Julie Started the Steps at 10 PM — by 4 AM We Were on Our Knees for the Third Step Prayer – Audrey C.

Hey guys, my name is Audrey Chapman. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi Audrey. Hello, welcome. Where are the family members? They're like, oh, where is the family? Raise them high. I'm not asking where the drunken adult teams are. All right, welcome. We are so glad to have you here. Let me just say that we wouldn't be here without the family members. We just wouldn't. There's a lot of us that would be gone today. So thank you so much for what you all have done and for showing up and being a part of the residents recovery. That's such a cool, cool deal. I mean, I've sat in that chair too, so I'll tell you all about that too. If Al-Anon had a draft, they'd be after me. I mean, there's so many of them. But anyway, like I said, I'm a recovered alcoholic. I am honored to be here tonight and to tell my story. I'm going to talk a little bit about what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous and Drug Addicts Anonymous that I just absolutely adore. And I wouldn't have told you that. Eight years ago, I didn't come through these doors pleased to be here. You know, Marcia and I are very, very different people, and it's an interesting dynamic that we've created. Marcia came through the door and, like, busted it in, right? Turning car wheels, being real crazy and loud, and you knew she was here. That's not how I came on the scene. I'm very shy, very quiet, and very deceitful, and I will slide in the back door, stand in the corner, assess the situation, and then play my cards. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. that I drink. I drink because I'm bodily, mentally different than my fellow man. I just am. I'm also driven by an internal condition that, untreated, I will pick up a drink over and over and over. And you residents know exactly what I'm talking about because you hear it all the time. It's taught in Big Book. If you're a family member and you don't have a Big Book, let me encourage you to buy one. Read it. See what this thing's about. It's vital information on why we do what we do. We are a different breed of people, are we not? So many family members are sitting back scratching their head and going, seriously? I get that. I get that. And I did that for a long time until my alcoholism took me to a place where I was the one doing those things and living that way. So I grew up in a small town out in East Texas. Do you guys know where Sulphur Springs, Texas is? Anybody want to admit it? This one over here? Little bitty town. They got the Walmart. It was like big doing. I grew up on a dairy. I mean, it just was a hot mess. But it was a lot of fun. I grew up in a house full of love, but alcoholism was ever-present. And when I was six years old, my mother made the decision to leave my father. And what's so sad about that is that she will tell you to this day that he's her soulmate, that she absolutely loved him and adored him, still would consider him a best friend. But that's what alcoholism does. It devastates. It destroys everything around us. It just does. And so we left as a result of his drinking. And my mother's thought process was, if I can get my child out of this situation, hopefully she won't be one of them. And so she attempted to coddle me and mold me and rule me into being this person and to keep me from the alcoholism. And you know how that goes. And lo and behold, it just happened. And so she remarried. My father remarried. I grew up with step-siblings, half-siblings. And I grew up with a lot of family members. And I was kind of back and forth between mom and dad. And the fact was, I have a family that loves and adores me and fought over who got to spend more time with me. The feeling was I was the child from the first marriage who got lost in the shuffle. And that's how my alcoholism deluded me from day one. Anybody else in here a victim? Murder? Right? I'm going to tell you, it was like, well, I understand. My parents were divorced. I came from a hard life. And it's just like, really? I remember my mom telling me one time, Audrey, you're not the one who got divorced. You're not the one who lost your soulmate. And I'm like, right, right. That's true. It just felt devastating. You know, but it's like, I can't see what's in front of me because I'm so delusional and self-centered. I make everything about me. Anybody? Anybody else? Right? Just, even if it's just close to me, I'm going to make it about me. And so I grew up that way that I was depressed, severe anxiety disorder. I have issues around food. I mean, I just, like, all turned in on myself all the time in a huge way. I've always felt a little bit separate then. You guys know what I mean by that? Like, you walk in the room and everybody shouts your name. I mean, they don't know you. It's like, cheers. Right? I mean, they don't know you. They're trying to connect with you and trying to interact, and I'm still alone. What is that about? It's about an internal condition that separates me from everyone else. And I was always like that. Always, always. I remember being the kid at the slumber parties that would go and hide in the closet, and it'd be pissed when nobody came to find me. Nobody's even noticed. And it was just like, they're playing games. Get out of the closet. You're a mother. You know? And it was just out of my mind. And so it wasn't until I discovered alcohol and drugs when I was about 15 years old, and I'm in a back alley. We had moved to Denton, which is about a two-hour-ish drive from Sulphur Springs. So my dad stays in Sulphur Springs with his wife and his other daughter and stepbrother and family and my mom and stepdad and I and other, you know, we all go over to Denton. And I'm doing this back-and-forth game, and I'm trying to fit in in the schools, and I can't seem to make that work. My mom sent me to a private Christian school. I was having issues with the girls at school running that mouth. And so she sends me to a private Christian school, and she's all the time trying to mold me and set me up for success and put me on the right path and give me opportunities. And I bust through every one of them. I'm damned if you tell me who I'm going to be. You know, it's just, I can't seem to accept what's been given to me. Just that arrogant. That arrogant. Anybody else that's looking at me is going, baby, you've got it laid out. But I'm so arrogant, I won't touch it. So I'm in this school district. I'm not happy. Things are not going well. And it's not that I'm not capable. I excel in sports. I excel in school. People want to be my friend. But I'm constantly giving everybody the pushback. I'm in a back alley with a little boy from down the street, and the first time alcohol hit the back of my throat, and I could breathe. I could breathe. And I'm with my stepsister. Like I said, I think we're 14. 