Ninety Days. Two Jobs. No Car. Pages 86 Through 88. – Sheila A.

Good morning. My name is Sheila Armstrong. I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober through God's grace, actions in AA, and sponsorships since December 15th of 84. And I'm very grateful. You bet. I want to thank Erin for being a great hostess. She picked me up at the airport, and, you know, she's been very attentive, but not so attentive that, you know, I can't breathe, which I like. But, you know, because I'm on the move. I'm on the move, and I'm hard to hostess because I'm always going somewhere. And so she was perfect. She was a perfect hostess, and she's active in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I love that. I love people who love AA, you know, because that's what I've learned to do. I love the speakers this weekend. Bill was, you know, he loves AA, you can tell. He and his wife, Sandy, have just been, you know, I've got to sit with them a lot. This weekend, and it's just been a real privilege. And, of course, Bob, you were at a conference when I was a newcomer. I mean a baby in this program. And my father had invited you. And, God, he and I weren't best buds back then. And you just set me straight. You set it straight for me, and I'm always grateful for that. And in such an eloquent way, just such a gorgeous way. And. Tom, I always loved Tom. He was at a conference that I was at this summer. And I know how hard it is to put on a conference. I'm on a couple of boards on conferences, and you all just worked really, really hard. And I want to thank Tom for being in touch with me and my gift basket. I love that. And the Pringles were great. And, you know, just the pin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the little, the flower, I mean, it's not like people were pinning flowers on me when I got here. Okay? I want to tell you that. That this is, you know. I don't take anything for granted. And Tom was just awesome. I love to listen to him. My sponsor, you know, my sponsor, my sponsor spoke Friday night and I, you know, I could just listen to her forever because she and I, as you will hear, were raised absolutely opposites of each other. I mean, she was raised in just a different life than I had, but we're so much alike, you know, because she understands me. You know, she absolutely understands me because she's alcoholic. She's just totally different than I am, but we're exactly the same. And I think that's what's so beautiful about, you know, this program. I believe we share the language of the heart. I've had two sponsors, and we have not ever had anything. We're not, like, in common. Both of them were my first sponsor was a teacher. She taught. She was a teacher, and her dad was, like, a Baptist minister. My dad was not a Baptist minister. But we were the same, and that's what I think is so interesting about this program, and I'm just really grateful that I got to come this weekend, and I want to thank you all very much. I was born in Oklahoma to two normal alcoholic parents. They were. You know, they just, they were divorced before I ever remember they were married. I have a brother who's 13 months younger than I am, and I don't really, didn't really remember my dad. I remember he left when I was, like, three, and so my mother was a nurse, and I loved my mother. My mother, I just thought, I remember in kindergarten, she would come to school to pick me up, and I felt so proud of her. Because she was a nurse, and they wore white, and they wore their caps back then, and on a cold day, they wore these blue capes, and I thought, that's my mom. You know, I just thought, I loved her. My mother was a really bad drunk, and, but I just remembered, she was one of those alcoholics, I believe, that she drank and went places for a while. She was real. And she would, like, not be, like. She would take us to Grandma's, and we'd have Sunday dinner, we called it dinner back then, and dinner, and then we'd take a nap, and she'd be gone for two months. I mean, that's just, you know, okay. And, you know, and it's just the way it was, and I remember all I wanted was for her to come home. You know, I don't remember being so angry at her or mad. I just wanted her to come home. And one time she left in one of these deals that she did, and she was gone. She was a missing person. And it was just really, it was really sad. And, but when she did come back, I was never really mad. I remember she went to Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember some people taking her to meetings at night. And for some reason, she could not or would not get this way of life. You know, she could not. And one of these, she was gone on time. My grandmother was a sweet lady, and the social people came, the social workers came, and we went to live in our very first foster home. And we would live in this foster. We lived in our first foster home in Oklahoma. All of a sudden, one day, the foster mother goes, well, your dad's coming to get you. I'm like, great. What's a dad, you know? So he shows up, and my dad was a very large man and had a big, deep voice. So he walks in with a Thumbelina doll in one hand and a mitt in the other and goes, hi, I'm dad. And I thought, this is not going to work. It's just not going to work. He's, no. And I, because I was a mama's girl. I loved my mom. And my brother cried because he always wanted a dad. So we get on a plane, and we go to Los Angeles, where he lives. And we go to Los Angeles, where he lives. And we go to Los Angeles, where he lives. And he had married a nice Mexican lady. And about 30,000 relatives picked us up at the airport. And they were hugging and kissing and pinching and loving. And I thought, this ought to be fun. You know, I like excitement. And then we got on a freeway. And, I mean, I'm in heaven. I thought, this is great. And we went back to my uncle's house, my Tio Mondo's house for a fiesta, you know, and you party. And they cry. You drink, and they cry, and they fight, and they make up. And I loved it. I like that. I love that. And I thought, I'm going to fit in well here. And my stepmother was a wonderful lady. She was really neat. Unfortunately, my father's disease was progressing along. And I woke up one day, and she was gone. And she had left. And I didn't see my real mother from the time I was seven until I was 19. And I would not see her again from this time until I was 18. And I'm starting to feel. I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me. What's wrong with me? And my brother and I would say, you know, we're going to be really good. And, you know, and we had these things going on. We didn't know it was alcoholism. Well, I mean, I didn't know it was alcoholism. I just kept thinking there was something wrong with me. And so we went to, she left, and my father, a friend, took us to Arizona. And because my father was in a lot of trouble. And so we went to live with an aunt and uncle in Arizona. And we stayed there for a while. And then when I was 10 years old, which was like a year later, I was 10 years old. Something. Magnificent happened in my life. My father got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it would change my life forever. And I didn't even know it. He got a sponsor. And this sponsor was a man of action. He was in an active group. And what they decided was that my aunt and uncle couldn't keep taking care of us because they had their own children and things. But that we would come back to California and go to a foster home temporarily. And it was a hard decision. I used to think they just made decisions and put us off somewhere. And today I know, because I've talked to them and I got the privilege of hearing my father talk, that these were really painful decisions and hard to do. And so he and Clancy had to make this decision. And we went to live in this foster home. Well, it was a black foster home. And I felt different. You know. And it was temporary. It was a temporary home. Because they were going to wait until a white foster home opened up, I guess. And we ended up living there three and a half years. And it was a wonderful place. And my foster mother was a wonderful person. And I think that God just took care of us. I don't know. I just believe that. She had a son of her own and a husband. And my foster mom, we called her Mom Betty and Daddy Leo. And they were good to us. I had a beautiful room. I'm in a beautiful room. I didn't even share it with anybody until