Into Action and the List of Why He Was a Dirty Rotten SOB – John S.

My name is John Scott, and I am an alcoholic. I've been sober since December 19th, 1982, and I'm awful grateful for that, and so is a lot of other people. I kind of feel like they brought me all the way from Billings just to say a few words on behalf of the sinners after that last talk. I am grateful that you folks, the committee decided to bring Cindy and I to this fantastic event that you folks are having. It's really nice we tried to kill ourselves or each other for many many years and now we get to enjoy some of the benefits of being in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in Al-Anon and I'm awful grateful that the committee decided to ask us to come. I really am. I don't know whether I'm going through a change in my program or my walk in this thing or what, but I have had so much fun in AA in the last couple of months and, well, the last several years for sure. But, I mean, it's just like it's gone to a new level. And I love your theme about living in the solution. And it's just, you know, I think it happens to you if you do what we're supposed to do. You know, and like Cindy says, just kind of quit fighting this thing. But we're all kind of fighters. You know. I was always cursed with the secret weapon. You know? I don't know. I have this gray matter between my ears. And there's such a knowing there that, you now, I was talking to, who was it? Steve. I was telling Steve at supper tonight. And we were talking about, Cindy was talking about a banker. I always have these episodes with these bankers. I'm in the ranching and farming business, and I have to deal with bankers, and one of these bankERS that I was dealing with, I had been out buying hay all day and me and this other guy, and now let me translate this for you. What that means is that we would get us a fifth of whiskey apiece, and we'd drive around and look at hay, you know, and we've been doing that, you Know, for quite a while, And we've been discussing our banking situation because we both had the same banker, and we have this new banker now. And, you know, we don't know him. We don't knows him. Never met him before. I've never met him Before. Like Cindy was talking about, you know, there's two places that I like to drink. And I just kind of want to set the stage a little bit. The Northern Hotel was probably one of the nicest places to drink in the state of Montana. I mean, it's where all the bankers and the lawyers and the cattlemen and the ranchers and farmers went. And then the keg bar is on the other side of town. It's where all the losers went, you know. And I fit really well in either one. It didn't make any difference. But I was at the Northern Hotel this particular night and I was with this friend of mine, this friend named Jay, and he says, there's our new banker. Oh, well, you Know, at least he's, I think I can deal with this boy. At least he is drinking, you You know, and so we sent him a drink. Nothing. I mean, no wave or thank you or nothing. You know, I'm afraid I'm a little bit like Chris. I have the mind of a – well, we all have the same mind pretty much, just, you know. And I immediately knew I was probably going to have to lose my ranch and move to Wyoming. And so we sent him another drink and nothing. I mean nothing. The guy don't even look at us, you Know. So now I know that, you know, my career is over, you know, because I'm needing some money. I always did. And after about two more hours of me and Jay drinking, my deal was two at a time and keep them coming. And two more horas go by and finally whoever this banker was drinking with, they leave and he comes over and talks to us. And we got into this deep psychological discussion about sheep. Now, I've got to tell you something. I'm a rancher. I'm an cattle rancher, and I farm and I raise winter wheat, and I raise cattle. I know nothing about sheep, not a thing, nothing, and so anyway, we got in this argument, and we fought for hours, and he explained to me that I didn't know that, and then I explained to him he didn't knew much either, and then my friend was trying to break us up, and she says, we've got go eat. We've got of wheat. So we got in my friend's car, and this is how you impress a brand new banker that you've never met before. First off, you get in a fight over sheep, and then you get tired, and we were driving over to the restaurant, and I just got so tired, I just passed out in his lap. And that's how you impression a banker, you know, and the only good thing about that is about six months later, I finally went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and about nine months later he walked in and i says hey listen i gotta tell you i gotta tell you about that little deal that episode we we had several months ago i said i don't know nothing about sheep and he says neither do i so so that's kind of i think after that i can pretty well that's how my drinking went that's the way it was i mean i always have this i always havethis gray matter between in my ears that seem to always tell me about things that I don't know nothing about. I call it the great liar because it does, it tells me lies and I just love to believe the lies. You give me an honest guy and he tells me the truth and he hurts my feelings and I don�t like him. You gave me a liar, I just love him, you know, they tell me how good I am. So I kind of, you know, that's how I live for the longest time. And, you know, I got to remember, you know, when I said my sobriety date was December 19th, but I always want remember the 18th of december because that's really an important date they say that you need to remember your last drunk well i dang sure do i i remember it fairly well i i mean you know a lot of my stories here say cindy will fill in the blanks all the time she just loves you know they love that they always like to tell you about things that you don't really you know you got to live like this you know what you got to live in a way that you can ask those people about what you did the night before but ask them in such a waythat they know that they don't know that you don't know you know what i mean this is like you don't you want to kind of approach it delicately because you don'T want them to know that you DON'T remember nothing but you know and so you kind of but they i know she'd lie she'd sit there and she'd tell you how bad it really really was you know just drive you crazy and you know i mean that's why i drink there it is you know i mean mia she just drove me crazy i mean she really did you know I I was playing you know now here i am a farmer and rancher now what i was doing when i met her i was playing in a rock and roll band because i i have these spells in my life that i decided to just make a great left turn or right turn you know i'm i'm doing one thing and all of a sudden overnight i'm doing something i've had stores i mean i've done all kinds of different things mostly every one of them a failure but i you know I just like keep you know trying something different all the time I was raised a farmer and rancher that's the only thing I really know so I tried everything else you know and uh I find myself uh waking up on the 18th December in a basement. Now, I'm the kind of guy who goes out for bread on Thanksgiving and I get sidetracked, you know, and I have a few drinks with a few friends. I'm only going to have a couple. You know, that's what we have is a couple and now I'm going to sit down and I'm gonna have a cup of drinks and then I'll get the bread at the keg bar. It was open on Thanksgiving and I don't know what happens. It's 18th of december i mean some time has passed and i and i can remember you know i can remember her saying you know things like you know if you just call me if you Just call me and let me know you know I did that once you know, I did it twice and then I knew that stupid you know you you don't want you just don't wanna do those kinds of things so anyway I ain't calling her and I'm out there and it's the it's the 19th of December and I wake up in this basement of this guy's house and and finally you know how you wake up just just just shock you know because you know that