Kim C. – Steps 1-3 – Steps One Two and Three Workshop – 2014

All right, again, welcome to ISNAC 14. This workshop is steps one, two, and three. And we'll start with our speakers. We've asked Sheila to come up and introduce our first speaker. I'm an addict named Sheila. This person I'm going to introduce is very dear to my heart. He's one of the most honest people that I've ever met. And I love him. And without further ado, I introduce to you my sponsor, Charles P. My name is Charles and I am a grateful recovering addict. That's due to my guide in the program known as Narcotics Anonymous. The first thing we must do is, for me, if you guys could have a moment of silence for those addicts that still suffer and a special moment of silence for those addicts that have been introduced to the program of Narcotics Anonymous that have chosen to go back into the horrors of active addiction. So as we have that moment of science, could you please remember one of those people and say an individual prayer for that person while we do this moment of silent? Moment of silence, please. Thank you very much. Like I said, my name is Charles, and I truly am a grateful recovering addict. You notice when I walked up to the mic, I was smiling. Behind every smile, there's a memory. And, you know, when I first got to Narcotics Anonymous, this is not a place I wanted to stay. But by the grace of God I'm one of those that got to the program Of Narcotics Anonymous And haven't picked up since I got here So that lets us know The miracle of the process of recovery When it comes to Narcotic Anonymous I was talking to a brother from Detroit Last night And he was telling me He had He was working on 18 years clean And he had He was workin' on 8 years of recovery And my journey has been A little different than his My journey is that I started the recovery process Almost immediately Once I got to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous And that wasn't because I believed in the program Or anything like that What it was is that when I got here I was extremely paranoid And I noticed the more honesty I practiced The less paranoid I got And so that's why I choose to start Practicing the spiritual principles It was out of necessity Not out of volunteering for the process And as I chose the necessity To do the things that were necessary for me to get some sanity back in my life, it began to help me grow in the process. I was talking to Bill H., God bless his soul, a few years back and I had about three and a half years clean and he told me, he says, Charles, your recovery exceeds your clean time and I thought that was a wonderful compliment from a man that had been around for a long time in Narcotics Anonymous. And I do know that that book says that most of us resist recovery and that is of reality, whether I like it or not. You know, this workshop is on step one, step two and step three. You Know, step one is, you know, in order for me to get this process, I got to get with the steps. As soon as I walk into the doors of Narcotics Anonymous, they tell me the steps are the solution. So it's extremely important for me To get into those steps. If I want this way of life you know my sponsor has been clean for 40 going 46 years now and I asked him a few years ago uh you know when should an addict get into the steps and he uh told me as soon as possible you know and sometimes when it comes to the process you know some of us when we get here we don't know whether we're addicts or not so uh it's real important for those people to get uh introduced to the the readings before the first step we have some readings you know am I through using and all those things come before we get to the first step you know uh first step I'm polished over my addiction and my life is unmanageable well um you know before I got to Narcotics Anonymous I knew I was an addict and I didn't have a problem with it because I took care of my business and it's like you mind yours you know so I knew that I was a addict and you know by the time I got here it was obvious that uh you know my life was unmanangeable because when I first come to this process uh somebody directed me to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous they told me go over there to those meetings and they can help you so I got over to the went over to a meeting and uh I'm sitting in the meeting the first meeting and they says the first thing we do is stop getting high and it's like well that is not what I come over here for you know my life is all messed up and I need some direction up in here so I can get some of this pressure off you know because my story is is that uh you know years ago when I first started getting high I liked getting high when I got to Narcotics Anonymous I still like getting high the reality is that it just got to be too much work for me to get high you know and Narcotic Anonymous was a choice you know is is it worth that you know working 25 hours a day you know uh eight days a week it's just a little too much you know so I chose this way this way of life and it's worked so well you know uh you know when it comes to that first step it's like uh for uh one of the things one of things I'd planned on doing is I'd planed on getting into my getting into my literature so I could