Mary M. on the Disease, the Insane Asylum, and the Heavenly Mandate

I love you. My name is Mary Marto. I'm an alcoholic. I have surrendered completely, ha-ha, unconditionally, to the reality of my disease. And once I got that over with, my life has been a joy and a pleasure. And what better way could I spend it than be with you guys in this place in this appointed time She was grateful she was with us last night. I want to tell you what I did for this girl, to show her our love for her. She was going to have to go home alone, and I said, Eileen, stay with us in the room. And she said, I have no clean underwear. I said... Eileen... Don't let that bother you. Doris and I will wash your underwear out. Because I didn't mean I'd do it. I'd have Doris do it, but... I woke up with a song in my heart. And when I have a song, you know something? I sing it. Do you mind, folks? Oh, what a beautiful morning. Help me out if you want to. Oh, What a Beautiful Day. I have the beautiful feeling everything's going God's way. Not my way, going God'S way. Okay, kids? Every once in a while, I clean my house. I was telling the gentleman over here, I live alone and I have 14 odd socks. And I say to myself, how could I have odd socks? But he said he's got seven at his house. Maybe we could get together. The point is, I came into Alcoholics Anonymous via the insane asylum. I came in in 1946. And only God could have brought me, and only you wonderful people, the pointies, witnesses of God, only you special creatures of God could have bought me to the meeting and kept me there as long as you could until I went back to the crazy house again. I came, but I didn't believe. So I had to go out and pay the price over and over again. But in the first year that I was there, we had a truly America's most outstanding writer. I have to put him among the first five in our country. His name is Fulton Ausler and world-renowned, really. But he was frequently, and he was a dear friend of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he had the disease in his family. But he wrote an article in New York's leading newspaper. And for whatever reason, don't ask me why, I cut that out. Now, I couldn't tell you if I paid my electric bill last month, but I saved it. And I saved this article from 1946, and maybe I was looking for something. I'm sure the crazy alcoholic is looking for Something in the thousands of bottles and things that he puts himself through. So I cut it out possibly for that reason because he said something charming. He said, charming is the word for alcoholics. He's the chap who wrote The Greatest Story Ever Told and many, many unbelievable, outstanding books. He was one of our early friends of Alcoholics Anonymous. He loved us. And if you don't believe it, listen, folks. Down at the bottom of the scale, there are pharaohs, the untouchables and the outcasts, all the underprivileges, and all known by one epithet, and its relatives. He was a relative of an alcoholic. He said, I am a relative and I know my place. I am not complaining, but I hope no one will mind if I venture to plain the confession there are times, oh so many times, when I wish I had been an alcoholic. Can you imagine that? The guy wishing he was an alcoholic? By that I mean I wish I were in AA. The reason for, now this is 1946, we're only possibly 9 or 10 years old at this point in time. Look at the impact we made on the world. This outstanding, unbelievable man of the world. The reason for this is that I consider the alcoholic AA people the most charming in the world I think that's the reason I cut this out Such is my considered opinion As a journalist, it has been my fortune to meet many of the people who are considered charming I number among my friends the stars and the lesser knights of the stage and the cinema Writers are my daily diet and I know the ladies and gentlemen of both political parties, and I have been entertained in the White House many times. I have broken bread with kings and ministers and ambassadors. And I say after that catalog, which very much could be extended, that I would prefer an evening with my AA friends to any person or group of persons I have indicated. I ask myself, why do I consider these people so charming? these alcoholic caterpillars who have found their butterfly wings in Alcoholics Anonymous. Did you know we did that? We found our butterfly wings in Alcoholic... Oh, Lord, that's good. I like that. There are more reasons than one, but I can name a few, he says. The AA people are what they are. And they were what they were. Because they are sensitive. Oh, I like this. I like it. Imaginative and possessed of a sense of humor and an awareness, an awareness of universal truth. They are sensitive, which means they are hurt easily and that helped them to become alcoholics. Yeah, people did hurt at me all the time. People picked on me, rejected me, weren't nice to me. The bartenders would say, get the hell out of here. But if you like me at 8 o'clock, he said, yeah, but it's 11 o' clock and you're a pain and then you know what? Go and haunt my competitor. I said, I'm not coming back here anymore but of course I was back there the next night. they but however these are the things that help us become alcoholics but when they have found their restoration they are still as sensitive as ever they are responsive to beauty and truth and they eat they are very eager about the intangible glories of life how do you like that kid the intent that's what i'm experienced this morning i woke up the sun was shining i had water for my face. Doris gave me a banana. Eileen took me to lunch, to practice. Wonderful. I even found a pit in my cherries and I didn't complain. I told the waitress, but I didn'T complain. That makes them very charming companions. They are imaginative and that helps to make them alcoholics. Some of them drank to flog their ambitions on to greater efforts. We are drivers, pushers, movers, shakers. But then we get drunk and fall down. Others guzzled only to black out some unendurable demons that rose in their imagination. We are people of imagination, and we're our own worst enemies with our minds. We know that. But