Paige F. at the Big Book Workshop – 2023

Oh, thank you! Right? See, a lot of times we come to AA and we're like, man, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not sitting under a bridge with my bottle and a brown paper bag and fingerless gloves. Thank you! I did not mean for this workshop to turn into the validate me and tell me I'm cool part of the thing. Oh, that's lovely! Alright, so, but if I didn't get my validation, you know what I'd have to do? I'd have to work through my resentments, natural segue, let's pop into step four. I know it wasn't my best, it wasn't my best, but we'll work with what we got. Alright, so, where we left off was where we next we launch. Right now we launch on this course of vigorous action, bottom is 63, we're going to pop over to page 64. And it says, it says, though our decision, so the third step decision was a vital, which means life-giving and crucial step. It could have little permanent effect, uh-oh, that's what I need, I need a permanent result, right? I can't have something that works 60% of the time. I need a solution that works 100% of the time. So I could not have a little permanent effect unless at once. Now we had a pizza break, which is probably the length of, like, that's too long of a time, right? Pizza break. At once, at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. So a couple things, strenuous, man, that's going to be a lot of work. Oh, I, I've got to take action? I really hope they don't have a chapter that's called, like, into action or something, you know? I hope they have a chapter called, like, resting on your laurels, I could use one of those. But one of the things that when it says that, uh, we're, what we're trying to do, so what is the aim of the fourth step? What is the per-, like, why the, why the heck are we writing this inventory? Well, the reason we're doing that is to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves that are blocking us. Blocking us from what? Blocking us from that connection with a power greater than ourselves. So the purpose of the fourth step is very simply to identify the things inside of me that are blocking me from the God of my understanding. And it said, Our liquor was but a, symptom. So my liquor, my drinking, the mental obsession that takes me back to the first drink is fueled by the sense of separateness from God, fueled by the spirituality, fueled by the pain that I feel sober. Lip-, liquor is but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. The things that are blocking me off from God. And it says, Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was step four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial, a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock in trade. One object, so one purpose, is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods and get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. So has anyone here ever done a commercial inventory? At work, done some inventory? And so you let me know if this is what your inventory looked like. So you, went into work and you're like, Ugh! Okay, this might be. This, this part might be. Ugh! This business sucks! I hate it! It's the worst! And so you pull down the things and you would find things that were damaged and broken and you're like, Ugh! We have to go to business! We just can't do it anymore! Is, I mean, like now as I'm describing it, some of you are like, yes! Is that not, is that not the process of a commercial inventory? So that is not the, the attitude with which we're trying to take in this inventory. I hate myself, I'm a piece of garbage, I'm a loser. That's not what we're doing here. The attitude we're taking with this inventory is what is not working, what needs to go. And so when you find things in your commercial inventory, you find the, you know, this food's expired or these, these products are damaged, what do you do? We just get rid of it promptly. Get rid of it. We throw it out. That is what we are trying to do. Clear away the stuff inside of us. And if you're here on Thursday, you're going to be like, Thursday, you know, I have that housecleaning metaphor. And again, that thing that I want to emphasize is that spiritual house deep within your soul. That house is good. That house is worthy. It is a good house. And the depth of our soul is something precious and valuable. We're not here kicking the crap out of each other. We're not here kicking the crap out of ourselves. What we are trying to do is see the truth about the things in me that are blocking me from God. And so it says, we did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. And here's a kicker, being convinced self manifested in various ways. Not alcohol manifested in various ways. Self manifested in various ways is what had defeated us. We considered its common manifestations. We talk about the common manifestations. See, that is my point. That is my problem. Is when I am in self, I am blocked up. Like in step three in the prayer that we did together. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. And when I'm trapped in self, I'm trapped in that resentment, that self-pity, that fear, that self-centeredness. And I'm in darkness. And so we consider the common manifestations of self. What I want to point out is that is going to be our three sections of our four-step inventory. So the common manifestation of self is resentment. It is fears and it is sex conduct. And I point out it is all those three things. And I point that out with my sponsees every single time. And then every single time we get done resentments and they're like, I've done my fourth step. And I've got to be the jerk that's like we're a third of the way. You know? So I will emphasize three sections. And then I'm sure be like we're done. Now we got two others. And so those are the common manifestations. So we're going to get into resentments. But what we have to do is we've got to prepare ourselves for that fourth step. So one of the things that I've got to do is I've got to get a notebook. I did not bring a notebook. That was poor planning on my part. But I've got to bring a notebook. A4 is a good size of notebook paper. Woo, paper size. Rock and roll. You know, yeah, so cool. But, you know, standard paper size is a good size of notebook. And I've got to get a pen. And this is a little bit, again, I think I'm cool, or I don't, but I get a good pen. Doesn't have to be a fancy pen. Doesn't have to be an expensive pen. If you like inky pens, get a really nice inky pens. If you like them dry like TJ does. Just, I'm not pen shaming. You can have differences in pen opinions. Get a dry pen. Like, get a pen that you like writing with. Because we're going to be doing a lot of writing. And the first thing that we're going to do before we open our notebook and we write on it, we're going to say a prayer. Now, you can say any prayer that you want. But a prayer, an example of a prayer. A prayer that I might say is, God, I pray that you be with me. Guide my heart, guide my mind, guide my pen. Guide me as I go through this process of getting to know you better and working through this fourth step. Say that prayer. And then what we're going to do is whenever we're done writing our fourth step, it's always a good idea to say a prayer. So we're going to pray before, we're going to pray after. And after that fourth, I write on my fourth step, what I'm going to do is I'm going to say a prayer. You can say any prayer you want. But a prayer that I might say might be something like, God, I ask. I ask that you please leave the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of this fourth step contained within the pages of this notebook. I pray that I would be able to go out from here and be a part of your world and be of service to those who need me. Something like that. So I pray before and I pray after. And the first thing I want to do in my notebook is I want to draw some lines. Now, keep in mind, I know this is Alcoholics Anonymous, but a lot of us, we came and we had a lot of fear of this fourth step. There's