No Chapter Called Into Thinking — Only One Called Into Action – Karren G.

Hi everybody, I'm Karen Garrison and I'm an alcoholic. Hi Karen! And it's truly through the grace of God and the power of Alcoholics Anonymous that I've been sober since May 30th, 1982. And that does not make me a miracle, it makes Alcoholics Anonymous a miracle. And if you're new here tonight, I want to welcome you to AA. And I always call it God's Magnificent AA, the program that saved my life and it's going to save yours too, if you want to take a few quick actions. And I suggest as far as you get a sponsor tonight, that you get that book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and you get busy. Everybody else is doing around here. And you're going to stay sober as I've stayed sober for 22 years. And people like me cannot stay sober, I can guarantee you. My home group is the Pacific Group in West LA. A group I'm very, very proud to be a member of, just as I'm sure you're proud to be a member of yours. And I guess if you're not proud, you ought to get a job in it. You might change your mind. I certainly have a job in mine. I'm proud to have that job. And I thank Dave and the committee for inviting me to come out. This is an honor and a privilege. It's one that I do not take lightly, I'll guarantee you. You guys, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I really do. And I think that it shows. And I make an awful lot of mistakes. I do an awful lot of things wrong. But I'll tell you one thing. That I love you. You make no mistake about that. You know, I've been taught to do an awful lot of things before I ever wrote my big mouth. And one thing is to talk to my sponsor. And Clancy's Energy is loving very best wishes tonight. And if anybody in this room is wondering why I have a man for a sponsor and why I have Clancy for a sponsor, it's really quite simple. I did not get sober in California. I got sober in a place called Lincoln, Nebraska. And was not doing well in Alcoholics Anonymous in Lincoln, Nebraska. I went through 19 sponsors at a rapid clip. And I'm certainly not proud of this. I stand here tonight. And thank God for the old-timers. And A, because somebody loved me enough to get my current sponsor. And I got to tell you that my life has done nothing but totally complete transfer as a result of that. And I obviously adore the ground that that man walks on. I talked to him a little while ago. He's in Hawaii. And I said, wish me luck tonight. And he said, get up there and share your experience, your strength, and your hope. And tell those people what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. Ignore the old-timers. They got it. They don't need your inspiration, my dear. And talk directly to those people with the life and blood of A. And I believe that as I stand here and I welcome you and I hope that you stand, that I think I did without a doubt the most important thing I can ever do. And that's to be a sponsor. To say, God, please help me say what you want me to say to these people. God is very much a part of my life tonight. You guys would not used to be that way for me, I can guarantee you. I thank my beautiful friend, Cassie, for picking me up from the airport. And she's going to take me back tomorrow. And my beautiful friend, Brandy, who replaced Cassie last night when she was in the play. I have known these women most of my sobriety, these two girls. And I just love them dearly. And I know so many people down here. Thank you so much. If you're new here tonight, this is one of the greatest conferences in the world. Trust me, it is. And this committee deserves a tremendous round of applause from us. I'll tell you. As we were driving over here tonight in the golf cart, we passed the family portrait being taken of annoying her family. And there was a person missing that night. And that was Jim Shaw. And I can break his anonymity because he's no longer with us. So I can do that. But Jim Shaw was my AA brother, you guys. And I absolutely adored this man. He taught me how to be of service around here. He used to introduce me as, this is my little AA sister, Karen. And I love that. And I miss that so much. But I have a funny story to tell you. When Jim was dying, and he was really, probably last year, three weeks of his life and stuff, I told Vinoy, I said, why don't you go into LA and go shop? And let me come out there, bring somebody I sponsor with me. We'll take Jim out. We'll take care of him. Let me spend some time with him. You go take a break. And she didn't really want to do that. And we talked her into it. So then all hell broke loose, let me tell you. So anyway, we sent her on her way. And I said, Jim, Vinoy wants you to eat that stuff in the icebox. Do you want to eat that crap? And he said, no. I want to go to McDonald's. I said, let's go. We got him in the car. There's an oxygen tank. And he said, Karen, please don't smoke in this car. It'll blow up. And I said, I can't do the smoke in the car. So we took him to McDonald's. And he said, don't tell Vinoy I did this. I said, well, you can't drag it out of my mouth. And he went home and told her I did it. But anyway, the last three weeks of Jim Shaw's life, I want you guys to know, he had two double cheeseburgers at McDonald's, two big orders of fries, two chocolate malts, and one apple pie. And he loved every minute of it, let me tell you. Anyway. And we went driving around Palm Springs area and stuff. And I said, we just had a delightful afternoon with him and took him over to Keith and Sally Carpenter's house who are dear members of our fellowships and so forth. And thank you so much for letting me do that. What an honor and privilege that was for me to be able to do that. I miss him terribly. I miss him terribly. And as you all know, Vinoy and Jim started this conference. And so I remember him as I stand here tonight. I think that's very, very important. So anyway, like I said earlier, my sobriety date is May 30th, 1982. It was not always my sobriety date. When I got my current sponsor, I had to change that date. And there's a reason for that. I'm one of these people who had to go out and smoke dope when I got sober. And if you're smoking marijuana in this room tonight, you are not sober now, because I'm going to tell you right this minute. I don't want to argue about it afterwards. Ask any old timer if you don't believe me. And if I have to change my date, then by God, so do you. But I got my current sponsor and I tried to explain to him that where I'm from in Lincoln, now I want you to know they don't do this in Omaha, but where I'm from in Lincoln, you can have two sobriety dates. And one from alcohol and one from drugs. And I read that Cookie pointed out to my sponsor and he said, I don't give a damn what they do. If you want me for a sponsor, you're changing your sobriety date. We don't smoke dope in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, where does the book mention pot? He said, well, the book does mention pot. And I said, Clancy, I have read that book. It does not talk about marijuana in that book. And he said, if I find the word pot in that book, will you change your sobriety date or argue with me again? And I knew I was making a bad deal, you guys, but I did it anyway. And I'll be damned if he didn't flip open the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. On the first page of Bill Wilson's story, it says, died by musket or by pot. I said, that is not what that means. He said, little girl, I don't give a damn what it means. You said the book did mention pot. It does mention pot. Change your sobriety date. And my life has flourished, I've got to tell you guys. I want to thank my two babies, Cindy and Michelle, for driving over and seeing their sponsor tonight. And I'd love to see these women. We're going to be together next weekend, too. But, you know, the day I got sober, I weighed 95 pounds. I was the color of squash. And now I call it hepatitis. I had a liver cirrhosis. I had ruptured esophageal varices. And if you don't know what that stuff is, you don't want to know because you die from that kind of stuff. And I was standing on Skid Row in Lincoln, Nebraska, sucking on a bottle of Mad Dog. And if you guys haven't drank Mad Dog, I need to tell you, it's not one of your finer wines, I can assure you. I'll guarantee you one thing, that crap has never seen a grape, make no mistake about that. I literally could not believe what's gone on in my life. I'd lost my children. I'd lost my husband twice. Although I really care about that, I don't want you to know. I'd lost my car. I'd lost my house. I destroyed every relationship I'd ever had with anybody. And I was clearly dying