when they found their restoration, their imagination is responsive to new incantations, and their talk abounds with color and light. And that's what makes us such charming, wonderful people. We have light. We have color. Wehave beauty. Wehave love. God gives it to us. And he says, listen toots, if I give it to you, you better give it away or you're not going to keep it. That was one of the first messages I got. As I say, I didn't stay sober, but I did. I heard a honk of the program and I heard another honk Bill would feed me a honK and I was fortunate in the times I came in in 46 many of the people who wrote the book we know some of them were for Akron but we had a couple from people from Jersey a couple form New York and of course Dr. Silkworth would be down I had been to Dr. silkworth's hospital for alcoholism and I went into the DTs and no hospital at that period in time there were only two hospitals in fact Neckerbocker came a little bit later but at that period in history no other hospital no respecting hospital would ever let the likes of us in there we were unpredictable uh we were troublesome and they don't want the hell to do with us uh we might be all right at seven o'clock at night then nine o'lock at night we're running through the wards with our you know what sticking out dr bob had the same experience you know when he talked sister um ignatia into hiding a drunk in the flower room and she said I knew I knew I knew I knew I knew that something was going to happen and you know the Bible says that's which we fear the must comes upon us and she says they had hit a couple of drunks in the hospital without the administration knowing about it and sure enough one drunk in the middle of the night got up looking for a drink and he didn't have his underwear on and that's when they had to go to the board and they had to ask St. Thomas Hospital if they would please set aside a little section where they could treat the alcoholics which were numerous, and in the course of his life and in his ministry in St. Thomas Hospital a Dr. Bob treated over 10,000 alcoholics free that's the kind of founders we have that's what people of God gave us to guide us love us, to show us, pick us up from the slop dust us off, put on a new pair of underwear well, getting back to I'm telling you, I ruled the world when I had a drink. And my mother said it best. She said, Mary, when you were 17 and you went out socially and people knew you were going to be there, honey, they wanted to come to that party. She said here it's not even 10 years later and if they know that you're going to be at the party, no one wants to come. Who needs them? What are you talking? Who needs them? But I had changed from, rather nice. I come from a very large family. I have seven brothers. That's why I'm noisy. I had to speak above my brothers and I had four sisters. And we all talked at once. And my father was a drunk. So, you know, I have these characteristics. And I've asked the Lord, Lord, should I become a quiet little saint-like little lady? And he says, nah. He'll forgive me. as Popeye said a yam what a yem right a yim what a yum and most important I don't have to apologize for living anymore isn't that marvelous we who when we come out of these places or get out of the gutter scrape ourselves clean try to hold retain a little food in our stomach get the mind to stop whirling and the heart palpitating and the colon malfunctioning We who have lived through all this, we need some kind of a peace and serenity. And I like one of the speakers there. He told it well. He said no matter how chaotic the world is out there, when he got to the meeting, he found peace. And in all the times that I've heard Bill talk and explain his spiritual experience, I'd listen, but what was the bottom line for me? Why was this thing different? What happened to this man that changed his whole life and brought about this unbelievable fellowship that transcends all cultures, that's beyond all language barriers, that has reached every portion of the world and has about 250 babies, spring-offs, byproducts of our 12-step recovery program. So what is, I listened between the lines. Shakespeare said you have to listen not only on the lines, but you better listen between the lines. And from what I heard Bill tell, and I've heard him tell it several times, was that when he went to Dr. Silkworth that morning, for the first time in his life, he didn't have all the words you understand we're talking now but he had a peace p-e-a-c-e peace and he could explain to dr silkworth and and there was another grace of god dr silkwood didn't laugh at him and say you know you good drunken bum you're hallucinating again you got the gt's you're just that or the other thing he didn't say that to bill he said whatever you found bill you better hang on to it because you ain't got nothing else there's nothing else there was nothing else Bill been through everything same as I've been through I've been run through like a dose of Epsom salts or the psychiatric or the medical you know what I mean so that where he had a peace and then later on as he's trying to figure out what happened to him and where does he go from here the thing that sustained him as he went and picked up those drunks and brought them to the house like the books tells us and so forth he maintained a peace and maybe the bible says it best it says the peace that passeth all understanding and and that is what bill had not that there weren't 7 000 problems these were the days when the clergy were trying to rip them apart and rip the movement apart the medical profession thought we were in competition with them the psychiatrist that you know uh you know he had me as a patient for 40 years what do you want to go with that pack of drunks for? You know what I mean? So it's all water under the bridge. But I mean, they were chaotic days. They were chaotic days. And I came in. And as I say, I always got from Bill a sense of peace. The storms are raging. The problems were there. The shall we do this? Shall we do that? The money situation. We could never pay the rent in the clubhouse. The clubhouse was 333 and a half West 24th Street. And