Mechanics of the First Three Steps – AA Joe H Step Study – Part 5 of 11 – Joe

My name is Joe. I'm an alcoholic. Good to be here. I guess we usually do this in a smaller group, and most of you are usually with Conrad, and I guess he couldn't be here tonight. What I'd kind of like to do for everybody's benefit is to talk a little bit about what we've done so far. We've spent approximately seven or eight weeks on the first two steps from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Most of the guys in that group know me, so I'm not going to bore you with a lot of my story. You'll just have to take for granted that I belong in AlcoholicsAnonymous and that I belongs here tonight. I'm certainly not here to save anybody who doesn't know me. i'm here really pretty much to save my own ass and uh i'm certainly not here out of any virtue it's more like desperation because i don't ever want to drink again basically i do this for the same reasons i drank alcohol and took drugs that might shock some of you but uh i drank alcoholic drugs because they worked and they made me feel good and that's the same reason I do this kind of work today in the steps and service to other people because it works and it makes me feel great it's part of what keeps me sober I think I don't know why this came to mind but if somebody asked me what's more important as far as what keeps you sober doing these steps or carrying the message I would have to say before I had a message it was about working these steps and since the miracle of recovery has happened in my life it's about carrying the message you have to continue to give it away to keep it but i'm also one that doesn't believe you just go through these steps one time and you will meet you will meet a lot of people in alcoholics anonymous let alone the ones that tell you the steps aren't really important you will also meet a large number of people who say you do these steps once and then you live in step 10 11 and 12. it's been my experience of what these steps have done in my life each time i've gone through them that i continue to go through them because i watch unbelievable things happen even though it's pretty much hasn't been about drugs and alcohol for the last five years since the first time it's about what's going on in my life but i always do need to remember it is about alcohol for me that's the bottom line i went through the steps this last time about a year ago started about a years ago when i was four years sober because of some stuff that was going on in my life that wasn't acceptable to me anymore and i got to watch all that change you know it had to do with relationships and sex and spending money frivolously and using travel to run away from problems. Just all kinds of stuff, and I watched all that stuff change. You know, I drank for 17 years and I took drugs for a long time and I was never able to stay away from either one for 30 days for 17 year. I went to treatment 10 times. I went the penitentiary when I was 19 and I just could never stop and I could never stay stopped and once I started I didn't know when it was going to end you know and i haven't had to do that for five years and to a lot of you that's probably not a big deal but to me that is because i was never away from it for more than 30 days i don't see a lot hope in that message except if you're willing to do some work in this program none of you ever have to drink and drug again and if that's not an attractive message which to me it wasn't when i was new because that meant feeling the way i felt sitting in treatment the rest of my life there is a process in this program that'll change you and I realized that's all I've ever wanted way before I ever took a drink I didn't like being me when I got those glimpses of me I didn'T like that and every time I went to a bottle or a woman or a geographical location or a pile of money all I ever wanted was to be changed and I literally feel inside that's where the miracle has taken place i always heard old-timers in this program say it's an inside job and that's really where this miracle is taking place because i don't feel like that kid that was lost and confused 10 11 12 years old before he ever took a drink and i don'T FEEL LIKE THAT KID THAT THEY SENT TO THE PENITENTIARY WHEN HE WAS 19 LOST AND CONFUSED AND I REALLY DON'T FEel LIKE THAT GUY WHO WAS 30 YEARS OLD SITTING AROUND IN AA WAITING FOR THIS happen by osmosis lost and confused i feel different inside i i am at peace most of the time and when i'm not i have something to get out of it that works better than alcohol and drugs ever did because what i do in this program to get out of that when i m feeling that way isn't killing me booze and drugs used to take the pain away but they all it always got worse and they were killing me and destroying everybody around me but this is a big book study and we have spent like I said six or seven weeks on the first two steps which would be everything in the big book from the title page to page 58 we've covered to help me be centered I'll share with you real briefly what we've looked at so far I think the title page was was very important to me when I was new because I saw there's three parts to this program and it's not just about going to meetings that that's the unity part but that there's two other parts on that triangle on that title page it talks about unity recovery and service and I was only in one-third of the program and it was important for me to see that we looked at how this book is broken down in the table of contents and where the steps are and we learned that we were going to find the first step in the doctor's opinion and Bill story and more about alcoholism and there is a solution and we were gonna break that up into two parts where we're going to look at the body and then we were going to look at the mind and that's what we started to do in this this regular Thursday night meeting here we started with the doctor's opinion and we started looking at why am I powerless over alcohol physically after I take a drink we saw that the way this book defines alcoholism doesn't have much to do with what's going on in your life you know jail, divorce, jobs, 502s, insane asynoms. It doesn't really have much to do with that. That stuff is really kind of the result of your disease not the reason why and we tried to put the results of our disease aside and look at why am I an alcoholic because there's really only two points you need to look at one is