from alcoholism. And then I lost the one thing that brought me to my knees and this is ease, I lost my nursing license. And you guys, I love my profession. It absolutely devastated me, but it did not stop me from drinking. And there's a reason for that, and it's in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, because I have an obsession that somehow, someday, I will learn to control and enjoy my drinking. The persistent delusion is astonishing, just like our book talks about when you're pursuing the gates of insanity and death. And I'll guarantee you one thing, I was in the gates of pure insanity, I got sober and almost into my coffin. And I am so grateful for this program as I stand here tonight, I cannot begin to tell you. And you're going to soon see why I'm saying that. You know, you guys, this has been the very, very best year of my sobriety, my 22nd year. Actually, it was my 21st, I just turned 22, but I want to share a little bit of that with you. You know, if you would have asked me New Year's Eve, a year ago New Year's Eve, are your amends made in Alcoholics Anonymous? I would have said yes, and that would have been the absolute truth for me. I'm $86,000 out of debt in this program, I owe nobody nothing, I just got to go to meetings, pray, work with others, do my commitments, and I'm home free here. But our book says that more will be revealed, folks. And I went to Kansas City, Missouri on New Year's Eve a year ago to give an AA talk, and they had this big party dance type thing, and so, anyway, air traffic control held us for whatever reason, so we were circling the city, and I spied the Hyatt Regency Hotel, and I thought, oh my God, there's the Hyatt Regency, and I remembered something I'd done about 35 years ago. 35 years ago on Easter morning, I found myself in a glass elevator of the Hyatt Regency Hotel, stark naked on Easter morning. I know. And it landed on the first floor of the hotel. I had no idea where the hell I was, I really don't. I'd like to think I was in some man's room, but you never know, but anyway. Anyway, the door opened up, and there was this family standing in their Easter clothes that were going to have brunch or something. I will never forget the look on these people's faces as long as I live, and you know, I read my inventory to my sponsor, and I did not mention that for whatever reason. I'd done so much of this sort of thing, I guess I just didn't even remember of it. Anyway, I called Clancy, and he said, well, get over there and make amends for that. You probably gave the place a bad name, and I thought, well, if I have time, I'll get over there and get that done. I was only going to be there for 24 hours. That's not much time when that committee keeps you busy, and I did not have time to do it, so I went back to the airport in New Year's Eve to go back to L.A., and my flight was canceled. I thought, great, I've got five hours to wait. I can take a shuttle, go back to the Hyatt Regency, and sit down and talk to somebody, although I doubt if anybody's even going to be there, and boy, I was wrong about that, let me tell you. I sat down with the manager of the Hyatt Regency hotel, and I told him what I'd done. He said, Karen, stop. I have to tell you a funny story. He said, 35 years ago, my father was manager of the Hyatt Regency at that time, and we were over here having Easter brunch, and we were by the glass elevator, and we were by the glass elevator, and a naked woman got on. And he said, I'd never seen a naked woman. I said, well, I'm sorry I had to be your first one, but I take what you get, folks. He said, guess what? Mom and Dad are here this weekend. I thought, oh, wonderful. He said, they're celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary. Let's have them come over. They'll come down and meet you. And I thought, let's not. We don't say that. We just go along with it. I said, whatever you want to do will be fine with me. So Mom and Dad came, and I thought, my God, they're probably 100 years old on walkers. They'll probably have a heart attack when they find out who I am. But one more time, I was wrong about that. I sat down with the loveliest people I have ever met before in my life, and they laughed. They said, Karen, we talked about you for years in the barge and I thought, yeah, I bet you did too. You know, I'm so sorry. I'm embarrassed you and your family here all those years ago. What can I do to make that right? And they said, just don't ever do it again. I said, you know what, I can't think of any more disgusting than a 59-year-old woman getting out of a glass elevator and starts naked. So I doubt very much she'll probably be taking that path any time soon. So as I stand here tonight, my amends are made and I'll collect synonymous. No more has been revealed, but I will tell you it's not midnight yet, folks. You never know what's going to happen. Last May, I was over in Lawson, Nevada speaking at the Tri-State Roundup. If you guys haven't experienced that, come to it. It's a great event. They get about 6,000, 7,000 people at this thing. And we were hanging around the casino on Thursday night waiting for the meeting to start and I hit a $10,000 slot is what I did. And I was to experience every promise in the big book about collect synonymous in five seconds flat. I was to know a new freedom and new happiness. Fear of financial insecurity left me and I was rocking that fourth dimension of living. If you're new here tonight, that is not how you get the promises in our collect synonymous. But I got them. I swear to God I didn't. And it was such a great experience because Don Laughlin who owns that hotel over there came down to, you always get management's attention if you hit a slot like that. Trust me, they want their money back is what they want. But he came down and he said, you know, can we extend your stay? And I said, no, just give me a check. I'm taking it back to LA. And he said, what are you doing here this weekend? And I told him, he said, oh, I'd love to hear the A speakers. Can I come to your talk? And I said, well, it's your hotel. Why would you want to do that? And he said, I think they are so funny. And he came and by God he was in line the next night thanking me and he said to me, are you sure we can't extend your stay? They never give up, folks. I'm happy to report that I brought that money back to Los Angeles. I paid my car off with it and I'm one more time debt free in Alkalexanima. And it's a great position to be in, let me tell you guys. But anyway, you know, in our book, Alkalexanima, it says that great events will come to pass for us and countless others. And I want to share a very great event in my life with you. It won't be in your lives but it's most certainly in mine. You know, when I got sober, you guys, my family wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. They had been through all the crap they were going to take off me years before I quit drinking. They had to walk away from their own sanity. So through amends and sponsorship and what we do around here it's all turned around for me now. But it took a long time for it to happen. And on my 20th day birthday I got a phone call from my little grandson. My little grandson, Ryan, is quite a gymnast, you guys. I knew he was good but I didn't know he was that good. And my son and his wife got a phone call from Budweiser out of St. Louis, Missouri wanting to sponsor this kid and train him for the Olympics, you guys. And so my son called me and he says, he told me, and I, you know, I jumped from phone call to Olympic Stadium, gold medal around his neck and what will I wear? You know, it happened just that quick. But I found myself telling my child, Jeff, you have to do what you think is right. This is your son, not mine. I wanted to shriek at him and say, let him go, you idiot. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. Anyway, Budweiser wanted to sponsor him and they put him down here in Norman, Oklahoma at Nadia Comaneci and Bart Connors Clinic and Ryan was down here for a year and a half and Ryan has just fallen and he has an AC joint separation. So no Olympics, he's done, you guys. He's done dealing. But you know, that's beside the point. He had a wonderful, I was doing worse than he was with it, let me tell you. He said, Grandma, I've had a wonderful experience down here. I'm going to teach someday. He said, it's not all lost here. I've met so many wonderful people and he loves Nadia and Bart Connors and those people. But you know, I wanted to go to Greece this summer. I really wanted to go to Greece in August. That's how selfish I am but it's not going to happen. But anyway, on my 20th day birthday, this baby called me about 10 o'clock at night. It was his very first day down in Norman, Oklahoma. And he said, Grandma, I'm so sorry to call you so late. And I said, it is never too late to call your grandmother. Don't you ever think that. And he said, oh, Grandma, I wanted to wish you a happy 20th day birthday. And you guys, I just stood there and cried like a baby. And he said, oh, Grandma, I didn't make you cry. And I said, you didn't make me cry, Ryan. I'm crying because I'm so happy you called me. And he said, oh, Grandma, we're so proud of you. And I thought, oh, stop. But anyway, the same thing happened on AA birthday number 21 and number 22. And by God, Ryan, you keep those phone calls coming because your grandma loves every single one of them, I've got to tell you. So you never know what's going to happen in Alcoa Exonymous. If you're new here tonight, your family's not speaking to you, don't worry about it. Just take the direction your sponsor's giving you. Work with others. Come in here and do the deal. And maybe it'll turn around for you like it did for me someday. But I had no hope for that at one time. And, boy, I was wrong about it. But anyway, I'm delighted to be here now. I love this conference. This is my second time here. And Clancy and I spoke in 1997 together. And we had a great time down here. So I was so thrilled when David asked me to come again. You know, it's always nice to be invited. But it's doubly nice to be invited back, let me tell you. So anyway, I'm also delighted that you don't have a glass plume. You can see your speaker. I had this terrible experience on the East Coast. I was out there talking. Right when I talked, my skirt fell off in front of 3,000 people. And I had this black suit on with this wraparound skirt. And the button came down. And I thought, my God, my skirt's going to fall on the floor. And it was too late. It was on the floor. But you guys, you know what? Appalachian Moments has taught me to wear underwear. And thank God I had some on. It's also taught me to take action. I just picked up that skirt and kept right on talking. What else can you do? I grew up in Lincoln, Nebraska. You guys, I came from a wonderful home in Lincoln, Nebraska. And I want you to know that. And my mother wants you to know it too. I'll guarantee you that. You know, my mom died 12 years ago. And God, I miss her so much. I can't begin to tell you. And boy, folks, you only get one. And when they're gone, they're gone, let me tell you. And I made amends to her many, many years ago. We had a wonderful relationship the last few years of our life and stuff. But I just miss her so much. And I come from an alcoholic home. And I don't think that's neither here nor there. I don't do well with people who stand at AA podiums and blame anybody for anything. And my father died from this disease on the streets of Chicago in 1979. And you tell me how a major in the Air Force dies on Skid Row. I don't know how that happened. I didn't know the fact that he was an alcoholic. And whether he found AA or not, I do not know. So I just know that he certainly did not stay sober as a result of it. So one more time tonight, this is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that kills people. This is not a game I'm playing up here. This is serious business. And I would give any word if my father were alive tonight because we would have a lot to talk about, I can tell you. I have a sister who is Miss Rah-Rah in high school and homecoming queen and cheerleader and all that kind of stuff and made straight A's and never cracked a book. And I made straight F's and never cracked a book. And that was the difference. My sister was a beautiful little girl. She's a gorgeous woman today. She looks nothing like I do, I've got to tell you. And she was a model for many, many years for Neiman Marcus in Dallas. And now she's retired and teaches school in the West Indies. And I've got to tell you guys as a direct result of this program, I love my sister very, very much tonight. And I found out something about her. She's also very beautiful on the inside too and I never used to know that. I have a brother who was a fighter pilot in the Navy for many, many years. And my brother retired a couple of years ago in August and did a 9-11 in Iraq and so forth. He's been called back in the service. And you know, my brother is really old to be a fighter pilot. You guys, he's 51 years old. We were growing up, I thought he was such a dork I can't begin to tell you. Straight as an arrow mic, doesn't drink, doesn't use drugs, doesn't screw around. He was an embarrassment to me if you want to know the truth. And tonight I'm so proud of that man I cannot begin to tell you. You wouldn't catch me over Iraq in any fighter plane but neither one of these people are alcoholic. I have another sister who's married the public defender in Lincoln, Nebraska who got me out of a whole bunch of trouble when I got sober. And I'm welcome in their homestay and I never used to be. I come from basically a very boring family if you want the truth. They're high successful people and they bore me to tears. I love them but they bore me to tears. And I have a couple of kids who are 43 and 44 years old and I know I certainly don't look old enough to have kids that age but by God I sure do. And this is where it really starts getting interesting for me. These kids are anything but boring I got to tell you guys. As a matter of fact there are a couple of jerks if you want to know the truth. But you know what? Those couple of jerks have given me five of the most gorgeous grandbabies you have ever seen before in your life. And those babies have never seen their grandmother drink and I hope to God that they never do and stuff. But you know, like I said, things with my family are very, very good tonight and I thank you for that. That's the most precious thing I've gotten at Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I really don't remember my first drink you guys but I can tell you that I hope to God I never forget my last one. And I hope it was my last one. Remember what alcohol did for me from the very beginning. It made me feel like I belonged. I could be anything I wanted to be. I could do anything I wanted to do. I drank at any given opportunity after that and I was probably about 13 years old. You know, I realize that I'm going to meet at Alcoholics Anonymous tonight and I honor your podium by talking about alcoholism up here. I used a lot of drugs too. Make that a small part of my story. My sponsor encourages me to do that. You know, when I was growing up in Nebraska, there just wasn't a lot of drugs on the street. But I'll guarantee you I found every single one of those drugs. You know, there was some marijuana and speed and stuff and today if you get caught for possession of marijuana you get a ticket, big deal. When I was growing up, you went to prison is what happened to you and that didn't scare me. Absolutely nothing scared me. I didn't think I wasn't supposed to be doing it. I'm one of these alcoholic females and I hate to say this from an AA podium but it's precisely the way that it was for me and we're supposed to tell the truth up here that if you pat me on the head my pants fall off is what happens to me and I got myself into a lot of trouble when I was growing up. I absolutely love men. I love everything about them. You name it about them and I love them and they've been the downfall of my entire existence and they remain the same today I'm sorry to say and I particularly like sick men. There's a room full of them here tonight I can tell you. You know, I can just feel it. You know, I'm 59 years old you guys and I have a boyfriend. You better well believe I have a boyfriend. He lives in New York and he lives in New York. And I live in L.A. That's why we get along so well and stuff. You know, I have the most perfect relationship you guys. Would you like to hear about my relationship? This relationship, shut up. You guys have been trying to sell my boyfriend for a long time. Here's what we do and this is what we're I'm not saying you should do this. I'm saying it works for me. You know, we see each other two or three times a month, go to the theater, go to the show, eat dinner, get laid and don't call me tomorrow. That's just the way I want it. You know, and so does he by the way. Sorry, but that's the way I feel Am I going to get in trouble for saying that probably? Vinoy Shaw has been trying to steal my boyfriend ever since I've had him. Isn't that disgusting? I got pregnant when I was six. Oh, I've got to tell you guys a funny story. I think it's very important I tell this story. You know, about 13 years ago I was in