Page 33 Said Young Drinkers Wouldn’t Want to Stop — Took Three Psych Wards Before I Did – Brandon S.

AA meeting. My name is Melissa and I am an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday 8 p.m. Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABRA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they established their relationship with God. This gives a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-rebellion accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org will hear our speaker and will believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that we can any of us shall be persuaded to say yes, I am one of them too, unless I have this thing. I've just yet to met this young man. Looking forward to hearing his story. Tonight's speaker is Brandon S. from the East Beaufort Group. My name is Brandon. I'm an alcoholic. Glad to be here. I needed to do something like this. So I'm going to try and do my best to say what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. As a kid, I mean, I had a pretty good childhood. I mean, I don't have any complaints really. Yeah, I wasn't perfect and issues up until a lot of music. I'm a musician and I was pretty obsessed with that for most of my childhood and early adolescence. And so yeah, I think I was pretty serious about that and obsessive. That was like my first addictive addiction, for sure. And definitely helped me escape a lot of things. And but yeah, I remember writing to a piano teacher and weird stuff about myself after that experience. So, you know, I went through high school, most of high school without ever any kind of drug. And I kind of just threw myself into music and played more and practiced all day. And just tried to be the best I could be and perfected that, hoping that I would make myself feel better in the long run. And you know, my junior year injured, actually, hurt my hands and I had to stop playing. And yeah, I remember I wasn't really sure what to do with myself at that point. All my friends I played music with, so I surely didn't have any friends to hang out with because they were all gigging and having fun. And, you know, I've had some friends that had dipped their toes in drinking and smoking pot. I always had a little bit of interest in that. It just seemed kind of cool. And, you know, the whole musician thing. Like a lot of them do that kind of stuff. So I thought that would be a good chance for me to maybe explore some of that. So, I mean, I definitely know there's like some depression, anxiety in high school. To, you know, to a certain substance shortly before I started drinking alcohol. And yeah, I remember it pretty quickly. And that's my new thing for sure. And shortly after that, I found my first actually introduced him to this new green leaf that I've found. And he had a bottle and he gave me some of that. And that was really nice, you know, going down. And yeah, it is. Yeah. So I just kind of chased that, you know. For me, the disease progressed pretty, pretty damn, pretty, pretty quick. Having those to do that as much as possible. It helped me go to sleep. It helped me wake up. It just helped me, what I thought was, which for that, I mean, that didn't, I don't think I really functioned. I could lie and tell myself from the beginning, I functioned okay, but yeah, not. I was a senior in high school. I was doing that every day in school. I started doing some other stuff to kind of afford my habit and make some money. And I got pretty involved. Yeah, so I just, I kept doing that. Things progressed. And I lived with my parents. And the first time they found out everything that I was doing, they weren't okay with it. So they made one of those ultimatums. Drinking and using what you're using. So sneaking into houses where I could keep drinking and using. And yeah, so I kept getting in trouble in school. Kicked out like a week before graduation because I got caught up in the school. I was doing the illegal stuff. That skyrocketed a lot of things. And my girlfriend at the time broke. Yeah, so that definitely catapulted me. That summer after places, I'd been doing business with some pretty rough people. I don't understand how I got stuck with them. Super downhill drinking. And one day, it got to the point where I had slept in a few days and was doing a lot of crazy things. Making a lot of terroristic threats. That was a trend for me in my sobriety. Or in my, not sobriety, in my using. And in my drinking. But yeah, that was a trend in my drinking was calling people on the phone to tell them that I was going to go kill them. So, not a great look. So, yeah, so eventually, you know, my roommates that I was with at the time were kind of tired of that because it was bringing a lot of tension to what we were doing at the house. So they started... They kidnapped me and brought me to Northside Hospital. This was my second visit to the – been there before, but it wasn't as – they strapped me down to the