Normal Thinking as a Foreign Language in Early Sobriety – Beth H.

Hi, my name is Beth Hartley. I'm an alcoholic. Because of the grace of God and the steps and fellowship of AA and sponsorship, I've been sober since June 26, 1988, and I'm very grateful for that. I always have to tell people, Cary, North Carolina borders Raleigh, and I am originally from Ohio. You'll hear about that later. And I moved to Cary and they told me that's where I had to live. I got sober in Cincinnati and I moved into North Carolina about four years ago And apparently Cary stands for Containment Area for Relocated Yankees. So if you ever want to move to North Carolina, you know where to come. But we love it there. We're really happy there. I want to thank the board for asking me to speak and Brandy for hosting me. It's always such an honor and a privilege. And to be here with friends and heroes, you know, to see Karen and Sean again and my favorite sponsor-in-law, Dick. And then this morning, I sponsor a lot of women. And periodically I will hear things from them like, you know, this guy asked me out and I think he's normal. He's not alcoholic. I think his normal. And I will say to them, if he wants to go out with you, how normal can he be? And I want to thank Rick for confirming that for me this morning. I'll take his talk home and let them all listen. And I guess our other big news, for those of you who haven't been near a TV yet, is Nebraska scored a few minutes ago, and they are now only down by two points, those of vous who are football fans. So if anybody happens to get the score, just give us a thumbs up from the back of the room if they won. First things first, I guess. Football. Anyway, it's so good to be here I love Alcoholics Anonymous Just the laughter here I spent a few years just not laughing toward the end I knew about AA from a very young age I went to AA meetings in 1966 As a 7 year old My dad got sober and I was the kid in the open meetings In the corner with the coloring book I knew that AA was all old men that drank coffee and smoked, because back then they smoked. Now, down on the floor where I was, you could kind of see, but, you know, it was old men that drank copy, smoked, and ate donuts. I knew I'd seen it myself, you now, so why would I want to go to AA? And I also meant that being in AA, I knew it meant don't drink. You know, I know it meant you didn't have to drink. My dad had told me the drama and tragedy of his drinking. I don't know if he ever told me that he had a good time. I just heard all the lost opportunity and, you know, crushed dreams and hopes. And I'll tell you, when I started to drink, I just felt really bad for him that he had such a hard time of it. I just think, you now, Dad, if you drank a little more like me, you could have hung in there longer. But so, you known, I knew AA was around. I didn't grow up with active alcoholism in the house. I'm an only child. You know, my mom, we didn't have violence. We didn't Have screaming. We didn'T have yelling. My mom is a cupboard door slammer. That's about as intense as it ever got around our house. And we always lived next door to a big family full of kids. So I would just kind of ingratiate myself into their family. I would Just morph in with them because at a young age, I couldn't stand to be alone. I could not sit still by myself because I had all of these people in my head, you know, from a very young age, who if I was alone in a quiet place would all start to talk to me. And what they told me was that you didn't like me and you just played with me because your mom made you, you know? And you saw me do that stupid thing last week or you saw мне fall down or you, you know, and nobody likes you. And I couldn't, you Know, it was too noisy to be anywhere by myself. So I always had to be in a crowd. You know, I had these principles that I lived by. Well, my first thing was, you know, at six years old I realized I was in Ohio. You know, you don't pay much attention before then, but I was born in California. I was apparently supposed to be a California girl. I thought I would have been a good California girl, I think. But my parents moved back to Ohio when I was two, and that was my first resentment at six years old. I was looking at a map of the United States and saw where Ohio was and saw California and Florida and Texas and, you Know, all these other places, and I look back at Ohio And I remember thinking in first grade that you could look at a map and tell nothing is happening in Ohio, you know. I wanted out. And, you know, I was embarrassed to tell people I was from Ohio. Now, where does that come from in first and second grade? You know, but I just hated it. As soon as I knew it was warm other places, that's where I wanted to be. And I had these other things going. I just had these principles that I lived by that, you know, I don't think my parents taught me. One was that it's not all right not to know. You know, don't ask a question. You know, for God's sakes, then everyone will know you don't know. I was doing fake it till you make it long before I got to AA because, you know, I can't ask anything because you'll know I don' t know and I must, you know I have to act as if. I have look like I know what's going on. I have too, you now, I wouldn't try anything new in front of anybody because what if I did it wrong? Then, you guys would all be talking about it forever. I never put together that people who were good at things maybe practiced, you know? It didn't occur to me and there's a story I tell about my daughter. I apologize to those of you who've heard it but it really illustrates to me how different my thinking was long before I drank because she was, well my kids were four and six when I got sober and not in my custody and my daughter's the younger, the four-year-old at the time, she just had a gleam in her eye, oh my god you know we just thought you know I mean we used to tell people you know most people save for college we're just saving for treatment and when she was 11 years old she wanted to be on a swim team a lot of her friends were on a swim team in Cincinnati and so we got her a few swimming lessons and she went and tried out and the coach said you could be on the team but you should practice down an age group because you can't keep up with your age group yet now that meant she would be swimming with the nine-year-olds as an 11 year old and that was okay with her um that that would not have been okay with me at 11 you know i i mean i'm always kind of ashamed to admit i was seven years sober when this was going on and i was having kind of a hard time being the mom of the 11 yearold that was swimming with the nine year olds because how's that gonna make me look you know if my kids swimming down an age group that was Okay with her and after two or three weeks she went to her first swim meet and And it was a big, you know, these were USS teams where they ran a lot of heats. And they put up the results. She was 70th out of 72. She went back the next day. I would have been trying to get my parents to relocate, you Know? And we told her, Sarah, you Now you have a baseline time. And if you beat your time in the next race, even if you don't win, if you Beat your time, you've had a successful race. And the whole time I'm telling her this, I'm like, right, you You know, where did they come up with this stuff? You know it's in the parent handbook. My parents told me the same thing when I swam. I never believed it you know and she beat her time and she was happy. Now the rest of that story is that two years later she was a state double-a swimmer. We swam all over the Midwest you know. I would have missed every bit of that the day they told me to practice with the nine-year-olds. I couldn't have done it. And what I saw was that at 11 years old, neither one of us ever had a drink. But we reacted to life completely differently, you know? And I began to wonder if maybe this is what normal thinking looks like. You know, I wasn't sure I'd ever seen it. I wouldn't recognize it. And she just went on doing weird stuff like that. She went on. You know somewhere she internalized, set a goal, worked for the goal, achieved the goal. I'm sure they tried to teach me that, but my outlook on life has pretty much always been just give me the goal. You know? I mean, practice. If it looked like work, I just didn't