go over the step a little bit because you know I've been pretty busy and um you know how God works it'slike look brother you ain't gonna have time for that the day and you know it's not necessary because I do know that when it comes to the steps this uh it's another language it's a lifestyle you know people like me don't end up in the rooms of narcotics anonymous unless it's obvious that it's something wrong you know you know powerless over my addiction certainly you know that's why I ended up in narcotics Anonymous and for me you know I'm grateful that it is like when it come to this process it talks about how most addicts resist recovery well those steps are just like you know I'm one of those people that I'm afraid of the dentist you know and my teeth start hurting I'm not going to the damn dentist but once the teeth start hurting bad enough guess where I end up at at the dentist you know an awful grateful for the damn dentists when I go into that office I was in the dentist's office one time and she was behind me and she's behind me for a while so i'm trying to wonder what's going on back there you know trying to look over my shoulder and she comes around there she's got a needle about looked like it was about eight inches long and i said i said what are you getting ready to do with that guess what she was getting ready use it on me the bottom line is is that she uh gave me the anesthetic and whatever and when i left the dentist office i was still hurting but after a while the pain went away it's the same way with the steps if I choose to apply these steps in my life you know at some point the pain will go away you know and I really need to learn early on that this is not about a language it's about a lifestyle you know it's about a lifetime you know I was born an African-American male not to a wealthy family you know matter of fact when I was about seven years old they threw my family me and my eight brothers and sisters my mother and father threw our furniture out in the street and put us out of the house you know so it's obvious that I wasn't living too well as a child you know but the bottom line is is that you know I was born an African-American male you know went through some trials and tribulations wasn't born wealthy and what will happen is I'll die an African American male you know you know. I'm a lot better off financially than I was then but I'm still an African Mexican male same with the disease of addiction. I was born with this disease of addiction and i'll die with it that's just the way it is you know uh it's like i'm powerless over this disease i got it it's mine now what do we do about it you know we choose to apply the steps i'm powerless over my addiction but guess what my life is not unmanageable right now you know it's a little hectic but it's not non-manageble you know what i mean you know because just because i choose to plan the steps in my life don't mean that life doesn't show up and it doesn't mean I'm not a human being anymore I still you know one of the things that the process of recovery gives me is the ability to start to feel those feelings and identify those feelings you know and that's real important for me I'll go in in the second step you know what I hate this I hate this because I'm up there talking to an addict And he says, you're going to be all right. You're going be all and it's like, oh, yeah, no stuff, you know? And one of the things I know about speaking at, you know, when we stand up here and speak at Narcotics Anonymous, it's extremely important for me to be more interested in carrying a message than concentrating on, you know, who or how much time I got. Because one of things about this disease that's real tricky is that it will, we come into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. Most people like me will come into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and they'll take, and when I first get here, all I want to do is stop hurting. And after I get here instead of me watching the basic text, I watch the calendar. Yeah. I need to be watching the damn book, not the calendar because if I watch that basic text and use that thing, guess what? The calendar will take care of itself. You know? Instead of me counting uh how my recovery is going i'm counting the days and one of the things i'm coming up on anniversary next month i have another year clean and uh they show you how tricky this disease is and it happens to all of us i'm riding down the street and i've been cleaning for a few years for me and the disease starts me to thinking about right before whether i cop two 50s early in the morning or a 50 and a 20. Just up out of nowhere, you know? Up out of nowhere. But one of the things that recovery gives me the ability to do is identify that stuff because just because the thoughts came in, the feelings didn't come. Just because the thought's came, the feeling's didn't come. You know? And it's okay because that's why people like me keep coming back you know because it's like uh i know that as long as i keep coming back here i won't go back out there you know i've seen so many of us come in here and you know what narcotics anonymous is a uh this is a a process that's made up of the program and the fellowship two components that make up