Listening to the Most Brilliant Person in the Room—Me 😂 – Bob D.

I'm Bob an alcoholic. So, through the experience of Dr. Silkworth matched up against our experience, we're starting to get a view of alcoholism that this is more than just a drinking problem. that I have something wrong with me that when I start drinking, I can't stop. If you're an alcoholic of my type and you pick up a drink, it's like having sex with a gorilla. You ain't done till the gorilla's done. You can tell yourself all day long me and the gorilla are just going to have a dance. No, you're not. You may waltz around the floor for the first couple days, but there's something coming. And it ain't good. And that seems to be universally true of people like me. So Ralph touched on this a little bit. Well, then you would think the knowledge of that coupled with the sincere determination not to pick up the first drink. You'd think under those circumstances now, like I really get it. I can't pick up The First Drink and I've really and sincerely this time made up my mind I should be home free. and you think well people say alcoholics have a quick forgetter I don't think that's it I think there's that element in alcoholism but you could if you're like me you could make up your mind you're never going to drink again and put signs all over the house Bob don't drink and I would drink again anyway I'll go back to it eventually why? Why is that? I mean wouldn't you have to In the light of how I've burnt my life to the ground consistently with this stuff, I would have to be out of my mind to go back to that thing again. And yet I keep going back to it. How come? Well, on the bottom of page XXVIII, Silkworth mentions something that happens to guys like me when I quit drinking. it's the first place in the book that we start to get some insight into what's really wrong with us what later on in the book it refers to as either a spiritual malady or a spiritual illness why I go back to you know Ralph touched on the part that most people men and women drink because they like the effect but with people who are chronic alcoholics it's more than like the effect I think somewhere inside me I need the effect one of the greatest I think arguably though but the greatest psychiatrist that ever lived he's mentioned in our book but not by name in the section when it talks about the guy who went to Switzerland to see the great psychiatrist was Carl Jung the founder of Jungian Psychiatry and Carl Jung in a letter to Bill Wilson said something that I thought was amazingly insightful and when I read it it just hit me, I thought yeah, that's exactly right he said that as a result of working with Roland Hazard and countless other alcoholics, that his experience had showed him that he believed that the alcoholic's thirst for alcohol was not really a thirst for alcohol he said it was a low level thirst of our beings for unity for wholeness and connectedness or as might be expressed in religious terms as a union with god that there is an incompleteness in me that yearns for wholeness there's a disconnection in me that yearns to be connected and we found that in the early days of getting high every alcoholic i've ever talked to has had that experience in the earlier days walk into a dance in junior high school or a later years a party or a bar and you're sober and you don't fit and you're locked up in your head up in here with that awful, lonely, separate, disconnected feeling like it's all of them and then there's me. Almost as if there's an invisible yet impenetrable barrier between me and life itself. A feeling that some of us go through when we're sober as if we have this inability to connect intimately with life and other people the way other people seem to so easily connect with each other. Alcoholism is a lonely business. And so I yearn for the connectedness because at one time, a guy like me could walk into a bar locked up in my head and after two or three drinks, I could get free and I could come out and play. After seven, remember after about six or seven drinks with your buddies, remember that feeling that would come over you? Like, I love these guys. I love you, man. You remember that feel? And it'd just be like you're one with. You're plugged in. A planet that was hostile and alien becomes homey. right had the experience to actually change my whole relationship to the planet and there was a spiritual aspect to it and even those of us that discount religion and spiritual stuff, there is a spiritual element to the effect of alcohol in the early days of alcoholism before it turns on you we may not even think of it in terms of God so much, but in terms of being connected to the universe. Being a part of and one with. I remember one night, this happened to me quite often, one night three o'clock in the morning smoking reefer and drinking wine. Talking about deep philosophical stuff. Remember getting deep late at night? I remember saying to my buddies, we were just talking about this, I remember said, this is what I can see the whole picture. One with, not one apart from. There's no loneliness when the alcoholism is treated. And then what happens? As I sober up, then I'm back to being me again. Silkworth at the bottom of this page, he says that when we stop drinking he says they are restless irritable and discontented unless i can again experience that sense of ease like ease like i've stepped right in and i'm a part of and comfort like god this is my home that sense of ease and comfort that I once found in taking a few drinks. Drinks which they see, and I see others taking with impunity without any punishment because they don't have alcoholism. A very common experience with alcoholics after they're dry for several months, the tension is kind of angst up a bit. And you're getting fed up with being sober. You take that first drink, what's the universal experience? We go as the effect just pours over us. The word spiritual, the word spirit translated out of the Latin means the breath of life. The breath of life. So I stop drinking and I become restless. That's why alcoholism, untreated alcoholism often looks like ADD. Restless. Antsy. You know? Short attention span. Why can't I listen in AABDs? Why can'T I listen at school? Because the big show is on the inside. Right. Because I'm listening to the most brilliant person in the room, me, right? Isn't it funny? I've always found my thoughts more fascinating than what you're saying. Restless. Ancy can't seem to stay in one place. Do you ever get that sense that kind of lingers in the sort of the outside reaches of your consciousness, that sense That wherever you are, it's not really where you need to be. Now I don't know where I need to Be. It's just not here. You know what I mean? It's Just restless, irritable. Well, couldn't get me. you couldn't get me to admit I was irritable because I don't like irritable people. So I'm not irritable. I can't help it that when I quit drinking, I see how stupid everybody is. And because I'm restless, I need to tell them, which makes abstinence a lonely business. I become so judgmental when I quit drinking. I don'T even know I'M DOING IT. I just, I look at everybody negatively. I look to see what's wrong with you. I pick you apart. I don't know and understand that there's something wrong with me in here and so I'm tearing you down and finding fault with you, I guess in some desperate ploy to even the playing field. Maybe if I can bring you down all enough in my mind, I won't feel so bad about me. Do you ever notice that when you're really right with yourself, how you know you're not judgmental of others? When you're Really Not Right With Yourself, do you notice how screwed up everybody is, right? It's the malady, spiritual malady of alcoholism. Chamberlain used to say it was a disease of separation. And then the last thing is discontented. Alcoholism is a disease of chronic malcontent. there's something wrong with me that i and i it's so crazy making that i live in a