15, something like that. I held off for a very long time compared to some of you people. Y'all had your first drink at 2. I'm like, whew. No, my mama was clocking me. Don't want you to end up like your daddy. And so we're out there, and all of a sudden I'm able to connect to this guy, and I'm able to connect with my stepsister in a manner which I had never experienced. Never. And I remember stumbling back over to the house with my stepsister and saying, man, is this what? Is this what being loaded feels like? And she's like, yeah, this is it. I'm going to tell you something. My intention was not to go way past the mark. It wasn't, it wasn't, I was trying to escape stuff. I was trying to get right. Do you guys know what I mean by that? I'm trying to settle in my own skin. And a couple of drinks will do that for me. But I continue to drink more and more. I'm not really sure what that's about at that point in time, but it's what happens. And so I continue to get loaded as often as I can. And I'm not sure what that's about at that point in time, but it's what happens. I can't without anyone finding out, which is how I like to roll. I don't know about y'all, but I like to drink without consequence. Anybody know? Didn't pan out that way. But that's what I'm attempting to do. And so I do this off and on through high school. And mind you, I'm showing up for Bible study. I'm showing up for chapel. I can quote the scripture. I put on the game face and I can be pleasant and do what I need to do. And I'm dying inside. Absolutely dying inside. At this point in time, bless you, baby. My father. My father got sober. Very easily distracted. My father got sober when I was, I guess, like middle school, something like that, fifth, sixth grade. And by sober, I mean he went to Charter Hospital. Remember when those were on the scene? Right? So he went to Charter Hospital. He dried out, took some vitamins. We went over family days, did football rounds, good times. So he gets sober. And he goes to AA, goes to a bunch of meetings, doesn't get a sponsor, doesn't work any steps. And so he's like stark raving sober. He's like, whoo! Okay. Mr. Chapman needs a drink. But anyway, so he's doing that whole game. And then at some point, he relapses. I don't realize it's a relapse because in my mind, as a young person, if somebody had a problem with alcohol and they're no longer drinking, they're no longer an alcoholic. I didn't understand the concept that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, the disease will continue to progress whether or not I pick up a drink. It was a new concept for somebody like me. I used to say my father used to be an alcoholic. He picked up a drink. He picked up a drink and he hooked a hard left after seven years without a drink. So we began to drink together, which has caused big problems in that side of the family. And so what happens is that he gets really bad really quick. I'm in my late teens, early 20s, and things have started to get weird for me. I graduated from high school and decided that I needed to go away, you know, that whole game. Like, it's... I just need to get away from these people. Y'all are just stressing me. And I just need a new environment and a fresh start and a change of pace. And that's going to do it. And the problem with that is, is wherever I show up, I show up full force on the scene with an internal condition. And I can change all my people, places, and things, but I'm still me. And I'm still irritable. Everybody and everything irritates me to death. The way you breathe is obnoxious to me. You need to chew so loudly. It's like... Right? It's like I'm constantly, like, on the verge of that one real quick, sharp, you know, thing that you shouldn't say. I'm always fighting that kind of deal. I'm restless. I can't sleep. And when I do sleep, it's not good sleep. I can't ever shut the mind down. And the only thing that seems to kill that is alcohol. And I'm discontent. I'm consistently saying things like, I'll be happy when... I'll be okay if... I and Z could just all fall into place and stay. And what's weird about that is that even when all of that lines up and the stars are just right and my ducks are in a row and it's all magical, I'm unhappy. And I get loaded. And it just consistently seems to be a problem for me. And so I go off to school thinking this is the fresh start. We go to a Baptist university. All right. We go to a Baptist university with the good kids. Because I know... Intuitively, there is something to spirituality. I know innately that I'm drawn to that. But there's a block and a hindrance that I can't figure out what it is. I'm a woman that could sit in the church in awe of the stained glass windows, wrote the scripture, and know for sure I will be loaded by something. If I'm down. And so I can't quite figure out what it is that... These kids are happy. They absolutely love God. They absolutely are excited about education. They're excited about being here. They're excited. And I'm like... I hate every last one of y'all. You know? I just... God almighty. I'm having to sneak off campus just to smoke a Marlboro. You know what I mean? I'm like... Oh, this has got to go. And so, you know, one more time I call my mother. Hey, you know, this isn't really working for me. I've done a year here. I'm putting my time. And in a private