Old Ideas and Insanity – Workshop – Glasgow Scotland – Part 4 of 8 – Tina W.

You're on the record now. Is that red being recorded? Yeah, now look at it and you're on the record. I thought green meant record. Oh, okay, I got it. You're locked. We're good, yep. Okay, now we're gonna finish going through the four major ideas of insanity. An old idea is a thought, feeling or belief we harbor toward or hold on to about a person, institution principle life or thing which has proven or is proving to be unsound and not fit for the use or result we intended or desired has become a catalyst for negative attitudes harmful behavior unmanageable emotions and has the potential for forming a faulty emotional dependency now, which one has more depth than weight that one or doing the same thing over again expecting different results I mean the one is shorthand recovery. I like how the big book in the 12 and 12 lays it out so that it has depth and weight. And doesn't Dr. Silkworth say that the message which can hold these people must have depth and weight? And when Silkworth wrote about depth, what he was implying was a concrete knowledge of my condition. That's depth. In other words, when I'm carrying the message, the message must have depth, which means I can communicate the problem. Weight is communicating a solution for that problem. We must have depth and weight. There's a lot of depth and wait in that. What's an old idea? It's a thought, feeling, or belief I'm holding on to or harboring toward another person, place, thing or event that has proven to be unsound or unfit for its intended purpose in my life. Now it's intended purpose, sometimes you've got to have help figuring that out. But if I am, as the big books suggest, a child of God with deep down inside an idea of God, if that's true, then I may need to formulate some new ideas about how I see the world. But how many of us really want to do that? How many of Us say thank you, but I got it. I had no idea why I did that and just telling me I'm belligerent isn't going to work. There's no depth in weight. See, right? Like, you are a son of a... Thank you. I knew that. No depth in weight. Sarcasm has no depth in weight. It's appropriate at times but no depth and weight. So here we're about the business of depth and wait. Okay, so with that thought of an old idea in mind in AA the holding on to of an old idea is considered to be a form of insanity. Wouldn't you think? Here's the four that we deal with most specifically related to alcohol and sobriety. Number one, the idea that somehow, someday I will be able to control and enjoy my drinking and or drink like normal people. That's number one. That's on page 33 of the big book. The idea that somehow someday I will be able recall and reproduce the original extemporaneous effect produced by alcohol extemporaneously means to do or act without prior practice at all naturally how many of us do that real well just zip right into it ok that's in the 12 and 12 page 57 and the doctor's opinion the idea is somehow someday I will be able to here's an interesting one the idea somehow someday I will successfully hold on to adjust to and live by an old idea without injury even though evidence to the contrary is overwhelmingly present in my life I don't like that I like doing the same thing over again expecting different results the idea that somehow someday now here's a big one, here's the one that's going to get me someday if anything's goingto get me this one right here number four this is the one that I will become obsessed with and I bet you everybody in this room if you're honest with yourself will have a tinge of it right now when I read the definition the idea that somehow someday perhaps by an act of science or nature I will actually become a sane, normal, adjusted human being in other words normal which means I don't got to go to AA no more which means I don' t got to call my sponsor I don´t got to work no silly steps I can just one day wake up and by an act of science or nature be emotionally and mentally adjusted and never have to worry about it again how many would like that? I would, right now but nature is a foregone conclusion I'm already out of the chute so I can't go back in there although there's times I want to when this world gets cruel like mom oh mommy how many of you relate to those four ideas remember in the big book where it says we will begin to act and react sanely and normally remember that part nowhere in the Big Book does it say nowhere, not in any of our literature does it say we actually become sane and normal. It continuously says over and over again that we will begin to act and react. Nowhere does it say it's a done deal. So I'm going to be acting and reacting wouldn't it be nice just to act or react sanely and normally? I mean how many of us overreact just a little? Especially in traffic how many of us overreacted to the grocery store do you have a six item or less line here in Europe or in Scotland do you find yourself counting a dozen eggs and saying that's twelve do you ever think that I do I notice stuff like that you got a bag of tomatoes how many is in there you have eight tomatoes get out of here that will start a fight I'm sure none of you are like that what we have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance and growth of our spiritual condition Dr. Silkworth on page 38 suggests through Bill Wilson that we have become strangely insane not clinically strangely insane with these ideas that just don't make sense like where do these ideas come from and why do we hang on to them and now let's go to how it works many of us have tried to hold on to and the result was we're going backwards as we try to hold onto them you ever try to have a new relationship with old relationship ideas anybody ever do that we call that bringing baggage into the new relationship of course we pretend we don't have any don't we I'd hold your arm baby but I've got these two bags that should tell you something I wasn't looking at her we're going to get a chance to talk about that when she does her four step in case you're wondering Tina does get involved she does steps 4 through 11 and the actual examples of the inventories because I just ain't putting that up there because she's going to have to do her sex inventory behave ok where was I ok so let's take a look at some ideas related to steps 2 and 3 came to believe a power greater than our self can restore us to sanity I'm not going to believe that just because you tell me I need some concrete empirical evidence for this alcoholic to completely give myself to this simple program don't you believe, don't You agree that in order to get a new person to do step 4 that they really got to give themselves up, they just do and there's some people who