Making Amends and Wreckage of the Past – Workshop: Steps 1 – Part 4 of 11 – Angie

Hi everybody, my name is Angie and I'm an alcoholic. I am really, really glad to be here. I want to thank the Fifth Tradition Group for having me here. I have had a blast. We had so much fun at the workshop and it was just an awesome deal. I'm just, you know, and Robert and Carrie, I just appreciate you guys so much. Thank you so much for everything. And, you know, I've got some new friends and I'm just really overwhelmed with the love that you guys have shown me here today. And I'm Just Happy. I'm happy to be sober. Man, I'm Happy About Life. I'm JUST, you Know, I'M JUST A HAPPY CHICK. I'M Just A HAPPY CHIC. I am so, and is Rachel still here? Thank you so much for what you said. That was just straight from your heart. I really appreciated that. I really truly did. You guys give Rachel. So let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm originally from Greenville, South Carolina. Oh good, some of my relatives, great. and back home we lived in a little white house on a red dirt road we got our water out of wells we took baths in big steel tubs we drank buttermilk and we ate cornbread on a regular basis i'm from a family of baptist ministers and i had flaming red hair and freckles and nobody else in my family did and so my brother had me locked in the outhouse one night and he said I know he said I know why you look the way you do he said because the mailman is your daddy so the next day I saw the mail me and I was like daddy and I ran up to him and he put his arms around me and he told me how cute I was and he patted me on the head and and thank god for the big book of alcoholics anonymous in the steps and sponsorship. I found out that turned out to be a little pattern for me, actually. That if you just pat me on the head and tell me how cute I was, we were basically married at that point. A couple of days ago, I was listening to a song that Carrie Underwood, the words were, i don't even know your last name i was like finally they wrote a song about it awesome awesome so like i said i'm from a family of baptist ministers and we moved from my well my dad got transferred to cincinnati ohio and so he moved up there and he was traveling back and forth finding this a place to live and in the process of him finding this place to to live, he got himself a little girlfriend. And he moved us up to Cincinnati to this little small town and he went to live with this woman and her children not too far away from us. And I spoke at the Miami Roundup and my brother left home in 1978 from a resentment. And He moved down to Miami and he never returned back to Cincinnati. He has grown children that neither one of my parents have ever seen. So I'm going down there to speak, I haven't seen him, we talked to him on the phone but I hadn't seen and so I got down to miami and I called him and he came to pick me up. And it's just one of the things that makes me extremely grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, because we went to go and he came to pick me up at the hotel. And he's in his big, big, big Ford truck. He looked just like he did. But man, he was mad. He was an angry, angry dude. I mean, we got back to his house. And it was a very, very small house. And so he said, sit on the couch, which had plastic on it, which was scary. And so I sit down on the couch and he's got this huge television. So it's like, I'm on the coach and the TV's like this. And he's saying, you want the remote? And I was like, no, I think I can change the channel. I'm good. And uh, he starts talking about, this is all mine right here. When I came here, I made a life for myself. This is all my land. This is All Mine. Drank him a beer. We talked a little bit. Talked about when we were younger. And then he drank another beer. And I saw something happening to him. He started getting even more mad. And I was like, Ooh, well, look at the time. I better get back to the hotel so he goes I'll take you back so something's happening to my brother so we're on the highway and you know you go through those little things uh where if you don't pay they'll take your picture oh he's driving I mean he's doing it hard we drive right through there? He said, say cheese. And I was like, for what? He said, they just took your picture. Oh, okay. I'm thinking, aren't you going to get tickets? He didn't care. He was just mad at everybody and everything. And he dropped me off at the hotel and I went back upstairs and I called my sponsor and I told her what happened. And the only thing she said was, aren't you glad you have a solution for your resentment? First of all, the resentment was really mine. And then he got one because my dad had this nice Impala, man. I mean, we all wanted it. And my brother knew that at 16 that he was going to get that car and my dad gave it to steps up. Oh, I mean, my brother's 61 years old and he is still mad. That's why I'm so thankful for Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't have to be mad until I'm, first of all, I'm nowhere near 61. Let's get that out there. So