Making a Step 8 List of People He Actually Liked – Don C.

Tonight we're on page 494, 4th edition. The authors remain anonymous, so we have no background information on the author. The Mi'kmaq tribe that this gentleman belongs to is widely spread in Eastern Canada and New York State. A vision of recovery, story number 8, we're getting close to the end of the stories folks. A feeble prayer forged a lasting connection with a higher power for this Mi'Kmaq Indian. I thought I was different because I'm an Indian. I heard that statement from many Natives at my early AA meetings. I would only shrug and say to myself, you think you're different? What about me? I'm a red-headed Indian. I grew up on a reservation in Canada. As a young fellow, I was a proud Mi'kmaq Indian. My family had a reputation. They were hard drinkers, violent and tough, and I was proud of this. I was told that my grandfather had been the chief of our band, but he had to step down because he went to jail for shooting a man. Jail was almost a badge of honor in my family, or so it seemed to me. As a small boy I remember standing on top of the case of beer there were always lots around the house saying to myself, in a few years I will be this tall. There were times though when I witnessed my father's rages and I was full of fear. I swore that I would not be like him but I didn't see that alcohol and the rages were related. I always thought I was different. On many occasions, I wished I had black hair like my friends. Micmac was a language in our home, but I would not speak it. All my family spoke Micmac, but when they spoke to me, I would answer in English. I believed I couldn't speak Micmac as well as my parents, so I resolved not to speak it at all. I was 10 years old when I had my first drink of alcohol. On New Year's Eve, I stole two glasses of vodka from my parents. I can't say that it did what it was supposed to do, for I got deathly sick, threw up, and had diarrhea. The next day, I was full of fear that my parents would find out. I learned my lesson for a while. A few years later, in junior high school, a few friends and I got a bottle of rum from a bootlegger. I got really drunk, and it was great. I remember having a feeling of complete freedom. I drank for the next 15 years. Drinking became a major part of my life, and I thought it was normal. Then came the violence, the fighting, the illegal acts, and the image of the tough guy. My family was proud of me, and some relatives would actually encourage me. I spent a number of years in and out of juvenile correction facilities, and after my 18th birthday, I began spending time in county jail. I actually got a high when I came home, knowing that my friends and relatives would respect me more because I had been in jail and was becoming a man. While in a juvenile detention center about 500 miles from my home, I received word that my mother was dying of cancer. I was able to get a pass and return home to spend time with her. One evening, my family asked me if I would stay home with my mother and give her the medicine she was required to take. I had already had a few drinks and was anxious to get out and party with my friends, but I reluctantly agreed to stay. Self-pity set in, and all I could think of was the good time I could have been having. I got very impatient with my mother, and when she refused to take her medicine, I almost forced it into her mouth. Then I left to join my friends. The next morning, I woke up in county jail about 100 miles from home. I had attempted a break-and-enter and was caught by the police. That very evening, as I sat in jail, my mother died. I was allowed out for the funeral, and I still recall how alone I felt, even when I was with my family. I felt shame and remorse and for years to come I believed I was somehow responsible for my mother's death this incident haunted me for years alcohol would take it away for a while but the remorse always returned I tried to comfort myself by saying that my lifestyle was a part of my destiny just like many of my family members but this did not remove the remorse I can remember only one good thing that happened during this time as my mother lay dying I talked to her in the Mi'kmaq language She seemed so happy, and she told me it sounded beautiful to hear me speaking Mi'kmaq. I cherish this memory. I was to meet a young girl and have a son. Proud, I named him after myself. My drinking slowed down for a little while. One day, I promised my son that tomorrow I would take him to the movies. I really meant it from the bottom of my heart, and I was looking forward to it. That night, I took a drink, and it led to many more. The next day I was hungover, and even though I had promised to go to the movies that afternoon, I took a drink to fix myself up. That drink was followed by many more, and I justified them by telling myself, My son is so young he will never remember the movie. The day after the promised movie I was guilty and remorseful and felt I was just no good. I faced my son only to hear him talking excitedly about going to a movie. I couldn't say anything for the movie was no longer playing. I left his mother to explain. The next few years saw me living back in the old home with my father, as my girl had left me, taking my son. My drinking escalated even more, as did the guilt, remorse and fear. I was hospitalized for dehydration, had a mild stroke, spent a week in a psychiatric ward and suffered a number of alcoholic seizures. I lost the trust of my family and friends. They simply could not rely on me for anything. I would stop for a while, but I always drank again. I can certainly identify with our co-founder, Bill W., when he says on page four of the big book, the old fierce determination to win came back. I would take a drink and then I knew everything was going to be all right. I was goingto clean up my act. Everything was goingtochange, you'll see. It didn't. Nothing changed. I tried so many ways of beating the game. I went to church and took a pledge. I went to a native sweat lodge. I would do something so I would be put in jail. I vowed to stay away from hard liquor. Nothing worked. Then came the pills to stop the shakes and get off the sauce for a while. One evening during a party at my home, an argument led to fighting as usual. One of my brothers stabbed me in the back with a knife and I fell to the floor unconscious. I came to in the hospital. They told me that one lung had collapsed and they had a drain in my lung that came out the side of my body. The very next day, some friends came to visit me bringing a bottle of liquor. I still had that pride. I was still a tough guy. I lay there in bed with tubes draining my lung and smoked cigarettes and drank liquor. Later in AA, I had the nerve to question Step 2 and wonder why I had to be restored to sanity. i'm going to point us back to page 30 in the first 164 pages and it's an off-pointed two formula for how he uses the four words obsession illusion insanity and delusion to talk about this condition and and yet we dodge the idea that it's crazy so there you go in that same chapter right after the jaywalker it says to reiterate that it says however