other kids came. But it was a girl. And she was nice. My brother and I always shared rooms. And she was just good to us. And then other kids came to the home. A little Mexican girl came to the home. And a little Sioux Indian boy. He was like my baby. He was two and a half. And I just loved him. And so. And I always say this because I get a visual. When we were sitting. We'd sit around the breakfast table and eat breakfast or lunch. And it looked like a meeting of the Junior United Nations. You know. And it was a neat place. It was neat. And we would like go. We were big on socks and underwear. And we only had a bag of clothes between us. And she's like we got to go to Kmart. And we did. And we would like. And after. You know. I remember when we went and got school clothes. Which was a while later. And she always got us. She always wanted us crisp. We were crisp. And I loved crisp. I'm still like crisp today. And you know. She was. She taught me how to clean a house. And she was just a really wonderful lady. And we would like follow her through Kmart. You know. And we called her mom. Mama. And we would you know. Beg for things. And here she's got this trail. Like a rainbow behind her. You know. And mom. Mom. And you know. People were looking at her very strange. Like that woman's been very busy. And we just. You know. And it was a wonderful time. Unfortunately at that time the world was going through changes. And you know. The Black Panthers would show up at school. I'm pretty white. She'd come get us. You know. And there was ignorance. And I'd come home. And I'd be honky. She goes. Oh. That's ignorance honey. And you know. And then I'd come home. What's a cracker? And you know. I was learning a new world of vocabulary at this time. And you know. But we didn't have that in our home. I think it was just like. It was. We didn't even know we were different colors. You know. The beauty of that. I always think of. The world could learn a lesson from that. We didn't even. I didn't even know I was white. I thought we were all the same color. Whichever. It was like a no color. You know. And. But the world unfortunately had its opinions and things. And we walked through that. And she was wonderful. I lived there for three and a half years. My father met a nice lady. And now call it synonymous. My father came to visit me all the time. And my brother. He always came to visit. Because he had a sponsor that said. You will visit them. You know. You will do these things. You will. You will make living amends to them. Until you can take care of them. Am I grateful that he had a sponsor that gave direction? Yes I am. It meant everything to this young lady. It meant everything to me today. Their other kids. Their parents did not come to visit. They weren't trying to get sober. They weren't trying to better their lives. Because they didn't have any direction. And I am so grateful. He didn't say. I feel weird when I go see him. I am sure he felt weird. I am sure he felt horrible when he had to leave. But he didn't stop doing it. Because he felt funny. You know. And I am so glad that he took actions that went against his nature. You know. Instead of feeling everything. And so. He met a nice lady in AA. She had two kids. He had two kids. And when they got together. It wasn't the Brady Bunch. I can tell you that. And it was crazy. And we weren't. We were trying to get better. It was a sick house. And we were trying to get well. And it was. We were wounded. We were all very wounded. And my stepmother who was a nice lady. She had had a son that had died of cystic fibrosis. And the son she had was dying of cystic fibrosis. And so she was trying to stay sober. Walk through that. I am pretty needy at this point. I want. I want a mom. You know. And I was like. You know. I want. You know. And she could. She did the best she could. She absolutely did the best she could. She was taking care of this child. And they got divorced unfortunately. And I went down the street to live with her sister. My aunt. She had four children. She was a single mom. Her mother lived with her. She had four of her own children. And then took my brother and I in. You know. How many nice people have been in my life. When I got here. I had so much self pity. That it just like dripped off me. You know. And what was. What you have taught me. And through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Is that. How many wonderful people were in my life. That took care of us. And loved us. And I went down the street to live with this. My aunt Jo. Who I just love. And. You know. I haven't gotten drunk at this point. But boy. I sure need to. You know. I'm ready. For a drink. And. Now I've had sips of beer. Since I was five. I mean. My mom. When she. When she. I was with her. My real mom. She took us to. Well. She took us with her. She wasn't that abusive. You know. So. I got asked to the prom. And. The guy said. You don't have a date. And I don't have a date. You want to go to the prom. And I thought. Oh. How romantic. Okay. So. My aunt wants to go get me the dress. And do the. You know. Just really make it special. So. She's got. You know. Five of us were teenagers. Out of the six. So we're. Yeah. I could. I don't know. I. I have one. I have just went through one teenager. And it just about did me in. So. She. We went to go get the dress. Of course. I pick out a kind of thing. You know. Slinky. Little number. Low cut. Yellow thing. Kind of snug. You know. And she picks. And I can still see it. She picks up this. She goes. Look at this. And it was this giant green dress. And it. And it. And it. Had these giant green flowers. All over. And it kind of cinched right here. And kind of billowed out. You know. And. And an accordion neck. With a little ruffle right here. Oh. That's. That's nice. She said. Well. Try it on. Oh. You look so beautiful. Now. I'm already kind of in trouble. I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm. You know. Vans were the big deal. You know. Nice Catholic girls don't get in vans. Well. I get in vans. I like riding in vans. You know. I thought it was cool. And. You know. And so. It was like. Sheila. Don't. Don't get dropped off in vans. The girl. You know. You know. They're making a big deal about this. And. And they were all. They're so good. They're still good. They're good. You know. And they're just wonderful. And. And I. I would. You know. I'd get in trouble. I was getting. You know. Kind of getting in a little trouble. And so. She said. I thought. If I get that dress. Then she'll like me. And I can live here. You know. I mean. Those are important things going on in my mind. Can I still live here? And so. I got the dress. None of her daughters ever. To this day. Have been to her hairdresser. And she goes. Still on Thursday nights. And so. She. She said. I go. Okay. You know. And so. We get there. And the lady goes. You know. How do you want it? And I said. Well. A little bit up. And down. I mean. I had long hair. Down to my waist. I wore it straight. Maybe curled on the ends. On a real special occasion. That's it. And so. She starts piling my hair. You know. And it went up. And up. And up. And my hair was this big. You know. And it kind of went like a football. It just kept going. You know. I was like. Oh my God. And you know. But I don't say anything. I'm like. Oh mortified. So my aunt comes running in. And goes. Oh you look so beautiful. And she had baby's breath. That's that insult to injury. So they're sticking this baby's breath. All over my head. You know. And so. Me and my hair. Go out to the car. We get in the car. I go home. I put the giant green dress on. And I look at myself in the mirror. And I am a bush in bloom. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. You know. And this is not my vision for me. At the prom. I mean. I love. I'm a dreamer. You know. I dreamt that. You know. I would have this dress on. And I'd come down the spiral staircase. You know. And he'd be there. And he'd. Oh. You know. I mean. We lived in a one story house. There wasn't any stairs in it. You know. I mean. I just dream up things. So. My date shows up. My dad. You know. My dad comes from down the street. You know. We. I used to come home like from cheerleading practice. And my. He'd be out watering. I'd wave. He'd wave back. And they'd go. Who's that? I'd go. That's my dad. They'd go. Your dad? I'd go. Yeah. They'd go. Your dad lives down the street from you? And I'd go. Yeah. Doesn't yours? I mean. It was just. I mean. It's. It's just. He'd be out watering. Down the street. And. We didn't get along. And so. You know. So he comes. And my foster mother comes. Every. She's taking pictures. It's wonderful. So. My little. Three days before the prom. He bites the head off a live frog. For a hundred bucks. Is that gross? That's gross. And so. He. He did it for at school. In front of everybody. It was Sister Sharon's favorite frog. It was just a mess. He almost got suspended. And. And so he said. Well. I need the money. So everybody's running up at school. The guy you're going to prom with just bit the head off a live frog. And I thought, can anything go right just once? You know, it's just ridiculous. And so, you know, it's just come on, you know. And so, you know, he comes in. I don't want my dad to know my date is like a frog head biter, you know. I mean, he's conservative, you know. So he says, so my little cousin Kelly, who is the little one of the family, he comes up and he looks at him like it's Johnny Unitas, you know. Are you the guy that bit the head off a live frog? Oh, God. My dad's eyes like roll up in his head. He goes, oh, God. You know, I said, we got to get out of here. Run for your life, you know. So we whisk off to the car and we get in and he's got champagne. But he's, you know, in a little bucket. And it's like those little plastic, he didn't even have glass, those little plastic ones where the little thing falls off. And you spend the whole night trying to look cute, you know. And you're looking, I'm looking on the floor for it. So we have a couple of glasses of champagne, nothing happens. We go to the prom. Then we go to the after parties. And I'm walking around with my little glass of champagne. Now, I know about alcoholism. I know probably more than most 15-year-old people. I've been around you. I've babysat your kids. My dad's been in AA. My mother is very ill drinking. You know, I know about alcoholism. And I still say, you know, I'm not going to be like them. And I'm kind of, you know, like, and I'm looking and I'm drinking. And people are making me tequila sunrises and salty dogs. And I'm a happy girl. And I'm starting to drink. And I thought, I'm not going to get drunk. Look at this little tiny glass. You know, I'm not going to get drunk. I had 150 of those puppies. And let me tell you what happened. My hair got long and straight. Those flowers flew off my dress. And frog lips started looking really good. You know, that kind of good. And it was like, you know, I found my prince. And nothing had changed, but everything changed. My perception of reality changed when I put the magic stuff in. And that's, that's, I love what Clancy talks about, the disease of perception. And everything seemed to change inside of me. It made the big hurt go away, as I've heard before said. And I didn't even know how badly I hurt. I felt, I felt like I could be a part of you. I didn't feel so different anymore. I didn't miss my mom so much. You know, it took away stuff that had made me insane for years that I just never quite, I never felt like I, it was like. It was like somebody gave out directions at school and I got there and I never got the directions. I just felt like I never knew what was going on and everyone else in life. And it seems that way today to me too. I mean, it's like, I've got to do a lot of AA just to function. I'm serious. I go to the mom stuff at school. I feel like a goof. I mean, I go in and it's like, everybody knows what they're supposed to do, but me, and I'm like, oh, thank God I have enough humility to say, what am I supposed to do here? You know, they had red ribbon week. And my son's like, oh, you know, and I sign up for it, you know, and I said, so do we just, what do we do? You know, and they all look like they already knew and, and, and I don't know why it seems that way, but I just have to, I just have to pray and ask God to please let me be one of many, you know, let me just fit right in here. And, um, it's hard for me back to school night makes me a nervous wreck because everyone knows they just go to the class they're supposed to do. And I'm walking around the halls going, where is that class? You know? And I, luckily I can ask questions. And I start getting those. Those. Those old feelings still come back. I haven't gotten wonderful here. I just am better. I can ask questions about things like that. And so anyway, so I just, you know, I always feel like I'm never, I'm never fitting in. And, uh, when I drank, I, I, I heck I could run the prom, you know, I'm not shoot, I'll, I'll do the whole thing next year myself, you know, and, um, I mean, that's how I am. And, uh, um, and so, um, I passed out, I blacked out and I threw up. I mean, I just, that's how that's. That was my, that was my first drunk. And I remember exactly when it was, I don't remember my exact first drink, but I remember my first drunk when I got the feeling that is produced by alcohol and I loved it. I, uh, I finished high school. I, you know, had a, you know, life, I just partied when I could. It wasn't like I got up and had a morning drink the next day. I just played around with it. I just drank when I could and had fun and it was a blast. And, um, but I always, whenever I could, I always drank. I, I loved it. I loved the way alcohol made me feel. I got out of high school, luckily, you know, everyone was pleased. I got out of high school and I just started to, I started waitressing and I just started living my life. I didn't go to college. I just wanted to get out and get on my own. And that's what I did. My brother, he was still in high school and, and he just, he just got real quiet and out of the way. You know, he just, he got real quiet and out of the way. And, um, I, um, I met, um, I met hymns along the way, you know, booze and boys, you know, soup and salad. They kind of go together for me. And, uh, you know. It's just the way it is. And, um, I, um, I, uh, I, uh, somebody, uh, I had a roommate and her dad was in the program too. Both our dads were in the program and we were roommates and, um, um, she's sober today. She lives in San Diego and we, and we just played, we had so much fun. We did things together. We did this. And, you know, I was, when I was waitressing, I loved waitressing. I loved, um, going fast. I love that whole thing about it. I love the drinking. I love. I worked nights so I could, you know, recover during the day so I could get back to work at night. Um, that's how I lived. And, uh, I, uh, my mother, um, I met a hymn, you know, and I went and saw my mother when I was 19. I went and saw her and it was terrible. She wasn't that beautiful woman anymore. Alcohol had taken its toll on her. Um, she had lost an eye from drinking. She, she was just really, really in bad shape. She hobbled and, you know, and I, I was trying to figure out one day, I don't know how many years sober I was. I wonder how old she was then she was 48 years old and I always thought she was like 70 or something because she was just so torn up from life and, uh, not that, and I see people here in the program, they're 70 and they're not torn up at all, you know, and, and she was, she lived in a, um, where, uh, people that are on social security, everybody in there, that's where she lived. And it was just a sad life. And I remember thinking if I had had my mom, I could have had a good life if I had been with my mom. It just would have worked out. And that wasn't the answer either. And I came back and somebody said to me, why don't you ever settle down? You know, the big settle down word. I hated that. Why don't you settle down? You look miserable. And, uh, because you're such a good example of settled down, you know, you know, I had girlfriends that they, they just, you know, it's like next they were going to put their house coats on in the morning, please, you know, um, they were just, you know, settled down. Have some kids settle down. So I met this guy, he owned a bar and, uh, I got free beer and pool the rest of my life. I do. And I did. And, uh, we were, we were married for six whole months, you know, I was still sending out thank you notes for gifts when we got divorced and, uh, you know, it just didn't quite work. And, uh, during that time, right before we separated and divorced, I got a call that my mother was dying. And, uh, she was in. Uh, Dallas and I went to, I flew to Dallas and went to her room and, uh, this nice