Mickey B. – The Invisible Line of Alcoholism – 2001

We are all eating and everything is calm in the stomach, so we are going to draw up a man who will come back to the stage. From California, Mickey Bush. Hi everybody, my name is Mickey Bush and I'm an alcoholic. I'm probably an addict too. Probably. I've been told that I have to talk slowly. Because you bloody foreigners don't understand. Well, I'm going to be speaking tonight about my story and sharing with you that. But today is... It's like a workshop. It's a workshop on the first three steps. What? Steps one, two and three. So, I'll be talking about the steps and about the program of recovery as outlined in the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. This beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. I love this book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And the steps as I try to... Teach the people that I work with. Steps one, two and three. Which are the basic foundation of the program. In the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. It starts off where it says, and I'll read it to you just so that you don't think I'm making it up or giving an opinion. Because I don't give opinions. I know it's popular for people to say. Everything you hear from me is strictly my own opinion. Or I'm just talking for me. No. I don't just talk for me. This is a we program. Not a me program. And so I don't talk just for me. And if you look at the word me. M E Dig it? M E Me If you then flip it over. It becomes. We. You dig that? This is a we program we got here. So I'm not going to have the balls to stand up here and tell you my opinion. I wouldn't do that. Why would I do that? This is my experience, strength and hope. There's nothing in the beautiful book about opinion strength and hope. M. E. it's experience, strength and hope. And not only that, but especially this weekend here, we've seen it so much, controversial stuff. When people like me stand up at areas like this and claim that everything you hear from me is strictly my own opinion, it's very dangerous. Because a newcomer, here's an old fart like me, say that I'm giving you my opinion, and then the newcomer thinks his opinion counts too. And it don't. Don't. You know, in our beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says here, half measures availed us nothing. Half measures didn't avail us half or a little. Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with compliance. Complete abandon. Abandon of self. Here are the steps we took, comma, which are suggested as a program of recovery. It's as a program of recovery that's being suggested. They did, took, worked, whatever you like about the steps, but they got them in their life. It says, if you're, you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it? Well, what is it that we have? What is it that we have that we suggest you, if you're new, goes to any lengths to get? That's what it says. That's what it's about. That's what you're doing here. That's why I'm here. Stay sober. Carry the message. Stay sober. Carry the message. That's what the primary purpose is. So that's why I'm here. Hopefully that's why you're here. So, what is it that we've got that we suggest you go to any lengths to get? Must be something, mustn't it? What is it? Well, here it is, and it's very precious. And if you're wondering about all this stuff that we've been hearing about, the steps, and since the steps, and the steps, and the steps, and the steps, we just had a little meeting at lunchtime, very precious little meeting, where we talked about this. What is it that we've got? Like us people, that it's no longer a theory, it's a way of life. Us who have worked the steps, us that have got this program in our life, us that do this thing on a daily basis, us that live this way. What is it that we have? Like the book says, you can join us on the broad highway. Well, what is it? What is it we've got? Well, no, it's not power. See, look, on the twelfth step, it says having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. That's what we've got, that you ain't got. See, us that have worked the steps, have a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. Now, I see people that have had awakenings, have miracles in their life, have breakthroughs, but they haven't done the steps, or ain't doing the steps. Well, I'm glad they got what they got, but it ain't what we got. Because what we got, is as a result of the steps. So if you want what we got, do the bloody steps. Because that's where we got it. So I don't care about those people who don't want to work the steps, or don't agree with working the steps, or if they haven't got the steps in their life, I don't care what they want, I want what you got. That's what I did when I came here. I'm glad that I learnt two things when I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the things I learnt was that you never wanted a bloody thing I had, and I wanted and needed everything you had. And the second thing was that I wasn't the same as you. I wasn't the same as you. I wasn't equal to you. How could I be equal? To you? You didn't want nothing I had, and I wanted everything you had. How could I be equal to you? If I was equal to you, what I had would have been equal to yours. And I was dying, and you were living in the sunlight of the Spirit. I mean, I wasn't equal to you. Maybe in God's eyes we were all equal. Maybe spiritually we were all equal. And so I tell the troops in my house, I tell the guys in my house, if you think that, if you think, well, in God's eyes we're all equal, well, on the way home today, if you're walking home, and you see a bush, and it's burning, and it's talking to you, then stand there and listen to it. But if that don't happen, listen to Mickey Bush, and I'll tell you what this says. See? The other thing I learned when I got here was that I couldn't stay clean and sober just because I wanted to. I couldn't not drink because I didn't want to do it anymore. I couldn't cease and stop drinking and drugging because I wanted to. I had to not want to do it, and then do these steps and this work so that I didn't do what I already didn't want to do. I couldn't just not do it. I had to do these steps and this work so that I didn't do it. If I could have just said no, we'd have a different ball game going here, wouldn't we? Just say no, I don't even know where that comes from. Just say no. I will drink and drug no matter what. No, I won't. Just say no to a full-blown alcoholic like me. Just say no. It's like telling that homeless dude out there on the street, hey, homeless dude, just get a house. Just get a house. If I could get a house, I wouldn't be homeless. Yeah, and if I could just say no, I wouldn't be a drunk, neither. So I couldn't just say no. I couldn't not do this just because I didn't want to, you know. I didn't want to, and yet I did. Did any of you do that? Over and over and over. I didn't want to do that. I'd say, no, I ain't doing that no more. I ain't going to do that no more. And I would wake up drunk or come out of a blackout. Oh, I ain't going to drink no more. And I'd come out of a blackout and I'd done drugs and I'd been done cocaine. I'd say, I ain't even going to touch that cocaine again. I don't even like cocaine. I ain't even a cocaine dude, man. I ain't never going to do that again. I'll just finish this last half. And then 28 last halves later. So I had an illness. I had something wrong with me. Like the book says. Like when Bill and Bob are doing the third man on the bed and they say, you are an alcoholic. It's in the book, folks. I'm not making this up. You know, we say, you can't tell anybody they're alcoholic. I don't know where that comes from. I mean, in the book, it don't say we don't tell folk they're alcoholic. It says we'd rather not or we prefer not to. A totally different thing. See? I needed you because I couldn't self-diagnose this disease. I know people say that. I call it lip-flapping party line bullshit. How could I self-diagnose a disease that I'm powerless over and tells me, I ain't got it? How could I do that? I couldn't do that. What, am I going to stand there and argue with it? I'm an alcoholic. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. No, you're not. Oh, yes, I am. How could I self-diagnose a disease that I'm powerless over and tells me I ain't got it? I couldn't do that. I needed you to help me do that. I needed you to tell me. That's what happens when one alcoholic comes together with another alcoholic for the purpose of recovery. That's the magic that we have in rooms like this all over the world. All over the world, there's alcoholics doing what we're doing here. Coming together for the purpose of recovery, which is the third factor. When one alcoholic comes together with another alcoholic for the purpose of recovery. And that's why if you think that hanging out with alcoholics or just coming to meetings is going to be enough for you, you're nuts. If you think coming into a meeting and putting your butt in a chair that you're going to get this thing through osmosis, it ain't going to happen. You think you're going to put your butt in a chair and it's going to come up through the hole in your ass, you're nuts. It ain't going to happen. See, hanging out with alcoholics ain't what happens. If that was what was all there was to it, we could go down any skid row in any town in any country in the world and hang out with drunks. Drunks have always hung out together. There ain't no big deal about that. But what we got is for the purpose of recovery. That's what we got that those folk out there haven't got. And that those folk out there don't understand. That's why we come and the magic of one alcoholic relating to another alcoholic for the purpose of recovery is what we have that they don't have out there. And you know what? They don't understand. Those folk out there, they don't understand. Good, well-meaning people don't understand. My own mum don't understand. My own mum loves me dearly. She lives in North West London. I go on to see her at least once a year. I've been four times this year in London. I live in the United States, Los Angeles. But I go on to see my mum. I walk in my mum's house, knock on my mum's door. Mum, I'm 18 years sober. She says, so is the cat. She don't give a crap. She certainly don't give me a pat on the back for not doing something I shouldn't have done anyway. Because she don't understand. She don't laugh like you guys do. You know? So we come here to do what we know. And what our beautiful book says, is that if you be alcoholic of our kind, alcoholics of our kind. Now, you may find other alcoholics. You may even be an alcoholic of another kind. I don't mind. I have no truck with anybody's preference or what they is. But I know I'm an alcoholic of our kind. Of the kind described in this beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. I am an enemy of the disease. I'm an alcoholic of our kind. Just described in this beautiful book. That's what I am. Now, if you is an alcoholic of our kind, great. Welcome. If you're not an alcoholic of our kind, hey, have a party. I don't care. Doesn't make any difference to me. If you got something, teach me. Show me. Tell me. Let me learn from you. I'll give you what we got. Share with me what you got. If it's as equal, I'll take it from you too. If it ain't, have a party. You know? I'm just glad to be here doing what I'm doing. Not dying, not dead. You know, living a way of life that you guys have taught me how to do. And so I'm an alcoholic of our kind that want what we have, which is this. So I want this. So I don't mind if there's other people that want other things. I really don't mind. I have no truck with anybody's preference along those lines. I really don't. But I want what we have. And what we have here, when we talk to people, when we work with new folk, if you want what we have, well, what do we have? We have a way of living, a way out that we can absolutely agree upon. The book says so. We have a way out that we can absolutely agree upon. And the book even says, with this attitude, you cannot fail. That's pretty good like guarantee, don't you think? You would buy an appliance or a car or something that was absolutely guaranteed. With this, you cannot fail. Wouldn't you do that? Well, that's what I want too. That's what I got here too. So, what is it? When a newcomer comes and says like, well, what should I do? If you're honest, we say, we set out on a rigorous course of action and we work these steps. Well, that's what we got. We got a program. Now, I'm going to break it down, but I'm going to ask you to play Stump the Drunk with me. Let's play Stump the Drunk. You know, this is a workshop. So, if you have a question, raise your hand or come to the microphone and ask the question. It's a workshop. That's the benefits of a workshop as opposed to a meeting. It's a workshop where you can ask things that may be troubling you. Okay? So, raise your hand or come here. We'll have a little break. Are we going to do about an hour and a half? Something like that? We'll have a little break. I don't know what time we started, but we'll have a little break here. And I got what time is it now? 1.30? So, alright. What time did we start? 10 minutes? Alright. So, we'll have a little maybe not, maybe not. Anyway, I'll see. But play Stump the Drunk with me. Try and stretch me. Try and give me something back. Because I got to get something out of this too. You can't just suck off me and leech off me. You got to let me get something too. So, we got to stretch me and help me. So, play Stump the Drunk with me. You know, and if you got a problem, I'll do my best to answer it. And if I don't know the answer, I'll lie and tell you that I do. But anyway. So, now, first three steps. Let's get straight to the point. Because there's a lot of work to do if you're an alcoholic like me, before you even get to the steps. There's a whole mass of work to do before you even get to step one. In fact, on page 20 of the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, if you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking, what do I have to do? Well, if we're honest, we'll tell you what you have to do is work the steps, starting with step one. So, admitting I'm alcoholic is not step one. People think it is, but it's not. Admitting I'm alcoholic is not the first step. You'll hear people say that, but it's not. We hear people say you do the first step as soon as you walk through the door and raise your hand as an alcoholic. Don't believe that. That is not true. That is not true. In fact, nowhere in the first step does it say we admitted we were alcoholic. So, on page 20, it says, if you are an alcoholic, you have to come from a space of being an alcoholic to then ask, what do I have to do? So, admitting I'm alcoholic is not the first step. Now, on page 30 of the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. It's the first step in recovery, but it's not the first of the twelve. It goes on to say the delusion that we are like other people, or presently maybe, has to be smashed. So, we had to do it and it has to be done. There is nothing suggestive there, my friends. All this crap about a suggested only program. In fact, that's some more lip-flapping party line bullshit because nowhere in the program Alcoholics Anonymous is it only suggested that we do these steps. Nowhere. Check it out. I hope those people cracking that gum, you know, I guess will have to parent you or something. Surely your parents didn't allow you to do that, did they? Poor little orphan people cracking gum in front of people, yeah. Good manners, you know. Anyway, anyway, well, it's just respect for the program. Would you do that in front of, like, your employer or the court judge or something? Sit there cracking gum in front of people? Anyway, where was I? What was I saying? So, we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. Now, there