Low Self-Esteem and the Wall of Insulation Between Him and the World – Steve L.

Steve Lamb, alcoholic. It's good to be here, it's good to be sober. I didn't notice in the introductions, did they ask if anybody was new? Is anybody in their first 30 days? Welcome, Matt. All right. Well, for Matt and anybody else that just couldn't raise their hand, you are welcome and Alcoholics Anonymous, I really want to thank Patrick for inviting me out to share with you. It's an honor and a privilege to share any time in AlcoholicsAnonymous, and you all have been great. Got picked up by Topher and Heidi, got taken to the hotel room, and then for a special treat they sent out Stuart and Marcus. And it's a special treatment, really, for me because I think it's always wonderful if the person who's driving me around has to blow into an alcohol interlock device. Yeah, not only to get started, but periodically as we're rolling. And I got to tell you, I did ask him, you know, I want to make sure that if for some reason, you knows, Stuart and I aren't watching, you now, and Stuart just kind of takes a nip in between driving, and he blows hot, this thing isn't going to shut off on the freeway or anything. But he assured me that's not how it works. But I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and if you're new, I want you to know it wasn't that way when I got here. Not at all. My experience is it grows on you. In fact, I really didn't like AlcoholicsAnonymous when I Got Here. I got her July 27th, 1996. That's my sobriety date, so I'm the same year as Amy. That was a great talk that Amy gave. but I really, really loved that talk. And I got here because I got a DUI. Nothing nearly as dramatic as Amy with the wedding gown and the driving, but I drove drunk all the time, and I finally got a GUI, and the judge sentenced me to go to six AA meetings in six months. I thought it was excessive. And I didn't know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous other than that I had heard this vicious rumor that y'all don't drink in AlcoholicsAnonymous. I don't want to not drink, so I don'T want to go, And I didn't go until I had about five weeks left to do six AA meetings. And just so you understand how this alcoholic's mind works, I'm thinking, oh my God, that's more than one a week. Who could possibly go to like more than once a week? I mean, you know, in the greater LA area at the time, there was probably 2,000, 2,500 meetings a week, but I got a busy social calendar. I don't know how I could possibly fit you in. Again, I'm not going to Vegas like Amy, but I'm a happening guy. You know, I've got things going on. And so finally I start going to AA, July 27th, 1996. And this is a beautiful facility. I mean, you have carpeting, padded chairs. It's wonderful. But I got sober in Hermosa Beach. And I got some sober in the Hermosa beach Alano club, which is now it's kind of upscale a little bit. They've painted it white and got some new chairs. But back then it was kind of this really kind of a poop brown color. not only the floor but the walls, the seat, everything brown. And then there was these folding metal chairs that were kind of half broken can to one side and it was kind of a rough room. And I walked in there July 27th, 1996 and I came in these double doors. They have a coffee bar where you're supposed to go before the meeting and then after the meeting you go into the main meeting hall. I'm about five minutes late. I walk in and to my left there's a counter where they have the literature and some cookies, and there's two people up there. And they're doing birthdays. And in Southern California, they do birthdays all the time and they celebrate them with cakes. And I don't know anything about birthdays. I don'T know anything abOut AA. I took a look at you. You take a look AT me. There's a chair right next to the coffee-making machine to my right. It'S not supposed to be there. There's supposed to BE a trash can there. I sit there, you know, separate from you, as far from you as I can possibly get. And there were nice, lovely people in that meeting room that morning that there were some empty seats and they were waving at me and patting the seat. Come on, come on. No, no. It's not going to happen. I'm not moving. You can't make it. And the reality is I'm terrified, but I'm giving you a hey, back off look. You don't want any part of this. You just go about your business. You do your thing. And they were. And what was happening was, by way of example, Well, somebody like Marcus has given somebody like Patrick a cake for some ungodly period of time. But they didn't have a cake that morning. They had an inverted styrofoam cup. So Marcus is in the back of the room with this inverted stylofoam cub. He puts a candle on it and he lights this molten inferno of candle wax and styrofloam. And then he cups it like it's the Olympic torch. And he reverently walks it up the aisle and Patrick is waiting with anticipation. And then you all sing happy birthday off key, by the way. I'm not judging. I'm just saying it was pathetic. And then Patrick blows this monstrosity out and thanks Marcus for the cake. And I'm new, but that ain't a cake. I mean, it's not even a pastry, you know? And so this is getting to be a level of weirdness that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. And then Patrick thanks Marcus and he starts telling us all things you're not supposed to talk about. You know, we don't talk about doing this stuff. And he's talking about it and he's talking about recovery, and people are laughing. And I'm not laughing. I'm just laughing because I am brand spanking new. I have not had a psychic change. I have never had any close to a conversion experience, no spiritual waking, no spiritual experience. I mean, I'mjustpissedoff. And then they start sharing. And that morning and every morning there was a guy named Dick Dolman. He died with 15 years of sobriety. He was a lovely man. He helped a lot of people, to include me, but I didn't care for him or anybody else for a long time. And Dick was a retired fire captain. He was totally lit up for AA, and he was slightly deaf, so he shared the same way every morning. And they would call on him, and I didn't know because I'm thinking, I'm not going to be here long. You know, I've seen Marcus. I've seeing Patrick. This is lame. I'm nicht going to participate. I don't know about you, but I get tired. I haven't been busy, so I'm going to take a little nap. I slump down in that folding metal chair. I cross my arms. I shut my eyes. I figure it'll be over eventually. They call on Dick, and Dick does what he does every morning, I'm a nice dick and I'm an alcoholic. Now, when you're half asleep and way over on the chunky side in a folding metal chair, you're just like flailing all over the place and I am grabbing onto the coffee machine and people are looking at me like you