Making Amends and Clearing the Wreckage – AA Joe H Step Study – Part 9 of 11 – Joe

My name is Joe. I'm an alcoholic. I guess where we are tonight is page 76. We have finished an inventory and done a fifth step and answered some questions on the bottom of page 75 when returning home and reviewed the work done so far in the first five steps. and I guess the word that sticks out to me on that page tonight is the foundation when I'm asked to review what I've done so far and I think about that foundation you know, and I kind of like analogies and I kinda like to have a picture you know about this arch that they're talking about here because we spend a lot of time talking about that from the cement on page 17 that's made up of two parts one part that we find in the fellowship and one part that we found in this common solution, in this book and they're asking me here have I skimped on this cement and I ask myself that am I just in the fellowship or have I really been involved in some recovery too are the stones properly in place, now we talked about those too the cornerstone that first stone put on top of the foundation was at the second step do I believe or am I willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself and the keystone at the third step a decision that from here after in this drama of life God is going to be my director my father and my principal they talk about this foundation and I firmly believe that if somebody has a strong foundation it's kind of like one of these houses out here in Malibu and if you go to put a foundation in on some really weak ground on one of those hills the foundation, no matter how strong it is it's going to give way to what's underneath it and I think what we find underneath the foundation of the first step are people's reservations maybe I'm not an alcoholic Maybe I can drink again. Or maybe I can do a little of this and not drink. Whatever our reservations might be, that's what our foundation is going to sit on. And I think that first step is really important about getting those reservations out of the way and you don't have to drink again to find out, to settle those reservations. You can do that in this process. and if i can get those reservations out of the way it's kind of like i found some firm ground and i start to build that foundation of the first step knowledge of my problem the condition that i suffer from and if that foundation can be strong you don't ever have to go any further than that no matter how crazy you might get in this program no matter however far back you might slide if that foundation is strong you'll never go any further than that i'm an alcoholic i can't control booze i can manage my life and i'm going to drink again unless i do something from this place on this foundation so we've looked at that and we've we've looked at the uh i guess it's the big bet step six and seven when when you've seen all this stuff in an inventory and you've answered a couple questions on the top of page 76 and then we looked at that seventh step prayer you know i think it's another one of those points it's not one of these times like the statement uh in the second step on the on the second page of that chapter to the agnostic where it talks about lack of power on page 45 and that the main purpose the main object of this book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem i think that's a point where i need to distinguish am i doing this work to find a power which will resolve my problem or am i going to do this work to find the power so i can solve my problems and then i once again turn aa into a self-help program to get some power if i think i need some and then work on my problems the other point that i think it separates the therapeutic from the spiritual it would be at uh at inventory when it tells me why i'm writing inventory on page 64 when it talks about this is a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things which have been blocking me. It doesn't say a painful, tedious process to learn about myself and discover what my problems are so I can work on them. I write inventory to find the stuff that blocks me from God. I usually come out of a fifth step with a feeling that I don't really know my assets from my liabilities. I mean, of course, I've seen the selfishness and dishonesty and the resentment and the fear and the self-seeking. I've seen the part that I played with my resentments, but I've also seen the harm a lot of the things I used to call my assets caused. And I've always said I've often seen some of the good that the stuff I used to label liabilities have done. And I think that's a big reason that seven-step prayer talks about the good and the bad. It doesn't say, I would pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character so I can feel better. It says, which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. I think if we did the first five steps and looked at six and seven and said that prayer and woke up the next day without any character defects, we would probably all ascend right out of here and we wouldn't be much good to the new man in Alcoholics Anonymous and we'd be fixed and we couldn't think we need this anymore. I'm asking for every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows and I don't know sometimes what attracts the new man I've also been learning some things recently about how do you review your character defects in a constructive way at the end of an inventory or during an inventory or at the other end of the day like in the 11th step when they ask you to review your day how do you review this stuff so when you come out of a fifth step you don't just start beating yourself up for what a rotten terrible person you are and a couple of those things that have helped me is I look at it