Outstanding Amends as Spiritual Dead Weight — You Cannot Be Present While Carrying the Past – Peter M.

I'm begging for silence.
Someone just went, shh, and everyone be quiet.
I want what you got.
My name is Peter.
I'm a recovered alcoholic.
And grateful to be here and glad you guys are still here.
This right now, I will tell you, is the toughest part of the workshop
because it's after lunch and it's 2.30, and usually it's nap time.
And so I thank you guys for coming back and hanging in there with us to do this deal.
And we're going to talk a little bit about 8-9, maybe some 6-7 stuff.
And we'll take a little break.
Dan's going to make an announcement or two,
and we'll have some time for Q&A after this session
if you guys have any questions about the body of work we've done so far.
So some of the current things I'm working with, along with prayer and meditation,
a lot of books, a big book talks about be quick to see where religious people write,
make use of what they offer that we may find inspirational books,
to work along with, not instead of.
And I've taken lots of different things into my prayer and meditation practice.
And currently I'm working with, and I'm not reading,
but working with a few different books.
And I've had neat experiences with books and meditation books.
You know those books that have like a prayer for the day,
and you kind of set your day up like that.
This one book I worked with for quite some time,
and I always like to share a piece that came out of this that was very helpful for me.
And I would read this and sit with it in a meditation night, probably for about six months.
And it says,
It says,
And it kind of goes along with what I was sharing about earlier,
about presence and having a life of invitation,
being mindful of the moment from moment to moment to moment without duality.
Went to lunch and come here.
Was lunch one person and the podium person two different people?
You know, get back to the hotel, what's that look like?
Get to the airport, what that looks like?
You know, when customers want to go through all your luggage, how are you then?
You know, but mindful of the moment.
It's real easy.
When I travel to get attached to, I've got to get there.
I'm here now, but I've got to get there.
Like when you're in traffic, I'm here and I've got to get there.
And you're fighting, you know, in your mind, you're crawling over people to get there.
And with this, very often, you know, and I'm in a ticket line or the customs line
and usually getting pulled out of line, excuse me, you, come over here.
I was telling Dave about that in London.
There was like 200 people in the customs thing, and I'm trying to be a real good American citizen,
and he said, you, over here.
I think it was that.
Must have alcoholic across my forehead.
But mindful of the moment and grateful for breath.
We get to experience this.
Right now is a new moment we've never experienced before, right now.
It's a new now.
And so is this moment.
And so is this one.
And it's so easy to get caught up in, well, it's 2.30, and we're planning later on,
and the traffic we may catch home, and tomorrow morning, and Monday's back at work,
and I hate my boss, and the secretary just died.
Boy, oh, boy, I've got to fire her.
What about the kids that have to go to soccer practice?
And it's Saturday at 2.30, and we're into Wednesday now.
Right?
But just be here.
And each moment we get to experience the mindfulness.
The mindfulness of each moment.
That makes life a really neat way to go.
And that doesn't mean we avoid planning.
We plan.
I plan out my calendar.
Someone like Dan calls, hey, can you come here to speak?
I don't just say, yeah, I need to look, make sure I don't overbook,
and make sure there's no family things going on.
Sometimes I have to reschedule things, right?
Myers is going to be with his brother Chris up in Boston in November,
and I was going to do that, and I planned that out.
And then a family.
The deal came up, and I had to replan.
That's what we plan, right?
But no attachments.
The same thing with this journey.
We can get easily attached to what the journey looks like,
how it's going to feel, how I'm going to be,
what I'm going to sound like, what it's going to look like.
And we get consumed with attachment to an outcome rather than right now.
We get consumed with attachment to an outcome.
And the mind and the ego demands to know what that's going to look like.
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
Right?
The mind and the ego demands is to have God on a spreadsheet.
Two and two is four.
That's God.
Got it.
See you later.
I got God.
Figured it out.
In our book it says it's about comprehending and defining God.
Well, we can't.
We just experience it.
So just be with the book.
When we're going through the steps and, you know, how's it going to be?
Where am I going to go?
What's going to happen to me?
None of our business.
Just be with the book.
It will be sacred wherever we land.
Just be with the book.
And detach from the thinking mind.
Here's something I sat with.
No mind, N-O-W, I mean N-O, not K-N-O-W, no mind, equals, gives me total presence, which gives me peace.
Now the ego gets in the way and says, well, I can't listen to that.
I need to know what it's going to look like.
And we go into fear because we can't put God on a spreadsheet.
And someone gave me this, my sponsor, what I don't know I fear and what I fear I dislike.
Oh, you're in the big book?
