Life Got Better Every Time I Got Sober So I Decided I Must Not Be an Alcoholic – Jim E.

My name's Kat, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Kat. Hey, welcome to the Monday 8 p.m. Blue Chip speaker meeting at the NaviClub, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. So tonight we have Jim telling his story, Jim E. I can't wait to learn more about him. So, Jim, come on up. Hi, I'm Jim. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a very nice guy. That's all I've heard. Are there any other alcoholics? I want to make sure. I think I might be a drug addict, too. But there's other meanings. And I ate all I could get, step one. Bad things happen, I could kind of say, yeah, I guess I do have a problem. I always get, just figure this out. But maybe I just need to get around the right people. It turns out it's to get any relief from being unproductive. And that's it. I mean, there's no mystery to this thing. I tried to make it like it was. You know, when I first got here, like it was like some profound mystical thing. It turns out if I don't drink, I'm in the game. It was April Fool's editions. I was kind of intrigued by it. I got sober. And at that time, it was really to get sober. A lot of people that I thought were cool and a lot of people I looked up to. It seemed like it was stuff I could kind of sink my teeth into. And like, you know, I mean, I was expounding on the steps and the traditions of like at three weeks sober. You know? And I was like, smartest guy in the room. Just like when I was drinking, smartest guy. Ask me anything and I'll explain it to you. I'll tell you exactly what you want to know. I thought that I knew everything about everything. I pretty much knew nothing. Typical, I think. 13. And so, and I didn't get sober in that period. A lot of the basic stuff. I always admire people that come in here that didn't start drinking until college or afterwards. And they got the fundamentals down. And so they know how to like do the basics. I didn't know how to do the basics. I still don't know how to do some of them. But, you know, if it was there, if it were a case of beer in the fridge that stays there all week until the week, you know, that was. And then a liquor cabinet. And they come back a week later and it's like, to me, that's. He was blown away. We're capable of a lot. But then I realized I'm too young to be a real. Et cetera, et cetera. So my bottom. Manageability just didn't make sense to me. You know? It wasn't. It wasn't sinking in. It's all a blur. Specific things. But I couldn't give you a clear timeline except that I drank a lot. And then I'd get sober. And I'd get some things back. And then I'd relapse. How can it get worse than it was? Even worse? He's drunk again. I had been through that so many times. Not just trying to get sober. But just, you know, like I'm just going to go have two beers. It never worked. If it was, it was because of that. And he's looking at me. He actually was the first person that said, you're an alcoholic and you need to go to meetings. But this wasn't until. And I said, what's an earthquake? Like, you know, they're in earthquake shock. Like, it just went right over my head. A blackout drinker usually. I would just drink. Tommy Dew, excuse me. Make it sound funny after the fact. And that was, that was my thing. And. It's like I never came out of a blackout. Doing something nice. Running. Doing charity. Or giving a toy to a kid. Or like bringing flowers. And eventually, people were actually looking. You know, like I'd walk into a bar and the bartender. So I started, you know, I knew it was. I kept drinking, you know. It still amazes me. No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse. I hooked up with these rebels. The whole deal was you don't drink or use. That's it. You know. People would. I'd sit in meetings. People would talk about hitting bottom with somebody who gets so drunk. Stay sober. Because the circumstances would always get better. And I'd get my shit back. And I'd have my life. And I'd think, oh, well, I must not be an alcoholic. I just had a bad run, you know. When that clicked for me. And I realized the same thing always inside me. The same thing. And I might not go crash a car. I might actually just get wasted and stagger home. But it was the same thing that happened inside my brain, you know. And I couldn't escape that. I knew looking back that. That's the way it always was from the beginning. I drank and switched my whole perception of reality. He'd go out drinking as a duck. And after a couple drinks, he'd turn into an eagle. And go swooping around looking. I could totally relate. You know, that's how it worked for me. Guilt. And I'm here to tell you, you don't have to go, you know. You don't have to drink to that point. The bottom doesn't have to be about. For me. And usually it's like. I think it's like. Only. There are other people, you know, that, that just is always out, you know. Somebody showed up at the bar, came and got me and took me to a meeting late, late at night. And I was in this meeting drunk and it was with a bunch of people that I knew I'd been sober with for this long period of time. Felt safe. You know, it's okay to do. It's okay to take a white chip. I found out. Sometimes I hear some great stories and I'm like, ah, maybe I'm not really. And that's the way it, when I, when I first got sober, I was around all these. And so I did all that shit. You don't have to be down inside. I knew. I just couldn't accept it. I didn't accept that I was. I couldn't. I didn't. I don't have the self-will, whatever it is, that it's just not in me. And that's okay. Part of this that I've seen, mostly in other people, but I catch glimpses of it, glimpses of it for myself too, is, is that it's better. Like having this disease and getting sober and being a part of this deal. I'm better now than, than I was. It's the only thing that's getting, gotten me to a place where I can actually tolerate. Spiritual principles, you know, things that are not based around self-centered, convince you that. Do nice things. I want to do as little work as possible, true nature. That's like what I'm dealing with, to resist that. It's not, you know, a house of cards. You know, and I, and I have to humble myself a lot these days. Going with this, you know, you know, you need help, but you know, I'm not telling you that that's the only way. I'm just saying the eligibility part necessarily, but I knew God better than anybody. Cool God. You know, the God that gives me. Power to, and, uh, when I started examining that, I got to a point where it's like, there's a reason