Paige F. at the Southern Alberta Roundup – 2024

all right I'm Paige I'm an alcoholic you'll have to let me know about the mic because I'm often too loud for microphones uh so it's too loud or too quiet just yell at me and you don't even have to be nice about it um but I'm page of an alcoholic and I'm so incredibly grateful to be here with you guys today. Like truly, truly, truly it is a privilege beyond my wildest dreams to be of service to Alcoholics Anonymous and I want to thank Chris and I wanna thank the whole committee who put this roundup together. It's just been an... Yeah, absolutely. Let's give them a round of applause. And it takes a lot of work to put an... I was gonna say to put a roundup together. The joke I was going to make is like a lot of work and a whole lot of inventory, am I right? Some of the crew from Medicine Hat are like, we know. Medicine hat! And I was just thrilled when I found out the theme of this roundup is rocketed into the fourth dimension. And it's especially a privilege for me to be in Lethbridge, Alberta. Because when I was here many years ago, it was a very, very different time of my life. And I'm just going to share about that as we go on. And how I'm going to share my experience, strength, and hope. It's going to be something that's maybe a little different than what you're used to. I'm going to sharing my experience strength and hope through a format that that's known as a big book bounce around where we're going to bounce around the book from place to place a little all over the place. It'll be chaotic and if you didn't bring your book to class don't worry. We know we at least handed out one so somebody's got one for to share but I'll do the reading. So I'm gonna do all the hard work and if you're like man that's wild I've never heard of a big-book bounce around before that's weird. Yeah, I made it up. I just want to do it like this. And where I'm going to kick us off and where I am going to start is on page eight. And we're in Bill's story and we're at that transition place in Bill story where he goes from the hopelessness and despair of step one with a glimpse of hope that is to be his spiritual awakening. He goes to he goes on page to say i was soon to be catapulted in what i like to call the fourth dimension of existence i was to know happiness peace and usefulness in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes and if i if you do not hear any and fair enough if you're like girl i am out peace uh cool just wait one sec you can leave after a minute if you don't hear anything else that I say today. What I want you to know is that if you are new, if you are struggling, if your hurting, if have been around Alcoholics Anonymous for a while and the magic is gone. If you're a chronic relapser and you don't think this thing could possibly help you. If think somehow I'm different, I'm worse than you, I don't fit, I dont belong, I couldn't possibly be helped. What I want to know that there is a solution. There is a a solution we have a solution there is a way out and what i want you to know is that way out is that spiritual awakening that way out is the result it happens as the result of the 12 steps and you'll notice when i read that it was catapulted now we want to say rocketed because we got the little balloons that's a lot of fun but i want to know if we get well with some velocity we get one with some momentum and if you're new if you are hurting if you you're struggling, if you don't know what's wrong with you, what I want you to know is it does not take long to get well in Alcoholics Anonymous. It does not take long to have a spiritual awakening. It does not take long to get some freedom. And if you're like, man, fourth dimension, am I supposed to be doing some non-conference approved dry goods, drugs, in David's hippie van? The fourth dimension? Don't do that in his van. He wouldn't appreciate it. I mean, you do you. But what are we talking about that fourth dimension. That fourth dimension is the spiritual awakening. And if you're here today and you're somebody who was a lot like me when I got here, it's like, I don't want nothing to do with that. Like you're talking about God. Gross and lame. I thought I was cool when I got here. Never in my life I've been cool. But that fourth dimensional spiritual awakening, it looks like so much more than this, but it looks like this. Happiness. Man, I could use some of that when I got here peace and usefulness. I wasn't feeling that way when i got here and it says in a way of life oh man you mean i gotta do this thing for the rest of my life yeah i got some bad news about us i didn't forget it deal but a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes and that is what is on offer in alcoholics anonymous and if you have not found that yet let us help you and here's the kicker our very lives depend on helping you now i i know most of you are like don't have your book Oh, you've got your book. Yeah, heck yeah. Let's pop over to page one. And we're going to go to the very bottom paragraph of page one and we're talking to Bill's story and in it he says, I was very lonely and again turned to alcohol. And what I want to do is I want us to talk about loneliness and I want a little bit more and I don't know how it juxtaposes with the spiritual awakening the fourth dimension of existence. You see, I don' t know about you but when I got here I thought loneliness had to do with separation from people. You know, I thought I was lonely because i needed a relationship i'm sure no one relates um you know i thought yeah some of you some of your sponsors it's like but what i've come to find out is the loneliness loneliness has absolutely nothing to do with separation from another human being loneliness has everything to do with a sense of separateness from god and if you're not sure if youre like man who invited chris this is a chris problem i am a chriss problem to you uh chris invited me uh but if you but