world where people seem and appear to be very happy satisfied and content and i can duplicate to the decimal point exactly what they have in their life just as nice a car just as nicer a relationship, just as nice a living place. I can get a nicer Harley-Davidson. I can have a job making more money than they are. How come I ain't as happy as they are? How come whatever I bring into my life that I believe and feel is going to make a difference and maybe make me feel more comfortable, how come that in a very short period of time the shine wears off of it and there you are now that job ain't so hot no more is it now that relationship isn't really what i thought it was going to be now that harley god since i thought i was so great now i've seen three i like better now i don't even like mine anymore what is it about me that's like that i'll tell you what i think it is i think one of the greatest damages that those of us that have alcoholism have ever experienced from drugs and alcohol is that at one time it took us to such majestic heights of our spirit that life itself no matter how good it may be will pale by comparison I think that unconsciously, when I get the job, the best job I ever had, to buy a house, have a boat, motorcycle money job, the job that after a couple of weeks, I start unconsciously comparing what it feels like to make that money work at that job to what it felt like to have three hits off a pipe and about a pint of tequila. I don't like the job anymore. I start comparing what it feels like to be with her to what it felt like to have a bottle of 151 rum and smoke some reefer. No, I don't like her anymore. Everything lets me down. Everything lets my down. Because there's nothing in life that I will ever encounter that touches the majestic heights that I felt in here when getting high was at its best except one thing something I've never experienced something that the steps are designed to connect me with the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are designed to treat the thing that's wrong with me once the bag and the bottle is put behind the thing that drives me out of my mind So what happens to me is I enter into a state of abstinence, and I've really, really made up my mind this time. And then these feelings of restlessness, the irritability, and the chronic discontent just start to wear on me. They're not big feelings. They're não são grandes sentidos de restlessness como se você estivesse louco. It's subtle. that kind of goes below the horizon and just kind of gnaws away at me. Day in, day out. Week in, week out. Month in, month out. And abstinence starts feeling like I'm doing time here. And I'm getting more and more angst over stuff. And what happens? this malady starts to drive me insane it starts to drive me sane but it's not the kind of insane that you can put your finger on it's incrementally moving me into a state of insanity where you know that thing you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was going to destroy you and you've sworn to yourself you'll never touch again the malady of alcoholism will gradually, incrementally drive you crazier and crazier until one day the thing you know beyond a shadow of a doubt is going to destroy you. You'll pick it up. I bet you I'm not the only person in this room that's ever drank on paper that won bad UA and I'm going to go do time in prison and I went and got the bad UA. I bet you I'm not the only person in this room that had everything to lose and nothing to gain and yet got high again. I bet you I're not the one. I bet you I've got the only person in this room that swore to people they loved and meant it and then they got high again. Alcoholism will drive you out of your mind. And if all it was, was the restless irritable discontent, maybe there'd be a little bit of hope. But on page 24, it talks about another phenomenon that makes it even more hopeless. I think this is the last nail in the coffin, so to speak. All right, so the first nail is I've got this thing that once I pick it up, I can't stop. I'm going to burn my life to the ground. And then once I've been stopped, I get so vaguely uncomfortable in abstinence that I start to yearn for an effect that I'd once had. And here's where this thing that Ralph talked about, how we can't differentiate the true from the false comes in. It says in italics on the top of page 24, it says the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure have lost the power of choice and drink our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent well we all proved that everybody almost everybody in this room rose raised their hand they'd sworn to themselves they wouldn't and they did our willpower comes non-existing and here's here's the last aspect it says that we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness into my mind with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or month ago so I'm without defense against the first tree. What is that about? Did you ever notice that when you come to in a jail cell and you've just been arrested or you're checking into detox begging for a bed how you're very, very alcoholic at that moment. Did you ever notice that? Really, got a bad case. Bad case. And if you were, at that point, if your commitment and ability to carry it out to abstinence were to rest on a balanced scale, oh my God, you're never going to get high again. No chance in the world. My God, look what happened to me. well as time goes on what happens the the emotional pain starts to dissipate like smoke in the wind and the memory of the pain becomes vaguer and hazier i'm told by women in alcoholic synonymous that it's a very similar phenomenon to childbirth that if a woman could experientially relive and remember experientially the pain of childbirth she would never do that again but what happens is time goes on i'm told and you and you kind of it becomes vague i mean you remember intellectually that it was painful but intellectual knowledge is not a deterrent because emotionally you can't get your mind around it you can'T you CAN'T remember the pain really not really and it becomes vague and hazy so i've vested myself intensely in abstinence my god i just just i'm a detox over here on the other side of the balance scale are some mild vague undiscernible feelings of restless irritable discontent little low level depression some anxiety but nothing nothing compared to my god i'm never going to touch that stuff again and then what happens in time is as the feelings of restless irritable discontent start getting ratcheted up my sponsor says it's like someone put a spring in the pit of your stomach and the frustrations of life just start tightening the string and tightening the spring and the job ain't really what I thought it was going to be like. And I'm sober. Doesn't anybody appreciate the sacrifices I'm making here? How come the family is on my back about stuff? Don't they know what I've done here? I'm sober. My God, I go to those meetings. They talk about nonsense. Did you see how bad traffic was today? my god did you see how much taxes they took out of my check and it's just tight in the spring and at the same time the memory of the pain is becoming vaguer and hazier and it is losing mass and this is getting heavier and this is getting lighter and the scale starts to tip and it always tips, it always eventually tips. If you are an alcoholic of my type or the type the book talks about without some kind of something happening in here and it either has to happen through some sort of awakening or some kind of connected sense of to a community of people that are spiritually minded such as the fellowship if you don't something doesn't happen in here the question is not if you're going to drink again the question is when and you can throw a lot of stuff at the beast to keep it at bay for a while, you can get a new relationship, you get laid a lot buy a new car, you change jobs you can change cities but eventually if you have what I