and I say does it work not is it good or bad or right or wrong with all that judgment just plain and simple does it works and then the idea that although I don't like my character defects and my shortcomings that hurt other people i can't in a way thank god for my character defects each night because they're what get me back to him and it's kind of like this lady told me it's like a boat at the shore of a lake and you got to have something to push off from you gotto have something to push off from and it's my it's it's my defects it's the stuff I've seen here in step five that that get me to this these ideas in six and seven and I once once again needed to remind myself that I haven't done all this work in the first five steps to discover my character defects so I can work on them really hard talks about 976 we need more action and it seemed like every time i got to a place where i thought i could rest for a minute they said now it's time for more action without which we find that faith without works is dead thank god work without faith is um i did a lot of this a lot of this work the first time on blind faith until i started to get some results and then i think the faith was there let's look at step eight and nine we have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends okay i don't have that list and it says we made it when we we made it when they took inventory now some people i know that write inventory on a regular basis do that list of harm as they're writing inventory when they see somebody in there that they harmed I don't do that until I'm done and I guess it doesn't really matter but at this time I was instructed to go home with my fifth step and go back through it and make a list of people and institutions and this last time I even made a list of principles that I've harmed through my actions I was asked to look for acts of omission things that I didn't do that I should have done and acts of commission things that I did directly to you. When I steal your money or I steal your car or I steel your booze or I steel your drugs, that's an act that I commit. But when I don't show up for the reunion, when I dont show up for the old lady, when i dont show up for the kids, whatever it might be, thats an omission. Things that I should have done that I didn't do. But I was also told when making this list that I'm not to go home and make a list and then analyze what the harm was. I should just take a look through my inventory and make it list, and if I think there was any harm at all, put the name down. Because probably the most important work that I think is done in prayer with a sponsor, much more important than I think him hearing the fifth step. But that was important too. I think the most importan work was the work we did with the eighth step. Because I don't know how to make amends. I don'T know how TO MAKE AMENDS AT THIS POINT. So I went home and I started that list. People that I'd harmed. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. I was told when I was done with that list to bring it to my sponsor. And before I was down, I called him and I told him I was gone and he shared with me an exercise that he was given in the Colorado State Penitentiary 20 years ago that I didn't think at first was in this book And it was very rare for him to give me stuff to do that isn't in this book. And as I read on, I'm going to find that it really is here in the next paragraph at the bottom of the page. What he told me to do when I was done with that list was to go through each one, one at a time, and close my eyes and picture that person face-to-face and ask myself, am I willing to do whatever that person says to set matters right to square the books to make right the wrong and whatever it was that came to me in prayer to mark that, positive or negative not to try to change that if the feeling was no I'm not to put that, negative and if the feelings were yes I am to put it, negative to put what I am to put he said he did that exercise in the penitentiary and got free that night they didn't know it and they didn't let him out for a while, but he got free with that eight-step exercise with those people he'd harmed. And then it was time to go make amends because he couldn't get out right away. So I remember the difference between the way I felt the day after, and I started writing this amends list, and the day when I had finished that exercise, and it was two totally different experiences. One day I woke up, andI didn't wake up, and I don't wakeup after a fifth step feeling like my defects are gone. I feel like I know them better, and I feel like they're right there in the urgency of 6 and 7 that something really better happened here between me and God with 6 and 5 or I'm going to continue to do this stuff that I've just seen in this inventory and I'm gonna continue to feel this way resentful and afraid but I think the miracle of 6and7 comes in the action of 8and9 when that really started to happen so I made this amends list and I felt really overwhelmed by it the next day when I felt I was done with that list. And I didn't feel clear. But when I did that exercise, to go through each one, one at a time, and close my eyes, ask myself, am I willing to do whatever this person says? There was a real freedom because the next thing I woke up and all of a sudden I had a clear-cut list which ones I'm willing to doing and which ones are not. So I took it to Don. And we sat and we talked about each one. We talked about the nature of the harm. What had I done? Or what I hadn't done that caused, what was the harm? We talked abut should it be face to face? We talked a bout should it bte a letter? We talked bout should it bee a phone call or call somebody in the family just to get permission to even see them? Like an