More About Alcoholism and the Way a Drunk Concocts a Position to Hide It – Don B.

The eleventh step, we were talking yesterday, someone with me, I think Jess was talking to me about what books do we use other than the approved books. And the eleventh steps says that we go to our priest or rabbis and ministers and we get books. Bill used to call us a spiritual kindergarten. Know what it's all about and once you get better, get his brand of spirituality where there is yet time. When Father takes this pact, the family may react unfavorably. They may be jealous of a God who has stolen dad's affection. That's not impossible. While grateful that he's drinking no more, they may not like the idea that God has accomplished the miracle which they had failed. Based in ego. They think you've got power. They often forget father was beyond human aid. Be very careful. The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is human aid keep that in mind they may not see why their love and devotion did not straighten him out dad is not so spiritual after all they say if he means to right his past wrongs why all this concern for everyone in the world but his family altruistic behavior always in the lines of service if I'm going to make a mistake let me make it on the God side can't go wrong if I make it on the God side I've sat with people and we were talking this gal is 21 years sober and we're working some inventory and we got to an 8th step and we are deciding how to make amends to people and she starts to balk and I said you are in spiritual battle and she understood that you are en spiritual battle what about his talk that God will take care of them They suspect Father is a little balmy. He is not so unbalanced as they think. Many of us have experienced dadzulation. We have indulged in spiritual intoxication like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the last ounce of food or pick struck gold. We went from bottom to top. Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds. Father feels he has struck something better than gold. for a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself he may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless load my God is limitless there is nothing that he can't do I hope yours isn't the same he will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and the system giving away the entire product. That is called a paradox. I'm going to give it away for a lifetime. I'm gonna get it and give it way. That doesn't make sense in this world, right? It just doesn't makes sense. If the family cooperates dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for the average man like himself a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family will appreciate that Dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these extravagancies is what the word means, I can't even say it, but Paul keeps telling me, of Dad's spiritual emcee will quickly disappear. Why don't you go smoke cigarettes? See how much I'm considerate this morning. All right, are we ready to go? Let's see what we can do now. The opposite may happen should the family condemn and criticize. Dad may feel that for years his drinking has placed him on the wrong side of every argument. But that now he's become a superior person with God on his side. You know, one of the things that happens to people who have not had spiritual experiences and because self can't overcome self, it's hard for us to believe that somebody else has. You know what I'm saying? It's really hard to see that. If the family persists in the criticism, his fallacy may take a greater hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for doing so. When Mother Teresa had an encounter with God on a train while she was on a sabbatical, she was teaching geography to a bunch of rich kids in India and God gave her a different plan and she goes to her person who's in charge of her which is supposed to be trying to help her not get too far out of kind of like sponsoring in a way try to help you not get to egotistical and she tells him well he's never had that experience he has no idea scares the heck out of him so he runs to his superior and tells him about it and the guy says I knew that woman when she was a novice nun. And he said she couldn't chew gum and walk at the same time. And you're telling me to let her go on her own into the streets of Calcutta where they'll kill you for nothing? You've got to be kidding. And they made her wait a year, and she came back with the same deal, and they turned her loose. Look what happened to her. See what eventually they realized God was there for her. God was running her show. If you've never read her story, she is an example that it didn't make any difference who said what. They made fun of her at first. Before it was all over with, she had her own apartment at the Vatican. this is a girl that didn't want anything didn't have anything didn't need anything there's some great miracle stories in her life but it was fantastic I read a lot of books other than AA so though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities they should let him have his head even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics during those first days of convalescence. They will do more to ensure his sobriety than anything else. Though some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think Dad will be on firmer foundation than the man who is placing business or professional success ahead of spiritual development. He will be less likely to drink again and anything is preferable to that. Those of us who have spent much time in the world of the Spirit make-believe have eventually seen the childlessness of it this dream world has been replaced by a greater sense of purpose accomplished by a growing consciousness of the power of god in our lives god is an experience and the more you're in there doing it the more experience you get and you will have growth if they ask you to chair a meeting today and you're a year sober and five years from now you're saying the same stuff you haven't grown you need to get busy growing we used to say You either grow here or you go here. We have come to believe that he would like us to keep our head in the clouds with him and that our feet ought to be firmly planted on the earth. That is where our fellow travelers are. You betcha. That's where our fellows travelers are and that is where our work must be done. Fantastic. Almost like a vision for you. These are the realities for us. we have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness. One more suggestion, whether the family has spiritual convictions or not, they may do well to examine the principles for which the alcoholic member is trying to live. They can hardly fail to approve these similar principles. Though the head of the house still fails somewhat in practicing them, we don't have perfection here. we travel a road of progress not perfection once in a while we get perfect people in a i've seen them i've heard them they have all kinds of rules and regulations it's an interesting place nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so much as the wife who adopted a sane spiritual program making better practical use of it to find common ground my experience with people who let's say they're married husband gets sober wife follows them in gets a good out and on sponsor works the steps or works the step somewhere and has some sort of spiritual experience yourself they are on such tight ground their marriage only increases and gets better. Those that don't, it's hard. They don't always break down, but it's harder. It's hard on them. There will be other profound changes in the household. Licker incapacitated father for so many years that mother became head of the house. She met these responsibilities gallantly by force of circumstance. That's normal. She was often obliged to treat father as a sick or wayward child