Over-intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol had been involved, we had been strangely insane at strong language. But isn't it true? In words, insanity itself comes from the Greek whole, complete. And that's the thing. It's like something is missing. I can honestly say that nothing worked for me until I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. Eventually I ended up in a treatment center, and after a 28-day program, I began attending AA meetings on a regular basis. The treatment center introduced me to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I left there knowing that the only hope for me was the 12 steps. I was told that AA is a spiritual program and I had better have a higher power. I knew nothing of God or higher powers and I began trying to find one. At first, I thought that since I was a native, maybe I should practice in native traditional ways. Then I thought maybe I should go to the church on the reservation. Then I believed that if I went to enough AA meetings and just sat there, I would have a vision and achieve recovery. One day a member asked me if I believed there actually was a higher power. I did believe there was a God of some sort or another. He told me that was enough. He said with that belief and attending meetings, I would find a higher part of my own understanding. Today I am thankful for that advice. After three months in AA, I returned home one evening after a meeting to hear the music and laughter of a party next door. Some of my drinking buddies were at that party. I just knew I was going to end up there. I did not want to drink, yet the party was like a magnet. I was full of fear as I ran across the street to a pay telephone. I called my sponsor, but there was no answer. Panic set in as I rang home. In the house, I went into my bedroom and sat on the side of the bed. I looked up and said these words. Well, buddy, I guess there's just you and me. Believe it or not, it worked. Those simple words worked. Something happened. A little peace came over me, anxiety left, and I lay down and fell asleep. I slept well that night, the first good sleep in a long time. That feeble request to God worked. I was honest and really wanted God's help. From that day on, I knew that I had found a higher power and that he would help me. Over the next few months, my life slowly began to change as I worked on step one of our recovery program. I listened to speakers and began a big book study with an older member. In Mi'kmaq folklore there are little people we call Bugalade Mujs. They live in the mountains but they often sneak into our homes to play tricks on us, usually at night so we won't see them. When I noticed that chapter four of the big book, We Agnostics, had appeared to change I told AA members that the Bugalabemus were fooling around with my big book. You know what? They're still at it today. I now understand that the spiritual malady should be my main concern and that the more faith I have, the few problems I will have. Today I have more faith than I ever had, and as my faith grows, my fears lessen. For a guy who has spent years in jails, hospitals, psychiatric wards, a guy whose life is in danger, a guy just could not stop drinking. There was only one answer, Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps. I was very fortunate that I was steered in the right direction. A dramatic change has taken place in my life. Soon I hope to celebrate my second anniversary of continuous sobriety. In two years, my whole life has changed. Today I sponsor others. I understand the word compassion, and I feel it. I'm working on step eight at the present time, and I just know that more happiness is to come into my life as I trudge the road of happy destiny. So this is where we point to page 29 that gives the formula for what the stories in the back of the book and we ourselves when we tell our stories are to accomplish, which is to point specifically where and how we found and established a relationship with a power greater than ourselves such that would solve our problem. Back on 498 it says, He said with that belief and attending meetings, I would find a higher power of my own understanding. And way back in the beginnings of our fellowship, and if we go back in this text all the way back to Bill's story, when Ebi was talking to Bill, he said, it was only a matter of being willing to believe in a power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. In this last portion of the story, the author is talking about change and how his life changed dramatically. In our 12th step, it says, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. On page 567 in our appendix, The Spiritual Experience, these phrases are used to describe the spiritual awakening or spiritual experience. Vast change in feeling and outlook. Undergone a profound alteration in our reaction to life. Members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource. On page 106 of the step 12 in the 12 and 12 it says this. maybe there are as many definitions of spiritual awakening as there are people who have had them but certainly each genuine one has something in common with all the others and these things which they have in common are not too hard to understand when a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel and believe that which you could not do before on his own unaided strength and resources alone he has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered. In a very real sense, he has been transformed because he has laid hold of a source of strength which in one way or another he had denied himself. He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable. What he has received is a free gift and yet usually, at least in some small part, He has made himself ready to receive it. A.A.'s manner of making ready-to-receive this gift lies in the practice of the 12 steps of our program. My name is Don C. I am an alcoholic. I also am a member of the Mohican Nation. I was born for the Turtle Clan on my mother's side, and I wasborn for the Coyote Clan onmy father's side. and my Indian name is Tantanka Wambli was given to me by the elders when I was given the responsibility to be keeper of what's called the sacred hoop of a hundred eagle feathers. So one of the things you taught me was to just share my experience, strength and hope to tell what happened and what it was like and what its like now so I will do that. And maybe the best way that I could do that is when I first come into the program, I didn't get it right away. I had went back out a number of times until I went to a meeting, a speaker's meeting up in Estes Park, south side of Denver, Colorado. And that was there where I met Don P. He had this book. It was so used. He had rubber bands and the pages were coming out of it. it was in there, he looked at me and he had a presence about him for those of you who know who that man is that's how it happened I sat down there and he looked at me with those blue eyes and here's the Indian guy that was a change and he told a story that I connected to immediately I guess in our culture stories are very powerful right away I understood what was going on. He told a story about this boxing match and he