nurse named Mary, I'll never forget her, said to me, I want to, well, I want you to sign. She stopped me and said, you know, I need to tell you what's going on in there and, you know, she's very sick and she's, she's got tubes and, and I said, you know what, I've been through so much of my life, this is going to be no big deal. And that's where I had gotten very hard, very cynical and, and I, and my heart, I don't want my heart to be hurt anymore. So I shut it off. And I said, it's going to be no big deal. I just walked in there and I looked at her and I thought, what a waste, what a waste. And she had tubes running in and out of her and she was the color of mustard. And she was in a coma and I just sat and read to her. And I felt so very sorry for her and so sorry for myself. And so the next day her sisters start coming and these people that I didn't even know. And all I could think was, where are, where were you? How come you didn't come get us? That's what I thought. Did I say that? No, I would never say that. I sit there and I, and I hate secretly. And um. And so we were sitting outside in the, cause the doctor was examining her and they said, um, you need to come in here, you know? And I thought, well, this is it. And uh, you know, cause she had not woken up and uh, we went in there and she was sitting up and the first thing she said to me is, will you forgive me? And I said, yes. And I'm so grateful that I said that. Um, we had three really neat dates together. And um, I think that was a Valentine from my God. Yeah. Um, she was, um, really, really sick, but we had three days to get. And I think that, um, you know, I always think, you know, I wonder where was God when I was growing up and he was always just so there, I just could never recognize it. I never saw a miracle, you know, I never saw it. And uh, we stayed together for three days and the doctor said she could be this way for six days or six weeks, you know, and um, and I had to, had to go home. And so I said, well, I'm going to go home and I'm going to come back. You know, I'm going to come back in a couple of weeks. And my mother died, um, three days later by herself in an indigent hospital, you know, and that's alcoholism. And I always felt so bad about that. Um, but that's alcoholism, um, my call, my dad and my dad was so kind to me and, um, he came, he helped my brother and I, he came back to Oklahoma, that's where we buried her. And he came back there to help me bury my mother. Yeah. And he didn't say, well, I feel funny about that, you know, and I, we hadn't been together in years. He didn't do anything like that. He just showed up. He suited up and he showed up and he helped his children bury their mother. And I just thought that was really nice. Um, and I always loved him for that. I just always loved him for that. And so I got back, I divorced that him real quick. That's probably all his fault, I'm sure. And uh, you ain't gotta blame somebody. And so I got back and I just said, you know, I just thought, I just went on reckless abandon. And I started, um, I found drugs. I love booze. And then I found drugs. I love the kind of drugs that enable me to drink and stay awake. Those are my very favorite. Um, I love what Sharon says that, you know, it's like laying on the floor saying, let's party. I'm not that kind of gal. You know, I got to go, let's go, let's, let's go. And uh, and I like stuff that lets me drink for ever. And I'll give you an example of a fun night out with me, um, toward the end of my drinking is these girls said, let's go listen to a band. And we did. And so we're going to go listen to this band and he, um, and uh, and I remember having a couple of glasses of wine, you know, and then the next minute I'm, I'm like, I'm coming awake on the hood of a car. Well, my goodness, where am I? And uh, and so then I can, I guess I go back into a blackout and then I am, uh, in bushes, you know, just I'm in bushes. It's like, there's an apartment complex here, a little thing here, bushes here, and then a chain link fence here. I'm stuck. I'm in here. I'm in prison. What is wrong? I can't get out of here. I don't know how to get out. It's just a chain. I guess I'm gonna have to hop this fence and I'm a wreck, you know, and I'm, I'm panicky, you know, and, and then I saw this little opening, you know, where the chain link fence starts and stops, you know, so I'm squeezing myself through this thing. It is horrible. I'm cutting myself. And there's a couple, sweet couple walking their dog going, I mean, they are just mortified at what I'm doing. And so I, I'm just crying. I'm cussing. I'm screaming. I get through it. I'm all, oh gosh. And, and I go, what are you looking at? And they're like, nothing. And they keep walking their dog, you know, nothing psycho woman, you know, and what they're looking at is three feet. That way is a gate is like, come on, you know, that is just me in a nutshell, you know? And then, so I find my way back cause I can't find the bar. I find my way back and it's, and the night's over. The band's played. They're all, they were glad they found me. And so they, they said, uh, where were you? And I went, uh, you know, you gotta think fast. Uh, I need some air for, for three hours. I need a little air. And then they're pulling little leaves and stuff out of my hair, you know, little twigs. They said, where have you been? I said, I'm not quite sure. Um, you know, but they were happy that I made it back in time to go home with them, you know? And then, you know, and I just say, I'm just, this goes on and on. And then, um, I think there was a, when I, there was a point in my drinking where it wasn't fun, it wasn't anything anymore. It was just pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. And that's where I got to. And, um, I don't share a lot of that stuff at the podium. I don't think that's right. Um, I'll share anything one-on-one, but I don't share stuff like that at the podium. I try to respect the podium. And, um, what, um, what I found was, uh, that it was getting worse, never better. Um. I met another him and, uh, um, I, I got pregnant and he didn't want to be. And so I had this baby and he, um, in my eighth month he left, he found someone else and, um, and left us and I had this baby boy. And I was going to be the best mom in the whole world. And I loved him from the moment I saw him. There was, you know, there was no question of bonding or any of that. I adored him. I wanted him, I wanted, I was going to be the best mom. And I, I met that with my whole being. I wasn't going to drink, I wasn't going to do drugs. And, and I drank and did drugs while I was pregnant. You know, and I hate that part of my story, but I always tell it because I always want to remember that that's the kind of alcoholic I am. That's where, that's where my drinking takes me. It's not, it's not glamorous anymore. It's, it's ruinous. And, um, so, um, he was all right when he was born and I was real happy. And it was like, I was so afraid that I'd hurt him. And I just, you know, live with that terror all the time. So I, I had this baby and we, um, um, I was going to be the best mom. And he fixed me for about two weeks. You know, and then I'm off running to the bars again. And I'm doing all these crazy things. And, uh, and I just, uh, hate myself. And, and I don't mean to be this way. But I don't know any other way. And, uh, I ended up living on the floor. I met a Marine. God, Lord. And I thought, you know, you know, because I'm going to clean up my act. Oh, a Marine. I mean, they're like, you know, God and country and everything. And, um, yeah. And, you know, I thought, surely he can take care of me. I mean, they take care of the whole country. You know, the few and the proud and all that. You know, I was just, and, you know, I was even too much for the Marine Corps, honey. Let me tell you what. He was like, whoa. I can't, what an order. I'm not going through this, you know. And so I moved, I had moved to Oceanside with him. And, uh, and he just, you know, he just couldn't. It was, I was too crazy. And so, um, he, um. I, um, I took my baby and I, I was doing nails at the time. So, and I was also cocktail waitressing at night. And this girl at my salon said, you can stay at my house. And I slept, we slept on the floor at our house. And I was grateful we had the floor, you know. And that's where I go. I started out waitressing in that really nice places. You know, nice restaurants