Not Forgiving Yourself Is Putting Yourself Above Higher Power — That’s What Kept Me Out Ten Years – Russ M.

Hey everyone, let's have an AA meeting. My name's Tim and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later
will be able to understand the importance of the Bible and the Bible itself.
On aabluechipspeakers.org, desperately indeed, we'll hear our speaker,
and we believe it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems
that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I'm one of them too, I must have this thing.
I'm glad we had a good turnout for Russ.
Russ McSee currently resides in Gainesville.
It is...
early days of sobriety.
He was very involved in this meeting at NABBA.
He's got a long history here, and he'll be able to tell you a little about that.
I've been going to meetings with Russ for about nine years,
but the first time we ever met,
he rode his motorcycle down here on a stormy night.
It was cold and stormy, and he was wearing the leather and the chaps,
been wearing the goggles, and so he's got mud on his forehead,
and his cheeks, and he's dripping right down here on the second row, right there.
And he's got his man spread going, and it's the first time he'd been back.
It was an important ride for him, and I guess he'll tell you about that too,
but I asked him where he came from.
I was like thinking he just rode in from Nevada or something,
and he goes,
Gainesville, Georgia.
I said, so did I, but I was dry.
It meant something to him to get here that night.
And so that was a big night,
and I have seen him work in this program for the last nine years.
I mean, tooth and nail.
He is at so many meetings.
He works with so many sponsees.
One of my favorite guys in recovery.
Russ, please come up.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jim.
My name's Russ McCall, and I'm very grateful to be an alcoholic.
I'm going to be late for my own funeral, I swear.
I suffer from ADHD, and I tell my story different every time it evolves.
And I will try to tell you what I was like,
what happened to me, and what I'm like today.
I look around these walls here, and I just feel ghosts, you know,
ghosts of beautiful people that I love very much.
Scott Chief, who I coined the phrase from Stan Parks,
who some of you...
You may know.
But he tried to 12-step me when he was just in his first year, I believe, downstairs.
And I'm one of those revolving door kind of guys, once upon a time.
And I'm going to tell you how I work.
So, people say how I work in my program is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's not my program.
You know, if you work the steps, you will find that there is only one result of the 12 steps,
and that's the spiritual awakening.
I'm going to tell you all basically two different stories.
And I'm going to give you a little bit of my background.
I'm 67 years old.
I pickle well.
I was born in 1950 to...
I was born into a family of overachievers.
You know what I mean?
My grandfather was the head Baptist missionary of Cuba for 20 years
and had the highest honor bestowed on any American citizen
before Batista kicked all the Americans out.
I heard that story all my life.
I never knew any of my grandparents except for one grandmother.
My father was a small-town doctor.
He was a surgeon.
He blessed six of us children with Dupuytren's,
which is that your fingers draw up.
But he had to quit being a surgeon,
and he became a small-town MD up in Ackworth, Georgia.
That's where I'm from.
To this day, there are a lot of people in Ackworth that think both my parents were doctors.
Not the case.
My mom had a degree in English,
but she knew as much about medicine as my father,
and I think she was a better doctor than anyone.
I never let my father give me any injections.
But, you know, he would take her out on house calls,
and now they have NPs and all that kind of stuff.
But she was also the first woman mayor,
elected in 1956.
My mom was a Cuslock sailor,
and she wasn't scared of anybody.
And she helped Daddy out.
And anyway, she registered all the African-American people in 1956,
which wasn't too cool, you know.
All right.
And Ackworth is...
Ackworth is a mill town.
It had two mills in it.
And I'm the only poor doctor's son you'd probably ever meet.
There were six children in the McCall family.
My oldest brother died five years ago.
He died sober.
I remember trying to 12-step him when I was drinking,
and he said,
a lot of good, that did you?
I said, yeah, but it will work.
I know it works, you know.
You can't 12-step.
Somebody when you're drunk.
I'm going to tell you all what not to do now.
My mother always wanted me to be a preacher
because she could say,
you can tell everybody what not to do
because you done done it, you know.
I was a bad little boy.
I was the bad McCall boy.
Mama had basically two sets of children.
The three big kids, and she waited five years
and then had three little kids.
I'm the oldest of the three little kids.
And all my older brothers and sisters were high achievers.
I had all the teachers, and I got,
why can't you be like Moses Hammond, Sue?
And, you know, I heard that horse manure all my life.