said there was this big arena and one corner was a person in the white trunks that was alcohol and the other corner opposite, black trunks, was me and I was sitting there. People started to come in that arena and me and alcohol were just kind of looking at one another a little bit And, of course, what they do at those type of events, they always block off and reserve the front rows. That's so it's reserved for your family so that they can get the best view. And so my family walked in there and they removed that ribbon and they all let them sit there right in front so they could see very well what was about to happen. And so the time came for it to start and a referee called us both out And the referee said, there's some rules here. He said, you know, there is no hitting below the belt. And when I say break off, break off. And he explained a lot of the rules. And me and Elk Hall both agreed to those rules. And we hit the gloves and did the deal. And so we went and sat back in the corner. And somehow the Elk Haul and I, we were connecting. We were watching each other. We were studying each other very, very carefully. and so the bell rang and we came out and we boxed around there and it wasn't too bad I mean it was kind of fun doing that deal and the bell rung we sat down and I looked out there really intense the elk calling I was really looking back kind of had this smile on his face like it knew something and so we got out there and we were dancing around boxing around some more and I don't know how it happened And I must have had let my guard down, but the alcohol seemed to sneak in a real lucky punch. It just stung me really good. It kind of surprised me. I looked at the alcohol and he said, oh, that was just a lucky punch, he said. You can whip me. And when he said that, somehow within my innermost self, I knew what the alcohol told me was true. I knew that I had the power to whip that alcohol. so after the first few rounds this alcohol is starting to do this more frequently it's just really stinging me really good even one time very early hit below the belt and I looked at that referee and the referee didn't say anything it's like he didn't see what was going on so as I noticed when I sat down between the rounds I started to see the people started to walk out of there they started to leave because I think they detected what was going to happen there was a very boring fight and so I was focused on alcohol we got out there by the time we were in our middle rounds and now alcohol is stinging me almost at will and each time it says to me you can quit me and each times it said that from my innermost self I knew what the alcohol was doing it was telling me the truth they could see my secret power that I had my willpower and so got up there and around a little bit higher and I'm staring at the alcohol and by then I kind of looked around and everybody was gone except my family they were still sitting in that front row getting that good view and by them my eyes were swell shut and the alcohol was really hurting but it said over there with that smile on and I was attracted to that It had like a power. I kept thinking, I can whip you. Finally, I sit there and I felt this tug on my arm. And it was one of my daughters. And I looked at her and I says, what? And she says, mom says to tie you. Let's go. She said, just climb down out here. She says, we'll give you a ride home. We'll all go home. And I look down at her. And I said, daughter, I said you tie your mama just one more round. I'm going to make some moves in this round. You just tell her to sit there and watch. So I got out there, and I wasn't able to maneuver exactly how I wanted to do that. But the alcohol was almost intentionally hitting below the belt and doing a lot of things that wasn't right, and the referee wasn't saying anything. And it really started to do some damage that last round. And so I went back and I sat down there again and through an eye that was barely open, I looked at the alcohol. I could see it's kind of a blur. And I'm getting really focused now. And pretty soon I felt this tug on my arm and I looked down there and it was my son. And I looked out at him and I said, What? and he says mama says to tell you we're going to leave we want you to come with us please he said please daddy says come with us and I looked down at him and I said just one more round, I said you watch I said I got a secret move I'm going to do it now sit here and watch I figured it out and so we got out there And by this time, alcohol had me right on my knees. And they were screaming, you can whip me. And I kept saying to my inner one self, I can do this, I can do it. And pretty soon it was stomping on my head and kicking and bruising. And I laid there all as I could really see alcohol was just its thinner shoes. And I'm not exactly sure when my family left. But they did. They couldn't. take any more of what was going on there. And so they walked out of there and I was looking at the alcohol's tennis shoes and I said, I think the alcohol is lying. I said I think it knows how to whip me and it didn't. So I crawled out of that arena. I got out there kind of healing up and putting a little salve on and talking to a few people, found a self-help book. Now one day I started thinking. There was another move that I knew about. So I put on my gloves and I went down there. Didn't know if alcohol was going to be there or not, But when I got to that area, alcohol was standing in the corner with its arms on the ring. And I said, alcohol? I said I'm back. And the alcohol said I knew you would be. He said because you can whip me. And I says I got some moves. The elders taught me some moves or whatever. But I went in there and he didn't even allow me to get in the ropes. The alcohol put me down immediately, just right away, kicked Bruce's thumb. I once again was looking at the alcohol's tennis shoes. And so I crawled out of that arena again, and I got out there, and I found a new self-help book. And I got thinking again about that alcohol. And so I put on those gloves one more time after I healed some and I went back in there. And I said, alcohol, I'm back. Yes, I knew you would be. And I went in there, and you know the story, immediately looking at your tennis shoes. and it took what it took but it was that moment that I was absolutely able to experience and understand that line in the big book that one must fully concede to the innermost self that you're an alcoholic you have this disease and that was my turning point so I called out of that arena on August 10th 1978 and I have not found it necessary to return And it took that for me to come to you. I knew about AA. I didn't know what it was, but I knew what it was about. So I was living in Colorado Springs and there was a meeting downtown. So I went in the afternoon and I scouted it out where that address was on Tejon Street. And I didn't tell anybody, but that night the meeting started at 8 o'clock. I went down there a little bit before and I seen the cars started to park in that area. And there was one slot right in front of where the door was. And so I drove by that and I said, you know, I'm going to go around this block. And