John A. – History – The Description of an Alcoholic – 2005

Where'd all you guys come from? Anybody been to sleep yet? A couple. Y'all realize it's 10 a.m., not p.m.? Little compulsive alcoholics. My name is John, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm tickled to be here at Sounders Day. This is great. I want to thank the committee for inviting us to come. Mark's been great. Harmon picked us up yesterday at the airport, and it's just been wonderful. And last night, weren't the old-timers great? They were just wonderful. I forgot, we don't call them old-timers anymore. We call them long-timERS. I don't know why. politically correct in AA. You know, I was... I'm amazed that I get invited to things like this because I don't do this very good. And I don'T do AA very good I wish I did AA better but I DON'T you know but I don' t know anybody that does really I love that meeting after the meeting when you're out having coffee you know and you're trying to help another alcoholic who's usually not there You know, you're just talking about him a little bit, trying to help him out. Somebody inevitably says, right, they say, oh yeah, I know that guy. He talks the talk, but he can't walk the walk. Who are we kidding? None of us can walk the Walk. I mean, if I could walk the Walking, I wouldn't need to come to AA. You know? I come to A.A. because I can't Walk the Walk And I think that's what the book says, doesn't it? Doesn't the book say that? When he gets through reading the 12 steps, what does it say? It says, wow. What an order. Can't go through with it. Don't be discouraged. No one. They don't exclude anybody. They don' t exclude Bill Wilson. They don''t exclude Dr. Bob. They certainly don'' t exclude John Allred. See, no one among us has been able to maintain anything like. You know what that means? Maintain anything like? Having them come close. You know, perfect coherence with these principles. So nobody can do this deal. Yet those of us who don't do it like talk about the rest of you that can. I don't go up there and he don't. He doesn't do a lot of it. But that's really not my fault. See, I am an adult child of non-alcoholics. That's a real bitch. I mean, I got nobody to blame. Nobody in my family drank. Nobody drank. My dad didn't drink. Mom didn't drinking. Brother don't drink, sit. I didn't drank. Growing up, I grew up in a very middle-income America household. You know, we never moved in the middle of the night. You know? the light always came on you turn a light switch the light comes on you know it's amazing I went to college like you're supposed to never drank got married my senior year like you supposed to you know never drank I went in the insurance business Salt Lake City and things are pretty good I'm scared I don't know what I'm afraid of but I'm if I go to work in the morning. Secretary, come give me these little messages, you know, pink. I said, what are these? She said, those are your phone messages. I say, who from? I don't know. What do you think they want? I guess they want to buy insurance, you know. See, phones are scary. Aren't phones scary? I mean, I like to have a phone and and I want to make phone calls, but I don't want you calling me. And that phone, ring, ring-ring-ring, man. I want tell you, you young alcoholics, you got it made. You have no idea the terror there is in having a telephone with no caller ID. That's a scary-ass deal right there, I want telling you that. That phone, Ring-ring ring- ring- who is it? We used to walk around that phone and look at that phone. Who's calling me? And then we got those answering machines, which was real good because you could screen your calls. You know, the problem is that somebody to call you and then hang up no message and then you got to walk around all day thinking, well, who would call and not leave their message? That'll make you have a drink right there. That'll Make you have the drink. I want to tell you all that technology, that caller ID and answering machine, that stuff It was all invented by alcoholics for alcoholics. Makes it a lot easier to stay drunk. A whole lot easier. But I had a buddy named Stuart. Stuart drank. He drank in the bar. So I started hanging out with Stuart. I love the bar, and see, you know, the bar... You can be anything you want to be in the car. Anything you want you can be. And I'd go down to the bar he'd drink whatever he drank. Whiskey, I'd drink Coke. Never drank in a bar, I'd drank Coke. But you can do anything you wanna be. We get down to the bar. We get some women over to the table. They say, what do you do for a living? I like to do a lot of stuff, you know. Sometimes I'd retire. 24-year-old retiree. He must have made a lot of money. Oh, yeah. That's why I drive a Toyota. I love to be the mystery man where you don't really tell them what you do. You know, they say, what do YOU do? Oh, nothing. I can't. Well, you got to do something. What do you do? Well, listen, I canít talk about it, okay? Just drop it now. I canít talk about It. Okay, one thing, and then we got to drop it. Letís just say I work for the government, okay, thatís what Iím going to say about it. Okay, One more thing, then we gotta drop it If I leave here real quick, you better come after me because thereís some shit going on down here tonight. Thatís all Iím gonna say about that. I love to be that mystery guy. By the way, I'm doing all that sober. I ain't started drinking yet. Because, see, I lie. I'm so good at lying, I don't know I'm lying. That's how good a liar I am. Don't know why I'm not lying. I don' t know I' m lying. A lot of people call that denial. But I'm just lying. Finally, when my second child was born, I had my first drunk. I'm only going to tell you about my first and last drunk. But my first drink was great. Stuart called me up and congratulated me. He said, we're going out drinking tonight. I said, great. He said I'm buying. You're going to get drunk. I said I'll celebrate. I'm getting drunk tonight. So we got drinking. So we went to this private club in Utah. You've got to be a member of a private club doing drinking. So we had this private pub that was called The Winery right across from the Salt Pile. I should walk down these steps. I had my first drink. Walked in there light slashing, live band, a lot of women. God, it was great. And I just drank whatever they... I don't know what I drank. A lot of people know their first drink I don't know. They bring a drink over, it's dark, dark drink, got a cherry in it, I drink it down. Next drink, somebody buys me a next, it' s light, light colored drink, got a twist around it, and I just drink it now. Some guy bought me a drink that had salt around it. Damn, this thing ever saw my mouth, just drank it down, whatever they buy. I'm just drinking whatever they buy. Dance. Oh, I can dance. You get a few drinks and I can dance. Dance with two lesbians. So they're out there dancing together, you know? And And I thought, they probably want me to join them. So I went out and then they left together and there I was alone, you know. I learned something, no rejection. When you're drunk, you're just drunk. You're not rejected, you just drunk, sat down, drank that next drink in front of me, got up the next morning, no hangover. Really felt pretty good. I called up Stuart. I said, Stuart, I had a ball. He said, you did. You flat got after that. I said, Nick, you're going to go have a drink tonight? He said, I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I'm probably going to stop on the way home and have one. I said what time? He said I've got to work until 3 o'clock. I said why don't we meet at 3.30? We meet at 4.30 and got drunk again. That's what I do. I get drunk. I never drank socially. I never got that cocktail or that glass of wine and had a little sip. Visited. You know? Ice melts. My ice never melted. It never melted, but I never did that. I like to drink to get drunk. In fact, three weeks after that first drunk, I remember pulling up in front of the liquor store at 10 in the morning because they open at 10, so I'm on time. I get there. I go in there and buy three little mini bottles of vodka. Those little mini bars you get on the airplane because they told me you can't smell vodka, right? So I buy those little mini bottles of vodka. I suck those down as quick as I can. That's hard. The hole's only that big in those little bottles. You'll get a hernia sucking on those puppies. You really will, you know. And now it'd be okay to go to work, you Know. And I'm getting in trouble. My life's changing immediately. I'm going all kinds of... People are starting to tell me, your drink is out of control. And right at that time, the mothers were really getting mad about drunk drivers. and they were getting organized, and they're publishing a lot of articles in the newspaper. I read this one article in the paper, and it said only 1 in 2,000 drunk drivers get picked up DWI. I read that, and I thought, that's pretty good odds. If I get drunk every single night, I've got like 5, 6 years before I need to worry about getting my first DWI, you know? I've been drinking six months, yet pop, my first DWI. I'm like, what are the odds of that? It's bad, bad time. But then I thought, that's okay, I got like, this means I've got 12, 13 years before I've got to worry about my next DWI, you know? But my life's changing. People are telling me my drink is, they tell me I'm an alcoholic. And I want to tell you, I hate that. When they start telling you you're an alcoholic, you have no correct response to that accusation. Because you say, I'm not. They say, see, denial, that's the first clue alcoholism is denial. They've got a pamphlet called Denial. You can't say, yeah, you're probably right because then hell, you've got to go to AA. They say you're not an alcoholic. I say, well, what's an alcoholic? How do you really know you're alcoholic? What's an alcoholist? They said, don't get excited. It's a disease. Okay, let's go to the doctor. Get a proper diagnosis. He said, we really can't do that. Well, how do you know you're an alcoholic? Can't we go get some blood analysis? No? Well, How do you Know You're An Alcoholic? What's an alcoholic ? Can't We Go Get Like A Cat Scan? No, Can't Do That. Well,How Do You Know You'Re An Alcohol... Oh Yeah, Here's The Deal. Y'All Want Me To Quit Drinking. Okay, What Happens ? 20 Years From Now I Find Out I'm Not Alcoholic. I've blown 20 years, I could have been drinking. Not willing to take that kind of risk. It's not going to do it. Not going to be able to drink. It's just not going to do up. So they finally say, well you drink too much. As soon as they told me I drank too much, I know I'm not an alcoholic. Because I never drank too much in my life. There's no alcoholic in this room that ever drank too much. It's impossible. See, I am an alcoholic, but not because I drank too much. I'm an alcoholic because I couldn't drink enough. You ever drink enough? Well, thank you somebody from this room. You know, you go to the bar, you have a couple of cocktails. The bartender says, you care for another cocktail? Oh, golly. Let's see, it's Saturday. Tomorrow's Sunday. Don't want to be late for church. I think I've had enough. Never had enough! I mean, I go to the bar at noon. You ever do that? You go tothe bar atnoon? Okay, now it's midnight. You've been drinking in the same damn bar for 12 hours, right? And I'm drunk. I know I'm talking about it. God, Stuart, I am drunk. This is me too. Can I buy another drink? Hadn't had enough. Well, if you can't drink enough, it's impossible to drink too much. What happens? See, normal drinkers... Y'all know who you are. see those normal drinkers can drink enough and so occasionally but not very often they might drink too much but if you're an alcoholic like i'm an alcoholic you can't drink enough you never drink too long too much won't happen won't happened so to give that little test to take you know there's 20 questions i want to tell you i take that test i can pass it non-alcoholic I did it three times. Because I lied, okay? I just lied. But I got a lot of problems going on. Finally, figured out my real problem. Okay, Utah, high altitude. Y'all see those Winter Olympics a couple years ago? It's up in the mountains. It's high altitude Well, scientific known fact, People who live at high altitudes for prolonged periods of time actually have thinner blood than people who live at low altitudes. Well, you know, if you go out and party hard on thin blood, you'll have a problem. What I need to do is get to sea level. Thicken up my blood a little bit, I'm going to be okay. I called a buddy who lives in Seattle that sea level, talking about these problems I got, And he said, man, get away from there. Come up here. Put your life back together. I said, I don't want to impose on you and Gail. You're five kids. He said, no, I'm a physician. So I'll be there Tuesday. So I moved to Seattle, you know. Wasn't doing anything in Seattle. Just doing a little drinking and working on sticking up my blood. And when you're in that condition, the next logical thing you want to do, hell, you're going to want to gamble. Best time to gamble is when you'RE unemployed, you knOw? So I started playing poker up there. It was legal, and I thought, who am I kidding? I was running down to Nevada, playing the casinos, and I said, I might as well just move to Nevada. That's war than sea level. You get thick blood in Nevada. So I ran down to Nevada, ran around Las Vegas, ended up in Reno-Tahoe area, because it was cooler up there, and wasn't doing anything, just playing a little poker, doing a little drinking, working on thickening my blood. An old drinking buddy invited me to come back to Salt Lake She shouldn't have gone. Doing real good in Reno. I go back to Salt Lake. And then I'm at the One More Time Club. It's a great club. And I pass. She's at the bar waiting. They're always sitting at the car. They're all at the far waiting for me. I found her. Fell in love. And I want to take her out on Saturday. She couldn't go out Saturday or Sunday. Had to stay till Monday. Supposed to go home Sunday. Should have gone home Sunday, but I stayed till Monday to go on this date. It was a bad date. You know you've got a bad date when you invite them to dinner, and then they really want to eat. So she's eating and I'm drinking, right? Well, I'm a gentleman, so every time I order a whiskey, I order her a glass of wine. Well, the woman's busy eating, she ain't keeping up. Her wine's stacking up. Now, to keep from being embarrassed, I drink my whiskey and drink her wine. It was just a bad day. And finally, she said, take me home. And I want to take her home. She had no fun that night at all. So I took her home, dropped her off, went over her prices. It was 10.30. That Monday, by the way, was October 6th, 1981. So now tomorrow night, Tuesday, October 7th, 1991, I'm going to hit this town one more time and then we've got to get out of here. High off your drink is going to get me in trouble. So we got Tuesday, October 7, 1981, started at a little place, Joker Club. The Joker Club was not a private club. It was just a little beer bar. I'll be honest about it. It was a topless joint, wasn't a very fancy topless joint. Joker Club had one dancer in the whole place. One dancer! And you had to be drunk to appreciate her. I mean, it was just a bad thing. So we decided to go over and see the fashion show at the Hilton. I remember the fashion show and then I blacked out. I black out a lot. I blackout all the time. I used to say I black out every time I drink, but how do you know? I just blacked out. But I blacked and some blackouts are real scary, some aren't too bad. Now there are two factors that determine how scary a blackout is. The first factor is how long are you blacked-out? Okay, the longer you're blacked, out the more scary they are. Okay, the second one is what are you doing when you come out of your blackout? That can determine how scary that blackout is. Well, I wasn't blacked out that long but I came out of my blackout at the worst time without a doubt. Those of you blacked Out know that the worst times to come out of a blackout is when you're talking to the cops. Because you have no idea where you are in the conversation. You know? And you can't ask. You can't say what are we doing here? You can's say that. You know So you kind of got to figure out, what do they want? What have I already admitted to? What have i given them, you know, without asking. And it's a very difficult time. And I finally figured out they wanted my driver's license. Okay, well, I didn't have a driver's license. They'd taken that three DWIs earlier, you know. So I'm telling the cop, listen, I'm glad you stopped. I'm going to leave my car parked right here. I'll leave it parked right here and go over there. That's where I'm gonna go. In fact, I'll bet you that's where my driver license is. I'm just gonna go over and get it. I will come back and get tomorrow, no problem. They would not let me go. Finally ran my license plate down at who it was, arrested me. See, this is not fair. This is not fair at all. Because they got these things now, I don't know if they got them up here, but they got these things and they put them on computers. And then now they put these computers in the cop car. And these things are called warrants. Once they put those warrants out, they stay on the computer a long time. Long time. They didn't bother to come look for us anymore. They just put out a warrant and wait for us to show up, you know? So I got this warrant. So I'm in jail. I'm locked up. Don't like locked up, don't like nothing about locked up want out. The first time I can't get out. They don't even let me bond out. See, I knew the system no matter what you get arrested for, you plead not guilty, right? Not guilty. And then you go to the OR person, you get out of your OR just drunk stuff back in the 70s you get on your or i think the biggest bond i ever posted was 50 bucks and then you get your attorney they set a court date and you start that postponing process right postpone postpone postponed keep postponing what you're doing is you're hoping the cop dies that's what you do yeah my cop never died he always showed up and so when the attorney tells you now tomorrow we go to court no more postponing we go to court tomorrow be there 10 o'clock you want to be sure on the day before court move okay that's right I just moved never went if I just move it's not all these failure to appear notices out put out on me so I'm in lockup don't let me out they said no you don't come back you're gonna go to Court so I don't like lockup one out can't get out finally a buddy comes down named Stan stands nothing up not enough like nothing about AA but he had a lot of money, a lot of influence. And he says, I've talked to some friends. I can get you out. But you're in my custody. The only way they'll release you is into my custody, and the only way I'm going to do that is if you promise me you go to treatment because you're sick. You need help. I said, oh, Stan, bless you. Man, you are so right. It's amazing. I don't know what it is. And I go down to the bar, I get drunk, I'm getting in all kinds of trouble, I don't want to do that. I guess I'm an alcoholic, I need help. But I can't get any in here. He says, I'll get you out. So I got out of jail. I had no intention, I didn't want a quit. I'm not going to quit. I'm just getting out of jail. And I'll do or say anything to get out of Jail. Next day I had to stay with Stan, so the next day he throws me these yellow pages. He says you're going to go anywhere you want to go, but you're doing a treatment. So I look in the yellow pages, there's a lot of treatment centers. I found a stream of sin. I called him up and I said, I need to come in for a little treatment. Dan says, okay, do you have any insurance? No, no, no. I hadn't worked for three and a half years. I don't have any insurances, you know. He said, well, it's $12,000. I said hell, I don' t want to stay all year. I couldn't believe it. It was very fresh. So I called this one place. They wanted $18,000. I'm so frustrated. I said, honey, listen, if I had $18.000, I wouldn't need your goddamn treatment. You know? Would have solved any problem I got. Just give me the $18K and I'll be okay. You know, very frustrating. I thought I called up this one joint. I said I need to come and throw a treatment. The guy says, okay. And I said well you need to know something. I don't have any insurance. she's okay I said how much is it and so she said well when you check in here she's a salesperson right so he's gonna give me benefits first before the price she says when you checked in here you get room board and therapy now we have two kinds of therapy we have group therapy and individual therapy but one of our registered counselors and it's nine dollars a day and when you check in we apply for food stamps to credit those food stamps of the bill and And then when you work around here on these assignments, we get some state aid and we pay you $1.50 a day, which you can apply to the bill or you could buy cigarettes with it. Cigarettes cost $1 and a quarter a pack back then. And if you did all that, it would take it down to be about $5 a day. I couldn't believe it. I said, how long is your waiting list? So there's other places that had 12,000, 18,000 and wanted to... They had 30 to 60 waiting lists just to get in. I said how long's your waitinglist? She said, well, we have a bed for you tonight. Look, I don't really need to come tonight. She said I think you ought to come tonight. Now think about that. They've got bargain rates. Nine bucks a day. Room, board and therapy. They can't fill their beds. Now they're high pressure me to get me to come in down there. I'm the consumer here I got my rights I said honey listen you make my reservation for Saturday or just forget the whole damn deal so she made them for Saturday and I didn't drink I hung out with Stan didn't drinking Saturday came I drove down there to that place parked in that parking lot I sat in that parking lot all day watching them go in and out of there I wanted to see what kind of person goes to a $9 a day jitter joint you know I'm watching go in there Those guys going in there, you know, they look like alcoholics. I looked at that guy and said, look at that guy going, who on earth is going there? Look at him, he's an alcoholic. You can tell looking at that guy, he belongs in there. He's an alcoholic. They didn't look like y'all looked. Y'all don't look like alcoholic. Guys going in there, look like alcoholics and I wasn't an alcoholic, but it fit my budget so I checked in. Nothing happened. I filled out a whole bunch of papers Saturday, got my room, nice place. Sunday came I had my first exposure to Alcoholics Anonymous two guys from outside came in they chaired a meeting we had 36 of us all men in the lunchroom sat around lunch tables we sat around and just you guys talked for a long time didn't listen to a word they said because I'm watching everybody else I'm trying to figure out how do you do AA I'm a real chameleon so when I go someplace I'm going to watch how you act how you behave how you talk and that's what I'm gonna do you know I'm not gonna behave that way so I'm watching everybody else Nobody wanted to be there. They were just smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee. After these two guys got through talking, there was a discussion meeting, so they started down the road, everybody could get to share. First guy introduced himself, said, My name's Joe B. I'm an alcoholic. I'll pass. Second guy said, My name is Jim S. I am an alcoholic and I will pass. I caught on real quick. What you all do in AA, You give your first name, last initial, admit to the group you're alcoholic, and then pass. There's something magical about that. If you admit to a group you are alcoholic and they just take that burden of alcoholism off your shoulders, sit over there, that must be the deal. They had it written on the wall, admitted you're powerless over alcohol. So what got to me? I did it right. I said, my name is John A. I'm an alcoholic. And I'll pass. Nothing happened. Not a damn thing happened. I thought, well, I guess I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics Anonymous must be for real simple-minded people if that's their program, you know? Now it's just sort of the perception that is of AA. That was my perception of Alcoholics Anonymous. It ain't for me. Not much to it. That was on Sunday. Monday came. Had my meeting with Del. Del was my counselor. Lovely lady. Talked to Del for an hour. She wanted me to stay two months. I said, Del, Del. Del, del, del. Okay? I've been here all weekend, okay? I've been talking to these guys. They've told me they're alcoholics. They are. I have no reason to doubt that they're alcoholics, but they look like they probably are alcoholics I don't know whether I am an alcoholic or not. I may have a little bit of alcoholism. Not a lot. But I'm too busy to stay two months. She said, you're busy? I said, yes, I'm too busy to stay. I can't stay too much. Too busy. She looks through her papers and says, well, now where were you working? Well, I am not working, but I am busy. Isn't that true about us? Alcoholics are the most busy unemployed people you are going to meet in your life. Go to the meeting Monday, right? Go to your home group Monday. You go in there. Now, the guy is unemployed. He's got nothing to do but get to the meeting, and he's late. And you say, where have you been? Hell, I've been busy. You know? I don't know what we do, but we're busy doing it, you know? We really are. So if I give you two weeks, you now, I'll give you two weeks because I can, you kno- I'm not gonna quit drinking. That's all I'm doing there. I'm just doing treatment time. I figure treatment time is better than jail time. That' what I'm doin'. I don' tell anybody that. and just never that's what I'm doing so I give you two weeks do you give me whatever material you're gonna study during that two-month period okay I'll read it I'll be the head you give me some pop quizzes if you want there's two weeks I'm out of here she doesn't all that BS my sister would better hurry with you damn right that hurt me that was on Monday Tuesday got a little group group oh I love group groups wonderful Wednesday without like education seminar They're showing a movie. I don't like movies about drug addiction and alcoholism. They're boring, even today. Movies about drug addition and alcoholismo are boring. So I'm sitting there prepared not to like this movie. And the name of the movie they were showing was I'll Quit Tomorrow. So I am sitting there on my pride, on my ego, on my contempt, prepared not like this moving. I'm watching this movie and it tore me up. I related to everything in that movie. I did everything that guy did. I talked the way the guy talked. I acted the way that guy acted. I dressed the way they got dressed. I drank. I drank the way the guy drank. I related to everything in that moving. And I knew the gig was up because I related to it. That was my moment of clarity when I knew the gig was up. What happened to me that night as I quit looking for that definition. What's an alcoholic? How do you know you're an alcoholic?" I later found out in AA, see, we don't have a definition of an alcoholic. I couldn't define an alcoholic for you this morning. I don't know how to define that. What we have in AA is a description. See, you can't argue with the description. You can argue with a definition. That's why Webster's got ten definitions for every word, But you can't argue with the description. The most powerful tool God has given an alcoholic to honor is our description of the alcoholic. Because it's that description, as the alcoholic relates to it, that seems to have the power to literally strip everything that separates the alcoholic from himself. And I could see me that night like I'd never seen you. I could be there for you. I could seem you that night, like my mother saw me. I could feel you that I liked my ex-wife on. There was what I could think is I read that I knew the game was up. The most powerful tool we have at that description. Think how important that description is. Two-thirds of our book, two-thirds of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is what? Descriptions of alcoholics in the stories. I mean, why'd they put all those stories in there? Just to make a big book? No, it's the description that is that important as the alcoholic relates to it that seems to have that power to strip everything that separates the alcoholic. And I wasn't happy about it. Sometimes you'll hear from the podium, people will say how relieved they were when they discovered they were alcoholics and how at home they felt. That was not my experience. I was pissed, okay? And I was scared to death. I mean, my God, my whole life's just changed. My whole life is just... I'm an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic! I mean I gotta go like get a job. You know? Everything's changed now. I can't drink. I'm not an alcoholic, I cried all night. I cried all night and I stayed there six weeks and I could have stayed two months too busy you know but when I got out of there they told me that a very important part of treatment is aftercare you need aftercare but you're living in Reno we're so like that's 800 miles you can't come back three times a week so we're going to prescribe that you go to AA for your aftercare and they gave me intergroup phone number Reno Nevada So I drove back to Reno. I knew two things when I got back to reno. I know I'm alcoholic, I don't want to drink, I know that. And the second thing was, AA's got nothing to offer. I mean, come on man! You go there, you give your first name, last initial, admit you're alcoholic and then pass, okay? A little Mickey Mouse program. I don' t know why we have to keep doing that time after time after times. But I don''t want a drink. I dont' want a drink if I know i'm alcoholic. So the first day I'm back in town, I call AA. Guy answers phone I said my name is John a and I'm an alcoholic and the guys who I'm Bruce I'm not caught John what can do for you and I said listen I just got out of treatment you know in Salt Lake City living here Reno Nevada and I wanted to call and report in yeah I thought they had me on computer you know have you reported they put out a failure to appear on you it's true so so he said I'm glad you're here. He said, do you want to go to a meeting tonight? It was Thursday night. Do you want to go to a meeting? I said, yeah, I'll go to a meeting. You'll probably want to meet me. He said I'm not going but there's a men's stag, the whole Riverside Casino 3rd and 4th CR room starts at 830. I said I don't know where that is. I'll be there early so we can meet. He said I'm not going. I said well at least call them and tell them that John A is coming to their meeting tonight. He said, don't worry about it. They'll be there. So I show up 20 after 8. First resentment in Alcoholics Anonymous. I call. Made my reservations. Guy did not call and follow through on that. Nobody there said, oh, you must be John A. We've got your reservation here. Here's your chair, coffee. What do you need? No, just some guys smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, waiting for the meeting. Personal guy named Red got to the chair of the meeting Red looked like an alcoholic. He only had 18 years. And he talked for a long time, didn't listen to a word Red said because I'm busy watching everybody else. How do they do AA in Reno? They were doing it just like they did in treatment. Smoked cereal, drank coffee. Didn't pay a bit of attention to Red. Red got through talking. They started down the row. It was a discussion meeting. We're going to share. These guys did not pass. They were talking. Now, I have no idea what they were talking about. Nothing we talk about in treatment. But you know what? They couldn't even introduce themselves right. Some of them did not give their last initial. They said, my name is John. I'm an alcoholic. You're supposed to give your last initial, you know. Guy didn't give his last initials. You're exposed to do that. Some of him gave their last name. He said, My name is Sean Allred. I'm alcoholic. Jesus. What does he think anonymous means, man? It's amazing. So I thought, you know what? If he's not going to respect his own anonymity, I will. I won't look at the guy. I won' t look at that guy. Don't know who you are. Don't who you if I see you. I won''t say hi if I saw you on the street. This anonymous program. We stay anonymous around here. So they're talking. I don't know what they're talkin' about. I mean, I sat half way through that meeting. nobody mentioned we got an XY chromosome deficiency. It became real clear to me, these guys have not been to treatment. So it got to me. I thought I'd help. I said, my name is John A., and I'm an alcoholic. And then I qualified. I said listen, guys, I just got out of treatment over in Salt Lake City. I want you all to know, I have the latest, most up-to-date medical and psychological information on the disease that I'm on. Second resentment, Red cut me off and said, Thank you, John. We're on the next guy. I thought, Son of a bitch is jealous. I know stuff he don't know. You know? Asked me if some guys came up and shook my hand and they said, we hope you come back. Well, hell, I'll be back. They need me down there. They need Me. Now, Chuck Chamberlain used to always say, every man is My teacher. Some people teach Me what to do. Some people teaching Me what not to do, right? Please keep in mind, if you're new, most of what I share from the podium is what not-to-do, okay? Because I've done this deal all wrong. I totally don't do it very good. I don't know where I was when I said 90 meetings in 90 days. That's not the way I did it. I did one meeting a week. Every Thursday, I go to my men's staff. Now they will not let me share. But I keep going back. I figure, I'm a hell of a lot younger and red. He's going to die, then I get to share. Now let me tell you what happens when you go to one meeting in a week if you haven't tried that program. One of the things they told me in treatment, which is true, they said, John, don't drink. Okay, if you just don't Drink, you'll feel better. That's true. But see, nobody explained to me what that meant. If you don't drink, you'll feel better. You're going to feel everything better. You're gonna feel all the pain, all the anger. Oh, you're gonna fill that shit a whole lot better. You know? So I'm walking around really feeling better going nuts. I mean, that's why I drink. I drink when I feel better, you know. I don't want to feel that stuff. So I am down at my meeting Thursday night. It was Christmas Eve that Thursday. At my Minstag meeting. And they said, okay, now tomorrow's Christmas Day. Those of you who have nowhere to go for Christmas, you can go to the Dreyer's Club. Skid Row Clubhouse in Reno on Wells Street. Still there. You go to The Dreyer'S Club on Wells. Free Christmas dinner. They're cooking it. So I had nowhere to going for Christmas. So I went over to The Dryer'S Club. I found it. Went in. It was good. I ate. I'm sitting there. I'm not doing anything. I'm just drinking a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette. The guy spotted me. You know those old timers They spot a newcomer You can tell When they spot a new comer Their eyes kind of glaze over And they start to salivate New comer I saw him He looked at me I saw his eyes He started walking over I said look at this guy Coming over here He's not my kind of guy I like cool guys Ain't nothing cool about him at all. The old guy. A fat old guy, funny hair, big nose, nothing cool at all, not my kind of guy. And I said, look at this. Look at this guy coming over here to talk to me. Can you believe this? Look at his guy. He comes over, introduces himself. His name's John. There's a coordinator of intergroup. Don't know what that is, but I thought, you know what? I'm glad they found something for you to do, John. You know? So I talked to Don for, it became clear after talking to Don, just a few minutes, Don had not been in treatment. So I started to tell Don about all the stuff that I'm not allowed to talk about in my home group. He gets a funny look on his face and he says, would you like to go to a meeting with me tonight? And I said, well hell Don, it's Friday. I go Thursdays, then Saturdays. He said, we got a meeting every night in Reno. And then in that three weeks I'd been going to AA, I'd heard something about spiritual program. This is a spiritual program, they heard that. And I thought, okay, it's a spiritual problem. It's Christmas. I can go twice this week, won't hurt, you know. So Don comes and gets me. We got at the state hospital, we got a meeting at 7 o'clock out there at the State Hospital. Walk in there. I love that meeting because they give you a raffle ticket when you walk in. And at the end of the meeting, they raffle off a big book or as Bill sees it. So they give them a rattle ticket, walk in the meeting. They've got women in that meeting. First meeting I've been to was women. I didn't know there were other men. I thought it was a man's field. You know, I've seen the men's route joint, men's stag meetings. Got women in the meetings. Immediately thought that was my home group. Why am I going Thursday and coming here Friday with women? You know? This is my new home group, baby. So they got... I don't know what they talked about. There's some meeting because I'm busy praying, okay? Because I got this raffle. And I don' t have a good mind and I read real fast. I had forgot to get a big book. Now, this is it, man. I'm winning the book. I'm probably the only guy in this meeting without a book. I'm winner of the book tonight. It's Christmas. This is going to be God's gift to me on Christmas. The only Christmas gift It's going to be this book. I'm winning the book. I prayed hard. I want that book. The end of the meeting, that book is mine. No one's been praying like I've been praying for the book I want the book So at the end ofthe meeting they had the raffle The raffle was a big book A third of resentment and I go, it's anonymous Some gray-haired lady 25 years sober wins my book I'm like, what are you doing winning my book? Got five in my home She's so old can't even read anymore see to read this and win my book. So I'm storming out. Before I can get out of there, that little lady comes up and gives me that book. That's where I got my book. I took that book home. I used to say that I took the book home that night and I read it from cover to cover. So if you ever heard me say that or if you never get hold of a really old old tape or I said that on the tape please believe me that when I said that, hell, I believed it. Then I got involved in a big book study. You wouldn't believe the chapters they got in that book. They got a chapter in the book, Chapter to the Wives. Well, I wasn't a wife, didn't have a wife. Didn't want a wife! Didn't read that chapter. They've got a Chapter in the Book of Chapters to the Employer. I'm not even an employee. Didn't read that chapter, okay? There's a chapter in the book, Chapter 2, The Agnostic. Are we agnostic? I'm not agnestic. I know God rules. Didnít read that chapter, OK? Well, I want to tell you, if you just read, you know, Chapter 3 and Chapter 5, you can read that tonight. It won't take you long to do it. It really won't. The next day, this guy called me on the phone, takes me to another meeting. Every day, Don has called me every day, taking me to a meeting. And I don't really want to go. But he doesn't asked he just calls up says pick up in 20 minutes but well how does he know I want to go to a meeting I don't want to go to that meeting but then I think wait a minute wait you know he's the only guy talking to me in AA if I don' t go he could talk behind my back he's gonna ridicule me them I gotta go gotta go defend myself and a fast thing thing happened to me now at that time I didn't have a sponsor hadn't worked any steps Nothing had changed except one thing. The only change in my life is I'm going to a meeting every single day. And a fascinating thing happened. I not only feel better, but I feel good. And I hadn't felt those two things at the same time in years. And all of a sudden, sobriety started putting on flesh and bones, you know? And I started getting excited about it. I started hanging out in a group, drinking coffee with Don, meeting other alcoholics, going to meetings at night. And it was exciting, and it was embarrassing too. I mean, I felt like a little kid. Don would come get me. I'd get in his car. We're going to the meeting. I'd say, Don, do you think we can go get ice cream tonight? We'll see. That's fascinating. So I'm hanging out in her group during the day. I'm down there a week later. It was Thursday. New Year's Eve, Thursday. A week later, New Year'S Eve on Thursday. I'm going to my men's stag meeting Thursday night. I'm an intergroup. The phone is intergrouped. I grabbed the phone. I'm fired up now. I grabbed that phone. This young kid named Glenn. Now, Glenn's 17 years old and wants to know how to say sober New Yearís Eve. I said, why? I mean, damn, Glenn, you're 17. It's New YearÕs Eve. Okay? Call tomorrow. We're going to be open tomorrow. No big deal. You know? Fourth, he said, Don grabbed that phone away from me, you know. That's when he passed the rule at Central Office, you have to have six months or more sobriety to answer the phone. He put a big sign above the phone, must have six minutes to answer a phone, you know. Don talked to him for a while, gave him his phone number and did not give him my phone number. But the next day, Don calls me and says, hey, Glenn stays sober, wants photo meeting. I'm like, great, 12-step work. So Don comes and gets me. We go get Glenn. Well, we're out of state hospital. And we're driving to the car, my first 12-step car. I'm excited. And you know what? Damn it. Don's just driving the car. He's not preparing Glenn for AA. And I thought, hell, I've got to do it all. I've just got to go. I've gotta do it on here, you know? So I start talking to them all about it. I said, Glenn, you're going to love this, man. You get women your first meeting. Okay, there are women here. I didn't know they were there for a month, but you get women right out of this. And I'll tell you, Glenn, I've been to a couple other groups in the Reno area here. And this group has the best looking women. You want to come back there with me next Friday? This is going to be great. And then when we get there, they're going to give you a raffle ticket. Hang on to the raffle tickets because at the end of the meeting, they're gonna raffle off a big book or as Bill sees it. And if God loves you, you'll win that book. Don doesn't say a word. Don just drives to the meeting. So we get to the meetings. I don't know what they talk about because I'm busy praying for Glenn. I thought, come on, God, let Glenn win that books. If Glenn can just win that book after I've prepared him like I have, he'll stay sober forever. And not that it matters, but you know, I would have a 100% 12-step call success rate. I'll be able to write articles in the grapevine had I had a 100 percent 12- step call success rate. You know? It'd be great. Only guy in AA with 100 percent, 12- steps call success rates. So I'm praying for Glenn. At the end of the meeting, they went to have the raffle. The raffle off the big book at the end of that meeting. I won the book. Don turned to me and said, see how that works? I said, yeah. I signed it and gave it to Glenn. That's where Glenn got his book. And Glenn's sober today because I gave him that book. That's why he sold it. Now, that little experience early in my sobriety taught me a lot. Because it taught me how God works. See? God works through people. Okay? See, whenever God works, it's a win-win situation. Always two winners when God works. It's a winning deal with God. Always two winner when God work. Sacramento won the big book the first night. There had been one winner. Me. But that little lady won by being able to share with me and I won by bein' able to receive from her. Two winners. Week later, two winners. I won bein', able to sharer with Glenn and Glenn won by bim able to recieve from me. God works thru people. It's always a win win deal. He works throuhg people. See, by working through people, he gets twice the result for the same effort. Very efficient guy. You know? It also tells me how Alcoholics Anonymous works. AlcoholicsAnonymous is one drunk sharing with another. And that's the magic to our deal, guys. When that happens, it's unbelievable when one drunk shares with another See, I've told that story, it's the only story I've done, maybe a thousand times in almost 24 years. And every time I tell that story I remember that moment of clarity when I knew the gig was up. I'm convinced that all of us here tonight that are sober and alcoholics and honest have had that moment of clarity. When you knew the jig was up, I'm equally convinced that those that come to AA for a while and leave, and are out there drinking and dying tonight, had that moment of clarity. And then it was over. What's the difference between those of us that are sober here today and those of us that have come and left and are not there drinking tonight? We both had that Moment of Clarity. I think what happens in Alcoholics Anonymous is really pretty simple. What we do in here is we keep that moment alive. We keep it alive. Because I've shared my moment with you of what it was like and what happened. As I've shared my moment with you of what it was like and what happened, what have you thought about? And when one of you is on this side of the podium and I'm on that side of the podium and you're sharing what it was like and what happened and what it was like and you are keeping your moment alive. By the way, isn't this a perfect program for people whose root problem is we're selfish self-centered think about that because when you're appearing you're remembering your moment i'm so self-centred what am i thinking about my moment screw your death you know we keep it alive and nowhere can you keep that moment alive but when one alcoholic shares with another it's only a win-win deal when that happens you can't keep your moment alive by sharing with your doctor your doctor doesn't need to hear it it's Not a win-win deal. I need to hear it. My very life depends on hearing about your moment so that my moment stays alive. You can't keep your moment alive by sharing with your therapist. Not a winning deal. They don't need to know. They don' t need to see or even hear it! I need you to hear about your moments so that MY moment stays ALIVE. We keep that moment alive. Because what happens when you lose your moment? You take drunk. Because it's that moment of clarity that is God's gift. That's what happened. That's God's gift. And that usually happens before you get to AA. We assume you've had that when you show up here. And the proof of that statement is your last drink. I'm willing to bet a whole lot of money, when you took your last Drink and you sat it down, you had no idea that was your last drink. You know? I mean, I didn't. Hell, if I would have, I'd have done it different. You know what happened? What happened? We call it divine intervention. Something happened. We don't know what it is. We don't know what happens in here, but it always happens. We have that moment of clarity and we get that reprieve for that day. And what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous is we keep that moment alive. My experience in Alcoholic Anonymous has been incredible. You know, it's just been an incredible experience. I'm living in Reno, Nevada. I'm working with my sponsor, Don. And I got a Christmas card from my sister. I called her. She lives in Dallas. So I called and talked to her in Dallas, she invited me to come to Dallas. I didn't really want to take a sober geographic, I was doing pretty good in Reno, I had a little job, doing pretty well, doing pretty great. But I was making four bucks an hour. And she sent me this classified ad section from Dallas, this is 1982. That was big thick paper. Just the classified ad session was bigger than our whole paper in Reno. But I didnít want to make a sober demographic. I talked to my sponsor, I said, she's inviting me to come to Dallas. I don't really want to take a sober geographic. Don't know whether I ought to go or not. He said, well, let me ask you a question. He said. Do you want to go? You got somebody down there you wantto go see? I said. No, I don' t really wantto do that. He said., Do you need to go.? Do you neet to get out of town? I said., No,I don't need to getout of town. There's no heat on me here. He said,. Do you have to go?. Do youhave a girlfriendthat is makingyou go down there? I said。 No,i don't have togo. He said。 Well, if you don'twant to goand if youdon't needto go And if you don't have to go, hell, then you can go. Absolutely true. If you run that test on any time you move, you'll never have to take a sober geographic. And so I moved to Dallas in 1983. And I moved by UPS. I'd sold my car for $500. My boxers and I owned up into three boxes. And I called UPS, they picked them up, and they shipped them to my sister. And then I hitchhiked from Reno, Nevada to Salt Lake City, Utah, because you could fly for $99 one way from Salt Lake to Dallas. And so I flew for $999 to Dallas, Texas, and I landed in Dallas February 1 of 1983. And I've been there ever since. And I got a sponsor in Dallas. My whole life came together real quick in Dallas, real quick. I got back in the insurance business in Dallas I got married in Dallas Got divorced in Dallas That was an interesting experience. I found out there's an interesting thing about going through all that Because that wasn't part of the plan. And I found out that you cannot do divorce right in Alcoholics Anonymous. So no matter what you do, a third of the group will be mad at you. Just figure it out. A third of them are going to be mad if you get divorced. Because you get divorce and so you'll say, okay, I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to hang out here. I'm going to work on my staff and try to get well. And so a third, third of group will stay after a few weeks. They'll say look at John. He's isolating. he's isolating this is no good this is not good for him he needs to get out he needs to accept that divorce and get on with his life he's isolated over there so you say ok I'm going to start to date so you start dating somebody and they'll say look at this guy he's rebounding man the guy's rebounding here he's getting involved way too soon shouldn't get involved way too sooner don't want to do that so you still ok I am going to date a bunch of people so a third group oh look at that look at him he's screwing the whole group he's going through the whole room he's out of control so there's nothing you can do that's going to be right just assume that and then you'll be okay and so I'm going through that divorce it was very painful it was pretty painful and it would hit me in waves you know and they told me they said now when all else fails you need to work with another alcoholic so I started going to a lot of newcomers meetings I'd pass my business out to a bunch of newcomer you know and the problem is when you do that they start to call you you know So I started sponsoring all these guys coming out of these treatment centers. This was like 89. And so I'm sponsoring all this new guys coming from these treatment center. And they had a lot of stuff that was new to me, that they got involved in. And I was totally unaware of that. I mean, I'd call them. They'd call me on the phone and say, if you're going to help me, John, we need to get together and discuss some of my core issues. didn't know what a core issue was. I'd say, well, I don't want you to talk about it. He'd say we need to explain this. See, I come from a very dysfunctional family and because of that, you know, I never had any proper role models that learned me how I should set proper boundaries. and which, quite frankly, I have some abandonment issues which really have brought on a lot of sex problems that just are driving me nuts, you know. I'm listening to that. I'm exhausted. We've only been talking on the phone for five minutes. I'm exhausting. I said, I guess we need to get together. So they come over to the house and they bring all these books with them. These new books they got out of these jitter joints and they're bringing these books over there because I'm supposed to help them and they are all on their latest antidepressant and it's helping them and I'm no doctor. So they give me all this stuff. I'm going to tell you, if they give you all those books to read, let me tell you if you want to get involved in that stuff and read those books let me show you what will happen to you. You'll relate. and I'll tell you why you'll relate what they've done very conveniently is they've taken all of our character defects and they've compartmentalized them you know and made them some call them issues you know it's a fascinating thing and I know I was in the insurance business when they did that Let me tell you why they did that. The treatment centers were treating us, and we weren't getting any better. And they were putting out, it's got to be like $40,000 a month for treatment. You get $30,000, $40k a month of treatment. Pretty soon they put out a quarter of a million dollars on us, and we're still getting drunk. And so they ran some surveys, and they found out that the same percentage of people that go to AA stay sober as those who go to treatment and then go to AAA. Percentage was the same. So they said, you know what? We're not going to pay for this treatment. We're going to deem alcoholism as a mental disorder. Disorders became the new word. So all those character defects are now disorders. And they said so we're going to pay $5,000 for mental disorder, lifetime benefit, period. They said we can't get you well for $5. $5 thousand. So that's all we're gonna pay for that disorder. They said, OK, $5 000 for alcoholism. Let me ask you a question. Will y'all pay us $5,000 for depression? Oh yeah, we'll pay you $5.000 for anxiety disorder. Oh yeah. We'll pay $5K for anxiety disorders. So all of a sudden they started piling on all these disorders that we all have. We call them defects. They pile on all of these disorders. and pretty soon they got their money back. That's how that all came about, you know? And the proof of that statement is, I want to promise you, think about it, if you've been in treatment in the last ten years, when you got out of treatment, you had more than one thing wrong with you, didn't you? Because they can't treat you if you only got one thing right. One thing wrong. You've got to have a lot wrong with your... And the thing is, we do. we do alcoholism it's very complicated and there's a ton wrong with us we've got all that crap we've had all of it and it's all the same disease alcoholism you depressed see I want to tell you if you drink a depressant for 20 years you'd probably be depressed So I'm sitting there and they're going through all this stuff and I don't know what they're doing I'm totally unprepared for all this but they're not getting well they're getting drunk and I'm working I'm getting sick I'm not getting any relief I go to my sponsor's house and I said you know what I've done everything you sons of bitches told me to do I'm NOT getting any well my program is not working My program is not working. And he looked at me and he said, Well, why don't you try ours? And then he asked me some key questions. He said, John, let me ask you something. How many people under a year are you sponsoring? I said, 14. Any of them getting well? I said no. And I'm getting sick. And he said, well, let me ask you. Are you passing on to them the same simple program of AA that was passed on to you? And I wasn't. And I had to go to those guys and make amends. Knowing that most of them would leave and go find other sponsors. And maybe they'd get well. You know? Because I was not passing on in the same program that then was passed onto me. And I don't want anybody to leave today, after you've been so nice to invite me up here, and not know the program of A that was passed on to me. Because that's what I'm responsible for. It was passed down the program and it was passed onto me. And when I sit in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I know how hard this is for the old-timers, to sit in there and they're off on a tangent talking about their anger management and what their sponsor has them doing or the counselor has them doing for anger management and all this other stuff that they're into. You know, and you feel like, where am I? You know? And when you try to say something about it, they all jump down your neck and they say, you know, Bill Wilson wouldn't do that. You know. I don't know how hard that is. But I don' t want anybody to leave with not knowing the program that's passed on to me because your life depends on that. The program of alcoholics And the program of AA that was passed on to me doesn't say a damn thing about dealing with any issues. Nothing about it. In fact, it says just the opposite. It says, John, you can't do it. If you could have dealt with those things, you'd have done it 25 years ago. I can't deal with that stuff. I don't know how to deal with my anger. I don'T call my sponsor to learn how to manage my life better. That's not what I do My sponsor is not the fire chief That's there to put out fires that I start AA is not a fire station Where they come running in there with their hair on fire Saying, what am I going to do? I've done this, I've gone that That's now what we do in AA AA is a program That has A lifestyle that works The lifestyle that worked it really works. We teach you how to not start the fire. You know, that's what we do in AA. We find out in AA that I am powerless. I do not have the power to be anything other than what I am. I'm a liar and I can't be anything but a liar. So I'm going to have to find me a power greater than myself that will solve my problem. That's what we do in A. It's a spiritual plan that's going to find, I'm going to find a power. I'm beyond human help. I'm beyond that. If human help would have helped me, it would have done it. Never did me any good. Got me all kinds of hot water. I'm Beyond Human Help. I need to find a power greater than myself that's going to solve my problem. I call my sponsor to learn how to surrender my life, not manage it. And there's a big difference between surrendering your life to a power greater Than Yourself and managing your life. And it all has to do with honesty. It all has do with being totally honest. I got guys who want to ask me to say, you know, here's what I've done. What am I going to tell her? Oh, how about the truth? God, she'll leave. Yeah, hopefully. Well, how can I phrase that so she doesn't leave? You can. We're going to be honest about it and let the chips fall where they might. What am I going to tell my boss? Probably the truth. He'll fire me. Yeah, probably. You know? But God is going to take care of us. Now all that applies, I don't want to have this power grid in our south, this AA deal only applies if you really believe in God. If you believe that God loves you and God is gonna take care of you. Do you really believe that? Or is that just AA podium rhetoric? Is that just stuff we talk about to make each other feel better? You know, maybe this whole thing is just a coincidence. You know, that Bill and Bob got together here 70 years ago. And this whole thing worked out. Now millions of us have got sober. It's just a coincidence. You know? It's like I'm sitting in my home group. Sitting in my own group. I'm only two years sober. Dallas North is my home groups. I'm siting down there two years over getting ready for his birthday night. 200 people at that big group. 200 people there celebrating birthday night after the party. I'm leaving to go home. Joanne's working the front desk. Joanne comes up to me, grabs me, and she says, Hey, this little guy called from San Antonio. Her mother called. This woman called from san antonio And her son's here in dallas drunk and he's suicidal. He's gonna kill himself She called once she can't get up here quick enough to save him. You want to make this 12-step call? And I said not if he's got a gun, you know And I say give me the phone and let me call her so I called her on the phone down in san an tonio Little lady answered the phone crying. She said my son called me And he's drunk in Dallas, been drunk for a long time, and he's real disoriented. He drinks and drugs when he's out there. Disoriented, and they couldn't find A.A.'s phone number. But he could remember his mama's phone number, he called his mama and asked her to call A.I. in Dallas to help him. Because she said, he's suicidal, he was going to kill him. Can you help my son? I said, let me call him. So she gave me his phone number and I called him on the phone, phoned him who it was and said, do you want some help? He said, yeah, I want some health. and I said well where are you we'll come see you and he said man I can't tell you where I am so I've been drinking a drug and I haven't been to bed in two weeks he said I'm disoriented I can never tell you how to get here he said just give me your address we'll find you he said it won't work man it's a brand new street it's not even in mapsco you never find it I'm too messed up to tell you give you directions I said give me your damn phone number or your address I'll find ya so I gave him his address Zip on Dome Street now I've told this story for 20 years 22 years Every month in Dallas, Texas, I do the steps and I tell this story. I have thousands of drunks all around me, every group in Dallas-Fort Worth area. I've told this story to you for 22 years. And I always ask, does anybody know where Dome Street is? There's thousands of people in Dallas Texas who live there, I've asked. Nobody knows where DOME Street is. It's only a street two blocks long, very hard to find. But see, I know where DOME Street is, I'm alright. I have a client that lives on Dome Street. He doesn't live on DOME Street, he is literally the next door neighbor of the guy making the phone call. I said, oh, I know that address. I know right where you are. I'll be there in 20 minutes. Got the guy sponsoring me to make that toast. That's just a coincidence, isn't it? God ain't going to do that. You know the odds of that? The odds of a lady in San Antonio calling directory information asking for AA. We've got like 150 groups in Dallas. For some reason, an operator picks Dallas North. I'm only two years sober, 200 people at the meeting, but Joanne picks me to give that 12-step call to, and I know where Dome Street is. You know the odds of that? I'm a gambler, right? Oh yeah, I want to bet on that. That'll happen a lot. Just a coincidence. God ain't going to do that. God ain'T going to put just the right person at just the Right Time with just the RIGHT information in our lives since God works through people. That's just a coincidence, isn't it? A little while later, I'm going out to California on a business trip. I'm at the airport. Going to leave at 9 o'clock in the morning. Big sign up there, the plane's been delayed an hour. No big deal, I get my coffee. I'm waiting an hour, they come back an hour later and they say, listen, this plane, this flight's been canceled, the plan's broke, won't work. But there's a plane two gates down going to California, there's some standby room on it. So 200 of us run down there to get on standby. There's only 17 seats left on that standby. I'm the second to the last guy that's been on standby. So I get on standby, go back to that plane. There's one seat left. This is where you can smoke on airplanes. There's a seat in the smoking section right next to the window. Right next to that is this good-looking gal in a red dress. You'll never forget that red dress, God has worked on my life to death, you know? So I sit down. And this is a bad seat. This is a chatterbox. It's got chatter, chatter, chat, chatter. I have not had enough coffee for this woman. It was that and then I thought. Finally, the plane takes off. She sets up. She pulls out a needlepoint. She's needlepointing. I look over. She's needlepointing the serenity prayer. I thought, my turn. So I said, what are you doing? She says, I'm needlepointed. I said. I know. What are you needlepointeing? She's real embarrassed. She didn't want to show me. She said, oh, nothing. I'm just needlepointin'. I said., what are your needlepointings? She finally holds up and she says, well, they call this the serentity prayer? I said, oh man, are you one of those Jesus freaks? She goes, no, no. Master's real nervous, you know. Her hands are sweaty. She knows I'm watching her. She says, but I'm trying to lead a spiritual life. I said really? She says yeah. She didn't even point it going over. I thought I better stop this poor gal before she breaks a finger. I said honey listen, if that's the serenity prayer and you're trying to lead this spiritual life, let me ask you a question. Are you a friend of Bill W.'s? Boy, she stopped and sighed. And she said, yeah. Are you? I said, no. I said he died a long time before I got sober, you know. He was really dead, you knows. Come to find out this poor gal that she had a couple months sober. This was her first trip away from home. And was petrified because she was scared to death she was going to drink. She'd also had her first drunk dream the night before. And she thought it was a premonition she was gonna get drunk. She was going to be out in California, didn't know anybody out in California. She was gonna be out there for two weeks on training for a new company and I was just scared to death. And she said, we had a great three-hour meeting. I told her about some of my drunk dreams and what that was all about. I gave her some phone numbers of people out there in California that she could call, take her to a meeting. She said, we cried. She said, can you believe what God did? I've been trying to quit smoking. So I stood up at the non-smoking section. When they announced you guys were going to come on board, we could move seats if we wanted to. Can you believe that God would have me move back here to sit in this seat so I could sit by you? I said, hell, He canceled my whole plan to get me to come over here and sit by you. That's just a coincidence, isn't it? Come on, John. God ain't going to do that. God ain'T going to cancel a plan so you can make a 12-step call. Don't be ridiculous. That's It's a coincidence, you know? God ain't going to put just the right person at just the right time with just the Right Information in our lives to help us. Since God works through people, come on, it's just a coincidence. Right? 1990, I'm down in Del Rio, Texas. It's a border town. Small border town They got a conference they used to have down there. They don't have it anymore. About 70 people in that conference. They invited me to come down there and share something down there in Del Rio. and I meet this gal Saturday on her badge it says Dottie E from Connecticut and I said Dottier what are you doing here from Connecticut she said well I'm on my way to see my husband he's in the military he's going to be he's a soldier he's an officer he's been in the Navy he's being in San Diego in the navy I was driving down from Connecticut to see him we spent the day in Del Rio spent last night in Del Rio we're going to go on today but we decided to spend the day in Del Real I called A.A. they told me about this conference so I thought I'd come to it And I said, well, great. Welcome to Texas. So I spoke Saturday night. When I get through speaking, Dottie comes up to me. She heard my story. She said, so you grew up in Utah? I said yeah. She said by any chance do you have any relatives in Orem, Utah? And I says, well I grew up on Orem Utah. It's my hometown. She said well are you related to Mark and Betty Jo? I said well they're my parents. Dottie starts to cry. She throws her arm around me and tells me what her last name is. She says, Bobby is my husband. Tommy's my husband? She said, Tommy's my first cousin. He's three days older than me. We grew up together, ripping and running. Turned 18. I went to college. He joined the Navy. I'd seen Tommy one time in 18 years. Didn't know he was in AA. He had met Dottlie and Athletics Anonymous. They got married. And she was on her way, she was in Connecticut, he was in San Diego station. She says, I'm on my way to see Tommy because Tommy's drunk and I'm divorcing him. We caught him, he wasn't drunk that night. She said, Tommy had a real God problem. And I cracked the little door. We were able to make a 12-step call on Tommy. And I know where Tommy is today. you know and I also know Tom's got 14 years sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous today you know now that's just a coincidence isn't it God ain't going to do that you know the odds of that she's in Connecticut he's in San Diego I'm in Dallas and I meet this gal married to my first cousin in Del Rio you know because she decided to spend the day nobody spends the day in Del Rio that's just a coincidence isn't it God ain't going to do that God ain'T going to put just the right person at just the time with just the information in our lives to help us is He since God works through people that's not the way it's going to be it's just coincidence Patty and I Patsy and I work in Hawaii at the Hawaiian State Convention for Alcoholics Anonymous And Friday morning we got up, and they called, and my dad had died in Salt Lake. And we couldn't get off the island. We couldn't go up until Saturday. So we got off the Island on Saturday, and we had to fly a weird way because all the flights were so crazy. We had to go from Hawaii to San Francisco, and we hade a four-and-a-half-hour layover in San Francisco. And then we had go clear back to Dallas, and then from Dallas down to Houston, and then Houston back to Salt Lake, It took 24 hours to get there. And we got there on Sunday afternoon. We buried my dad Monday morning. And Tuesday, I'm getting ready to leave. My son took me. He was living in Salt Lake. He dropped me off at the airport. And I had about two hours, three hours before the plane was going to leave and that was really the first time I'd been alone. And so I'm sitting there in the Salt Lake City Airport and I'm lonely and I're real tired. I'm real tired, hadn't slept at all. and I'm sitting and I start into that valley where I'm lonely and tired I'm a little angry wasn't all that hungry but I'm starting into the valley and when you go into the Valley it's dark and it's scary and there's a sense of impending doom and I started to beat myself up and I sort of say you know what was I doing in Hawaii my dad had a heart attack three months ago I called my mom before we left. She said, yeah, he's doing fine. Go ahead and go. But the good son would have gone home and been with his mom when she needed him. I should have gone to Utah and been there with my dad before he died. This AA stuff when I hear all this shit, it's just ego. I should've gone and been with my mom and my dad before he dies. And I'm right in the middle of beating myself up real bad. And over the paging system comes this page. and it says, will a friend of Bill W. pick up the white page you phoned? I started laughing. He needs a 12-step call. I picked up the phone and there was a young guy from Chicago. We met in a bar and I said to him, I said, man, I've never heard of you, Paige. Friends of Bill W. all the time He said, never done it before Just want to see if there are any drunks in Utah Because dad had died a year prior to that We had a great hour meeting in that bar In that coffee shop You know So that was for me That one was for you That one for me That's just a coincidence isn't it God ain't going to do that But it is It told me I'm right See, my dad was going to die anyway. My primary purpose is to help other alcoholics. And I was right where I was supposed to do. Right where I'm supposed to be doing what I'm supposed to being doing. That's just a coincidence, isn't it? God ain't going to do that. I'm sure you all have heard a lot of pages for Bill W. in airports. Never heard one before or heard a sentence, you know. That's such a coincidence. God ain'T going to put just the right person at just the right time with just the right information in our lives to help us easy since God works through people I share that with you tonight because I know that there are some people in this room this morning in a lot of pain because life goes on when you get sober it doesn't really seem to matter whether you've been sober 30 days or 20 years sometimes it hurts to be sober because life happens and when you're in there sometimes you just don't know man you've missed over 20 years and you're going through all that that's stuck in life it's like you've crawled over the edge of the precipice and you look into the abyss and you don't really know and you just look and you don't even know does this God stuff really work or do I need to go find another program do I needs to get on something else to help me through this I've worked all the steps I've done everything I've sponsored people I've read the book a jillion times and my life's miserable what do I mean to do and if that's where you are then you need to know that this morning I know more than ever that God loves us He loves us and God Himself will go to any lengths to see that you get it I used to think that was a one way street that we had to be willing to go down the ranks to get sober I know today that God will go to any lengths to see you get this deal. He loves you that much. And if you're having a rough time right now, which you're going to have, then you need to know that. And if You need to borrow my God so You can find a power of Your own that will solve your problem, then do that. because I've borrowed your God lots when I didn't know. And the God of my understanding today will go to anything to see you get well. But we have the only disease whose recovery was designed by God including, in that recovery, God. It's an incredible deal. Now, I don't know when God will help you. But I know exactly how God will help you I know Exactly how God is going to help you No matter what your problem is What God's going to do He's going To put just the right person At just the Right time With just the RIGHT information That you need Because God works Through people And that's why our fellowship becomes so important It's because you're the people that God didn't talk to me through and I love you so much for that I just love you with all my heart and thank you for reminding us to come share thank you