And I was an asthmatic child.
I always seek attention.
I always seek attention.
I, you know, I used to lie awake at night
thinking about what I could do, bizarre,
you know, to get attention.
I'm serious that I worked at DeKalb Board of Health
for 35 years, 34, 33 and a half actual years.
But I was an environmentalist.
I'm retired now.
I should have been fired a thousand times.
I did some real bizarre stuff
that they still talk about.
How I kept myself,
my job was a miracle.
And speaking of miracles,
I'm going to talk about God,
Scott Sheaf,
or whatever y'all want to call him,
power greater than yourself.
I had two miracles happen this past week.
And I've been pissed off at God all day,
pissed off at my wife.
I've just been moving furniture by myself,
totally disjointed,
and did not have a clue of what I was going to say.
And then, damn, I'm on 985
and I got 28 minutes to get here.
And I was doing 100 miles an hour trying to get here.
But God in His infinite wisdom
has a way of always protecting my butt.
And I don't deserve it.
Last Sunday,
I had arrowed a deer.
Harvested a deer.
I killed it, okay?
And it ran around the cove.
I live on Lake Lanier.
And my backyard is a precipice.
You know, it's just right there.
And the lake's down and there's a bank.
And then I live on a shallow end of a big, deep cove.
Well, being the brain surgeon that I am,
um,
I just,
well, I'm going to get my canoe.
I don't want to drag that damn thing
all the way up around the bushes
and all that kind of good stuff.
And I've got all kinds of insulation on
and rubber boots and all that kind of stuff.
So I decide I'm going to get my canoe
and I'm just going to paddle to the end of the cove
and throw that buck in there
and, you know, come up easier, softer way.
We always look for that easier, softer way.
And,
uh,
my little inner voice,
which we should listen to most of the time.
I didn't.
Uh,
I said I ought to put a rope on that thing
and let it down slow
because there's snow on the ground and the leaves.
And like I say,
it's,
it's steep incline.
Well,
I have it behind me.
And all of a sudden the end of the canoe kind of swaps
in.
And it knocks my legs out from under me
and I fall backwards into the front of the canoe
and the inertia just took me like a rocket.
I knew what was coming,
that bank.
And,
uh,
you know,
I was flopping around trying to,
you know,
jump out of the damn thing.
I couldn't do it.
I was going too fast.
And it happened so quick.
And I zipped off of that bank.
But,
by that time I had been able to flip the damn canoe and I landed upside down in the water.
Uh,
I didn't even,
I didn't even hit the dirt.
I hit the water.
I was going so fast.
And the canoe trapped me underneath the water and I'm struggling to get my breath and all that kind of stuff.
Of course,
my wife doesn't know where I'm at.
Uh,
no fishermen on the lake.
My neighbor,
uh,
they're up in Jasper.
So,
either the buzzards would have found me or my dog if my wife would have let him out maybe six or seven hours later.
But I was laying on my back in about two and a half,
three feet of water and I finally got a little bit of air and was just about able to get out from under just to push my boat and my canoe off of me.
But I can swim like a fish.
But I almost drowned and it scared the bejesus out of me.
And,
um,
you know,
I give that credit to Scott.
She,
uh,
he saved me so many times and so many times.
He say so many people on the road when I drove a drunk and I only drove drunk with days that ended in Y and,
um,
I was in a,
I loved to get in.
The car and ride around,
you know,
drinking.
That's what we did in the sixties and seventies.
Didn't didn't do other things until the early seventies.
But I can tell you one Friday afternoon I was melancholy and my girlfriend had just broken up with me and I wrote around 285 and it was 64.5.
And my girlfriend had just broken up with me and I wrote around 285 and it was 64.5.
And it was 64.5.
And it was 64.5.
And it was 64.5.
And it was 64.5.
And it was 64.5.
And it was 64.5.
And it was 64.2 miles on the inside.
And then I wrote around the other way.
It took me about three six packs of beer to ride around that far and I think it was 64.2 miles.
But you know,
we do bizarre stuff like that and alcohol led me down paths that it was fun for a while.
Um,
but it got scary drunk,
scared,
scared drinking.
You know,
when you're drinking against your will,
and you're crying in your beer and you don't want to have that drink,
that's some pretty damn scary drinking.
Um,
getting back to my family,
um,
my mother was elected mayor four times and,
um,
my father was,
oh,
did I mention he was a barbiturate addict and my mother was an amphetamine addict.