will stab at it and they just go around it I believe it's because, not because they're losers. I don't believe that for a minute. I don'T believe there's any losers in AA. I DON'T believe that. That's a judgment that I don' have the right to call. I think people who get stuck in step 4 through 9 are people who have not yet come to believe that their very life depends on uncovering, discovering, discarding those things in themselves that THEY find objectionable. Now see, there's a key thing there, isn't there? you may find it objectionable well I don't says that I find objectionable and I need my sponsor to help me because maybe things I don�t find objectionable are causing me my problem and I'm going to need my sponsor's input to let me know that that is separating me oh that's right we're back to that separation internal spiritual maladjustment equals spiritual separation we're going to find out a lot more about that in step 4 spiritual separation you know what the symptoms of it are I feel or act isolated there's only 5 symptoms of spiritual separation it really simplifies our program 5 symptoms of spiritual seperation isolated withdrawn set apart solitary and disunited now Tina Oh, you'll do that in your fourth step, won't you? Isolated, withdrawn, set apart, solitary, disunited. When I am in separation from God as I understand Him, I either feel or create my own situation where I'm isolated. I withdraw. I set myself aside. I'm set apart from. I'm disunided. I'm not united with the most important objective to be united with, do you know what that is? it's me I am not okay in my own skin I am literally disunited with myself we are not one and we've only just begun God self others body, mind, spirit God, self, others steps 4 through 9 is going to be all about lining myself up as one with the world I have never in my life been one with the universe anybody else? I have always been that guy if the world goes like this on its axis I am like this any other salmon in the room? well we are spawning and dying And anyway, he's just spawning and dying. I know there's something up there they don't want me to see because the current is going the wrong way. Go left? Why? What's to the right? Anybody ever said go left up there? Why? What's for the left? What's that? What's up to the left to the right? Why do you want me go left? What's over there? I know you're hiding something. I'm going to find out. Then I get lost. Gave me the wrong direction. You told me to turn right. No, I said left. You're a liar. That's my mind. How are you doing? that is me I seem to be going against the world and you know doesn't a big book say quote we made heavy going of life I'm going against the grain and you know what I do it without any effort at all if you show me the way to go I will be tempted to fight it all the way even if it's good for me Especially if you say do it. I don't like to be told. Anybody else? Even if I ask for help, I don'T like to be told . Have you ever asked for directions and not followed them? How many of you have a GPS and you question it? Patrick! Where you at? Oh, this is a good story. Patrick, were we in London? Which story would this be? No, that was Mark. I beg your pardon. It's not you, it's Mark. Mark Collier in London. Mark was taking us to a hotel over by the airport, the Premier Inn. And unbeknownst to him, he didn't know there were two Premier Inns. And I happened, even though I'm from America, I knew it. I'm a cop. I know things. So Mark's got his GPS. And he noticed this Premier Inn way over here. Well, so did I. But I also know there's another one. And the GPS is telling us to go that way. And Mark says, oh no, it's wrong. I said, Mark, it is a GPS. It is a satellite. Satellites aren't often wrong. It is way up there looking down here. He says, yeah, I know of it. And he turns the other way and I said where are you going? I am going to the premier inn. I said okay, okay. We are going to have some fun. We drive around and Mark says quote, look there sponsor. it's the premier in you know digging me I said right why don't you go in there and find out if we have a reservation here he went in there, I swear to God he went like this I got the response he comes out like this now I'm sitting there just waiting for the opportunity to bark at him somewhere along that trip too I think he goes why don't I just switch that off that's my ticket it'll tell me go left I'm like that's wrong and I gotta go the other way so I just turn it off so I don't have to listen to it tell me anything because I know she did that while we were on a date I said, why are you turning that off? She says, because it's wrong. Okay, anybody else like that? I mean, I don't have a problem admitting that stuff because I know my mind ain't wired right anyway. I have no problem admitting I'm a half a bubble out of plump. Other people have a hard time dealing with it. I don' t care. It' s only important that I admit it so that someone can help me get the right directions. Because we're going to see tomorrow in our own literature how it says right in black and white that until I admit my error and move towards its correction I am doomed to spiral until I'm willing to admit my problem and move toward its correction how many of us just don't do that we just don' t examine and look for our common problem ok now let's move on to something that's significant ism spiritual separation I feel isolated, withdrawn, set apart solitary, disunited from God myself and my fellows I am disunite which means I am out here circling the drain while everybody else is going along just fine and then I hate them because they are I feel like they're victimized I feel that they are not including me I feel like I'm left out anybody else felt left out isn't that something I'm feeling left out all the time and I'm shy I thought I thought I was shy my sponsor said oh yeah you're shy no you're calculating is what you are you are repugnantly calculating you sit back and size everybody up and don't talk until they're vulnerable and then you leap like a cobra I said me? I thought that was shy I can't talk to girls he says really what happens when you drink I said love them all he said you ain't shy you're like a clockwork orange is what you are ok so what's my problem I have felt my whole life and I felt like it was an inextricable calamity nothing can cut me away from this I'm filled with the bondage itself and now I'm not drinking and I'm watching other people's life become manageable just by not drinking and to give you a good example I haven't really been this direct with it but I'm going to be direct with it today there's a world famous speaker who because he's alcoholic he too thinks everybody is just like him or they're not alcoholic have we got that