Page 44 Told Me the Problem and the Solution in the Same Paragraph — Carla R.

Well, Jerry, thank you. Hi, everybody. My name's Carla, and I'm an alcoholic. I don't know about, I'd just like to stop right there and just take his word for it and go home, right? That was really nice. Hey, everybody. I'm glad to see you, and I want to thank my friends for coming, and God, particularly Lyle and Barbara. I've never had the pleasure of meeting Barbara in person, and that would have been a real treat, so it's good to see you guys anyway, even in the digital fashion. If you're new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. My sobriety date is September 25th, 1987. And if it wasn't working, I wouldn't be here. And all I have to say to you is that I'm not going to promise you it's going to be comfortable. I'm so glad they didn't promise me it was going to be comfortable. They just said it was going to be worth it, and I have to tell you, I believe that they were right. And I can't give a talk like this and not inject my opinion or things I've come to believe, but please remember that they're mine personally, and I'm not asking you to believe them. But I can only share the truth about what's happened for me. And a lot of this is going to sound the same to people because I can't change my story much, but I have changed my perspective of it, my perception of what's happened, and the load has lightened a lot over time. And so again, welcome if you're new. If you get comfortable with being uncomfortable, boy, that was really valuable. To me, it's the grow zone as far as I'm concerned. And what I mean by that is just, you know, I don't have to know everything. I just don't have to know everything in order to walk through it. I don't have to be, I don't have to not be afraid in order to walk through something. You know, that's what courage is, I've learned. And so, and, you know, I'm one of those people who started drinking at a very young age. I started experiencing consequences of my drinking. I started drinking at a very young age. And I know that that's not the case for everybody. Circumstance really has not much or if anything to do with alcoholism. And in fact, the best description of alcoholism I believe exists is on page 44 in our big book, where it says, if when you honestly want to find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking have little control over the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. Boom, there's the problem. If that be the case, you may be suffering from something from an, from an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer. Boom, there's a solution. And when we're talking about spiritual experience, you know, you can use a lot of different language to, to describe that. If you don't believe in God, it can be maybe it can be, it can be something deep down in your gut. It can be the way you feel high spirits, low spirits, whatever the doorway into Alcoholics Anonymous and into recovery from alcoholism. If you, if you step in and I'm, I'm so glad that I did. And there was a big amount of desperation for me when I got here and, and, you know, and, and all of that is different for everybody. But I guess my point is, it is that circumstances really don't matter. I've heard a lot of people this week, especially talk about, you know, trauma being the reason for alcoholism. But if that was true, then when the trauma was gone, the alcoholism, would be cured, you know, or if like, what about the people in AA who didn't really have that kind of trauma, you know, then how are they still alcoholic? So alcoholism is a thing all by itself. And conversely, in recovery, when I'm applying these spiritual principles to my life, these, these 36 principles in all, but first I had to recover personally. And those are the 12 steps when, when I applied those in my life, it really didn't matter. What circumstances came down the pike, I didn't have to drink. And that was a big surprise to me, you know, and that's real. And that's something we can take to the bank. I had to get sober in order to have anything else happen in my life. Alcoholism had blocked me from all sides. And so if I didn't get sober, I wouldn't, I just wouldn't be here today. I'm convinced of that. I know that there are people who lived, you know, who didn't come, who, alcoholism didn't really develop until much later in their life. They built and lost great empires and, and that just, you know, that, that they're here too, you know, so it wasn't circumstance. Anyway, I started young. I've always believed in a power greater than myself, something, something with a capital S that connects me with everything else and back and forth. And from all sides, something that informs all of life, what makes an apple tree, an apple tree. Bring apples every time. What makes a baby become a baby every single time. What informs all of life, something I've always been fascinated with the mystery, but when alcohol came along, man, it was just so much quicker than a prayer. It's, it seemed to solve, you know, what was aching in me so much quicker than, you know, show me your will for me. It just, you know, it just did. And, and so I took it. It was the great counterfeit. And, and for me. When I took a drink, it worked, you know, and I got to say again about this, you know, circumstances, I lived a childhood that was, you know, pretty fraught with a lot of sex abuse and, and violence and all of that kind of thing. Not everybody comes from that childhood and it doesn't really make that much difference in whether or not we want to recover. What happened to me is not my fault, but my responsibility to grow out of it is, is my risk or my recovery is my responsibility. And just for example, my father comes from a violently alcoholic home, but