physical and one is mental and the physical one that we started looking at in the doctor's opinion is can you control the amount of alcohol you drink once you take a drink? Do you lose control? And he equates it to an allergy like strawberries. If I'm allergic to strawberries and every time I eat strawberries I break out with a rash he equated that my disease is similar to that if I'm alcoholic that when I put alcohol in my system instead of a rash you know, I don't get a rash when I drink but he equates it that instead of a rash maybe I get a craving for more that's beyond anything I can bring to mind to stop so you look at that does that make sense when you look back through your drinking do you think you could take two drinks a day for 30 days no more no less and control that you see I don't know if that would happen the first day and it didn't always happen the 1st day but it happened so each of us in our own way in that meeting on Thursday nights, looked at that point of control. Do you think you can control how much you drink once you start? We went through that doctor's opinion and we learned to use every statement as a question. Is this me? Do I believe this? Does this make sense? We then did a simple exercise with the first eight pages of Bill's story to help us look at our lives. Yes, it is a story about the founder of AA, but it's also a tool to help you look at your life we learned to put aside the differences and look for the similarities I'm not a stockbroker I've never been married I've never been to war but what can I relate to in here what are the similarities and when I look at the way he thought and when I look the way felt and when i look at the way drank I can mark three-fourths of those first eight pages to answer a a real simple question in my thinking and in the way i drank and in a way i felt was i as helpless as bill and we answered that in our own ways from what we could relate to as a group we didn't spend much time on the next eight pages of bill's story because it's about his recovery and he went through the first eight steps in a real short period of time and he was out the next day making amends We were told to look at that when you have done what Bill did. When you've done the work in the first eight steps and you're starting to make amends, go back and then see if you can't relate to as much with Bill's recovery as you did with his disease. The first eight pages would be a good guide for the progression of the disease and the second eight pages would be good guide for the progress of recovery. See, what I would do is I would read the other eight pages of Bill's story story and I'd say well it's not happening that quick for me and it's not happening in that way for me until I realized he did a lot of work but I'll tell you this when I did the work in the first eight steps of this program and went back and looked at Bill's recovery I could relate to a lot of that most of them we saw on page 17 why we answered that question was I as hopeless as Bill because it says on page seventeen that we have Alcoholics Anonymous know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill, and I can say so am I. And then they give me some hope. Nearly all have recovered. They've solved the drink problem. That gives me some help. We looked at a great description of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is one-third of the program, on that same page, page 17. But we also saw a warning on that page that said the fellowship by itself is not enough. what we find in the fellowship that feeling of having shared in a common problem is just one element in this powerful cement that holds us together but that by itself would never have held us together as we are now joined we saw that the other part of this cement that holds me together is the common solution found in this book you know imagine going to an AA meeting and all you get is a room full of people who you can relate to how they drank but they don't have any solution for you You'd find a neat place to relate and you'd find camaraderie, you'd find a feeling of having shared in the common problem but imagine if there was no solution here. If all I needed was a group of guys that I shared a common problem with I think the county jail would have worked a long time ago. We continued to look at the body of the alcoholic up to the top of page 23 until we were able to answer from the bottom of page 22. As a quick question that in that lab does my experience abundantly confirm The next 20 pages we spent on looking at the mind. Why am I powerless over alcohol mentally when there's none in my system at all? What is it that gets me back to the first drink every time? We started looking at the idea of do i suffer from mental obsessions an obsession is an idea that will come to mind that outweighs every sane idea why you shouldn't i walk out of my po's office 28 days out of the penitentiary and i have about 20 reasons in my mind that he just reminded me of why i shouldn't drink and one little sneaky idea comes to mind like nobody will find out it'll be different this time i can get away with it and i walk right into a bar across the street from his office and pick up a drink and wake up six days later 120 miles away do i see that in my drinking do i feel where the powerlessness really happens do i think when the insanity really takes place i always thought my insanity was behavior that i exhibited after i took a drink You know, I beat her up drunk. I committed an armed robbery drunk under the influence of this, this, this. All of it was under the influence, what I thought my insanity was. But a guy helped me see the most insane thing I ever did. Every time I did it, I was absolutely bone dry with nothing in my system. Supposedly, in society's eyes, at my very best. And that was to pick up another drink, having been away from it for a while. i commit the most insane act of my life stone cold sober my insanity takes place before the first drink that crazy thought that comes to mind that this time it'll be different so we looked at that for a while why am i powerless over alcohol mentally with nothing in my system at all i become obsessed that took us to a place where we kind of started to see that we we needed some power we needed some power to keep us from the first drink which sets that whole cycle in motion and then maybe lack of power is our problem and that we are without defense against the first drink and that no human power