it had been owned by the bootleggers before we got it. I always think that's funny, that had been owned by the bootleggers before we got it. And prior to that, the fellow who wrote The Night Before Christmas, his family owned it and they lost it through a tax or whatever. And then the bootlegger's got it and then the AA's got it. God, you do such strange things. What did the fellow say last night? He has a sense of humor. That's my experience. That'm my life. That what I can talk about. That how I can talk about. Lord, how could you take a person like me and do an about-face? Whee! 760 degrees about-faced. But that's what happened. If I'm standing here, I'll sing another song. Well, anyhow, those were the years, the Terry years, that I was young and I was strong and I Was smart. And I'd be in Bellevue for how many days? And then And I'd go home and I'd go to the clubhouse. And I listened and I believed. Young should understand. I believed, but when the chips got down, when things weren't going my way, when someone looked crooked at me or someone misunderstood me or someone was unkind to me. Can you imagine anyone being unkind to Mary Marto? can you just visualize it and I would get upset and when I got upset I naturally wouldn't eat and I certainly didn't rest properly all violations of our our steps and consequently the mind would it was like an eerie sound that would happen to me you know the men in the clubhouse there weren't very many women at the time Marty of course was in the picture Grace and of course another young lady but there weren' The men caught my, that I was ready to go out and drink again. They caught it. And the craziness would set in. Something would go, and they caught it! And then in addition, I start bitching. That's a true good sign. You find fault with everybody. Resentments, you know, this isn't right, that coffee's cold! Who put two spoons in the sugar bowl? What the hell's the difference? But anyhow, they knew when I was getting ready to go again. And they didn't have the equipment. We had no literature at that point in time. We had the big book, of course. But we didn't Have it. We had meetings in Halloran Veterans Hospital. And, of Course, Sam Shoemaker opened the place for us. And we had one in the Bronx. And we Had Newark going and so forth. But we Didn't Have the Equipment that we Have today. But the love was there, the desire to help me, the willingness to share what they did have was there. but I was too stupid to take advantage I'm sorry but I want what I want when I want it okay life is not treating me kind and I am such a wonderful person how people understand I went in for a sandwich and it was cold I told that lady no mayonnaise and guess what she put mayonnaise so that would start and the guys saw this they knew this and there wasn't a thing they could do to help me very much I'd go home and I'd nourish my resentments and I build them up and I didn't lodge them and I magnify them and oh boy listen might be all right for them to be in AA but I'm only 25 or six or whatever I was and I'm a smart person and I can have a Tom Collins amazing how I could talk here my record is my husband said the records before you. You've been there eight times in one year, you've been to the violent, psychopathic ward eight times. In one year. It took my husband years to pay the bill. So he knew, you know, he was the authority on that. And how could you think of drinking? You know, He met Bill before I did. I was in the hospital. I was at Dr. Silkworth's place and Dr.Silkworth sent my husband over to the clubhouse and one of the greatest things in God's earth that ever happened in this world Bill happened to be there that night my husband arrived after business hours and he sat down and spoke to my husband and he said Charlie she's not being a no good rotten which we certainly know I was rather she is a sick lady just to show you how far back this is he said to Charlie if she had consumption would you throw her out in the snow it was snow time in New York, if she had consumption, would you throw her out in the snow? If she had cancer, Charlie, would your throw her out? My husband said no. He said, well, she has a disease, alcoholism. It's vicious, hateful, tear it to shreds. It'll kill her. And she needs help. And like I say, at the time, our help was very expensive to go to Dr. Silkworth's. And the other alternative was Bellevue Hospital or the various jails who took us in the jails took us in and they gave us a cot on the floor and they threw some gruel at us in the morning and they chased us out you know and it happened pretty much the same as Bellevues they'd bring all the drunks in especially the second floor maybe in the morning they'd have 60 drunks and after the paraldehyde bit and after the puke and all the kind of stuff that went on throw them under the shower give them a nickel and chase them out the nickel was to get them out of the east side and sent them to the west side, where the clubhouse was. That was my experience. So I failed. I failed through arrogance, through refusal to see the problem. But my husband understood that I had a disease. So I had backing all the way. How that man ever took it, I don't know. But he is in heaven, and God will reward him. This I believe. My husband and I, we were married 44 years. And my husband died a few years ago. And he loved this program. He loved Alcoholics Anonymous. He wasn't one of us, like Fulton, but he loved his program. He saw in this program what Norman Vincent expressed better than anybody. Norman Vincent said we were the renaissance of Christianity. That we had put into operation all the things that the Bible teaches. Loving each other, sharing with each other. Caring for each other . . . See, I didn't see any of this stuff. I remember he'd come to the hospital and he said, I've been over to the clubhouse and I met a man named Bill. And he told me that you weren't just ornery, hateful, vicious, and vindicative son of a... He did say it. But he said that you were sick. And I said, who's sick? I'm getting better. I'm in the hospital. I'm going to be fine. I'm not getting out of here pretty soon. I already