I never did the big book before, but I'm going to give Danny an opinion on an experience I never had.
Those big book people, those non-big book people, those step workers, those non-step workers,
I'm going to give an opinion on something I don't have an experience with because what I don't know I fear.
And what I fear I dislike and sometimes hate.
And I'll go to war with you.
And I'll conceptualize everything, including God, because I can't get it.
And the dis-ease and discomfort is within me, no one else.
Meyer's talking about 6 and 7 and the great change he experienced in that.
The great change we experienced not only in 6 and 7, which those two steps point to,
but the change we experienced going through this work.
And for some of us, change is a little scary.
But there's greater pain in not changing.
It's in the change itself.
We're experiencing a huge, spectacular upheaval, and right away we hold on to what we used to know,
no matter how discomforting it is.
But there's greater pain in no change than in the change itself.
And what I need to know is God's pulling me through that change.
If I'm on this plant, God does the growing.
Doctors operate, God does the healing.
I suit up and show up to the altar with a spirit of willingness,
and God will do the changing and move me through that.
I need to get clear of that.
And if I don't have a...
If my sponsor is clear of that, I'll never get clear of it.
But a good teacher, sponsor, will give me this information based on their own experiences also
and say, hey, this is where you're moving.
Where are you going to land?
I don't know.
But this is my experience with this.
I had an experience with 6 and 7, second or third time through the work.
And I had just finished my fifth step, sat in our quiet time.
Thank God from the bottom of my heart that I knew them better.
I answered the questions.
And one of the assignments I get to do with 6 and 7 is I get an idea of defects of character that kept showing up.
Usually if you drop them all in a funnel, one word comes out, it's fear.
But I had all the list of defects of character, and I listed them on a sheet of paper,
and next to them I listed the opposites of those defects of character, and I went to God with those.
Thank you for removing these, if this is what it is.
And thank you for giving me these, which is what I was given at birth anyway.
And God's going to mold me and tweak it the way he needs to.
But I suit up and show up with a spirit of humility.
Father, this is what was revealed to me.
Well, I do this work, and I get done and do the seven-step prayer,
which has little to do and nothing to do with me but a whole lot about going to God
and being of service to him and people around us, right?
And it says, grant the strength as we go from here to do your bidding.
Amen.
That bidding, that strength we're asking for is to go out and do steps eight and nine,
enter the world with a spirit, seek more of this power,
and give it to others and work with others in twelve, right?
Well, I get done with this, and I get moved to go into meditation,
and so I go into meditation.
And what came out of the meditation was God saved me from me in six and seven.
Self will do me in faster than the biggest.
Self will do me in faster than the biggest.
Self will do me in faster than the biggest.
I'm the strongest guy in any bar.
Self will do me in quicker than anything out there.
Me.
I will destroy me quicker than anyone.
And that's what came out of this prayer.
Father saved me from me, and I was getting clearer.
But while this was going on, there was an experience that was happening.
I later found out I was experiencing the death of self, which is the aim of this work anyway.
Because going into this work, six and seven, going into this prayer meditation,
I started to experience something I never experienced to this extent, to this degree before.
And I felt like I was vibrating all over again.
Like when you first walk in here, or when we got off the plane yesterday.
Vibrating.
When you're new to AA and you walk into a room like this,
oh my God, I've got to get out of here, but something keeps you there.
And you're trying to put a sentence together, and that's how I was feeling.
There were no thoughts of a drink, but I was vibrating.
I felt like I never opened up a big book.
I felt like I never prayed, never meditated, never went to an,
AA meeting was raw right off the street all over again.
I said, oh my God, what's this all about?
I call up my sponsors.
Mark, here's what's going on with me.
He says, you're having an experience.
And I said, well, thanks a lot, and hung up the phone.
Thanks, Mark.
He said, you're having an experience.
Don't talk it away.
Just be with it.
And I finished some more work with six and seven, back into meditation.
What was going on with me was this.
And I realized this was a Sunday morning, if I remember correctly,
because there was something that was taking place in my home.
And my first reaction was to put my hands on the wheel and control the outcome.
Take over.
But no matter how much I tried to do that, something kept me still.
Something kept me mindful of the moment.
Something kept me present.
My mind would wand every once in a while and bring it back, bring it back.
And I stood still that day.
And at the end of the day,
it worked out perfect.
And I realized if I would have put my hands on the wheel and got involved,
I would have had more troubles of my own making.
And how many times are my answers for today, tomorrow's problems?
I learned a great lesson.
What was going on with me then was I was truly experiencing the death of self.
And I had to be leveled once more.
Ego was getting smashed.
