I Ain’t Got the Luxury of Resentments and I Ain’t Got the Luxury of Rationalizing — Joe C.

My name is Joe Manopaholic. I'm feeling good today, a lot better than before I walked in these rooms, and that's the truth. Let me tell you something. I'd like to thank Bob for asking me to speak. I'd like to give a special thanks to my sponsor, Billy, for putting up with me and being there for me through thick and thin. There's a bunch of people in here, John Z, guys that called me up, you know, and I was saying to myself, you know, I spoke two weeks ago, I was saying to myself, he asked me to speak, it's a little soon, I got the same pitch, I can't challenge my story. I said, you know, what am I going to do, what am I going to say to these people who heard me already? And then, you know, I get calls from my friends saying, you know, we're going to show up, we're going to support you, and I feel good about it, you know. I got friends like Sarah. Whenever I'm having a bad day, you know, things are really going rough for me. I hear, hello, John Z, you know, you know. You know, it's just heartwarming to know that I got people looking out for me. You know, Billy, our telephone call, because I'm not much of a phone person, it revolves around this. Just thinking about you, that's Billy. Thanks, what's going on? Nothing, talk to you later. I got 23 years in the rooms, my sobriety date is March 29th. In 1983, I'd like to just mention a disclaimer before I say anything else. Number one, if I disturb anybody by what I have to say, you never know. You might misinterpret what I'm saying, or, you know, I'm not here to upset or disturb anybody. So after the meeting, please, don't walk away with a resentment. See me after the meeting, and maybe you misunderstood what I said. I was brought up in New York, and you know that. You know, you can talk about it. I mean, we're not, we might be drunks, we're not stupid. And I was brought on a Lower East Side, a place called Little Italy. They were the mobsters, they were the rough kids, they were the, you know, it was just one of them crazy neighborhoods. I was the coward. I was the one who felt uncomfortable all the time. I was the one that, when I got old enough to drink, you know, gave me the ability to go out there and be what I thought everybody else was. You know, I was the coward. I was the type of guy that couldn't look you straight in the eye and say, you want to step outside? But if I had two drinks, it enabled me to have that false courage to do it. And I remember my first drink. I was sitting in the house alone, nervous as usual, and don't know why. I was always a nervous kid. And my mother and father were at the church dance. My sister was older than me. She was out of the house. And it was a movie with James Cagney and Barry Fitzgerald and all the rest of the Irish. And they were all belly up to the bar and laughing and having a good time. And, man, I was wondering what that was all about. Because in my family, and I'm not saying this to be cute, dying of cirrhosis was like dying of natural causes. And at that time, we, everybody drank. All my relatives were all from the old country, you know. And they all drank. That was a way of life, you know. I asked my grandfather one time, you know, I thought, you know, I asked my mother one time, I said, you know, I don't drink. I said, you don't drink. I said, you don't drink. I said, you don't drink. She said, do you think Grandpa was an alcoholic after I came in the program? Because he should take a shot of booze, put it in his coffee and drink before he went to work the docks. And she says, no. She says, did you ever see Papa drunk? I said, no. Did you ever get out of line? I said, no. She says, he did that because, you know, back in the 50s, they didn't have Tylenol and Advil and everything else. So if you were in pain and you had to shape up because if you don't go to work, you didn't get paid for that day, he drank whiskey to kill some of that pain. And, but, you know, he gets a pass on that. But the rest of the time, he didn't get paid for that. The rest of them, I think they had problems. You know, my, it was always, I remember, it was so romantic, the drinking. You know, my uncles, they would drink. And my grandmother, they'd talk about the old country and get bombed out of their minds and just have, you know, maybe fight with each other and then make up. And they always seemed to have it together, you know. And I was always that kid, you know, standing around looking and feeling uncomfortable. So that night that I was watching that program, I walked over to, we used to keep, my father used to keep his liquor. We lived in the tenements and he used to keep it behind a curtain in the bedroom. And I think he kept it behind the curtain in the bedroom. And this is the God's honest truth, because his drunken brothers wouldn't come down because we used to leave our doors open and steal his booze. Because they don't visit each other and we'll all get a drink off somebody else's house. And I remember I went and I poured my alcohol into, I poured the booze into a cap and I drank it down. I was about 12 years old. Man, it was the most God awful taste I ever had in my life. I mean, it was absolutely horrible. I couldn't understand why they drink that stuff. I don't believe I had the allergy then, but I had another drink. And then I had another cap full because I wanted to be like the grown-ups. And then I sat down to watch TV. And Billy said this doesn't, this never happened to him, but I got that feeling that rose from the pit of my stomach. It went to my head and down to my feet. And I just, whoa, you know. And just to show you what it does for you, I even had the nerve to watch Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and Twilight Zone in the same night without even being fearful. Yeah, bring it on, you know. And this is a kid, this is a kid that he'd see Godzilla, guys running around in rubber suits, and I couldn't sleep that night. But, you know, I started drinking by myself. I was the best kid. Man, I wouldn't even move a hair in the house