if you're like i don't know if that's true here's my experience and you can let me know if it's yours you don't have to any any audience participation is completely consensual it's not mandatory but i don' t know about you but i could feel absolutely utterly alone and lonely in a stadium full of people yeah i don''t know about you guys, but I could feel absolutely utterly lonely and alone in a room of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know about you guys but I can feel absolutely utterly lonely alone in the middle of a relationship. And I don' t know about you but I felt absolutely utterly alone and lonely in the middle of an act of intimacy. Loneliness has nothing to do for somebody like me with separation from other human beings and being in lethbridge it's it's like true truly a privilege and uh i remember when i was uh it was it wasn't my first christmas sober it was my second christmas in sobriety i don't i still don't remember what happened that first christmus it was kind of a blur i think i just get my head on a little bit uh you know just thoughts coming back brain cells like working again uh that was new but uh my second Christmas sober and i had been uh i've been let me know if you've ever been in a relationship like this. It is a codependent hostage situation in a dumpster that is on fire, that is careening towards the edge of a cliff. But I call it a loving relationship. Listen, I can pretty up that dumpster. It's good. And I've been in one of those for a long, long time and we had finally broken up. And the actual breakup, Not the, like, I'm going to break up and then you're back together with them three weeks later. You know, not one of those, like the actual we were done. I know you guys, when you break up, you break off and don't go back. But just me, you know. And I was going through that breakup and it was Christmas and I didn't have my family back in my life. And when I say I didn' t have my f amily back in m y life, I want to be very clear. I did not have my family back n my life as the direct result of the harms that I caused my familly in my act of alcoholism. I did not have my family back in my life and that was absolutely fair and I spent my Christmas sitting in a marathon meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and there was an older gentleman that came and he was more eloquent and well spoken than I will ever be and he talked about the difference between being alone and feeling lonely and he described loneliness as the soul not knowing where it belongs and he prescribed being alone as that look in somebody's eyes, whatever happens to you good bad you live you die they don't care and in that moment I remember being in Lethbridge Alberta now it's not a critique of Lethbury just critique of how I live my life but I was living in Lethridge Alberta and where my alcoholism took me it was it was a crack house as a crack house literally 10 minutes from here and inthat crack house you know like my alcohol ism had me and I did that thing that we do were across lines that we said we would never cross and I did things I never wanted to do and I hurt people in ways I never wanted to hurt people. And my life became one that was absolutely unrecognizable to somebody like me. And I hated who I was and I saw no way out. There was no way up for somebody like me. And it was 10, like a 10 minute drive from here. I had a very, very one of the most serious suicide attempts I ever had in my life. And I was actually two at a night because I'm going to go all the way. But probably the most serious suicide attempt I ever had in my life. And my boyfriend at the time, again, loving relationship, but the boyfriend at the Time he came and he found me and he left and he loved to go continue what he was doing, drinking and using drugs. And I don't say that to throw him under the bus because the reality is when the allergy is on me, the allergies on me see there's nothing more important for somebody like me than that next drink. There's nothing more important, and I don't fault him. But it's a reminder for somebody like me that my life is not my own. I should not be here. I could have died spring of 2007, you know, 10 minutes away. I shouldn't be here, and yet I'm here based on a grace that is not mine. You know, and that's the story of so many of us here in Alcoholics Anonymous. It is by seconds and inches. It's by seconds and inches that I am alive today. It was by seconds and inches that I'm sober today. And it is so easy for somebody like me to forget the grace that I have been given. I am sober and alive, and I didn't deserve it. I'm in sober and alive, but I didn t earn it. And I mean that. Now, that doesn't mean I didn d actually take some actions that I didn want to take. That doesn t mean I had to. I do. I work incredibly hard at these 12 steps as a way of life. But this is a gift. I didn n earn it, I didn deserve it I didn't become worthy of it it was given to me I didn'T get to choose my sobriety date I chose it time and time again maybe you guys maybe you guys are different but I said I'm never drinking again and I said with everything in me time and Time and Time again I don't know about you but I drink again and again and now let's pop over cuz I like doing my bounce arounds let's go up over to the chapter vision for you chapter 11 page 151. Let me know if this is your experience. It says, for most normal folks, drinking means confibiality, companionship, and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom, and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. I don't know about you. That wasn't quite my experience. I think there's some normal folk. Listen, I think, you know, there are some normal folks. Do you know what they do? They like have a beer and watch the hockey game. Or here's what they do. Let me, like, I don't relate to this at all. They're like, sweetie, honey, pookie pie. I don'T really know how pet names work. But