I Don’t Want to Baffle Anybody but This Is a Big Book 🤣 – Jim H.

We're going to introduce our speaker for this evening, and that is Jim H. from the Traditional Group. That's good. I'm Jim Hamilton, Recovered Alcoholic. Thank you. Sure sounded like a good idea four months ago, huh? Actually, it's always a good idea to get back to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was just a person with a lot of problems when I came to AlcoholicsAnonymous. They had no solution and you guys showed me how to live my life one day at a time. And I'm forever grateful for that. I'm a little hoarse already from talking to all of you because there's so many people in this room that have walked the journey with me and I love you guys so much and thank you for being here and Mark, thank you so much for allowing me to come here and share my experience, strength and hope and primary purpose group my first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous my first job when I came home from college was at the Continental Trailway Station on 12th and Ice Street and I began there in 1979 or it was 1973 and I left in 1979 and my introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous is I went up to one of their meetings and stole some of their brochures to mail it to my roommate. Because he had a drinking problem, and you know, the fact is that he never made it to Alcoholic Synonymous, and I did. And he's had a pretty miserable life, and I've had a happy, joyous, and free life, thanks to Alcoholical Synonymous. You know, and Tamara, welcome here with seven days, and all you people that are new here, welcome her. And you people who have been here for a while, thank you for staying. absolutely thank you for staying and uh i uh you know it's a privilege to to be able to share recovery on the first day of a new year and it really is about staying sober the rest of the year and that's the deal you know we talk about a day at a time and we talk about you know if we have a spiritual maintenance you know daily reprieve based on spiritual maintenance but the deal is to stay sober the rest of the year that's i didn't come here to drink a day at a time and and to get sober a day at time and drink a Day at a Time and be sober a Day At a Time i came here because i had a problem with alcohol and i wanted to stop and i couldn't and and so it just it's so awesome to be here on january 1st and then i want to stay sober the rest of year and i'm going to you know that's the deal and you know from my very first meeting when i went to Alcoholics Anonymous my first home group was NORSAC and I and I went in there bikers bimbos and boozers is what my first sponsor used to say and and the message I really got from them right away was this was about not drinking the rest of my life that's what I heard I absolutely heard that it's not what I wanted to hear but it's what i heard because I went to my first meeting two-and-a-half years sober and I thought somehow some way you guys were going to be able to tell me how I could drink like a gentleman you know I knew that alcohol was kicking my butt but I was still hoping and I was hoping somehow that you guys had the answer but that was not what I was hearing I was here that this really was about a commitment about not drinking the rest of my life I got that absolutely you know so I actually went to my first meeting in January of 1987 but as you know that's not my sobriety date my sobrietty date is 4th of July 1984 because your alcoholics I know what you're thinking Jim how was that working for you well not too well I'm here you know I showed up here because I was miserable absolutely miserable I was having trouble with personal relationships I couldn't control my emotional nature I was having trouble with personal relationship I was prey to misery and depression I couldn't I couldn't handle personal relationships I was full of fear I was helpless absolutely hopeless and full of fear. And I was having trouble with personal relationships. You got that, right? And I couldn't seem to be of any real help to anybody. You know, so I came in here out of desperation, absolutely out of desperation. Because I knew I was going to drink again if I didn't do something. You know and thank God you guys had some kind of answer for me when I got here. And, you know, the big book says we're going to talk about God and I'm going to talk about god. And I'm gonna talk about go in the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous because that is what took the obsession to drink away. Sitting in meetings didn't take the obsession away. My sponsor did not take the obssession away. You know, being of service didn't takethe obsession away, the 12 steps and god took the obsesion to drinkaway from me. And what a gift that has been. If I get nothing else out of recovery, I got the obsession is gone and that's a gift and that that that you know that gift is i couldn't pay enough for that gift and uh doesn't mean i don't think about drinking once in a while because i have over the years but the obsession's gone i'm one of those kind of people that you don't like drinking has never been an option for me i'm unof those people that wants to manage their life with suicide that's what i do you know 10 years sober because i wasn't willing to do the deal i was suicidal you know you know alcohol Alcoholism was kicking my butt, not the liquor. Alcoholism is kicking my but. We just had a lady at my home group eight years sober, it wasn't her home group, she used to visit us there on certain nights, committed suicide not too long ago, eight years sober. Booze didn't kill her, alcoholism killed her. And that's why I'm here in Alcoholics Anonymous today because I'm not afraid of drinking today, I'm afraid of dying. And I'm going to read a couple things out of the big book because that's what I do because the book really speaks better than I do. And they really talk about a little bit of the reason why I'm here tonight, why I would come out here and speak in front of tons of people, and I'm antisocial by nature. I just am, you know? I don't like crowds. I don'T go to speaker meetings. Don't go to speakers' meetings or conferences because people scare me, you now? That's the truth. I've gotten better over time, but I'm still antisoical by nature, So the reason why I would be here is, one of the reasons I'm here is because it's on page 33 where it says we have seen the truth demonstrated again and again. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. I have conceded to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic and I'm not going to be able to drink again. That was my first step in recovery. I'm under no delusion that I'll be able to drink again. You know, that has been smashed for me. So that's one of the reasons why I'm here. And I'm also here because I want to save my life, what we were talking about. Because alcoholism will kill me drunk or sober. And I wantto be here, and if I'm gonna stay here, I gotta grow spiritually. It's a spiritual program of action, and I've got to do this stuff. And so that'sone of the reason why I am here. The other reason whyI'm here is in the doctor's opinion and it says, Profit emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases, their ideas must be granted in a power greater than themselves if they recreate their lives. So that's really the only message I'm going to try and carry tonight is what our fifth tradition is, that our primary purpose is to carry the message of the alcoholic who still suffers. And it's got to have depth and weight, so it's gotta include God and it's gonna include the steps for me. and I know for some of us that that newcomer that comes in here at 7 days may be suffering but I also know the person in here with 20 years could be suffering and our message has got to be the same which is the 12th step that I had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps that's the message I'm supposed to carry this message so I need to carry that to the person with 7 days who may be suffering or the person who's got 20 years who may me suffering because at 10 years when I was in the other rooms contemplating suicide at 10 years sober, you guys carried that message to me. Get my head out of my ass and get busy. Trust God, clean house, and work with others. You know, the solution's the same for both. And I know the difference between being in pain and Alcoholics Anonymous is not self-inflicted. You know? Because some of that is. At my six year birthday in group three on the 4th of July, 1990, all I can do is sit there and just cry because my baby brother was buried the day before. That's not self-inflicted pain, and I shared that pain. And you guys helped me get through that stuff. But at 10 years sober, I'm sitting in there, and that stuff is my own fault. I'm not doing the deal. And I'm não estou fazendo os resultados. E é a minha culpa e eu sei. E vocês me mostraram o que fazer de novo. E naquela época eu não tinha um sponsor porque meu sponsor tinha saído. Meu sponsor tinha se ido em 9,5 anos de idade. E em um mês ele estava morto. And I didn't get a sponsor right away. And I should have. So, you know, we learn as we go along. You know, the things I understand now at 26 years sober, I didn' t understand at 25. The way I sponsor people today at 26 years sober is not the way I sponsored them at 25 You know if you're not done I ain't working with you today. I'm not working with you. Absolutely. You know that thing and I'm you know this, I give my opinions you know Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion but I've got lots of them. But lots of them are based on the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and they're based upon my experience and what I've learned in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous. You guys have shown me over and over again how to live my life sober. You've also shown me over andover again how not to do this thing. You know? So we can, you know, and I don't play around with this sponsor stuff, you Know? Why would you want a temporary sponsor unless you want temporary sobriety? This really is about a commitment. And I give my guys that I sponsor a commitment, and I expect the same commitment back. And I don't want to sponsor you that's doing half measures, so I hope you don't wanna sponsor this two-and-a-half measures. You know, get somebody that's committed to taking you through the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 steps. That's what my commitment to my guys is. You know? I accept those responsibilities on page 97. You know that my phone's gonna ring off the hook sometimes. You know and sometimes it does. You know I'm one of those 24-7 sponsors. I don' t care what time you call me. you know and my first sponsor used to tell me you know to you know you hear it used to hear a lot about carry the message and not the mess and I tell my guys you bring your problems to me and your solutions alcoholics anonymous and my first sponsored out of them whining the meeting he had pulled me by the ear I'm a little kinder to my guys I tell me I hear you whine immediately I'll kick you in the nuts and I usually got some pretty sharp cowboy boots on today I I don't know if sponsorship scares them or the boots scare them. It doesn't really make any difference. And I tell them, you know, if you're going to bring your problems, you bring your problem to me, but you better bring God and the solution with it. And I talked with my brothers in the early days about my problems before the meeting and after the meeting, and I shared with them at the Starbucks, it probably was Java City then on 18th and Capitol where I shared my problems, and I would share my problems you know at the restaurant afterwards but not in a meeting it just doesn't make any sense to me that's the way I was taught because I wanted some hope when I got here because I was hopeless when I Got Here you know, I was miserable at two and a half years sober and I've been having a lot of miserable days I didn't want to hear anymore about miserable days you know in fact when Mark first asked me to speak I thought well God, you know I've spoken for an hour before and I remember the first time I spoke for an hour I thought how in the hell am I going to speak for an hour you know but the truth is I had no problem on a bar stool holding you hostage for an hour right telling you all the woes and troubles of my life and the problems with my boss and my and my partner and all that crap you know this is an easy crowd you guys came on your own free will to listen to this I got a captive crowd tonight you know so that's really changed for me because i you know i was a whiner and complainer when i got here before i got sober i had this incredible life before i had a great partner great job i lived in a beautiful house in southland park you know with the swimming pool and the guest house and the sauna and all that stuff and i was miserable absolutely miserable and i couldn't and i wasn't seeking god and i didn't care about god and I could not get sober. And I kept waiting for that one little thing that was going to make me happy. And, I kept waiting and waiting. It would be a new relationship or a new job or a house and I was never happy and I was never grateful for anything. I thought that there was something wrong with me. You know, the same way I thought that the reason why I couldn't stop drinking was because I was a bad person. You know? And, because we're drinkers and we're druggers, we're not bad people, you know, I was person who got lost somewhere along the way you know and alcohol robbed me of all that stuff so it's gonna be real weird to tell some of my story because I don't do that in meetings you guys get bits and pieces but you don't get this you know you don t get the story that I didn't start drinking till I was about 18 or 19 and the only reason why I didn t drink more is I just didn't have access to it and I can't say that it made any change in me but I definitely felt better you know the book talks about you know the doctor's opinion that we drink men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol and that was true for me but the fact is I didn't drink for the effect of throw up all over people and I didn't drank for the effect to wet the bed again you know and I did and I didn't break to make a fool out of myself and be inappropriate sexually with men and women. I didn't drink for those reasons. I drank because I wasn't right inside here. Something was wrong inside of me and was never right with me, you know? And I drank to feel something inside of me to fix that because I was not okay with myself and I was no okay with the world and I was no kay with you. That's why I drank. And all those circumstances that looked