Paige F. at the 164 and Beyond Group – 2025

Hi so much, I'm Paige, I'm an alcoholic, and thank you Joanne, that truly is so kind. And I had in my mind the thought of sharing my experience, strength, and hope around the 164, obviously not all the pages of them, but we often end many of our meetings on the last two paragraphs of A Vision for You on the page 164. So I thought what I would do, and if you're like, I don't like it, that's fine, there'll be a better speaker next week, but what I'll do is I'll share my experience, strength, and hope around those last two paragraphs. And if you got your book to hand, I have a feeling that we're going to be bouncing a little bit. I've been known to bounce around the big book and share my experience, strength, and hope with that. So if you got your book, grab it, we'll be diving into the last two paragraphs of page 164. It says, The book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come. If your own house is in order, but obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely be with us. This is the great fact for us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely be with us. We shall be with us. We shall be with us. You will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. And where it kicks off is this idea that this book is meant to be suggestive only. And I'll be honest, I don't know about you guys, but by the time I got here, I was not super jazzed about suggestions. I was kind of hoping I didn't have what you guys had, because I had a feeling you all were alcoholics. But hi, I was hoping that I had just a bit of a chance to get a little bit of a feel for you. I was hoping that I ended up in, back in the day, it was like church basements and community centers. And that's why I was hanging out with you wonderful people. It was a series of unfortunate oopsie-doopsies and whoopsie-daisies, which I'm sure is the clinical term. And that it had nothing to do with my alcoholism. And I would do this thing. And this thing that I would do, and I'm sure nobody here at 164 and Beyond would ever do this, it's called judging the speaker. But I would do that all the time. And I would listen to somebody natter on like me, and I'd be like, whoa, I'm not as bad as her. And then I'd listen to somebody lovely and wonderful like Joanne, and I'd think, whoa, I'm way worse than her. And I would look for all the ways that I didn't fit, and all the ways that I didn't belong. And you see, when I don't think I have a problem, I've got no need for a solution. And if I've got no need for a solution, I don't need your suggestions on how to get there. But you see, I showed up to Alcoholics Anonymous with a whole lot of andes, a whole lot of yeah buts, a whole lot of I'm different, and here's how, and here's why. But when we look at what alcoholism is, the way in which I can diagnose alcoholism in myself, man, it made it as simple as it needed to be for somebody who, and I know it's true. I've got no need for a solution. I've got no need for a solution. It's just me that overcomplicated it. And it really comes down to two statements on page 44, two statements that I get to turn and take to questions. And those two statements cut me between the eyes. They cut through all that delusion, all that denial, all of my andes, all of my yeah buts, all of my I'm different, I'm young, he was worse than me, all of that. And I saw myself for who I really am. So if you have your book to hand and you want to bounce around, let's pop over to page 44. And if you're not bouncing, that's cool. I'm a read everything. So if you don't got your book, you don't want to bounce, don't worry, you're not missing out on nothing. But chapter four, we agnostics page 44. It says in the preceding chapters, you have learned something of alcoholism. Goodness gracious, I hope so. I hope we learned something up to that point, you know. And it says we hope we've made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. And I hope we've made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. And these are the symptoms that I need to look at for step one. These are the symptoms that differentiated me between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. This is what makes me alcoholic. It says if when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely or, and I'll be quite frank with you guys, I am an and sort of gal. I'm not an or sort of drinker. I am an and. But it says, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. So alcoholism essentially comes down to two symptoms, which is good news because it's not based on consequences. It's not based on age. It's not based on background. It's not based on family of origin. It is based on ultimately two symptoms. Now the second statement is talking about what happens when I drink. And I'm going to talk about that in a little bit. But I'm going to talk about the second statement. And I'm going to talk about what happens when I drink. And I'm going to talk about the second statement. And I'm going to talk about the second statement. It says if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, what I can do is I can hold my experience up to that light. What happens to me when I take a drink and I'll tell you what happens to me. You guys can let me know if you relate. I take a drink and I experience. You guys know what I'm saying? Ease, comfort, relief, release. I was wearing my shoulders. I was wearing them as earrings. They begin to fall. It's the only joy in the world. I'm not saying that I'm not going to do that. It's the only jewelry I'll wear. My shoulders. You know, that's how I was