if I come around that block and that slot is there, I am going to get in there. So I drove around that block and I come around That slot was still there And everybody seemed to be parking on the other side of the street So I slowed my old race car down some And I looked at that slot And I said, I'm going to go around that lot one more time And if that spot is there I'll go in there So I rode as slow as that car would go Around that block And would you know, that darn slot was still there. So I parked in that slot and I went up those stairs and there was a man there, a greeter. I think if he wasn't there, I think I would have changed my mind because there was all these things. But anyway, he greeted me and he welcomed me in there and I walked in the room and I looked around And the first observation I had, I said, oh my God, they saw all white people. But anyway, I got a cup of coffee in the chair and I sat down. And I don't remember a lot about that meeting. Mostly what I remembered about that meet was things I didn't like. one of the things I didn't like is I couldn't believe that these people were telling about their weaknesses they were saying they were selfish and dishonest self-centered you know and I thought man these are some stupid white people why are they saying that like where I come from you never told nobody nothing see like that the other thing drove me nuts was the laughter Jesus they would tell something And they'd just laugh and belly laugh and everything else. And, you know, there was nothing funny at this scene. Nothing. But the other thing that I come out of there with that I didn't understand until much later, there was a feeling. I didn' t know what that was. But there was feeling there. I couldn' t even explain it. But there were something. But I had been to AA enough to know there were certain things that I was told I ought to do that I wasn't willing to do. I wasnít at first willing to get a sponsor. Thatís not something I was willing to go through. I wasnít willing to give anything to do because I always did everything myself. And so when I came back off that last drunk, I had all the resistance beat out of me. I had no resistance when I came to you I don't care what it was the alcohol had taken whatever that was away I was ready so I knew that I had to get a sponsor and I was kind of watching this guy for a long time I watched him how he was in meetings he's kind of a rough guy but there was something about him, he's like an elder a rough elder but he had that thing that I was attracted to so after that meeting I watched I knew where he went and I went and asked him if he would be my sponsor and he said let's get some coffee we'll talk about it so we sit down at the table and Frank he was maybe close to 6'6 or 6'7 he was a big man he was very scarred up you never doubted whether Frank was an alcoholic or not you knew he was and in my opinion he was hit with an ugly stick very, very young and after I talked to him for a little while I found out he's very sarcastic and very judgmental And so as we sat there and talked, I saw him sizing me up. He was scanning me like that, you know, looking at me. So anyway, he said, you knows, I've been sober for over 15 years. He said, I watch you and you just come in here all the time. He said you sit way in the back row. And he said you come in a little late and you leave a little bit early. and he said, you don't say nothing. You guys just all sit in the back row. He said, maybe you last two months. But he says, mostly you don t. He said,, you guys are really weird. He said., you don T say nothing, we don T know what you re thinking, none of that. He said,. you don Te get this at all. But he said., I want you to do that. And I don t know if you ve ever been like when you were a child that somebody got you a little puppy. You know how sometimes you're a kid with a puppy and you tease it. It's like you rub its face like that and it starts to growl and you rub it some more. That's how I felt he was doing to me. You guys don't make it. There's something wrong with you. And I remember I sat there and I stared at this old man. I looked him really strong in the eye like that. I used to stare at him when I got upset with him. And I remember I was thinking to myself, I says, I'll show you, you white son of a bitch. I said, I don't make it. I don' t make it But that's where I was at the time, you know. And he said to me, he said, He said, you now, he just now decided I'm going to be your friend for the rest of your life. He said, you don't even need to lie. It's got nothing to do with you. He said I just decided I'm going to be your friend. And he said there are some things that I can give you. He said one is I'll be your friend and he says the next thing I can gives you is some hope. He said because I know something you don' t. I know how to stay sober. You don' T know how to stay silver. So there's something that I have that you want. He said, I'll tell you some things I'm not. He's saying, not your taxi cab. Don't be calling. I ain't your banker. I ain't in your hotel. And then this whole list of things he said that he wasn't. So he said how this will work and he grabbed that big book of AA and he showed me about how many pages was 164 pages. And he looked at me and he said, if you do exactly what's in these 164 pages, he said you will never have to drink again. He said this program isn't about slipping all the stuff that you hear. He said, this program is designed given to us by the creator as that you come in here and if you are willing to do these instructions you will ever have to do drink again. And that was maybe the first time I started to feel what it felt like to have tears flow. I could feel that lump coming because I wasn't used to having those tears flow because I tried everything. And when I heard that. Whatever that was, I knew he was telling me the truth. So he said. So he took a schedule. By then I had moved to Denver and he took a schedule and he said, you are to attend six meetings. I will choose the meetings that you will attend. So one night it was a big book study, traditions. So every night there was a meeting I was to attend. Sunday night was my meeting, a choice. I could go to whatever meeting I wanted. And he said you go to this meeting and when you get there you just say your name is Don. You say you're an alcoholic. And he said, don't say nothing else because you've got nothing of any value to anybody. You know nothing. Until you take the third step, then we'll consider letting you say some things. And so I went to these meetings and I followed what he said. But of course, you know, in a place, if they know who's your sponsor, they know what the deal is too. They know you've gotta go there and not talk because That's the way he did it. Then he showed me the instructions in that big book. You know, I had looked at that big book before but I could never find the instructions in it. In fact, it was the most boring book I ever read in my whole life. But then when he started to show me these pages is the instructions for this step. And so he showed me the pages for step one and he said what is going on in your life right now, he