education, one more time, I demand the best. You know? And haven't earned any of it. Let's be clear about that. Haven't earned any of it. I feel it's my God-given birthright. Oh, you have money? Then it's my money. How? Really? Yeah. That's what I thought. How absolutely arrogant of me. So, my grandfather moves me back, moves me into an apartment back in Denton, which is a good place to try to get your stuff together. Denton. God. Fry Street. Anyway. Some of you know. So, I'm back in Denton, and I was, you know, I just need to go to community college. That's the way to go. I need to change all my friends. I need to change. La, la, la, la, la. Go work at a daycare. Right? I'm like sweating out bourbon, chasing little kids. But I adore kids. I do. And I didn't really know that. And I fell in love with this little boy named Hayden. He was, I guess, one year old, year and a half, something like that at the time. And I fell in love with him. It was the first time that I felt maternal about a child who was not one of my siblings. And it was like, oh, my God, I could get excited about being a mom someday. I could get excited about marriage. I could get excited about normal people's stuff. And I just love this little boy. And so I'm working at this daycare, and I'm going to school, kind of. And I'm babysitting him. I'm like a nanny at this point. Like at nights and weekends, I nanny for this little boy. And progressively, things begin to get worse. I can't quit drinking. And when we go out with people. And they're having the fun cocktails, you know what I mean? The pretty ones. They're all full of sugar. I'm like, there's not even a lot of alcohol in there. But whatever. I'm eating a straw. But I'm like, I need to figure out a system. And I'm very systematic about the way I drink. You know, I'll get with that. I got my drinks beforehand, the drinks that are allotted in public. And then the drinks afterwards. And then I'm going to have to smoke some weed before I go to bed. I'm going to have to take some sleeping pills. I'm going to have to. I mean, it's got to all be situated. It's got to be situated just so. And if any little component is out of whack, I'm going to lose it. Right. And so I never ran out. Never. I don't have any experience with that. And people are like, I just ran out of alcohol. I'm like, really? You didn't think that through? I mean, I was stocked up. I might be on the blood. I lived alone. I moved out of this apartment. And my grandfather builds a house. And I had a couple little roommates. I ran them off eventually. And I lived alone. And I hid alcohol. Right. I'm like constantly stockpiling this stuff. And I won't ever let anybody borrow my pipes. Nope. These are my cousins. You know, that one cousin that you borrow my stuff from. Can't ever loan anything out. No, we can't use that stuff. No, you can't have any of this. And then people, oh, let's share. Let's share a bottle. I'm like, no, no, baby. I'll buy you one. But we're not sharing. I like to drink with girls. They want to share everything. We want to share together at the same time. I'm like, no, no, no. When you go to the bathroom, I'm going to get another shot. So anyway, so I'm living in this house. And I eventually stopped going to school because it just becomes difficult. You know, I just can't show up for things on time. And when I do, I am a wreck. I'm having to tell the professor that I have mono, you know, because I shuffle in and I look rough. Some of y'all do the alcohol and dope thing and you don't look that bad. Now, I do. It's very obvious when I go off the chain. And I used to show up at my parents' house and, like, let their garage door up in the middle of the night and steal alcohol from them and then leave. And then I go over during the middle of the day and take food from them. And my mom is very, she has always been very social. She was in a sorority. She's still in a sorority. She's, like, in her late 50s. They still meet. It's, like, legit. I don't know anything about that. So I would show up and she'd be having, like, tea parties. And, I mean, oh, my God. I would shuffle in, like, freaking. My hair looks crazy. I haven't worn makeup in forever. And she'd shuffle in and kind of look at them and go to the kitchen and take food. And it's, like, you could see the embarrassment. Or she's, like, this is my oldest daughter. She's a disaster. You know, she didn't say that, but she wanted to. It's just very embarrassing. And I began to compromise who I was as a human being. I began to do things that are unacceptable. And I began to compromise who I was as a human being. And I began to compromise who I was as a human being. And I began to compromise who I was as a human being. And it's weird how you can have, like, those, like, the big word calls them moral and philosophical convictions galore. And it's like a standard. It's set them right and wrong. What's okay and what's not okay. And I began to compromise those in full force. I stopped paying bills. I stopped turning on lights. I start taking things that don't belong to me, including, you know, your man. You know, it's like I suddenly have no value. It's whatsoever. And let me tell you, that's not who I am. It's really not. And it's not how I was raised. And it's not who I wanted to be. And it was the kind of person that I judged and that I talked about. And all of a sudden, I'm looking in the mirror, and that's who I've become. I'm fully supported by finances that don't belong to me. And I've been very, very incredibly selfish and dishonest about that. And so I eventually, like I said, I lived with these guys. I don't know why I thought that was going to be. I don't know if it was going to be a good idea. But a couple of guys that I'd gone to high school with, I thought it would be fun to live in a house with them instead of living with girls. And what started off being cute about how much I could drink started getting embarrassing. And towards the end of it, they had just had enough. And I lived on a urine-stained mattress constantly. I mean, it just got very sick and very weird. It always gets really