Living a Life of Faith Rather Than Fear – Russell S.

Oh boy. Okay, hey, my name is Russell Spatz. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous and I haven't found necessary to have a drink since January 25th, 1981 and I'm grateful for that. It's around this time in almost every meeting I go to that I start thinking it would have been a good idea to prepare. Oh, listen, we're going to talk about something tonight. Maybe step two and maybe step three. It's going to be whatever you're ready to hear. You know, if you have 200 people, 300 people in the room, that's 300 different meetings, right? And it depends upon what's going on in you. And I was doing a meeting at the... I know some of you guys have heard of Take Chicken on the Roof, and it's a true story. I was during a meeting at the Homestead Group about 30 years ago and when I first started doing these things I was doing, I don't know, I think it was the third or fourth step I can't remember which one it was so I got up there and I did whatever I did and I just knew it was the worst fourth step meeting that had ever been done in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous just the worst and so I was saying to myself they just weren't getting my jokes they weren't showing me the love I needed you know if you're an alcoholic please love me a holic why aren't you laughing at my jokes a holick please accept me aholic you look at that bar scene will I be good enough, will they accept me will the group like me and then you take a couple of slugs of scotch and you feel like you own the freaking group. You've got to accept them. You're sober. You're out there and you want so much people. You'll do anything. You'll prostitute yourself. You'd say anything. You just want to know exactly how you have to act so that people will like you. I've spent more money I don't have buying more things I don'T need to impress people I DON'T like you can possibly imagine just maxing out because they don'T like me for me. You know, you've got to have all these accoutrements. And so anyway, I went to this room and I just didn't feel the love and it was terrible. It was a horrible experience. I knew it was the worst meeting. And so I was on step four and so I had determined, I walked out of the meeting, what did I say? Why did I save that? Why didn't they let me know? Worrying about all that stuff. I learned something that day. I learned some things. I learned about the 12th step. I learned something about the 12-step at that meeting. And so I said to myself, you know, self, I said, I'm not going back there. Because if you're an alcoholic, you're a, you don't want to go back there, you know? If something's uncomfortable, you're, you're in order, you're and excuse all it. I mean, any app off worth his salt can excuse himself out of anything. You know, call him up and say, you know my father died or, you know I had smallpox or, you know anthrax or whatever the heck I had to do to get it. I wasn't gonna go back. there. They didn't love me. It was embarrassing, you know, because I had just done the worst meeting in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. But, of course, the one good thing I had going for me, I didn't have a lot of good things going for me. The one good think I had gone for me is more than anything, I did not want to drink. Now, I cannot tell you how much a desire not to drink can help you in this deal. I mean if you are an AlcoholicsAnonymous You're going to be thrashed by abusive and unreasonable sponsors. You're gonna hear all sorts of crap that is absolutely preposterous and stupid. People are gonna embarrass you. They're gonna humiliate you. You're Gonna have your feelings hurt. You're Going to want to run out the door and say screw this stuff. I don't need this crap. You're Goinna want to excuse yourself for meetings. You're GOING TO want in the worst way to get the hell out of here because this is a bunch of bullshit. You're GONNA want to do a lot of things and I'll tell you something if you're an alcoholic you're going to do it. You're just going to leave. You are going to tunnel your way out of here. It's going to be like the great escape if you ever saw that movie. I know some of you are not old enough. The great escape. You may be in prison but you're digging that tunnel. You're diggingthat tunnel. You figure out how you are going to have balance in your life. How are you going to turn it into one meeting every three months or something like that. That's the way I used to drink. I used to walk in the bar at 4.30 in the afternoon I'd leave about a half an hour before work at around 4.30 in the afternoon, and I'd leave the bar at 4 o'clock or 4. 30 in the morning. Well, how many hours is that? Spending 12 hours in a bar was easy for me. Now, sometimes I'd spend 3 or 4 hours in a car, and then I'd get in my car and I drive drunk to the next bar. I do like the circuit, you know what I mean? But spending 12 hours drinking was easy from me. I didn't even think it was any problem. and I had a wife and a kid at home and she was under the crazy delusional thinking that I should like show up for dinner or something like that you know what I mean and I'd be there drinking at 4.30 with the guys before I knew it was like 7.30 and I pick up the phone, she's waiting dinner and I say I just stopped in the bar this is what I'd say, I'd been there already for 3 hours and I'd get on the phone and I would say I just got to the bar because three hours is like just getting there for me in geologic time it's very short you know what I mean, three hours I just Got to the Bar and I've got to talk to Steve to Doug about some business about a case that's coming up but I'm coming home, I'll be home in a half an hour or whatever I'd say to her to sort of calm her down and then around 9.30 I'd get on the phone again to call her up and I'd say there's no excuses at that point because you know, on the other end of the phone she's kind of frosty it's a kind of Frosty deal and so I'd identify, I'd take something like this, I'm out honey, listen, I am out the door which is alcohol code for it, you ain't never seen me again, you know what I mean and I was out the door, I was after the next bar I was going to Ronnie's or something like that and she'd see me at 4 o'clock in the morning and apparently I found out sometime in the midst of the divorce that she did not appreciate that deal, you know. So that's the deal. So in any event, but that's The Way I Drank. I drank like 12 hours at a time, you now. And, you come day A, you go to like one meeting for one hour and then somebody says, well, come back and say, well, wait a second, I want to get some balance in my life. I want a balance this thing out, you kno. Balance. It's the first time I ever worried about balance when I came to A. That means as few meetings as possible in order to stay sober. But what happened was, more than anything else, I wanted to stay sober. So when that happens, when your thinking starts, your alcoholic thinking, you know, the grouch and the brainstorms, those brainstorms. You get these brainstorms? I told my sponsor when I was like one week sober. I woke up one morning. I was one week silver. There was cash on the dresser. I said, where the flip did that come from? Cash on the dresser, you Know what I mean? Money, you You know, I was like getting, I had money left. You know that never happened when I was drinking it. And I was starting to feel good. You know all of a sudden I was started thinking again which is always dangerous. And so I had started figuring these things out and I remember telling my sponsor Bob I said that I didn't think I had to go to meetings on Thursday. I had figured it