Moving Beyond Ego Service to Principles in All Affairs — Lindsay L.

And our main speaker tonight is Lindsay from Friday Night Book in Larkspur. I'm Lindsay, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Lindsay! Hi! I'm so nervous and I'm så excited. Thank you so much, Lainey, for asking me to speak. I always say it's an honor and a privilege to speak at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because no one was asking me zu do anything before I got to AlcoholicsAnonymous. or at least no one was asking me to do anything besides like my probation officer or the state of california or like but we'll get into that but um no one ever thought i would show up uh i didn't have you know any value to my words so um and thank you so much wendy for speaking first i love when there's someone who speaks before me because i can get out of my head and there's like several minutes where i wasn't thinking about me which was really nice um okay i'm nervous this i spoke here before but it was at your old site and this is way more of an intimidating site and there're way more of you so congratulations on increasing your attendance I love that but that's scary for me so I'm just gonna run this okay so I have a sobriety date it's November 20th 21st of 2004 I have the sponsor who knows that she's my sponsor I always say that it's the longest relationship I've ever been in and and also the healthiest relationship I'd ever been and I have home group it's a Friday night book study and Larkspur it's the best meeting in the entire world if you don't feel that way about your home group, you should for sure get a different one because that's how you should feel. You should feel so excited to go to your home group. If you're new, welcome. If your new, I remember taking a while to find a home group that I really liked and I didn't feel excited about going to Alcoholics Anonymous, so that statement is not really for anyone who's new but special welcome too for everyone who stood up and introduced yourselves because introducing yourself is hard enough but to have to like stand up and raise your hand you know and count days it's all a lot to ask so welcome to everyone who's new and thank you for introducing yourself because that's really why we come. That's why we keep coming back and that's why the doors are open and that is why people have commitments and show up every Friday is for the newcomers so you can find us. Okay, that's the stuff that I always say and so let's see. Growing up just pretty quickly, I grew up in an alcoholic home. I come from a family that there was just a lot of neglect. I have an older brother. It was me and him. We were really close in age and we were just like feral cats. Like we just were roaming around outside. My mom was always drunk. My dad was never really home. And it was kind of like, hey, go outside and play all day long from like three on. And so our neighbors would clip our nails and they'd clean our nails. They'd feed us breakfast, lunch and dinner. If we were hungry, we needed to go to someone else. Our mom wouldn't be there. My grandmother and my grandfathers were just absolute angels. And they really stepped in and made sure that we were safe and we weren't cared four. And to be honest, like that was really the only example of love I had experienced. And I'll say like, that's the only sample of love experience until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and hopefully I get into that. But yeah, growing up it was just there was no sense of community in my home when people talk about what their family does. Like, you know, that just never, I never had that in my family and I never felt loved. And I always felt like my parents kind of had kids because they maybe thought they wanted them. And then And they were like, oh, shoot, every day this has to happen? And that was pretty much how I was raised. So around sixth grade, seventh grade, something changed. I went to school. Before that, I was a really good kid. I did try to help out other kids. I was thoughtful. I was kind. But I was definitely always getting into trouble and had no supervision. But seventh grade something switched. And I just started really wanting to hang out with the people who were getting in trouble. I knew exactly who they were, and I did everything that I could to hang out with them. And all those kids were hanging out at the creek. Everyone has their spot. My spot's the creek, I'm accountable to that creek, I'd be at that creek at 7 a.m. sharp every single day, I'd make it to class late, but I'd been at the Creek, and I was definitely working and hustling all day long just to be able to get high and drunk at the Creeks after school as well. So this is pretty much what my day looked like from the moment I found alcohol. I started to go to school early, I would leave, I'd walk to school, I would get there at 7 am sharp, we would get high, and then I would go to school and I would shoulder tap every sixth grader for 50 cents. I would eventually break into the locker rooms. I would steal from all the backpacks. I would take all of the money and then, I would do the same thing at lunch. I would still ask everyone for 50 cent who was younger than me. Same thing with my last recess and then as soon as class school was done, we would walk over to the liquor store. There was like a liquor store and a bar and so, all me and my degenerate friends would walk up to the bar and walk over the ashtrays and we would take out all the used cigarette butts from the bar from the night before we would go roll new cigarette butts, and then we would shoulder tap for 50 cents all day long until we had enough money to get a pack of cigarettes. We asked somebody to get a pack or cigarettes for us, and then we'd head over to Bell Markets and