quiet. All the normal people in the room are like, oh, my God. She sleeps in urine. Yeah. Yeah. All the time. And it just was. And that was the thing that I feared the most is I didn't want to be what my father had become. And I don't just mean an alcoholic. But when people would talk about him, they'd go, oh, yeah, Mr. Chapman. He lost his career, and he lost his wife, and he lost his child. It's very sad. And they pitied him. And I was like, I will never be that person. And then all of a sudden, I overhear it. People talking about me and the way that I live my life and going, I don't know. I don't know. It's sad. And I'm just like, oh, God. I have become that person. But there's absolutely nothing that I could do about it. I begin to try to rein it in. You all know what I mean by that? I'm not trying to quit. I'm just trying to reel it in a little bit. And it's impossible to do that. And when I do pull it off, it's like nails on a chalkboard. I am unhappy without alcohol or drugs in my life. I just say it. And so it's at this point in time that I begin to get in trouble because I don't know what it is. It's about me. When I get loaded, I've got somewhere to be. I need to be in the car. And it was just pitiful. I had nowhere to be. Nobody wanted to see me. And people had stopped answering my phone calls long ago. They'd done an intervention on me. Anybody else in here had an intervention done on you? That's good times. They thankfully picked a spokesperson who lived in Chicago. And so they did it via telephone. This was stupid. It was stupid. So they call me and I'm like in the back of a pickup truck with a couple of guys and we're drunk and high. And they're saying, okay, here's the situation. We're doing an intervention. I'm like, nothing will sober you up like the word intervention. And I'm like, listen, let me stop you before you even get there. I have had a problem. And I want to go ahead and admit that. But I've reined it in. I understand. And I'm just like out of my mind, right? And I convince them everything's going to be okay. I mean, just the level. The level of dishonesty. And I'm like kind of listening to the conversation and watching these two guys like interact with each other in this real bizarre manner. We're in a graveyard. Like, that's my life. And they're like, oh, my God, I'm getting an intervention via telephone at the graveyard. So anyway, it gets real weird. And I'm driving around all the time. These guys have gone away. These people in general have gone. They've gone away. And I live to get loaded. I don't come out during daylight hours. I keep very dark, weird hours. I wake up at 5 p.m. I go to bed at 5 a.m. Don't ask me to do anything like go to the grocery store and get my oil changed. I don't know how to be around people. I stopped going to the grocery store because I just couldn't handle it. And my mom would go and get food and she would drop it off at my house. And it just got very pitiful. And that's how I live my life. And I sat in the garage and I changed smokes and I drank and I hated you. And that's what that looked like. I wasn't sure who I hated more, you or me. I couldn't decide. But that's what I spent my time pondering. And when nightfall, I would drive the backcountry roads and listen to music in a dark depression. And throw beer bottles out the window and get high. And I did what I did. And that happened for a very, very long time. Until. Gosh. 2003, 2004. And people reached out to me and tried to help me. I had lied. I stopped going around people. So it was very easy to lie over the phone and tell them I'm still in school. I'm still working. I'm still doing stuff. And they kept me in a very good moment, like in a small window. I could convince them. So when my dad's health began to fail due to his alcoholism, my stepmom called me and said, we're going to have to do an intervention on your dad. And I'm like, I'm on it. You know? I'm like, wow. You know? But I'm like, I'm in it to win it with this. And so I'm like, I still have an email of God. I read it not long ago within this past year. And it was like telling her, like, you know, we just need to pray like we've never prayed before. And we need to come together. And this will be OK. And it's like, what are you saying? Look at the way you're living your life. But I am an absolute liar. I live a double life. And the reality is I didn't know that there was a different way. For me, I could see that you people were doing it successfully. You were living these lives where you were happy. You were free. And you were lighthearted. And you laughed things off. And it was just the weirdest thing I'd ever seen. But I knew that that would never be the case for me. So I go home to do this intervention on my father. Me and the pastor. And the pastor wants to blame my father for my drinking. And I'm like, I'm not bored with that. You know? If we can pin anything. Anything on anybody else. I will sign up for that. And mind you, my father is my closest friend. Love and adore that man. Absolutely do. But if you come close to my drinking, I'll roll over on you like that. I mean, in any other circumstance in life, I'll take the blame. I mean, like I said, I'm a martyr. I'm like, oh, that was me. Let's just find a solution and move on. I will absolutely take the blame. You look at my drinking and want to come at me, I'll roll over on you. And so we go home to do this intervention. And I'm watching him. He's standing in the... He's loaded, but he's not drunk. And we can't figure out what he's on or what he's doing. And he's too messed up to do the intervention. And he's standing in the back bedroom. The master bedroom is on the end of the house. And I walk back there and kind of sneak up on him. And I'm watching him. And it's like the weirdest thing I've ever seen. And he's standing in the mirror and he's talking to himself. And he's doing that thing where he sways and he talks to himself. And he's trying to psych himself. You know what I'm saying? Like, make yourself feel better. And I'm thinking... He... He's 50 at the time. He's 49, 50. And I'm 22. And I'm thinking, I