the process that are inseparable but boy i'll tell you what one supersedes the other by uh about 50 percent the program comes first you know it does because what it does it gives me the ability to identify who the hell i am so i can be okay with who you are you know what i mean it's real important you know because um you know its its almost impossible to stand up here and talk about the first second and third step and not mention other steps you know because in the eight step it talks about how it's better to understand than be understood you know in the second step a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity that is one of the most important steps of all the 12 because one ofthe things i heard an addict the other day this addict 10 or 12 15 years a bunch of years clean and they were talking about being stuck somewhere in the steps. And in the second step, it talks about how we go over this step with a minimum of concern only to find out later that the other steps just will not work. And the reason that is is because it's real important for me to identify the insanity. You know, I know this guy. I used to hang out with him regularly every day. I woke up one day. What woke me up is he was driving the car, and the car had hit a telephone pole, and it flew off a cliff. And that's what woke me up when it hit the telephone pole. The car hit the ground and tumbled all over the place. You know, I was with the same guy one day. We walked into a building, and he impulsively just kicked this case in and grabbed this case full of rings and ran out the damn building. And the guard ran out and emptied his gun trying to kill us you know I was with this guy several times and this guy uh uh ended up getting me fired I mean six or eight times you know just I mean just some I was mit this guy a few more times caused me to mess up relationships got me locked up you know and this is like is that now would it wouldn't it be insane for me to hang out with that guy today And I call myself a recovering addict Well guess what That guy was me That was me I'm the one who was driving that damn car When it went off that cliff I'm not the one I'm going to kick the damn case in and run out of there You know so it's real important For me to identify this insanity And not try to hang up in the literature We stay away from old people places and things That old person could be me And I need to identify that You know because In that second step It is so wonderful to have a step like that Because one of the things That run people like me Out of the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous Is holding on to the guilt and shame Of active addiction And even before I'm a child And I've been sexually abused Now I've grown into an adult And I'm still holding on To the guilt And shame And I was a victim It's insane I need to start identifying You know So where my part comes in and where my part ends. You know, my grandmother dying from cancer and I go in there and take her medicine and get loaded. She's in there suffering and I'm in there loaded. And I come into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and I get a few days clean and I start holding on to the guilt and shame of the things I did in active addiction. You know, I'm out there prostituting, breaking in, doing these different things and I want to hold on to that well you know what in that second step it talks about being restored to sanity so it's obvious that the actions that an addict like me commit in active addiction are those of an insane man i don't need to hold on to the guilt and shame of that guy that first walked into narcotics anonymous the only thing that is is the disease at work that's what it is And I don't need to feel guilty, especially if I am choosing the Narcotics Anonymous way of life. I don' t need to hold on to that. What I've learned about those things is that if I choose the Narcotics Anonymous Way of Life, then all of those experiences will become a gift to someone in the rooms of Narcotic Anonymous, as well as myself. How do I get up and tell a story if I don''t have one? so all of those experiences are so precious to us as individuals and i don't need to hold on to the guilt and shame of what happened before i got here if i'm choosing the narcotics anonymous way of life if i'M COMING IN HERE AND I'M TALKING THIS LANGUAGE BUT NOT LIVING THE LIFESTYLE where's the value it does not exist and i am so grateful that you know this for me has been uh you know it ain't always easy but it's always simple but i'll tell you something about narcotics anonymous for me it's been one of the easiest journeys of my life you know uh the basic text is a, what it is, the basic text is a cookbook. It's a recipe book. It'a recipe book for success. If I get a cook book and I want to make a cake and I follow those instructions to the letter it's a pretty good chance it'll come out just like it's supposed to. Well the basic text is the same way. If I use that basic text and follow it the way it's written, this thing works well and extremely well. You know, the problems that people like me have is wanting to still, after all I've been through, I want to do it my way. My way is what got me here. You Know What? I fly a lot. When I get on a plane, I don't give a damn how much fuel there's in it. I don' t care who's flying the damn thing. I don''t care how many passengers. I don't care what color they are, how much they weigh. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care how many engines it got. I don't care. I just don't care. All I want to do is take off safe and land safe. That's all the hell I want to do. It's the same way with Narcotics Anonymous. I don't know how the hell it works and I don't care. I just know that it does son of a gun here it got itself uh like i said run off of cliffs locked up all kinds of stuff so i'm not coming up in here trying to figure a damn thing out that's already been figured out i was in a meeting a few months ago and this newcomer says that my greatest character defect is i think too much boy did he hit the nail on the head people like me want to try to figure something out and the bottom line is is i don't need to figure nothing out it's already being done start the third step we turn our will into our life over the care of god as we understand god one of the most that is to me as an individual and see uh all of these steps can be precious you know according to you know where we are but the third step is the most precious step of all to me because that step made all of you people as well as the people i run into in that corridor and in that service station wherever it made all y'all be my family And it also gave me this It let me know that God didn't make no junk And what it did When I walked into my first meeting Of Narcotics Anonymous What it did, it said Welcome You are the prodigal son And we are the Prodigal sons and daughters That have made it back home Due to this process called Narcotic Anonymous the third step is the anchor step for me you know uh when I first got clean I was in a meeting and I was thinking to myself God if you allow me to stay here I'll never intentionally harm another human being and God has been real gracious and allowing me to keep that promise I didn't say people hadn't take what I said the wrong way and chose to be where they were but I've never intentionally harmed another human being since I've been a member of Narcotics Anonymous and that's because of that wonderful step you know um I am one of those people that like I said I knew I was an addict when I got here I had a God when I Got Here I was I was sitting up in the in the window one day with some partners of mine and we was doing it up I just took a hit and I was loaded I looked out the window and I looked over at them I said you know God is good they looked around like the light the lightning was going to strike the building all of us gonna get killed you know just because I made a choice to go into uh to get high and do the things that I do needed to do this to keep doing that don't mean that God went anywhere I'm one of those people I used to be a atheist years and years ago I wasn't an agnostic I was an atheist and would have got into it with you physically if you had to try to push God on me. If you're new in this process and you got a problem when it comes to God, one of the things we suggest is you look at God as good orderly direction. Yeah, because everybody don't have the understanding that we get to as we keep coming back, because they do tell us that what we know about the truth is subject to revision. You know, if you got three frogs sitting on a log and one of them decide to jump, how many you got left? That's right. Because we got one that decided but ain't none of them done a damn thing. You know I can come in here and decide to stay clean and not and keep going to the dope house. It ain't happening. It's when I stop the old behavior that the recovery starts. You know, I am so grateful that I have chosen to follow these steps as a way of life because you know what it's just like uh when it comes to human beings it's easier for us to smile than it is to frown because that's the way we're made that's where our muscles are made in our face you know it's the same way with recovery it's easy for me to recover than it is for me to go into active addiction if i get into the spiritual principles because i'm one of those people that i believe that as human beings we were made good i think i just made a bunch of bad decisions to get me to this point. When I first got to Narcotics Anonymous, I thought I got here because I got my butt tore up out in active addiction. What we know about the truth, subject to revision. The reason I stand up here at this mic today is because this is a journey that my higher power wanted me on. You know, each one teach one, each one reach one. My God wanted me to be here. Anybody that walks through their first meet the door of their first meeting of narcotics anonymous is a chosen one but just because i've been chosen for this journey don't mean that i have to continue to make the choice to continue this journey because that same loving caring high power that gave me the opportunity to come into the rooms of narcotic synonymous and learn how to live as a decent human being still gives me the right to make that decision to go back out there in active addiction or do whatever the hell I want to do. I am grateful that this process teaches me how to make those healthy choices, and it also