I'd steal a bottle of E&J brandy because that's what my mom drank, and I would go down to the O-N baby formula I would trade the baby formula for some pot. I would get drunk, I would get high, I'd go home, eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles because I was 11, and i would go to sleep. And then I would rinse repeat the next day. The moment that I started drinking, that's when I would do every single day. I remember some of my friends would be like, oh, I can't wait until the weekend. And I was like, never waiting until the week end. I'm doing this every day for the rest of my life. I loved being drunk. I loved Being High. And the moment I found that, the moment I found the creek, the woman I found a sense of community that I had never had in my whole life, there was nothing that was going to stop me from going there. Nothing. Like, I felt love. I felt connection. I just loved being Drunk. I was also super crummy drunk. You never knew what you were going to get. I don't know how many 11-year-olds are super classy drunk. you know, but like for sure I wasn't great. You know, like sometimes I would drink and I would be fun and all everyone liked me and I was funny. And other times I'm like hawking loogies on people and I'm projectile vomiting and like I'm a mess and I'M LOUD AND I'M SLOPPY AND I'm crying and like you never really knew what you were going to get with me at all. But eventually I started getting loaded with my mom and that made it so it didn't matter what kind of a person I was. I had the house. I had The Supply. I HAD THE ABILITY TO DRINK AND GET LOADED THE WAY THAT I wanted to. And anyone who wanted to hang out with me and drink like me, they had to kind of deal with me. Um, and if you asked me at the time until I got to step nine, I would have thought everyone really liked me when I got into step nine and I started making amends. I realized very quickly, no one really liked to me, but, um, we'll get into that. Maybe. Um. I got like quickly, quickly found myself in trouble with law enforcement. Um and from yeah, I got on probation when I was 11 and I just could not, I never got off. It was like constantly just never got off probation. And eventually I got kicked out of high school my first semester as a freshman, I got picked out and sent to a community school. And then eventually got kicked out from there. But I remember my probation officer having this conversation with me and saying, why don't you just stop for 30 days? And in my mind, I was like, I would, but like, I am killing it right now. Like I am thriving. Like, I am making money. I'm hustling. I am grinding like I am the creek is calling my name I have friends like things are good and like I do genuinely think that maybe at that point in time had I tried to stop I could have but eventually the day came where no matter how badly I wanted to stop, I could not and that was when that got scary for me. I had run away from home I was at that continuation school I should say quickly like the relationship with my mother deteriorated I always kind of say this because we started getting loaded together, and all of a sudden I had her. I had a family. I had someone who loved me and wanted to be with me and wanted it to get loaded with me. But I don't know, and when I came to AA, I learned from reading the 12 in 12, I don' t know how to have a true partnership with another human being, and that's parents and family included. And so I manipulated her. I used her. I stole from her. I did everything that I would do to any other one of my friends, right? I did with my mom, and that relationship started to crash. And when I got kicked out of school and sent to continuation school, I went on the run, and that was really where everything went downhill. I was 14 years old, I was a runaway, I was hanging out in this place, this house that was barely a house with men who were three times my age. I bruises up and down my body, flea bites everywhere. I hated everything about who I was and the company I kept. The door was unlocked, I could have left whenever I wanted and I stayed every day and I endured the pain and I stayed and stayed and stay'd and stayd even though every day I woke up saying I wanted to leave, I wantedto leave, I wantedtolieve, Iwantedtoleave. the door was unlocked and I never left and I had this notebook and I would write these I'd write the sobriety date down I'd been to Alcoholics Anonymous since I was 12 I was put on a court card from when I was twelve so I knew what AA was, people in Alcoholics Anonymous remembered me and knew me and I'd just go over there and ask for their cookies and cigarettes and money but I would never actually do Alcoholics Anonymous but I had written these sobrietry dates down when I was staying there and I Had all these sobrietty dates that were crossed out over and over and over again. And I remember this feeling of like so badly wanting to get sober, so badly and not being able to. And when I can't find finally, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, there's this line in the book and it's my favorite lines because it hit me so well when I was new. It was like that first line you read out of the big book where you're like, oh shoot, like this is where I'm supposed to be. And it was in Bill's story who is nothing. I got sober at 15. So Bill was nothing like me when he got sober, right? So out of his story, of all the stories, I read the line that says, I was about him talking to his wife and he said, this time I need business. Like I'm going to get sober this time. I need that business. And the very next line says shortly after I came home drunk. And that was my experience. Every single time I met business, I meant business. I wanted to be sober. I was so done. I hated it. I wrote the sobriety