His Higher Power Looks Like the Oracle from The Matrix – Steve R.

our speaker for the night. We got this thing in AA, it's called a big book. It's where the program of AA is outlined. If you're anything like the alcoholic that's described in the big book, just not drinking, we go into meetings, we'll not achieve any sort of sobriety for you, right? And in that big book where the program is outlined, it says, well, something like this. If you have a drinking problem, we hope that you may pause in hearing this story at night and think one of three things. Yes, that happened to me, or more important, yes, I felt like that, or most important, yes, I believe this program can work for me too. I'm going to have Carl come up and introduce our speaker. How you guys doing? My name is Carl, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Carl. It is my pleasure tonight to introduce my buddy Steve. If you don't hear anything he says tonight, hear this. The universe is a safer place. I'm going to have a little bit of a conversation with Steve Sober. I can promise you that. Steve is a good buddy of mine, and he just moved here from California a few months ago. And so I don't know him all that well, but I've had some time to sit with Steve and get to know him. And he's one of the most honest and direct people I've ever met. He has an intensity that very few people will ever touch, but at the same time, a calmness that very few people will ever touch. And it's been an honor for me to get to know him. And, you know, we go to the same meeting, and we've got to spend some time together, and it's just been an honor to get to know Steve. And it's been a blessing for Steve and his wife since they moved out here. They've really hooked up with a lot of people that I know. So I've had a chance to really see them a lot and see Steve and spend some time with him. And he's just a great guy. He really is. He works steps on a regular basis. You know, he's just a guy that on the paper, he shouldn't be sober. You know what I mean? Like, logically, like, a guy like that shouldn't be sober. And he's got a long time sober, and he helps a lot of people. And he's just an amazing man. And with that, I'll give you Steve. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! My name's Steve. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Steve. Hey, Steve. Is this thing on? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just put it in my pocket. It'll be a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be a short message. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was a penis joke. Wow. Great to see you all tonight. And I'm a little bit nervous, and that's just because my ego wants you guys to like me and let's total bullshit if you don't like me it wants you to think what I think you should think of me can you relate to that so I've got that going for me my sobriety date is March 6 2002 I've gone through the steps a number of times not that's not bragging just telling you it is what it is and that's what I need to stay sober I heard a guy I think his name was murderer bill he was in jail for 30 years and I think he had the same amount of time as 40 years of sobriety he died and they called him murderer bill for a reason the I'm gonna tell you some things tonight and I'm not bragging I'm not bragging I'm not bragging I'm not bragging I'm not bragging I'm not bragging I'm not lying and I wish I could say I had a bunch of divinely inspired shit happened to me but I haven't so I'm gonna talk about this book and I'm gonna talk about God and I'm probably gonna say fuck a lot so anyway the I was born pretty close not I was born right up the road about a hundred and fifty miles away and I started drinking early I can't I don't remember the how old I was when I had my first drink I don't remember how old I was when I smoked my first cigarette I don't remember how old I was the first time I smoked a joint I do remember how old I was the first time I took pills though because I had to ask some questions hey Jane have a seat so I'm glaring at the supported porn brand incorporating the fairadoma and you have to keep trying to understand what you did the third time because all your friends are just shy to me and when they ask me mom that's when we three drunk was brought in we always knew and a lot of Jarrah Jim'siani I've been to really changed my cómo what I go no longer issue but the talked about Indians that Wars every tea you remember you thought I hated it hey it was a book and I felt like I'm gonna be on the feet or a little on his bottom It's a lot better than it used to be. You know, I've got more of a buzz from God and doing the deal than I ever thought possible. And it's available to you too. It just takes a little bit of work. It's not fun all the time, but it's a lot funner than it used to be. So I've tried to convince myself for the majority of my life how different I was from everyone else. I always felt different. And I've had some instances happen to me, and so has everybody else. But the catalyst, or what started my serious drinking and using and my serious amount of self-loathing was when I was nine years old, I accidentally shot and killed my cousin. We were playing inside of a house, and we lived with a bunch of motorcycle enthusiasts, who sold drugs and had guns and did all that shit that people do in that situation. So he didn't die right away. I used to tell myself the gun just went off. You know, that's bullshit. A gun's a tool. It doesn't just go off. I just