you're going to have to ask people about what you did and you got to ask them in such a way that they know that You don't know and that and you're sitting there you're trying to recall what the heck happened and what's been going on because I'm the kind of guy who once I start drinking I like to keep doing it until I run out of money or my buddy can't stand it anymore or something happens you know I get thrown in jail whatever and I and I find myself waking up this day and for something happened to me this day and that was that I began to really get a sense of that I had to change something in my life because I had been trying to kill myself for a while sticking a gun in my mouth wanting to pull the trigger and I couldn't do that and then it dawned on me you know, it ain't really my fault that my life has been going so bad it's really her fault and I got to thinking I probably need to take her with me and then I got and I know we laugh about it today but at the time I was pretty serious about this stuff and then I got to thinking about other things that are not funny and I got thinking about those kids and about what kind of life would those kids have knowing that their dad killed their mom and it began to make sense to me to take the kids out now this is something I had been living with for years, not years but for weeks months and I would dwell on this kind of thinking and I knew that I was crazy I would have to be crazy, wouldn't I? And I just absolutely knew that I was twisting off. And I didn't know what to do about it. I mean, people from time to time had talked to me about quitting drinking. It's like, my God, you've got to be kidding. I mean drinking to me was the only thing that would put me in the center. You know, I could take a few drinks of alcohol on a fairly bad day and all of a sudden my shoulders would relax and my head would calm down and I'd be able to just breathe in and out. For the first time, maybe in two or three days, I would feel comfortable in my own skin. And my problem wasn't drinking. My problem was her. My problem is the bank. My problem with everything else but not my drinking. My drinking's the only thing that relaxes me. It gives me, like Cindy was talking about, it gives me intuitive thought. I used to learn things at the Northern Hotel. I just never would, you know, it just wouldn't have come to me unless I'd have been there drinking. The only trouble is by the next morning I'd black out and I wouldn't remember what it was that I learned, you know? Oh, and she was talking about being a little religious. We got into this deal for a while that we had to go to church. I mean, but we weren't going to a church. We had to goes to the church, which is in another town, you know, Bible study in the middle of the night kind of deal. And we'd go over there so we'd really, really get it. And I'd come home. Well, I didn't come home, I'd have to stop over at the Northern Hotel just when I was about to know truth, I'd pass out or something and the next morning I'd be blacked out and couldn't remember what it was that I learned from the night before. And that's kind of how I would, you know, and I'm thinking it's normal. I think this is kind of a normal life, you now. I'm just kind of bumbling along and every once in a while I'd show up to work, you know. You don't want to do that too often. And usually what I had, you know I had like 75 employees working for me at the time and almost every one of them were alcoholics. You don't want to hire Al-Anons. They make you look bad. You know, they show up and stuff. And I can, you know, and I mean, this operation we had was a pretty good-sized operation. I would step outside into my helicopter, and then I'd fly to work. I mean that's the kind of operation I had, you known. It's like one of my neighbors said to me, he says, you're the only person I know who could fly a helicopter, drink a beer, smoke a cigarette all at the same time. And I didn't find that kind of stuff hard to do, you kno. I just thought that I was doing really well. I thought that my mind was okay except for a few little minor glitches about me trying to kill my wife. And I can remember waking up in that basement of that house that morning and I'm going, you know, I need to go see somebody. And the guy that I needed to see was a feed salesman named Frank. And Frank and I were old drinking partners from way back. And Frank, he told me one time I was opinionated and him and I got in this argument about me being opinionated. And we argued about it all night long. And about 4 o'clock in the morning, he finally agreed that I wasn't opinionated. And Frank, a few months earlier, six months earlier. Frank had been out at the ranch. He'd come by once a month. Frank was like my ebby to Bill. Like a breath of fresh air. Here comes Frank. Now I've got somebody who can drink with me at noon. Out at the ranche. And Frank comes in, and Cindy's gone. By this time, I didn't realize that I was married to a black belt Al-Anon or pre-Al-Anons. We were going to – this was during a recession time in Billings. And Cindy and I got into this argument one time about her getting a job. She said she was going to go to town and get a job, and I laughed. I thought, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard because what had happened was in this recession, and all my friends down at the keg bar had been trying to get jobs for a year or so, and none of them could get a job. And she goes into town that day, gets three jobs and works all three of them. I couldn't believe it. She's always embarrassing me those ways and I can remember Frank coming out that day and she wasn't there so I might as well have a few drinks with Frank. So I'm pouring whiskey. My deal is whiskey with a beer chaser and Frank not drinking. I said, Frank, what's the matter with you? How come you're not drinking? I'm not drinking for today, he'd say. And I'd sit there and I'd have another drink or two. I said, come on, Frank, have a drink. He says, no, John, I'm just going to have a little bit of a drink for you. I said to him, no John, no. I'm Not Drinking For Today. Now Frank and I are old, old time drinking buddies. I mean we just had great time drinking in the past. But I couldn't get him to drink. And I'm an obnoxious kind of a drunk. If you don't want to drink with me and have fun, I'll have fun with you while I'm drinking. And this bar that we had in my house was down in the basement. And I'd get down there, and I'd be drunk down there a lot of times. Cindy was a little touched. She left out a lot Of parts. And I always like it better when she talks first. That way I can kind of fill in some of these blanks. Because I would be downstairs drinking with my buddies, you know, and she'd be, I'm talking about 2, 3 o'clock in the morning. She's upstairs above the bar was the linoleum floor of the kitchen. And she'd be vacuuming it, you know, with running this vacuum over the top of that linoleum, just making all kinds of racket. Had the washer going, the dryer going, you knows, washing machine going. And they'd talk to me every once in a while about her being intense, and she was intense. But anyway, it wasn't too bad right now at this particular time because she was at work, you know, and Frank was sitting there, and I couldn't get Frank to drink with me. And finally, after a couple of hours, I kept saying, Frank, why don't you have a drink? He says, I've got to go. Why do you have to go? I've Got to go to a meeting. Well, what can be such an important meeting that, you know, you're not drinking with your old buddy John? And finally he fasted up and said, he says, John, I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous. I said, Frank? AlcoholicsAnonymous? He says yeah. He says I'm Going to AlcoholicAnonymous. I said, well, Frank, you drink just like I do. And he says, yeah, I know. And I said well, I've been having some troubles and I didn't like what was happening to me and I told them I hated Cindy and my job was bad it was about ready to fire me and they should have but there was something that was going on inside of me that was chipping away I mean, I began to lose everything that I thought was important, like being responsible and having some integrity and my word was good. And those things were just disappearing, just disappearing. And I remember saying to Frank, you know, Frank, would you take me to a meeting? And Frank says, no. He says, I won't take you to a meet. I said, well, why not, Frank? And he says, well it's simple. Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who want to quit drinking and you're not through yet. And, you know, I can remember waking up the next morning, my God. You know what I almost did? I almost went to Alcoholics Anonymous last night. This drinking is getting out of hand. I'm going to have to start watching it, you now. You know, and what I want to be quick to add is that, you kno, Frank said, if you want to go tomorrow, I'd be glad to take you. But no, I'm not going to get that bad. I mean, I am not that bad, but I am going to go to Alcoholic Anonymous. You know Alcoholics anonymous is where they teach you how to drink. And I already know how to drink. You know, I knew. I had the secret weapon. And so anyway, you know, on December 18th, I woke up and I knew who I had to go see. I hadto go see Frank because Frank had been going to you guys. You guys had warped him. You know? He wasn't drinking no more. And, yeah, Frank was getting a divorce and everything, but at least he wasn't drinkin', you know? And I'd been in the process of getting a divorced from Cindy because she was just crazier than a loon. I mean, anybody that knew her knew she's nuts. And I went to my lawyer, and I told him, you know, I've got to get a divorce here. This ain't working. He says, You know, John, with your track record, she's going to end up with them kids. I didn't even hardly know I had kids until then, you Know. All of a sudden, you notice, I don't know if anybody in this room is like this, but you tell me I can't have something, that's the thing I want the most, You Know. And so I'm working on this deal about how am I going to get these kids and get rid of her, You Knowing. I mean, killing her made sense again. And so I find myself sitting there, you know, Frank's getting a divorce. Maybe he gets sober. I don't know. You know, I don' t know. I mean if you're new, like I was new, my thought process lasted about ten seconds. You know? I mean it's like I can't stand her. I just want to kill her. You know. Ten seconds later, oh, my God, I love her so much. You know try and just bawl and then just be mad. And I always want to remember that last day I drank at the keg bar. You know, this is December 19th. I mean, we'd gone to see Frank. And Frank was so tickled to see us. And he had just 20 questions. You know what you guys think of the AA-20 question? Nobody can pass it. Test. I knew it. I knew the deal. You know. You got this name that's hurting you to begin with. Alcoholics Anonymous. See, you ain't getting them lined up to come in here, I'll guarantee you. So you've got to have, you know, it's really simple. You've got to have a trick to get people in here, and you've got this test. There's 20 questions. And ain't nobody can pass the test. He gives it to me. He gives them to this other guy named Johnny that I've been drinking with for the last several weeks, and we took the test, I cheated, and I flunked, you know? And, I mean, it says like if you get two wrong, you might as well hang it up, but if you're three, you're done. I mean I'm getting like 19 out of 20, you Know? You know, and Frank, he said, here, take the test. Johnny took the test, Johnny flunked it, I flunk'd it, you know. And he says, he looks in the, he goes out and talks to Johnny, we're already drinking beer, I mean, it's early in the morning. And I told Frank, I said, you Know, I'd sure like to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous tonight. And Frank says, Well, I'm not going to take you. You can't go to 8-8 tonight. And I said Well, why not? He says, well, look at you guys are drinking. He says I'll tell you what you do. He says, you guys go ahead and drink all you want today, but tomorrow don't drink and I'll take you to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've had people come up to me after the meetings and say, that's not right. Well, I'll change the story when you tell it. But that's the way it was. You know, that is what happened to me. And so I can remember we got in the car and I was not too distraught. I mean, I'm going to go to AA tomorrow, but today, And I used to live in one day at a time long before I got here. Today, I can go to the keg. And so I go to The Keg, and we're at The Kege Bar. It's about 8, 15 in the morning. And we're showing all these guys, there's five of us in there, me and Johnny and these three other guys, the 20 questions. And now I'm confident. There is no way in the world that these 20 questions are anything more than a trap to get people to come to, because all of us, in The Kegen Bar at 8, 30 in the mornin', couldn't pass a test. You know? It's a simple deal. What's so funny about it, today whenever I let Cindy's Al-Anons take it, shoot, they pass it. I mean, it's no big deal, you know. I don't know what they do and they don't even cheat. But even today when I try to take the test, I still can't pass it, you know. So I guess I'm in the right place. But anyway, I just want to remember how much fun I was having at that keg that last day, you know. I mean I would be over in the corner crying because I was so alone and so lonely. and you'd come over and sit down and want to talk to me and I'd want to fight you you know and then you'd leave and then I'd be crying because I saw a lonely and alone you know and that's I mean that's basically my last day of drinking you know there wasn't a lot more going to it than that you know every once in a while I'd have to go in the bathroom and then if I got that I'd crap my chaps and you know the next time I don't even have underwear to throw away I mean it was it was just oh some guys have done that here too huh yeah you lose track after a while and i uh i just uh you know it's such a wonderful time you know when you get to when you gets to thinking about how good it really really was you know i always like to think about that last day so it's important to remember that i think because sometimes we get to thinking abut how how it could have been or should have been and i'll tell you there's a couple other stories i'lll tell you about about my insane thinking you know but that was one of them i you know that was one of my deals you know i just i just forget sometimes and and uh but anyway uh next morning frank calls cindy and says uh don't let him drink don't learn drinking cindny had long since she'd quit giving up on the idea about me drinking and she didn't even like she didn'T like frank she didnT like any of my friends i don'T you know she just DIDN'T i don't know there wasn'T nobody that i liked that she liked and and you know it she was intense and i can remember uh that next night i didn't drink i went to meeting went to my first they met me across the street at a restaurant before i went into the went to the meeting and uh you know and i got them i got to figuring it out pretty quick that they wasn't going to teach me how to drink they were talking about not drinking you know they're talking about i know if you're new they're talking about one day at a time don't drink one day to ten but i knew i knew that they were talking about a little more in one day of time but but anyway i can remember sitting there and I don't know about you guys, but when I'm drunk for two or three weeks at a time, I get so nervous. And they were laughing and joking, and they had ordered these steaks, and they'd ordered them one, and then they got me one. And they laughed, and ate my steak, their steaks. And I can remember this Richard. He brought a friend of his named – Frank had bought this friend of His named Richard, and Richard was Frank's sponsor. And I kind of figured it out right there. I knew what the deal was. It got to 20 questions. That gets people in there. And then after you go to AA for a few days, they make you sign on the dotted line that you'll have to pay them like 50 to 100 bucks a month for the rest of your life, and