anyway, we move up to this little town called Laughlin and I'll tell you what, when we moved up there, my brothers and sisters automatically knew how to go outside and communicate with kids and talk to them and have a good time. I was the person that watched them do that. I just was not good at that stuff. Man, I was scared of everything. You know, like it was like, it just felt like as a young kid that like the whole world was just going to crumble. That feeling of fear. So my mother decided because she had cleaned bathrooms for a living, she decided that we would never have to do that kind of work. She said, you will get an education. You will talk proper English. And she meant that. And she sent me to a Catholic school. So now I got a big red afro, a white blouse, a plaid skirt. Oh, it was unbelievable. I mean, I saw me every day. I had never seen a black person with red hair and freckles. So I knew it was just me against the world. I knew that. I really did. I knew dat. And so this girl named Squeaky, Squeaky was like 5'10 in the fifth grade. And she hung out with these little girls that, you know, like would beat all the kids that were different up. So they would chase me home from school every single day, man. And one day, they stoned me. I mean, you Know, I haven't seen anybody stoned since I just watched the Bible. You know what I mean? Oh my God, I so knew what that guy was going through every time one of them boulders hit him in his forehead. You know What I mean. I knew what That felt like. And so, I get home, I run in the house and I run upstairs and I tell my mother, I said whoo they're about to kill me but I've made it home and my mother whenever she sounded like this she said you know Angela at some point you got to learn how to stand up for yourself so Angelo what I'm gonna need you to do is you go out there and you stand up to squeaky I said you want me to do what she said or you could stay in here and get the butt whooping that I'm again and I knew what my mother's felt like and I knew what squeaky's appeared to be so I walked out to her and they were all standing up that oak tree and oh my god and I walked up to and I said my mother said I'm close well no it sounded like this my mother says I'm supposed to fight you and she said well come on in so I thought that the committee that I heard about when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous when you guys would be talking about the committee I thought that that only happened like as an adult but I learned looking back that it was there when I was younger because I was standing in front of this big Amazon and I remember I closed my eyes as tight as I could and I bowed my fist up as tight I could. And whenever my brother would be play fighting with his friends they'd have pinkies up and he would rock back and forth like this. So I'm standing in front of this Amazon like this so the committee says just remember reach up when you swing just reach up and the other one over here going she gonna kill you man I swear you know what I mean? And the other ones going do it do it now so all of a sudden I just was like and I reached up and I got her like right here it was like the happiest day of my life I had hit the giant man oh I was so happy man but she didn't budge she didn'T budge at all when I hit her and I remember looking at her eye to eye and I say you can really kill me huh and she gave me the big beat down but I got this thing called alcoholism and it helps me remember what I should forget and forget what I shouldn't remember. And what I forgot was the big beatdown. What I remembered was this. And that's what I heard every time I got in a fight. Until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, that's when I got the beatdowns. That's what i heard. If somebody got... I remember when I caught sober, I said, you better tell somebody about me. I'm known around Cincinnati as a knockout queen. I was telling all the old timers that at the coffee bar one day. One of them was like, you need to get a sponsor I was like You need to check my track record That's what you need To do buddy Get a sponsor for Last sponsor I had bought me a t-shirt For softball Is that what you guys Do around here But then you know, you work the steps You gotta get a little honest And you know they called me the knockout queen Because every time somebody hit me they knocked me out You know, so that's the story. They knocked me out every time. So I'm going to this Catholic school and I'm having a little problem with the nuns. And you know, I would do things like sit in the bathroom and like peel off the butter spots and then flip them up on the ceiling. And by the time it was time for me to go back to class, it'd be about 50 packs up there. And I was like, wow, why do I even need school? i mean look at what they let me do and we had to go to to uh to uh mass oh day and i remember my mother sat us down she goes i don't care what you do do not go up there when they're at communion and take that little cookie don't do it guess what i heard cookie they giving out cookies so i remember getting in