can provide that defense i think you know in my opinion if the first step is about anything it's about eliminating all my options that i think i have left to where it gets down to two alternatives going on, dying an alcoholic death, or accepting some spiritual help that will give me power to keep me from the first drink and solve my problems. We not only looked at that this is a physical and a mental disease, we looked in depth that this was a spiritual disease that you can identify real simply from this book. It identifies me before I ever took a drink. From the doctor's opinion all the way up to where we are, they give descriptions of untreated alcoholism that fit me before I ever took a drink the root the root of my disease that's never been treated till I came to this program they used to take care of my symptoms dry me out get the obsession off my back but they never treated that spiritual root and that spiritual route is identified real simply in the doctor's opinion restless, irritable, discontented I feel out of place I don't fit in the chapter to the agnostic I have trouble with personal relationships I can't control my emotions I'm prey to misery and depression I have a feeling of uselessness I'm full of fear that fits me before I ever took a drink and when the booze and the drugs were not working and then sitting around this program for five and a half or six months and there's the root right in my face all they ever did was put band-aids on my symptoms we looked at getting down to the unmanageability and we found that within. We found the disease within. The disease centers in my body, it centers in mind, and I'm also spiritually sick and I don't have the power to heal any one of those areas. I'm powerless. We spent a while on the second step and looked at a lot. You know, old ideas we bring in here about punishing gods that are keeping score and that we've probably wronged. He's given up on us. old religious ideas that were impressed on us during our childhood that we probably rejected a long time ago. We looked at what can you and I come up with that we're comfortable with for a conception that we can start with that will work for us today. My first conception was that I need some power and I call it power, power within. The neat thing about AA is you get to choose your own conception. You get to chose your own conception of a power greater than yourself i don't know how many places i went to where they told me you believe the way we believe or you're out of here the neatest thing that i discovered here i don'T NEED TO BELIEVE THE WAY ANYBODY IN AA BELieves i get to choose my own conception about whatever i think this power is i need based on what i've seen in the first step they asked me at the second step are you even willing to believe are you even willing to believe that there's a power greater than you and once i saw my lack of power and how powerless i was i said there better be and then they asked me one more short question is this power everything or nothing is it or isn't it what's your choice and they gave me a choice at the second step and i chose that this power better be everything or i'm nothing i'm screwed and i went on from there i don't want to spend a lot of time on the first two pages of how it works page 58 and 59 but i would like to read something to you because it really kind of gets me a little more directly and it's the original manuscript of this big book before it was passed around to the groups my sponsor and i were given a copy of this at a group in kansas city at their i don't know i think it was their 30th or 35th anniversary when him and i went to speak there um and this is the original manuscript how it was written before they sent it around to the three groups that they had an area in 1930 in 1939 or 1935. it says rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our directions those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves there are such unfortunates they are not at fault they seem to have been born that way they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a way of life which demands There are those two who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to follow directions. At some of these you may balk. may think you can find an easier, softer way. We doubt if you can. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that you are dealing with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help is too much for you but there is one who has all power that one is god you must find him now half measures will avail you nothing you stand at the turning point now we can to take just a program of recovery. One, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. Two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore sanity. Three, made a decision in our will and in our lives to the care direction of God as we understood him. made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves 5. admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs 6. were entirely willing that God remove all these defects of character 7. humbly on our knees asked him to remove our shortcomings holding nothing back 8. made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make complete amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with God praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Twelve, having had a spiritual experience as the result of this course of action, we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. You may exclaim, What an order! I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas. A, that you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. B, that probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism. And C, that God can and will. If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away. If you ARE convinced, you are now at step 3, which is that you make a decision to turn your will and your life over to God as you understand him just what do we mean by that and just what does that mean and just how much do we do so I think that first paragraph of how it works I didn't think that it described me when I first read it I didn't think I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. I didn t think I naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. I didn d think I suffered from grave emotional and mental disorders until I went back and did the work up to this point, and I realized that's me. You know, what I do with the truth is unbelievable. And that I