like I drank had nothing to do with my drinking. I drank because I'm an alcoholic and I liked the effect it produced. That was it. and I used to think I drank because of all my circumstances it had nothing to do with it so by 23 I'd gone away to college I was a scholarship jock don't hold that against me so when I came back from college in 1973 I found the bars it was the first time I really had a job because I couldn't work when I was on scholarships I didn't have a lot of money, and I really became just a weekend warrior. The jocks showed me how to drink on the weekends. One of the things I did notice about my drinking in the early days is I was always the one that was messed up first because I had to get some kind of comfort right away. And I loved hard liquor because it got me there quicker. And when I look back at my drinking career, I was kind of screwed right from the start because I hade to be the first one drunk every time because I couldn't function in the world without it. I couldnít face you guys without it, so by the time I came back in 1973 and I got my first job at the Trowelway Station, I started to make some money, and I hit the bars, and I thought, ìMan, I just knew I was born to boogie.î You know, I knew it. I absolutely knew I wasnít born to party, and my drinking career didnít really last very long. It lasted about ten years, and Iím going to tell you that most of that really wasnít fun. I had about three good years. Three good years out of ten. And, you know, so by the time I was 28, I was in big trouble. But, you now, I'm a good alcoholic. I'm not going to give up. I had another five years to prove I could do this thing. You know, and a lot of that is in my chapter, Chapter 3, more about Jim. you know I'm the gym character who wants to drink the milk with whiskey and that's one of my favorite lines in the book when he senses, he says when he picks up the drink and he does it he says I vaguely sense I wasn't being any too smart love that line so I'm the gym director you know and I'm also the jaywalker one more attempt followed by one more failure over and over and again and that and that's what the light of the last five years my drinking was like and I didn't know I was trying to control and enjoy my drink he I didn t know that until I got here and I was really shocked when I read more about alcoholism and I thought how in the hell these people know this stuff already how did they know all these things that I was doing already you know you knew all of it how could you know that stuff but you did so by the time you know the book talks about the two questions on 44 you know if you want to when you honestly wanted to could you quit entirely well at 23 I probably could at 28 maybe I could do it a little bit less at 33 absolutely not second question once i started drinking can i control the amount i took at 23 of course i could at 28 less at 33 absolutely not and i wasn't an everyday drinker but by the time i finished up i was you know the only the only sad thing about alcohol is the fact is it stops working that's the tragic thing for alcoholics like us it no longer works and towards the end I couldn't pour enough alcohol in me to make me feel any different. It always amazed me how you go out and get so shit-faced and have to have two or three more drinks. There's no more effect that two or more drinks could do, but I had to have them. That phenomenon of a craving. And that's the really cool thing about the obsession being gone is I don't have to worry about the phenomenon of craving or the allergy to the body because if I ain't putting alcohol in my body those things ain't going to happen. They just don't happen. so that's why it's so important and the longer I'm here I was sharing with one of the guys here tonight the thing I understand so much more clear than I've ever understood before that I've watched thousands of people come in and out of these rooms and not do a fourth and fifth step and sit in the rooms and not do that and they never get a chance to have the obsession be lifted and I've never seen it like I see it now you know over and over again because the obsession is going to leave for most of us somewhere between three and nine we're going to have some kind of awakening or a psychic change something's going to happen after four or five i can guarantee it you know i had my spiritual experience in step three and i didn't want it but i got it you now it's sort of like you know i take people through the book and i you know my first sponsor you know took me right to the doctor's opinion to identify the problem and i do that with my guys and then i take them to the solution and i start talking about god and they well i don't want god well neither did i you know neither did I so what happened for me at 33 years old you know I just made a relationship change you know the relationship I had was too healthy for me you know you know side I was actually in two relationships at the same time and neither one of them knew about it I'm a bisexual man I had a relationship with a woman and a man at the same time, and I wasn't honest about any of that stuff. And you wonder why I'm having trouble with personal relationships. So I got involved. You know, I moved up the food chain. I got involve with an IV drug-using bartender. You know? And that relationship changed my life because that bartender was trying to get clean. And he suggested it didn't start out that way, But he ran his first, I met him in September of 1983. He ran a marathon in October. And to celebrate that celebration of healthy living he threw a champagne cocaine brunch. So that's where my life could have went. But my partner was trying to get clean and he suggested in December of 1983 that I stop drinking. Because alcohol is my problem not drugs. I'm a real alcoholic and that's why I'm in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got nowhere else to go. This is the only place I got to go, so that's why it's so important that I hear the message of Alcoholics Anonymous in a meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous because I've got nowhere to go and my first sponsor helped me with that singleness of purpose that we have in Alcoholics anonymous because when I came into the 80s, 30 to 40% of the room identified themselves as alcoholic addicts and I couldn't relate to that. We even had people in the 80's who were bringing their teddy bears sharing about their inner child it means. I'm serious and if you're new, I was baffled. Teddy bear this. Don't get me started. So anyway, what happened is my partner didn't work a program and I didn't know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous other than primary purpose, so I pretty much white-knuckled it for two and a half years, and my partner continued to shoot up about every three months. He never worked with a sponsor, he never went to meetings, he never did any of that stuff. And I didn't know anything about that, I didn see that until later, why he couldn't get clean. And why I was having such a hard time just getting through not drinking. So, and I had like five drinks between December of 1983 till my last drink on July 4th, or July 3rd, 1984 and that was in Santa Cruz. I had two rum and cokes somewhere between nine and 10 o'clock. You know, and if I'd have known that would've been my last two drinks I had a lot more you know and then through