date down. I want to be a better everything. I wanting to be at a better sister to my brother. I wanna be better granddaughter. I wanted to be better in all the areas. I wanted it to stop getting locked up. I wanted all of these things, and yet I could not stop drinking no matter how badly I tried, no matter how miserable it was, no mater how bad I hated my life. I couldn't stop. And I would have this idea to stop, and you could lock me up for 30, 60, 90 days, or you put me in treatment, and all of it would be out of my system. And then I would get out, and a thought would come up to get loaded. And there was nothing that I could do to stop me from going and getting drunk even though it was out of system. And that never made sense to me until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And so what ended up bringing me in was like nothing crazy, nothing like this was it. This big thing happened. It was like the same life I had been living, the same misery, the same disgust in my, in myself. But for whatever reason, when the cops came to the door and said, Lindsay Laird, there's a warrant for your arrest. I put my hands behind my back and I didn't run. And the next day or that night I was put into juvenile hall and that was on November 20th and November 21st of 2004 is my sobriety date. And I haven't had a drink since. And that wasn't what the plan was, you know. But for whatever reason, I didn't run. And while I was in juvenile hall, H&I was coming in all the time. They would come every Sunday and they would come and bring their book. And I remember this woman coming in and sharing her story. And like, holy smokes, she looked like she had seen some stuff. You know what I mean? She'd been there. And she sounded so happy. But like, I knew that that would have been me. Like, that was going to be me. That was me. And she seemed so happy and she seemed free. and I remember that being the moment where I was like I need to do this. And that night I was on level 3 so I asked if I could have a big book in my cell and they gave it to me and I started reading the big book. And while I was there, they kept coming in to see me about entering this drug court program and I was awarded the court. I was just turned 15, like literally only a week old from being 15. And I was supposed to be on probation until I was 18, which is like I don't know, dog years or something. You know what I mean? Like it's a long time, three years when you're 15.And and I was going to be on forever. And they were like, hey, if you join this drug court program and you stay sober, all you have to do is stay sober. And if you joined that program, then you could be off in nine months. That's the deal of a century. The best deal you can get. Honestly, the best deal in the world. But you have, like key words there, but you have to be sober. And I remember saying to him, like, I'm so sorry. I want so badly to be sober, but I've never successfully been able to stay sober I have tried so many times. I've never been able to do it. And they kept coming back to see me. I kept denying the program because I wanted it so badly and I wanted to be sober so badly but that deal seemed like it was too good to be true and I had never been able to stay sober. And finally I joined the program and in January of 2005 I was released from juvenile hall on house arrest. So I was grounded by the state of California and I was only allowed to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and my sobriety high school. So my whole day was sobriete pretty much. I would go to school, it was sobrietty all day long, there was no learning about like math or like reading. It was all therapy and like counseling. And then as soon as I got off school, I would literally go home and wait until I was able to go to a meeting. I asked if I can go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And it wasn't because I was going to be this good AA. It was because I was grounded by the state of California and I wanted to get out of the house. But the best thing happened is it didn't matter why I went there. All of a sudden, I was there. And I was going into this meeting in Novato, California. It was this little book study. There was like 12 people. They were all 150. and I had nothing in common with any of them but I started showing up every single week and there was this woman who I saw at all the meetings in Novato and all of them, they were all 150. There was no one my age. Everyone was 700 years old and I just kept coming back and this woman finally, they kept saying I needed to get a sponsor and I asked this woman to be my sponsor and she asked me two questions. She said, are you willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol? To which I said yes even though I had no clue what it meant. I lied. And then she said, are you willing to pass this thing on once you've taken the steps and I said yes I did not lie about that one but I for sure had no idea what that meant but I said yes to both, I was desperate, I wasn't willing to do anything and that is true I was desperate and so she started to come to my house every Monday night she would come over to my home she had her big book dictionary that she gave to me which I needed because my education was juvenile hall, rehab, continuation school, I could barely read. I remember not being able to pronounce any of the words in the book and anytime I got to a word I didn't understand I circled the definition I wrote it next to it and we went through that book and we read she would read a paragraph I would repair up back and forth we just went back and fourth like that and when we got to the part in the doctor's opinion where it starts to talk about the allergy to alcohol this is like you know to me the most important part of the steps was the