have you get to the place Chuck Chamberlain used to talk about you get to a place where you can no longer put anything between you and you and there you are and the shines wore off of everything and there you are because nothing's really changed there's a bumper sticker you see it all the time it says when nothing changes nothing changes if nothing really changes in here it's inevitable and yet that is the great promise of Alcoholics Anonymous and so what happens to guys like me is I start this series of spree and remorse. What Alcoholics Anonymous and treatment centers kind of turned me into a periodic. I was seven years in and out of treatment centers, seven years In-N-Out of county jails. I can't even tell you how many times I got sober over and over again. And every time it was a little worse. In our book it says that this is a progressive disease over any considerable period, drunk or sober, over any reasonable period, we get worse, never better. Every time I'd try to get sober again, I felt a little worse about myself, a little more depression, a little bit more remorse, a little discomfort sober, a little harder times staying sober. And every time I would go out, there'd be less fun in it Until the very end, it's so bleak and desolate because you've wrung all the fun out of it. Now I'm drinking and I ain't even getting – it's no party anymore. It's bleak. It's really bleak." I drink and feel sorry for myself. I drink in going crying jags. I drink to call suicide prevention. I don't want to commit suicide. I'm just lonely. That's what somebody talked to. Call alcoholics. But if you're not ready to get sober, you learn you don't call AA more than once because they send people to you. Next thing, there's some guy knocking on your door with a book under his arm. Don't call AAA, man. Not that lonely. A couple years ago, I'll tell this story and I'll pass it on to Ralph. I heard a guy talk about this, and when he talked about it, it was the best analogy for the progression of the disease of alcoholism I'd ever heard. He was talking about a friend of his had been diagnosed as terminal from stomach cancer. My mother was diagnosed as terminally. It's a bad deal. What the doctors are really saying, there's nothing anybody can do for you. You're going to die. and it's a very sad deal and everybody was very sad and then a couple months went by and he heard that there was a surgeon that had surfaced that was going to be able to do surgery on this guy and he got excited he thought oh my god finally they found a surgeon that knows what he's doing that's going to take the cancer out and he was excited he felt like oh my God my friend's going to make it and he calls up over there to say I hear they're going to take the Cancer out They say, no, they're not. Well, I heard they're going to do surgery. Yeah, they are. What do you mean they're not going to take the cancer out? Well, they can't. Well, what are they going to do the surgery for? Oh, well, they're gonna cut out sections of his intestine and his stomach and his liver and all his internal organs to make room for the growth of the tumor so his last days on earth are not excruciatingly painful. alcoholism is just like that your mother and father get in the way of the progression of this disease eventually alcoholism will cut them out of your life your job alcoholism will cut it out of you your self respect oh it's going to go your morals, your ethics alcoholism some of us left our ethics some of use drew lines in the sand, well I'll never do that and then you look back at your life and it's like looking at a set of railroad ties that go off to all the lines you've crossed over the things you said you were never going to do your children who maybe you love more than life itself in time alcoholism will cut them out of your life can't tell you how many hundreds of people I've met that have had their kids taken away from them how many dozens of men and women and alcoholics on them that will never even see their kids again because of alcoholism and then when there's nothing left of you and you hate yourself and you long for the end then what happens is it lets you go on for several more years wishing you were dead just trying to blot it out every day I can't until it finally at the end if you're like me I stood on a bridge with the bottle of Richard's Wild Irish Rose for courage. Because I was young, I was in my 20s and a doctor told me I was younger enough that physically I might be able to go on like this for another five or 10 years. No, sir. All the fun's rung out of the party. It's pathetic and abstinence is bleak. And that's when I came to AA. That's when i was ready. I'd finally became an alcoholic that it talks about in the book it says we became alcoholics of the hopeless variety I'd lost all hope that I'm going to beat this thing and no one surrenders until you lose all hope of winning I don't think it's possible to surrender until you've lost all hope of winning and I've lost all hope of beating this thing Ralph I'm Ralph White again, I'm an alcoholic Hey Ralph Thought of doing Bill's story tomorrow But I think Let's do Bill's Story You want to do Bill'S Story? Yeah let's do bill's story Bill's storytelling When I read the big book Alcoholics Anonymous A couple of things I need to do in Alcoholics Anonymous A lot of thin lines in this program One of the thin lines is the line between what I normally did at meetings when I came. I'm a relapser, and I came four times before I came to stay. What I originally did at meanings was this deal that we warned you not to do, but of course I did. I compared as opposed to identifying. Thin line between comparing and identifying. When I read Bill's story, I never found myself in Bill's store. And when I listened to you guys share, I never heard myself in your story because I was comparing as opposed to identifying. Somebody taught me how to read the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the first things they said to me when I read the Big Book AlcoholicsAnonymous, and I started with Bill's story. I said, when you read Bill's history, when you hear his story, and when you listen to members share, ask yourself three or four questions. Ask yourself, did he drink like he drank? Did I think like he thought? Did I feel like he felt, or did I do what he did? So when I read Bill's story, I read it with those questions in mind. I drink like Bill drank and I think like he thought that I feel like he felt that I do what he did. Not all the time, not all of them, but I found myself and I was able to find my story. So I read that story with that in mind and we're not going to go through his whole story because we're still talking about step one. But the value of reading Bill's story for step one is the value of identifying and seeing the progression of the disease of alcoholism in my life. I was able to track it. I did a lot. And thank God Bill is the founder, because Bill drank like I drank and used. You would have thought Bill was a hardcore, I mean Bill's story, he left not many stones unturned. You know, and so it's hard to not find yourself in Bill's story, you know. And in the beginning, in that first paragraph, when I try to do the identification, Bill talked about here was love, applause, war. Moments sublime with intervals hilarious. I was part of life at last and in the midst of the excitement, I discovered liquor. When I discovered drinking, I was part of the life at last. Now the circumstances might not be the same. I never went to war. I was a Vietnam-era draft dodger. One of the reasons why I couldn't, I was comparing my story instead of identifying. So when he talked about here was war, I immediately was, that's not my story. But I identified with I was part of life at last. And in the midst of this excitement, I discovered liquor. For some people, I switched it around and after I discovered liquid, I was like, oh, I'm going to die for liquor. I was party life at least. you know um i