showing up to life. I take that drink. I am okay. I'm comfortably numb. I can sit and be okay in my own skin. I can breathe for the first time. But you see, I take that drink and I get that effect. And you see, that's what I'm after. I'm after that effect. I don't know about you, but for somebody like me, I am a relief seeking missile. And I take that drink and I get that relief. If only it lasts for an instant. And it's like a little switch that goes off in the back of my head. And it tells me more. And the more that I drink, the more that I need to drink. You see, the more I take that next drink, the louder the more in my mind gets. You see, I take one drink and it demands a second. And that second drink insists on four. And that fourth drink will not relent until I've had eight. And my eighth drink is screaming at me until I've had 16. And my fourth drink is screaming at me until I've had 16. And what happens is because I cannot control the amount that I take once I start to drink every single time, I cross these lines in the sand I said I would never cross. I do these things I said I would never do. I hurt people in ways I never wanted to hurt people. And my life becomes one that is absolutely unrecognizable to somebody like me. And you see, I didn't know what it was called and I didn't know what it was. But I can concede that I have the allergy of the body. I can concede that I can never ever safely drink again. But that's not my step one experience. My step one experience comes when I begin to experientially understand and concede the second part of the illness that is alcoholism, which is the obsession of the mind. And so on page 44, when it says, if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely. And what would happen to me is I would burn my life to the ground. And I would burn my life to the ground. And I would burn my life to the ground. And I would burn my life to the ground. And I would burn my life to the ground. And I would come to the morning after I would scrape myself up off the bathroom floor. And I would be filled with self hatred, and guilt and shame. And man, I couldn't look myself in the mirror. And I would say with everything that was in me, I am never going to drink again. And I meant it. I meant it with everything that was in me. I meant it. I wanted to stay sober. I needed to stay sober. I did not want to drink again. And the baffling feature of alcoholism is that had no ability to keep me sober. You see, what happens is I say, ''I'm never going to drink again, and a day a week a month, several months down the line, I get a thought. And that thought happens in my mind. And that thought happens when I am sober. I thought I just had to get sober. But every time I took that first drink, I was sober and that tells me that sobriety is not a solution to my alcoholism which is mind-boggling for somebody like me but you see what happens and what that looks like is when I am sober I get a thought that tells me I can drink again and I believe that lie and I'll tell you what it looks like it looks like this time will be different it looks like nobody will ever know it looks like hey I'm from Alberta there's a lot of drunks in Alberta but we're on the I know this time zone it's Pacific I were on the west coast there's no alcoholics out here it can't go wrong right it looks like if you're feeling the way that I was feeling you'd have to take a drink too if you're going through what I was going through you need a drink man I'm gonna kill myself anyway so why don't I take a drink and just as much as it looks like that as it looks like a little voice that says take a drink and that gets a little louder take a drink and it gets a little louder take a drink take a drink take a drink take a drink take a drink until what little defense that I was able to muster is inevitably eroded away and I take that first drink and as much as it is that is it is also the case of the suddenlies I'm out there living my life and I get suddenly and suddenly I have a drink in my hand and I do not know how it happened and you see I what that means is that I have do not have the ability to stay sober on my own power now I did not try everything but everything that I tried failed the allergy of the body means that I can never ever drink again but the obsession of the mind means that I will drink again and when I was able to see that moment in my life where I knew that there was nothing that I could do there was nothing in and of myself that I could do that would keep me sober that was my step one experience that I didn't have the answer I didn't have the solution and let's pop over let's go to page 25 page 20 25 we're gonna go to the bottom paragraph and it says if you are seriously alcoholic as we were we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution and I'll be honest like I was sharing I was hoping I could find one you we were in a position where life was becoming impossible and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid we had but two alternatives one was to go on to the bitter ends blotting out the consciousness of her intolerable situation as best we could in the other to accept spiritual help you see when I understand in an experiential way my step one predicament I have a step one experience I see the reality of the situation I see the reality of the situation I see the reality of the last three steps now I can see the reality of the black-and-white option that I have the black-and-white option you see these steps are suggested these twelve steps outlined in this book nobody's gonna make me do it but what happens is when I come