did, sir. And they are laughing and they are chuckling and they say, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I am like, you, you know, I mean, I hate you people. Now they are laugh at me. This place sucks. And you go on and tell your sad, pathetic tales and finally the meeting is over. And I get up to leave and I go to leave. But somebody says, we're going to say a prayer. OK, I can do this. No problem. But then the people on my left and right, they grab my hands. You know, I mean, this physical contact thing, you know, but I don't want to make a scene. So we said a prayer, I don' t know if it was the Lord's Prayer. It could have been a serenity prayer. We could have sung Kumbaya. I have no idea what the prayer was, but it was finally over and I go to let go. You know, catch and release. I'm leaving. But in Southern California, they don't let go and the next thing you know, my arms are rocking back and forth and I'm in this perverted daisy chain with about 50 to 70 people and they're all going, keep coming back. It works if you work it. And I'm thinking, okay, boo-boo. I mean, I'm just, you know. I think I've just gotten into the lower regions of hell. I mean, this is just, I can't, I don't know. I just,I couldn't believe how lame this was. I mean you had exceeded my expectations. I'm walking out the door. Somebody's got a phone list, a meeting directory. Somebody shows me a big book. Says here's a big look. It'll save your life. I'm like, I think so. I've got a complex set of social issues. I mean it's just a book and frankly it's not even that big. I mean a big books is like a coffee table book with pictures and stuff in it, you know? But he's like thrilled about this book. And then somebody else says, do you got a sponsor? I'm like, I don't even watch NASCAR, man. I'm beating feet and I'm trying to get out of here. And I've got to tell you, Matt, I was in that meeting almost every day for three years. And I have no explanation for it other than God's grace. But it didn't feel like it at the time. It didn't feels like it. It didn' t feel like at the top. And I'm here to tell my story and my experience. I'm not an authority on Alcoholics Anonymous. I wasn't appointed, I wasn' anointed. I'm just the alcoholic telling his experience just like Amy told her experience. And my experience is I'm hearing people saying things like, hey, just don't drink and go to meetings. Meetings, meetings, meetings. Meeting makers make it. 90 meetings in 90 days. Hey, don't worry about any of that crap. Just go to meetings. So I'm going to meetings one, two, three meetings a day. Now there are people in the rooms that are talking about sponsorship. They're talking about this thing called the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. They're talking about the program of Alcoholic Anonymous, which is the 12 steps contained within the big one. But I have selective hearing and I'm physically sober. I don't want to overreact. You know, I don'T want to get over sober. I DON'T want TO overdo it. So I choose not to hear that stuff. And what happens to me is I'M getting progressively worse. People are talking about being restored to sanity. I feel like I'M going nuts. I'M GOING TO THESE MEETINGS AND PEOPLE ARE TALKING. I'm hearing every second or third word, and all this white noise is going on. I'm a jackass at home. I'm the old-timers are telling me, Lamb, just sit in the corner. Don't bother anybody, and for God's sakes, whatever you do, don't talk to any newcomers. You know, I mean, it was that bad, and I couldn't understand what was going on? I now realize I was suffering from untreated alcoholism, or more accurately, you were suffering from my untreated alcoholicism. And I've got to tell you, I've been around long enough to realize that there are members of Alcoholics Anonymous. They adhere to the third tradition. They have a desire to stop drinking. They go to meetings like I can take an Advil for a headache. And they're fine. I'm just telling you that's not my story. That's not My Experience. And if you're new, AlcoholicsAnonymous is experiential. You're here to have your experience. The steps are a series of spiritual exercises. They're designed to allow each one of us individually to find, develop and maintain a conscious contact with a God or higher power, if you prefer, as Amy said. Of your own personal understanding and experience so that you can live and move and have your being out there. It's that simple because the problem isn't stop and drink. All of us have periodically stopped drinking. The problem is staying stopped. So I don't know what's going on. I'm out of my mind. I'm a trial lawyer by trade. I go to do some depositions. I'm back in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I'm supposed to be there all week. I get done around midweek, Wednesday or Thursday. And I go back to my hotel room. And inside my hotelroom, I have an honor bar. An honor bar? I'm a newcomer. I have no honor. But they give me this thing they call an honorbar. And it's a mini fridge that's packed full of everything I want and need. I mean, two by two by three. It's got bourbon, scotch, gin. And, you know, a lot of beer, domestics, imports. No tequila, which kind of pissed me off. But a lot, a whole lot of good stuff. And I want to drink. And I've been around Alcoholics Anonymous long enough to have heard my story and to get the powerlessness aspect and to realize that to drink is to die. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. I don't see much of a wuss. And I'm scared, but I haven't gotten a solution. So I'm looking at the honor bar, and I want a drink. And I have this feeling, the 12 and 12 in chapter 5 calls it anxious apartness. Every alcoholic I've ever worked with talks about this feeling of separation. That I'm different than you. That you can't possibly understand. Am I better than or less than? Every single alcoholic has it. And I've got it there. I've Got This Anxious Apartness. And I love the big book. I love The 12 and Twelve. We were talking about this earlier. but there's a series of talks that was given by a guy named Chuck Chamberlain. The old-timers know about this. It was put in a book called A New Pair of Glasses. He put it forth in 1975 from Palo Mesa, and it's just one man's experience, now false knowns. But my sponsor had me, in addition to the book and the 12 and 12, I listened to and read that book, and it changed my life. And there's only one drawing in the book. It's a simple drawing. It's A Circle. chuck draws a circle and inside it he puts all the people plants animals in the universe life good god whatever your concept of a higher power is all the People Plants and Animals inside the circle of life and then to the left chuck draws outside the circle and he's separated by and I'm separated by a thin line he identifies his ego or conscious separation from