no reason to have fear of the fourth step. Because, I mean, most of us weren't afraid of doing lines before. And so what we're going to do, I know, I know. Didn't say no to that, right? And so what we're going to do is, very simply, what we're going to do is we're going to draw one line horizontally across the page. And then we're going to draw two lines up. And then we flip the page and we draw, and I'm just flipping the page because I'm holding the paper. We draw two lines across the, one line across the page and two lines up. So we're making four columns. And we're going to do that on 50, even 100 pages. And each page of our notebook is going to be a single resentment. And when we get done resentments, it'll be a single fear. When we get done our fears, it'll be a single instance of sex conduct. And that's, and that's, so here's the thing, just like before, couldn't do too many lines. You know what I mean? The pages will not be wasted. And I want you to know there is spiritual value in drawing the lines. There is spiritual action. There is value in taking that action that I don't want to take and I don't think will help and to prepare myself for the page. Does that make sense to everyone so far? You could be like, absolutely not. You've explained nothing. I'll take it back. All right. And so the first thing we're going to do. So now we've got our pen. We got our paper. We got our lines. We're ready to go. And we want to dive into resentment. And on the bottom of page 64, it says resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it. From resentment stem all forms of spiritual disease. And I want to point something out. This is a big deal. Resentments are a big deal. Now, I don't know about you guys, but anyone here ever been like, ah, that's not a resentment. I'm just, I'm just a little frustrated. Anyone here ever do that? Like to your spouse? Yeah. Yeah. But from resentment come all forms of spiritual disease. Resentment is the number one offender. I need to be free of it. So the biggest thing that I would emphasize and reemphasize is do not self edit. When I come to the resentment section, do not self edit. If it comes to mind, see, I started with a prayer. I asked God to direct my thinking. If it comes to mind, I write it down. Don't self edit. Don't fight it. Put it pen to paper, write it down. And I mean, it's an again, so we want to fight like what, what the heck is a resentment? The word resentments it's a, it's roots are. Uh, in a refill. Like I believe it, it goes back to French and then probably Latin before that. Probably. I don't know. I know it's been really etymology heavy, uh, but, uh, it's a refilling. So a refilling of a negative emotion. That's what we're doing. Sometimes we think resentment is only anger and no, but I'm not angry anymore. I worked through it in my anger management class. I've managed my anger, you know, write it down. Just write it down. A. A refilling of that negative emotion. Don't fight it. Don't edit, write it down. See my experience. I learned so much about who I am and the things that are blocking me from God, from those little petty resentments. I learned so much about the people in my home group who are not doing it right. You know, who are doing it my way. Write it down, write it down. And it says for, we have been not only mentally and physically ill. We have been spiritually sick. Now, if you're writing in your book today, when we talk about. Being not only mentally and physically ill mentally is the mental obsession that mentally is the insane thought that takes me back to the first drink. And when we talk about being physically ill, we're talking about that physical allergy. Once I start to drink that thing inside of me that kicks off and I need more, but we have been spiritually sick, spiritually sick. And that spiritual sickness is that sense of separateness from God, that pain, that emptiness, that loneliness in the depth of my soul. And I was asked like, Hey, Paige, you taught, you spoke about, you know, when that magic's gone. Can you talk more about that? You know, when I've been sober around here a little while and the world starts to get gray again and people aren't doing things right. And I, and I noticed they're not doing things right. My skin doesn't feel good anymore. And I don't have that light that I used to. What do I need to do? Cause what's changed the orientation of God in my life has not changed, but how I have orientated myself to God has changed what I need to do. And I know that's not what I need to do. What I need to do is clear away the stuff inside of me that's blocking me from God. And I know it sucks if you're telling me I'm hurting, I'm struggling, you know, I'm in pain and you're telling me do inventory. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'm sorry if I did, if I had something else, I'd give you something else. You know what I mean? But this is what works. Start to pinpoint the things inside of me that are blocking me from God. Start with this process. Start to clear away the wreckage of our past. Start to clean up that spiritual house. And it doesn't matter when I'm a day sober, I'm two days sober, I'm three years sober. I've been doing this thing for 40 years. This inventory process begins that house cleaning and it's that work that I need to do. And the tools that we're learning and hopefully learning, I hope we're going to do some learning. These four columns, these become a way of life. We take these four columns into our 10th step. We take these four columns into our evening review. When life hits and life hits and it does not because I'm an alcoholic, not because I'm a sober. Alcoholic life hits because it is life and I am not excused from the human condition. What I need to do is come back to these to these simple tools. Come back to this. Come back to the things in me that are blocking me from God. And it says when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. So what do I need to do to experience freedom from the mental obsession? And when I experience freedom from the mental obsession, I won't take that first drink because that would be insane. If I don't take that first drink, I won't set off. I won't set off the physical allergy. I've got to treat that spiritual malady. I got to get connected with the God, a power greater than myself. When the spiritual malady is overcome, that is the order. Oftentimes I want to come here. I'm like, listen. And now some of you are keenly aware that I've not done the gym in a long time, but I want to do the gym and there's nothing wrong with the gym. I'm not, I'm not, or I got to do my diet. I got to focus. I got to eat a lot of greens. We can tell I do not eat a lot of greens. Give me like a green gutter. I'll have like a green gummy bear. I'll have that. Right. But like I got to focus on that. And there's nothing wrong with that. But that won't keep me sober. And I want to focus on mentally. And there are times in our life where we need outside help. We do need therapy. We do need that stuff, that outside help. And there's nothing wrong with that. But for somebody like me, that didn't keep me sober. I've got to treat the spiritual malady first. And then I've got the capacity to do these other things that I want to do in life. That's what I want to do. That's what I want to do. That's what I want to do in life. That is the order I need to treat the spiritual aspect of my illness. And it says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. I got a pen to paper this thing. A list does no good in my head. Some of you are married. And some of you know your spouse has asked you to go to the grocery store and get some things. And you know the list in your head. You're not coming back with the eggs. You know? I got to put pen to paper. And some of you might be like, hey, girl, they didn't have computers back then. No, but they did have typewriters. So I will say. But honestly, I don't care. I'm a big pen to paper gal. I love pen to paper. Because it creates this thing inside. I worked as a tutor for a long