that keeps them sponsors going, you know? And so I just know these things, you Know? And I don't know where it comes from, but all I have to do is just dream it up, and there it is. And so I can remember Richard asking me a question. This is kind of an elite group of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's been over six months I've been trying to get in here, and he asked me this question. He says, John, do you feel like you're responsible for your own actions? And I can't remember my mind just, you know, just, and I go, and I know what the answer is, at least I think I do, and he says, yes. He says good, now maybe you'll start acting like it. acting like I'm responsible for my own actions. I know the deal. I know that I'm going to have to do this. He's been talking to Frank, Frank's been talking to Cindy, and Cindy's been telling him about how I'm not being responsible. And that's how my mind would work. Every time somebody would say something, I'd figure out what the hidden meaning was. And we went across the road there to the meeting that night. It was a great place for a guy to go to Alcoholics Anonymous because you went in the alley and come in the back door. I was so embarrassed and so ashamed that I was going into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Of course, two weeks earlier when I was peeing in the parking lot of the Northern Hotel, it didn't bother me, you know, or peeing In The Lobby. I was always great for that. I don't know why they didn't throw me in jail over that. I just had a problem with it. I think he did too if I remember. You know, it's like I just found myself just so embarrassed going to meetings. I wouldn't want nobody to think I was trying to get better. You know? I wouldn'T want anybody to think that I was tying to change my life. I mean, I've been a complete failure up until this point. And now I was embarrassed about going to meeting of alcoholics anonymous, but something happened. I walked in that room and they were laughing and joking. And, of course, they were. They're all paid counselors. You knew it. And they were telling me stuff like this. There were some of them guys that had 15 years and not having a drink, you know. Why? Why would you do that? And then some of the men had 20 and 25, and you know they're lying. They've got to be. I mean, nobody, why would you say that? Why would your do that to yourself, you now? But there was a guy sitting next to me, and I asked him, I said, how long have you been here? And he says, I've been here two weeks. And by God, he looked like it too. And I thought at least he began to believe the lie. And because of him, I thought, well, maybe I can stay sober for two weeks. You know, a year is out of the question, but maybe two weeks, I can do two weeks maybe. I've never done two weeks before as long as I could remember. You know? And now maybe because of Alcoholics Anonymous, maybe i can do 2 weeks. And that night they got to talking about this sponsor who I knew I was going to have to pay the 50 bucks to later. And I didn't get to pick my first sponsor. This guy named Johnny comes up and says, I'll be your sponsor now. and he says you'll come home with me and I went home with him and we got that big book out and we were talking about Alcoholics Anonymous and he'd have his kids there and the kids would be telling us about how good their life was and the mother was there it's just he had seven years of sobriety and finally at two o'clock when the bars closed in Billings, Montana he says go home all right so he you know so then i go home and the next morning he calls up and says come into town so i go into town i'm sitting there at this place and he was an auctioneer and he had this uh you know he had some time and along about 10 o'clock here comes two guys from a from the group and they they'd go with me for a while and and i was nervous i mean i was shaking and rattling and rolling and they had this concoction this honey and k-roll syrup and and and orange juice and a handful of vitamins. I forgot what the vitamins were. We lost the secret, you know. Put it in a blender and say, drink it, it'll make you feel better. Well, it didn't make me feel better, but I'll guarantee you after about two or three of them, you just, I feel better! I feel good! I feel bad, you're not. So anyway, I can remember at noon, here comes two more guys. A little bit later, here comes 2 more guys and they were relaying me and they did that for about two weeks. Then the meeting would start and I'd go to Johnny's house after the meeting. We'd talk about Alcoholics Anonymous and at 2 o'clock he'd say, it's time for you to go home now. And I'd go home the next morning and just repeat over again. And I found myself being sober. I found oneself sober for a couple of weeks. And I was amazed at how easy it was. I mean, I had never been sober as long as I could remember. I mean I was always doing something. I'm doing dope or I'm smoking or I'M drinking or I' m doing something, always. But now all of a sudden I have been clean and sober for two weeks and life is going pretty good. The only trouble with Alcoholics Anonymous for an alcoholic of my type, it works too well sometimes. Man, I made a big deal out of nothing. Certainly, I've got the secret weapon here. They read those steps. You know, there's people in that room that I begin to believe that they've been there for 25 years and they still didn't know what the first 165 pages of the big book of AlcoholicsAnonymous was saying because they'd say, you know, I found something new in there just last night. And I just felt sorry for them. You know, I really did because they were – you know, this was not an above-average group. And there's a – I always like to talk about my home group a little bit because, you know. It was just so weird. You know. It seemed like Quintabra was new. There's a little gal named Millie in there. She's like a grandmother type. And she'd say, just look at all the miracles. And she – I mean, she'd get teary-eyed over this business about looking at miracles. I mean, I ain't seen nothing. I don't know what she's talking about, you know? And then there's this guy named Nick. And Nick was a guy he'd walk up behind Frank and I because we'd be whining because our wives were treating us wrong. And he'd go, well, pour me. Pour me. Pour me another drink, you Know? And Nick's favorite deal was if you haven't been here for six months to a year, there is no reason at all for me to remember your name because you're just a visitor. It's like, geez, youknow what I mean? This is a loving and kind group, you know. There's another guy in the group called Rotten Ralph, and Rotten Rolfe was an attorney, and he's still alive today. I see him at meetings every once in a while, but Rotten Roff was, he was a little crazed, I thought. He would sit there, and he would pick on new guys, you know, who seemed to be whining about their wives as much as I can remember, and he'd sit there and after he, I'd get through talking, or whoever it was, some poor victim, he'd start hammering on them about how they were selfish and self-centered and egotistical knotheads and just kill you. I mean, verbally, just kill ya. And then after he got through, he'd always carry his dollar for the collection plate in his pocket and he says, now, if I have pissed you off, let me be the first to buy you the drink. You know? I mean that's no way to treat new people. I mean come on. I mean even I knew that when I was new, you know? And then there's this sponsor of mine. And he was getting weirder by the hour. I mean, he really was. He'd call you up in the middle of the night and say, You better get in here. They're in my closet. They're going to break out, and they're going to get me sure as heck. Get in here, and I'm new, but I'm not stupid, okay? I'm talking to some of the older guys in the group, and I tell them about this, and he's getting a little twisted off, you know. Well, can't you help him? I mean isn't that what sponsors are for? You know, talk to your sponsor. No, no, his sponsor, he says, He don't listen to the sponsor anymore. I don't listen to the group anymore. And he hadn't sponsored hardly anybody. Now