Manifestations of self were getting smashed.
And it feels like we're dying.
Like when you're,
when you're going through this work,
it's incredibly uncomfortable.
When we hit the fourth column and the fourth step,
who cares to make complete defeat?
Look at me in the fourth column.
This is me.
Here's my selfishness,
self-seeking dishonesty.
Here's all my fear.
Here it is.
Who wants to look at that?
And only because we're willing to go to any lengths and God is pushing us through,
do we continue to do that.
The death of self is not pleasant.
And the first time,
when we're at something really strange is going on,
we want to hold on.
And maybe this change is a little too drastic right now.
I'll do this later.
Spirit moves you.
When God's going to move us,
we're getting moved.
No matter how tight we hold on,
you're going.
And we always land in a place that's sacred and miraculous.
And that's what happened to me.
I've never been the same.
That archway they talk about in our book,
we go through that archway.
There's a squeezing that goes on when we move through the archway.
God's moving us through,
but there's a squeezing that goes on.
It gets incredibly uncomfortable.
Squeezing out all that's no good,
not useful to us any longer,
and be filled up with new.
You're kind of like cleaning your kitchen sink with one of those sponges.
What do you do every once in a while?
You rinse it under water,
you squeeze out,
and you go back.
That's exactly what was going on with me.
I was getting squeezed.
It was uncomfortable.
I didn't like it.
It was painful.
I had no idea what was going on with me,
nor did I know where I was going to land.
But something deep down within here,
keep moving,
keep moving,
keep moving.
Great stuff.
Incredibly uncomfortable going through it.
When I hear folks say,
hey, I'm doing my fourth step,
I'm having a great time,
I want to ask them,
what fourth step are you writing?
The fourth step's not asking about all the wonderful things we did.
Those things aren't getting us drunk unless we're telling everyone about it.
And I finished my fifth step,
and I showed up to six and seven,
and I got instructions like I just shared.
And those are some of the instructions that I follow,
even until the last time through the work,
of getting an idea of what was there,
and listing the opposites of them,
and turning to God for that.
And that really is part of the spirit of humility in seven for me,
is, you know,
turning to God,
Father, I really,
this is what was revealed to me.
I'm not demanding you remove this and keep that.
It's just a humble offering.
These are the defects that has been revealed to me with my sponsor.
And I'm turning everything back to you.
It's an extension of our third prayer.
I'm turning everything, once again,
back to you.
And you're going to mold with me as you see fit.
For one reason,
let me be of maximum service to you and those around me.
And part of that deal is I get strength from you to go out and do your bidding.
Remember earlier I said about how contemporary will tell us,
hey, we're always going to be powerless.
My seven step prayer says,
grant me strength to go out from here and do your bidding.
Strength, power, same thing.
We're given great power.
On page 76, it says,
now we need more action.
Now, my book doesn't say,
hey, you did enough work,
take a little time off.
Because alcoholism is also very patient.
It'll lay around and wait.
And if there's a crack in the armor,
it'll make its way through.
The only time my book gives me a time frame
is after step five.
Take an hour, and what do I do in that?
This reflection,
some prayer meditation,
some questions to be answered,
and obviously some quiet time.
So I'm moving.
So I finish this work, and it says,
we need more action.
Without which we find our faith.
Without works is dead.
And we look at steps eight and nine.
We have a list of all persons we have harmed
and whom we're willing to make amends.
That comes from my fourth step.
It says we did it when we took inventory.
The thing here, the question is,
am I willing to make amends
to those people on the list?
Yes or no?
Am I willing to go to everyone on that list?
Yes or no?
Without being attached to what it's going to look like.
Step nine will tell me
when to go and when not to go
because I may cause more harm in going.
But I need to suit up and show up to step eight
with a spirit of willingness.
Yeah, I'm ready to go.
We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal.
Step four.
Now we go,
we go out to our fellows
and repair the damage done in the past.
We attempt to sweep away the debris
which has accumulated out of my effort
to live on self-will
and run the show myself.
And the prayer is, it says,
if I have in the will to do this,
I ask until it comes.
There's a prayer,
a prayer of willingness to go out and make amends.
There's a couple of things about this.
It says, remember it was agreed at the beginning
that I would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.
From step three,
through step nine,
they talk about any lengths three times
because they kind of knew
when we got around here,
ego may start to get in.
Ego may say,
hey, you made about 10 amends.
You have 40 or 50 more to do,
but you can rest now.
You don't need to go to any lengths anymore.
You make coffee at AA meetings.
You have prospects.
You have a sponsor.
Everyone knows you.
External conditions look great.
