Low Self-Esteem and the Wall of Insulation Between Him and the World – Steve L.

About This Speaker Tape

5th Tradition Group - 2013

A court-mandated DUI and a deep hatred for the 'lame' rituals of Southern California AA marked the start of Steve L.'s recovery. He describes the wreckage of a trial lawyer's life—preparing for court with tequila and beer and a delusional plan to flee the country using thirteen stolen military passports. Steve dismantles the myth of the 'easy' recovery detailing the grueling work of the Fourth Step and the ego-deflation required to face his own desertion of his family. He traces his path toward forgiveness from a silent tearful embrace with his estranged father in Alaska to the heartbreaking loss of his daughter Ashley who lived with cerebral palsy. He concludes with a gritty look at the 'delusion land' of the alcoholic mind using a long-running battle over taking out the trash and dog poop to illustrate how the internal condition persists even in long-term sobriety.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Steve L. welcomes newcomers and jokes about his driver's alcohol interlock device.
• 5:15 Laughter: Description of the 'poop brown' Alano club and the styrofoam cup birthday cake.
• 11:40 The 'perverted daisy chain' and Steve's initial hatred for the fellowship.
• 18:20 The 'honor bar' incident and the concept of 'anxious apartness' from the 12 and 12.
• 25:10 The 'go-bag' and the delusional plan to flee to British Columbia and Costa Rica.
• 32:45 Sponsorship: How Jim and Michael forced him into a program of rigorous study.
• 40:10 The 'alcohol cantham' and the cognac story at the Grand Avenue Bar.
• 52:15 Step 4: Detailed breakdown of the three columns and the danger of 'my part' vs 'mistake, fault, or blame'.
• 1:02:30 The reconciliation and hug with his father in Alaska.
• 1:12:00 Raw and Emotional: Discussing the resentment and eventual love for his daughter, Ashley.
• 1:22:15 The 'trash and dog poop' inventory and the difference between denial and delusion.
• 1:31:00 Closing thoughts on the 'good news' that there is always someone to do the work with.