teaches me that I don't have to make bad choices to be your friend. Because guess what? One of the things that the disease of addiction does better than any addict that I've ever run into in my life, it practices principles before personalities. It'll kill a man, it'll kill woman. It'll killer boy, it will killer girl. It'll kill a rich man and a poor man. It'll heal a rich woman and a poor woman. It'll cure anybody. It does not discriminate. But guess what? We come into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, and we'll look around, and we want to have a problem with one of our family. And you know what? And the real irony in that is that a lot of times when we have issues with one another, it's over something that we did ourselves. Isn't that insane? I'm going to pick on you about it, but I've done it. It's not what this is about. You know, making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God is one of the healthiest things I can do on any given day. And I'm not always successful with it. I'm just not. You know? Like I said, it's hard to talk about steps one and two and three without going to other steps. It's just almost impossible. You know. I was at the intersection about a few months ago. And I was minding my own business. I spit out the window and this lady And her boyfriend are in a nice shiny Black car She rolls down the window Did you spit on my car I looked over at her I said look woman I'm not thinking about that That car She said I said did you spit On my car I said Look damn it You better let me the hell alone Or else And she kept saying something I said if you don't let me alone I'm going to come over there break your damn neck and she said and then her boyfriend after i said that to her he get into the conversation you don't talk to my woman like that he had a neck brace on his neck i said if you don's shut the hell up i'm gonna come over there and finish breaking your damn neck anyway the guy looks at me and we's fussing back and forth and then i looked over at him i said how about this how about i apologize to you how about that he said that'll work my brother threw up the peace sign he went this way i went mine the bottom line is that that's that tenth step. When we're wrong, we promptly admit it. And when you get to that third step, making that decision, sometimes we don't always make the right decision. That's why when it comes to these steps, it is just absolutely unbelievable that this program is set up to give us the way to make up for any mistake that we make on any given day. You know, I am so grateful that I've been blessed. You know when I was out inactive addiction I made a lot of money a whole lot of money when I got here I got here in 92 and I drove up in a 91 Chevy truck that I bought brand new in 1990 and didn't have a job you know what I mean didn't have a damn job I'm buying new trucks doing all kinds of things you know so I got really blessed and also lost my train of thought too so but anyway When it comes to this process of recovery, one of the things I've learned is that if I hop into a stream and I swim with the current, I can go as fast as that damn current goes. And I won't get that tired flowing with the currently. If I hop in that stream and try to swim upstream, it won't be long before I get wore out and probably drown in the stream. It's the same way for recovery. If I choose to follow the spiritual principles of this process, not only is it one of the simplest things I've done, it's one of the easiest things. You know, I heard addicts say years ago, they used to say when people go out, they took the easy way out. And it's like, I was like, um, I've always been confused about that phrase. If it was that damn easy out there, what What the hell am I doing here? This is the easy way out. This is a place where survivors come. This is what the place where people, those little bitty children in those big bodies become grown adults. This is where we learn how to love one another and more importantly this is where we learn how to love ourselves thanks for letting me share all right we're going to move on to our second speaker thanks again charles uh for that message of recovery um our next speaker is uh kim I. She's from the northeast area, that's our area, she's an integral part of the Northeast area. Without further ado this is Kim I. I'm Kim and I'm an addict. I would like to have a moment of silence for the addicts who still suffering in and out of these rooms and the ones that haven't found their way here yet that moment of silence because somebody took it for me before I got here thank you I'm Kim and I'm an addict and I ain't confused today about that I think is ISNAC for asking me to come. I've shared at a lot of conventions and I don't know this year, I was just wondering why they want me again this year or you know, I was like what do I got different to say? You know and that's how I'm talking to my God you know and I do that a lot. You know that's I keep that conscious contact. You know, the first three steps I was wondering why they give us so many steps. I was like, why couldn't they just give us step one? You know have somebody share another two. You know this is how I talk to God you know that I come to understand in my life through