line the next day they're swinging incense it's all kinds of partying stuff going on and i get up to the priest and he puts it i said he said something and he puts it on my tongue and i'm telling you i could not wait I just couldn't believe like every day, man. They go up there to get a cookie, man I don't even get a cookies My mother don't believe in cookies You know what I mean? But they give them out every day And I started walking away and I bit into it And Sister Frances Ellen was looking at me Because she's like, wait a minute And I bit Into it I said, this ain't no cookie You guys are fake So Sister Frances took me out, and they called my parents. And back then, they could actually hit you. And she, you know, gave me a couple of sobering swats. And my mother and father came to the school. My father said, what is going on? Why are you in line? You're not Catholic. My answer, I don't know. They was giving out cookies. those aren't cookies. The next time they came, you are in the third grade, why are you telling people you are pregnant? This is how my mind works, people. So I'm going to tell you something, when I took a drink of alcohol, I got some relief because I was doing all kinds of crazy stuff, all kindsof crazy stuff. So my mother ends up, when we were living down in the projects, My mother had got a job at a restaurant. She waited tables and she sent us to private school. That's how hard my mother worked. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I told everybody my mother didn't even love me. Thank God for sponsorship and the book. Because for a long time I assassinated my mother's character in meetings of AlcoholicsAnonymous. But once you start working the steps and incorporating the traditions into your life, the perception changes. And my mother work her butt off to see that we had everything we needed. So she got a better job working for a company called Avon, she worked at the plant, and my mother moved us from the projects into our first house, a ranch-style brick house. Oh it was beautiful, it had a lot of backyard, oh my God, it was an all white neighborhood so from the age of 13 to 20 I wasn't even black no more. I listened to Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band. My favorite girl group was Heart. And the first concert I ever went to, baby, was Led Zeppelin, baby. 1970. Oh my God, I got to tell you this. So I was at the Ted Nugent Foreigner concert one night and Foreigner was singing Feels Like the First Time and I looked around that coliseum. It was about 30,000 white people and me. well I took out my air guitar I said I am bad I can play my air guitar I could play it good it's all I did drunk at concerts that's all I did listen to me in my head man I stayed in my head so bad you guys it was pathetic I'm telling you I remember one time and I don't mean no disrespect to AA it's just a couple of drugs in my story don't panic. Just inhale, breathe out slowly. So I had met my best friend, Rebecca. And Rebecca, I hung out with these five white girls. They could do whatever they wanted to do. I couldn't believe it. So we're at my friend Rebecca's house and Rebecca, we're down in the basement with her brothers and her mother comes down. She goes, Rebecca, That's my white woman voice. Rebecca? She said, family meeting. And every person in this house rose up like a choir and went upstairs. And so I went with them. I had never seen anything like it. And so we get upstairs. Rebecca's mother was just this tall, stomp woman. She had a beautiful wine glass in her hand. She would spin it around. she said Rebecca your father well this is what I heard she might not have said it but this is what her she said Rebekah your father and I has been communicating I swear that's what I heard we understand that there's been some alcohol consumption and Rebecca your father and i agree that if you're gonna drink we'd rather you drink at home She goes, yeah, she wants us to drink at home because it's safer. I thought that was the closest family I ever met. I remember I went to my house and I was like, Mama! Can I have a beer? She was like uh-uh. It's okay, I'm going down to Becky's. She said just don't be late. And I started hanging out with Rebecca. And one night Rebecca came over to my house with a brown bag. Two bottles in it. Boone's Farm Apple Wine. See, it happened again. I'm telling you, I talk at my church on a regular basis. When I tell them that I drank Boone's Farm, they don't have the reaction that you guys do. They feel really, really sorry for me. That I am so excited about drinking a wine that a grape has never been bought. So she said that we had to hit the bottom of the bottle and twist the cap off and drink it as long and as hard as we could. And her brothers had schooled her in the art of chugging, and that is what we were to do and we did that. And I can tell you that I took that first swig and something happened to me that did not happen to my friend Rebecca. Man, there was a warmth that hit the bottom of my feet and it rose slowly through my whole entire body. And I made a decision in that moment that