My mama was a drunk and my father,
I never saw him drink,
but I had about a 400% pre-drink.
I had a predestined chance to be socially unacceptable and I was sickly with asthma all my life.
The only good thing about asthma,
it kept me from going to Vietnam.
I flunked my physical because of my asthma and it kind of went away when I started smoking cigarettes.
No figure.
I mean,
I tell doctors that,
and they look at me like I fell off a turnip truck,
but I don't like doctors either.
Um,
my mama's brother was attorney general of the state of Georgia for 20 years.
So,
um,
you know,
he,
he,
he couldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole.
I would have killed him politically really big time because,
um,
I was always getting into trouble.
Um,
he was not willing to help me.
Um,
when it came to the treatment process,
I was pretty busy.
I was just in a drink,
and I was drinking and I was drunk and all.
And I was upset,
um,
and,
and,
and,
and,
and I was drunk.
And,
um,
you know,
I didn't go looking for it.
It found me.
But when you drink like I drank,
um,
or I drank,
then,
um,
bad things happen to us.
We all know how to drink.
I'm not going to try to make this a drunk along.
Um,
my expertise was on-site sewage disposal I'm a hockeyologist you know I know my shit usually
I try to keep it in one side but not necessarily so all the time and excuse my language I try to
print we try to clean up our language when we get sober you know I was always taught if you
tell your story you wear a coat and you wear a tie and you you you give some other suffering
alcoholic that's had a few days under their belt we give each other hope and that's what I want to
bring that's what my message message is tonight is to give you hope
I think I left my big book on top of my car and my watch my cigarettes I drove down here
a hundred miles an hour and I didn't have a cigarette or anything to smoke and pray and
you know I wasn't gonna get pulled over but you know at least it wouldn't go to jail for a DUI
which I
I'm a master of DUIs.
Not as many as some, but six is my lifetime batting average.
And the first one was running the chief of police of Ackworth off the road.
And that was after he let me go a week before.
And because who I was, or not who I was, who my family was, I got away with some stuff.
But I also learned to fight real early in my life.
Because growing up in a mill village, you know, it's a hard life.
You know, and being a doctor's son, everybody thought I was rich.
My family was rich and all.
And my father, if he got paid, he got paid somebody keeping his bird dogs or maybe some greens or whatever.
You know, that's just the way it was.
When I got grown and had to go to doctors of today, I wouldn't give Aaron a drug for any of the doctors.
I know of, you know, basically.
But they are overworked and all that.
But my father and mother both went out on house calls in the middle of the night.
I've seen dead people on our front porch.
I've seen this, that, and the other, you know, as a young child.
My older brothers and sisters went to college.
I was the oldest at home.
I knew what to do when my father would go into convulsions.
I've been a lot of different programs.
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon.
I don't gamble because I don't like to lose money.
But I don't gamble because I know I like it too much, you know.
I did go to one N.A. meeting once upon a time.
And I think a long-timer in N.A. might have.
Five years, I don't know.
But I'm not trying to say anything bad about N.A.
But the language that is used there is straight off the street.
And I don't like it.
You know, we clean up ourselves.
And we clean up our language.
And when I first hit the doors of A.A.
Well, let me give you my background.
I had my first drink at 12 years old.
My oldest brother bought me a half can of Budweiser.
And, Lord, I wish I could have gotten drunk off of a half can of Budweiser again.
But I was toasted.
And fell in Dick's Creek trout fishing.
But I liked it, you know.
I didn't have to think about all the, you know, the embarrassing moments.
And can't have anybody over at the house because of my father.
I was going to write a book.
My sister's trying to write a book.
Or piss me off to make me write a book.
And I was going to entitle it, Tell Them Daddy's Sick.
I was made to lie for my father.
We all were.
And we all, it was a big family secret.
But it wasn't that big of a secret, you know.
Crazy can't hide for very long.
Or addiction can't hide for a long time.
And.
I had.
My wife is a psychiatric nurse practitioner of all things, you know.
And I got a sign that I have by Doug Dynasty.
And it's one of the guys that says,
Just because you're smart doesn't mean you're smart.
You know what I mean?
And that's about the way my wife is.
She's also in the fellowship.
But, you know, some of us are just too hip, slick and cool and smart for the program, you know.
And I had heard about Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I hit the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Well, I called first.
It was 1977.