is a total difference and it says we learn we had to fully concede to my innermost self that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. Well, if it's the first step in recovery, I want to know what it is. What is it? I ask folk, they don't know. And if it's the first step in recovery, we learn we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. There is nothing suggestive there. We had to do it. So, what is it? What is it? What is it about me that makes me alcoholic? I hear people say they're alcoholic. I say, what is it about you that makes you alcoholic? You know what? They don't know. They can say they is one. They can say what they do because they're one. They can talk about the alcoholic addictive behaviour, but they don't know what it is about them that makes them alcoholic. Well, that's a crying shame. How can I fully concede to my innermost self that I am if I don't even know what it is about me that makes me what I am? And you know what? There's not enough people like me telling enough people like you what the real deal is all about. And to fully concede is totally different to admit, accept and surrender. People talk about admittance, acceptance and surrender as if it's the deal, but it ain't the deal folks. Admittance, acceptance and surrender isn't the deal. It sounds like the deal. People talk about it as if it's the deal, but it's not the deal. Admittance, acceptance and surrender is not the deal. Fully concede to your innermost self that you are is the deal and then admit, accept and surrender to that. But if you're trying to admit, accept and surrender without having fully conceded to your innermost self that you are, you're screwed and it won't work. What's the difference? People don't know. Well, let's go over it shall we? In the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous on the very first page, page one, which is Bill's story. It starts off War fever ran high in the New England town to which us new young officers from Plattsburgh were assigned. It goes on to say, I arrived in England, I visited Winchester Cathedral and it goes on to say at the bottom of the page is a veteran of foreign wars, I returned at last. 22 and a veteran of foreign wars, I returned at last. Bill is talking about the First World War. The World War, the First World War, 1914 18 World War where Kaiser Wilhelm was going to take over the world and he was rampaging through Europe and other places and he was going to take over the world. Well, guess what? He upset them big bad boys in the US of A and the big bad boys from the US of A came over to Europe, you may remember those Yankee Doodle Dandy and over here and the Americans came over to Europe and kicked the German army's ass. Beat the living tar out of them. And that German army were defeated. That German army were defeated, they admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered to the American advanced forces. Saved our bacon, we're glad you did. Well, guess what? I was born in the Second World War. 1943. The Blitz was on in London. You may see this on your TVs or read about it, Second World War. The Blitz was on, 1943. Hitler was bombing, the Luftwaffe was bombing the crap out of London and the Blitz was on there. And guess what? They upset the big old bad boys from the US of A again. And Hitler was going to have a thousand years of Third Reich, wasn't he? He was going to take over the world. But them boys in the US of A weren't going to have that. They bombed Pearl Harbour. That was too bad for them, wasn't it? They came over and kicked Hitler's ass, didn't they? Saved our bacon again, didn't they? And you know what? They defeated that German army. And that German army were defeated and they admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered. But guess what? That wasn't the first time they did that. In the First World War when they were beaten and they were defeated and that advanced forces of the American army defeated the German army they were beaten then. They were defeated then. They were defeated they admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered. But did they fully concede? No. They admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered. But they didn't fully concede. So guess what? They came back in 1938 and did it all again. And when little shitpot Hitler said let's go storming into Poland, they said whoop-de-doo yeah and then we'll go into Czechoslovakia. Nobody said wait a minute! Don't do that! If we do that then big bad boys from the US of A will come over here and kick the living tar out of us. Don't do that! We did that. We did that before and it didn't work. So they did it. And what happened? They got the living tar kicked out of them didn't they? Sound familiar to what happens here? Do we admit, accept and surrender but fail to fully concede to our innermost self? Because I don't know what that is and nobody's teaching me. And so I do it but then I relapse and come back and do it again. And again and again and again. Sound familiar? And then I become a keep coming backer. Instead of a sticker and a stayer I literally become a keep coming backer. And I come here, I get sober I relapse, I go back out and I come back. I get sober I relapse and come back. I get sober, I relapse and come back. And so I'm in a vicious circle going round and round. And the disease has got me set up in a pattern of repetition so that I can't break the cycle and I'm doomed. If that's what you want, have a party. That ain't what works. So, what am I going to do? Fully concede to my innermost self? I've got to learn how to do this. I don't already know it. So what is the first step? Well, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. Hmm. What is that? What does that mean? I don't know what that means. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. Wow. Well, if I'm an alcoholic, I'm powerless over alcohol. But what does it mean? What is it about me that makes me alcoholic? Well, people say I can't control my drinking. Well, that's true. If you're alcoholic, you can't control your drinking. Well, once I start, I can't stop. Well, that's true. Alcoholics who start drinking can't stop. We've got a phenomenon of craving. We'll talk about that later. Well, one's too many and a thousand ain't enough. Well, we know that about it. That's knowledge and information. But what is it about me that makes me alcoholic? Do I know? Has anybody ever taught me? Have I ever asked? What is it about me that makes me alcoholic? Not what do I do because I'm alcoholic. In one of my houses, I've got two barry... budgerigars or parakeets. Parakeets. A blue one and a green one. We call them Bill and Bob. That's after alcohol found them. Bill and Bob. And I've trained them to speak. These parakeets speak in a limey accent, by the way. They speak. And you can stand by the cage and they'll go, I'm an alcoholic! I'm an addict! I'm an alcoholic! I'm an addict! They're bloody parakeets is what they are. But they can say they're alcoholic. Are you a parakeet? Walking around saying you're alcoholic and don't even know what it is? Well, maybe. But I've got to learn. I've got to know what it is. Well, we know about alcoholism. Carl talked a very good talk today about it. See, we have a disease called alcoholism. It's a two-fold disease. An obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. But if I'm an alcoholic and I've got a disease called alcoholism, a two-fold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body, I'm an alcoholic. But what is it about me that makes me the alcoholic? Well, here it is. It's a simple thing. It's as simple as this. If this occurs for you, you're alcoholic. If it don't occur for you, you ain't. And if you ain't alcoholic, you can't make yourself an alcoholic. And if you is alcoholic, you can't this make you. You can't stop that. See, look. Alcohol changes my perception of reality. And I'm not saying that I'm not. Alcohol changes my perception of