Mickey B. – Step One – The Mating Call of Arseholes – 1996

Hi everybody my name is Mickey Bush and I'm an alcoholic. I'm probably an addict. It's 2.30, 3.30 right? So we're gonna go for go for about 45 minutes and then we'll have a break and then come back and do another 45 minutes so your bums don't go all numb you know what I mean? Oh no you smoke down here. You don't need a smoke break. Alright, we'll have a break anyway. I'm not used to smoking meetings. Okay. I've been doing these workshops for quite some time now and primarily the first step leading into the second and third step which has been developing over a long time but I thank you. I was reading a lot of the AA history and the archives and stuff and was reading where Bill was so saddened by the amount of alcoholics that got to Alcoholics Anonymous but didn't stick around and that he started concentrating a lot in his later time to try to encourage those that were already here to stay here. Now, I stand on the firing line every day and it's just it's just really sad to see a lot of people that we know and love go back out again and when I speak to a lot of people who drink and use again and I talk to them about powerlessness and other things, they have like no idea and I'm talking about no idea about what the first step's all about as they think they do and so I started doing some workshops and started doing some extracurriculum work and that's kind of what's developed now is along these lines and as you see look, I don't have any briefcase I don' t have any notes I don''t have anything more than what's in here and in here in my mind and in my heart in my mental and physical I make references all the time to this beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous where our program is, and the 12 and 12. And I haven't brought any glasses with me today so I'll have to point to it in the book but go on memory. Are these reading glasses? I don't look like I'll come from West Hollywood, do I? Okay. No, they don't work. I've got to get a new pair of glasses. Okay, all right. but where it says here the very first line or the very first step in the 12 and 12 is who cares to admit complete defeat practically no one of course and you know what it took me a long time to realise what that was saying who cares to admit complete defeat practically no one of course and because practically no one of course cares to practically no one of course does so there's practically no one of course who has so there is practically no one of course to ask how the hell do I and of course being two blue alcoholics if i haven't done it i want to appear as though i have done it so i'll lie you know but but the whole thing is is that we don't get the message and the newcomer isn't getting what we're supposed to be giving them and that's our responsibility it's certainly the way i see it anyway if i don't give it to you correctly you may not get it correctly and if you don't receive it correctly when you meet somebody else maybe as sick as yourself you won't give it to them correctly and they won't hear it correctly and that may be their only opportunity of getting their recovery and i don't want to be responsible for somebody losing their shot at recovery i don' t know about you so i see it as my responsibility to to do this this first the 12th step which is uh carried this message not those messages this message see so that's what i try and do anyway um there's a whole first step before the first step see there's a whole step that needs to be done long before we get to the first step and if you think that you've done a first step by admitting that you're an alcoholic you're missing the deal and it's a shame and a lot of people think that they've done the first step by admitting they're alcoholic. Now, you can look at the first step any which way you like and you will find nowhere in there that admitting you're an alcoholic is the first step. In fact, nowhere in the four pages of the first step in this book does it say that, you see? And so admitting that I'm an alcoholic is not the first steps and a lot of people think it is. I hear people talking what I refer to as lip-flapping party line bullshit, you know, at meetings and you'll hear it too. And it has nothing to do with nothing and yet it happens all the time. One guy, now you've got to bear in mind I'm kind of weird and I know some other people are weird and I say weird shit sometimes but one guy in a North Hollywood group he stood up in a room full of newcomers and said a newcomer does the first step as soon as he walks through the door and raises his hand as an alcoholic he's done the first steps. I said you're killing people telling them that crap he said I'm 23 years sober that's my experience I said I don't give a who how long you're sober that ain't this message 23 years sober I said you're a god damn spy in the camp you are you're a god dam traitor you the disease has allowed you to stay sober 23 years so you can come among us spreading that shit you're spreading the disease is crap killing us alcoholics 23 years sober spreading that ship well that's not how to win friends and influence people but he got the point but there's a lot of people walking around here quoting crap that has nothing to do with nothing and certainly it's not our message you see and they go unchallenged because one of the things that they qualify is like well just for me i'm just talking for me this is just for me and they think because they hide behind the qualification of just for me they can get up here and spew out a load of crap and go unchallenged i don't allow that i don' t allow that at all just for me screw you you know i don't go for that crap some of the crap in the book like bill says in the book light if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely or if when drinking you find can't control the amount you take you're probably alcoholic or probably suffering from a disease called alcoholism well screw probably there's no bloody probably about it if you can't stop when you want to or control when you is, you bloody well are. There ain't no probably about it. All that hiding behind that stuff. Anyway, we'll get on. Where's my... In this beautiful book on page 30, it says we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholics. this is the first step in recovery now it's the first step in discovery but it is not the first of the twelve I have to at least have a problem before I can get to the solution to it so yes we learn we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholics, this isthe first stepin recovery but itisnotthefirstofthetwelve the delusion that we are like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed what's that telling us? thank you so we had to do it and it has to been done we learn we had to fully concede to our innermost self the delution has to beat that we're like other people presently maybe has to be smashed so we had to do it and it has to be done there is nothing suggestive about that that is a given all that's suggested no what does it mean to be alcoholic I ask folk what is it about you that makes you alcoholic they go can't control my drinking read your first step does it say anything about control my first step don't say anything about control if it was about control we would have written control we're clever us alcoholics we would have written control if it was about control, doesn't say nothing about control, what is there about me that makes me an alcoholic well since we learn we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholics so if I've got to learn to fully conceive to my innermOST self that I am alcoholic it would really help to know what being an alcoholic is and I ask folk, now this is a workshop, so in the normal course of events you know, we don't sort of interrupt or have cross talk but that doesn't apply here at any time that you feel you want to please raise your hand and ask your question or whatever I love playing stump the drunk why don't you play stump the drunk with me? I love playing stumped the drunk you dig it? So like try and play stump the junk with me and we'll get somewhere you bloody Cincinnati whatever it is in the air, I'm all stuffed up and locked up. Is that right? What is that, allergies or something? Can't even take pills anymore. So please just raise your hand and let us know if you've got something that you want to say or ask or if I skip over something that you haven't understood. Please stop me and ask me. i'll be asking you guys questions so if i've got to fully concede to my innermost self that i am alcoholic what does that mean well i need to know what it means what is my innermo self i need to know What does to fully concide mean? It's got to be different to admitting we hear things like admittance acceptance and surrender and it sounds like the deal but it ain't it ain' the deal to fully conceded to my inner most self is to deal and then I gotta admit accept and surrender to that so admitting that i'm an alcoholic is not the deal it sounds like the deal people say it's the deal but it ain't what's the difference between fully conceding and admitting well i need to know this stuff and if i don't know and if I skip past it and then uh haven't fully understood it well then I'm going to miss part of