had my next bottle ordered in my mind. and he said listen Mary I would really appreciate if you would go and meet these people I said you want me to go with a pack of drunks I mean where are they from Skid Row what I mean I still had a fur coat of course I will say when I was brought the last time in the hospital I was bought in with a fur cloak but I had nothing underneath I do not know to this day why I was so popular in that hospital I have not figured this one out. You will get to heaven, Lord. I have a list of questions to ask you, but this is one I do want to ask you why when they would restrain me in a straitjacket, bring me up to the ninth floor, it's where they put the women alcoholics, among all the crazy catatonics, schizophrenics, paranoids, you name it, they were there, and then they threw the drunks in. And here I am. I am sick. I never surrendered until I was sick. I puked from every orifice in my body. Then I surrendered that I'm sick. but anyway I could hold a drink or I could get someone to put a strainer down or whatever I held on but I got in this day and oh I am sick and then they peraldehyde you hear your three weeks no food no sleep no anything no washing and they fill you with peralidehyde and what is peraledehyde it is alcohol and ether that's all you need alcohol and ether and you go soaring through the sky so anyhow I'm let me out of this straitjacket and they threw me in the ward which was customary and one of the nurses bright eyed, bushy tailed a very nice lady pretty, nice she says Mary! Mary! we're so glad to see you they had missed me even I in my sick mind had to say hey I want to be popular like everybody else I sang in the saloons I bought drinks, even if I had a hot My Husband's Luger to do it. It was gone or something, you know. I wanted to be popular. Who doesn't want to be popuIar? The American goal to be poPuIer. But I said to myself, it hasn't quite worked out the way I wanted it. I didn't hear they're missing me in the insane asylum. Lord, I must talk that over with you someday. I really must. But my health was depleting, as it will if you keep drinking your liver, your spleen, your kidneys, your pancreas. My legs were swollen and I was at the risk of cooking physically. And if I'm in that physical condition, can you imagine what my mental condition is and my emotional condition? Forget it about my spiritual condition because I said, Lord, if you're there, you're not helping me. And so I kind of wrote him off at that point in time. Nobody cares. Nobody loves me. I'll eat worms and then I'll die. And when I die, you'll wait and see. You'll all be sorry that you picked on me. When my husband wanted to get my goat when I'd be feeling sorry for myself and they'd say, I know what I'll do by and by. I'll heat worms and then he'll pick on me and then all die. And when i die, you wait and see. You'll be sorry that you picked on me so well I had a terrible I have a terrible case history stupidity absolutely unbelievable and the one I want to remember is the last hearing at Bellevue and I had been admitted eight times like my husband said and they decided it, I was a chronic alcoholic and I needed to be incarcerated. Society needed to be protected from me. Now you understand I'm sick, I'm quivering, I don't even know what my name is pretty much but society needs to be protected for me. So they called a hearing and I don' know if they do it today but in those days there had to be a legal hearing if I was to be committed. So on the second floor they had a judge, remember this and never forget to the day I die, they have the table with the judge, the Bible and the flag. Then they had a psychiatrist who had recommended my indefinite stay at Rockland State Hospital for the insane. And then the medical people who had my medical history, and then the social worker who had all these folders about me. And so you have to know how the nuthouse worked in those days. The nurse would come in around nine o'clock and we would redistribute the nuts. Let's say there were 50 of us. Now, if she came over and she gave you a pink ribbon, that meant you were going to Pilgrim State Hospital for the insane. If she gave me the other one, you were gone to Rob Blue, which was Rockland State. Green was one of the other institutions for the insane. So I'm watching colors. Where am I going? And she come to me and she said, Mary, we have a special hearing for you this morning and you will be ready in a little while to go down before the judge you know and okay I am not going down before no judge well you just don't say things like that in a place like that because they pick you up and they put me under the shower and I didn't let you have any bobby pins because you might kill yourself or you might kill another patient so my hair was and they threw me under the show and then she took me out of from under the shower and patted patted patted and she gave me Johnny Coats. Those were the customary outfits we wore. Very, very interesting. Why Johnny Coates? I don't know. All I know is it's a coat that you put your hand in this way and one hand goes in thisway. See? And it comes above your knees. They never fit. But they did have one saving grace. They had strings in the back. So I go to reach around to tie my string. I have that much strength. I'll tie my spring and there ain't no string but I'm not defeated I'm one of those carry on girls I go below to the second set of strings I go to look for them and there aint any and then I go a little further down trying to pull this thing together right and there ain't no strings now kids if you've ever been low in your life you know what how I felt and I said nurse nurse nurse I have no strings and she said Mary listen the laundry hasn't come up yet it hasn't come up yet and that's the only we haven't got another Johnny coat for you honey and I I don't like to be defeated do you like to be defeated huh so I said to her listen could you get me a bathrobe I'm in the crazy house you understand Bellevue the richest city in the whole world New York and she looks me in the eye, and she says, Mary, we haven't got a bathrobe. The laundry hasn't come up yet. You