You don't need to go there.
My book,
knows that,
and the book says,
remember any lengths.
Remember any lengths.
The other two words we pay attention to
is where it says damage and debris.
I leave damage and debris.
I've left damage and debris
because I'm like a tornado
rolling through the lives of others.
Damage and debris
that I need to go back and clean up,
not expect others to clean up.
And God has given me the power
to go do that stuff.
The first time through this work,
I made an enablement of 200 direct approaches.
That has lessened over time,
going through the work over and over again,
but the very first time out,
there were about 200 direct approaches
and a whole truckload of what I call indirect approaches
where if I would go,
I would cause more harm.
Like going back to the old relationship
and knocking on a door and says,
hey, remember that time
when a husband wants to know who I am?
That's causing more harm.
I was real careful about that.
Or going to make an amends
with some financial,
financial restitution,
but I may get a whole lot of other folks
into trouble with me
and I didn't get their consent
to go make the amends.
Those were my indirect approaches.
We'll talk about those in a minute,
but I had to get clear
it's damage and debris
caused my self-living life on self-will.
And God moves me through it.
I was a longshoreman.
I worked on the docks.
I don't know if you guys have that out here,
like the shipping industry.
And it's not exactly like the training ground
for spiritual growth with these guys.
I mean, I worked with men who were fed up
with the day at sunrise and there I was.
And there were a lot of truck drivers.
I worked with a lot of longshoremen.
And my dad was the boss.
He was the shop steward.
And he walked with this impeccable reputation,
very proud man, tough man.
And I went to work for him.
He hired me.
And in about 20 minutes,
he was experiencing terror, frustration,
bewilderment, and fear.
He's my son, but why?
And what was happening was,
when I first started,
we got paid Wednesday morning.
It was our payday.
And by Wednesday afternoon,
you couldn't find me.
Nor could you find me Thursday or Friday,
but I'd show up for Monday looking to borrow money.
And my dad would get these stories come back to him.
You know, hey, your kid didn't show up for work.
Anyone seen him?
Hey, he borrowed 50 bucks off me two months ago.
What's going on?
You know, things like that.
I started to borrow money from people,
the wrong type of people.
You know, they wanted a little bit back each week.
From coming to be, you know,
they would do that instead of beating me up.
And my dad would have to get involved in those scrapes.
And I became a good thief.
And I was living this type of life,
as you would expect, being in the grip of the grapes, right?
And so, along with my dad,
my family would get these stories.
I had two uncles who worked with me,
and they would get these stories.
And this thing was infiltrating their life.
They were experiencing alcoholism,
and they're not alcoholic.
They were experiencing the isms of my illness,
and they're not alcoholic.
You see the arrogance and the self-centeredness
and the narrow-mindedness in saying,
all I have to do today is not drink, and I'm a winner?
How arrogant a statement like that is,
and how it contradicts my big book?
Because I just told you a quick little snippet of my life.
My dad and my uncles were directly affected
by my alcoholism.
Now, I bring my two
younger brothers into it,
my grandparents and the rest of my family,
and other people, relationships,
women who cared for me,
and I just trampled through their life.
Because of what owned me now owned them,
it's called alcoholism.
The arrogance in getting to a meeting,
or God forbid, ever get to a podium and say,
if I didn't drink today, I'm a winner.
What about all of them?
And we get this glorious gift called sobriety,
and we still settle for, just put the plug in a jug,
and I'm a winner.
And we get this glorious gift called sobriety, and we still settle for, just put the plug in a jug, and I'm a winner.
And we leave them out there
to kind of reassemble their lives.
When God is saying, here, I'm giving you this,
now go and fix all of it.
I'm going to give you the power to go do it.
Go fix it.
And instead of being a horror of example,
become a power of example for what He can do.
And so I finally get sober up, 1988,
and a short time later,
I'm starting to go out and make amends.
And there were some very challenging amends I had to make.
Emotionally challenging came in the form of me making amends to my dad and my immediate family.
There were other challenging amends,
like going back to employees and saying,
I've been stealing from you for the longest time.
A few times, I had to sit with other coworkers,
and after I made amends to them,
and they were clear on this new pet that was put on,
can I go and make amends for the money I stole?
And they would not, they would not allow that,
because they would lose their jobs.
And I realized, some of them, so would my dad be put in jeopardy,
because he was supposed to be watching all over this while I was sneaking around.
And what do I do with that stuff, the money I stole,
and the hours I stole from work?
I did a couple of things.
I became the best worker on my job.
And it wasn't something, I woke up one day and said,
I'm going to be a great worker today,
because I'm going to show everyone how spiritual I am.