reality. That is an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Alcoholics like me, my natural state is to be whacked out of my tree causing somebody some grief. That is completely normal and natural for me. When I'm not drunk causing trouble, I am in an abnormal condition for me. See? Alcohol creates an abnormal reaction in me. I react abnormally to alcohol. My three sisters and brother don't. I do. See, look. When I drink alcohol, it changes my perception of reality. I call it a nerd remover. Do you know what a nerd is up here in Iceland? I call it a nerd remover. It removes the nerdness. I feel like a nerd. I drink. I don't feel like a nerd. I feel like a nerd. I drink. And I don't care if I'm a nerd. I feel like a nerd. And I drink. And you're a bloody nerd. Screw you. It changes my perception of reality. It changes how I think about myself. How I react. When I drink alcohol, like Karl referred to the doctor's opinion this morning, I like the effect produced by alcohol. It changes my perception of reality. We got a girl in my home group, Mary. She's a delicate little dude. Dudette. And, uh... And she's just always been taken advantage of and what have you. But she's a real alcoholic. She describes it as well as I've ever heard anybody describe alcohol. She says that when she drinks, she feels wittier, prettier and tiddier. She don't feel like a little delicate dudeette. Boom! She's a star, man. And I know exactly what she means. You know? Like when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and they told me, you're an alcoholic. I went, what do you mean? They said, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck and smells like a duck, it's a bloody duck. Just because he's been taking some shit and thinks he's an eagle, no, you're a duck. You're a duck, I'm a duck. Quack, quack, he said. But you know, I didn't fully understand, but I knew what he meant. Because alcohol did that. When I felt like a duck, I drank, and boom! Became an eagle and went swooping around, looking for prey. That's what alcohol done for me. Because I couldn't stand who I was. And I didn't know this was going on. I didn't know that this was going on. All the years I was drinking, I didn't know this. It wasn't something I was conscious about. I know you guys seem to know, because I hear you guys sharing about it at meetings. I hear you guys telling us why you drank. I hear you guys saying why you drank. You seem to know. You seem to know. You seem to know. You seem to know. I never knew. I never knew why I drank. I never had a clue why I drank. We always drank. We drank if the team won. We drank if the team lost. And if it was a tie, we drank till there was a result. I don't know why we did that. We just always did. But you guys know why you did it. Because I hear you share. I hear you say, well, I drank because I couldn't stand the pain. I drank because I was covering up my feelings. I drank because I was hiding behind who I was. And I drank because I was hiding behind who I was. And I think at what stage of the game did you discover that? I can't even imagine that. I can't imagine going into a pub and saying, oh, bartender, hit me with a triple shot of your best booze, because I can't stand who I am and I want to cover up the pain tonight. You know? It never happened. Oh, Mr. Dealer Man, can I have an extra rock? Because I really feel inadequate. Never happened. I didn't know this, but that was what was happening. And do you know what? That's what made me alcoholic. So now I know what it is about me that makes me alcoholic. I have an abnormal reaction. It changes my perception of reality. I like the effect produced by alcohol. Well, that's what it does for me. But it can't do that for me unless it's doing something to me. And what it's doing to me is taking me up to and over what we call an invisible line. And when we cross over the invisible line, now the rules change. See, prior to crossing over the invisible line, I'm drinking like the doctor says because I like the effect produced by alcohol. I'm drinking because I'm obsessed about it, I like it, I do it, and so I keep on doing it. But guess what? Alcohol, I like the effect produced by alcohol, but then, it seems to stop working. Why? Because I've gone up to and over what we call the invisible line. Now you can't go over the invisible line unless you're alcoholic. And unless you're alcoholic, you can't go over the invisible line. Now that's weird, isn't it? You don't go over the invisible line unless you're alcoholic, and you can't go over the invisible line unless you're alcoholic. Now, that's weird, huh? But it's also true. Now when I go over the invisible line, Now it's allということ, Now, the rules have changed. Now, when I cross over the invisible line into twofold, A, prior to crossing over the invisible line, I'm drinking because I like the effect reduced in that I'm obsessed by doing it. Once I cross over the invisible line, now I've got what we call a phenomenon of craving, an allergic reaction. I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I have now crossed over the invisible line into alcoholism, so that it's now twofold. I've got an obsession of the mind and a phenomenon of craving. What is a phenomenon of craving? A phenomenon of craving. Craving is a feeling beyond my mental control. That's the definition of a phenomenon of craving. I've got an obsession of the mind to do it, and once I do it, I can't stop doing it because of the phenomenon of craving. An obsession is a thought to the exclusion of all else, including recovery, which is a totally different obsession, too, from normal obsessive things like relationships and other things. The obsession for the alcoholic, where alcohol is concerned, is to the exclusion of all else, including his safety, his liberty, his children, whatever else is in his life. When the obsession strikes him, when he gets sucked in by the obsession, the obsession takes away his ability to say no, so that then he has to say yes, so that when he does say yes, he thinks he chose to or wanted to, and he doesn't. See? Now that's something of the stuff that we've got to learn to understand. I've got an obsession of the mind to do it, and once I do it, the phenomenon of craving won't allow me to not do it. So the obsession sucks me in, takes away my ability to say no, so that then I have to drink. Once I drink, the phenomenon of craving kicks in, so that I have to continue to drink. So I've got a body that mustn't do it, and a mind that won't let me not do it. Can you dig that? So I can't stop from doing it, and once I'm doing it, I can't stop doing it. Does anybody remember this? Yeah, no shit. Two-fold disease. Okay, so what am I going to do? What am I going to do? It's stopped working. What do you mean it's stopped working? I still get drunk, I shoot up dope, and I still nod off or whatever. It's still working. That's not what we're talking about. We're not talking about the effect the alcohol and drug has on you. We're talking, we're talking about how it works for the alcoholic, the abnormal reaction. We like the abnormal reaction, because it takes me, it changes my perception of reality. When I feel like a duck, I drink and turn into an eagle. Okay, you're noted. Hold on. When I turn into an eagle, all of a sudden, I've liked that, and so now the alcohol is no longer working for me. Now I'm drinking, and I'm staying a duck. Now I'm getting drunk, and falling in the gutter, and getting sores, and ending up in detox, and I'm not becoming an eagle anymore. And I can't stop doing it. That's what we mean by stopping doing it, because now I've become alcoholic, and now I'm not drinking because I like the effect produced by it. I'm drinking to satisfy a craving beyond my mental control. The rules have changed. Oh my God. You're looking very blank. Is this new to you? Yes, question. Yeah. It's directly related to this. You said what makes you alcoholic, alcoholic of the kind the book talks about, you go, you