attitude? if you ain't like me, you ainít he says quote if you drank and you had problems and you couldn't stop drinking and then you stopped drinking and your problems went away you're not an alcoholic just don't drink he just told my brother he's not an alcoholic and you know I didn't catch that until years ago my brother does not like him I didn'T understand why he never done nothing to him how come he doesn't like him and then one day I heard it if you drink alcohol and your life is unmanageable and you stop drinking and your wife becomes manageable you are not alcoholic my brother heard that loud and clear because that was his experience he stopped drinking he's in AA his life is manageable automatically I remember my brother saying is he saying I'm not an alcoholic I said it sounded like that to me and boy he had an attitude I don't blame him. But isn't that alcoholic? We think everybody is like us, or we're not like them. It's like it reinforces the idea, the insane idea, that I am out here, the world is over here, and in order for me to reconcile my feelings of difference, I have to think everybody's like me, or nobody's likeme. Otherwise I go insane. And you know what? I'm happy to know that I'm only like the Bill W. alcoholic I know Dr. Bob's out here too if he takes a drink and I'm okay with that I understand that I'm glad that they get help too but it helps me to understand that they ain't doing anything special making them a better member of AA because it seems like they got an easier way to go thank God they don't got what I got they're alcoholic I have alcoholism we both have the same problem we can't drink alcohol safely but once they get sober they don't have this unconscious mental craving that I want to talk about now here's something very interesting I did not discover this because it's not in the big book I discovered it in the 12 and 12 and this probably stopped me from drinking what's my great obsession the great obsession of every abnormal drinker is the idea that somehow someday we'll one day be able to control and enjoy our drinking or drink like normal drinkers. Okay, I have another great obsession. My brother does not have it. And it will lead me to a drink for one reason. What's my great obsession? To be normal. I look at my brother and I have to tell you he's normal. He is. He does fine. You know? When he stopped drinking and started going to AA and doing what he does is normal I was obsessed with being normal and I was out of my flipping mind because I knew that day was never going to come and when I came to understand agnosticism the way I'm going to share it with you right now when I can I'm not saying you have to believe this when I cane to believe this my mind visibly began to relax because now I know it's wrong and I know there's no escape in it I can finally accept it. See, I'm the kind of guy I'm not going to accept nothing until I know I can't escape it. There's got to have claw marks on it, pal. Have you ever been in a relationship where you just know it wasn't right? But you hung in there to make sure. Again and again and again and again even to where the law had to be called. They had to separate you. In the U.S. we call that Jerry Springerville. Okay, I have an obsession to be normal. Now in the book Alcoholics Anonymous it talks about the obsession for alcohol. Now here's the difference between what I'm about to tell you about. An obsession is a conscious awareness of what you're obsessing about. It's an idea that I obsess about that overcomes and overshadows all other ideas and leads to the unmanageability of my life. You hear me? That's an obsession. Conscious. So an obsession for alcohol is a conscious preoccupation with the idea of taking a drink, which means you've got a shot at defending yourself. The book says that there will come a time when we are mentally defenseless against the first drink. But until that time comes, conscious preoccupations. In other words, I can call Andrew up and say, Andrew, I'm thinking about drinking because you're consciously where you are. Andrew, I can't stop thinking about drinking. If Andrew's on his beam, we're going to have a cup of tea or a cup of coffee and we're going to talk about something else to get my mind off that drink. And then we're going to take some steps. And he's going to walk me through the idea that I think alcohol can work for me again. But I got hope because I'm consciously aware. But do you know that's most of the experience I've got with people who drank again they weren't even thinking about it. you know that guy in the big book driving around saw a bar thought he might be able to sell a car pulled in, got a sandwich ordered a glass of milk and he's sizing up the crowd figuring out who he can sell a card to because car salesmen do that don't you know stop by saloons when they're trying to stay sober to sell the car he's not thinking about drinking so that's what he said he's NOT thinking about DRINKING orders a glass of milk and then the thought crosses his mind from nowhere, from nowhere now remember before he went in he was feeling a little bit resentful that he's working for a dealership he used to own how his life is can we relate that to I don't fit in I don' t belong, I'm not a part of it, what's wrong with me I'm being left out this was my business this is all going on beneath the level of consciousness Jim was not aware what was going on down here he's just regurgitating resentment correct? he orders a glass of milk you know a shot of whiskey might not hurt with a ham sandwich and such and he drinks it down and it goes so well he orders another milk with whiskey how long do you think he took before he realized the milk was taking up space I didn't know this but on further investigation here's something interesting I'm not suffering there's a three fold aspect to the allergy and the obsession there's two folds to the obsession the first one is a conscious preoccupation with drink but there's one that only affects 50% of us the Bill W type it's called the unconscious mental craving and here's how it works I'm going along in AA and all of a sudden I'm sitting in here maybe I'm in a room full of Dr. Bob types looking around thinking I feel like the odd man out man they're talking about how wonderful their life is and mine sucks they're just happy, happy, unhappy and every now and then they work a step or two and they just go lie and life goes by like a song and I'm sitting there thinking my life is in the tank I don't dare tell them because they'll judge me or they'll tell me to do something pray or something and I don' t know what's wrong with me I don''t fit in I don ''t belong I don'T even feel a part of an AA sometimes What's wrong? And then all of a sudden from nowhere the thought