Mental Obsession and Spiritual Malady – BB Workshop – Part 4 of 14 – Bill L.

Hi everybody, my name is Phil Lashley. I'm an alcoholic. Happy Wednesday to you. I was just sharing with somebody before the meeting that I had one of those days where I actually asked somebody what day it was today. So, um, I guess just again review, which will actually be one of the last times, if not the last time, that we do a review of everything. Um, We started so long ago talking about the circle and triangle. I guess just to quickly touch upon that, what was interesting to me about the cycle and triangle was that I didn't realize that AA's solution to alcoholism had three parts. But the triangle sides talk about recovery, which is the program or the steps. It talks about unity, which is the fellowship and meetings and interaction with other AAs. And then the right side of it talks about service which is giving back not only in AA but also in all of our affairs at work, at home testing strangers in the street. And in seeing that AA solution to alcoholism has three parts first I need to realize that it has three parts but I also need to ask myself am I involved in all three parts then we touched upon three aspects of step one which we should be finishing tonight there's the book actually starts talking about the physical aspect of it and then it gets into the mental part and then the spiritual malady which I guess is what the whole handout is dedicated to lately a few of us have dedicated a lot of time in regard to the spiritual malady simply because we wanted to have more information on it but also to open the eyes of people around us with regard to you hear it talked about but what is it and what does it look like and what Does It Look Like When It's Lacking In Our Lives and hopefully in the past week with the spiritual malady exercise you guys got a little bit of a snapshot of what our current condition is spiritually. But the book touches upon physical first and the way an alcoholic is different than a non-alcoholic is that there's two parts of it physically as I see it that when an alcoholic takes alcohol into their body, they set off a craving where they want more alcohol. The book refers to it as an allergy, which is an abnormal reaction. A normal person who's not an alcoholic drinks alcohol. They just have a couple of drinks and they don't want any more. It also gives them an out-of-control beginning of a nauseating, slightly tipsy, I don't like this, I didn't want anymore kind of a feeling. For an alcoholic, when we drink alcohol, we get an in-control, ease and comfort. I like this. I want more of a kind of feeling. And that's why we turn to it again and again. And then we set off the craving where we want more. So it's sort of a vicious cycle that our mind tells us to take the drink because it will help us deal with life. And then as soon as we have a few drinks, then our body can't get enough of it. it also talks about the mental aspect of it which I guess I just touched upon a little bit but we sort of have a mind that doesn't see that what we're about to do is harmful all it sees is that you know if I take a drink I'll get some comfort to deal with my inner condition which is unmanageable and uncomfortable and we don't see all the problems that it causes us once we start and spiritually which I guess we'll get into a little bit more today. And then, you know, that exercise kind of pointed it out and the handout just kind of does it pretty much whatever our discussion will lack, the handout will probably just reiterate again and again. The book talks about that the root of our trouble is that we're selfish and self-centered, that the world revolves around us. People don't live up to our expectation. It's all about me. People aren't acting the way I want them to. I have a lot of fear. And that inner condition triggers the mental aspect of alcoholism that, you know what, if I have it, if I drink, it'll help me with that. And then I go back to drinking and then I have the physical aspect. So there's that whole revolving issue of physically we can't stop once we start. Mentally, our mind doesn't tell us that what we're about to do is going to be harmful or not a good idea. As a matter of fact, in some cases it tells us it's the right thing to do or it's a good idea. And spiritually, because of the way we live a self-centered, selfish, fearful, inconsiderate, dishonest life that brings about inner turmoil and that leads us to our mind telling us if we take a drink it will help us with that so that's sort of a little bit of a review of one Bill's story is really just the first chapter is just an example of the problem. The doctor's opinion describes pretty much what I just talked about with the three parts of alcoholism there is a solution gives us some history and points us in a direction of what the solution which is a power great in ourselves that will work in and through us. And right now we're in the middle of more about alcoholism. An important statement in more about alcoholism is on page 35 at the top of the page it says that, so we shall describe some of the mental states that precedes a relapse into drinking for obviously that is the crux of the problem. Crux means the perplexing difficulty. So the stories that we're going to read tonight, and there's two. We're going to read the Jay Walker and the story of Fred, which is one of my favorite stories. Actually, both of those are pretty cool. Keep this in mind, that they're talking about the mental state that precedes the first drink. They're not talking about people, places, and things. They'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE BUT THE MENTAL STATE THAT PRECEDES THE FIRST DRINK. Also, last week, we did the gym story, which begins just below that on page 35, where it says our first example, the second paragraph there, it says, Our first example is a friend we shall call Jim. And later in his story, the next paragraph, it says we told him what we knew of alcoholism and the answer we had found. So they told him about alcoholism. They told him About the mental, physical, and spiritual. They told them about the fact that if he has an alcoholic mind, that his willpower isn't enough to keep him away from drinking. And it says he made a beginning, so he started getting into some of the steps. a