to the end of myself I come to the end of my abilities my ideas my plans my designs all the things that I tried and it doesn't work and I can't stay sober in the times that I'm sober I don't want to be here any more and that is my reality when I see that I don't don't have a way out and I'm offered a solution, it then becomes obvious and I got to grab that, a hold of that solution. You see, if I have alcoholism, there isn't a third option. There isn't a door number three. Nobody's going to make me take the course of action that is outlined in this book, the way of life that is outlined in this book. But when I saw that I had no other option and I saw that you guys had found a solution, there was nothing left for me but to dive into this course of action, dive into this way of life like my life depends on it because it does. Now let's go back to page 164. We're going to be bouncing a little bit, so bear with me. Page 164, the very bottom paragraph where it says, abandon, abandon yourself to God as you understand God. So what's the bottom line? So what's the bottom line? What does that mean? And you know, I have, because I'm really fun at parties, thanks for inviting me. I have, and to nobody's surprise, a 1930s dictionary and I will look up words in my 1930s dictionary. It's just one that I happen to have around the house because again, I'm a whole lot of fun just reading the dictionary by myself. For those that are new, sobriety is more fun than I'm making it look. But in the 1930s dictionary, one of the definitions of the word understand is to know through experience. It is to know a power through experience. And at this point, I have no, at this point, what I'm talking about is at the point where I've conceded, I've got no answer. I've got no solution. I've got no experience with the solution. But the purpose of the 12 steps is to bring about that understanding, that experience of our solution. And when it says, abandon yourself to God as you understand God, what does that mean? What are we talking about? Well, I said we might bounce. It turns out we're bouncing more than I thought we would. Let's, let's pop over to page 59. Apologies for those that are getting whiplash, bouncing around. Page 59. Page 59, first full paragraph. It says, half measures availed us nothing, which is rude because I really think I should get a little something for something. I'm not saying I should get everything, but I think half measures, should at least avail me a quarter. But what does half measures avail me nothing mean? What that means is nothing less than a spiritual awakening is the result of these 12 steps that I deepen and grow as a way of life. And I will drink again. That's what it means. That's what I was looking at when I was at that point on page 25. I got two choices. I got two options. It goes on to say, we stood at the turning point. And where we're at, at page 59, that is the turning point for my entire life. And that's what the third step decision is. And then it says, we asked. And here's something interesting. Anytime in this book, it says we asked. That's a prayer. Y'all know there's a sneaky little prayer in how it works, which I, I hope there's some, I hope there's some big book nerds that are like, what? And that's fun for you. For everyone else, I apologize profusely. But there's a prayer. We ask his protection. And so what does that mean? And what does that look like? Well, the metaphor that I like to use is imagine that I am lost in the forest of alcoholism. And in that forest, there is a monster. And it is a monster that is chasing me. And that monster is the obsession of the mind. And I start to run and I run with everything that is in me. I'm, I'm trying to run from this thing. I'm jumping, I'm ducking, I'm diving, I'm weaving. And that monster, it inevitably closes the distance and gets me. It takes a swipe. And I take that drink and I fall down. And I come to, I'm beaten, I'm broken, I'm hurt, I'm in despair. And I pull myself up and I say never again. And I start running from that monster. But the obsession of the mind always closes the gap. And takes a swipe and it gets me. And I take that drink and down I go. And I pull myself up and I start running. And little by little I try different things. I try different techniques. It's not like I'm not trying. I'll try to hide in abandoned trees and caves. But the obsession of the mind, that monster always gets me. And I can't outrun it. And I make my way to a clearing. And that clearing. And I run. And I run. And I get to the end. Of a cliff. The edge of a cliff. The precipice. And I look behind me. And what I see is that monster barreling down. And there's nothing. I got nothing that I can do to stop it. I got no way to make it stop. And I look over the edge of the cliff. And what do I see? I see a cloud of unknowing. You see, I can't see what's on the other side. I can't see what's at the bottom. But what do I hear? I hear your voices. Members of Alcoholics Anonymous who have recovered. Who have had the spiritual experience. The light is on in your eyes. The hope is in your spirit. And what are you shouting? You're shouting, jump. Jump. Take that leap of faith. Faith we promise. It's worth it. Do it. Jump. And because. Because I've got nothing that will stop me. Or stop the obsession of the mind from getting me. I see that relapse is inevitable. And I can't live without it. I can't live without it. I can't live this way anymore. I'm not going to survive this. And because I hear your voices. And you have something. I take that leap of faith. And that leap of faith. What does it look like? Let's bounce back to page 164. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. So what does that leap of faith look like? The leap of faith. The leap of faith. The leap of faith. I want to say that I'm going to take that leap of faith in a very tangible, practical way. It looks like I am going to pick up the pen and paper and I am going to start writing my inventory. Like my life depends on it because it does. I'm going to dive all into these 12 steps as a way of life. That's what it looks like. And so what happens is I pick up the pen and I pick up the paper and I start on my resentments. And I get to that fourth column. And I begin to see the stuff inside of me that's blocking me from this power. You see this power that was there the whole time but I am blocked and the purpose of these 12 steps is to clear away that stuff inside of me. And I begin to take that inventory. And I begin to see the truth. I begin to see who I am and how I'm showing up. I begin to see where I've caused harm. Where I've done the exact same things. Where I've been resentful to others. I begin to see where I was selfish. Where I was dishonest. Where I was self-seeking and where I was afraid. I then pick up those fears. And I begin to put pen and paper on those fears and I see why I have them. And then I see how has me relying on me created these fears, brought them into fruition, made them worse. And I dive in to how can relying on this power that I don't yet know, that I don't yet understand, but I've got to do it. And I'm beginning to understand how, how can this happen. And I begin to write on how God reliance, higher power reliance can overcome this fear. I begin to look at my relationships, my romantic sexual relationships. And I look at where I caused harm, where I was selfish, where I was dishonest, where I was inconsiderate, where I created jealousy, suspicion and bitterness. And I look at what I should have done instead. And in that process I see again a deeper layer of the defects of character, the shortcomings, the things that are driving me, the things that are blocking me from this power. And what do I do? What happens is I cultivate an ideal for this part of my life. About who I am meant to be before, during and after a relationship. And what do I do? I take that inventory. And I got a whole another leap of faith because what do I do? Is I admit my faults to him and to my fellows. So I take that work. I take that inventory. And I share it with God and another human being. And so what we're looking at, that leap of faith begins as I do my fourth step in my, and lean in and do that fifth step. And here's what happens. What happens is in this, in step five, it talks about, it talks about to admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being. And now there's two ways to look at the word admit. The first is a bit of a confession. And I always like to make this joke that it is. I need to admit I stole your car. I slept with your husband and I peed on your carpet. Yeah, a bit of a confession. And don't you worry. I never did any of those things. It was linoleum. It was linoleum. And so that's, that's one way to look at the word admit. But another is if you get a ticket, let's say to a concert, let's say to a sporting event. And on that ticket, what does it say? It says, admit one. And what that is, is a letting in. So the fifth step is not simply a confession, but it is also a letting in of God and another human being. And that's what that process begins, begins to do. And in the fifth step promises, it talks about we may have had spiritual beliefs, but we now begin to have a spiritual experience. And in the second step, it's like, hey, you can maybe if you're willing to dive into this course of action, you can join us on the broad highway. Well, at the fifth step, it says it talks about we're now on the highway. We're now doing this. I am beginning to walk this path. So when it says abandon yourself to God as you understand him, that's what we're talking about. Following up the third step decision with the actions of four through nine. Now it goes on to say clear away the wreckage of your past. Well, what happens is in that in that fourth step, I see where I've caused wreckage. I see where I've hurt others. I've seen. I see where I've hurt others. I've seen where I've shown up in a way that I didn't want to show up. I've seen where I didn't want to be that person. And what do I do? I after that fifth step, I have what we call the quiet hour. At least I call it that. But it's a whole hour where I got to be quiet. I got to reflect on all that I've done and all the ways that I've caused harm and all the work that I've done up into this point. And in that quiet hour, man, like for me, I always pull from the sixth step in that quiet hour. It's like, really, am I willing to be free of these things that I saw these things that were pointed out to me, these things that were illuminated? And here's my experience. I'm never more willing to be free than right after a fifth step. And right before I go out for eight and nine. And what happens is I, man, I'm willing to take them because I can see the harm. And also, if if your experience is not like mine. Well, actually, I did. I'll be honest. Of course, I had some fear about losing some of them. You see, if I thought if I lost my codependency, I thought if I lost my now people pleasing is not what it is because I don't actually care if you're pleased. I care if you like me, which is also known as approval seeking or as the book calls it, self-seeking even when trying to be kind. But I was like, who will I be without that? Who