out because I was trying to, I said I don't think, I said Bob I don' t think I have to go meetings on Thursdays you know. And he said what do you think about that? And he says, well, sure, Russ, as long as you never drank on Thursdays. I said, well of course I drank every day just about it and then he said Russell, listen now listen I was a post-graduate Department of Lawyers and Mathematics a lawyer from law school I picked some bozo to sponsor me that didn't even graduate high school but he had me at a disadvantage because I was shaky and I came in here I had like two neurons working that they were like waving goodbye to each other, you know. I was like, you know, I'd be carrying on a conversation, which is always good for a toddler. I'd carry on a conversation and midway in the sentence, I forget what I was talking about. Sort of like what's happening tonight. But in any event, because you're trying to wonder, am I ever going to get back to Homestead again? Which is going to happen. But in anything, so, what was I talking about? In any event. So he said to me, he looks at me, my sponsor would say to me. My first sponsor. He'd say to me he'd say, you know Russ you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father and I'd look at him and I would sit there and I said what does that mean? I had been alive when I was 31 years old I had gone through college post graduate law school I had done a division chief in the state's attorney's office trying murder cases I swear to God at 31 years of age I had never had anybody say anything like that to me in my entire life I didn't know what he was talking about you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father so I'm thinking I have like no reference points it's not like I've heard this before and so what I did was I saw this is true, I saw a word picture at that time, and I don't even know where they have it now RCA Victor RCA had a what do you call it, a logo with a dog with like a passionate eye looking into like a you know, like a speaker and a cute little dog. So I started picturing that dog so I started picturing like a doggy family, you know like a doggy daddy and like a doggie mommy and like three little dogs, like a dog knows about his father and like after five minutes midway into this deal I started realizing a dog doesn't know his father you know? I thought he was complimenting me. So that's the way I was, that's kind of like the way I was brought up. So what happens is, you know, because my sponsor was constantly hurting my feelings and saying mean things to me and being obnoxious and stuff like that. But what happens isthat when you don't want to drink even though you want to have, you want say well screw this stuff, I'm going to get another sponsor I'm a kid, you now, if somehow you tie in what the here's what you realize, you realize but I'm not drinking but I'm not drinking and you start somehow deep down inside you sort of tie in the fact that you're not drinking to your sponsor or you're nicht drinking to your group or you are not drinking to something and the bottom line is is that you ain't going nowhere you ainít going nowhere I mean people will say well I drank because you told me this I said you didnít drink hey if I piss you off to the extent that you got a drink you can use that use whatever excuse you need if you want to go out and drink Iím perfectly itís perfectly fine with me You could say, you go out and drink and come back and say it's Russell's fault. That's fine with me. You might as well get it over now. If I'm the impetus to prune you off the tree and get you out there so you can do business, that's fine. But I know if you're serious about this thing, there's nothing I can say that's going to blow you out of here. There's nothing you're going to hear that's gonna blow you away. There's something that's not going to happen to you that's gunna blow you outta here because no matter how bad it is, you don't want to drink. And if you wanna drink, there's nothin' that's gon' be said in here that isn't gonna piss you off. And there's nothing that's going to happen to you that isn't going to be some excuse for saying, well, screw this, I'm leaving. And it's just all bullshit. It's just your appalled thinking trying to blame somebody else for the fact that you just don't want to grow up and accept responsibility and be a man or a woman. You know, just you want to remain a thumb-sucking crybaby feeling sorry for yourself. That's the bottom line. So, I digress. In any event, I don't know how to hurt anybody's feelings. You know what I mean? Somebody who was with you, John, you said you thought you heard the tape You thought I was a little bit too strong on the first step? Well, you know where I wind up on the 12th step. So if I start off strong, it's going to get real bad. It's going be a real, it can get real hot in here. So, so in any event, so, so the fact is, you know, he would say, my sponsor would say things like that and, and but, but, and I'd get mad at him, but I would stick, I would stay around. I would, because I knew he had something. So even though I left the meeting, you know, because my feelings were hurt or whatever the heck it was, you knows what I I mean, and saying, oh, I'm not going back there because I was scared or I was worried or I didn't think they liked me. I mean God forbid if you're an outlaw, it's the worst thing in the world. Oh my God, I don't think he liked me, you know. I said to myself, oh what will drive you crazy? You know, man, do you want to really drive me crazy? He'd say, you remember what so-and-so said about you? Oh my god, you now that's, you kno. Oh my gosh, the thought that people are thinking of mad things about me. And of course, of course they're always thinking about me because hell, I'll always think about me so they won't be thinking about me, and you know, I'm selfish, self-centered, you know. What is the whole point? The base of disease? Selfish driven by a hundred forms of fears, self-delusion, self-seeking, stuff like that. All we do is think about ourselves. We figure everybody else is thinking about ourselves, bad crap, you now, and why did they say that at the meeting? You know, what am I going to do? Why did I say that? What do they think? All that crap, you know? Just a horrible way of living. It's just rough being an alcoholic. It's rough out there, you kno? Always worried about what's going to happen tomorrow, the next day, the next thing, because it's something you did the last day or something like that, so it's next week, next year, All those fears and all that crap. And you don't even know you're in trouble because it's just the way you've been thinking all your life and you're out there thinking it seems the only normal way of thinking. You don't know how to think other than you think. You don'T even know YOU'RE IN FEAR. You're just thinking the way you always think and it's crappy. Bad thoughts about yourself and other people. But every once in a while you can have a drink and that'll make you sort of calm down and feel better. But what do you do when you stop drinking? That's when the real disease... That's the real DISEASE. That's THE REAL DISEase. The REAL Disease shows up when you start drinking and it feels like the way you feel like when you're not drinking. The real disease, if you're an alcohol, the real disease feels like sobriety. So, anybody over here? Well, you are right in the center of it. You're right in. So, when you walk out of here and it's 3 o'clock in the morning and the voices are coming and the committee is talking to you and the 15,000 voices about this, that, and the other thing, how are you going to pay the rent? How are you gonna do