was at this major university which is when my drinking really took off and here was love applause moments hilarious intervals of blind so i'm rolling with some people and my life has taken off and it's on an upward trajectory and i'm thinking to myself man you know and and that's it was the late 60s early 70s getting loaded was the thing to do and in in the midst of excitement, I discovered that. You know. Fancy myself a leader. My talent for leadership, I imagine, will place me at the head of vast enterprises. That kind of grandiosity, as a kid, I used to say to myself, I'm going to be the first black president in the United States. I meant it. I was a high achiever. I was an accomplisher. I was used to doing things and having things. And when I read Bill talk about he imagined himself the head of Vast Enterprises, I imagine that kind of grandiosity. And the grandiosity doesn't have to take place like that. Somebody in here probably imagined themselves the head of a vast criminal enterprise. Somebody in there might imagine my talent for leadership. You know, I'm going to run my hood. I have spine C's. Yeah, I'll run my hood. I'm gonna run this spot. Whatever it is, my talent for leadership. I placed me at the head of Mass Enterprise. So then people said, this is me. The drive for success was on page two. I proved to the world I was important. My dad was an alcoholic. Ashamed of him. Embarrassed about him. Never proud of him。 I didn't have a dad that took you to father-son banquets. I didn' t have the Cleaver dad or the Huxtable dad. I din' t have him, you know. And I said as a kid, I'll never be like my dad. Never. My family won't be ashamed of me and my family won' t be embarrassed of me. And I'll be somebody people can be proud of and they can look up to. You know. The drive and from an early age, I was a motivated guy and so I'm in the world and the drive for success was on. And my big motivation always, I proved to the world I was important. I'm the kind of guy but i'll talk about living in your head i remember being third fourth fifth grade date myself a lot of you guys remember the program i used to walk around and sometime i catch myself you know in certain poses and speaking a certain way because i knew candy camera was following me i literally remember candy i literally knew i was going to be on candy camera and be this i I knew it. I knew I was being observed. You know, all the time. I knew what. That kind of guy, man. You know. So now I start getting deeper into this. Did I think like he thought? Did I do what he did? Did I feel like he felt? Did I drink like he drank? So Bill now front end of drinking. Front end of drink. Potential alcoholic that I was. I nearly failed my law course, starting having problems in school. Freshman year, I took withdrawals in two classes. Now, part of the reason was it was an 8 o'clock, and why was I in an 8-o'clock class? Well, a lot of people took 8-O'clock classes. It was just bad when you were up until 4 or 5 in the morning every night in the dorms, drinking, getting loaded, playing bit whiz. You didn't need to unleash me on the world of freedom for the first time. And I just, you know, never. Just like we said in the doctor's opinion, while I admit it's injurious, I was able to differentiate true from the false. I thought my alcoholic life was the only normal one. I thought 8 o'clock class, that's the problem. The fact of not going to bed at night never entered the equation. So nearly failed having problems with school when alcohol was working, just like Bill. Though in my finals I was too drunk to think aright, Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife. Other people started seeing I was having problems before I did. Early in the game, early in the gang. You know, so Bill, he's a successful guy. He's doing it though. And like some people, and everybody's story is different. You know? Everybody's story's different. But Bill had the story. In his story, he was a guy who was successful. He was on a roll for success. He was a motivated guy. He was an ambitious guy. He had dreams. He had goals. He had hopes. He had a wife who was on his team. She came from a well-heeled family, you know, and they thought the future was in front of them. On page three, Bill, and Bill was, you Know, fueled by alcohol when it was working. Bill was an independent thinker. He had an idea. He had no idea to make money and to be an innovator in this profession. It was Wall Street Stockbroker. Other people talked about him. He was an Independent Thinker. And he said, no, I believe in myself. I believe en myself. And his girl believed in him too, Lois did. And so she rolled with it. You know, they went out and they had an idea, and it worked. And Bill made money. For the next few years, fortune threw money and applause my way. I had arrived. Anybody get that first job where you're making some money or anybody get that First Career move? I had arrives. You know, drink was taking an important and exhilarating part in my life. I made a host of fair weather friends. You walk into the places I walk into because I'm at this university running with guys that people were reading about in the paper. You know they were professional, going to be professional athletes. We had the number one team in the nation. And I'm rolling with these guys, you know. And I had arrived and, you Know, I made A host of Fairweather friends. You walk in the room, you got some money, you Got the sack, you the man And that's the lifestyle I started Craving. Drink was taking a more and more Importance. My drinking assumed More serious proportions, continuing All day, almost Every night. The remonstrances of My friends terminated in a row and I Became a lone wolf. Man, Ralph, you need To slow, man, you needs to get you some business You know, why don't you get out of my goddamn That's the kind of guy I am You know me and my friends, my pets So now I had started having problems in school. Some of my friends get cut off. I start losing friends. The toll and the cost of alcohol early on is costing me, but it's my friend. I give up it. It's more my friend than you are. You come between me and it, you got to go. You got to Go. So now my friends are defined by do you do it the way I do it? Do you do hethe way that I do? That's girlfriends. That's anybody. You know, my interviews of a girl were not, you know, do you want to have children and what's your ideas on child rearing? I didn't do interviews like that. I'd go to a club, one question interview. You get high? You know that's it. I don't need, no need to know your family tree and your pedigree and none of that. Do you get high, you don't? Shh. At the bottom of page 3 Bill talked about he contracted golf fever But the sentence I look at in there Is he said, I began to be jittery In the morning I'm starting to have some physical problems So having problems in school Got out of school Made some money I'm bumping heads with some friends now I'm losing friends if you come between me and my drinking Now I'm startin' to have Some physical problems I'm a little jittery in the morning. Then stock market fell in 1929. This is a very interesting paragraph. Bill talked about men who had lost all their money in the stock market, and then he talked about these guys considered in town to play. Some of them jumped from the buildings. They committed suicide. And Bill looked at them, and he said to himself, you know, the papers reported men jumping to death from the towers of high finance. That disgusted me. I would not drink. I went back to the bar. Bookmark that line. Bookmarked that line, men were jumping from the towers of high finance. That disgusted me. There was a time when the thought of suicide, what the hell is that about? Bookmarkthat. See if that thought stays with him consistently. There was at time when suicide seemed the furthest thing out of my mind and I had a power, alcohol. I turned the alcohol as my solution. Hmm. It's going to be funny