Jack G. at the 53rd ICYPAA – 2011

For our main speaker, Jack G. from Huntington Beach, California. Hi, I'm Jack G., and I'm an alcoholic. thanks you guys um and thanks thanks katie and um i can't tell you how much i appreciate being asked to come here and um it's a little it's been hard for me a little bit just sitting here and watching and uh because i think this room is such a good example of what's going on now with this disease and uh we got the fog coming in off the bay and it's cold outside and there's people milling around, you know, and they got booze on them, and they're wandering down the alleys. And inside here, there's 4000 of the undead celebrating and and it sometimes it's hard for me because I have a hard time sitting in here with you. Because I think that I should be out there. And I work with a lot of guys that are new. And because of that, I'm surrounded by a lot death. And it's real hard. In these past couple of weeks, I've lost a bunch of people. And two weeks ago, I lost my nephew to this disease. And you know, 30 years old. And he'd been sober before. And followed that up with two more friends, one that committed suicide and another one that overdosed. And, you know, my first wife died of a drug overdose and just surrounded by this. And I think I got real lucky when I came in. I was surrounded by death. And I got a real quick look at what this disease was all about because it's really hard sometimes. I mean, we're sitting in here and we've got the new guys and we're happy and we'RE stoked and everyone'S dancing, you KNOW? And then I think sometimes it's real easy to forget exactly what we'RE dealing with. And to sit here and to look on the stage when the new people walk up and to see the tears in their eyes and just wondering if they really understand what they're claiming when they say they're an alcoholic. Thanks. I'm a book guy. I got it, yeah. Yeah, well. yeah you better wait a minute because that used to be my response also uh i'm a book guy and after i've been sober for a little while i started tearing that book apart and uh and i mean tearing it apart i started hunting guys down and digging up history and and i've seen history stuff no one's seen maybe 10 guys in the united states have seen some of these things i've seen and i'm hunting it down and i'M GOING WORD FOR WORD AND I'M TEARING THE BOOK APART and I'm looking up where did Bill take it from what Oxford group stuff, what was Bob thinking listening to tapes, going through it tearing the book apart line by line, word by word and then I started coming in here and I started judging you because you guys weren't doing it right and I'd hear somebody stand up and share and I would say bullshit that's wrong I even told a guy one time, nobody said to me He said, he said, I go, where'd you get that champ? Where'd you come up with that? And he goes, he goes I got it from my sponsor who got it From his sponsor. I go well Then your grand sponsor's a fucking idiot So It got Sorry about that Anyway, it got, I'll tell you It got rough, it Got really rough Right? And then it got to the point Where it was jack Party of one That was it because you guys were wrong right so all right at the same time that was going on i was seeing a jesuit brother and uh i i'm not a catholic but i i hunted this guy i hunted it's a lot i hunted down anthony de mello and de mellow's dead and his people turned me on to somebody in new york and they hooked me up with a jesus here so i started seeing a Jesuit and he was my spiritual advisor that's where he was brother charlie and uh so after tearing apart the big book i started tearing apart the new testament also right so so i'm running it down and i'm tearing the book apart and i come into brother charlie one day i say charlie charlie charlie and i am all excited man and uh i go what's the best translation of the new testament what's as close as it is what's he looked at me and he shook his head and He said, Jack, it is such a shame that you are that hung up on the words. I was shocked. I was looking for an assignment. And he looked at me and he said, he goes, son, you know what I want you to do? I want to put it down. I want You to stop. He goes, I want To put the book down. I don't want to hear a word of scripture coming out of your mouth. I don' t want to here a line AA coming out Of Your mouth. I don't want to hear anything coming out of your mouth. He goes, what I want you to do is I want you to go to the beach and I want you to take a walk. And when you start to take the walk, I want to ask God to come with you to walk with you. And I want You to be quiet and I Want You to listen. So I started walking and I started walking every day and I started listening and I started contemplating what was happening and what I was doing. And in that walk, what I realized I was doing was by tearing the big book apart line by line, I was trying to control the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I could pin you down to a word, then I controlled you. And then I had to look at the other book I was also tearing apart. And I realized that if I could pen my God down to align to a phrase, to a Word, then i was also trying to Control God. What happened after that was I put the book down and I stopped. I went home and I prayed and then picked it back up. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that I thought was so rigid, so strict and so rigid. All of a sudden, every line, every fence, every barrier in that book came apart. I started with the third step and I looked at the thirdstep and I love that third step. And I love memorizing it. And I love finding out what each line means and going through it. But after looking through that third step and running through every line, right after it, Bill says, the wording's optional. I'm hoping that maybe one of these people that came up and got a book on stage did their third step on stage. And when they walked up, they just said, I just can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it anymore anymore. I just Can't do it any more. Sometimes that's a third step that's much more sincere than any memorized line. I looked at the fourth step, all the columns all laid out, and before Bill even lays out the columns, he says we were usually as definite as this example. Usually does not mean always. It means usually. and if you look in the back of the big book you got Dr. Bob taking a guy through a fourth step and it's nothing like Bill's at all Dr.Bob listened to this guy tell his story and then he told the guy what was wrong with him which has now become my favorite fourth step so then looking through the book and going through the books you start seeing freedom, freedom, freedom all through the book. You see freedom, freedom to think as we will, freedom to do as we will without anyone holding us, without anyone covering over us and that we walk side by side and that none of us are above anyone else in this room. And I think one of the most beautiful parts of that whole book is Bill took the book and he summed it up in four lines at the end after everything he wrote and after everything he went through he said you know what abandon yourself to god as you understand god and make your faults clear away the wreckage of your past give freely of what you have and join us that's simple and uh however there's always a however on this crap you know when i'm saying bill was is a scam artist. And if you don't think Alcoholics Anonymous is a scam, while tearing the book apart, I found the scam. Anyway, and if you don't mind, I'll just read it to you. You guys ever seen those crappy car commercials on TV? You know what I mean when they're selling stuff and they give you the pitch, right? Because Bill being a pitch man, right here's the pitch life will take on new meaning to watch people recover to see them help others to watch loneliness vanish to see a fellowship grow up about you to have a host of friends this is an experience you must not miss we know you will not want to miss it frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives yeah yeah that's great but as the commercial rolls through all of a sudden the small print comes on it may mean the loss of many nights sleep greater interference with your pleasures interruptions to your business it may means sharing your money in your home counseling frantic wives and relatives innumerable trips to police courts sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent. See, you got to be real careful of what you're reading in here, man. Anyway, all right. So let's just get down to it. I lived at my mother's And I always lived at my mother's. And if it was up to my mother, I would still be living at my Mother's right now. I mean, and every good criminal's got a mom. You know what I'm saying? I love seeing these tough guys that just get out of prison, right? It's like, hey, where are you staying at, gangster? Oh, I'm over with my mom on Lyme. It's mom, auntie, or grandma. Anyway, so I'm at my mom's, right? And let me tell you something. The Al-Anon people never got one hand on my mom. Not one. The blood of the lamb was spray painted on our front door and the Al-Ans just drifted right on by. They never got up in there. I mean, I had the kind of mom where I would go to jail and when I'd get out, my mother would say, they're always picking on you, sweetheart. I'd be in the neighbor's yard laying down, face down with my pants off any time day or night. The neighbors would come over and complain, and my mom would go, leave him alone, he's an artist. Just out there. And full insanity was going on at that house. But so what? I didn't know better. I didn't know any better, you know? And I love that you brought up the young people's items. There's frightening... Look, if you're brand new in here and you're just getting a court card signed because conventions are great places to get court card signs because you can basically get 30, 40 signatures a day and it's all legit, man. So... But I always warn the guys if