the deal and guess what if I've skipped past it in the first step, my foundation is an unrock solid foundation and whatever I build on top of a shaky foundation eventually comes crumbling down and that's just what happens the biggest group of people who drink and use in Alcoholics Anonymous after the initial first new period is between 7 and 10 years between 7 and 10 year is the biggest group of alcoholics who drink again and you try to check it out you talk to some of these people have no idea what's going on as they think they have and that's just like anything if you this building that we're in if you put it on a shaky foundation oh it may stand up for a while maybe a long while but then it'll start cracking and crumbling and we'll have to reinforce it and then it'll become unsafe and we will have to evacuate it and we may raise it to the ground but you know if the foundation is rocky if we don't go into the foundation and reinforce or replace the foundation but just build a new building that will come crumbling down too we've got to go in and reinforce the foundation and then build a New Temple and that's what we need to do here if our sobriety isn't on a rock solid foundation based in the first step well then it eventually will come clumbling down even if we do stay sober for a while and stand for a While and I don't want that to happen I see too much of that happening all the time. I see that all the times. So I need to know, what is it about me that makes me alcoholic? What is it about my that makes me an alcoholic? People think it's obvious, but it ain't. What is about me that makes an alcoholic. It's very simple. Who wants to answer? Anybody give me an answer. Come on, this is a workshop. Who want's to answer? Nobody don't wanna tell me? Come on here over here. What is there about me that makes you an alcoholic A physical allergy to alcohol. Alright, so once I take the first drink I can't control what I do after I do that. Well, what is that? Right, what is that What? obsession with delusion okay well what is that that's what we're getting to powerless what does it mean to be powerless i'm only asking a couple of simple questions here i started off asking what you know what is it about me that makes me an alcoholic so far i got powerlessness control i got um The allergy, what else did I get? See, I got description of a disease called alcoholism. See, a description of a disease call alcoholism is obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. That's a description of a diseased called alcoholisim. That's not what makes me an alcoholic. But we might want to try something else. Genetic? What's genetic? What? I can't see or hear who's saying that the fact what that you breathe well I believe that you believe that but you know there's a lot of people that breathe that are not alcoholic and where if we I often hear about being people who believe they were born alcoholic Well, alcoholism is caused by drinking alcohol. So if you were born an alcoholic, where did you do your drinking? Now sometimes it comes through parents. We know that. A baby gets born with the allergies through the parents, like AIDS babies and other things like that. But you see, we've got a two-fold disease, mental and physical. So if I was born with The Allergy, it's not coupled with the mental obsession. so how can I be born an alcoholic see I can be born with the susceptibility to become an alcoholic and the more likelihood to become a alcoholic but like the book said it would be academic if I didn't pick up the drink it has the effect and I do it again not only that if I was born an alcohol it's not my fault they did it to me I'm a victim and I can get no recovery while I'm evicted while they did it to me see, so I don't go along with that genetic, I've got three sisters and a brother, they're not like you know, got the same genetics I've Got Friends here that are twins one twin's an alcoholic, one twin isn't, I don' t think that is no, I'm an alcoholic because I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol I have, I have an abnormal reacton to alcohol alcohol in any way, shape or form I react abnormally to it I have a normal reaction to alchohol well what is that what is that abnormal reaction it's no good me just saying I got it I need to know what it is what is my abnormal reaction to alcohol what is yours no it's not drank too much that's not an abnormal reaction to alcohol that's an action that you do no well we know that it changes our thinking and we have mood swings and we have Jekyll and I personalities an alcoholic addictive behavior but i'm an alcoholic i need to know what my abnormal reaction is phenomenal craving that's a description of the disease if i'm unalcoholic i'll have a disease called alcoholism which that is a part of the description of but i need you know if i got an abnormal reaction to something what is that it does change my perception of reality it's been doing that long before I even become alcoholic. Long before I cross over the invisible line, alcohol is changing my perception of reality. It's what I call a nerd remover. For all the years that I've been drinking, it's been removing the nerdness. I feel like a goddamn nerd. But when I drink, I don't care whether I'm a nerd. You're a bloody nerd. I ain't an herb? Alcohol removes the nerdness. It changes my perception of reality. Yes, it does. It's been doing that all the time, right up until I reach what we call an invisible line. Once I cross over the invisible line, now the rules change. Now something else is happening. Once i cross over the invisible lion and become alcoholic, remember what the book says, we become alcoholic. Up until I cross over the invisible line. Alcohol has been doing this for me. It's been removing the nerdness. Well, once I crossover the invisible line, what it's been doing for me, it's now doing to me. It can't do it for me unless it's being doing it to me Now I'm screwed. Plus, once across over the invisible line, there's no going back. I can't not become that delusion that I may one day be able to drink like other people. It has to be smashed What's a delusion? A delusion is a trick. A delusion or an illusionist does tricks, doesn't it? An illusionist like David Copperfield or Siegfried and Roy. I was just in Vegas recently and saw Sieg Fried and Roy Well they do these wonderful illusions I mean and they're mind-blowing You look at them and you go Wow! Holy shit! How the hell did they do that? But you know the elephant ain't really disappeared It's a bloody trick! well that delusion is what the disease does to our mind it gets us to believe a lie you see, just like an illusionist gets us TO BELIEVE A TRICK but it's not, it's a trick so the disease gets us to believe A LIE that one day we'll be able to drink again and how many people have done that alcoholics over and over and over do that so now I've got an abnormal reaction to alcohol I need to know what that is I suggest that you discover something about yourself that happens that you can absolutely focus in that is a direct result of drinking and using. With me, it's blacking out. It doesn't have to be with you. Yes? With me it's uncontrollable anger. Uh-huh. I get violent. I used to think that too but I usedto get violently angry without alcohol too. How about that? What's the normal reaction? I'll tell you what a normal reaction is when we can drink it with impunity. like my mum say mum do you want another glass of sherry she'll say certainly not this is my second one and I'm already feeling it come mum one for the road excuse me normal reactions to alcohol people don't normal people it doesn't remove the nerdness for them it doesn' t do for them what it does for us it doesn´t make them feel like a king like it does me I get a couple of folks who can't get off work and they stop at the local pool hall or something for a beer on the way home relieve the stresses of the day and maybe shoot a game and one guy says I've got to go home and the old lady's got the dinner on and he's not alcoholic and the other guy he says oh Stan have a couple for the road screw her you've been working all week no I better get home and he finishes up and he goes home the other guys still yelling hey come on let's go to Tijuana you know because he's got the flavor now and he wants to get going alcohol's having his abnormal reaction he's taking him beyond what he's doing see so i black out when i drink i blackout i don't black out all the time i don't back out every time but i blacked out i don' t know when i'm gonna black out and i don''t know how much to drink to go into a blackout or how much not to drink so i don ''t go into blackout how much drink to drink into a thin one or a short one or a fat one i drink i black out i never black out conveniently by the way you know and just like the book beautiful book says if you're a blackout drinker too i've never once came out of a black out in any other way other than like the book says pitiful and incomprehensibly demoralized which is paid p-a-i-d we've paid our dues i never once come out of blackout heading up a charity show you know or giving a kid a toy you know or doing something nice for somebody you know it was always in this like oh man I like my last blackout and I come out of the blackout my best