can't... It's hard for me to be honest with myself because I believe the lie. That's the main thing we looked at from page 23 to 43. I buy the lie My mind tells me it'll be different this time and I believe it. Where alcohol and drugs are concerned I'm incapable of being honest with my self. I can tell the difference between the true and the false. And I have grave emotional and mental disorders. You see, but as much as that first paragraph takes away some hope, the top of the next page gives me some hope. Even that same paragraph, even that same paragraph gives me some hope because it says their chances are less than average. It doesn't say that there's no hope for us. I'm here to tell you if I got here able to be honest without any emotional or mental disorders my chances were still less than average based on my track record the top of the next page though tells me without help it is too much for me anyway but there is one who has all power that one is God may you find him now that is me in that first paragraph and my chances were less than average anyway, but there is a way to recover in this program. Because rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. If I do what these people did, I should get what these people got. And if you want to see what the promises are of this recovery program, we're going to see some nifty promises right here at the third step. Don't let anybody ever sell you short and tell you the only promises in this program. For those of you who have been to AA, you've probably heard the promises on page 83 over and over and over. If you're painstaking about this phase of your recovery in the middle of the ninth step, we're going to find some nifty promises at three step three, four five ten It's interesting that they say half measures availed us nothing I mean you would at least think half measures would avail you half I mean isn't that how it works out there? and i think in my opinion that at at the end of this at the end of what we've looked at in the first two steps that we stand at the turning point and that we're going to ask his protection and care with complete abandon that somewhere in the process of these first two steps i've given up that i can do it i've given up the idea that i could fix myself i think the short paragraph that comes just before the abcs on the next page really sums up everything we've looked at step one and two it says our description of the alcoholic see i didn't know what they meant by that until i did everything up to this page i know now that the description of The Alcoholic is step one and it's found in the doctor's opinion and bill's story and there is a solution and more about alcoholism. So that's what they're saying there. The doctor's opinion, Bill's story, there is the solution and moreaboutalcoholism, step one. The chapter to the agnostic, step two. And our personal adventures. You're in my personal adventures, not only before but after. To me that means drunk or sober and I had to have some time to see that and I was in the hospital and I said I had some time away from drugs and alcohol trying to manage my life to see that they meant before and after make clear these three pertinent ideas step one then I'm alcoholic and I can't manage my own life that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism in step two C God couldn't would if he were soft then everything up to this page, everything up to page 60 has been designed to help me look at the first two steps. From the description of the alcoholic to the chapter to the agnostic to looking back through my life before drunk and after sober to help me look at the ABCs. Now if you're convinced of these three ABCs, they're real simple. Are you alcoholic and can you manage your own life yes i am alcoholic and i can't manage my own life and i don't think there's any human power that can relieve this because i've tried everything and at the second step i chose to believe that god couldn't move if he were sought now i had to spend some time on that because they use the plural they use could and would in the plural i had to look at the singular for me kenny and willie now i didn't get stuck on god can i knew he could i knew god can because i've seen him happen in other people's lives if not only just in aa but other places too but when i asked myself the question will he for me I had to think about that for a while but it says if I'm convinced of these three pertinent ideas then I'm now at step three which is that I will decide to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood him just what do we mean by that and just what do we do as with other questions that we've covered so far like the question from step 2 where and how are we going to find this power we found an answer to that 10 pages later I find an answer to this question just what do we mean by that and just what does it mean and just how do we do on page 62 which we will get to I think before that though at the bottom of this page there is a requirement and I feel sorry for those that say there is no requirements or any musts in this program I think maybe they're talking about the fellowship. There are no musts, and there's only one requirement in a fellowship. But to be a participant in this recovery process, there are a few simple requirements. And here's one at the third step. The first requirement is that I be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Am I convinced of that? that my life run on my will can hardly be a success drunk or sober because in these next few paragraphs they're really going to help me look at myself without the drugs and the alcohol they're going to talk about at my very best even when my motives are good even when trying to be kind they're gonna kind of bring me out from behind the bottle now and they're to help me look at me at my very best with all my human resources marshaled together do i think i can manage my life do i i think i can pull the show off so they helped me look at this they helped convince me that my life run on my will can hardly be a success on that basis running my will on my running my life on my world I was almost always in collision with something or somebody even though my motives were good even though my motives were good most people try to live by self-propulsion each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way if his arrangements would only stay put if only people would do as he wished. The show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements, our