I was going to do this every opportunity I got. Don't worry about school. Nothing. I knew. Man, because it's like when it got to the top of my head, I didn't even have red hair and freckles no more, man. I was somebody. I was somebody. And I was making people laugh. I remember I punched Rebecca. And so we just started drinking and hanging out, man. Drinking all the time. Quit listening to my parents, quit showing up at home. The whole shebang, just drinking. I thought everybody partied. I mean, we drank and just did the most ridiculous stuff. And if you're an artist like me, you know that one day somebody's going to discover me. Anybody ever had that feeling? Somebody's going discover me! Like, I wouldn't even be singing. Like, somebody would just walk up to me and go, do you sing? That's how I saw it! And I would be just, hey, my name's Bob from Everett Records. I just happen to have a contract. That's how I saw it. And so my parents, they had tried to help me. I mean, I'm drinking and I'm drinkin' hard. I'm goin' strong. Smoked a little marijuana. I ain't really like that because it seemed like my answer to everything was whoa. You know what I mean? You know, so it was like everything. I accepted the unacceptable under the influence of marijuana. I remember I went to school and they was throwin' matches in my hair. They said pepper. Man, your afro's on fire. I was like, whoa. I mean, I walked around until my afro was smoldering like cones. So I knew I couldn't do that. And then I ate everything that had been in everybody's freezer for about ten years. You know what I mean? And trying to explain to people how good celery sandwiches were. You know What I Mean? So I knew I really didn't like the whole marijuana thing and, you know, I tried some hallucinogens and they got me a mental health diagnosis. But I have to tell you guys this. I was with my friend and we used to ride around. Rebecca had a convertible, Mustang, oh it was nice, red Mustang with a white convertible and man we would ride around and just terrorize the whole time. So one day my friend Rebecca, she had these two little pills. She said, here, take them. She said but just take one. But how many of y'all know I took two? Yeah. Yeah. I still, I do that with vitamins today. So, so I take the two little pills. It was strawberry mescaline. Right. would turn out to be a really bad day so we're riding around and it hits and I kid you not it just felt like the car just went and they decided they want to go to McDonald's so I'm tripping they're laughing we pull up to the McDonald's I kid you not the steering wheel just popped out like and so it had like a fur thing on it which was even scarier you know what I mean and the McDonald's arch was shining so bright so hard on the side of my back my sunglasses turned around this way so we now for you youngins it wasn't always digital back in the day it was a little yellow box with about nine holes in it so I pull up to it when I pull up to you know this guy is hollering at me what do you want but that's what he said to me I swear I heard that what you want tell me what you won't tell me what you own now so I'm an alcoholic if you attack me nine times out of ten I'm attack you right back so I told him I said no dude what's your little buddies what do they walk with me so I'm having this situation with the box but as much as I like to fight I knew that I could whoop him because he is only about this big you know what I mean so then we go up to the next window after they done said whatever they said to my friend to calm him down in the box we go to the next window and some girl I kid you not she pulls this thing open her eyelashes were like, I said, what the hell? And I swear she was like, give me your money. Give me your money now. Give him your money and I'm like, why did y'all bring me here? This is awful. So then we get to the fire window, right? Some dude opens up the window and his visors like, salt and ketchup. Salt and ketchup! I put my car in park. I didn't know what to do. I froze. I frozen. Traffic was so backed up that they called the police. Right. So the police come, right? Now he's got, I parked at the drive-thru like this. He gonna pull his cruiser like right there. He gets out of his cruisers. I was tripping so bad y'all When he got out of his cruiser and started walking towards me, everything on him was jiggling. Everything on him was jiggly. You know what I mean? And then right when he got up close, that little badger was like, you're going to jail! I swear that's what he said. So alcohol is my thing. Alcohol is my thing. I mean, come on now. Why should a person have to go through all that? You know what I mean? Let me tell you, one night, I was at an all-white party, the only black person there. I took some acid. I'm sitting there in front of the fireplace, okay? I'm melting. This how bad I'm tripping. I're melting. But if I look away, right when I get to my ankles, I'd come back to life. So here I'm at the all-white party. All you saw was me sitting on the couch like this. They asked Becky, they was like, what's wrong with your