time. And I know the power of like pen to paper. It makes a connection in our brain. That being said, like I know that there are people who have like arthritis and difficulties writing. So any inventory is better than no inventory. But my preference is always pen to paper. And so we set them on paper. And so this is what we're going to do. We're going to write on our inventory. It says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. And so what we do in column one, and I'm holding it up so if you have it in front of you, you can just look at it in front of you. Resentments, what we're going to do is we're going to put the name. And we're going to just name someone. It's usually mom. And then we're going to flip the page. And then it's dad. And then we're going to flip the page. And then we're going to flip the page. And then it's the ex. And then we're going to flip the page. That's the other ex. And we're going to flip the page. Maybe it's our boss. And we're going to flip the page. Right? We're going to get a little more like varied in there. Like, you know, sometimes it will be like the hockey or, you know what I mean? We'll just, we'll like flip the page. Right? It's going to be one resentment per page. And I'm a big believer in one column per page. We're going to do one column at a time. I'm not going to go one, two, three, four. I'm going to go column one, column one, column one, column one. And then I'm going to do all of column two. And then I'm going to do all of column three. And then I'm going to do all of column four. And if you're having a look at this piece of paper, you'll notice column four, there's a lot of space on there. I'm just going to indicate that might be the one that is the most important. Right? And so when we talk about who can I resent, one of the things that I can do is I can go on Google and I can look up a step four resentment prompt. And it just lists all of them. And it lists different people that I can resent like spouses, family members, cousins, employers, employees, people in AA, people in other fellowships. Right? Those are all people we can resent. Then we look at institutions. What are some institutions that we can resent? Well, anyone here ever go to rehab? Anyone here ever have a resentment towards their rehabilitation facility? Right? That's a great institution to put down. Anyone here ever end up in an emergency? Yeah. Anyone here have a resentment towards how we were treated in the emergency room? Yeah. Anyone here? No, you don't have to admit to any crimes. Anyone here ever end up in jail? Anyone here not have a great experience in jail? Maybe came away with a resentment or two? Those are some examples of institutions that we can resent. And you know what's an example of an institution? Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. Another one is Vision For You. So I can, if I got a resentment towards AA, what do I got to do? I got to put AA on my four-step list. If I got a resentment towards my home group, what do I got to do? I got to add my home group. And then probably could add the specific people. Right? And I put it down. And then when we look at principles, what are some examples of principles that I can resent? Well, the first one is God. See, if I come to the second step with why did God do this to me? I hate God. Well, that's belief, so we've crossed that second step barrier. Right? Got to believe in something to hate it. So there we are. But this is where I put God. Column one of my resentments. Column one. Another principle I can resent, I can resent that I have to do inventory. You can resent inventory and take it through inventory. I know. You can resent having to be honest. You can resent having to be willing. You can resent having to be open-minded. You know, a principle that I resented and I take, and I will inventory some weird stuff, you guys. I resented hope. The concept of hope. I resented that for a long time. See, I thought hope. And so a concept, a principle like hope, you can put through the columns. I'll just kind of share it because I'm off on that little tangent. So I'll just go where the ADHD wants to go. You know what I mean? But I resented hope. And I resented hope because, Paige, you have to have hope. You have to have hope. And see, I thought hope meant that I would get the answer. I thought hope meant that I would get the outcome that I wanted. That's not hope. That's me playing God. See, I have hope today. And the hope that I have today is that I will be okay regardless of what I get. And I only could see that through the inventory process. And that's what we do. And so those are examples. So I just put the name and flip the page. Name, flip the page. It doesn't matter what it is. Don't self-edit. I don't care how petty it is. I don't care how vague and nebulous the concept is. Man, I took a sponsee through resentment towards Tim Hortons. And it was delightful. I had the best time. I mean, she also had an experience, but I had fun. You know? It does not matter what it is. We take it through and we get freedom. And then when we're done or close to done, all our – and actually, another place, if you do have social media, a good place to get some names for your resentments list is your friends list. I've done that with sponsees when we're working together. See, the thing is, what I said with my sponsees. We do the four step together. I sit with them as they go through that process. And as we go through, I'll go on their Facebook and I'll be like, so who's Mike? Are you right, Mike Dowd? You know, like, I'll do that. Right? And they love it. It's their favorite thing when I'm going through their friends list. Because they're always like, I don't have that many. And I'm like, okay, well, what about Charlene? It's like, don't mention her. You know? Like, yeah. Because that's what we do. And so when I'm done all of that. So when I'm done all of my names, I then get into the second column. Now, the second column is we ask ourselves why we're angry. So that's it. I write why do I have the resentment. And the biggest thing that I want to say is keep it point form. Keep it brief. I don't want to get into story. I don't want to get into ANDA. And I don't want to get into, like, I don't need to get into the detail. I know. It's in my heart. But I do want to be petty. Be as petty as I really am. Be as little as I really am. And this is the only place in the step work where you can use the C word if you want. You know what I mean? So, like, take that opportunity. You're not using it in your amends. No. But here, you can use all the bad language you want. So, I mean, take advantage. So be petty. But be brief. I'm a big believer in point form. Because what we're not trying to do is to get into the overwhelm and the story. We're just trying to get to causes and conditions. And then, so once we've done that. We've done that for all of column two. It says, in most cases, we found that it was our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were burned out. Now, top of page 65. On our grudge list, we said opposite. And to me, that sounds like the instruction. Now, if you take your third column from the bottom of 64, that's cool. I take it from the top of 65. Because for me, that is the instruction. I got this grudge list. And now it says I said opposite. So on our grudge list, we said opposite. Each name our injuries. So this is what was affected by this resentment. Was it our self-esteem? So if my self-esteem was affected. And my self-esteem is how I feel about myself. Let's say I had a teacher that was mean to me growing up. Put that down. Doesn't matter if it happened when I was a kid. Put it down. Right? I get, I write self-esteem. I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't feel smart. That teacher was mean to me. You just write self-esteem. And then it says our security. And I found it helpful to break security into three types of security. We have our physical security. Did this resentment make me feel physically unsafe? Or was I physically unsafe as a result of