thing I had to do perfectly I had figure out am i actually an alcoholic I had a lot of ideas about what alcoholism was before I came to AA I had a lotta ideas of what what it was what it wasn't I knew for sure the drugs was my problem, but was alcohol? And I had to narrow down on that. I had to narrow in on that scope because I needed to be sure that I'm an alcoholic. I need to know that I know I'm blonde. And when I got to that part in the book, she asked, have you ever had this allergy, this phenomenon of craving? Has that ever happened for you? And then I said yes, but she didn't stop there and keep going. She said how? Tell me. Tell me when. And I started telling her experiences where I had that craving, where I picked up and I couldn't stop. and then she would tell her experience her times where she had that craving and we went back and forth over and over and again and today like i genuinely believe that the act of that sponsor doing that that strong sponsorship is a reason that today i've never once questioned if i'm an alcoholic i know that i've considered drinking when i'm not spiritually fit and alcohols look like a solution but i've ever questioned whether or not i'm alcoholic not once i know i'm an alcoholic like i know im lindsey i know am an alcoholic i am blonde i know who i am to my core and I know what happens if I take a drink, and I know that. And then we got to the obsession of the mind, and it was the same thing. She didn't just say, do you think about this all the time? You know, she didn't say that. But I remember saying, like, this is hard for me. Like, I don't think about this 24-7. Is this an obsession if I'm not thinking about it 24- 7? And she said, okay, well, we went back and forth. We started talking about it. And it wasn't about the fact that I think about it all day, but the moment that I do think about It, if I don' t have a spiritual solution, what happens. And that was when I go back to the experiences I had after treatment or after being locked up where it was out of my system entirely, there was no, the craving was gone, right? That was out Of my system. And yet all of a sudden, all I wanted to be sober. And then the next thought was to have a drink and there was nothing I could do like at that moment on, I could not stop thinking about having a drink until I took the drink. That was the obsession for me. Some people think about it 24 seven. For me, that was the way that the obsession of the mind lived in my alcoholism. And from there, it was like really just being able to understand that I have a spiritual formality that I didn't quite get it when my sponsor suggested that or explained that to me that came in time but really it was like that I had step one down I knew that and then all I had to do was do the best I could the rest of the way I had to do the steps to the best of my ability and I'm telling you right now with no dishonesty I did the best i could and it was horrible but I still stayed sober you know what I mean because it was the best idea at the time I could barely read for Pete's sake, you know? Like it was the best I could do, but it wasn't perfect. And it was okay because I did the best that I could. And then I got to have 10, 11, and 12 that I get to constantly look back at. If I forgot something in step four, that's fine. As long as I'm not holding it back, as long as i'm not lying, as well as not keeping it from my sponsor or from someone, that's okay. If it comes back in memory, I can redo that with my sponsor. I can get honest about that. Ican do an inventory on that, you now? And I started to go through the steps and I was told that I was going to have a spiritual awakening. And I remember thinking everyone was lying. But I ended up having a spiritual wakening and I got to step 12. And I remember like very clearly, that was all that I wanted was to have A Spiritual Awakening. And that was it. Like I wasn't super concerned about carrying the principles, like, you know, practicing the principles in all my affairs. You know what I mean? Like I Wasn't there yet, but I was super happy to have the spiritual awakening and was for sure causing a lot of wreckage but I was I no longer wanted to drink um I was not thinking about it all the time like all of a sudden step 10 the promises in step 10 best promises you got right it's like I I no longer craved alcohol the whole reason I said no to the deal for three I did get off probation three years I could have been off in nine months and then I couldn't because I could never imagine my life without alcohol and yet here I am after step 10 that promise had come true for me and I wasn't thinking about drinking every day right like what an absolute gift and uh I got so much more you know than just being sober by coming to Alcoholics Anonymous I got to step 12 and I told that sponsor uh you know I had told my sponsor actually I'm going to go to step nine just because for whatever reason God kind of poked me about step nine um earlier and uh when my sponsor said are you willing to go any length over victory over alcohol like what did that mean I didn't know I said yes I was willing to get any length for victory over alcoholic but that really gets tested when it's time for me to go make my amends right and I have to remind myself it says it clearly in the book right like in that step remember we agreed that we would go to any length for victory over alcohol and I had to remind myself and I remember going to make those amends and I did exactly what my sponsor told me to do I had a script I followed it um and I and I said everything I was supposed to say and some of them were really difficult but like if I'm being entirely honest a lot of that like I hadn't had quite the drop from the head to the heart I was reciting a script i did exactly