this? What's gonna happen? What's going to happen next year? Are you gonna live? Are you going die? All that sort of stuff. and say what's wrong with me and everything like that, you're in the battle. That's the deal. Men and women drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol. They're restless, irritable, discontented, listening to get experience, sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. Comes at once by taking few drinks That's why I drank. There's no woman, no suit of clothes, no amount of money worked just quite as well as just a few drunks so hey I defy you to drink alcohol time to do for you what it did for me and stop you ain't going to do it. It just worked better than anything else. So what happens even though I walked out of the door of that homestead group saying, well, I ain't going back there again because they didn't like me. God forbid somebody should have resentment against me. I call them up at 3 o'clock in the morning and say, did I do something to offend you? Well, I understand Ralph doesn't like you. I asked my sponsor Joe Snyder once, I said, do you still get resentments? He said, get them, I give them. I said no. I said I couldn't believe these guys. I mean, he was like talking my whole life. You know, of course, I'm a typical off-ball guy. I say, well, I don't give a crap what they say. I don' t give a crack. I don''t think you give a crap what they think about me. I don ''t give a crap what they said about me, but what you ultimately realize is anybody who says they don'''t give crap when people think about them, all they do is think all day about what other people think about them. They dress so people will think about it in a certain way. They buy their cars so people think about them their whole life is about vanity and making themselves look a certain way so other people will think about them a certain way, and all they do is think about what other people think about them. Because people that really don't think about what other People think about them don't say or even think. I don't care what they think about me. They say things like pass the ketchup, but they don't say that shit. You know what I mean? They say other stuff, you know? But that's part of our alcohol bullshit to make believe. You don't know if you tell yourself enough times, you don't Care What Other People Think About You. You start thinking you Really Don't Think what other people think about you, and then you start worrying about popping Xanax because you worry why you feel so crappy. Worrying about what other People Think About You. And how could it be that? Because you don't care about what other Peoples Think About You, and you just live a lie. And the first step in getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail on the first day. In the first instance, you don'T even know what the jail looks like. You think it's alcohol and drugs, and it ain't alcohol and drugs. That's just the symptom. After you take away the alcohols and drugs, you're still in jail. You're still locked up. So even though I left that homestead group saying I ain't going to go back again, I knew I was going back because somehow hanging out with my sponsor, I knew once you make a commitment, you fulfill the commitment. He would say stuff to me and not explain it. He would says do this or you do that. There'd never be like a conversation like why should I? He said just what you do. He gave me a 24-hour book. He said every morning read this book, get on your knees and ask God to help you stay sober. I don't remember him asking me whether I believed in God or not. Not only did he ask me, I don't remember saying why should I do that. He just gave me the book and told me to do it. He said call me up before you take the drink. He says don't call me after you take your drink. Call me up before you drink. We didn't have a long conversation as to why I should do it, it was just this is what you do. He gave me instructions on how I was supposed to live and what I was supposed to do and I just did it. And I guess I did it, but why would I do that? Well it says in the big book it says I told him I would do it because no self-respecting alcoholic would do any of this stuff if you didn't think you had to do to stop drinking and live. because I didn't want to die and I didn'y want to drink so I did the stuff without question you know, I mean listen when you have to start explaining the explanation to an alcoholic stop it, it's no use because they want to drink anyway some guy comes up to you I'm kind of stupid, I was assuming a guy comes over and says will you sponsor me because he wants what I have and so if I tell him something is going to do it he starts saying well why should I do it I say well why did you ask me to sponsor you I'm not here debating I don't want anything you know some guy called me up once he said you know you sponsor me and you never call me I said why would I do that why would I be calling you I don' t want anything you have you know but I think I heard his feelings so so I knew even though I left the homestead group I knew I was going back because somehow I had tied in I think it has something to do with integrity I think this disease has something to do with lack of integrity invent a pill to fix this disease unless they have like an integrity pill you know but and once you take the integrity pill there goes your integrity so in any case whatever so so I knew if I had integrity and I told them I'd come back I had to come back and somehow I tied to my integrity my commitment to drinking and I didn't want to drink so I was going to come back even though it was going to hurt or sorry so I came back the next week to do the fifth step I came back to the group that I had just done the worst meeting in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now think about it. Now you're sober and you're asked to do a meeting. I want you to try to put yourself in my place if you can possibly do that. You do a meet-and-greet and you know it's the worst meet-in in the History of Alcoholic Anonymous You know they're all thinking about you You know you're humiliated because you know you did the worst meeting in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. As a matter of fact, they've been telling their friends, you've got to see this guy, he does the worst meeting in history of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know what I mean? And now, you're going back to that group. You understand what I'm saying? So, you said, now you're gone back to the group. And I get to the group and I sit at the mic, you know what i mean, or wherever it is they had there. Before the meeting starts, this guy comes up and he says, can I talk to you? And I said, yeah, sure. He says, well, my name's Joe. And he says, I only have a month or so. And he said, I just want to tell you, you saved my life last week. I said、Excuse me? He says、You saved my wife last week? I said、「I saved your life?" He said、Yeah. He says、「I was going to go out and drink. I only had about a month. And my wife has left me. My kids have left me under indictment for first-degree mopery. And I lost my job. Whatever the heck it was. and he says, and I was going to go out and drink he says but you know I just decided to go to this one meeting and you know maybe I'll go to This One Meeting with this guy and I sat in the back of the room and I Was sort of listening to what he had to say and he said when you said the chicken was on the roof it like all came together for me I saw the whole picture I understood everything everything meshed together and I understood what my sponsor said and I understand why my wife left me and everything got beautiful and you