Nashville, Tennessee speaking and one of the fine ladies of Nashville, Tennessee, A.A. walked up to me afterwards I want you to know and this woman said to me, she said, you're disgusting and she wasn't kidding you guys. She meant every word of it and I said, lady, from where I come from being disgusting is a step up. I can assure you. I want you to sponsor me. I've flown to Nashville and asked you. You know, I hear some women get this podium and I wonder if they ever drank you guys. I really do. Do all their drinking and everyone says, shoot, she went through the keyhole with an eyedropper. I was out there big time. I got myself into a lot of trouble. I've been taught to share that for the Anacolis Anonymous and if I offend anybody here tonight, I would never offend anybody in the program that saved my life and besides that, my book tells me and this is my favorite part of our book. It says, clean the thought that in God's hands your dark past will be, will be the greatest possession that you have and it goes on to say because you can literally avert death and misery for others and I found that to be very, very true in my sobriety so if I offend anybody here tonight, I want to hear about it afterwards but anyway, I got pregnant when I was 16 years old and I had to get married and in my day, girls, you had to get married. There was no ifs, ands, and buts about that. It's just what we did and I was 16, he was 17. As it must be, I married an alcoholic. Most alcoholic women, I go for colorful, exciting men that beat the hell of you and all kinds of stuff and he wasn't even a man, you guys. He was only 17 years old and you know, we had no education. We hadn't even finished junior high yet and so we were doing minimum wage jobs and before we knew it, we had two babies to take care of and I quickly found out what caused all that and I put a halt to it, I'll guarantee you that and that caused me a lot of trouble throughout the years and as it must be, I married a man that refused to work. They drank on a daily basis. He's come on and beat me up on a daily basis and I had never seen a man hit a woman before in my life, you guys. I'll guarantee you one thing. If my dad would lay one hand on my mom's sheet and knock him from here to the moon, I got to tell you and I grew to hate this guy very, very much and I'm not blaming him for my disease so please don't get me wrong. It's just part of my story and I need to share it and somebody in that family had to get a job and like I said, I hadn't finished junior high yet for Christ's sakes and I found a job as a nurse at a hospital there in Lincoln and the magic was put in my life. I literally fell in love with nursing and I made a plan to myself. I would love to go to school and I'd love to become a registered nurse. That's what I would love to do. You know, they say that alcoholics don't have willpower and I'm here to tell you now from this podium that that is a bunch of crap. I have more willpower than 20 elephants. I have no willpower when it comes to my disease but when I want to do something, I'm going to do it and I went back, I finished junior high, I finished high school, I went to college full-time for three years and I worked full-time for three years and I'm talking about 18, 20 hours a day you guys and that is hard stuff to do. I did not drink, not use any drugs during this period of time. At the age of 27 years old, I became a registered nurse and if you think I'm proud to stand here tonight and tell you that I got jerked in front of the State Board of Nursing Nebraska and they told me you are a disgrace to your profession, you're a disgrace to nursing, you're a disgrace to medicine, you are no longer working because we just jerked your nursing license. If you think I'm proud of that, you are sadly wrong. You guys, I love my profession and I really, really mean that and I would never do anything to jeopardize the people that I take care of nor the people that I work with under ordinary circumstances and what I had to tell you tonight is a story about how I threw it right down the toilet so I could drink and that is total insanity. It's also called alcoholism. At the age of 27, 27 years old, I divorced this man and girls, I got to tell you that a whole new world opened up to me and it's called men and alcohol and I went absolutely hog wild is what I did. I was engaged eight times during that divorce. I never did marry these people. Two of them died from alcoholism. I know nothing about social drinking. I drank, ran with alcoholics and we do indeed die from this and at the age of 27 years old, I went to work in surgery at a hospital there in Nebraska and I had that job for 19 years. I love working in the operating room. I love taking care of those patients. It's a colorful, exciting nursing position. I drank, ran with medical people mostly. They were colorful, intense people. They worked hard and they played. And I got to tell you guys that the instance of alcoholism amongst my profession is tremendously high and that I do a lot for your security if you're going to have surgery next week. It has to be very, very true and those people are so grateful that I'm sober that they can't see straight and I'm talking about alcoholics is what I'm talking about. You know, in our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says clearly that we're to tell in a general way what our drinking was like. You're going to get the general idea real quick what my drinking was like. I can tell you guys can in five seconds flash me with the truth. Many, many years ago, I was at a concert in upstate New York called Woodstock and I'm not talking about that piece of crap they had nine years ago. I'm talking about the real Woodstock and there will never be another one, trust me on that. The kids from the 60s threw a party that nobody will ever match, I'm quite sure. You know why there'll never be another one? That wasn't supposed to happen to begin with. Anyway, New York got wind they're going to have this big event and they told these people if you don't get medical coverage you are not going to have this concert. They started hiring people from Nebraska. They thought it would be more responsible and we were a seedy lot I can assure you. I was the first drunk to sign up for this deal and nine girls I worked with had joined me and met about 80 doctors from New York and there we were at Woodstock. I'd never seen so much alcohol in one place in my entire life. You could have floated a bath for no problem whatsoever and the drugs it was like a candy store and we were sharing narcotics with everybody else and we had this great big semi-truck on that back lot of Woodstock that was our hospital park back there and I recall being in that semi the entire week but I do recall it was like a stamp on the stage that night that Richie Haven sang Freedom Joe Cocker and Country Joe Santana's groups that I love. I come from the roaring 60s you guys and I love rock and roll let me tell you things have not changed in my life one little tiny bit I loved Elvis Presley and Janis Joplin was my lady let me tell you wouldn't Janis Joplin have been a fine member of Alcoholics Anonymous you guys I'd have hung out with Janis let me tell you I'd have traded Janis for Clancy any day that we could do that is a big fat lie do not tell him I said that I was just kidding I wouldn't trade my sponsor for 20 Janis Joplin but you know drinking for me at one time was a fun thing you guys it would be a lie for me to stand on the same thing but that but I cannot remember the fun I remember the pain that it caused me and one more time I am so grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous I cannot begin to tell you and you're going to soon see why you know the drunk driving charges the bad checks all the stuff that we eventually do my kids were in trouble I never could marry these guys I was engaged they kept dying from alcoholism and I thought you know I need to get married to my ex-husband again that's what I need to do the kids need their father besides that I need to get even with him for all the things that he's done to me and those are not very good reasons to get married again I got to tell you I'm certainly not proud as I stand here tonight you know if anybody in this room outside here is thinking about getting married to the same person twice don't do it you're going to be sorry the only way I can describe it is like taking a bite out of the same turd twice I danced that man through three of the most miserable years of his life on the face of this earth and I love to tell you guys this is Stormberry to tell you my sponsor always tells me that is not not funny and you should