Not Forgiving Yourself Is Putting Yourself Above Higher Power — That’s What Kept Me Out Ten Years – Russ M.

About This Speaker Tape

Russ M. shares his story at the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club, tracing his path from a complicated upbringing in Ackworth, Georgia to finding lasting sobriety after decades of struggle. Born in 1950 into a family of overachievers — his grandfather was a Baptist missionary in Cuba, his father a small-town surgeon turned MD, and his mother the first woman elected mayor of Ackworth in 1956 — Russ grew up hiding his father's barbiturate addiction and his mother's drinking. He was the self-described "bad McCall boy," always seeking attention and fighting his way through a mill village where everyone assumed the doctor's son was rich.

Russ had his first drink at twelve and was hooked immediately. By his twenties he had racked up six DUIs, starting with running the Ackworth chief of police off the road. He first walked into AA in 1977 at the old Biscayne room on Peachtree Street in Atlanta, felt the magic instantly, but could not let go of his old drinking buddies. He cycled in and out for years, narrowly avoiding prison after trashing a restaurant with friends and talking his way out of consequences thanks to family connections. His first real sobriety date came July 25, 1983, after his sixth DUI left him pinned under a motorcycle in his own driveway.

He built fifteen years of sobriety, married, served as GSR, and knew the Big Book inside and out — then put Higher Power in the backseat, let his ego take over after a divorce, and picked up a beer on a Friday afternoon. Four days later he was drinking harder than ever, adding other substances, and stayed out for ten brutal years. The deaths and crises piled up until his sister contracted West Nile virus, his second wife got into trouble, and their dog died, all within a short window. That convergence of pain drove him back to his knees.

Now nine years sober again, Russ speaks with raw gratitude and hard-won humility. He tells two stories of what he calls miracles from that very week — nearly drowning after a canoe accident on Lake Lanier while retrieving a deer he had hunted, and finding a lost hearing aid unscathed in a parking lot. Both, he says, are evidence of a Higher Power who keeps saving him despite his best efforts to the contrary. His central message is that the steps produce spiritual awakenings, that self-forgiveness is essential because withholding it puts ego above Higher Power, and that anyone who keeps coming back will witness miracles of their own.

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Timestamps

• 0:00 Tim opens the Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club and introduces Russ, recalling the stormy night Russ rode his motorcycle down from Gainesville
• 4:30 Russ begins his story — family background in Ackworth, Georgia: surgeon father, trailblazing mother who was first woman mayor, grandfather who was a missionary in Cuba
• 10:00 Reveals his father was a barbiturate addict and mother an amphetamine addict and drinker — the family secret everyone was made to lie about
• 14:00 Two miracles this week — the canoe accident on Lake Lanier where he was trapped underwater and nearly drowned retrieving a deer he had hunted
• 22:00 Drinking history begins — first drink at twelve, driving drunk around I-285 after a breakup, six lifetime DUIs starting with running the chief of police off the road
• 30:00 First AA meeting in 1977 at the Biscayne room on Peachtree Street — felt like he had found his church, wanted to save every wino on the street
• 37:00 The gracious alcoholic moment — stood up terrified at a meeting, said gracious instead of grateful, and Maggie told him to sit down because you cannot be a saint by thirsty
• 42:00 Near-prison experience after trashing a restaurant, fifth DUI two weeks after promising the judge he would never return, connections saving him one last time
• 48:00 Relapse after fifteen years sober — ego, divorce, younger girlfriend, stopped going to meetings, picked up a beer and was back harder than ever within four days, stayed out ten years
• 54:00 Return to sobriety nine years ago, the inability to forgive himself, the lesson that withholding self-forgiveness puts ego above Higher Power, closing message of hope and love