when that man takes a drink, it just doesn't do enough for him for him to get caught up in the whirlpool of alcohol, alcoholism. He just, it just doesn't do it for him, you know, so alcoholism still having lived with it from all sides, his parents, his daughters, you know, everything, it still baffles him because, because he just doesn't have it. So, so I, I just like to drive that home because when. When trouble comes and it will, when we get sober, whether we invite it or not, you know, we will navigate those sure troubles and left rough spots. If I have a design for living in place and I'm practicing these principles, I will get uncomfortable and I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll, and I'll hopefully grow into all those appropriate emotions, but I will not have to pick up a drink of, of alcohol to get the illusion that I'm solving my problem. And I, and I get a little, a little. Amused and entertained all these years later, it just hit me. I don't know, a few weeks ago that, you know, when we talk about how alcohol was working for us, you know, and in a sense from the inside, maybe it felt like it was working for us. But if you ask the people around you, I know I asked if I asked the people around me, they would not tell you that alcohol was working for me. You know, they would, they were trying to lock me up and they were concerned about me. So maybe that's your experience too. I left home at an early age and, and, and alcohol had become my, my, my king, my everything. I mean, it became my spirituality. It became my growing up muscle. It became the thing that made me feel buffered from you and the thing that made me feel connected to you all at the same time. Why wouldn't I drink it? And, and like I said, I left home at an early age and I still believe it was for me to leave home. And I ended up out on the street and, you know, I went to city. I went to jail and stuff like that for a while. And then I started going in longer juvenile hall and then a mental hospital and a rehab at the state hospital. And then eventually a girl's home and then out. So most of my adolescence was spent inside when I wasn't on the street. And before I went there, I was directly on the street. I, I found myself at the age of 14 and the, in the, on the streets in San Francisco in an area called the Tenderloin learning how to turn tricks to make a living. And. You know, well, you know, what, whatever you might think about sex or sex for money or any of that, you know, it, it's, it, that, that's sort of beside the point. The fact was that that wasn't what I'd been aiming for. It just wasn't on my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. And, and, but there I was nevertheless. And, you know, my alcoholic life had, had become the only normal one for me. And, and so I didn't learn much in the, in the hospitals. Or in the institutions. I just, I fought them and they didn't really seem to know what they were doing. I went over the wall a lot and, and there were a lot of funny, tragic things that happened. And when I left the girl's home, I ran away and I hooked up with a boyfriend from the, that I had met in the rehab. And I know some of you can identify with that. It's where they keep a lot of the partners and we hooked up and went off into happy destiny and, and just beat the crap. Out of each other up and down the California coast, you know, and I'm a kid who was, who grew up in the sixties. I mean, I believed in peace and love and all of that stuff. I love those people. They were, they, there was a power about those, that generation and, and all of that. And, and yet I, you know, I, I talked about wanting to be peaceful and I was stuck in the, would end up in these violent relationships and, and violent situations. And we ended up living in a tent in the mountains. In Southern Oregon. And, and then we found this old log cabin way on top of a mountain on the other side of town, five miles up and out, way out, way outside of town. And our spiritual advisor was the guy who lived up the hill in the plastic tent. You know, when we found this old log cabin that didn't have a roof and we threw a plastic tarp over the top and called it a skylight. And then the baby came and, you know, I thought having this little girl was going to change the way I drank. And we all know that alcoholism doesn't care. It doesn't matter who you love. It doesn't matter. Good circumstance, bad circumstance, trauma, no trauma, alcoholism. It's, it's a thing and it stands all by itself. And we were drinking homemade wine and moonshine because it was organic and much better for you. And still, you know, no change. And my daughter, I kept, I had had enough therapy to know that you, you got to break the cycle of parenting. You got to become the parent you never had. And, and, and, you know, by that time I was getting, my clothes and shoes and the necessities of life out of a box behind a store in town. And I thought I was going to be a better parent than the one I had because I was delusional. And my daughter got in the way of one of our fights when she was about 10 months old. So I had to take her up the road where it's got to be better somewhere else. And, you know, I just kept feeling like as long as I kept moving, hope was just up the road. And I was just any minute now it was going to be okay. And my first legitimate work was in the bar business and it never occurred to me not to drink on the job. Why else would you have? That job, it just seemed to me to be cosmically efficient. And my daughter was almost four years old when I ended up down here in Southern California, renting a room from my aunt in a little town called Covina. And I had gotten a job tending bar about 30 minutes away in Hollywood, not a bad job. It wasn't a dive. It