God by the time you get to the 11th step, you're looking for conscious contact. I'm new, I'm pacing back and forth in this hotel room, I am looking at this honor bar. I have conscious separation. And I'm going out of my mind. So I'm trying to distract myself. So, I turn on the TV and I'm watching television. I am going back and fourth between religious TV and porno. Religious TV and porn. Like you've never done that, Heidi? I'm not saying it was a good plan. I'm just saying it's all I got. And frankly, it's not working because I'm getting confused as to who's doing what to whom. I're sorry, but it was, you know, I'm a new guy. And finally I opened up the honor bar and I drink everything in the honor bars except the alcohol. And I drink the soda water. You know, I drink the soda like the sugar soda. Then I drink the diet soda. Then I drink fizzy water. Then I drank the flat water. I drank tonic water. Tonic water! I mean, it serves no point without gin. It's bitter. It sour. Your face almost caves in. You can work through it. But unlike tequila, you don't go anywhere but get pissed off, you know? And I'm pacing back and forth but I don't drink. And you can call it the dumb luck of the alcoholic. We talked about Norm Alpey earlier. Norm Altey called it seconds and inches. I believe it's the grace of God. It's that moment, that moment when I either do or don't do something. And I went downstairs. I got in the car. I went to the airport. Flew back home to Los Angeles. I got up the next morning, and I'm a newcomer. I developed a plan on the plane, and it's a good plan. It's a really good plan, and I've been in the army for a long time. I was in the Army for about 13 1⁄2 years. I got out as a lawyer, but I started it when I went through infantry and airborne school and I went to ranger school and special forces, and I spent quite some time in special forces. And I had a lot of security clearances. And when I got Out of the Army, I had what we call a go bag. And the go bag is a kit bag, and inside the kit bag I had weapons and demolitions and 13 passports. And these are items that I should have relinquished and turned in in 1993, but I wasn't even close to being sober at that time and I didn't even think about it as stealing I just thought this could come in handy one day and today's the day it's the fall, it's in the fall I've got about 100 days stark raving sober and I'm opening this kit bag and I don't know what's going on I'm not going to go Columbine or anything like that and I got rid of the weapons in the demo and I also got rid off the passports but I need the passpoints to execute my plan my plan is this these have different identities and different photographs on it and I take my blue tourist passport that most people have I'm going to fly to British Columbia on my name. It's important to leave the country on my name. Then I'm gonna start flipping passports and identities. I'm Gonna head over to Europe for a couple weeks. I'm Going to come back to British Colombia in two or three weeks after that. I'm Goinna head down to Costa Rica. I've Got some former associates of mine. They're doing some rather interesting marketing and distribution down there. That's my newcomer plan. Now, I have a wife. I have a daughter. They're not part of the equation. I don't think about them. I'm selfish. I'm self-centered. I'm self-seeking. They're not part of the equation. People have been talking about doing geographics. I'm thinking I'm just making a career change, and they're not involved. They're noninvolved, and it's just not part in the equation, so I lay all this stuff out, and I lay out the blue tourist passport and the 13 passports that I should have turned in, and those 13 passpoints are all current. They have not expired. My blue tourist password has expired, so i'm just out of my mind because I'm, I'm thinking I can't execute this very simple but brilliant plan, and the reality is this is pre-911. This is 1996. I could have flown to British Columbia on my driver's license. I didn't even need my passport, but I'm so messed up. My friends from New York called it scuba dish. I just couldn't. I was just... And I started crying. I'm sitting on the floor and I'm crying. And what I heard looping through my head was one of these sick, pathetic, mean spirited AA sayings that they say in Southern California. I don't know if you do this in Colorado you look pretty refined but back there they say if your ass is falling off put it in a bag take it to a meeting I'm like I don't even know what that means I mean you know talking like a hefty double wife you know I mean that's it but apparently it has something to do with me going to a meet-up and I get there that morning and I'm at a meeting and there's a guy named Jim who became my grand sponsor I detested this guy and because all he talked about was the book and the stats that's all he talks about and that morning he was talking about sponsorship and he basically said something to the effect that if you don't have a sponsor and you need a sponsor, come see me after the meeting. I'll help you get a sponsor. So I'm thinking, naturally, people have been talking about, you know, choose wisely. There will be like an interview process. You know, I'll go talk to him because I've got a complex set of social issues, right? I'll talk to Jim and say, Jim, I heard you talking about a sponsor or I've been around about 100 days. I thought it was time for me to get a sponsored. He says, man, you are pathetic. He grabs me. He takes me outside. He introduces me to my sponsor, Michael. He says, Michael, Steve, Steve Michael. Sponsor, sponsor, go with God. And he walks away laughing. And this is not funny. You know, this is non-funny. And I don't know, I don' t, and I'm like, this is wrong. I mean, it's just so wrong on every front. I mean again, I should be able to choose. There should be a selection process. I mean I don''t even know this guy. He''s younger than I am. And he's talking, he's all excited because he's got a live one. I know the feeling. He gets out a card and writes his name and his phone number and his address on the card. He says he asked me two questions. I always ask these two questions to guys I sponsor. He says, do you have a big book? Yeah, I've got a big one. And I'm thinking, no, no. I'm not going to do that. I'm nothing. I'm a knock. I'm going to go do this. Do you have the big book. Yeah. You have a problem. Well, yeah, I got 12 and I'm thinking this is so not happening. This is not happening, it's not. It's not happening you know and I don't know this guy's younger than me and he's got this lazy wandering eyes like drifting off. He won't even focus on me. And by the way, it was weird that morning but when we did sexual inventory and he said we're gonna bring God into it and then he's look, I'm like, where is he? You know, because I don't know what he's looking at. But he says, look, you're going to need those books. Bring them to my house. 