when they went out. Didn't want them to, you know, want them to know that you could leave your son here and nothing will happen as long as I could drink. They didn't know it though. And I'd stay home and drink. It developed into a habit. And my mother was the type of woman, she was a religious zealot, very proud of my mother, you know. More so when I'm in a program and I can see the big picture. I didn't see it before. I just thought she was some other kind of crazy because she believed in God so much. Now my father, and I'm not telling tales out of school that, you know, this is not a blame your parents speech from me. But my father, you know, he was a knock-around guy, you know, dressed up, you know, good-looking Italian man, you know, go out on Friday, come home on Sunday, type of guy. And my mother used to go to sleep, like, she had that old European mentality, you know. What they would do is, everything had to be clean all the time. I think my mother knocked herself out more cleaning than anything else, you know, and cooking. And my mother used to go to sleep with the, you know, about 7, 8 o'clock at night. And my father used to work midnights. And in that era, they had that thing called the work ethic. Not that they don't have it today, but they had that thing called the work ethic. Not that they don't have it today, but they had that thing called the work ethic. But it was a little different. Like, they'd show up 45 minutes before work, for what? Just in case something happened that night that they need to be briefed on. That's what their mentality. So he was out the house at 10 o'clock at night. And of course, I came from a neighborhood where all my cousins and all my relatives lived in the same neighborhood. So my cousins, when they, their parents were the same way, they'd sneak out of the house and I'd sneak out of the house. And we'd hang out all night, two, three hours in the morning, just sitting on a stoop, you know, having a good time. And the Bowery was about to close. It was a block away from where I lived. And a lot of you know the Bowery. At the time, now you need, you know, you need to be a millionaire to live on a Bowery. But then it was just for derelicts and homeless people. And we used to get a, you know, a guy who was a bum, you know, or drunk, and say, listen, you want a bottle of wine, we'll purchase one for you, but you've got to get a case for us. And we used to hide cases down the cellar. We always had tons of booze, because the Bowery was only a block away from me, and they'd oblige us. And so my drinking progressed. And progressed. And progressed. And as a result of that, by the time I was 18 years old, I went through my first bout with the DTs. I was drinking a lot, you know. You say to yourself, parents didn't have the awareness they have today. So I'm not putting any of the blame on the parents. They didn't have that awareness. They didn't have self-help books, nor did the sponsors in those days, and I'll get to that later. Because my first sponsor had 35 years in the room when I met him in 83, and he was just a God-nosed guy. Everything had to be A, A, A, A, A, but there was no compassion then, and it wasn't because that they weren't compassionate people. It was just that at that time, they didn't have these self-help books and things to help them along, to see that there's another side to a person's emotional distress. But my mother, you know, everybody in that era, in the 50s, when I remember, and I hope I remember it good. You know, good, is that drinking, the more you drank, the better you fought, all the things that are contrary to the principle of our program made you a hero. You know, I had an uncle who would fight at the drop of a hat. I used to love to watch somebody, you know, lean on him, and he'd be like this, see him, see to get that look and that glazed look in his eyes, and I'd say, oh, Uncle Joe's going to go nuts on this guy, you know. And he'd fight at the drop of a hat, and most of the time, he threw it down. And another longshoreman, and I'll tell you a funny story about him. He was one of the toughest guys I ever met in my life, and I looked up to him, you know. I wanted to know why he was tough and I was like this. But he got into AA about five years before I did, and he used to call me on the phone, as did my friend who sponsored me, and I'll get into that later. And they'd talk to me, and they'd talk, you know, they'd explain their experience, strength, and hope. And I'd buy into it, man, because I could identify. My uncle used to tell me, Joe, this is a place called AA, I'm going through it for five years now, Joe, it's a better way of life and everything. My friend Tommy, I'm in it a year, life isn't great, but it's better. And I used to be like, yeah, you know. And they'd talk about, my uncle told me a story, he says, you know, Joe, he said, I haven't lifted my hands to anybody since I came into rooms, you know. My sponsor says, you stop that nonsense, you know, we don't live that way anymore. And I says to him, you know, and he says, you know, I want to tell you something. And I never thought it would come from a guy, but this is AA. He says to me, you know, Joe, it's not fun being top dog all the time. He says, it's not fun putting, you know, he says, I used to, you know, when I was younger and I was knocking guys out, it was okay, but as I got older, I wanted it to go away, but I had my reputation. So I had a drink because I don't know who's going to retaliate, whose brother, you know. He says, every time I'd be in a bar having a few drinks and I'd see some young kid looking at me like I'm a gunslinger and he wants to challenge me because I got a reputation, he says. It was the most uncomfortable life I ever led in my life. He says, it was horrible. He says, I'm in AA now. And he was envious of me because he came in when he was 55. I came in when I was 33. He says, you're going to be a lucky man because you'll have, he was about 60 when he was trying to get me into rooms. He says, what you'll learn by the time you're 60 years old, he says, you'll have a wonderful