like, sweetie, I'm going to go to the bar. I'm gonna have three drinks. I'll be home by nine. And do you know what they DO? Some of the Al-Anons have a clue. But do you know WHAT THEY DO? They go to the bar and they have three drinks and they're home by nine and their pants are dry and they've got both their shoes and they'll rent the person they're about to be with i don't relate to that you know that's what normal folks but you see that's not my experience with alcohol i didn't really have that conviviality companionship you know what i had with alcohol here's what i was point directed and pointed at it was this see i take a drink and there's something that happens to me it is ah you guys know it is ease it is release it is relief it is my skin finally fits you know the screaming that's coming from the depth of my soul i hope you don't uh but that screaming it finally settles down and i am okay you know i don't know about you but i am a relief seeking missile and nothing less than that ease and comfort will do for somebody like me it goes on to say but not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking the old pleasures were gone they were but memories never could we recapture the great moments of the past there was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control when it would enable us to do it there was always one more attempt and one more failure you see if there was if the only thing that was weird about my drinking was that i took a drink and i found a solution to life i wouldn't be here do you know what i mean i'd be out there being like we that's great i feel great but you see there's something else that happens to me that once i start to drink it's like a little switch that goes off in the back of my head and it tells me more and you see the more that i drink the louder that more gets see i take a drink and i need a second and that second insists on four and that four will not relent until i've had eight and it is screaming at me until i'm 16 and so on and so forth see i don't know i don' know that's just how i drink you know what's interesting about that that doesn't happen to me with any other beverage. You know? I was telling some people my stomach stopped handling coffee like a year ago, maybe two years. I want you to know, feel bad for me because that sucks. Tea is not the same. Like, ugh. So I start my mornings, I start with prayer, I star with meditation and I start a cup of Earl Grey tea. And not once in my life have I ever gone on an Earl Grey teabender. Never! Never! I've never like slammed back zero-grade tea, slammed back another and another and another. I've never drank all the tea in the house and ripped open a bag of chamomile and snorted it because it's got to be the same. I just have one, maybe two, you know? And you see what happens is I approach drinking and I try to just have that ease and comfort. But I always have those consequences because more often than not I take that drink that allergy takes me and I need more. And I'm thinking, you know, my problem must have been drinking with, very literally, I thought my problem was drinking with Calgarians. But I was in Lethbridge, you know? How could it go wrong? You know? Turns out alcoholism is all over Alberta. Turns out it's all over me. And you see, like I was saying, I cross these lines from the sand. I do things I never want to do. I hurt people in ways I never wanted to hurt people. And there's something that happens to me where i come to the morning after and i say i never want to do it again we're going to talk about that we're gonna talk about the my real problem is an alcoholic is my desire to stay sober has absolutely no effect and it says the less people tolerated us the more we withdrew from society from life itself as we became subjects of capital k cap like king alcohol shivering denizens of his mad realm the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down it thickened ever becoming blacker and see how does alcohol become the mad king in my life see i take a drink and i'm compelled to take another and another and other but more than that i come to and i hate myself i hate my life and i don't ever want to do it again and i dont know about you i put things I tried to put things between me and that first drink. I didn't try everything, but everything that I tried failed. King alcohol would force me to take a drink against my... Anyone here ever drink against their will? You know, come to the morning after, I never want to do it again that evening. I got a drink in hand, and I am baffled at how I did that. King alcohol is taking me places I don't want to go, causing me to hurt people I don' t want to hurt. And it's a mad king. I didn' t watch all of Game of Thrones, but I watched enough of it to know, like, I'm mad king. Alcohol does not have my best interest at heart, you know? And I continue to go back to it. And it says some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding, companionship, and approval. Momentarily we did. Then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous four horsemen, terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair. unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand sound familiar hopefully it's not just me because otherwise oh you got a bad speaker like she had a bad screen of this thing but that was me and this was me too when i came to alcoholics anonymous it says now and then a serious drinker being dry at the moment and this is important you see i thought sobriety was my solution to my alcoholism. Sobriety could not be a solution for alcoholism, because as soon as I get sober, what kicks off is that mental obsession. I need a solution and it can't be sobriety. It says now and then a serious drinker being dry at the moment says, I don't miss it at all. Feel better? Work better? Having a better time? I'm happy to be here. happy to be sober I'll take 24 and pass it on I don't know about you guys