630 Monday night. Everything in my body screamed no, but I heard myself say OK. And if you knew that was my first step in Alcoholics Anonymous, I always knew I was powerless over alcohol. I'm the kind of guy my wife sends me out to get milk and come back three days later. You know. I meet Topher. Things happen. The crazy thing is I come back and I got the milk. I am like Hey, baby, I got the milk. What's the problem? She knows what the problem is. It's alcoholism. You know? Amy's husband knows what the problem was. But I don't know. I'm suffering from a delusion. And I just don't get it. But my life is unmanageable. I'm always thinking things are going pretty well. Until that morning when I finally, even in the pathetic, lame way that I did, I asked a man to sponsor me. And I met with him every Monday night and I brought my big book and I bought my 12 and 12 and we read the big book page by page, word by word, line by line. When we got to a prayer we said the prayer we got to the step, we worked the step. And we augmented it with the 12 and 12, in particular in relation to steps 6 and 7 because there's not a lot in the big book on that. And I didn't realize it at the time but it saved my life. And if you're new and you're thinking this doesn't work my experience with the steps is if you do the steps, the steps will do you. Attitude is optional. I was completely convinced that this wasn't working. I was just desperate enough to suspend my disbelief long enough to take action sufficient to have an experience. And every person that I've known has had the same experience. So we're working the steps. We're meeting every Monday night. And I want to talk about some of the steps a little bit more specifically, but particularly for Matt and maybe somebody else who's relatively new, just to give you an idea. I don't like to spend a lot of time on my drinking, but to give me an idea what my drinking was like towards the end. Again, I'm a trial arbitrator. So I had to prepare for trial. And the way I prepared for trial was I drank beer and I shot tequila. That's how I prepared für trial. And it was very effective. The beer was kind of like a basic food group. The tequila was an accelerant. And what would happen is I would drink beer and shoot tequila and I would kind of get in this meditative trance. And what I would do is I could see the courtroom laid out in front of me and I could be myself picking a jury, making an opening statement, presenting all the evidence, examining witnesses, cross-examining witnesses, making a closing argument. The jury would go back and deliberate. They would come back. They would rule in my favor, all while drinking beer and shooting tequila. I mean, it was magic, just magic. The problem with it is somewhere after the jury would come back in my mind's eye, I'd pass out. So what I would do is before I started this process, I would set three, four, five alarm clocks at three- to four-minute intervals all around the room because one's not going to wake me up. Next morning, third, fourth, fifth one goes off. I get up. I'm knocking them all out. I shower, I shave, I put on a suit and tie, go to court. This particular morning that I'm thinking of, I'm in Los Angeles Superior Court. It's the trial court. My client is a guy named Brian. He's out from New York. He's kind of a high finance guy, and it's a civil matter. So it's an commercial case. It's money, somebody else's money. We're picking a jury. And the judge tells me and the other lawyer and our clients, you know, I know this is a commercial matter. I know there's a few million dollars involved, but I know you've had some settlement discussions that have not been fruitful. But you are going to tie my courtroom up for three, five, six, maybe seven weeks. It's just a matter of money. So while the lawyers are picking a jury, I would like the clients to continue talking settlement, especially on the breaks. Okay, no problem. So I'm picking a juror around 1130. Brian tells me he's got a settlement. He's very excited. Several million dollars to his favor. The judge puts it on the record and dismisses us, and Brian looks at me and he says, this is great, this is crazy. You know, I'm really excited. You know? I get to go back to New York, but I, you know, it feels like we should celebrate. And I know it's early, but do you want to have a drink? And I'm like, absolutely. You know what? I totally want to drink. I totally don't want to go to the Grand Avenue Bar. Grand Avenue bar is kind of a high-end bar attached to the Biltmore Hotel. Kind of a snazzy bar. Now I drink beer and cheap tequila, primarily at home, but the bars that I go to often have sawdust and other things on them. They're not like this kind of bar. So we walk into this kindof bar, and Brian has the bartender take a dusty bottle of cognac down from the back of the bar, and he puts it on top of the barn. And he brings out two large brandy snifters, and plunks them down. And he pours in, corks it, and pours a shot into each brandy smifter. Now when you put a shot in a tequila glass, If you're a good bartender, it goes all the way to the top so that I got to lean over, you know, because you don't want to spill any. But you can definitely see the tequila. But when you put an ounce of cognac in a brandy snifter, you can really hardly see it. You know, it's kind of sad and lonely. And you've got to look around because it's like they're just kind of hiding in the bottom. You can kind of see the amber look. And I'm looking at it and Brian can tell I'm confused. He says, you've never had cognac before? I'm like, oh, I've never had cognac before. Now he's buying. I'm not stupid. I'm drinking. But Brian says, look, there's a whole process. There's a protocol. There's the procedure to this. So pay attention. I'm going to go, okay, I'm game. So you want to take the brandy snifter and you want to cup it in the base of your hand so that the glass is touching the bottom of your head. That way the heat from the palm of your hand will go through the glass and it will warm up the cognac and it will release the bouquet of the cognach. I'm thinking, you don't need to do this with tequila but, you know, okay apparently this is, I don't know, cognac, okay and then he says once it's the right temperature you want to bring it up to your nose don't snort it, don't sniff it just allow the vapors to waft into your nostrils so you can appreciate the bouquet and I'm thinkin', we're gonna drink this stuff, right? you know what I mean? and then He says, you wanna back it down and you wanna bring it up to your lips. Go, don't drink it. Don't even sip it. Just allow the cognac to drape across your palate. Now, by now, my eye is twitching. My teeth are itching and I'm just kind of rocking back and forth in anticipation, right? And