could make it. Like, not the drinking's going to kill me. It's about to. I'm physically almost as bad as him. But I'm thinking, what if I made it to 50? Continuing to live the way that I live. I'd rather die. I'd rather die. And that was the fear that kind of sank in. Like, oh my God. This could never end. Ever. It could go on forever. And I've already reconciled with the fact that my life was going to be like this sickness that I'd already lived in. But I didn't expect to live forever. I'd already picked out funeral songs. Right? I mean, I was expecting to die at some point in the very near future in my early 20s. And it frightened me to think that, oh my God, I could live to be 50 this way. And I remember I left his house and I got out on the backcountry roads. And I... And I called my mother, who I feared. I feared. She's got a master's degree. She was in the Miss Texas pageant. She can do anything she sets her mind to. Bright, beautiful, determined woman. I could never measure up to her. Ever. And I remember I called her and I just... She said, how did the intervention go? How's your dad? Is everything okay? And I said, Mom, I'm an alcoholic and I need some help. And as soon as those words flew out, I went, oh dear God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, because I had gone to her for help before. Mom, I'm drinking. Things are out of control. There's bad situations going on. I don't know what to do. And her answer for that was, Audrey, you need to knock it off. Which sounds like a viable solution, doesn't it? We can grow up. Make better decisions. Get responsible. Make a better choice. And so I'm armed with that decision. And I can't pull it off. And I fail over and over and over wondering, why? So I say these words to her. And she said, we need to do something. And I'm like, absolutely. I've got to go somewhere. Like, I need some help. I'm not attending school. I'm not working. I don't know about y'all, but when I can't work, what I do is I go work for my family. Because you don't have to show up, but you can still draw a paycheck. It's a beautiful thing. So I say. I stopped showing up at their agency a long time ago. But I was continuing to draw income very dishonestly from them. Always promising. I have to get a stomach ache. Oh, I've got this. Oh, I've got that. I can't even tell you. Like, the round of doctor's visits where they do the endoscope and go down. And we're trying to figure out what's wrong with their stomach. It's a vomiting vodka on them. You know? Oh! Problem. So she's like, Audrey, I need you to stay sober and come home. And we're going to figure this out. And I'm like. And we're going to have to do something. I don't know what that looks like. And we'll have to do something. So I go home and immediately get loaded. The very thought of never taking a drink again is horrifying to me. It horrifies me almost as much as the thought of continuing to drink the way that I drink. And so I go back and get loaded the way I get loaded. And we decide that I need to go somewhere and be confined for a period of time. Because I am not somebody. And this happens. I have sponsors. I have women like this. I have friends like this. They can come in off the street inside the rooms and get sober and stay sober. And that's a beautiful thing. I'm not knocking that. I am a woman who can't stay away from it for a day. I mean a day. And so I'm like willing to go away somewhere. I'm like, please take me somewhere. I can't do this. And so my mom's looking through the back of a phone book. A Denton phone book. And we find this facility down in South Texas. And so we. I think it's like on a Monday we decide to do this. And on Thursday is the day of check-in. We have that small. Small little window of about to go to treatment time. And I didn't know you could show up at treatment loaded. I was so angry when I got there. Two-day drive with my mother. A little overnight action. Nothing in my system. Right? I'm just like detoxing on the way down. And my mom was like so positive. And cheerful. I'm like, oh my goodness. It's going to be fabulous. You're going to find out what you're drinking. It's going to be like summer camp. I'm like, I hate summer camp. I hate people. I'm like, please don't try to be positive about this. And I'm real clear I drink because of you. So we don't need to. I'm like, I'm very clear about that. You know, like I understand what's happening. Michelle, I'm down there. Everyone's loaded. I'm angry. Get out of the car. And I'm one of those girls. But I will, like Marsha, I will bite the inside of my mouth until I bleed before I cry in front of you. I just won't. I just won't. And it's a funny thing that happens when you remove the solution from my life. I come unglued. It's a funny thing with family members, isn't it? You get them here. You remove the substance and think, this is going to be great. And they lose their minds. Because you removed the only solution that we have. And we were just losing. So I remember I'm crying to the intake nurse. And I'm like, who's a male intake nurse? And I'm just like, I don't know if I can do this. And I'm scared. And you know how they are. They just shuffle you in like cattle. You're fine, baby. Go on. And I remember my mom saying, she later told me this. She said, I told them when they were back there doing the strip search. She's fabulous. And all that stuff that you are sensitive. You get to be easy with this one. And she is sensitive. She said they looked at her and said, oh, honey, they all are. They're all sensitive. We sell to her. So I get down there. They begin to talk about the solution to alcoholism and drug addiction in a way in which I had never heard it. I had been to some meetings, court ordered. And I figured out you could sign your own paper. And I was like, no. I had my mom sign in my paper. She signed it all. And I was all in the same handwriting and the same color pen. I was like, really, though? You couldn't throw a left hand in there? I'm going to judge looking at this. Get with it. Anyway, so I had a couple of weird experiences in AA where I showed up. And