I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I thought y'all just showed up and you're like, I love the coffee and I love everything and I got here and I hated everything I hated who I was I had people in my life that would say Paige stop drinking, you'll feel better those jerks were right You see, I stopped drinking. I feel better. I feel pain better. I feel that depression that's so bad I can't get out of bed. I feel that better. You know that anxiety where it feels like somebody is stabbing your shoulder blades? I feel that better you know that gaping hole in the depth of your soul that nothing can ever fill. I feel that better. Alcoholic like me, I feel suicidal better. I feel hopeless better and I don't got a relief and I'm stuck with me and there is nothing that I can put between me and me. And the spiritual malady is not diagnostic of alcoholism, but I talk about it because I thought I was supposed to feel better. The way that I feel better, the way I get relief, the way i get rocketed is the 12 steps. The 12 steps that produce the spiritual awakening. I just want to, I'll talk about that we're going to get there, but it just if anyone's like, I'm just about to leave. I just want you to know how you get there. So there's no spoilers. So as ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a Sally. Sally's like a joke. But a Sally in the 1930s was also a sudden rushing force of troops. And you know what were the troops that I would try to put between me and that first drink? Well, I tried that relationship. I tried getting out of that relationship and tried to get back in that relationship And then you'd see what happened, in and out, in and out. Now listen, I'm codependent like a good one. Listen, he's got the problem. Let me fix him. I'll stay sober off working on him. Well, I am here at work. For me, I am not against therapy. I am not against counseling. I'm not against medication. And if you need them, please do that. But they were not a solution for my alcoholism. I moved down to Lethbridge. I moved back to Calgary. I tried. I did not try everything, but everything that I could think of failed. I could not put any real distance between me and that first drink. That first drink is inevitable. And it says we know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself inwardly. He would give anything to take half a dozen drinks get away with them you know that sobriety you know that white knuckle i'm just holding on but i just need something i just needs relief hat and i can't stay sober on that it says he uh he will presently try the old game again for he isn't happy about his sobriete so it comes to places like this roundups like this and i would hear people talk about emotional sobrieti I'd be like that is for the nerds some of you have already pegged that I am one of the nerd I will have a whole conversation with you about highlighters we got preferences you know listen when I came to be cool never in my life if I been cool like I'm pissing my pants behind the dumpster I am NOT cool not sober that happens far less sober gifts of sobriety dry pants can't say over on dry pants but goodness it helps uh but uh emotional sobriety is not extra special it's not extra credit it's not for the keeners it's nicht für die nerds nothing less than a spiritual awakening and i will drink again that is my reality it says he will try the old game again and i don't know about you but i had a step one experience and my step one experienced happened after months and years of trying to stay sober on my own power. You know, I would say I'm never going to do it again. A day, a week, a month, several months down the line, I would get a thought, and that thought would happen in my mind, and that though would happen when I am as sober as I am today, but my illness is untreated. And that thought could sound a little something like, this time will be different. Any of us have a difference? Anyone ever have one of those? Yeah, you know. Let's just go out for three drinks. Any one of Those? Any nobody you'll ever know? They find out. Who told them? Any, like, listen, I've done so well for three days, three weeks, three months, three years, it'll be different this time, so here's how. Or, you know, my problem with this type of drink, but I can do this type of drink. My problem is I do not drink rum like a lady. I can probably drink some malt liquor like a lady. I hear it now. I hear that. I didn't hear it then. Sometimes it looks like, you know, I'm being really miserable to everyone in my life. Why don't I take a drink or two? I'll take the edge off. I'll be nicer to everyone. My relapse becomes a public service. You're welcome! Ugh! Does my goodness know no ends? By which I mean I will be back around for the TV because that's my bad. I'll make amends on that. Also, if you are not sponsored, my dad is not how we make ammends in Alcoholics Anonymous. But sometimes, sometimes that mental obsession, it looks a little something like, man, if you're feeling the way that I was feeling, if you're going through what I was going through, if you were experiencing this pain, you'd drink too. It looks like I'm going to kill myself anyway so I don't want to get drunk. You know what I mean? It looks eff it. Eff this, eff that, eff my sponsor, eff this book, eff this whole sobriety thing, eff it, I'm gonna get drunk, you see what happens for me a day a week, a month. I have no effective mental defense. What happens for somebody like me is a relapse. I come to find out my step one experience is not that I will never drink again. My step one experiences a promise and my step on experience is a promise that I will drink again if my illness is untreated. That's what step one was for me. And I had that step one experienced that realization that there was nothing, nothing that I could do to put between me in the first drink. I would drink again. And it goes on to say, he will presently try the old game again