friend? She's like, she's okay. She told me she was melting. Oh, okay. So just leave her alone. What if I slip? What if I slip and I don't look to the right? And the whole thing just goes into the fireplace. You know what I mean? So, yeah, I just had some fear going on there. So alcohol is my thing. And I'm telling you that not because I'm trying to break any kind of tradition, just to let you know that, you know, I'm an alcoholic who's done some, you Know, just a couple little substances. You know, alcohol is My Thing. So meet this guy. If you're an artist like me, you'll know. You're going to be discovered. I'm at working at a recording studio. My dad got me a job. I hit my best Whitney Houston And I come out of the bathroom And his brother's standing there in a suit and he goes was that you singing I Said well, yeah as a matter of fact it was He said I could make you famous. Really? All you gotta do is come to Vegas with me. No problem. So I went home and I called a family meeting. When they finally all got there, I said I'll be back for you all after I get my first Grammy. Never again will we have to live in poverty. My mother was like, we don't live in poverty. Whatever! I'll be back for you all. And my father was like Angie, please, don't go. And my little sister was like Angie, don' t go. My brother was like Don' t come. My mom's like So I left and I went out to Vegas with this guy and I was a young girl out in Vegas singing at casinos making a lot of money opening up for some of the biggest people and having the time of my life. Alcohol was flowing freely. I drank as much as I possibly could. Didn't even think about, never occurred to me that there was any kind of limit for me because I'm an alcoholic. When I put alcohol in my system, I drink until I'm done. And done may be passed out. Done may be pass out at your house, on your couch. I'm the type of person that'll come over to your house this is why you wouldn't want me as a friend when I was drinking. I'mthe type of person that'd come overto your house for lunch and be opening up your presents with your kids at Christmas time. I never really had anywhere to go, you know what I mean? So I'm out in Vegas, me and this gentleman and things are starting to spiral down because something's starting to happen to me that didn't happen to me prior to that. I'm drinking and I'm not, I know it probably has not happened to any of you guys in here. But I'm drinking and I'm starting to not remember things, and I am waking up next to people. I know none of y'all did it, but I did. Waking up next the people and both of us wake up and look at each other and go, D! He's got one tooth and it's gold. Yeah, alcohol was my thing. So I continue partying and just drinking and singing and drunk on stage and crying like the band would be playing one song and it'd be another one playing in my head. I'd just be like, feelings. Oh God, why me? You know what I mean? And they could be playing because I got a peaceful, easy feeling. And I'm like, nothing more than feelings. And finally the guys in the casino said, you know what Angie? Honey, you can't work here. Why don't you try drinking just one? Why don'T you just drink wine. Don't drink whiskey. It makes you mean. All that stuff it talks about, those recipes it talked about in the book. People were saying to me, honey, do this, don't do that. It wasn't until I got to AA that I ever heard the first drink was a problem. I remember I was sitting at an AA meeting and this old-timer said, you know, So, if you don't drink, you won't get drunk. What? What does that mean? What does that mean?" So this gentleman and I, we started, we had everything we started drinking it down to nothing and we ended up in the worst of hotels. And one day he comes and gets me and he says I need you to drive me to the store. And I drove him to the story and when we got to the store, he went in and he robbed the place and he shot and killed the owner. So when he comes out of that store with blood on him, he tells me to go and that's exactly what I did. And we were surrounded by police a few short blocks later. And all I remember was that that car door opened, I was on the ground, and guns were to my head. And the next few months of my life were horrible. I sat in that courtroom and I listened to this woman to talk about what kind of person I was. That we had took her husband away from her and her daughter. I need to tell you that this gentleman just died in prison a short time ago, and here I am in Atlanta. Here I am, in Georgia, carrying the message of Alcoholics nods. The governor gives me a letter and says, get out of Nevada. Do not come back for any reason. And I left there, you guys, and I knew that we got some issues, Angie. And I got back to Cincinnati and I remember I looked at my parents and I told them, no more drinking. I'm done. I mean that. I're done. Two weeks later, I'm at it again. After I promised it. But I'm going to tell you something. One of the reasons why I don't give people a hard time that relapse is because I remember making a solemn vow not to drink again. Not