do it. And so I missed a lot. You know, I mean now I know I missed it. I missed you a lot, but she went on up into high school and, you know, came home her junior year. They opened up a Starbucks in our town, and she came home after school and said, oh, we went to the new Starbucks. And that's great. Who'd you go with? And she said, well, Lindsay, Katie, and Jennifer. And I just said, oh, her? And she looks at me and said, for God's sakes, Mom, that was sixth grade. Could you let it go? No. I don't like this girl. You know. So, you know, the lesson in all of that is that without ever having a drink, my thinking was so far off, you now. So far off. And the longer I'm sober and the more I read the book Alcoholics Anonymous, the more I see myself in there you know when I first read all the running the show and arranging the lights I thought well I could see how I did that when I drank you know and then I hung around a while and I could See You Guys doing it and and you know I'll never forget the first day sober you know probably six months or a year sober when I read that in chapter five and just went oh my god I did That last week, you know, and it began to dawn on me that alcoholism was my problem not alcohol, you know, that take away the alcohol and you still have a crazy person. And, uh, you know, the other rule that I lived by besides it's not all right not to know, and if it looks like work, don't do it was, um, was don't ever, ever, never, ever admit that you might have made a mistake. You know, don'T tell anybody you're wrong. Don't tell anybody. You're having second thoughts. Now I had a one night stand drag into a five-year marriage based on that principle. 20 days in we knew you know neither one of us was gonna cry uncle and it was a long five years but anyway I just couldn't you know I always thought everybody was looking at me I always though you were all talking about me I couldn't conversation escaped to me i don't know how to say anything after hi my name's beth you know and so when i would meet people and i'd say hi my names beth and she might say hi mine is lynn and i know it's my turn to talk you know i'm pretty sure now everybody in my head starts up say something you're just staring at her well don't say something now you look stupid what are you gonna say anyway it's cold outside you know I mean so they're all arguing i'm paralyzed and we have to leave. This was never enough to be Beth, you know? I just had a frenzy of activity through school. Like I said, I was in the midst of a big family and when I got farther into school, I always got good grades, not out of any hard work really. I'm just blessed with one of those test taker brains that I can look at it and spit it back out and not remember what I read two days later, which doesn't, it works great in treatment, but it doesn't work real well in AA. But I, you know, I did well in school, but I was on all these committee pep club and yearbook staff and student council and you name it, I was doing it. I was busy, busy, busy, busy because I couldn't stand to sit still. I couldn'T be alone with myself because it was too noisy. And I think the other thing that I've come to realize is it just wasn't enough being Beth. I felt like if I said, hi, my name's Beth you were just thinking so you know so I was Beth the cheerleader Beth the night auditor Beth Jim and Sally's daughter you know you name it there was always Beth does something because just being Beth one enough it's like I had to do this much stuff to feel like I could take up this much space you know feeling on my own I was this big and I couldn't I couldn'T fit in my space in the world, you know? I had to be way bigger than life to feel this big. And that's alcoholism, you know, that self-centered fear. And I drank at 15. I didn't fall down. I Didn't throw up, you know. I just got a warm, pleasant glow. I took my best friend out to drink with me so I'd have somebody to drink With, you Know, and that friendship didn't make it another year because we drank different from the beginning I mean within 12 months of taking that first drink my grades plunged my friends change you know everything on that al-anon list is your child doing this I was doing it all and uh and you know why I kind of skated through who knows I mean well we didn't really have a lot of adolescent treatment back then and I think my dad was getting ready to drink again and so I just kind of slid under the radar you know and in my life changed and I'll tell you all that busy, busy stuff went away. You know, some of it I gave away, some of it got taken away and some of its slipped away and I didn't even notice you know because alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful and I you know I was thrown off of cheerleading because apparently they frown on going to Green Beer Day instead of going to school. And you know, I just gave away other things here take you know which ultimately included my integrity in any sense of honor I had. And in any, any, my word being worth anything, I gave all that away and other things just slipped away. And, you know, one of the amazing things about being sober is I've gotten these pieces of my life back that I didn't even know were gone. You know, I remarried in sobriety and after my husband got his degree from University of Cincinnati, we got free football tickets. And we went, I grew up in a college town. I grewup in Oxford, Ohio, and it was a little college town and I mean, I was going to college football games at six years old. You You know, it's always been part of my life. And that had gone away too, and I didn't even notice. And we went to this football game. I was probably, I don't know when Chuck graduated, maybe five years sober. And, you know, we're in the stands, and the band's warming up over here, and the cheerleaders are running around. And I realized I had tears just streaming down my face because here was a whole piece of my Life Back that I hadn't even missed. I didn'T even know it was gone. And that's so much of what happens here, you Know, when I can realign my life with God's will, you know, and just start to do what I'm supposed to do, amazing things happen. And not only do I get back pieces I know I lost, but I get back pieces that I didn't know were gone. And, you know, you'll hear over and over and over if you're new. Are there people in their first 90 days? Anybody? Three people? Wow. A lot of old timers there. You know, sometimes I forget to say some basic things that happened early in sobriety which were you know my word became more something this is where i learned to show up this is my sponsor was the first committed relationship i ever honored you know i got my driver's license back i got get this by i don't know 15 months sober i have my license a car and insurance all at once my mother not only allowed me in her house she invited me into her home you know um my kids were allowed to go places with me those were not things i had when i got sober you know and uh and i don't know that they were even on my list you'll hear if you're new you know sometimes if you make a list of what you want you'll really sell yourself short and uh especially the last three or four years chuck and i have spent so much time just looking around going, God, this was not even on my list. You know? I mean, we're way past. All I wanted when I got here was my driver's license back and, you know, maybe like to not go to jail anymore. And, you Know, I anyway, I started drinking and I could drink a lot from the beginning. I loved to drink. I love to drink I wasn't a falling down drunk. I wasn'T a fighting drunk. To me, I'm sorry, but when fights break out, drinks get spilled, you KNOW? I got no use for people that fight. I just was, I was friendly, you know. I was very friendly by last call. Social, you might say. I was kind of a social drinker. But, of course, you knows, as bar drinkers, that's what we call dating. And, you now, I drank with the big boys because I could. You know, I didn't, who? I got to AA, and they said, you know, of course the first thing they tell you is hang out with the women. And I was horrified because, my God, I didn't even drink with women. I'm sober, and now you want me to hang out mit them? Because I don't know about you, but in high school when you're drinking with the girls, they're giggling and they