the grace of God I didn't because maybe if I did I wouldn't be here because I never knew during those two and a half years when I when I did my third step and I look back how close I was all the time right on the edge of drinking it didn't even know it and maybe I never would have gotten here at all you know because if you're new here and you know when you're in the rooms actually were any of us in the room so we've beaten the odds. We absolutely have beaten the odds. I've got a brother that's a year and a half younger than me, and he doesn't want this thing. He's never wanted it. And he's got a miserable life. So if you're new here, what I suggest for you is you start thinking about that person that's newer than you. You know, if I've been given 30, 60 or 90 days or six months or nine months, I've been given some grace. I better start thinking about that person with three days if I want to stay here. I better stop thinking about myself useful in Alcoholics Anonymous by thinking about somebody other than myself. And the book talks about him. My recovery depends upon my constant thought of others. I have to act a good Samaritan every day, if need be. But that conflicts with page 62. I'm selfish and self-centered. So what? So anyway, what happened for me at two and a half years sober is I went out to drink over resentment. and go figure, right? And I got out to the bar and I couldn't drink. And I got home and I thought two things. I need out of this relationship I'm not going to stay sober. And I need to do something. I'm going to drink again. Because I knew I'd escaped and I was going to be in the wrong place with the wrong feeling, with the wrong person, and the wrong bad idea, and I's going to drink again. I knew it. And this is God working in my life again and that bartender had introduced me to somebody in Alcoholics Anonymous who was six years sober at the time. And those two-and-a-half years sober, I used to spend every weekend with him. And he would share his life with me. He didn't talk a lot about AlcoholicsAnonymous, but I knew it was different. I knew he was happier than I was. So when I got up that next morning, I thought, I've got to do something, so I called that man. And he took me to my first meeting of AlcoholicsAnenomous. And that was January. We went to some fellowship in Roseville. I wanted to go somewhere out of town where nobody knew me, you know. So that was my introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's a few things I remember about my first meeting. My sponsor seemed to know everybody. And he got me to get out of my chair and go talk to somebody that had three days. And I thought, what am I going to say? What am I gonna say? Go talk to him. Go welcome him. and that's what i did and i couldn't tell you what i said to him other than just welcome to here at alcoholics anonymous or something like that but those are the things my sponsor told me to do and my sponsor didn't give suggestions my my sponsor now doesn't give suggestion they give clear-cut directions and if i would have waited around for some of these suggestions i might have got drunk get a temporary sponsor don't do the fourth and fifth step right away don't get a home group you know he's one of the guys in the fellowship i love you always says you know don't give a sponsor don't you know don't get a sponsor don't work the steps get into a relationship hell get in two of them you know and i needed i needed direction when i got here because i didn't know what to do i knew nothing about alcoholics and i was i knew nothing about these steps. I saw them on the board and I thought they looked like swimming pool rules. And I would look at those steps and I would think, what do those have to do with me being happy or me being sober and what's God doing an alcoholics anonymous because he wasn't in my self-help stuff I went to you know and I and as I began to work to my sponsor took me right to the doctor's opinion to identify the problem that I had an allergy to body obsession of mine and that made sense to me it kind of explained why I couldn't stop drinking and why the phenomena craving he also talked about the spiritual malady that I suffered from this stuff that the stuff that was inside it was killing me and that's what drove me to stop drinking in the first place and it's what eventually go be alcohol synonymous because I knew the way I was living my life is not the way I wanted to live my life and then once he once he got me to identify the problem he took me right to the solution in step two and that was a God and I can't be restored to sanity for me until I stopped putting the alcohol in my body in step one. So if I'm powerless in step 1, the answer is power. And where do I find that power? The book tells me the main purpose of the book to have me find this power because I can connect to it and it will take the obsession away. And that's what happened for me. And I can remember going over to my sponsor's house to do step 3 and the book talks about being convinced we were at step 3. I didn't have the answers in 1. My way wasn't working. You guys had a solution in step two, I'm convinced I can't do it. I can' t do this thing. And the book talks about we thought well before taking this step. It's the only step that it says that about. And I thought a lot about it that day. I ain't doing it. I don't think I can do it and I told my sponsor that and he said Jim it's not about God, it's about making a decision because I'm going to be honest with you when i got to step three i was incapable of turning my life and my will over the care of god i was not that far in my development yet i could not do it but i was capable of making a decision and then in making that decision and doing the rest of the steps that happened for me i was able by step nine to start turning my wife and mine in my will for the care of god but i couldn't do it in step three but i can make a decision see because the results in my life that through the action steps didn't show up because of the decision. They showed up because of the action I took after the decision. See, and that's why it's so important that we carry this message to the new person because we got a big book here to carry the message. We got a solution for them, a chapter. There's a solution. We've got a chapter on how it works for them. We've Got a chapter into action with promised results. If you do these things, you'll get these results. The fears will begin to fall from me. I'll be able to face the world in the eye i'll begin to feel the nearness of my creator i will comprehend the word serenity and no peace i won't regret the past nor wish to shut the door and i will find a new happiness and a new freedom we have promised results for the people that are new in alcoholics anonymous if we could take them through the steps and then we have a vision for you on how remarkable your life can be on the inside out because my life is you know i've got a lot less than when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous so I got a lot more in here you know some of my guys met tonight I met with Mark and his wife and we had dinner together my guys met together that I sponsor my family and and I wanted to be with him but I knew I'd be probably either I'd either be too fired up or I'dbe too emotional because these guys absolutely changed my life and the way that I'm sponsored now