was a great place to work. Great boss, great people, great customers, great money. Any healthy person. Could have made a great living doing what I was doing, but it was me. I was the common denominator. And like I said, my daughter was almost four years old and every afternoon I'd kiss her goodbye and I'd take off for the bar in Hollywood and I'd get thirsty on the way to the bar. So I'd stop at the bar on the way to the bar and I'd have a couple of shots of Cuervo and a couple of Bud vacs, you know, two drinks and alcoholic math. And then I'd get up off the bar stool and head out to Hollywood and go do my shift. And I did that every day, like clockwork for months, you know, until one afternoon I kissed my wife. I kissed my girl goodbye, like I had been doing. And I took off for the bar and where I was working and stopped at the bar on the way to the bar again, usual. And to this day, I don't know what was different on that day from the day before, except for 24 hours, because I took those same drinks and I didn't hate the job I was going to. I didn't have any stress or trauma or any dislike about where I needed to get going, like I had been doing for months before. But I couldn't get off. The bar stool, you know, the knowledge that I needed to get up off the bar stool and head out to Hollywood to a job I really like going to was just not enough to overcome the phenomenon of craving that happens once I start to drink. Nor was the knowledge that I needed to get up off the bar stool and and and go to work and then go home so that I could play with my little girl who was waiting up late that night to see her mom when when she got home so we could play a little bit and then get up in the morning and play again before I had to go to work. Just wasn't enough. Just wasn't enough to overcome the phenomenon of craving that happens once I start to drink. And if just don't drink would have worked, you'd have a different speaker tonight, just simply because by the by that time my alcoholism was so developed that that when I wasn't drinking, we're actually drinking it was all I could think about just where's the next street coming from when am I going to have it, you know, I couldn't go very long at all without it. And so I'm either drinking or thinking about drinking by that time and and. And that was that was the clincher for me. And so I sat on that bar stool that afternoon and I drank those drinks and and I lost the job and I lost the kid in one fell swoop. And I lived off the kindness of strangers there for for a little while until I fell into another job and another dive bar. And now the people and places I'm working and me, we're all becoming increasingly rustic. And I ended up marrying my drinking partner right about the time we should have split up. And I kept thinking maybe if I made my circumstances look like yours. Seemed to look maybe if I put it all back together, I could get the kid back. If we moved indoors for, you know, on a regular basis, maybe that would help. And all that happened was he and I became the neighborhood entertainment. We used to settle our arguments with a shotgun. Whoever got to the gun first won. That's how we did it. And and on and on and on. And, you know, every single day for about four and a half years, that's how long I didn't have my daughter with me every single day. I'd come to where I'd wake up. And I'd know that she was in a different place and that she was better off where she was. And I still couldn't stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking. And so, you know, it's kids don't kids couldn't get me sober. And and so, you know, it was it was just a lot of that black eyes, broken ribs. If he had not, I would not. All of that kind of talk. And and when my daughter was eight and a half, I got her back. I had put my life together. I had put my life together on the outside enough to where I was able to have her come home with us. And you'd think that a person like me would straighten up and fly right after all of that. Right. You know, can't she see that she's hurting everybody around her? And and so I got her back and I was going to I was going to do it right this time, you know. And and when I got her back, I had one job during the week, five days a week. And that was to get in the car in the afternoon and go drive 10 minutes in one direction and pick my daughter up from school and then bring her home. And that's all I had to do. And most days I made it just fine. But on this particular afternoon, I got in the car and I headed on over to her school and and on the way I got thirsty. And I know those are three words that send chills down the spine of any recovered alcoholic, because we know what that means when somebody has no no defense against that first drink, spiritual or otherwise. You know, we know what happens. I got a drink. So I pulled into the bar and I ordered up that drink and I started to drink. And I looked at my clock and I thought I got 45 minutes. I'm going to have this one and then I'm going to go get her. And, you know, meaning with all my heart, I would have still told you that she was the most important person in the world to me. And so I'm drinking this drink and I think, you know, I could probably have two. I got 30 minutes. I probably have time for for just two and then I'll go get her. And then somebody lines up the bar with empty shot glasses. So I'm going to have three and that's it. And then I'm going to go get her. And. Then I have four or five and six and now I'm late. And I finally, finally peel myself off the bar stool and I get in the car and I head on over to her school and now I'm drunk and I'm late. And I have to go into the front office because that's where they keep the kids whose parents can't get there in time. And as I walk