they're brand-new and they just want to get their court card sign and get out of here Don't look at the pamphlets, man. Don't get up in the literature because I'll tell you why. There is some frightening literature out there. And the most frightening is the literature to the young people. I don't know if you ever read any of it, but I don' t know. Maybe Membership Drive was down in AA and they wanted to like do something. So they made some pamphets that you cannot answer no to any question on, right? It's like, hey, let's get a bunch of these and get them in high school. get the membership up in here. So, uh, because one of the questions is, do you ever black out? And you know what I mean? It seemed like they should have thrown a little something extra on it next time. Like, Hey, do You ever blackout and wake up in women's clothes, sleeping with another dude, Something. And to a lot of my friends, that is not a problem anyway. So and then the other one, the other One I love on there. This is my favorite. Are you lying about your drinking? You got to be kidding me, man. I'll tell you right now. if you're not lying about your drinking, we can't help you. That's a whole other case. I don't even know what that is, man. I mean, look, I had a dad. My father was 30 years in the service. World War II, Korea and Vietnam. Out of all the fights I've ever been in, my old man is the only one that's ever kicked my ass. And do you think I was telling him the truth about my drinking? I'd come home, my dad would be standing there like this. He'd go, you've been drinking? Oh, you bet I have. I'm hammered! And while you were sleeping, I took two 20s out of your wallet. And I've also been upstairs getting into mom's pills and sleeping with that little girl next door. Are you kidding? It's like, come on, be real, man. I'm an alcoholic. I'm not an idiot, right? You know? I would come home hammered. My old man standing there, he'd go, you been drinking? I'd go no, sir. I just got back from church. And then he'd look at me for a minute and he'd say, why are you wet from the waist down? baptized I always lied about my drinking and then the other ones this is even more favorite are you hanging with lower companions I'm hanging with you guys god i got jonathan texting me dirty text messages while we're sitting here you're actually looking at a drunk that likes drunks uh sometimes it's sad that it's almost a little rare around here uh sometimes you get sober and you see these drunks that now don't like drunks have you ever seen those it's like the the golden ovary syndrome an aa or something I mean, it's like all of a sudden they get sober. Now they're a better class of drunk somehow. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, he cusses and smells bad. You know, it is like, I love them, man. I love drunks. I love the whole deal. I love their defiance. I love that anger. I love to defiance, I loved the separation from God. I love it that they come in here, destroy their lives and go, is that all you got? Come on! love back, you know? And how can you not love what you are? How can you not love where you came from, you know? But I will tell you, there was one thing that they screwed up in AA. They made a mistake and the mistake was that they put the traditions and the steps out in the open. That's wrong. They should never do that. They should have actually made up a briefcase guy commitment, right? So you take all the steps and everything and you fold them up and you put them in a brief case. You get a guy with a suit and dark glasses and he stands in the corner at the meeting like this. And then the new guy comes in, he goes, who's that guy? You go, you don't worry about that guy. You just sit down. I know, I know. I know but I just wonder what that don't worry about that guy. You just Sit Down feel free to share whatever you want and just have a good time. Just come on. I Know but what about that? Don't even worry about that guy and as a matter of fact when the meeting starts he's going to take that briefcase and lock it up in his trunk of his car. Let me tell you something 15 minutes into that meeting there'd be 20 new guys with a crowbar trying to get that briefcase out of the back. You know what I'm saying? Standing there going, I got a four-step! I got four-steps! Look, we got books! You know, anyway, so... So they should have just hid this stuff a little bit. All right, anyway. So I'm living at my mother's house and here's how I get here. A friend of mine gets busted on a cocaine trafficking charge and he goes to court and this weird phenomenon happens in court. I believe that more alcoholics are created in court than anywhere else in the world. It's not the first drink, it's not The Local Bar, it is court. Court! Because hundreds of thousands of us go into court every day non-alcoholic. And we get in front of the judge. The judge looks at us and says, Mr. Smith, you're looking at a year sentence. But if you're an alcoholic, you could do a 90-day treatment