That's ego coming in through the back door.
I'm going to be a great worker today, because I'm going to show everyone how spiritual I am.
That's ego coming in through the back door.
I'm going to be a great worker today, because I'm going to show everyone how spiritual I am.
I just got moved to get to work early,
and stay when they said it's time to go home.
And when other guys would leave because they were in the grip of their addiction,
I would do their job too,
and not tell anyone about it for any kind of pats on the back,
which is what I was moved to do,
along with making direct approaches to the men.
I borrowed money off of them, never paid back,
slandered them, verbally abused them, a lot of things.
I made amends.
I stepped up to the plate.
God gave me the courage and direction to sit down with all of these men.
We used to meet early in the morning,
in a diner, it was called a hole-in-the-wall diner.
And the truck drivers and the long showmen would meet there,
five o'clock in the morning until work started.
And I would go in and meet my dad and stuff,
and wait for these truck drivers to show up,
and wait for them outside.
Go outside and wait for them.
You have some time, I need to talk to you.
And I would introduce me as I now am to them.
And first, I remember, a few of them I would say,
can I have some of your time?
And they'd say, uh-oh, the guy's going to hit me for more money again.
And I had to get past that, and let them know what I was about.
That I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been sober this long,
and part of my life is cleaning up the wreckage of my past.
Can I have some of your time?
And I borrowed money off you.
I borrowed 20 bucks off you five years ago and never paid you back.
And I only gave him the 20, but I gave him the interest,
because the money's worth different money now.
20 bucks five years ago is maybe worth 25 today.
I did that.
So it was some large amounts of money, and I couldn't pay up front,
so I tried to arrange the best deal possible.
And every single one of them was just so embracing of the whole thing.
These were tough men.
They didn't know about AA and praying and meditating.
They're just like, you owe me money, give me my money.
But when they heard this approach, they listened, and they embraced it.
And a lot of them were telling me, we're really grateful,
happy you're doing this, especially for your dad.
A few of them would come to me and say, hey, kid, you know,
your dad's really proud of you now.
That's all he does is talk about you.
See, this awakened spirit directly touches the lives and affects the lives of others,
even when we think it's not.
God keeps that kind of anonymous once in a while.
Then it comes back to us, being watched when we don't think we're being watched
and we're living in the sunlight of the spirit.
What a great testimony to this work and to God.
And I would meet with these gentlemen.
I remember there was this one truck driver.
He was about six foot twelve.
Is this on?
Six foot twelve.
That's seven feet tall.
Okay, it's the afternoon, I know, a little slow.
This guy was as big as the doorway.
How's that?
That work?
And I remember getting it into it with this guy.
I was looking to, I was doing a legal action.
I was doing activities and he didn't want to participate and I verbally abused this guy
with every four letter word I can think of in front of other men who were on the job.
This guy was so big, his hands were this big, he could have just crushed me.
I was a little punk.
And he said nothing that day.
Well, some time went back and this guy had a really booming voice.
You could hear him in the next town over and I heard his voice as he's here.
I knew he was on my amends list.
Now I'm praying all this time for the willingness to make amends.
Willingness to make amends over and over and over again.
And here was this guy and the first thing my mind said, he don't even remember you.
You don't need to do this.
Too many people, they're going to see this, you're going to look weak and cowardly.
But spirit's going to move you, you're getting moved.
And I went up to this guy who remembered me and I asked for some time and I started this amends
and he just gave me this big bear hug and it was done.
And he says, your pop is back.
I was proud of you.
That's what most of them told me.
Because they were all old enough to be my dad.
It was done.
And in making the amends, what we do when we do stuff like that, whether we rip people off emotionally
or rip them off with money and possessions, is not only we suit up to the plate and let them know what I did was wrong,
but in a sense we give them back a little bit of self-respect and dignity we ripped them off of,
that we took away from.
No, the way I treated you is improper.
You should not be treated that way.
And we're being, let them know we're very much aware of that and I'm fixing this as best as God allows me.
And I went to my immediate family, the first time out through the work.
Very challenging.
Sitting with my grandparents, my grandmother, my grandfather, both passed on now, sat down with my grandmother and began this amends.
I ripped them off.
I ripped them off of money.
I ripped them off of emotion.
I did a lot of just ugly things.
Showing up to my grandmother's house, the sweet little Italian woman who would take all of us in for lunch, right?
I show up at her house three days after, three days drunk and I'm showing up for one reason, to rob the house.
And, but I sat down with her and I begin this approach.
And my grandfather was sitting next to her on the couch and she's interpreting for him.