when it's alcohol that makes me turn the thoughts of suicide. But at this point, alcohol saved me from thoughts of suicides. It was still working. It were still working even though I'm having problems. It was power for me. I wouldn't drink. I went back to the bar. That disgusted me. That's a benchmark kind of statement for me because I look at that and he said as I drank, the old fierce determination in the wind came back. Alcohol giving me the determination to withstand problems in my life. Huh. Imagine that. Let's get his bookmarked there. Next morning I phoned a friend in Montreal my first geographic. Start doing geographics. And this is why I like it. He said he had money and said, come on, Ralph. Come on with me, man. You my boy. Come up here. By the following spring, we were living in our custom style. I felt like Napoleon returning from Elba. That was a big battle. Now, I don't have a dime. I'm living off Bob's money, but I felt like Napoleon, right? Because that's the kind of guy I am. I'm the conquering hero. living, I'm really homeless living in Bob's house but I'm the conquering hero because I know somebody who will clean up for me. And my head tells me yeah you can come back you're the kid you got comeback ability I'm living up in, you know oops, drinking caught up with me again Bob is like Ralph get your trifling, cause he didn't know me, he was way in another country notice that the person that called bill to take him in was a guy way in another country. If you would have been around, Ralph, you would not have made that mistake. Man, you my boy. Come on. You can stay with me. So now, and I love these sentences because he just says, drinking caught up with me and my generous friend had to let me go this time we stayed broke because I ain't leeching off Bob. But I like to fill in the blanks at that because I don't know. He just said my friend had let me leave. There's a lot of stuff involved with that because if I come up living at your house, now it's my house. You going to work every day. I'm up in there. He come home one day. Me, you, you, we all laid up in the... Hey, Bob! We in his refrigerator. You know. He ain't got no food, you know. I got three, four girls up in here. Two of you shady characters are up in there going through his bedroom. And Bob is coming home. Now once is alright, but every day we partying. Bob work, and Ralph, you're my boy, but you got to, you know, that's how that probably worked. I like Phyllis. It does me, you knows? So now what happens? Go to live with my wife's parents. Fellas, can you imagine? You a drinker, you in the life like I am, and you gotta go live with your girl's parents and her daddy, andyou living like I'm living? See, I'm not living in a manner that really suggest I need to be staying with my wife's dad. Not in sleeping at night. So now we go to stay at her house. Last thing I want to do. I got a daughter. I got her daughter. Should any of you guys relapse, don't think you're going to be living with my daughter coming up in my house and I'm going to get pleased but I'm not welcoming you. That's big. That is big. A drunk living in, oh my God. So Bill is in there, you know, so now they're homeless. Homeless, you know. Failing class, losing friends, physical problems, geographics. Now I'm homeless and I'm hopeless up in here. We went, I found a job, lost it as a result of a brawl with a taxi driver. Somebody give me one reason you brawling with a taxi drive. So give me the reason. We ain't paying him. I done sat up in here and the cold thing was it's up in front of the new job I got. Just hired Ralph. Somebody look out the window. Isn't that the guy we hired fighting with a taxi? Fighting with a taxi driver. Fire from the jobs. So now I'm jobless. This is so descriptive of me. He's running games on people. He's not paying them. He gets fired from a job. We got homeless. We got broke. We got geographics. We got fired from the job. I became an unwelcome hanger on at spots in the neighborhood. Bill was a brokerage house. I'm a bum. I'ma leech. You know, some people are panhandlers. It didn't get quite to that for me. But I'm an unwelcomed hanger. I'MA BUM. You know? I'm leeching. Liquor ceased to be a luxury. It became a necessity. One of the first descriptions of the invisible line ceased to be a luxury. It became a necessity. How do I know that happened for me? Well, there was a time when I used to pay bills and drink with what was left. Then it got to be the time where the drinking came first. And if there was anything left, then it got up to a point where we knew there would be nothing left. You know, I can remember a time when I had about three bucks left on me, and I was starving, you know, and got a little money, got with my brother and it was either buy a burger or I could satisfy it. When I get loaded I'm not going to be hungry again anyway. It became a luxury. A necessity. Eating became a luxury. Imagine that. Cease to be a luxury, it became a necessity. Cross the invisible line. This went on endlessly. I began to wake up very early in the morning shaking violently. I'm worse physically now. It's taking a greater physical toll on me. You know, I'm just bullet pointing Bill's story so I can find my story in it. Did I drink like he drank? Did I do what he did? Then, check the gradually things got worse. The house was taken over by the mortgage holder. My mother-in-law died. My wife and father-in‑law became ill. Later on, I want you right there, I bookmarked that one too and I kind of put a flag on it. And this description we'll see later on when we get to the ninth step and we talk about the alcoholic is like a tornado there's the tornado that's the remnants of the tornado two categories of people who when Ralph is actively in his disease two categories I call them marks and victims that's only two categories of people I'm taking advantage of you I'm victimizing you I don't want to and I don't like to and I don't mean to but if you're in my orbit people get hurt and they get hurt bad I'm that guy you move me into the house they've been paying their house no religiously faithfully probably had to refinance it for his life you move me in the house what happens coincidence we think not they lost the house how come that didn't happen until you moved me up in there mother-in-law died well we know she was going to die anyway, but probably not as soon as she did and not in the way that she did. And I guarantee you, she didn't die of spinal. Father-in-law and wife, they're sick. But you know my mantra? I'm not hurting nobody. I'm not hurting anybody. Anybody else ever hear themselves saying that? I ain't hurting nobody, why are you sweating me? Why don't you get out of my business? I'm Not Hurting Nobody. Tornado I woke up This had to be stopped I saw I could not take so much as one drink I was through forever The methods I tried to stop First one, willpower Anybody try willpower? I'm not doing this shit Usually willpower comes into play At the end of a run When I'm sitting there How did this happen again I'm not doing this no more. I'm now doing this and mean it. Willpower. Shortly afterward, I came home drunk. Okay, willpower didn't work. Was I crazy? Was I Crazy? Second step. And then when we're previewing one of the definitions of insanity that we talk about in the second step. Such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near to being just that. Everything to lose, and I'll say something to myself like, oh, but it's Friday, and I'm drinking. I got a job to lose. Wife to lose home to lose you know fear going to jail. Oh, oh but it is Friday. That's a lot of sense, you know. Renewing my resolve, I tried again. More willpower. One day I walked into a cafe and no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened. As the whiskey rose in my ear, willpower again. Look at page six in the middle. Should I kill myself? remember what we read about a couple of pages ago i saw men jumping from the towers of high finance i