even having any idea that I was powerless over this thing and that it dictated and managed what went on in my life. Promised them time and time again, but to the untrained ear we appear to be liars. That's why I'm so thankful for alcoholics and nonics. I'm so thankful that I was given a place to come to where I could talk about the shame and the guilt that I felt the constant disappointing of my family. And a long time ago in Cincinnati you could get on the bus, you could ride it all around for free. It was called Sunday Pass Ride. My brother and sister and myself went. We got to the corner of Liberty and Vine and oh my God, there was a place over there little restaurant, had pimps and Cadillacs and Lincolns. And I remember my sister looked over there and she said, boy, you couldn't pay me to go over there. My brother was like, shoot, me neither. AndI was thinking, I'm going over there tomorrow. What I'm trying to show you is the difference in my brother and sister. They make logical decisions. I see some stuff lit up with pimpsand Cadillac's and I'mgoing over there to see what's going down. So I started going downtown Cincinnati and the day came when I didn't take that bus ride back home and I stayed down And man, I drank. I drank and I had some friends, no neck, greasy feet, and tie-dye, those were my friend's name, and they took me in a store and showed me how to steal. And I got arrested. Because you can't steal people's merchandise drunk. I mean, I had all these clothes on me like getting ready to steal them, and then I forgot what I'm supposed to be doing. So I got price tags hanging out of my pocket. I'm an alcohol, I'm a drunk. You don't go in people's store and try to, you will forget. So they arrest me, take me to jail, give me a physical, and I find out I'm pregnant. And I said, well surely a judge wouldn't send a pregnant woman to the penitentiary. How many of y'all know they'll send a pregnancy to the Penitentiaries? And I went to the Ohio Reformatory for women. and I can tell you that the reason why I didn't lose my mind the first part of me being there was because my child was growing in my stomach and I would rub my stomach and I'd talk to my child and I'll say, I'm going to be a good mother I mean it as soon as I get out of here when I got out of prison my son was 4 years old all the way down 71 south all I could think about was my child all I couldn't think about was just holding his hand, being his mother doing what we do and got to the Greyhound bus station and suddenly the thought crossed my mind. You ain't had a drink in a while, Angie. One ain't going to hurt you. And it would be years before I saw my child again. Not only that, but I gave birth to a daughter that I gave away for adoption in Bloomington, Indiana. This is what my alcoholism is. So I'm talking to my sister back and forth. God has always blessed me with angels. I'm so thankful. I'm such a big fan of God. I'm just so thankful that God has always blessed us with angels, and I met this white couple. I was trying to work a job and they said, look Angie, it looks like you're struggling. We're going to open up this restaurant in Bloomington. That's how I gave my daughter. Why don't you come over there and help us? I said, okay, because I'm going to give her up for adoption. I was talking to my sister back and forth. My sister told my parents, you know, Angie just had a baby over in Bloommington, Indiana. And when I had that baby, right before I got ready to give birth to her, they threw a tarp over me so that I couldn't see her and they took that little girl and they took her to the nursery they took me to medical and while I'm laying in that bed I get a phone call and it's my mother she say Angie please bring her home with a young newborn I got on the Greyhound bus with a fifth of Jack and a newborn baby and by the time I got to Cincinnati I was so intoxicated that almost fell down the steps of that bus with my little baby. And when I walked into that station, my father walked up to me and he took that little girl out of my arms and he said, we got her. And I remember looking at my father and I said, Daddy, what am I supposed to do? He said, baby girl, I don't know what you're supposed to be. But she didn't ask for it. And they walked away with my daughter and I walked up to the bar and I drank like there was no tomorrow. by this time I'm living on the banks of the Ohio River and every day I'm going back and forth drinking at the bar back down to the river drinking at the bar and one day I went to do some substances with a guy and he shot water into my veins and I left out of there I had a bottle in my hand and I'm drinking And I'm just like, God, please, don't let me die like this. If you help me, whatever it is you want me to do, I'll do. And I met that friend at the bottom of my heart. And I got down to this little boarding house that I was at. And when I got to the door, there was a blonde woman standing there. A little bitty woman. And you guys, it was like everything had slowed down. And she said, honey, you don't have to keep living like that. And I said, I'm