crosses my mind as innocently as that glass of milk It might go like this Wayne have you noticed how alone we are? Have you noticed that Bob and Bill And Mary and Bob don't like you Wayne Yes we've noticed Do you realize that you're not included That you're often left out Yeah as a matter of fact I have Now I'm having a conversation with us I'm in a group unconscious And then it says You know Wayne Are you aware you really don't have any true friends Yeah I noticed Do you know you have one friend that's never let you down? Never. Every time you rang the bell, he answered. Every time he felt like he couldn't go on again, he took care of it for you. What's his name? Budweiser. You know, as silly as that sounds, that's my experience. It's called seeking the effect produced by alcohol. It's cunning and it's baffling and it's powerful because it happens down here beneath the level of consciousness it comes out in a different shape and form I don't fit in, I don' t belong, I'm not a part of something engages in here a memory cell the memory of the relief I got from three or four Budweiser's it's not a conscious thing it just hits me and then I'm drinking because I want to be normal and that's the only time I feel extemporaneously able to live life is when I'm drinkin ladies and gentlemen I want you to know something I absolutely believe if I ever drink again I'm not going to see it coming and that's is that where Bill maybe came up with there will be no mental defense against the first drink I want to go to another point now remember in the book it says the problem centers in the mind now you wouldn't think that the mind and the unconscious mental craving could be found together I beg your pardon see mind has two forms in AA one has to do with our thinking and the other one has a has to deal with thank you to you folks that had anything to do with the writing of the Oxford English Dictionary because Bill Wilson used the Oxford British Dictionery in his writings in 1936 and when he wrote the problem centers in the mind do you know how many people in America have manipulated that to mean our thinking how many times have you heard our problem is our thinking now that I don't have a drinking problem I have a thinking problem in my opinion that's a load of crap but I bought it for many years because I didn't know the truth having done the research I learned the truth about that statement by the way there's a lot of statements in our big book that have been I believe innocently extrapolated and then given a touch by the person with their own agenda when somebody tells you my thinking is my problem I got to tell you the truth I avoid them, I do because they don't know my thinking has never been my problem although it has led to problems but there's a specific difference because if my thinking is my problems if you fix my thinking should that not solve the problem one in one makes two if my thing is a problem therapy should have fixed me It just should have. Trust me, I've been in a lot of therapy. We examined every side of my appearance you could possibly examine. My thinking is a symptom of a greater problem now. You can't know that. You can'T even believe that if you don't know where that statement came from. The problem centers in the mind. How many of you heard the term the mind's eye how many of you heard that term how many of you have heard the term the mind'S eye that's biblical forgive me it just is but it was taken into English language and made a term the mindS eye it's referring to the soul of a man and here's how he wrote in a big book that we have a soul sickness now a lot of people don't want to hear about this out there because it denies them the ability to treat us according to their methodology. Because now it's getting really spiritual, isn't it? It says in our big book that we suffer from a soul sickness. Body, mind, spirit. Allergy of the body. Obsession of the mind with what? An underlying soul sickness。 So I looked up the definition of soul in the Oxford English 1936 Dictionary. And it defines soul as the seat, and if you think of a three-legged stool, the seat of man's, and I would assume woman's, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and ensuing action. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Think about that. Thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. The problem centers in the mind. Where's the problem? It's a soul sickness. The reason I think funny is because I'm sick in the soul. I feel funny too. You don't hear that. You don'T hear we have a feeling problem there. No. And my instincts, my senses. I can't trust them they seem to be out of whack my thoughts, feelings, emotions and therefore my actions are in response to my thoughts feelings, feelings that are sick because I have a soul sickness therefore that brings to mind another thing Bill Wilson wrote that relates to that he said quote when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically the reason he didn't say mentally, physically and emotionally is because everyone knows that the emotions are spiritual the emotions are of the spirit everyone knows that goes without saying he said then we straighten out mentally and physical if our thinking if our thinking was our problem would it not be the other way around straighten out the thinking and everything else comes into order if I have a thinking problem but I want to tell you some simple thing like that I have a disease by the way I'm not in argument with the AMA I'm just saying the way I'm trying to put it out there how people like me think disease, not my fault I'm no responsible thinking is my problem okay, just don't think won't you do it for me and then I'm non-responsible again, am I if I can get you to do my thinking for me because you're telling me I've got broken thinking and there are people in AA who will do their thinking for you because they have a faulty dependency on being needed. I want someone to help me adjust my thinking, give me options. When I sponsor people, I give them three or four options that I can see that are healthy. They pick the one. I don't pick it for them because if I pick it, it's my fault if it doesn't go well. And if it does go well, I ain't getting the credit anyway because they're going to take it. And if I'm going to be that bright, I want the credit. Okay. Now, the seat, the soul, the center, and what do they talk about? Balance. Like when you go to somewhere and they say you need balance in your life. They tell you, they're talking about external balance. That's not my problem. I have that imbalance out here because I'm spiritually maladjusted in here. So the internal gyroscope I was supposed to be born with is out of balance. This is a spiritual malady. Something inside me, inexplicably, is