saved me. And while he's talking, the chicken on the roof, I said, well, I sort of knew what he was talking about because I had been talking a little poultry there, you know what I mean? I knew the deal he was... But I didn't see the chicken was on the room. I said... He got it all wrong. I said like the turkey's in the oven or something like that. He was saying chicken on... He was talking back something I never said. You know what i mean? Now listen, I took credit for it. You know, I said, oh, yeah. Checking on the roof, my favorite line, you know. Say it all the time. Checking out the roof. It's what I'm known for, you know. And, but here's the deal, you see. This is the incredible thing. See, I walk out of here thinking, first of all, you see, I thought what the 12 steps said was we carry the message. That's what I thought, that's all so sad. And so when you think your job is to carry the message, then you have to worry about whether you're carrying the message. You've got to worry about what other people are thinking about you. You have to worried about what the other people are thinking, how they're receiving this, whether they're going to drink or not. If they drink, that because it's your fault. You know what I mean? If they didn't drink, like you get the credit. It's all about you carrying it. You have a heavy responsibility. You've gotta carry the massage. and here's this guy and he stayed sober thinking that the worst meeting in the world that I thought was the worst meeting inthe world, was the greatest meeting for him, and he'd stay sober based upon something he heard me say that I didn't even say and I realized that the way AA works is that I don't have to carry the message all I gotta do is try to carry the message which means I show up and I try to do the best job I can do on the night I'm doing it. So, it was probably the worst four-step meeting in the history of Outbox in Oxford was the best meeting I could do that night. And what happened is, turkey on the basement floated across the room and hit this guy who was sitting in the back of the room who was missing a piece from his heart. He was missing a piece. I didn't know anything about him. I didn' t know what the piece was. and what happened was, you see but God, you say, he knew what that guy needed to hear so turkey on the basement floats across the room goes into this guy's ear, turkey on the basement, and he hears chicken on the roof and I get the credit I getthe credit for that deal and you know, so everybody in that meeting is hearing what they're supposed to hear and it has nothing to do with what my message is or whether I'm... It has to do with me showing up and trying to do the best job. And when you look at it, if you look a Bill Wilson's story, remember his story? He was... Ebby Thatcher came to see him. He had a bottle of scotch or a bottle whiskey. He said, You want something to drink? And he said... And Ebby said, No, thank you. I got religion. He says, Hey, it's okay. More for me. And he keeps on drinking. The more Ebby's talking, the more Wilson is drinking. Wilson is getting drunk while Ebby's trying to tell him about God, about religion, about that deal. You understand what I'm saying? And then Bill Wilson, and he leaves, Ebby leaves. And imagine this, when Ebby left, Bill Wilson. Bill Wilson was half lit up. He was half drunk. I don't know about you, but Ebby Thatcher probably thought, well man, that was the worst 12-step call I've ever made. That thing didn't work. And as a result of that 12-stop call, Bill Wilson got sober and wrote this book with the help of other people and as a result of that 12 step call you guys are all sober tonight as a resultado of the worst 12 step that was ever done by anybody because he was trying to carry the message you guys were all sober it's pretty amazing isn't it so you know you get up here and you know with the health of the Holy Spirit you try to do the best job you can what the hell does it matter what I say half of you aren't hearing it anyway there's all sorts of music and spheres going on inside that deal and so this is such an incredible program the way this thing works I want to talk about since this is presumably around the second step I'm going to talk a little bit about the first few months some things that happened to me you know, it says in the big book if you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length then you're ready to take certain steps right? this is a step series, right? Okay, so when are you ready to take the steps? No. No. Now listen, let me try and explain this. If you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. So, now here's the deal. There is a step before the steps. Listen, there's a step. There's a prerequisite. Anybody ever go to college? You know, before you take calculus you've got to take algebraic geometry before you take that. You've got to take trigonometry. There's like, they have things called prerequisites. You know what I mean? You try to push this through, it's all nice, but unless you've got that prerequisite going, there's a prerequisite to taking the steps which has to do with, you ready for this? Attitude. Attitude is important in here. And the attitude they're talking about, you ready für this, is something called desire. Now listen, you can force somebody to take the steps, you can tell them they're going to go to jail until they take the step, you can say they're not going to have treatment until they do their fourth step you can threaten them with all sorts of things and you can have them mechanically do this stuff and maybe it will work but it won't work but there's no way you can get people I don't know how to do the attitude thing I don' t know how to do desire thing I don''t know how to make somebody all of a sudden repent and want to turn around and say I'm sick and tired of being sick and tied I'm sickness tired of beeing a child I'm sic and tired being a thumb sucking cry baby I want to grow up I want to be a man I want to be this I don't know how to get somebody to the point where they say I want to be like that guy I want to be like that gal I want to be like that I don don't know how to get somebody to do that I know in any room there will be one guy saying man I want what that guy has I don don't know what he has but I want to be like that guy and there will be three guys at the parking lot smoking and saying, what an asshole that guy is. And I don't know about that magic or how to make that happen. That has nothing to do with me or anything. That has to do mit whatever's going on inside of you. But I know this. The big book says if you want what we have and are willing to go to England to get it, and I know when you read the stories of the people, the people that make it, the guys that make it are the guys who want this thing so bad, they desire it so bad. They do whatever they have to do to get it. They don't call up their sponsor and say, you know, you never call me, they don't worry about that. Why should they worry about it? Because they're always calling their sponsor. You know, they're not calling up their sponsor and saying, you know, we never get together. It's hard for me to get together because they're always wherever he is because they know where he is and that's when they show up. I mean, the difference between desire and just bullshitting yourself and really doing it. And the step before the steps is if you want what we have. So the first thing you need to have is a we. Because how can you want we have if you don't have a we? If you don' t have a person or a group people where you are following them around. Like I was following around my sponsor and he introduced me to other people and I didn't even know what they had. I didn' t know what they had but I knew what I had and whatever I had and I don' t even know What I had but it was a bad deal. You understand what I'm saying? And they had a good deal. They may have been crazier as a loon, but whatever they had was a lot better than I had. And I wanted their deal. I wanted to be like them. I want to be that folk. I want to be immediately I want to be like them. I used to hear some guy with 20, 30 years. I want to have 20, 30 years like in a week. You know, I want it immediately. So what that has me do is it has me submit myself to authority. Man, if there's anything I call St. Morris to submit themselves to somebody's authority. I'm my own man. I'm the captain of my ship. Nobody tells me. Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Nobody tells you what to do. Who the hell do YOU think you ARE? You know I do what I want. Screw you. You don't know who, hey, you don't know who you're dealing with. You have any idea who you deal with? You don't Know Who You're Screwing With. That's alcohol? You know what that is? You hear that happening? You thinking that stuff? You know What That Is? That's the disease. He said, you know, I used to say to my sponsors, well, that's just my personality. He says, hey your personality is killing you. But I love my personality because I'm a man and I'm stronger than horse shit. And you just can't give up because you feel so crappy about yourself and you think you're such a loser that you've got to make believe with this make believe dialogue in your own brain and to other people to make them think you're a big shot or you're grandiose or you'RE something, but you know deep down inside you are nothing. You're always going to be a nothing.You've always been a nothing and that was my problem. I was a nothing I was always going be a nothing It didn't matter how many degrees I had It didn�t matter where I worked It didn' t matter what my car was And I had to surround myself with all that stuff I had the lawyer, I had have the car I had good looking guy, I have all that stuff, because with all that stuff I was a nothing. I was always going to be a nothing I used to put something in my stomach and turn me into an almost when you're a nothing almost is top of the world and that's my deal and that is why I am an alcoholic, that is the kind of alcoholism I suffered from I mean everything is ok so I got to stop drinking drinking is the only thing that will work for me now what am I going to do? I am a nothing I am apiece of crap I don't care what I tell you, that's the deal that is alcoholism so I run into some guy in Alcox and Amazon I'm looking at this guy and I want what he has somebody says I should ask him to be my sponsor you know and I'm scared to ask him to be your sponsor I'm not scared I said how do you ask somebody to be a sponsor you should go up and ask them you know what I mean 31 years old I'm afraid to ask another man you know to be MySponsor will you be My Sponsor what if he says no you know well I don't give a shit what other people think about me what bullshit my whole life is does anybody have a question well I have a questions but if I ask a question making people think it's stupid. Anybody have the answer? Well, I have the answer, but what if I'm wrong, you know what I mean? It's all about that idea of being scared to do anything. Scared to leave a relationship because if I leave a relationship, I'll be alone and I'll never have another guy or another gal. You're always scared to leave your job. It's a crappy job because you've got to apply for another job. It's not about being stuck in a situation being crappy and horrible situations because you can't move, you can' t change the things, you don' t have the courage to change of things because you're so scared inside and you think you're such a piece of crap. How do you fix that stuff? I mean, the drinking, you can stop the drinking how do you stop the thinking? How do YOU stop the fear? How do You stop the paralysis of fear? How do YOu stop the worry and the anxiety and all that stuff? How do YoU stop that deal? So, I wanted what these guys had. I go to a meeting Oh man, it was so unbelievable. These guys were unbelievable. You know, things that are going on in my life now that I don't even Well, I appreciate it all. I appreciate my life now. I've got six kids. I've had four kids, six grandkids, a wife of 32 years, you know, sponsor. I'm privileged to sponsor. I've Got a bunch of sponsees in here. Got some grand sponsee's. Got some great grand sponcee's I even met one great great grand sponsor. You know, they're all, you know unbelievable. How do you get that deal from half the self that was drunk? How do we get that deal happening? And so my sponsor says to me And I'll tell you, if you're an alcoholic, let me tell you something. This is a serious disease. You are... Let me be this way. I'll give you a little hint. If you're not an alcoholic you're crazy. You understand what I'm saying? You're crazy If you don't have an alcohol here's the problem. You're Crazy Don't get upset about it. Don't panic. You know? That's the Problem. You're Crazy Now, you should actually get a certain sense of feeling pretty good about that. Because when you leave and you're driving home and the stuff happens. You know what I'm talking about? Those thoughts, the craziness, eating the dead babies, all that crap. You know whatever the hell is going on in your mind that you know if anybody ever hears this they're locking you up because you are one freaking nutcase. You know What I mean? Who thinks this stuff? Be assured that every other person in the room is thinking the same crap and they're all nuts and the only reason it's happening is because you're crazy. You understand what I am saying? And you don't have any good thoughts. You have no good thoughts All your thoughts are shitty thoughts It's about yourself and other people. Now, I happen to be a Christian guy. You don't have to become Christian, so I believe in Satan and all that sort of stuff and you can turn me off now if you want. So, I happened to believe that we have an enemy out there. We have a spiritual enemy out here and I blame it on him, which is okay with me because it helps me because I can fight his ass. You know what I mean? You know What I Mean? But the bottom line is whether you want to blame it on him or you want to just understand that you are crazy and this shit is going to happen to you forever unless you get some sort of tools in your life to battle that crap and replace those thoughts with good thoughts and decent thoughts you're going to be battling with this disease on a different level that has nothing to do with booze for the rest of your life. Unless you can escape, get that escape velocity out of the planet Earth, the gravitational pull of this disease will pull you back in and you'll eventually drink, drug, get involved with porn, get crazy relationships, something will happen just to assuage you because you may not be drinking but you'll feel like a piece of crap no matter what the hell you say. And you just won't be able to get away from it thinking. Because it's crazy the way we think, the way мы act, the ways we are. And I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about grown-ups. 50 year olds that act like 2 year olds. Grown-ups that don't get it. My sponsor says, I want you to join a home group. I don't even know what I told you guys, but I want you to rejoin a home groups. So I went over and he says, check out a home. I said, well, what group do you belong to? He says, no, you wouldn't like that group. He's trying to keep me from this. I eventually joined this group. I went to the