say, it changes the perception of reality, the duck and the eagle. Right. Then you talk about crossing the visible line, which would then be what you said, the duck stays a duck. Right. All right. Well, if you've never developed to the stage, to that stage where the duck is a duck, where there's this terrible, terrible feeling that it doesn't work, are you then an alcoholic? No. What happens, look, the alcoholic is the one, as I said, I tried to explain to you, you can't become alcoholic if you're not alcoholic, and if you ain't alcoholic, you can't become alcoholic. It's a really strange type of double indemnity there, because normal people can stop, given sufficient reasons, they can stop before they go over the invisible line. People who don't go over the invisible line don't become alcoholic, because it's twofold. That's why you can't be born an alcoholic. I know people say you can, and the genes and all that stuff, but you can't. See, look, alcoholism's caused by drinking alcohol. So if you were born an alcoholic, where did you do your drinking? Now, let's say your mother, like we have crack babies and aged babies and alcoholic babies, let's say the baby is born as a reflect of the mother. That's a physical allergy, but it's not coupled with the mental obsession. They've never done it, so it's still only solo, and it has to be dual. It has to be a twofold disease. It's not solo. It has to be two. Carl talked today about strawberries. I got a friend of mine who's allergic to abalone. You know what abalone is? It's a seafood, a shellfish. It's like abalone, right? When he eats abalone, he's allergic to it. He breaks out. He gets a rash. Now, every once in a great while, he eats abalone. It's catch of the day or done in garlic or something, and he eats it, and he feels weird, and he goes, damn, I knew that was going to happen. What a dick. God. But he don't have to go to abalone anonymous, because although he's got an allergic reaction to abalone, it's not, it's not coupled with an mental obsession to eat buckets and buckets of abalone. See, it's not twofold. It's only solo. So when you say, if you don't go over and pass the invisible line, many people don't. Many people don't go over the invisible line. They stop before end. The book talks about the moderate drinker or the heavy drinker, and then we have the real alcoholic, the person who wants to stop but can't. Do you remember this about the book? Yeah. And that's what makes me alcoholic. Once I can't stop doing it, like on chapter 4, page 44, it says, if when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you can't control the amount you consume, you are probably suffering from a disease that only spiritual experience will conquer. See? Alcoholism. So now I've got alcoholism. So what do I have to do about it? What I've got to do about it is work the steps to induce an entire psychic change. See, look, it's not okay to just stay clean and sober. That's the base bottom line of this whole deal. But for an alcoholic who just gets sober, I tell you what, he's going to be in a lot of pain because alcoholism doesn't stop progressing because we stop drinking. See, people who just stop drinking and don't work the steps in the program become dry. D-R-Y. Doing. Recovery yourself. Dry. See? Alcoholics that just stop drinking are in a very dangerous mode. Sober people drink again. People living in sobriety don't. That's why, see, alcoholics must have one of two things. We must have. It's not open to debate. It's not open to a discussion. It's not my opinion, your opinion, what you think, what I think. No. Alcoholics, you can go anywhere and check what I'm about to tell you. Alcoholics must have one of two things. We must have alcohol or program. We have to have one of those two things because it's the only two things that treat the disease of alcoholism. And I've got a disease. I've got an illness. I've got something wrong with me. I've got something that needs treating. I've got something that I've got to recover from. I can't just stop doing it. If you break your leg, you don't say, well, I just won't walk on it. You know, and I've got a broke brain. So I can't just say I just won't use it. I can't just say I'm going to stop doing it because we've got a progressive disease. The disease doesn't stop progressing because we stop drinking. We've got to stop drinking and then replace the alcohol and drugs with the alcohol. With something else that works. And the only thing that we found that works for the majority of alcoholics of our kind is the 12-step spiritual program of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what works for the majority over the long haul. Now, we know there's exceptions to the rule, but we're not talking about the exceptions to the rule. We're talking about our common welfare and what works for the majority of us over the long haul. And that's the 12-step spiritual program. The 12-step spiritual program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because we have to find something to replace that what alcohol did for me. Bear in mind, going back, we like the effect produced by alcohol. Why do we like the effect produced by alcohol? Because of all that turmoil and inside stuff that we couldn't stand, when we drank, we didn't feel it. Now, all of a sudden, alcohol isn't cleaning that up for me. So I stopped doing the alcoholics. I stopped drinking alcohol. Well, guess what? All that stuff starts coming back up. And now I've got nothing to push it back down with, like the alcohol and drugs. And that stuff comes up, all that turmoil and stuff. And it comes up and up and up. Well, before I used to drink and drug and posh it down and down and down. But now it's coming up and up and up and I ain't got no alcohol to push it down. And it comes up and up and up and it gets me and it screws me like that. And I've got nothing to push it down with. Because I'm not drinking. That's why we need the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. To replace for us what alcohol and drug does. You know? And if I don't do the program, well then I won't get anything to satisfy that and it will drive me insane to such a degree that I will drink again because the pain of the familiar will become preferable to the pain of the unknown. Because I can't stand being sober! Just a fact. Doesn't matter whether you like it or not. No one cares whether you like it. No one cares. No one cares whether you think it's fair. No one cares whether you like it. In Russia, anybody speak Russian? In Russia they call it Tafsky Shitsky. No one cares. No one cares how you feel. We don't care how you feel compared to what you do. Compared to what you do. Compared to what you do. No one cares how you feel. We care about what you do, not how you feel about doing it. We care about what you do, not how you feel about doing it. We got to act better than we feel. If you're alcoholic. Now what is that? What are we going to do next then? Step one. Let's go to step one. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. Our lives had become unmanageable. Step one. I never knew what that meant. I asked you guys, what does it mean to be powerless? Guess what folks? You don't know. I asked a lot today. Didn't know. Thought you knew. Said you knew. Felt you knew. Didn't know. Because I asked you. Give it to me. Give me, explain it to me. What does it mean to be powerless? Well I can't control my drinking. Uh-uh. It don't mean control. If it was about control, we would have written control. You see control anywhere in the first step? Uh-uh. What does it mean? I am powerless. I am powerless over alcohol. Alcohol. Not people, places and things. Not everything that you want to throw in the melting pot. I am powerless over alcohol. Now if I tell you I am powerless over alcohol, I have to also admit and recognize that I am powerless over it, but it's not powerless over me. I am powerless over it, but it's not powerless over me. I can't beat alcohol, but it's not powerless over me. I can't beat alcohol, but alcohol can and does beat me. I can't resist its demands and it can make me do what I already don't want to do. Drink it. See? So I got to recognize that I am in a place where now I don't want to do it and I can't not do it. Why? Because I am powerless. Well holy shit, what does that mean? Well, think about it. We have a spiritual malady. We have a spiritual malady. We have a spiritual malady which most people think is part of the disease, but it's not. Having a spiritual malady is not part of this disease. It's a result of this disease. A spiritual malady is a result of having a disease called alcoholism. It's a spiritual solution. Having a spiritual malady is not part of the disease. It's a result of having the disease, it's a spiritual solution not a spiritual problem as a result of having this disease along the path of life the disease we got has gotten me to abandon God and spirituality so that I end up with none powerless whoa what does that mean in the beautiful book on page 55 it says deep down in every man woman and child is a fundamental basic understanding of a power great themselves call it whatever you like we don't care what you call it we have no truck with anybody's preference along these lines you can call it God Jesus Buddha Allah Muhammad or whatever you like it doesn't matter call it bloody Mishiganovich if you like doesn't matter to us see whatever your preference is we have no truck with anybody's preference along these lines in fact in the first two steps there's no mention of God Jesus Buddha Allah Muhammad no mention of higher power in the first two steps we have all this confusion about the God stuff and all the religion stuff and all that there's no need for it it's not even mentioned in the first two steps but powerless well what does that mean well think about it I'm powerless over alcohol so right there I'm describing the fact that there's a power greater than me alcohol I'm powerless over alcohol but alcohol isn't powerless over me it makes me do what I don't want to do when I absolutely don't want to do it it makes me do it anyway powerless well what is the source and what is the power over everything anybody God God works for you good I don't have no problem calling it God I like the word God God G-O-D group of drunks God G-O-D group of drug addicts God G-O-D go on dreaming good orderly direction good old dude you know I don't mind whatever you want to call it it doesn't make any difference to me get out devil was the first one I had but anyway so what is the source what is the power over everything God so if God is the source and God is the power over everything and I'm powerless over alcohol it must mean that I got no God in my life when it comes to alcohol can't have can I I can't say I'm powerless over alcohol and I've got a God to turn it over to that's why you can't turn it over and let go and let God like my shirt says you can't in the beginning because I've got no God to do that to or with see I'm powerless I can't say I'm powerless and I got a God because if God is the source and God is the power then I'm not powerless and if I've got God in my life then I'm not powerless and if I am powerless well it means I've got no God in my life I can't have it both ways I want it both ways but I can't have it both ways it's like saying that I'm powerless over it and I'm responsible for it you can't be responsible for something that you're powerless over you can't take blame for it and be powerless over it see it just doesn't work that way so I'm powerless over it because it makes me do shit that I don't want to do powerless it means that I've got no God in my life when it comes to alcohol when I've got no God in my life when it comes to alcohol see and I can't have it because look I'm an alcoholic for me to drink is bad I'm a child of God and for me to drink is bad so God can't be involved in that because God's all good there's no bad in God God's all good God and bad don't coexist and me to drink is bad so I can't say it's God's will for me because you know it's bad and so I can't claim that that's God's will because God's not involved in something that's bad powerless I have no power and God is the source and God is the power over my life well guess what I'm powerless over alcohol because the disease I got along the path of life since I was raised in a religion I wasn't always powerless I had a God and an understanding but the disease I got got me to abandon God and spirituality and ignore it so that I ended up with none powerless well guess what if I'm powerless the solution power I've got to get some power well guess what no mention in the program Alcoholics Anonymous of Hitting Bottom and you know what that's one of the main reasons that 95% of us are not making it because we don't truly understand what hitting bottom is as we think we do see hitting bottom is the process necessary to bring the power into my life as far as alcohol is concerned and it's not mentioned in the program Alcoholics Anonymous check it out I spoke to some people this morning with long long time sobriety and they didn't even realize that hitting bottom wasn't mentioned in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous strange that isn't it now if we're not if hitting bottom is the process that brings the power in and I don't even know what it is no wonder 95% of us are not making it now when I talk about hitting bottom most folk have no idea what that is they think they do but they actually don't I ask folk what is your bottom describe it give me your bottom you'd be amazed at what you guys tell me some of the things you guys tell me about your bottom you say things like while I was you know feet to the curb huffing and hustling the broadway trying to earn a dollar I was broke busted disgusted and not to be trusted I was locked up in a penitentiary married to Bubba nothing to do with hitting bottom I was in a detox I've been thrown out of my house I had no money the kids would took off of me I was separated nothing to do with hitting bottom we think it is but it ain't see all that stuff is outside circumstances and conditions not hitting bottom see we say things collectively in a group everybody's bottoms different it better not be different everybody's bottom better be the same but we don't realize that so we say jive our shit see look your bottom better have been the same as mine and mine better been the same as yours and yours better been the same as theirs and there's better been the same as ours if we understand what hitting bottom is if we don't we talk about the outside circumstances and conditions now they may be different for everybody but hitting bottom better be the same if you're alcoholic see because look those outside circumstances and conditions sometimes enable us to become capable of hitting bottom but in and of themselves they are not the bottom no matter how far down you went and no matter how much pain you were in and no matter how much devastation you went through hitting bottom is an inside job not an outside circumstance and most people think that it's the the trials and tribulations and the pain we go through and it's not see look sometimes those outside circumstances and conditions enable us to become capable of hitting bottom but in and of themselves they are not the bottom and if you think they are I got news for you in recovery you will hit bottom after bottom after bottom and get sicker and sicker and sicker and it's not mentioned in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous see look hitting bottom happened for me on January the 15th 1983 I hope something along this line happened for you because I'm sure it must have done though it may not be a conscious decision that happens for a lot of people they have done it but they don't consciously understand it so it doesn't have the depth and weight necessary to stop them from doing it again see on January the 15th 1983 in desperation and