couple lines later it says all went well for a time but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life i had shared last week uh that for me that statement describes every single person who has ever gone back out what the problem was and something i forgot to mention last week is that's actually supported later on in the book on page 120 in the chapter two wives in the first full paragraph this is what it says it says though it is infinitely better that they're talking about a person's husband it's infinitely better that your husband have no relapse at all as has been true with many of our men it is by no means a bad case in some a bad thing in some cases your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive so the book even gives us information on what we're supposed to do if we relapse. So for me, that's an interesting part of the book because I've never heard anybody draw attention to it and it's almost like our literature doesn't necessarily discuss that in detail like that sentence just did. So I just wanted to throw that out because I didn't mention it last week. And then that brings us to the bottom of page 37 which is where we left off last week which is the story of the jaywalker. Hi everyone, I'm Mike I'm an alcoholic just clean my glasses so I can see now before we get into the jaywalker Bill had once again touched on the top of page 35 about some of the mental states that precede a relapse in the drinking and one day I just very quickly went through this chapter so I'm probably not touching all the areas but I quickly went though the chapter and just mark down what are some of the mental states that this chapter refers to that either is there right before we pick up the drink or some of them are in the middle. What are the mental States that lead us into picking up a drink? And just to highlight a few of them from this chapter, from page 32, belief we can drink like other people. From page 36, the book refers to it as suddenly. The thought, the drink comes on suddenly. 37 and 38 describe something called jaywalking. 42 talks about a strange mental blank spot. And then scattered throughout the chapter, it talks about nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy, etc. so again that really makes clear to me that I need spirituality I need a conscious contact with a power greater than myself and I need a clear mind and I want to get rid of the rubbish in my mind so I don't end up in one of those strange mental blank spots and wonder why I'm beating on the bar a couple hours later and not knowing even how I got there. Anyone in here ever hear of a sober blackout? You know, just all of a sudden waking up with a bottle in your hand? I haven't personally experienced that, stone cold sober, but I have heard people who have gone through that and they just come too drunk or they just become sober. They come out of a silver blackout. I've been sober all the time. Yeah. That's not exactly what I meant, but that happens to a lot of us. All right, so let's get into the reading for tonight. Like Bill had said, what we hope to cover is to complete this chapter. And page 44 really sets us up with a nice review of the first step as it relates to the physical and mental aspects. And then we'll get a little bit into the spiritual malady. And, of course, page 52 is about the best reference that we have found that describes the spiritual Malady. By the way, just to touch on one thing I was reminded as Bill Was doing the review That When this The first edition of the big book Was published And I believe it was in every single Printing of the first edition The doctor's opinion was page 1 Now if you look at it The doctor'S opinion is in the Roman numeral section and Bill's story as page one. There is, and has been for quite a number of years now, a movement within the fellowship to get those page numbers back to the way the text originally was in the first edition. And for anyone who feels strongly about that and for anyone whose passionate about that And for anyone who's like me, when I first got here, I didn't even read Roman numerals, so I just totally passed over the doctor's opinion. So for anyone Who feels strongly about that, I believe it's in Bayonne this Saturday, our area, which is Area 44, is having a mini-conference, and that's going to be one of the topics brought up. And what happens at the mini-conferences is that the delegate gets a consensus of all the GSRs in northern New Jersey and then brings back that consensus to the general service conference, which is going to be in a couple weeks in New York. And that's where all the delegates from the U.S. and Canada get together and talk about these topics that affect AA. Okay, so that's going to be one of the topics. Do you have like a password or anything like that? No, I don't have a password. For anyone who's first time here tonight, I want to first of all welcome you. And just so you're not left in the dark, Bill and I usually go for an hour. We usually go to about 830, and then it is a 90-minute meeting, so we open it up for 30 minutes at the end for all you to share with us. So let's get going with the jaywalker, page 37, last paragraph. Our behavior is absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a person saved for jaywalking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. he enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings now see if you can relate this parable so to speak, to your own drinking up to this point, you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun I don't know about you all but people used to make those kind of remarks in respect to my drinking luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. I think the key words in that sentence is, if you were normal. Presently he has hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital, a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he's decided to stop jaywalking for good. Can anyone relate? But in a few weeks, he breaks both legs. I promise, this time I mean it, I will never ever jaywalk again. I swear to you, sweetheart. I'm done with those trolley cars. On through the years, his conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to moderate his jaywalking or to keep off the streets altogether or to stop. Again, relates to our drinking. Finally, he can no longer work. His wife gets a divorce and he has held up the ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalker idea out of his head. He's not trying to get the jayswalker idea out of this body because the main problem of the alcoholic and obviously the main problem of a jaywalker centers in the mind or centers in the head rather than in the body. He shuts himself up in an asylum hoping to mend his ways but the day he comes out, he races in front of a fire engine which breaks his back Anyone ever get out of rehab or detox and races right over to the bar? Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he? You may think our illustration is too ridiculous, but is it? We who have been through the ringer have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jaywalking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects where alcoholism has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language, but isn't it true? some of us are thinking yes, what you tell us is true but it doesn't fully apply I'm only kind of alcoholic something I like asking about the jaywalker story is this guy's problem that he's a little bit older and a little slower or is this guys problem that his mind keeps telling him to go back out onto route 78 I think it's an important distinction we admit we have some of these symptoms but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did nor are we likely to for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through drinking and we certainly do not intend to. I love this, thanks for the information. I'll see you in a month when I get out of detox. That may be true of certain non-alcoholic people who, though drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. And again, we see that type of fellow on the top of page 21, the hard drinker. But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. Again, italicized writing and Bill's not holding any words back there. He says absolutely unable to stop drinking on the base of self knowledge. And that means my own self knowledge or the self knowledge that you give me. It's almost like me knowing that my car is broken doesn't get it fixed. I have to take some actions to get it fix. Me knowing about it doesn't fix it. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize To smash home upon our alcoholic readers As it has been revealed to us out of our bitter experience Let us take another illustration We're going to talk about Fred If you remember last week Jim wasn't necessarily having a good day When he suddenly thought that a drink would be a good idea He had a few words with the boss, nothing serious and then he kind of went out looking for a person he could find to buy a car. Fred, you'll find out in a few pages, is having a great day. But let's get into the Fred story. Fred is a partner in a well-known accounting firm. His income is good. He has a fine home, is happily married, and the father promising children of college age. He has so attractive a personality that he makes friends with everyone. If ever there was a successful businessman, it is Fred. To all appearances, he is a stable and well-balanced individual, yet he is an alcoholic. We first saw Fred about a year ago in the hospital where he had gone to recover from a bad case of the jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was an alcoholic, he told himself that he had come to the hospital to rest his nerves. And as we all know, there's lots of nerve resters in the house. hospital and also fred didn't friend didn't believe nor admit to himself that he was an alcoholic so fred then even do the first step uh jim were led to believe did the first couple steps so frett didn't even do any of the steps you'll see that in a couple lines the doctor intimated or suggested strongly that he might be worse than he realized for a few days he was depressed about his condition, he made up his mind so that his willpower, which we saw earlier doesn't work. He made up His mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so in spite of his character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic. Step one. Much less accept the spiritual remedy for his problem. Step two. So he doesn't need step two because he doesn' t even take step one. We told him what we knew about alcoholism. So again, notice the 12-step work there. And throughout this story we'll be pointing out the 12 step work of the 12 step people back then. They told them what the difference is between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic. The book continues, he was interested and conceded or admitted that he had some of the symptoms but he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it himself. So Fred is a little bit alcoholic but his life is manageable. Which is something that I've heard again and again in years. He was positive that this humiliating experience plus the knowledge he had acquired, so self-knowledge is enough he's thinking. Would keep him sober the rest of his life, self-knowledge would fix it and like we saw in Bill's story, it didn't work for an alcoholic We heard no more of Fred for a while One day we were told that he was back in the hospital This time he was quite shaky He soon indicated he was anxious to see us The story he told was most instructive, for here is a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking, who had no excuse for drinking who exhibited splendid judgment and determination and all of his other concerns, yet was flat on his back nevertheless. So again, he could use his willpower to deal with other problems, but with alcoholism it just didn't seem to work. Let him tell you about it. I was much impressed with what you fellows said about alcoholism. Again, notice the 12-step work here. He's describing it. I was very impressed with your ideas about the subtle insanity which precedes the first drink, but I was confident, so self-knowledge and self-will again, that it could not happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned, which is self- knowledge again and self will, I was not so far advanced as most of you fellows that I had been usually successful at licking my other personal problems and that I would therefore be successful where you men had failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident that it would be only a matter of exercising