Making Amends – Herb K – Workshop – Part 14 of 25 – Herb

Well, good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. My name is Herb and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to our Zoom video conference, big book, 12-step workshop. Please join me in the prayer for an open mind and heart. The set aside prayer, God, please set aside everything that I think I know about myself my brokenness, my spiritual path and you for an Open Mind and a new experience of myself my brokenness, my spiritual path, and to special needs. Please join me in the serenity prayer. God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things that cannot change Courage to change the things I can and lose them to know the difference We're fostering our spiritual lives Actually our lives I don't need the word spiritual we're foster in our human lives by doing a very human process by engaging in an organic methodology for transformation at the simplest level it's a transformation of consciousness we started out really based on what Gurdjieff uses as his phrase a Russian philosopher most human beings are asleep dreaming that they're awake and Bill Wilson set up the 12th step as the mission statement and the proposition having had a spirit I have used the metaphor of a rocket launch rocket into the fourth dimension he says in the page 25 in the big book rocketed into a fourth dimension it's pretty dramatic fourth dimension the world of spirit the world of image world of inability the world of faith we don't know it's there we don t feel it's there we have no certain or emotion around necessarily there is formula for it there's no science for there's no verifiable evidence-based mechanism for us but we witness other people living lives that flourish lives of optimism lives of consciousness lives of compassion we witness it in other people and that they're basically happy not in silly addiction happiness momentary temporary no not that but long term a sense of balance and contentment a sense of context for their lives a sense of meaning and value and personal self-esteem when we see it all around us some of us have experienced it either momentarily or on an ongoing basis and that's what this organic process the rocket begins I believe with suffering we for whatever reason were given the gift of awareness of suffering and intolerance for it the majority of human races experience suffering but they tolerated because they either don't know that they're suffering because it's been such a way of life or they don't know that there's any type of alternative and solution to it for whatever reason and we're blessed and i'm humbled by this blessing and grateful for this blessing that i was aware that i'm suffering and that i was willing to listen to and take direction. Listen to, accept and take direction for actions that people suggested. I didn't know the correctness of what they were suggesting. I did it know the effectiveness of what they were suggested but for whatever reason I'm still boggled by that that willingness no resistance at all actually that was a gift in itself not even that i suffering inside of me i knew i was spring outside of me my wife was hospital for her alcoholism that had created a lot of suffering in the family then I discovered my own suffering in terms of my own alcohol problem and then addiction and alcoholism and after four years of recovery in a new a meeting every day and a sponsor every day I finally did the steps I'm giving a recap because I think it's such important piece of of information that we don't get a sense like addicts want that there's any immediate relief or any immediate formula and solution. Everything I have experienced has taken a long time, not weeks, not months, years. Don't mean to discourage anybody, but I do mean to set a sense of appropriate and healthy expectation. The good news is I didn't know that it was going to take so long. The good new is I did not know what I was doing, I was just doing. I wasn't resisting, I wasn�t conscious of it. I had a progressive experience with powerlessness. It took about 10 years for me to have a full experience with it only because I was given the information and the direction incrementally over those 10 years in four different encounters with a sponsor, and then with three-step guidance. That's not going to be your experience if you're on this call for the first time because I give the process to you as I've experienced it now integrating all of those instructions and all of that experience. So you have the opportunity of knowing the three parts of the first step, body, mind, and will. And then taking the suggestions for actually having an experience with each of those, setting the platform for the decision of faith. God is or God isn't, what is your choice? And the next decision of Faith, choosing to turn to have a relationship step three choosing to term from myself will which does cause my suffering I saw it in unmanageability those bedevilments that spiritual malady placing myself or wanting to be placed or willing to take actions to place myself in alignment with reality step 3 immediately going into step 4 doing an inventory of the obstacles in me to that alignment and then talking about it in step 5 this is now the second stage of the rocket launch the first stage being steps 1 through 3 the second state being removing obstacles in me to that relationship that I desire with the spirit and the power deep inside it taking a look at another inventory in step six step four is an inventory of the exact nature of the obstacles step six is an inventory of the behavior that comes from it and step eight is an inventory of the harms that come from those behaviors this is a very organic unpacking of our human nature and a transformation of the source of the problems ourself will progressively having our will turned and being turned to be in alignment step 7 acknowledging that we're powerless and praying just like we had in step four we acknowledged the powerlessness of our resentments the power lesseness of our fears the power lesness of our dishonesty and each time the book suggested that we pray step seven my creator that's how darned brilliant I hope Bill was conscious of the way this prayer is constructed coming out of step six seeing that I'm defective and I need to be recreated and I pray the prayer my creator and then I move