was disgusted turned to alcohol i went in the bar old fierce determination to win came back alcohol gave me the courage now what is alcohol doing to me as opposed to for me. Now, should I kill myself? No, not now. Jim would fix that. Still somewhat working, but the thought crept in. Thoughts are suicide now. Progression. No. Sometimes I stole from my wife's slender purse. We still in the tornado. Stealing from the purse. Top of page seven next day found me drinking both gin and sedative i'm mixing it now i'm drinking and using doctor saw me i'm drinkin and i'm using it relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor though it remains strong in other respects my behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was on was explained understanding myself now surely this was the answer self-knowledge so we tried willpower a couple of times self-nowledge, that'll work but it was not for the frightful day came when I drank again self- knowledge didn't work page 8 no words can tell of the loneliness and despair found in that bitter morass of self-pity quicksand stretched around me in all directions I had met my match, I had been overwhelmed alcohol was my master, Bill's first surrender and I love the wording in that I had met my mach alcohol was my master quicksand stretched out all around me and it's a personal realization but the surrender was not enough fear sobered me for a bit I went to the hospital fear sober me for bed, that's the answer we try willpower, we try self-knowledge fear, that'll keep me sober insanity of that first drink on Armistead's day I was off and running again everybody became resigned to the certainty I would have to be shut up somewhere or stumble along I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence so Bill all the way up until then, now we get to the point where he's getting ready to meet Abby Thatcher He's going to get catapulted. He's gonna have to meet the results in all of us being here today. But that progression of that disease, we read pretty much Bill's first step experience. You know, did I drink like he drank? Did I think like he thought? Did I feel like he felt that I do what he did? I tried geographics. I became homeless. I had to suffer the consequences Bill suffered. I almost fell out of school. I've suffered unemployment. You know I damn near killed the people around me and I brought destruction to everybody whose path I touched. You know, I tried self-knowledge. I tried willpower. I even tried fear. None of them worked for me. None of those worked for him. You know? And so I look at myself, and I found my story in Bill's story. You know. And that's the progression of the disease in the first step, you know, in Bill'S story. I think it's time for us. Is this break time or are we going straight through? We're going to go straight through. Go. Let me go? Yeah. Okay. You want to finish Bill'S stories? Well, I didn't want to finish Bill's story because Bob and I, we're going to try as best we can this weekend to get through all 12, and he and I can both weave a long story. But anyway, just to finish up, you know, Ebby Thatcher came and saw Bill in November. The rest of Bill's Story came, saw Bill In November of 1934. He brought what was the first time he brought a story to Bill, and it was interesting. It was like one alcoholic working with another like nobody else could. You know, a minister, if he had called on me or if a preacher had called on me, it wouldn't have had an impact. But it's something for somebody who was in the life with me. Think about it. Somebody who was In The Life For Me. And I read that story when he sits around and he talks about sitting on that day with a bunch of gin and he's sitting there himself because he's not working. He gets a call from his boy, and he does what I do. I get happy and I get excited because fresh money's coming. And he's somebody that I used to get loaded with, and I ain't seen Steve in a long time, so I've been burning him out. So I know we're going to get load. And he shows up at my house, and my face falls. Ebby Bill says he wasn't himself. You know when you get loaded so long that when you sober, people think you're not yourself? I usedと say to myself, I get loaded sо much, I stagger when I'm sober. You know, and I used tо be proud of saying stuff like that. And this is how Bill looked at Ebby. He wasn't himself because he was sober. I know what's going to happen, though. Unmindful of his welfare is what he said. He said, drinkers are like that. This is an oasis in the desert. And he had to say, drinker's are like that. That's me. All I think about is me. Everybody I see represents opportunity. Forget it. I don't care. Bob is coming up in here sober. He ain't going to leave that way so he comes up in and he asks his boy what's going on man and ebby says something that makes his heart fall i got religion oh man ain't that the last thing you want to hear when you're sitting in the middle of getting loaded you're in the Middlewood getting loaded and you've got your hopes up because your boy is coming they used to do it worse than you every was way was way, you know. Ebby was out there and him and Bill used to do it big. They chartered an airplane. They were the first people to land. This airstrip was supposed to get christened and they paid somebody some money to let them be the first people to christeen the airstrips. The first plane to land on this brand new airstrift. And they got reporters out and photographers out and so when the plane lands the way that they take pictures of these guys is some guys gotta come and carry them out because they tow up and passed, you know, so they, you know, the photographers, here come Ralph and Bob, christening the air, you Know, and that's how they did it. And that was his last memory of Abby. You know, he talks about this jag they chartered, but there was something behind that. It was a big deal, you know? And so they showed up and they drunk. So this guy is crazy. One of your partners that you say, oh yeah, he crazy. So anyway, he had been in jail and his partner showed up and Abby told a story about how a couple cats showed up in the courtroom and said, you know, let us take him. And they convinced the judge and they were from the Oxford group. You know, and the Oxford Group is who predates that's where we come from. And they showed up and Ebi was sober. And he carried a message to Bill. Bill considered Ebi a sponsor until the day he died. Ebi didn't die sober. You know? And Ebi went in and out of this program. But Ebi Thatcher was the right man at the right place. And when we look back, which is what it is that we do, we're able to see the finger. We're ableto see the hand. we're able to see guys work but those guys were just in it they were just some guys Bill was just a guy that was tore up didn't see a way out he was just like Ralph sinking in quicksand and his boy shows up bright eyed and he shares some things with him in that conversation a lot of stuff went by the boards Bill went and died in Towns Hospital for the fourth time and when he was in the hospital something happened to him and he had a white light experience and he shares that in his story and he fell out of bed and he didn't know what had happened he didn' t know and he told Silkworth and for some reason see Bill had been in this doctor's hospital each time he went in for some region this guy that was outside of the experience Silkworth saw something manifest in Bill and said I don't know what happened this time but you better hold on to it you better to hold on to him. And Bill Wilson left Towns Hospital never to drink again. Ebi Thatcher armed him with some facts about himself. You know, he told him one of the things that's essential for you to do, and we still talk about it, one of things that is essential for you to do is pass this message on to other alcoholics. Work with other alcoholists. You got to pass this on in order for you to stay sober. And six months