that the, in the big book, there's, there's a reason why that chapter is in there. And it's for people like me. And it turns out there's like a lot of us in here. And how, back and forth from believing in God, you know, some days I believe in it. Some days I don't. And some days I'm like doing foxhole prayers. And some days I walk outside. All I got to do is just see the sunlight and some birds. And I'm like. The gravity of my alcoholism is always going to be pulling me down. And into that dark. You know, I have to build the ladder to climb out of it. We always jump ahead to the 10th step, maybe, but the 11th step too. I thought, I mean, I was an idiot and I would tell people when they were new, just go straight to the 11th step, man. That's all you got to do. And you'll get it. You know, it'll, the found is, is that if I'm, if I've done the first three steps. Even if I, I mean, if I'm just, this is my first day in here sober. I can, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. help that needs to hear what I can teach them anything all you have to do is talk about my experience and uh and and be honest about what I'm dealing what I'm going through what what I've gone through and people relate you know that's just and I think they're nothing like me and then the conversational stuff which may sound cool there's something in that that's that's something that I always I think I was always longing for too the connection and AA I can get it out there I can find it out there but I really just these days I only hang out with recovering we only we only have so much we're given this gift we're talking about or checking my ass pretty frequently it's clear in the book you know it's not about how bad things reminded of that I don't take any chances with that anymore I used to you know I don't even deal with the first step anymore I've graduated like when I hear new people talking about their experiences coming in when I when I when I'm in a first step meeting get into self-will and crazy like not feel okay I was like what's going on why can't and then I come to a meeting and it's like all that gets lifted you know or I get I get I get to see the door opening a little bit I just got to take my keep showing up here and listening you know it used to be I'd come in and like I said it's like I couldn't couldn't imagine I know I'm sick I know I'm an alcoholic but at least I'm not as sick which I didn't realize that how sick I was to be thinking that it turns out like my disease is pretty bad like I may be sicker than anybody the sickest you know the salute relationships that I have in this program get me to a point that doesn't matter anymore it doesn't matter in a position where I can't help anybody I'm better than everybody but I can't help anybody either it just blows me away for something to happen like in the beginning I'll go to meetings like four or five times a day relationships that were based on I didn't know that was what kind of tricked into the future and say this is what my sobriety is going to look like even though I can look around and be okay with that to give advice to anybody that's one one of the biggest things I would say is like no matter how idiotic I sound up here right now back you're going to hear somebody that'll say something that makes sense I spent a lot of time making judgment calls from the back row usually that was all the way in the back and no no offense to anybody in the back row tonight but that's where I was that's where I was hanging out and I'm getting the we need t-shirts you know that was my set for a while it was what kept me in these rooms and I had and I had I could just take the advice of the fellow why don't you go to a meeting and I knew their story I'm missing anything out there like the drinking you know that's what one of the things too I was always we went to a concert the other night a lot of people there and I'm like I'm going to go to a looking around I don't see any drunk people like there's no like aren't we supposed to all be drunk at this thing like I was always trashed at the it's taken its toll on my anyway resisted you know the suggestions and then somewhere along the line I decided that I decided to take the suggestions even though I absolutely disagreed with them and thought they were once again it makes a difference you know getting sober is not like it's not that hard but reaching out once I do that everything I hear what I need to hear people are I mean so unbelievably loving in this program not to be scared all the time you know not to be running from something and not regretting things you know and this is the only place I found that solved that or is solving that problem you know it's a lot less when I came in here it was the end of the world I know I know there's people in here there's nothing left and it changed you know it got better anytime I get asked to speak it's it's an honor because it helped you know it is this is good advice too if you're like me it's a good to raise your hand and say something that way you can you can see how crazy you might be when the words actually come out of your mouth and I'm okay like tonight I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't feel that crazy like I think I might have said something you know halfway decent and it continues to get better and I'm grateful that I got it you know at least I got it when I if you're sitting in this room right now you I think you're pretty lucky you know because most of us are out there trying to get that next thing yeah this thing I know that's a real deal like it's not like there's that alone is enough reason to get sober unfortunately but it doesn't really motivate all of us but it's a real thing and um I feel very fortunate to be here tonight if not somewhere else with another alcohol anyway thanks for letting me share my thoughts are dripping and I can't make it quit the windows open and you're gone I'm real tempted to do something rash but it's too late and I'm so tired yesterday the crowd went home we dropped them at the airport laughing and crying and we watched the plane flow wrong it was just you and me and I burned a line yeah you gotta stop somewhere yeah you gotta stop somewhere and bumping into walls and bound up tight as a clock or open and take a deep breath crank up the car and put it in the car I'm driving round now cause I'm going bleeding on the bar to hear the famous last words of another drunk poet ten minutes to be a genius I'm up and I'm busting for thinking slow being stupid laying low but this for being out of style for a day not this way not this lifetime and I guess it's too little