on to the third stage the final stage of the rocket launch another inventory of the harms done the harms not being my be here please hear that it's a critical distinction that most people miss when I I ask my people what harm did they commit this talking behavior I understand that it's a good place to start but it's just not the harms the harms come from the years impact on me or other people I gossiped I lost a job I stole money it was the of my security and economics assets I was unfaithful I create embarrassment and insecurity and a lot of stress in my family my behavior is not the harm the harm is the impact of that behavior on somebody else or intuition financial physical mental emotional spiritual those are five categories that are mentioned in the big book and in the twelve and twelve may be more and so I have in the eight step using three by five cards that's my recommendation this is mechanical but it really helped me because I put the name of first harmed the behavior I did a specific harm that it caused and once I finished all of that and reviewed all of that with my step guide then connecting to the repair the dead the rehabilitate them that to institution or to the person now there are some I mean you can't change history the ninth step requires a lot of imagination creativity prayer and experience direction as i've mentioned several times steps eight and nine a sacred journey not to be done by yourself we can't be object because we're the subject and we don't have enough experience even the step guy who took me through the steps who had tremendous experience said in one area he didn't have any experience with that particular harmed woman 25 years earlier he said i don't know whether you should in fact open up that can of worms again because the big book suggests very clearly we're not to create harm to other people just to get free ourselves and even if you were to open the depth I don't know what you could do or say or how to watch it even because it's just not my experience you humility and a sense of objectivity he said go to a woman in the program who you trust and who you suspect have experienced enough to give you objective guidance and I did that. And I followed her guidance, and I made contact with this person from 25-30 years ago. She was open to hearing from me. We had a conversation during which she expressed gratitude for my acknowledgement of the harms that I had done earlier two three decades earlier at the end of the conversation he expressed her gratitude for the healing that had taken place in her I had not mentioned the word healing but that was her experience from this process she got free I got later on in understanding this process of steps forth through nine I understood the process of forgiveness I looked up the word in the dictionary forgiveness it means a decision to release them how gentle that how profound is that forgiveness I'm holding on to resentment or I'm holding on sadness or I'm holding on to hurt they did betray me didn't hurt me I did betray them I did hurt them I make a decision release all of that by discussing it with somebody and asking them is there anything else that I didn't talk about this is the ninth step dance has four movements I cried to them in succinct terms not the drama or the detail but just very laser focus this is my perception of what I did and how it harmed you is accurate is there anything else I've not talked about that in fact did harm and that you would like to talk here the component parts of that I am NOT doing therapy I am not asking them who those things that they're not comfortable by asking them is there anything else you would like to talk about in the area of my harming you. And I do not defend myself, I do NOT explain, I DO NOT excuse my alcoholism, my addiction, none of that. My father and mother, my family of origin, my life's experiences, none of that is relevant the only relevant thing is I did this and it harmed you and I listen and then I suggest how I plan on changing and have changed and because amend has two components one amend I plan on changing my behavior so that I don't create the Jenny longer amend the meaning i hear the damage that i did in the best way and creative way that i can i cannot change history but i can acknowledge and bring healing to the present to the best of my ability and then i say is that an adequate response of repair and change and is there anything else that you would like me to do that's the fourth movement first i acknowledge what i did and the harm i suspected did second i ask if it's accurate and whether or not they have anything else to talk about third i suggest what my change is and what my repair is and fourth i ask that is there anything else that you want me to do. I don't have to do what they ask me to do but I'm encouraged to ask, I'm encouraging you to ask it and then if it's not reasonable by a conversation with your sponsor not just in your own imagination then you figure out a creative way of handling it. I had a man who had been divorced 25 years and he went he made an effort at making contact with his estranged wife and she wouldn't return his phone calls or his emails and so I said finally okay so sit down and write a letter indicating generally what you want to talk about and that you'd like a conversation on the phone but more preferably a conversation face-to-face and the first letter he wrote was a draft and he read it to me and please do not let anybody send a letter to anybody that you haven't vetted as a sponsor meaning rare or heard because they're just in the beginnings of getting themselves ironed out in terms of the wrinkles in their souls and in their emotions and this man wrote i mean this was his draft letter dear ex-wife i really am sober now and i'm really sorry and regret so many of the things that you experienced in our marriage and my drinking however if you hadn't been such a i wouldn't have had to drink so much i go yeah that's not quite the tone that we're going to capture i hope you're smiling because i like a little humor to all of them and so he finally toned it down and got it right he's owning his behavior and looking not at all not at all not all at her behavior or how that might have impacted him because it's the only relevant perspective is what did I do to harm you well she got the letter called him within a week they had the