program. I'm an alcoholic sir. all of a sudden everybody is right everybody is now not so look if you're brand new and Alcoholics Anonymous don't try to get us to like you it's not going to make a difference it doesn't matter don't trying to say things that will impress us because it does not matter no matter what you say in AA someone will disagree with you can walk up here and say the ocean's wet and somebody will go not not right on the edge it is not no no sure it's not because i made that joke about court creating more alcoholics and it's a joke it's true joke that's why it's funny but it's just a joke right i i said that at this convention one time and this guy walks up to me is tatted from the neck down right he walks up he goes can i talk to you man i go yeah what's up bro he goes i did the year dog well then you're a stupid alcoholic so anyway so that's what happens with this buddy of mine right he goes to court now he's got a problem He did not have a problem two weeks before that. I was getting loaded with him, man. There was no problem mentioned. You know what I mean? It wasn't like, hey, I got a problem. I'm going to sit out on that last line of blow. Why don't you get that one? It never happened, right? It was like, are you cutting that even, dude? There was No Problem. But now he goes to court. So now indeed, yes, indeed, he does have a problema. So he goes to treatment, and you H&I guys get up there, and you start healing on him. You get them all pumped full of the spirit and all that business, right? And they cut him loose, and he comes back to Long Beach as a reformer. Now, the big book says we're not supposed to start out as reformers, but this guy did. And where's his first stop? My mother's house. stop number one and i get this i go hey what's up bro he goes you got a problem man i go what he goes you're an alcoholic i go no i'm not i live with my mom so let me tell you what was going on at mommy's house at the time i had warrants out for my arrest so what i always have warrants not for my rest that's how you pay tickets i also had people trying to kill me both real and imagined i'm one of those guys that can't stand being alone i'm a late night phone call guy i've had overlapping girlfriends since third grade i got a girl pregnant i said move into my mom's house with me let's have a baby move in. 26 years old, mental capabilities of a 12-year-old, and I'm going to be a dad. So I move her in. At the same time I move她 in, I fall in love with a girl of questionable age and I take her to Mexico and marry her. That's what's going on at mommy's house. Anyway, so and this guy's telling me I got a problem, right? And he goes, you're an alcoholic. I go, no man, no. He goes, we're arguing back and forth so I kind of get him away from the house a little bit, you know what I mean? I get him way from the front. I don't need my mom listening to that. So anyway, I get him out in the front and he says, come to a meeting. I go, a meeting? A meeting of what? He goes, 12-step meeting. Come on down. I'm like, no, dude, you're the one that got popped. Not me. You go. And we're arguing back and forth, back and forward, back forward. Finally, I said, okay, okay. Okay, I'll go. Dude, I'm going to go. I'll do it. I'll say, I know why I said I'll-go now. I said it because I'm an alcoholic and I'll say anything to get you off my back including I'm Jack and I'm a I'm an alcoholic so I got a couple of problems with Alcoholics Anonymous and it's not with AA I got a problem with us a lot of times we are so quick to get the new man and the new woman to say that they're an alcoholic that we got people claiming this illness and they have no idea what they have. None. And have you ever been to a meeting where they go around the room and introduce themselves and somebody's there on a court card? I'm Bud alcoholic, I'm June alcoholic, I'm Frank alcoholic,I'm John, I' m here on a courthard. The whole room goes crazy. Johnny! Like a bunch of monkeys let out of a cage. And then, when the meeting starts, the whole meeting is dedicated to John and his denial. I remember when I, too, came in on a court card, John. I mean, it's unbelievable. I mean the poor guy gets popped coming out of the clubhouse one day. You know what I mean? He's not an alcoholic. He's just there. And I'll tell you what, you know what? The next time he goes to that meeting and it goes around the room, I'm Bud alcoholic, I'm June alcoholic, I'm Frank alcoholic, I'm John and I am also an alcoholic. Now does he think he's any more of an alcoholic than he was before? No. No. He just wants you to leave him alone. Leave me alone, get off my back, let me get my court card signed and get the hell out of here. If you look at the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the philosophy in that book, they talk about alcoholism being a fatal illness, a fatal disease. Fatal means it's going to kill you. Stop worrying about the mole on your back. It's the booze. And not only is it a fatal illness, if you're