I Got Married Twice in Two Weeks to Two Different People and Called It Sober Dating 😂 – Mike R.

Mike Riley, alcoholic. Hi, Mike. It's good to be here and to be sober. It's good to be sober anywhere today. I was hoping we were going to have this meeting about 7 o'clock because there was about three of us here. We had to have big book study, you know, my favorite thing. I was thinking, trying to think of something profound, you know, that I could say about this deal and I was thinking about the sale group. I've sat in a lot of meetings in that group, a lot of meetings. I have them where they're located now. I sat in the old house and I heard a lot of meetings about solutions. It was one of the first clubs I went to with my sponsor when I got sober. And I was thinking, I was thinking about the sale group. I was thinking about the sale group. I can remember I had a new car. Matter of fact, I had a new Lincoln. And my sponsor only chose guys to sponsor that had vehicles running because you had to run his ass all over. And that's the way it was. And that's the way it started for me. And I know we pulled up to the sale group and I got out of the car and I started weeping, you know. I said, my car's not going to be here when we walk out of this meeting. And you know what? Over the years I can say that, you know, my car's always been there, you know. But it was important to me at that time, you know. And I would like to say that that was the beginning of a journey. For me, I have a disease and I don't know if anybody can relate, but I've found over the years that people seem to. And I'm pretty self-obsessed. You know, I'm pretty much into Mike and how I look and how I feel. And I'd like to say that's changed. And maybe I just don't think as much of myself as I used to. But I have a wife that's been in this program for quite a few years. As a matter of fact, Dorothy was my wife's sponsor. And it's kind of unfortunate. But, you know. Becky didn't get to come up with me this weekend because she could have kept Dorothy busy. The Paseo Group and their anniversary, the only thing I've ever seen was people talking about solutions at the Paseo Group. So I don't have to say a lot about it except a lot of people got sober there. A lot of people are still getting sober there. They have never been sober. Yeah. They have never told me what I wanted to hear. What they've done is they've shown me how to live. And when I got to you people, I was dying. My journey started long before I ever took a drink. This self-obsession and before I even know what the word was about being selfish and self-centered. Long, long before I ever took a drink. I have a disease that I can remember. And things rang a bell last night when I was sitting here and I was listening to our speakers and I said, my God, you know, you're talking about my story. And it's kind of amazing when we get here, I can't identify with anybody. And today there isn't anybody I can't identify with. So I have all those things. But I can remember maybe six years old and my folks going to where I grew up and no wonder, I was an alcoholic. I grew up in Las Vegas, Nevada. So that's my hometown and that was one of the first excuses I used to get here. No wonder I'm an alcoholic. Then the rest of them, the ex-wives and a lot of other things that I used to get to this deal and to blame if you people only understood me. So I'm sitting there. I'm six years old. I'm a little bit older. I'm six years old. And back then it was a small town. People were together and they had parties. The grownups would have parties and all the kids would go up the stairs or sit on the stairs and watch them in the other room dancing and having a few drinks. I never saw anybody get knocked on their ass or something wrong with it. These people didn't party quite the way I did later on. But they seemed to have fun. And I can remember. I was fun in there. It wasn't fun upstairs with the other kids. So I would go downstairs and I would get in the middle of them and I would make drinks. I wasn't drinking that I know of. I might have. I don't know at that time. But I had to be the center of attention. I wasn't having fun where I could be up there with the rest of the kids because I didn't fit in up there with them. And I know we talk about not fitting in. We talk about there was something missing. I didn't realize this was a soul sickness. And if you would have told me that. Not even that many years ago. I would have said I didn't know what you were talking about. I really didn't. But I'd go down there and I'd be around those adults and I was cute. And I was the center of attention. And I felt different. I felt different. At about nine years old. I was on TV for two years. In Vegas. On a show there in the morning. And I don't know how this deal came out. It just kind of worked out that way. And I knew that was going to make me feel better. Because I'm the youngest of three. There's 20 years difference between my brother and my sister and I. And so I grew up by myself more or less. And my dog named Pup. I had a big dog. And I grew up with my brother. And I grew up with my sister. And I grew up with my