What I Was Supposed To Do But I Didn't Fully Understand And the gravity of the actions I had taken on the people in my life, friends, family. I never had really considered the fact that like I had impacts to my family, you know, being locked up all the time and getting mad at my grandma for not writing me mail. You know what I mean? Even though I'd gone months without just MIA on the run. And then I got locked up and I'm like, you better write me, you love me like I'm just such a brat. I'm so selfish, so self-centered. It's all about me. I didn't really understand like how much what it was like for my father to not know where his daughter was or my grand my grandparents not know whether 12 year old 11 year old 13 year old 14 year old daughter was you know and so when I started making those amends and some of them were really difficult they had to remind myself that I had agreed that I would go to any length for victory over alcohol and then there was that second promise that I was willing to go to I was willing to take other women through the steps once I had gotten a solution and I did that I was ready. I remember getting to step 12, I was 15. I was 15 years old in nine months and I was like, alright, sick. Like who? I gotta wait for a 12 year old. Like they'll get here, you know what I mean? A 12 yearold will get sober and they will want what I have, dag nabbit. Like I'm sure of it. I just had to wait for someone who wanted what a 15 year old had to offer. And so it took a while. No one wanted it. But you know who did want me was H&I and tell the service so I like dove into service I dove in I had to come in at every meeting I was doing everything that I could until the beautiful day came that someone was sick enough to want what they had to offer you know and all jokes aside the women in AA did tell me like keep showing up keep coming back you have a solution to alcoholism age doesn't matter none of that matters you have something that they don't have and no matter what you can be of service and uh yeah I remember I remember sponsoring for my first time being absolutely terrified because when I went through the steps, even though she told me I had to give it away. Like I was just trying to get mine. You know what I mean? I wasn't thinking about having to take someone else to the steps at any point. So all of a sudden I had remember what like we talked about and all the things I was very concerned, but I didn't have to know all the answers. I didn'T have to have any of the answers matter of fact, if you don't have the answer, say, you don'T know, and you're going to call your sponsor and that's completely okay. And like, I still have to say, I DON'T know. Or Hey, I really DON'T have experience with that, but this person does. And you can call them. like we all have different experiences so I started sponsoring women and that truly like what it says in the book how it becomes like the bright spot of your life that truly that was really true for me it is genuinely the bright part of my life I think that I after that I like dove so heavy into Alcoholics Anonymous and into service I started doing young people um young people service young people in AlcoholicsAnonymous YPAW I was very heavy into that I was traveling all around the country doing service work and serving on advisory council and hosting conferences and I got involved in general service through that. It was honestly some of the most enjoyable and fun times of my life were in YPAW and being of service. Like everyone would go to these ACIPAW conferences and they would be up all night long and they Would be, you get what you want, you know what I mean? At a conference, but like there would be me and I'd be like behind the table, like, would you register for this? Like just a nerd, you know, just like totally all about Alcoholics Anonymous, all about service. That was all that I wanted to do and that was just what I did and I loved it And like, I think I dove so heavily into service and sponsorship and everything that like all I wanted, honestly, like I just wanted you guys to put a poster of me like up there. You know, like pray to me. You know what I mean? Like just that's what I wanted. I don't think I knew that at the time, but I was out here trying to be the perfect member of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? I wanted to be The Best. And like, I was like five years sober and still living at home who like similar to the prior speaker. Like, yeah, my mom, I come from an alcoholic home and my brother was loaded. My mom was loaded, everyone was loaded and I was there sober. And everyone who I used to get loaded with now just ignored me and I'm just this weirdo who is sober now and I stayed there for seven years like that. And I would go to these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and I would meet a newcomer woman and I'd see her raise her hand, I'd go up to her after the meeting and I'll be like, go, you know, can I talk to you? I'll talk to him for 45 minutes, an hour, two hours after the meeting. I'll invite you to coffee the next day. I'll buy you the coffee. I'II buy you dinner. You know, I'll do all these things. But I would go home and my mom would say, hi, Lindsay. And I would just like, hmm. AndIi would walk in and close the door. Andi would do that type of thing. I would not clean up after myself. Youknow, I'd show up late to work because I was fellowshipping, youknow, and I was tired. And, um, I would do these things like I'm a great member of Alcoholics Anonymous, but am I really a good member of society? And, like, I want to go back to what I had mentioned. like I was ready to be of service, I was ready to sponsor women but was I ready to be a good member of life? I wanted to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Was