this process. You know the first step but first without going to the steps I got for addict like me it says in the readings because the readings help me identify And if you're a new addict and this your first meeting or this your first convention and everything, and I thank God that they shared that in the speaker meeting last night that, you know, don't read along with the readings because a lot of times the newcomer can't hear the message before the speaker comes. You know what I'm saying? And the message was in the readings when I first got here because see, the readings helped me to identify that I was in the right place you know at the right time I knew was much my season I knew it was my season because when I walked in they say most of us don't have to think twice about this question we know our whole life and thinking was sitting in one drug for another to get it in using and finding ways and means to get more we live to use and used to live very simply an An addict is a man or a woman whose life is controlled by drugs. And I knew I was in the right place. I knew that I was going to be a good person. I knew where God was going send me back in 1988. He sent me to Kokomo, Indiana. When I heard that reading, I knew God did the right thing that I couldn't do for myself. I knew he sent me to the right places. I couldn' have found it on my own. I couldn't have. So I knew then that God was already there. He never left me. That first step, you know, it says we admit that we are powerless over our addiction and our lives have become unmanageable. That step wasn't hard for me. Actually, the first three steps wasn't harder for me, you now. I knew my life was unmanangeable. I knew I mean I had evidence I was on the streets I was living from pillow to post living in everybody else's house eating everybody else food sleeping on everybody else bed had nothing in my name so see I knew my life was unmanageable because even when I didn't want to be out there on the street I was still out there on the stree making that admission is very important it's very important and and it's like for the newcomer you have to have that admission once you admit then it comes you got some more behind that because people be like just make the admission yeah but along with that admission you gotta to surrender with it, you know? And then I found out through Narcotics Anonymous, surrender means not having to fight. And see, I fought all my life. I fought through everything. I thought everything that came my way, I thought. And when y'all told me surrender means not having to fight, oh, you talking about the freedom. See, I was supposed to come in here and share like y'all be like yaw you know because that was my whole life in thinking because i had to well shoot they had kids i got to get out there and have some kids somebody gonna help me to have some keys i gotta get married because so-and-so married they all married around me you know i thought i was supposed to be just like yall because if i wasn't something was wrong with me and that made my life unmanageable seeking after stuff that i saw y'all have because I thought I was supposed to have it but I thank God that I was able to make that admission for myself and I found the freedom through surrendering and that second step we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity whoo I thank him for the doors of narcotics anonymous cuz y'all became that power greater than myself I couldn't have found it on my own God was already forcing me and everything that I believed he still forced me to walk through them doors to sit in that meeting long enough for the seed to be planted. The power is greater than myself. If you don't know what your powers is, you're in trouble. Do you know how close you are to relapse if you don' t know the power, powers that's greater than you going on in your life? Take the time to identify some of the powers that's greater than you because like for addicts I think in getting away as soon as we walk out this dough see that's how the other power get to working on me I forget I'm an addict see I forget I'm like you. See, I'll forget that I can't use. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. And that's the thing about our thinking, that addiction, you know, it makes me forget that I'm an addict just that quick. And I heard people say, oh, I ain't gonna never forget I an addict you ain't met that day yet keep coming back okay this is gonna be a day where you just driving along your car everything is fine in your life you know everything is hunky-dory you got your bills paid the man's acting right or the woman you know and all of a sudden dang that beard look good up on that billboard whoo it is hot out here that's your thinking that's the insanity of it all it starts with my thinking and if I don't identify that my problem is me and my thinking I'm in trouble I'm in trouble so they say meetings strengthen our recovery and I got to understand regular you can put regular how do you want to put it but I go potty irregular every morning I brush my teeth regular every morning whoo I get that coffee regular every mornin I don't know how y'all identify but I hear people come up here and they got they regulars but the basic text makes it real simple for