says you actually made your life a lot more simpler than you thought because right now the only problem you have in your whole life is the step you're on your other problems now have changed and that no matter what meeting you go to if you're in step one you listen from the point of view of step one, whatever is going on there and so I went to meetings every night just like how he told me, my name's Don, I'm an alcoholic And after about four months, I went to this meeting. Who would walk in but just Indian woman would walk in. And I could tell the way she looked at me right away, I knew she had her eye on me. We was connecting. And so I sat there and I got thinking to myself, Well, you know, you're not going to make any points if you just say your name is Don. You're an alcoholic and you don't say anything. This is not good. You've got to at least quote the book or do something, you Know. So it came my turn to speak and come around, and that's exactly what I did. And I was doing like 449, you Now, on page 86. God, she got the biggest smile on her face. I knew it was at least a cup of coffee after that meeting. And so we did, and we got a cup of coffee over at the Village Inn. Boy, I was so happy. I was coming back to this little apartment I had. I was strutting. I mean, I wasn't, you know. But anyway, I got in there, and I wasn' t in my apartment, 15 seconds the phone rang and I was so up I was happy I pick up the phone and I go hello and you know who it was right what the hell you're doing moving your lips you know you know those sponsors are like the internet they're everywhere You know, they know everything. So I continued to go to those meetings and work, and we got done with step one, verse 43 pages. And then we got to the second half of step one and he showed me what he called the unmanageability paragraph. It's located on page 52 of the big book. And it says, We were having problems with our personal relationships. We couldn't control our emotional nature. We were full of fear. And he had me take that sentence and flip it into a question. And I had to take a look at my relationships with others. So I put my children down there, friends, work. And what I had TO take a LOOK at and THINK about was when I interacted with those people, not what did they do, but how did I handle that? And what I saw is I run, I judge, I put them down. I was self-centered. I retaliated. I got even. I had another whole deal going on and I turned around and I thought that was all their fault. I didn't know that I was reacting a certain way. I never looked at that before. I didnít even know how to look at myself. And so as I started to look at that, and then I saw my emotional nature. When I'm angry, what do I do? And when I'm depressed, what Do I do when I am happy? What do I Do when I myself? Okay, what I do now started to see this whole world that I was living in and I could see why my life was unmanageable. And so I got all nine of those areas done and I can see step one. I could see that powerless over alcohol and I could see the unmanageability in my life was caused by me but I didn't know how to do anything else not the way I was raised and all those other things that's how I reacted normally, that was normal to me was to retaliate, get even that was the deal so when we got done with that he showed me for solutions, agnostics It was for Chapter 2. I had to read that 25 times. And then as we got into Step 2, he had me create nine visions. He said the steps are all interconnected with each other. One is dependent on another in a very natural order. And so when I got to do the work on Step 2. I took a look at this work with my unmanageability of personal relationships. Then he had me create a vision of what would it look like if one were working. In other words, came to believe that a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity. Sanity and having that sound mind. So I had to do some work with him, getting the idea, well, what would they look like if they were working? And he said you didn't have to, when you do that, you don't have be willing fully. You could be half willing, you could be kind of willing, you could kind of maybe sometimes most of the time willing on Tuesdays and Fridays or whatever. Any of that was more than enough to make it work. And he said, most of this work will be done actually out of your current belief system. And when I got that done, I showed it to him. And he says, now this work that you have done in step two, this will be your spiritual awakening in step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. He said you just did, if you want an idea, sneak preview of what that's going to be, you just Did That. So I had things in there like, you know, with women or at that time I was still married, but I had that in there that I would be kind and tolerant and I would being loving and forgiving. And it was like this, when I was doing that work, it was like the little people was on my shoulder. You know, I'd be right kind and tolerant, like jerk on my earlobe and say, who are you trying to shit? I didn't think he could see you being kind and tolerant. But he said, don't worry about how is it going to happen. Don't worry. Don't even worry about when, but that the possibility exists that a power would be able to do this. And so I went ahead and did that. And then from there, he took me into the third step, which I had some hesitation about the third step. Whoever wisdom it was that put God as you understand him, that really saved my in that third step and the way that Frank worked that is he considered every line in a big book was an instruction or a sentence that you had to connect to your experience. So when he said your life was run by self-pulsion, when we went over that, I had to share with him what I thought that meant based on my life experience that I was the actor and I was manipulating even trying to be kind and I Was self-centered so we went through the whole thing and then he showed me in that book, he said the third step gives you five concepts of a higher power it ain't a doorknob he says it's not in there he lays it right out there's five things to consider There was a point in my sobriety that he had me, at certain times, look up every word in a big book with a dictionary of those four letters or more because he said, you're really your mind. He used to tell me about my mind. So we went through that. So when I was going to meetings, I was on third step, so I listened from the third step point of view. And I had a hard time coming to do that for a couple of reasons. One is like on our reservation, you know, they have a, some of you won't know what it is, but they have, like, boarding schools and mission schools. When I was growing up, that's where we went. So it depended upon which church had the money, I guess. You know, we just had one church, so one would leave, another one would come in, and then they'd leave, and another one come in. And so they always had food and clothes that they always gave you, but you never got them until after the pitch, you know. You had to go to the sermon, you knows, whatever. So that's the way they do it. So one would come in, maybe, you