I ready to have a daughter even though my mom was still drunk? Was I ready to show up with love and tolerance and kindness and try to be good example of Alcoholic Anonymous or did I just want to be the good member here for the hour that I was here today? Did I want you all to speak highly of me or did i want to actually be a person? And if you looked at like my feet, my feet would say I really just was doing a lot of ego work work you know a lot of like service which honestly whatever dude it's still service I stayed sober that's for sure but like I needed to address that at the end of the day and I needed make sure that when I was being of service I was doing it to be of service to another alcoholic you know to stay sober right but not for what everyone thinks about me and I need it to address the way that I was treating the people at home I needed to address the fact that I could show up 15 minutes early to a meeting about call Exonymous and I knew to stay 15 minutes late but that I couldn't do that for work you now I needed two address all of those things and that was where like practicing the principles, all my affairs became really glaring. And I had to look differently at how I was with my family. And so I started praying a lot and I started asking you all, I had a really tumultuous relationship with my Family. How did you guys build back your relationship with your mom? How did You rebuild your relationship with Your family? And then I followed those instructions. I would go home and instead of just like flipping around and walking in the door, I'd ask how you were. How was your day today? I started doing these like small actions that over time helped me be a good example of a good example about Cal Exonomist. And eventually the day came where my mom called me and she told me that she wanted to get sober. Like I was the phone call that she made for that. Like that's like such a tremendous honor and a gift, you know? And a couple of years after that, my brother, my brother called me. He didn't say sober, but he was in and out of the rooms. And every time he wanted to get sobre, he called me actually every single year he called мне. He missed my birthday, but he called ME on my sobriety date every year while he was out there. And he was like homeless, chronically homeless you know and he would miss my birthday every year but he never forgot my sobriety day never one time and um to think about the fact that like i was able to be there for both of them and my grandmother fell ill and my grandfather felt ill they called me they called me to show up and i became his primary care provider and i helped her i walked through that with her through her losing her husband and i changed his diapers right by her side and i showed up and and i managed all of that right alongside her and then when she was passing i got to give her the same love that she showed me. Like those are all things that I only get to do because I'm an alcoholist anonymous. Those are things that i only get to do, because I have a God in my life. Those are things I only got to do because I am not getting loaded and I am not drinking. And it's not just that though, because I could be not drinking and I could still be a pile. I could not be drinking and I can be selfish and self-centered and inconsiderate and not want to help you and not want to help you. But if I'm in fit spiritual condition, I will literally show up to anybody and be of service wherever I can. I'm literally just trying to be a vessel. I'm just trying to be clear channel for God to work through me. If I'm doing the right thing, which is not consistent, I'm not consistent with that. But I've had these like beautiful opportunities in life when life's gotten really hard that I have like supports in my life. I have members of Alcoholics Anonymous who are constantly pushing me to do the right thing. When I call my girlfriends and I want to vent about something they'll let me vent but like their immediate question is like what's your part? They're not just like oh yeah Amanda you know she sucks you know like burner Like, no, my friends don't do that. And like sometimes I think it's unfortunate they want me to like do that and I'm just like, sorry, like you called the wrong girl, you know? Like I'm going to ask what's your part. I'm gonna ask if you've prayed about it. I'm gong to ask if he called a newcomer. Are you being of service? When was the last time you thought about someone else today? You know, that's what I'm naturally going to go to and like that's just where the feet are trained and I want my friends to hold me accountable in the same way. You know? That's just what I want. But eventually I had gotten this phone call. I was away at a, I got to, another incredible thing I got to do is play sober softball. I was like traveling around the country playing sober softball, it's been such a gift, I've been playing since I was 19, I met so many amazing people and I was in this tournament, the sober soft ball tournament in Utah and I got a phone call because my brother had had a child with his girlfriend and they were both loaded and that child had been taken by DCFS and was placed into foster care and I remember getting that phone call and I knew like immediately my first question was like what do I have to do to be certified to be a foster family and if you had asked me the day before if I wanted to be a mother, I didn't even want to be mom, I don't want to be a parent. I was so afraid of being exactly like my mom would have been or whatever. I had all my fears right? Of just not having it and being like oh shoot 18 years in that my bad, I made a mistake that's what I thought was going to happen and I got that phone called and it was like I knew that that was what I was going to do