ex-girlfriend or something that might be married? We talked baout how those should be handled so I wouldn't cause any more harm barging back into their lives it was funny the times that i would say maybe a letter will be all that's needed he'd say you probably need to see him face to face and when i'd say i probably need to see that person face to phase he'd probably say a letter or a phone call will probably be enough you see but i think he reminded me it was really important that we were both in prayer as we went through that eight step list then all of a sudden i went home and i had even a more clear-cut list which ones should be face to face and i put those over here which ones are out of state i put these over here which ones are financial and i'll put these here and which ones am i willing to do and which ones did i put a negative by and i asked him how do i get the willingness to do the ones i put in negative by he said by doing the ones you put a positive by the power will come and all of a sudden i didn't feel so overwhelmed by that uh amends list now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past we attempt to sweep away the debris which is accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves if we haven't the will to do this we ask until it comes that was the prayer i was given to do with the ones i wasn't willing to do yet remember it was agreed at the beginning here's that reminder again that we would go to any length for victory over alcohol now here in this in this short the end of this page at the bottom paragraph i find the exercise that he gave me probably there are still some misgivings as we look over the list they're asking me to look over that list we may feel diffident about going to some of them so now i have a list that i've gone through and i've looked at and i i have the ones that i have misgivings about and the ones i feel different about and The Ones That I'm Willing To Do I have a clear idea about that list let us be reassured to some people we need not and probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach we might prejudice them now they tell me as with most steps what the reason for this step is at the moment we're trying to put our lives in order but this is not an end in itself the real purpose for amends our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to god and the people about us you see i always thought amends were for me to feel better and once again there's that that um that spiritual paradox that if i don't spend so much time thinking that how i feel is so very important and get the power and the willingness to do some stuff that doesn't always feel good i end up feeling better but when i'm so centered in on how i feels and i'm working on that and i think that's so very important i'm usually in turmoil and i don t know why that is but it tells me here the real purpose for amends is to fit myself to be of maximum service to god and the people about me another guiding principle here is that it is seldom wise to approach an individual who still smarts from my injustice to him that tells me i better be praying about each and every amend as to when the right time is and i have some incredible stories about that real stories but i needed a guide i needed because a lot of the directions and a lot of the specifics about amends are spread out in these several pages i just had to ask i just had to him to give me an example of a face-to-face amends how do i mean how do i do it i mean do i just come to you and say i'm sorry and i think somewhere in here says that that's not enough you know and most of the people i would have gone to and said i'm sorry they probably would have said i know you are you have been for a long time that never mattered I think I had a feeling that something more needed to be done so I was given a practical format for amends whether it was a letter, I would use the same format or a phone call for any formal amend, face-to-face the format I was giving was to find a way to approach that person without causing any harm like barging in or interrupting their lives you know, to do that in a polite way you know to make an appointment or get permission from a family member can i see your daughter uh now that she's married does she want to see me don't cause any harm in the approach and and to to get to that person and this is the format for a letter or a phone call or face-to-face let's say it was an old boss and i i called and i got an appointment to see him and And I'm there face-to-face in front of them. I would say, I don't know if you know this or not, but for the last however many years, I've been involved in a program of recovery to tell them why I'm here and to tell that I'm a part of it. To tell them that part of that program was that I looked back through my life in what we call an inventory and I saw a lot of what was behind what I did to you. And it had to do with my selfishness and my dishonesty and my fear a big part of my program is that I come to the people I harm to make amends or I'm not going to stay sober to let them know that it's a life and death thing I'm doing here the seriousness of it and then to tell them what I've seen that I did I stole $500 from you I talked bad about you in front of the guys that time and you were there I stole your girlfriend whatever it is I saw that I didn't And then never to assume that I know how that harmed them. You see, I might know what I did to you, but I have no way of knowing how that harmed you. An example, I had some giant amends I thought were great big deals and I'd probably hurt them really bad and I finally got to see them and they'd forgotten me and it was mostly ego. And I also had some other ones that I thought weren't no big deal at all and I finaly got to seen