somebody told their story one night. And then another night, it was like a topic meeting. And it was very bizarre. And there was not, I don't know. There was a solution in the room. I didn't hear it. But again, I wasn't searching for it. I was there at that time. So when I got there, I wasn't there for AA. I wasn't there for 12 steps. I was there to get some separation from my problem, get on a treadmill, start taking some vitamins, get some sleep, do these kinds of things. And they started talking about the big book and the solution. And I'm like, hold up. Are you saying that I'm not a bad person? Are you saying that I don't do this because I don't care about myself or the people around me? And they started talking about the allergy in my body. And I'm thinking, oh, my God. I'm not allergic to alcohol. I can put it away. This is not a problem for me. And then they go on to explain this phenomenon of craving. And I'm like, that's why I do what I do. That's why when you guys leave, I continue to drink. That's why when I'm on the floor and I can't walk or speak, I'm searching for another drink. I remember being arrested one time. They said, you shouldn't be able to stand your blood alcohol level. Yeah. Much less drive. And I'm like, buddy, I've got a case waiting for me at the house. I'm not even done. Because my body demands that I have more and more. And then suddenly things begin to click into place. And this inability to make a decision and stick with it around staying away from alcohol for good for all. And I'm like, oh, my God. And that's why Dad does what he does. And it just clicks. I'm sick. You know? And it was probably some of the best information I had ever heard. Ever gotten. Ever gotten. Because it meant that if there was a problem and I wasn't just a piece of you-know-what, there might be a way out for me. I didn't believe that there would be, but I was willing to do some searching for it. They gave me the number of a woman in Dallas named Julie. And she was here last month. She was here. She prayed. And she was born there. Good. They said, who? Who? You need to call this lady when you get back to Dallas and let her sponsor you. Let her take you through the work. And I got excited about sobriety. I'm listening to speaker tapes. I mean, I'm burning them up. I got a big book I'm highlighting. I mean, it's just like, oh, my God. A whole new world came into view. And I get home because it's like a bubble here. Right? I get home and life looms large. I have created a storm. And it's waiting on me. And I get home. And I'm a broken, fragile child. A child at 22 years old. A body that is just worn out. And I show up at this group called Primary Purpose in Dallas. And there's 100 people there. I don't do people. Right? And I'm like, oh, God. And when I first got sober, I always wore a baseball hat. And I would pull it down over my eyes so I didn't have to look at you. I wouldn't make eye contact. I didn't speak. I was very bizarre. I remember when I went back to the student center for an annual reunion, they didn't know who I was. Because I would slide in the back door and sit down. And I would never speak. I would never say anything. Julie was voted worst patient ever. No, I'm just kidding. But she was, like, least likely to succeed or something like that. They would kick her down on the golf cart, just like you women that run down this hill. We changed some of y'all, too. I remember. Tracy's good. Tracy always catches them. You know what I mean. She's good. She's good. So I get back to Dallas. And I hear Julie speak. And she is powerful. And it scared me to death. I was like, I don't know about all this. But as time progressed, and I wasn't doing the work, I got worse. Away from a drink. It was the most bizarre thing I had ever seen. I was still scared of what you thought. I still had no ambition. I was still frightened to speak to people. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to do anything. And it just all of a sudden clicks. Like, I'm getting ready to get loaded. I spent six months crazy inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous early on. And at six months sober, I can't decide. Should I drink and try to stay? Because I put everybody on notice. I'm in recovery. I'm going to stay. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm always like, I'm going to do it. And I've got to put everybody on notice. So I'm like, I can't decide if I'm going to drink and stay and try to run a game on everybody. And I know that's not going to work. Or if I should just drink and go away. Because I'm that uncomfortable without bourbon. And the solution in 12 steps. I'm at that halfway point where I watch a lot of us stay forever. For years. You can stay there. And it's very unfortunate because it doesn't have to be that way. So I show up one night at 10 o'clock at Julie's house. And I'm like, I'm losing it. And she can see it. She begins to take me through the work that night. It's 4 o'clock in the morning. We're on our knees doing a third step prayer. I was convinced that my alcoholism was getting ready to kill me at that point. I was convinced. And I'm going to tell you something. I love willingness. I love to sponsor somebody with willingness. But give me desperation. I just sense chills all down my legs. And I used to listen to a guy in my group, JK, that would say that. Give me desperation. You start sponsoring people with some desperation, it is a joy. An absolute joy to watch them light on fire. So we've burned through these steps. And in a matter of less than a week, probably, we've done my fifth step. I've done six and seven. I'm starting to make amends. And I'm working from a place of, I don't ever want to live like this again. Drunk or sober. You know, and I began to chase the solution. And I remember leaving our house one afternoon. We've done some sort of step work, I'm sure. And I remember thinking to myself, I could do this forever. I could get excited about this way of life, really. Not just being in the meetings and saying hi and highlighting and playing the game like we do. I could get excited about living