actor may be sometimes quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest in self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits you see i think if if everything went the way i wanted not only would i be happy but you all would be happy too because that would be the way you'd want it i see i don't know that i don'T KNOW THAT i THINK i know that and i think how i think i know how it should be for everybody everybody around me what usually happens when I try to run my life on my will. The show doesn't come off very well. I begin to think life doesn't treat me right. I decide to exert myself more. I become, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious as the case may be. Still, the play doesn't suit me. Admitting I may be somewhat at fault, I am sure that other people are more to blame. i am sure that other people are more to blame that sums up so much of my life i become angry indignant self-pitying what is my basic trouble and here's the one that really sums up a lot of my life am i not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind look back and look at when you maybe did something kind for somebody and your motives were good i was usually in it for something i could get or i could collect on later am i not a victim of the delusion that i can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if i only manage well is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants and do not my actions make each of them wish to retaliate snatching all they can get out of the show am I not, even in my best moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony my confusion and their confusion even in our best moments our actor is self-centered egocentric as people like to call it nowadays he's like the retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation the minister who sighs over the sins of the 20th century politicians and reformers who are sure all would be utopia if the rest of the world would only behave the outlaw safecracker who thinks society has wronged him and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up whatever our protestations are not most of us concerned with ourselves our resentments or our self-pity now they get down to the root and this describes me before I ever took a drink all the way through my 17 years of drinking and when I'm untreated in an untreated condition, sober they say that selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my trouble I was well into selfishness and self centeredness way before I even took a sip or took a good drink whenever the booze and the drugs weren't working and sitting around this program untreated. I want what I want when I want it, and how I feel is so very important that I'm willing to go to any length not to feel that way to anyone around me, including my own life. That's selfish and self-centered. See, I want to get that way today in meetings, and I want to tell you how I feel, I'm in a little bit of pain or a little Bit of this or a Little Bit of that is more important than carrying a message to the new guy. And I want To sit here and impose all my pain and drama on you. That's self-centered and that's also being really selfish. Selfishness and self-centerness, that we think is the root of my trouble. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me, seemingly without provocation. This is another one that gets me. We invariably find that at some time in the past I have made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt. For those of you that do a four-step, an inventory, you're going to see that all the way through it. that sometime in the past you made decisions based on self selfishness self-centeredness fear which later placed you in a position to be hurt i was told that this next sentence is probably the greatest statement of hope in alcoholics anonymous but i didn't see it until i wrote inventory and it says so our troubles we think are basically of our own making you know in my disease i look at that and i say oh god my troubles are of my own making gee what a rotten terrible person i am but they told me to start to look for the positive side to that so my troubles were of my on making okay so i've brought this on well i start to see a little bit of the freedom to that because if it's not their fault and they didn't make me this way and it's not society's fault and it is not because I am an ex-con and it isn't the family I come from or the neighborhood or those guys or that school if my troubles are really of my own making and I can get well none of those things have to change for me to get well I say today thank God my troubles are of my on making because those people I used to blame don't have to get better for me to feel better thank god my troubles are the greatest statement of hope in this book so my troubles were basically of my own making they arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot though he usually doesn't think so what do you mean i just wanted my own way above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness above everything we must or it kills us god makes that possible that's a promise and there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore but we couldn't live up to them even though we would have liked to neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power we had to have god's help you know i'm not a sociopath they told me in the penitentiary i was a sociopath and i had no conscience and i didn't know right from wrong i grew up knowing right from long i grew with some values some morals some beliefs i read all kinds of philosophical stuff in the joint all kinds programs but i couldn't wish those things to happen i knew i shouldn't lie i knew I shouldn't steal i knew what it takes to break my mother's heart but how come even knowing all that knowing what I shouldn't do if I don't want to break her heart anymore how come I get out and I continue to do that many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore but we couldn't live up to them even though we wanted to the needed power wasn't there so once again I'm looking at I need some power and that this third step is going to be a decision to go for that power and they told me in the second step that I was going to have to search fearlessly same two words they use in the fourth step and then I was going to find this power deep down within myself the last place I ever thought to look I always thought all that was