life. I didn't understand what he was talking about. But they'd give me this whole picture I'd identify wholeheartedly. And then they'd mention the God aspect or they'd say, you know, you know, with the grace of God. And fellowship. God. What did he talk, who talked about God? You know, it's so, we're so adverse to the word God when we come in here, it's ridiculous. You know, here I am ruining people's lives, no self-esteem, a coward, but, you know, my life is in shambles. I need help so badly, but the word God will keep me out of the rooms. You know, the only thing that'll save me, he'll keep me out, he'll keep me out of the rooms. Because I'm adverse to the, to even the word. So I, I decided to suffer a little bit longer and I, I, so I didn't take heed to their asking me to come into AA. My friend 12 steps me. He flies in from New York and he didn't come for money, Tommy, but he loved me enough. And as a matter of fact, I spoke to him tonight. Whenever I speak, I always talk to him first. It's like a tradition. And he always, you know, puts me at ease, you know. And he called me, he came and he came to Las Vegas. He surprised me. And, uh, he, uh, after I showed him around and, and, you know, we saw some of the sites, uh, it wasn't much to Vegas in 1983, it was about seven hotels. And, uh, he said to me, I have to go to a meeting, he says, go to a meeting, he says, I don't want to drive. He says, why don't you drive me? I said, Tommy, do me a favor. Take the car, go to a meeting, go to the casino, do whatever you want. Don't bother me with the, you know, I got enough problems. So he says to me, you know, Joe. I don't go to a meeting. He says, it's been a couple of days. I might drink. Now all due respect to all you Irish Americans out there. My friend Tommy, he was the type of guy that he'd have on a six drink. It went from, Hey bartender, can we have a drink to a stupid? Can't you see that? I, you know, I didn't need that. My nerves were shot enough. I didn't need him drinking. So, uh, I decided to take him to a meeting. So I take him to. Sorry. I took him to a meeting. It was the lunch bunch. It was where Arizona Charlie's built on it now, but it used to be a bowling alley. And uh, boy, that was some room all old timers. I was the youngest, one of the youngest guys in the room. And these guys looked like sots. I mean, they had big old ulcerated noses, you know, like the real drunkards with the veins in their nose, like a roadmap of New York city. You know what I'm talking about? I mean, these guys look, you know, they looked like those old guys. I used to like to drink with in the neighborhood. And, uh, so I got in there and Tommy shares, you know, I'm here at Vegas. I'm a visitor. They asked for the visitor and they call on him, you know, what we do, our tradition. And he says, I'm here for Joe. And he pulled my covers. You know, I've been trying to get him in the room for a year. I know he's messed up. You know, we don't need to have to qualify for being an alcoholic. I know he's an alcoholic. You know, they say you have to decide for yourself. He says, I'm deciding for him. You know, Mike, how you doing? Uh, so, uh, they call on me. Oh, he calls. He calls on me. It was the Monterey system. He says, I like to hear from Joe, from Joe. You know, I don't know if Billy was at my first meeting and not, I stood there and I, my name is Joe. Uh, I didn't say alcoholic. I says, I'm just here. I drove Tommy. I can't take my life anymore. I started balling like a baby. I mean, you could have wiped tables with my tears and, uh, after I got done sharing and, you know, won the poor me Academy award, it was, it was, it was pitiful. I really was pitiful. I really, I was sitting there after I got done crying and I said, I'm going to have to move to another state. I turned, you know, I'm sitting there and behind me, and I don't know if a lot of you guys know him. They used to call him the animal, Paul Gross. Paul was sitting behind me. And if anything, anybody know about his, his history, Paul was, he wasn't the nicest of people. And he had five years in the rooms when he decided to tell me this and he wasn't too well then. He was still, you know, we seek progress, not perfection. I hit a guy last night. You know, that's the type of guy he was, but I didn't know him at the time. You know, I'm talking about Tommy. And uh, so he's sitting behind me and he says, we don't feel sorry for you because we hope you lost everything. He says, we hope your wife kicked you out. Your kids hate you. You lost a job and you're living in the gutter. I'm like, wow, these guys are like, this is hot. I've never seen it. So I gave him my best, I conjured up with all that. My best Robert De Niro, who you're talking to look, cause I didn't know, I just thought this guy was being, you know, he's breaking my chops. So I turn around, I give him a look. I looked at Paul. He didn't have teeth then. He just had his teeth, his fangs. And he's standing there like this and I'll never forget. He leans forward like this, like you got a problem with me? And I looked and I, what kind of a madhouse is this? So Tommy had to go back to work. You know, like I said, he didn't come for much money. He did this because it was something that he had to do. And he says to me, Joe, you never finished nothing. He says, nothing in your life. Cause I did a geographic. I ran from New York to here, to Vegas. I was a cop in New York. Don't ask me how. Please don't ask me how. You know, DTs, when I'm 18, 21 swearing in, tell me, tell me they didn't, New York didn't get their money's worth. Yeah. Yeah. And then I became a cop because my father told me I was too stupid to pass the test that me and my father always had that little thing going. So in spite of him, and then, you know, once, once, you know, once you're on the list and everything else like that, and this is the way the alcoholic mind thinks. I'm white knuckling it. I'm only drinking at home and I'm studying and I'm going through the steps and everything, but I'm not going out because if I know I go out, there's going to be