South Ape room. I sit in the back of the room. I sit in the back I sit all the way to the back of the room you know I'm sitting all the way in the background and I see these guys you know how we are they're all high-fiving themselves they're high-fighting themselves they're on tables they're little cliques so I sat in the back of a room waiting for them to recognize how wonderful I was and that the emperor of A had walked in the room and elected me president and the mic was going around or whatever and everybody was talking and saying bullshit and I was the new guy in the room I was like this guy over here And nobody's asking me, you know. If they only knew who was here, you know what I mean? I would explain to them what's really going on and it's like they didn't get love at all. They don't even, it's like they don't care. Nobody came up to me. Nobody shook my hand. Nobody asked me what my opinion was. You know, and there was me and there were them and they were having such a good time and they were laughing and I was alone and everything like that and they went around the room and they met and ended and I didn't even have a chance to speak, you now. It's like they didn�t even care and I got up and I walked out and I had about two months or something like that, and I went up to my sponsor and he said how did you like the South Avon room? And I said it was crap. I said, it's a crappy group! That's a terrible group! He says it's just a bunch of cliques. They don't give a crap about anybody. You know, I was a new guy, nobody came up to me, it was crappy and everything like that. It's just a bunch o' cliques." So my sponsor says now this is why sponsors are so stupid. I'm explaining to him the facts, the logical facts. I mean, I'm not lying. I just told you exactly what happened. Do you understand? I just told you exactly what happened. They didn't talk to me, they didn't go up to me they didn' t ask my opinion, I didn' d get the mic, I walked out of the room, nobody stopped me, they didn''t ask me nothing crappy, I think we can all agree, crappy shitty group. In violation of every precept about Paul Sinanis, the newcomer is the most important guy in the room. That's why they all clap for you certainly not because you're good looking or anything you know, I mean that's the No, you're wonderful. But in any event, the bottom line is this. And they didn't do this, so here's the deal. So my sponsor says, you know, because I like people to say, you're right, they're all assholes. That's what I like. I like things that agree with me. And he says, well, I'll tell you what I want you to do. I want você show up to that group again and join one of the cliques. I mean, would an alcoholic, would an alcoholic, if you were in a bar drinking and talking about the assholes that you went to in that room, would your drinking buddy say that to you? Or would he join in the melody? You're right. That group's a stupid group. That's an idiot group. I don't know about you, but my alcoholic thinking, which seems the only normal one, is about to blame, is about to say, yeah, you're right, you know, there's nothing too good, it's too good to be true. For an alcoholic it's always too good to be truth. You understand? It's too bad to be truthful. It's good, if it's bad must be true that's the way I think that's just the way it's too good to be true people are too good to be real you don't understand that's who I am and here's this guy where do you get stuff like this I'm telling him what a crappy group it is he should have told me to join another troop go to another group he says I want you to go back to the group and I want to join one of the cliques so why would I first of all the guy is obviously stupid so let me ask you this I think it's time to get another sponsor I don't know about you somebody who appreciates me or understands but I didn't want to drink and I thought my drinking, not drinking had something to do with this sponsor so you know what I did? I went back to the group and I walked up to one of the tables and I said hi my name is Russell I'm brand new they said hey buddy how are you doing they said sit on down so I sat down and they started talking to me and I started talking with them they said would you like to do the meeting I said can I? they said sure so I did the meeting and everything like that and they said I was finishing the meeting and they came up and you know what they said? They said hey keep coming back you know and I walked out and I saw my sponsor he says so how was the meeting he says man that's the greatest group they must have had like all new people you know what I'm talking about it's like this group is like incredible you know same group same people same deal you know what I mean now I would have not figured that out on a bet to figure out that it's not their responsibility, it's my responsibility. That it has to do with my thinking. It has to with my perception. It has the do with me. It doesn't have to do with... How would a self-respecting alcohol, with the disease we have, the crazy disease we have, with all the rationalizations, how we rationalize, we tell ourselves rational lies that we believe don't seem so true about reality, how would I ever figure out that the solution to that was to go back and put out my hands and say, my name's Russell. Do you think I would ever figure that out? Never! I'd be drunk and for the rest of my life, you know what I'd say? I'd sit in some bar somewhere drunk and dying saying, I did day A, it doesn't work. That's what would be going on. And so my sponsor said to me, he said, we're going to do it one, you know one day at a time is? When you do one day, you know, you hear that thing one day all the time, the surrendering prayer? You know, and I never figured this out before. You guys do that one day at a time thing, right? What is that one day at the time thing? Living one day a time, living in the moment. You know what that is? That's a spiritual exercise to help you believe in God. You didn't know that. That's a spiritual exercised. Every time you try to live one day of the time, they're saying I want to believe in god. You didn'T know that so let me rip the covers off of that lie so you can stop doing it, okay? The reason we can't live one day at a time. The reason why you're crazy and you're scared and you'RE fearful and I was fearful, and if I was fearful... One of the lies, one of the old ideas we have is that we're different. That's an old idea. We have old ideas that we have to get rid of, but the result is that one of the old idea we have, is nobody will understand. Nobody can ever understand me. Because I'm unique, I'm different. And we actually think that all our thoughts are unique, all our sins are unique. Everything we've done is unique. Nobody can possibly understand us because we're so different, we're so unique when the truth is we're all like twins. You know what I mean? That's why we go to meetings and we love hearing stuff like this because you sit there and say, like, guys come up and he says, you were talking about me. I know you were looking at me, weren't you? Because we're all exactly the same. We're not anything but unique. If you had a thought, chances are I had that thought. If you had problems, chances aren't I had that problem. You know, we may look a little different but we're the same deal. And you know, I'm sitting there and I'm worried and you know what I worry about? 