even when he wanted to assert himself he could not for drinking placed him constantly in the wrong mother made all the plans and gave all the directions when sober father usually obeyed thus mother through no fault of her own became accustomed to wearing the family trousers father coming suddenly to life again often begins to assert itself he grabs his autonomy back this means trouble unless the family watches for these tendencies in each other and comes to a friendly agreement about them. Drinking isolated most homes from the outside world, father may have laid aside for years all normal activities, clubs, civics, duties, sports. When he renews interest in such things, a feeling of jealousy may arise. The family may feel they hold a mortgage on dad so big that no equity should be left for outsiders. Instead of developing a new channel of activities for themselves, mother and children demand that he stay home and make up the deficiencies. In my early childhood, I did not allow you to come to my house. My people were too embarrassing. They were untrustworthy. I could not trust them. No telling what they'd be doing. And I'm talking about no telling what to be doing and my social instinct is on the line. So when I interviewed Dr. Bob Smith Jr., I'll be a name dropper today I asked him about that he was 17 when his dad got sober and he said my dad was not a hostile or mean man he was just drunk and my mother was always in some sort of I hate to use the word depression but I guess so just being depressed about what's going on in the house and we didn't want anybody to come to our house I said what was it like after you people recovered and they began to bring drunks to your house. We thought it was the greatest thing that ever happened. The hymnist said they loved it and the house became happy, joyous and free. It's just beautiful. At the very beginning the couple ought to be frankly faced the fact that each of us will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in our new life. Part of successful living is to understand that all people fall short of the glory of God. In other words are defective and if you're looking for that ideal person in your life that has no defects good luck i'm afraid you'll be disappointed you know father will necessarily spend much time with you get disappointed they want to correct the defect to make them perfect boy that's oh man but this activity should be uh should be balanced new acquaintances who know nothing of alcoholism might be made and thoughtfully considerate, given their needs. The problem of the community might engage in attention. When we talk about giving needs, we've talked about it in Chapter 7 a little bit. In those days, Sister Mother, what was the angel of alcoholics? I can't remember. Mother of Alcoholics Anonymous? No, Sister Ignatius. She had her treatment program going, five beds and two cots. She would call Ann and use her like a social worker. She'd say, go check on the families and see how they're doing. Then Ann would call the men in if they needed screens put on doors, if they wanted windows put in, if they need food, whatever they needed, they got. So the family could be sustained while the father was still developing. The problem of the community may engage in tension, though the family has no religious connection. They may still wish to make contact with or take membership in a religious body. Dr. Bob's family, through the encouragement of the Oxford group, joined the Presbyterian church. They threw him out when he started working with drunks in the house. He cluttered up the neighborhood. So he went down and joined the Episcopal Church, and Reverend Tunks, the man who had sent Bill Wilson, gave him the list of people that Paul ended up burying him. Alcoholics who have derided religious people will be helpful by such contact. Being possessed of a spiritual experience, the alcoholic will find he has much in common with these people, though he may differ with them on many matters. If he does not argue about religion, he will make new friends and is sure to find new avenues of usefulness and pleasure. He and his family can be a bright spot in such a congregation. He may bring new hope and new encouragement to many a priest, minister, or rabbi who has given his all to minister to our troubled world. We intended the foregoing as a helpful suggestion only. So far as we are concerned, there is nothing obligatory about it. As non-denominational people, we cannot make up others' minds for them. Each individual should consult his own conscience. I joined a Mormon church many years ago. And they find you even when you're hiding. But I appreciate them today. And they come to see me. And the guy that comes to see us is a pastor. He comes to meet me as a bishop. I don't know where he's classed at. He's like the preacher of the church. And anyway, he comes to my house once a month. And they do that to see if the family needs assistance or how your health is or can they be of service. And usually they bring you some kind of a religious message. When he comes and sees me, I said to him, well, now that you're being relieved of your bishopship, you'll probably move to a higher position and you won't be a guy going around the ward making your calls on people. He said, oh no. He said this is absolutely the most exciting house in the ward. Even though you don't come to church. He said there's more action here with God than I know of any place I go. And we just sit and talk about it. His mother was an alcoholic. And we'd just sit down and talk. We'd just talk about alcoholism. What are you guys doing today? Where are you now? You know what's happening to so-and-so, you know? He don't know them, but he knows them just from talking about them. He's a great guy. Can I do anything to help? The fact is they have a program, a 12-step program today. That's kind of interesting. Not doing too good, but they're trying. So we're concerned. It says, we have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We've been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspects. We are on a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist upon enjoying life. You betcha. God, I love this weekend. I don't know about you, but I have a great time here. I laugh and I love to hear you laugh and it's just so much fun. We try not to indulge in criticism of the state of the nation, cynicism of the state of nation, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. I used to be the greatest debater in the world I've gone from that to I don't even want to look at their troubles of the world I'd rather be in a good AA meeting when we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, step one we give him first aid we say detoxes and place him in what we have at his disposal, 2 through 12. For his sake we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. Just only for you. They're but a memory to me. For those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and the troubles of others find we'll soon be overcome by them. we shorten that up sometimes and we say your job is to help the drunk not carry the mess you know I've got no power it's the hardest thing in the world to remember that I've Got No Power except what God gives me so we think cheerfulness and laughter makes for usefulness outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered. We have given the power to help what? Others. I just want to make sure you're following along here. You've been given the Power to Help Others. And you need to be doing that. Everyone knows that those in bad health and those who seldom play do not laugh much. I've never been happier in my life. I'm very fortunate I have limited health problems. Poor sweetie, she's been through it. I just take a few pills for high blood pressure, a little vitamin, a little gout medicine. All the old alcoholics have gout or should have if they drank enough. So