now Brian, he's very sophisticated. He's erudite. You know, he gets a brandy snifter and he shows me, you know, and he does it It's beautiful, it's beautiful. And he says, okay, lamb, it is your turn. I love my turn, my turn. I love to turn, turn, and turn. And I get it, I twirl it around, how warm does it need to be really? So I'm going to bring it up and I'm gonna let it waft and bam, I shoot it just like tequila. It's gone. You know, he looked at me and I looked at him. I don't know who was more surprised. He says, man, what are you doing? That's like $200 a shot. And I just reverted to the alcohol cantham. I said, I'm sorry. and I have another beer you know what I mean so I start drinking beer and he's doing what he's doing with Cognac and he is a very gracious guy so after I've had three or four beers he says I want to have another drink after I'm on my fourth or fifth he says I want another drink pay attention he shows me the whole thing again I go to do the whole things BAM and I shoot it again and then he gives me that look that look where he realizes that I am constitutionally different than he is that I'm bodily and physically different. He hasn't read the book. He just knows. He knows. And he says, you know, I'm going to take off. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm not come back and then I'm going to finish my drink. I'm going to go back to the hotel. It's about one o'clock so it's four o' clock back in New York. I'm going to tell him the good news that I'm flying out later tonight. Now this is he's now an ex-client. I'm going to have some explain it. He goes to the bathroom. I'm drinking my beer and I look over his cognac and I drink that. And I go to the bathroom, I come back out, he's arguing with a bartender, you know, because somebody has stolen his cognac. And then I remind him that I'm a trial attorney. I start interrogating people in the bar like Denise and I mean, look at that face. You know she'd drink it. But he's not stupid. He's an ex-client. He is an ex client. And that's how I drink. And if you knew, that's my chapter three. I can't control and enjoy it. I just can't not do it. I don't know if it's the smell, the feel the color, the texture, the anticipation but when it's game on it's a game on and game off doesn't occur until I go down so now we're back and we're meeting every Monday night and we go through and we read the first four chapters that devoted almost entirely to the first two steps you know I've reviewed this I always knew I was powerless over alcohol I got that my life is unmanageable I affirmed that with Michael. I mean, I'm sitting here talking to him. If it was manageable, I wouldn't be talking to Him. He asked me if I believed that it's possible that a pal of Raven and myself could restore me to sanity. And I said, It's possible. I've seen some of you guys. You seem like, I don't think it's going to happen. But I accept that it is possible. He says, Okay, well are you willing to turn your will and your life over to the care and understanding of God? I'm like, Yeah, it's gonna be a problem. and the reason why it's going to be a problem is because there are old timers that are telling me, you know, find God find God, it's all about God find God or die and I'm thinking, not only do I not want to find God I'm hoping he doesn't find me I mean, I did some bad stuff and there could be some deep dark smoking hole with my name on it and I don't want any part of that and he took some time and he pointed out And Amy talked about it. It says God over 100 times in the big book. It also says higher power twice, universal mind three times, creative intelligence. All metaphors for this essence or being that we're hoping that we'll each individually get into contact with once we work the steps. If we don't already have it because of some religious background that we may or may not have or spiritual background that мы не имеем. And what he explained to me was, it's a word. And if I can abandon my old ideas and understand that the word God no more defines or limits this essence or being that we want you to get into contact with, then the word Topher defines or limites him. It may help you to find him, but you certainly don't know him. You certainly don' t understand him. And unless you're Heidi, you really haven't experienced him. So that helped me a lot. But I asked him, I said, how will I know if I've done a third step? He said, well, a good general indicator is that you start right in your fourth step because this is something you're going to do your whole life. I said okay, so I'm working on this fourth step. And I want to tell you there's a lot of guidelines and programs and things and we talked about this tonight, workbooks, but my sponsor had me do it out of the book. And he pointed me out to page 65. He said there's three columns there. And you'll notice in those three columns, they don't even have complete sentences. And I've heard all these people who are saying that they were writing their life story, they had two, three, three-ring binders, they'd been working on their four-step for, you know, like a year and a half. And he told me it should take a few weeks. And he said, He told me, look, I just want you to write down the resentment. I want youto write downthe people, the institution, the principle. For the cause, just write downthecause. Two words should be sufficient. You know, for the condition or how it affects you, you're talking about self-esteem, pocketbook security, ambition, personal relations, or sexual relations. You can abbreviate those. You don't have to write the full word. And on the fourth column, and there isn't a fourth column in the book, in 67 it says looking back at our list, turning back to our list. We look for mistake, fault, and blame. In relation to the cause and the condition, and he stopped me here because I don't know what they do out here in Colorado, But in California, you hear a lot about the fourth column as my part. That's where we're going to look at your part, my part, and because he knew some of my story. He said, Look, I want to tell you, Lamb, that's a perfectly good shorthand, but I don't want you to think about it that way. And the book never uses the words my part what it says is mistake, fault or blame. And the problem potentially with my part is if you're a person, for example, say you're woman that was raped. You're raped when you're 35 or 40 years old, 10 years later you come into Alcoholics Anonymous. The facts of your being raped were you went to the grocery store late at night, you had to park far away, by the time your groceries were done, the lights were dim, you went out to the car, somebody attacked you from behind, they pushed you to the ground, they beat you up, they raped you, they took your groceries. You reported it but they never found him. You don't even know what he looks