brother. And I didn't have a lot of friends because we lived out in the desert. Which I know that's hard to believe when you live in Vegas. But it's where I lived. And so I kind of stayed out there by myself. These little things came up over the years that I knew was going to make me feel different. And doing that TV show for a couple years. It seemed like I got some notoriety. It seemed like I got my name out there. It seemed like I got my family. and I felt good about myself for maybe a few minutes. I can remember that feeling like I'm somebody, and it's always been important that I'm somebody, but at the same time, I don't want to be anybody, right? You know, I got this bundle-up thing in here, and I don't know what it is, and this has happened before I've ever taken a drink. At 14 years old, I went into my first nut house. For a nervous condition. I know nobody's ever had a nervous condition in their life. I never had a drinking or a drug problem, but I had a nervous condition. I had a hell of a nervous condition for a lot of years. But it started when I was 14 years old, and it was, I think I'd sipped a little whiskey by then, and we always used it. My father was a rancher, too, so we had a ranch in Colorado besides living in Vegas. He was a contractor there. And this is my stepfather by this time. Because my father died in 1958 when I was... Matter of fact, I was 8 years old when he died. That was another reason I was an alcoholic, you know? So, uh... My stepfather would fix us a hot toddy when we'd get sick. And something miraculous. We could take that stuff with the honey in it, and he always put a drop of turpentine. It doesn't have to make any sense, but it worked. And we could drink it, and he'd put a bunch of blankets on us. Next morning, you'd get up and feel like a million dollars. There's some magic here, guys. Now, that's stored up here because I have a thinker. I've always had a thinker. I'm always figuring, you know? I don't want to do anything, but I'm going to do a lot of figuring, you know? Because y'all owe me. Even back then, you owe me. I don't know what you owe me. I didn't grow up in an environment where I had anybody that said, Hey, Mike, we owe you this. You know, because you've had such a tough life already. I didn't grow up in an environment like that. I grew up with some positive people. I grew up with some people that were loving. I grew up with some people that really cared. And what I did was I reached in, and I grabbed their souls, and I tore it apart. And that's what I've done with everybody in my life. I hear in here many times, we hear people say that I was a... I was a functioning alcoholic. Yeah, I was a functioning alcoholic. I managed to destroy everybody I came in touch with, whether I knew you or not. I didn't have to know you for a length of time. I'm going to use you, and I'm going to abuse you. And I'm going to do it because I'm going to feel different from doing that. I didn't know necessarily that I wasn't going to feel better, but I thought I would. I'm looking on this journey for something to make me feel different, make me feel better. And maybe I got that 15 seconds, or I got that 30 seconds, or whatever kind of gratification I got over that time. I would get some kind of feeling out of it. And maybe it relieved that feeling inside. That turmoil, I'm wondering why I'm different. You know? So at 14, I... There was a guy, an older guy that lived down the street from me in Vegas. And he worked out... He got on the strip. And he asked me one day, he said, Mike, would you like to try something? And I said, sure. And he gave me something called heroin. And... There's no use screwing around. If you can do it, do the best first and work your way down, you know? And I did. And something happened that day. I felt different. The magic was there. And... I didn't know anything was going to make me feel different. I really didn't. Right then is when I also found alcohol. I would say to it where I was abusing it already. And I found wine. You know? I drank good wine. It was Thunderbird. And it was... Back then it was a dollar and a quarter gallon. So... I think now it's three or four dollars. I'm not for sure. But I know it's... I know I'm sure it's the same. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It's a lot higher than it used to be. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It's a lot higher than it used to be. And... And later on when I lived in San Diego when I'm hitchhiking all over the country looking for this perfect place. I used to buy a... I used to go sit in the park in San Diego with a... With a wine oven and I would go and... Because I'm a high roller, you know? I'm out on the street panhandling. And I would get three dollars and twenty five cents and I would get a gallon of wine. And I would sit down there with all those poor old guys down there in the park and drink wine. we would discuss the problems of the world. As a matter of fact, it's kind of like it's going right now, except we thought it was going real smooth when we were figuring it out. You know, it's a little unpredictable. So at 14, 14 1⁄2 years old, I went into