table, and at some point I woke up, and I was in Ridgeview and was there for a few weeks in the psych ward. And, yeah, I was interesting. But eventually I convinced them that I was okay enough for them to release me, I guess. And so, yeah, for maybe three weeks of being there, they let me out. And my family, I'm like, okay, I'll quit, and I'll stop. And I stopped for a while, and I moved in with my sister and lived with them for a while. I started going to meetings, and I got a sponsor and issues with children I didn't think I had an issue with. So in my head I was like, you know, I'll just get sober and clean. I'll sleep for a while, and then I'll be okay, right? Just get parents off my back, you know, get them so they're not super suspicious, and then I'll do my thing. And I got a sponsor, and I went through a good amount of steps. I would leave right after the meeting, and I'd just talk to him. And, yeah, I was pretty lonely. So I did that for about six or seven months. Would just call him. But, yeah, I guess. I got to the ninth step, and at this point I had started playing music again. My hand issues weren't as bad, so. And I started reaching out to old friends. Yeah, one night after a gig, you can come, man, if you want. We know you're, like, coming off all that stuff. And, like, you don't have to come because we're going to be drinking. It's totally understandable. You don't have to come. And I was like, no, I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I won't drink. And then we went to Waffle House before the party. And by the time I got from Waffle House, I convinced myself. That I could just have one drink. And I was like, yeah, I'm just going to have one drink. It's all good. I'm not an alcoholic. It'll be fine. And my friends were like, okay, all right. If you think you can do that, sure. That's fine. It's cool. They don't know. I mean, I had that drink. And I had another one. And it was leftovers. Like, since I've been sober, and since I came back in, like, I remember, like, going into that situation, really believing in my heart that I was just going to have one. Like, I really thought that that was what was going to happen. And just as soon as I had that first one, it's like off to the races, you know? It's like I can't control it. I don't know what's going to happen when I drink. It's scary, really. I really don't know what's going to happen. And so that, you know, that for me is a big reminder. Like, I just don't know. And, yeah, and any time I did try to control it, which I did. There was a few times I tried to control it, and I could have one or two. One or two drinks. Sometimes it's almost worse than having no drinks. It's terrible. I just don't get how. I see, like, my sister and Norm. I have Normie friends, and they'll take a drink or half a drink, and they'll just let it sit on the table. And I'm like, I don't. It just doesn't make sense to me. That's just not. It doesn't comprehend. But, yeah, so I did that. And a few weeks later, I was starting to do the other half of the substances that I thought I could do. And I started drinking as much as I could. And, yeah, and I just started doing that. I thought I was okay for a while. You know, I went back, and I got my high school diploma. I went through, like, an alternative school. And, God, GSU let me go to their school. Surprisingly, like, I had to write a letter and everything because all the stuff in my high school record. But they let me in, so I started going. I went to college, and I was there for, like, a month. And, yeah. Yeah, I was like, man, I'm really, I'm doing it. Like, I'm really managing all this stuff. And I don't know. It just seemed like a few weeks before I got sober, everything just kind of went downhill. And, yeah, I was playing this gig in Norcross, like, twice a week. And I started to notice that my drinking was affecting my playing because I heard some recordings. And I was like, ooh, that does not sound good. So I decided to stop drinking. And that was really hard. And that was about three weeks before I got sober. And so then I just started relying on the other stuff. And at some point, that stuff, it just did not work. To earn my meds for that. And I started going pretty crazy the last week. And I was at work. It involved a knife. A kitchen knife. So that wasn't a good look. And I ended up, yeah. And I called the restaurant owner. Like, they were telling me I had to go home and that I needed to chill out. And the restaurant owner was in the program. And I called him and said all this shit about how he needed to call his sponsor or something like that. But, yeah. Anyway, I ended up at a friend's house. Just crazy as hell. And my brother-in-law picked me up and brought me home. And I stayed up all night. The day's still up. All this stuff happened. I thought my sister was trying to kill me. And I, like, blockaded everyone screaming. And I think I was a little concerned. So the cops came and actually