my willpower and keeping on guard. Now again, earlier it said that they're going to describe the mental state that precedes the first drink. So this is the first description of this guy's mental state. It says, in this frame of mind, I went about my business and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks and began to wonder if I had been making too hard work of a simple matter. So he's a little cocky and he's little self-contained here. One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government bureau. So this guy was not a low bottom. He had an incredible job and he interacted with a government Bureau in regard to counting. So again, he didn't have a low bottom necessarily. I had been out of town before during that particular dry spell. There was nothing new about that. Physically, I felt fine. And there he's describing some of his inner state. He was fine, F-I-N-E, which stands for effed up, immature, neurotic, and emotional, if you didn't know. Neither did he... And notice his further mental state. Neither did I have any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well. I was pleased and knew my partner would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. So Fred is having a good day. Something I've also, the reason why I love this story so much better than the gym story is that a lot of people think that if I'm okay today, then I'm all right. I've got this alcohol thing at bay for now. And when I start having problems, that's when I should watch out for my alcohol problem or my mental state kicking back in. The gym story showed that that did happen, but this Fred guy is having a wonderful day. He had no reason to suspect that he would have a suddenly right after this. He was not hungry. He was Not angry. He was No lonely. He was no tired. Although that is good advice about, you know, looking at her anger and inner condition, even when that's not going on, our mind can still convince us that a drink is okay. So Fred's having a good day. It said, I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner. As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all, nothing more. So suddenly, that's when his mind starts convincing him that a drink would be a good idea. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another cocktail. After dinner, I decided to take a walk. When I returned to the hotel, it struck me, so he has another suddenly, that a highball would be fine before going to bed. So I stepped into the bar and had one. I remembered having several more that night and plenty more the next day. I had a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane bound for New York and of finding a friendly taxi cab driver at the landing field instead of my wife. The driver escorted me about for several days. I know little of where I went or what I said and did. Then came the hospital with unbearable mental and physical anguish or suffering. So he's in a little bit of a blackout here, and why don't you pick up that? And I love this next line. As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time, I had not even thought of the consequences at all. And again, that kind of plays into that sober blackout that I was making reference to before. that just dispels the whole theory that I thought was the case when I first came around here like Bill was talking about if you're having a bad day you better be on guard or if it's raining that's why I drank or if the team lost that's what I drank and my experience is that I can drink on a good day. I can Drink if the sun is shining. I can Drink if the team wins. I candrink if she leaves. I canDrink ifshe stays. I don't think alcohol cares much about what my emotional state is whether I drink it again or not. So he says, I commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me how they prophesied or predicted that if I had an alcoholic mind the time and place would come I would drink again they had said so again notice the 12 step work there they told him that if you're an alcoholic your parents self knowledge is enough they had said that though I did raise a defense it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink you know again it's that whole bit of just think the drink through and we're going to kind of I mean that may be a good suggestion but the bottom of 43 when we get to it in another page and a half is going to smash that delusion well just that did happen and more for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all You know, again, all his self-knowledge is of no avail when the mental obsession or a strange mental blank spot or insanity hits. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. and you know in this case this relapse that Jim had excuse me this relapsed that Fred had he actually learned something from it and I don't mean the learning of the educational variety or the self knowledge variety because what he says here I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind he wasn't convinced that he was alcoholic before this episode So I'm not suggesting to anyone that it's necessary to relapse in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I like to point this out to the person who comes back and is really regretful and is really beaten themselves up over having went back out again and I try to bring them back to places in the book like this where if you've learned something from it, if you're experienced something from it and if you can take the first step now at a deeper level then it was an experience. And unfortunately for some of us It's a necessary experience. So he knew from that moment he had an alcoholic mind, and he saw that willpower and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then it was a crushing blow. Two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me, And as far as I can tell, this whole paragraph here is nothing but one big 12-step tip. First it says, two members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. Remember, when we do 12-stepped calls, we go in pairs. We go with at least two people. They grinned, which I didn't like so much. And they asked me if I thought myself alcoholic again. Was he buying step one? and if I were really licked this time. What Dr. Bob would ask them is that, are you willing to quit drinking for good and for all? Not just one day at a