like. You come into AlcoholicsAnonymous and your sponsor tells you, well we do a four step you know and we write down our resentments you want to stay sober so she says okay I'm gay I'm resentful at the rapist because he raped me what does it affect? everything self esteem, pocketbook ambitions security, personal relations sexual relations my life is shot through with it I had to sell the car I can't go to that grocery store anymore I'm afraid at night and I'm not afraid of men but other than that life's going good okay fourth column my part what they'll do is she'll focus on the cause what's my part in the rake well gee, should I not have been there at night you know, was I it doesn't say that it says mistake, fault or blame as to cause the second column or three condition and you're always going to have mistake, fault or blaming to cause your condition and I'm like okay, I didn't know what the hell he was talking about so I go write my inventory I do my resentment inventory I do myself sexual inventory I come meet with him. I got my papers. I sit down, and I'm going to read my inventory. And I'm gonna read to you the first person on my inventory goes like this. I'm resentful at two words, my father. The cause, two words deserted me. Now, Michael was prepared for a long talk. I explained to him. It's not written down, but I explained that my father deserted me when I was about four or five. He went to Vietnam. He didn't come back. He didn'y die there. He was in the Air Force. He went over there. He flew around with them for a while. He joined an outfit called Air America. He got tied up with the CIA. He met a Thai woman. They got married, I believe, before he divorced my mom. I didn't hear from him for 8, 10, 12 years. I'm not sure what, but he deserted me. I've got a stepmom. I've Got a half-sister who's out of my life for a long time. Okay. What is the condition? What does it affect me? Everything. Self-esteem. pocketbook security, ambition, personal relations, sexual relations. My life is shot through with it. What happened to me was I was four or five years old. I loved my father and in my mind I exposed myself and he abused that. So I can't love anybody. I have to have a wall of insulation between you and me and me. And I just can't trust anybody. That doesn't make for good marital relations, friendly relations, or work relations. Okay, mistake, fault, or blame. All right. The cause. I don't have any relating to the cause. How about the condition? I come into Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm 37 years old. By the time I write my inventory, I'm 38. What's going on? Am I selfish, self-centered, self-seeking? No. Dishonest? No. How about The Seven Deadly Sins? Pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth. You know, I write down, I write it down. I write that down in anger because I was angry for a long time. But really now, as I'm writing this, it's just kind of a dull, I hate the SOB type thing, but I want to humor my sponsors, so I write down angry. Residually. Fear. Yeah, there's a lot of fear. Again, I'm afraid of people. I'm scared of you taking advantage of me. And lastly, I am unwilling to accept, as it says on page 66 and 67, I m unwilling to accept that my father is a child of God who could be spiritually sick like me. I m unwilling to forgive him and one of the things that triggered this for me tonight is i look over at this mosaic and it says forgiveness and i had no concept of that when i came to alfonso so i read this and i'm ready to go on but i don't understand this is going to be an interactive process and my sponsor starts asking me questions he says okay let me get this straight you resent what your father right yeah and he deserves you right yeah yeah it's happening in your fourth Yeah, right. You've got it. Good, Michael. That's not bad for the first one. He says, okay, and you've got some residual anger, a lot of fear, and you're unwilling to accept that your father is spiritually sick. You're just not going to forgive him, right? That's right. And by the way, I've read ahead. I know there's a ninth step. And it ain't going to happen. And he said, well, you know, we talk about open-mindedness and willingness, but we'll work on that later. We're just on the fifth step right now. But he says, I got another question for you because I want to make sure I understand this. Now, if I understand your story correctly, the morning that you asked me to sponsor you, your plan that day was to take some passports. You were going to go up to Canada and then you were going to go to Costa Rica. And, you know, I don't think you said it this way, but you weren't taking your wife or your kids, right? I mean, weren't you essentially deserving them? Now, my first thought was, well, this is not going the way I thought it was going to be. This is not good. And then the second thing that happened is what's often referred to as ego deflation at depth. It's where basically you feel like your soul gets sucked out, you're exposed. And a lot of times we talk about a spiritual experience and Bill had his white light experience and people have had that. But another type of spiritual experience is this. Very powerful. It's not pleasant. You reap the benefits later, but it's still a spiritual experiment. And then I think I hung my head and I muttered something like, well, I mean, if you look at it that way. Now, if your new, this is one of the points of four and five. The reality is I can't look at that way, I need another man to hold a mirror of me up to me so I can see me for who I am. If I can seem me for Who I am, there's a slight chance I can feel you for who you are. If I could see me, for Who i am, and you for Who you are, maybe I can realize that we're all in the circle of life, maybe. and then my inventory went on. And I did six and seven, and I wrote out eight-step amends list, and I reviewed it with Michael, and he said, your father's not on there. And I said, you're right. He said, okay, let's take a look at the Lord's Prayer. What do you think it means when we say forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us? Oh, man. I'm not liking where this is going, you know. And basically we talked about it. We reviewed some outside literature. The book suggests that. And, you know, these are old spiritual masters. You know, basically I'm only forgiven to the extent that I forgive. We looked at the prayer of St. Francis. It's better to forgive than be forgiven. And I'm like, I understand in theory that that's right. You know? But I'm just, okay, so she says okay, what is it? She says pray for the willing. So I'm like, I'm praying because by now I've started making nine steps. I started paying back the money and being nice to my wife and my kids. I'm making, you know, living amends. And I'm telling him, you Know, but the thing with the wife, it's, you know, it is