where you let them sniff the wine and do all that. And, and I'm cocktail waitressing in a bowling alley in Oceanside, California. And the Marines were eating glass, you know. Watch this. I'm like, oh, beautiful. I'm so impressed, you know. And it was rough. It was a rough time. And, uh, and I'm drinking, drinking and I'm staying out all night and doing drugs. And I would sneak in about six in the morning. And then the house would kind of wake up about seven. And I'd act like, oh, I've been home most of the night. And, uh, she caught me coming in one night. And she said, if it weren't for your son, you wouldn't live here. Because she watched him at night while I waitressed him. And she said, I know that your mother's dead. But you should call your dad. You need some help. She said, you've got some, you've got sores on your legs. She said, and one of your eyes is so dilated right now. And the other one isn't. I think you're like a stroke victim. You're going to have a stroke. You know. And she said, and I'm scared. I don't want you to hurt, hurt yourself or die here. And so I called my dad. And, um, he had married a black belt Al-Anon who was all over them. And, uh. You know. When they marry a black belt Al-Anon, you can just kiss it goodbye, honey. Let me tell you what. Especially if they answer the phone. So Vinoy answered the phone. And, um. I said, uh, is dad there? And she said, he's doing a fifth step. My dad was always active. He's doing a fifth step in the back room. And I'll have him call you back, honey. And I said, well, I'm going to put Brad in a foster home and walk the streets. Because I can't do this anymore. And she did. She didn't ask me a lot of questions. She knew. But she knew. She knew what was going on. And she said, don't do anything. And we'll call you back. And they did. They called me back. And I went out and got drunk. And the next day we got a hold of each other. And my dad, um. You know. He wasn't ugly. He wasn't mean. He was, uh. He was there when I needed him the absolute most. And he said, Sheila, I don't know what's going on. But maybe you can come here to Oklahoma. And you can get your life together. So he sent me a one-way non-catchable phone. A one-way non-catchable, non-refundable, non-anything-able ticket. Yeah. I checked. And, uh. And my. That little baby boy, Brad, and I got on a plane. And I drank all the way to Oklahoma. You know. I. We switched planes somewhere in Denver. And I remember these goat guys. These guys were going to hunt goats in the mountain or something. And they helped me off the plane because I was so. I was bombed. And, uh. And that's about all I can remember. And then I remember. They sent. We were coming into Tulsa. And, uh. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. And then going to Oklahoma City and, uh. I thought. I've got to start drinking coffee. You know. Like. AA in Alamon's about to pick me up. Dummy. You know. So. I remember drinking coffee. And, sure enough. She picked me up. And, uh. My dad didn't come to pick me up. And, uh. I heard reports later. Or. Later. Of that. That he was at his AA meeting. Where he needed to be. And they said he washed coffee cups and ashtrays. And he double washed them. I mean. He didn't want to see me. You know I. relationship and he was afraid what he was gonna see and my little boy just adored my dad and I came to live there and I just would go to some Al-Anon meetings and I didn't I wouldn't say I was alcoholic I just didn't I didn't want to be alcoholic I thought I know you got to go to something if you live here I'll go to Al-Anon they still drink you know so uh and then I would say bizarre things like this woman was real sad she was crying her alcoholic had gotten drunk and left and I said oh have a beer and a Quaalude he'll be back you know they're like she's not supposed to be here yeah I was trying to hip her and you know and she didn't you know and I and I just you know and I understand I truly understand loving people that are they're alcoholic I absolutely but I don't understand staying sober through it you know at this point in my life it was like you you had all my responsibilities back in and so what happened was we I got in a fight with my father as I always do because I want to leave and I had to leave and I found some roommates instead of saying you know I found a job and roommates and I'm gonna move I can't do that I don't know how to do that I don't know how to have a relationship with people and so I make it your fault and then I leave and you know I broke his heart so many times I was a very very bad daughter I was not a good daughter and I broke his heart many times and and and so I what I did was I met these girls they were like me and we partied and stuff and what happened one night was I got so drunken and my son I put him to bed and I woke up and it was December 15 1984 and I had been drinking then all that night and in to the morning and I couldn't find him and it was very very cold in Oklahoma then and it's very cold and I looked for him in all the rooms that I couldn't find him and I was very very cold in Oklahoma then and I was outside throws to death so I'm running outside and I can't find him and and I'm in my dark room anyway so what happened was if you even have any dry some kind of things so I did and and then all of a sudden someone pulled me up was mad at me and I can't find him and I'm in my worst nightmare in the whole world and my roommate got up and goes where were you last night and they start asking these horrible questions you don't know the answers to them because you don't know where you were and you don't know what you were doing and you're mortified and I just kept saying I can't find Bradford can't find Brad and she said he's right here and he came walking out of the bedroom her bedroom and was walking down the hall and I never want to forget that as long as I live and he had little yellow jammies with the feet in him and he put his little arms up and he said mom and I picked him up and I said something new because mom is going to get help because I loved him I loved him so much and I didn't want to hurt him but I didn't know what else to do luckily a woman in AA who had seen me around gave me her phone number and said if I can ever do anything to help you please call me she wasn't so worried that I might steal her husband she wasn't in competition she was in there to be of service she wasn't trying to she wasn't so insecure in her own female illness that she didn't you know I was a goof you know and she handed me her number and she didn't care you know she didn't she wasn't worried or threatened by me and women are just they are not my enemy today women are they are my heart and and I'm and she was my example of that and she gave me her phone number and I found it in my purse and I called her and she wasn't home but her husband was and he said I know more about you that I'm probably supposed to I'm good dad and I are good friends I'm great you know Oh joy and he said gets her over here right now and I did they watch the babies of my son and and he sent me down the kitchen table with a big book and a cup of coffee and he said Sheila you don't ever have to drink again if you don't want to and he said she'll you don't ever have to feel this way again if you don't want to and he said and everything will be all right and I heard I didn't want to do it over again I'm not here to help I'm not a student I'm a hermit so I'm just acting all right and I'm not here to help you I'm not heard that for the first time in my life and it was like it was just i realized none of this was my mom's fault none of this was my dad's fault i was doing all this myself i was doing this to my child this was nobody's fault but my very own i had placed myself in this position and she came home right after that and finished the job you know they just they just it was wonderful and it was just us and and they i believed them they had the light in their eyes and i knew their lives were good and i was so grateful and then they said you need you need to go to a meeting tonight and i said well i think i need my own aa group not my dad's group okay now i'm dying and now i've got an opinion you know Bob D. talks about that alcoholics can lose everything everything everything and the first thing they get back is their opinion you know i love that and that was like but i need my own a group and he goes that's a good group it's