into the front office. The best defense is an offense, so I'm mad at the staff because I'm late and I'm getting ready to give them what for. And as I go into the office, I trip over my own feet. And I go rolling across the floor of the office where my daughter attend school. And as I went rolling across the floor, I caught a glimpse of my daughter's face and the look in her eye as she watched her mother go rolling across the floor. And I felt that sense of powerlessness, you know, not the kind of powerlessness like, oh, my God, I've got to do something about this, but the kind of powerlessness like, oh, my God, I am never going to change. I am never going to change. I am always going to be like this. And the best thing I could do was to get up and grab her hand and get her out to the car before somebody called. The police like they were threatening to do. And another there was another little over a year of time after time after time, just like that, until one Saturday afternoon, my husband and I and my daughter were living in this tiny little place. And how the merit how we were still living together. I don't know. We were just limping along and and had one more of those fights where the cops are in the driveway one more time and the neighbors are watching us again and the guns out and the kids scared to death. And, you know, just again, again, not yet, but again. And the cops left. They took the gun. The husband left for the last time. And it's me and the kid in the booze. And I still couldn't stop drinking. And here's where a hard drinker might take a look at their life and say, you know, I'm really tired of this. A hard drinker might even have to go off to detox for a week or two, but they'd come back. They'd go back to work, have a story to tell. If somebody asked them and they move on with their life, that's a hard drinker. I've seen them do it. I saw them do it when I was working in the bars. They'd say things like. Oh, I couldn't control it. So I had to quit. And they order a Coke and then they go back to work. They leave the bar and go back to work. It's weird. And and yet I've seen them do it and they never have another thought about it. It just doesn't, you know, it just doesn't scratch that itch for them like it does for me. And but me, what I did was I just pulled the booze closer to the couch so I didn't have to keep getting up to get another drink because I drank through my circumstances. I drank through drug addiction. I drank through homelessness and I drank through the loss of my daughter. And I was getting ready to do it again. And my sponsor, my first sponsor, she suggested that if I wanted to affect a conscious contact with this power greater than myself somehow, you know, and I I had been playing around with the with the principles of synchronicity and all those things. And she said, why don't you just count the coincidences that have happened in your life? You know, those situations that seem to fall together for the good of everyone without you having your hands on a coincidence. And and and see and see how many times that things have just turned out well, you know, without you directing and guiding them. And the first thing I could think of was that I had moved in next door to a woman who had five years of sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous. Coincidence or not, I just love that it happened. This woman with five years had been sitting, you know, in the apartment next to me for that whole year. And she had seen and heard that whole deal go down that Saturday. And and and she had seen many times. Before, you know, but on this particular time, she waited a couple of days and then she came over and brought me a big book and a twelve and twelve. And and I invited her in and she just sat on my couch and told me her story. She didn't talk about what she saw me do or point her finger at me. She talked about her and her drinking. And in her story, I heard me in mine. And as she talked, I thought about the times that I'd run into her on the grounds to like out in the parking lot or in the laundry room. And she hadn't been drinking then either. And what really impressed me was it didn't seem to bother her. That she wasn't drinking. And that got my attention. Because all I knew by then is, you know, I didn't know exactly how to describe alcoholism, but I knew a little bit about booze by then. And I knew that I couldn't I knew that I couldn't control my drinking. I knew I couldn't guarantee if I was going to have two or twenty two. I knew that the window of relief had gotten really, really small for me. I also knew that I no longer had to invite trouble. It just seemed to come to visit unsolicited. Right. Just open. Open the front door. And there it is. You know, so I listened to this lady and and I wasn't sure that her twelve little thinly veiled Sunday school sentences were going to have any effect on me in the face of what I'd become. They just seemed a little weak. And, you know, I went back through my life and thought about all the times, you know, the programs and the and the hospitals and the, you know, the meds and no meds and all of the diagnoses and just all of that stuff. And I just didn't know what this if I was going to. Be able if it was going to be strong enough, you know, how was that going to happen? And and I didn't get sober that day. She left me and it was about a week and a half later. I just didn't go back and buy any more booze and exactly what I thought was going to happen happen. I sat in that little apartment and I got sick. I got sick and I I shook it into shook it out over that weekend and back into Monday and into Tuesday. And by Tuesday afternoon, I was stark raving sober and I found myself back on my neighbor's porch. I just one more little wormhole. By this time, I cooperated with and found myself standing on her porch asking her what to do. And this time when she told me to go up to this meeting in Sierra Madre, I found myself doing it. I found myself getting in the car and heading on up to that meeting. And that's willingness, you know, and I don't know. It's so funny when we talk about, you know, are you willing? I'm willing. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. You know, like if I'm doing what you just suggested I do or not do, then I'm probably willing. If I'm not. If I'm not doing it, then I'm not willing. It's just pretty clear. So I found myself doing it. I drove up to the meeting and sat way back by the open door and the exit sign just in case. And I heard that music of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, that happens that pre-meeting chatter that that's so, so beautiful. You know, it's just loud. And and Norm Alpe used to say, everybody's talking. Nobody's listening. You know, it was just but but they were, you know, they were listening. And people were asking each other about how they were doing and how their fourth step was coming. And if they had a sponsor yet. And do you have a big book? And would you like a cup of coffee? And do you need a ride home? You know, all of those things. And and then I heard something out of the blue that really moved me. I heard somebody say, hey, Joe, how's your lawn? And I thought, what? And and I thought, oh, my God. You know, and it was kind of Winchester Cathedral moment for me. You know, like, oh, my God. Could my life ever be. So elegant and simple as to be concerned about a lawn. Like talking small talk with Joe about your lawn. You know, my life had seemed so far removed from that. You know, I've been so much about hustling and scraping and holding on. Could it ever be just about sitting on the front porch on a Saturday afternoon smelling fresh cut grass? It just sounded like hope to me. I don't know why. You know, when I it reminds me of that line in the big book about where Bill says what seemed at first a flimsy read. Proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. And I got to tell you, in 35 years, the foundation of my existence is built based on flimsy read after flimsy read after flimsy read. Things that should have nothing in the world to do specifically or directly with sobriety have everything to do with it and everything to do with my soul, with what I call my soul. You know, language sometimes can separate us. But for me, I call it my soul. You know, this inner thing that that. That nobody can take and that and that deep down in the middle of all this disturbance, it speaks to me if I will, it will sit still and listen. And and so I felt it, you know, I felt it. And then at the end of the meeting, the secretary asked me to read something and I read. And as I read, I came into the room just a little bit more. And that was my first real experience in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Wasn't the first meeting, but it was my first real experience of being there, wanting to be there and needing to be there. And and and something clicking like that window of grace. Thankfully, it opened up again, again, because I think we get a few of them. But this time I was stepping through this time. I was doing something and I'm not somebody who thinks that we can just sit around and let God do it all. Maybe he has for you, but I have to cooperate with it. And and and this time I was and and I stayed very close in the beginning and meetings alone. Don't keep me sober. But they are where I learned about sponsorship and commitment and principles and and character and and abstinence for sure. You know, if I'm not abstinent, I've got nothing. You know, if I believe that in this, I'm a two folder, you know, I think everybody has spirit. So that doesn't make me alcoholic. Everybody can be spiritually sick. That doesn't make everybody alcoholic. But this allergy of the body combined for out for alcohol combined with this obsession. Allergy of the body for alcohol combined with the obsession of the mind to drink alcohol is it's it's a lock that that only an alcoholic can can nod their head at. And and that's and that's why we can help each other, because we know what it's like. And I'm I'm somebody who, you know, I have read that story over and over and over again about Dr. Silkworth telling Bill to stop preaching at people and just talk about how alcohol. Your relationship with alcohol. And that's what caught Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob had had, you know, just a wealth of spiritual information. But when he had the information about alcoholism, man, that was the key that unlocked the door. And and if if you didn't have a remedy for alcoholism here, I probably wouldn't be here. And and that's not to say that, again, that the spirit hasn't had something to do with it. Absolutely. My spirit was very, very sick. But. I had to be abstinent at the same time. And thank goodness when I get spiritually sick, I still don't have to drink. And what I know is that no matter how spiritually fit I get, I will still never be able to safely drink alcohol. So I need to know that that, yes, maybe that sounds like self-knowledge, but now I can put it into application, into practical application. You know, in the beginning, maybe not. But I just know that there'll never be a time when I'm so well that I can take out that I can drink alcohol in any form, meaning wine form or brandy form or mouthwash form or or, you know, like that. So anyway, I stayed very, very close and I had to drink one more time in eighty nine days and then I got to stay. I finished the drunk in about twenty four hours. And thank God my sponsor didn't say wrong answer. Too bad for you. You