reading in this stuff, it's a fatal wellness that only a spiritual experience can arrest. I mean, seriously, do you really realize how frightening that is? I mean, could you imagine going to a doctor and you go in there and you give all your tests and you do whatever. Right. And you come back three days later and you say, Hey, how'd it go, man? He goes, Nope. Wait a minute. No. Yeah. Nope. Fatal. What? Yeah. Fatale. And, uh, I don't really believe in God, but I favor prayer in your case. Do you know how frightening that is? Do you Know there's a story in here that says that and it's in the front of the book I'm not talking some hidden story in the back It's in The front the doctor says I don' t even like treating people like you and though not a religious man i favor prayer in your case i mean you know how frightening that is basically if you're brand new claiming alcoholism what you're saying is i got a gun against my head the trigger's cocked there's a bullet in the chamber the gun's going off and only god can stop it and i don't got one that's what you're claiming i hear people around here sometimes and they say i need a nazi sponsor i need an nazi sponsored first of all please do not attach that foul word to our program but besides that to the guys that say they need that kind of sponsor i recommend you work a first step Because when you really realize that you have a fatal illness that probably only a spiritual experience can cure and that the steps just might be a pathway towards that awakening, when you truly believe that, I will guarantee you you will never ever need another man or woman to tell you to get off your ass and go to a meeting again. you hear a lot of talking here about contraaction contraaction something else it's not in the book but contraaction is another word for willpower willpower and in the doctor's opinion they talk about a shift of thinking a shift in perception yes we start out doing contracts we start out doing things differently than we ever did before. But sometime in your sobriety, contrary action must stop. Contrary action must become primary action. When are you going to stop calling your sponsor because you have to and start calling because you want to? When are You going to stop going to meetings because you have to and go because you want to. When are you going to stop working with other people so you can stay sober? When are your going to start working with other people because you like seeing them stay sober. So anyway, so I tell this guy I'm going to go to a meeting and I turned around from him and we're back out in front of my mom's house. You got to swing ADD with me, man. So we're back out front of my Mom's house and I start to walk back into my mom house and have a moment of clarity or a little spiritual awakening and I thought, how often have I been loaded lately? I thought every day. Shit, every day, man. I've been drinking every day! I've be drinking, smoking weed, taking pills, whiffin' a little cocaine, whippin' Pam. Every day! Yes. Did you honestly think that twitch I have is natural? All right, so I've been doing it every day. And I woke up just a little bit. Thank God it was only just a Little Bit. Could you imagine for the people who have been sober a long time if you woke up completely your first day in AA? Do you know how frightening that would be? It'd be like, yeah, we got cookie coffee and rope for the new man. You can hang yourself now or go one more day, whatever you want to do here, champ. It's like, because when you wake up to this, it is frightening and it is sickening. And I don't care how long you've been loaded. I don'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING. IT DOESN'T MATTER. If you have the root of our illness, which is selfishness and self-centeredness, then chances are you have made decisions based on self your whole life that are now coming back to haunt you. and when you wake up to that it's sickening and you know what i see guys in here and they're still not awake sober years still not awake i hear people come to meetings say i paid for my seat here well yeah you paid for it let's call your wife and ask her how much she paid for it let'S CALL YOUR KIDS LET'S C ALL YOUR PARENTS LET'S call anybody that ever loved you and cared for you and ask them how much they paid for your seat in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's a great letter from Bill Wilson, and Bill says we're real quick to talk about what ass kickers we are, but we're sure not as quick to tell the damage we have done to those that love us. My family paid dearly for my seat. My father paid for my seat with his life. I was blamed in a court case for killing my dad, and it was a stress-related issue, man, and It was a real drag. It was a real drug to be pointed out in court and it was a stress case. My dad had a heart attack at work and there was a suit about it and it supposedly was work-related stress and his job said it wasn't work- related stress at all, it was him right there. That's