very structured and you need it and you're you know it's a good group and i said well i'll think about it 7 15 my roommates are going aren't you going to a meeting tonight weren't you supposed to go to an aa i said you know i don't have a babysitter i've already talked myself out of it that's how insane this disease is and i said i don't have a babysitter and uh she's they in unison we'll watch him you know when you're drinking buddies we'll watch your child to go to your aa meeting you might want to look at your drinking okay in unison so i set off to find my aa group well i've never been to another one in town so i don't know where it is so i go to my dad's group where he goes to meetings you know and i he saw me and i i was in the back and i was just a mess and i didn't want him to see him hello you know like what are you doing here we haven't talked in a couple weeks and um and i sat down in the back of the room and and then they said are there any newcomers in their first 30 days of sobriety not to embarrass you but so we may get to know you will you please raise your hand don't you hate that i hated that until i had 32 days or so and um then it was like oh good for you and um and so i you know i i wasn't going to raise my hand i think this is so goofy you know and so but you know when you think they're watching you well they were it wasn't my imagination and i look over and they both go like that so i'm okay and i scratch my hair you know but my dad saw this and he turned around he always turned around look at the newcomers he was he loved working with newcomers and he got called on at the podium it was a participation coffee break main speaker meeting and he said you know i saw my daughter raise her hand and i hope she stays here and gets the healing that's that's here for her in alcoholics anonymous and that she gets the life she should have and of all the christmas presents in the world this one's the best and my heart just a little bit started to melt and and i started to take actions and i got a sponsor and i started to take actions that went against my very being and um and it was hard it was some nights i thought i i'm just going to go out of my head i thought about drinking and using every day for four months i didn't think i could be here um uh i got arrested sober i love that arrested sober that's weird and um but i i did something some traffic thing and the guy says like i'm sober i handed my license you know he goes step out of the car well i've heard that before i go you've got to be kidding i'm sober the police is like what he said i'm sorry your license has been suspended and you're in trouble right like oh god i'm gonna die so my parents had my son then i was going to go pick him up and i i got thrown in jail and and so i had to call and she answered you know but no way i was so happy and i said i she goes where are you and i go i'm in jail she goes she goes hi uh-huh. I go, no, I'm in jail. I need bail money. And she goes, Jim, you know, and he went, he's flipping out. And then he kept saying, leave her there, you know, and I'm like, and I was like, I was like, tell him I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober. Tell him I'm sober. You know, and the jail lady walks by and goes, who cares? You know, because I kept saying, you know, it's probably making her crazy. And she kept going, Jim, she's sober. I don't give a good fuck. He was so mad. And so he, he, he always says, would you please tell him I gave you bail money? You know, he did. He gave me bail money and she came, he didn't, he didn't come pick me up though. She can't, thank God. She came and picked me up and then dropped me off at the meeting. I, I, this is where my problem started. Why are they dropping me off here? I need to get out of town. Leave Norman and get out of town. And my sponsor, this lady who became my sponsor and she said to me, um, I, uh, she, she took me to my arraignment on Monday and she said, um, she stopped at this quick stop and she said, I said, what are we doing here? And she said, well, uh, you're getting, you need a second job. You've got bills and fines and you're going to jail. And I said, you don't get it. I said, you don't get it. This is such a neat thing for you guys, but it's not for me. There's something just a little worse about me than you. I think it's all good for you, but it seems like it's not for you. I can't quite get this and I don't think I can be like you. You're all so good and you're so nice. And I just don't think, I just don't think I'm going to be able to get this. I'm going to get my money and my son and we're going to go back to California as soon as I get my paycheck. And she said, Sheila, will you stay here for 90 days? And will you, will you do everything I ask for 90 days without question? And if things don't get better in your life and you don't get better, things will get better. I'll drive you to the airport. And will you believe that I believe that you can have this way of life? And I couldn't believe I believe, but I believe she believed it. I didn't think it would happen, but I believe she could believe it. And so, um, I did everything she asked. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's so hard. I worked two jobs and I didn't have a car and I had to get rides. It was the most awful time. Really? I don't even know how I did it. I'm sure that that's where I came to believe in God so strongly because God did for me what I could not do for myself. And so I got up and think, I can't go to two jobs today. I can't do it. And I would call her at six 45. Not that I need to be up at the time, but she liked that time. And so I called her willing, willing, willing, willing, key, key, willing, willing. And, um, and so I said, um, um, I, I woke up one morning and I said, I can't do this. I said, I'm scared. I'm afraid. What am I afraid of? I just woke up. And she said, you know, sometimes that happens and I want you to read 86, 87 and 88. And I thought, great, I'm coming apart. She wants me to read that blue book again. My God. And it says on awakening, you know, let us look at the 24 hours a day. And I read that and it was just my savior. It was a savior in my, it was just so wonderful. It was like an oasis in the desert, as they say. And I read that and it talked about being agitated and doubtful. And we pray for the right thought or action. You know, we ask God to help us. We don't tire so easily. I was so exhausted all the time because I was trying to situate the world. You know, I was already at my second job at 6 45 AM. She goes, let's just go to the first job, you know? And so I did, I go to the first job. I had to take my son to a daycare, you know, and I had to get someone to give him a ride, you know, give us rides. And then I get, we'll go from one job to daycare, to another babysitter, to my second job. And then after that job was over, I go to two meeting, I'd go to meeting and then I would pick him up. And it was just, I did this one day at a time for a couple of months and it was, it was really hard. And then I got my license back, those little victories. I am, you know, I couldn't wait to give people rides. I got my license back, you know, and I, I, I, those things were so big deals for me. All I wanted was a car with heat and air. Heat would have been good. And we looked like little Eskimos, he and I driving in the winter, you know? And we did those things and my life started to get better. And I started to, you know, to become one of many and get out of the, get, get off the fence in AA and I started to do things. Things happened to me. Things changed me. Being with you changed me. I, my, she said, don't date for a while. And I said, oh, she said, you are too sick for anyone in or out of this program. Oh, well don't worry about it. Yeah. Don't beat around the bush. My gosh. And so for once I did those things. I did the things she asked me to do and my life started getting incredibly better. And I stayed there and I, I, I started working with others and you know, eventually five years came along and about two and a half years older, I met at him, you know, a nice guy. He's not in the program. You know, he's like, he was, well, I always say he's normal. He was normal. I fixed that for him. Don't worry. You could not be normal and be attracted to me. There's just no way. I'm just kidding. And he doesn't go to AA or Al-Anon, but he's a friend of AA and, and he is a, he's my rock. He