me regular they say we keep coming to meetings regularly will stay clean regular for me is I didn't use every other day I didn' t use just on the weekends I didn''t just use in the morning waiting for the afternoon to pass to do it at night I use regularly every hour that I can think even when I didn't have nothing in my hand didn't wasn't using none I used because I was still thinking of the using because I will scared to come down and I have nothing to follow it before I came down and saying they say an addict alone is in bad company. Woo! An addict sitting up in their mind, you could be in a room full of people and be isolated in your mind from your thinking. No, I ain't like them. My story ain't go like that. They shot it up. That wasn't me. You know, I just sold it. I'm the one that gave it to them. Shoot, I ain't got no problem behind that. Shoot, I know I'm in the wrong place. Why are you sitting here? You must have thought you had a problem or you wouldn't be here or somebody else thought you had the problem and sent you here. But see, we all, we got evidence. It's up to us to look at the evidence. The first step, show me I had evidence that my life was unmanageable the second step tells me that yes you got some sanity but here see before I go to the third step God showed up actually in the second Step two because I used to think he just showed up and see everything is subject to revision I always thought at the in my recovery that guy came in in the third step he was already there but he really showed up in the second step you know what I'm saying because see he was higher than what he sent me to which was y'all because he said see you can't come to me right now because you haven't recognized the insanity that's going on in your life and guess what I'm gonna put you in a room with some diversity people people you wouldn't have never went around and they're going to tell you about you. Then they're going to give you a book and then people give me a book and tell me to read it. It's the basic text. If you ain't ready, give yourself a chance and read it and I read it And I was like, I ain't confused. Okay, y'all wrote a book about me. Who gave y'ALL my story? Then I thought, okay, God tripping. See, he had already wrote this out before I got here. He already had it planned. And I thought I was doing something. See, that's how I knew I wasn't hired because God already had people write it out. and I thought I was going to be the writer of my own story. I dared them tell my story, and I wasn't here. How they know? See, I could no longer. They say we can't in there somewhere in the literature. It say we Can No Longer Be Ignorant. See, there you go. See, I can't come in here and act like I wasn'T introduced. that I didn't hear, that somebody didn't show me, that I wasn't told, that I wouldn't showed, you know? I can't act like it. Cause see, acting like it, it's gonna whoop my butt in recovery. See, I can come in here, act like its okay to still be insane because I'm not there yet. I dare he make me work on too many things at one time Because, see, I'm going to justify it. One too many, a thousand never enough. See, I only supposed to work on one thing at a time. Who said so? That ain't written. He didn't tell you you wasn't going to work on too many things at one time. He's showing you all the insanity. And guess what? If he show it to you, guess what, all that you're supposed to be working on right now. Whew. Faith is the second step. Faith, believing in something I can't see, I ain't felt. Because, see, I didn't feel God when I first got in here. See? Whew! He said I didn' t know him. So he showed me y'all. Get to know them. I show up and that's how I got to know that's why I was introduced back to my God of my understanding in the third step see he was like okay now you're ready see cause you got some willingness now you got some willingness to find out who I am and what I've been doing in your life and how I brought you this far cause you ain't did nothing you wasn't in control of nothing it was a plan they say a grateful addict won't use but a humble addict won't either I thank him for humbling me every day me and god had a long talk upstairs this month last night this morning and i wept because see i can feel today and i thank him for showing up in my life and today yes i feel my god's presence because i have a spirit that is awakened now and I keep the flames burning every time I show up in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and I become willing to give what y'all freely gave to me I thank him for using me because sometimes that ego still want to come up and say what? I done gave and done all my service work I'm a do I've been here long enough let some of the new people get involved God have a way of whooping my butt okay he whooped me so bad this time I couldn't do nothing but recommit this morning I had to my life is at stake I don't care how many years how many days and months you got clean. They say anybody with substantial clean time don't become complacent. That is the red light indicator that something is wrong. Get with God on a regular basis. Come to know the God of your understanding, not your sponsor. Not your best friend because you don't know what God's best friends