had your chance. She's she picked me up and took me to the big book study that night. And and thank God they didn't say that either. They said, hey, you want to come up and make coffee with us on Tuesday? And I thought, dang, somebody thinks I'm going to be here on Tuesday. So I I came on the days in between, too. And I stayed very close. And these these things like these little jobs that they gave me and in in the meetings, you know, dumping trash and stacking chairs and all of that. What does that have to do with sobriety? But. But but but it took me out of my mind for for a little while. It took me out of all those questions. I had all of those thoughts, all of those. I was safe for an hour and a half. And and then I could start to do that when when I left the meeting room, you know, and now all these years later, now that the steps have have taken internally and I have something inside me that's that's taken root and grown. I when the meeting doors closed behind me, I'm still good. If this God. If you will, I'll use that word is everything. Then there is nowhere I go where God is not. And that's but I'm not it's that's not to say that bad things aren't or things I don't like aren't going to happen. They certainly will. But but I can stay sober through them. And and so, you know, I made that first round of amends to my family at about nine months sober. And that's about the time that the obsession to drink for me was lifted. I know that's different for everybody. But for me, it was it was very, very. Real about that time. And and all of a sudden, the the obsession left for me. And and to this day, you know, still, there's not one member of my family who stand in the doorway and say, no, please don't go to the meeting. They never do that. And and as a result of the amends process, you know, and continued amends and continued example and persistence and consistence in my in my family, none of them ever has to worry about, don't I love them or why can't they find me or or, you know, where am I? They they. Just don't worry about that. And after after that, you know, other people started asking me to sponsor them. And I I know no better way to say this, but the only fifth step I like better than mine is yours. You know, in your eyes, I see forgivability and lovability and hope and growth where I don't always see it in myself. And you draw from me things I didn't know I needed to to share and you share with me things I didn't know I needed to hear. The people in my life are amazing. And I get to I have learned to sit and be quiet. And listen and hear what what who they are and and how in the world did I get to sit in their presence? You know, and and and you guys, I learned that here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And and again, I'm not somebody I don't believe that we're the only ones who knew spiritual principles. Bill Wilson just took spiritual principles, man, and he aimed right at alcoholism. He numbered them and said, boom, this has been working for them. Let's do this. And there's you know, there's a way big. Broader, you know, a lot more detail to the story than that. But that's basically it that, you know, we're what we do is we treat alcoholism with these spiritual principles. But lots of other people, there is a whole there's just an abundance of people who are not alcoholic, who are blessed and and beautiful and practice these spiritual principles. And and and they just didn't have to run their life into the ground to learn them. They just do them. And, you know, for one example. All the people who were so, so kind with their time and generous with their time to help us get on our feet, especially in the early days. Those non-alcoholics who helped run our board and and help us, you know, with the foundation and help us get meetings started, help put Bill and Bob together, you know, all of that. So anyway, I don't want to digress too far, but that's you know, that's what happened there. And after a couple of years, I had had you guys and my daughter didn't have anybody really. And and she. Was 11 years old and she was in trouble. She was drinking, using. She'd been jumped into a gang. She was in big trouble and she was 11. And so I I had to get her some bigger help and I put her in this treatment center and. And I didn't know if that was the right thing to do. I just didn't. You know, like we sometimes we just got to go on faith and I showed up when they asked me to and I stayed away when they asked me to. And she was in there for about six months. And that's where you guys reminded me that mountains are moved a spoonful at a time. And that phrase isn't in the big book. But we know what that means. You know, we stay in the now and and and do what's in front of me. And I don't I can't I can't afford to argue about about what's happening. I have to look at I have to look at it and deal with life as it is. And and it's turned out that that's my favorite place to be anyway. You know, I'm I my the best way I know to put it is that I've had a spiritual awakening sufficient to bring about a human experience. I've had a spiritual awakening. There's texture in my life and I know how to walk through it. There's nowhere else I'd rather be head in the clouds. Yes, but feet on the ground. I will always be fascinated with the mystery that we call God. You know, for me, step two was just maybe. And it's still, you know, maybe. Huh. Oh, look at that. You know, and I'm a big investigator and I try things on. And but and I have a good life, but I still it's not a requirement that I define or compromise. You know, it's just for me, it's a something with a capital S love, infinite power and love. And it comes in the form of kindness, courtesy, justice and love. That's what God looks like to me. So. So my