is because it directly spoke for these guys and I'm sponsoring they have changed my life and I would never would have guessed that and so I went through the third step I remember going to my sponsors door and I had to do a little sponsor routine he wanted me to do I made a decision you know I had to pound really loud because he wasn't he why didn't he want me to all the neighbors to hear it but when I had made a decedient but and but what I can tell you what happened for me in that moment I had some time out in his backyard after we had gone through the books that what happened for me is I literally woke up to something greater than myself it was at that moment that I actually knew that God was present in my life again and I don't know where that came from and it was a it was that moment when I knew that the bartender and this guy that was sponsoring me was put in my wife that God did that that God picked the 4th of July for my day because I didn't know what day I had. I just happened to be in the same bar in Santa Cruz a year later, and now, oh, done. That's my day. Otherwise, I'd have had no idea. So God did all that. He's always done for me what I couldn't do for myself. If I seek, if I seek it, I can see it. But if I don't seek it、I can't see it because I couldn'T stay sober when I had that incredible life even though I was drinking because I couldN'T see God because I wasn't seeking. And I was pathetic and hopeless. you know so I went on and I you know he took me to the fourth and fifth step and in kind of don't want to look at that stuff you know I don't wanna do it so I just follow the instructions he gave me you know the four columns and I I got to that fourth column am i I thought what does this have to do with him where's the fifth column you know the calm we blame them that's what I was interested in and he said you know Jim that hasn't done you much good most of your life has it so why don't we take a look at the exact nature of your wrongs in the fourth column where were you selfish and self-seeking and where were you inconsiderate and full of fear where were you dishonest, you know? And we aren't talking about the wrongs that I did. We're looking at the exact nature of the wrong that had me cause those wrongs, that made me step on other people's toes when I was selfish or when I wasn't considerate. That's what I had to look at. And you know, when I put that stuff on paper, I couldn't deny it anymore. I couldn�t deny that that was me. And it was really helpful for me because I, you now, it talks about it in 133, it says we are sure god wants us to be happy joyous and free but i couldn't be happy joys and free until i did four and five because i can't be heavy when i'm full of resentments and you know i was angry when i got here it always puzzled me that i was a happy drunk but i was not i was very happy sober because i came in here a tad angry you know and i can remember a guy named gene and his wife of mine he was a big guy and he told me, Jim I don't care if you're angry come sit next to me because I'm not afraid and that brought me some comfort so I was angry when I got here I was angry because I had to come in here and ask for help you know and say I can't do this by myself because that's my obsession still to this day until I was about 13 years sober I'm going to do this my way I'm gonna do it without Alcoholics Anonymous and I can tell you how many people I've seen come in and try to do this thing their way it don't work my way is never going to work you know and i didn't get that till i was about 13 years sober you know i've been i've pretty much on i just don't want to say on fire but i've been pretty active since i got back you know because my life's at stake and my happiness is at stake so i can't be happy when i'm full of resentments and i can'T BE JOYOUS WHEN I'M FULL OF FEAR AND I WAS FULL ALL KINDS OF FEARS WHEN i GOT HERE AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT YOU KNOW and more of my fears came up the longer I was here as I started to grow and develop and started to develop spiritually some of those fears came out and I had to replace those fears with faith and that's what happened for me so I can't be happy when I'm full of resentments I can' t be joyous when I' m full of fear and I can'' t be free when I'' m packing around all those guilt and remorse from the harms done I' ve done in my life you know And I had the harms done. We always have a sexual inventory because that's what we do the most harm. And if you have the kind of sexual life I did, being bisexual in the 70s and 80s, I had a lot of harms done, you know? And I Had a Lot of Dishonesty. You know, and I know there's people in here my age, I see a lot of gray hair. And you remember the late 60s and the 70S and the early 80s when we were doing everything we could get our hands on, drugs and booze, and we were also doing everybody we could getting our hands so i had i had a lot of stuff to clean up in the sex inventory and my sponsor helped me with that he gave me directions with that when i followed his directions and then i then i began to experience some of that that freedom that they were talking about you know that drink that was right here when i got here moved a little bit further after four and five and it was going to move a little bit further after i did step nine and started to make my amends you know in six and seven there's only a couple paragraphs in there because that's going to be in god's time and i'm now aware of my character defects or nature's wrongs or wrongdoings or whatever their book says about those there's three different things and i just i'm aware of those things now and step six and seven is really is about about growing and changing and becoming a better person today being a better man and trying to grow spiritually because i'm doing the same thing that Tamara you are at seven days. I'm trying to grow spiritually. That's all I'm trying to do. You know, 26 years doesn't mean anything. It's the same. If you drink tomorrow at eight days or I drink tomorrow at 26 and a half years, the result is going to be the same I'm going to in the same boat. The phenomenal craving is going to come back. The obsession is going to come back and the allergy is going to kick in. See, I'm just another drunk in Alcoholics Anonymous. That is all I am. Just another drunk trying to grow spiritually and stay sober today. I'm a 60-year-old man trying to grow up. That's all I am. I always joke about that, you know, I don't want to baffle anybody, but this is a big book. This is a big, big book and my sponsor kids me. He says, because he, you know, I turned 60 December 1st. I'm 60, you know, one month today. My sponsor is 70 and he said he knew he was getting old when his sponsor, he had a bold print big book so then I made my list in eight and uh and I got to start making my amends in nine and some of that healing started to happen for me because those people that I harmed were some of those people were the people I loved the most in my life and one of those people was my sister who had lived with me a couple times during the end of my drinking career and she put up with all that stuff and she loved me anyway and she's my biggest supporter today I just talked to her today and last night she's having kidney failure right now and that kills me because she suffers from lupus and she is diabetic and we try