sick. And I need somebody to help me. And she went back up to this little boarding house room with me and she put a rag on my head and she began to tell me about her drinking. And she asked me to go someplace with her. Will it make me feel better? She said, absolutely. And she took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I got to AA, it wasn't a lot of African American people in AA. Much like tonight. You guys have kept this thing going all day. But I see you, hey girl. Hey. Hey girl, hey. And I'm walking up the walk and there's these older white guys and I'm walkin' up and they're going my name's Big Book T...Big Book Mike. My name's 12 and 12 Tom. I said well they got interested nicknames. Everybody had a white cup. I said, it seems like it's going to be a good party. And we walked up the steps and some big biker guy. I'm coming up the stairs and he grabs me and he goes, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Squirrel. And I was like, uh, Squirrel, bro, you're going to have to let me go, man. We don't do this where I'm from. So we go in the room and she says, some guy's going to tell his story. And i go in and some old white man sitting at the podium. Boy, he was telling y'all everything. And I was like, why is this white man up here telling all his business like this? And then the whole room would bust out laughing. I said, and they're laughing at him! So then afterwards, everybody rose up. This is newcomer mentality. Everybody rose up, grabbed hands. I say, oh my God, they getting ready to pray? Oh my Are they hypocrites too? And then I saw the president and the vice-president on the wall. And I was like, they must be the owners of the company. And then after you got finished saying it, they started chanting something. Something down the back. It's worth something if you do it. Keep coming back. you know everybody do it to it you know what i'm like what the hell are they saying and then i was like oh they say keep coming back it squirts if you jerk it no i'm just joking Lord Almighty, I tell ya, it's mind to mind, thank God for the steps and tradition. I had some serious issues, so I hung around AA. Wasn't like I had a huge social schedule or anything and you know, I was a militant black girl. You know, everything was cause I was black. You know if you didn't get my coffee in time you'd hear me in the coffee bar going it's cause I'm black ain't it? That's why I can't get in my black coffee. Why I gotta drink my black in a white cup? Why can't I drink it in a black cup? Then I start showing up to meetings and dashikis and stuff. You know? I'm like, why are you wearing dashiki? This is how my mind works. Thank God for the book and the traditions and sponsorship. I was a militant. For what? What's your cause, honey? What you fighting for? You know, so yeah. So I stayed around AA for a little while and, you know, everything good. Yeah. Yeah. Then people started coming in with this little crack problem. I know it didn't happen in Georgia, but people started coming in and everybody weighed 60 pounds. None of them would blink, which really bothered me. And then I told them I'll sponsor them all. I remember telling them I got so mad at them because they just wouldn't do what I told them to do. And I told him, I said, oh my God, if one of y'all don't blink, I'm going to turn this table over. And I stayed around AA for a while and you guys were talking about God using you as an instrument. I said you know what? I think God used me as an instrument too, and I think he wanted me to bring some black people into Alcoholics Anonymous. So dude asked if there was any AA-related announcements. I said, yeah. Thanks for the real big book and everything, but I'm going to roll on up out of here, and I appreciate everything that y'all have done, and I hope y'ALL know alcohol is bad for you, and you know old-timers how sensitive they are, so one got up and said, well, get out of Here then. There's people trying to stay sober. We'll see you if you make it back. I was like, oh, hey, yeah, you ain't had a drink in a long time. And so I left the meeting and I went down to the bus stop and I said, the first black person I see, I'm going to carry him the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I got on the bus, a brother got on. I said bingo, drunk as he could be. Bingo. Sleet over next to him on the boss. I said my brother, you been drinking? he said yeah I had a little something so I said well you know you might be an alcoholic so he started cussing me out and everything and I told him I said you know the people at the double A club told me that you would probably react like this to my information so I'm going to give it to you the only way that you can receive it and the only thing the only one way that I know how and I'm from a family of Baptist ministers so I had that industrial size big book the big one so I opened it up and I stood in the aisle And I turned that baby to chapter five And I said, rarely Did you hear what I said? I said rarely have we seen a person fail Who has barely followed our path And the bus driver said Oh