let each family play together separately as much as their circumstances warrant. We're assured God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. So you've got to ask yourself that question. If I'm not happy, joyful, and happy, if I'm happy, happy, and joyous and free, why not? And whose fault is it? It's certainly not God's. He wants me to be happy, Joyous, And Free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a bale of tears, though once it was just that for many of us. Okies have some of the finest drinking music in the world. We really do. Our claim to fame. But it is clear that we have made our own misery. That's hard to accept. I've made my own, I'm blaming you. You're the cause of my problem. If only you would do this or do that. But I create my own misery it's a personal journey God didn't do it I've just got so many crosses in the church they call it crosses to bear you know like Christ making the trip you know I've got so much I've only just got so many cross laid on me you know give them to God get rid of them avoid them deliver it manufacture of misery all you hear them in meetings oh god you hear him but if trouble comes cheerfully capitalize on an opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence the all-powerful god now about health a body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor does do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling a sick mind cannot overcome a sick mine we are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful and health restorative. We who have recovered from serious drinking are miracles of mental health, but we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of his dissipation. I have a friend named Dr. Mark. He's 36 years a doctor. He's 23 years sober in AA. He totally is committed and believes in Alcoholics Anonymous. He says there's nothing else like it. He said, I also have a degree in addictionology. It's worthless. But I got one. He said to me once, Don, would you like to make a lot of money? And I said, oh, I don't know if money is a good thing for me. And he said, well, I'll tell you how we can do it. I said how's that? He said I can be the doctor and we'll open up a treatment program. and you he's telling me we're going somewhere to speak he's got me in tears laughing so hard and he said and we're gonna say to them to the people our advertisement will be we're gone we're gon' teach you to drink successfully in 28 days for $25,000 he said Don they'll be lined up around the block and when they and when they fail we punish them cause they didn't do what we told them to do because they can't, but they don't know that. And we'll charge them $50,000 for the second run-through. And I'm like you. I'm just laughing all I remember going to Redwood City. I'm almost off the road driving a car. I just thought, man, oh, man. But we have seen remarkable transfiguration in the body. Hardly one of our crowd read that. But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures. God has an abundant supply in this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. In 1954, I was a medic in the service. From 54 to 57, I got an honorable discharge. I don't know how. I was drunk from the beginning. A sweetie had a heart operation where they put a valve in her and corrected it. They had to roto-rooter her. That's what I call it. Out a couple of veins. in 54 she would have died and today my Dr. Mark says to me if there's any problems call me I'll be glad to help you out he's a wonderful man he said Don he said today that operation is like a mechanic opening the hood on a car that's all they do all day long and he said they're good at it amen do not hesitate to take your health problems to such a person most of them give freely of themselves and that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies try to remember that through god has wrought miracles among us we would never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist we have a tendency i do not want you to understand i believe you need to go to therapy if you think you need you go i'm not anti anything i'm only here to help their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterwards one of the many doctors who has an opportunity this is Harry Tebow he's talking about of reading this book in a manuscript form told us that the use of sweets was often helpful of course dependent upon a doctor's advice we thought all alcoholics should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy value at times of fatigue he added that occasionally in the night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by candy well there you go get you 50 pounds of candy Keep it by then. And then you can join Overeaters sooner or later, like me. I need to go do that. Many of us have noticed the tendency to eat sweets and found this practice beneficial. But we're worried about sex relations. Alcohol is so sexually stimulating to some men that they have overindulged. Watch out, Don. Couples are occasionally dismayed to find that when drinking is stopped the man tends to be impotent oh let's don't talk about that unless the reason is understood there may be an emotional upset some of us had this experience only to enjoy a few months of finer intimacy than ever there should be no hesitation in consulting a doctor or psychologist for this condition persists we do not know of many cases where the difficulty lasted long the alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relationships with his children. The young minds were impressible while he was drinking. Without saying so, they may cordially hate him for what he has done to them and their mother. The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic... Ah, that's not the right word. Okay, thank you. Hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forget and forgive. This may hang on for months, long after their mother has accepted dad's new way of living and thinking. All my children speak to me today. All my children call me on Father's Day. But I'll tell you why, because I made those face-to-face amends. I admitted my wrongs. Children are a little bit like dogs. They'll come back no matter what. You know? They don't want to be separated from that which created them. So I have a great relationship with them. My first wife treats me like I'm still married to her. She calls me up and says We've got to talk about Carl. I don't know, Carl's drinking and drugging. That's what she wants to talk. She'd like me to fix him. This may hang on for a month or long after their mother has accepted dad's new way of living and thinking. In time they will see that he is a new man. And in their own way they will let him know it. You betcha. When this happens they can be invited to join a morning meditation. And then they take part in daily discussion without rancor or bias. When Sweetie and I got together, she had a little girl. Her name was Michelle, and she was eight years old. And one of her first, she was a very smart girl. She's a mensa. And so she asked me, do I have to call you dad? I said, no, you've got a great dad. There's nothing wrong with your dad. And it just so happened the way my life was set up that I had a lot of freedom to take her a lot places while her brother and dad were working. So one day I'm in the hallway of life, and I say to her, come on. I called her Mel. I said, come on, Mel, we're going to be late. She said, okay, Dad, I'll be right there. I never said a word and she never said it. A number of years ago, she's 23 years old now, 24 now. And she says she's a college graduate. She's taking her CPA exam this Saturday, part of it. So one day she comes to me and she said, when I get married, do you think it would be all right for you and my father to walk me down the aisle required no discussion whatsoever it required me to do what I say I'm going to do required her to build a bridge of trust in me and we have a great deal of trust she's a very funny girl I have two computers that can't operate and I'm telling them about operating but buying another one for this recording studio thing and she says to me you can't operate the first one I just fell off the couch I thought she was pretty funny little snot alright in time they will see the new man and in their own way they will let him know it that's exactly what happened to me when this happens they can be invited to join in morning meditation, then they can take part in the daily discussions without rancor or bias. He's suggesting that what he's saying is that the people who pray together probably stay together, you know. From this point on, progress will be rapid. Barbarous results often follow such a reunion. Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he would recover. We're here to apply a spiritual solution to a physical and mental problem in which there is no known cure. And remember what I told you that Selfworth wrote about. What we call alcoholic behavior is really human self-centered behavior. That's what he writes about. So the quicker you get away from I'm this way because I'm alcoholic and get over to I'm selfish and self-centred, the quicker your life will be. The quicker you're going to get better. Because as long as you keep your disease you're using it to defend your actions. The others must be convinced of the new status beyond the shadow of doubt. Seeing is believing. Time, trust. Time equals trust. It always does. Just like promises equal power. When you see the promises in the book, it equals power for you. Seeing is believeing to most families who have lived with a drinker. Here's a case in point. that one of our friends is a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. His name is Earl Preet. He's the guy they're writing about. There was no doubt he overindulged. Seeing this, admitting to be helpful, his wife commenced to admonish him about it. He admitted he was overdoing these things, but frankly said there was nothing ready to stop. His wife is one of those persons who really feels there's something rather sinful about his commodities, so she nags and her intolerance finally throws him into a fit of anger and he got drunk trying to change somebody you don't want to change ain't going to happen the book says it's got to come from inside right our course of our friend was wrong dead wrong he had to painfully admit that he that and mended his spiritual fences made his ninth step amends though he is now a most effective member of Alcoholics Anonymous he still smokes and drinks coffee but neither his wife nor anyone else stands in judgment she sees she was wrong to make a burning issue out of such a matter when his more serious helmet was being rapidly cured we have three little mottos which are appropriate they are mind your own business that no help first things first live and let live and easy does it all right I'm going to go back for a minute to page 129 when Don was talking about the family afterwards and a couple people have come up during this weekend and the previous weekend and talked about you know when I go to work with others and I think it's pretty clear at the bottom of 129 that is talking about what's going to happen and it says that during those first days of convalescence this will do more to ensure its sobriety than anything else so when a sponsee says to me jeez, I don't think I'm ready to go help somebody else and you want the place in the book where you talk about it and somebody says you know you shouldn't be talking to somebody else until you're a year or so you shouldn't be thinking about sponsorship you're always thinking about helping somebody else and the book says that my spirituality is enhanced because I've got to get out of myself because I got to be helping others and I want to do it in the first days of convalescence for those of you that have been in a detox or treatment center, who do you look to you always look to the person that's closest I never went up to the guy that had 10 years and said, geez, how does it feel? I want the guy that's got 30 days. I want to understand better in the detox. When some guy with five years walks in and says, geez, I want him to tell you how I got sober. I don't care how you got sober I want them to know I want people to know that that fool sitting over there was 30 days because I can't believe I can get to 30 days I've got one day more than you've got I've Got Something To Tell You I got a week and you've got nothing I got something to tell you because what I want to know if I'm sitting in there is how you got a weak because I got no concept of 20 plus years so when somebody asks you that question where do you see that in the book Mike well that's where you see that in a book to employers we've pretty much covered everybody now haven't we this is sort of like so among many employers nowadays we think of one member who has spent much of his life in the world of big business he has hired and fired hundreds of men, he knows the alcoholic, his employer this is Hank Hank Parker Bill's partner when they were trying to sell the automobile product he knows the alcoholic as the employer sees him, his present views ought to prove exceptionally useful to businessmen everywhere, but let him tell you. I was at one time assistant manager of a corporation department employing 6,600 men. One day my secretary came in and said that Mr. B insisted on speaking with me. I told him to say that I was not interested. I had warned him several times that he had had but one more chance. Not long afterward, he called me from Hartford on two successive days so drunk he could hardly speak. I told him he was through, finally and forever. My secretary returned to say that it was not Mr. B on the phone, it was Mr. V's brother, and he wished to give me a message. I still expected a plea for clemency, but these words came through the receiver. I just wanted to tell you that Paul jumped from a hotel window in Hartford last Saturday. He left us a note saying you were the best boss he ever had and that you were not to blame in any way. Another time, as I opened a letter which lay on my desk, the newspaper clipping fell out. It was the obituary of one of the best salesmen I ever had. After two weeks of drinking, he had placed his toe on the trigger of a loaded shotgun barrel in his mouth. I had discharged him for drinking six weeks before. Still another experience, a woman's voice came faintly over long distance from Virginia. She wanted to know if her husband's company insurance was still in force. Four days before he had hanged himself in his woodshed, I had been obliged to discharge him for drinking, though he was a brilliant, alert, and one of the best organizers I had ever known. Here were three exceptional men lost to this world because I did not understand alcoholism as I do now. What irony! I became an alcoholic myself, and but through the intervention of an understanding person, I might have followed in their footsteps. My downfall cost the business community unknown thousands of dollars. For it takes real money to train a man for an executive position. This kind of waste goes on unabated. We think that business fabric is shot through with a situation and might be helped by better understanding all around. At this time, at the time the book was written, that, you know, alcoholism wasn't a disease. so it wasn't treated so there wasn't any programs in the state of California now if you're an alcoholic you get treatment but at the time that the book was written that wasn't happening there was no understanding it was a moral issue you were in a moral person there was not a cure for you we knew there was a cure you're dismissed and you're out of here so nearly every modern employer feels a moral responsibility for the well-being of his health, and he tries to meet those responsibilities. That