better, but there's still, I don't know. There's still some distance. And Michael says, Well, you don't make amends to your father. If you forgive your father, maybe that'll get better. And I said, Well in theory, I understand what you're saying, but I just wasn't willing to say, Okay, pray for the woman. You know, I've got this active 11-step process. I'm doing a 10-step every night. I'm reviewing this and I'm going through this process. Years go by. Years go on. I'm talking to Michael one night and I tell him I made the mistake. I told him I'm going to a deposition up in Anchorage. I told them earlier that my father lives outside of Anchorage in Wasilla. Michael says, great, God's answered our prayers. You're going to make an answer to your father. I didn't get that memo I don't understand how you're connecting those dots, Michael and he's like, no, no I mean, I've been praying you've been playing we've both been playing I'm like, I don' t think so he says, well, you know talk to God tomorrow and see what He says and I did I didn' t like the answer so I checked in again the next day and I got the same answer but I don''t know how to make amends and I'm talking to Michael and I said, well how you know what do I do? he said, I dont know I'm not going to Him I'm Not You're going to him I mean You can talk to people who have made amends. I haven't made amens to my father like this. I haven' t had this desertion issue. But if you get quiet and you show up, it'll be fine. Well, I want a specific answer. And he's not giving it to me. He says, well, call him and tell him you're coming. So I called him and told him I'm coming. And I'm praying and I'm asking for direct guidance and I' m not getting it. So finally the day comes. I get on the airplane. I fly up to Anchorage. I get off the airplane and I go to the airport terminal and I see my father. And the first thing I notice is he's a lot older than I thought he would be and smaller. And my father is kind of walking towards me but he stops every once in a while and he kind of moves as he, you can tell he's hesitating. He doesn't know what to do. I on the other hand because my feet have been trained in Alpha Alpha Synonymous am walking towards him with purpose. I have no idea what the purpose is going to be. and I am just I'm kind of scared but at the same time I have this calmness that you know I mean I prayed and meditated and what I heard is it's going to be okay Michael said it's gonna be okay and I get to him and I did the only thing I could I don't even think I thought about it I did something that I hated when I first got here I hugged him I hugbed him and he buried his head in my shoulder and he cried for about five minutes and there was forgiveness and no words were spoken. All I had to do was show up for the event and let God take over. And was everything great? No, but I don't have that pit in the bottom of my stomach. I mean, I don' t hate my father. You know, he's been down to see my kids. I've been up there. It's fine. You know if I think about it too much I still miss the baseball games that he didn't come to and all that stuff but that's just happened. I can't do anything about it. We have a relationship now and my kids have a relationship. And oddly enough, my relationship with my wife started to get better, started to get that. And one of the other men's I want to talk about is the amends that I made to my daughter, Ashley. My daughter, actually, was born with cerebral palsy and a severe seizure disorder. And 1 of the many things that I'm not proud of, but as part of my story is I resented her before I got sober and I resended her afterwards. And, you know, honestly, I don't even know why. I think it had to do something with, you know, I felt like I had to take care of her rather than I got to take care of er. I resented the fact that she wasn't normal, whatever that is. I mean, these are terrible things for a father to feel about a daughter. I had a lot of guilt. I had all shame. I did a lot work and I made amends and I got the point where my daughter's living in this 24-7 care facility because she has these massive seizures and if they don't get to her within In like 30 minutes, she'll die. And she's down in San Diego and we're going down every weekend and we put her in a wheelchair and we tie a little ribbon around the chair and I brush her hair and we go out and the wind blows the balloon and it blows her hair. And she laughs and giggles and a father's been restored to a daughter and a daughter to a father and that's Alcoholics Anonymous. and I thought, well, you know, that's great for me personally but one of the things that's really, really important to me in Alcoholics Anonymous is sponsorship and it's not just the value of being sponsored but the valueofsponsoring and my sponsor assured me that I would get more out of the relationship with the men that I sponsored than my relationship with him and I love him and he's taught me a ton but he's right he's right. And I've got to tell you, I sponsor a guy whose name is Stephen. Stephen has a son. His name is Evan. Evan has cerebral palsy with a seizure disorder. When Stephen came to me, he resented Evan in much the same manner that I resented Ashley. We worked these 12 steps, these spiritual exercises. He found a God of his own understanding. He made amends to his son. A father's been restored to her. A son and a son to a father. And that's alcoholics and animals. And everything's going great until Ashley has a massive seizure. We go down to see her. She's in the hospital. And the doctor says, this is it. What do you mean, this isn't it? Well, I don't think she's coming out of the hospital What are you talking about? I was down here last week. And he explains to me that, you know, she's 19 years old. This happened quite a while ago. It happened in 2005. But she's like 75 or 80 internally. and she's on all these anti-seizure medications and the kidneys and the liver, they can only process this for so long and she just shut them down. And I'm having this act of 11 step and I'm talking to God and the conversation is not going well because what I'm doing is I'm saying, you know, God, how could you do this to me? How could, you know... I know I was a bad father, but I'm a good father. How could you take her from me? And my sponsor, a guy named Scott R., suggested that I might look at this in a different way. And I did more work and I did even more inventory and I realized I was being selfish and self-centered and I held my daughter in my arms and she's, kids like this they can't talk but they can convey emotions with their eyes. It's kind of hard to explain it and I told her I loved her and she told me she was ready and what I realized was I'm her father in this world or the next my job here is to be with her while she takes her life from this room to the next and that she's okay she's