friend's laughing at me and I said what are you laughing at me he said well you don't know what you got up to do you I said no what happened he said Well, it all started after you peed in that lady's dinner What? He said don't you remember your friend visiting from Spain took us to that pos Beverly Hills restaurant and in the middle of the restaurant you got all ticked off at that old lady and got up and whacked it out right in her spaghetti. Oh my God. Now I would do shit like that and then I wouldn't remember it because I'd been in a blackout and I would go back in that restaurant the next day and they'd go, oh God, how the hell have you got the balls to come in here after what you did I go what do you mean and they wouldn't understand how I didn't remember what I'd got up to because I was in a blackout I didn'T know nothing about a black out see you guys taught me about that so my abnormal reaction to alcohol is that I black out when I drink I blackout I don't know about you one of my friends my best friends in fact he immediately he says that his reaction is that once he takes one of anything doesn't matter what it is he immediately becomes addicted again he immediately becomes re-addicted see so i like that one too other people have other variants one particular person i know goes into seizures you know doesn't go into seizures without drinking but as a result of drinking does now i don't care what it is i don't if it's your hair spring straight on end or i don' t know the left one flies off to the left i don'' t care you know it doesn' t matter but find out and discover something about that you can nail to the wall that this is a result of drinking, this is an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Mind's blacking out. Now it says we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholics. Well, I have an abnormal reactin' to alcohol Yes, over there. The reaction is whatever happens after the action. The action is when you drink. Yeah, as a result oF drinking. The drinking is what our abnormal reaction is. Yes, as result oof drinking, something happens. What is that? with me it's blacking out I don't know what it is with you you can discover it for yourself well then don't do it then if you have an abnormal reaction to alcohol don't drink doctor it really hurts when I do this does it? well then dont do that ok I ain't going to do that ok you have a normal reaction to alcool don't drinking well look you're drunk well I didn't intend to get drunk I'm not going to drink no more well then look at you, you're drunk you said you wasn't going to drink anymore well I don't know I didn't really intend to get drunk and I just drank I just had a few drinks and I'll get drunk well look at me look at her, you've drunk again well why don't you cut down why don'T you cut it down right down or I'm just going to drinking when I get off work look at here, you drunk again well I only stopped for a couple look, you'Re drunk again you can't stop drinking and you can'T cut it dowN look you're drunk again you've got an abnormal reaction you don't want to drink again and they look at you you're drank again well I don't know what it is well the book talks about it on page 44 it says if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely or if when your drinking you cannot control the amount you take you're probably suffering from a disease called alcoholism so here I've got an abnormal react to alcohol and I can't stop doing it and I cant cut it down well I'm suffering from a disease call alcoholism well what's that Well, a disease called alcoholism is a two-fold disease. Mental and physical, mind and body. Well, what's that? Well, it's an obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. Obsession of the Mind, Allergy of the Body. Well, What's That? Well, It's an Obsession Of The Mind, Mental And Physical. And What Is An Obsession? An Obsession Is A Thought To The Exclusion Of All Else, Including Recovery. A ThoughtToTheExclusionOfAllElse, IncludingRecovery. and you see it every day. When the obsession sucks you in, it takes away your ability to say no so that then you have to say yes so that when you do say yes you think you chose to or wanted to and you didn't. Once you take the first one, what happens then? We've got two-fold disease. The obsession of the mind, a thought turns to the obsession, the obsession takes away my ability to say now and then I drink. Once I drink, what happens? The allergy of the body. What's the allergy of the body? Phenomenon of craving. Doctor describes it perfectly in the doctor's opinion. Phenomena of craving What's a phenomenon of craving? A craving is a feeling a feeling beyond my mental control so I have an obsession of the mind, allergy ofthebody It's a different allergy for the alcoholic than it is for other allergies I have a friend of mine for example who's allergic to abalone when he eats abalone he breaks out, he breaks out and he gets sick and he knows that happens and in spite of himself once in a great while he'll eat abalone if it's catch of the day or done in garlic or something like that, once in awhile he'll take a taste, he'll be tempted and he'll break out and go god damn it I knew that was going to happen what a dick but he don't have to go to abalone anonymous because although he breaks down it's not coupled with the mental obsession to eat buckets and buckets of abalone he has an allergy to the body so I have a two-fold disease mental and physical, mind and body I have an obsession of the mind I know what an obsession is it's a thought to the exclusion of all else including recovery I have analogy of the body which is in the form of the phenomenon of craving a craving is a feeling beyond my mental control I cannot now think my way out of this thing alright it says we learned we had to fully concede to my innermost self that I'm an alcoholic. Now I've got some foundation to make that assessment. I've gone alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic because I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I can't stop drinking it, I can do anything about it, I've a body that mustn't do it and a mind that won't let me not do it. So I've go a disease called alcoholism. A disease called alcholism is a two-fold disease, mental and physical, mind and body. Obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. Now I know what the hell's wrong with me. alright, page 20 of the beautiful book if you want to read it, it says if you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking what do I have to do so I'm coming from the space of being an alcoholic to ask what do i have to do, and when alcoholics come to Alcoholics Anonymous we tell them what we did about it, which is the 12 spiritual steps of the program, starting with step 1, so admitting that I'm an alcoholic is not step 1 I have to come from a space of being an alcoholic to ask what do I have to do which is the 12 steps, which is step 1 starts with step 1 but before we even get to that stage we learn we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholic well what is my innermOST self if I don't know what it is how the hell am I going to fully concede to it? What does it mean to fully concede? It must be more than admitting it because I can admit that I'm an alcoholic. I see people all the time admitting that they're alcoholic. If you come to a liquor store down on Lancashire Boulevard in San Fernando Valley with me, the first time the guy hit me up, I walked approached the liquor store and he put his hand out. He went, give me a dollar man, I'm an alcoholic I've got to get a drink. He's admitting he's alcoholic He's accepted the fact that he's an alcoholic He's conceded, he's using the fact that he's alcoholic to bum money to carry on drinking. Is it doing him any good? How many of us don't do that on a daily basis, hide behind the disease or the fact that we're alcoholic? You know, we screw up or something and say, well what did you expect from an alcoholic? Doesn't work. Doesn't works. Fully concede to my innermost self. What is the difference between alcohol fully conceding and admitting? And there's a distinct difference. So one of the things is when I admit something to you, I can change that admittance tomorrow. I can admit to something else tomorrow. When I got to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you guys asked me what I did for a living. I told you I'm a thief. I admitted I was a thief where I came from. The bigger thief he was, the more esteem you had. I said, I'ma thief. He said, wow. Well, admitting that I was thief, what did that do? It allowed me to rip you off. And I did. People said, Mick, you ripped me off. I said, oh no, I told you I was a thief. That's all it did. So admitting I'm an alcoholic, all that really does is allow me to be, excuse my drinking. Doesn't do no good. So I can tell you today, I haven't stolen, I don't intend to steal, I haven'T stolen for many years. The thought of being dishonest and stealing repulses me. I can stand before you today and tell you that I'm no longer a thief Now when I admit that I'M AN ALCOHOLIC, some people take back that admittance and change their mind they fall for the delusion that well you're not really an alcoholic you're NOT REALLY an alcoholic, the disease says to