daughter, it took from the time she was about 11 till she was about 23 for us to write that ship and and be able to come together. And I know it's different for everybody. As well, you know, nothing is promised to us. Whether or not she got better was none of my business, but it was for me to show up for her and I wanted to. And I think it's important that I say that even though I wanted to and I was all in, it was still hard. So we don't quit because it's hard. You know, we show up anyway. And so, you know, and I learned how to show up at work, you know, and for me, these, you know, working in the real world was was, you know, a little. It was a little frightening for me. I it wasn't where I how I grew up. I ended up in this, you know, in this corporate place. And just because I showed up, even though I was afraid and and I learned a lot and paid attention and did what what I heard you guys talking about doing. And when I was five years sober, I was raped by an intruder who came into my into my apartment in the middle of the night. He came in through the kitchen window and he had a knife and and he tied me up with a telephone cord and he raped me and he robbed me that night. And he was there for a few hours. And and at a strategic time, I got away for a minute and tried to get out the front door. But my bolt lock kept me stuck and I couldn't get out. So we ended up in a little altercation. And and instead of getting more angry after that, he dropped the knife and he went out the same window he came in. And it turned out that I knew this guy. I'd actually watched him get sober 30 days before I did and watched him get his life, his wife, his kids and everything back. And then I watched him join the church and leave a behind. And when he went out, that's what happened. And what I chose to learn from that is, well, the big book tells us to be quick to see where religious people are right to make use of what they offer. Absolutely. Alcoholics Anonymous is the place where I learned the terms and conditions of my alcoholism. It's where I learned that I'm not one of those people who can go home after a Sunday sermon and have a glass of wine or go to the church picnic and drink with them. I can't, you know. And and and what's even better is I don't even want to anymore. Like that obsession has been gone. I. I've heard it can return so far. It hasn't returned for me, but I also know what to do to keep safe. Now, I've I've listened to I've listened to the people who have said it's returned for them. Anyway, you know what I what I have what I have come to believe is that, you know, they don't teach any different spiritual principles out there, but but they teach them very generally. So anybody with a soul can walk in and practice them. But what we do here in Alcoholics Anonymous is we take. Spiritual principles and aim it right at alcoholism. That's what we do. Our single purpose here in this fellowship. And in that, that's how we were chosen, because we have that particular identification. One alcoholic talking to another. I don't know if there's anything more effective. So there was a trial that followed a few months later. And as part of the defense, they had a lot of the guys I'd known years before get up and testify as to who I used to be. And and so we had to get a character witness for me. And, you know, I can guarantee you when I first got to AA, you could not use the words Carla and good character in the same sentence. And and now here I am, you know, I'm working in this big, fancy investment firm downtown L.A., a place I never would have walked in the front doors of years before. And now, task by task and class by class, I'm walking right alongside some very accomplished people. And the division had their volunteer to come and be my character witness. And they told him all about who I used to be. And he said, well, I don't know about that. But she shows up early and she stays late. And she was where she said she was. And see, that's Alcoholics Anonymous speaking for itself. He didn't have to be coached. He just got up and told the truth as he had experienced it through me. And then it was my turn to testify. And by that time, you know, my sponsor and I had had a lot of talks and I'd done a bunch of 10 steps on this. And and and and especially that extended third column, you know, a lot of old ideas about what had happened. It's not always just the what has happened. It's a story I'm telling myself about what happened that needs to be looked at, you know, self-examination, prayer, meditation, always that unshakable foundation for life. And and, you know, the thing is, I want to I want to emphasize here that during this time, there was never a time where I thought, oh, a drink will make this better or I need to have a drink. Never during this time. The thought process was, how do I walk through this? What do I do now? How does this go? What do I do? What does this mean for me as a person? You know, all of those things. And anyway. So I know we talked about needing to forgive him, you know, that we're people who can't handle even seemingly justifiable resentments. And I know she's right at five years of sobriety. I don't even want a resentment like this. But fear, you know, like that at five years of sobriety, my my favorite response to it was still anger. And it's. Anger is power. And unless it becomes transformative, though, then it sits and becomes resentment. So it has to be addressed. But it's real. And, you know, emotional sobriety is about acknowledging what is. It's not avoiding emotions. It's just having them at the appropriate time. And and so at the time, I couldn't undo this all on my own. I I and I'm not a nugget prayer sayer, but the seven step prayer was was really. Really a good one for me at the time. It