despair I turned to whatever not knowing not understanding not believing nothing but in desperation I went help me please help me what is wrong with me I can't stand anymore I can't stand anymore anybody relate to that and asked for help that's what powerlessness having been rendered powerless by this disease destitute in every department I screened out and asked for help ask ask saving kit help H-E-L-P his ever loving presence and you know what it was almost like the old man seemed to be loving and caring but he was not seen to be loving and caring but he was not looking over my shoulder and he just seemed to say to me Mick you silly bastard we've been waiting for you to ask now get yourself over to Alcoholics Anonymous and sent me to you I asked for help and he sent me to you why because here was the power in the second step that I needed to restore me to sanity having been rendered powerless and my life was unmanageable I couldn't do anything for in and of myself I asked for help he came into my life and sent me to you because here was the power in the second step came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore me to sanity and here it was here it was right here right now me plus you was a power greater than me you plus us is a power greater than you together we can do what I couldn't do alone I couldn't stay sober alone I couldn't stay sober alone and I couldn't do alone I couldn't stay sober You couldn't stay sober, but together we could stay sober. Me and God kept getting drunk. Me and God did lots of shit. Me and God robbed banks. In fact, that was the only time I used to talk to God when I was doing something wrong. I'd be running in a bank with a gun and I'd say, Please God, let everything go okay. Me and God got drunk. Me, you and God stayed sober. Here was the power. One and one. When one alcoholic comes together with another alcoholic for the purpose of recovery, God comes in our midst and produces a power greater than either of us. So it's produced by us, but it's greater than us and we can absolutely depend upon it. We never wrote that. That was written. You can check any scriptures you like. I don't care where you go, anywhere in the known world. You can go to the Bible, the Koran, the scriptures, the Old or the New Testament, whatever else you want, you will see it is written. When any two are gathered in my name, there I will be in your midst. That's why one and one make three. Me plus you, for the purpose of recovery, the old man comes in the middle, produces a power greater than either of us that we can absolutely depend upon. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stay sober in and of myself. You couldn't stay sober in and of yourself. But together, we come together and we can stay clean and sober. Every 12-step program works on that principle. Two people of a like kind come together to do together what they couldn't do apart. Here was the power. Here it was, right here, right now, to restore me to sanity. Now, what did that mean? I'm going to tell you very briefly. Never mind what the legal definition is. The insanity that we talk about in the second step is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. Drinking. To repeat the same behavior and expecting a different result is what we call insane. So if repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result was insanity, drinking, to be restored to sanity, meant not drinking. So here was the power to enable me to not have to drink, which was restoring me to sanity. That was the insanity that we were describing here in recovery. Not the insanity that they locked me up for in rubber rooms and chained me down for and shot me up with drugs and zapped me on electric machines and brutalized me and locked me up in places that bloody cuckoos wouldn't even fly over, man. You know? That wasn't the babbling lunatic insanity that we were talking about. The insanity we were talking about in recovery was repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. Drinking. So to be restored to sanity meant finding a way of not having to drink. And here it was, right here, right now. I asked for help and he sent me to you. So in the first step in and of myself I was powerless. I asked for help, he came into my life and sent me to you. Now I have a spiritual 12-step fellowship. You guys introduced me to a beautiful book. A book called The Big Book. Alcoholics Anonymous. Big Book. B-I-G-B-O-O-K. Believing in God beats our old knowledge. In the beautiful book was a program. P-R-O-G-R-A-M. People relying on God relaying a message. You see it was a 12-steps program. Steps. S-P-E-R-O-G-R-A-M. S-T-E-P-S. Solution to every problem. Sober. They said if you don't work the steps you will go crazy. You will go nuts. N-U-T-S. Not using the steps. They said you'll need help. Remember we deal with alcohol. Cunning, baffling, powerful without help. It's too much for us. So get a sponsor. S-P-O-N-S-O-R. Sober person offering newcomers suggestions on recovery. That's what a sponsor is. A sponsor was. See? Today I have sponsorees. People I sponsor. So let's recap. Wait a minute. I look at myself. I'm powerless. So I ask for help. He comes into my life and sends me to you. So I've got God in my life. Sends me to you. 12-steps spiritual fellowship. You guys introduced me to a big book. In the big book is a program. A 12-steps program. A sponsor. Sponsorees. I got some. Much bloody power over alcohol. I don't know what to do with it for Christ's sake. I said to my sponsor. What shall I do with all this power over alcohol? He said give it away. He said. Go up there to Iceland. Give it to them. They won't bloody want it anyway. So now I was powerless. My first step. If you read the first step. It says we admitted we were powerless. That my life had become unmanageable. Not that I am powerless and it is unmanageable. It's a past tense. Because I was but I ain't now. So alright. So in the 12 and 12 it says. We have warped our minds. In such an obsession. By such an obsession for destructive drinking. That only an act of providence can remove it from us. We have warped our minds. Well in the first two steps. We unwarp our minds. To be able to think straight. To make a decision. To make a decision in three. Remember the third step. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. As I've understood God. Understood is a past tense word. It's a past tense word. Because the understanding comes from one and two. See. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. As I've understood God. Well in one and two. I've got an understanding. Because I'm no longer drunk. And I've unwarped my mind. More has been revealed to me. Wow. So I can make a decision. I can't make a straight decision. With a warped mind. I can't build a straight building. With warped timber. I've got to unwarp my mind. But because most people don't do one and two correctly. They stay with a warped mind. And make a decision with a warped mind. That is screwed up. And so consequently. It's only a matter of time before they relapse. So we have to unwarp our minds. To make a straight decision in three. Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Now I made a mistake in three. Thinking that it said. Turn my life over to God. Well the book did say that. But the step didn't. The step said. Turn my will and my life over to the care of God. The book said. Turn my life. Over to God. But we had to work the steps. Now. So I turned my life over to God. And guess what. He turned it right back. He said. I don't want it. I gave it to you. Why are you giving it back to me? Went home. I got a white Jaguar sports car. It's a 12 cylinder white Jaguar sports car. I'm English for Christ's sake. Why wouldn't I? I'm in America. I got a white Jaguar sports car. I love my Jaguar sports car. The license plate on it is AA12. Went home. I got a white Jaguar sports car. It's a 12 cylinder white Jaguar sports car. I'm English for Christ's sake. Why wouldn't I? I'm in America. I got a white Jaguar sports car. It's an English limey piece of shit is what it is. And it breaks down. And when it breaks down, I take it back to the mechanic. And put it in the care of the mechanic for fixing and repair. But I don't. don't give the bugger my car, it's my car. I have to pay for it and fix it, but I put it in the hands of the mechanic for fixing and repair. I put it in the care of the mechanic, same as my will and my life. My life to God, where I got it from, put it in his care for fixing and repair. See, because I've learnt that. Now what is my will and my life? I ask you guys, you guys don't know. You think you do, but you can't tell me what it is. Well, I've got to know. So that's why we come and do these workshops. My will is my thinking, my life is my actions. But it can't be just today. All we've got is today, all we've got is today, one day at a time. Yeah, well what a load of crap that is. You know, I can't live in the now, because I'm carrying around all this guilt, shame and remorse from yesterday. But I've got to live in the now, but I can't because I've got guilt, shame and remorse from yesterday. And I've got to live in the now, but I can't live in the now, because I've got fear, worry and anxiety about tomorrow. Whoa! I can't live in the now, because of guilt, shame and remorse from yesterday. And I can't live in the now, because of fear, worry and anxiety about tomorrow. So I've got to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I've understood God. Which means, my will is my thinking, my life is my actions. But not just now, it has to be threefold. Everything I have done, am doing and will do. Past, present and future. So that I can live in the now. In the now. My actions are different to what I wish I'd done. My thinking. So I have to turn my past, present and future thinking as well. Which is everything I wish I'd done, would like to be doing and hope I'll do. Threefold. So that I can live in the now. Because I can't live in the now, but I've got to live in the now. N-O-W, because there's no other way. Why? Because I'm new. N-E-W, nothing else works. You see? So I've got to learn this stuff. I've got to learn this stuff. I've got to learn this stuff. I've got to learn this stuff. I've got to learn to make a decision. So I'm going to come here. I'm going to say to you guys, teach me, show me, help me. Show me what to do. Help me how to do it. Teach me what to do. Which is my thinking. And here's my body. Tell me, show me, help me what to do. And I will do what you tell me, which is my actions. So my will and my life here, I'm giving it to you, so that I can stay sober. Because here is the power, sufficient to enable me to not have to drink and drug today. Here it is right now. And there's the first three steps, everybody. Basically, I couldn't do it. He can do it. So let him. That's all it really means. I can't. He can. So let him. And you know what? If you're new around here, I have absolute faith that it will work for you. That's because this is what works. Here is what we got that works. It works for us all. It don't matter whether you're atheist, whether you're agnostic, whether you're tall, whether you're short, whether you're man, whether you're woman, whether you're black, whether you're white, whether you're ugly, whether you're good looking. It don't matter. It works for us all if we do it. Because it's a program of action. It works if we do it. It don't matter whether you do it willingly or not. Do it unwillingly as far as we're concerned. It matters that you do it. It's a program of action. In the book it says, if you want what we got, wow. Then these are the steps we took. Well, it's an action. These are the action steps. Because there's nothing to get here. I know people say, I don't get it. I'm not getting it. I didn't get anything from that speaker. I'm not getting anything from that meeting. I don't get it. You know why? Because there's nothing to get. There's nothing in the beautiful book about into getting. It's about doing and giving, doing and giving, doing and giving. And that's the point. And as you do it and give it, and do it and give it, it seems to have a residue that sticks to you. And pretty soon, you know what happens? We're celebrating a 30 day, 6 months, 90 days or whatever it is. Pretty soon, we do it and give it and we're celebrating a birthday, a celebration. Pretty soon, we're doing it and giving it and guess what? Some really sick person, maybe someone as sick as you, comes up to you one day and says, will you be my sponsor? Because lights have gone on and they suddenly recognise something in you that they want. You came in here helpless and hopeless and now you're doing it and giving it. It's working in your life and some other poor sick bugger, you can help the next guy. And that's what the book says. That's what the book says on my favourite page this week. My favourite. Anybody read the book by the way? It's a good idea. It's a good idea. My favourite page this week says down the bottom here, so we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered and have been given the power to help others. 132. Power. Power. Power. You know the word powerless is only mentioned once in the programme of Alcoholics Anonymous. Once the word powerless is mentioned and that's in the first step. Otherwise, powerless isn't mentioned in the programme of Alcoholics Anonymous. The word power is mentioned over and over and over. Power. Power. We have the power to help the next guy. Praying only for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry it out. New power has flowed into us. Powerless. Why would I walk around here saying I'm powerless for heaven's sake? I don't do that. Why would I do that? When alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous walk around saying I'm powerless, powerless over everything. To me, it's the disease getting you to deny the power that's in your life. Why would you do that? I don't do that. I make a conscious contact with the power like you taught me to every single day. Every single day. I make a conscious contact like the beautiful book says. See? Why would I say I'm powerless when I've got so much power? Think about it. I've got so much power over alcohol I don't know what to do with it. Now if you think I'm saying that with all this power if I take a drink of alcohol I'll have power over it. You're nuts. I ain't saying that at all. But what I am saying is that by working these steps and being here with you I have the power to do it. I have the power to do it. I have the power to do it. I have the power to not have to pick up the drink in the first place. And if I got it, you got it. He didn't give it to me and not you. Why would he do that? He gives it all to us equally. We're all his kids and he gives it all to us equally. But I can't afford to give him the finger by taking a mind-altering chemical. In the beautiful book on page 86 it says, Our thought life will be on a much higher plane for after all God gave us brains to use. Well if he gave us brains to use he gave me a brain to use he gave me the brain he wants me to have. If he gave me the brain he wants me to have he gave you the brain he wants you to have. He didn't give me and not you or you and not me. Well if he gave me the brain he wants me to have I got to have some big balls, haven't I? To give him the finger. Now I don't know I'm giving him the finger but what would you call it? See, if he gave me a brain that he wants me to have and I take a mind-altering chemical isn't that like saying well God it's alright look, thanks for everything but that brain you gave me don't think you did a very good job with me. I think I could change that. I think I could do a better job myself. So I'm going to take a mind-altering substance to change and alter that mind you gave me. So you're number one with me. What else would you call it? Can't get any recovery giving God the finger by taking a mind-altering chemical of any kind.