to support each other with that stuff so she's My Biggest Fan and my heart goes out to her because she's in Texas and I can't help other than talk to her on the phone encourage her and so what a gift that is to have that relationship repaired with my sister today and so I started making my amends and how my sponsor told me he said that making amends was like putting like a fishing net back together so this thing worked so all the relationships in my life worked the best that they could work and step nine is really about mending my ways not really about changing my behavior it doesn't do me any good to make amends to you for hitting you over the head with a baseball bat and then go do it two more days later. It really is about changing my behavior and trying to be a better person and live a different life. Live the way that God would have me be. Because if you're new here, Tamara, or the other people that are new, God's got big plans for you. I know that. God had big plans for me and I didn't want them in the beginning. Because I resisted this thing because of my ego. My self-centeredness, my self-seeking. and I changed in spite of myself and alcoholics and all because I really believe you do these steps you can kick and hold your breath as long as you want but you're going to change it's going to happen you can count on it and those problems that you have the session that the book talks about the problem will be removed I had a lot of problems when I got here and I didn't know it and I loved my problems before I got there that's all I had I remember I was in one of the seminars before I got got an Alcoholics Anonymous and there was a big room like this like 150 250 people in the seminar later said I want you to close your eyes and think of a problem somebody yelled out well what if you don't have one and he said we'll make one up that's what you do anyway and that's what I've been doing all my life the only way I knew how to solve a problem was go get a bigger problem then we get to step 10 and in step 10 is really where I had the enormous growth in my life because this is where I really got him to start to practice does this stuff on a daily basis all those things I'd learned one through nine I knew and I knew I didn't knew how to do a step one and identify problems. I knew how to look for a solution, I knew how to make a decision, I know how to ask for God's help. Then I can start applying this stuff at the workplace and in my personal relationships and with my family. And step 10 is really where I began to learn to live a day at a time, to learn, to live, a day-at-a-time sober was through step 10 and that's why it's so important you try we've tried to work on that on a daily basis that I can review my day upon awakening, upon retiring. What could I have done better? So that's like a continual growth thing for me. Like I was sharing, you can always find a new freedom and a new happiness in Alcoholics Anonymous. There is always a new level of honesty and a New Level of Integrity and a Blue Level of Faith. All that stuff has happened to be in Alcoholic Anonymous because I'm going to share some of that stuff when we get to Step 12 about working with others, about how that happens for me. And so step 11, I seek God on a daily basis. I read my meditation books. I read out of the big book every day and I ask for God's guidance on each day. And if I can seek on a weekly basis, on a regular basis, I can see how incredible my life is. If I can say that, I can be grateful and if I could be grateful, I'd probably stay sober today. And that's what I do and I wasn't doing that when I couldn't get sober. so I seek God's help daily because I can't do this myself absolutely can't left to my own self devices I'm screwed it's that simple and we get to we get to step 12 there's a whole chapter devoted entirely to step 12 practical experience shows that nothing was so much a sure amenity from drinking as intensive work with another alcoholic and that has been the case for me and I didn't want to do that in the beginning I remember the guy that came over and asked me I'd seen him walking across the room and I thought oh no I see that look and I thought I ain't doing it I'm not working with somebody older than me and I'm now I'm working with someone black And I'm not, and I'm not, and I said, of course I will. And this guy, this was when I was three months, or three years sober. So I had been in the program six months at Alcoholics Anonymous. This guy was two and a half years sober He'd already been through the steps. And he was ten years older than I was. He had ten years more of living knowledge than I had. And he let me take him, he did the grace of letting me take him through the steps without saying anything about that he'd already done them or how he did them or any of that stuff. He let me take him through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And then I got enormous growth out of that. And that person, you know, that I didn't want to sponsor turned out to be my best friend at AlcoholicsAnonymous. And I was his roommate for three years, some of the three best years of my life. Because we just weren't roommates and sponsors. We were friends. We hung out together. We just didn't go to meetings. We did everything together. And he was my saving grace when I was 10 years sober and I was working with him, and that's about all I had. Because he was roommate at the time. So it's called working with others, it's not called playtime with Bonzo. It's a lot of work sometimes. It takes a lot commitment to do this stuff on both parts. And sometimes it breaks your heart when these people don't do it or don't make it. maybe some people can be detached from this stuff I can't, I care about these people that I sponsor they're part of my family God has graced me with their presence so that I can learn something I just had an experience not too long ago I had a couple guys about a year and a half ago I started working with one of them was pretty new the other guy had been about a half sober and they were pushing me to a level of honesty I'd never been at before. They were pushing me to a level of being a better person than I'd ever been pushed before and being a better sponsor. They pushed me so hard that I had to go get some outside help. I did. And it isn't about the honesty I was sharing in meetings, because I share a lot of stuff in meetings with you that know me about who I am as a human being. I share that stuff. But I wasn't being honest with myself. And it was killing me. And these guys pushed me to that. and for the first time in my life I felt like I was more authentic and alcoholics anonymous than I'd ever been I felt that God was working in a way that I never shared before that God is working in my way the way he's never been working in me and I was scared and I couldn't face the world because I felt you guys could see right through me but I needed some help to get there and there's nothing wrong with getting outside help and I'm so glad I did because I was uncomfortable for a couple of months but my life has never been the same since and part of that stuff was looking at my bisexuality I was not willing to do that I wasn't willing to be honest about it I'd rather be gay than straight I wanted to be something, I just didn't want to be what I was story of my life and my therapist helped me with that so I can be