time. We have a desire to stop drinking for goodness and for good for all, for all time's sake. And the way we do that is by living our program one day ahead of time. So we quit drinking, for good, and for a while. hopefully, and we live one day at a time. And I always thought it was the other way around. What's interesting about that is that there's a different motivation behind that. If I'm just looking to not drink today, I could probably do that without doing much of anything. But if I'm looking to no drink for the rest of my life, there are certain actions I need to take today in order to bring that about. So there's an all-different motivation involved there with the whole twist on the one day-at-a-time thing. So, again, they asked him, one, if he thought himself an alcoholic and two, if he was really licked this time. And he says, I had to concede both propositions. He had no choice. He knew it. He had to admit to both of those propositions that the two members of AA who 12-stepped them piled on him heaps of evidence to the effect that an that an alcoholic mentally, such as I had exhibited in Washington, was a hopeless condition. They cited cases out of their own experience by the dozen. Again, we tell the new man our story so he can relate and then get him to tell bits and pieces of his story. This process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction that I could do the job myself. So what he's saying is before they even went into 12-stepdom, he knew he was powerless. He knew he wasn't an alcoholic. But through the good 12-stepped work that they did with Fred, they snuffed out, they got rid of the last little bit of reservation that he had that he could lift this thing on his own. So again, we probably won't be able to emphasize enough the importance of good 12-step work. So again another tip. They outlined the spiritual answer and the program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully. So what they did was they briefly outlined the 12-stepped program of actions to them. though I had been only a nominal churchman their proposals were not intellectually hard to swallow but the program of action though entirely sensible was pretty drastic and that's very true so he said, I've got to make amends to everybody? I've gotta tell someone else everything I did it meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out the window again, the importance of the set-aside prayer which we unfortunately didn't start with this evening that was not easy but the moment I made up my mind man, I'm having a real hard time reading this evening that was nicht easy but the minute I made my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved as in fact it proved to be. Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. I think that's a pretty important statement. Not just my drinking problem. I have since been brought into a way of living, not just a way of not drinking, but a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. Now get this statement. I would Not Go Back to It Even If I Could. Think about that. Fred says that I would NOT go back to that old way of living, to that all-alcoholic lifestyle, drinking, the unmanageability, the insanity. He would not go back to that even if he could. Even if he was a drunkard, even if we could drink successfully, he would not come back to it at all. And I like to hook that statement into page 57. And you don't have to turn there, but what it says is that the gentleman who's telling this story says seemingly he could not drink even if he would God had restored his sanity so Fred says that he wouldn't go back to it even if he could and the gentleman over in We Agnostic says seemingly he could not drink event even if he would pretty interesting Fred's story speaks for himself we hope it strikes home to thousands like him We have felt only the first nip of the ringer. Most alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they really commence to solve their problems, and that's very true. Many doctors and psychiatrists agree with our conclusions. One of these men, staff member of the world-renowned hospital, recently made this statement to some of us. What you say about the general hopelessness of the average alcoholic's plight is, in my opinion, correct. As the two of you men whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless. Apart from divine health. Had you offered yourselves as patients at this hospital, I would not have taken you if I had been able to avoid it. People like you are too heartbreaking. Though not a religious person, I have profound respect for the spiritual approach in such cases as yours. For most cases, there is virtually no other solution. So that's a good question to ask ourselves as it relates to the first step and kind of catapulting us into the second step. Is there any other solution for me? Is there anything else? Is there another solution for you other than Alcoholics Anonymous and Spiritual Living? Maybe psychiatry can do it for me. Maybe shock treatments can do this for me maybe just exercise and good health. B-12, that'll work for me. Self-help books. Self-health books. I hate to mention those because I have a house full of them. So I ask myself, in my case, do I have any other solution but to do the work in this big book and to get involved with the fellowship and to go out from there and carry this message to other alcoholics which is our third legacy of service this is probably I've probably harped on this last paragraph of 43 in AA meetings more than any other section of this book and once I read it maybe you can tell why once more which means he probably repeated himself in different ways a gazillion times, the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink, except in a few rare cases. Neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a higher power. Now Now notice we read over on page 24 a very similar statement, which said, the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure have lost the power of choice and drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. Here's the statement I was referring to. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness or our thinking which sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago, we are without defense against the first drink. So, if I have no effective mental defense only at certain times, that's suggesting that maybe at other certain times I do have an effective mental offense. And that's the scary part of this deal for me because maybe sometimes I can use my willpower, maybe sometimes I can use my desire to not drink to quote, to drink the think-through I've tried that too to think the drink-through maybe sometimes I can think the think through maybe sometimes I can't think about all the pain humiliation suffering what it's going to do to my family what it is going to be what it will do to me on the job I'm going to lose all my AA cronies on and on and off maybe I'll think of that stuff sometimes. But here's the scary part. Here's where this whole self-knowledge bit and not overcoming the mental obsession is like playing Russian roulette. At certain times, I may not be able to think the drink through. And the real scary thing for a guy like me is I don't get to call the shots. I don'T know when those certain times are going to be. I don't know when I'm going to be just a little ticked off at the boss like Jim and then end up at a roadside place just because I was hungry and all of a sudden I'm mixing whiskey with my milk. I don'T KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO END UP LIKE FRED AND I'M HAVING A HOP ALONG HOP SCOTCH SKIPPING THROUGH THE TULIPS GOING THROOUGH THE FRESH HOLE THANKING THE GOD OF THE HEAVENS THAT EVERYTHING IS SO GREAT and all of a sudden I end up with a drink in my hand, through my lips and down my throat and I go back to the hospital because once again I have a bad case of the jitters that's a scary thing for a guy like me because I have no unearthly idea when I'm going to be able to think the drink through so I don't even mess with that anymore I don' t even suggest that anymore and except when I' m going through a tirade like this I don't even draw attention to that anymore. And that's why we've so much focused on this spiritual malady stuff, because for us it's not the first drink that gets us drunk. It's our mind telling us it is okay to take that first drink that gets you drunk. Once my mind doesn't see that what I am about to do is not a harmful thing, or if I don' t see that what I'm about to be doing is going to be harmful or not a good idea, there is no one that can stop me from taking that first drank. The relapse starts well before. The cool thing about those two stories is those things that we pointed out at the beginning. Jim made a beginning, but he didn't do all of it. Fred didn't make a beginning. He didn't think he was an alcoholic. He didn' t think he had to do anything. He thought he could just think it through and not do anything more than that. So their relapses started back when those things were going on, not when the time came when that drink was in their hands. So, you know, this spiritual malady, which releases the mental aspect of it, is why people with 25 years that you've heard that have perhaps gone back out, you know, with getting into this spiritual malady, first of all it creates a desperation in seeking a solution for it, but it also explains, you know. Why somebody would, with 20, 25 years, 15 years, 10 years would go back to drinking because their inner condition is so uncomfortable that drinking is going to help them with it and their mind just doesn't see the truth about it anymore. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being, which includes the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, because our fellowship is made up of human beings, can provide such a mental defense against the first drink. Now on the next page I give sort of a review of step one. We're not going to get into e-agnostics, But let's look at this review because it's also part of step one. Page 44, just that first paragraph there. It says in the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. And now it's going to describe it. So that's talking about the mental aspect of it. And then two, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, which is talking about the allergy and the craving for more once we start, it says you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Like it says in How It Works, probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism. So that's a little bit of a review of what we just touched upon in the preceding chapters in regard to step one. What do you want to do about spiritual? Start with 52 and just go wherever you feel like. All right. Part of what we're going to touch upon now is sort of a review of the spiritual description and what it looks like. All of this is in your packet. You don't have to necessarily turn there, but all of it is in your packet The first reference, if you remember, in the doctor's opinion talks about that we're restless, irritable, and discontented unless we can at once experience that first drink and that ease and comfort that comes when we take the first drink. That restlessness, irritability, and discontentedness is describing that inner feature of us being spiritually blocked off. When I'm self-centered and being run by fear and dishonesty and selfishness, that's what my inner condition is going to look like. But if you turn to page 52, it probably describes in the best way in the shortest sort of squatty paragraph listing a bunch of things what the spiritual malady looks like. Right in the middle of page 52, the first sentence there just kind of gives us some general, it's just a general sentence. But the next, the first line or the second line of the middle paragraph says the following. And let me personalize this because I need to ask myself is this my current condition? It says I was having trouble with personal relationships including the one with myself. i couldn't control my emotional nature ever have up and down days i was a prey to misery and depression something i like adding there too is that underlying doesn't seem to go away sense of sadness um that describes 32 years of my life i always had this underlying sense of sadness that i could just never shake and there were moments that i didn't have it there were glimpses of relief from it but it was just this underlying never really goes away sense of sadness and i like adding it to that description there it says i couldn't make a living which not only includes finances and work but also includes making