not be telling that from AA podiums and I said okay fine then I won't tell anymore and he said no go ahead and tell those people to see how sick you were and apparently how sick you still are and I'm still sick and I still think it's funny and I'm telling the story when I married him again I told him I said if you ever hit me again buddy I will kill you next time you hit me and he said I'll never hit you again ever and I said you better see that you don't and he lied is what he did and he came home drunk one night and I happened to be sober this night for some reason and I'll never know why because I usually wasn't and girls you know what guys do when they come home drunk they want to take you to bed and stuff and I was not buying it if there's anything I can't stand it's some drunk man mauling me when I'm sobering I will say that when the shoe's under your foot though it's fine with me that guy came home that guy came home and indicated that to me and I said you get your hands off me and leave me alone I wanted nothing to do with him period and he broke my arm and I'm here to tell you guys that I was pissed as a matter of fact I'm still pissed about it if you want to because I'm still pissed because I'm still pissed I told him I said you go to sleep on that couch and so help me God when you wake up you're going to wish you'd never been born and he sat up for hours you guys his eyes probably opened and as it must be he finally passed out and I started drinking martinis and this is a classic example of what alcohol did for me alcohol told me what to do I didn't tell it what to do I had about 8, 10 martinis and I was spilling no pain I can assure you and I was sitting there watching this guy and I hate to tell you what this man was doing but I can't tell you the story unless I can tell you what he was doing he was laying on the couch playing with himself I thought you disgusting man you make me sick to my stomach and the more I drank the madder I got you guys you know I'm a nurse and I'm very familiar with male anatomy and I'd be very familiar with male anatomy if I wasn't a nurse I thought to myself what can I do to get even with this guy for all the things he's done to me and I can't have this brilliant idea in my drunken stupor that's one thing we should never do folks is drink and think at the same time this was many many years ago you guys when super glue first came out and super glue was powerful stuff you know Mrs. Bob it has nothing on me I can assure you I was a 411st year when it got started I got that super glue and I read the directions on that super glue and like I said I was drunk and I wasn't seeing very clearly and what I thought those directions said were if this hits human skin you better get it off within 15 hours now why would it say something stupid like that what it said was in fact if this hits human skin you better get it off within 5 minutes is what it said and I'm with this guy I get so excited when I tell this story I could just do it all over again and I poured super glue all over this guy's groin and I mean everywhere there was not one place man I have super glue and I laughed about it and I went to bed and I woke up in the morning just screams of horror like you cannot even believe you know I did not mean to hurt this guy as bad as I did I swear to God that's true I'll tell you what happened to my ex-husband this guy never had the advantage of being circumcised when he was born and now he clearly was I can tell you we had a telephone by our bed there and our bed in there and we had a telephone and we had a telephone and he called the police and the cops were out from their home with their sirens going there was an ambulance out there you know one thing you've got to keep in mind here they did not see things like this happen in Lincoln, Nebraska and California would not surprise me one bit but certainly not there and the cops were laughing which made the whole thing was funny and they said lady are you crazy or what why would you do something like this and I stood there and I said what makes you think that I did it anyway and they said you have glue all over your hands for Christ's sake and you're under arrest for assault and battery I said you cannot arrest wives in Nebraska for assault and battery against their husbands I knew better than that and two days later when I got out of jail I guess I didn't know better than that and they took that man to the very hospital that I worked at in surgery and he had to have surgery and one more time the whole staff saw what Karen did and they took me to jail I might add and it turned out to be a terrible terrible thing those doctors there in Lincoln couldn't get that glue off and they had to get two surgeons down from Creighton University Medical School in Omaha, Nebraska to get that glue off and there's a paper in about that at Creighton and anybody in this room is thinking about going to medical school or you can read about it if you want to I'd always wanted a paper in about me but not like this I've got to tell you and I was sitting in that jail thinking to myself I am getting the hell out of this marriage when this guy comes home from the hospital he's going to glue something of mine shut and he would have too I've got to tell you I'm sorry but he would have and God only knows I couldn't have that happen you know but for those of you who don't know this that happened to a lady in Kentucky about three years ago it was on the national news and I was on the freeway in LA and I had a wreck when I heard that I thought oh my God I'm going to die I'm going to die my God better her than me I've got to tell you I divorced him one more time you know we have an amends step in this program and my sponsor made me get on an airplane and fly to Sacramento, California and make amends to my ex-husband where he currently lives and I tried to tell Clancy I'm not sorry that I did that therefore I'm going to have to make the amends he said get on that airplane and do what I'm asking you to do and maybe one of these days you will be sorry and I'm not telling anybody in this room tonight when that guy sees me he kind of backs up let me tell you but we were able to sit down and talk and stuff and I made my amends to him and I will tell you guys I walked away from that man I was free of what I had done to him I was free of being married to him twice and I will tell you for the first time in my sobriety the promises in the big book about Clarkson Thomas came true in my life and you know what else I found out about that motives mean nothing here folks my motives sucked on that one let me tell you but I still got the promises so go figure it's action not motives that count around here but I have to tell you guys a funny story I almost forgot to tell this I went up to Lompoc prison to speak about a year and a half ago and as most of us know it's the men's federal penitentiary in Central California and they have this monthly speakers meeting so they invite folks to come up and share and so forth so I drove up there and you have to go to the guard tower and you push a button and they say who are you and what is your business and I told them they said well Mrs. Garrison do you have any weapons on you any guns, knives, explosives and I said no and they said well Mrs. Garrison do you have any super glue on you for the first time in my life I was totally speechless you know they're in the guard tower laughing you guys it was so funny the prisoners put them up to it and stuff so I said well no as a matter of fact I don't they said well you can come on in I said okay so the prisoners took me to the meeting room and they had this blackboard in there and there was a great big circle with a slash no super glue in here you never know what's going to happen in Alcoholics Anonymous but anyway I divorced this guy one more time and I got involved with the most bizarre man I've ever met before in my life this guy told me he was in the mafia now I don't think anybody in Lincoln, Nebraska is in the mafia for Christ's sakes I was lying to him and he was lying to me it was your typical alcoholic nightmare is what it was I was drinking on a daily basis I was taking Valium for severe tremors I was starting to have it was beginning to be no more fun I've got to tell you guys you know I'm a nurse and I've studied alcoholism I knew all about it before I became one and it shows me one more time tonight what our book says is so true self-knowledge avails us nothing with this disease it's action that counts nowhere in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous do we have a chapter called into thinking we do have one that's called into action and that's