in there was garbage because of my experience in therapy every time I go in there it hurts and it's painful and it is scary and I don't like what's in there but I was told if we can clear away that garbage that pain and that guilt and all that stuff that's in there what we were going to find there was true power that I was born with it's been there all the time so we had a question on the previous page that we're going to decide to turn our will and our life over to God as we understand him just what do we mean by that and just what do we do here's the answer this is the how and the why how is what we do why is what we mean why do I have to do this? Here's the third step decision. I always thought that doing the prayer was the decision of the third steps. I was told this is the third-step decision. I will decide that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be my director. He is the principal. We are his agents. he is the father we are his children most good ideas are simple and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom so why do I need to turn my will and my life over to the care of God because me playing God hasn't worked me running my life on my will hasn't work now how am I going to do this I'm going to decide that from hereafter he is the director he is the principal he is the father we talked from page 17 where it told me how to make this cement with two equal parts what I find in the fellowship and what I find in the common solution in this book and that we were building a foundation with that cement the foundation of my program the foundation of recovery in the first step at the second step we placed the first stone on that foundation and that was are you willing to believe that was the cornerstone now this doesn't seem real important now but it will at the end of the fifth step they have now given me the keystone of this arch and i was told by a guy that worked with bricks and made arches that the key stone was right up there on the top and the corner stone was the first one put in place they usually write a date on it that this idea that from hereafter in this drama of life God is going to be my director my principal and my father that this ideal was going to be the corner, the keystone excuse me to my recovery now I use the third step prayer almost every day but I've never I've never had to take the third step since the first time. I remember sitting in Denver in a meeting one day before I went through this work the way we're doing it. I thought I'd taken the first three steps because I said I was alcoholic and I thought I was powerless and I guess my life's unmanageable and I believe in God and sat in a chair and read this prayer and tried to write an inventory. Somewhere during that time, when I thought I had taken these first three steps, I sat in the meeting in Denver and I said, well, I turned it over and I took it back. And I turnedit over andI took itback. Thank God one of these old-timers looked at me and he said, if you're still doing that, son, you haven't turned itover. he said why don't you shut up and sit down and listen and for the first time in my life I did that he said you know it's kind of like sending someone over in the corner to pray for ham and eggs and then just tell them to sit there they'll probably starve to death but he said if you tell someone to go sit in the corner and pray for ham and eggs and then get up and make a commitment and do their best they'll probably eat ham and eggs that day and that that's kind of what this third step was like that by itself it was just a decision but that if I get up off my knees after doing this prayer we're about to look at and give it one hell of a commitment that this thing would probably happen he said it's kindof like a chicken and a pig walking down the road and they come to a church and there's a sign on that church that says help feed the poor and the chicken looks at the pig and he says we ought to do something about that and the pig says well what could we do and the chick says well we could feed him ham and eggs and the pig had a little more sense than I did when I took the third step because he said to the chicken well for you that's just a simple decision to lay some eggs but for me that's one hell of a commitment because we're talking about my life they started asking me that after I took this third step are you a chicken or a pig are you going to just make a decision to lay some eggs like you've done all your life or are you gonna make one hell of a commitment because we're talking about life and death boy they made me mad I remember some guy saying three frogs sitting on a log all three of them decide to jump off how many are left I said none they jumped in he said no three all they did was decide now what are you going to do and I know I've taken this third step when I pick up a pen and a piece of paper and I'm writing the fourth step because that's how I turn my will I thought it was going to be some lofty thing you know my sponsor is going to take me up on a mountaintop in Colorado we're going to get on our knees and the sky is going to open up and the thunderbolt is going to come down and I'm going to get off my knees and my life will be magically turned over to a power greater than myself that I don't even really understand yet. He said, no, no. You don't need any more big booms. He said they've almost killed you. He said the way you turn your will and your life over to the care of God is 4-5-6-7-8-9. And if you look at what's called for in step 4-4-5 6-7 8-9 they are acts that I not only have the power I not only do not have the power to do when I'm at step one but they're contrary to everything I've ever believed you see it's contrary to my life and it's against my will to write down the truth and it is contrary to my life and against my will to take that and read it to one person see I'm one of these people that takes a little bit to you if I think I can get something from you a little bit over here I tell this therapist a little bit I tell the priest a little but I've never laid it all out for anybody and it's really against my will and against my life to ask something outside of myself to take all this garbage and it is really against my life and against my will to make a list of people I have harmed and become willing to make amends to them and it really is contrary to my life and against my will to go to those people and make amends. So the way I turn my will and my life