I don't know if any of y'all know Brian.
Brian.
Uh, why, uh, this, around, if you go to the men's meeting, you know, Brian, he's been around since, uh, 1977 and, um, I used to give him rides, uh, but I called AA because, you know, I had, I knew I had a problem, uh, on my second DUI, I ran the Georgia State Patrol off the road on my brother, baby brother's graduation day.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh.
So, you know, I don't do well, uh, behind the steering wheel.
Uh, I break out in handcuffs.
I'm not proud of it, but I shudder to think of all the people that I could have possibly killed, you know, driving.
Didn't care about me.
I, I would have loved to have died.
But I could not live knowing that, um, I killed another human.
Uh, because of my drunk driving.
Um, but I'd never thought about that when I was behind the wheel, you know.
I was always at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Those damn cops, you know, they'd just come out of nowhere.
And, like I say, I carried a badge and it got me out of trouble a lot of times.
I, uh, if it wasn't slurring too bad, I could kind of talk my way out of it.
I, uh, I carried this special officer's car, too.
Um, my last one, though, uh, when I threw it at the cop, I had a motorcycle on top of me in my, uh, driveway.
I thought I was safe, but I was on the county driveway.
We got about two or three hours, don't we, Tim?
Okay.
Uh, anyway, uh, I used to race motocross.
I got scars.
I got all kinds of pins and screws holding my shoulders.
And I threw that thing at him, you know, how arrogant we can get, you know.
And threw it, threw that special officer's car at him and told him, don't give me any crap.
I'm, I'm one of you, you know.
He showed me how much he could give me.
But that man saved my life, really, because that was, uh, that was July 17th, 19.
Eighty-three.
Uh, my first sobriety date was July 25th, 1983.
And I had been in and out of AA since 1977.
Uh, one of my sponsors, B.J. Smith, uh, he's now deceased, uh, married me and my first wife.
Um, and...
Bessie Hart, she's divorced her sixth husband and, uh, lives with her mother up in the Atkinville, North Carolina.
I was the husband number four, so.
Uh, she's a little bit on the bipolar side, but, uh, I, I went, it's always my fault, though,
because I was an alcoholic, but she never saw me drink.
And I used that, being married for the first five years, um,
before, I never chaired meetings.
And I remember coming here for the first, my first AA birthday, and I hadn't had a home group.
I hadn't chaired a meeting.
Y'all didn't, uh, y'all didn't have a cake for me.
I wasn't feeling special.
I pissed off, you know.
I went into treatment at Ridgeview at 18 months sober.
I, I was trying to make, if I listen to Larry Klinger, I don't know if any of y'all know any of these people.
You know, Roland Brice was, uh, he was responsible for me starting to chair meetings.
He told me I didn't have enough sobriety to, and I had five years of sobriety, and I knew the big book backwards and forwards.
Been in and out, or been to Ridgeview, but I was always good at manipulating people.
Um, uh, I flunked back.
Uh, I just went long enough.
To be able to tell a judge what he wanted to hear, you know, and as always, I'll be a good boy.
I, I, I said that prayer, dear God, please, if you just get me out of this one, I'll never drink again.
The first time I ever said that prayer, and I meant it, my, two of my best friends, and I was supposed to go with them.
We were all at a party, and they went to the Crystal.
And they,
uh, over by Kennesaw Junior, well, it isn't Kennesaw Junior anymore, but Kennesaw College.
And, uh, they, they died in a car wreck, car crash.
And they tried to get me to go with them, and I didn't go.
Um, and I remember I had a fifth of liquor saved.
I, I was only 19.
I, uh, my baby sister and I turned legal drinking age the same year.
Uh, in 1971.
That pissed me off.
Uh, I drank on fake IDs in any way I could get it until age 21.
And then Georgia lowered the drinking age limit to 18.
You know, it really did.
And, what could I say, you know, and.