the stress that killed him. Anyway, I woke up just enough to see what I had done, just enough to see the drinking. And I hadn't seen the damage yet, but I saw the drinking and I went to a meeting. And the first meeting I went through was the wrap center in downtown Long Beach. It was a kind of meeting where you push your shopping cart up out front and go inside. You know what I mean? It was one of those meetings. And, uh, and I'll tell you how I wandered in there. I had long hair to my elbows. It hadn't been combed in a while. Uh, the first time they cut my hair, they found a jolly rancher sticking in the back of it. I guess I passed out and the little sucker just slid right around into the back, you know? But I didn't know it was in there yet. Anyway, so I also had like a work shirt on, like a diggy shirt with a lot of cigarette burn holes right here in the tit from standing there like, it's just resting my smoke on there. Right? And then somebody would come up and go, dude, dude, dude. You're on fire, man. No, no, no. You are on fire. So this is how I wander into my first meeting, right? And my mother gives me some money for the meeting. Uh, she found out I was going right. And she goes, Oh, sweetheart, that's wonderful. You go into that a and a you bet I am mom. She goes, let me give you a couple of dollars for coffee. I go, Nope. I got, I need 40. They got dues down there. Oh yeah. Yeah. And none of you have done that. I'm sure. Uh Hey look, come on, man. She's getting old. She needs to feel useful. Anyway. So take it easy. Call her every day and tell her I love her anyway. So, uh, so my mother, so I walk in the meeting, I'm looking like that. And I walk into that meeting. I remember I walk In that first meeting, mommy gives me some money. I walked in there warrants, all that crap. I walk in that first meeting, loser. Yep, scumbag. Yeah, I know that dude from school. And I'm not like you. And let me tell you why I'm not like you. Because I'm a smooth drunk. I start drinking and the first place it hits me is right here on the cheeks. They just get tingly, tingly right here. And I start smiling. I put a couple of drinks in me and I started smiling even bigger. Then a couple more drinks in the end, I decide I want to wrestle you. A couple more drinks in my head down the street and it's night. I see a light on. So I come up and knock on the door all right who are you what are you doing in there i saw the light on i can't even tell you how many times i got arrested and the cop looked at me and said and how are you involved in this man anyway just passing by I felt it my duty to stop, officer. Anyway, so, and the sad thing is, do you want to know what I heard in that meeting? Do you want know what i heard? I heard pride. Pride. Now, I don't know if I could have heard anything else, but I heard pride. Do you know that Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place besides prison where people try to be the worst? You wear that? You get guys in here wearing the word homeless like a badge. I was homeless! You get guys in hier wearing the world convict like a badge. I've been arrested 187 times, dog. Go for 188. Let me tell you real quick how damaging that is and how much it hurts us. For the guys that have been arrested all those times, we need you in here. We need you real bad. But not the way you think we need you. We need you in here so when that next person walks through the door and says I've been arrested 187 times you walk up and say me too. So was I. And you tell your story. But who also we need in here are the people that have never been arrested one time. Not once. So when that person walks through the door and says, but I've never been arrested, you walk up and say, neither have I. One is useful to God in our fellows. One is pride, and it kills people. We are the last stop on a lot of people's blocks. There's no way we should ever send them from here. And real quick, you know, to throw a little opinion, as I like to do, I have another letter from Bill that says AA's made up of plenty of opinions, all of ours. So you're welcome to a copy anytime. But, you You know, there's such a terrible trend in Alcoholics Anonymous that goes on nowadays. And it's this monkey see, monkey do, my sponsor, your sponsor, my sponsors said, my sponsor said, I remember this, I Remember that, I remember this I remember that and you know they go through this stuff and it's so terrible because what they're doing is they're killing Alcoholics Anonymous and I'll tell you why real quick. Alcoholics anonymous is millions of experiences not one experience Millions of different experiences. Our strength is not in our common bond. That's what holds us together. Our strength in Alcoholics Anonymous is in our individuality. That's our strength. Millions, millions of different tools for anyone that walks through that door. And we look at the stories and I love, like I said, I'm a big book guy, man. I love this thing. Every Monday night, you're welcome to stop by