DUIs, accidents and everything else like that. So throughout the six month academy, I'm staying home and drinking and just maintaining weekends, getting wiped out. And uh, when it gets closer to me graduating from the academy. Getting off probation, my head tells me, you know, they've got all these rehabs for the cops now because it's become a big issue in New York, you know, cops drunk on the job and everything. So they did. He says, now, if I can get it past, uh, my probationary period and then maybe go another six months, I'll tell him the job drove me to drink like this. You know, the city is going to have to take care of me. That's the way we think. Always looking for an easy way out. So, uh, so I became a cop in New York. Yeah. I mean, you know, I, you know, if I, if only I could find the, make amends to the people that were good being robbed while I was drinking some Bob, you know, in my uniform, but you know, I, I'm not proud of it either. You know, I'm really disgusted with myself. Not anymore because I came to terms with a lot of things that I did like my partner because I had to get well and he says to me, Joe, go get well. I'll watch the post. This is on Times Square. He says, you sure? He says, my hands are shaking. I got to go get a drink. He says, well, go get your drink and I'll meet you out here. And then he gets the crap beat out of him by a bunch of guys. And I wasn't there. Yeah. He's a drinker because you know, after on the way to the hospital, he says, don't even say anything. He says, don't worry about it. It's all right. You know, but I felt bad about that. Not bad enough to stop drinking. I'm in New York. I'm working as a cop. I'm drinking a lot. Let me tell you something. I used to go to all my post assignment. I used to go into stores and everything and they used to have liquor for me, you know, shots and stuff. Not because they thought I was such a nice guy. It was cheap security. If you could load a cop in by giving them a discount or giving them something to drink, you know, the criminals in their case in the place, they're going to say, why is this cop always going into this place? Let's go to another place. And the owners know that, you know, and it's good for me too if you got my disease. But I knew it was time to get out of New York just because I knew I was going to be in trouble. I knew the other shoe was going to fall off my foot. You know, what a mess. I remember there were nights I couldn't even get well until half my shift and I was just getting well. Just starting to feel like, oh, I feel better now. All that first four hours of work worrying about, oh, man, am I going to make it? I'm sick and this and that other thing. And then the other four getting well and saying, I'm glad I made it through that. And then swearing off, I'm going to go straight home, I'm not going to have any drinks or anything else like that and stopping off the barnsters, going through the insanity all over again. So I decided to come out here. I come out here and I told my wife. I says, duh. Oh, I'm married now, by the way, too. Let me tell you something about my wife that it's important that I say this. When I first came at the AA and I used to hear, you know, she's just as sick as you are if she married you, you're right. I can go with that, you know, take the blame off me again, you know. My first sponsor who had 35 years in the rooms, he was a no-nonsense guy. He says, you can blame your wife. He says, but maybe. And he was a wise man. He says, she comes from that strong Italian traditional family. I says, yeah. That when you make the vow of marriage, you stick to it because it's a sacrament. Why? He says, you can look at it that way. He says, yeah. He says, maybe she's married you because she loved you. I says, yeah, that's true, too. And maybe she stuck with you and went with you to Vegas because that was her obligation coming from that type of traditional family. He says, you're right. And all those years that you drank while you were married, those 11 years you were married, you're right. You were married to her and you drank. And her worrying about you and hoping you'd change. And because she was somewhat religious, praying to God that you would change, you know, because that's what they did then. Maybe you drove her crazy. Maybe your drinking drove her a little crazy with all the worry and everything else like that. I told him, you know something, I get the picture. I'm taking the blame. You know what I mean? I'm taking some of the blame for that. And my sponsor, my first sponsor always wanted me in the solution all the time. I'm not saying he was a no-nonsense guy. And sometimes I say the guy, he didn't have much compassion, you know. But the thing was, they just didn't know. Guys that came up with the old school, the 40s and 50s AA, they didn't have self-help books and all the psychology and everything. AA is the way you get better and that's the only way they know. You know, some people say you can't go through the big book verbatim because it's only a book. Well, those people, that was the only book that they had in order to get what they had. And we could only give what we got. And so, what he got and the way he sponsored me was the way he was sponsored. And it was a no-nonsense guy. When my wife and I, you know, you get sober and I don't blame her for this either, when I got sober, my nerves were like banjo strings and all the heartache I put it through, it was her turn, you know. You ain't too tough now, are you, Joe? You know? You know? Breaking my chops and everything, I'm like this. You know? They need that revenge. You know? They need that revenge a little bit. And so, I'd cry to my sponsor and say, you know, Charlie, this girl I'm married to, I don't know, she's driving me nuts and everything else like that. And after about the fourth or fifth time, he'd give me about four or five times now that I remember. I was a newcomer. He'd give me that, he'd give me a pass on about four or five complaints and then he would say to me, Joe, what are you doing about it? I says, what do you mean? He says, you're going to counseling with your wife, aren't you? I says, no. And this is after a year of sobriety, I have to let you know. He gave me a pass for a year. He let me do goofy stuff for at least for a year so he wouldn't chase me out of the rooms. And then after a year, and especially after we did the steps, now you're held responsible for what you do. Now you know the better, the difference between right and wrong. There's no excuses for you. That's the type of guy he was. So I go to him and complain and he'd say, you're getting divorced? I said, no. He says, you must be going to counseling? No. He says, well, I don't want to hear your bull. If you're not in a solution. If you're not doing something about the problems that you're having, he says, don't come to me. He says, this is what he used to say. Billy knows Charlie. He was a gruff old man. He says, go to some other whining AA that's got problems with his wife, the two of you could team up. And that's the way he was. He was the type of guy, I changed shifts one time. You know how we are. If they could, like I said, if they give Academy Awards out for self-pity, we'd all win. I mean, I would anyway. Let me speak for myself. You know, I'd be a four-time Academy Award winner with the way I used to feel sorry for myself. And they changed my shift one time. And I went to him. I says, isn't this something else? I want to miss my favorite meeting and this. And look, why are they doing it to me? And I can't believe this job. He says, Joe. He says, they pay you a salary? He says, yeah. He says, and for the betterment of their establishment, they want you to change a shift? No. No. Yeah, that's true. He says, I understand it all now. He says, I know what you can do. He says, what? Quit. You know, quit. And that's the way he was. And I learned a lot from this man. I really did. He was a no-nonsense. When we used to go on 12-step calls, he used to bring a pint. He used to stop at the liquor store. He says, pick up a pint of whiskey. I says, for what? He says, because the guy we're going to go pick up, you might need it. You know? You know, another thing he used to say in the rooms, he used to sit there with me and somebody would be sharing, somebody else would be sharing, and somebody else would be sharing. And then you'd get a person that would, you see, there was a time when, and I can understand the differences now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not that dick-headed. There is an emotional aspect to this program. You know, you hear people share in the rooms about their emotional well-being and maybe the stress that they're going through. And if you ask me, I was emotional mess. That's why I drank. So part of me being an emotional mess is part of my recovery. But my sponsor, he didn't go in for that because you're from old school. You know, you talk about AA at a meeting. You talk about your drinking. You talk about that other stuff outside the meeting. So when somebody used to bring up, oh, I feel emotional today, Charlie would say to me, yeah, that's some other kind of crazy. But he, uh... He died because he, you know, he was up in age and, uh, that's the way I want to go. You know, I remember him being in the bed and he looking at me and he says, Joe, love AA. Love AA. Up until the end, he was like 85 years old. He was still going on call step calls. And, uh, he's sitting there and he goes, it's dying time, Joe. Like it was nothing. Like it was nothing. Like he had peace, you know? And, uh... So... He, he, uh, he's out of my life now. Now, I go through a series of, uh, of growth spurts in the rooms. I came in desperate and I would do anything you tell me to do. I really, I came, AA and me were like ducked to water. I would do anything they told me to do. I needed this. I wanted this so bad. You told me stay away from the women and I'm not, I stayed away from it. You told me to do this, do that, do that. I did it. I did, you know, I just didn't. I was so desperate when I came in. And, uh... And then about four or five years, I got a little AA under my belt. Things started coming back to me. Started feeling good. You know. My sponsor was sick in the hospital a lot, so I wasn't calling him and, you know, burdening him with what was going on in my life. So I was telling him maybe 60% of what was going on in my life. You should have heard the 40%. Uh... He, he winds up, you know, he died and, and, and, uh... I have about seven years in the rooms. And I'm doing a few things contrary to the principles of the program. But I'm sponsoring four or five guys. And I'm going to meetings around the clock, and... But there are some character defects I don't want to give up. Even though I went through my steps already. You know, I want to keep those because they don't seem to bother me. Well, I knew I needed a sponsor. You know, I knew it's important for me to get a sponsor. So, the next blessing in my life was... And I have no regrets whatsoever, but he's another AA Nazi, and I hope he doesn't take offense to it, because that's what I need. Billy Smith, I asked him to be my sponsor. He gave me the old, it'll be an honor. And, uh, I commenced to tell him what's going on in my life. Billy commenced to tell me. And I love when he does that, too. You can't do those things and stay sober. Ugh! Every time I ran into Billy at a meeting, caught me no slack. You still doing that thing? Billy, I didn't even say hello yet. I'm just asking you, you still doing that thing? Yeah, you'll be drunk. You know, ugh! Well, let me tell you something. The pain. The pain. Is unmerciful. If you think this program's gonna save you, and you're doing things contrary to principle, this guy, anyway. Just, maybe it's me. Because I ain't got the luxury of resentments. I ain't got the luxuries of rationalizing my actions. I ain't got that luxury. It's for other people. I can't do it. I gotta do what this book tells me to do to the best of my ability. And, uh, so, I was going to meetings and everything else like that, but I was crazy. I felt like a hypocrite getting up here and telling you people, this is