maladjusted. For me it seems to be when I was born. Now does step two and three take on a whole different texture? I'm about to ask someone to turn their will and their life over to the care of God as they understand Him. And they don't even half the time know what their will in their life is that they're turning over. They don't Even understand that it is this. and the gyroscope is a very fascinating instrument you know what the definition of serenity is from our approved literature it is quote the ability to maintain my emotional balance while all about me may be disharmonious now if you ever go on board a big ship they steer I mean they have radar and everything of course if it was me steering the ship I wouldn't believe in the radar because I can't trust it. And I don't follow directions, and I don' t like orders. So I go all the way on to the gyroscope. When I was in the Navy, Tina and I both were sailors, by the way. When I heard her say she loved sailor men, I had hope. There's enough of us in here to be men, not man. my first station at general quarters which is when you're about to go to battle my first station was the helmsman the most difficult job on board that ship if you're a boatswain mate in battle or a storm because the ship is being thrashed about and the helm, the wheel about this big and it's oak, the rim is burning you can still see scars here where it literally burned through my hands when we were in a typhoon and there's a list meter right above us and the ship can take certain degrees of lift before she tips on her side and I happened to be called general quarter because we were getting ready to be hit by a typhon so my general quarter station as I said was steering the ship now there's reason why I was a good helmsman because when you throw me into chaos, it normalizes me. My mind is already filled with chaos. I can handle that. It's at calm seas. I don't like what's coming. You know our book does say we are quote children of chaos. My mind is so convoluted with fear, resentment, anger, anxiety, depression, that it's chaotic in here and so I create chaos in my life to match what's in here so I don't have a psychosomatic snap. Did you know that? The more different I feel inside, the more different, I will make my environment. The more I feel bad about myself, the more bad people I will find to hang out with because it codifies how I feel inside. I didn't know that and no therapist was ever able to tell me that because they couldn't look inside and see that I'm not really a depressive. It's just I feel so bad I find other depressives to hang with and pretty soon they make me depressed and then I go find my own to make depressed does that make sense? that's powerful because if I don't know that I will not stop that behavior externally because inside I never feel calm so here I'm steering the ship and the list meter a destroyer that I was on can take 21 degrees of list before she goes over and when you're in a typhoon you know what the captain did I thought we'd turn tail and tie to outrun the typhoon. But he said, no, turn into it. I said, you're crazy. What are we going to turn into that thing for? That don't look good. That's what I'm thinking. I'm not saying it. He's shouting out orders. One person, one person, by the way, at general quarters, one person shouts out the orders, and you know that man's voice. No one's allowed to talk except to answer the helm, to answer the order back. Everybody has to be quiet. Does that sound like sponsorship yet? And I'm steering a ship. And I mean, we look like a flipping submarine. And when you're in a typhoon and your ship dives, it is totally engulfed in a wave of solid grain. And you just hope to God you're going to come out of it because the entire ship is submerged coming through that wave. And then all of a sudden, unexpected, you shoot out of It and the captain's barking orders, right hard rudder, left hard rudders. It's like I'm following orders even though I don't want to. The compass is spinning, spinning. The captain, I can't even pay attention to the gyroscope because it's not able to steer right now. It's out of control. But not the gyroscopes, but the ability to read it. And I'm watching that list meter, and here's what, forgive me, I'm like, oh shit, shit, ship, jump, we're going like this, right hard runner, because we're going to the right. Follow me? We're listening to the Right. Right hard rudder. I'm thinking, that'll make it worse. What do you mean go right? So I go right and we tilt. And it worked. And then we started listening to The Left. 16, 17, 18. I got to give it more rudder! Less hard rudders! No! That'll make It worse! So I know less hard ruders and she tips. I went through that for four hours of trying to contradict him in my head. Then all of a sudden, we were all going to die and we knew it. My hands are bleeding. They're burned raw. Nobody would substitute. My whole body is nothing but sweat. The Lee Helmsman, all he's got to do is pull a hand over me. I want his job. And all of the sudden we shot out of it and the seas calmed just like there was never a storm and I swear to God I went just like this nothing to it would have been a lot easier if you had listened to me and there's that gyroscope same place fully balanced and that's what serenity is the ability to maintain my emotional balance no matter what the storm is going on around me that's the goal and I didn't know that serenety not lying on a sunlit beach and that was serenity, that's an approach to it serenety is what comes from the long term process of achieving emotional sobriety and I find myself able to act and react sanely and normally for just one day and for a guy like me that's a huge achievement, here's why now we've got a lot of stuff let me erase some of the stuff we don't need now do you understand the unconscious mental craving that's why when I'm sitting in a meeting feeling like I don't belong I'm not a part of I must know that's what I'm feeling so that I can take counteraction because I'm the one who has to take the counteraction we're going to talk about that tomorrow morning steps 10, 11 and 12 the way Bill Wilson applied it with Father Ed Dowling from 47 to 50 and then the rest of his life a day at a time that proved to be the counterbalance for what afflicted Bill W alcoholism Dr. Bob didn't need to do it Dr. Rob, God bless his soul stood at the door of Towns Hospital till the day he died him and Sister Ignatia treating alcoholics left and right offering them the same approach he made in the six step process of the Oxford Group it worked it was wonderful while Bill's off running around the country being wonderful that's how they interpret it if you ever go to Akron and talk to some of the old time Akronites they still