is a, he's so normal and logical and I'm such a goof and I don't know what we're doing together, but works perfect. You know, I mean, he's, I, I've got enough emotion for everybody in the room and you know, two of me is far too many and two of him would be too boring. And so together, perfect. You know, I always tell him that husband, we're just perfect husbands and we are. And you know, he's steady and oh, he's just, he's just amazing. Um, and so we, uh, we, we have a, we have an incredible life together because he's as good, he does good things for people without calling a sponsor. Kind of hacks me off. It's like, good Lord thought that up on your own. I mean, he's amazing. I mean, he just does nice things. You know, he does the right thing no matter what. And I just, he's a great example to me. We, uh, I, I, we got married, my dad gave me away. tell you about the relationship with my dad and what's happened what how that happened my sponsor had me take actions toward him that that were he loved hot tea and she said you have to two nice things a day for your dad and I said I don't want to even do one and she said I don't care you can't have forgiveness if you don't do these things and so what I've learned is action forgiveness is action forgiveness isn't just a feeling it's it's actions and so I he liked hot tea so I put his hot tea on in the morning and I bring him his paper and I did that while until you know I moved out but I every day that I lived there I did that and one day I came in and we could talk about sports because I love sports and he loves sports he gave him my love of sports and we could talk about sports in the weather and that would be it and um you know hey how about those Dodgers you know and you know we were just it was great and we'd have a little conversations because he and I are both morning people and one morning I got up and he was already up and he was reading his big book he was sitting in his chair in this chair on the couch I think one of those two right next to each other I can't remember exactly but he was sitting there he was reading his big book and for some reason that really touched me and I just started feeling a lot of love for him and I and I couldn't wait to do his his hot tea and and bring in his paper and then we just started to love each other and I did my eighth step with him and I and yeah and I asked for forgiveness for specific things I didn't just make living and then I did specific things he was he was wonderful he was just wonderful and I told him I was sorry that I that I had a baby out of wedlock I know that broke his heart you know I wasn't a good daughter and that I broke his heart and he wanted so much more for me than that and and then right out right that was like the last of yin's and my little boy knocked on the door Papa and it was just such a beautiful moment and he came in and he hugged him and he said of all the mistakes you've ever made this one's a better one for you daddy youiper's going to get mad at me some day in the next decade He was so good. He built my son a snowman. He called me at work one day. He goes, come over here. I was so scared of driving on snow. Oh my God, I'm a beach girl. What am I doing here? And I was sober for about a year. And he said, come over, come over. And I said, okay, I'm going to pick up Brad and I'll be over. And he had built this beautiful snowman for him. And he was so happy. You know, pop up a snowman. You know, I'll never forget that. It was just such a moment in time. I just, oh, I just love that. And he put Christmas lights up. I don't remember Christmas lights as a kid, but my son did. He did it. He was there when I needed him the most. He made his amends to me through my son. He was so good to him. My son adored him. When Dave and I got married and had a baby right away and I was having twins, I found I was twins, my God. And I thought I was getting kind of big and, you know, Lord, it's ridiculous. And, and in my seventh month, I went to the doctor on a, you know, routine checkup thing. And he said, Sheila, I'm sorry. One of the babies is sick. And I said, what? And we knew one was a boy and the other one was a little girl. And, and I went to a specialist on Monday and my friends in AA all came over and they knew something was going on and they all just were there to support us. And they said, I'm so sorry. You know, she didn't make it through the weekend. And I said, you know, and I was in pain. It hurts so bad. You know, and I thought, you know, I just felt so bad. And Daniel was born. He was born a month early, but you know, he was, he was fine. He's doing good. He's my love. I love him. He's 12 years old and he's just a mess, but he's a lot more like his dad than me. I'm so happy. Oh God, he's got organizational skills. I get so thrilled over that. Oh, I'm just like, thank you, God. Thank you, God. Cause Bradford, unfortunately is so much like his mother. God, I love him, but he's just, you know, I mean, I, I could give him more of something else. I would, I mean, I don't want my children to be alcoholic. I think it's a horrible disease and it's very painful, you know, but, um, he's had a rough year and, uh, and so, you know, Daniel's grown up in it. My kids have grown up in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, when they were in daycare, they sing, keep coming back at the end of happy birthday. I'm sorry. No, that's normal for them. They're like, people keep coming back, you know, it's like, okay. You know, I mean, that's just what they do. I mean, they, they love you, you know, they love you. You're there for them. You're there, they're stuff, you know, you're our life, you're my family. And now I'll tell you two stories and then I'll be done. And, um, my, um, my dad, my dad got sick, you know, he got sick. He, he got sick and I went to visit him and, uh, you know, I went, I flew there just to love him, but I, we didn't have any, we were even, you know, we were even. And I said, you know, dad, he said, he came outside, I was sitting outside and he said, are you okay, honey? And I said, I feel like we finally got it all together and you got to go. And he said, yeah. He said, honey, my mission's up. I said, well, I said, I just can't imagine my life without you. And he said, you know, she said, he said, um, I want you to stay on the firing line. That's what he said. He said, I'm passing the baton to you. He said, my mission's up and I'm passing the baton to you. He said, you go and you help those drunks. You stay on the firing line. He said, you keep your commitments. And he says, cause I'll be watching, you know, and, and, um, when he passed away, um, he had sponsorees around him and his wife who loved him so much, she was holding one hand and I was holding the other and that's Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and I miss him so much. And that's what, you know, but he was, you know, he loved AA. We shared Alcoholics Anonymous together. And I'm so grateful that brother of mine, he could barely show up, you know, he was drinking, he could barely show up. And, uh, in January, I didn't even hear from my brother for two years. He wouldn't return my calls, but my sponsor made me call every Sunday. I don't care how it makes you feel calling. And I did. And I just would leave messages that I love them and tell them what the boys were doing and playing baseball and things like that. And I just took the action no matter what happened. Um, in January this year, I flew back to California and watch Clancy give my brother a one year AA cake. You know, he, uh, he got, he, he really had a rough time and, uh, and he, uh, he got sober and he started going and he started going to my dad's old home group. He didn't want to do that. And he did. And, uh, he asked, eventually asked Clancy to be a sponsor and I'm eternally grateful, you know, and he's walking the walk and doing the deal and he's very active and, and I couldn't be happier for him. And we have a great relationship. You know, we made up for lost time. Um, my son, my oldest son this year has had a rough time last couple of years. He, uh, he went to a party one night and he had left our home in his senior year. He, uh, it was just on and on, you know, on and on. And, um, he went to a party and, um, he passed out. He got drunk. He drank too much. He said, I went and laid down. I didn't drive. I didn't want to do anything. He passed out. Some guy went in the room, thought he was somebody else and stomped his face. He had 12, 10 to 12 bones broken in his face. And he was dead. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. He was dead. He was beat up. I hope you never see your child ever look like that in your whole life is the most horrific thing. And, um, I went to, uh, I went to see him and it was just, it was awful. And, uh, five days later, he said, my, my girlfriend's pregnant and, um, and my heart was broken. And then I thought, do you have to be just like me? What's up with that? What is up with that? So he decided in May that he really wanted to marry this girl. And, uh, he did. And, uh, he and Taryn got married. We did a wedding in three weeks. You all taught me how to do things like that. We can pull it together. You know how we are. Oh, a convention here and a wedding. No problem. And my, my step-mom helped. Oh, she didn't made everything so gorgeous. And it was really a neat thing. And, uh, so in November, the first part of November, I will be blessed with a grand baby girl and I'm excited and I hope it works out for my, it's really rough going, you know, but, um, but I'm, you know, I'm here and I'm, we love them and we do the best we can. When I was, uh, when I was with my father, I got to be with him on his very last day birthday, not knowing it was the very last day birthday because it was the international and I happened to go to LA. He was celebrating his cake. I went early to watch him. Clancy give him his 29 year cake and it was really neat. And it was wonderful. We were driving home. He said, come ride with me, sis. And I said, okay. And I got in the car with him and he said, you know, I wish I had gotten your braces. And I said, really? He said, yeah, you always had that sweet face and those crooked old teeth and thanks. And, um, I said, you know, dad, I thought about getting them. He goes, really? He goes, well, let me know. I'll help you. I said, okay. Well, he passed away the next year. It was like, I guess a year or two after he died, I got braces. I walk outside and I look up in heaven and I go, I got my braces on cuz I think about him all the time. And, um, I, um, I said, you know, uh, then I started thinking, I wonder if he can really see my braces. I wonder if there's really heaven. I wonder if he's in heaven. And then it started getting darker and darker. And then it started getting darker and darker and darker and darker and darker and darker and darker and do we just go to nothing and ashes and oh god can we get rid of this that's a glimpse of what i live with 24 7 it's like it's like i go from happy joyous and free to you know ugly you know dark and depressed it's like oh and so i get on i got on my phone and i called a girl i thought i'll call somebody i sponsor they're good for 15 minutes and uh all you gotta say is how are you i'm out of me i am out of me so i i called brandy she was great you know she was really great i feel so much better thank you god you know i just put the old uh-huh uh-huh you know and she's it was great i feel better everything's good two days later two days later we go to this place and it was a woman's place where women are it's a bad place it's called the first step it's not a good place and we get lost we can't find our way and you know and instead of giving up and not going you know I we go to the men's facility because we kept getting to the men's facility that a woman's in a men's but we couldn't find the woman's out in the woods it was crazy and it was getting dark and everything we're late and so we finally get there and what happens is what happens is we the men's we call over to the women's I said let's call over to the women's facility tell them we're on our way blah blah blah we get there and they said you only have 20 minutes left that's it I said I am so sorry we were lost we had the wrong directions or I was wrong or something she said that's fine but you get 20 minutes so we each did a five-minute panel yeah mm-hmm and um and so we did the five-minute panel it got to me and I talked about getting my braces on and I said you know I got my braces I got braces on this week and I think that if we clean house and help others and trust God that you know it's never too late to have a happy childhood you know you can always if things didn't get done when I was growing up by gosh do them you know quit whining they love that I'm sure and now yeah sure they were she's my favorite and them so so I did you know I I did those things and and I was saying that and I said you know and I said and my dad always wanted me to have braces and I said and I hope I still don't have faith that he is but I said and I hope he danced in heaven and I look across the room and it was in a semi-circle and there was about 70 women there and a gal who had been sitting across from me but far across from me she had this t-shirt on and I looked and I said I said where'd you get that shirt for sale t-shirt now I don't visit with people during a meeting I mean the girls I'm looking at grandeur she's having many strokes what's wrong with her you know because I don't do that I mean you don't cross talk you don't do that and I go where did you get that shirt she goes in the donation closet you know and I said stand up and she did and I said turn around now there I can feel them going and confused I can't understand talking to her and I get her out of here and she turned around I said honey she said will you come run my hair did you do a you have on my father's plumbing shirt and she said what and I said she's why I got out of that donation closet and I said not only has that not been in business for two years when it wasn't business it wasn't in Norman Oklahoma it was in seven California's where his plumbing business was he had moved back there a long time ago and I just couldn't talk anymore and and I knew and I knew and I knew and one of the girls came between said Sheila I think God's letting you know that your dad saw your braces and I and I knew and I knew what else what I knew was that that there was heaven and God wanted me to know that and I think that if I seek the fellowship I crave if I seek God he doesn't make too hard of terms as that's what it says in the book if I just say please you know I think he reveals himself to me as I need it not as I want it but as I need it and he'll do that for me and for you and I think there's like a window in heaven and I think that God sometimes lets people that we have gone on before us that we miss and we love I think he lets them peek out the window sometimes I think he comes over and goes like this and goes come on look they're setting up the meeting tonight you know look she's on time oh look your son just got his one-year chip you know and I believe they look down and they say look she's okay she's sitting in me you know I've had a lot of girls that I sponsor have horrible tragedies this year it has just weighed on my heart I've had a girl I sponsor her two and a half year old daughter who was my goddaughter died from a virus Tammy's sister was found dead and nobody had seen what she was died drunk and she'd been in her apartment for two weeks you know one of the girls I sponsor her nephew dropped dead last week running a marathon 18 years old you know it's just another girl I sponsor her son got in a terrible car wreck and was in a coma for a month I mean we have to deal with these things this is this is life it's gonna happen you stay here long enough stuff's gonna happen but I think that when people that we love go away and we miss him so much that God calls him to the window and he says look they're okay you know look at look down there she's happy she's okay and I think that and I'm so grateful and I think that that happens for all of us I don't think it's just my story I think for all of us and I think if I look for the good and I look for the miracles and if it hadn't been for you I wouldn't have gone the extra mile I'd have gone home did you taught me how to keep going keep do more do more Sheila go further stay an hour later inconvenience yourself for another human being and because I do those things because you've taught me not because I'm wonderful but because I want to stay here I got to have a little bit of a little I got to see a little bit of where my dad wasn't what was going on and I know to this day he saw my braces and I got to have a miracle and if it weren't for you I'd have missed it all thank you