what happened? Was that, is that real? And if so, we write physical security. Did it affect my financial security? Man, you mess with my money. We're going to have issues, right? Like, man, what is one of our biggest fears? Our two biggest fears as alcoholics tend to have to do with sexism, romantic relationships, and money. You mess with my money. You're threatening me. So we write financial security. And then emotional security. Did it make me feel emotionally unsafe, emotionally ungrounded? And if so, I just write emotional security. And then it says our ambitions. Now, my ambition is my desire to go out and do things in the world. So again, if I have that teacher that was mean to me growing up, maybe that affected my ambitions because I didn't want to go to class, I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to learn. I just write ambitions. And did it affect my personal relations? My relationships with other people? Or did it affect my romantic or sexual relations? And if so, I just write that down. And it's as simple as that. And here's one of the things you'll notice. Is the deeper the resentment, the more things that are affected. Another way to say it is the more areas of my life that are affected, the depth of the resentment and how much that resentment is affecting all these areas of my life and the need that I have to get freedom from it. And one of the things with column three, and sometimes I work with people and I'll sit with them and I'm like, oftentimes I'm just listing from this list. And they'll be like, well, I don't know. And I always emphasize if it's true for you, it's true for me. If it's true for you, it's true. We're trying to get at that feeling level of the resentment. We're trying to see the depth of the resentment. We're trying to see the spiritual treatment the resentment might need. If it is true for you, it's true. Even if it makes sense to you, it affected your ambitions, write it down. Write it down. And then what we do, we got all of column three down. Now we're going to skip across. I know you guys got the books and the paper and all that. But what we're going to do is we're going to skip across. Skip across to page 67. I'm just trying to go quickly. Now there's some gold in 66. Like I'm not skipping across 66 because it's not of value. I'm skipping across 66 because I got to go. Like, you know, I got to launch. We don't got time. And I got a time limit. I'm supposed to wrap up by 4ish, you know, light four, diet four. Right? So, I mean, they didn't say diet four. I might have interpreted 4 p.m. stop as loosey-goosey. All right. Top of page 67. What we're going to do is we're going to, before we get into the fourth column of our resentments, for each and every one, before we write on our fourth column, we're going to pray. And at minimum, the prayer that we're going to do is on the top of page 67. And it is known as the sick man's prayer. But you'll notice we're not praying for them. We're praying for us to be changed in our orientation towards them. It says, we ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully give to them. We ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will, not mine, be done. And I want to point out, this is kind of revolutionary. That idea of, like, you know that person that I absolutely cannot stand? And I'm sure all you spiritually lovely, wonderful people in Cambridge have no idea what it's like to have that person that regularly makes your inventory. You know that person? Not at all. But that person. How can I help that person? What a revolutionary idea. Change me. Right? And I often talk about, I have this pocket prayer. So when resentment pops up and I'm feeling overwhelmed, I have this pocket prayer. It's, bless them, change me. Because if they are blessed, I'm going to be able to orientate towards them in a different way. I'm always the one that needs to get changed. See, if I got a resentment, I'm the one that needs to change. Always. Now when we get into the fourth column, we've got some prompts. And what I want to do is, for each of these points, I want to have a look at these things. I want to have a look, each of the points in column two, I want to have a look at what my mistakes were. I was at fault. I want to have a look at that. And the first prompt we have, it actually comes from Ontario. It's a very Ontario prompt. Woo! There's not a lot of like, I thought we might get something like, yeah, Ontario! We did not. Okay, I will move it along. Right? Because at the top of 67, it said, though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us. See, their symptoms are going to be, and how they disturbed us is column two. Right? They, like ourselves, were sick too. So if I can ask myself, how was I sick like them? So whatever I've got in column two, I can ask myself, how was I sick like them? And I can ask myself, have I done these things? Have I done this? Have I, heck, did I do it to them first? You know what I mean? Yeah. In often cases, I have. And often when you're working with a sponsee that's guarded and defended, it's like, no, I, that we don't want to see where our mistakes were. We don't want to see where our fault is. That is a prompt that helps open us up. It's a prompt that helps open us up to seeing the depth of where we were wrong. And again, there's only freedom in being wrong, unfortunately. There's no freedom in being right. Man, I wish there was. And it says, we avoid, so next paragraph, we avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us. God will show us. See, I can't overcome, I can't overcome alcoholism on my own. I can't overcome self on my own. I can't overcome resentments on my own. I need God's help to see the truth about who I am. God will show us how to take a kindly, tolerant view of each and every one. So referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done. We're not thinking about, we're done thinking about what they did. We resolutely look for our own mistakes. And so we can pop back to page 62, where it says, where did I make a decision based on self which later put me in a position to be hurt? Where did I make a selfish, self-centered, self-seeking decision that put me in a position to have this resentment in the first place? That's where we're looking. That's where we're looking. Because that's when I can see the truth about who I am. And once I start writing that, I can go into, it says, where had we been? Not had we been. I want to point that out. It wasn't had we been. Where had we been? So I want to look for where I was selfish, where I was dishonest, where I was self-seeking, and where I was operating from a place of fear. I want to write those down. I just want to share with you, because today, what my inventory looks like, I just want to share with you, because today, what my inventory looks like, when I look at dishonesty, dishonesty, I'm pretty good with cash register honesty. I'm not going to steal from you. That's not where my dishonesty lies. Where often my dishonesty lies is, hey, please don't talk to me that way. I don't say that. Where my dishonesty lies is, hey, that makes me uncomfortable. Or saying no, or not saying no when I know I want to. That's where my dishonesty lies. Also, there's times I won't, you know, I was joking about how, what's the biggest lie in AA? It's like, I'll wrap up with this, right? Well, the second biggest lie in AA is I'm doing fine. Right? Not letting people in. Not communicating. So that is an area of dishonesty that I couldn't see until I continued to take inventory. And when I look at self-seeking, that is me trying to get from things outside of myself. When I'm trying to get value and worth and approval and affection and love, and you don't give it to me, or even if you do, it's never enough. And I need more, and I need more, and I need more. So often for me today, that is what my self-seeking lies. I'm just trying to get what my self-seeking looks like. When we take a look at fears, what we're going to do is we're going to see that I was operating from a place