hell no You got to get off this bus I said and you Mr. Bus Driver Are an alcoholic too So I got off that bus And I went down to the club where I knew it was some black alcoholics. And when I walked in, they was on the dance floor dancing, acting like they were having a good time. But you guys had told me about all the masks we wear. So I knew they was in pain. So I went over there. I snatched that plug out of that jukebox. Black alcoholics! It's a place for you. It's called the Double A Club. You never have to drink ever again. They said, what you doing down here? I said, oh, I graduated. And step 18 say I'm supposed to help y'all. So the owner ended up putting me out, and I was reading a big book to the passerbyers, and suddenly the thought crossed my mind. You know, one drink won't hurt. If you're new in the room, that's the biggest lie that your mind can tell you if you're an alcoholic. One won't harm you. When I learned the first one was the problem, really got that conceited to my innermost self man I've been a happy camper ever since so I end up you know going to do the deal came back June the 20th 1991 probably horrified and thoroughly convinced I weighed 60 pounds no just kidding was 90 I didn't blink my first year and called sponsor and she said that she was sponsoring me and I haven't looked back since. If I make it to June, I'll have 22 years of continuous sobriety. Let me tell you about my daughter. My daughter is 26. She just turned 26 last Friday. She's just moved back to Cincinnati from Louisiana. She went down down there to go to college. She went to Grambling State and got her bachelor's, and then she went on to the University of Louisiana and got a master's, and she just came back home. I need to tell you that in my sobriety I was asked to stay out of my children's life, and I did not. But I had to see them sometimes, you guys. So I would go to my daughter's soccer games, and sit way in the corner, and watch her play And I would go to my son's basketball game. And I'd watch him play, and I'd be up in the corner of Bleach with a baseball hat on, watching my baby. I tried to stay away, but I couldn't. I needed to see him. I went to my daughter's birthday party last Friday, and my mother was there, who is now struggling with Alzheimer's. it's been one of the hardest things to have to watch and my daughter sat there and it was a hike we were just two people passing it was quite difficult but you know what I realized you guys that I had been granted a gift with my daughter and if I got what I deserved I've never seen her, but I was blessed to be invited to that party. She's beautiful man. I mean look at me. My son is in prison and will be for quite some time for something he did under the influence of alcohol. I've gotten chance after chance and he blew it in one shot and he sent him to prison I want to thank people man that take the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous into institution because when I talked to him that day and he said mama my name is Christopher and I'm an alcoholic. I said, really? He said, yeah. He said I'm sorry. I said no, no, I ain't got nothing to be sorry about. Just stay sober. He said I go to meetings every day. He said I got a sponsor. He said this guy ain't nothing like me. I was like, good. But I'll tell you guys, man, even though life brings upon situations and circumstances, I need to tell you that for the first time in my life, man�I'm happy, joyous, and free� I have to tell about a big amends I had to make while I was in Vegas. I found the gentleman who lost his life in that robbery. And we found his wife. I had to speak at a convention there and I asked her if she would meet with me and she said yes. And she showed up at that hotel and I told her, I know I can't bring him back but is there anything I can do to make it right? Whatever it is I'm willing and she said honey I knew that you were special when I met I was angry you just keep doing the Lord's work and she put her arms around me and for the first time in so long you guys I knew what freedom felt like I knew what it felt like and I came back from that convention hey thank you God I believe that God God will do things for us what we can't do for ourselves but he'll also do things trust that we won't do force it and that was the that worried me sick since it happened and I'm free from so man I just go to meet when they call and ask me to come I just come it's the least I can do God took me and he put me in the arms of you guys and you have turned this drunk homeless woman into somewhat of a lady. Back home, my grandmother used to sing this song. And man, she would rock in her rocking chair. She would make us a glass of iced tea and put a little sassafras in it and a little mint, man, and she would hum this song and we would just sit there and it just seemed like everything was right with the world. I'm going to close with this song, if you don't mind. Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me Say I was, was lost, but now I'm found. I was blind, but know I see. Thank you Georgia. Thank you very much. Thank you.