for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Someday he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping off place. He will wish for the end. And only in Alcoholics Anonymous, hopelessness is a good place to be. You see, I've got to get to that place of hopelessness. I've got to do this work. I'm willing to take some actions that weren't appealing to somebody like me. I know not everyone's got their book, but let's bounce over to page 58 and so the chapter how it works some of you guys are like oh that's familiar we read that a lot 50 we'll go actually 59 uh yeah i can't we read it at every meeting doesn't it sound like charlie brown's teachers you're like i could have snuck in a cigarette for this you know but let's go to page 59 it says half measures availed us nothing which is rude because i think i should at least get like i'm not saying i should get half for half but i think I should get a little quarter for half, you know what I'm saying? And half measures of LS nothing means that nothing less than these 12 steps is a way of life and I will drink again. That is what that means. And it said we stood at the turning point. And what we're pointing to is that third step decision. That third step decision is a decision to work these 12 Steps as a way of life like my life depends on it. I found out in step one it does. That is that 3rd step decision and I am at the precipice of my life. You see what happens for somebody like me is this imagine that I'm in the jungle but David spent a lot of time it's been a lot time in Bali and I know you're in Thailand I don't know if there's Tigers in those places I didn't look that up ahead of time so you'd be like they are not hackers page but imagine we're in the jungle and I got this tiger that's bearing down on me and that Tiger is my alcoholism now I want to point something out that Tiger it's not the second drink is not the third break is not that fourth drink that tiger is the mental obsession, which compels me to take that first drink. That is that tiger and it's driving me. I'm running, not literally, it's a metaphor, but I'm, I'm run after this thing and it is coming. It's getting me and it is getting me. And I come to the edge of a cliff and I look down and I can't see anything. It is covered in fog. But I hear some voices on the other side say jump, jump, it is safe over here. Jump! And the tiger is bearing down on me. And if I have that understanding of step one, that makes the third step decision a lot easier. What I've got to do is take that leap of faith. That's what the twelve steps are. When I get here, listen! The steps on the wall, I don't know about you, but they did not look appealing. I could see why y'all could use them. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, you guys could do some inventory, but couldn't possibly help somebody like me. I'm so different. Just like all of us. And so it says, we asked. And any time in this book it says we asked, there's a prayer. We read that at every meeting. Do y'all know if there's prayer and how it works? Yeah. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. So what do I need to do? That tiger's barreling in. I don't know what will happen if I... I don'T KNOW WHAT AWAITS ME ON THE OTHER SIDE. But what do i gotta do? I got to take that leap of faith. I've got to dive in. And what I'm going to dive into is this work. I'm gonna dive into the fourth step. I'm gunna begin to take some inventory. You know, the purpose of step four, yeah, it's not to beat myself up. The purpose of set four is to clearly see the things inside of me that are blocking me from this power. That is the purpose is step four. I wasn't gonna tell... Well, maybe that's the alarm to tell me to tell the story or not to tell this story. We'll find out. I wasn't going to tell my hoarder's house metaphor, but I feel called. Should I hoard his house? Yeah, hoard hishouse. I'll take requests. And my requests are going to be weird. It's like, talk about birds. Don't stop me. Some of you know. So I got this belief. I got of this belief that in the very depth of my soul that there's a house. And I want you to know, if you're picking up what I'm throwing down. Now again, all my metaphors are consensual. You can say no. I do not want this metaphor. So I'm not talking about you if you don't want it. But I want you to know what I believe is in the very depth of your soul. There's a house. And what I want você de saber é que sua casa é boa. Sua casa é maravilhosa. Sua cama foi criada por o mais incrível, incrível capital D, capital A, arquiteto divino. Man, the property value on your spiritual house. It's incredible. Now I'm talking about mine, not yours anymore. Going back to me. The problem with my house is I am a bit of a hoarder. So it is bad, you guys. Call in TLC. Call on the cameras. I am a hoarder. And I know, I know you wonderful people in Lethbridge could not relate to anything like this. But I got these things. I know I'm the only one called resentments. I Know. I Know. It's just me. And my resentments are like newspapers that are decades old. Yes, I've been alive for decades. That are decades hold and they're piled all the way from floor to ceiling and what happens is when they're piled all the way from floor till ceiling it blocks out that light and I'm alone in that house in darkness and when I'm in that darkness I can't see where I step, I can's see where stand and I got these things, I know you guys in Lethbridge can't relate but I got this things and they're called fears and my fears are like those empty bottles and cans that are strewn all over the floor because I can't see them. What happens is they clank and clang and sound bigger and louder than they really are. And then I got some sex and relationship conduct. I know I'm the only one. Uh, and it's a little like, it's all like the dead cats behind the freezer. I know they're there. I can smell them. I want you to know no cats were harmed in the making of this