will I be without these defects of character, these shortcomings? Who will I be? And what I have found. I have found. Because I was worried the pendulum was going to swing and I'd be a real jerk. And nobody would want to be around me. And I was still really codependent. But what I have found is who will I be when these defects are gone? Who will I be when they fall away? Is who I truly always wanted to be, but never thought I could be. The truest and best version of myself. But I don't know that to be true until I lean into this course of action. Lean into this way of life like my life depends on it because it does. And so if I'm willing to be a different person, if I'm willing to be changed, not just change, if I'm willing to be changed from the inside out to take a course in action I don't like and I don't agree with it. Yikes, I'm afraid of step nine. But if I'm willing to do that, I will be changed despite myself. And that is my lived experience. I'm not the same person I was when I got here. I'm not the same person I was at five years sober, 10 years sober, 15 years sober. I am a different person. And I continue to be changed. There's no limit. And we're going to talk about that here. I'll say a bit, but near the end, probably, if I remember. There's no limit to the spiritual experience that we get to have. But that process of seeing who I am and seeing the stuff inside of me that is blocking me from this power and how I've caused harm and pain to those around me. And that willingness to be a different person that thrusts me into steps eight and nine. And let's be honest, that's the step I'm afraid of. That's the step I don't want to do. And there's an interesting, and I call it a promise, maybe it's just statistics, that happens in the ninth step. Where it talks about in nine out of ten cases, the unexpected happens. You know what is unexpected? That it goes well. I haven't even, like, I'll make amends for something that wasn't even a crime. And I'm like, SWAT's going to kick down the door. Or it's like my mom, who, like, I have a wonderful relationship and she's just happy I'm doing okay. And I'm like, mom's going to hate me. No, she's not. But what happens is I take that course of action. And I go out rigorously to set right my wrongs to the best of my ability. And I emphasize, like, with vigor, with velocity, with momentum. Because if I, again, if I know what will happen. If I don't have that spiritual awakening. That monster's going to get me. I'm going to drink again. But also, if anyone here has, and I'm sure you guys, you guys don't ever know what it's like to sit on steps. And avoid, like, writing inventory. Or avoid an amends. Not you guys. But I've done that a time or two. And what I will tell you is that is where the pain for me lives. The pain is not in the spiritual action. Sometimes I remember I would go to certain meetings locally. And people would say, oh, you got to watch out for that four step. Oh, you got to watch out for amends. No, it's avoiding them. That's always been the problem. That's always when I'm in pain. That always leads to that suffering. Why? Because that stuff is there. And it's blocking me from that experience that I need. And so what happens is I go and I make amends I don't want to make. I make amends that I'm trying to avoid. And I make amends, most that go well and some that don't. And what is my experience? My experience is that that guilt and that shame falls away. My experience is that I get to show up to life in a brand new way. I'm no longer living in that obsession and that pit in my stomach of, you know, when you see somebody at the supermarket, you just want to duck behind the aisles. Like, there is freedom. And if I am struggling with the idea that there could be a power greater than myself, what I would encourage is make my amends. You know, obviously go through, not just willy-nilly, but go through this. Make my amends. And I can't tell you how often I have watched the power that is beyond the title of God. See, God is just a title. It's just a name. And what is beyond it is power. And I need, and it talks about here, a relationship. And I need to be with power. And I will experience that power when at the other side of actions I don't want to take, actions that I don't think will help. And I go out and I make my amends and I become free. I go out and I make my amends. And even when they don't go well, I become free. I go out and I make my amends. And how often does my ninth step amends turn into a 12-step opportunity? How often does it seem like there is a power that is moving behind these amends to bring certain things together that I did not think possible, but I can't have that experience if I'm avoiding them? Which I have done, so I'm not calling nobody out. I've been there. Right? And so I take that course of action. And so I clear away the wreckage of my past. And what does that do? Well, actually, what happens is right after the ninth step promise, I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. Right? The ninth step promises. I'm now bouncing around, but just not giving anyone any page numbers, which is the worst way to be doing this. It's so rude of me. Yeah. If you guys want to bounce around with me, let me get you. What we'll do is we'll go to page 84. It's right at the end of the ninth step promises. Right after it says are these extravagant promises. And I will say I do like to be, yeah. Yeah. They're pretty extravagant. I don't know about you. But they're extravagant. They're extravagant. extravagant. But it says, this thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. So