90% of The stuff I worry about is none of my business. Absolutely none of me business has nothing to do with me. I get guys that come up to me with problems, incredible problems that's crowding their brain that's driving them crazy about their sister, their cousin, their brother, the this, the that, the world situation, the president, what's going on with Obama, whatever. Terrible problems. And I say, let me ask you something. He says, what? What? They want the answer. And I said, what does this have to do with you? And they said, why? I said what does it have to deal with you. well there's problems in the world and I said what does this have to do with you well you see what I want to know about it but what does it have to deal with you just tell me what it has to do with you and then we'll talk about it and they think about it well it doesn't have anything to do with me, I said okay forget that problem and then I say well now how do you feel he says well I feel okay so 9% of the shit that you guys worry about it's none of your business the 10% that left over 95% of that there ain't nothing you can do about it 9 out of 10 things ain't going to happen that you worry about and the one thing that's going to happen is going to happen totally different than you think it's going to happen so I know you're saying well that must mean like 99% of stuff I think about is total horseshit pretty much about disease but you know we're defiant that's a true characteristic we don't you know alcohol is extreme devil some people run right but they usually they really don't want to think so you know and we've got to get rid of this selfishness and this crazy thinking and God makes that possible but we don'T want to latch on to God because if we start talking about God people laugh at us because cool people don't believe in God and that shouldn't bother us because we donT really give a crap what other people think about us but the truth of the matter is nobody talks about God or Jesus or anything or scripture in the 80s because what they do is they say people will talk about me after I leave the room because it's not that they're not curious, it's just that they worry about what other people think about them even though I know they don't worry about what other People Think About Them because they don' t give a shit what other PEOPLE THINK ABOUT THEM, okay? So the bottom line is so it's like the terrible secret of Outlaw Synonymous. The whole book has to do with God but nobody wants to talk about God because we worry about what other Peoples Think About Us and we talk about G-d even though we don't give a sh-t what other people think about us. You understand what I'm saying? Okay, so you got it. So here's the deal. So what happens is we do this one day at a time thing because 90% of the stuff you worry about if you sit down with anybody who's new, and you say what are you worried about? You know what they're going to tell you about it? They're goingto tell you something that's going to happen. You understand? They're gonna tell you about something that is going to happened. That something that they know is going to happen or something that happened before. They're not going to talk about anything that's going on like right now because like you know I used to say to my sponsor, I'd say you know you know I can't you know this is blah blah blah and I tell him I've done all this bullshit on him and he'd say well let me see since he says well okay okay, I got you. He says, oh, how are you doing right now? I said, what do you mean? He'd say, well, how you doing right now. I said what do mean right now he says, well how you're doing right in the back on track group, in the Cush group I go, right now, sitting here right now I said what do I mean, how am I doing right now? He said, sit right now you mean right sitting here talking to you yeah, right sitting talking to me you mean, right now sitting here in this room talking to you, how I'm doing right? He says yeah, I'm right here right now. Talk to me. How are you doing? I'd say, well, right now I'm doing okay. He said, there you go. And he'd walk away. One time I told him about a guy who bounced a check on me. He says, see, he bounced a trick on me and I can't believe it. This is going to happen. He says well let me ask someone else. He says how do you feel if it didn't bother you? I said what do you mean? He said because have you ever had anything happen to you that didn't bothered you? No, of course not. Everything bothers You know, he said, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? I'd say, what do you mean? He says, well if it doesn't bother me, how do you feel? What do you means? If it didn' bother me then God announced the check on me. Yeah, if it don't bother, how will you feel. If it doesn' bother you, how are you feeling? Well, hell, if they didn't bothered me, I'd feel fine. He'd say there you go and walk away. So here's the deal. So here is the deal, the reason why one day at a time works. is because we spend 90% of our time worried about what's going to happen to us. Because we're scared. Because we know because you see, when there is no God and you can't trust anybody and you're all alone and nobody will ever help you and you are nothing you've got to be there's a lot of moving parts out there. There's shit going on. There's bosses and there's money and there stuff. You've got to spend a lot of time thinking like NORAD. You've got to have your defenses. You got to know the chess moves down the road. He says this, and then I'll say that. What if I get a call from that guy? What if this guy calls? What happens if mail comes in? What happens with the IRS? I got that note from this guy. You've gotta million things that you've gotta figure out. You gotta stuff. You're gonna figure out 18 moves down the row and then some. Because if you don't, you're gonna die. No probation for us. You know what I mean? All roads lead to death. An agonizing death or humiliation. So you're up all night, 3 o'clock in the morning Worrying about stuff that you can't even And you may even say to yourself This is killing me, I've got to stop thinking I've Got to Stop Thinking About This You ever say that? I've GOT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS And then 5 seconds later, what do you do? You start thinking about it again, right? You know, you start doing that budget again And everything like that You can't, you can'T You can'T stop You know Because you're powerless over your thinking Because you'RE ADDICTED to that thought You'RE ADDICTED to the thinking And so what happens is so you get this thing the serenity prayer all these things to live one day at a time live in the now you know like Bud Dunbar was once out on a pier, an old timey he was out on a pier with one of his sponsees in Key West after meeting him the sun was going down and the sponsee says does it ever get perfect and wonderful and just perfect but there's no problems and Bud turned to him and said what about right now what about right now it was perfect but it's always perfect in the now so here's what happens when you focus on the now and what's going on right now and you decide, you make the decision you somehow decide you're going to focus onthe now and right now and not focus on next week next year, last year you know what you're saying to yourself you're seeing I've made a decision you don't even realize you've made a decision and God said, I've made a decision that I'm not going to worry about that stuff because it's going to be taken care of. See, I don't have to worry about that stuff because it is going to be taken cared of. I don' t have to worry about that stuff because it's going to be taken care of. I can forget about that deal. I'll deal with it sometime because you know why? Somehow, some way, there's some sort of force because my sponsor said whatever it is, it will be taken care of. And you You don't even know what him is. All you're knowing is somehow in your mind