know, I think they were called Pentecostals or whatever. And so then we all had to do all this stuff. And you know what? You know, and then go and eat and stuff like that. Then zip, they'd lose the money. And then you wait a couple months and the Catholics would come. So we were just kind of used to the missionaries coming and going. And you've got to be doing this, you Know, and then they would tell you good thing the other one's not here because if you belong with that, you go to hell. We are the ones that have the way, you know. So it's kind of confusing because they're all kind of, you didn't know which one was it, was the right one as they came and went. And you take a little Indian kid, when you see like a nun, they're different today, but in the nuns, they were dressed in a certain kind of uniform. Boy, they are big when you're a little kid they're scary you know they didn't have discipline problems you know and uh and they would explain this thing about god and here i come here you gotta turn your lap over to care of god and you know like it's if i remember these stories like when we were little they'd say like have you ever been burned with a cigarette let's see well yeah well in hell your whole body is a blister. And you can just whoa! It just gives you chills, you know. And then they say, have you ever been thirsty? Well, there ain't no water in hell. Then they say now you want to seek God. You go, you bet I do. You bet I will. You bet you do. But it was like you had the flames of hell licking your ass, you know, and you're... And that's how I thought God was. You do it where you go to hell, and now you're asking me once again to do this. And so I was processing what that step was. Until I was in a meeting one time, and I heard this man tell a story. He said there was this pond, and there was a log on there, and there were four frogs sitting on this log. And he said one of those frogs made a decision to jump in the water. And I said, how many frogs are left? I said three. He said no. Still four frogs. But one of them decided. But that frog when it decided, and he says how that connects to the third step, is God makes us an orange frog. So you have three green ones. You make a decision to turn your life and your will over. God makes you orange. And I had some confusion, you know, in these rooms because you would hear people in meetings, they say about the will. about, well, I took my will back and I turned it over and I took it back and took it over and I was going, how the heck does that work? You turn your life over and then you take it back and then something happens and you give it back and you turn it over. The way that this man said, he said, once you turn your live over and you become an orange frog, he said that's it. So what happens if you turn your lifeover say on Monday become orange frog Monday And then Wednesday, you get all pissed off at somebody. He said, You're just a pissed-off orange frog. So what happens on Saturday if you go get drunk? He said. You are now a drunk orange frog And where my mind was, I went, Duh, I got it. So I went over to Frank and I called him up, made my appointment. And I said, I'm so excited. He says, Frank, I want to become an orange frog so anyway that night we went through that book line by line I had to tell him my experience was I an actor? oh you're an actor like do you do the little Indian thing in front of white people you know and so I had I really be honest about many many things the games that I played in front a certain people and so that night we got through with that me and that old man we got on our knees and we held hands and we read the third step prayer he read it first called that book open and then I read that third step pray so when that was done I said what next he reached behind his chair and he brought out a tablet and a ruler and by the time I left there I was writing a five column resentment inventory a four column fear inventory and an 11-column sex inventory, you know, where he designed himself. But he had me make a column for each one so I could see the patterns much better. And so I went ahead, I wrote that inventory, and he especially warned me about the dark crannies that I had to tell everything, everything. The sexual things, the secrets, money I stole, all those things that I did, I had it in there. The only instruction I did was, I wrote the inventory in those columns like he said, but I wrote to sick stuff on a different sheet of paper. And when I got my inventory done, I knew it was good. I had... I did a lot of sick, sick, six shit that I felt bad about and all that, you know. But I knew what was all on there. I knew who it was. So it came time this Friday, I could tell he either had the fifth step or drink and it was going to happen that night because I couldn't bring myself to do it but you know how you get those your wrists and you start going and I start thinking I'm going to go there for a pack of cigarettes and I could see that thinking coming I could seen increasing I knew it was either fifth step or drink and so I call up Frank and they just take him to the hospital he went there so I called another guy didn't answer his phone You know, it's kind of hard when you're new and you don't know all the things you know. But I called this third man, and he knew. He said, do you have a fifth step to do? I said, yeah, I do. He said come on over, I'll do the coffee pot. So we went over there, and I had my little notebook, and I was reading it when we got done. He said is that it? I said yeah, that's it. I said this one's just too bad. So he said I'm going to make us another pot of coffee. so as he was making that copy he was just sharing with me some of the stuff that was on his first fifth step and I remember as he shared this with me I thought man this white guy is way sicker than me you know he is really sick so then I finally I thought you know and he told me some really juicy stuff see I didn't know he was free I thought, okay, okay. I have another little bit of paper here that I'll share with you. But I got thinking in my mind, you know, if you tell on me, I'll tell on you. That's what the deal was, you see. But I went through and I started to share that, and it was hard. And some of it he just put his hand on my shoulder and he said, just say the next one. It was like my throat was closed, and I didn't want to tell him about how I was sexually abused and what this uncle did and all those things that would happen. I never told nobody when I was 9, 10, and 11 what happened just around sexual abuse. And then the man that did it was my uncle, and he was my mother's most favorite brother. and then one night there was a big party on the res it got kind of wild somebody shot him six times right in the chest and when he got shot I was overjoyed I was happy but I watched what that did to my mom because my mother's most favorite and I carried all that stuff around I was able to with the help of that man admit it to myself to the creator what that was they all came out so he said you go home He said, I'm going to stay by the phone. You've got to review the first five proposals. And then he said there's a set of promises