But I, I remember giving my oldest brother Moe's.
fifth of liquor that I had saved for the weekend and I said take this I'm never
going to drink again not and I had nightmares and I cried for a year after
that every night a nightmare and I think about the times how many times that I
never knew about that scotchy interceded in my life second miracle that happened
this past week was can everybody hear me I got hearing aids and I didn't put
them in because I did it to appease my wife and she got tired of interpreting
the television set when I had it full blast and
they have that background music and I said Nancy what'd they say you know huh
you know it's time and anyway I was brought up not to talk about how much
things cost but I broke down we got me some hearing aids and I'm not gonna tell
you how much it cost but I could have bought a brand-new 1963
Corvette brand-new and had more money left over than what those damn hearing
aids cost so I'm in Harbor Freight day before yesterday and I'm trying to buy
some stuff and I'm driving home and all of a sudden that thing would big thing I
call them earplugs or whatever I don't know when you get my age you can call
anything anything
you know and people understand but it was gone and I've got an Android phone
that you can look at it and you can find where you've lost it so I hotel at
home and in a panic I get Nancy to look in my clothing you know maybe it fell
off and big coat I had one there
so I hotilled it back to Harbor Freight and I parked kind of off to the side and
parked where I thought it parked and I'm looking around parking lot and there's I
can't get a signal it's up for my left ear and I looked over in the next the very next
parking space and I'll be John Brown you know I touched it in about an hour over my side
of my seat although I just didn't really feel it there's that hearing aid knowЛе forehand
over and I feel it at teacher's σan and then I didn't really keep my teeth up and I'm here on campus and I'm classed over and so on and I sat in the grave and I got dressed because the car stopped and then I wanted to be on campus and they sent me this feeling of being a reporter woman
that I could have run over
or anybody in the whole world could have run over
and it was there, lying there
in perfect working order.
And I don't believe in luck.
I used to.
You know, how lucky am I?
I believe in faith, you know.
It's a spiritual axiom.
Faith and fear cannot coexist.
I used to not have any faith.
I was baptized at 10.
I was a double dunker.
I got re-baptized.
I probably ought to get re-baptized again
in that creek right down there.
You know, I always wanted to be
this perfect little Christian for God.
I'd be balls to the wall
and then I'd burn out
because I couldn't be perfect.
You know?
And then I'd start slacking off
on my daily rituals
and stuff like that.
All of a sudden, that self-will run riot
comes back and bites me on the butt
and God sort of taps me on the shoulder
and then He might hit me
in the upside of the head
or have one of His little uniformed officers
introduce me to the gated community.
Down there on Memorial Drive.
Been there, done that.
Did not like it
and did not get a t-shirt.
But I hit the doors of AA in 1977
trying to get my old girlfriend back
but I went to the old Biscayne room
which was on Peachtree Street
where they have a motor park and ride.
And it was different back in those days.
And I can remember
that first meeting
I'd found my church.
I had a truck
that had a camper
that you could walk through the back window
and I was going to go pick up
every wino on Peachtree Street
and bring them in to AA
and I was going to save them.
You know?
Because I'd found
a church.
And I was going to go pick up
and it was just magic to me.
Because people kind of understood that.
I was young though.
I was 27 years old.
I always
I cleaned up real well
because I didn't know what to expect
but I knew I better be
kind of dressed up
and so I was dressed
you know with a coat and tie on
and walked into an AA meeting.
I didn't know what the hell
I was walking into.
But
the third night I was there
there was a
friend of mine that worked with
DeKalb Board of Health
and
this was one of the most beautiful men
I've ever known.
His name was Dave Clark
and
after he retired
he would pick up
garbage on
windway
you know just
but he called me
every day
every birthday
he played a flute
and he would
wish me a happy birthday
and he played
happy birthday on
on the flute.
I mean this went on for decades
until he passed.
Beautiful man
but he was there
the third night
and
I saw him there
and I was
I did not want anybody to know
I was in an AA meeting
and if there had been
some kind of
crack I could have crawled down into
I would have done it.
I just went up to him and said
Hey Dave
my name is Russell
and I'm an alcoholic.
You know I didn't know what else to say.
He was there checking
and getting TB.
You know
the health department
had given him three TB scans
and I remember
there's a young
older man named Wesley
and they had a detox room there
and
I mean he was having to
hold his cough with both hands
and
Maggie Harrison
I don't know if any of y'all remember Maggie but
I kept going
um
and
back then
when I came back to AA
the format had changed.
I didn't even know they had a fourth edition
and people just
talked
you know off
whatever that
you know
they'd just start talking.
I wasn't used to that.
I've been in meetings here at 545 or whatever
eight o'clock
you gotta raise your hand
and a good discussion leader
if you didn't have
you know some sobriety in there.
I didn't
everybody knows
who's got sobriety and who doesn't.
I could hold my hand up all
meeting
and not get called on.