them this, the diseased says you're Not REALLY an alcoholic look, you were just going through a rough patch, you're alright now you're over the hump look, he's a real alcoholic, that dick over there, you'RE NOT LIKE him no, that's right That's right, I'm not. I was just going through a rough patch. I could have a nice cold one on a hot day. Take a drink. Now what happens? What happens when we fall for the delusion of believing a lie and we take a little sippy poo on one of those little slippy poos? Huh? What happens two seconds after you take that first drink? that same disease that just told you you wasn't an alcoholic now goes ha ha what a dick drinking again ha ha screwed up again look at you now drinking again what an idiot well you're a bloody newcomer again now I've got you again and then what does the disease say well Well, you might as well really get shit-faced now. Might as well hang one on. The delusion has to be smashed. What is it to fully concede? It has to быть different to admitting what is my innermost self? I've got to know what that is. Well, I'll refer back to the book. When you look at the big book, and this is my description of fully conceding, the difference between fully conceding and admitting and we've got some senior folk in the room tonight may even remember what I'm going to talk about on page one of the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous it's Bill's story you can check this out, it's right here on page 1 it says war fever ran high in the New England town of which us new young officers from Plattsburgh were assigned it goes on to say we landed in England I visited Winchester Cathedral it goes onto say 22 and a veteran of foreign wars he's talking about the first world war in Europe the 1914-18 world war where Kaiser Wilhelm was rampaging through Europe going to take over the world now young men were getting slaughtered on the shores of France and other places there, 2 million to be precise and you American chaps came over and you kicked the German army's ass and you saved our bacon and I'm real glad you did and we thank you for that you kick the German army's arse and that German army they were defeated they admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered to the American advanced forces well I was born in 1943 during the height of the Blitz in England London, England Second World War the Blizt was on some of you guys may have been over there Hitler little dickhead Hitler he was rampaging through Europe going to take over the world but you weren't going for that you guys came over and kicked his arse saved our bacon man and I'm glad you did and we thank you very much for that but that wasn't the first time you guys did that in the first world war when you defeated that German army and they admitted defeat and they accepted that defeat and they surrendered. They admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered but did they fully concede? Did they shit? They came back in 1939 and did it all over again and when little Hitler came along and said let's go storming into Poland they said yeah whoop-dee-doo and then let's go into Czechoslovakia and take over the rest too nobody had fully conceded so nobody said whoa wait a minute we did that in 1418 and them yanks came over and kicked our ass we ain't gonna do that no more they'll do it again for christ's sake nobody said that because they hadn't fully concede it they'd admitted accepted and surrendered but they hadn'T fully conceeded so they did it again just like we do here. Fully conceded is a totally different thing to admitted. I've got to fully concede. To fully concede to something is once I fully concede, it's done. It's a done deal. It's to the stone. It is never going to be changed. There is never no going back. There is never debating, no arguing, no questioning about it. There's no debate going on. It is a done deed. I'm fully concedes to my innermost self. What is my innermoest self? It can't be what I think. We have people say, well, what do you honestly think? Can't be that. Well, your truth can't be my truth. Well, it's like you're in a, your feelings. What? How can it be any of that stuff? What I really think. I wrote a word. Shit. That's why I use it so much. Shit. S-H-I-T. Simply how I think. You know, I can't rely on that. The doctor tells me the disease lays mainly in my mind. What I do with my mind is think. So if the disease lies in my mine and what I do in my min is think there's a good chance that my thinking's diseased. That ain't hard to work out, is it? I can' t rely on that, can I? Well you're true. Truth? What truth? I'm a liar, a cheat and a thief. I speak with a forked tongue. I'll tell a lie any chance I get, especially to take an advantage. Well, you're innermost feelings. Feelings? Feelings! I can't rely on my bloody feelings. At best, my feelings are gonna change. I got a jack-o'-lantern personality. I have mood swings. Feelings. My heart's been broken many times and will be again i'm a delicate dude for christ's sake i can't rely on my feelings can i rely on that any life based run on their feelings is doomed alcoholic life can't i can'T RELY ON MY FEELINGS I GOT TO ACT BETTER THAN I FEEL i canT RELAY ON THAT YOU GUYS HAVE TAUGHT ME THAT I CAN'T RUN AROUND IT SOME DAYS I FEel LIKE killing your sick butt some days i feel like drinking i can't rely on that so we talk about our innermost self what is that well i got to get it somewhere where i can fully concede to it which is my gut we talk abut our gut level honesty and how do i get in touch with my gut level honestly well we commit it to paper we go back like the 12 and 12 talks about we go back in our drinking histories like it says here and long before we realized it we saw years before we realized that we were already out of control in the grips of a fatal progression long before we realize it as we go back we commit it to paper and when we write it down three things occur one is that when we right shit down we're being as honest as it's possible for us to be which may not in and of itself be totally honest but it's at least the best we know how nobody else better plus when we're writing it down 85% of the pressure involved in what we're doing disappears so now we're not coming from that intensity plus when we're riding it down, we're formulating a record and like your great man said, let's consult the record, and we go back in our drinking histories and we write down what it is, and if we've got this abnormal reaction like my blacking out, I start writing down the occasions of blacking now and i see that long before i even realized it was no mere habit it was already the start of a fatal progression going way back look the 60s the 70s the 80s the 90s for christ's sake back and back and back look this isn't just something that just happened i got a record of events there's no denying this it's down on paper i can fully concede to my innermost self this is it this ain't no just little slip of the tongue you know here it is and if you're like me as we consult as we write down i start looking at it and i go wow look i've written this before for christ's sake and i flip back oh yeah look there it is there look tuesday tuesday afternoon look shit there it ist again there tuesday look tuesdies look third tuesday of the month what third bloody hell i don't do well on the third tuesdys of the months so i can now take precautions to avoid it now i can learn to fully concede to my innermost self I'm alcoholic, I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol and this is a deal that I have fully conceded to my innermost self I'm not just admitting it thinking that it may change tomorrow no, this is done deal I'm admitting that I'm fully conceeding to my inner mind and it says we learned we had to one of the most common things I hear in AA it's not we learned I work with a lot of newcomers you know what I hear more than anything else it's not we learn, can we learn can we ask it's I know everybody knows everything you've got to go to meetings I know, you've gotta get a big book I know gotta get sponsored, gotta work the steps I know usually followed by yeah but I know yeah but the mating call of arseholes well it don't say i know it says we learn and that's what we're doing here aren't we we're coming here to try and learn something now i've been spouting off now for 45 minutes and i haven't even got to the first step yet there's a whole step that we need to know and appreciate long before we even get to the third step and if we don't know that well 95 folks are not making it 95 of people get to alcoholics anonymous are not making It over the long haul and that's far too many so we're trying to do something about it and this is what we're doing let's take a break and when we come back we'll have a real good strong hit with the first step alright folks my name's Mickey Bush and we're going to continue again I'm still an alcoholic hi everybody okay powerless the first steps we admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable what does that mean? what does it mean to be powerless over alcohol I ask folk they don't know I ask them what they mean they think they do, they don' t know they say things like I can't control my drinking if it was about control we would have written control I'm powerless over alcohol, what the hell does that mean what does that means to be powerless over alcohol not people, places and things alcohol we admitted we were powerless over over alcohol. Now bear in mind, we've already gone to the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and read on page 20 where it says, if you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking what do we have to do? Well, I want to get over it. What do I have to do? Twelve steps, starting with step one. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives would become unmanageable. What does that mean? If I don't know what it means, how the hell can I do it? When I ask folk, are you an alcoholic? Yeah, I'm an alcoholic. Well, what's that? Well, I am one. Well,what does it mean to be an alcoholic ? Oh, well, I' m an alcoholic, I' M an alcoholic but if you don' t know what he means, how is it going to work for you? You try going to court. My sponsor is a judge. You just try going to a court and standing in that court and saying, I plead guilty as charged, Your Honour, but I don't know what the hell guilty means. He'll say, get the hell out of here and go and get a barrister or a lawyer or something. You know, I can't accept that plea. So I need to know this stuff. It's important that I know this step. Powerless over alcohol. What does that mean? To be powerless over alcohol, alcohol, not people, places, things, not other things. We're focusing in on alcohol. I am powerless over alcohol. Well, say what? You can't use self-will or knowledge. Can't use, did everybody hear? Can't used self- will or knowledge, that's a little part of the deal. You can use self will or knowledge on diarrhea either. See when I say I'm powerless over alcohol I also have to add on something else otherwise I'm only giving you half the deal it's kind of like me saying well I I'm powerless over Mike Tyson I couldn't beat Mike Tyson if I was to tell you I can't beat mike tyson that may be true but it's only half the deal if I don't also add but he can flatten me I gotta tell you i can't be him but he can beat me and when i'm powerless over alcohol i'm powerless over but the disease of alcoholism is more powerful than me i'm powerless over alcohol if i say that i'm already conceding that there's a power greater than myself alcohol if I'm powerless over alcohol then it's more powerful than i am so I'm already concealing it's a power greater myself But it's a negative power. I can't get any recovery from that. I'm powerless over alcohol. Now, if God is the source and God is the power of everything, and I'm powerless over alcohol, it means that I have no God in my life when it comes to alcohol. Not other things. I have a God in the rest of my life. In fact, I go to church, I get on my knees and pray, I have kids, I send them to school, I do all kinds of other things, But as far as alcohol is concerned, I'm powerless. And if God is the source and God is the power of everything and I'm powerless over alcohol, it means I have no God in my life when I come to alcohol. I can't get any recovery from that. I am powerless over alcohol. Now the description I give of powerlessness is not in this book. I canít find it in this book and I canít find it In This Twelve and Twelve. I caníd find it anywhere written down. If you can, please let me know. I would love to have a reference point. But here's the description that I give of powerlessness. Powerless over alcohol because it makes me do shit that I don't want to do including it. Drinking and using. It makes me doing shit that I don't wanna do including drinking it. I'm powerless over it cause it makes me do what i already don't want to do now who among us in the room haven't been in a place where every desire in the world is to not drink wherever every fiber of our body is against drinking everything about me screams out about not drinking when i absolutely don't want to drink i end up drinking anyway who's done that no shit now that that description is not in that book but every hand in this room went up see when i absolutely don't want to do it when every fiber of my body is against doing it when every desire i got in the world is to not do it the disease makes me do it anyway and i endup drunk i got a disease that makes me do what I already don't want to do. When I already don't wanna do it, I got a disease that makes me do it. I don't just do it I got the disease that makes my do it. Now our book don't say that. Our book tells me that will happen and it tells me the consequences of what will happen but it doesn't tell me that the disease is gonna make me do what i already don'want to do And then we get the lip flappers. The lip flaippers who say shit like, well I choose not to drink today. How the hell do you do that? Where does that come from? I don't know where some of this shit comes from. It ain't in the book. I choose no to drink. I choose to drink to drink tonight. Where the hell does that comes from? It ain' in the books. In fact the books says, I've lost the power of choice in drink. Some people just say no. where the hell does that come from either just say no well screw Nancy Reagan just say no, just say no to a dude like me just say know may work for a six year old kid that ain't crossed over the invisible line but it don't work for full blown alky like me, I will drink and use no matter what, not I won't just say now I mean I don't know where this shit comes from. Just saying no to a dude like me is like telling that homeless dude on the corner, hey, homeless dude, just get a house. Get a bloody house, homeless Dude. What the hell are you doing? You prick, if I could get a House, I wouldn't be homeless. No. And if I could just say no, I Wouldn't be an alcoholic either. Oh, I can say it, but I can't rely on it. I can choose not to drink that's easy I can't rely on it though I did it three times in one day once it's easy to do that can't really rely on the bastard because I've got a disease that I'm powerless over I've Got a disease that's more powerful than my choice not to do it and I've GOT news for you if you're standing outside a liquor store you better have more going for you than the fact that you don't want to do it I can' t rely on the fact that I don't want to do it. My book tells me you'll reach a stage where every desire in the world will be of absolutely no avail. So I've got to not want to do it and then do these steps and this work so that I don't do what I already don't wanna do. And if I don' t do these steps and this work, I will do what I already don't wanna do! The disease will make me do what I already don't wanna do! I don t just cruise along and just like whoops! Have a little slippy poo i've got a disease whose sole goal and aim in life is to get me to drink its sole goal the name of the disease is to get an alcoholic to drink 24 7 that's all it's concentrating on totally not what you do after you drink like some people say well once i take the first drink who gives a crap after you took the first drink the disease don't the disease doesn't give a shit what you do after you took the first drink it knows just having the disease will take care of that it's gotta get you to take that first drink and it will do anything to get you to do that so I can't rely on my choice not to do it I gotta not want to do it and then do these steps and this work so that I don't do it see because I'm powerless over it I am powerless over alcohol I am powerless over alcoholicism what's the difference I'm Powerless over growth. Alcohol, alcoholism. I've got to understand this. I'm powerless over alcoholism, I'm powerless over alcohol. What's the difference? Alcoholism's in me, alcohol's in the bottle. Alcoholism comes first, alcohol comes second. I'm powerful over alcohol that gets me to do it and then I'm powelless over it once I drink it. See? Powerlessoveralcohol, powellesseveralcoholism because I've gotta body that mustn't do it and a mind that won't let me not do it. and then once I do it I can't stop from doing it and then when I'm doing it I can stop doing it all this is not just like you know lip flapping shit this is all important stuff that we need to know so I'm powerless I'm powerless because I have no power I have not power I am powerless over alcohol I've no God in my life when it comes to alcohol alcohol that's why this book and our literature is so pertinent that we have to hit bottom every alcoholic has to hit bottom because until he so hits bottom, he doesn't reach out for the power. Because while we're trying to do it ourselves or why we think we can just choose or why all that other stuff, I'm not turning to the power. Now most alcoholics of my kind, maybe yours as well certainly the kind in this book, The Last Gaspers and other people they reach a stage in their drinking careers where they hit bottom and where they get bottom is to that degree where they scream out in some desperation in some capacity for help sometimes it's like god what am i gonna do help me who's done that of course now we're asking for the help we're reaching to the power the power that's in the rest of our life but not in as far as alcohol because we haven't invited him in as far as alcohol specifically as far as alcohol is concerned god's in the rest of our life no doubt about that