Because he didn't understand English and he was deaf and so she was interpreting what I was saying.
And I remember the first thing he did was wave and he was like telling me it's okay.
I was living this life with them for a while.
My actions spoke louder than any words I can come up with.
And my grandmother began to weep and my grandfather began to weep.
And if you know me, I weep when I watch cartoons, so I began to weep.
What was happening was, it was healing.
It was being put back.
It was being put back together.
And now we kind of commenced shoulder to shoulder upon this new journey.
And I sat with my kid brothers and I sat with my dad who was by far the most challenging on an emotional level to make amends with.
And I remember getting just a few words out and my dad gave me words I'll hold on to forever.
And he was just really grateful that he had a son back.
And went on to praise Aquahawks Anonymous, those meetings.
He referred to us as those meetings you go to.
Whatever they're doing.
And keep going there.
I've gone to work a few times and I was able to make amends to my ex-wife, which was very difficult.
Got to see clear some harms I caused.
And the scope of things, they wouldn't appear like, well, you've done worse than that, Pete.
But it was a harm nonetheless and I had to suit up and show up and make that right.
And not being attached to them saying, okay, great, I'm glad you're in AA.
I'm so happy for you.
I embrace this.
The outcome's not in my hands.
My hands.
I'm there to clean off my side of the street.
This is one of the many any lengths we go to.
It's vital.
Life-giving when I do.
And life-threatening if I don't.
We can sit here today and you don't have to go to a show of hands.
But you can answer this question to yourself.
How many of us think we've had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, right?
And maybe someone's kicking back saying, yeah, I had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.
Okay.
So we back it up with another question.
How many of us have outstanding insight?
How many of us have outstanding amends today that we can make without causing more harm but we haven't made?
That we could have made last week?
That we could be making this afternoon?
We could have made six months ago and we haven't because other things were more important.
Have I really had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps?
Because one of my teachers has preached for a million years as a result of steps nine and a half.
Or have I really had a spiritual awakening?
Maybe I had some experiences along the way.
But have I had a true transformation?
See, I'm clear on my amends today but God may reveal more to me tomorrow.
And that's one of my prayers.
I clean up the list, my eight-step list.
There's maybe 20 people on the list.
I go to all 20 but perhaps there's 30 or 40.
And I maybe will not get to see that until I rework the steps.
Or what a great thing to do.
Or what a great thing to do is talk to other folks about amends.
How are you with amends?
Where are you with amends?
What are your amends like?
And sometimes things surface because it's happened with me.
I just thought of one.
I just thought of one.
We were going to a meeting, a bunch of guys from Staten Island.
We were going into a meeting and we started talking about amends.
And I realized I had a couple of outstanding amends that didn't even show up anywhere on the radar.
But in talking about it, it came up.
And one was to a public school library in Brooklyn.
And one was to a liquor store on the Lower East Side of Manhattan.
Borrowed books when I was a kid.
Never brought them back.
I went into the library.
I told her what I was about.
And I'm here to make amends from like, you know, a million years ago.
She said I had no way of finding it.
It wasn't on a computer list.
I said, well, I'd like to make a financial donation.
She thought a lunacy commission should be appointed for me.
Where did you come from?
I'm busy.
So back to the indirect amends.
I take some of that money that if I show up and it causes more harm and there's money missing.
There's something called charities.
My religious community.
Maybe some folks in AA are facing some very challenging times and I can help them out.
The people I wasn't around for, I spent time with them.
Right?
There were some harms caused to women.
And I can't go make a direct amends to some of those women because it would cause more harm.
And any time I make amends,
I have no right to drag someone through any uncomfortability because I want to make amends.
Timing is critical and the words need to be precise.
And I have no right to drag someone through maybe something they'd like to forget.
Right?
But there's an amends owed there.
And I can't go see them because it's going to cause more harm.
What was made really clear to me, I treat women like children of God.
And little by slowly, God has allowed me to do that even with my falling short.
I came out of a blackout in downtown Brooklyn, New York.
And it was shortly before I got sober.
And I had one of those drunken relationship kind of.
I think most of us had one of those.
You think it's a relationship, but it's a disaster.
But I'm in love.
Give me money.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Lord have mercy.
I came out of a blackout in a train station.
And it was a rough part of Brooklyn.
And it was just an ugly day.
And I came out of this blackout and I was hitting this woman.
This girlfriend.
What I was doing was trying to get her purse.
And I come out of this blackout and here I am.
and I'm suddenly very aware of where have I been for the last couple of days.
I had no idea, but there I was.
And she was screaming and cursing me, and people in New York, I mean, they just keep walking.