appointment at the end of the appointment he went through the four-part movement as I described it he said is there anything else you would like me to do and she yes right didn't Didn't didn't lose a minute Write me a check for $25,000 and we'll call it even And he had an presence to say timeout. I need to talk to my sir He came back view his history his legal stuff his Alamo the his child support is split of the assets all that we reviewed it in detail and he was clear that it was totally appropriate what they did at the time of the divorce and I was clear he was cleared and I said so she's blackmailing you don't write her leave a message hopefully you won't get her on the phone leave the message I will not be complying with your request simple no judgment no commentary just know we don't have to do how do you make amends today people this man suggested my father had been cremated his ashes spread 12 years earlier and this man said that I go as a symbol to the local cemetery he was in terms of his ashes or his body but it was a symbol of his he said and take a padded and a box of Kleenex because you're a crier and spend some time in meditation and write out the amends as if your father's president to you and then once you've written it out in the four-part movement then read it out loud was extremely powerful process happy to have the kleenex and when left after two hours I was free now I had done the fourth and fourth column resentment I had done the prayer for the removal of the deep resentments I had done step seven specifically I had don't step eight and got a review with my step guide on assess and the procedure it wasn't because I was sitting there writing a letter that it all magically happened and i'm saying it because of the process and it's organic it's a process of making a decision to release them steps four through nine is the process of forgiveness if you're interested in more information on that read forgive for good by friend luskin he's a clinical psychologist phd doctor at stanford university um he did his doctoral thesis on forgiveness and then converted it 30 years ago to a book for us to learn about the dynamics of the forgiveness process from a psychological standpoint is six stages of forgiveness completely conform to our steps four through nine the vocabulary is different but underneath the dynamic is the same in the discussion with him in all humilities but use 12 step people you spiritual people have a real advantage he said what's that fred he said you have god you have a power other than yourself it's the x plus factor that really brings a power to this process that I can't bring in the science and in the psychology of the development. How do you make amends to people that you can't find or that you shouldn't? There were people I wanted to see, but once my sponsor step guide began asking me questions about my motives it was clear I didn't have healthy motives. girlfriends for instance old affairs for instance no he never told me what to do either to do or not to do never he always asked questions so that i could come to grips with my motives my beliefs what part was ego and what part with spirit The people that I wanted to see, some of them, I saw that I shouldn't see. The people I didn't want to see because of the questions I saw. That's just my ego protecting itself. No, I need to go see those people. I need a sounding board to be objective. I cannot be objective because I'm the subject. the people that i cannot see or i cannot find or i don't even know their names i created a prayer practice for we can make amends for every harm done let's get really clear on that i hear in the meetings i'll never finish my amends ignorant they're not getting good direction you can finish your amends it might take a long time dead people people that you can't see people that you shouldn't see, people that you can find you can make amends a one-day practice of prayer for healing a three-day practice of Prayer for Healing a three week practice of a prayer for Healing a three month practice for a Prayer for healing depending on the nature of the harm done don't make it up yourself because some of us are either real sloppy in terms of cutting ourselves too much slack or real perfectionist in terms of way to demanding of ourselves it's the balance it's the middle road that's where an experienced person it might be your sponsor and step guy and then again they may be able to help you with 80% 90% percent but you need ten or fifteen or twenty percent of the material to talk with somebody else who have maybe an attorney maybe a psychologist maybe a psychiatrist maybe a priest or minister or rabbi or a different sponsor or different gender go to somebody who has experience with what the specifics are of this particular situation if it sounds like a lot of work it is if it sounds like it's humiliating it is embarrassing absolutely that's the point I wonder what part of deflation of ego sounds like walking in the park remember how Bill phrases it, and I'll end with this on page 14. Simple but not easy. A price has to be paid. It means the destruction of self-centeredness. Not gentle. I must turn in all things to the Father of light who presides over us all. That's the turning. That' s the turning, that's the to be in alignment with and in the care and protection of the spirit of the universe underlying that totality of things another phrase from the thing at the end of the ninth step bill says we've entered the world of the Spirit so there's a three-stage rocket launch the point is to be placed in orbit around the light, capital L. To be placed in orbit, around the line. And then we stay in orbit as I mentioned right from the beginning of the workshop with the tools of 1011 and 12 will continue to talk about step nine for a while. But we'll also refresh ourselves by looking at step 10. I believe that's assignment number 23. We did a dive into it at the beginning of the workshop and we'll do a deep dive and reconnoiter step 10 beginning next week. We'll continue with the ninth step actually getting more experiential with specific amends yours and mine so that people can ask questions and share experiences. Thank you for your diligence and your vulnerability please join me in the serenity prayer. God grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference have a great week bye-bye stay safe