he has not always done so for the alcoholic is easily understood. To him, the alcoholic has often seemed a fool of the first magnitude because of the employee's special ability or his own strong personal attachment to him, the employer has sometimes kept such a man at work long beyond a reasonable period. Some employers have tried every known remedy, and only a few instances have there been a lack of patience and tolerance, and we were imposed on the best of employers to conspiringly, sparingly? Scarcely blame them if they had been short with us. I've got to tell you a little bit of my story here because, you know, I never lost a job. One thing I figured out as an alcoholic early on, you now, if you put yourself in such a position and you keep making them money they're going to turn the blind eye and if you can keep going down that road, you'll keep going down that road and I've talked to a lot of people in here the last four days that we've been here you know they're in that same situation your bottom is not going to be a bottom necessarily that's broke and I'm lost everything and I don't have anything you know I can have that all, I can play that game and I can finish that off and still be in denial about my alcoholism and still be trying to find a way around it you know when I finally got sober you know I was drunk 24 hours a day I still had a great pagan job you know but I had to get up every single morning and start drinking I'd actually come to every single morning and start drinking and drink all day and pass out at night you know and it's amazing how alcoholic mind of work is you know I concocted manipulated myself into a position with an employer that would cover all of that that allowed me to do that every single day now that's not everybody's story but it happens to everyone here for instance is a typical example an officer one of the best of the largest banking institutions in America knows I no longer drink. One day he told me about an executive of the same branch who, from his description, was undoubtedly alcoholic. This seemed to me like an opportunity to be helpful, so I spent two hours talking about alcoholism, the malady, and described the symptoms and results as well as I could. His comment was very interesting, but I'm sure this man is done drinking. He has just returned from a three-month leave of absence, has taken a cure, looks fine, and to clinch the battle, the board of directors told me this was his last chance. I went into treatment. I called the guy that I worked for who's in another state and I said, I'm taking a month off because of my alcoholism going in for treatment. He says, oh my God, you can't do this to me. You are not an alcoholic. You don't need to go to treatment. You know? the only answer I could make was that if the man followed the usual pattern he would have gone on a bigger bus than ever I felt this was inevitable and wondered if the bank was doing the man an injustice why not bring him into contact with some of our alcoholic crowd he might have a chance I pointed out that I had nothing I had had nothing to drink whatever for three years and this in the face of difficulties as it would remain nine out of ten men drink their heads off. Why not at least afford him an opportunity to hear my story? Oh no, said my friend, this chap is either through with liquor or he is minus a job. If he has your willpower and guts, he will make the grade. That's the assumption. See, I always want to believe that normal people are going to look at me and think that I'm like reasonable. that they're going to understand, you know. And to this day, you know, what I've found out of this program, I'm powerless. I'm unmanageable. So I'm abnormal and I'm insane. And I will continue to be abnormal and insane. And that's not going to change. And there's no time that I'm ever going to be able to look at an employer or look at somebody out there and say, geez, I want you to accept me as like a normal person. You know, and understand what it is and how I have to live my life. I went to throw up my hands in discouragement, for I saw that I had failed to help my bankrupt friend understand. He simply could not believe that his brother executive suffered from a serious illness. There was nothing to do but wait. Presently the man did slip and was fired. Following his discharge we contacted him without much ado. He accepted the principles and procedures that had helped us. He is undoubtedly on the road to recovery. To me, this incident illustrates lack of understanding as to what really ails the alcoholic, the lack of knowledge as to part employers might profitably take in salvaging their sick employees. If you desire to help, it might be well to disregard your own drinking or lack of it. Whether you are a hard drinker, a moderate drinker or a teetotaler, you may have some pretty strong opinions, perhaps prejudices. Those who drink moderately may be more annoyed with an alcoholic than a total abstainer would be. Drinking occasionally and understanding your own reaction, it is possible for you to become quite sure of many things which, so far as an alcoholic is concerned, are not always solvable. As a moderate drinker, you can take your liquor or leave it alone. Whenever you want to, you control your drinking. of an evening you can go on a mild bender get up in the morning, shake your head and go to business to you liquor is no real problem you cannot see why it should be to anyone else say the spineless and stupid when dealing with an alcoholic there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible even when you understand the malady better you may feel this feeling surprising. Look at the alcoholic in your organization as many times illuminated. Is he not usually brilliant, fast thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober does he not work hard and have a knack for getting things done? If he had these qualities and did not drink would he be worth retaining? Should he have the same consideration as other ailing employees? Is he worth salvaging? If your decision is yes, whether the reason be humanitarianism or business or both, then the following suggestions can be helpful. You can discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will. If this presents difficulty, rereading chapters two and three where the Alcoholic sicknesses discussed at length might be worthwhile. You, as a businessman, want to know the necessities before considering the result. If you can see that your employee is ill, can he be forgiven for what he has done in the past? Can his past absurdities be forgotten? Can it be appreciated that he has been a victim of crooked thinking directly caused by the action of alcohol in his brain? I well remember the shock I received when a prominent doctor in Chicago told me of cases where pressure of the spinal fluid actually ruptured the brain. No wonder an alcoholic is strangely irrational. Who wouldn't be with such a fevered brain? Normal drinkers are not so affected, nor can they understand the aberrations of the alcoholic. Your man has probably been trying to conceal a number of scrapes, perhaps messy ones. they may be disgusting you may be at a loss to understand how such a seemingly above board chap can be so involved but these scrapes can generally be charged no matter how bad to the abnormal action of alcohol on his mind when drinking or getting over about an alcoholic sometimes the model of honesty when normal will do incredible things afterward his revulsion will be terrible Nearly always, these antics indicate nothing more than temporary conditions. This is not to say that all alcoholics are honest and upright when not drinking. Of course that isn't so. And such people often may impose on you. Seeing your attempt to understand and help, some men will try to take advantage of your kindness. If you assure your man does not want to stop, he may as well... if you are