but as far as alcohol he waits for us to ask for help and once we ask for health what can i do what's going on help me for christ's sake he immediately springs into action the power now our book tells us that in all alcoholics we have some underlying belief and faith in a power whatever your belief and faith in whatever it may have been I have no truck with that Alcoholics Anonymous has no truck with anything that anybody believes it's one of the phenomenons that I love about Alcoholics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous has no truck with anybody's preference in any way shape or form see in fact our twelve steps you know our twelve spiritual steps is claimed by every known denomination known to man claims our 12 steps came from their teachings be it the bible or the quran or the scriptures or whatever it might be every known denomination known to man claim that our 12 Steps came from their teachings and they probably did i mean bill was a bloody crook he probably stole them from everyone you know what i mean so you know that's what we got started for him wasn't it we got started by a crook stockbroker and a bloody butt doctor, because that's what Dr Bob was. People talk about Dr Bob, you know, but he was a real prick, Dr Bob. He was a real alcoholic prick, he was. Arrogant prick too. But you know what? When we turn to the power and we hit bottom, we ask the power, whatever or whoever that power is, and whatever you call it has no effect on me whatsoever. I don't care what noun you use to describe the power that you have or the understanding of a god but we turn to whatever that is and we ask for the help and i used to think that it was the the understanding the god of my understanding that helped me that was the what was doing it for me until i realized it wasn't the second step taught me that came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity well i turned to god as i understand god and he gave me the power he directed me to you he directedme to alcoholics anonymous which was the power greater than myself he sent me to the doctor it wasn't him he sentme to the power and here was thepower me plus you was a power greater than myself you plus us was apower greater than yourself here it was i turnedto god asi understood God the belief I had in God which anybody's belief is okay with us I turned to that and he then snapped into action and put me among you he put me where he wanted me to be and it was among you guys and here was the power right here right now our book talks about it I believe it and I got sober as a result of it I was powerless over alcohol until I turned To The Power and asked for the help and then the power came into my life because until I such turned to That Power I was powerless my mind being unmanageable was the mental stage my life was unmanaged well i had great qualities i had great talents i had a great earning potential and yet i owed everybody i was broke busted disgusted and not to be trusted i couldn't sit down and manage my own affairs oh i just my car wasn't in the shop was in the shot that my my mother of my my child was like xing me every concept of everything was out of order when i got here and you know what I sponsor people that are megabuck millionaires how can you tell a man who's a legend in his own lifetime that his life's unmanageable but you know what he's a fully fledged member of this program why? how is his life unmanangeable? because if you understand this you may understand even for us when everything's okay it just doesn't seem to be okay even when everything I got is more than anybody else has got it never seems to be enough she never seems to love me enough, I never seem to have enough money my record although it's gold it hasn't gone gold quickly enough I never seemed to be okay with what I got I seem to be restless, irritable and discontented unmanageable my mental state that's the unmanagability so I'm powerless over alcohol because it makes me do what I already don't want to do but I do have a way out how can I not have a way out, I'm clean and sober 13 years well here it is here's the way out I come among you, here's the power, me plus you is a power greater than me you plus us is a power greater then you I come here, we stay sober I get drunk, two alcoholics come together for the purpose of recovery without the third factor which is for the purpose of discovery alcoholics hanging out with each other don't mean shit we talk about alcoholics and we talked about the fellowship but there's two alcoholics anonymous is there's the big book alcoholics Anonymous and there's the Fellowship Alcoholics Anonymus one treats the disease of alcoholism and one doesn't the 12 steps treat the disease in alcoholism The fellowship doesn't treat the disease of alcoholism. What the fellowship does is treat the symptoms to the disease. If I'm all feeling angst and in fear, I can come here and be among you, go to a meeting, sit down, be safe and feel okay and calm. That's the symptom of the disease, but it doesn't do shit for what's causing it. I liken it to taking an aspirin for a headache. I have a headache, I take an aspirine, headache goes away. aspirin wears off headache comes back take another aspirin headache goes away but the headache is a symptom of the underlying issue sooner or later I got to go and have my eyes tested or my blood checked or do something about what's causing the headache because taking the aspirin is not going to keep doing it and that's what the fellowship is all about and going to the meetings sooner or latter I've got to start working these steps to treat the disease otherwise cruising meetings doesn't work alcoholics hanging out with alcoholics doesn't do shit unless we've got the third factor which is for the purpose of recovery you can go down to any skid row and find that out go down in any skид row in any town, in any country you like and you'll find alcoholics hanging out with each other alcoholics have always hung out with each another they love hanging out with eachother don't do s**t not without the third factor which is for the purposes of recovery and we know that when alcoholics come together for the purpose of recovery God comes in our midst and creates a power greater than either of us so it's produced by us but it's greater than us and we can absolutely rely on it our book tells us so and I believe it and I'm living proof of it we have a way out that we can absolutely agree upon and it seems to work pretty damn good for alcoholics certainly does for this one so I liken it really as well to water you know H2O this water that we've got here, they're life-sustaining. The formula for water is H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, water. Life-sustainable. Same with us alcoholics. Two alcoholics, one God, power. Two alcoholcs, one God? Power. Now I have the power. What are you doing here? I've come here. What for? To believe. What in? A power grade myself. Why? To restore me to sanity. Restore you to sanity, what do you mean? Well, to be restored to sanity means you must be somewhere else other than sane. I'm from London, England. If I want to return or restore to London, I've got to be somewhere other than London. I can't return to London if I'm already there. So to be restore to sanity means I've gotta be somewhere else other then sane. Insane! What's the insanity we talk about? The insanity we talk about in Alcoholics Anonymous, whatever the precise and exact definition may or may not be what seems to be a cover in it for us is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result drinking so if I can be restored to sanity means I don't have to drink anymore I can come here be among you and not have to think about it I don' t have to have to drink anymore you show me it it's here the first meeting I ever went to the guy was insane leading the meeting there was a guy there with 30 years a guy where it was 4 months a girl there with 16 days there was alcoholics staying together and staying sober and not drinking what are you doing here I've come here to believe what in a power grade myself here it is right here not only could I be among you you know I could touch it feel it be a part of it and you guys told me we love you keep coming back wow alright so we come to the third step made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I've understood God well what a step so I'm powerless in the first step, in the second step I get shown a power, I have a power now I'm going to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I've understood God it's the first time God gets mentioned in the steps, inthe first two steps he doesn't mention higher power it doesn't mentioned Buddha or Jesus or any of that stuff, it says a power grading ourselves right here, now we come to the third It says, made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Because I've understood God. Understood. Not understand. Understood. Understood is a past tense word. It's a past sense word because the understanding has come from the second step. Understood. So what is my will in my life? If I'm going to decide to turn me over to God. my will and my life over to the power of God as I've understood God, I'd better know what that is. What is that? I ask folk, they don't know. What is your will