after he left that hospital he went and handled some business in Akron, Ohio. And he was sitting in Aklon, Ohio and his business didn't come off well. And on a Sunday afternoon he was standing in a hotel lobby and he got thirsty. He got thirsty And in his experience he had done that before and every time he had got thirsty before he looked for a drunk to drink with and for some reason this time he remembered what his boy told him And for the very first time in his life, he looked for an alcoholic to not drink with. For him not to drink. For him NOT to drink through a series of divine coincidences again, because he didn't know nobody in there except his business people. And he got put in touch with this lady who was a prayer lady. Reminds me of my mom. My mom is a prayerlady and she has prayer partners. And Henrietta Seiberling was a praying lady. And Ann Smith was one of her prayer partners. And Ann Smyth was buried to a real bad drum. And he was a doctor in Akron, Ohio. And Bill Wilson got in touch with Ann Smith through Henrietta Seiberlin and asked if he could come talk to this trunk. And Bob Smith said, yeah. And he said, yes, for one reason and one reason only, because he was in the doghouse like I was a lot. He had been on the run. he had just come off a run Mother's Day come in with some old welter flowers you know this old lady like man and he did what we do I'm going to get my old lady off my back I'm contrite and I'm remorseful and somebody is on the horn and she telling me there's a guy who want to talk to you about your drinking oh man can you imagine Bob Smith nursing a hangover and his old lady saying that to him And he said, all right, I'm going to give him 15 minutes tomorrow. And Bill Wilson showed up about 5 in the afternoon in that 15 minutes, turning the hours up into 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning. And when he got ready to leave, Bob Smith said, can I see you again? And those two guys got sober. And they started doing what it is that we still do. that's still the basis of every time we get together it still is underneath everything we do Bob and I can sit up here and we can talk about these 12 steps we talk about this process of recovery and we'll talk about the book and folk will get excited and we talk about it for one reason and one reason only to facilitate what it is that we do at Alcoholics Anonymous and Bill Wilson did it with Bob Smith the first time and it's still what we do one drunk talking to another it's what we doing it's what we do and nobody does it like we do it and them two sat down and they did it and in a couple of years 40 other people were face over and they wanted to know how can we let Ralph White and Bob Darryl know what we know when they come along and that New York hustler said let's put it in a book and they put it in a blog and the remarkable thing about it somehow those men and women in the 30's somehow they managed to squeeze all of us up in this blue book they put us in this book they put us in this book and hopefully Bob and I can help us find us in this book this weekend thanks ralph so many years later we're dying of alcoholism we come to alcoholic synonymous it's not like when bill and bob were around and there was no program there was no meetings we got meetings we've got books we got literature we got pamphlets we got all kinds meetings we got big book studies we got 12 by 12 studies we got speaker meetings we got open discussion meetings we got every kind of meeting you can think of and yet guys like me with a solid solution in front of them come to Alcoholics Anonymous every day presented with a process that will turn your life around and yet we don't pick it up we don't pick up this simple kit of spiritual tools in 1978 on my last run i tried to take my own life and if is i am perched on a bridge trying to get up enough courage to kill myself to make this stuff stop if you would have asked me bob why don't you try alcoholics synonymous i probably would have said i tried it and it didn't work but i hadn't tried it because i didn't understand what was here and i thought i i thought that you just didn't drink and you went to meetings and it's not that i that people didn't talk about the steps occasionally they did but it didn'T connect with me because i wasn'T quite yet an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. And my experience is not that much different than thousands of people I've talked to. I've never met a person yet who comes to their first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in the despair, remorse, depression, hopelessness of alcoholism, sober when you first get sober and hit a bottom, who's looked at the steps and went, oh yeah, that would work. Oh yeah, turn my will and my life over to God. Oh, that's a great idea. Are you kidding me? I'd rather get an attorney. God? You know what God is? God's the guy with the book who keeps score. God can see in the dark. Oh, bad. Oh. He can read my mind, for God's sakes. If I turn my will and my life over to him, I don't got a shot. Write? Write? An inventory? Admit that I'm wrong about everything I know I'm right about? And then spend the rest of my life paying back. I would have paid those people back. My God, I wouldn't have stolen so much if I'd have known I had to pay it back one day. And then, and here's the wonderful kicker. Then after I do all of that, what do I get to do then? Have some fun? No, you're going to spend the rest of your life letting drunks puke in your car. Doesn't look like a lot of fun. so there's always other alternatives because i still had i still have this illusion that i can beat this thing and the illusion was that maybe with this new medication maybe with his new girlfriend maybe with this self-help group maybe at this therapist maybe this new treatment center i know they say it's not like the of five. Maybe I can beat this thing. And what happened to me is I got to a point where I couldn't imagine life with it, and I couldn' t imagine life without it. On page 152, and actually we'll start on the bottom at 151, is really a very accurate description of how I came to a place where I could get, I could do what you do. I couldn't come to this, I couldn'T get it any other way. In the bottom of the page, it talks about me in the years before I was an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. It says now and then a serious drinker being dry at the moment says, and I bet you some of you have said these words to yourself and others over the years. Now that you're sober, oh, I don't miss it at all. Feel better, work better, having a better time. Well, as ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a Sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly, secretly, I would give anything to take a half dozen drinks and get away with them. And so what happens? He'll presently try the old game again. Why? Why? for he isn't happy about his sobriety not really abstinence looks like a long gray tunnel it looks like it looks likes something that's like i'm doing time so i try the old game again for i'm not happy about my sobriete says he cannot picture life without alcohol and here's what happened to me it says someday he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it then he will know loneliness such as few do he'll be at the jumping off place in a wish for the end i tried to take my own life and finally became an alcoholic of the hopeless friday because i got to that place i got to a place where drinking was pathetic and awful and depressing and sobriety was not better. Abstinence felt like I was doing time and I was literally stuck in a trap I could not spring. And I tried to kill myself but I was a coward and couldn't do it. And I ended up one more time in another detox at a place where something had happened inside of me and I could hear you for the first time all of a sudden i started i was like bill after all his attempts at trying to beat this and failing he was hopeless