sure your man does not want to stop he may as well be discharged the sooner the better you're not doing him a favor by keeping him on acquiring such an individual may prove a blessing to him it may be just the jolt he needs I know in my particular case that nothing my company could have done would have stopped me for so long as I was able to hold my position I could not possibly realize how serious my situation was had they fired me first and had they then taken steps to see that I was presented with a solution contained in this book I might have returned to them six months later a well man but there are many men who want to stop and with them you can go far your understanding treatment of their cases will pay dividends perhaps you have such a man in mind he wants to quit drinking and he wants a helping even if it be only a matter of good business. You now know more about alcoholism. You can see that he is mentally and physically sick. We are willing to overlook his past performances. Suppose an approach is made something like this. State that you know about his drinking and that it must stop. You might say you appreciate his abilities, would like to keep him, but cannot if he continues to drink. A firm attitude at this point has helped many of us. Next, he can be assured that you do not intend to lecture, moralize, or condemn. That if this was done formally, it was because of misunderstanding. If possible, express a lack of hard feelings toward him. At this point, it might be well to explain alcoholism the illness. say that you believe he is gravely ill he is a gravely old person with disqualification being perhaps fatally ill does he want to get well you ask because many alcoholics being warped and drugged do not want to quit but does he will he take every necessary step submit to anything to get well to stop his drinking forever to the wives and now in the two employers that the same questions that we talked about when we talked about working with others you know the same questions you always got to ask are you is there a willingness do you understand you know the same three questions always apply if he says yes does he really mean it or down inside does he think he's fooling you and that after rest and treatment he'll be able to get away with a few drinks now and then we believe a man should be thoroughly probed on these points be satisfied he is not deceiving himself or you whether you mention this book as a matter for your discretion if he temporizes and still thinks he can never drink again even beer he can ever drink again, even beer he might as well be discharged after the next bender which, if an alcoholic he is almost certain to have You should understand that emphatically. Either you are dealing with a man who can and will get well, or you are not. If not, why waste time with him? This may seem severe, but it is usually the best course. After satisfying yourself a man wants to recover, and that he will go to any extreme to do so, you may suggest a definite course of action. For most alcoholics who are drinking, or who adjust over a spree a certain amount of physical treatment is desirable, even imperative. The matter of physical treatment should, of course, be referred to your own doctor. Whatever the method, its object is to thoroughly clear mind and body of defects of alcohol. In competent hands, this seldom takes long, nor is it very expensive. your man will fare better if placed in such physical condition that he can think straight and no longer craves liquor. If you propose such a procedure to him, it may be necessary to advance the cost of treatment, but we believe it should be made plain that any expense will later be deducted from his pay. It is better for him to feel fully responsive. If your man accepts your offer, it should point out that physical treatment is but a small part of the picture. Though you are providing him with the best possible medical attention, he should understand that he must undergo a change of heart. To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude. We all have to place recovery above everything, for without recovery we would have lost both home and business. Can you have every confidence in his ability to recover? while on the subject of confidence can you adopt the attitude that so far as you are concerned this will be a strictly personal matter that his alcoholic derelictions, the treatment about to be undertaken, will never be discussed without his consent it might be well to have a long chat with him on his return in return to the subject matter of this book it contains full suggestions by which the employee has solved may solve this problem. To you, some of the ideas which are contained are novel. Perhaps you are not quite in sympathy with the approach we suggest. By no means do we offer it as a last word on the subject, but so far as we are concerned, it has worked with us. After all, are you not looking for results rather than methods? Whether your employee likes it or not, he will learn the grim truth about alcoholism. That won't hurt him a bit, even though he does not go for this remedy. We suggest you draw the book to the attention of the doctor who is to attend your patient during treatment. If the book is read, the moment the patient is able, while acutely depressed, realization of his condition may come to him. We hope the doctor will tell the patient the truth about his condition, whatever that happens to be. When the man is presented with this volume, it is best that no one tell him he must abide by its suggestions. The man must decide for himself. You are betting, of course, that your changed attitude plus the contents of this book will turn the trick. In some cases it will, and in others it may not. But we think that if you persevere, the percentage of successes will gratify you. As our work spreads and our numbers increase, we hope your employees may be put in personal contact with some of us. Meanwhile, we are sure a great deal can be accomplished by the use of the book alone. On your employee's return, talk to him. Ask him if he thinks he has the answer. If he feels free to discuss his problems with you, if he knows you understand and will not be upset by anything he wishes to say, he will probably be off to a fast start. In this disconnection, you can remain undisturbed if the man proceeds to tell you shocking things. He may, for example, reveal that he has padded his expense account or that he plans to take your best customers away from you. In fact, he may say almost anything if he has accepted our solutions which, as you know, demands rigorous honesty. Can you charge this off as you would a bad account and start fresh with him? If he owes you money, you may wish to make terms. If he speaks of his home situation, you can undoubtedly make helpful suggestions. He can talk frankly with you so long as he does not bear business tales or criticize his associates. With this kind of employee, such an attitude will command undying loyalty. The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear. Wherever men are gathered together in business, there will be rivalries and rising out of these a certain amount of office politics. Sometimes we alcoholics have an idea that people are trying to pull us down. Often this is not so at all, but sometimes our drinking will be used politically. One instance comes to mind in which a malicious individual was always making pretty little jokes about an alcoholic's drinking exploits. In this way he was slyly carrying tail. In another case, an alcoholic was sent to a hospital for treatment. Only a few knew of it at first, but within a short time it was billboarded throughout the entire company. Naturally, this sort of thing decreased the man's chances of recovery. The employer can make many times protect the victim from this kind of talk. The employer cannot play favorites, but he can always defend the man from