ran towards the cops. I was really excited they were there for some reason. I don't know why. But I think it was obvious to the cop that I was a little too excited he was there. And he called Angelic. And Angelic. And the ambulance took me back to the ward. So that was fun. But, yeah. So eventually, you know, the first night once I woke up from all the... I don't remember that metaphor. Yeah, once I woke up from that, she was like, man, you find out some other people in the ward. Like, that guy comes in, like, every week. Like, you're going to end up like him. I guarantee you if you don't get your shit together. And from my medic stuff, so they have booty juice. I'm thinking about it. I'm like, man, like, this is... This is not normal. Like, it's been... This is the third time I'm here in the last two years. It's just... None of my friends... This hasn't happened to anybody else around me. During two, and this has not happened to them. Like, there's something wrong here. I think I need to go back to AA when I get out. And, you know, I think I have 72 hours. They only... I guess that's progress. I don't know. But, yeah, they let me out. I walked with people for, like, the first two weeks. And I went to meetings. And people drove. I went to meetings. And I walked to meetings. And, yeah, my sister didn't... They didn't really want me over. And my parents were pretty upset. And after two weeks, you know, my dad called me. He said, hey, if you go to treatment one more time, you know, we'll pay for it. And you can stay with us until you find a place while you're in treatment. So I did that. And did the rehab thing again. But I started going to meetings. I ended up going to Halfway House. And, yeah, about two or three months into sobriety. And that... Oh, yeah. So, yeah, my sobriety date is September 18th, 2018. So 2018, I had a few months of sobriety. And I was in the Halfway House. And I was going to meetings a little bit. But I still wasn't really much besides going to meetings and relationships. And eventually, I just, like... I cut that off. And I just got to this point. I'm laying on my bed. And I'm depressed and just so unhappy. Until I came to go back and, like, to do the sobriety thing. I started taking the suggestions and doing the things that everyone keeps talking about. Because everyone in the AA team just... Not everyone, but people that have been sober for a while. So it's got to be... It's got to be possible. So from the first time. And I had seen his truck at 811. I didn't see him. So I called him. I said, yeah, I would do this men's book study. In the basement. And I went down to that. And that's where I met my... When I got sober. He was at that meeting. Some good AA guys. And I was going to ask one of them to sponsor me. But the guy that I ended up sponsoring. He called me, like, the next day. So I just asked him. Because I didn't want to wait around. And so, you know, he told me to call him every day. Go through the book. So he said a day. A day, vividly. Picked me up in his truck. And it's right here. And I was like, okay. And then he continued to drive to this river. And we sat by this river. And we talked for like an hour. But I remember he was just like, you know, I know who you worked with last time. I know your sponsor. We talked. He's like, he told me you're a pretty shady guy. And I know, like, about the pot using and the drinking. And he's like, okay. And he's like, if you're going to work with me. Like, you've got to be done with that shit. And if you're not done, then there's no point of us fucking going through the steps. And, you know, I took that to heart. And I was like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. So, yeah, I guess, like, my first step when I came in. And we started going through the book and through the steps. And, you know, one, two, three, punch. The way that we did it. And said the third step prayer with my first sponsor. Or if we did something like that or not. I think we just prayed when we got to that chapter. But we went through four or five, two weeks to do that. And he said, yeah, just write as much as you can. Just get everything out. And just get it done. And so that's what I did. I just sat down and I just wrote until I couldn't think of anything else. And after two weeks, he's like, are you ready? And I was like, I think so. And I was like, I can't think of anything else. And he's like, well, then, let's do it. So, we did the fifth step. And it was really good. And, yeah, after that, I remember hearing people in meetings with, like, these long, like, compare myself. Because mine wasn't that long. And just get up in my head about it. Compare myself. And at this point, Tuesday, Friday, I probably got about that much pages combined from before I came in and since I've been sober. So, but, yeah. So, we did that. And, you know, six and seven, went through that. I mean, I'll just lay down the book. That was so good to do that process with