a great program, my work, you know, and everything. And I knew what I was doing in my private life. And I was walking away from the podiums, or I was working, you know, and I was, like, feeling sick about myself. And so, uh, I discontinued it. You know, I just says, you know, I prayed to God, please remove, please, you know, give me another shot. And, uh, here's another one of my disclaimers. Please, I'm not a goody two-shoes. You know, don't sit there and say, listen to this guy. He walks on water. I don't walk on water. I don't want that pain no more. You know, I don't want that pain no more. You know, I want to look at my friends, you know, you know what's good about me sharing here, speaking here, and I was thinking about this because I was going to tell Bobby I wasn't going to speak because I already spoke two weeks ago at another specific group. Uh, but any time that I share the way I'm sharing, I'm making a commitment that I have to walk the talk because you people know me. You're from my community, you know. You guys are out. You'll see me out there. You'll run into me. And I don't want you telling, you know, did you hear Joe at the meeting the other day? All that flowery bull? You got to see what this guy was like in the supermarket. Told the clerk off and, you know. Another thing that was very a focal point in my sobriety and I wouldn't have known or I wouldn't have heard the message if I didn't have sobriety. About ten years sober, a cousin of mine gets cancer. Uh, and, uh, he was very ill. And this is a knock around kid watching sports, hanging out in the bars. Wasn't alcoholic as far as I knew. Just a regular knock around guy. And, uh, we were real close. When I was first aware of what friendship was all about, he was always in my life. And, uh, his wife called me and says, you better get to New York because Charlie's doing real, real bad. He was only 40 years old. Beautiful kid. You just, what a good looking kid. And, uh, I knew I had to go to New York. But I have no control over what my head says. You know, I like when Billy says, if God is going to judge me by what I think, I'm in trouble. You know? I get the phone call at work. I hang it up. And I remember distinctly how, what my thought process was as well. I says, you know, why has he got to die this year? I wanted to go to Hawaii on my vacation. You know, that's all about me. It's all about me. Then I called the airlines. And this was 15 years ago, 1990. They wanted $700 to fly to New York. That was a lot of money back then. There were loan sharks that were there. They were more lenient in my neighborhood than the airlines. So, I decide, you know, and I'm doing the footwork. I'm going to be there for them, you know? Because I got to try to work this program. Even though up here I don't want to. I know it's good for me, you know? And you know what's funny? My first sponsor, Charlie, when he, he was sponsoring a doctor at the same time he was sponsoring me. I'll never forget this. And he was talking to the doctor. He turned around to the doctor. He says, you know guys, he says, you, it's going to be pretty tough on you because you're an educated man. He says, you're going to question the program. He says, Joe, you're pretty stupid. You'll probably just get it right away. That's the kind of guy he was. So, I go to visit my cousin and we're in the hospital. And I get on the airline. I forgot this story. I get on. It's a night flight, 12 o'clock flight out of here. And I tell the flight attendant, I said, do you have any movies or anything? Oh, not on this flight, sir. You know, being an alcoholic, five hours on a plane and you ain't got nothing to occupy yourself, it's dangerous territory. You know? I'm taking hostages. I'm flying to Cuba. But I made it through that. Now I'm really MFing everybody. You know, I can understand why they hijack planes. Look at the way they charged me to get on, you know. I get there and I go to talk to him and he's laying in the bed. And I want you to understand this. You know, I wouldn't have heard the message. And he's sitting there. And I guess, you know, I hope I have a long time before I have to go through this. But you're near death and you're young like that. You've got a different perspective on things. Your eyes open up. And he says to me, you know, Joe, he says, I'm glad you're here. He says, because I want to leave you with something. You know, I'm so glad you came. And, of course, my head went straight to he saved some money for me. I can't believe what a swell guy. But it wasn't that. In and out of his coma, coming out of his coma, he says to me, you know, Joe, he says, if I could turn my life around, he says, I'd be a better guy. I says, yeah, we all say that, Charlie. He says, no, Joe. He says, I've been reminiscing about things that I've done in the past. And, you know, and he was a good guy. I'm not saying he was a bad guy. He was just a normal person that didn't have to do a 10-step at night, you know. Guys that can go to sleep after they gave somebody the finger, like you said. No, complete impunity. I should have given him the finger and cursed him. So he says to me, you know, Joe, he says, my life changed. You know, he says, do you remember pre-'64 when they had the quarters were made out of solid silver before they started putting copper in them because the coin was worth less than the silver itself? I says, yeah, well, what about it, Charlie? He says, well, my kid was stealing money from me and I punished him. And I remember I grabbed him. You steal from your father and this, that, and the other thing. He says, my kid was never good in sports and stuff. He was always shy. I says, yeah, he was. He says, you know, he was buying ice cream for the kids in the neighborhood with that money. He says, when I caught him, he says, I punished him. I threw him in his room. You steal from your father. You're the lowest form of life. He says, and you know what that was, Joe? I says, I don't know. He says, it was greed. He says, it was greed. I was greedy because I knew that money was going to be worth something. He says, if I would have stopped and counted to ten and looked at things instead of reacting. He says, Charlie, where are you getting this stuff? Because this is AA stuff. This guy doesn't know from high water about AA. He says, no, I've just been doing a lot of thinking. He says, you know, he says, the wife. He says, I remember the time she bought that furniture for the living room and she paid more than I expected her to pay. And I didn't speak to her for about a week. He says, I taught her a lesson. He says, if I could do that. He says, if I could turn back the hands of time. He says, I'd be a different guy. He says, I wouldn't. I'd say, you know, to heck with the money. You know, you like it, honey. You contribute to this house. Buy whatever you want. He says, but why do I? He says, I'm not going to have a chance to see my kids grow up. You know, he says, I'm not going to have a chance to. He says, if they made me, if God made me a homeless person in the street and gave me the opportunity to come, you know, give me back my health, I'd be homeless in the street. You know, as much as important a buck, I'd chase the buck. He says, and I know I'd get back on my feet someday, but I want to see my kids get married, and I want to give back to my wife what she gave to me. And I'm sitting there going, either it's the drugs or he's been reading books by Gandhi. But this is something else. For seven days I stood in his bed, and in between periods of him falling asleep because he was going into a coma, he related this kind of conversation with just looking up and talking to me about it, you know. I'm saying, wow, you know. He says to me, Joe. Life is short. He says, I just want you to know how I feel about how I've lived my life, you know. And I says, don't be so hard on yourself, Charlie. You're a good guy. He says, I could have been better, though. And that's what the book tells me to do. The book tells me to be a better guy. You know, what do I got, about 25 years on this earth, you know? I can't. The wreckage of the past made as many men as I possibly could. I owe a lot more. But I just can't get in touch with those people, you know. You know, little things like maybe my mother and father enjoying themselves watching TV and then I do something goofy in the streets and they get a call from the police and it ruins them, throws the house into an uproar, you know. Playing my mother like a fiddle. My father was slick, hip, and cool. He knew. But my mother with that religious thing, always hope and everything, you know, good person. And I used to play her like a fiddle. When I was in trouble, I'd say to her, Ma. I guess this is going to keep me out of the priesthood. You know? And she would fight with my father. Leave him alone, you know. Let's go pray to St. Jude. I used to pray to St. Jude. Yeah, come on, Ma. Let's go. And I'd pray for hours rather than get a beating from my father. But, you know, look what I did to other people. I got 25 years left on this earth, I think. I hope. And if I do, I want to make a difference. I really do. I want to be a better person. You know, I hear guys, sometimes guys in a room. The other day I was at a meeting with this guy. He was sharing that two of his employees, one of them made a mistake. And it was like a little conference they were having. And he kind of got, because money was involved and they lost a little money in the business. He got down on this guy. And he was, you know, sharp-tongued. You know? He insulted him in front of the other employees. And this AA guy, he was sharing at the meeting. He says, you know, I owe this guy an amends. And I know I'm not going to do that anymore. I shouldn't have made a public forum out of it. I should have brought him to the side and I should have spoke to him. And there was another guy in the room. You know? And this guy had more time than me. He says, listen, let me tell you something. If I was going to change everything in my life, I'd be crazy by now. You know? You don't just, you can't, sometimes you've got habits and you've got obsessions and stuff. They just don't go away. And I'm thinking to myself, I just, I don't think I read that in the book anywhere. You know? It's always talking about love and patience and tolerance and the 11-step prayer. You know, I'd rather be understood than to understand. I'd rather understand than be understood. I'd rather love than be loved. I'd rather, you know, and it's, that's what I'm reading in the book. You know? You know, I sponsor guys in their rooms. And I'm a little like my old sponsor, but I'm a different generation. So I'm a little compassionate. But when I see guys, and you know, and women too, taking advantage of other people and things like that, and I'm sponsoring them, I'm saying, look what you're doing. You're driving your car. You're driving your wife crazy. Move out of the house or stop the fight. And he says, you know, and then there was a guy I sponsored one time and he was a little abusive with his wife physically. I says, listen to me. Either you get another sponsor or I'm calling Metro. I'll have you arrested. He says, what kind of AA is this? I says, it's my AA. I says, I can't see you beating up your wife and saying we seek progress, not perfection. You know? You know, you know, and I give credit where credit's due. And don't think this is a Billy Smith roast, but I give credit where credit's due. A lot of this I got from the book. A lot I got from Billy. Billy didn't cut me no slack and I'm glad he didn't. You know, there were times when I used to try to avoid him. Billy, what meeting you going to? When I was doing things contrary to principles of the program. What meeting you going to? I'm going to the men's stag. All right, maybe I'll meet you there. Nah. You know? Remember when I used to do that? I used to see his car in the lot and I knew I was still doing something I shouldn't be doing. Drive out, go to another meeting. But, you know, so with my cousin, I wouldn't have gotten the message, you know. When I flew back home from that, from being with him for a week, I'll never forget. It was