needless provocation. provocation and unfair criticism. As a class, the alcoholics are energetic people. They work hard and they play hard. Your man should be on his mettle to make good. Being somewhat weakened and faced with physical and mental readjustment to a life which knows no alcohol, he may overdo. You may have to curb his desire to work 16 hours a day. You made to encourage him to play once in a while. He may wish to do a lot for other alcoholics, and something of the sort may come up during business hours. A reasonable amount of latitude would be helpful. This work is necessary to maintain his sobriety. After a man has gone along without drinking for a few months, he may be able to make use of his services with other employees who are giving you an alcoholic runaround, provided, of course, they're willing to have a third party in the picture. An alcoholic who has recovered but holds a relatively unimportant job can talk to a man with a better position. Being on a radically different basis of life, he will never take advantage of the situation. Your man may be trusted. Long experience with alcoholic excuses naturally arouses suspicion. When his wife next calls up saying he's sick, you might jump to the conclusion he's drunk. If he is and is still trying to recover, he will tell you about it even if it means the loss of his job for he knows he must be honest if he would live at all he will appreciate knowing you are not bothering your head about him that you are no suspicious nor are you trying to run his life so he will be shielded from the temptation to drink he is conscientiously following the program of recovery, he can go anywhere your business may call him in case he does stumble even once you will have to decide whether to let him go. If you are sure he doesn't mean business, there is no doubt you should discharge him. If on the contrary you're sure he's doing his utmost, you may wish to give him another chance. But you should feel under no obligation to keep him on. Excuse me. For your obligation has been well discharged already. There's another thing you may wish to do, if your organization is a large one, your junior executives might be provided with this book. You might let them know you have no quarrel with the alcoholics of your organization. These juniors are often in difficult positions and under them are frequently their friends. So for one reason or another they cover these men, hoping matters will take a turn for the better. They often jeopardize their own positions by trying to help serious drinkers who should have been fired long ago or else given an opportunity to get well. After reading this book, a junior executive can go to such a man and say appropriately this. Approximately this. Look here, Ed. Do you want to stop drinking or not? You put me on the spot every time you get drunk. It isn't fair to me or to the firm. I've been learning something about alcoholism. If you are an alcoholic, you are a mighty sick man. You act like one. The firm wants to help you get over it. And if you're interested, there is a way out. If you take it, your past will be forgotten and the fact that you went away for treatment will not be mentioned. But if you cannot or will not stop drinking, I think you ought to resign. Your junior executive may not agree with the contents of our book. He need not and often should not show it to his alcoholic prospect. but at least he will understand the problem and will no longer be misled by ordinary promises he will be able to take a position with such a man which is eminently fair and square you have no further reason for currying up an alcoholic employee it boils down to this no man should be fired just because he's an alcoholic if he wants to stop he should be afforded a real chance. If he cannot or does not want to stop, he should be discharged. The exceptions are few. We think this method of approach will accomplish several things. It will permit the rehabilitation of good men. At the same time, you will feel no reluctance to rid yourself of those who cannot or will not stop. Alcoholism may be causing your organization considerable damage in its wasted time, men and reputation. We hope our suggestions will help you plug this sometime seriously. We think we are sensible when we urge you to stop this waste and give your worthwhile man a chance. The other day an approach was made to the Vice President of a large industrial concern. He remarked, I'm mighty glad you fellows got over your drinking, but the policy of this company is not to interfere with the habits of our employees. If a man drinks so much that his job suffers, we fire I don't see how you can be of any help to us, for as you see, we don't have an alcoholic problem. The same company spends millions for research every year. The cost of production is figured to a fine decimal point. They have recreational facilities. There's a company insurance. There is real interest both humanitarian and business in the well-being of employees. But alcoholism? Well, they just don't believe they have it. Perhaps this is a typical attitude. We who have collectively seen a great deal of business life, at least from the alcoholic angle, had to smile at this gentleman's sincere opinion. He may be shocked if he knew how much alcoholism is costing his organization a year. That company may harbor many actual or potential alcoholics. We believe that managers of large enterprises often have little idea how prevalent this problem is, even if you feel your organization has no alcoholic problem. It may pay to take another look down the line. You may make some interesting discoveries. Of course, this chapter refers to alcoholics, sick people, deranged men. What our friend, the vice president, had in mind was the habitual or whoopee drinker. As to them, his policy is undoubtedly strong, sound, but he did not distinguish between such people and the alcoholic. It is not to be expected that an alcoholic employee will receive a disproportionate amount of time and attention. He should not be made a favorite. The right kind of man, the kind who recovers, will not want this sort of thing. He will not impose. Far from it, he will work like the devil and thank you to his dying day. today I own a little company there are two alcoholic employees who produce as much as five normal salesmen why not they have a new attitude and they have been saved from a living death I've enjoyed every moment spent in getting them straightened out okay that's pretty good I want to help out a little bit with a little history for you Mike certainly does a good job, doesn't he? He did a good job. The employee the employer here of a little company is called Honest Dealers and it's Hank Parker who wrote this chapter. It's the only thing in the book that's not written. He also wrote the outline for the book as the way it's set up doctor's opinion, bill story that sort of thing. The two people he's talking about is Bill Wilson and Jimmy Burwell. Jimmy Burrell is responsible for the third step, as it is today. He's an atheist. Lived in California and San Diego years ago. Married the first woman he ever 12-stepped, named Rosa. People say she could cuss like a sailor. Jimmy Burhell in the 12 to 12 is called Ed. so in your future studies you'll know who that guy is, Ed. This particular chapter as again you can see in here there are a lot of things you can take from this chapter and use as sponsorship tools. Do you see that as you read that and you can transfer that over? You can use this as sponsorship tool. The other thing that this chapter has some historical value about Now, he got sober in 11 of 35. He's one of Bill's first pigeons, they called them. And he died in January the 18th of 1954. We know he was 57 years old, and we know he died at a place called the Glenwood Sanitarium in Tritton, New Jersey, which indicates that probably he never got sober again. Bill had to get