all of a sudden he's got three or four guys he's sponsoring, and I go home the next night and get this phone call. Who have you been talking to? I haven't been talking TO anybody. Well, get in here. They're out in the car. I can see them out there in the cars, and they're smoking cigarettes. Get in here before they get me, you know. You know, I'd hang up the phone, and there would be one of Johnny's guys that would call and say, Have you talked to Johnny tonight? Yeah, he's a little twisted off again, ain't he? Yeah, and then you'd hang up the phone and it would be Johnny. Who have you been talking to? Who have we been talking with? And I mean, this is when I'm just hours old. I mean I bet you I hadn't had more than – this is what happened within 45 days after me being sober, Johnny went out. And Johnny had seven years. And I'm going, well, how did that work? And the old guy said, well this is how that worked. He got too well for his sponsor and he got too wel for the group. He began to know things that we don't know. And he began to be in charge of his life again. And I don't what else was happening to him because he was seeing people that wasn't there and that kind of stuff. I don' t know whether he's drinking or not, but he was gone. He was gone, and I thought, you know, now is my chance. I've been kind of abused right off the bat because I didn't get to pick my sponsor. A lot of guys in that group had got to pick their sponsor. And this little blonde, I'd been looking at this little blond for a while. And I thought, she's the one. She's got what I want. And so I went in there that night and I was going to go up and ask her if she'd be my sponsor. And Richard came out of nowhere and says, John, I'm sorry to hear that your sponsor went out and got drunk. I said, well, I know that. I knowthat. But I'll be all right. And he says, I'M GOING TO BE YOUR SPONSOR. well I said now Richard I really don't know if I want you to be my sponsor Richard says I didn't ask you if you wanted me to be your sponsor he says I'm going to be your sponsor he says you need a sponsor and I need somebody to sponsor I'm gonna be your sponsor he always knew what I wanted always he was a used car salesman and within two weeks he sold me a diesel car this is when diesel cars didn't have any pickup you'd floorboard them and they just, you know, she was not happy. She wasn't happy about anything during that time anyway, so it didn't make any difference. And I could just, I could Just, you know, and I, so anyway, now I got this Richard, and Richard was three-piece suit, wingtip shoes, always dressed up to go into meetings. He says, you always dress up when you go to a meeting. This is my church. You treat it like it's a church. You actually have to begin to learn how to have some kind of respect in your life, so you might as well start with Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, he's just crazy about this respect for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. He says it saved my life. And if you can get over yourself, it might start saving yours. And he'd have this three-piece suit on, and you could see his reflection in his shoes. He always wore his suit, and he smoked cigarettes just like this all the time. And I don't know. I know that some of you, there's some new people here tonight, and I hope none of you is like me, but I got so well so fast. I mean, AA was working for me good, and I got to where I began to know things that these poor people that had been in AA for a long, long time just were missing. You know, they were just missing it. And I don't want you to think that I had a bad attitude or anything, but I'd walk in there every once in a while and there's this hillbilly named Gerald, and Gerald would say, how are you doing, John? And I said, well, Gerald, I hate my wife mostly, andI don't like God, and I'm not sure I like Alcoholics Anonymous anymore either, you know. He'd say, no, no. I did that four or five times. He'd go, no we're not going to do that no more. He says, John, from now on, when I come to you, I'm going to shake your hand and I'm going to look you in the eye. And I'm gonna say, John how are you doing? And you're going to say, why Gerald, you're gonna say I'm getting better in every way every day. Thank you very much. Now here you got an honesty program and you got me lying right off the bat. You know. And I stayed in AA a little bit longer and it just seemed like it got blacker. And I didn't realize that my problem was alcoholism, not drinking. I thought that my problem was drinking. And if my problem was drinking, all I have to do is quit drinking and my life should get better. But I quit drinking and my wife and my whole life is not getting better. My life day by day is getting a little worse. So now I've got about three months of sobriety and I cannot stand anybody who's even close to me and I just, I don't know, my attitude got worse and my attitude got worse and I thought, you know, that doggone Nick, he hasn't remembered my name yet And I'm going to, and I know nobody in this group has ever done that, but I think I'm gonna teach this old guy a little bit. You know, and I'm gong to get him where at least he's going to remember my name. And I can remember going, Nick, this is after a meeting, there's probably eight, ten people around in the room. I says, Nick got a minute? You know in my best humble approach. And he says, well sure John. And so I started telling him about how bad my wife was and he jumps up and screams at me. He says, so you're an alcoholic! He says I don't care about your wife, you're an alcoholic. Now, what are you going to do about it? And I said, I've had enough. I can't stand Alcoholics Anonymous, this humiliation that these guys are putting on me. So I start to go through the door. Now this is a crippled old man. He beats me to the door, he pushes me up against the wall and he says, now listen. He says, listen son, he says you're wasting my time, you're wasted their time and you're losing your time. All you're trying to do right now is go out and get drunk. You are an alcoholic, and that's what you're trying to do. So you better get a hold of the deal, you know? And out of nowhere comes this guy that's rotting around for the dollar. Yeah, let me buy your first drink. Let me buy you a first drink, you now? I hate Alcoholics Anonymous, and I can remember, I can't remember. This is it. I quit AlcoholicsAnonymous forever. I jump outside. I go in and get my diesel car. I'm going to spin gravel. I'm going out thank God I had to drive 35 miles I'm cussing I'm beating on the dash I'm yelling honking my horn it's like I just can't stand it you know and it's all of a sudden somebody slapped me and it was like so you're an alcoholic so you are an alcoholic now what are you going to do about it because something that happened to me in that 60 days or 90 days is I began to hear what you people were talking about and I began to believe that maybe there was hope for me in here and I can remember the next 24 hours or so it's like maybe it's my first spiritual experience or my first virtual awakening not experience but an awakening and I could remember that next day I got in that diesel car to go back to that meeting because there's no place, where do you go? I mean, I had tried psychiatrists and I'd tried doctors and I've tried lawyers and I tried preachers and priests. And I'd done everything that I could think of. I had done everything that I can think of there was nothing left that I couldn't think of that i could do and I got not diesel car and I started to drive and I thought, God, this is so embarrassing and humiliating. I'm going to have to drive back in there First person I'll see, sure as heck Nick, he won't know my name. Then I'll see old Gerald, and Gerald will stick his hand out and say, Well, John, how are you doing? Well, Gerald, I'm getting better in every way every day. Thank you very much, you know. Got to give Nick back his damn dollar, you now. But the journey began. The journey began, and little by little I begin to feel like maybe I was one of you people. Maybe I began to feel like I was an alcoholic. I didn't know what an alcoholic was. I