open and honest so I have a healthy relationship and I wouldn't have got that without working with others I wouldn't have been able to grow spiritually without him and the funny thing was right in the moment that guy pushed me to that level of honesty I was being more honest than I'd ever been before I lied to him I lied to him and had to go back and clean it up because this is progress not perfection and I've had my moments of all of that stuff being less than perfect my guys know I'm not perfect I tell you hanging around with me long enough you're going to find that out real quick you know I share everything with my guys I don't lie to them about anything I tell them the truth about everything and they can tell you that we talk every day and sometimes we talk two or three times a day and then what I get out of it is I get this incredible freedom in my life today that Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps have given me because you've given me the tools to work with others and that's basically what my sponsor was doing in the beginning he was teaching me how to be a sponsor he was teaching me how to take somebody through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and what an awesome feeling that is so today you know I have this incredible life on the inside and the thing that AlcoholicsAnonymous has given me is AlcoholicsAnalymous has given me the freedom to to get out and participate in life today. I'm a big jock, so I love to participate in sports and compete and do all that stuff. It always sounded like a good idea when I was drinking, but I couldn't do it. I was a big history buff, and I get to be a state park volunteer where I getto interpret history to the public. It's one of my passions. It always would have sounded likea good idea when Iwas drinking. I gettodo those things todayin Alcoholics Anonymous because I've gotten the tools, and my sponsor always reminds me, get out there and celebrate the joy of being sober. Get out there and participate in life. And that's what I get to do today. And then that's the message we carry to the newcomers, that there's hope here, that you can get out there and participate with life again. You know? So, I get really emotional about some of this stuff because I have so many people in this room that I love that changed my life. because there were times when these sponsors that I worked with carried me they didn't know it but they were carrying me they carried me a year ago when I was going through therapy when suicide seemed like an option again for me because I was so uncomfortable in my own skin and what I kept doing was doing what I've always done I went to more meetings and I called my sponsor and I kept working with alcoholics whether I thought it was going to work or not and I keep trusting on this God I'll pray to him every day to help me with some of this stuff. Give me guidance and strength. So, the great gift for me about Falks and Arms besides the obsession being gone is that I am okay with the life that God has given me today. I'm okay with the hand that he has dealt me in my life today. You know, I've been HIV positive for 28 years and I don't look at that as a curse I look at it as a blessing God has done for me what I could not do for myself he has changed my life he has not always made my life easier he has made my life incredibly better he has make my friendships incredibly better he has makes my family stuff better he has change my whole life when I was in that hospital in 1995 and I had lost 50 pounds in a month and I was in the hospital 11 days and I didn't know if I was going to wake up every day but I knew God was going to take care of me I knew that God was there with me and that I would be okay and not okay that I was gonna live but okay that if I'm dying I would be taken care of and there was no hope at that time that was in January of 1996 they didn't come out to the new beds until May of 1996 and I'd been given 6 months the previous July and my father was dying at the time and my only request of God was that we don't die at the same time for my mom and I've been granted that time frame my father died in May and they came out with the new drugs for me in May so you know I gotta focus on the good stuff that God has done for me and so those things that we have that seem so tragically bad turn out to be our greatest gifts in Alcoholics Anonymous that some of the people that I've Been Able To Help I've Been Able to Help because of my experiences and it's the same experience as you guys have and they may not be the same experiences as mine but you're going to be able to help somebody along the way with that and what a gift that is because we've got to burn in the consciousness of every person in this room that is new that you can stay sober regardless of anybody or anything as long as you trust God and clean house and work with others job or no job, wife or no wife hep C or no hep C white or not white house or no house car or no car bicycle or no bicycle we can get sober and stay sober regardless of anything if we trust God and clean house and work with others it doesn't matter that's the hope at Alcoholics Anonymous that we share that with other people I want to read something here out of the book because it kind of sits not in the 164 pages I'm probably going to be smacked by my sponsor for that but I'm going to read it anyway. Of course, if there was rules here saying I couldn't, I wouldn't. You know, because that's one of the things we learn in Alcoholics Anonymous is to follow instructions so that I don't special myself right out the door. There was a meeting not too long ago I was speaking at and one ofthe rules there was that you had to pick a topic out of the first 164 pages and I wanted to do something out of one of his stories and I thought well you can't do that that's not what they asked you to do why don't you do what they told you to do and that's what I did because if I can do that then I can follow my boss's instructions at work you know that's what we're that's why we have rules in Alcoholics Anonymous so we can follow directions in the world so when I'm asked as chair for 15 minutes I don't speak for 45 minutes I know that's never happened to you guys just me this is actually on 316 and 317 it's one of my favorite passages in the stories and the stories are important because there's how we relate and that's how these people have had their experiences with God and the part in the stories too, a lot of people miss it there's three sections they're the pioneers of AA and then there's a section for people like me who stopped in time because my life I hadn't lost everything to get to Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't have to lose everything to getting here I didn't drink every day I didn' drink in the morning I didn'' drink during business hours but I drank enough to get into Alcoholics Enormous and some people came here from the streets and i didn't and we're still welcomed here it doesn't matter you know i was in enough pain to come to alcoholics anonymous that's the only thing that matters no better no worse i was just enough spiritual you suffered from the spiritual malady to drive me to alcoholic synonymous doesn't really matter then there's that chapter of those who lost nearly all you know those that had shattering disasters on every front you know and then we're all welcome