have no bathrobe? How do you expect me to go down without... And as I say, I had no string, so the thing when you turned around, you just... My... Well, I said, listen, I'm not going. If you can't provide me with a Johnny coat and you can provide me with a bathroom I ain't going to make a long story short they rang a bell and the next thing I mean I'm used to fighting cops that never made me scared and I fought bartenders and I fought anybody in the bar who picked on me until I got weak you know but at the beginning I was a brawler an absolute brawller and not at the begining at the beggining I was charming lovely you would have loved to have me you would've bought me a drink but later on you tell me to get lost you know but anyhow just Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde that you read in our literature you've all come across it right but anyhow these two bruises and I found out later my husband was a boxing fan and I find out later that old boxers never die they get employed by Bellevue this is true this is truth God is my judge so I'm here ready to go and my strength left my strength left I was probably going to say I'll get my brothers after you or something you know but one gently got to the right of me and one got to the left of me and they took me by my elbows I never knew elbows had a purpose like that but they grabbed me under my elbows I'm 5'2 and they're about 6'7 you know and they grabbed me under my elbows and they dragged me down through the public elevator and through the public halls no strings and my very you know what sticking out I have been humiliated in my life. Most of it I've caused myself. Got to the hearing, okay, I'm going to get even with somebody. Somebody's responsible for me being humiliated. Someone's going to pay. Who put me in here? Did the bartenders, the cops, my husband, who my mother called up? Who? Someone's got to get in with somebody! That's my... When I get out of here, everybody will be sorry. but instead this hearing was as I say this determination for commitment indefinite commitment to Rockland State Hospital for the insane and they all spoke their little piece and the psychiatrist told why I had manic depressive if you don't eat for three weeks and you don' t sleep and you just drink pump alcohol in your system you do get depressive you know what I mean and then when the healers of the world the medicine people of the word get a hold of you in this condition, they're proud to hide you to death. I mean, I'm bad enough when I crawled into that place bleeding from God knows where and then they fill me with these chemicals. What do you expect that's going to emerge? So I'm not paying a bit of attention because I don't want to know nothing what these people are saying. They're a bunch of creeps. But my husband is there. And here is a thing that could really crush your heart. my husband has been appointed my guardian can you visualize that folks I have a guardian I the great Mary have a Guardian my husband who at the moment I hate him I hate his guts I have got a Guardian but either case the only thing I want to take away from that and why it's so important in my talk is I heard the truth for the first time about my disease back and forth I did this I did that I was dragged in here on April 1st and I I was out for how many days and my liver was damaged and fully and I wasn't listening to one of those hunk of garbage and what they they were pretty much determined that I was going but you have to understand my husband he's a quiet man don't ask me why quiet guys pick noisy broads I don't know I said why did you pick me he said I liked your family he said you're the only girl I know that could tap dance at a restaurant eat a sandwich and sing at the same time he said I was fascinated with you we were married 44 years but he's up in heaven folks that I can tell you what he put up with me through the years and God has honored that man but anyhow Now, it pretty much cut and dried that I was going to Rockland State for an indefinite commitment, which was the custom day. After they had dragged you into this place, they had your records, you know, we didn't have the assortment of places all over, so no one ever found out that you were 300 times in a crazy house. No one compared the records, because we only had the one place. It was a clearinghouse. Bellevue was a cleaninghouse. Still is. Still is for nuts and you name it, drunks and you named it. But anyhow, I'm sitting there and I'm just thinking who I'm going to get even with and who I am going to tell off and who is going to be sorry they picked on me. And my husband, Rose, and as I say, you have to understand he's a quiet man. And he said, I certainly confirm what you say about Mary. And he said, but tell me, if I sign the papers to send her to Rockland, what are you going to do for her? What are you doing? What are we going to do to her? And you see, that answer is the equinox of my sobriety. And I never forget, I didn't face over, but it went into the computer, the reality of our disease. There is nothing, nothing out there that can do for us. And this social worker, little bitty girl, the lowest paying person on the staff, she stood up and she said, Mr. Marteau, there is nothing that we can do to help Mary. You know, after you've been through the shock and after you're been through all the other garbage, garbage that they had in those days. You know most alcoholics didn't survive the treatments. I didn't tell you about these showers that they hit us with that was to bring us over they were the needle point showers and they were fierce they hurt Charlie I don't know if you ever had those but they hurt like hell they were pin needles and then a principle behind them was to shake us prod us into sobriety a thick thick cookie like this and and this was putting it under these needle showers was to and I have often meditated on how many alcoholics didn't make it. I had in my favor that I was young and that I was strong but my health was good at that point in time although it was a little deteriorating as the time went by so I put, I found myself listening to what this broad was saying and there's