of fear. I was too afraid of what you think of me, to be honest. I was too afraid to say no. Or I was, you know, afraid of what people think. Like these fears that drive me. And then what we're going to do is when we finish our resentments, we're going to take those fears exactly as they are and pop them into fears. See, there's a natural flow that happens with this inventory process. See, I start with resentments and it illuminates fears. And then I start to get some freedom from fears when I go into that next section. And you know, what am I afraid of? Now, I'm going ahead a little bit, but I'm just going to suppose that your inventory is going to look a little like mine. You can tell me if it doesn't. Rejection and abandonment. That's almost everyone's two first fears. And then I keep going. I'm afraid of intimacy. I'm afraid of vulnerability. I'm afraid of sex. Didn't know those were different. Those are different. Right? I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that at the depth of who I am, I am unlovable. Right? And so those fears are putting me in a position to have a resentment. And I get to then take them and go and look at them in my fear section. And then what happens? I get to clean it up in my sex conduct. There's a natural and beautiful flow that happens with this process. There's a God-given flow that happens. And so one of the things I want to point out is with 99. 99% of our resentments, I'm looking at before. And I invariably find that I made a selfish, self-centered decision that put me in a position to be hurt. Almost invariably. But at the bottom of page 66, I want to point out it said, in that state, the wrongdoings of others, fancy to real, had the power to actually kill. 99% of my resentments are fancied. But there's that 1%. And it's usually the things that happen to us as children. It's those traumatic things. We're not looking at before, at that stuff. That's not where we're looking. When it comes to that stuff, especially that childhood trauma, where we're looking at is what did I do after? Did I drink at it? Did I use drugs at it? Did I re-victimize myself with behavior that I did to try to escape the pain I was feeling from it? Did I not seek help for it? Did I use it as a reason to hurt other people? That's what we're looking at. We're not looking at before. And I just want to, so let's pop over to the example. Because it gives us an example. But page 65, it gives us an example, but it doesn't give us the fourth column. So I figure, why don't we figure out the fourth column together? There was no enthusiasm for that. You guys are like, woohoo, yeah, let's find out where our part is with Mr. Brown. Well, not our part, our mistakes. Right? Because some of that implies Mr. Brown has a part, but we're not looking at him. So we've got column one, Mr. Brown. And here's the cause. It's his attention to my wife. Oh, how dare he. He told my wife of my mistress the nerve. And Brown may get my job at the office. And so we see all the things that it affects. And so what I'm going to do is I'm going to pray for Mr. Brown. God, help me to show Mr. Brown the same pity, patience, and tolerance that I would cheerfully grant to sick friend. How could I be helpful to Mr. Brown? God, save me from being angry. Thy will, not mine, be done. Where? Where? It would be, you know, peace out of Harrisburg drive-thru alrededor of Leaf and anarchism or reenactment algorithm with Brown at the high point of друг todrive by his wife. And so I will be here to express yourons about applying to his office. Là que tu faisais Rose Right? Hava eu feito uma decisão hippocrite e inINSIDEREIDA de nunca me conseguir curar. I mean, I do have a mistress. That's probably a selfish self-centered decision to put me in a position that is a selfish have probably put me in a position that put me in a position to be hurt. Now I don't know about you but I'm an alcoholic. I still do not have that. I'll leave you with a couple of examples before we take on the topic of ilaring bias. I have one mistress. I'tho voce não tenha shots de drogas hypothetical mistress example. I have the mistress that is the human being that I'm having the affair with, but I also have the mistress that is alcohol. And that is where my time and energy is going. You think I'm giving my wife any time, any energy, any affection, any attention in this hypothetical? And do you think if I were, Mr. Brown's got no room to move on in, you know what I mean? If I don't have a mistress, he's got none to tell my wife. And what we're going to see is that I might not be the golden star employee that I think I am. We're going to see that I am not doing well at work. All right, let's have a look at Ms. Jones. We're resentful at her because she is a nut. A nut! She snubbed me. Snubbed me. She committed her husband for drinking, completely unreasonable. She's, and he's my friend. She's a gossip. So what I, we, and we see all the things that it affects. So what I've got to do is I've got to pray for Ms. Jones. God help me to show Ms. Jones the same pity, patience, and tolerance that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. Ms. Jones is a sick person. How can I be helpful to her? God save me from being angry. Thy will not mine be done. Where might I have made a decision based on self-future later put me in a position to be hurt? Why might I be worried she's gossiping? Do I have some stuff for her to talk about? Like my mistress? You know what I mean? Like that's probably why I'm worried about it. And then we look at her. She's committing her husband for drinking. Do I care about my friend? I don't. I care that I'm missing my drinking buddy. Like we're having good times, but he is at a point where his alcoholism, where he needs to be committed to an institution, and I am so selfish and so self-centered, I can't see the effect that is having on him, his welfare, his health, his well-being, and the family that it is destroying. I cannot see how my actions drinking with him affect Ms. Jones. I cannot see that she's up late at night worried about what we're doing and she knows about the mistress so she's really worried about what we're doing you know what I mean and then I'm that self-seeking she snubbed me right I've I got some bad news and it was some bad news that ruined my day and so I'm here to ruin yours um anyone here no maybe I shouldn't do anyone here ever say like hey I'm sensitive don't raise your hands because I'm going to ruin it sensitive is just a fancy word for self-centered right I'm sitting around thinking about me and I'm worried she snubbed me but I can't see the wreckage and the ruin that I've caused in her life right and then it's my employer unreasonable unjust threatens to fire me for padding my expense account now um if you're wondering that's stealing threatens to fire me for stealing from work which unreasonable unjust so we're going to we're going to pray for my employer god help me to show my employer the same pity patience and tolerance that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend my employer is a sick person how could I be helpful to my employer god save me from being angry that I will not mind be done well there is a stealing you know I am stealing from work but I don't know what type of employee you guys were but I wasn't showing up that often and when I was I wasn't showing up the most sober you know what I mean like I show up maybe still a little bit hungover or having some non-alcohol you know little helpers to keep us straight and straight and narrow for the for the day at work you know what I mean like got the one eye going um you're not supposed to work a high stacker with the one eye I found out I really hope I really hope no one here works for like Ontario health and safety it was in Alberta it was fine it was fine right so I'm not that employee and all I can see is that how man he's gonna fire me not that I'm stealing and showing up half cut to work and like that stuff is news to me by the way when I get to the fourth column I'm like oh right yeah that