I remember
Maggie was
leading the discussion
and you had to stand up
and I stood up
raised my hand stood up
and I was so scared I said
my name's Russell
and I'm a gracious alcoholic.
And I meant to say grateful, but I said gracious.
I was so scared.
And after everybody left, and Maggie looked at me dead,
and I actually said, sit down and shut up.
You can't be a saint by thirsty.
And I didn't open my mouth again for a long time.
And people said, well, maybe you ought to try to go over to Nava.
They got some young people there.
And so I started going to Nava.
And this was my 1977.
I gave it a good hard try, but I couldn't let go of my friends,
all my great drinking buddies and all that.
You know, I was having too good a time.
And eventually I didn't pick up my red chip,
didn't go to any more meetings.
And when you hang out with your old playmate in the playground,
it's going to come back.
And bite you on the butt, and you're going to say,
damn, how did I get drunk again?
You know, cunning, baffling, and powerful.
I did that so many times.
And I kept wondering why.
I knew I was an alcoholic.
And I knew that this program worked.
I tried to convince them.
I'm a brother of that.
A lot of good it did you.
Anyway, in between my fourth and fifth DUI,
I trashed, well, I went to bat for some other buddies of mine.
They trashed Helen Dorsen.
I almost went to prison for a year.
And that scared me.
And that judge, James E. Palmer III, I'll never forget him.
He said, against my better judgment, I'm going to give you a year's probation.
But you'll be back in front of me because you'll break that probation.
And I went up there to clear one of my buddies' names.
And he was stupid enough to put his credit card on the, you know, the bill.
But I was going to fall on the sword for everybody.
And all I took was two fire extinguishers.
I didn't do all the rest of the crap that they did.
But about 20 miles down the road, I looked over at Ron.
And I said, that guy ain't never going to see me again.
And two weeks to the day, I got my fifth DUI.
And I said, mm-mm, I'm going to prison.
Well, I just happened to luck out.
I knew people that knew people that were very important people.
And it ain't like that today.
I mean, DUI court, drug court, they're serious.
You get, you screw up.
You get a 24-hour stay in the gated community.
You screw up twice, maybe a week.
You get kicked out, and you do whatever time's remaining.
Jason Deal is the judge up in Gainesville.
He's a beautiful, beautiful man.
And he actually loves the people that come up in front of him.
I have great respect for him.
And I have great respect for the program.
And I have tremendous respect for AA.
Did y'all know that Bill Wilson got released from Towns Hospital on this day in 1930?
34.
34, yeah.
December 17th, he was released from Towns Hospital.
I'm reading a book that Tim gave me about Abby Thatcher.
And that's Bill's first sponsor, or only sponsor he ever really talked about.
And we owe a tremendous amount of gratitude to Abby for 12th step in Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
If you really want to get into the founding history of it, it's fascinating how just
everything fell into place and there's no mistakes in God's ordered world.
I'm supposed to be here, you know.
Right now, there's one person in this room that is supposed to hear my message.
Don't know who it is, but I hope I saved your life tonight.
After that fifth DUI, I knew I was going to prison, but I had somebody help me one last
time.
And then two years later, that sixth DUI, and after one of my restaurant owners wanted
to drive me home, that's when the motorcycle wound up on top of me.
That's when I had that spiritual awakening.
That was what I needed to realize.
And it was the time when I was authentically
trying not to have food on my hands.
That's when I had that spiritual awakening.
Not then.
I was too hungover the next day.
But, I had a little Lucy camper, you know.
And I got on that camper.
If there is a God, please help me if there is a me.
And I started going to meetings, and I was serious.
I mean, I was serious every time, but this time it was for real, and it stuck.
I got married.
My sponsor, BJ, married me.
I met my wife, well, July 25th, met my wife October 3rd.
We got engaged on my birthday, October 9th, and got married January 1st.
So I wouldn't forget the anniversary, but we got married in BJ's office.
And he twelved something.
He said, Russell, aren't you tired of buying me new cars?
And I said, yeah.
But because I wanted to make nine steps amends to an old girlfriend,
I bought a car behind my new bride's back,
and I happened to know this shrink in the meeting,
and talked to him to let me go to Ridgeview.
And if I listened to Larry Klinger, I'd probably still be married to my first wife.
But 20 months ago,
I thought, well, I knew AA backwards and forwards.
Anyway, they had me crying in group.