can remember tears in my eyes telling Richard, you know, God, I just want to learn how to drink normal. He laughed. He started laughing. He said, drinking normal? You want to drink normally? He says, let me tell you about normal drinking. And he started to tell me. And here's what I get from normal. Cindy is a normal drinker. She does the dumbest things. She has, you know, my deal is two at a time and keep them coming. That's my deal. So automatically I get two, and she gets the umbrella drink, you know, a little umbrella, maybe a fruit hanging out of it. And I'll just drink too many of them. They always make you sick, you know, but somebody has to do it. And so she's sitting there, and she's having this umbrella drink. You know, and I've already done my first two, and it's embarrassing because now it's time to order another one. She has about that fall, you know, they don't know how to get here. And they sit here, and they go, and they talk. And I mean, we're drinking and there's, you know, and then they'll put it down. They just ignore it. You know, you've got to concentrate on it. And then finally, just out of desperation, I'd have to drink it and then we'd order a new one, you know? And he started explaining it to me. And then they say the dumbest thing, you know? Actually, she said like 1.5 drinks. She goes, oh, no, thank you. I don't want any more. I'm starting to feel it. It's like, What? What is it that you think you're feeling? Because whatever it is that you're feeling, come on, drink past that. Drink past that! And they don't do it. They can't get past it. And shoot, I'm on my fourth or fifth drink and it's like all of a sudden I'm I can breathe again. I'm human again. I'm at peace with myself. I'm At Peace With My Surroundings. And I can't for the life of me figure out why in a heck she don't drink another one. It's like, I just don't understand that. She talked about it in her talk. It's, like, we have this, you know. I thought that everybody had that experience. I thought everybody felt like we feel when we have a few drinks. But not many of us do. There's only about 7% or 8% of us that feel that way. And that's why we go to meetings and they don't have to. You know, Al-Anons have to, but normal people don't. Sick Al-Ans have to do. You know, and so I kind of began to pick up a little bit on this kind of stuff. And Richard was one of them big book fanatics, and he'd open the book and he's read, you know, The Doctor's Opinion, Allergies, Allergic Reaction, Couples of Mental Obsession, and all this kind stuff. And I know a little about allergic reactions. I'm allergic to apples, bananas, cherries, and avocados. And when I eat an apple, my face swells up, my chest swells shut, and I can't breathe. And I'm going, well, how do you guys think that this is an allergic reaction? He says, well it's really simple. He says once we take a drink, it just tastes like more. That's why when I go to bread, to get bread on Thanksgiving Day, I don't show up for a month. That's how that works. When I take a Drink of Alcohol, my body has an adverse reaction to it and it tastes like More. And like one old guy says, and it causes me to break out in spots like Denver and L.A. and Chicago. But it does. But here's the difference between the apples and the booze. I have never had a miserable damn day, and I'm going home because I can't stand the work I'm doing or the people around me. You know, I'm gonna go in that grocery store and I'M GONNA BUY MYSELF SIX APPLES. I'M GOING TO PUT ONE IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT, ONE UNDER THE SEAT, TWO IN THE TRUNK, AND I'MGONNA EAT ONE ON THE WAY HOME. When I get home, I'm going to eat one adder just to prove that I can by God. You know, it just never occurs to me to do that. It's just not part of my thinking. And another thing, I've never been at a fancy restaurant and you're sitting there and you look across the table and there they are, they're having fruit salad. You know? Oh, why me, God? Why me? You know. It just doesn't happen like that, you know. Now, I sure have done that with wine. I've seen people drink wine from a long ways off and go, why me you know why why can't i drink wine never even thinking about i didn't like wine in the first place you know if i'm gonna drink i'm going to drink whiskey you know and so little by little i start to understand that i do have an allergic reaction to alcohol and that i have this insane thinking so the minute the minute i decide that i'm to quit drinking it's like there's a little time bomb in the back of my head waiting to go off and it's just there and it is just ticking it's just working and it's like i fall into the great illusion that every alcoholic does and that is that now that i've quit drinking i'm going to be all right now that I've been a good boy for a little while I'll be all Right Now That I've Been Sober For A While Now That I Know What I Knew About Alcoholism Now That i went to AA for a while now i know and knowing doesn't help because if i take a bite out of that apple tonight i'll guarantee you what will happen and I'll have an adverse reaction. My face will swell shut, my chest will swell shot, and I won't be able to breathe. And the same thing with that drink. I'll take a drink of alcohol, and I will have an inverse reaction to it, and it will just simply taste like more. And I might be sneaky. I might not be able to make it through tonight with just one, but I'll guarantee you that little guy in the back of my head is going to be working full time going, yeah, it went so well. It's just like that story in the big book. I just love Jim's story. You know, he says the experiment, you know, well, his deal was I'm going to have a glass of milk with a little bit of whiskey in it now he says sure they won't hurt me on the full stomach you know he says he drinks it and then the next line says the experiment went so well I understand that you know the experiment Went so well he just said have another and then another you know he goes to the nut house you know I mean that's what we do you know and so I begin to start to kind of catch on to what you folks was talking about you know the the people in Alcoholics Anonymous begin to touch me begin to put some sense into the insanity of my thinking and I'm so grateful that this has happened to me my life is absolutely I am just absolutely having a blast here now if you're new and you're thinking that your life is over because you're in Alcoholic Anonymous I got really really good news for you Your life hadn't even started yet. And if you're brand new here, just grab a hold of some old guy around here. It's probably crazy, you know. But you want to find somebody who's going to tell you the truth. And don't find a liar. Don't find the cheat like I always. You know, find some old crusty guy who insists on making your life miserable and I guarantee you he'll probably save it. You know? And that's just the way it was for me. You know. Those guys. Now, some people need to be patted on the back. I'm not saying that. But some people like me, you know, dropkick me every once in a while. I'm just not paying attention, you Know. And I tell you how goofy I am. I was in AA for 11 years, 11 years. I'm sponsoring, I don't know at that time, I suppose 15, 20 guys, something like that. And I'm going to meetings on a real regular basis. And I got this guy. I got This rich guy that I was sponsoring. I mean, this guy has got lots of money. He spends his summers or his winters down in Central America. You know, salesman, great salesman Good salesman And he'd been sober for about five years Went out and got drunk For about five hours For about six or seven years Now he's been sober And I've been a sponsor for about 5 minutes 5 seconds And he calls me up And says That he's firing me Because I'm over-correcting I'm doing too much AA And it's not the way it's supposed to be Like he would know And he's kind of sure, I guess And I find myself, this guy is good, and I find myself going, yeah. Because he's telling me all the things that I'm doing wrong, and I'm starting to go, yeah, it's making sense. Now I'm only 11 years sober, this guy's brand new sober, who drank in a few