time with the high stacker oopsies you know and then my wife oh she misunderstands and negs I wonder what she'd have to neg about like some brown once house put in her name all right God pray for that wife God help me to show my wife the same pity patience and tolerance that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend my wife is a sick person how can I be helpful to her God save me from being angry that I will not mind be done so that mistress is a reoccurring theme am I right and then that double mistress I'm not giving her time and attention and also how I'm showing up to work I'm about to lose my job now keep in mind in many times in this book it's actually for helpful not to think about the the gender norms of the 1930s approaching this book in the context of today is actually far more helpful but in this very specific context it might be helpful to understand that is probably not very common for women to go to work and she didn't have a way of supporting herself and me being the hypothetical man in this hypothetical relationship I had a responsibility to show up that was like what I had agressional part of my experience and I knew I had to come to the bottom of it I to in the marriage contract. And I'm not living up to the things that I said I would do. Now, I've never been married. I don't know what it's like to be a man in 1930s. Never had a mistress. But I do know what it's like to not live up to the promises that I've made. I do know what it's like to disappoint people again and again and again. And she wants the house put in her name so she doesn't lose it. So she has something to hold on to when I inevitably die of alcoholism or end up in an institution. And when I can see that, I can see the truth about myself. And so that, do we have, okay, so I'm going to rock and roll into fears, but do we have any questions about resentments before we do? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So I'll just kind of repeat the question in case people couldn't hear it. So the question is like, where do, I said, I'm going to, you did not ask it like this. I'm going to rephrase it. Where do we put the whining? And where do we put the finding our part? So yeah, I was saying in column two, we want to be petty. Column two, you broke my heart. You ruined my life. You know what I mean? Like, oh yeah, Mr. Brown, he's a jerk and I hate him. You know what? Yeah. We put that in column two. In column three, it's just from that list of effects, my. And in column four, where we have a lot of room to write. So we don't want it. We want to be point form in column two, but we want to get into detail in column four, looking at me. And yeah, this is where we are looking at where I was selfish, where I was dishonest, where I was self-seeking. Have I done these things, right? Looking at my, my faults and my mistakes. Does that make sense? Cool. Anyone else? Let's rock and roll into fears. So bottom of page 67, it says, notice the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Ms. Jones, the employer and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. See, once I started this inventory, I see how much my life has been driven by fear, right? A hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity, right? I'm not driving no bus. That's driving me crazy. I'm not driving no bus. And it says it was an evil and corroding threat. And it says the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. So fabric being shot through fabric is that what that means is there's fabric, like threads of fabric going one direction and to be shot through is going at the other direction, like horizontal and vertical. And what that makes is that makes an iridescent sort of color and fabric. And so every part of our life, we see that fear, but that, that fabric, the fear, that is that made the fabric that is made from that fear, that fear is corrosive and it's eating away at the fabric of my existence. And most of my existence is made from fear and it's eating away what's left. And I couldn't see that before I got here. And it says it set in motion trains of circumstances. Also, I want to point out, you know, it's hard to stop a train. It takes them a long time to stop. Just like these trains of circumstances I set in motion, which brought us misfortune, we fell. We didn't deserve, which again, accurate. I was like, yeah, I know. How did, how did we end up in this predicament? I'm sure it has nothing to do with my own actions, but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling? And we're going to have a good look at that in fear. Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with ceiling. It seems to cause more trouble. And then this is where we're going to get into column into the columns. So it says we reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper. Even though we had no resentment in connection with them. So what we're going to do is column one, it's just the fear. And we're going to flip the page and column one, the next fear, flip the page, column one, the next fear, just like with resentments, we're going to do one column at a time. And when we're looking at these fears, we're not as much looking at like snakes and spiders or bats in the church so much, but what we're looking at is what are known as self-centered fears and self-centered fears are, I'm not going to get what I want. I'm going to lose something that I have. Yeah, that's what we're looking at. And so what we're going to do in column one is just write the fears, rejection, abandonment, that no one will ever love me at the depth of who I am. I am unworthy. And then this is a different fear at the depth of who I am. I am unworthy and everyone can see it. I'm sure no one relates, right? Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of employment, fear of unemployment, fear of being married, fear of dying alone, right? You can see I put myself into these. No win situations. And I write those fears. And then the second column is we asked ourselves why we had them. So why do I have this fear? And often in answering that question, we get more fears that we can put into column one. Now, what I'm going to do is I'm going to roll through this and then I'm going to ask you to give me, I know, I know it's going to be a stretch. No one in this room could possibly have any fears, but maybe you guys could possibly come up with one or two and just throw them at me. And we can, I'll take them verbally through the columns. And so we're going to ask ourselves why we had them. And that's going to be column two. And then column three is going to be, wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? When we get into that column, third column, we're going to see how self, me relying on me has created and worsened this fear. Was, how has self-reliance failed me? And it's a self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other. What it made us cocky, it was worse. Perhaps there is a better way. We think so. For we are now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. When did I start that basis in step three? When I decided to work these steps like my life depends on it. It says we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We're in the role. We are in the world to play the role he assigns. Again, a call back to that third step decision. We made. It says just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely upon him. Does he enable us to match calamity with serenity? And if you're looking for sneaky promises, there's one. To the extent that I rely upon God and do what I think, not what I know, but what I think God would have me do. Does God match the calamity? And again, calamity is the big, heavy life stuff that gets matched with serenity. And that is a promise. A promise. That's how we live life on God's terms. We're trusting and rely upon God. And one of the things I want to point out is I couldn't overcome. I couldn't overcome alcoholism based on my own self-will. I could not overcome the selfishness, self-centeredness based on my own self-will. I could