the only reason I'm standing here 21 years sober 22 years sober and the day came to me the hospital told me we've had all the crap we're going to take off for you Karen you're the finest nurse on this staff but we're tired of reading about you in the paper you obviously have a drinking problem we cannot read about our nursing staff gluing husbands drunk driving charges bad checks all the stuff that you're doing everything you do in Nebraska is in the paper I'm sorry to say and they knew my game let me tell you they said you're either going to a treatment center or you're out of here I said you can't run this place without me not only can they they still are folks but anyway I walked out of a job that I loved more than even the whole world and I cannot say that enough tonight and I drank and I drank and I died and I died a thousand times over I went to work at a nursing home there in Lincoln and what I'm about to share with you guys is something I am not proud to discuss from any AAPodium it took me years into my sobriety before I would ever mention this I found myself stealing drugs from that nursing home and it wasn't because I like drugs it has nothing to do with anything I would drink any day over any drug I could name but I was physically addicted to alcohol by now I had to have this stuff I couldn't drink at work so I started stealing narcotics it's just that damn simple and I was stealing morphine and dimerol and cocaine and Valium and I'd get my hands on and if you think I'm proud of that you are sad you're probably wrong and the day came for me the people that ran that place came up to me and they said Karen what is wrong with you you are just weird is what you are you take good care of the patients you're a great nurse but you're just strange and I remember thinking to myself you'd be strange too if you had 200 milligrams of dimerol on board you'd be strange too and I threw my keys at them and I walked out the door before they fired me and I went to work at Bryan Memorial Hospital there in Lincoln and you guys it's a fine fine facility and I was drunk on that everybody got that nursing position and I'm not talking about falling down drunk I was just maintaining a certain level of alcoholism in my bloodstream that I would not shake and have those violent tremors that is clearly desperation drinking our book describes it vividly and I was in the hot water up to my yin yang let me tell you the very thought that I might drink again makes the hair on my neck stand straight up and that's why I'm an active active member of Alcoholics Anonymous but the day came for me when I got caught red-handed and stolen some more from the hospital and this has got to be without a doubt the most humiliating day of my entire life when they said you give us your narcotic keys and you get out of this hospital don't you ever walk back in here again we're reporting this to the State Board of Nursing Nebraska that's exactly what they did that's exactly what they should have done my little job should have done too as a matter of fact and long story short here tonight I lost my nursing license and to make a long story short and short of me here tonight I went up on the streets of Nebraska is what happened to me and you guys I spent two years on the streets and I traveled the Midwest I prostituted myself and I'll guarantee you one thing that I have seen and done things that no woman should ever see her doing I'm still so sick in the head sometimes I think to myself I wouldn't mind seeing some of them again you know and my sponsor assures me I'm still a very ill person because I'm still thinking that kind of crap and you know I've been in nut houses I've been in detoxes I've been in jails I've been in institutions I cannot think of a thing down the streets as a practicing female alcoholic things happened to me I would not repeat from this podium tonight but I'm sure that you had the general idea and two years went by for me and there I was back there in Lincoln standing on skid row sucking on a bottle of Mad Dog and I certainly have better things intended for myself than to be doing that I've got to tell you I will never forget that last day of my drinking as long as I live and I hope to God it was the last day of my drinking although I really can't tell you that much about it if you want to know the truth I apparently was so physically sick I just passed down the streets is what happened to me but before that happened there was a Hilton Hotel adjacent to that skid row area and I remember thinking to myself two years ago I used to stand on top of the Hilton Hotel and drink martinis with surgeons what am I doing standing on skid row drinking with these people and I'd rather imagine those folks felt the same way when they arrived there and like I said I can't tell you much about it at all I woke up in an intensive care ward the very hospital I was born at the very hospital that I worked at for 19 years and I will tell you guys clearly that the alcoholics the alcoholic health for me started when I got sober you know I'm not a very big person I only weighed 95 pounds when I got sober and I was coming off a quarter whatever a day and 200 milligrams of Valium a day that is a lot of booze that's a lot of pills and I had a lot of dying let me tell you they say that most alcohol withdrawal is over within three days and perhaps it is for some people it certainly was not for me it was going to be a long long time before I was going to start feeling better I laid in that intensive care ward I had tubes come out of my belly they were draining and flit off my liver I had IVs going and I found myself in withdrawal that was so bad I cannot begin to tell you guys and I laid in that intensive care ward and I shook and I shook and I died and I died for 30 solid days and I'd scream at those nurses and demand they give me narcotics for this withdrawal and they wouldn't give me a damn thing they said Karen listen to us there's nothing wrong with your heart it's not throwing any irregularities you're not getting one damn drug so quit asking us for them you need to fill one of those tremors and maybe you'll never do it again and I did not want to hear that let me tell you but let me tell you what these people did for me and I'll be forever grateful as long as I'm sober and I'll collect some of this they got 10 members of AA to come and sit with me and you know I just want to say something real quickly here because I feel so strongly about this because it saved my life once in a while at AA I hear people say not very many people and I hardly ever hear it but when I hear it I want to throttle them by the neck they say things like we don't go on this the alcoholic calls us ladies and gentlemen I am standing here 22 years sober tonight I never made any damn phone call where did that crap come from if it's good enough for our co-founders by God it's good enough for us I think Bill called Bob as the story goes I don't think Bob called Bill I don't think Bill I hope I never forget where the hell I'm coming from around here and my responsibility statement does indeed say when anyone anywhere reaches out for help we want the hand of AA always to be there and for that I'm responsible the nurses reached out the alcoholics responded and I have to believe as a direct result that I am standing here 22 years sober tonight so I hope I never forget where I'm coming from around here but anyway you know I just love these people I fell in love with these people there was nobody in my life no family nothing and they were talking to me for the first time in a long time people were talking to me again and they said things like Karen just keep breathing that's all you got to do is breathe and I say when is this withdrawal going to stop and they said when it's time that's what's going to stop and that wasn't good enough for me I wanted a date is what I wanted and they couldn't give me a date and they were absolutely accurate about that when it's time it's time and at 30 days of sobriety I went to an official treatment pump at a hospital I'm a product of a treatment center I have no opinion on one way or the other but apparently I went to a fine one because all they talked about was alcoholics and boy there's a lot of bad ones out there you guys let me tell you and thank God I went to a good one you know when I went through treatment a lot of people got kicked out of treatment for fraternizing I didn't nobody wants to fraternize with an orange person I can assure you they used to bring the patients over to the hospital and they'd say look at her see what's going to happen to you if you keep on drinking look at her how dare you bring people in my