somebody. Because he just showed me how to go about it. He said, B's, you need to do it right now. B's, that was my piano teacher that, you know, took advantage of me. So, that's a good sponsor, I think. You know, somebody that can, you know, show you what you need to do. Someone's got a lot of experience. So, but, yeah. So, did that. And, yeah, I had a lot of good nine-step experiences. I don't think it was until I started doing my men's that I really started to feel any kind of connection with God. You know, before that, I was doing it because that's what people said to do. But, yeah, I remember being at the kitchen right before I came in and asking if I could meet with him one-on-one and the kitchen manager who I thread in. And, yeah. And he said, yeah, you can come in. We can talk. And right before I headed in, headed over there, he was like, hey, the kitchen guy doesn't want to talk to you. Yeah, he doesn't want to talk to you. I was like, that's okay. Can I still talk to you? And he said, yeah. So, I went there and, you know, I made men's to him the way that my sponsor showed me how to. You know, I'd try to look them in the eye and say, you know, say I'm sorry. Just because I'd said that so much. I know some people that do, and that's okay. That's just not how I do it personally. So, yeah. So, I went up to him and, you know, I said I was wrong for doing all those things that I did and for saying this to you and calling you up and taking up your inventory. And I told him all the stuff I was doing. You know, I was able to look him in the eye and make that right. I think that's so important, you know, to do those in person. And they're so powerful and just a lot of healing that comes from that. But, yeah. So, we did that and that was really good. And he asked the guy to come out. Or he said, he told me, let me see if I can get the kitchen guy to come out. And the kitchen guy came out and he looked, I mean, he looked a little sketched out, which is understandable. But I got to make amends to him and, you know, look him in the eye. And, you know, make that right with him. And, you know, we both kind of teared up. And he gave me a hug and he forgave me. He left and the manager, you know, told me before I left, he's like, you know, I've known that guy for like six or seven years and I've never seen him like that. Like, that meant a lot. And so, that was definitely, I went out of my car. There is a God. And, you know, I felt that connection. It was like, I think this is going to work. Really, for me, where I really started to feel that. And using, think of the obsession as I was thinking about it, that cycle. And still today, it's not the obsession. So, that's cool. I mean, that's definitely the biggest gift out of many gifts that I've gotten from AA. That's the biggest one. Being finally released from that. That shit sucks. That's terrible. God. That is just, that's hell, right? But, um. 11 and 12, you know, I have to do. I've got to watch for my, I've got to watch my thought life. And I've got to catch when things are, when my thoughts are going towards not so good places. And when I do slip up and do something that I regret, I've got to make that right, you know, every day. To maintain my condition and to grow, you know. Those steps are growth and maintenance steps, you know. They're both. They're both for me. Continue to do that. And 11, you know, waking up. Still do that every day. And I try to pray. Say a lot of the big book prayers. You know, third step prayer. Prayer of serenity prayer. And a lot of times, the big days, I just talk. And, you know, just ask God. I can trust Him more. I try to say that throughout the day, too. You know, developing that, of course, my sobriety and what my conception of that thing, when I came in. It's different than it is now. And, you know, I'm really happy for good sponsorship. My sponsor told me, you know, it's nobody's business what your higher power is. You know, just find something that works for you and, you know, pursue it and grow. And I think that's really important, you know. I try not to tell anybody what they should or should not believe. You know, it's all our own. Since I've been in sobriety, there's a lot of good things and a lot of things to, but, yeah, so, there's a few good things. Like, through the sobriety, I started getting interested in, like, traveling and road tripping. And I, like, went on my first, like, solo road trip in, like, two years of sobriety. And that was really cool. I started getting interested in things. And I decided to, I got really interested in, like, cultures and languages. And I started going back to college for that. And so, I've been able to go to college and get back to that and pursue different interests. I've been able to do that without opportunities to come from that. Total blessing. I'm way better with my family now. The first couple of years was I had to do a lot of inventory. Like, my dad, I had to, like, order