nothing that can be done to help Mary and it was a piece of information that saved my life because I put it in a computer and it wasn't until a couple of years later that I brought it out again with time and experience and humiliation and degradation and heartache and headache and all the things that happened to me in the ensuing years the reality was there was nothing out there that could help me religion family love of family psychiatry shock treatments needles go to the farm go to beach go to mountains I've been them all. I've done them all I went my husband hired a place in Rockaway so I should get sober at the beach and of course I loved it what could be greater the ocean the beach and I had I loved swimming but I brought a bottle of gin with me and I laid on the beach and isn't this marvelous the sun came down and I want to get a beautiful tan but you see I passed out you pass out and then what happens the sun keeps relentlessly beating down on this white body and I guess I bear some of the marks today a bit with my liver damage and what have you this is cute I'm half whatever I am and so this I do volunteer work at a nursing home a little colored girl come up she said Miss Mary says use an Oreo you know I've been called lots of names use an Oreo I said why am I an Oreo she said you're half black and half white but getting back to this hearing which is so imperative to my story is the fact that it went into the computer and it did take a couple years more and it did take many more incarcerations and it did take much more eliminations one of the decisions made at that time my husband said well I see no sense of locking her up like an animal what would that how would that profit and there was no other answer folks that's the only answer I think Charlie mentioned where could you put a drunk you put him in a crazy house or you sent him to the skid road to the bridges or under the buildings or something because if If you're very rich, you hide them in the attic. I had a friend who hid her hands up in the attic for 40 years. But that was the reality of that time. Now we know we have all these other places. But you see, I love it all and I'm gracious for all the progress made in AA, but the reality is the program, only one God is the only one that can relieve us of our alcoholism and our willingness to work within this sphere his teachings, his love and his grace. That is the only thing that will bring us sanity, security and the ability to have a nice breakfast this morning. Him and him alone as we understand him. So great how wonderful it was that he gave Bill that phrase as we understood him. Like most of you I have a religious background and I did try to understand God and I went to Rome to figure it out and I put Portugal and honey it's not where it's at. He lives in our hearts like that speaker said he lives in our hearts and uh our job is to find him and to establish contact communicate and to fit our lives into his will and the kicker is we only have to do it a day at a time hey it's not a revelation gang is that when i got that message i said oh hallelujah And that's how I live on a day basis. Yesterday is forever beyond my control. All the mistakes and ridiculous possibilities, nothing mean nothing. Tomorrow, listen, my soul might be recorded in me tonight. God might need me up in heaven to run things. So my job is to labor and to wait. and I belong to a Bible class called Nearer Heaven we call ourselves the Nearer Haven group maybe you don't think that's funny but I think it's funny most of them are over 80 I'm near it and we call themselves the Near Heaven group it's lovely we have the best time we go on picnics we go up to North Carolina we go pick apples bread we have a ball we went to Titusville we go off to Gatlinburg and up to the you know Nashville this new place Bronson that they have all these wonderful singers and this new song that's out. What's the new song, Doris? Heartbreak what? I've got an achy, breaky heart? Yeah, I want to go see that guy. I wantto go seethatguy. Billy something or other. And Iwanttoseethatmovement. He's got a little different movement. It's... But you see, the joy of living, When I caught the Golden Grail, when God made it known to me that he was going to lean down and touch my life, and I was going get well for today, I was gonna earn my sobriety for today. I was gona be given a chance to make it today. And he surrounded me with sponsors, five men, who wrote a charter, and it said in that charter, no women allowed. God has a sense of humor because one of the first calls they got was from Bergen Pine Psychiatric Ward we have a broad here that needs to be taken out it was me and I know I'm taking too much time but I gotta tell you they met in the town hall in Teaneck, New Jersey and I lived in a hog no food all that medicine and they picked me up and they told me they didn't want women in the group there were a new group in Jersey there was just a newer group TNEC was about maybe third or fourth we had South Orange of course over there that's considered the original group but TNIC was one of the early groups and they let it be known they did not want any women we were a lot of problems and trouble but I'm too sick to fight back at this point but they take me to they take me to you're hopping yeah so they they take me to the town hall meeting that night and I have black eyes and I am very ill very, very ill and if I could have said no I won't go but I didn't have the strength they took me to the meeting so we get to the town Hall in Teaneck right off Teaneack Road Main Dragon Teanecks it's a lovely town Hall and it's the Monday night and they sort of lead me in the place And I think I heard music, but I ain't telling nobody. I learned a long time ago you never tell anybody that stuff. So up the stairs we go, one, two, three stairs, and then I thought I heard dogs. Oh, Mary, hold on, girl, hold On, don't let go, don' t let go. So up a few more steps, I go. And two men went and got me out of the hospital, brought me. And three men were standing in the door. Those were the five members. And they did what Charlie said. Charlie said, the greeters at