them and they said, listen, you really hurt me. So although now I know what i've done, I sometimes find it necessary remember amends are about going in prayer and finally trusting that power that we've done some work to hope and pray that it's there because now we're going out into the world to some people that they might not all necessarily understand so I'm sitting in front of the guy and I'm telling him why I'm there I'm talking to him I'm asking him what it is I've seen that I did and then I ask him did I ever do anything else that harmed you that you need to tell me about. They'll either say, no, you covered it really well or yeah, there are a couple other things. Remember when you did this or when you didn't? And I only have to do that once if my conduct changes with that person. That's what this is all about. I'm not going to make amends so I can keep doing the same stuff to the guy, rip him off next week and say, well, I can just make amens again. I'm going so this stuff will change. This is why I'm here. This is what I did. is there anything else I ever did that harmed you and do you need to tell me how what I did hurt you and to shut up and listen and then when that person is satisfied that we've covered what I said and if he needed to tell him how that harmed him then I ask the magic question that every mention I believe should include what can I do to make it right and then you arrange the best deal you can and then you do that I've never been asked to do anything unreasonable I've ever been asked to do something that the power to do it wasn't there and all of a sudden I had a clear cut format for making a formal amend now not all my amends can be done once in a formal nature and expect that to be enough mom, dad, brothers and sisters we talked about ongoing amends and that ongoing amens was about my behavior in the future and that the way I lived my life was going to be a big part of those amends. I mean, you just can't sit down with a mother one time and make a formal amends and expect that to be enough for 30 years of harm. I sat with my mother and I started to do this and she said, please, you don't need to go over everything that you did to me. It would only harm me more. We don't have to do it again. You don't want me to go all over all that. But I did say I'm willing to talk about everything that I ever did to you she said that wasn't necessary and then i asked her what can i do to make it right and she said all i've ever wanted she said oh i've never wanted for you was to be happy same experience my sponsor had with his mother and he told me on a regular basis he shows up at his mother's house happy and i've tried to do that not in a phony way but this has really worked and in the way I've lived and the way her and I have interacted and the things that I've done for her in the last several years since that formal amends there's more of amends the book talks about a demonstration is much more important than our words I've heard a lot of people in AA tell people you can't make amends to somebody that's dead my experience is totally contrary to that and it's probably the most powerful experience I've ever had because I'm talking about the feelings for a father that i lived with for 30 years that i dealt with for 12 years in therapy that i tried every conceivable therapeutic thing to get rid of and all i ever got was temporary relief and then let me be reminded of him or see him before he died or or see my mother or even think of him those same feelings would be there but when i did what i was told to do his grave and i was told to write the amend out just like i would face to face with somebody and go to his grave read that those feelings that i lived with him for 30 years have changed literally been removed what used to be hate and fear and disrespect has changed into respect and love and an understanding that he did the very best that he could. I guess that's how I don't beat myself up for the stuff I see in inventory because I did the Very Best I Could with what I had. The day I went to his grave, I hadn't been able to go to his graveyard for nine years. Not even go to the grave. I couldn't do that. And I went into that grave and the power to do that was there. and I read that letter and I said a prayer and I felt like he knew what I was doing like he was there and I went to leave that graveyard and I had about 45 minutes to catch a flight and I was headed for the airport in a rent-a-car in my hometown and for some reason I literally felt directed to take a drive by where I grew up and where I lived most of my life and where I did a lot of drinking and where I did a lot of drugs and i saw that i was free the old hooks that were there two or three other times when i was home before i made amends weren't there there was some real freedom a couple stories about my experience with um praying for the right time to make each amends one of them is my sponsor's story uh he had a truck route when he got out of the penitentiary that he drove every day in the city of Denver. And on that truck route, there was a home of a family that he needed to make amends to. And every day for about a year, he passed that house and would pray. And he was told to trust whatever came in prayer. And the feeling for a year every single day or whenever he did that, the feeling was it's not time. And one day he was driving on that route and he passed by a man who passed that House and he said a prayer and the feeling wasn't there. It's time to go in there. and he went to that house and he made amends to that family and the minute he was done they said we couldn't have heard this amend one day sooner because we haven't been able to see you but our son's in trouble and we need your help another friend of mine had a real simple