what happens is that 10th step is condensing the actions that I've taken in four through nine. I learned how to take inventory. I learned what to do with it, to share it with someone. I learned what I see to be asked for it to be removed. I learned how to make amends. And the 10th step brings me into the present. It goes on to say, we vigorously, vigorously, that's with some effort, with some action, we're moving, I'm going after it, commence this way of living. Rude, rude. You're telling me these 12 steps are a way of life? Rude. I was kind of hoping I'd do it for a little bit and be done. No, these 12 steps are a way of life. That I continue on as I live and I get to live happy, joyous, and free. But it goes on to say, we commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the capital S Spirit. And so what happens is steps four through nine thrust me into that place of spiritual awakening that I deepen and that I grow. And so what happens is that I'm in the process of growing. And so what happens is that I'm in the process of growing. And so what happens is that I'm in the process of growing. And so what happens is that I'm in the process of growing. In steps 10, 11, and 12. And we'll talk a little bit more about 10, 11, and 12 as we pop back up to the paragraph that we typically kick off on on 164. But what do I find? What do I find as a result of taking actions I don't want to take? Actions that I don't think will help? Well, at the bottom of that page, it talks about the 10th step promises. Those 10 step promises talk about being a restored to sanity. That doesn't mean that doesn't mean everything's always good upstairs. But what we are talking about when we talk about sanity, and we talk about insanity, we are singularly focusing on the obsession of the mind, the thought that I have, when I am sober, that takes me back to the first drink. And in those 10 step promises, what it tells me is that if I continue this way of life, I continue to practice what I learned in four through nine, that I watch for resentment, dishonesty, selfishness, and fear when they crop up. I asked God to remove them, I discuss them with somebody. And I emphasize this, I discuss them through the columns, there's no use learning this powerful tool that allows me freedom, and never using it again. I discuss it through the columns, I make amends if I have caused any harm. And I turn my thoughts resolutely to someone I can help. And the result of doing that, continuing that process, is the obsession is gone. I'm not fighting it. I'm not avoiding it. I'm not in a place of temptation. I'm in a position of neutrality where I am safe, and I am protected. And the problem has been removed. It is gone. I'm not fighting it. Man, that's what I needed. I didn't think it was possible that and so much more than that. There's so many beautiful descriptions of what a spiritual experience looks like. A spiritual experience, it's described in Bill's story as a feeling of lifted up, a sense of victory, a peace and a serenity. It also talks about this radical change to how I see the world and how I show up to life. And there's so many more. But what I'm talking about is I am changed from the inside out. What happens to me is I become who I always wanted to be, but never thought I could. That there was a good person inside of me the whole time. A worthy person, a person who was a good person inside of me. And I'm not talking about a good person, deserving of love. And I awaken to that reality. And so what do I find? What I find is permanent contented sobriety. Now, if I got some big book nerds, you're going to be like, wait a minute, you were just at the 10 step promises. Yeah, we got an asterisk on permanent. It says I have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, which is good news, because it's not contingent on my spiritual condition. It's contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. My ability to live free in the world is not contingent on how I feel. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. It is contingent on what I do. The spiritual actions that I get to take on a daily basis that allow me to live a life of meaning and purpose. And so on page 164, I'm sorry, we're bouncing and bouncing and bouncing. But on 164, when it says give freely of what you find and join us, what did I find permanent contented sobriety, a life of meaning a life of purpose, a way of life, which answers all my problems, a way of life that allows me to show up in ways I never thought possible to be the person I never thought I could be to be kind and loving and generous and selfless and, and, and human and make mistakes until and to grow through those mistakes and not have those mistakes define who I am. That's what we find. So that's what I find. That's what I've got to give freely. I give that freely. So give freely of what you find and join us and what the whole chapter of vision for you, the whole thrust of that chapter, it ties in. I'm sorry, I'm not doing I'm not doing good at all the pages and all the bounces. But on page 14, right after Bill Wilson has a spiritual experience. He had this vision where he thought of other alcoholics. And maybe he could help some of them. They in turn might work with others, that vision that Bill Wilson had, maybe I could help other people have what I had. That's the vision that is given to us in page and the whole chapter, a vision for you. Maybe I could help others, and they in turn might work with others. So that's what we're talking about. Join us. And it says, so we shall be with you in the capital F capital S fellowship of