over to the care of God is by doing things in 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 that are contrary to my life and against my will. You know, you don't just take the third step and wake up the next day holy. I'm grateful for a sponsor who never used the premises in this book like carrots. like you know they dangle them out in front of you to lead you around my sponsor believes that these promises should be used as a checklist and when we get to some if they're not happening we miss something we go back because we haven't been thorough and he said that what we were about to do there was going to be a paragraph of promises before we even got on our knees and did it but the miracle of the third step had already happened or I wouldn't be ready to get on my knees and do that prayer but what he asked me to do that day he asked me to get quiet for a little bit and he asked me to take that simple idea that i just decided about the father and the principal and the director because that covers every area of my life he asked me to take those simple ideas that keystone and kind of put it together with what i chose at the second step that yeah i was willing that that cornerstone and to put that those two ideas would kind of put them together with my own conception and to imagine that and it started real mechanical and it's started in my head but it's become the most important part of my sobriety because he told me to get a picture of a place where i was comfortable at once and i think the first time it was like on a mountaintop in the woods and i was just sitting quietly and i tried to see that in my hand and he said try to imagine that within and see it down in your gut and just to be quiet and sit there with the father whatever my conception was for a little while and he left the room i sat there and a picture came to mind it was kind of hard to see it with him but you know i tried to do that and i got quiet and he came back in the room after a few minutes and he read this next paragraph and all of what he read to me in this next paragraph started to happen. Even in those few minutes of quiet. You know, it's like something had happened in the first three steps at that time that gave me some power to go in and look at that inventory that I was never able to look at. And when he came back in the room, he read this because I needed to remember that at the second step it did say that deep down within would be the only place that I would find this. in the last analysis it would be only deep down within that I would find this power and I started practicing that from that day to this and it's probably the most important thing in my life that I have a quiet place within I can go when I'm confused when I need an answer when I meet some direction but he came back in the room and he read these two this paragraph on page 63 and it says when we sincerely that's probably an important word when we seriously took such a position all sorts of remarkable things followed we had a new employer being all powerful he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well established on such a footing I became less and less interested in myself my little plans and designs more and more I became interested in seeing what I could contribute to life as I felt new power flow in as I enjoyed peace of mind as I discovered I could face life successfully as I became conscious of his presence I began to lose fear of today tomorrow or the hereafter I was reborn and that began to happen before I got on my knees and did that prayer and it's only gotten stronger since. I have never taken back that decision I made at the bottom of page 62. Now, I'm not saying I have not tried to run my life on my will but it's been futile and I've never taken back that decision because I don't think I have a choice once I've sincerely done this. I like a guy that I heard who says he doesn't have the luxury of getting up every day and deciding whether he's alcoholic or not and who's got the power and making this decision every day because the day might come when he's not real fit to make that decision and he decides the wrong thing I think if this is done once sincerely I don't ever have to make this third step decision again even though I continue to use that prayer on a daily basis It says here that many of us said to our Maker as we understood Him, God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy well always. now they probably knew who they were writing this book to because after the prayer they snuck this in there we thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready that we could at last abandon ourselves but see if I've covered everything up to this prayer I have thought well before taking the step I've really begun to see what this decision is about and what it's based on and it's based on those ABCs and they told me exactly where I found the A, B, and C. And if I've covered everything up to this point I've thought well before taking this step and I've asked myself am I really ready to abandon myself? I found it desirable to take this step this spiritual step with an understanding person another alcoholic they say maybe like our wife best friend or spiritual advisor I think my sponsor is my spiritual advisor but it is better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand you've got to remember they wrote that back when there wasn't always an AA guy to grab and people were doing this for the first time by themselves now we have the luxury of being surrounded by people in AA who have done this and would understand the wording was of course quite optional so long as we expressed the idea voicing it without reservation this was only a beginning though if honestly and humbly made in effect sometimes a very great one was felt at once if I look at the third step by itself it's just a decision to go for some power that I don't have I think four through nine is about getting that power now we're going to wait a week before we talk about inventory but if any of you ever take this third step sincerely having covered everything up to this point I would say not to wait awake before you start an inventory it says at once so I hope that each and every one of us in our own way can can look at this and decide, are we chickens or are we pigs? Are we going to lay some more eggs like we've done all our lives? Or are we going take this third step and then make one hell of a commitment? Thanks for letting me share. Thank you.