holding on to. You better find you a God of your understanding come to know him for yourself you know because it's gonna be some nights their phone call ain't gonna be just enough but they say the best weapon against our disease thinking is another recovering addict and sometimes that's how my God speaks to me as he speak through another addict and I ain't even got to say something sometimes sometimes somebody will just call me and say you were in my spirit what's going on and that opens the door for me to get with God because sometimes I just can't say what's going on I don't know but I thank him for showing up in my life again he been there but he reintroduced himself to me because I became willing And I trust him today. Last year, I went through two surgeries. I was listening to the speaker last night, and he was talking about how after he came out of that anesthesia, that he still had that thought of using. See, that's how I know my thinking. But see, in times of illness, if you ain't went through it yet, read the pamphlet before you go through in times of illness. Okay? Because if it ain't came to your door, it's on the way. Prepare yourself before the time of illness come. And I thank God for our literature that I prepared myself before it came And I said, God, I'm going to follow it to the front of the pamphlet, to the back of the Pamphlet. And I'm gonna do everything you say in it because I'm believing you and I'm trusting you. And I've said, I don't, I ain't never been sick in my life. And then one year they tell me I got this, this, and this and I have to have two surgeries. Okay, Lord, when they put this in me, I'm trusting you to bring my thinking back to my right mind. Bring me back to my right mind because see I haven't had a drug in my body in 18 years so that scared the hell out of me to know that somebody is going to inject me here. I'm signing my name for somebody to put something in my buddy that I said I would never use and I talked about my fears and I went to my sponsor and I wrote about my fears and the last person I got with was God before they put me under and I told him I'm trusting you to bring me to my right mind when I come out of it see I gotta talk about the immediate results. See, I can't come in here and act like y'all because God gave me some immediate results from the beginning to the end. He's still giving me immediate results. I had a surgery called a hysterectomy that women might identify with and usually you lay it up from six to eight weeks. God got me up in two. okay I had a shoulder surgery yeah I'm getting a lot of pain mmm this program and them steps make it bearable I don't need a drug freedom that comes behind knowing that I don't have to drug my pain today with nothing man, sex money, I don' t have to drug it today my God is so good And see, I talk about this because, see, I need to hit so I can keep pressing on because today's meditation was relapse. And it said in there, it's not just talking about the drug, it's talking about a spiritual relapse! Mmm! I don't know if y'all ever had a spiritual relapse, but I don' t want to go back there because see I've had one where your spirit shut down on life I don't want that type of relapse anymore so I recommitted myself to Narcotics Anonymous to my life and to my God that I've come to understand and I thank him I thank him with everything in me I didn't know what I was going to share about today. And I'm like, what you bring the book for? I don't know, just in case I forget something. He's like, What you going to forget? And it is the whole time God talking to me. What you go forget? You can't forget your story. I don' t know. But like I said, that thinking, there it go again, thinking that I'm in control. And I thank him for showing up, showing out, and I hope somebody got a message that any addict can lose the desire and find a new way to live. any addict, that means any one of us I don't care what walk of life you came from any addict includes you too and if ain't nobody told you today, I love you and keep coming back I'm an addict named Jeff. We do have a little more time, and per the format here, they said we should open up the mic. So anybody who would like to come up and share on steps one, two, and three, the mic is now open. I just wanted to share real quick that I completed I said I just wanted to show you I just want to share real quick that when I was had just recently been I'd just been recently put away for a while and then that showed me how I was powerless recently I had been locked up and it showed me you know because I had experienced some consequences for my addiction that I couldn't do it and not get caught in how my life was unmanageable. And, you know, I started reading on that and sort of completed step one. And then because I had no one to talk to or anything like that, uh, my parents wouldn't talk to me. I had to, uh—I didn't want to feel alone at all. So, you Know, I had to develop a relationship with someone and there was nowhere there to talk too. So I started talking to God and trying to develop relationship with him and then I you know accepted them into my life and so I think you know I just completed the first three steps and I'm you know ready for the fourth one and that's all I've got