More About Alcoholism and the Cascade of Depression – Ben T.

About This Speaker Tape

Piedmont Hospital, an ice storm, and a childhood spent believing the world operated on self-propulsion. Ben T. lived by two rules: everyone must like him, and no one can know it. This facade held until college, where a "spiritual experience of the chemical variety" triggered a cascade of depression. Terrified by a family history of suicide, Ben spiraled into blackouts that felt like a part-time job. He woke up in a bed soiled with vomit at seventeen; years later, he woke up in an ambulance next to a man with a gunshot wound.

After a failed stint as a screenwriter in LA and a suicide attempt, he was shipped to a Boston psychiatric ward for the chronically ill. He felt destined to remain overmedicated and institutionalized. Only after totaling his car and hitting a wall of incomprehensible demoralization did he stop treating the Steps like a monster. By clearing the ground of his own wreckage, he found a Higher Power and a sense of belonging.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction by a friend; Ben T. provides his sobriety date and home group.
• 3:15 Ben T. discusses his high school 'rules' for social acceptance and his time on the debate team.
• 6:40 Laughter: Story about his first blackout at junior prom.
• 11:20 Ben T. opens up about family history of alcoholism, mental illness, and suicide.
• 15:45 The 'depravity' in Atlanta and the transition to a psychiatric hospital in Boston.
• 19:10 The low point: being placed in a ward with long-term schizophrenic patients.
• 23:50 Ben T. describes the 'miserable existence' of attending meetings without working the steps.
• 27:10 Mention of the Third Tradition and the turning point toward sobriety.
• 30:45 Detailed walkthrough of the 12 Steps, specifically the relief found in the Fourth and Fifth Steps.
• 34:20 Discussion on the importance of Steps 6 and 7 in lifelong recovery.
• 37:10 The role of Step 12 and the sense of belonging in the fellowship.
• 40:15 Closing reading from the Big Book regarding the fundamental idea of a Higher Power.