fall down and they throw up and everybody likes the same guy. Some of them are known to wear pink in public. It just gets messier as to get older and I didn't have to drink with the girls because I could keep up with the men you know and I liked it that way. That was fine. I shot pool like pass good for a girl. I was just good if I had five bucks I could play pool all night you know. And I liked it thatway. So from the beginning I could drink a lot things went south from the start. I got out of high school just on the strength of my early non-drinking years. I went off to college at a Big Ten school in the middle of a 21 state i hadn't done my homework so i didn't have much access to alcohol there but i still flunked out because i couldn't go to class i you know because you come into class the first day and there's a person in two chairs and a person and i would sit i'd think i'm gonna talk to somebody today you know and i'd sit down say my name's beth my name is john can't go back there again you know i just couldn't do it and you know by 10 weeks into the semester i'm walking on campus and people were smiling and waving at each other and they all know each other. And I'm thinking, how do they do that? Well, you know, now I know it's because they all went to class the other nine weeks and they got to know each another. But I just couldn't do it, you Know. And I would not have told you I was a fearful person. When I did my first inventory, the only reason I had fear on it was because in the book it has fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, you know. Everyone, fear. And I thought, okay, if it threw everyone there, probably I have some. I'll just write it down. But I didn't have a clue you know I didn't have a clue in the big book when it says the world and its people dominated us I didn'T get that I drank with guys six feet six you know I drank With people in black leather I bartended places where people shot at each other You know I hung out with not very nice people I never really fought because like I said drinks get spilled when you fight And I don't like that but and I had a huge fear of getting humiliated in public That's the other reason I didnT fight because I knew I would lose and And, but you know, nobody, I looked like I would hit you. You know what I mean? So nobody really messed with me. So that domination, you know being dominated by other people. I didn't get that because, well because nobody, you know, I just, all I could relate to was a physical domination and I couldn't see that. And you know what, I've come to understand is that what dominated me was what you thought of me. You know, what dominated me was who do I have to be so you'll like me? Who do I have to be so you'll accept me? Who do I have to be so you'll take me out or buy me a drink or whatever and then not to have all those worlds collide you know I was dominated by not even what you thought of me but I was dominated by what I thought you thought me you know my self-esteem has nothing to do with what I think of me my self esteem has everything to do with what I think you think of so I spent my entire life trying to arrange your perception of me so that I could live comfortably in my space you know that's what it comes down to. That was my running the show and arranging the scenery. I had to arrange your perception of me so that I could be okay. That dominated my life, and that's what the book is talking about, I think, you know, that the world and its people dominated me. And, you know, my college career was brief. I came back to Ohio thinking I disgraced my parents because, you know, we were in a college town. And so I got a job in a bank because that was kind of the next most respectable thing to do and that that wasn't working out at all they work monday mornings and i'm not a monday morning kind of a girl and uh you know a friend of mine said we should go to florida and i said yes we should and we took off you know we just took off he had a friend down there and uh i had worked at some convenience stores in ohio so they had a stop and go or something down there we moved to bonita springs florida in 1978 all that was there was two traffic lights, a dog track and three convenience stores. And I didn't know that it was so transient that if you show up at work three days in a row, your management material. So two weeks later when I called my mom to tell her I was in Florida because I ran away from home, you know, I wasn't going to tell anybody where I was. I said, oh, but don't worry, I'm assistant manager at this store, you know? And she asked me then why didn't I just tell him I was moving? Well, excuse me, I ran way from home. You know, why would I tell you? And And she said, Beth, you're 19. You could have just left. And I was like, no. Loser to the end, you know? But by the end of eight months down there, I was out of place. My alcoholism caught up with me fast down there because there were no more controls on it. And besides, it was warm down there all the time. My rule of thumb in Ohio was as soon as it hits 80, you could drink. And down there is 6 in the morning, 7 in the mornin', and you were good to go. You know, my outlook on morning drinking was always if you can, why wouldn't you? You know, I mean, my day just went better if I drank in the morning. But, you know, it makes it hard to go to work. And by the end of eight months, I was looking at having to move back to Ohio because I couldn't support myself and I knew it. And that would have meant violating rule number three, you Know, admitting I made a mistake. And this guy moved into town from California. So he had everything. I mean it was just, well, I wouldn't love it first. I don't know what it was. But, you know, he had a house, a car, and a job, which pretty much filled my man requirements at the time. And on top of that, he was 6'2", with tattoos and a motorcycle. So it was just perfect, you Know? And God's will! And so we started our five-year dance of death. And it was crazy. You know, it's hard. We always say, well, you can't save somebody else's alcoholic. Like, all I will tell you is it was pretty easy to look good next to me. I don't know how he would stack up to someone on the normal side. But we, you know, and the two kids did come out of that marriage, and they're kind of my evidence that God can turn chaos to good. But, you Know, over the next five years, there were a lot of times we were counting change to see if we could get two beers. You know, it just was your tip. It wasn't violent. It wasn'T abusive, but it was just stupid. You know? I mean, there's just not a better word for it. And we ended up moving to the Keys. We went down to Key West on the 4th of July weekend. We liked it. We came back Tuesday and moved Friday, you know, with a six-month-old baby and 400 bucks. Hey, let's move to the Keys, you knows? So I called Mom the next Tuesday. Hey, we moved to the keys, but don't worry, I'm assistant manager at this restaurant, you know, and she just said something she said to me all the time, which was how can you do something this stupid and land on your feet? It made her crazy, you Know, she's got this idea there should be consequences for your actions. I never, I was never really, you know, that wasn't my plan. But it was, I got a job down there in an oceanfront resort. I was in a restaurant and I moved into the night audit position, which was great. You know, I didn't know what a night auditor did when I applied. But when I got in there the first night, they doubled my pay. And this place had seven bars and three restaurants. And I had the keys to all seven bars. I mean, it's just like, that was a great job. uh everybody that worked there probably is either in here in prison or dead um the security guards were all bikers it was just a wonderful wonderful place to work and but it was still expensive living down there so we started a little part-time business and uh you know there's a lot of importing and exporting going on in the keys we weren't importing we were more of a distributorship and when we got arrested I looked at the probation officer with a perfectly straight face and told her I just thought of it as a part-time job because it wasn't you know as expensive living down there and you know she just gave me that look that normal people give us when we say something that