and like I just my feet just started moving and I like I did everything that I could I had to fight to try to get to get certified as a foster family and three weeks later that little boy who was three and a half was placed in my care and then I got to like actively work with you know with his parents my brother and his girl to tryと get sober and unfortunately they were not able to stay sober at that time and I ended up adopting him in 2022 and now he's my son and the most beautiful part of that is, uh, cause it's sad. It's sad because ultimately at the end of the day, like he needs his mother and I'm a second mommy. And, um, but the beautiful part about that is that my brother ended up getting sober and now I get to co-prone with my brother and he's like a very active and engaged person in his life. And I always joke around this around this topic that I have, like my brother is my baby daddy and it's just the way that cookie crumbled for me in my life um but like in all like honesty it's just been such an absolute blessing to have like the steps of the steps and to have the supports and to people now call exonymous show me how to be a mom and like help me walk through that fear that i'm not going to bea good mom and that like no matter what on my worst day as long as i'm sober and as long as I'm fit spiritually and as longas I have these tools like on my worse day I will never be a bad mom. I'm a great mother. Like, I know how to show up. I know how to be consistent. I now how to accountable. I'm there. I don't lie. I am loving, I'm nurturing, I am kind. I have all the things that every member of Alcoholics Anonymous showed me. And I didn't mention this about before I got sober but there was this time that I tried getting sober. One of the times in the notebook I was crossing it out and I had gone to a transit center. I was trying to leave that house I was staying at and I run into a member of alcoholics anonymous and no one had shown any kindness me, but this one member of Alcoholics Anonymous saw me at the transit center and he bought me a burrito. He said I looked sick, which I did, and he brought me a barrito. And I remember that being like the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. He is no longer sober. I don't know his name. I don' t know anything about him. I never saw him again. But that was a member of Alcoholex Anonymous that made a lasting impression that 20 years later, almost every time I talk, I talk about that experience. You never know who you're going to help. You never the impression you're gonna have on somebody, whether they stay sober or they don't, like you're always being a good example of alcohol. You're always be an example of Alcoholicsonomist. So like that guy was a really good example of Alcoholicsonimus. He bought me a burrito and he showed me compassion and love in a way that I hadn't been shown before for many many years honestly until I ended up coming back into Alcoholicsonimus and I say that because it was people like you you know who told me when with my brother my mom like what to do about that is to continue to show up and be tolerant and loving and like there we're gonna save a seat for him and we're going to save a seat for her and just be a good example of a good example and pray for them you know like that's all that's all you can do and it was all of the things that you have done that have like really been able to show me that the woman that I want to be today and I just think like I've truly been able to I've truly been able to grow up an alcohol exonymous. I mean all of us are growing up an alcohol exonymous but like and like for me literally everything I know is from you. I didn't have a mother in my life, so every woman in these rooms became my mother. I don't have the father of my life. So every single one of you men became became like a father to me, I learned how to have platonic relationships with men, I knew how to have relationships that were healthy with my friendships, and my relationships, my intimate relationships, you know, I learn how to like apply the principles in those areas of my life when it gets really dicey. And like, you know, I think if I really, if I could say, if I could like for the very end of my, the last remaining time of my share, talk about what's been the most important and I haven't highlighted it much and that was intentional is my relationship with a higher power. And the reason I haven'T really brought that up very much is because for a long time, service is really what kept me here. And like, I don't think like, I mean, I definitely had a spiritual, I had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. I had an intention to do this. I had a relationship with the higher power, but I definitely didn't like rely and trust on that God. Like I didn't, you know, like I genuinely think, and I say this all the time, I genuinely believe in my heart of hearts. Like, I know that I'm an alcoholic and I know my name is Lindsay and I Know I'm Blonde. I genuinely belief I can run your life better than you. I do. I'm sorry. I think I can. And I actually think that in the core, like the core of my, I generally think that if you just let me manage your life, like probably make more money you'd be happier like you shouldn't date him or her and like if you just let me run the show i genuinely think that the problem is is that like there's a percentage of time i'm right you know what i mean like there'S A PERCENTAGE OF TIME THAT IF YOU DID JUST LISTEN TO ME AH LIKE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR YOU AND UM WHAT'S HARD ABOUT THAT IS THAT THE MOMENT THAT HAPPENS I'M LIKE AH I GOT THIS LIKE I'VE DONE THIS ALL MYSELF LIKE I THINK honestly genuinely like I don't need God anymore like look at that look at me I'm thriving I'm