somebody. And he had me do all these. Because I moved in back, actually moved back in with my parents when I was, like, two years sober. And that's when I started going back to college, too. So, that was, like, a huge adjustment. Trying to figure out how to live with them. A teacher that talks about, like, if you think that you're spiritual and super calm and peaceful, go spend a weekend with your parents and see how you can get up to that. So, yeah, I've been kind of living that the past four years. But, yeah, so, yeah, it was definitely an adjustment. But I really tried to apply the things that he taught me about that. He told me to, you know, just. Just find ways to spend time with them and just be nice. Be nice. And I tried to find ways of being in service to them. You know, I just tried to be the best house guest possible. I tried to clean up, like, really well. Even if I. Because they're OCD as hell. So, I just tried to, you know, serve and just do whatever I can to be helpful. And, like, my dad, like, likes to tell these really. Bad jokes. And I used to just make fun of them all the time for it and be an asshole. So, and that in itself did a lot, actually. And I used to connect, relationship a lot. Sometimes he makes jokes and I actually think they're kind of funny. But, yeah, get along with things are so, are so important. You know, the principles before personalities, you know. I mean. My parents, we don't. It's the opposite. Like, we don't see eye to eye at all. And, but I found a way to connect with them and find other ways to, you know, be of service and be, have a relationship with them. And we get along today, you know. And that goes for, like, my whole family. You know, we, you know, take those issues out. You know, it's really helped me a lot. You know, grow my relationships with family and people outside. So, yeah. So, that's, that's been helpful. Cool. And, yeah, I've been able to do, like, other cool stuff. Like, I went, I went to Ecuador a few years ago and studied there for the thing in the club incident. So, dancing in the club sober, definitely possible and a lot of fun. Once you're ready for that. So, I mean, that's, I mean, that, it's, it's cool. Like, you know, once that session left and, you know, the, you know, being released from that. But, you know, I've been able to, you know, be careful and be mindful where my head's at. And I've got to make sure I'm in good spiritual condition before I do certain things. But, yeah, I mean, there's no, there's no limit. So, it was awesome. I ended up in the hospital. That was, that was cool. Yeah, I mean, they really took care of me there. I mean, it was, it was cool. And I, I was at peace the whole time I was there. And I had a great experience, you know. I think if that happened when I was younger, when I was still drinking, I would have just found all the negatives in that situation. But, I mean, I missed out on a few things. But, it was cool. I was an expert, you know. Yeah, I've been out there for a few months studying. Like, two years ago, I had some kind of hard stuff. I was, like, working a lot. And, uh, was, like, doing this intense sales job and working, like, 70, 80 hours a week. And, uh, and just wasn't taking care of myself. And, uh, I ended up in a psych ward in sobriety. And I checked myself in there. And, uh, you know, I had to go through. I just said, take some action. And, uh, the sponsor that had been with me had moved. Um, so I was with a new sponsor at this point. And, um, that was character defects that had popped up. And, uh, the speaker tape talked about it. Really sees himself as a thing to me so hard. My hands on however I can make this thing perfect. And if it's not perfect, it's not good enough. Um, so, that came out in that fourth step. On to, because, a sales job. And I had left my parents' house. And I didn't, I didn't want to go back. And, uh. Thought it would be a good idea. Suicide sounded like a better idea than, than going and just admitting that I'd failed. Um, so I'd look at. And, um, you know, I was like, why is that so important? Um, so that was, that was good. And, uh, you know, I had all this stuff. This bullshit health issues. Like, I do this. Why this? Blah, blah, blah. And, uh, yeah, a lot of that stuff came out in the fourth step. And, um, you know, now through that process. I've realized, you know, yeah, these are realities about who I am. But I'm able to help people because of it now. And help somebody else that's an alcoholic. Uh, when I'm working with somebody new, um, in the program that has health, you know. I'm like, hey, like, I've got that too. But I'll care for myself. I do this, this, and this. And, like, you know, I'm, I'm okay most days, you know. Um, so it's really, um, that has kind of flipped. You know, I'm not, it's really a blessing. Um, and, uh. Yeah, the professionism stuff, yeah. The last year or two, that has been the, um, that has been, like, my cross-severer, I