Marilyn S. Explains How the Big Bang Fits Into a Higher Power

About This Speaker Tape

1970, a car idling against a curb, a husband opening the door to find a woman blackout drunk with children in the back. Marilyn S. entered the program as a confirmed atheist who worshiped the Big Bang and the speed of light. For her, the Third Step was a mystery; she viewed the idea of a Higher Power as a myth in the category of Dracula and the Easter Bunny. She describes her early sobriety as a series of dependencies, attaching to her first sponsor like a "tick on a dog" or "fungus on a tree."

After decades of wreckage—including a professional collapse where a missing grant section cost her lab millions—she found a Higher Power not in a church, but in the structure of the Pacific Group. From wearing a lead bulletproof vest to work to a spiritual awakening by the Sea of Galilee, Marilyn traces a path of "big climbs" and "meadows," eventually finding a peace that allows her to sponsor other women and embrace a life of productive citizenship.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Marilyn S. opens with gratitude for the weekend and introduces the concept of 'coming to believe' as a recurring process.
• 4:15 Describes her early identity as a confirmed atheist who sought a Higher Power in the laws of science and the Big Bang.
• 8:30 Recounts the 'dangerous mom' years and the moment her husband found her passed out in the car with the children.
• 12:45 The impact of a 12 Step call from Lorena, which leads her to her first sponsor, Marion W.
• 17:20 Laughter: The 'script' Marion W. gave her for answering the mysterious question 'How are you?'
• 21:10 Discusses the pain of her first sponsor moving away and the need to break human dependencies.
• 26:40 The 'abyss' of psychic pain following her 5th Step and the coincidence of the Pachelbel's Canon recording.
• 32:15 The story of the missing 18 pages of the NIH grant and her subsequent suicidal ideation.
• 38:50 A spiritual epiphany at the Sea of Galilee in Israel with her daughter, Susie.
• 44:10 The joy of sponsoring women and the tragedy of Sally's pancreatic cancer diagnosis.
• 51:00 Reflections on the 'moment before eating honey' and the nature of a peaceful exit from this life.