a successful life i had a feeling of uselessness i was full of fear i was unhappy i couldnít seem to be of real help to other people even though my entire life i always wanted to be i always want to be a good person i always wants to help other people and every time mostly every time i tried it would end up blowing up in my face and i had no idea why and then it says something that's kind of interesting it says was not a basic solution of these bedevilments and the word bedevillments means to torment maliciously and again bill used the perfect word to describe a certain situation more important than it talks about the news or outer stuff, isn't it more important that we get that calm on the inside than finding it outside or anything that's happening outside of us so it's sort of alluding to the fact that we need to be a whole lot more focused on our spiritual condition than we are on lots of other things because how we're doing on the insides is how we'll see things on the outside and if we're good on the insides, stuff on the outsides isn't going to affect us as much so that's one of the another one of the descriptions of the spiritual malady and what it looks like what's interesting is that how we hear it in the rooms usually is you know I just don't seem to fit in I'm not comfortable here you kind of get a sense of they'll put it in different words and what's interesting is that for three and a half years this was my condition on the inside and I hadn't had a drink in three and a half years And to be honest with you, I wouldn't really wish that on anyone because it was a pretty twisted state on the inside. And I started heading toward a drink. I started hitting toward a drinking or taking my life. And I was fortunate enough to kind of a series of events occurred because I finally realized that, you know what? Drinking isn't my problem here because I haven't had a drink in three and a half years. My best thinking is my problem because I'm still hurting people. I'm Still at risk of losing my job because I am scamming, cheating, lying, and coming in late. I'm still pushing people away. I'm full of fear and anxiety and depression. I can't blame drugs and alcohol for this anymore. I haven't had a drink in three and a half years. That was when I started seeing that there were these deeper levels, mental as well as especially spiritual, that I needed to be dealing with. Like I said, there was a series of events that occurred. I got involved in a big book study. I started doing the work out of the book and my whole life just changed because I finally dealt with what the problem really was because that's the stuff that drives us back to drinking. So that's, I guess, a couple descriptions of the spiritual morality. You want to touch upon some more? On page 37 it talks about nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy, and the like. In step three it talks that we're like the actor who's trying to run the whole show and we're always coordinating and trying to get the people around us to act the way we think they should and that not only will we be happy if they do that but they'll be happy too and that life will be wonderful if everybody acts the way I want them to. If that doesn't describe a self-centered person playing God, I don't know what does. And that's another description of what the spiritual malady looks like. There's many descriptions in the book and pretty much all of them are captured in the handout. So we just wanted to throw that out as well because that's the third aspect of alcoholism that people don't necessarily talk about much and don't really notice, and it's kind of subtle. But, you know, again, it explains why people with a lot of time go back out. It explains why, although maybe I haven't had a drink in a while, why is it that I'm so uncomfortable on the inside? And, you Know, a lot OF people think that, You know, the insanity were all those crazy things that we did when we were out there, and a lot Of people think That the unmanageability, like when I heard the first step, what I internalized when I heard the first step read was that I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and that when I'm drinking, my life is unmanageable. That was what I internalized when I read that. But in looking at the spiritual malady stuff, I started seeing that I haven't had a drink in a while and my life isn't manageable and I can't blame alcohol for that. And that was the condition of my spirit being, my spiritual condition being blocked off and not living a spiritual life and being completely self-centered. so if i've conceded to my innermost self that i'm an alcoholic bodily i get the physical craving once i start putting alcohol on my system is that what brings me back to a drink no if i'm conceited to my inner most self then i'm in alcoholic mentally which means i have mental obsession and subtle through a serious through subtle insanity i can end up picking up a drink again is that what ultimately is the cause of me drinking it had it has everything to do with me taking the first drink but if this spiritual malady left untreated if I continue to experience the symptoms on page 52, if I Continue to Experience Restless, Irritable, Discontented on the beginning of... I love hooking into the later chapters because for some reason in the fellowship we've gotten away from looking at them. But if I continued to experience what 151 calls the hideous four horsemen terror, bewilderment frustration, despair and that's not just when I'm drinking that's also when I am not drinking if I continue to experience that internal spiritual unmanageability there is going to come a point in time where I have to seek out something to treat that and there is a little piece in my head that knows that for a period of time a little drink of whiskey worked. There's something in the back of my head that remembers that, remembers the first time I drank alcohol and my fears fell from me. Remembers the first time I drunk alcohol I didn't have a care in the world. I could walk up to the girl I'll have the high school dance and ask her to dance, by God, of all things. And it took the edge off. And I didn't feel like a bundle of nerves. And that's why it absolutely terrifies me today to not do this work, to take the chance of staying in untreated alcoholism, an