room and say stuff like that but you know what you guys I am really in retrospect tonight I'm really glad they did that I get to think about that before I pick up any drink but I was not a quick study in that inpatient 30 day program due to my rotten behavior I was in there for seven long months that's a long time being inpatient 30 day program but I completed the inpatient program and I went to an outpatient program and I went to an evening care program and I went to an aftercare program and I found myself a very very active member of Alcoholics Anonymous in Lincoln Nebraska and I rapidly went through 19 sponsors in that town I would tell the new people you don't need to read the book and you don't need a sponsor we can do what I do around here this is an individual program and needless to say I was not real popular with the old timers in Lincoln Nebraska you guys the old timers are so precious to me as I stand here tonight but not 1982 I could have cared less one way these people thought and you can pull your crap out here just for so long and these old timers are going to start nailing you one way or the other God love them you know old timers and Alcoholics Anonymous they literally saved my life and boy they are dying off right and left I got to tell you guys and they have taught me well I got to tell you but anyway this old guy with 29 years of sobriety he said come outside I want to talk to you you stay away from new people how dare you tell the new people in the AA they read the book and they need a sponsor he said you're like a typhoid Mary in AA everybody dies around you but you're able to stay sober somehow he said you stay away from new people and he went on to tell me there's going to be a man from California speaking in Nebraska this weekend his name is Clancy you're going to have this man speak and ask this man if he will sponsor you he is a master dealing with jerks like you and I heard all about Clancy and I want nothing to do with him period because I knew I was going to be in bad bad trouble and I got to tell you guys that my fears have been justified 8,000 times over I told this old timer I said who do you think you are that you're going to tell me he's going to be my sponsor now he said if you don't get in that car and go with us Saturday I'm going to tell everybody how you stole money from an AA meeting and I'll guarantee you I was in that car going to Carney Nebraska I paid that money back too by the way I did I really did pay it back you should never give newcomers money folks but I will tell you that from a podium in Carney Nebraska that that man literally put the magic about Clancy Thomas my life my life has never been the same since that talk anybody that knows me will tell you that's very very true and I found myself wanting that man for a sponsor I wouldn't have asked him to sponsor me in a million years trust me I would have asked him and there I was walking across that convention for that's how God works in my life you guys he does for me apparently what I can't do for myself and so forth but I went to Clancy and I said I'd like to ask you to be my sponsor and he said I don't sponsor people on long distance spaces but I'm going to do this for you because if I don't do it for you I'm going to die somewhere but he said I'm going to tell you something little girl and I'm going to say this one time and one time only you're going to call me every day I tell you not to call me every day you are going to read that book sponsor people become an active member of Alkalex Phenomens you're not going to argue with me defend your actions to me you're going to do what I ask you to do and if you don't want to do that then get yourself a different sponsor and you guys you want to talk about we stood at the turning point this is there in my recovery really to begin in Alkalex Phenomens and I said two words that I almost fell over when I said them I said yes sir I don't tell people yes sir trust me I do not one more time God do it for me and I can't do it for myself respect is going to start for me somewhere I went back to Lincoln I became very active in the right way I am not bragging about Alkalex Phenomens and the next direction my sponsor gave me I want you to get that nursing license back I tried to tell this man I cannot get that kind of humiliation he said Karen are you arguing with me I said no he said get the state board of nursing Nebraska tell those people you've been sober in a year and a half you got the opportunity to get your license back I had grown horns on the top of my head I had to take crap off people for two years I had to keep my mouth shut in the process one of the happiest days of my life occurred 18 years ago one more time I was in front of the state board of nursing Nebraska and what they told me to my niece for the first time they said welcome home you're fully reinstated as a registered nurse and as a gift from AA I went to California to visit a couple of times I fell in love with Southern California AA and I found myself telling my sponsor on the phone one day I want to move to LA live in that crazy business beach with all those crazy people I knew I'd feel like a glove and I've been wrong about that either but I'm the Pacific group I want to work at UCLA in the operating room and be in two of their transplant teams I want this and I want that and every single of those things have come true for me and those are all gifts from AA I deserve none of them by God I'm taking all of them you know early on Clancy asked me he said Karen where are you at with your spiritual program I said Clancy I don't believe in God I read a paragraph to him and tell him what I thought that meant then he would tell me what he thought it meant we've been through the whole book together and what a great experience that was the first time in 64 pages anyway but anyway he flipped open the book and he says you get a daily reprieve contingent on a spiritual maintenance with a paragraph in yourself he said there's going to be a magic words to my sponsor what do you want me to do he said I want you to get on your knees in the morning get on your knees at night I want you to pray for God's will I thought this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen him but I did it it's lame but I'm doing it I didn't feel any connection with God I felt he said that's the point of the whole thing are you stupid or what I wasn't playing with a full deck when I arrived here it took me a long long time to get these little simple things in 1985 I found myself in Montreal Canada at the World Conference of Alcoholics Anonymous if you guys haven't experienced a world conference I will see you next summer in Toronto Canada but anyway I drove straight through with five alcoholics I made the sixth alcoholic in that car straight through from Lincoln Nebraska to Montreal Canada I wouldn't do it again if you paid my way I wouldn't do it again but anyway we had no place to stay we only had $100 a piece but by God we were going to that world conference we had to sleep outside we were going got to Montreal at $1,000 over alcoholics in that football stadium and I was in all of alcoholics anonymous in absolutely all of this program they were down in the football field practicing for a flag ceremony and Clancy was down there helping them direct that flag ceremony and I know this all sounds real hokey to new people but the longer I stay sober the hokey I get for some reason but alcoholics from all the world carrying their national flags and you guys I'm from Nebraska and I was impressed let me tell you I'm impressed today when people from all the world now collect anonymous and I ran back up and joined my friends and that flag ceremony started and I will never forget this as long as I live I'll never forget this when the United States of America's flag touched the turf of my life I got tears in my eyes I did not try and stop and for the first time with any amount of sincerity any amount of sincerity whatsoever I said oh God thank you for getting me here please help me to stay here please help me to love this program as much as these people do and I will tell you guys in a foreign country in a foreign land I came to believe in a paragraph of myself by watching and being with the people now collect anonymous I really believe the old adage that we seem ready to see we hear and ready here and not before I also believe the actions my sponsor gave me got me to that point it's like do it till you believe it just keep doing it whether you believe or not and anyway for one solid second my world stopped and I remember that woman who was standing on skid row in Lincoln Nebraska who literally could not quit