hours. And he's starting to make sense to me, and I'm beginning to think about it. Now at the same time I was running a store for my sister who was depressed and she had reason to be depressed. Her business was going downhill 100 miles an hour. I got hold of it and went to 500. I mean, it was just poof! And I called her up and I said, Maggie, I'll tell you what. What do you think I come over and pick you up at lunch and maybe I'll take you out to eat? Oh, she says that would be nice if you would do that. She says that Would Be Nice. So I said alright, I'd be glad to do that so I keep thinking about this guy he fired me that morning and anyway I go over to Maggie's house And I picked her up, and she hadn't laughed in months. I mean, not in months, hadn't even cracked a smile. And I was telling her, you know, I had this guy, and he fired me the other day, and he said it was overcorrection. And I got to thinking, Cindy and I were just having a lot of bad luck at the time that I got the Alcoholics Anonymous. And probably the truth of the matter is, yeah, I drank a little bit, but it wasn't that bad. And now that times have passed and things have gotten better, she started laughing. She's over there, and I'm driving down the road. And she's over there cracking up. And then she gets goofy about it, and she's really laughing and yells at me to get to a gas station right now. And I pull into this gas station, and she runs into the bathroom. And she comes back still laughing. And I said, what the hell is so damn funny? And she says, God, you are crazy, aren't you? And I say, what are you talking about? She says, you don't remember? She said, you don'T remember the last three years you drank? We didn't think you was going to make it. You know, we knew for sure you wasn't going to break it. You never drew a sober stinking breath that whole period of time and i go well i guess i'll have to go to a meeting tonight you know and it's just this is like you just have these laps of memory that you can't in the book talks about it you can't with sufficient recall bring into to to memory the suffering and the humiliation of a week or even a month ago well what about 11 years it's even further away now it's Even further away you know so what do you do what do You do if you have a mind like mine it just simply leaks it just leaks you know i'm going along and so that's why i have to keep going back to meetings over and over and you go to meetings and you know you're gonna go to a meeting tomorrow night see the same people you've seen tonight and you kind of simulate some kind of interest you know oh hi charlie how you doing glad to see you you know and you're just but something happens you do get to where you're glad to See each other and we do get to where we're concerned about each other's well-being and the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous kicks into high gear and then you put on top of that the planned program of action outlined in the first 164 pages of the big book and this thing just gets good it just gets good and the first thing we think about well i ain't really having fun truth and matters i i probably am not that bad and it just seems like it just leaks all the time it just leaked all the time. And that's why I've got to have guys in mind in my life that I sponsor, and that's why I have to have a sponsor. I call my sponsor every Tuesday morning at 7 o'clock, and I report in, and I say, here I am. What do you think? And some days he says, I think you're a little twisted. And on those days, he says I think you need to do this or you need to that, and want to do that. I have not had a direction from my sponsor for a long, long time. I have had the honor and the privilege to have five sponsors in my sobriety. One at a time, but five sponsors. And each one of those guys with the exceptional one is dead now. And my sponsors have taught me how to live, and my sponsors Have taught me how to die. I have just absolutely... Richard, I would go in and see Richard when he was on his deathbed, and I'd ask him how he was doing, and he would say, don't worry about me. I mean, this guy, I mean I wouldn't be doing that. I'd be, ah, you know, but he said, don'T worry about me. He says, take care of my nurse. Make sure she's doing all right. You know, kind of keep an eye out for her. She's working too hard. I mean how do you do that? You know what happens to people in AA when we start working this thing? How can people like us who are all social misfits for the most part, you now, we just, I mean we can't hardly walk and talk and chew gum at the same time and we find ourselves i find the people in alcoholics anonymous the finest people in the world for the most part there's some buttheads in here of course but there's a lot of there is there is nothing any more beautiful than a new guy or a new girl when that light comes on you know when that when that spark happens and you know what is sad to me some people come here and they never see it. They never get the picture. And I don't know whether we're totally self-obsessed like the book says, but I think it's probably got a lot to do with it. I love the cow joke. I wonder what the cow's thinking about me. You know, it reminded me of one of my guys, you know, he's up there talking. He talks for about 20 minutes about himself. He says, okay, enough about me now. What do you think about me? You know? It's just amazing how that is, But it's like something happens to us. And if you're in AA and you've been in AA for a while, and AA is dull and boring and it's not like it was in the olden days, whatever that was, you know, 15 days ago or 15 years or whatever it was, you know. If it's nicht quite like it war, then I suggest something. I suggest that you grab hold of a new guy and watch the lights come on. And I'll guarantee you what, AA will not be dull, boring, and glum. because to me there's nothing like it. To me there is absolutely nothing like it. All of a sudden out of nowhere you begin to see things that you just never dreamed possible. There's a little gal in our home group, her name was Margaret and she'd say, you know them that go to meetings stay sober and them that don't, don't. And I can remember thinking what a lame, what a lame message. Because I mean Margaret was fit right up there with the rest those guys you know you'd call margaret six months from now and ask her you know go ahead and share with us margret and she'd say hi my name is margrett and i'm an alcoholic and them that go to meetings stay sober and them don't don't and i'd go what up you know what why can't we hear somebody who just got out of jail or prison or something you know but man you know a million miracles you know that kind of stuff but you know little by little i gotta tell you a little by little that all changed and and uh what a gift what a gift you know cindy was talking about our our children and uh i had to run to the bathroom and i apologized profusely about that i had a you know just because you're an alcoholic synonymous doesn't mean that everything is always wonderful because about three years ago i had a little problem with cancer my plumbing has not been the same since And then after that, then I had a little problem with heart problems. And, you know, it's like, so you have health problems, you know. But it was so amazing when I had my surgery. I'm sitting in there in that hospital. And, I mean, it was just like a never-ending flow of guys and gals coming in. It's like this nurse goes, who are these people? Oh, they're just family members, you know, you know. And my dad was there, and he had the TV just blaring, you know. And I've got to tell you, I am not an alcoholic because of my dad or my mom. I am NOT. You know, my dad and my mom raised me as good as anybody could possibly be raised, and I just hated every minute of it, you now. You know somebody was talking about, I think you were talking about your car that you got. And I was thinking about, my dad bought me a Chevy Impala. And it was a good car. And I literally hated it. You know, it's like, I just couldn't stand it because it wasn't what I really, really wanted. You know? I didn't know what I Really Wanted. That's