these steps and living these principles. And my life began to change. And it's never been. It's never been the same. I got to make so many amends. I love there's a picture of Cliff over there. I get to make amends to my family and watch that stuff come back together. I remember making amends to my grandfather. I mean, my grandfather is an amazing man. Amazing. Came from nothing. And just so spiritually grown. And it's like funny. And he taught me so much. And I burned him up. You know, and I got sober. He sold that house, which I love. And I had turned into, it's like a brand new neighborhood. Brand new homes going up. Lots of families. Lots of happiness. And you know there's that one house. Nobody ever mows the lawn. There's beer cans. Somebody's picked up his car sideways. And they're like, oh, God, I'm half-necked out there smoking cigarette. It's like, geez. He's like, we're selling that house. You can live with your mother, which is a no-no. Or you can come and live with me. And I lived with him. He put me through college. I mean, set me on a path to success. And I seized every opportunity that man has given me. I owe so much to him. It's not even funny. And I remember going to make amends to him. And I sat down. I'm like, Papa, I was wrong in the following ways. You know, part of what I'm doing in sobriety is that I'm setting straight some things that I've made wrong. And I listed that stuff out and told him where I was selfish and dishonest and inconsiderate and asked him that important question. What can I do to make this right with you? And I'm fully expecting the, you keep doing what you're doing, sweet pea. Right? He's like, I don't know. I was like, I'm in shock. You know? He's like, you can pay your bills on time. You can show up where you're supposed to be and show up on time. You can be the woman that God called you to be. I mean, he laid that out. I was so mad. I'm like, I walk away with a resentment. But I'm going to tell you something. Every time I pay the bills, I doubt. Like, here's this. This is my small house. You can keep it organized then. I'm like, I'm just going to keep it organized. I'm going to keep it organized. I'm going to keep it organized. I'm going to keep it organized. I'm going to keep it organized. And every time that I do those things, I'm making amends to that man. Every time I am the woman that God calls me to be, I'm setting it straight with my grandfather. What a cool thing. What an opportunity for me. Right? So I get to reassemble. My stepfather asked me to stop taking the captioning off his TV. That's what he wanted me to do. I was like, I mean, this is the man that has watched me come home from jail. I ain't what's not good. And then, like, burn out of a bar so low. And then, like, I'm going to be loaded while the policemen are watching. I mean, I'm horrified. This normal person. You know, he's the only one in my family that's normal. I've horrified him. And he's like, I don't know. Just stop taking the captioning off my TV. And I'm like, tears. You know, it's very dramatic. And I'm like, that's it? Really? Okay. I know he wishes he had a do-over today. Or he had time to think on it. So I got to set those things right. And Julie taught me how to live in 10, 11, and 12. And the simplicity of what this looks like to do it consistently. And I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Because when you're sitting in these chairs and somebody says, hey, I'm eight years sober. You're like, no way. No way. I couldn't even fathom that. I remember the guy that worked at the place I was. He was like, yeah, I'm 16 years sober. I'm like, buddy, I'm not going to make it 16 days. I can't even imagine. And do I want to be sober 16 years? No. I mean, my thought is, like, are you really going to make it 16 days? And I'm like, no. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And so we had 16 years. I don't know. I mean, my thought is, like, are we just going to start going to church picnics? Are we going to be playing bingo? I mean, God, what is life going to look like now that we're not going to be having any more fun? My life was horrible. But I was like, oh, please don't take away the fun. I couldn't understand what it would look like long-term. I just didn't know. And so Julianne Cliff taught me how to live these principles in step 10 and stay current. I was like, this is going to be a lot of fun. I don't know. Don't worry. Stay busy. Don't worry. Don't worry. Stay busy. Don't worry. Julian Cliff taught me how to live these principles in step 10 and stay current. You know, the steps four through nine take care of the past. They set me straight with that. But then the question becomes, how do I live today without bourbon? How do I do that? What happens when I'm dishonest with somebody? Because I am. What happens when I'm inconsiderate of your feelings? Because I will be. Let's please don't give you the impression that just because you got clean and sober that you're going to walk on water. You won't. You won't. I remember early sobriety. I'm trying to get it right. Always. Just like, I'm just trying to be perfect. I felt I had been so bad before that I had to be perfect. I remember I called Cliff on the phone one day and I'm like, I messed up. I did this. I said that. And he's like, well, it's hell having to be human when you want to walk on water, isn't it? And I'm like, gotta go, Cliff. But it's true. They taught me how to set things straight as I went. They taught me how to pray and meditate. And I wanted to do it like you did it. And I wanted to be. As good as she was. And I wanted. And what's cool about step 11 is that you grow into a relationship with the power of God. And it looks very different on me than it's going to look on you. But there's some simple disciplines that we can do. But I'm going to tell you something. I'm having an absolute love affair with God. How cool is that? I heard a guy say that a couple years ago and I was like, what? What? And when you grow into it, as you will, you see this is about a relationship with the power. Right? This is not about alcohol. This is not about