metaphor. It is only a metaphor. And so what am I going to do in that fourth step? I'm not sitting around talking about how bad that house is. What am I doing in that first step? What I'm doing is I'm beginning to clean it up. I'm beginning to put that stuff into bags and boxes, and one by one I have a look at those resentments. One by one, I pull down those newspapers. You know what I find? I find the information was wrong the whole time. See, I thought it said extra, extra, read all about it. You're all jerks. That's what I thought. Do some inventory. Extra, extra real about it i'm the jerk and that's where the freedom lies i promise you that and one by one as i pull down those newspapers that light begins to come into the window and i love one of the beautiful metaphors for god in this book is god is light and i Love that metaphor because god is not what i see god is the way in which i see if you don't know what i'm talking about it's that idea that with light everything changes and yet nothing changes they've got some rooms over there that are in black the lights are off now if we go over there we turn those lights on everything in that room has changed and yet absolutely nothing in that room is changed and that happens with inventory see i don't know about you but my childhood got better you know what i mean Childhood didn't change. My family got better. Family didn't change. Jerks on the road started to drive better. They didn't change. But how I began to see them changed. And I began to see if I rely on that light, I don't have to step and stand in that fear and I begin to clean it up one by one. And then I deal with the cats and the whole point of that is to come up with a sane sound ideal so I can be a responsible spiritual pet owner in the future and i don't ever have to live that way again and what i do is when i sit down with god and another human being in my fifth step what i begin to do is i begin to get all of that mess all ofthat garbage i begin to get it out of the house and step six and i take it to the curb and you know step six in step seven it's all about becoming willing and then asking for the cosmic garbageman to come and take it away that's all it is and i want to pop over to i know not everyone's following law but i want To read the step five promises because as we go through this work this work is the whole point of it is to awaken spiritually when people like i have a hard time i have time with the spiritual part of the program. I'm like, what's the non-spiritual part of the program? I'm in the program, it's the 12 steps. The whole point of the steps is to clear away the stuff inside of me that's blocking me from this power that I don't have to like, I don'T have to understand, I DON'T need to fully comprehend or define, I just need to believe that you guys are happy and sober. And then maybe, just maybe, I'm not so special that the miracle that has happened to you could not help happen for somebody like me. And so let's pop over to page 75 and it says we pocket our pride and go to it. So that fifth step, you know, one of the most amazing things about step five is it says admitted. Now there's two ways to look at the word admit. It's not as bad as sometimes I go into some real etymology tangent. So it's not too bad, you guys, but the word admitted, there's two ways to look At it. One is a bit of a confession. You know what I mean? I got to confess that I stole your car, I slept with your husband, and I peed on your carpet. Which, just kidding, I would never. It was linoleum. But another way to look at the word admit is to be let in. You see, if you get a ticket, a ticket to the roundup, what does it say on it? It says admit one. And in that fifth step, what am I doing? I'm letting in another human being. And I'm letting in God's light to those dark parts of myself. And it says we pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. Anyone ever think the result of step five would be delighted? I didn't. Absolutely not. I had a look at that fist up. I'm like, I'm not doing that. So I spend some time stalling on a floor, you know, like we do, you know, and what I want you to know is that is my experience. I don't, I don'T just stop at one. I continue to grow in this work in this way of life. It's not a set it and forget it program. And I've, I have done many fifth steps. I have received many fifths. Actually, there's a bit of a tangent. Uh, I've done, uh, two fifth steps with nuns. I bored them both bored nuns you know what I mean I kind of think I'm a bit of a badass I'm not clearly you know I'm like I got some stuff you know I got something I got like dark stuff and they're like bored rude little bit of gravitas with that you know I'm saying like come on but what I want you to know bored nuns and all is that I've truly never and I do mean never regretted a spiritual action taken in Alcoholics Anonymous. Never regretted it. And that has been the result, is delighted. So once we have taken this step withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. And why can I look the word in the eyes? I begin to realize I'm not alone. I begin realize I'm different from you. I begin realizing I'm separate from you, I begin awaken to true humility. I'm no better than you, I'm not worse than you for somebody like me I'm dependent upon God I don't know about you but when I got here I was not looking the world in the eye I was intimately acquainted with the square floor that was in front of me I'm now going to look at you because you might talk to me and if you start talking to me you might be asking me a question that I don' t have the answer to like how's it going baffled baffLED by those But I can now begin to look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. See, loneliness has nothing to do with physical separation between me and another human being. It has everything to do With this sense of spiritual separation from God. See, I'm beginning to have this