makes sense to us but you know what was a part time job to me was sale of a controlled substance to Monroe County Florida so that was the first trouble I got in I thought I might not get out of and uh and I was you know I was pregnant with our second child it just it was a nightmare you know it was a nightmar and through periods there I had I had gotten fired from that job briefly because I'd gone to happy hour at five and I Was still there at 11 when I was supposed to clock in so they fired me and uh you know, I kind of knew I wasn't going to find another job like that anywhere nearby. So I went to an AA meeting in 1983. I went to the Key Largo Friday night group of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said I was an alcoholic, and that's the first time I ever said that out loud, you know, because those of you with sober parents know if you grow up, you know you don't ever – I've sat in bars where people say, oh, I'm probably alcoholic, oh well, you know. But when you growup with a sober parent, you know you really don't put the A word in the same sentence with your name because if you do, a big book is going to drop out of the sky and AA police will come in the door and off you go to a meeting. So I never wondered if I was alcoholic. I just cooled off, slowed down, you know, won't mix this and that, whatever. But I went to this meeting and said I was an alcoholic. And they were very nice, you Know, it was a small discussion group. You know, my memory is it was A circle of chairs, no tape, you Know, everybody's knees just pointed in and somebody said something And the next person said, wow, Bob, I can really relate to that. And I just thought, oh, my God, you know because new heart was on tv back then you know with that goofy little therapy group he had going and i just said i'm gonna be relating one day at a time for the rest of my life you know and and they invited me to perkins after the meeting and i don't know about you but 24 years old somebody invites me to Perkins at 9 30 my life is over and just kill me now you know But I went to my boss and told him I knew I had a problem with alcohol, and they gave me my job back, you know, because the weekend girl didn't want to work full-time, and everybody hated her. So she went back to weekends, and I got my job back, and this AA stuff's okay, you know. I went to the Friday night meeting of Key Largo Alcoholics Anonymous and told them I got my job back, and that was pretty much it for me and AA and the Keys. But my dad sent me a box because I called him and told him I'd been to an AA meeting. And within a week, I got a box from him, and it had a big book that he had signed in a 12-in-12, in a 24-hour-a-day book, in an each-day-a new beginning book, in a one-day at a time book, in an acceptance pamphlet, tape of his talk, a few bookmarks. You know, I mean, I don't know how long he'd been throwing it in there, but he got it to the post office immediately when he saw the opening. And, you know, that was nice, but, you Know, it just stayed in the box. So I ended up, I got a divorce, you know, because that's what I wanted. I wanted out of that marriage for a long time. But I can't say I want out because then it would be my fault, you now. And so what I did was drink until he said get out. I can not stand it anymore, which is what I want to do. Because then it is his fault. Then it is His fault, You know. And he said, Get out. And on the outside, I was saying, Well, you Know, this will not be a cooling off period. We will be gone for good because you threw us out. How am I doing, Rick? Is this good? and uh i have a friend who got a headband and a wristband and put velcro on them so that you could i love that you want to get to your arm won't get tired anyway i said you know you threw us out and he's like i don't care get out and of course inside i'm like woohoo finally you know because i wanted out i wanted to relocate in florida mom was having none of that she sent me a plane ticket and I was back in Ohio in 1984 um again in Ohio you know because kind of wanted out you know I heard a guy say when I was new that they should have just put a sign on the state line of Florida Arizona and California that says this state doesn't work either and uh Florida didn't work um anyway so I thought okay I'll go to AA I can see the drinking thing Now, I really thought I should just quit drinking with bikers. I thought if I drank in nicer bars, probably I wouldn't have these problems. But in 1984, Young People's was huge in Cincinnati. Monday Night Young People was 200 people. Friday Night Live was 150 people. There was active, sponsored Alcoholics Anonymous in the Young People because I was only 25. And I walked in, but I didn't say I was new because who wants to be new? You know, I love when Vince Yeo says, if you're new, we already know a lot about you. You know for starters, we know it hasn't been a good year. And I don't want to be new and it's not all right not to know. So I can't ask a question, you know. And so I don' t think I probably even stood up and said I was new. I just kind of blended in and blended out. You know I know I gave it a good two weeks. I'm sure of it. But you weren't remembering my name, not that I gave it to you. But, you know, and I'm sure I had that newcomer thing that we get, you know, that, you know, I mean, I think Sterling's the one that said to us in Nebraska, but he said, we just, we come in, and our face, and our countenance, and everything about us, you know, we're thinking, I don't need you, I don't like you, why aren't you talking to me? You know, and that's how I was. Get away, why aren'T you talking to me? Keep out, why aren't you talking to me? And, um, so I went to the bar cause that's where I'm comfortable. You know, if I got five bucks, I know who I need to know. I know Who can, who can drink till the end of the night and not puke. I Know who knows where the party is. You know, I knew who I needed to know in the bar. I was comfortable going to the by myself. But when I walk into a meeting by myself, it's like Dick said, it it's in two groups, all of you and me, you know, and you're all talking to each other and you all laughing and you are all talking about the big book or whatever you people talk about, and I don't know what to say after my name's Beth, so I have to leave because it's just not good enough being Beth. And for the next three years, I ended up that next March, I was arrested for child endangerment because I left my children alone to drink. There was a bar down at the end of the street. I had nothing to drink in the house. I panicked. And I walked down the street, they were asleep, they Were fine. And my son woke up, couldn't find me, came outside, cried, somebody called the police. and I was arrested for child endangerment and told that if I went to treatment I might not have to spend six months in jail and that sounded like a good plan to me so I went into treatment, I didn't do my homework it was an all woman treatment center it was six weeks long, it was a nightmare but you know I was the one because hey I had my own big book I had a tape of my dad it wasn't that common in the mid 80's to have a sober parent and I'm a test taker so I can read and say all the right stuff And I was the one that the counselors would get to come talk to women who didn't want to leave their kids for six weeks to come to treatment. And I could tell them all the right stuff about, you know, better six weeks now than forever later. And if we're not sober, we can't be mothers at all. You know, but there was a problem with that. The book talks about having a double life. You know? The one we want people to see and the one we know is true. And what was happening with me was I was relieved my children were gone. I didn't Want My Children Back. You know. And I know now, again, that's something I didn't ever want to tell anybody because talk about looking bad, dear God. But alcoholism stripped me of any ability to do anything for anybody except myself. I was so empty. I had nothing to give those kids. And at my mother's, they were put in the custody of my mother. And she read to them every night. They got a story read to him every night They got to daycare on time in clean clothes every day. they had a hot meal at dinner time every night you know i couldn't do any of that stuff and i hated