dope. This is about how do I live without those things on a consistent basis and be happy. I don't think about those things anymore. Except when I'm at a facility and I'm talking to somebody about it. You know, how cool is that? How cool is that? And I get to work with a lot of women. You know? I get to work with some really phenomenal women. I got to give a birthday night at my group. I guess last weekend or week before. I guess. I got to give a woman that I sponsor a two-year chip. And I got up and I said, I want to be like her. And it's true. This is an amazing person who lives this program. And I'm like, God, I want to be more like her. You know? But we all have these character defects and these things that stand in our way. And the program will show you how to live with them in spite of yourself. You know? I didn't get perfect just because I got sober. And I'll tell you, my dad got sober about a year after I did. You know? And there was a point in time. This older gentleman on this wall back here, this crazy bald-head man, was trying to sponsor him long distance. And his wife was dying at the time. And he said, Audrey, I've done step one with your dad. I can't work with him on two and three. My wife is dying. I need you to go and work with him and do steps two and three with your dad. And I'm like, is that a lie? Like, is that a lie? I got to get alone with my father and take him through steps two and three. How precious is that? How precious. Right? It's the coolest thing. My stepsister is newly clean again after having some bumps in the road. One of my other sisters is two years clean. My mom picked up her 30-day check this week. I'm like, everybody sit down. You're all situated. Everybody sit down. But it's a cool thing because I came on the scene with a family that was still off the chain. Except for my stepfather, who's like the only normal. And he's like, what are you doing? All these crazy women. And it's like, oh, I'm so sorry. I mean, you know, it is what it is. But I'm here to tell you that I love what it talks about. I'm going to try to quote it because I'll misquote it. On page 98. Some of my favorite, favorite stuff. It's really cool. I won't panic. It says, burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trusts in God and a clean house. I can't tell you how many of you. Yeah, I listen to you go, but you don't understand. Here's my situation. I'm like, no, boo. You don't understand. I came from some craziness. I'm here to tell you that I have walked through more sobriety than I ever thought about. Loaded. Right. I buried my father four years ago. And he was sober. Had an accidental tragic death. I got to get up from the podium with his big book and quote his favorite stuff. That's the power of God. That's cool stuff. I walked away from a man who I wanted to marry because God called me. I'm going to tell you something. If you make a decision to do what's in this text, if you make a decision to really follow the power of God, expect to be questioned by people around you. Expect to be misunderstood. Expect to be talked about. Who cares? You're clean. You're sober. You are in line with God's will. Could there be anything better? I'm here to tell you there's not. Except for sober sex. It's really good. You would not expect it to be less. It's true. Because that's another thing. I know y'all are sitting out there going, this is going to be terrible. It's not. It's going to be fabulous. Parents are horrified. I'm not. Let me tell you. And I'll hush in a minute. I know you guys got to get out. I'm going to get out of here. But if it was anything less than phenomenal to work this program and live this life, we wouldn't be here. I mean, they're not paying me to come down here and tell you, like, let's give them a good pep talk and tell them it's going to be good. It's not. It's a phenomenal way to live. And here's the cool thing. That alcohol and drugs, here's what happened to me with alcohol and drugs. They made the bad times bearable and the good times phenomenal. Here's what's even cooler. The 12 steps. They make the bad times bearable and the good times phenomenal. They just do. It's an absolute replacement and then some. So much more than you could ever expect. Well, getting to take another person through the steps and watching their life change, until you have that experience, you will never know. I don't remember people saying that when I got sober in their life. There's nothing like working with people. It's the bright spot of my day. I'm here for me. I'm here for you. I'm here for you. And all of a sudden, like, there's a fellowship that grows up about you that you get to be a part of and you think it's going to make you arrogant. And it doesn't. That's what's cool is that you get to step back and go, that's not about me. I'm so small in the part of this. Right? And when you do get arrogant, God will smack you down. It'll be like that little game at Chuck E. Cheese. When your ego pops up and I'm just being, smacking it left and right. And if you have a good sponsor, they'll assist you. Right? But, yeah. I'm here to tell you that if you haven't really submitted to this, it won't work. It won't work. You and I are people that live our lives in half measures. We always have. I'll submit just enough to get by and get my little thing stamped and then I'm out. And if you really want to be a part of this program, better go all in. Do it like you did when you were getting loaded. I pushed all my chips in the table. I'd have thrown away everything. I mean, think about it. What did it look like for you to get in? What did it look like for you to get your next whatever? Right? You'd have thrown away everybody and everything. Kicking over old ladies trying to get one more. And then all of a sudden we get sober and it's like, why do you not have time for that? Really? Go all in. Or go home. You are wasting your parents' time and money. Go all in or go home. If you want to go all in, we'll do anything to help you. It's the coolest ride ever. I appreciate you guys. Thanks so much. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .