Jerry E. on the Permanent State of the Disease and Staying Sober — Session 9

I can't believe it's already day three here everything's flying by the way time goes but it's been unbelievable and I've heard a lot of great things and I hope everyone here is getting something from this that I know I picked up a few things that I'll never forget from this. Al told me that that probably would happen to us so this is from 9 to 12 and this is the last day we have the book up here that I think that everybody's signed the other day if you haven't signed it yet today if you'd like to sign it pass it around again get people to sign the book Jerry wants us to take a little time and Al asked me that he would like to say a couple of things before we get going, so I'm going to turn it over to Big Al. Big Al! Keep going until he comes back. I like microphones. I want to first of all thank everybody for coming. A lot of anxiety along the way when we first started. My friend Ralph was our first registrant, and he took care of the first two. And off we went, as the time went on. I remember Jerry was heading up to Casper, Wyoming and he said that they had 30 people registered and we had 21 at the time. I said all right, we can get to 30. We had over a month to go, and I think the final tally, We counted 92 people here on Saturday morning. It's been just the most wonderful thing. I got a lot of people come up to me and wanted to thank me, and it's at those moments that I realized that I didn't do much at all except try to pretend that I was doing something, but there were a lot of people behind the scenes that we're doing a lot more. And I didn't want Billy to say anything about his own wife, so I'm gonna be the one to say it. Billy's wife Leslie, who is another non-alcoholic, stepped up to the plate. She, you know, Leslie's one of those people but you ask her to do something. You hear Jerry talking about the path that we're on, you ask us to do somethin' and we do it because we have to do it. But Leslie's a non-alcoholic and she does what she's asked to do because she's just that way. She's just one of those people and I get to spend my life with them, me and Becky. You know, I don't know, is Donald here yet? Probably down at the door. Greeting McDonnell has been a tremendous help to us. Colin, my brother, newest guy in the family, you know Billy's boy, jumped onto this thing and lit up like a Christmas tree. You know anything you ask of him he does. It's just, I don't want to forget Andy. Jerry said to me we were gonna ask about tapers and we were gonna get some guys in here to do the taping. He said, what about Andy? Called Andy up, and Andy explained to me that he was getting married and they were making wedding plans, but yeah, I'll be down. I guess he's part of the program, huh? Can't say no, huh. And so there he is, and he's been here faithfully every morning. I really wanted to tell you how much I've been touched by this fellow here in the front row, Bob F. Jerry said call him, call him up. Get in touch with him. This is his number, this is information. And we did and we spoke and Bob's words were whatever you need me to do, I'll do it. Whatever you need. I guess the greatest compliment that I could pay Bob, I was sitting there yesterday with my baby, and she said to me, if I was an alcoholic, she said, you're too close. I would never ask you to be my sponsor, but I'd ask him. So you'd be her sponsor, Bob. And she's been around for a few, so she knows what a good sponsor looks like and I'd have to concur with her. I think I'd join her on that one. But you have been a very big piece of what's happened from my weekend here, and I really thank you for that. We have a book that I hope everybody signed. We're gonna present it to a young lady that, I don't think she's here this morning, but she's like three or four days sober in attending this convention, this little thing of ours. So we're gonna pass that out to her. I hope I'm not forgetting anybody. I wanna thank Gail for bringing Jerry because that's what she's doing these days. She's carrying them along, but for the ladies in the room believing if you haven't met Gail and had a chance to spend some time with Gail, you should. She's one of the lights of this AA program. So with that, Mr. Dean, would you? Thanks everybody. but you just had to show it off yeah he looks good that's the only thing that matters big Al I'm from Kansas Al's from Rhode Island out here But he's got a KU shirt on, KU pants on. What else KU? Do you probably have socks? We have a jacket. We have jacket. We don't go any further. I like it. Becky says we don't want to go any closer. Are we okay here? Okay. How's everybody this morning? Good. good thank you anybody read the daily reflection today yeah I got a good friend back there the daily reflexion today reminded me that the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking you know I've read some stuff on that and there was some debate about that years ago and they thought about making it read the only requirement for membership is an honest desire to stop drinking and they decided that that might be a bit too narrow and I agree with that after all these years who else when we first arrive here can say we're honest about anything I'm still at the time that I show up in AA in 1977 I'm not going to tell you I'm wearing a mask of some sort so I couldn't have said anything about an honest desire to stop drinking I had a desire to stop drinking but i don't know how honest it was i and in part anybody anybody arrive here a little bit under the gun if you don't go to aa you know this is it and so i i remember those were the conditions that i started here i just you guys in aa kept talking about total abstinence and And that just, it used to just, God, I hated the sound of that. Total abstinence. And part of the reason that I hated that was because I just knew in my heart of hearts that I could not maintain anything like total abstinENCE. I don't think I'd been going to this little home group of mine for more than about three weeks. and the guy that actually got me into that group, he was an old retired railroader and he said, Jerry, a guy's celebrating a one-year anniversary in this little town south of us about 15 miles, said let's go down and join that meeting tonight when he celebrates a year anniversary. So we went down there and this guy was up here and just like where I am except he was standing And he spoke for an hour and I tell you what, I watched that guy and I don't think I've ever seen anybody who just manifested some sort of a radiance of his personality. I just, he was, I know, Bob knows exactly what I'm talking about. And I just kept watching him and I'm sinking lower and lower and the reason I was getting lower and lower and he was celebrating a year and I thought I'm not sure I'm gonna make it to the end of this month. Maybe not even the end this week. And so when he got through speaking I made up my mind I'm going to head out that door. Anybody remember the old meeting places where everything goes on up here and the door is way back here? And so I thought, I'm headed for that door, I're going to get out of here, just kind of like that experience up in Hudson on Mass. Anyway, he got through, and we said amen, and I bolted for that doorway, and somehow this guy's name was Dave, and somehow Dave beat me to the door. And he says, Jerry, I was watching you all the time I was speaking up there and you looked very unhappy. And I said, well, Dave, as a matter of fact I don't know you but I was very unhappy and he said, why? I said Dave, you're up there you're celebrating an AA anniversary of one year and I said I'm a guy who's not sure that I'm going to make it to the end of the week and that was probably as honest as I could get and he said well Jerry how do you think I made a year and I said Dave I don't have any idea and he gave me the keys to the kingdom when he said I did it one day at a time God that's you know we get that when we first arrive here and then somehow we get so busy we start thinking about trying to make it for a month trying to make it for a year, trying to maybe have five years. And listen, all I have is today. I don't care where you are in your length of time in sobriety. All I have istoday. I have a reasonable assurance that I might get a little more time if I keep hanging around with you folks. One of the reasons that I know that's true, I'd be so embarrassed if I went out and drank I don't think I'd come back you know I have my pride after all it's not completely gone but you know we've been talking this whole weekend about the hopeless nature of this illness and if we don't find some power by which we can live we won't make it and I I don't think I was some time of sobriety in my first year maybe six, eight months something like that and I got a call from a doctor he said Jerry I understand you're in AA these days and I said yes I am He said, listen, I've got a guy that's having a tough time. This is a little town about 14 miles away. He said I've Got a Guy That's in Pretty Serious Condition and he can't seem to get sober and right now his wife does not know where he is. Could you maybe drive over there and spend a little time with her and see if he couldn't help? So of course, you know, I'm new in AA and I don't know much of anything but I do know this. I will always get on my white horse and ride off." And so, I really have, I've been, you guys have been teaching that ever since I got here. If I don't have a good reason to say no, the answer is yes. So we went off over there and this guy was retired from the telephone company in that part of the world where I live. If you had a job with the telephone company, I don't care how low the job was, it's a good job. And this guy had just retired, so he was a relatively young man and he had a new pickup and we finally found him. He had taken this pickup and driven into a garage and then closed the door behind him. And his wife said he won't come out. Of course, we didn't have cell phones in those days. And I watched that man stay in that garage with the engine running on that truck. And by the time we were able to finally get the door busted open, he was gone. And again, I'm so self-centered in those days that I don't know what I'm seeing. Now I do and what I was observing was the absolute nature of this illness, just exactly where it will take us. And you know I'm so convinced that if I thought for even a little bit, just one drink is all I need, just one drank. We all have low spots don't we? Don't think just because I got a little time I don't have a low spot once in a while because I do and that and and I tell you a little secret I've also learned that if I'm wise if I have any wisdom at all I know that every time I have a high spot I'm going to have a lower spot that's just the way it works and I and I don t think I so Jay you better watch it Elkins if you start to feel it real good high here because it's gonna bounce to a real low it's best for me that's for me if i just kind of do a you know kind of a middle c and uh and and that's a little prescription that i've given myself and it seems to work um you know the years and years and years go by and i end up out here on the east coast and one thing led to another And the next thing I know, we've got a little AA group started out there in our home. We had a call from people up in New York and Lake Canandaigua area, beautiful area. And some people out there asked me if I'd come out for a weekend and speak out there. And so I said sure. And a young lady I'd been working with named Jackie. And Jackie called me. She said, I understand you're going out to Lake Canandagua to speak. And I said, yeah, I am. She said, you know, I wouldn't mind going out for that same weekend. I said Jackie, that'd be great. You can ride along with us if you want to. And she says no, I have a friend that's really having a tough time. I mean a really tough time, another young lady. And so I think we'll just come out in our own car and we'll meet you out there. And I say it'll be fine. But she said would you talk to her if I bring her along? I said oh absolutely. So they did, they came out and we spent a little time together. Lovely young woman. She really was, I don't know, she must have been about 28, 30 years old. And really if you just looked at her, you'd say this young woman has everything to live for. and she was absolutely miserable i mean low-bottom miserable and so i spent the weekend with her and i gave her my number one aa pitch and when the end of the weekend came i wish i could say i had been very good delivering a message of hope and she told jackie my friend jackie who Jackie related to me that notwithstanding what AA is all about she felt like she just wanted to step in front of a train terrible, terrible thought so we get on back to Mass and I go to work on Monday and one thing or another and Jackie called me in the middle of the morning and she said her friend and she called her by name stepped in front of a plane this morning and I don't want to be morbid about anything I really truly don't what I'm trying to point out is this illness will progress to the point where that does look like it's the only best option that's where this illness will take us and I don't think that it pertains to all of us in here including me but most everybody in this room this morning is here because you're interested in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous being in recovery or being recovered I like better what I have been saying the whole weekend is people who are willing to be here this weekend are folks who are destined to carry the message from here out to there that's the reason you're here and we all believe you know, we're absorbed in our AA meetings and I don't know if you're like this if this is where I am I'm in a good solid AA community I just presume that everybody is and you know do you ever remember a Sunday morning or a holiday morning like this where it's gray, drizzly and you've been drinking the entire weekend and you wake up and you don't have any more alcohol there's no place that's open you can go get some and you're not drinking and you think you know you shouldn't drink but the idea of trying to not drink today is more than the body and spirit can withstand and so the only thought that's on your mind is I've got to go find some booze somewhere I'd break into a liquor store if I had to when I'm in that condition and I've had people tell me that they did and there's some really funny stories except there's tragedy behind them but I can remember being in that spot and so like I say one of the things when I'm sitting in the warmth of my little AA community and you are my AA community AA family and so I'm setting in the bosom of my AA family I forget that there's a lot of folks out there right now who are so miserable from untreated alcoholism And our job is to be here to carry that message whenever the opportunity arises, whenever and wherever. As I mentioned early on in this weekend, when I first got into AA, I wasn't well recovered. I wasn' t drinking. But within about two months of arriving at AA, I had some professional people begin to call me and ask me if I'd come and talk to an alcoholic. I was real sick over here, real sick over there. I'd drive 30 miles away, I'd ride 15 miles away I'd work right there in my own community and the only message I really had was I couldn't stop drinking, I started going to AA meetings, we meet Tuesday night at 8 o'clock down at the corner of 8th and Main and that's that was the substance of my message but if you want to come and join us I have a hunt that what we're doing would help you That was all I had. That's not a real strong message but you go with what you have and I'm reminded of the story of Bill and Lois when Bill said to Lois after six months of trying to get somebody to join in with him and to get sober and he said to she said you know sweetheart I've been out there beating the bushes trying to find somebody that wants this AA stuff and nobody stayed sober and she said well you have and see that's that's my story too I I there's nothing new in AA do you know that as much as I want to be original I have I am just I'm just an echo. Almost a footnote. And because of my ego, I want to really be something big. That's an ego buster to know that I'm not much more than a foot note, if that. But I tell you what, when you're out there, I remember my friend Kenny that walked in when I was in that hospital room and he walked in with that black suit black tie and white shirt and he was just crisp and clean and he walked in said my name's Kenny and I'm from AA and I just want to tell you that we're here if you ever want us. Now I tell you what I didn't need much more of a message than that at that point so I'm coming to a point the point is whenever we're asked we say yes unless there's good reason real good reason to say no because we think we know whether we have a good message or not sometimes the only message we have is we're upright and sober today and i don't care whether we're very impressive or not very impressive to an alcoholic who just can't stop drinking somebody from aa walks in and they're upright they're clean and theyre sober and they are smiling that's a hell of a message right there so that's the commercial we ought to get to the programming somewhere suddenly don't leave anything out sweetheart but she knows it's time to move on see she has hand signal you beat this topic to death here and I have I know that I'm sorry. I think we left off in step eight, didn't we? So we start going about the business of making direct amends wherever possible I one of the amends that I had to make early on after I finally got through this process and I've been sober for quite some time nearly at least about 15 years and I I once worked for a government agency, federal agency, and they had – I had a beautiful leather briefcase that they gave me to do my work with. And what the nature of the work was, no big mystery about it, I'm not FBI or anything like that. It was the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation back in the middle 80s when a lot of banks were failing. and so I had this beautiful leather briefcase because we were going out closing banks, and again I wasn't real well recovered. I really thought I was important and so anyway I got this briefcase and then before long they asked me one day Jerry do you know how to operate an HP-12C which is a really a a nice little handheld, it's actually almost a small computer. It does a lot of stuff. So they gave me an HP-12C. I've got this briefcase and I'm out there thank you all. Thank you very much. So I'm up there helping, I love to say I was out there closing banks. Truth of the matter was I was up there just doing what they told me to do. And kind of stayed out of the way whenever possible. Anyway, I really like that briefcase and I like that little HB12C and I don't know six or six months or so after I got the first one somebody came to me one day and they said well Jerry you're doing a lot of bank closings do you need a briefcase in an HB 12 C? I've already got one you understand one of each. I said yeah I can use sure use one. So they gave me another one. So now I got one that's brand new, the other ones now hardly broken in yet so I got when this brand-new and an HP 12C is still in the box and I squirreled away at my house and I don't know I don' know it wasn't too much time before somebody came to me again says Jerry do you need one of those briefcases we use for bank closings? I said, well, as a matter of fact, they do. God almighty, it's a wonder I ever got sober for any length of time. And I got another HB12C. So now I've got three of each. The years go by and one thing or another and I finally wind up my career with that agency I don't turn any of that stuff back in it's nice stuff, great briefcase but it's kind of like the golf balls what are you going to do with them? You can't use them I can't go get this briefcase out of the closet because it'll just remind me that I've basically stolen it Not to put too fine a point on it. So we go along for a number of years and I've been away from the FDIC for quite some time and now I'm doing my amends and I see the golf balls, I got to take those back and then at dawn something, I gotta take the briefcase, the three briefcases and the HB12C's, you gotta take those and so I happen to be I have by this time I've just met Gail so I'm in Kansas City where it's which is the same city where I used to work for the FDIC and so I just called the office and I said listen who's in charge these days and And they said, I'll never forget this. They said, Caesar. I thought, Caesar? God almighty. See, I didn't like that answer because Caesar was a straight arrow. I mean, as long as I had known him. I had know him for, I don't know, seven, eight years. And Caesar was an absolutely by the book, straight arrow, and I don't think he ever, I don' t think he would have stolen the book of matches from the FDIC. Just wouldn't have done it. So it's Cesar and I said oh my God. I said well can I talk to him? They said sure he's in. I wish he'd been gone but he was in. And so I said Cesar listen I've got some business I need to conduct with you guys down there. Would you have any time to see me hopefully he would say no and because I don't think sage are really cared for me but not much which so I can kind of understand why but that's another story so I said could I come down and see he said sure so I said when this is tomorrow morning at 10 now I'm in Kansas City I'm trying to impress Gail because I know that I'm hooked up with her if she'll be if she put up with me, I'm gonna go wherever she'll let me go. So I, God, I gotta go down there and so I'm, she's gone off to work, I've got these briefcases and I'm ready to go down to the FDIC's office downtown Kansas City the next day and I get the Kansas City Star and Times and I pick it up and I I'm just thumbing through it and I happen to get to about page four maybe page six it's not it's front-page stuff but there's a little about a about a five inch column and it's an article that says ex-government employee gets sentenced to four years in prison I'm gonna read this article and it's about a young woman who's done I think less than I had done and pled guilty in federal court to theft from the government agency and she gets four years in prison and I'm about ready to go down and tell the federal agency that I've just stolen these briefcases and these HB12Cs from you, and I think the value of that stuff was far more than what hurt the value of the stuff she had stolen. And I thought, you know, if I go down there and do this, I'll betcha, I betcha I'll be in jail before sundown. But you know you make these commitments and I honest to God can't tell you that I had the strength or the courage or the backbone to go do what I needed to do. I just didn't have it. And here's what has happened to me over and over and in my sobriety. I find myself taking just one step towards doing what I need to do, the step I needed do that particular morning when I had that appointment was to go take a shower, get dressed, put this stuff in the car, Head downtown and I literally took one step at a time, one more step, one more, and I'm driving downtown and all the way I'm going downtown I'm just sick of my stomach because I just know that I'm gonna be arrested that day. And I remember parking, I had a pickup in those days, I parked that old white pickup, got the stuff out of the car, out of pickup, going in and I was carrying three briefcases and these HB-12Cs in my arm And I go and I get on the elevator, and the floor that I'm going to see Cesar is just floor two, and just that slight movement when that elevator started up. You know how it went up? And the centrifugal force of that just my knees almost buckled because I was that petrified. And the doors open and I don't even want to get off the elevator. If I do, The next thing I know, I'm in there in the office and I go to the receptionist, the secretary for Cesar and I said my name's Jerry Elkins. I'm here to see Cesar, I have an appointment. Is he in? I'm hoping that he's forgotten he has this appointment and she says yeah, he's in. So I said well what do you want me to do? She said well, go on in. God I look back on that and I think God almighty anyway I go on in and Cesar looks up and he says hi Mr. Elkins God now I'm back to Mr. Eccles and that's not really what you'd call a warm greeting and I said he said what can I do for you and I say well Cesar Now, I had been away from this agency for three or four or five years by this time. And I said, well, Cesar, I got these three briefcases, I've got these HB-12Cs and they're not mine, they belong to you, and I need to return them. He said, Well, set them on that table over there in the corner. I walked over in the corner and I set those items on that table and I turned around and I said, Cesar what do you want me to do now? I really honest to God believed he was going to say well just stay here. I've got the marshals on the way and you know I really believed that. And he said come on over and sit down and I thought well I guess before they haul me off, I'm going to get the lecture. Well shit when you've done stuff wrong you should be getting a lecture and so he said sit down. I came over and I sat down and I'm waiting for the lecture and he looked up and of course he's wearing a shirt that starts to the tenth degree tie that's perfect and everything about Caesar is perfect because that's just kind of a guy he is and he said we'll sit down. So I sat down and he looked up at me and he had a kind of a humane look and he said well, he said what's going on here? I said well Cesar I took this stuff when I left and I said I can't keep it I just can't. He said you know I find that to be kind of funny. He says we just can do that anymore Can we? I tell you what, you have no idea what's going to happen when you start making amends. You don't know. I tell ya what, sometimes I get so disenchanted with our culture here in America because of the way the lifestyles and a lot of the kindness that I used to see as a kid doesn't seem to be around. And about the time I lose faith in humanity here, something like this story with Cesar comes back to mind and he said we just can't do that anymore, can we? What he was saying to me, it sounds like it's coming right straight out of the big book. We can't do that any more, can we? And in that little short sentence which I have never forgotten what he is basically saying is he's had to make some changes too nobody's perfect but we think everybody else is we're the only weasels in the world I do it I just I was anyway so he said sit down now he says how you been and I tried to mumble something and so we began to talk and we didn't talk long maybe 10 minutes at the most and i knew when it was when cesar wants you to be gone you know when he wants you be gone and but he's just that straightforward and i like that i wish i were more like him anyway so i get up to leave and he says jerry would you please stay in touch what do you say that I said okay and I walked out and I remember when I left his office I thought there's no way this can happen I just read about a young lady going to prison for four years who did less than I had done I go out get on that elevator come home I don't tell Gail what I've just been do them. I'm not going to tell her. Anyway, the time goes by and about three or four years later I need some work and I'm not gainfully employed. I live with Gail and I hear by the grapevine that my old friend in the FDIC by the name of Len, who really was a great friend. And I had heard that his youngest boy was a practicing alcoholic. And I heard by the grapevine that Mike had frozen to death in the streets of Denver. He just drank himself to unconsciousness in the middle of the night and laid down and froze to death. and so i thought you know i better get a hold of lynn so i did i called lynn and i said because i knew where he was working he was out in franklin massachusetts so i called out and i talked to lynn for a little bit and revisited about it and i understand that mike froze to death and he's gone now and lynn was really broken he said jerry you'll never know how much i appreciate this call and i asked why is that lynn i said i thank you for saying that but why he said listen there are 750 people in this building or were they after the ic office and he said there's not a soul that i can talk to about this see we don't know when we get moved around like like chess pieces on a chessboard we don t know what we're there for we just do what we do which is what yeah we carry this message isn't that what we d we we don' t have have to be preaching it on every street corner, just our mere presence of being here and sober. I look out at you guys this morning and I think how could anybody not be attracted to this? Isn't that right Bob? Sure it is, sure it is. So he said I have no one to talk to about this so we visited for a little while and I'm about ready to hang up because I know Len's busy, he's the number two man this 750 person office and I know he doesn't have time to be yakking with a nut case like me so I said okay well listen Lynn here's my number call me anytime you want to in the meantime I'll check with you from time to time because I said I know this has got to be a hell of a burden and he says it is and I tried to assure him that just like we all do that it was not his fault you know that's the thing about alcoholism it brutalizes somebody in a family and and Lynn kept thinking he should have done more and I I knew for a fact that Lynn had done everything he could for that son he really had anyway I assured him of that and hung up or started to hang up on before I could get hung up he said what are you doing these days I said I'm driving a truck he said you're not a truck driver and I'm not I'd like to be but I'm not one he said why don't you come back to work for us I can't do this so anyway long story short I said okay so I told Gail I said Gail I'm gonna go back out to Massachusetts. I'm going to go back to work for the FDIC and She said okay, I support that I needed about three thousand dollars to get my stuff moved out there and Get relocated and so I told her I needed a little help if she could do it And she didn't know me at that time that well, and she helped me And they're what we do with one another I mean I I didn't see her as my banker, but she acted as my banker that time. Anyway, so I got out there and I moved in with Lynn. His wife was gone for the summer and I got up here to Massachusetts in April of 1992 and my life took a turn that is unlike anything I've ever experienced in my entire life and I owe so much to the folks of New England. I went to AA within about three days of getting out here, I called the central service in Boston, I said here's where I am is there an AA meeting out here? And the lady, I'll never forget it was about I don't know it was about 7 30 at night and somehow somebody answered and like we do or try to do and she said well there's a meeting in and she gave me the name of the town Milford and I was down in Hopedale and she said but she said you know I think it's too late for you to try to make this meeting and I said sweetheart I'm going to tell you something. I was late getting to AA to begin with. What's a few minutes? And so I did. I jumped in my truck and I tore off to go to find this meeting and got up there and it was about 10 after 8 meeting started at 8 and I walked in late finest damn meeting I've ever been to in my life you know I'd been on the road for about a week I hadn't been to a meeting and I walk in and it's just a bunch of drunks just like we're doing right here and I still like that phrase just a batch of drumps that kind of takes me to where I need to be I'm not important it's just a bunch of drunks and what are we doing we're trying to carry this message to one another if you want it it's here if you don't want it it's still here and I'm not going to bother you and I walked into that meeting and I've got to cut this short because we want to get on to amends anyway we I ran around because I had just been through this process with old Don and I was out making amends and now I end up in Massachusetts, but I'm on fire. Anybody remember going through this for the first time and then you hit your evangelistic stage? God help folks when we're in that evangelistic state because God all I need is a tambourine and a drum and my big book and I'm going to force feed this to you for all my fine talk this weekend about i'm not going to bother you if you don't want this i'll leave you alone well in your evangelistic stage you don'T wait for somebody to say jerry would you please tell me you just force feed it to them you need this so i did that for about a year during that year by the way uh i'm listen you can tell by theway i talked that i'm not from New England, and those folks in those meetings knew I wasn't from New England. But I tell you what, once in a while, not long after I showed up, we had an old guy by the name of Pat Riley. Pat's dead now. And Pat just could barely walk to a meeting. I mean he was in bad shape. And I'd been going to the same meeting where Pat was, and about two weeks in, Pat said hey, I do another little meeting up here on such-and-such a night and we need speaker once in a while would you come next Tuesday and speak up there when asked we say yes so I went out and I spoke at that meeting and before it was over with I had this guy come say Jerry I could use I can do some help could I call you from time to to time. I said sure. So the next thing I knew, I'd picked up a sponsee and he didn't call himself a sponcee and I sure didn't all myself a sponsor and he didn't come by very often but we got we got a little relationship started. It was Dick and there was another guy with the name of Gene and the two of them started calling from time to time I didn't know how what kind of difficulties they were having both they were both brand new at sobriety that's why they latched on to to me they didn't know any better but my my friendships in AA started right then and it came about as a result of simply doing what we do and I never I never want to sever my relationship with AA just because over and over and over they saved my life but the important thing I'm trying to get to right now is the fact that people in New England are so kind they they just they are so I wandered around and did what I did went to meetings I kept talking about the big book kept trying on trying to evangelize and get me playing arresting come and doing what we do and I didn't get any takers and I did that for a solid year and I was going to a big book meeting and once in a while i'd make a contribution in that meeting they had somebody who was the chairman of that reading out of the big book and so i just followed along did what we do um and after a year of going to that meeting uh a guy said to me jerry said you know i've been listening to you for the last years since you've been coming to this meeting and we're getting ready to start over in the big book and I've heard you say some things that I've never heard before would you be willing to lead this group for the next year would you take over as chairman see sometimes you can't just barge in to Rome and start acting like a Roman if you're not a Roman and I'm not a New Englander I love the people here but I but I don't talk like you all and these folks knew that but after a year eight people do what they do and they said hey would you would you chair this meeting for the next year so I took over and so we did that and then I hooked up with this guy Rich that said he wanted to come into my house on Sunday morning and then i did that for nine months and then it ended up that Rich said hey I got I've got some other folks who would like to do this and we put together a new little group of eight nine guys and away we went and we I and I was still in my evangelistic stage so I told the guys and this whole nine group I said listen we're supposed to carry this message which means you guys do outgoing commitments here don't you see that's something new we don't do that back there in kansas we should but we don't but as a result of that i found this little group of band of merry men we're off going everywhere we can go that'll listen to us and we're doing these outgoing commitments one thing another and the next thing i know uh we have the second guy group of guys wanting to go through the big book except the original guys stayed and some more folks came and they met in the living room of our house and we kept doing that and we keep doing that i don't know how long we did it three four years five years we got hooked up with bob down in new york he and six or seven guys came we met some of the most wonderful people you ever hope to meet in your alive we hooked up one time we did a weekend retreat at our house and don call me and he said listen i've got a friend by the name of mary jane that lives out there not too far from you i don't think she's too far uh and i and i'm coming out to do a weekend deal uh would you give mary jane a call and see she's got five or six people i think she'd like to bring up would you give her a call well when your sponsors ask you to do something what do you say yes so i said okay i can do that well i talked to my guys and i said hey listen i know this was your weekend it really was you put up you've put up the money to bring old don out here but don called me and asked me if i'd get a hold of this lady by name of mary jane and get her and her group to come up and i said would you guys be willing to do that and the answer was absolutely no we put up up the money. This is our time with this guy Don, whoever in the hell that is. And no, we don't want anybody else here." I said, well, I tell you what, I thought they, because we were at least halfway through the book when someplace around five, six, seven, someplace along in there by the time this was happening and I said well why don't we do this? Why don't you go home and pray on this for a week and next week when we get back together we'll talk about this some more and see what you want to do. See, there's a principle involved here. I've got this meeting, it's in my house but it is not my group. It's my group in the sense that that's my own group but I don't get to run it. we got to do things my by a group conscience so they go home and they come back the next week and we have our little meeting and we get all through and I and I said okay let's go into the business session we did and I said okay if you guys done little praying on this while we want to invite the folks from South County because that's where Mary Jane and her group were in Rhode Island South County you know you guys here know about where you and South County, you know what I'm talking about. So I said, what do you wanna do? And they very reluctantly said, well we'll invite her and her crew, so we did. And so the connection with Rhode Island started and it wasn't long till Don was coming down to Bob's neck of the woods and so we didn't ask to be invited down to Bob's, we just went. And I'll make this story short, we got hooked up with New York and that's how this whole thing began and the best six years of my AA life had started. I didn't know what it was gonna be but my AA has never been the same since then same sense in. And it all started just because I called an old friend of mine who I knew was having trouble from a son who had died from untreated alcoholism. So bad can be used for good. Anyway, I make this amend to Cesar. I come back to work for the FDIC out in Franklin, Massachusetts and I'm working along. I'm enjoying because I love the whole land. He was a great guy and he was a good friend he was way up I mean like I say he was number two in that office but he took pity on me I go over and talked to Lynn every once in a while he was very good at the business that we were in and I could talk to him and he gave me some good suggestions gave me good career advice I just had a good friend and so one day I walked over to his office to see how he was doing I walked down knocked on his door I said what are you up to Lynn he says come on And so I went in and he said, Jerry, he said I've got some great news. I said well what's that Len? He said well, I talked to Cesar this morning and he's taking an assignment out here. I'm thinking holy fucking Christ. I made this amends back in Kansas City now I'm going to have to see this guy out here and of course he was kind of up there like Len so he was I think number when he took that job he was about number four in the office in the hierarchy and I, Jesus God So, next thing I know, Cesar's out there and he's working and he has gotten married. He was single when I knew him by chance, but anyway, he's come out and he is married to a very attractive lady. She's somewhat younger than he is and she is, man, she is a Ferrari and Cesar is kind of like me. broken-down Chevrolet and so I'm watching that relationship I think how the hell is this gonna work but it's none of my business so anyway it's and it becomes important in the story here in just a little bit but not yet anyway I really am I'm thinking you know if Sazer does what most people do this this is going to be office gossip that Jerry is the corporate thief so I keep waiting for that shoe to drop. I really did. And another guy that was up there at about the same level that Cesar was, anybody ever work in a big office where you've got a smoking area and it's outside and you have to go outside if you want to smoke? And there's okay guy I got a good friend back anyway and what happens is you end up making a smoking club don't you? And it's just the same people over and over and you go out there spring summer winter fall sleet snow whatever but you got to have your smoke so i got this guy that's up there about where uh cesar is and i'm out there one morning this guy comes over and says hey jer um i said yeah his name was jerry also i said yo what's up and he said i was talking to cesar this morning and i thought oh god here it comes and he said you know what he told me and I thought okay let on I got it coming and I'm waiting for this sordid story to come out of this guy I really am and he says you know it says our toe man I said what he said he told me that if everybody would in the FAIC was as honest as you are we would have one hell of a corporation that's still hard for me to tell to go from the corporate thief to an example of honesty how does that happen I really don't know but it reminds me once again that the people outside of AA I mean all the people in a are pretty fine people as far as I'm concerned but there are a lot of good people outside and once we start down a path of doing what we should be doing all sorts of great surprises are in store and and I know that there's some of you in this room that noise you can tell a story like that far better than I can. Anyway, a couple more years go by and I'm watching this Cesar and his wife and I and I am watching her and you know young attractive girls have a...I always say a real attractive woman in America does not even need to return phone calls and she was that way. I mean she didn't have return a call they'll keep calling her and uh anyway the next thing i know i'm hearing rumors that cesar and this young woman are having some difficulty and i go off and do an assignment with the fdic and i have to fly out of massachusetts and do my flight and i'm coming home i get to the airport after this long flight and I look up there's cesar near in the airport and he said Jerry what are you doing and I said well I just got back in from Florida uh and he says well I I just come back from wherever and he said I'm trying to catch a car back that back out to Franklin uh if I can get one do you want to ride with me and I say well sure that'd be great so the next thing I know I'm riding in a big limo with Cesar and because you guys like to do that you have you have taxis that are kind of big long limousines and so I'm riding in this swank car those things are and so we're riding along he says uh jare uh i'm having some trouble and i said well tell me about it he said well he called her by name and he said she wants to she wants a divorce and i tell you what that was a broken man that night on that ride from the airport back out to franklin and that night all he needed was just somebody he could talk to you just just a person to talk to you about this so he kind of did that and i just i did what what i needed to do which is listen i mean i don't know what to say about a broken relationship i still don't uh anyway i listened those sayings are and our relationship just got a little bit better on that ride back out there all this started because i take some stuff back but i've stolen. And that relationship with Sazer just got better and better and better. I end up in, with my employment in the FDIC in about 1998 and I go back to work out in Kansas and I'm in a bank and we've got some stuff that we need, some loans that we wanted to sell and I got a call and this fellow said Jerry can I come by and talk to you about buying some loans? I said sure. He He says, well, I got a little company I've started up and I'll get my partner and we'll come by and see and we're going to talk about buying some loans. I said, that'd be fine. He comes in the office bringing his partner and his partner is Cesar. This thing never ends. All starts because I'm a little company thief and I'm taking some stuff. All I'm trying to do is clean up one deal and I know there are stories all around this building this room I mean that are far and away better than the one I just told you but it happens to be true and that's just the way it worked out so when we talk about cleaning up our act and remember that I love the little expression that Don gave me when he said, you know, I'm here to balance the books if I can. Tell me what I need to do to make this right for you and we'll see if we can't balance the book. See, I am so self-centered, so absolutely self-centered, I think my ego says, I know what I did to you, but I don't know how it affected you. I think I do. A little side story. A woman wanted to talk to me one night, and she asked a question, and I thought she wanted a lot of help. And I tried to give a response that would help her, and she said, I don't want your advice. I just wanted to tell you about this. So guys, just remember, sometimes when a lady comes to you and she says, can I talk to you? And she lays a problem out, she doesn't want you to fix it. She just wanted you to listen. See, we don't know how to do that. Men process everything out here. Women are, I mean, men process things in their head. Women process it by getting out there in front of them so they can see it. That's, I throw that out, I don't charge for this advice. I should, but I don'T because I'm a magnanimous guy. the amends process is just I'm trying to clean up my life because I want to be able to do what and the book says it so well I wantto be able look the world in the eye you know I can't tell you how many times in my lifetime I've been walking down a street and I see somebody coming and I have to cross the street because I can afford to meet that person I can't tell you how many times I've been driving my old truck out in the country back in Kansas and meet somebody out there, and they wave, and I got to look down like I didn't see them. I spent a lifetime that way. And now I get to do something called looking the world in the eye, and there's no freedom in the world like that. And those of you who have had this experience know exactly what I'm talking about. We can look the world into the eye. I look at the way our big book was constructed, and I think I don't think I can improve on this thing. I thought I did. I thought had some pretty nifty ideas along the way. Thank God I had the good sense to either talk to my sponsor about it or just leave it alone. This thing's working pretty good just the way it is. So, that's what my ninth step looked like. And I did not know when I came into AA back in 1977 that this was going to be a part of the journey. I didn't know that. I was just trying to not drink. I just wanted to get by another day, wanted to get by another week one thing and another came along and here i am and i and my life is starting to get clean i'm feeling clean i can look the world in the eye and i tell you what some new things began happening to me it was a freedom that i and i some of these words you know i just can't find a better word but the freedom that comes from getting your life cleaned up you wake up in the morning and you feel clean spiritually speaking i don't think any alcoholic you know i told you the story about the drunk that backed his car into a garage and ran the engine until he died of carbon monoxide i tell you about the young woman who stepped in front of a train i believe with all my heart that that's where this disease would take me If I got away from doing what we do. My spirit has to be clean. Anybody ever here, and I'm sure there are, anybody here ever read Jonathan Livingston Siegel? It's a great example of what's in store for us. It's great. It's your great little book. I encourage we have been given the case of the kingdom and they come in the form of old timers who say Jerry have you read and they give us these suggestions and God as long as down is alive he constantly fed me this stuff now I've got a lady by the name of Mary Jane who's doing the same thing I've gotta go with the name Gary B out in Indianapolis and we just make these connections as we go along this journey and I am never without an old timer who will jump in and bail me out when I'm in trouble and I will tell you this with no reservation AA has never left me high and dry never but my spirit's clean I have a sense of being free I can look the world in the eye now what do I need to do? well that says we continued to take inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it I go to the refrigerator last night and I've got some cream and I want it to be cold so it doesn't feel cold to me inside that little refrigerator in our motel room so I crank it down or I guess it's whatever. I cranked it to max cold, that was what it said, max and I put it on max and of course I freeze my wife's cheese. That's not good folks. So this morning she can't eat cheese and all I could say was darling I was wrong I should have talked to you about that before I did that and I, what else can you do? I mean, I can't go find her cheese. About the only thing I can do is say I'm wrong. And I was. And I'll tell you right here, and that's what I'm telling you right now, I was wrong. It would have been simple to say, sweetie, I don't think this is very cold. What do you think we ought to do? She probably would have said, well, just turn it up a little. Don't put it on max. but I'm an alcoholic if a little higher is a little good max will do a lot of good and you know we joke about that but we are that way man we want to take things to the max don't we are people of extreme and extreme has never worked well for me I just think it will we talk about a broken picker and we do have broken picklers, I also think we have broken thinkers. I don't know where I came up with these crazy ideas. Put it on max Jerry. Continued to take inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. And in that tenth step if somebody wants to open a book and look for this feel free to do so maybe I could but here's the bottom line when we're wrong promptly admitted it and then turn our thoughts to being of service to others isn't that about what it says Bob turn our thoughts I believe so strongly in the tenth step I really truly do but it has never been as powerful for me as it is when I get that last little piece and and turn my thoughts to being of service to someone else and act on them. So I try to find some place. Listen, that being of surface to others doesn't have to be a big deal. I always think that everything has to be a big thing. It's not a big big deal, but it doesn't. And I'm going to give you a precise example. One time I knew I needed to do this. I got something cleaned up. Did my 10-step inventory. Did the whole thing and I thought How can I be of service right now? I was not in a real, physically I wasn't in a good place to be of service to anyone. I wasnít close to an AA group there and so I'm walking across the parking lot to my truck and as Iím walking over there, thereís some trash in the parking lot. I thought, ìBe of service.î And you know, I donít know about you all but I have learned that but because I have this defects of character about, I want everybody to see how good I am. You say, I got a friend here who's relating to this. Anyway, and I thank you for that. Anyway, as I'm walking around, I see there's trash. I thought, I know how I can be of service. I can pick that trash up and not tell a soul. That's what I did. That was a very, for me now, that was a very effective 10-step. Just be of service and I've learned that for me I need to be as anonymous with that service work as possible. I have spent a significant, significant part of my AA life carrying this message into prisons And one of the reasons that I believe I was led to do that—this isn't Jerry, I think, coming up with this grandiose idea. This is a—I tell you what, I had done some work for the FDIC and my friend Lynn called me and said, called me said hey jerry we we've got a screw up here uh we've sold a piece of property to a guy in massachusetts down in where's the plymouth rock in plymouth what's there's no another little town got stressed with the d but i can't remember dutch bridge yes and and lynn says go down there to next bridge this is the this is the guy's phone number we sold him a piece of property and it's we've got some defects that we didn't tell the guy i want you to go down meet him and here's his name go down and meet him and uh see if he can help me so i did i went down i met this guy a little portly guy and i i met him in and his name was bill scanlon so i said bill what seems to be the problem here he said we got leaks in the back roof blah blah blah and so i go back then we finally decided well this is what we need to do to fix this and i said i said bill i'll tell you what we will we will get it fixed and i say when you know what i do i work for the fdse what do you do he said i'm a little catholic priest listen i knew i was in the presence of something pretty damn special don't ask me why i knew that i just i had that sense because one of the things when you wake up and that's what happens to us here we we we are awakened and i knew i was in the presence of something pretty special when i was talking to this little guy bill scanlon from that point on i only knew him one way and that was father bill father bill a little side story on father bill uh one time i he just called me says jerry would you come down can we just hang out for a little while, and you would just visit. And I said, sure. So I went down to see Father Bill, and I don't know what you guys know about Catholic priests, but I will tell you something. They are not notorious for being the world's best drivers. They deliver a great spiritual message, but as far as driving instruction, they're pretty poor. And so we got in his car, and they're not paid a whole lot of money. And Father Bill had this old, old, old Buick that looked like a, looked kind of like an ocean liner. It was just, I mean, it was huge. It just went down, you know, just lumbered. Anyway, we're riding around and he's showing me Fall River and we're driving around and He pulls under one of those bridges that's, there's an overpass there and Father Bill can't seem to keep his car in the lane where he should be and it's just a Tulane and we and so anyway he's kind of over the line and it's summertime we've got our windows down this guy crosses in front of us and makes a left turn and he comes by and he can't hardly get past because the bridge is too close and that's a tight fit and he looks over and Bill's sitting there all just totally innocent oblivious to the fact that he made it almost impossible for the guy to to turn this way and the guy drives by and looks at Bill and he says fuck you and Bill says in reaction bless you now I don't know what you guys would have said I know exactly what I would have said and there would have been some hand gestures go along with that So see, about the time that I think maybe I've grown a bit spiritually, I realize I'm still in kindergarten. I just am. Bless you. Introduced a couple of other guys in that little first day acre for mine. and I introduced him to Father Bill, and there were some other friendships started up between those guys and Father Bill. And he ended up having a heck of an impact on us. But his day job was he was the chaplain for MCI Bridgewater back when it was open. And so I'd met him and he knew that I was in AA knew that I was in AA and he says Jerry would you consider bringing a meeting into Bridgewater what we do we don't have a good reason to say no so we got to say yes I said sure at Bridgewater was about uh not a hour drive from where I was living so I said shirt and so you know I don't like to ride around by myself so I rope a couple of other guys into this deal and we all go down the Bridgewater to do this meeting and Bridgewater, I don't know if anybody ever been inside Bridgewater. It was an ugly, ugly place. I mean it really was. We drove on this road going into Bridgewater and we came to a facility, obviously a correctional facility and it was sharp. It was pristine, there's nice buildings, everything was new, a lot of nice lawns And I thought, okay, this is it. And I looked the sign there and this is not MCI Bridgewater. And so I drive on a little bit further and I go down and I come around the corner and I look up and here's this ugly, ugly looking place that really does look like Wuthering Heights and I think surely this isn't it and sure enough, that's it. We start going into Bridgewater and I don't know that I have ever seen and don't get me wrong I know there are people who do things bad that can't be out in society but I also I also don't like to see the way we treat people I really don't and I think about if I had been locked up inside of a facility like that and I'm an alcoholic and my my illness is progressing and there's nobody to help me with any kind of solution. If somebody came in there and they said we're from Alcoholics Anonymous, and we'll start a little meeting if there's anybody interested, they would have had me signing up because I would have said absolutely. We went in there, and I think we started and we ended up, I think I did that about five years. Two guys that went in with me after we left Massachusetts they stayed there and they did it for another five years. I think they did to Bridgewater closed. Anyway, we'd go in there in the wintertime especially need to look out over that yard in a prison and I tell you what there's nothing any uglier than seeing what we do to the people that end up being in a correctional facility again I'm not going to argue whether that's right or wrong I just said just from a humane standpoint and I think about well I'm free I'm starting to preach bottom line is if you ever get a chance to do a work inside of a correction of facility it's a great way to do service work for this reason you're in there doing these meetings and And nobody in the outside world knows you're doing it. They just don't. And that was great for me because my ego had a chance to subside a little. I'm just doing service work, and it's no big deal. And it isn't a big deal, but it was good for me because it brings my ego. All along the way, I've been led into situations where my ego keeps being reduced. I go to meetings these days that I don't want to go to. But it's meeting night. And it's my home group. What are you going to do? If your home group is meeting, what do you do? Well, you sure as hell don't stay home. You know, one of the things you get a little bit older, you're going to discover this. There's times that you really just don't want to move. to move but it's meeting night the meeting starts the next time what do you do you get in the car and go to the meeting Gail I love her see I keep thinking I'm one of these days I'm gonna have to say sweetheart is it okay with you that I can go to this meeting on Monday night and on Thursday night she has sometimes she says wait a minute isn't this your meeting night she's she's just in her own way and saying hey good do what you Go do what you do. That's who you are. All along the way, AA has been showing me the value of subordinating my ego to some greater good. Look at the traditions of Acolytes Anonymous. our common welfare comes first our common world for that means the group's welfare comes ahead of mine well that's a foreign concept for a guy like me it really is I in fact I almost wanted to argue that when I first came day hey what do you mean our common well prayer comes first I think somebody's misinterpreting that first tradition but they're not and if you go down through all of our traditions you'll see a little thread and it's woven all the way down through those twelve traditions and they are simply this the individual subordinates his will to the group will everywhere through our it's all about surrender so anyway like I say I'm starting to preach and that's not what I came here this morning for So I'm delighted that after all of this weekend, that here we are on Monday morning, Memorial Day. I don't know how many people there are here, but this is a nice, nice group. If you're out there looking this way, I'm looking at all of you. And this is an fantastic experience. It really is. and I'm coming up to a point you know we're 10th step and now we're at 11 and you're going to ask me to do something that I just do not do through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him and I am going to tell you something all along this journey of mine I have just tried to do the next thing that ends up in front of me. I can't tell you that I really got on a kick to read all this spiritual literature and I know some of you have and I applaud you for that because I think you're a better person by far than I am. I have picked up spiritual literature or books that I need to read almost by accident. A sponsor used to invite me to his house from time to time And let me tell you another little quick side story. You know, I told you I did my inventory with him and I was positive that he was going to run me off and ask me never to come back. The years go by and I'm out here in Massachusetts. We end our time here. That office closed down and we moved back to Denver. and Gail and I have been traveling across the country. We're driving two cars trying to get stuff moved back there, the movers have most of the stuff but we got a lot of stuff in our cars and we get back out and we're tired, it's hot, it's summertime. Temperatures out in Kansas can get rather warm in the summertime and we just beat. We come into Denver and we start trying to find a place to live. I called Don said well we're in town and he said well what are you gonna do? Where are you going to live? And I said I don't know yet, We're trying to find an apartment someplace, and we hadn't found one. And I said, but you know, it's not going to be available for three weeks. He said, well, what are you going to do in the meantime? I said、Well, I guess we'll stay in a motel someplace. He said、That's going to b rather expensive. Why don't you just come here? I wasn't sure I heard him right. I says、Here? You mean your house? He said،Well, yeah, that's what here means. He was a fun guy because he could just cut right through everything. First of all, he had an IQ of close to 150, and I'm flinching along at about 110, and that's on a good day when I'm wide awake. Anyway, so we go in there, and years earlier Don had said, you have to be careful when you have drunks that want to end up coming to your home. I mean, we have a big heart. We invite people, come on, listen, you're out there on the street coming and you'll have a home here if you want one. And he said, we Have to Be Careful because alcoholics can come and just land and you can't shake them loose. You have to take dynamites and get them out of there. So he said I'm making it clear that any time somebody, an alcoholic, that comes to spend time with me, after three days they have to go. That's the maximum time limit. So we move in with Don and we're in the living room. We've got a pull-out bed there down in his living room and on the morning of the third day I look at Gail and I says sweetheart, we gotta pack up our stuff and she said why? I said well Don has a rule and the rule is three days is maximum that anybody out drunk can stay in his home. So I said we gotta back up. So she starts packing up, I'm packing up. And this is in the morning, Don's getting ready to go to work and he comes into the living room and says what are you doing? I said well Don, this is day three. We gotta get out of here. I remember that rule. He said well, that applies to drunks. That would apply to you but you've got Gail with you. Doesn't apply to her. So if she gets to stay, I get to stay. See, I've been riding this lady's coattails for a long time. So we stayed. Sought through prayer and meditation. I have been led and led and led over the years and I would love to tell you that some of my great thinking sometimes has taken me to this level or that level it's never been that way I am led to where I am it's not me driving I was driven for years I love Bill's story he talks about the drive for success you remember the drive for success don't you Bobby you remember drive for success don'cha I know Malcolm because Malcolm and I have talked about this drive for successful is on thank God I'm not driven anymore I'm led a great deal but I'm no driven and how do I know I'm lead because if I just do what's in front of me it somehow seems to unfold in a way that I had never planned on. If you were to have told me when I was in my first year of sobriety, NAA, that I was going to really embrace step 11, sought through prayer and meditation. See, I was raised, I told you, in a religious environment. We had a lot of group prayer when I Was a kid. Jesus, I hated group prayer. Because they would say things like, Jerry, would you lead us this morning? I don't want to lead anybody in prayer. I don' t even really believe in it myself. But you do what you have to do. We're good actors. But the years go by and I decide that's not for me. I'm not going to do this thing. So now I'm in AA and sought through prayer and meditation. I'm no a meditator so screw that. And I don''t know how it happened. I really don't. and I went into a meeting one night and I remember that my good friend Don one time had given me a prayer. He said, you know, if you ever want to do something with a group why don't you ask the Spirit to fill me with your loving spirit such that it will flow through me and into the lives of others. And I thought, you now that's not a bad prayer. first of all it's not mine that means it's probably a lot better anyway ask the spirit to flow through me into the lives of others okay what are we all about aren't we all about healing you know that's such a that's a term that I almost that almost doesn't mesh with who Jerry Elkins is you mean what do you mean a healer. I'm not any kind of a spiritual guru or a spiritual giant in the idea of being a healor just as foreign to the way my mind works. Now, if I'm trying to help another alcoholic, if you want to put a fine point on it and say that's healing, okay, but still foreign to my self-image but I'm gonna tell you something notwithstanding and I find thinking we are healers we are haters of the spirit if I'm not doing anything more on a Thursday night at 630 except going to my meeting and somebody walks through the door and I turn around say hi bud how you doing and I say what Why don't you come on in and sit down? Know what we do with everybody, come in and see it. It's what Cesar did, come and sit. When we tell somebody to come in and sit aren't we saying hey, this is the family kitchen table, come in a sit, we just talk here. We just visit with one another. Now we kind of have a little structure and a meeting. Our Monday night is big book, our Thursday night is traditions, 12 and 12. That's what we're all about. And people, as a result of that, you don't have to be a giant. You just occupy in a chair. You say, you want a cup of coffee? We go get a cup de coffee. Give this newcomer a cup o' coffee. We give him a handshake. We give them a pat on the back. I am a believer. I am big believer in one simple little thing in my little AA group, and that is I'm going to physically touch everybody that's in that meeting that night. Now, we don't have a lot of folks. A big meeting is 20, so that's not too hard to do. But I'm a firm believer in touching people and there's a simple reason for that. The act of physically touching somebody else gives them a message that we don' t even know we're giving and that message is simply this, you're not alone. somebody cannot receive a human touch from another human without just totally demolishing the idea that I'm all alone here hi buddy how you doing if it's a woman you're very judicious in what you do and that's ok I like to give women a kiss on the cheek I don't think there's anything wrong with that the other thing though I wouldn't have been able to do that maybe 30 years ago and get away with it but today I can You know, Jesus Christ, look at me. I'm old and nobody's going to get through on an idea from me. I gave a woman a kiss on the cheek. It means I admire you. That's all it means. And I'm glad you're here. See, in my AA career, I spent a lot of time where it was dominated by a bunch of men. and a woman comes in it's almost like she's a foreigner and that's not right so I think one of my jobs in AA is to make sure that any woman who walks into a group that I'm a part of needs to know that she's welcome more than just welcome, I'm not measuring her I'm no sizing her up for the next victim I am just walking her as another drunk and I've been watching you all this weekend and you guys and gals are doing the same thing. You're just carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's very warming for me to observe that. Anyway, like I say, I can start preaching awful easy but sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the spirit. Fill me with your loving spirit It says it will flow through me into the lives of others. That was the first time I ever really began trying to have some conscious effort to pray and meditate. Well, it goes from there. And the next thing I know, I'm in my little home group in this little old bitty town of Riley, Kansas, population 750. And I find myself sitting in a meeting, and I'm just kind of quietly saying, God, you know, if there's anything you want me to do here, let me know. and then I try to get my mind quiet and see if anything comes up and over the time the next thing I know I'm driving down the road and that thought crosses my mind you know God I'm getting ready to go do a bit of business here would you guide me and lead me in this so that I'm not selfish and self-centered I'd like to be doing a service for this person that I've gone to meet not even a business just go you know whatever and so that becomes my prayer and then time goes on and time goes on and the next thing I know I'm just praying about anywhere I am and that's okay and I don't even know there was never a conscious effort on my part to improve my conscious contact through step 11 it just happened it unfolded and I bet you there are people in this room that know exactly what I'm talking about I wish I could say I'm a real giant and I may put a lot of effort into this or into that and that's not true. I just keep trying to stay close to AA and these other things have just come along. The gifts that come to us as doing nothing more than just number one, doing what's in front of us And number two, we have responsibilities. I tell my home group, listen, when we have a business meeting, I'll be here. I'm 76 years old, and I'm going to tell you something you're going to probably laugh at me. I'm the group GSR. GSR is the lowest rung on the service structure. You know that? GSR at age 76. I'm having the time of my life. Of course, I think I know it all, so, you know, I need to lead these people. But it's not true. I've got some guys in my group that are just dynamite. I've a couple of guys that are big book nuts. One of them is a relatively new big book nut and he's still in his evangelistic stage and when I watch him all I see is me thirty years ago. Anyway, we do. We have a good time and I get to be an active, active member of my group. When they say we're going to have a business meeting, I go and do the business meeting. We've got a camp out weekend coming up here soon. It'll be hot, it'll be humid but there's going to be people with tents and sleeping bags now. I live about seven miles from where that meeting is, and I've told the folks, listen, I hope you give me some special dispensation and don't ask me to sleep in a tent on a sleeping bag on the ground. I have enough trouble getting up in the morning as it is, and I don't think I can do that. But I participate. That's the most important fact here, and people are very kind to me. My group is uncommonly kind to this old guy. And AA has been uncommonly kind as far back as I can remember. The one characteristic that sticks out in my mind in all of my time in AA is this simple little thing. I have never seen such manifested kindness as I witness in AA. I don't care how good or bad you might think your program is I've heard people say that well I've got a pretty good program well she's working a great program well he doesn't have much of a program listen if you're here you have a program and your program is I'm going to go to this meeting this morning that's what's in front of us isn't it we'll do what Dr. Bob said Let's not louse this up. Love and service. That's all, love and service I love my home group enough that when they're meeting I'm going to be there And if I can, I'm gonna try to be of service We have a husband and wife in that little group And they live about an hour and ten minutes away From where our group meets She's a nurse and he works in a nursing home and we have our meeting and I watch people bolt for the parking lot to get in their car and leave home and I look up and there's Rhonda and J.R. cleaning up the kitchen, sweeping the floor, wiping down the tables and doing everything we need to do. We're in a little facility that belongs to a church and they're making sure that when the church people come in this place is clean again and the last two out the door every meeting I swear to God, I've never seen it change. The last two people out of that room is Rhonda and J.R. I watched that for a while, and I thought, wait a minute, Elkins, you can't be critical of that because you're not there with them. So I started staying, and then I stayed there until they were through, and then we all go home together. No big deal. But I got to be real careful. I can never point my finger to something that's wrong in AA Anybody ever listen to old Tom Iverson? I made the mistake years ago. I had gone to a meeting, this was, Tom had come out to a Fellowship of the Spirit in Colorado and he was out there and we were on Don's back porch one night after a particular meeting and I said, God, I tell you what, I went to that meeting today and I did not hear one damn thing that i think i needed to hear not a bit of really good aid that i hear in that meeting and tom he looked out and tom had the most beautiful north carolina draw you've ever heard in your life he said well jerry how come you weren't saying it what what do you mean it's real simple jerry if you're not hearing anything it's tough but why aren't you saying it I don't think for those of us who say we love AA can sit on the sidelines. I know I can, I can't sit on sidelines and take shots at something that I think is wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous these days if I'm not doing anything about it. I really believe that with all my heart and I am, I am a Monday morning quarterback if there ever was one. I wanted to tell Tom Brady about how to inflate those footballs and I kept waiting for somebody to call me but nobody did so I think I'll stick with trying to make sure I'm at Monday night meeting and Thursday night meeting that's my that's my business and my business is AA's business. I want to tell you something that I believe with all my heart, I really truly do owe my life to Alcoholics Anonymous I just do. And I don't mean that in some symbolic way, I mean I owe my life to Alcoholics Anonymous. The meeting goes in Riley, Kansas on Mondays and Thursdays when cleanup time comes, when the camp out starts, when we have a quarterly potluck dinner, need to be there and be involved not just from the sidelines I need to be involved and that's what I do these days and I tell you what my life is richer now than it's ever been I as I told you when we started this weekend if I look at myself as kind of an old oak tree there are there are more leaves on the ground these days and there are still hanging from the tree. And yet I'm more content than I ever have been, and I truly do owe that to AA. I just do. And I wish I could say you know you all hear we all hear the old axiom the more you put into it the more get out. I suppose that's true I'm not going argue with that. But I will tell you this, AA has always given me an awful lot regardless whether I was giving AA a lot. I mean because there's been times that my AA life looked pretty shabby. It just circumstances were such that I was not giving a lot to AA. It couldn't and but AA was always there, and AA always gave way more back to me than I gave to AA. So I think AA is that way. I think it's just a giving fellowship, and I love that term, fellowship. It's not an organization. I mean, I know we're an organization, but we really are a fellowship. That means anywhere we are, we can symbolically at least sit around the kitchen table and talk with one another can't we and not in a judicious way never never am i i'm talking about me now never am I to judge another alcoholic it's none of my business to say boy he works a poor program or he works great program that's that's none my business my business is to touch that person when they come into the meeting or wherever I run into them and make sure that they know they're no longer alone because I don't know about the rest of you, but I can remember when I was out there all alone and I thought I don t know what folks do to stay sober, get sober and stay sober. I can't do that. I walked into meetings. I was in and out of AA for several years before this finally took really what it was before I was finally beaten enough that I would come here and in a state of mind, and that's what happens. You get to a state OF MIND where you just know that it's time for me to give up. I've lost the fight. I just have. I just lost the fighting. I mean, a lot of ways to say that, but that's the cleanest and clearest way. I lost the battle, and here I am. And then we can begin to hear. And the folks that have preceded us all the way back to 1935, all the up through now. I still look around for people who are gonna be my next guide. Right now I have about three guides and they're doing a fine job. And that kind of surrounds me at three points and I'm kinda content with that. And these people that I'm talking about are absolutely wonderful people, marvelous people in fact. and that's what's happened sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact and you know i i am a guy who can't sit here and say well i have a really good contact with my spirit or god if you want to really get formal um i don't have a red telephone sitting beside my bed it is nothing like that in fact quite often uh i look for some guidance and i i try to get quiet and I can't find any guidance and so I go off to my meeting and you know what happens? I get the guidance I'm looking for. Quite often my spiritual guides are right here. So when I hang around with you all, and I will I will hang around from time to time, you'll just see me on the friends of your group and I'm kind of sneaking in and and I've done a little spiritual thievery and I was seeing if I could get some guidance here. And I'm just joking about the thievery part, I did do that for a long time. Fortunately, I like to participate today more than I do like to steal your spirit. And as a result, I get to participate and there's an expression that I heard years ago and I love it today. I'm participating in my own recovery. It's not like going into the hospital and letting the doctor do surgery on you. I thank God I never participate in that kind of stuff but I I participate in my own recovery and when I was incapable of that the people in AA kind of just reached out and they gently pulled me in I didn't even know it was happening because if you ever if you were ever real abrupt with me I'm a I am so I am I I am like a little scared animal, you jump too fast at me and I'm out of here. And I'm always reminded that when I first got here if it hadn't been for gentle people I probably would have bolted and if I had bolted years ago I guarantee you I would have bolted not come back. But I watched all this unfold in front of me and what I'm reporting to you is a guy came in here without a clue what to do. I didn't know what to do and I didn' know what the dude did know what to do and somebody would give us suggestion when I met this guy Don that I told you about it was a result of a fellow by the name of Stan who was a good friend of mine there in Denver Colorado and we become buddies and we've gone to a meeting down at York Street Club anybody besides me ever been to the York Street club if you ever get in Denver, Colorado just ask around for the York Street Club. It's at 13th and York, and you will have the time of your life at this old three-story, it's like your three-storey here, except it's brick. Got porches all the way around two sides, and they look out on 13th Street, and then look out in York. Anyway, I'd gone to a meeting there, 530 meeting, got over at 630, and we get over at630. It was wintertime, and I'm sitting down and they've got a little snack shop in there and I'm sitting in the snack shop drinking a cup of coffee and Stan walks in and says hi Jer, how you doing? I said were you in the meeting? He says yeah. I said well I didn't see you. And he said I was there. He said I saw you and I figured you'd be down here so he came down there and said hey I got a surprise for you. I said what's the surprise Stan? You know I don't like surprises. So you'll like this one. See what had happened was I had moved from Wichita, Kansas out to Denver and my friends back in Wichital had this conference and there was a speaker there and they had purchased an extra speaker tape and they had given it to me as a gift on my last trip home before I made the final separation from Wicital to go out to Denver and they gave me this tape. This This is back in the time when we had the little cassette tapes, many of you remember those. And I looked on there and it says Don P., Aurora, Colorado. Now listen, I told you that I assign values and meaning to things that I don't have any idea what I'm doing and so they gave me this Don P. Aurora, colorado and I take the tape because I'm not going to hurt their feelings but what I am thinking is I don't know why you gave me that tape. I don' do tapes. Don't you love that? Arrogant son of a bitch, I don do tapes! Well, I'm in Denver, Colorado and I am absolutely miserable in sobriety. And so I go home and one day out of desperation I put that tape in and I play it and that was the first time that I heard that We at Alcoholics Anonymous are over 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And this guy went on to explain that. He said, I've got a mind that doesn't work right and a body that won't die. And when I heard those magic words for the very first time, I've Got a Mind That Doesn't Work Right and a Body That Won't Die, I thought, man alive, that is me. Because by this time, I'd been sober all this time or dry all that time, and I just knew, I just knew that that guy would know how I was feeling. Anyway so Stan he's at this York Street meeting and said Jerry I got a surprise for you. I said Stan I don't want any surprises. He said where are you getting ready to do right now? And I said I'm going home and he said no. He says I've got a surprise for him. Come with me. I says Stan I am not going to do anything right now. I'm coming home. He says no you really will. You'll like this surprise so he was so damned insistent I thought with Jesus Christ and get off my back I'll go along with you just to get you to quiet so I said okay let's go and so I walked out and I had forgotten that Stan is a health nut and I'm uh I'm a Winston Marlboro smoker that's my health club and so we start walking I said stand up we're gonna get in your car he says no miss not very far down here here we'll just walk. I think it was seven blocks down there by the time we walked seven blocks in that altitude, I am pissed. This is not a surprise I'm gonna like. We walk into that old church down, I can't pronounce it Galagagos? Galahagos whatever Spanish and we walk into this old church we go down in the basement that's our assigned space in any churches basement. And we walked down, we walked in this long hallway and the longer I'm walking the angrier I'm getting at old Stan and I think why didn't I just tell Stan no and I'm going home and we walk into this room and there are people sitting at a long table probably 20-22 people they're sitting at this long table there's this old guy up in the front little kind of short chubby guy a little you know obviously not hip slick and cool like me, and I hear him reading out of the book and I recognize the voice. And it's the same voice that was on that tape. That's a surprise, isn't it? Because see, I had told Stan, listen, I have heard this guy from Aurora, Colorado speak and he's got some stuff that I really like. He said so we're walking down this hallway and and I recognized the voice. So I started going to that meeting but I'm not gonna tell this guy that I don't know anything about the steps off the wall. I don' want him to know that I mean I just but I listen listen every word he says and I I'm getting a better feeling and a better feeling, and a feeling about something that I had just about given up on. At that time my disease, my untreated alcoholism was so severe that I was angry at everybody and everything. And I had started carrying a gun and I was going to use it on myself if it didn't get any worse. And And that's not high drama, it's just a statement of fact. Anyway, I listened to this whole guy for three weeks and finally one time I said to Stan, I said, you know, this is pretty good meeting but I don't know, do you think I could ever talk to this guy? And he says yeah. And I said well, I donno if I wanna go that far the same. And he said well what do you mean that far? And I say well Don, I'm in Denver. I mean Stan, I am in Denver And this guy is in Aurora, Colorado. See, I think I know something. Aurora, Colorado and Denver, Colorado are just too adjacent. I mean, they're just right next to one another. And I'm on the east side of Denver and Don is on the west side of Aurora. And so it's only about three miles from my apartment over to... And I am bitching about, well, he is way off in Aurora wherever that is. See, in my mind, I know things that I don't know. So finally, I screw up the courage and I walk up to him that night and I said, hey Don, I said my name is so-and-so and he was sizing me up. I know he was and I need a sponsor and would you do that for me? and he looked up at me and says, I don't think so. And I thought wait, I thought you're always supposed to say yes. He said I don t think so and I didn't know what to say. I have another friend by the name of Jack, and Jack was asking Don to be his sponsor at the same time. And I didn't know that, and I just did a weekend with Jack up in Wyoming here about two or three weeks ago. We had a great time, we talked about this. Anyway he was asking don to be a sponsor at same time, and Don was getting filled up with people. He couldn't take on anybody else. else but he looked at me and i and i i know i had to look awfully desperate uh and i was desperate and uh he said i tell you what jerry it looks like to me it looks like to meet you need an aa friend how about if i how about if i do that how about how about i be your aaa friend rather than your sponsor I thought, well I tell you what Slick, if you think you're my AA friend, I think you are my AA sponsor and we'll just go down the road that way. I'm a sneaky Pete, I can pull off anything. So that's what we did for 15 years. He thought he was my AA Friend, I thought he was my AAA Sponsor. And when I referred to him, that's why I called him, he thought he was just my friend so we went down that way and it worked out great. But I had him up here and I was down here someplace and I've had this happen to me now. I had them up here, and I'm down here, and we asked him out to Rhode Island and Massachusetts one time. He came out to do a retreat and when he walked in and he and I connected with one another instantly like you do and people that are close to you. And 20 or 30 minutes later, Gail pulled me off to one side and she said, you know, I've heard you tell that story about you think he's your sponsor and he thinks he's you're AA friend. I'm going to tell you something, sweetheart. He is your AA friend." I never thought a guy like that would be friends with a guy like me. I just didn't. He was what I thought was a spiritual giant. You know what spiritual giants are? They're just like us. They might have been around, they might have done this a little longer but that's about it. But they're just other alcoholics. So I got clear about that and the years went by and I had about 15 years and I have the grandest friend that I've ever had in my life. Well people come and people go, some stay longer than others but when somebody goes what are we going to do? We got to have others to replace them don't we? I have to have AA friends. I have real AA friends so I have my friends and those of you in this room you know that, you know who my AA friends are. It's just what we do. And there are people that can come into my house at any given time. They don't need any advance notice. I've had people do that. Jerry, we're going to be coming through Manhattan on our way to X. Listen if you're out in the central part of the United States, you can hardly go from east to west without going through Kansas and And we're about 9, maybe 9 to 12 miles off of Interstate 70. So if you're ever out that way, stop in. We've got extra bedrooms. Gail will probably make me clean up my act while you're there, and I can do that. anyway I don't want to get too far off nothing's off the subject nothing's too far off the topic we're talking about AA we're telling about the love that comes without collection it's automatic fill me with your healing spirit such that will flow through me and into the lives of others I just love that concept Don gave that to me that's not mine I don' t have the brain power to come up with something like that He always said he liked to think of things like that, prayers, that looked like on the outside that they were pretty much in thought of others. But he said, I've got a benefit. So he said this is the way it's going to work. I'm going to ask God to fill me with your healing spirit. Fill me so they will flow through me and into the lives of others, he said. I get benefit from that. Even though it's just flowing through me into their lives, he says. I like that. Now I get mine and you get yours too. He thought that was pretty clever, and it is. Anyway, we've been going for a little while this morning and I think we should take a break because we're going to wind things up here in just a little bit. You want to take 10 minutes? Can we do that out? Jeremy, we got 1118. Right. We're going shut this whole thing down at 12. So you tell me what you want to do. Listen. You can't hardly shut me down. Why don't we just keep... You want to do that? Just keep going. No, we need a five-minute break. We need a Five-Minute Break. Give yourselves five minutes. Okay, we'll do that. See? Group conscience. A couple of women. That's the group conscience. This is awesome. I love this.