spiritual awakening As I begin to clear away the stuff inside of me That's blocking me from this power. Step five, I can now be alone and not lonely. That's powerful. It says our fears fall from us. Fall from us! And you know the power in my fear is falling from me. It means I didn't do it. It doesn't mean I didn' t do it! I didn''t overcome a fear in my life. I didn ''t work on a single defective character I've ever... Well, I've tried, let me be real. But I, on my own power, have not gotten any, any freedom from any defect on my own power. And who I am today is not who I was when I got here. I have a friend, I was speaking with her a couple years ago and she said, Paige, when you, when I first met you, and when she first met me, I was two, maybe three years sober. So not brand new. But when she, when she First Met Me, or she said when she first met me, that I was the most negative and self-deprecating person that she had ever met. The takeaway from that is I win! I never win! But that's not who I am. See, I don't know about you, but I've never, I've Never done it. Anyone ever get a real hold of their anger you know listen listen i am going to work really hard and get a hold of my control issues i have an agenda and everything and listen i'm gonna i'm going to deal with the procrastination i'll do that later i'm good and you know what i'm to really overcome that self-seeking need for approval but if y'all could just tell me i'm doing a good job that'd be great you know never in my life it is god that does it for me the fears fall from me fall for me and when it falls you know what i come to realize is i didn't do it and so in so many areas of life it's climbing this ladder of success you know get that promotion get that money get that relationship the job the car the kids whatever climbing this latter success that's not what alcoholics anonymous is it is an outpouring of more and more of myself to the unconditional nature that is god's love say i come down call it's anonymous and i come to realize there is nothing and absolutely nothing that I can do on my own power about the mental obsession. And I come and have a look at step two, and we begin to talk about those bedevilments, what it is like for me to live sober. And those are my human problems. And I can't do anything about those on myownpower. I begin to look in step three. Selfishness? Self-centeredness? That's the word of my troubles? That seems extreme. And I can overcome self on myone. Have a look at those resentments, and I can overcome them on my one. Look at those fears. I can overcome them on my own i have a look at that sex conduct i got an ideal we can't live up to ideals on our own i can have moral and philosophical convictions galore god's gotta take me there and what this is is an outpouring of more and more of myself to the unconditional nature that is god's love yeah and uh what we're talking about too is that idea that if it falls for me it is not who I am. You see, if my defects of character are that which falls for me, they cannot be me. So who am I? Who I am is held and loved unconditionally in God. Who I Am is not my defects. Who I AM is not shortcomings. Who IAm is who I AM without those things. And it is the truest version of ourselves. It is who we always wanted to be but never could. That is who we are. It says we begin to feel the nearness of our creator. See, God is no longer this over there idea. God begins to become a relationship. The nearness. It's not a, it can be if you like, but it's not this guy in the sky over there. It is a God that is here that is with me, that is within me, that is in this moment. That's what we're talking about. The nearness of our creator. I can never be separate from God and I can ever be separate from you. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs and that's good news because beliefs can't keep me sober, which is good. It's good that beliefs can'T keep me sober because I had some not great ones. I had them once about how God hated me and was punishing me. What keeps me sober is the actions that allow God to work in my life so we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience and see again nothing less than a spiritual experience and i will drink again and i'm beginning to have that spiritual experience the feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel we are now on the broad highway capital b capital h walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe again i am not separate and you know we spoke about we didn't in this big book bounce around but if we were to read consecutively what we would see is that broad highway if we add step two we're just beginning to start on that broad hallway i want to point out it is a broad highway it is not a broad vacation in mexico you know what i mean it is a highway it is a journey i am never done but i'm on this highway i'm beginning to go on a path that really goes somewhere freedom our fears fall from us now i'm going to pop us over to the chapter chapter 7 working with others page 89 and we're going to kick it off with the the first promises now there's many promises in that chapter but page 89 and it says working with others this chapter is devoted to step 12 you see what i begin to do is clear away the stuff i beginto go out and set right my wrongs i continue to do the actions of four through nine on a daily basis that allow me to live in this new and wonderful world that i did not believe possible that fourth dimension of existence and it's this practical experience And what that means is our experience, our experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking. That's what I needed. Immunity from drinking because I couldn't stay sober on my own. And if I want immunity from drinkings, this is what I've got to do as intensive work with other alcoholics. You know what's annoying about that? That means it's got to be inconvenient. I often, you know, I often say if you're not working with