my first, it was a private hospital, because I wasn't going into any state institutions because I'm a little better than that. So I went into this hospital, and I lied to them, and those people, even back then, really truly wanted to help me. They truly did. I lied to them, and I conned, and I did whatever I had to do to get out of there. But yet I wanted to be there at the same time. I followed that same deal for several years. I went in and out of hospitals for a nervous condition. As a matter of fact, I carried that on up until I got to this program. I never once ever mentioned that I drank. I never once mentioned that I used anything. And I'm a person that whatever it was, you know, somebody handed it to you, you just swallow it. And then afterwards, they kind of looked and said, you probably shouldn't have done that. You know, I never was one of those people who said, well, what's going to happen now? You know, it's like the first time they gave me peppermint snobs. They said, try this. And so I tried it, and I thought, this is some nasty shit. I've got to get back on some real whiskey here. I said, I can't drink that stuff. That's going to kill you. But I could justify and rationalize everything. But I found, for me, I was not a beer drinker either. I couldn't drink enough beer, it didn't seem like. I just got bloated. You know, and it seemed like a waste of time. I liked my whiskey. I really did. I like to get downtown, and I want to get downtown now. I don't have time to mess around. I've got a lot on my mind, and I've got a lot going on here. And besides that, I'm real busy. You know, and when you're busy, you've got a lot of things to do. So at about 16 years old, I take off, and I'm hitchhiking up Highway 1 to San Francisco. And I end up in Haight-Ashbury. And I'm living on the streets of Haight-Ashbury. And I find a place where I fit in. And I find some peace. And I find a lot of things that I never had before. I find women. I find, it was a great time. And I used and I abused everything I came in contact with. What I found years later in this program is I've virtually looked all over the world for a perfect utopia. A perfect place where I'm going to fit in. Where Mike's going to be comfortable. You know, I didn't realize and I didn't know. You know, you hear today the cliches, and they're real simple for us to say to somebody that's new in the program. You know, it'd be fine if you weren't taking yourself with you. Well, that wouldn't have made any sense with me. It didn't make any sense the first time I heard it from you people. I said, what the hell is that? You know, that's ridiculous. But today I know that to be true. Every place I went, the communes, whatever it was that I did for Mike to feel different would work for that 15 minutes. And then what I did to grasp onto whatever it was, I would grab another soul and I'd rip your guts out. And I'd take it with me and I'd go on down the road. I'm a person that everybody I came in contact with, whether it was for 15 seconds or 15 years, I destroyed their life. If I could, I did. I didn't know it. It was the only way I knew. It's not because I grew up in a community. I grew up that way, like I said. I didn't grow up in a family that said to be selfish. I didn't grow up in a family that said it was necessary for me to have money, property, and prestige to be successful. I didn't grow up that way. I saw it around me, but I didn't grow up that way. But I knew that was going to make a difference. For some odd reason, I managed on my own. Because I'd been on my own since I was 12. I was 14 when my stepfather finally got tired of my crap and he said, Mike, if you walk out that door, don't come back. He said, we don't need you in our lives. By that time, I'd already devastated their lives. He said, we love you, but we can't do anything for you. I'm willing to do anything in the world if you're willing to meet me halfway or do anything I could. And I wasn't. I wasn't. Because you owe me. And I don't know why you owe me. You owe me. And I managed to go on to school, and I managed to go to college. And I went to college at Berkeley. And I went to school. Matter of fact, I got into Berkeley when I was 16 years old. I wasn't even quite 17. And I had teachers like a man by the name of Timothy Lillard. Some of you might know who he is. The rest of you won't have a clue who I'm talking about. And he was one of my teachers. And at that time, there was a thing that came out called ACID or LSD. And so I did real well while I was in college because nobody was straight. And when you weren't drinking wine, you were doing something else. And even the professors, everybody was whacked out, so it didn't matter. I don't know what we got in education. But I was a good teacher. I didn't get into education. But we learned a lot about love and peace and whatever at that period of time. And I managed to get through that deal for some reason. And I'm not skipping a lot intentionally, but there's a lot of years I have no clue to this day what I did. Years, years. And even later on. So I left San Francisco and I'm going down Highway 1. I'm going to Newport Pop Festival. 