guess. Because, like, um, learning to speak another language and being, um, and, uh, and speaking that second language. I mean, you just have to find some acceptance at some point. That you're not going to speak correctly all the time. Like, that's, that's just been, like, a tool lately that I've, I've just, like. I've just got to be okay without being perfect. And that's, that's really been a huge teacher in my life. Um, you know, saying stuff that sounds ridiculous. And getting laughed at. And being like, eh, it's okay. And just keep going. And, uh, yeah, I think that's really helped me a lot with, with that stuff. But, um, um, yeah, it's something I still have to continue looking out for. And, uh, I feel like I'm, I'm doing a little better about it, uh, these days. Um, but, uh, yeah, and then, um. I guess, like, when I got, like, one or two minutes left. Awesome experience. I'm really grateful for it. It changed a lot. And I got to go to meetings in Spain, too. And that was really cool. It's now there on my AA directory. And, uh, that was cool. Um, and I've been trying to hit Spanish-speaking meetings since I've been in the U.S., too. To try to, um, just build that community as well. Um, but that was really cool. And I'm still kind of dealing with that. And, uh, dealing with all the feelings. And that new, uh, I guess, stage. Right now, I've grown, hopefully. Hopefully, there's some growth. There was no crazy fights or anything like me. Because in the past, it would not be cool at all. So, uh, so, yeah. AA has definitely given me some cool, uh, tools to work with. Um. And, uh, you know, sometimes it's not. Things don't work out. And it's not personal, you know. Um, it's just like, you know, that's a big thing I've learned. Um, sleeping sober is not everything so personal, you know. Um. Just learning to not beat my, myself up too much. And, uh, my, my life sponsor, last time I went through the steps, um, he had me do this prayer that I try to say, um, most days. Uh, I kind of stopped for a while. But I'm trying to do it again. Um. It's like, God loves you. God made you this way. He loves you. You're not your own. And I try to repeat that to myself a lot. Um. Because, um, I need that, you know. Um. And some mirror work helps, too, you know. I'm going to close. So, um. I just wanted to. Maybe read something out of the book. Um. Oh, yeah. One, one more thing. Um. I've been doing service work, too. Uh, lately. And that's been cool. Like, uh. I, like, took the GSR position for my group. And so now I'm, like, learning about all that stuff. Um. So that's, like, another layer that's been really cool. And service work. I mean, that's, like, just a great way, um, to stay involved. And, like, you know, service work keeps you sober. So. Even though I'm not feeling great. Ha, ha, ha. In those days. Uh. The last few weeks. Uh. Yeah. I don't. I'm not feeling great most days. But, uh. I try to stay active in calling people. And I'm trying to. Try to be the best, uh, servant, I guess, I can. And, um. Doing that combined with prayer. And hoping that'll get me to the other side. Yeah. I just want to read something real quick. And I'll close it out. It says. This is page 33. About more. More about alcoholism. Um. It says. Young people may be encouraged by this man's experience to think that they can stop. I don't know. What's he doing? On their own willpower. We doubt if many of them can do it. Because none. Will really want to stop. And hardly one of them. Because of the peculiar mental twist already acquired. Will find you can win out. Several of our crowd. Men of 30 or less. Have been drinking only a few years. But they found themselves as helpless as those who have been drinking 20 years. To be gravely affected. One does not necessarily have to drink. A long time. Nor take the quantities. Some of us have. Um. Certain. Certain drinkers. Who have been drinking. To be gravely insulted. If called alcoholics. Are astonished. At their inability to stop. We who are familiar with the symptoms. See large numbers of potential alcoholics. Young people everywhere. And when I read that. Coming in. As somebody young. So I just wanted to find. All the differences. Thank you once again. Brandon. For your story. It was very inspirational for me. And I heard a lot of the. Similarities in my story. And your story. Piper. Would you like to come out. And give the chips. Please. Hi. My name is Piper. I'm a garden variety alcoholic. Hey Piper. In this system. We have chips. To mark your time. In sobriety. Kind of helps you. Remember. Where you're at. And thankful for the days. That you've had already. And more to look forward to. This white chip. Is for. A lot of people say. 24 hours. But honestly. Even if you have alcohol. In your breath right now. And you're deciding. That. You want. What we have. And are. Willing to start. Taking the steps. I would come. And get this. Now. Silver chip. For 30 days. Gold. For 60 days. Two months. 90 days.