enough, if you are not inconvenienced, you don't have enough sponsees. You know what I am saying? Listen, you can have hobbies. You can windsurf. Is that what hobby people do? Crochet? I don't know. You can hobby. But I need to be inconvenienced. Because let's be real. If I'm living up to my convenience, I'm not working for nobody. They are always inconvenient. Alcoholics? Are you kidding me? Right? You know. intensive work with other alcoholics it works when other activities fail so when nothing else is working the most important thing the most valuable thing that i can do is get out of self and go help somebody go help something it's not a codependent putting out their fires it is offering them this work these steps this way of life go help nobody and man it works we wouldn't i mean we say it all throughout the book from the roman numerals to the whole chapter working with others to the forgotten chapters. It says work with others, work with others, this is our 12th suggestion and it is a suggestion but I will point out we don't have alternatives. Just keep that in mind. We're not going to make you do it. Consensual consent. But if you're like I would like plan B, option B, well bottom of 25 it says go into the better ends, blotting out the consciousness of your intolerable situation as best we could or accept spiritual help. So you do that if you want. No fresh. I'm going to try this, you know? Just me though. But by the way, not just, I fought it for a while. Like let's be real. And it says carry this message, this message. These 12 steps taken out of this book to produce a spiritual awakening. Carry this message to other alcoholics. You can help when no one else can how incredible is that on page 124 on page 124 I don't know if you want to bounce over there you can't page 122 for it talks about how experience is the thing of supreme value in life and that is only true if one is willing to turn the past to good account we grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets how do I grow how do i take the worst parts about me the worst things i've ever done the depth of my shame. The pain that I was in, in a crack house in Lethbridge. How do I turn that into use for others? Well, I've got to face it. I face it in four. I face It in five. I face I in six and in seven. And in eight and nine I go out and I make it right. I rectify that and that converts the worst things I've ever done into gifts and into blessings that I get to. I don't have to. Well, kind of have to, but I get too. I get used to help another human being. I gets used to help another alcohol man and in that way and that way my dark past becomes my principle which is my main asset you know what i found my sponsees do not care about the good things i do they don't they don' t like i show up on time and i do the things and i'm like i don't care like i made it to let that was more david helping thank you uh i made a telepathy they're not like no they care about the things that i did wrong my dark past becomes my principal asset and that dark past didn't have to be too long ago it can be like you know a couple weeks ago it could be yesterday that's our past you know that's that's what we're talking about says you can help when no one else can you can secure their confidence when others fail see there's something incredibly disarming about yeah i've been there i drank the way that you drank i felt the way that you felt i know what it's really like to relapse the way you've relapsed i've gone through that too and i have a way out there is a solution we can help when no one else can when no one else could reach that alcoholic we have the power we have been given the power to help others why would i waste it you can secure their confidence when others fail remember they are very ill. What I want you to know is alcoholism is an illness. It's not like, man, I thought I was the biggest piece of garbage that ever lived when I got here and it took me a long time to think otherwise while being here. But the truth is I am not bad. The truth is not that I'm immoral. The proof is I have an illness over which I could not have any power. But we have a way out. And it says life will take on new meaning. I don't know about you my life was meaningless when I got here it's so meaningless I tried to end it again and again and again. And it says to watch people recover to see them help others and to watch loneliness vanish. So that loneliness that I was that was just driving me that dark cloud that was on me I get freedom from it the deeper than that I get to help others having experienced that freedom from it. It says to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is a bright spot of our lives. And man, I want to thank you. Thank you for the opportunity, truly the privilege to be of service. And I want to thank you for truly being the bright spot of my life. Thank you. Thank you, David. That is YouTube page, and you can visit this talk in the talk show this weekend. We'll get uploaded and shared. Please reach out to the committee or someone on the committee members, and we'll make sure that everybody knows where they're going to get uploaded to so they can listen. And, yeah. Thank you again, Paige, for the experience, strength, and hope. Thank you. And that was fantastic. And Chris, you said YouTube or something? Yep. Okay, I'll be listening. If you can get sober on YouTube. Yeah. All right, because I listen to a lot of talks. And, yeah, from the Southern Roundup Committee, we'd like to present you with this gift. And thanks for coming out and talking for us. Yeah, thanks for having me. If everybody wants to join me, let's close the meeting with this or anything. God, grant me the ability to accept things I cannot change, to courage change in things I can, and to listen to those who do. Thank you, everybody. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you for everything that you have. Thanks to all of you. Thank you so much.