So, long story short, I'm running out of time.
Is it 9 o'clock?
Oh, shit.
Okay.
I didn't get sober.
Okay.
I'm sober 15 years.
I'm a GSR here.
I didn't get involved in the program until five years.
I went through a divorce, sober, and 15 years.
I had a girlfriend that was half my age.
My ego got out of balance.
I quit going to meetings so much.
I used to go to Ichi Pai dances, but I put God in the backseat.
And believe it or not, I picked up a beer on a Friday afternoon
and 20 minutes later, I got a beer.
And 24 beers later, I was puking all over myself and said,
well, I got that out of my system.
I'll never do that again.
And four days later, just like Big Book said,
I'm back at it harder than ever and added a lot more other
substances to my 10 years that I stayed out.
And my sister contracted West Nile virus.
My wife got in some trouble.
And our dog died nine years ago.
A little over nine years ago, catapulted me into humbling myself again
before God, because I was so ashamed I could not make it back.
And when most people with double digit sobriety, we kill ourselves.
We do.
And I am I'm very blessed that I was that God showed me the grace.
And see, I couldn't forgive myself.
When you put yourself when you can't forgive yourself,
you're putting yourself before above God.
Anyway, he is a magnificent God.
He saved me twice this week.
I'm so, so happy about my nine years.
It hadn't been easy.
This past nine years.
But this too shall pass.
We do it one day at a time.
And I promise you, if you keep coming back, you will have a miracle happen in your life.
Had two of them this week.
And if nobody's told you that they love you, let me tell you, I love you.
I do each and every one of you.
I wish the best for you.
And I hope that you can stay sober tonight.
And hopefully thank God in the morning.
Do that third step prayer and asked him to intervene for divine intervention.
Because I can't get myself out of the way.
I didn't get myself sober.
Scott, she did it and the love and support that you will find.
These meetings.
Is the fellowship, but the steps is where the magic happens.
Don't drink, clean up, come back to meeting and work with others.
And you'll be amazed.
I tend to live in South Peterville, population one.
You know, that don't work when I'm working with another alcoholic.
My life is beautiful.
Thank you all for letting me.
Thank you, Russ.
Next year, when you're celebrating 10, well, we'll let you start over for part two.
Definitely want to hear about that.
The last 10 years, June, would you please give up?
June, I'm an alcoholic.
And here there is a chip system to mark your time away from your last drink.
There is a white chip.
If you want to come in and start this way of life or you're coming back.
Silver chip for 30 days.
There's a red chip for 90 days.
Yellow for six months.
Green for nine months.
Blue for years and multiple.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
We won't get out of here.
Hey, my name is Alonzo Johnson.
I'm an alcoholic.
And it's my really great pleasure to give my friend and sponsee his seven year chip.
Now, hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I first met him kind of like in a treatment center.
And he scared me.
Over time, he scared me less the more work he did.
So if there's anybody here, any guy that needs a sponsor and needs some help, check him out.
I'm so happy.
Get as many more as you like.
Everybody, I'm Mike.
I'm an alcoholic.
And like, this is seven.
It started right here.
You know, all I can say is if in a year I would have written down what I had hoped for,
I would have sold it so far short, it would have just been criminal.
If you just keep coming back and diving in, turn it over to God, pray and continue to work hard at it.
It's truly amazing what can happen.
Thank you.
We'll offer the white chip one more time.
All right.
Thank God and your sponsor for the chips you hold.
Thank you, Jim.
Okay.
So thank you all, one and all, for joining the blue chip speakers meeting.
I remind each of you that anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions.
I remind each of you that anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions.
And reminding us to place principles before personalities.
And reminding us to place principles before personalities.
And reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
Thank you, Jim.
Thank you, Jim.
We appreciate it.
Good-bye.
You're welcome.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
You too.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
And I truly hit a new low, came to it somewhere strange to me.
As I roll from town to town, can't put the bottle down.
Right now it feels like it's killing me.
Life out here gets so depressing.
Needs something to take the edge, you see.
I've got nowhere to hide, an empty hole inside.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
Seems like heaven's out to get me.
Trouble always following me.
Feeling like I just can't outrun.
A steaming sun all around me.
© transcript Emily Beynon
© transcript Emily Beynon
© transcript Emily Beynon
© transcript Emily Beynon
© transcript Emily Beynon
© transcript Emily Beynon
© transcript Emily Beynon