don't like Bill they think he was emotional immature and all kinds of judgments on our co-founder because they don't have to understand they look at their Dr. Bob and they compare him to Bill instead of seeing that they're two different personalities and wouldn't that make God if there is such a thing really divine how brilliant to make sure all human beings of both personality types have a shot at recovery how brilliant is that if we'd have been two Dr. Bobs I'm sure I'd be dead if there were two Bill W's we'd be on the stock market we'd been blue chipped right out of reality we would have become the Washingtonians all over again so Bill and Bob made that perfect perfect combination so that anybody in this room anywhere in the world has an equal opportunity to recover however, if you happen to be a Bill W back in the day you didn't know now if you take the book Alcoholics Anonymous the first edition they say the first 100 men and women it was actually 76 Bill thought the 100 sounded better and of the stories in the big book I'm not happy to report this but it's the truth half of those people died drunk half of them now which half do you think they were I studied this which half did you think there were absolutely the Dr. Bob type hardly ever slipped and relapsed and they're the ones who will spout out a relapse is not part of recovery making us feel even worse than we do already because they don't understand that for some of us a slip is mandatory. I don't tell newcomers that because they take advantage of that. But I know from my own experience that for five years drinking, going to meetings I couldn't have stopped drinking one day sooner than I did. I'm polished over alcohol for God's sake. Don't be telling me I should have stopped. I've actually told some people they should have started again. Jesus. Step over near his bar room Bob and try some patrol drinking because I just flat don't like you. they never listen so the seat the seat of my thoughts, feelings emotions which drive my actions so my actions over here look like my thinking causes a problem to the untrained eye but I want to repeat my thinking is not my problem and I sat in therapy a long time we were trying to treat my thinking and I never got better not their fault they just don't understand the real problem and you see the real problem is this right here see and all the therapy in the world is not going to get past that and I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting better but it's funny put booze down me and where does it go booze spirits goes down here know the glow spiritus contra spiritum I don't remember it's latin right spiritus contro spiritum means the spirits affect the spirit Dr. Jung wrote that in a letter to Bill Wilson another addition to that is that spiritus contra spiritum means alcohol alcohol contradicts I'm very contradictory anybody else black becomes white, white becomes black in other words alcohol produces an effect on me that's contrary it's not supposed to do that is it and for 9 out of 10 drinkers that doesn't happen spiritus contra spiritum I take a drink drink takes a drink drink takes the man spiritus contras spiritum only happens to 1 out of10 drinkers and I have to tell you that most of them don't get sober as a matter of fact most of em don't ever find their way to AI Why? Because we're not being treated for addiction. We're out there dying drunk on the street, homeless, and we're called bums. Because we look like that to the untrained eye. When in reality, most of the people I lived with on Skid Row were hardly ever drunk. How do you treat that? Hardly ever. Hardly every drunk. We just got along. You know, you put a few drunks together on Skad Row and we have a pretty good life. Oh hell, we get dumpsters and line them with padding. and call it a duplex. Wow. I'd even try to get her to come home with me and I could get her the front door but I couldn't close the deal. She'd say, where do you live? This is all mine. Okay. So, problem centers in the mind. Not in my thinking. In my mind. So if I apply the spiritual process it will change my thinking. And if I change my actions, it will begin to change my spiritual process and then my thinking will begin to change. You can't think your way in a new way of acting. You've heard this though. But you can act your way into a new way of thinking. And those actions must be positive and they must be new. A new idea. How do we do that? Tina is going to show us right after lunch in step 4 how steps 4 through 9 are the beginning of a new way of acting to change our old way of thinking. Remember, new wayofacting to change our old ways of thinking How profound is that? I wish it was mine it's really good New wayofacting to substitute for our old ways of thinkin' If I go by my old thinkin', I'm certain to destroy whatever new news I'm bringing into my life When Tina and I started datin', she just came out of a 17 year marriage it turned really sour and I knew, and this by the way some people think I'm banging her out I am not but I knew because I'm armed with the facts about my condition I had no judgment of this woman at all but I new she was going to bring some of that old thinking into our new relationship now I'll tell you why it was good that I knew that is because, is this not a fair statement I was able to sidestep a lot of her baggage because it's not mine I wouldn't have saw it coming if I didn't have the solution to my own baggage otherwise I would have brought mine in too wouldn't I I mean I would've brought in the fact that my wife ran off with my sponsee and she was actively involved in Al-Anon I was mad at Al-Alan for a day and when I realized she was gone I appreciated it we didn't like each other I'll tell you about that tomorrow it was really a godsend I didn't Like her and he did so I'm glad he won after all nice catch huh ok moving along so now we know now I know I shouldn't say you forgive me now I think now I Know that the problem centers in my mind and that what I see may not be real because it's being filtered through a broken spirit have you ever had a perception problem you ever think you see something that nobody else is saying I don't mean an apparition I mean you ever see trouble coming and everybody else says what's your problem that's not a problem gee what's the big deal you don't understand it's bad it's going to be bad worse it's gonna be horrible what? I don' t know ok Hey, you ever hear funny? How many of you heard funny? How many, how many of your here funny? We ever heard somebody say something. Here's how it goes. Andrew says, how are you doing Wayne? I say, it's none of your business what I'm doing. He goes, no, I asked you how you're doing. No, you didn't. I heard you. You're getting nosy. You want to know