my home. I'm there 6 to 6.45, shoving this book up people's asses one page at a time. And I'm a big book guy, but real quick, let me ask you this. Have you ever wondered why the 164 is so small and the back is so big? You ever wonder? It's because if you don't think you're one of us, the start of the program is worthless. If you don'T believe you're One of Us. and how the stories keep changing as more people, sexual makeup, you know, religious makeup, all the stories start changing, changing, change it to reach all those people. So maybe one of them comes in and says, yeah, me too, man. I'm like him. I'm not like him, but I'm going to do it. I'm a man like him? I had an old guy hit me up one time when I was brand newly sober and I'm sitting in a meeting and I got pajamas on and my hair is purple and I am hanging out in the meeting and this old guy comes up to me and says we need you, Jack. We need you just like you are. I go, yeah, you know, get out of here, man. Split. You know, because I'm thinking he's teasing me. But what he went on to say is, you Know What, Jack? Some of these guys come through the door and they look at me and they say, I don't know what that old guy's talking about. And they come in the door and they're like, and they come and they look at you in your pajamas and your purple hair and you're young and they said, I believe that. I believe it. And I really wonder if you guys believe, like the letter that Bill wrote, if you really believe how useful young people are to Alcoholics Anonymous. And how many lives are saved, and the book talks about it, averted, death being averted by the power in you guys reaching out to people. Real quick, because I know I'm talking a little long, I went to that meeting, I diagnosed myself non-alcoholic. I'm, not like you guys and i'll try to quit and I did try to quit I tried to quit a whole bunch of times on my own I was always stopping starting stopping starting stop and starting come late get a date leave early in out in out and uh And one of these times I was in and out in and Out in and I got 30 days 30 solid days No meetings. No god. No nothing 30 solid day. So on my 30th day. I got a job as a bartender Because I thought that'd be a good job And on my way to work, I stopped by a friend's house to pick up some mushrooms for another friend. I was being of service. And my buddy asked me, he says, how's it going, Jack? I go, oh, it's going real good, man. I go. It's going really good. I got 30 days underage girls gone. They're gone. Baby's gone. They moved out. I woke up one morning. They were gone. Mom's doing good. Everything's good. I got a new job. Is that your bong? Bam. Cunning, baffling, and powerful, alcohol disguised itself as a skunk bud and hidden this guy's bong. So I reach out and I take a bong here. And I came to with a bONG in my mouth. Now, do you know the big book talks about that? It does not say the word bONG. You're not going to find that in there. That might come in edition 8 or something. anyway, but what it does say that's more frightening than that is strange mental blank spots while sober. Do you know how frightening that is? If we have a disease and our very life depends on us not sticking any alcohol in us, but we got a mind that says nobody's home, baby, nobody's home. Do you know how frightening that is? I have new guys sometimes, they want to talk to me about insanity. They want to tell me how insane they are. They say, Jack, I was so insane. I was sneaking and creeping and going down alleys with my pants down. I hadn't slept in seven months. I was insane. Dude, you're not insane. You're on drugs. That's what happens when you're on drops. I mean, God rest, give mother Teresa speed for two weeks. She'd start building bikes. It's got nothing to do with it. Right? And, and real quick. If you ever get a chance to work a 12 step call, a real 12 step call, not what we're talking about today, the stuff we read about in the book, a real twelve step call. Not just grab a guy, dump him off a detox. I'm talking about grab a guide, take him home. Maybe you're feeding him booze to get him off from the shakes, little orange juice, some honey in the morning, keeping them going, sitting with them, going to a meeting round the clock service, twelve step called when you do that with some of these drunks, there are times when you have to take them to emergency, man. I mean, it gets rough. You got guys going out, man? Anyway, when you take them to the hospital and they're all hammered, the doctor doesn't walk out, look at them and go, oh yeah, bipolar, histrionic, looks like he might be a little manic-depressant. He doesn't do it. He says, strap that drunk's ass to a gurney and when he sobers up, we'll diagnose. When he sobres up, You don't even know you're insane until you're sober. Insane, delusional, incapable of seeing the truth regardless of what's going on. I was working one time and I got hit in the stomach with a metal bar. And it's not, it wasn't my stomach, it used to be my