not overcome resentments on my own self-will. What we're going to see is I can't overcome fear on my own self-will. I need to have God's power. And see, in so many areas of my life, what I want to do is I want to overcome self-will. I want to overcome self-will. I want to do is I want to climb this ladder of success. I want to do better and be better and accomplish more. And that's not what I found these 12 steps are. It's not a ladder of success. It is giving more and more of myself and more and more of my life to that unconditional love, which is God. It is a giving. It's not a succeeding. And it says we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality, the weakness, the weakness, paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, and this I think has everything to do with what we're doing in these 12 steps. Instead, we let him demonstrate through us what we can do. See, when I show up to anything in life and I have fear, and I do, riddled with it, shot through, you know what I mean? I don't have to do it. The thing that I'm afraid of, that barrier that I'm coming up towards, I don't have to do it. What do I need to do? I need to get enough of Paige out of the way to let God work through me. That's what I'm doing whenever I'm scared. Hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood, maybe not. We'll have time to talk about step nine. Those amends, that's the thing I don't want to do. That's the thing that I'm afraid of. That's why I'm stalling on eight. That's why I'm sitting my butt down on four. I don't want to do nine. But anytime I've made an amends, what do I need to do? I need to get me out of the way and let God work through me. And here's the thing, if I'm afraid of making amends, you know a good place to put it? Fears. If I'm afraid to do an inventory, you know it's a good place to put it? I'm an inventor. Fears, right? And it says, we ask. And anytime in this book, it says, we ask, that's a prayer. And this is going to be our fear prayer. We ask God, we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. Be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. Now, when we look at that fourth call, so we'll say that prayer, God, I ask that you remove my fear of rejection and direct my attention to what you would have me be. And then I write on how can God rely and overcome that fear. And there's going to be a surface level and the deeper level. And the deeper level for almost all, not relapse, but almost all my fears is even if. Even if X, I will be okay if I rely on God and I can use this experience to help others. And so the best way to sort of explain how the fear columns work is to run through a couple fears. So who's got a fear? It can be hypothetical. You just yell, yell a fear at me. Fear of yelling. Yeah, go ahead. I just want to say, one of the things, like, when I got to, it wasn't in my first inventory, I'm not going to say something. But in the second inventory, I got to the fears and I looked at the deeper why. I found out that they were actually driven by principles that I never put in my resentment. Like societal principle values. Yeah. So I found the fear. And then when I got to the why part, why did I feel that way? Because society said, you have to be this size. You have to be this weight. Or ingrained things that we hold as children. And it led me back to the reason why I'm on all kinds of principle. Yeah. Yeah, like, you know, not being, you know, that's not what I want to be. Yeah. Not being the right, the fear of not fitting in. Yeah, fear of not fitting in. I definitely don't. So call them on. Fear of not fitting in. Two, why do I have this fear? Because society tells me I need to fit in. Because if I don't fit in, you're all going to talk about me and you're all going to judge me and you're all going to laugh at me. If I don't fit in, I won't have any friends. If I don't fit in, I won't have a partner. If I don't fit in, I'll die alone. If I don't fit in, you'll know that the depth of who I am is unworthy and unlovable. Not a big deal, right? That's why. And what we see from those whys is other fears that I have. Fear of gossip. Fear of judgment. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not being approved of, right? So when I get to that third column, how has self-reliance failed me, what I can do is I can start with my most alcoholic day and work forward. See, I don't know about you, but when I'm sleeping with your husband, peeing on your carpet, and stealing your car, I do not ingratiate myself to fitting in. You know what I mean? I. I ain't kidding. I never. It was linoleum. So when I'm living in, when I'm doing that, I'm more likely to be rejected. I'm more likely to not fit in, right? But even sober, even sober, what happens for me? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to isolate because I don't want you to get to know me. I'm going to reject you first because I don't want to feel that pain, right? I'm going to show up with the orientation of what can I get. I need you to like me. And that's going to be draining. I'm going to see. I'm going to be that approval suck. I need you to like me. I need you to think well of me. And that drains my relationships. I'm going to be dishonest with you. I'm going to put up walls and I'm going to put up masks and I'm going to try to get your approval, right? And all of that creates barriers between me and you. Because I need you to like me to be okay. See, whenever. Whenever I'm struggling with that feeling of who I am not enough. If you answer the question for whom, right? I'm not enough for who? For who? That tells me who I've put in the position of the God chair, right? And so I need you to like me for me to be okay. And I'm getting from you. I'm getting from you. And so what I'm going to do is I'm going to write all that down. I'm going to get to that prayer. God, God, I ask that you remove my fear of people of not fitting in and direct my attention to what you would have me be. And I'm going to write. And so. And so one of the things I'm going to do is I'm going to be rigorously engaged in this way of life. I'm going to be working these 12 steps. And as a result, I'm going to be sober. And as a result of that, the carpet thing doesn't happen. You know what I mean? Less likely to anyways, right? Yeah. Yeah. Don't point that out. It's an easy clean. It's fine. You just mop. Any focus. Focus. Snap right back. All right. So, yeah. I'm somebody. I'm not breaking the law. I'm not committing. I'm not committing felonies. You're more likely to have me over for Sunday dinner. You know what I mean? But also, how do I show up to relationships when I'm relying on God? How I show up to relationships when I'm relying on God is what can I give? How can I include? How can I help? What I'm also doing, I'm working these 12 steps, so I'm continuing to take inventory. So I see when I'm in fear and I clean that up. I see when I've stepped on your toes and I make amends for that. Also, one of the things, man, if I'm worried about what people think, there's freedom. Freedom in making amends. If I'm afraid to communicate. If I'm afraid to set. Boundaries. Amends. Amends. People lose. Fear of people and of economic insecurity leave us. Amends. All right, so I'm going to do that. I'm going to start sponsoring others and I'm going to see that I have value and worth even if I'm a giant weirdo that talks about A4 paper. You know what I mean? I'm also, I'm going to show up with love and compassion. And because my value and worth, and I'm actively seeking my value and worth in God. I'm grounded and rooted in something different. I'm grounded and rooted in something different, deeper. I can show up and be who I truly am. I can grow in authenticity. I can grow in vulnerability. I can be me. And then people start liking me. Who I actually am. Not the pretend version I'm putting up there. And the deeper level is, even if I don't fit in, even if I'm a weirdo. If I rely on God, I will be okay and I will use that experience to help others. That's the deeper level. Do you