I can't get involved.
They just keep walking.
Anyway, I went about my business, and I had to make amends to this woman.
And I saw her, and she saw me, and I was going to make the approach,
and she ran across the street.
Another woman I went to make amends to, she happened to be in Brooklyn,
and I stopped and I said, can I have some of your time?
And she says, my husband's upstairs, and this is my son.
But what do you want?
She still smarted from my injustice.
Because I'm feeling really good about this and go to someone's door,
they may still be incredibly angry with me.
So how do I make amends to that?
I don't do that anymore.
And trust me.
Don't give this lip service, treating women like children of God.
It's my life that's on the line.
Nothing that's so admirable about me.
I've asked God to allow me to do that.
I never did it before, I never did it afterwards, but it was done.
My ego wants to minimize that.
It was a horrible time in my life.
I turned into an animal at the hands of alcoholism for this brief moment.
And I despise that when I hear about that going on.
You know, you read the paper and you see these things.
But for that brief moment, I turned into one.
I turned into an animal.
I mean, I just don't live like that anymore, and I'm so grateful for that.
And I'm self-supporting through my own contributions today.
I don't need to rob anyone to pay for my bills.
Last night I talked about standing here with some dignity, and that's why.
When I walk down the street nowadays, I'm not worried if he or she is going to turn the corner.
I don't know.
Or someone finds my belongings,
that they're going to turn the corner.
They're going to find something they shouldn't find.
My life is an open book.
And my family, it's really interesting because they say,
like, we're all nuts, and you're so laid back.
And my family is like, totally moving.
My brother says, you're like, you know, you're so laid back compared to the rest of us.
It's because I really have nothing to hide.
So I've been able to make these direct approaches.
When I was growing up, I was a little bit of a, you know,
I was a little bit of a, you know, I was a little bit of a, you know,
I was a little bit of a, you know, a little bit of a, you know,
And sometimes because we're on this path,
doesn't mean that everything is going to be great.
And my external world collapsed for me a bunch of years ago,
in about 20 minutes.
I found myself going through a divorce.
I was let go from my job.
A bunch of us, because of downsizing, were cut loose.
Money that I thought was in the bank was suddenly missing.
And I thought I was going to lose my home in this divorce.
And I said, oh, my Lord, everything just fell apart.
And I was able to walk through that without ever once thinking about a drink,
walk through that with dignity, and I was sponsoring a handful of guys.
And my energy level was at zero.
And I was getting pushed around emotionally through this very, very challenging time.
In fact, a few times I had a few choice words for God again.
I was kind of like, hey, God, I wrote this tremendous script about me,
and you're not following it.
And I couldn't spend the time that I was with these prospects.
I was spending lots of time with the guys I worked with,
and suddenly I wasn't spending the time.
It just wasn't there.
And I had to go back to those guys and make amends for that.
And all but one said, Pete, you don't need to do this.
One of them said, can you spend more time with me?
Because in the amends I asked them, what can I do to make it right?
Is there anything you need to tell me?
Not like, hey, I'm sorry for what I did.
Have a nice life and go.
But I need to listen.
A book talks about how to approach the man we hated will arise.
Most of us have one or two of those.
And there was a landlord I was living with, living in his house, I should say.
And I had this little studio apartment.
And I trashed the place.
I brought like the Bowery into this apartment and almost burned the place.
I went down and wasn't paying rent.
A few times I borrowed money off the guy.
I didn't pay him back.
And it was just a horrible scene.
And he had a wife with a little daughter.
And his wife was expecting another one.
He was working, going to school.
And I hated everything they represented.
And a part of me desperately wanted to be like, have this life, be like that.
And I remember I got thrown out of it.
And I hated this guy.
Even when I was writing the inventory on this guy, I hated him.
And he showed up on my list.
And I did not want to go see him.
Because I was still thinking of,
what you did to me, the names you called me, and you threw me out.
I'm sitting in a restaurant with my ex-wife.
And in the back of the restaurant is this family party going on.
And this guy is standing in the back with a relative, I'm assuming, another buddy.
And he's giving me the eyeball.
He's dead-eyeing me from across the restaurant.
And I get the sweat coming off my forehead.
And my heart's beating faster.
And I told my ex-wife, we need to get out of here.
She said, I'll come.
I said, I'll tell you later.
We just need to go.
And I call up my sponsor.
He says, what had happened?
And I says, I think he was talking about me.
And he says, wouldn't you be talking about you if you saw you at a restaurant?
I was not free.
And I had to write more inventory.
And pray for willingness to go to this man I still hated.