the door, oh, so imperative, so important, so elegant. And we always had that in this clubhouse in New York. We had a greeting committee. We was poor as church mice. The furniture was all cottony, and you can't believe some of the stuff. And sometimes didn't have the 19 cents per pound of coffee. but you know something we had greeters at the door shiny faced people that say glad to see you they were glad to see me after I got out of a straitjacket I looked like hell and these people these nuts are telling me they're glad to see me but that's what we had in Teaneck we had the five so Johnny and Bill took their position and there were the five men at the door and as I come in this is Mary and everyone took my hand and one guy chuckled me under the chair and he said listen Goyle you can make it listen Goyle you can make it but meanwhile the meeting started and this happened the other thing then I had to go I had a go how do you tell five guys you gotta go come on so I which must have been I didn't want to I didn' t want to do what I would have done when I was drinking so I guess I must have weakened Bill was very kind and I said ladies room so I go into the ladies room and now I am sure I am out of my mind oh please I got to have something to hang on talk about calling upon God give me something to hang onto because in that bathroom were little bitty toilets this size little bity toilets why were there little biny toilets because in the daytime, that was used as the kindergarten. That room that we were in was used as the kindergarden. And the music I heard, I didn't find out until a couple of weeks later the music was the high school band practicing on Monday night and that particular night, the dog show, they had a dog show but I hung on But I hung on, and I had the sponsorship that is needed for a disbeliever and a Weisenheimer like myself. I had these five guys, and no one ever asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting. They said, listen, at 8 o'clock tomorrow, usually 7 because we had distances. In those days, we had great distances to go. We went to the Clinton down in Jersey. It took you four hours to get there, the prison group down there. So we left early. A couple of them were professional men. They could leave at their own discretion. And the name of the game was, listen, Tuts, you will be out in front of the house at 8 o'clock. I said, listen. I can't make it. I've got to. My eyes. My teeth had all been knocked out at this point. I had lost every tooth in my head. I was a fighting drunk. And when you fight in life, people beat you up. I didn't have a single tooth in me. my head. And I was 20, I was 28 approximately this time. And, uh, I said, you know, you know, when there's a meeting, I'll go find it. No, no, 8 o'clock in the morning, at 8 o' clock. And don't think we're walking up your walk and ringing your doorbell because we're not. You will be on the curb like garbage cans. It is from such things that our fellowship is built. It is from such realities that I got one day of sobriety. Hey, Baba Reva! Well, no teeth, because imagine telling, I got a week of sobrietty. And then, hey, fellas, I got two weeks of sobretty! They said, listen, sit down till we tell you to stand up. Now Now, there's a guy in this audience who knows those days. Sparky is here. He started the Sober Soaks and Kenafly, which was an adjoining group. So Sparky knows all these things I'm telling about. And he's been a joy all years, Sparky, to know you. And you are a Sparky. You are a spark plug of Alcoholics Anonymous. So anyhow, I was not guided to AA. I was asked if I would condescend to come to these meetings. if I would do you people a pleasure with my attendance. Hey, do you want this program? And are you willing to go to any lengths? Are we going to do it your way or are we going to do the AA way? And for once in my whole life I shut my fat mouth and I said the right thing. Otherwise they would have dumped me. I'm sure they would've. I said, Oh! No teeth, no teeth Black eyes Oh I look like hell Oh it's a terrible condition And I said You know I was in New York We don't want to know about your New York experience All you did was get drunk What are you doing today? Are you going to do it the AA way? We will give you every assistance and every advantage and every experience that we have But it's going to be done the Alcoholics Anonymous way. So I cried a little, and I showed my gums a little more, and I said, well, I guess I'll cry at the end of it. And here I am, folks. The journey has been pleasant. The journey has been beautiful. One of our themes over international, it's the joy of living. You know, folks, I want my share of problems. I want to be I want a man I want him I want his I want your share of aggravations. I want my disappointments like everybody else says. You know Norman used to say if we didn't get our share of problems we're the type that would bang on heaven's doors and demand my problems. but it has been a thing of beauty it's been walking with God this program and every hour is practicing the presence of God now you learn this folks you understand from this tutelage board with the black eyes and everything I didn't know this stuff but I have evolved in this program and if you stick around and if we go according to the suggestions and rules. You too will evolve. I don't know what into, but sorry, I'm a wise guy, you know. But anyway, I evolved and I'm 73 years young going on 74. And I am in such glorious health, it's pathetic. I feel sorry for him. I said, Lord, you know, he said, keep on keeping on, brood. I'll tell you when to stop. I thought, Lord do I have to speak and share and everything? He says, yes. You will keep giving until I stop giving to you. And when I stop given to you, then you can stop giving other people. So you know here, I'm here on a heavenly mandate folks. If I want to stay sober, I better be with you guys and gals. I better stick with you. And I never want to leave. I have a wonderful family. I had relatives galore, a lot of drunks in between. I have marvelous neighbors. I live in a fantastic, beautiful community. They all know I'm Alkies and they