1968, maybe. 69. And I'm down at this festival. And afterwards, I decide I'm going down to San Diego. And I've been down to San Diego a couple times. And I, you know, because I'm looking for this job. I'm looking for this geographical cure already. You know, hitchhiking up and down the highway and across the country. And I'm looking all over. Even in Europe, I've hitchhiked by then. Looking for this perfect place. And I find those glimpses. And I got down. I was going down Highway 1. A guy picked me up. And he, for some reason, I was at this concert. Somebody gave me a dagger. Now, I don't know what the hell I was doing with a dagger. But I had a dagger. And I have, you know, I have hair down to my ass. And I'm, I'm, love and peace and all this. And this guy picks me up. And he sees that dagger. And he says, I'll trade you that for this. And I said, well, great. So I took this. And he got the dagger. And I ended up in Oklahoma City three days later. And I said, well, I'm going to do this. And he said, well, I'm going to do this. And I said, well, I'm going to do this. And I said, well, I'm going to do this. And he got a dagger. And I thought, wow. I'm going to do this. And he said, well, I'm going to do this. And I said, well, I'm going to do this. And he just picked me up. And I was going down the street with an eagle feather in my hair walking down the street. Now, that's not a good time to be walking down the streets of Oklahoma City. It really isn't. Because, you know, all these old boys are driving by. And they're four-wheel drives honking their horn and saying, hey, honey. And I finally found out where I was. And I didn't know my brother lived back there then. But he did. for about three days. And I decided, well, I need to do something different. I need to do something to better my life. I need to straighten up a little bit by now. So I went down and I joined the military. Because it's going to be different. Before I know it, I'm on a bus, I guess. And they had me somewhere in Louisiana. I found out it was Fort Polk, Louisiana. And if you've never been there, I hope you never have to go. Great place to visit. Wouldn't want to live there. But before I was put into basic, I was there for two or three days where they cut your hair and they do all the things they do and a little indoctrination. And there was this gentleman there that came up and spoke to me. He said, I have hair down to my ass and I got an eagle feather in my hair and I'm in the military. And I'm sitting there on this bench and I'm sitting there by myself. I'm sure there's a bunch of other guys there, but I'm sitting there by myself. And this guy stands up there and he has this little beret on his head and he starts talking and I just knew that was the greatest thing in the world. That's what I was doing. And I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there. And he said, I'm not doing it. That's what I need to do. And so that afternoon I went and took a test for Special Forces Green Beret. And I don't know if what I did on that test, I thought I drew flowers on it. Hell, I don't know. But they say I passed it with flying colors. So I'm on my way. And I'm not going to go into a lot of that. But through that I ended up in the military. I was well trained for what they wanted me to do. I ended up in Vietnam, and I came back. I spent a little more time over there and came back. I've been blown up and shot up and everything else. It was going to be different. It's going to be different now because I think different. And while I was in the military and while I was over there, I had some responsibility. And this is the only time I was thinking about this last night when I was sitting here. People say they stop for different lengths of periods of time not drinking. I don't ever remember doing that, but that was the one time I did when I was in the military while I was over in Vietnam because I had some responsibility and I had some people under me. And I felt, I guess, for the first time, that maybe I was going to try to get these guys back, like I had something to do with it. So I guess I cut back on my drinking. That doesn't mean I wasn't loaded all the time or at different times or any time I had the opportunity when I wasn't in the jungle that I wasn't drunk, because I was. When I was in base camp, I was drinking. I was drinking. And I can remember. And one thing I identified with you people when I got here was that fear. But it was a different type of fear. I didn't know my whole life was full of fear. But that fear that I'd felt over there, I could identify with. And the adrenaline and the things you go through. And I get back here and I'm not appreciated, you know. I had a family that was supportive and I was around people that were supportive, but I didn't know what to do. And I didn't know what to do. And they didn't understand me. And you people didn't understand me. And you really didn't care. You really didn't. So I'll take another drink. I was drinking, I'm sure, by then daily. And I don't know if that's so important, because it doesn't matter how much I drank or what I drank or what I ingested. It really