in alcoholics synonymous i'm welcomed here i can i can tell you there was a time in 80s when having aids was not a good thing and people didn't want to be around me but you guys held my hands in prayer i could see that some of you were scared but you didn't care you held my hand anyway you held me up through prayer you touched my hands and you brought me back to life you know because people were scared then i was scared but alcoholics anonymous has never rejected anybody i know for any of those things We're all inclusive here. We hang together or we die alone. It's that simple. So this part is really for people who are new and for people that have been here for a while because it works for all of us. And it says, sobriety is nothing like I thought it would be. At first it was one big emotional roller coaster full of sharp highs and deep lows. blows. My emotions were new, untested, and I wasn't entirely certain I wanted to deal with him. I cried when I should have been laughing. I laughed when I shouldn't have cried. Events that I thought were the end of the world turned out to be gifts. It was all very confusing. Slowly things began to even out as I began to take the steps of recovery. The role in the pitiful condition of my life became clear. If asked what the two most important things in recovery are, I would say willingness and action. I was willing to believe that AA was telling me the truth. I wanted to believe it was true in a way I cannot relate in words. I wanted this thing to work. Then I began to take the course of action prescribed. Following the principles laid out in the big book have not always been comfortable, nor will I claim perfection. I have yet to find a place in the Big Book that says, now that you've completed the steps, have a nice life. The program is a plan for a lifetime of daily living. There have been occasions when the temptation to slack has won. I view each of these as a learning opportunity. When I am willing to do the right thing, I am rewarded with inner peace no amount of liquor could ever provide. When I'm unwilling to do it, I become restless, irritable, and discontent. It is always my choice. Through the 12 steps, I have been granted the gift of choice. I am no longer at the mercy of a disease that tells me that the only answer is to drink. if willingness is the key to unlock the gates of hell it is action that opens the door so that we may walk freely among the living and I truly get to walk freely amongst the living today you know, I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore no matter who I'm running into anymore all those amends have been completed for me so we get to participate and be free today in our lives today over the course of my sobriety I've experienced many opportunities to grow I have had struggles and achievements through it all I have not had to take a drink nor I've ever been alone willingness in action has seen me through it all with the guidance of a loving higher power and the fellowship of the program when I am in doubt I have faith that things will turn out as they should, when I'm afraid I reach for the hand of another alcoholic to steady me and that's what I've done in Alcoholics Anonymous and that's the promises for all of us these are not my promises there are promises in alcoholic songs and that is the message I carry when I talk to a newcomer I sit down and I talk about this working on getting this obsession of alcohol to leave and what we have to do to do that it's not about telling the newcomer to keep coming back let's show them how to stay let's teach him how to go through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and give him some hope let's share our experience the fact that we had a spiritual awakening or a spiritual educational variety or an awakening of some kind let's show him how we did it you know our statistics suck let's face it the second edition talks about 50% coming here and staying right from the beginning another 25% staying after that I don't know what the statistics are about what people stay now but we know they're not good we can do better than that with strong sponsorship because my sponsor really taught me how to do things in Alcoholics On he taught me how to carry the message he taughtme to get out of my comfort zone and go talk to other alcoholics he taught me how chair a meeting he taught me about a lot of things and then he taught me how to be polite to people in public he taught me a lot of those things because a sponsor really is a teacher and I trusted my sponsor I trust my sponsor now I have a great sponsor now my sponsor is nothing like me you know nothing like me but the reason why he's my sponsor is because he absolutely tells me the truth not always what I want to hear but he tells me the true you know and I called him up you know I don't was about two or three years ago and I had this problem with some medical stuff and that stuff always makes me nuts when I don t get the care I want and I caught him up with this problem my sponsor is really brilliant and he really knows his book so I was expecting a profound answer to my problem you only told me he said Jim you know many people love you in alcoholics and I thought what the hell does that have to do today? What my sponsor has tried to do is he's tried me to give to you work on my own problems with God. To rely upon God in the fellowship of my problems and he'll give me guidance when he can and he doesn't always have the answer so and I get some of that stuff with my guys I had one of my favorite sponsee stories. I had a guy about about a year ago call me at 5 30 in the morning and he wanted to talk about the hula hoop because he'd heard about that he'd hurt about the Hula Hoop at Alcoholics Anonymous 530 in the morning did you did I wake you up he didn't say any of that stuff 530 is a morning he wants to talk so I and I knew he was stuck because he was trying to make the distinction between the hoola hoop and that part before the promises it says as God's people we stand on our feet we don't crawl before anyone. He wanted to know the difference. So I tried to explain to the best of my ability, although the hula hoop is not in the big book. I tried to explain to the rest of myability about the hula hoop and that part about crawling before nobody. And he didn't seem to get it. So the next morning he calls me back at exactly the same time and he wants to talk about the hila hoop again. And is the hula loop interchanged with other relationships? And I finally just said, you know what? You just make up whatever you want about the Hula Hoop. you know, I'm going back to bed I had to time myself to see if I could do it so I actually make my guys take a when they're supposed to chair 15 minutes I make them take a timer I'm serious you do what you're told to do you're gonna make yourself special right out the door is what you'll do been my experience I do what Alcoholics Anonymous asks me to do no better no worse that's the part of humility just being exactly who I am just right size no better nor worse exactly what I am trying to accept me the way I am you know and I'm still working on that I still struggle with the bisexual stuff I'm working on it I'm getting better and you guys in Alcoholics Anonymous help me with all areas of my life so I'm going to be a little early Mark I did my 60 minutes so when you're done, you're gone so thanks