And ask God to fill my heart with a spirit of forgiveness for him.
And that was rubber-hitting the road for me.
And then one Sunday morning, I woke up.
And I was getting ready.
I found myself getting dressed, because I was taught in Alcoholics Anonymous,
if I'm going to go see someone on amends, I don't get dressed up like I'm dressed
to go commit a felony, I suit up and show up and be the best example of this big book.
And I put on a jacket, a sport jacket, and a nice shirt.
And off I went.
And I showed up to this guy's door.
And his wife answered.
And we sat down and we spoke.
And I made this amends.
And they were just really grateful that I wasn't living downstairs from them anymore.
It's really interesting.
This woman, this guy's wife, I made amends and made financial restitution.
And we talked a little bit.
And off I went.
And a book talks about how it is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend.
But we find it much more beneficial.
We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling
and expressing our regret.
Much more beneficial is a huge understatement.
Because what happened to me when I left this guy's house,
words will do an injustice to the experience.
But if I could say I really felt the Spirit of God flow right through me like one white light,
that's what I experienced.
And I don't remember going back to my car.
I kind of sensed like I wasn't touching the ground on the way back to the car.
Something indescribably wonderful happened to me when this amends was done.
And it was a difficult amends for me to make.
I was made new.
What I found out later on is this woman, this guy's wife,
my ex-wife was a hairdresser.
This woman was going to my ex-wife to get a haircut through this whole time.
And she had a picture of me by her station.
And she says, I know him.
How do you know him?
He was at my house the other day.
What do you mean?
Well, he belongs to AA.
She says, well, let me tell you something.
That's my husband.
So it's unbelievable how things get put together.
You know?
A couple more things about step nine.
On page 77, it says, under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue.
Simply, we tell them that we can never get over our drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past.
We dare to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so.
I put amends, my eight-step list on index cards.
I put my eight-step list on another sheet in the notebook, sheets of paper on a notebook.
I've worked right out of my fourth step.
I found the most efficient way is to take a look at the harms caused, get them on index cards.
And I could put the person's name, perhaps a contact, what I'm clear about, and off I go.
And some people I make a direct, an appointment to see them.
Some people I would just see in the street.
But I need to suit up and show up with a spirit of willingness, because I don't know when some of those people may show up.
The gentleman I work with, couldn't locate him.
Praying to God for this one gentleman.
Cleaning up the end of my first list, and I just can't locate this guy.
And I'm praying, and everyone in Brooklyn has like a nickname.
Joey Bag of Donuts and things like that.
And this guy's name was something like Jimmy Hilo.
Because he operated a forklift, and they called him Jimmy Hilo.
And I'm praying to God, God, please let me run into Jimmy Hilo.
And God's going, I have no children named Jimmy Hilo.
Coming out of a law office.
And who's standing across the street in an OTB.
I don't know if you guys have OTB here, but off track betting.
They bet the horses, it's legalized.
And he's standing outside of this office.
And it was this guy.
And went across the street and made financial restitution.
To him.
And I said, anything you need to tell me.
And he did.
He was still really angry with me.
And he compared me to my dad.
He said, your dad is a very respectable man.
He says, you're not.
Because you borrowed money and disappeared.
Don't ever come to me for money again.
And my ego wanted to say, yeah, but you don't know how I lived.
I had to listen to that and be still.
And paid him his money with a little bit of interest.
And it was closed.
It was done.
And it puts closure.
How can I be present to the moment if I'm still plagued by voices from the past?
How can I move forward if I still have weight from the past?
I need to be clear and free of my past in order to be mindful of this moment and then move.
If I'm clear, I can hear.
Make sense?
And finally, we'll go to some Q&A.
It's so easy to get caught up in sitting with folks and looking at a book that says their defects may be glaring.
I come from a dysfunctional family.
My family's enablers, nonsense.
They are what they are.
My job is to go past that with a spirit of love and forgiveness and sit down with those people and analyze the past as we see it now.
And not get into, well, if you did this, I wouldn't have done that.
False finding ought to be avoided like the plague.
It would have been real easy with a lot of folks that I was making amends with to really point out their defects of character, whether they're existent or not.
That's not my job.
I go there with a helpful and forgiving spirit.
And little by little, we clean up the wreckage of the past.
And a book says in Step 10, we've entered the world of the spirit.
It says this thought brings us to Step 10.
This thought, as we clean up the wreckage of our past, we've entered the world of the spirit.
I think maybe we'll do 10, 11, and 12 tomorrow, yes?
Sound good?
Okay, good deal.
Let's take a 10-minute break.
We'll be right back.