and i was hopeless in 1978 when i was new um after i was sober several months i something that somebody asked me something that one of the counselors in the detox i went back just to start taking meetings back in there one of them came up to me one day and said you're you were relapsed for all those years and now you're going to like 15 meetings a week and you got a sponsor and you've got commitments what happened to you and i couldn't have told her i didn't know what did happen what did happen to me how come now i'm doing this whole thing and i'm buying the whole package i'm trying to do all this stuff and before it didn't even make sense to me i didn' t It wouldn't even help me. Now it's helping me because I'm doing it. What made me start doing it? And there was a guy in AA, there was couple people in AA that used to try to help me when I was new. You know, I came off the streets. I'd been homeless for a couple years and they gave me their old clothes. They'd get them cleaned and they'd give them to me. Nice stuff too, some nice sport coats and pants and shirts. One day at a meeting, a guy comes up to me and he says, I want you to take some stuff off my hands. My wife told me I've got to get it out of the house. And he gave me these nice sport coats and, man, some nice stuff and a box of books. And he said, I heard you like to read. And he says, I've already read these. Maybe you'd like to reading them. I said, yeah, man. Sure, because I like to reed. And so I'm sitting and I'm reading one of these novels, not a recovery book. This is not self-help, no psychology, no spiritual book. It's just a novel. and I'm reading this novel and all of a sudden I get to this part as I'm reading it I started to understand exactly what had happened to me and there's a section in the novel where these scientists are doing experiments trying to discover things about the human brain and they discovered that in the human brain was a part that had a Latin name but they kept referring to it as the pleasure center it's the part of the brain that allows you to get high from cocaine and alcohol heroin speed it's where you get high so the scientists took these laboratory rats and they discovered they also had that pleasure center in their brain so they put two tiny wire filaments into the pleasure center of the rat's brain and then they would pass an electric stimulus through the wires and it would stimulate the pleasure Center and the rat would get high so what they did is they hooked up the juice to a pedal in the rat's cage and the rat would learn he could hit the pedal and he'd get high so the rat Would just lay on the damn pedal I mean he don't eat he don't sleep you don't even have any sex anymore because he's too busy later baby I'm partying on party and he did that battle in that battle and he hit that pedal until he died because he's not even drinking water he would die usually of dehydration die well the scientists once they that these rats are going to die, they'd watch them. And then when a rat would get close to dying, they'd turn the juice off. Well, they turned the juice of and the poor rat keeps hitting the pedal and nothing's happening. And he's hitting it again and nothings happening and again and again nothings happenin'. And finally after countless attempts, the rat would finally get it. Party's over. And instead of being able to go back to bein' a rat, the rat could curl up in a ball and lay on the floor of the cage to die. Because without the juice, what's the point? What's the point? Why should I even get up? What, to feel like I'm doing time the rest of my life? To go with that loneliness and have to pretend like I fit and pretend like I'm okay when I'm in here, right? What's the point. And that's exactly i'm reading that and i'm i'm that rat the party's over i i i'm like tearing up as i'm reading about this rep because i know that's what had happened to me somehow i got to the end of my alcoholism and there's no juice left and it's unrecapturable you know there's never been one recorded case of a guy that ever transversed into the stage of alcoholism where all the funds rung out of it where he's ever been able to roll it back to the years when it's fun again and yet there's millions of cases of people died trying it's never been able to be done and yet guys like me will chase what's it what's it say in our book the persistence of this illusion is astonishing many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity or death the illusion that i could someday some way control and enjoy turn the juice back on again and once it's over it's horrible and I came into Alcoholics Anonymous like that rat I didn't come here for sobriety really I'm not a member of AlcoholicsAnonymous because of the third tradition in the short form desire not to drink Now, the membership requirement in the long form, we believe membership should include all who suffer from alcoholism. I couldn't have told you it was alcoholism, but I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was suffering drunk and I was offering sober. I was miserable in both places. And I couldn'T even kill myself. and if God would have appeared before me I probably would have ended up in a mental hospital but if he would have appeared before me and said to me Bob I'm going to give you one wish it wouldn't have been sobriety you know it wouldn'T have been a spiritual way of life are you kidding me chance to help people give me a break if he had given me one wish I think which wish would have been if I could have been honest you know what I think I would have said to God I'd say God let me get high like I got high when I was 18 years old again I'll tell you what God you let me get high like I got high when I was 18 years old for three years I'll let you kill me at the end of those three years but give me those three years give me those three years of glory I'll let you kill me at the end of those three years and instead I I get a big book and a sponsor and a home group and over 30 years later I'm here to tell you something I'm hereto tell you that I don't think Alcoholics Anonymous is designed to get you to stop doing drugs and alcohol I don' t think that's the point you want to quit getting high, punch a cop you'll quit for a little while Alcoholics Anonymous is designed to do one thing and one thing only. It's designed to turn the juice back on. That's it. It's the great promise that is accumulated in the 12th step as a result of this process. Having had a spiritual awakening as the single, as the result of these steps. See, we don't know what you're going to believe. We don't know what you're going to do for a living. We don'T know what you're gonna be like, but we do know something. We know it like we know we're sitting here. We know that if you buy this whole package, something's gonna happen to you and it's gonna be good. We know that you're gunna be alive again. We know that something in here is gunna change and you're guinna have an enthusiasm for life the way you did when you'd had about your fourth drink when you're 18 years old and you're lit up we know that it's going to light up and awaken your spirit and that's what alcoholics on this is designed to do tomorrow morning at 9 a.m we're going to start introducing you to the process that's designed to turn the juice back on it's really the point that we're here for we're not here to talk you into quitting drinking matter of fact i'll tell you something most people ain't won't tell you if getting high is still fun i'd get high i'm telling you matter of fac matter of fact i i would hate i would have hated to see anybody get sober and realize they had three fun years left. That'd be terrible. I mean, my God. What a waste that would be. We're not looking for anybody. We're nicht suchen. AA doesn't even want you if it's still fun. We want you when you wrung all the fun out of it. And there you are. And we're going to show you how to turn the juice back on. See you at 9 o'clock.