vision. The Spirit. And the only there's no bar for entry to the fellowship, really, you know, problem with alcohol and a desire to be here because it's not a hostage situation. You don't have to be if you don't want to, you know, that's the only bar to entry to the fellowship. But the fellowship of the Spirit, the bar to entry is also not that high. Although let me tell you, before I take that course of action, yikes, it feels like it. The only thing that is separating me from the fellowship of the Spirit is the fellowship of the Spirit. And that's the only thing that is separating me from the fellowship of the Spirit. From that place of hopelessness to that place of hope is the 12 steps as a way of life. And in my experience is outlined in this book. That's the only thing. That's what I've got to do. And it says, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge. And I remember there's a guy locally, and he would always say trudge means walk with purpose. But to move with purpose and direction when I was purposeless and directionless. But this time to can wait. That was aUly he sign I drove it. And that's what I do. You can learn all these little things I teach you. I live up to my name. I heart your heart. And my life. And if you don't, I keep living a life under destaось. So here's what's on Tuesday for harsh news on Monday afterтoday! Reports of my successful papier-mache schedule over the weekend to which I'm at one moment pointless, well I know that, and at the same time losing it all over Sunday and a week into David's fire, hopefully working right into the same place and eventually encouraging it to start again.就可以 tired because it isoptry because I died nine out of four months. It is the moment of ruin that is not ratified me, or well now it's my last year and a thing I love to think that I will get out of it. But then I hoping for spiritual kava. What do you mean? It's like the spiritual like Appalachian Trail. I gotta be walking here. Like what? Right? But it is a path. These 12 steps are a way of life. They are a path. So it is a road of happy destiny. This is a way of life. And the way is of happy destiny. And it says, may God bless you and keep you until then. This power that can bless us, that can keep us. And I'm going to talk about that first paragraph. But when it says, may God bless you and keep you until then, where do I end up when I take that leap of faith? Well, where I end up is safely and securely in God's hands. And if you don't believe me, you can pop to page 100. It's one of my favorite promises in the book. And I was like, oh, I shouldn't. I feel like I overused page 100. But let's go to page 100, where it says, first full paragraph, both you and the new man must walk day by day. Which means that this is a daily thing. This is not a once in a while, once a week, once a month. This is a daily thing, these 12 steps, day by day in the path of spiritual progress. It is spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Not progress, not perfection. Because I might get the job back, the car back, the relationship back, the family back, but none of that had the power to keep me sober. How am I progressing spiritually? Spiritual growth is the name of the game. And it says, if you persist, remarkable things will happen. It says, when we look back, we realize the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. So when I take that leap of faith, I'm on the edge of that cliff. I can't see beyond that cloud of unknowing. Where do I end up? Safely and securely in God's hands. Better than anything we could have planned. That's what's available. So much more than just don't drink, because I couldn't do that. So going back to page 164, our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little, and there's a lot of humility in that to say, hey, you know, when this book was written, it was written 37, 38, published in 39, Bill Wilson had the most sobriety, and he had been sober just a couple of years. But what it's saying, is this idea that we know only a little. There is a true humility in that, a true humility. But what's our experience? Well, this is a book of mirrors. And if I hold up my lived experience to what is in this book, what I will find is my experience matches up, just as it did in the first step. When I held up my experience to the first step, to the allergy, to the obsession, I would say, that's me. And when I looked at the bedevilments and how I felt sober, that was me. When I looked at me stuck in me and in pain, that was me stuck in self. And as we go through the actions, I see the promises, and that is me. And so what we know is there is something here that works, that works. And it says God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. And in the paragraph above, it says God will determine that. You must remember that your real reliance is always upon him. So what is the purpose of this book? This book, man, it is not the treasure. It is the map. It is to get me out of me, get me out of that hopelessness and put me safely and securely in the hands of a loving higher power that I did not know, that I did not like, but one that I understand as the result of a course of action that is outlined in this book. So it is God, a higher power. Man, I get to rely on that. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. So it goes on to say, ask him. And any time in this book it says ask, that is a prayer. Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick, which, rude, it's telling me I got to have a morning meditation practice. So, man, it's not prayer and or meditation, which is rude. It is prayer and meditation. It is prayer and meditation. It is prayer and meditation. So I ask each morning, what can I do for the person who is still sick? What can I do for the alcoholic who is still suffering? What can I do for the human being who is in pain? And then I sit and I see what comes. And it says the answers will come. Did you know that there was a promise? It will come. I will. And one of the most sure signs of a spiritual awakening. Is the desire to go help somebody else. That's how we know. Which is not to say if you're here today and you're like, I actually really don't want to help people. That doesn't mean we don't. Oftentimes I got to work with others. I got to take them through the 12 steps before I see the power and the value in so doing. It says the answers will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. And you see that when we look at steps 10 and 11, often they're called the maintenance steps. Which I think undersells them. Because I don't know about you. There is nothing in my life I want to maintain. You know, nothing more exciting than an oil change. And this is the time of year where you got to get the winter tires. Like no, I don't want to maintain. I want growth. And here's my lived experience. Step 10 and step 11. Are growth steps. The more I lean into daily prayer, daily meditation, evening review. And utilizing the 10th step in the moment. The more that I practice the mechanisms of 4 through 9. The more I grow in experience. And my life depends on helping you. Does no good if I'm like, hey girl, you got to write some inventory. And then you're like, how? And I'm like, I don't know, figure it out. The more I take my inventory, the more I'm able to help you. The more I'm able to help you, the more I'm able to help somebody else. The more I make my amends, the more I'm able to help you with yours. And the more I'm able to help you with yours, the more I'm able to help somebody else. And so I work these 12 steps at first because I need to. At first because I have to. At first because my life depends on it. Then I do it because I love the life that I've been given. Those promises all throughout the book become true. I don't want to die. I want to be alive. Like who is this? Like that's not who I am. And then I do it because I see how much my life depends on helping you. I see how useful I get to be to you. To help those who could not find a way out. So it says, see to it that your relationship with him is right. And great events will come to pass for you and countless others. And I am big on this being a relational view of a power greater than myself. If that doesn't jive for you, just throw it out. Ignore me. But. Why I like the idea of a relational view. Is for those of you that are married. Or in a relationship. If you do not talk to your spouse or partner for a week. Are you going to feel very connected? Or is there going to be some trouble? If I don't. Now here's the real kicker. If I don't listen. Listen to my spouse or partner. I know. Listening years, Paige. Right. If I don't do that for like a week. Am I going to feel very connected? If there is an. You know, when you have those arguments. Where nobody's actually talking, but you can feel the tension in the air. Man. If I don't clear away the stuff that is blocking me. In that relationship, I'm not going to feel very connected. If we don't have experiences together. If I don't cultivate intimacy together. I'm not going to feel very connected. And a relationship is something that is built and deepens over time. And it is just like that with my relationship. I just don't want to talk about it. If I have to. I can argue with myself about myself. It also is a power of connection. Now, I'll say this to you. I have this, my relationship. I deal with a more nuclear. Love you. I deal with that with my relationship, with a power greater. And myself. I will, and can deepen it over time. There's, and this is what I was like. Hey, I might come back to it if I remember. I remembered. There's no glass ceiling. And I don't know about you. I couldn't say well on one drink. Not once did I sit down and have one drink and thought. Boy, that was sufficient. I'm good. All done. Thank you. No. And it's just like that for me with the spiritual experience. that for me with the spiritual experience. I couldn't stay well on one spiritual experience. I needed to continue to seek and to grow and to develop. And so it says, see to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. And how incredible is that? That I get to be somebody that gets to be a small part of the miracle of the lives of others, where my pain and my suffering has been giving meaning and purpose beyond anything I could have imagined, where it all gets used to help somebody who might not survive otherwise. That is powerful. And it says, this is the capital G, capital F, great fact for us. Not theory, not wish, not maybe. No, this is our lived reality. Those of us who have recovered this is what can happen. This is what does happen. And so what I will end on is the idea is if this experience has not happened for you, if you have not experienced what we're talking about in the last two paragraphs of page 164, what I want you to know is that our responsibility is to help you. Our life depends on it. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, it does not take long to get well. It does not take long to have a spiritual awakening. It does not take long to have this experience as it's outlined in this book. So please let us help you and may God bless you and keep you until then. Thank you for the opportunity to share.