let me get from point A to point B and take care of business while this process was going on. And and and so by the time I'm sitting in the witness stand, I look out and and and I see him sitting at the defense table. And I realize, first off, that that's a place where I've sat before. And then, you know, as our inventory asks us to look at on page 67, you know, I I could sit there again. You know, I've sat there before. I could sit there again right in his very spot. And, you know, and haven't I been so out of control that I've roared through the lives of others like that proverbial tornado, just like him, though we didn't like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us. They, like ourselves, are spiritually sick. Haven't I been like him? Couldn't I again one day be like him? Am I right now somewhere in my life, stepping on the toes of my fellows and, you know, causing that kind of pain in someone's life? Am I? And, you know, to this day, that process in my 10 step, you know, that daily watching for these things, you know, how am I how is my behavior affecting others? Not that I shouldn't tell the truth or anything, but but to to tell the truth with with the anesthesia of love. If that if that be the case to, you know, not to set out to to harm to to try not to cause harm. Anyway, it had me looking at myself. And what happened in that courtroom that day, sitting in the witness stand was a forgiveness came. The forgiveness came and the healing took a while longer and the healing was a long process as well. And it took it took effort and focus on my part. I had to cooperate with that. And and and it has been rich and fulfilling. And I've been able to share that experience with a lot of different people. And, you know, one talking to another. And so the forgiveness came and he was sentenced to 20 years and he did 12 and then he did three. And as far as I know, he's not been able to stay out of prison. I'm not even sure he's still alive. But but I know that it works in prison. I I've had the privilege of carrying the message of a into every place I've ever been locked up and then into men's and women's prisons and and the county men and women's county jails here. And, you know, it works where it's worked. And we don't have the market cornered on on spirituality or spiritual experiences. But but in case you're not having one, try ours. It works. And the detective who worked the case came to me after it was over and he said, I don't know who you were back then. I'm not even sure I want to know. But whatever it is you're doing now, keep doing it because it seems to be working. And that's Alcoholics Anonymous speaking for itself. See, we didn't know it at the time. But the judge at we found out after the trial was over that the judge had been a long, sober, recovered alcoholic. And the court reporter was the Al-Anon mother of a woman in my home group. So the 12 step ferries had thoroughly dusted the room before we got there. And my sponsor was their sponsors, my dad, family, people from my home group. So I didn't have to walk through that alone if I didn't want to. And, you know, right after that, my dad got cancer. And he had I was the one he called. And, you know, the first 15 years of my sobriety were, you know, filled with a lot of drama, stuff I brought, stuff that happened. And and little by little, you know, rough and and however rough and ugly. I mean, I love when people say we try to do this with grace and dignity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we do. But sometimes grace and dignity just have to go right out the window. And I just got to do it right. It's not always going to be pretty. But they said I didn't have to. Always be pretty to come here, that I should come here no matter what and bring it to you. And not always to dump in a meeting. I don't mean that. But, you know, to have a sponsor, to have some close friends, close confidants, people, you know, that are in my corner and that I in theirs. And and to practice this 12 step. A lot of big jobs, little jobs, no jobs. You know, I'm 35 years sober. A lot of stuff has happened. I want to tell you, you know, my daughter, she put herself back through school. I'm running out of time. And, you know, she became a she got her master's degree and and ended up being a really effective, helpful person in the world at large. And and it's too beautiful. My two beautiful grandsons who are now 22 and 28 and they're making a difference in the world. They've grown up and they're beautiful young men. And my father is 88 years old now and he got cancer again. And I'm the one he called. You know, and and I married the love of my life when I was 21 years sober. And he likes you to know he was 22 already. But and he's going through some health health conditions right now. And we're in this in that, you know, in that limbo place, you know, it's and and we're just more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Right. We just with the I don't know how this is going to go. And but we know what love looks like and we know what it feels like. We know what love acts like. And I get. I get to experience a lot of that every day. And I don't I have never had to do this perfectly except to not drink, to stay abstinent is the only thing I've had to do perfectly. But I have had to be all in. You know, I've had to let the vicissitudes of life drive me in, not out. And, you know, my my amends have been made to my family. And, you know, I could go on and on about this all night. But I I do. I just want to remind you that that if you're new, that, you know, it's it's not always going to be comfortable or pretty or any of that, but it is going to be worth it. Boy, it has been worth it for me. And. And it works. It really does. Thanks for letting me share.