fine and because Alphonse and I was able to do that and one of the things that I learned from that for me is I used to think that we're dead, we're gone, that's it. I don't believe that now. My daughter passed something on to me. How to love. How to be of service. I had no idea that service was the expression of love until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. No idea. I've had people that I love in AlcoholicsAnonymous, you know, Scott R., that pass away. There's a part of them that's passed on to us. He used to talk about it as the connective tissue. The religious talk about it as the golden thread, the silver cord. That which binds me to you and you to me and us to God. The spiritual DNA that we share. And I believe that because I've experienced it. But just to let you know, kind of more like what's going on lately. I do inventory all the time. I sponsor a number of people. I pray and meditate every morning. To give you an idea how my mind works though, One of the big resentments I had against my wife, and it was huge, was that when I got sober and I did all this work for us and did all these sacrifices for us, she did not appreciate all the hard work that I was doing. And she treated me badly. I mean, it was horrific. What she would do to me is she would take the trash and recycling and put it out on the scoop because apparently I'm the trash and recycling guy. And I would have to, you know, I'm not the kind and loving husband. You know, here I am. I'm sponsoring guys. I'm sober. I'm a man of God. But apparently she sees me as a trash recycling guy. So I'm writing an inventory about this because I have ten different shades of pissed off. You have to understand that this goes around in my head and I'm ready to head to the mountains. I don't confront her. I take the trash recycling to the bins. But in my mind, I'm like, you know, I'll just add on. And I won't talk to her for three weeks. You know? This silence form. She's relieved because I'm not bothering her. She doesn't even know the game we're playing, you know. And I'm thinking, I'm getting back at her. So, you Know, I am writing an inventory and I am talking to Michael. First thing he says to me is, You know, you might have a misimpression of this. Have you talked to her about it? Oh, no, I haven't talked to you. Because, you Now, I Am a mind reader too. You Know, And I Know what you are saying, Michael. But, You Know This Is My Wife. I Know What She Is Thinking. All Right. So, We Do This Process. And I Go Through. And I Have To Do This 10 Step Inventory. and I have to do this 11 step and I had to look at these character defects 6 and 7 and what comes to me is patience, tolerance, love and understanding and I prayed for that and I asked God to give that to me and it worked pretty quick it only took maybe 8 or 9 months 8 or9 months later I'm ok I go pick up the trash from recycling I twitch a little bit every once in a while but I'm OK it doesn't last for 3 weeks and I'm Ok with it because I am a man of God three and a half years ago we got a golden retriever Zoe beautiful dog lovely dog always loves to see me great but she craps that's what dogs do they eat the crap I go to a meeting at night she craaps my wife takes the crap puts it in a bag puts it with the trash and the recycling on the stoop so now I don't just have trash and recycling and a dog poop look at the dog a dog poo you know I mean I can take being the trash and recycling guy but really the poop I mean come on you know so now I'm writing more inventory I'm praying meditating patience tolerance, love and understanding. This only takes a few weeks and I'm okay about three years go by I'm ok no problem one day I leave through the front door instead of the side door. I don't get the trash recycling proof. I go to the office, I'm working at the office. I realize I forgot the trash recycling proof. My first thought was it's about time she took out the trash recycling proof and then I go no no no I'm a man of God, ok I gotta make amends, that's my job, no problem I go back, it's Monday night I'm getting ready to go to my meeting. I'm eating dinner with my wife, and I tell her, I say, you know, Lynn, I know I left out the front door, and I didn't go to the side door, and I didn' t get the trash recycling poop. I know that's my job. I'm sorry, I'll get that next time. She's like, what? I'm like, you know, the trash recycle and poop, it's my job. I've been doing it for like 12 years, and you know. And I forgot to get it this morning, and I went out the front door instead of the side door. She's like, what are you talking about? So now I'm out of my mind. I'm like, here, here we go. I've got to explain this to you. You're like, wait, slowly. But I'm not saying it. I'm pausing while agitated. But my head is like, you know. And so I say, baby, you know, the trash recycling and poop, it's my job. And she goes, that's not your job. I don't put that out there for you. You know we have raccoons and possums and skunks and I don'T like to go on the back there. I just put it out there. I'll get it in the morning. I figured the kids will get it. If you get it, that's fine. I'll put it out there for you. And I'm like, I'm not saying anything. But I'm thinking, are you kidding me? You know, this is like, this was a huge resentment. I mean, I like killed trees over this thing, you know? But I didn't say anything. So, okay, baby, love you. And I went to the meeting, you Know? And I tell my sponsor, and he's laughing, and he's cracking up. And he goes, yeah. That's why they call it a delusion land. Because he'd explained to me before that in Alcoholics Anonymous you'll hear a lot of times when the podium people talk about denial. It's not that we don't suffer from denial. We do. But when I deny something I know the truth I just don't like the truth I'm trying to convince you of the falsehood because I like the falsehead better. Delusion is much more insidious. Denial is not in the book it's a treatment and rehab term. We suffer from delusions. Delusionist, I didn't get the memo. The false, to me, is real. And that was real to me until someone can point it out to me and I can take action to change my mind. That's the psychic change, the perception change, the God consciousness we talk about in the book. Whether you find it on the street, in the alley, in church, wherever. And so, you know, I'm like, all right, Michael. And he says, but you know there's good news and bad news. alright I'll bite what's the bad news he laughs and says it never ends never ends you know I got chuckle heads you've got chuckLE heads we call them sponsees it just never ends we do this all the time I'm like well what's the good news he said well the good news is there's always something to do and more importantly there's somebody to do it with and I hope you find that somebody Matt thanks for having me Thank you.