her for doing it you know make no mistake about it i made her life miserable when those kids would come over to see me i would talk about how we were going to get an apartment soon you know knowing that they would get all excited and run home to tell grandma about it and she would have to talk them down and i did it on purpose you know and how do you make amends for that, you know. That's the kind of daughter I was, you know. That's the kind of woman that came in here with alcoholism and I would tell you I wanted my kids back but I didn't really but you can't tell people that and I would think what's wrong with me I don't even want them you know and I would quit drinking every now and then for a day or two but a lot of guilt can creep in in a couple of days with that to your friends and see how it flies, and I just didn't, you know, I just, that was that double life, and my dad died while I was in treatment. I was the only child of divorced parents, so I got the insurance money, so i got to drink the way I wanted to drink for a couple years, and i'm sure it sped my entrance into AA by the end of 1987. I used to say I was living in an attic apartment. And sometime last year, I realized it wasn't an attic apartment. It was an attic. It wasn't in an apartment until I moved in. And it was two rooms on somebody's third floor. There was no bathroom. You know, it was an attic home. But I was living because I couldn't even pay my rent. You know, I mean, I just could not function. I wasn't showering. I didn't know, but I had a laundry basket of unopened mail. It was back before caller id so you know if you were my friend you knew to ring twice hang up and call back because i wasn't answering my phone you know my dad uh right before i went to treatment my phone was disconnected and i didn't even know it because who do i want to talk to and he drove down from oxford to cincinnati to be sure that we were okay because the phone was disconnected and he had always talked about because he he drank a couple more times before he got sober again for good and and he always talked About having nine lives and that he finally sobered up to see what God, you know, he thought he better sober up to see what god wanted him to do and uh and the last thing he said to me before he left was don't you think you should don't she think you've about used up your nine lives and he turned around and he left i had nothing to say i had a beer in my hand you know and uh... and he died while i was in treatment that was the last thing he ever said to be and i was devastated because i was going to go be jim's daughter in a.a. because i don't know how to be beth you know hand-to-hand And what happened was I got the insurance money, so that was that. The kids stayed in my mom's custody, and things just got worse and worse and worst. And when I first got sober, I used to think, you know, if I was that miserable for the last two years, why did I drink? It's not like I didn't know AA was there. You know, you get sober and go, what'd I do that for? And then I heard a guy talk one time, and he put his finger on it. He said, you knew, I knew I'd be miserable if I didn'T drink, and I knewI'd probably be miserableif I drank. But I had a shot at having a good time with a drink. You know, it was like the only hope I had was in that bottle. And, you know, that's just no way to be living. And I finally, in January of 88, just kind of said, God, I can't live like this anymore. You've got to do something. And, um, you Know, I prayed and I remembered that big book my dad had sent me. And I went and pulled it out. You know? I'd been in this attic since August. I just had a path from the couch to the TV to the bed, but I found the box and I had that big book from my dad. And I opened it up to Bill's story, which is where I always open it up too, page one. I mean, I thought if they really wanted you to read the Roman numerals, they would have made that page one, never read that stuff. You know, and I'd been through treatment two or three times by now. And you go to treatment and they tell you the big book is the text for living. You know the instructions are in here and I would always open up to page one Bill's story and start out and it would say war fever ran high and this old and I'd think oh this is helpful yeah you know yeah here's my directions um so I never got it you know I just never got it and uh and that night I read Bill's story and I identified with him it was the first time I just identified with him as one alcoholic to another and I know now that that story was put there because they didn't have meetings on every corner you know when the book came out and his story is just like you know a speaker meeting in print one guy telling what he was like what happened and what he's like now so that hopefully somebody like me would read it identify and keep reading and uh the next day I didn't really want to drink um I really believe looking back there are two or three times that God removed the obsession for alcohol because anytime I ever asked him for help, he was there. But you know, I never did anything after that. I never followed up and I didn't that day either. I didnít call anybody. I Didnít read anymore the big book. I didnít pray again. I did nothing, which is what I usually did to stay sober. And so the voices all started, ìOh, you may as well drink. You know youíre going to drink.î And I did. I drank but weird things started happening. I mean, I drank in the Dew Drop Inn in Norwood, Ohio, a garden spot if you're ever passing through and uh and people all around me in this dumpy bar were talking about getting sober and going to oak street and going aa and calling their old sponsor and you know it's very weird and um and i didn't drink on and off through the spring and then finally in june of 88 i i thought you know i've been here in ohio four years now and i bet everybody in florida's going god i wish beth would come back and so i uh i took mom's credit card because i didn'T have any money. And I went to Florida and a one-way ticket, of course, never coming back. And by the end of two weeks, I was tired. The credit card was tired and on June 26th, 1988, it was a Sunday, I was in the Fort Myers airport and the plane ticket home would not go on the credit card. And you know, I just, I Was so hung over. I didn't even have a dollar. I Didn't have $1 to go get a beer pack. This is sad. Back then a dollar would have bought a beer. but I didn't even have a dollar if I'd had enough to get one drink I could have gotten two drinks you know what I mean I just needed one to nurse until somebody bought me a drink but my ego wouldn't let me just go sit in the bar without a drink and risk being asked to leave because we don't want your kind here and there's a lot of retired people in Florida and I thought about snatching a little old lady's purse and maybe I'd get lucky and she'd have some cash but I just had one of those hangovers you know those hangovers and I knew the way my luck was running I would pick on the little old lady who still did aerobics twice a week she'd run me down take her purse bag and I'd look bad so I called my mom and she said you just need to know I'm not flying you home I'm flying the children's mother home and it's only because we're afraid we'll never see you again if we don't and she picked me up at the airport I didn't have a drink that day I had no idea that would be my sobriety date you know all the times I went through treatment I was always most likely to stay sober because I could say all the right things and I'd circle 90 days on my counter I never get there and this time I just didn't even bother but I didn't have a clue that was my sobriery date you Know I would have tried to get a drink on the plane at least I just I just didn't know and um and she picked me up in Ohio and she dropped me off at the local detox center and said go in or don't but I've done all I can do for you and thank God you know and again it It was years before I realized what it must have cost her emotionally to leave her only child on the step of somewhere in the worst section of town at 1 o'clock in the morning and say, I can't help you. What's it cost a parent to do that? We joke about the Al-Anons a lot, but we put them through the wringer. And this is where I've learned to be a daughter and my relationship