and your life? Well, I guess it's what I'm going to do or thy will for me. And they don' t know. Well, it's important that we do know. If I'm gong to make a decision to turn my will and my wife over to care of God as I have understood God I'd rather have an understanding of God to do that with and I better know what my will and my life is. It's no good if I don't. And it can't be my life giving my life to God. That don't work. It don't say that anyway. It says to the care, not giving my wife to God, why would I give my life back to the giver of it? Why would I do that? If God gave me this life and this gift of life and gift of sobriety, why would i give it back to him? That wouldn't be nice, would it? To give a look of gift to us in the mouth. We don't like that. No one does. So if God gave me life, why would I give it back to him? It doesn't say that. It says to the care of God. Totally different thing. What is my will and my life? Well, we talked about a two-fold disease, mental and physical, mind and body. Same again, will and life. My will is my thinking. My life is my actions. Well, guess what? We've got to live in the now. We live inthe now. Why? Because it's N-O-W, no other way. Well, I've gotto live inthenow, but I don't seem to be able to live in the now most of the time because I'm carrying around all this guilt, shame and remorse from yesterday. It seems to screw up my now. I'm living in the know but I've got all this stuff going on that I regret and remorse and I've gotta live inthe now but I can't live inthenow because I'vegotallthisfearworryandanxietyabouttomorrow. I don' think I'm gonna get laid again and I don''tthink I'mgonnagetanymoney and goddammit man I don´tknowwhatthehellsgoingonforchrist'sake so I can´t live inthenow because I've got all this fear, worry and anxiety about tomorrow and I can't live in the now because I got all these guilt, shame and remorse from yesterday. And you know the old analogy if you got one foot in yesterday and one foot in the future, you're in the perfect position to pee on today. You know that? So what have I got to do? Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I've understood God. Well, if this is the source and this is the power, what is that? Well, here's the power that I'm going to come to you chaps. I'm gonna come to you guys and i'm going to ask you teach me what you do my thinking i'm going to learn what you tell me learn what you've done how have you done that will you teach me how to stay clean and sober that's my thinking i'm gonna come here and learn what you know how to do and then i'm gonna do it that's my action my will is my thinking my life is my action i'm gonna learn what you guys teach me and now i'm gonna do it it's a doing program it's a doing and a giving not getting it's a doing and a giving so my will is my thinking my life is my actions so i'm going to learn what you do and then i'm gonna do it because here's the power but i can't just do that just for what i'm doing now because i want the freedom of being able to release from the past and and fear of the future so it has to be threefold past present and future see my thinking is everything i wish i'd done would like to be doing and hope i'll do my actions is everything i did and doing and will do everything i have done and doing and will be past present and future otherwise i can't live in the now because i'm going to be carrying around guilt shame and remorse or fear worry and anxiety so i've got to make a decision to do all this over to that power what a concept holy shit but it ain't difficult is it not when we fully conceive. Not when we've got what we've got here, the tools of this program. This powerlessness. The powerlessness of not being able to do anything. The disease. The powerlessness of the disease. Any questions so far? Is this pretty simple stuff for you guys? It's not hard, is it? It's difficult. You know I play with words and it's just the way i described the now is now no other way for us there's no other way than staying in the now we have to stay in the now one day at a time that's where we 24 hours comes from that's why we say all that you know because anybody can carry their load for 24 hours it seems to be if if you were to tell me that i can't drink for the rest of my life you know i'd probably say can't i what's this mother you know if you tell me do you think you can just put the plug in the jug for a day well see you can't do that it seems to be what we know how to do the powerlessness i'm powerless over alcohol i'm powerless over this disease i'm powers over a disease called alcohol because it makes me do what i already don't want to do it makes me doing i have a disease that makes me do what I already don't want to do. And I can't just rely on choosing not to do it. I just can't do that. So now, what's that power going to consist of? The power that I come here to be among you. The power. What are you doing here? I've come here to be amongst you guys. God directed me here. Whatever you call God, I don't have any qualms with that none whatsoever you know god to me you know when i when i got to alcoholics anonymous the god of my understanding you know i've been raised a certain way and i don't criticize or judge that today but you know it didn't work for me when i Got Here i didn't have um an understanding like page 93 of the book says it says we he can have any concept he wants providing it makes sense to him now when i ask folk what is that that sense what is it the sense that makes sense for you what is the understanding perception of a power greater than yourself that make sense to you give it to me give me your understanding of god as you understand god give it explain it to be because he says provided it makes since to him Now, when I ask folk, it don't. They can't make sense. I say, what is it? And they go, well, it's God. I say、Well, what isthat? Well, what do you mean? What's God? Yeah, whatisit? Give it to me. Explain it tome. Tell me what makes sense toyou. Well, itgodsgod. Yeah, okay. I don't care what you call it. Call it what the hell you like. God is a noun. God is aname. Call it whatever you like I don' care whatyou call it Call it bloodymashiganovich if you like I don''t care You know I have no problem with you calling it what you like. I mean, I happen to like God because God to me is a group of drunks or a group of drug addicts. I like that. In the original concept of it for this alcoholic, it was like I used to hear people say God and what have you, and I didn't have any concept of God. The God that I'd been brought up with, the understanding I had of God, I mean long ago I'd abandoned that idea. I couldn't do nothing with that God. That God that i had been brought up with, that was a fearful, punishing, threatening God. I mean, that God was out to get me on every level. No matter what I did, I was going to be gotten for it. I mean, I couldn't even play with the old ding-a-ling, for Christ's sake. They said, you play with that God and he'll strike you blind. Oh, shoot. Well, you know I did anyway. when i found out how good it felt i thought well i'll risk one eye see i wanted a softer easier way even then you see but i long ago abandoned that god i wasn't going to go for none of that punishing threatening god i didn't understand a god of your understanding which you was telling me about no one had ever said that to me until i came here i didnít know that I could have a God walk in the sunlight of the Spirit? I didn't know anything about that. I had this fearful, and I wasn't going to do nothing with that, but little things along the way helped me as the process started working. And I used to walk around with this book, and I didn'T feel like I was very spiritual. And I'm a puker for Christ's sake. I talked about it last night. I'm not a pucker. I don't know whether there's any pukers there or not, but I'ma puka. I puke, man. and I ain't no dribble arse puker I'm a no, I'm a directional puking me like that, I can make arches man, like that and you know, I would be full of like the devil and I was just crazy and insane and I didn't feel no spirituality when I got to AA I was like, you know full of the devil and this evil and puky I felt like goddamn Linda Blair, for Christ's sake. You know what I mean? And one day I was just so incensed, I went, get out, devil! And I yelled, getoutdevil, and I went oh my God, G-O-D, get Out Devil, that's God. They said I can have any God I like, that's what I'm going to do, I'm gonna use God's name to dispel the devil that's in me. And I used to walk around holding this book going, God, getOutDevil, getOUTDevil. God, God, God get out devil. And I don't know what you guys thought but I didn't really care either. I mean I was just wrapped up in me you know. And then I heard somebody say God could mean good orderly direction. And holy shit that sounds good. They said I can have any God I like. I'm going to upgrade to that God now. That's what I'm gonna have good order direction. That's who I'll have. Good order ah group of drunks oh I like that I like that too I'll add that down And it was go on dreaming. They said you can have a God of anything, beyond your wildest dreams. Okay, God can be good all the direction. Go on dreaming, wow that's far out, I'm going to change to that. And