there on that fifth step. He said every odd step has a set of promises, but they all have a condition. Withholding nothingness happens. Withhold something, it don't. And so I was taught about these promises. And so when he says you can look at the world in the eye and be at perfect peace, and I didn't understand what those things were. and for the first time I was amazed like I go back to think of something that I would feel guilty bad or what about and I could remember the story but the feelings changed but the best way I can describe this experience maybe for the 1st time in my life is to I'll share with you a story it's a story about an eagle that was raised by chickens and there was this farmer he had this farm and he heard these two gunshots. And he walked over there and somebody killed two eagles. The male and the female eagle were laying there on the ground and he said, Oh my God, who could do such a thing? And all of a sudden he heard a noise. He looked up and there was a big nest up there in the tree. So he climbed up there and sure enough there were two little eagles in that nest. And he said Oh no man. So he stuck them in his pocket and he said, I'll do something with him. He said, I can't leave him here to die. So he's walking back out by the farm and he come past a chicken coop and he says, Well, hell, I'll just throw him in the chicken and see what happens. And so through those two little eagles and they was accepted immediately. And so a little time went on and this one eagle looked at his brother and he goes, Brother, he says something's not right here. He said there's something just not right. He says, Even when we try to crow, He says, we sound really weird. It doesn't sound right. And when we scratch, he said, it don't work very well. And his brother said, look, just leave Willing up alone. He said, just say, you know, it's okay. So a little time went on and of course he grew a little bit and their feathers changed and they had that talk again. His brother said look, he says something is really wrong. Well by this time the other, his brother Eagle had grown enough that the chicks was looking at him. And so he was grooming his feathers and doing his hair. So this eagle thought he was in heaven because he was really attracted to him. So he said, just leave it alone. Don't mess with nothing. So a little time went by and spring came and the farmer said, you know, the spring's here, I'm going to let all these chickens out and get some fresh worms and things. So he opened up the door and they all got out and they were getting the grub rooms and everything and just one eagle happened to stroll down this road and all of a sudden he heard this laughter this belly laugh just laughing he was looking all around to see what he was laughing and finally he looked up and there was an owl sitting in the tree now the owl is just laughing and he said what are you laughing at he said I'm laughing at you because you're acting like a chicken he said you're not a chicken he said your eagle I am not So they argued back and forth, so finally the owl flew down And he landed right by that little eagle And he said, get on my wings, hop on my back He said, but hang on So he hopped on that owl's back and he took off Because it was kind of heavy, so he had to find a runway almost But anyway, he took it off and he got some air currents He started riding and finally circling around He got way up and the eagle is hanging on He's got his eyes closed like this every once in a while I open up his eye and he closes and he's just scared you know and so the owl is explaining to him you carry the prayers to the creator and this is your place and everybody loves you and they respect you finally he said to the owl he says take me back down, take me black down but no no no no I'm a chicken he said take me backe down there And the owl says, you've got to listen to me. It's like a sponsor, you know. So anyway, he couldn't convince him. And so finally the owl, he zigzagged back and forth like this a couple of times. He says, sorry little brother. And he made this loop and he dumped him off. And now the eagle went tumbling down through the sky. And so the owl went in a dive right alongside him. Spread your wings, spread your wings. No, I can't. I can. It hurts. No, you've got to spread them, man. You've got spread them. You know, it's this fourth and fifth step. You've gotta spread them I can, I cant. It hurts! I know it hurts. Spread them! So finally, he's got his wings up just enough and he finally caught the air currents and went, wow! And so he was just, yeah, instinct kicked in. He just kind of knew. You know? He started to get a feel for it like something inside him. And so all of a sudden the sponsor is following him around, you know. And finally the eagle says, man, I think I remember how to do a flip. Something inside of me, you now. So he put his tail down and he just did a flip and he couldn't believe. And he said, I've got to talk to my brother. So he went back down as quick as he could, got in a chicken coop and there his brother is. Making, snagging another one, you kno. So finally, he got his brother down there and talked to the owl. He wouldn't believe it. It got on his back. Rode the air currents, finally got up there. Wouldn't listen either. Spread your wings, spread your wings. I can't, I can' t, it hurts. So he dumped them. And when he went tumbling finally, he also was able to spread his wings. And that's the way when I got done with that fifth step. I remember my sponsor when I wrote that third column. He said, what's going to come out in there? See, I thought I was writing the truth about myself. That's what I thought I waswriting. He said no. He said what you're writing in that third column is the truthaboutthelie. That'swhatyou'rewriting. You're no good. There's no way. You can't do it. You're an idiot. You're not the right color. You'renotthe right sex. You're a, you're a... And I walked around thinking that's who I was. And that thinking who I was led me to escape with that alcohol. That's all I could do. I couldn't stand who I am. I would fog up a mirror in the bathroom so I didn't have to see what was in there. And I couldn'T quit doing it, was the damn thing. I didn'T know how to stop doing that. And so, that was my experience of that fifth step. I become an eagle. I become a Indian. I could come back to that culture again. And I wanted to be an Indian. I wanted to sing. And I wanted to learn that drum. Just something woke up. It's like those ancestors within that just came out. It started, you see, to do that. Then out of that I was able to define my character defects. And I was taught how to do that in making my amends. A lot of funny amends stories. But when I was maybe four years sober, I took these steps to the elders. And I laugh about it now. I said, I want to talk to you about this white man's way called the 12 steps. And so I explained these 12 steps to them. And when I got done with that, they said, oh, that's not a white man'S way. They said, that is an Indian way. And they said the only thing that we would change is we would take those 12 steps and put them in a circle. So they taught me to put steps one, two, three in the east. And that's that like new sun, new day. That's where you find your relationship with your higher power. Steps four, five, six in the south. That's when you find a relationship with yourself, the inventory steps. You know your strength and your weaknesses. Steps seven, eight, nine in the west, the inventories steps. That's where you've got to go and forgive, set everything right. That's the direction with your relatives to establish now I'm established with my relations, with everyone. Step 10, 11, 12, in the north, that's the elder's wisdom. So all of a sudden we put the steps in a circle and it seemed like I was just home. It was so natural to see everything in a cycle because that's how Grandpa taught me when I lived with my grandpa. So the way that I was sponsored, I was taught to go through the steps every year prior to my AEA anniversary. Last July, I finished my 27th path through the Steps at AEA. Thank you very much. Not to discourage anybody, but that set of steps that I went through was the hardest, most difficult. It was four times worse than my process. The steps used my sexual abuse. Because you're long-term sober, don't think you've got it. You haven't made it. I asked a creator to help me. I always knew something was missing, something was wrong. And it was time the Creator allowed me to see this root. It was doubt being happened a long, long, Long, long time ago. Connected to everything. And my daughter, she watched me go through that three days. I really, really struggled. She'd bring me food, you know, like sit it by the door and take off. Because she's in recovery, she knows I was doing what I needed to do. I wasn't in danger. But sometimes when you have that honesty, and you've got to admit that this is what you did and this is the way you did it. This is what happened. This is your part of it. And I came out of that. To me, the longer you're sober, the harder it is. The rewards are greater in doing the work. The steps today are very difficult for me. And I never go through them alone. I always have somebody take me through them. One of the things I learned in this process is my ego loves to analyze itself. Boy, and is that a trip. Oh, you caught me. Let me tell you what's wrong with me. And then that will tell you and just puts on another mask and there I go into delusion again. When Johnny looking cloud, I asked him one time, I'm going to close here, but he asked him once, I said, Johnny, teach me to pray. I want to know how to pray." So, he said, Okay, so he said you've got to get up really early in the morning and you watch for when that sun first comes over the horizon and it will raise up until it's a full circle. He said there's a window there. That's when the birds sing, the flowers. There's a lot of activity that goes on. Then when it gets higher, they quit singing. He said pray at the window in the mornings. So I open up my big book on awakening. consider your plans ask God to make your thinking I do it exactly that way and after a little time went on I remember I sat out there one morning I don't know where they come from but it must have been 200 birds came in, robbing some blue jays they were singing and I was just praying this is really cool so I called Johnny looking up man this prayer sure really works there was 200 birds out there singing and I'm praying and I am doing this and he said nephew he said those birds have been singing every morning and it was there but I didn't see it I didn' t know what was going on so then a little time went by I was praying like that every morning and all of a sudden the eagles would start to come you know how that says messengers would come like that and I was going wow this prayer stuff really works I called Johnny look who called up you know man in his purse. That's really cool. I said, the eagles are coming and feathers are coming. And he said, Nephew, they've always been there. They've always Been There. So I started to realize there's a lot of things that's always been here. I just didn't see it. But you guys are the ones that helped me to see that thing that has always been. God has always loved me. He didn't just start loving me. He always did. It was like that. A lot of people told me I was a chicken And they fed me chicken stuff And I walked around I was an Indian I was acting like a chicken But I found out I ain't a chicken I'm developing into a healthy native man I was 12 years sober I looked in the mirror one day And it was the first time I think ever in my life I looked at myself And I said, you know something? You're kind of cool to be around with. So I go through this work. I can't believe that the Creator has allowed me to do the things that I'm doing. There's a website called whitebison.org. Some of you can check it out. You'll see the rest of the story or page two, whatever it is. Just doing some incredible things the Creator's allowed me to do. I have eight children all together. Some of those children are my children by the Indian way we call it. I Have 15 grandchildren. Number 16 is coming in September, the 16th one. I'm allowed to go and take those babies anytime I want. There was a day I was not allowed to do that. I would say this if I were to say what was the worst thing I've had to pick one of the worst things in the drinking years what would it be I'd pick the loneliness it appears like a hole you do all kinds of stuff to fill that hole and what I found out from you it was the creator that I was looking for I didn't know that But if I were to pick the best thing that has happened is a relationship that I have with my creator. It is so cool. I don't live a life where I have ever, no matter what goes on, a feeling that God has left. I don' t live a Life that way. In the book it says that the possibility, it talks about possibilities. It talks about the possibility of another dimension. It says that you have the possibility of carrying a vision of God's will into every area of your life. God's Will in my life is not a mystery. I don't wonder what is that anymore. And I've learned I have to grow in effectiveness, and I have come to you, my teachers. So I'll kind of close with this. There was a time I went home one time to our reservation, andI was raised in Hell there. But some of my relatives They took me in a car And they took me to the edge of the res And they said Don't come back here no more You're crazy We're all ashamed of you Don't go back here So I knew what they were saying I was doing things I didn't know how to stop doing Then where do I end up With you guys And when I did the crazy shit What you said is keep coming back so I know it won't happen but if the creator ever came and said grasshopper no you need to make a choice you have to choose either AA or you haveto choose your tribe I would choose you guys if I had to do that because you are my tribe. You are the one. So I'll close with this prayer, and that's the prayer you taught me too. And this prayer says, God, thank you for what you've given me. God, thanks for what you've taken from me. And God, thank you for what you've left me. And this is this tribe. You're the ones that I depend upon. Thank you very much.