with my mom has been restored. And I'm actually a useful, helpful member of her family now. you know but that was a long time coming even in sobriety so I went into detox and I spent four or five days there and and the next morning I woke up and I was 29 and a half years old and I I really never had planned on living to be 30 you know I just I shouldn't have I mixed drugs and alcohol rode motorcycles drunk I mean I had my own motorcycle I rode drunk and uh you know bartending where people shot at each other just didn't hang out with nice people I just shouldn't have been alive and I never I never tried to kill myself because I knew I'd live you know what I mean I knew i'd live be maimed look bad um didn't want somebody to mistake me for you know a cry for help um I just always thought I'd be dead by the time I was 30 and that morning I was laying in that detox bed, distressingly healthy, you know, reviewing my options. And I realized at that moment that it didn't matter how bad it was, it could get worse. There were levels of worse I hadn't even thought of yet and that I was going to live. You know, I wasn't going to be dead. If you had told me that day, Beth, if you walk out of here and get a beer, you'll be dead in six months. I guarantee you, I would have left and got the beer. But that day I knew it was like a voice came and said, people like you don't die, Beth. You're going to live to be 50, 60, 70, 80 years old, even drinking. And that scared me to death. Now my husband, if anybody's ever heard him speak, he sends his regards by the way he's speaking in Louisville today. But he knew if he took one more drink, he was a dead man. He got here the day before he died. I came in from the opposite end. I knew I was going to leave and that terrified me. And I just had this passing thought of, well, you know, whatever those AA people were doing seems to be working for them and your way is not working for you. Maybe I ought to do it their way. And again, I didn't know that was the surrender that was going to save my life. You know, I was a biker for God's sake. I thought I'd go down and crash and burn, blaze of glory, down in flames, you know? And I mean, what I found out is when I surrender, it is almost invariably just a pitiful little voice that says, oh, screw it. So much for the tough biker. So I turned myself into Alcoholics Anonymous. The day I got out of detox, I went to a meeting that night. I almost didn't because, hey, I've been going to meetings for five days. But this voice in my head said, if you don't go now, you're never going to go. And so I just, I got on a bus and I went because my car was impounded. So I took the bus to a meeting. And when I walked in that night, a woman speaking, I had met her four years before when I was passing through and there she was four years sober. And she talked about the fact that alcoholism had taken her to the point where she didn't want to work. She didn't wanna care for her daughter. She just wanted to drink. And I couldn't believe she was telling a room full of people that cause that was my biggest secret was that I didn't Want my kids. I didn'T want to take care of my kids I was glad they were gone you know I didn't have the capacity to love them and there she was telling a room full of people the same thing and I got her number after the meeting and the next day I called her and it took half an hour because I would just be like she doesn't really want you to call you know oh she's probably busy she's Probably not there anyway you know my biggest fear she might say Beth who you know so I finally called her and uh and i just said i have no idea what to say to you i'm practicing using the phone and she just laughed and said that's what she had to do too you know and this is what i tell new people i don't care what we talk about you know three four days sober we're not going to have deep philosophical discussions about the theory behind alcoholics anonymous just tell me you're practicing usingthephone because i don' t know how to have a conversation with somebody but i could call and tell her i was practicing and that's why i did i called her every day He said, I'm calling my sponsor because it's Monday. I'm telling my sponsor cause it's Tuesday, you know, and we started to go to meetings and I went to meetings two a day cause I could not being employed. I didn't have a whole lot on my dance card. And, uh, and I Went to this big book meeting. There was a noon big book at the clubhouse in Cincinnati at four or five Oak street. And I went because, you Know, I mean, I knew from my numerous trips through treatment that you should read your big book every day. I'm sure you've heard that. well, they read a chapter every day. So I don't have to read at home. This is good. And they read the whole chapter. So that chewed up half of the hour. So chances were good I wouldn't have to talk. You know, I wouldn'T get called on. Again, I didn't know I wasn't going to get called on anyway with my four days over. But it made me feel better that it ate up half of the meeting. And my whole day was free at 1 o'clock. You know,I had my meeting in because I had made a commitment to myself that I was going to go to a meeting every day so now I'm free at one this is awesome you know well God's got a great sense of humor and by 4 30 I'd be getting a little antsy as I remembered that I had no life and um and I so I ended up going back to a meaning at night too I would go to the speaker meeting at night and um you know reading that chapter every day I started to hear it because I don't know about you but my brain was sawdust when I was new and so if I did try to read the book at home i would either be you know 20 minutes later i'm still staring at the same page or i'd be 20 pages in and have no idea what i read you know because i was thinking and when you guys read it i could hear it sometimes i mean i still would have you know i'd been in a meeting where they're reading out loud and be like rarely have i seen a person fail i wonder what it's going to cost to get my car out of impound you know I mean I just somebody turned the page and i'd come back you know um but i started to hear a little of it it started to sink in and i know it did because i you know everybody they're still up there today i just i don't check in with them often now um but I was on my way after noon it had to be in my first three weeks of sobriety and I had to run an errand at Walgreens or somewhere after the meeting. And on my way in, I popped in to see what we were all talking about, you know? And somebody in my head was saying, that was pretty cool what Guy said at the meeting and somebody else is going, yeah, I didn't know that was in the big book, did you? And I just thought, God, the voices in my heart are getting sober, you now? I mean... Hey! This is good. So it was starting to sink in and Guy's biggest joke on me was that, you know, what I didn't realize was that people who go to big book meetings on purpose tend to read it and do what it says. And my laziness and lack of willingness to read the book at home had plopped me into the middle of the most active people in Cincinnati AA. They were on convention committees. They volunteered at the intergroup office. They were everywhere and they just sucked me in, you now. Thank God, you kno, they pulled me into The Middle and I have been there ever since. You know, by three weeks sober, somebody said, Beth, you've been around before. Why don't you do an inventory? And I didn't know you didn't have to, you know. So I sat down with a big book and I wrote an inventory and I called the girl who didn't want to care for her daughter and she heard my fifth step and became my first sponsor. And my life took off, you Know. I was making amends. My life took Off. You know, the book says if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, you are ready to take certain steps. It doesn't say anything about a step a month or wait till I say you know it says if you have decided you want what we have you are ready and I just I don't even know if I wanted what you have but I didn't want what I had anymore and that was enough and uh you know from that day to this my life has just taken off I uh like I said my kids were not in my custody they were four and six when I got sober but I would start to get them I took them one at a time in