gradually over a long period of time, I have a god of my understanding that makes complete and utter sense to me, that I completely understand, just like the beautiful book says I must. Provided it makes sense to him. now I don't know about you but I'm going to describe and I don' t think I've done this before but I will see how we're doing something here I have a God of my understanding that makes complete sense to me on every level on every situation that is indisputable and stands the test over every denomination I never had it when I got here it's been of the educational variety like the book talks about. See, I got involved with some Native Americans and they taught me some stuff and it works for me. It just works for my life. I love it. I love the concept. Now, I'm a basic meat and potatoes man. I'm an human being. I'm skin and bone. Well, I've got a two-fold disease, mind and body, mental and physical. Now, my imagery, my mental picture of that great creator of the God of my understanding is of the great creator like the Native American taught me of the Great Creator, the Great Spirit that created everything from the smallest leaf on the smallest blade of grass to the Empire State Building or whatever and he loved everything just as much as everything else and he made everybody and everything and everything's just as important as everything and I love that, that works for me father sky provided mother earth for our needs he provided us for brothers and sisters and i love that that's my family father sky mother earth brothers and sister's family f-a-m-i-l-y father and mother i love you that works for me that'smymentalimagerythat'smypicturethat's my vision that's what's in my mind but i'm a meat and potatoes guy some days i'm so goddamn wacky I just like got to get with somebody with skin around it for Christ's sake and I can come here and be among you and sit among you and be a part of you me plus you is a power greater than myself and we can do the deal here that's my humanness so I have a mental and a physical aspect of a power great as myself that I can absolutely rely on and makes complete sense to me under all circumstances and at two o'clock in the morning when the demons are screaming I can rely on it I don't know whether you know about the demons or not but I do you know when those voices go off in your head you know those voices that talk to you and you just it's like that rotisserie and your mind is just going round and round and around and the voices are going off you know the voices I'm talking about the voices that just said to you what voices? those bloody voices you know these voices see and when they're working at me I can turn to that power and it sustains me so I have the first three steps down I'm powerless over alcohol I'm powerless because in and of myself I have no power but am I in and out of myself I'm not powerless today when you read your first step does it say I am powerless and my life is unmanageable my step doesn't say that I hear people around here say that but I'm NOT my step says we admitted we were powerless and that my life had become unmanageable that's past tense because once I fully conceded and once I turned to the power having hit bottom and asked for the help the power immediately sprung into action and guided me to you now I've got the power that I've always known about working in my life as far as alcohol is concerned and now I have a 12 step fellowship here that I can come and be among now I am a big book Alcoholics Anonymous now the big book teaches me about 12 spiritual steps I have a design for living A blueprint for life For Christ's sake I've got to sponsor I sponsor other people I have an idea I have my way out I have the way of life Am I powerless? I'm not powerless today Why would I say I am powerless? I know I hear people say that But I don't I'm no powerless today When I say that I am powerless That's the disease talking in me That's a disease getting me to fail To recognize the power that's in my life In and of myself I would be powerless But I'm not in and of my self And I ain't going nowhere If I'm in and off my self That means I've separated from God And if me and God are separated Who moved? I ain'T going nowhere I'm staying right here I'm stayin' right here among you guys I'm NOT powerless today I have a power greater than myself And when the disease wants me to believe that I'm powerless That's the disease working on me because it isn't true and I'm not going to say that and I am not going to deny that power that is working in my life do I believe in miracles do I believe in miracles I absolutely depend on miracles absolutely and I stand before you a miracle I am not some hip happening dude I am a common garden variety drunk I come out of a nut ward for the criminally insane I come out of blackouts chained down in nut wards for the criminally insane on five point restraint puking straight up in the air on murder charges that I don't even know about and that's what happened to me I came out of a blackout on five point restraint on a murder charge and a 21 year old man's dead and I don' t know what the hell's gone on for Christ's sake I am probably one of the few people that know what OJ feels about that because I went to the court of the London Old Bailey in London, England, the Central Criminal Court and we lied and cheated and manipulated that court and perjured. Perjury to me was as natural as breathing I never knew anybody who went to court and told the truth including the cops and I went to court and we lying and cheating and manipulating that murder trial and I got found not guilty on a self-defense plea I come out of blackouts chained down I don't come out happy, joyous and free And I distinctly remember when I stood in that court And that prosecuting council And in England they hung you then They sentenced you to be hung And that Prosecuting council looked at me like that And he addressed the jury And he said Members of the jury he said On behalf of our sovereign lady the queen The people of the British Isles Members ofthe United Kingdom The British Empire and the Commonwealth of Nations we demand the ultimate penalty on that man we demand that he be sentenced to hang from the neck until dead for the commonwealth of nations they wanted me dead and I can remember looking at that man going you rotten bastard that's a lot of people for the commonwealth of nations for their common good they wanted me dead Well, it kind of helps me today when one of you lot get pissed off at me. I've been pissed off that by nations, man. Helps me deal with that a little bit. But I'm an alcoholic. I got found not guilty of that charge and I walked. And my brother came and picked me up and we got on the top of the stairs of the old Bailey in London, England and I looked right across the road and there was a pub. It's still there. It's called The Solicitors. In England we call lawyers solicitors. and we went straight across the road to celebrate getting found not guilty and do what had put me there in the first place, drinking. That's insane, folks. The very next day I went and picked up my friend who got released from the two-year sentence that I'd just been found. This all happened six weeks after coming out of a maximum security prison sentence. My buddy who I was with got released the very next day i went to a maximum security prison and picked him up i'm out from the murder charge one day i pick him up that morning we went straight from picking him up at the maximum security prison to his brother's yard his brother had a scrap metal yard and we walked in and kit said oh boys he said what a good what a great result he said mick it's so good to see you got chucked on the murder yesterday far out because where i come from the bigger road you are the better of esteem you got. They thought it was great. His brother had just got out of maximum security prison. We said, Kip, we need a set of bolt cutters. He said, set of bulk cutters? What the hell for? We said we've got to go on a robbery. He says, you just got outta prison. I said, yeah, but we've gotta one to go in. He say, you guys are nuts. I said well that's what we got to do that's insane that is insane to come out of a maximum security prison and but how insane is it is it any worse insane or any less insane than the jaywalker i'm no no special event here i'm just carrying a message based in the first three steps and we've got to wrap this up and if there's not any questions i guess that's about it is that about it dick over there i guess it is you know i thank you for your attention and i thank you for you know inviting me here my telephone number is 818 area code are you sober r-u-s-o-b-e-r actually translate to 787-6237 i don't know whether you're an alcoholic or not i am but i have heard some laughter here and if you want a clue as to whether you is or whether you isn't you better not have laughed in here today because you may have caught this disease they say if you're laughing you're relating and if your relating to a sicko like me there ain't no doubt about you pal because i don't get through to no well people well people don't laugh at my shit you people laugh with me and for that i'm really grateful and i thank you for that and god bless you keep coming back thank Thank you.