unfit spiritual condition, Because my experience is, if I suffer from this spiritual malady long enough, it's the spiritual malody that's going to hook me back into the obsession. The thought which convinces me to pick up the first drink. And then I take the first Drink and I put it in my body. And in my Body, that first Drink sparks off the physical craving. And then, I end up in those senseless series of sprees. so the root of this spiritual malady we're going to find out when we go through the third step is selfishness and self-centeredness selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my trouble, it's the root of my problem, selfishness and self centeredness today is the root of my first step so if I'm living my life based on selfishness and self centeredness is it possible that I really don't think I'm alcoholic is it impossible I can get away with living my life today on not being altruistic not thinking of others but only thinking of me being selfish and self-centered and no it's not possible for me to do that today believe me I've tried it one thing that I just want to wrap this section up with is something over on page 64, and it gives another symptom of the spiritual malady, which is resentment, which, thank God we get the opportunity to inventory in step four. But it says, not only have we been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. And when the spiritual Malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physical. So the way, the solution to my first step, the solution for my spiritual malady, mental obsession and physical craving to alcohol is to go ahead with the rest of the steps 2 through 12. And once the spiritual malade is overcome, then I don't have to worry about the mental obsession. Once I'm thinking about you instead of thinking about me, I don't have to worry about a strange mental blank spot or a sober blackout cropping up on me. I don'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE SENSELESS SERIES OF SPREES BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO BE PUTTING ALCOHOL ON MY BODY. SO I'M GRATEFUL THAT THEY WROTE THIS BOOK IN SUCH AN ORDER WHERE IT GETS ME TO SEE WHAT I CALL THE THREE PARTS OF MY FIRST STEP. AND THEN IT GIVES ME HOPE. IT TELLS ME THAT IF I GO AHEAD WITH THE SPIRITUAL SOLUTION, I don't have to worry about the mental obsession I don' t have to worry about putting alcohol on my body anything you want to add? I had something that was really great but I can't think of it now that always happens to me something I'd like to do with the group and then we'll open it up to you guys by the way I hope you all enjoyed doing the step one unmanageability exercise I hope you learned what I've learned from doing that. And it's just really how powerless I am today. It's just how much I need the rest of the steps, how much i need that power we call God. On page 30, if we could just all turn to it, It's the first page of More About Apollism. It says in the second paragraph, we learn that we had to fully concede or we learn that we have to fully admit to our innermost selves to that place within us that this day and forever has always known truth to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. We learned through the information that we've covered in step one. We've learned through the information that we're covered in the three parts of step one that we have no choice. We're just like Fred. We have to fully concede, fully admit to our inward selves that were alcoholic. alcoholics. So if we can get quiet maybe just for 30 seconds, meditate on that statement and then maybe together as a group we can just, as a way of taking the first step together because the purpose of this group is so that we can all take the steps together. After we come out of the short 30-second quiet period, maybe we can recite out loud step one. We admit it, we're powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become a magical world. Personalize the first step. I admit I am powerless over alcohol that my life has become unmanageable next week we'll begin chapter 4 we agnostics I urge you to go through the chapter during the next week find the second step questions because if you're anything like myself sitting here this evening having just completed the first step I have no choice but to go forward with the second step and the rest of the steps that follow so I'd like to thank you all for being here tonight and being a part of my first step this evening what's interesting about each of the steps in experiencing them is that the moment that we're fully committed to any one step, we're already into the next step. And each of the steps gives us the power to do the next stuff as well. So it's interesting in being fully committed to the first step, or already partially into step two because if we are powerless, we need the power with a capital P and if our life is we're not capable of making our life manageable than what we need is a new manager with a Capital M. So what's interesting about every one of the steps as soon as we're fully committed to any one step we have already gotten into the next one if we've internalized uh the step before it so uh that was another reason why we wanted the exercise to be worked out because it just kind of catapults us into step two i mean you know it's it's sort of a uh a nice lead-in and urgency setting of why we need to head toward that step two aspect of the rest of the steps and like was said last week i also urge you if you have any other current afflictions any other stuff that you're currently powerless over whether it be food gambling rage anger sex conduct i'm just making these things up not that I suffered from any of them. Cigarettes. Excuse me. Not me, I'm good with that crap. Me too. But bring those to your first step also. How free do you want to be? We have the choice of going to God or conjuring in your mind the image of an ocean. If God is an ocean we can go to God with a thimble and take out that much water from the ocean? Or we can just go with a little sand pail like you would use on a beach and take it out. We could take out that much wood or we could go with a gallon bucket and take our that much food or is it possible that we can go to God this infinite ocean of life with a bucket that has an unlimited capacity, how free do you want to be?