killing it you know I'm doing everything I need to be doing and like soon after that I'm like on my knees begging God for help and like that was a trend of like back and forth and it still is like I don'T um I DON'T KNOW if people who have been have long-time sobriety just don't no longer have fear but I have fear consistently I'M CONSTANTLY HAVING TO TURN MY LIFE OVER TO GOD constantly. And like, I'm constantly in fear. Like it's not like, I'm not like how it used to be, but like, I can see myself trying to run the show, you know, like the character. Yeah. I'm like lying in the way that I'm cheating on my boyfriends anymore. You know, I am not stealing from Macy's anymore, you now, but like I'm doing these little minor character defects. They're just sneaky now. You know what I mean? They're conniving and they're not the same. It's not so glaring, but they're still there. And the fear is there where I'm trying to manage things like, Oh, I'm afraid that I'm dating, I'm dating someone in the first few months of my relationship right now and in that there's a lot of fear. Fear of it's not going to work. Fear of me getting hurt. The vulnerability, right? And like just full transparency. Like these are the things that come up for me is I have to turn that over because I'll start to be like oh I need to say this or if I buy him this thing or if i do this then he'll say. It's like no I just need to be me. I just show up and be me like I just seem to show up trust God and be me. I need show up, trust God, clean house, be me I need to show up, trust God, clean house, be me, like, be of service. That's all I have to do. And if I just do that, like at the end of the day, I'm going to be okay. God has shown me consistently over and over and ever again, like if I play that tape out, worst case scenario, this is what I have to do, worst-case scenario, I play that fear out, first of all, I pray, I ask God for guidance, I turn my attention to someone that I can help when I'm having these thoughts, and then I also try to like reality check that. I'm like, and? Okay, if he doesn't want to be with me, like I've been killing it, you know what I mean? without him. I'll be fine. I have to play that tape all the way out. That's how I have to manage the fears. Give it to God and make sure that I'm going to be okay. I know that I'm gonna be fine, and I say that because I think that I don't always talk about what's going on for me when things are difficult. I'm like queen of last week I had a hard time, but I'm never really great at I'm having a hard Time. Raising my hand and saying I'm having a Hard Time is a lot harder for me, and for me I don' t love trusting and relying on God, because I've never been able to rely on anyone in my entire life. It's always been me, right? So like the idea of now you want me to trust in, like, I wasn't religious. So in my mind, sometimes when I start drifting away from a spiritual connection, I'm like, you want me to listen to like, the two theory, you know what I mean? Like, that's where my brain will go when I started to drift that far away from God. And like, it is true that, that I need that. And I have to constantly stay in touch with my higher power. I have constantly be praying, I have to constantly be meditating. I have constantly be turning it over because if it's just me, all of a sudden I can be in the most enjoyable place in the entire world and I'll be miserable. I could be at Disneyland, the happiest place on earth, and yet I'm complaining about the cost of the churros and everything sucks and the lines and this. But like if I'm good, like if i'm good spiritually, I'm going to be good everywhere. And there was this old timer who used to say, like, if you're bored, you're boring, you know? Like if you are bored in AA, you are boring. Like, be of service. Be of service, go help people. Go be active and you'll have a better experience. And something else that someone said to me that I love and then I'm actually gonna close is that as long as I keep coming back, when I talk about loving my home group and like I love to show up every Friday, there's been times in my recovery where I've drifted a little bit away or I'm not as consistent with a certain meeting and I don't know if you guys noticed this, but new faces start coming up and the more new faces are cropping up, the more distant I feel from that meeting, The more distant I feel from the meeting and Alcoholics Anonymous, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, I've got to go to that meeting tonight. You know, I don't really want to go To that meeting today. But if I stay, it's so easy to just keep staying. It's so much easier to keep coming back if I'm staying in the meeting and I'm being of service. So if you're new and you're thinking, you know, I definitely think I have a problem with my liquor, but I didn't get sober at 15, like, it doesn't matter. You know? Like, that has nothing to do with it. I did not, for me, I didn't wait until I heard my story in Alcoholics Anonymous. It would have taken a long time. I was looking for the differences all the way. But it was for me. It was getting a sponsor and reading the book. It was finding myself in the pages of AlcoholicsAnonymous. It was going back and forth with my sponsor about the craving. It was doing a lot of research. It was making sure that I know that I have this allergy that never occurs in the average or temperate drinker. Like, that's really where I found that this is where I'm supposed to be. So, you know, hopefully if you didn't hear anything tonight from me, it sounds like this meeting is absolutely incredible. You guys are grown in size, so you'll have no problem, you know, finding a sponsor and people who could be of service. And thank you for allowing me to be of service.