the way I usually live. But I knew it wasn' t that. You know. And then I, you know, eventually I wrecked it. And it's, like, that seems to be the way my whole life goes. I know when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, this is not what I really, really want. But I've got to tell you, it's more than I ever dreamed of. If you hear the old deal, if you sit down and you write a list out of all the things that you'd want, you just cheat yourself because we don't know. And what I love about being in AlcoholicsAnonymous is if you don't Know, you've got a chance of staying here. You've got an opportunity to survive in this thing. And not only that, but living a life beyond your wildest dreams. So I want to be in a position where I don't know. Because the minute we think we know, we don't know. The minute we thing we know we lock our minds up and we can't learn nothing. I can't be taught anything. I can' t be taught two and two is four. Because my mind takes me over. My secret weapon gets to working. And the next thing you know, my life takes a nose dive and I'm absolutely amazed at how much it's your fault. You know? But what happens is the longer I stay here and do what you guys ask me to do, I find out that if there's a problem in my life and it is not in here, I am screwed. But what the good news of Alcoholics Anonymous is is that's where the problem is. The problem lies with inside of me. And the tools that AA gives me are the tools for the good life. The tools that allow me to live life beyond my wildest dreams and the things that have happened to me in my sobriety is just absolutely mind-boggling to me. and it's all things I would have never dreamed of for instance being here tonight why would I want to come here and be with you folks tonight and the reason is really simply when I come here I see a whole lot of miracles you know Millie was right there's a tremendous amount of miracles we have 8 and then we have eight and I have heard stories and I just love the stories I hear everywhere I go in Alcoholics Anonymous and we not only eat physically but we eat spiritually and you feed me on a daily basis and I need to be fed what a blessing I thought my life was over and Cindy was telling you just a little while ago my daughter gave me some good news her and her husband they both got long term sobriety He's got, like, 17 years. She's got 13. And they're going to have a baby and I'm going to be a grandpa. And I never, I didn't even want to be a father until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. And then I got the feeling, I got feeling bad about not being a good father. And the nice thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is we have all kinds of opportunities to set those things straight. You bring me your kids and I try to treat them like they were my kids because you treated my kids like they were your kids. You know, you people taught me how to have a marriage. I've got to tell you a little story about Richard. I was having hell, just a heck of a time with my marriage with Cindy. You know? I'd been AA maybe six weeks, maybe two months. And she was going, you wasn't that bad. Why are you going to those stinking meetings? You know stay home. When am I going to get mine? When are you gonna start taking care of your children? And my sponsor Richard, I'd go tell him and he'd say, John, I gotta tell you something. he says your wife is really sick he says now don't tell her this and don't you Al-Anon jump out of your chairs after seeing that he says I'm going to tell you something she is an Al-Al-An and they are sicker than we are and he says I'll tell you why because you and I went through those years and we had a sedative but they did it stark, brave and sober and he said there it is but don't Teller so I jumped in the car ran all the way back to the ranch told her, said, here's what Richard said just thought I might want to he came to me early on in my sobriety and asked me, now tell me about your marriage well, I know he knows because he's been talking to Frank Frank's been talkin' to Cindy he's got all the dope and I said, well, i'm gettin' a divorce he says, now let me get this straight you're the one that's gettin' the divorce and I says, yeah, i've been to the lawyer spent lots of money already he says okay, you'll stop that right now I said, wait a minute, wait a minute. You don't understand. I'm married to a crazy woman. He says, oh, hell yeah. She's got to be plumb out of her stinking mind living with you for 14 years. She's gotta be crazy. But he says, right now, we got you grouped. There's only two of you. He said, if we turn you loose, there'll be four of you and there'll 16 and 36 in no time. He goes, you guys will multiply like rabbits. He's like, right, now we've got you confined. He say, you do not know how to have a relationship. He says you don't know how to have a relationship and what we're going to do since We don't make any drastic changes for a year. What we're going to do is we're going to work on having a relationship with her because she's there. She's handy. He says, and what you're going start doing? What you're going to start doing is you're going to treat her with kindness. You're going go up to her and you're going tell her tonight, you're going to tell her that you love her. Now, here it is. They're lying. They got me lying again, you know. And I try to bring that up to him. He told me to shut up. And he says, you are going to tell her that you love her, but he said, he says, you know you know, kind of you kind of got this down, but her and I both know you're a liar. So we know that you're lying. What you're going to do is you're gonna start showing her that you lover and boy my my ears because I hadn't been in the big bed for I don't know how long and he said no, no, that's not that's not what we're talking about. That's not what he says. He says what you're gonna do is you're Gonna go home and you're Going to pick up after yourself. You're going to wash the dishes. You're gonna take out the garbage. You're Gonna pick up in the bathroom with the towels and stuff and hang them up. He says, you're gonna start doing that stuff. You're Going to start showing her that you love her because you don't know how to do that. And I said, I don't think I want to do that, you know? And he says, all right. He says. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm Going to give you a carrot. If you do it, and you do It right, because she's an Al-Anon, it'll drive her crazy. Okay, I'll try it. And he was right. He was right! It was... You know, I'd go home and I'd... Hi, Cindy, I love you. You know... I'd come home one night and she'd been thinking about it and she says, you know what? You're a dirty, rotten SOB and she had a little list and says, and here's why. Well, I've been doing my inventory and I go, well, now wait a minute. You left out a few things here. And you can just see it. She just twisted her jaw. Yes, yes, yes. But I've got to tell you, if I'd have killed her, I'd Have Killed the Wrong Person. If I'd had shot myself, I would have shot the wrong person. You know, I love her dearly. And it's because of you people in rooms like this. It's because Of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's Because of Al-Anon. And it's because of strong sponsorship. It was the cause of the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the gift. And day after day, I was refusing it. So if you're here tonight and you think that you're being cool and cocky because you're unwilling to do what they're asking you to do, I got really, really great news for you. Knock it off. Give yourself a break and maybe for the first time in your life, listen to somebody else because we don't know we simply don't know what a gift if we're allowed I really appreciate you guys asking me to be here I really appreciate you asking me to be here with Cindy because it's fun to do this stuff together I've had a great time I hope you have and if you're new tonight I'm going to tell you something that's probably going to sound a little stupid but here's the deal I don't want you to miss it. Them that go to meetings stay sober, and them that don't, don't.