truly doesn't matter. But what matters is nothing's changed. And my soul is getting sicker and sicker and sicker. And deep down inside, there's nothing to fix us anymore. I got to you people in 1977. Two men showed up at my house and I lived out here in Independence. I had a lot of friends. One of them was to be my sponsor until he died. Tom Oliver was his name. Tom went all over. He loved AA. Old man from Kentucky. I'd never been around hillbillies in my life, so I thought, what the hell is this old guy going to teach me, right? I was thinking when I was driving into town, Right down the road here is a group called Grassroots. I went to my first speaker meeting there with my sponsor. I was seven days sober. And we walked into this group, and there was a guy there that was going to have the speaker meeting. His name was Bud H. He's still alive. He lives over in Kansas. So I'm sitting up there on this stage, much like this, with two other gentlemen and myself, and they got me sitting in between them. Now, they still at that time were pouring me about as much coffee as I got here, about a half a cup, because I might be safe, but most likely it won't be. It'll still be all over me. But they got me sitting in between them, and I didn't understand that other than I looked down there, and this whole room was full of people. And I thought, this seems kind of odd. Maybe I'm sitting in the wrong place. And they said, no, you're doing just fine. Bud got up and introduced me. And I got up, and I said, it was probably the most honest talk I've ever given. I said I was Mike Riley, and I was an alcoholic. And I didn't know if I was glad to be there. And I sat back down. And that was the most honesty that ever came out of my mouth in many years. I said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where I got sober is no longer open. It was over in Kansas City, Kansas. It was my sponsor's home group. It was a place called the Shrine on the Hill. We had a three-day detox. You laid in a cot in that back room. First time, they were still using salt water. And you drank salt water. They tapered you off the first night on a shot of whiskey every two hours. So you could at least stay in your skin. And then they put you on salt water with it. And I learned to live in a bathroom there for a couple days. But they had me eating solid food, which is something I hadn't ate in many years. Within that three days, you were there. Excuse me. And when you got out of there, they told you the solution was back there. And there was a hall that's much like this hall out here, that mile-long hall that you're going to have to walk down. And the double doors on the end. And they said the solution was down there. Now, while I was laying in that bed, there was a guy sitting next to me in a chair around the clock there. And he was reading out of a book. And he said, from the time I got there until I left, somebody was always sitting there. For the guys that couldn't pay to go through treatment, that's how they worked their way through. I'd like to say that was it. And ever since then, it was in for me. And I found the solution. And life was wonderful. And that's not true. But what I did is that, it was a beginning. Ever so slight, but a beginning. And I stuck around for about nine months. And then I found my solution. I never had a slip. I don't know anything about slips. I really don't. To this day, I don't know anything about slips. I do know about going out and getting drunk. I know about setting myself up. And I know about getting drunk. I know how to do that. You know, the only thing I ever slipped on was a wet floor. It's the only thing I ever slipped on. I came back again, and I was around here for about a year and a half. I was involved in service. I was a GSR at that time. Because I know these things are going to make me feel better. But if you don't hear anything else, listen to it. And, you know, I'm speaking to the choir here now, because most of you have been around here for a period of time. And I know you know this, but I'm feeling better because I'm not drinking. I'm eating. I'm eating food. I have a roof over my head. And things are going better. So I'm not quite as bad as you guys, so maybe I don't need to worry about the steps right now. I have a lot of things going on. I'm busy here. Besides that, I'm a GSR, and I'm going to meetings every night. And my sponsor's taking me all over. And I have all these profound things to tell people, you know. That went on, and a year and a half later, I took another sabbatical. I chose to drink. And what had happened that time was my sponsor came and got me out of a bathtub with a fifth vodka, and I couldn't get up. I couldn't get out of that tub. And I guess my girlfriend or whoever, she went to a bar and she said, whoever I was at the time, whoever I was using at the time, called him. And they carried me into the shrine that time. And they put me in that bed. By that time, for a three-day detox, it had went up quite a bit. When I first went in, it was $25 for your three-day detox. And when I went in this last time, it was $35. So they had raised it quite drastically. And