financial amend to Woolworths and he came down to Denver and sat in front of a Woolworth store and said a prayer and the feeling was it's not time and he wondered why it's just a stupid little bill but he trusted and he didn't go in that store and a couple weeks later he was home in Madison, Wisconsin and he sat in front of a Woolworths probably the one that he had done whatever he had gone and said a prayer and the feeling was no, now is not the time and he trusted but he was questioning I mean why this is such a simple man I just owe him some money for a bill came back to denver he went to the main headquarters of the store and sat out in front and the feeling was now's the time and he trusted it and he went in he was walking up the stairs of this office and he sees a cafeteria and he goes to get a cup of coffee he sits down at this table and here's this guy doing books he starts talking to the guy that's the head bookkeeper he figures well this is the guy to do it with and he made his amends and the guy said oh no big deal just mail the bill to this address boom boom boom but listen i need your help i have a drinking problem and he knew absolutely why he was directed not to do it those other two times now i had one and it was one of my uh more foolish experiences with amends because it was One of my first i didn't have a lot of amends to make in denver because most of the harm i'd caused was out of state because i just hadn't lived in denVER very long that's the only reason um and uh but i had one and it was up up in the mountains in a little town where there was a a girl that i had um gotten involved with when i was first sober and i had gotten her pregnant and she had had an abortion and i i i was ready to rush up there so i could feel better but i didn't really know that's what it was and i didn' t really trust and i didn't really pray and um i rushed up to aspen to make this amend and uh so i could feel better and i fortunately got on my knees and said a prayer before i left from the hotel to her store just a couple blocks and i said a prior and i got up and i started walking toward her store and i ran into three people that knew her and told them what i was doing and all three of them One of them was even her sponsor, told me, she's not ready to hear this. Don't do it. And I followed that. And I went back to my room and I realized for the first time in my life I didn't do something so I could feel better. And I was free. Several months later the door was open and we were both able to make amends. and it was very important for me to learn about praying before each of men if it's the right time and to try to trust that it is seldom wise to approach an individual who still smarts from our injustice to him and announce that we have gone religious in the prize room this would be called leading with the chin we lay ourselves open to being branded fanatics or religious boars we may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message but our man is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong a sincere desire to set right the wrong he's going to be more interested in a demonstration of goodwill than in our talk of spiritual discoveries the bottom of the next paragraph talks about with a person we dislike we take the bit in our teeth it is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend but we find it much more beneficial to us We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. I don't go to someone and talk about what they did. I talk about What I Did. Now this is only my own opinion, but if I have discovered anything in inventory, I've discovered that my actions have literally given people power. I used to think if I ripped somebody off, I'm the one that got over until I realized there I am walking down the street of my hometown looking over my shoulder for the next five years wondering when I'm going to run into this guy because I've literally given him some power in my life. And I think Abenz is about going back and getting the power that we've given these people by setting right the wrong. Simply, we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so. That's a pretty strong statement. Realizing that nothing can be accomplished, nothing worthwhile kan be accomplishd until we doe so. Never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the results in 9 cases out of 10 the unexpected happens rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well occasionally they will offer assistance it shouldn't matter however if someone does throw us out of his office we have made our demonstration and done our part it's water over the dam talks about people we owe money to we don't dodge our creditors telling them what we are trying to do we make no bones about our drinking they usually know it anyway whether we think so or not nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm approached in this way the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us arranging the best deal we can arranging the best deal we can we let these people know we are sorry our drinking has made us slow to pay we must lose our fear of our creditors no matter how far we have to go for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them that's pretty strong I believe that talks about if we've committed a criminal offense I had several the one that comes to mind is an armed robbery that I committed and I felt it necessary to go to the judge because he was a personal friend of the family and he went out of his way to do what he could for me based on a lie that I told the detective that was involved and to the owner of the company the ownerof the company was dead and I talked to his wife. It was incredible. She was pleased with what I was doing, said that there was nothing that I could do