the stocks back from him from the works publishing company that he and Bill created and shared in, so that AA could own the stock finally and the book, could own a book basically as it is today. The guy would come by and he bought his furniture and there was a resentment, this is all that stuff that just lays around places, He liked Ruth Hawks, and Ruth Hawkes did not like him so much, and so she chose to move. He originally hired her to help him with his honest dealer of business. The company that he worked for was Standard Oil Company, so it makes it fit for you. So he knew how to buy wholesale from them, and that's what he was doing. And then he would sell them out to these other people who didn't make their profit by selling retail. he slept after four years and was in and out a little bit not much at one time he owned one third of your big books it's kind of an interesting thing the uh this chapter basically how many people in here have worked for companies that had an eap program employment assistance program. Thank you. And did you use that program in your getting sober? You betcha. Lots of people do today. This is the foundation of all EAP programs in the world today. It's quite a contribution from a man who did not make it. Try to remember with alcoholics, even though they fail, most of them do something that's pretty good while they're here. Ebby was an example of that. Ebby couldn't stay sober, but he brought the message to Bill. If there hadn't been an Ebby, there wouldn't have been a Bill. Okay, now yesterday someone kindly pointed out to me that I had forgotten to talk about this 10-step inventory. We talked about the 10-stepped out of the big book, but I didn't go to the 12th of 12th. So you should have a copy of this piece of paper in your folders. If not, I have it here for you and you can come and I have a lot of them. I need them. And you can you can Come and and pick one up up here right quick if you don't have one. So we'll take care of you right there. All right. He's got hers. He's Got his. All right, everybody ready? Let's open the 12 by 12. We just pick this up now and be done with it. Let's go to the 12 but 12 and look at page 88. and maybe if we have time and you're brave enough we'll have you get on the microphone and tell us what yours looks like let's drop down to the first paragraph we're not going to have to spend long here it says a continuous look at our assets and liabilities and a real desire I guess I'm on on it can you hear me out there and a real desire to learn and grow by this means are necessities for us we alcoholics have learned this the hard way more experienced people of course in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and criticism that was not the way I lived I was more about unsparying and lots of criticism of you for the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until search and searching becomes a regular habit I always say I'm a dumb guy you know I just never don't know me to do that until he is able to admit and accept what he finds admit and except two conditions what he find until he patiently and persistently to more conditions tries to correct what is wrong between him and God well a drunk has a tremendous hangover because he drank heavily yesterday he cannot live well today but there's another kind of hangover which he will experience whether he's drinking or not this is an emotional hangover the direct results of yesterdays and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion anger, fear, jealousy and the like keeps me blocked from God if we would live serenely today and tomorrow we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. That doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past. It requires an omission and corrections of errors now. Now he's going to start talking about different kinds of inventories. He's goingto talk about the original inventory that you found so painful to write and that we talked about. Our inventory enables us to settle with the past When this is done, we are really able to leave it behind us. It's a test. If I'm still bringing misery to the meeting about my past, there's something wrong with my inventory process and there's Something Wrong With My Spiritual Nature. I haven't been able to forgive people or something like that and there is something always coming up. When our inventory is carefully taken and we have made peace with ourselves, it's a promise called grace, the conviction follows that tomorrow's challenges can be met as they come, another promise. although all inventories are like in principle the time factor does distinguish one from another so inventory work is always about what is my relationship with God at this moment that's what it's about it's not about anything else it's just about where am I standing with God now I got this idea that God and I are pretty close you know we're buds and that isn't necessarily so when I write the inventory there's the spot check inventory taken any time of the day whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up that's the second kind of inventory it is mentioned in step 11 Mike talked about it get tangled up any time of the way any time I need to stop like I told you in the military we used to say when in trouble when in doubt run in circles scream and shout no we stop we just stop and we just take a few moments and we say God's will be done. How many people have used the serenity prayer that way? Just getting all messed up and all of a sudden it's like, God give me the serendipity to accept this dirty sucker, you know. There's one we take at day's end where we review the happenings of the hours just passed. This is the one we're looking at now. And he says, here we cast up a balance sheet crediting ourselves with things well done and chalking up debits for due. Then there are those occasions when the loaner and the company of our sponsor, Spiritual Advisory, make a careful review of our progress since the last time of this inventory. It's a good tool, I'll tell you. Many AAs go in for an annual or semi-annual house cleaning, speaking of a four-step. lots of A errors at practice doing step 4 twice a year once a year a lot of times I don't do that I stay pretty I stay pretty nifty most of the time in 10 but it doesn't hurt anything particularly in the early days I did because it took me a long time to get my mother's name down and my mother mother's name down mother's family so many of us age going for an annual seminar on your house cleaning. Many of us also like the experience of an occasional retreat from the outside world we can quiet down for an undisturbed day of self-overhaul and meditation. It is another kind of inventory. And so we have campouts and we have retreats and we have all kinds of things that we do. We also have a sex inventory and on occasions we have a lifetime inventory that's all mentioned in the book which are all about how do I stand with God at the time so we've got a few minutes before lunchtime and we'll show you how this list works Bill had already rewritten it and brought it to me and we made it work but it's a little harder fold your sheet of paper in half some of us still have egos and if you fold the sheet of paper in half sometimes when you encounter people who will try to tell you they don't believe in God or the higher power or the little short on that end of things you can take this list and show it to them and ask them, play a game with them and just say if there was a God which side of this list would most represent God to them? keep it folded in half don't look at both sides if you look at both sides you're going to hurt yourself you're gonna get drunk don't look at both sides okay so obviously is my God angry criticizing dishonest doubtful envy no that's not it so most of them will give you the asset side which is calm look for the good honest that's the kind of God my God is Thank you.