the beginning because they would fight with each other if they were together and um but I took them to meetings with me because I had to I couldn't go all meeting without a week all weekend without a meeting but you know it was great because now I don't know how to talk to my kids I'm not an intuitive mother you know my first thought still is yes but what about me you know and I took my kids to the meeting and uh and I learned how to talked to him watching you guys the same way I learned how be sober watching you guys when those kids came to the meeting with me you guys greeted them by name you sat down on a chair to talk to them so they had eye level they weren't looking up you asked them to go get coffee cups with you you asked him to help you throw things away you sat and colored with them you asked him how school was going and you listened to the answer you know and I learned to talk to my children watching you guys talk to my Children and they loved AA and if a funny thing happen you know they became less invisible because in my presence they have been invisible i didn't abuse my children physically or even really verbally but what my kids had gotten from me over and over andover for years was i love you go away i love u get away from me you know and uh and i learned to let them in watching you guys and their gaze came up off the floor and they began to look the world in the eye you know my favorite promise in the book says that We can be alone at perfect peace and ease, which, as you've heard, was not something I could ever do with all the noise. I can be lone at perfect piece and ease now. I can look the world in the eye. And my kids became able to look the word in the eyes. And my daughter could remember everybody's name, which was wonderful because I couldn't. We'd be sitting in a meeting, and somebody would be talking, and I'd be thinking, what is his name? He just said my name so-and-so. I'm an alcoholic. Like, you know, and she'd be like, Mom, when he's done, can I say thanks, Mark? And I'd be, like, Mark, that's it. Okay, yeah, sure, honey. You go right ahead, you now. I needed that kid. But AA just became part of their lives, too, and we went to all the picnics and all the eating meetings. And, you Know, things started to happen. As I told you, you Now, when I was around a year sober, we went on a picnic, and there were kids playing over there. And so I told my kids, if you want to play, go ahead. There's kids over there. And I always told them that and they never went and played. They always just hung on my leg and that was fine. You know, I only saw him on weekends. And that day about half an hour later, I felt a tug on my leg and it was my son who was seven saying, mom, I just wanted to let you know that if you need us, we're over here playing. And what I realized was that day that they knew they could let me out of their sight and I'd be there when they got back. That took a year, took ayear until they were comfortable letting me out of their sight and that was okay you know i was glad i didn't push them to go play and uh and time marched on and like i said by 15 months sober i had a driver's license a car and insurance all at once by thanksgiving of 89 you know coming up on a year and a half sober i had a little car in a little apartment my little kids were spending little weekends with me and you know um little job and i started looking at my son who's seven and a half and he had you know he had all these women in his life i mean me and his sister and my mom because they were still living with her and and and i just thought you know a seven-year-old boy really needs a man in his wife and for his sake i should probably start looking around because that's the kind of loving giving mom i am but we went up to a thanksgiving day thing at oak street and they always put out a big spread at one and i went to my noon big book meeting because that's what i do and uh and when i came out i couldn't find robbie anywhere and somebody said oh go look across the street there was a school yard across the Street from the clubhouse and there was my son seven and another seven-year-old boy and for the guys from oak street who were 20 21 22 john callahan was one of them playing football and i just thought again it's like every now and then god picks up the curtain you know and i thought where else should a seven-year-old boy be on thanksgiving day except playing football with a bunch of guys you know but the real eye opener for me was realizing i did nothing to make that happen except go to my meeting you know that if i'm doing alcoholics anonymous my kids needs got met too and i took that to heart and i called off the manhunt temporarily and uh you know chuck and i ended up meeting shortly after that so uh so that was good i actually i guess i'd seen him speak when i was a year and a half sober he was he had a year and um he came and spoke i'd never seen him before and so i'm thinking well how sober can this guy be because i've never seen them before yeah because i know everybody that bar mentality kind of came with me but he gave this great talk i never forgot his name i didn't know i was going to marry him you know but a year later we just started hanging out a little bit and he had dated about like i had and uh and so we made a commitment to keep our clothes on and get to know each other and uhand we courted you know we court ed um and it was great now aa dating you know is like coffee before the meeting or coffee after the meeting and when it's over you're not sure if you should kiss goodnight or say the lord's prayer but we muddled through and uh and he asked me to marry him and we set the date a year away because we had some financial things to take care of and as that year drew near we just wanted more than ever to be married we didn't have to break up 10 times and do all that and last july we celebrated 14 years of marriage you know those little kids are now 22 and 24 years old um when i was a year sober my mom and i talked and decided that really that i was living in an efficiency apartment in a crappy section of town trying to work go to school and go to aa and we decided that the greater good really wasn't served by sucking them down to my level in the name of getting the kids back you know they had been at her house by that time for four years in a good neighborhood with good schools. They'd have the same friends. Their life was stable. The only disruption in their life was me, and so we agreed that I would set about trying to catch up to them, you know, and that's what we did. We got a house in the next burb over from them when we were, I guess, 91, three years sober, and, you know, we bought them bicycles for Christmas one year, and we got bikes because they were still pretty little they were eight and ten seven and nine something like that so the first one of course in Ohio anything you get for Christmas you have to wait till March to use and um except a sled and uh and so the First Warm Day hit and we went out to go bike riding you know and and uh it's like mom dad big brother little sister on our bikes it was a little surreal and um and we're riding down the street and this guy's out mowing his grass because they do that a lot in the suburbs and he waved because they do that a lot in the suburbs now where I had been living if your hands were up there was a gun drawn but out there they wave you know so we went to wave back and about the time I waved I got a look at where I was and I just thought oh my god I used to own my own Harley Davidson and I'm riding through the suburbs on a lavender huffy how did this happen wasn't on my list um but you know the miracle of that moment was that right there right then there's nowhere else i wanted to be but on that bike with those kids you know and that is light years from not even wanting them you know how do you get there from where we were that's the power of god you know that is the powerofgod god changes hearts here you know we take the action but He changes hearts and things. There's a line in the book we just read the other day about, you know, where life was seemingly impossible and suddenly, you know, it's like easy going when we take a few simple actions. And, you know, I didn't know when I got here that what I wanted was a relationship with God. I just wanted my license back. I didn'T know that