what I've done. What are you up to? And all he said was, how you doing? But I didn't hear, anybody else have a hearing disorder? They have a pill for that today. Anybody have a feeling disorder? Anybody feel, have you ever felt a certain way and all the reality around you says it's not accurate but that's how you feel? Have you ever had somebody say, I think, and then you say, yeah well that's not how I feel. have you ever seen people turn thought into feeling so you can't argue with it how many people do you know maybe including yourself that everything is an I feel statement instead of an I think or an I thunk very few of us ever say I think most alcoholics of my type say I feel when you know that's a feeling that's not a feeling that is a processed thought the reason they're saying feeling is because we have learned, we manipulators, that as soon as you argue in my feeling, I can say, look, you don't know how I feel. And therefore, I can think whatever I want and you can't challenge me. I live my life by that. I feel... What's the other one? God. God. I talked about God. He was probably wishing I'd go to sleep or something. I talked a lot about God I talked abut God as though I had one. You know why I talk about God so much? because you can't argue with that either. All I've got to do is put God into any sentence and you can challenge it because I'll say, look, you've got your God, I've Got Mine. Bill Wilson referred to that in the big book of El Cholestinamus. You don't hear this very often, do you? Those of us that are spiritually intoxicated drunk on God. Spiritually intoxicated filled with spiritual make-believe. How often do you hear that talked about in AA? I found it by accident I really wasn't looking for it I promise because when I read that I was indicted and I knew it I used God to get dates because I know you girls like guys that talk about God so I'd fancy up to a couple of girls I was interested in and I'd just start talking to them about God God, God, god, god oh God's good God's love God is love God, got, got and then you actually thought I had that and you went out with me and it wasn't too long before you figured out I was lying God told me you were perfect for me You're the one That's not God's will That's Wayne talking When I talk to God That's called prayer When God talks to me It's called schizophrenia Oh, yeah. Okay. Let's go to my real problem. Soul sickness. And here's something else I heard when I was new. Some of the old deacons that were Dr. Bob types. I'm not hammering them out. I'm just telling you the way it is. They said to me, if you want to save your soul, go to church. If you wantto save your ass, go AA. Immediately removing the God component. I don't even think they knew they was doing that if you want to save your soul go to church this ain't about saving my soul it's about identifying that I have a soul sickness and that I'm in trouble and do you have an answer for that because Budweiser is the answer for me Budweiler Spiritus Contra Spiritum goes down here creates an extemporaneous effect produced and it never leaves the memory that memory is never going to leave there's a hard drive down here with a disc right there a chip permanently implanted that's going to go off when I'm restless, irritable, and discontent for just too long. When I don't feel like I fit in, don't belong, I'm not a part of. And to prove it coming up on step three, made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God's understanding how many people in this room turned their will and their life over to Cain Alcohol? Come on. How many of you turned your will and your life over the Cain alcohol? If you didn't then Or how many of you turn your life over to an alcoholic? Thank you. A little Al-Anon removal here. Okay, Margaret should have both hands up. Okay. So step two and three go together. Uncover, discover, discard. Four through nine. Recover ten through twelve. Okay, one, two, and three. One through three. a lot of people don't understand it 1, 2 and 3 are all uncovering the problem you see it's a problem when I think I'm not sane when I think other people are and I'm the only one who's not sane that's a problema when I don't know why I'm powerless over my old ideas it seems why am I powerless over my own ideas here's something that I left out yesterday I want to bring up today my brother the eye over ear here's how that works intellect overrides the emotion here's today in me and in him sober 28 years sober my brother his intellect overrids his emotion he gets a thought probably a good one and then he considers that thought then he contemplates the validity of that thought. Then he kind of thinks about whether or not he wants to act on or not act on that thought then he calls my dad for his opinion like it matters and then he gets his opinion my dad's opinion and then He goes back and reconsiders the thought because of my dad'S opinion and if that isn't enough he might even talk to my mom oh my god it's like a group conscience meeting and then when he is done with all of that it might take an hour he makes a decision to act or not then he does or he doesn't then he considers how he feels about the outcome and if he liked how he felt he might do it again or not and if he doesn't like how he feels he may not do it or he might don't you agree that's a lot of work oh my god that could take a whole hour or two now there's me I'm E over I I feel so I do and then I think uh oh I shouldn't have done that and I feel really bad and do it again and then I blame somebody and then I think about blaming somebody and then I do it again and then I blame somebody else anybody identify with that system over and did it sound like I was expecting different results no that's how I do it I feel it I do it I think I shouldn't have done it I do it again feel it again blame somebody you identify I would add anybody? Isn't it fair to say why do I do that? I want to take these last few minutes of this session to talk about agnosticism. We agnostics. I thought that was all about God. Let's break down agnostics so we can get through this. A, is this Latin? A, without. The letter A without. Gnostic is defined The knowledge of, access to, connection with, an ultimate, a superior. God, in other words, someone in authority, someone that has power that you don't have. Do I have knowledge of? Access to? And connection with? God. Alright, page 55 says that I am disconnected. And how does that feel? I feel isolated, withdrawn, set apart, solitary, disunited. I don't fit in an oblong, not a part of what's wrong with me. And then I have four classic symptoms that paint a clear picture I'm agnostic. I have self-doubt over and over. I always doubt myself even when I don' t have any reason to doubt myself. Any other