except to stay sober. The judge, who was a personal friend of my father's, was gratified and said that he would like me to be happy and stay sober The detective was not real impressed and he said he was glad the statute of limitations had run out and he was glad I didn't live there anymore and that he wasn't really impressed. You see, because it does talk about here we've been given brains to use and I was told if it's the IRS you go to a lawyer that knows about how to approach the IRS. If it's a criminal thing you goto a lawyer that knows about how it works. And I went to a lawyer in the program and we talked about it. I know a guy in Denver that went up to his home state and was willing to face the judge with the threat of the penitentiary. And unbelievable things happened between him and the judge. We have already admitted this to the confidence to another person, but we were sure we would be imprisoned or lose our job if it were known. Maybe it's only a petty offense such as pandering the expense account. Most of us have done that sort of thing. Maybe we are divorced and we have remarried, but we have kept the alimony to number one. she is ignorant about it and is a warren up for our rest that's a common form of trouble too although these reparations take innumerable form there are some general principles which we find guiding reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any length to find a spiritual experience we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be i mean i heard a guy a few months ago he talked about he was told he didn't have to make amends if it was going to harm him because to me to to um to do so would injure them or others he was told that he was others first thing i was told about amends is you're not others we may lose our position our reputation or face jail but we are willing we have to be we must not shrink at anything usually however these people other people are involved therefore we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit with the armed robbery thing i had to go to the guy that i did it with and i had to secure his permission was it okay for me to go and admit this so there was no harm caused to him page 80 talks about before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent if we have obtained permission have consulted with others ask god to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink starts to talk about in the next paragraph that he felt that he had done a wrong he could not possibly make right if he opened that old affair he was afraid it would destroy the reputation of his partner disgrace his family and take away his means of livelihood what right had he to involve those dependent on him how could he possibly make a public statement exonerating his rival after consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his creator guilty of such root erroneous slander he saw that he had to place the outcome in god's hands or he would soon start drinking again the next page on 81 the middle paragraph talks about whatever the situation we usually have to do something about it if we are sure our wife does not know should we tell her not always we think if she knows in a general way that we have been wild should we tell her in detail undoubtedly we should admit our fault she may insist on knowing all the particulars she will want to know who the woman is and where she is we feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person we are sorry for what we have done and God willing it shall not be repeated more than that we cannot do we have no right to go further though there may be justifiable exceptions and though we wish to lay down no rule of any sort we have often found this is the best course to take perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded no outsider can appraise such an intimate situation it may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones speak bygons each might pray about it having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind the next paragraph i think is very important talks about sometimes we hear an alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober certainly he must keep sober for there will be no home if he doesn't but he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated passing all understanding as the patients mothers and wives have had without alcoholics had this not been so many of us would have no homes today would perhaps be dead the alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others hearts are broken sweet relationships are dead affections have been uprooted selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. This is very important. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. We think a man has unthinking when he said that sobrietty is enough He's like the farmer who came out of the cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowing? Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead we must take the lead we must take the leap and that's what amends are about a remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all we ought to sit down with the family and frankly frankly analyze the past as we now see it based on an inventory being very careful not to criticize them their defects may be glaring but the chances our own actions are partly responsible so we clean house with the family asking each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience, tolerance kindness and love and probably the most important statement for where we are in the work the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it one of my favorite people in AA always says it's the way we live makes so much noise there's not much we really need to say and i think that's a guiding principle with amends i've also heard a lot of people in the program say well i can do that and i'll just make amends for it later and use amends to justify staying sick i've done that myself unless one family expresses the desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not urge them we should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters they will change in time our behavior will convince them more than our words. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that 10 or 20 years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone. There may be some wrongs we can never fully write. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would write them if we could. Some people cannot be seen. We send them an honest letter, and there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases, but we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet. We don't crawl before anyone. I think when I started making amends and whenever I make amends I really see the power of the first eight steps because all of a sudden I'm approaching people that when I was writing about them in inventory there's no way I had the power to go to them. I'm writing about people in inventory that fear and resentment and the things that I have done has literally kept me from them. I wrote about stuff about my dad in my inventory that kept me form his grave for nine years, but I got to the ninth step and the power to go to that grave was there. I wrote abut stuff in an inventory that kept from the state of Michigan and doing anything about that armed robbery for a long, long time. And when I got tot he ninth step, the power was there i was told when i'm writing inventory not to worry about amends because i didn't have the power to do them i've heard horror stories about people who have tried to make amends with the family and other other things that they thought had to be done right away before they had the clarity from the first aid steps and it caused a whole lot of more harm they had to go back i'm very grateful for the people in denver who talked to me about you don't want to go make amends and then have to go back and make ammends for the amends sloppy amends that cause harm in doing when you're not clear i know people um who write their amends out every one of them on three by five cards so they're clear on the nature of the harm before they go to that person and they have it there if it gets emotional i've written out a few i never read them i mean i didn't sit there and read the amend off the paper but i had it there in case it got more like with a mother or brother if i thought it might get emotional and i might get off track it would keep me centered on what i needed to cover you know i i can't i can even begin to talk about all the experiences i've had making amends um i made one out here about a year and a half ago to somebody that had no reason in the world to ever want to see me again that I had been in a relationship with sober and my sponsor and I talked about it and the time seemed right then we secured her permission to for me to see her and I went to her then this is someone that had no reason in world just to ever wanna see me and I said I made my amends and I I made the mistake of saying do you need to tell me how what i did hurt you or do you need to tell me if there was anything else i ever did that hurt you and i i swear to god i don't ever want to have to ever do that more than once because i had to sit there and listen but in the middle of that i knew it was about god because a lot of the blame and a lot of guilt and a pain was healed in the midst of a very very long amen probably the most painful amend i ever made to the point where a couple days later she was able to go away with a friend and I for a week on a trip as friends I mean two days later and that's someone that wasn't even sure that they could see me to even hear an amend unbelievable stuff I've seen making amends I'm glad I had that format that kind of encompassed everything that we've covered in these pages for me how to go to somebody and I use it whether it's a letter if it's the letter I tell the person why I'm writing I tell them what I'm involved in and how important this is I tell him what I've done I tell them what i've seen that I did to them I asked him to let me know if there was anything else I ever did or to tell me how what I did harm them and then I ask and what can i do to make it right and i use that if it's a letter or a phone call or if it's face-to-face this last time i i made a list just for the heck of it of principles from my inventory that i resented sober i mean i didn't have many principles on my first inventory because i didn' t have any but after being sober for a little while i had some principles but i resanted every one of them at some time or another and i And I put those on my amends list, and I asked myself in prayer, how do you make amends to principles that you've resented? And it was real clear that you live the other way. You start living the other ways. I don't like dishonesty, and i've abused dishonesty for a long time. How do I make amens for that? I start living honestly. I don't like unselfishness, especially other people's. But I've gotten to a place where enough change has happened. I don'T even like my own unselflishness sometimes. So how do you make amends for that? For being selfish? Because I don' t like selfishness. You start living in an unselfdish way. The main thing that I' ve seen is that a lot of the amends I made the first time I haven't had to go back to those people and make the same amend because I haven' t repeated the behavior which tells me six and seven work and a lot of those people have been in my life since then the hardest thing for me is to make I don't mind the big deals you know there's a lot of ego