that sense of ease and comfort was going to come from a relationship with God. You know, I didn'T not believe in God when I got here I just kind of thought well it's kind of like if I don't pray he won't know where I am you know um he won'T catch me and uh and when I got here God was little you know but it's the most amazing it's like did you ever get bored in school and draw one of the you know start drawing the spiral and you just go in and in and you finally have nowhere to go that's what alcoholism did to my life you know my life was so little when I Got Here and I just I got here, and somebody said, even if you don't believe it, just take the action. Just get on your knees, ask God to keep you sober, thank him at night, you know, and one day at a time, I started staying sober, and I just kept taking that action, and you know when you take a little action, you see a little bit, and then you believe a little bit. And when you believe, you're not going to be able to believe a lot. When you believe you're going to believe a bit, then it's easier to take the next action. And then you see it a little more, and sometimes it was goofy stuff, like I'd be driving down the road thinking, because I do my best thing. It's like Clancy says, it's group therapy when I'm alone in my car and uh and a car would go by and there'd be an easy does it bumper sticker on the car and it would just be like oh yeah I'm not alone you know I am not alone I am not in this by myself it was it was amazing and I just you know i uh I have come to recognize what a gift this is because I never gift was not ever a word that I used in the same sentence with AA, you know. But when I was, I was a week out of detox and they passed a second basket at the Friday night meeting because a man's daughter had been killed that day by a drunk driver. She was nine years old and he was a member of that group. And the next Tuesday he was at that big book meeting that I go to. And he was talking about how it happened. And in Ohio if you got a DUI you had to go three do your three-day court thing at a place called Drake Hospital and um and it happened right outside Drake Hospital two cars were drag racing on a two-lane road hit the car she was in head-on she was killed instantly and those people who were doing their weekend court thing were outside on break when it happened and Charlie said maybe if one of them got sober then it wasn't for nothing you know I couldn't believe he was even at the meeting and when I left that day I remember thinking what if that had been me in that car or what if my kids had been in that car what would they be left with because like I said my word was worth nothing to them you know I was never where I said I'd be I never picked them up on time if I picked them at all and I remember having this passing thought like the trees got greener and the sky got bluer and I thought you know I could just go call him right now and tell him I love him with no strings attached I have for whatever reason been given this reprieve and I have a chance to build a relationship with them from where I am you know because I always wanted to do over I wanted to go back and erase it all and fix it and it was like I could just start from today and build a relationship with them and if I am a weekend mom for the rest of my life I'll be a good weekend mom you know and I started to make amends to those children by not making promises I couldn't keep. You know, I would make one promise and keep it and make one premise and keep it and bring them to meetings and they met you all and I learned to talk to him and I'd learn to parent and I build a relationship with them because of you, you know, and that's a miracle. We like I said, Chuck and I got married and when he got his degree, he got a job with insurance and we found a house that year in their neighborhood and so they started fifth and seventh grade walking out the front door of their parents house like everybody else you know and we took candy to our home group pink and blue it's a boy it'sa girl and uh and we'd only been married a year so people uh people said are you having kids and we said yeah they're nine and eleven isn't it great you know. And we handed out candy at our homegroup because that was you know Polly talks about great events will come to pass and that was an awesome thing and and I thought this is great you knows first half of their life I missed, I'll get the second half. And well, you know, they became teenagers and that just went down the tubes. Our son ended up being the kindred spirit. And we had a couple of really, really bad years. And there was a point at which I wouldn't have told you we could ever all sit in the same room again. You know, it was that bad. And I used to ask my sponsor when I didn't have my kids you know if i would ever get them back and she would say that annoying sponsor thing you know it's in the book and um i'm pretty literal so i'd be looking for you know if you're a single mother and your mother has your children and it's not in there and uh you know a few years ago i was flipping through and there it was families will be reunited you know and it'S IN THE BOOK I'LL BE DARNED AND UH YOU KNOW WHAT AN AMAZING thing because we just couldn't have done that on our own power either, you know. And our son actually, he, we moved to North Carolina four years ago and he was in the Army. Both kids were in the army. He got out in December and he and his girlfriend moved to Cary. They live a mile away from us. They come over and have dinner on Sunday, you Know. We got a flat tire last week although Chuck had to speak somewhere and, you Now, we're half an hour away and we could call him and he went and picked up Chuck's car, came and got us, you now, and changed the tire on my Jeep and drove it back. You know, that's a miracle. And we have just done so many things. Like I said, the last couple of years, we've just been saying it wasn't on my list. We had promised each other that we would play golf after the kids were gone because we knew we wouldn't have time when they were little. They were all in sports and everything. So we learned to play golf badly. We're bad, but we're having fun. And you know, we moved to North Carolina and realized the U.S. open was coming to pinehurst and uh and we thought oh what the heck let's go you know well we didn't think we'd get tickets it's you know it's a long process and but we we got picked we got tickets and you know we got this notice like congratulations you got your tickets and we're going to charge your american express card nine million dollars next week and that hurt but uh you know the u.s open came and and we drove down to pine hurst and we walked around i'm sorry for you non-golfers but I know the golfers will find this exciting. And we walked around, you know, and then we went and sat in the grandstands on the 18th green at Pinehurst No. 2. And we just, all of a sudden, you know we're watching the PGA guys putt through and all of the sudden we realize we're in the grandstand's on the 18th grain of Pinehurts No. 2, you know? I mean, how do you get here from the dew drop in, you know? And on the way back to the car we just said you know it wasn't even on the list. You know it just wasn't on the list and in that feeling of wanting to be with the kids on that bike that wasn't on my list but you know that feeling is what I chased the whole time I drank. Every now and then when I drank everything be in the right place at the right time and the right people and just all the planets were aligned and God that was great and the rest of the time it wasn t and I was trying to make it. I was trying find it.I was trying fix it. I just want to feel like that again. And over and over and over, that's what I have gotten here is that sense of wanting to be where I am when I'm there. That sense that this space is big enough for Beth and I can fill it. That I am one of many and that's where my strength comes. Not from being the best or the worst but being one of many, child of God. Families will be reunited. We don't always get our regular families back but we get in here and find out Sean Allen, child of God. Karen Garrison, child of God, you know? Lynn Coates, child of God Brandi Dreher, child a God. Beth Hartley, child of god. It's all I wanted the whole time and I didn't have a clue. Thank you.