you're already doing that spiritual exercise where you're learning how to forget what's going to happen in the future, forget about the past and turn over to a power greater than yourself without even knowing you turned into it and start focusing on the now. And of course when you don't Even realize that you're starting to live a life of faith rather than a life or fear. And what happens is you're not used to it. You don'T know what you're doing. All you know is that when you live in the now, and you go to a meeting, you talk about turning it over, and all these little silly words we use, all you know is you feel better. You're able to live your life. It's almost better than drinking. But here's the problem. The problem is when you knew what that deal, and you're really immature in the game, the problem is it's very, very tough because you've got that, remember, you're crazy. You remember that crazy part? Because part of the craziness is your mind doesn't want to do that because your mind is so used to, you know, next year, next year. Focus on a million things that's going on, it's taking you out towards Venus. You're going there whether you like it or not. It's not like you have control over it. It's Not like you're saying I'm not going to think that way. You're thinking that way because it's taking you there. And that's why sponsors and rooms and books are so... That's why all these tools are so important. That's Why you need a guy like Bob Sullivan to say well how would you feel if it didn't bother you? How are you doing right now? That'sWhy you constantly need this reinforcement from outside yourself. You understand what I'm saying? In order to drag you back again. Until you get more and more used to that life, more and all this is designed to basically help you live a life of faith. Now why is this God thing important? I don't want to get too far into the third second. What has happened to me? What has happen to me is you can play around with this thing if you make it, you'll get some relief but the bottom line is what happens is as time goes by, as the trials go by the more and more you turn your deal over to him and you start developing a power greater than yourself you start building a faith in God and you actually believe in it and your faith grows stronger and stronger through trials and tribulations where the doctor says this is what he says Russell, you've got prostate cancer and you say ok, no problem thank you doctor and then you leave and you don't worry about it because you know it's going to be taken care of Because you're 20 years down the road. You're 20 hours sober. You have a faith in God. You know it's going to be taken care of one way or the other. Whatever it's gonna be, it's gotta be for the good. You understand what I'm saying? It's not even a bump. Okay, just tell me what to do and I'll do it and I got to go to a meeting. I got a sponsor or something. And it's like a nothing. So you can deal with some guy who's crying and whining because he's got a flat tire. Do you understand what i'm saying ? because his life is coming apart, because it's just a flat tire. I can't take it anymore! You know? And why? You know why? Because it means absolutely nothing, because your God is stronger. He's stronger in charge of anything that's going to happen out there, and there's nothing that can hurt you. And you believe that, and you know that. And here's the bottom. It's not about God or no God. It's about whether you want to live a life of faith or you want to live a life for fear. And you listen. This ain't a dress rehearsal. You can live any life. You can go on until you're 80 years old, be scared shitless your entire life, and when you're scared shitless you act scared shiteless you hurt people you say crappy things you hurt yourself you live a dismal life and then at the end maybe you say man why did I do this but I guess I should I wish I had tried it that Russell way and then you know whatever it is and then it's too late or you have an opportunity to live a life of faith you know and have an extraordinary not an ordinary life but an extraordinary life yes and live a lot no matter what happens regardless of what you think is happening you know to be like the Apostle Paul who said, he says I've learned the secret I've learnt how to be content in all things. Rich, poor, it doesn't really matter It doesn't matter whether I have a car whether I don't have a job I'm not saying anybody lives this thing perfectly but there's a big difference between somebody living a life of fear and somebody living a life of faith. And when you live a life of faith and all of a sudden you experience a life without fear of anything, you just experience that life without fear, drinking is not even an option, it's not even a deal because it just doesn't even come into the picture it doesn't come in the picture you wake up feeling good, you go to sleep feeling good during the day you're feeling good because you're concentrating on good things because there's nothing to concentrate on that's bad because you've not concentrated on anything that isn't your business and the only thing folks know is things you can actually do something about and you've got the courage to do them and there's stuff that you can't do anything about you're not worried about because he's going to handle it anyway you'd be surprised at how great a life you could live with no thinking none, zero I know you think that's impossible but let me tell you something listen, every once in a while you've got to go to the bathroom, right? no thinking involved, you just go you get hungry, right, you've gotta eat no thinking evolved, you eat you get tired, you gotta sleep no thinking of all, you sleep eating, sleeping, going to the bath and that's pretty much it anything else with that is like problems it's like extra it'll all be taken care of don't worry about anything That's Sermon on the Mount. Did you know that Sermont on the Mountain was one of the fundamental books that were absolutely necessary that the old timers said they had to read during the first four years of Apostle Anonymous? Where Jesus said, don't worry about anything. Do not worry. He says, don't Worry. It's all taken care of. And the Alchies are saying, what the hell is this guy talking about? He's talking about living an incredible life and that's what he's talking About. That's why at the end of the book, the last line it says, seated in relation with him is pride and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. That's why the book is all about that. That's what they say at the beginning of the book. We've experienced much, remember, we've been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. The central fact of our life is this, that he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is indeed miraculous. He's doing for us what we couldn't do for ourselves. That's right. The whole book says it's about God. That's where we have the 11th step where you finally wind up focusing on God and trying to have more God and a better relationship with God and then you tell people about that That's how the whole book is about God as much as alcoholics want to tear him out of this and want to make it about psychology then also it's the psychological stuff which by the way hasn't really worked for you I don't know if you've noticed that, you've been told the psychiatrist before you got here, it didn't really work, he gave you pills it's not going to be crazy probably worked for some of you, but it may work as an adjunct, okay, but the number one thing is to focus on him, that power so you don't have to worry anymore and be scared. So next week we'll talk about step three, thank you Woo!