all this time, I'm thinking, I don't have a problem, and I'm a high roller, you know. I'm living in the gutter, and I'm different. Living in the gutter, and I have. I've lived in those boxes, and I've lived in those alleys, and everything was okay, you know. Something happened that time, and it was different. And I went in the back room, and I started on a journey. And the same journey I'm still on to this day. We talk about the grace of God. If you don't know what that is, it's the reason you're sitting here today, you know, if you're new. And I didn't know that God brought me to this deal. If you don't like the word God, that's fine. You know, I... Same thing I tell my home group. I'm kind of an ass about it, but I just say, that's okay. You don't have to like God. I said, when I got here, I used everything from a wall furnace to a doorknob. And you people still allowed me to sit in these rooms, because I'm still playing these silly-ass games that I know how to play. Because I'm pretty intellectual. I'm a thinker. I'm figuring it out. And I'm still figuring it out. And I'm going to meetings every day. My first five years, I missed one meeting. And that was because I had a sponsor that would say, okay, I'll be by to pick you up. Or you pick me up tonight, when I had a vehicle again. But I can remember, I'm married. And I haven't told you up to this time, but a lot of people had hobbies. I have... Restoring cars or whatever you did. They were collected things. And I used to get married. I used to get married a lot. I mean, a lot. I used to take pride in thinking that I had a lawyer on retainer in Las Vegas, because he would... One time I got married twice in two weeks. Two different people. And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... But it was a hobby. I took a lot of hostages. And the ones that did marry me, I'm sure I asked them. I mean, we'd been together at least two days. And I don't know if they knew my name, but I probably didn't know theirs. But it was a good way for me to find out my next wife's name. It really was. I did that a lot. I did that a lot. Four years sober, I'm stark raving sober. I'm going to meetings every day. I'm working with others. I'm involved in service. Matter of fact, I was the archivist of the state of Kansas. I loved it. I was looking back there, and there was a picture of George Van Dyke. And George and I went and spent time at Stepping Stones with Lois. I got to spend four days at the house with Nell Wing. A dear friend of mine had passed away this last year. A lady I had a love affair with. In this program. Her and Bob got me involved in the archives. My sponsor was a lover of history. And he loved the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was sitting and listening to him. For hours. And we'd share and we'd read. And my sponsor believed in the textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous. But he also believed that if you won this deal, you had to ask for it. He wasn't going to hand it to you. He wasn't going to force it to you. Force it down you or anything else. And a lot of people say, today I see. I was sitting in a meeting in Little Rock. About six months ago. And I walked in this meeting. And this room is full of young people. And I thought, neat. I would listen to them as they went around the room. A lot of them were in six months of sobriety. I mean, a ton of them were. In their first year, all of them have already done their fourth step. I'm saying, what the hell am I doing here? I did my fourth step when I was four years sober. And I'm up against a wall. And I'm feeling pain like I've never felt before. I'm feeling pain like I've never felt before. And I found out what an inventory was. And I found out it was about Mike looking at Mike. And in that inventory, I started to find out about how selfish I am. How self-centered I am. And that's truly when it started for me. At seven years sober, I went through another divorce. Because nothing's changed, guys. Nothing's changed. At five years, I was divorced. But what had happened in that period of time was I found something that I'd never known before. I cared about another human being a little bit. I've never done that before. Not in any relationship or anything else. And I wanted. I wanted to. I would do things, you know, and I had to look back and I had to look at these things. And I would do things for people. But there was a motive to make Mike look good. I just didn't do it unconditionally. I didn't know that. I had to learn that from you people. Everything that I've learned positive in my life, I've had to learn from you people. Seven years sober. Seven years sober. I've been out of a room. I've been out of a relationship. And that marriage, the divorce was finalized, but I hadn't been in a relationship for five years. The divorce was finalized, but I hadn't been in with that woman for a long, long time. And my sponsor told me, and I know we've heard it in these rooms, he said, we say that your first year, you shouldn't get in a relationship. He says, we don't know how it works because nobody's ever listened. But you shouldn't your first year. But he