want to do one more fear? Got real quiet. Does anyone have a fear? Fear of public speaking. Fear of public speaking. It's happening. It's happening. All right. Go on one. Fear of public speaking. Go on two. Why do I have this fear? Because I'm afraid we're going to get a theme. I'm afraid you're going to judge me. I'm afraid I'm going to embarrass myself. I'm afraid you're all going to talk about me. Right? I'm not, see I'm not afraid I'm going to show up and nail it. I'm afraid I'm going to make an ass out of myself. You're all going to talk about it. It'll be news of Cambridge. I'm not that important. All right. So that's column two. And we can see that we have a fear of embarrassment, a fear of judgment, a fear of what people think. And those can go into column one. Now column three, how has self-reliance failed me? Well, I don't know about you, but on self-reliance, Paige, can you come speak? No. I'm busy. I got other things to do. Right? Paige, can you come speak? Or Paige, would you like to share? No, thank you. I'll pass. You know? So I don't get any practice with it. And the more that I avoid it, the bigger it gets. Right? But again, what do I need? Who has become my God? You. And your approval has been my God. And I need it. I need you to like me, to think well of me. So my focus when I speak is what can I get? Can you like me? Am I smart? Am I funny? Am I pretty? Am I eloquent? Nope. You know, am I all these things? And I need from you. And that's draining and that's exhausting. Now, God, I pray that you would remove my fear of public speaking and direct my attention to what it is you would have me be. Well, I'm going to say yes to service. I'm going to say yes to these opportunities. Now, I joke with people. I'm like, if Alcoholics Anonymous does nothing else, what we'll do is we'll ruin your drinking and we'll get you real good at public speaking. You know what I mean? I mean, that's just if you're trying to keep the plug in the jug and go to meetings. Like, we have a way of life that is radical and transformational. But you'll get comfy with public speaking. Right? And then what does my public speaking begin to become about? But what I do. About what I can give. And how I can help. And how I can be of service. Not about what I can get. And I begin to think about how I can channel God into what I say. Not how I can get you to like me. Because my value and worth, again, is rooted and grounded in something different and something deeper. And the reality is, even if, even if I suck at this whole public speaking thing, and I make a complete ass of myself, if I rely on God, I will be okay. And I will use that experience to help others. And you know that to be true. Because what do I have to share? I mean, y'all want to hear about the linoleum. You don't want to hear about any, like, you didn't want to hear about, like, I worked as a tutor. You're like, oh, who cares? She had employment for a little while. Nobody cares. Tell me about when you peed on the carpet. You know? That's the stuff that makes me useful. Does that make sense? Did we, so we have about, we have about, I think, ten minutes left in this session? About ten minutes. About ten minutes. So we wanted to do another, do we want to do another fear or do we want to try to rip through sex? I could have phrased that very differently. We got another fear. We won't, we'll take our time with the whole sex thing. Fear of listening, say that again? Oh, fear of, yeah, following guidance, right? Cool. Why do we have that fear? One, I don't want to be, I don't want to make mistakes. Probably got a strain of perfectionism that we'll see in column three. Maybe I've gotten bad advice. Maybe I can't, maybe I, because of my alcoholism, I know that I can't trust myself. Right? Maybe I've burnt things to the ground so many times. Right? So maybe that's why. We go to column three, how has self-reliance failed me? There's this word that I use a lot, ironically, in sex conduct, and it's called discernment. And discernment is called judgment without judging. I'm not going to have that on self-will. You know what I mean? Now, I'm now dipping into sex conduct a little bit. Like, this is my discernment. Like, listen, the blue of his grippy socks matches the blue of his eyes. It's perfect. We're meant to be together. Just his hair just matches the AA coffee. You know, the glint in his eyes matches the glint of his 24-hour chip. It's perfect. You know, absolutely perfect. Absolutely no discernment. Right? So I'm going to show, I'm going to take advice from people I ought not. One of the things is I also run by self-will. And I run by what I think I know best, so I don't actually have practice receiving advice. Also, the type of person that I have in my life, of course, when I'm peeing on your carpet, that's become a real theme. When I'm peeing on your carpet, like, I don't have people. The people in my life are people that are less bothered by that, and they're probably not people that have sane, sound, solid advice. You know what I'm saying? Right? So I've damaged those relationships. And maybe I'm not saying that anyone here would ever have something like this. But a little bit of that black and white thinking, we go all in. And we go all in right away. We don't develop trust over time at all. We just do that, you know? Yeah. And so, and then we get burned. And that is how self-reliance fails. And again, that isolating. Like, I'm not going to ask for help. I'm hyper self-reliant, and I'm struggling, and I'm dying, and I don't know the way out. God, I pray that you would remove my fear about receiving and following bad guidance and direct my attention to what you would have me be. And then the fourth column, I'm working these steps. I'm working these steps as a way of life. And I'm diving in. And I'm doing this thing. And the people around me start to become healthier. And the advice I start to get becomes a little bit different. Right? And I don't have to trust all at once. I can develop and build trust over time. And one of the things is I also begin to develop an inner authority that is not my authority. I begin to really trust and rely upon God. And you start to know. And it talks about how our thought life will be placed on a much higher plane. We start to have an understanding of what is God-given guidance. You know, I had a call with my sponsor the other day. And, you know, I was running a service. And I said, you know, I'm going to do this. And I was running a situation by him because I couldn't see past me. So often I can't see past me. And step five, we're going to talk about it. A solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. It's not enough. And you know what he says? He says, you're not going to like this. But you got to go do that thing you don't want to do. And in the depth of my soul, I knew you're right. Because that is a selfless action. And that's what I need to do. See, I start to hear the voice of God and the advice from others the more I listen and the more that I seek. And the more that I try it little by little. And the deeper level is even if. Oh, and you know that perfectionism that I alluded to in that third step? Or that third column? Yeah, I, perfectionism. I can let go of that. I can grow in humility. I'm no better than you. I'm no worse than you. I can make mistakes. I don't need to take myself so seriously. I can do it wrong and learn from that. And so the deeper level is even if. Even if I get some bad advice. And even if I follow that bad advice. If I rely on God, I will be okay. And I will use that to help others. And I will use that bad advice that, you know, got so many of us here. You know, probably followed by some good advice which was like, girl, go to AA. You got a problem. That's good advice. You know? Yeah. Does that sound good for fears? All right. You know what I might do? Just if we feel like that's fears rather than get into sex, why don't we wrap it up early and then start the next session a little early. How's that sound? Rock and roll. All right. Oh, thank you.