in that to go make amends for an armed robbery or big major stuff the stuff that gets me is the petty stuff that I do sober I think there's lot of talk among people that make amends about do you make amens for gossip and i was told not to the person you gossiped about because you're going to cause harm telling them what you gossip about you're gonna you better go to the people that you gossip to this man told this story about something about gossip is like taking a ball of feathers and laying it on somebody's lawn in the middle of the night but they don't see it and then to make amends would be like try to go back and collect those feathers in the morning after the wind's blown all night i mean if i've if i talked really bad about you to several other people and i come and i say listen i think i owe you an amend because i told so-and-so you're a son of a bitch and some terrible stuff and i told it to so-an-so and so-ans i mean just telling him that i'm going to harm the guy but if i go to the people that i gossip to and say listen this is what it was really about other people say you got to be real clear on how it harmed them before you go to them and i don't have any understanding of how you would know that i know what i did to you but i have no way of knowing your experience and how that harmed you and i guess you learn by trusting the power and you learn by making amends. And I guess from here on it's about getting some more power so you don't keep doing the same stuff over and over, so you've got to keep making amens. I saw an exercise done one time by these two guys from Arkansas, Joe and Charlie, with the promises. And it's really sad to me how many times we hear the promises on page 83 like they're the only ones. God, there's great promises at each step. Third step, fifth step, tenth step. But they did an exercise with these promises on the bottom of page 83 that I thought was pretty interesting and I'd like to share that. They referred back to a statement from the doctor's opinion that we're restless, irritable, and discontented and unless we find the same ease and comfort we used to get from drinking there's very little hope of our recovery and they said they would like to absolutely prove without a shadow of doubt that that's happened through these first nine steps and the way they did that was they asked you to take each of the promises and put before it when the drugs when the alcohol was working and then read each promise And they went through it like this. When I was painstaking about my drinking, I was amazed before I was halfway through when the alcohol was working. When the alcohol was working, I knew a new freedom and a new happiness. When the alcohol was workin', I did not regret the past, nor did I wish to shut the door on when the alcohol was working I comprehended the word serenity and I knew peace when the alcohol was working no matter how far down the scale I had gone I thought my experience could benefit others that feeling of uselessness and self pity would disappear when the alcohol was working I lost interest in selfish things and gained interest in my fellows buy them all a drink self-seeking would slip away when alcohol was working my whole attitude and outlook on life would change fear of people and economic insecurity would leave me, I'd spend it all stand up to them big guys when the alcohol was working I intuitively knew how to handle situations that sober used to drive baffled me I suddenly realized that alcohol was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself and then they asked me to go back through and read those promises and put before each one as a result of the work in the first nine steps and it would absolutely prove to me that I've gotten the same results that I used to get from alcohol if not more because see, the alcohol quit working a long time ago and that God can do for me what I can't do for myself because I've got these results that I use to have to go to alcohol to get i also hear a lot of people that sit around the program waiting for those promises to happen by osmosis oh i wonder why the promises on page 83 aren't happening and you want to say to them maybe because you haven't done what's on page 1 to 82 you know you sit around and wait for these promises to have my osmoses you'll probably drink before they happen because They ain't going to happen without doing this work. Painstaking. A lot of people interpret that as painful. I don't see that word as meaning that it's going to be painful. I see I have to be willing to stake it. I haveと be willing tо stake the pain, if necessary, to put some effort into this. Some people interpret it literally and say that this stuff will start to happen halfway through the ninth step. I've experienced these promises at the beginning of the ninth step in the eighth step in the middle of the ninth step, at the end but I've experienced every one of them on a long, long time at a time not just days not just hours it can also be a good guide to see if you're in a fit spiritual condition you know if we use those negative ones for for a good description of untreated alcoholism this can be a good description of treated alcoholism am I experiencing these promises because the promise is at the end of those things that they will always materialize if we work for them and there's where I had to get clear on one of those ideas again that took me away from my conception that I've chosen at the second step I'm not earning a thing here it doesn't mean I have to work to earn this stuff it It means I have to work to clear away the stuff that blocks me from these promises that have been there all the time. And that's the thought that takes us to step 10, that these promises will always materialize if we work for them. Thank you.