said, in your case. He said, we're going to say a sick bastard like you five years. And guess what? It was. My fifth year. And I've got to tell you this because you're talking about being childlike. I hope. I hope that I'm always that way. I called my sponsor. I'm down in Eureka Springs, Arkansas at a convention. I called my sponsor and I said, I met a young lady down here and I want to go on a date. And Tom says, okay. I said, what do I do? I don't know how to date. I know how to use and I know how to take, but I don't know how to date. And Tom tells me, he says, okay, you're going to go buy some flowers. Candy is optional. And you can take her to dinner after you go to a meeting. Because you can go to a meeting, go to dinner. You can go to a movie or go dancing a little bit afterwards. And then you're going to take her home. And then you're going to go home. He was okay until the last part. I didn't much like that. I did it. I did it. I got back to my room down there in Eureka. And so, for me, I kind of, you know, he said, it didn't work out. So, I call my dad and I call him and I tell you for the record, I said things that I would never ever say for aENT. I never said, listen, I've never been the one on the phone that was the guy that had the issue of making a mistake. I made a mistake and I was like, I call Tom. And so I called my dad and I talked to that man a little bit. I said, listen, we should have something to eat. We just forgot Kyle played tire and I could do nothing, but my dad has this all you look at yourself you call out of bed and no ease. He unsafe. And I would go fast, fast, fast, fast. What you know, Shit. I would dough dogs and go, okay. Well, right. He truly cared about how you felt. And I told him, you know, we did, and I said, the only thing I didn't really like was having to come back to my room. He said, well, you aren't going to like this. Get in your car and come back to Kansas City. I'll see you on my front porch in the morning. So I pack up my stuff, and I throw it in my car, and at 6.30, I'm sitting on the front porch of my sponsor's house, and he comes out and hands me a cup of coffee. And he says, maybe you're ready to start this journey. And I was. I would like to say that from that day on, I followed the steps and the solutions, the 12 solutions, Alcoholics Anonymous, but no, I didn't. I didn't. But what I did was I met a lot more people in this program. I got a lot more involved. I was better in service. Maybe I wasn't using people as much as I used to. And I learned something that I use today, and I'm not very good at it. My sponsor said, this week, I want you to do something for somebody, and I don't want you to let them know. That very next day, I did. I went out and did something, and that night when Tom, when I went and picked up Tom, I said, Tom, guess what? He said, what? He said, I did this and this and this for them. And he said, it doesn't count. He told me. I said, oh shit, I don't know the rules again. I thought you guys were changing the rules on me all the time. You never change the rules on me. Rules never changed, you know. But it's different, you know, because I'm figuring it out still. I'm still figuring it. I'm doing this deal. I don't know, I'm self-obsessed. But I started learning that on this journey, and this is where I started learning it. And I found out I could do a few little things. And it was tough for me, guys. I don't know how it is, you know, today, I guess I don't think about it today. It's automatic. You do these things. And it's not because I'm a wonderful guy. I do them because I want to live different. Everything I do in my life, I do today because, and I have a motive. I have a motive. I have a life better than anything I've ever known. When I say this, the people who have been around here any length of time know what I'm talking about. I have never put anything more intoxicating in my body than alcoholics, not even. Never. So at seven years sober, my wife was in the program. And she moves up here with me. And she gets a sponsor. I'm grateful she did, except she got a real sick sponsor. Dorothy was their sponsor, still is their sponsor, matter of fact. And Dorothy's husband, Bill, was going to marry us. And they came up with this. with this idea that before you get married, you're going to have to do an inventory on this relationship. I've never heard something so ridiculous in my whole damn life. Dorothy has Becky doing an inventory, and I'm going to my sponsor and telling him this, and Bill says, I'm not marrying you, not unless you do an inventory on your relationship. I found the value of an inventory. Not in the inventory I did. It was my sponsor the first time. But in looking in this deal. From that moment on, I found the power of an inventory. I found the power of doing an inventory on a nightly deal. I found the power of writing, pen in hand, paper. I have a tablet no matter where I go. This is what I do every night. It's your fault. I didn't have a damn thing to do with it. It's your fault. I have a tablet that lays there. I write in it every night. And it's not all bad, guys. At one time, it was all poison. And I take my inventory for a change. From nearing this journey to where I'm at today, it's all gone. I've been a victim of a lot of pain. I've been a victim of a lot of pain. I've been a victim of a lot of pain. I've been a victim of a lot of pain. Last night it was mentioned, 19 years sober. 