like, you know, it was like a spiritual, you know, what do I call it? Spiritual awakening. See how I need Billy in the front seat? I'm on the plane and I'm flying back and it's got all the frills on this flight. It's got the movies. It's got, you know, the earphones and everything. And when she asked me, she says, Sir, would you like to purchase? No, no thanks. And I looked at myself for five hours and had like a comfort that I talked to this kid and that he bestowed all that good information. And I looked at her and I said, When you get back to Vegas, things are going to be different. You're going to be a different guy. Not only are you going to work AA and whatnot, but you're going to treat people different. You're going to treat your... I got divorced at AA. You know, my wife and I, the wife that I told you about, that traditional Italian girl, we finally got divorced. It just wasn't working out. And we went to a counselor. And it was her counselor, as a matter of fact. And I do this to qualify. And during the course of the counseling sessions, we went for like three months, the counselor says, Where kids are involved, I usually don't suggest this, but you two should split. I don't think there's any hope for this marriage. And we split. So I was talking to a few guys in the rooms and they were telling me, You know, end outside of my job. You know, get your lawyer. You got a life of your own. You got this. You got that. You know, she ain't going to take your pension. She's not going to do... She's not going to do that. Yeah, yeah. I'm listening. You know, you're right. I deserve something, too. I'm not a doormat. That's another thing I like in the room. Seeing that doormat thing. You know? And Billy says to me, he says, So what's the story with your wife? I said, No, I'm going to go through a divorce. I got to get this lawyer because she's coming after me with... I think she's going to, you know, come after me pretty hard. He says to me, he says, Why don't you find out what she's entitled to legally? Because there's only the right statutes. You can only get so much money. Yeah. You know, for the kids and everything. And give her a little bit more. I said, You out of your mind. You ain't give her more. You know? He says, I said, What about me, Billy? He says, What about you? He says, You got your life back in AA. That's all you... When you first came in the rooms, the first time you walked in, did you make, Well, I want this, I want that, I want something else, you know, as part of my sobriety, the promises and everything? No. I says, When I came in, I just wanted to stop drinking. That's all I wanted to do. And anybody else with any other obsessions that you might have, even though you're sober, you got other things going on. You had like internet and stuff like that. You know? Yeah, guys. Yeah. They're all looking like this. You know? You know what I'm talking about. And he says, You got your life back, you know? And I says, I just wanted to get relieved of the obsession to drink. And when that was lifted, you know, then I wanted more, of course. But he says, You got your life. God gave you back your life. And I says, You know, you're right. You're absolutely right. So I did give up. Tonight, I called her up because I've been saying this at the podium for a while. And I says, Marie. I says, I want to ask you something. I says, Because I don't want to tell any untrue tales at the podium. I says, When we divorced, was I a generous husband? She says, You were. I says, Did I give you more than you deserved for the divorce? Anything you want that I gave you? She says, You absolutely did. She says, Unconditionally. She didn't use those words. But, you know, I figured you'd understand it better. She says, Unconditionally. She says, Unconditionally, you gave me whatever I wanted. I says, Thank you. I just want to know. Because when I speak at the podium, I don't want him. I don't want, you know. She says, If anybody doubts you, have them call me. That's what she said. And I felt good about that. You know, as a result of AA, I got, my kids are wonderful. They grew up with milk and cookies on the table, my kids. You know, my kids don't know about the type of lives that we led when we were running and gunning. They grew up playing soccer and baseball and, like, leave it to Beaver. They really did. You know, and that's a great thing. And, but it's funny. I would love to tell my kids someday. They think I'd have two heads if I said to them, You know, everything you have in life, Anthony, you're a successful accountant. And Daniela, you know, you're joining a police force and whatnot. And, you know, your kids are going to be successful. It's all due to AA. AA gave you the lives. They'd think I was crazy. They would actually think I was crazy. So, I think I covered most. I got to end it. It's almost 25 after. I'd like to end it with this. I went to see Private Ryan about four times. Loved the movie. And whenever I spoke to anybody. Oh, you liked it too? And when I saw the movie, the best part of the movie to me. And I'd ask people, What was the best part of the movie? Oh, the beginning. The fight scene. Climbing up Normandy Hill. Oh, yeah. Oh, some of the women said Vin Diesel. You know, that was the best part of the movie for you. The best part of the movie to me where I really got like shocked is when he turned around to his wife. And he says, You know something? He says, I want to ask you something. And she looked at him. He looked at him in his eyes. He says, Was I a good man? In other words, was it worth the sacrifices that these men took in order for me to have my life? And she says, Yes, you were. Now, I'm sitting here thinking. I says, You know, this is like AA. You know, you guys, AA is like the Army. It really is. And you guys are the soldiers. And you saved my life. You know? You saved my life. And for whatever time I have left on this earth, I want to be an example of AA for what you did for me. So when somebody says, Did you live a good life? I'd say, You know, I think I did. Thank you for letting me share. Thanks for listening.