love me. And I have, you know, a member of the church. I told you, the Near Heaven group in my church. I am a respected member of my community. I am a award-winning volunteer. In fact, the women in the nursing home, the old elderly women in the nursing home named a group after me. It's called In Spite Of. and you know it's really true this girl one day I went in and I wanted to elevate and lift which we're supposed to do that's our job where the master's hands where the Master's eyes where themaster's feet and our job is to elevate to lift and to edify to encourage and I went into this sorrowful place which nursing homes are and I've been there over 40 years not this particular one but I've done a volunteer over 40 year thanks to AA in the grace of God And I read them something out of a little book. I don't know why I did it. I tell them I'm an alcoholic. You see, maybe some of them don't know what an alcoholic is. But I say, listen, I'm an alcoholic, but I love you, and I hope you love me. So I read something out of the book, and one woman picked up the phrase, in spite of. I wasn't conscious until later on she told me. I read the words, in despite of. and she picked up on that and she said we're going to call our group in spite of in honor of you Mary who said there's no reward in this program who says you don't get if you give you give a little you get at least 100% what did we used to say in the old days you put a little bread upon the water you get that cake you know that folks you get back cake you can't out give the Lord Nobody outgives God. With his children, he wants good for us. He wants the best for us, so we in turn have to at least produce something. We have to be the best we can be. What is that card that says that? You'd rather be the vest you can be, or is it the service? What is it, darling? You should know more about servicemen. It's just a taste of serviceman, you know. Well, it has been such a journey. It's been such a beautiful experience. My cup runneth over. Goodness and mercy have followed me and I hope someday to be in the house of the Lord. I had nothing when I came in here. I was nothing. I lost everything. I lost my guts. I lost myself. I lost mine in a man. I lost purpose. I lost meaning. I lost my health. But nothing in this world out here could bring any of those things back. Only a loving God as he makes himself known to us. Now, if we want that experience, we have to pursue it. Okay? We have to go after it. And I was guided by these men and then through them I was guided by new members that I met in the program. And I learned to listen, which was a new experience for me, to listen. And then I learned how to listen and to take it home and to mull over it and to put it in perspective and then to put into operation in my life. I had a wonderful sponsor and she described me well. She said, Mary, you are what the The book says, a rebel without a cause, you're a drag. You're a pain in the neck. You are a person who has been going this way all your life. And she said, there you're down there. Now AA's got to get you. We've got to reverse you. And she's right. I had to learn new ideas, new principles, new attitudes, new strengths, new words. Serenity, peace. I didn't know nothing about those words. Life was a hassle. Life was grind. You had to keep moving. This problem says no. Through prayer and meditation, we establish our conscious contact with God as we understand him. Praying only, Lord, for knowledge of your will for me. And give me the power. Give me thepower, Lord. To carry that out. And that's my daily prayer. I make no apologies on it. God made the difference. God brought me into AA. God maintained me in AA. And every day I put my knees wherever I am, like Charlie. I don't throw my shoes under the bed, but the dust gets terrible under my chairs. So once in a while, you know, I pray sometimes standing on the corner, waiting on the A&T line or waiting in the Winn-Dixie, you now, wherever I'm at. Wherever I am. Lord, I'm your servant, and I'm reporting for duty. Someone taught me that in early AA. Just be a good soldier and report to the top man every morning and ask him what his will is for your life. And Lord, whatever it is, you and I can handle together. If you push, Lord, I'll pull. And sometimes I do reverse them because I'm very contrary, you know. I say, Lord if I'll push, you push. You see? But it is a personal relationship with God as we understand Him. And it's been a beautiful life. And if I were to go home tonight and be called in, I expect to go to heaven, folks. And you see my halo? But if I would have been called home tonight, given account of my life, I would start with my coming into Alcoholics Anonymous. You meeting me at the door, you loving me, saying, come on in, Broad. There's a better way. There is a better ways. You don't got to be a loser. You have a right to win! That's the message that I got. And that's the message I keep in my heart and in my spirit and I have it in the marrow of my bones and I have it in my flowing bloodstream. I was born for victory. I am a child of the king. I have a reason, a purpose and his plan. I'm part of the universe and somewhere, somehow, I must find my position and I must do what the master wants. And I do follow this poem. My sponsor used to say it when she closed she'd say when you get what you'll want in this journey called life and the world makes a queen for a day mary you must go to that mirror and you must look in that glass and you must see what that broad has to say for it's never your father your mother your boss whose judgment upon you must pass the only person who counts most in your life is that babe staring back from the glass. You could fool the whole world in this journey called life and you get pats on the back as you pass, but your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you've cheated that girl in the glass, she's the person to mind, never mind all the rest because she's with you clear up to the end and you've passed your most dangerous difficult test if that girl in the class is your friend. This morning, I looked at Mary Motto, hey kid, you're my friend. Thank you folks.