doubters in here? Now, normal people have self doubt too. But the difference between me and them is they have a natural on board adjustment system. They realize they doubt something. They laugh at themselves and they do it anyway. They don't put a magnifying glass on the doubt. They ignore it and move on. I see the doubt and think, Oh, isn't that something? Let's tune it in. Let's make it bigger. Let's get closer to magnify. Oh, that's big. You know, it used to be a pebble. Now it's a mountain. Oh my God. Any other magnifiers out here? and I gravitate to the doubt itself and because not only do I live in self-doubt I also have a strange kind of fear that's inexplicable to me it's called in our book Alcoholics Anonymous self-centered fear fear I'm going to lose something I already possess or fail to get something I demand so not only am I doubting myself Now I'm afraid I'm going to lose everything I've already got and I ain't going to get what I want or demand. And then I fancy myself sufficient. While I'm filled with doubt, afraid I'M GOING TO LOSE IT and know I'M NEVER GOING To GET IT. Thank you, I got it. I don't need your help. I can circle the drain all by myself. Thank you. And then, I fail in self-reliance because I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps. Right? Is that the word? Yeah. We failed utterly. that is the cycle of an agnostic. Does anybody identify with that? Now here's where a drink is wonderful. It extemporarily removes me from this and makes me feel confident, alive, capable. Remember, able, intelligent, friendly. Does this sound like someone who's able, intelligent, and friendly? I don't care what your IQ test is. Really it's irrelevant. because this person is not capable. I bet you we're not very friendly either, unless we want something. By the way, that's not called friendly. That's called manipulative. Any other manipulators in the room? I could put on a face that would just baffle you. I had no idea that that was because I was disconnected from the needed power to live according to chapter 4. Why am I disconnected? Here's the idea of God. Deep down inside every man, woman, child is the fundamental idea of God. Tells me on page 55 what my problem is. It says, though it may be obscured. Obscured means it's there, you just can't see it. And if you can't See it, you can stab at it. What's the chances you're going to hit that plug spot on? This is a big wall. Could you imagine if there was only one outlet? And it was pitch black. and we all had plugs there would be human carnage in this room we'd be trying to plug into each other I'm like that kid with his umbilical cord obscured, hidden from view we know something's there quote, idea of God we know even if you're atheist, you still know about the idea because you're busy proving it's not true in order to prove something ain't true you gotta have an idea that it exists so you can prove it doesn't isn't that interesting I find that interesting they're busy trying to prove something they're thinking about doesn't exist that's amazing to me that's like saying water's not wet water ain't wet who cares yeah but it ain't wet it's like could you imagine a fish think about this for a minute I love this one I used to fish I'm going to call me a fish probably a carp I'm a baby carp and there's a bunch of us baby carps and I want to be the leader so I tell the other baby carp follow me where are we going I don't know. And then big carp comes along. Hey, fellas! Boil in the water great this morning? Yeah. What's water? So I don' t tell the other little carps I don''t know. I say, follow me. Let's go find water. We spend the rest of our carp life looking for water. And the old carps go like this. Sad but true, isn't it? God's the same way. The idea of God. Where's God? And you know I know a lot of people and I was one who run around seeking God and nowhere in our book does it say that. It doesn't say we're seeking God. It says God's will. Aha, different Different, isn't it? Ooh, what's will? No Andrew Have you seen God's will I mean We don't know, do we As silly as that is, isn't that accurate? So I'm going to suggest to you that we're going to not worry about God's will until tomorrow. But we're gonna find out how we've been living by what we made up to be God's well. Made a decision to turn my will into my life. My will, since I can't plug into this idea of God because it's obscured by calamity, pomp and worship. Calamity. The results I get in my life when I attempt to live my life by self-will or I allow you to impose your will in my life unadvidedly. Calamity takes place, chaos. And because I'm chaotic inside, my will is filled with chaos. Pomp, an exacerbated sense of self-importance. Needing to be bigger than what I am. I'm never big enough or I'm not invisible enough given the circumstances. I am not what Chuck C. referred to and this is in our big book, we're at 12 and 12. 12 and 13. I'm Not Right-Sized. So pomp means I am not right-sized in my perception of the world. I'm not good enough, smart enough, tall enough, big enough. Get it? Worship of other things. Obsession. That includes the big book. Any obsession that takes me away from the power. And since I'm obscured from the needed power to live, I can't plug into it. So what do I plug into? The wainster. looks like I've got a swimming problem they start saying I've gotta think do you get it? it begins to look like I've GOT A THINKING PROBLEM what I've done is I've plugged into myself self will runs riot but it looks like a lot of other stuff to the untrained eye I got to unplug here, and I did. What'd I plug into? I plugged into king alcohol. And then when alcohol failed me, I plugged in to violence. Some people plug in to drugs. Some people bug in to pot. Some people pug in to food. Some people mug in to sex. Faultily, I'm not talking about the average non-extreme. You understand? What else? Gambling? What other forms have we plugged in too? It's not an indictment if you say one. People? Oh, faulty dependency on people. Money? Medication. Medication? Success. Success? Love. You mean obsessively trying to achieve success? Love. Kids. Kids. How many of you have had an obsession with love? You ever heard, you're so much in love with the idea of love, you ain't got time to be in love? I think you know nothing about it I'll tell you work any work anybody obsessed with work okay we're going to talk about after the break when Tina is going to start us on step 4 we're gonna talk about a syndrome that I think is responsible for killing more alcoholics in AA than alcohol itself and it's called the syndrome of faulty emotional dependencies and escaping that inextricable calamity is humanly impossible but spiritually logical, I promise so let's take an hour for lunch