stomach. I don't Even know what it is now. It's the area underneath my stomach right that That area. I mean, I just look down and see a stream. I don' t know where that, that area right there, right? So anyway, so I got hit. I got hurt and it hurt. It hurt bad, man. And I was like walking it off, right? And I walk it off and then I don't think anything about it. Two weeks later, I'm on another job and I take my shirt off and this guy goes, whoa, what happened to you? I go, what, what? What happened to me? Because besides being alcoholic, I'm total hypochondriac, right. He goes right there. I go, right where? Right where? I can't see. I'm lifting my stomach up, right? He goes, right there. I run into the bathroom and I lift my stomach up like this and look in the mirror and here's this huge black bruise underneath. I go oh my god! I gotta go to the hospital right now! It was two weeks later. Two weeks later Let me ask you a question How long were you walking around with alcoholism and you were incapable of seeing it? How many days did you look yourself right in the mirror And you were capable of seeing the truth about what was happening insane delusional Real quick. Uh, i'm going to close with this. I take that bong hit I get loaded. Hey, I took a bong hits. So what I might as well start drinking And I start drinking. I go to work. I get fired within a half an hour, you know, first day on the job. And that is not a record around here. And a guy picks me up and he takes me home. He's an AA guy. He sees me. He says, Jack, can I help you? I go, yeah, take me to my mom's house. I'm losing it, man. So he takes us home. He takes me to his mom's, drops me off. When he drops me out, he says, we'll talk tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, because I'd eaten five grams of shrooms by then. So anyway, so I said, okay, okay. Now, I know what we'll talk tomorrow means. We'll talk. Tomorrow is code word for lecture. That's what it means. It means you are way too hammered to deal with now. I'll pick up tomorrow and yell at you. I know What it means So the next day me and this guy are talking on the phone and we're talking nice nice And he's not saying nothing about me being hammered So I bring it up I go. Hey, uh That guy's pretty hammered last night, huh? He goes. Yep I go, hey. Woo. I go last night, huh bro? He goes, yep. What I was waiting for is Jack, you're a loser. Jack, You're a scumbag. Jack,You're an animal. Jack,you're trash. I've heard it my whole life. Loser, scumbags, animal, trash. I'm waiting to hear it from this guy. He's a we don't drink and we definitely don't do any mushrooms either up in here. A guy who saw me coming in and out, in and out, disregarding the steps, disregard the tradition, taking a dump on his program. Saw me loaded. I'm waiting to get yelled at and it ain't coming. I said, dude, I blew 30 days, man. I blew it. He goes, Jack, I know. He says, you know what, Jack? You're probably an alcoholic. He said, if you're an alcoholic, you can't stop drinking. If you do stop, you can stay stopped on your own power. That was the first time I ever heard that. I wish that guy was still here, but he is not. On November 13th of 1988, that guy left these rooms and he went out and tried a drug that he had never tried and he died that night in the car. That man's name was Don Langston. When I turned 15, I laid my chip on his grave and I never realized it before, but he was only 21 years old when he died. I got sober on January 8th of 1989 and I don't know why that day. You guys tell me I gotta have this relationship with God. My relationship with God was hide. That was my relationship. I was scared. I didn't know what to do, man. And I had no understanding of God whatsoever. Thank God for the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. On page 55 of the chapter of the agnostics, Bill says, don't worry about it, man? He says, do the work. Do the work and God will show. God will Show. Everyone around here is always looking for this outer power, outer power, out of power. But in the big Book, Bill Says, we tapped an inner resource, an inside resource I don't know what to say other than thank you thank you for what you guys have done for me and what you guys have done for my family for my little girls you know I don' t know what to tell you man I love being sober I love being here and I don''t know this is for everybody you know what I mean but if you're brand new and you're hurting I hope there comes a day that you fall in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. Really fall in love with it and fall in love with the service, and please, there's a line that I don't want you ever to buy, and it says, let us love you until we can love yourself. Don't. Please do not. It does not jive with the philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous . Let us love you until you can love someone else. And in loving someone else, your whole life will change. And I want to thank you for having me. Thank you. Thank you.