18 or 19 years sober. Pain. I'm not going to tell you it's all been good, guys, because it hasn't. I'm still growing in this deal and I'm still learning. At 19 years sober, I'm dying. I'm sitting around the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm absolutely dying. And I'm so full of Mike that nothing's working. Nothing's working. And I have to go back to this book. And I'm sitting there with my third sponsor now. I've killed two of them. I outlasted two of them and I'm on my third one now. My sponsor today is a man who has some peace in his life and he's been sober for 10 years. And he had something I wanted. My last sponsor just died a couple years ago with 50 years. And here's another Tommy down there in Eureka Springs where I live today. And he told me about a month and a half before he died, he said, I want you to look for another sponsor. And I always listened to him. I don't like what he said, but I listened to him. I said, okay. And I got another sponsor. But it was kind of interesting. When I asked Butch to be my sponsor, he said, well, at the time I think I had 24, 25 years. And he said, I can't be your sponsor. I've only been here three years. And I said, yeah, you can. I want you to pray about it. So three weeks later he wouldn't give me an answer. So I just volunteered him as my sponsor. And he's been my sponsor ever since. I have to have somebody that knows all my shit. I have to have somebody that can look me right in the eye and say, Mike, you're full of shit one more time. You know, the pain you're feeling is self-imposed. You people have never put any pain on me. The God of my understanding has never put any pain on me. The God of my understanding, the way I grew up, never showed me prejudice against anyone. And when I got to you people, I hated everyone. Equal opportunity disease. I hated everyone. I hated all of you. I hated everyone. Today I understand. And I didn't understand when I would hear that first old hillbilly tell me, you don't have to like everybody, but you have to love everybody because they're all children of God. Now I'm a person that takes kids, all of us kids, and I use and abuse them. And now you want me to love everyone. Now I don't know how to love you. I don't. You people have shown me that. most of the time you've shown me that has been through pain what you've given me though is a program that gives me the solution before I have a problem you've given me a program that has a solution for 90% of my problem but what I'm going to do most likely is I'm going to feel some pain the difference is today that I might feel that pain for a few hours instead of a few days, a few weeks, a few months or even years I don't have to feel that anymore if I'm uncomfortable and it's your fault I'd like to take credit for all this but it's your fault if I'm feeling pain then I want change now and I'm not looking for instant gratification what I'm looking for is that real deal that real deal that real deal that when I woke up this morning and I hit my knees before I had a brain attack and asked God if I could stay out of the way that's what it would be that's too simple for somebody like me that's too simple for somebody like me February 14th, 1980 was my last drink to this day a journey is still going on and it's because of you people and the simple things that you've given me you know how you doing Joe? good to see you my wife and I have been married it's not a big deal for you guys because you I'm not a big deal for you guys I mean I know a lot of people been in there 30-40 years you know I don't know anything about that I know about 15 days we've been married 20 years this last year and just before our next springtime in the Ozarks will be 21 years in spite of us in spite of us guys I've been married forever I don't know how many times been married forever everything I've done I'm gonna do for my life forever it's gonna be perfect it's gonna be right this time we already did all that Michael you just gotta be running the show so I've always done everything forever and it's never worked I've been married now for over 20 years a day at a time and that's the way my wife and I look at it we do some things that I've never done before in my life when I get home from here we'll sit down and we'll share each other what we've done for the last few days we'll look at each other's eyes and I'll hear the same thing I told her when I left same thing I've told the people that I was pregnant with I've told them that I love them I've told them that I love them and it's all right we'll have to deal with it we'll have to deal with it same thing I've told the people we've done for the last few days sponsor before I left. Same thing I told my own group before I left, and that's that I love you. But for the grace of God and you people of Alcoholics Anonymous, I could have missed it all. Thank you.