drinking you guys who literally could not get sober and there she was two and a half years sober I personally believe this thing is divinely inspired how could anybody not believe that and being here as long as I've been and I taught that God every day sincerely since because I believe what I've been taught here I get a daily reprieve and that's all that I get you guys I worked in surgery at UCLA for many many years I had back surgery had to get out of there I could no longer do OR nursing I was not doing well with my back so I went to a surgical instrument company and I didn't really want to do corporate stuff like that but you know I fell into this job and I love that damn job now I wish I'd always worked there forever you know hell they pay me 46 bucks an hour I'll take that you know and I get 6% of what I sell and all I really do is service for contracts but anyway I was on the heart number transplant teams for years at UCLA and I love that job I resent the hell I had to leave that place but now I'm glad I did but anyway anyway about 11 years ago you know my sponsor was trying to teach me you have to do what God gives you to do you have got to do what God gives you to do what's on your plate I said what are you talking about he said why don't you just answer the damn phone when it rings just for started you know you guys when I got sober I did not have a telephone it took me a long time to get a telephone by the time I got one it was bill collectors I sure as hell didn't want to talk to them but I still picked up that phone took the direction and started answering the phone I am 86,000 dollars in debt only took me 18 short years to do it it's like paying for dead horses everywhere but I got out of debt you know but anyway so I started answering the telephone so this one night I had off 72 hours this particular week and you were like too hungry angry lonely or tired I was a bitch is what I was so tired I couldn't even see straight and I went home and went to bed early and the phone rang about 2 o'clock in the morning and I thought I'm not answering that damn phone it's somebody I sponsor wanting to whine about something or it's my boss wanting me to come to work and my head told me pick up the damn phone somebody's in trouble you guys have taught me well I'm sorry to say but so I picked up the telephone sure enough it was my boss she said I've got 18 people sick over here tonight I need your help I have nobody to do it get over here and help me I said I have worked 72 hours this week I can't even think straight I'm so tired she said Karen I can't help but I need you I have nobody and the phone went dead I was going to call my sponsor but I don't want to talk to him about nothing at 2 o'clock in the morning I know he told me nobody ever died from lack of sleep Karen I said there's a first time for everything classy I'm so glad I did because the most precious thing happened I got over there I sent my order upstairs to bring our little patient down to surgery he called me in the back and said you're not going to believe all the people in this family I thought that's nice I was so crabby we had a jet coming from New York we had time to kill the patient the first thing I noticed was the mother she had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen before in my life there was about 75 80 people in this family I thought how highly unusual at 4 o'clock in the morning I ever so gently fell in love with this little baby girl dying from some strange liver thing she had a blanket wrapped on that bear I said you brought your little baby bear down to surgery she said her little bear was going to have a liver transplant I said oh you're both going to have one she said no no just the bear we sent the family out the waiting room and the mom was hysteric this little girl looked at me and said why is my mommy crying go tell my mommy not to cry I can't stand when mommy cries and because of alcohol synonymous I was able to tell that baby the truth and I said your mommy is crying because the baby did not go well we almost lost that baby a couple times due to blood loss I have never seen a team of people hold together like we did tonight for that child and 16 hours later she went up to her room with not much hope at all I got to tell you guys she had lost a tremendous amount of blood well we said some prayers on that one let rule at UCLA you may not get involved in these transplant patients and when the organs come from we cannot tell them it's best not to see them after surgery I thought I'm just going to go up and see her and see how she's doing I'm not going to talk to anybody so when that baby was six days post off in that transplant I went to that child's room and I stood in that hall and I just cried like a baby it is not cool to see the nursing staff ball and that whole room full of people in there and something caught my eye and I'll be damned if our book wasn't sitting on that kid's dresser and it all made sense to me and I was in that room like a flash and I said whose book is that and she said so is my husband her sponsor was there his sponsor was there and those 75 80 people driven 500 miles to be with this family they were not from the LA area and they showed me one more time what this thing is all about it's about love and service and that's all it's about and I was impressed let me tell you and I said the mom I said how long have you been sober and she said five years today I thought oh my god her baby up for the first time what a fabulous birthday present and stuff and I walked over this child and she stopped dead in her tracks and she looked at me and she said go away I'm not sick anymore and I said I had my scrub clothes on and scared the hell out of her and I said I know why she gave me the bear to get me the hell away from it and I told the mom I said I cannot take that baby's bear home that bear went through this kid's liver transplant we had it by her little head her entire surgery you guys and she said Karen please take it she wants you to have it she's got 50 bears bears in this room and she did indeed have 50 bears in that room and I felt like a fool walking down the hall with that bear that bear was my most prized possession for many years they got to be too important to me my little granddaughter says to me grandma can I have that bear and I said it's grandma's bear and she said grandma will buy you 50 bears she said but I want that one grandma I said it's grandma's bear I said that to my little grand baby anyway it got so bad he said give her the damn bear and quit being so damn selfish I thought I'm getting a different sponsor that is the last straw by God obviously I didn't so that bear sits in Lincoln Nebraska brand he's 22 years old now and has her own family band days intact he's a perfect bear I got the memory that's good enough I thought I need to reciprocate here I obviously was not prepared for a birthday party I remember something was in my pocket that Clancy gave me when I was five years sober I was now 11 years sober I hung on that medallion for six years too long the reason that's in my pocket there's narcotic keys next to that medallion I'll tell you I gave it to her she said Karen I can't take that I said no I want you to have it I really meant that the nurses got wind of this we got a take for the mother we celebrated her five years of sobriety I got my sponsor on the telephone within three hours he had about 50 cars in front of UCLA and I could not begin to tell you guys how proud I was to take those people to my home group there's been no more contact with them it's got to be that way for many many reasons but now that baby's doing very very well and stuff and the point I'm trying to make here I could have missed the whole damn thing if I wouldn't have picked up that telephone how many times in my life have I missed and I need you in 1982 you've taught me how to live you've taught me how to love you've taught me how to keep my pants up and all those things and I don't do any of those things very well but I'll tell you the one thing that I do with 200% absolute perfection and that is this that I love this program more than anything in the whole world and it's truly a story from an alcoholic hell I cannot even describe I have truly been given just like the big book of alcoholics anonymous says I have truly been given the keys to the kingdom and I'm going to say one more thing and I'm going to shut my mouth here right on time it has been one hell of a walk from Skid Row in Nebraska to where I stand in Oklahoma tonight and I think that but for the grace of God now I would have missed it all thank you so much for having me and thank you for my life