repressed that memory of pulling the trigger. So that's a bit of truth that I've uncovered, and it's not. It's not fun to stand up here and tell you that stuff. But the reality is I want to be free of that. Because that's one of those things, I think, that separates me from you, which is nonsense, and that's going to make me drink. And maybe you hear something that you can relate to, and maybe you'll do the deal and get sober and stay sober. So I started selling pot at 10. I started selling cocaine at 12. And I didn't really have, I didn't have friends. I had people that I associated with because of the services they could provide. They either had cars or they were bigger, stronger guys, and they could collect or whatever. So my drinking and using just went on like that every single day. And for whatever reason, I ran through the raindrops. I never got caught. And about the time I was 17, I had acquired a group of knuckleheads I cruised around with. And a couple of those guys got hurt real bad. A couple guys went away. And... I had to get out of where I lived. So I got rid of everything I had. That's a lie. I sold it. And then I went into the military. I found the hardest special forces that the American military can offer. I was fortunate. Ten days out of high school, I went to Navy boot camp. And then after that, I went to BUDGE training, which is SEAL training. I'm not saying that to orally inflate myself. It's just part of the fucking story. So I did that from the time I was 19 until the time I was 29. I was stationed at two different SEAL teams. And during that time, I drank and used. I drank and used every day. Every day that I could. I mean, there's some times that you're underway on submarines and you're underway doing other stuff and it's not physically possible. I mean, the corpsman has Demerol and shit and maybe he'll hook you up. If he's your pal. But that's what I did. And I drank and used nonstop. And I had innumerable alcohol-related incidents. I wrecked cars, got in fights. I was a liberty risk. And at the end of my ten years in the military, I wasn't allowed to leave the barracks unless I had two guys with me. And the guys didn't want to go because every time we go out with you, something bad happens. And, you know, I've always been the shortest guy, just the way it is. And when they put you in rooms with the biggest dudes and the biggest dudes don't want to go because you're a knucklehead and something's going to get broken. There were so many red flags that I just ignored. And it's, I'm just lucky to be standing here today. So in 98, I got out and started a commercial real estate company. And I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. And was successful. I showed up the same time, same place every day and did that stuff. Acquired buildings, acquired staff. The whole time I drank and used. And I hired guys that didn't have a problem going back and forth to Mexico for me. And they would get Coke and they would get five or six hundred Vicodin at a shot. And I would pay them time and a half, hundred miles to go down and buy it and hook me up. So I basically had my... I had my dealers employed by my company for me. So I need to say I didn't get a bunch of work out of those guys. And that's just the way it was. And the 9-11 happened and I was, I'm an Arab speaker and I have a bunch of time in and out of the Middle East. And I was completely useless. I couldn't do anything. I was totally addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was... just sick and shaking and sweating. And I would drink and use so I couldn't do anything except lay down and sweat. That was the only thing I could do. And so we were attacked. And then I got telephone calls because of my associations. And I couldn't do anything because I was completely useless. And about a month after that, I had a series of ODs. And I went to the emergency room. And I came out of about a five-day... blackout in Las Vegas. I was trying to buy a bunch of people I didn't know. And I had a couple more pistols and a little bit more money and some more of everything else that I didn't take with me. So I called my wife at the time and told her what was going on. And my brother-in-law was also my doctor. So went, got hooked up in the hospital and I woke up a couple of days later strapped to the bed with a giant dude sitting there. I was like, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. And he was sitting there beside me, who would not let me lose. And I'm glad he didn't because I just would have got up and went out and drank. So they took me to the rehab facility. And I remember getting at the rehab facility and we walk in. It's like Ozzy Osbourne. I'm like, where's the fucking bar? I can't see it. You know, I'm fine with getting off of coke and pills and pot, but where's the fucking bar? Are you kidding? There's no birthday party for me here. I'm gonna bounce. So it didn't take, obviously. I had a, they had an orderly assigned to me for the first two weeks of my stay. You can imagine what. He was about probably six, four, maybe 320. Just an enormous dude. And he hung out. He hung out with me for two weeks, you know, too. I don't know, because they thought it was a good idea. And right when he split, I called a guy who worked for me. We'll just call him Freddy. And I said, hey, man, I'm in a hospital. I need you to hook me up. And he's like, boss, you're in a hospital. I can't. I said, dude, you need to bring me a fucking Oscar or yo right now. Or I'm coming to your fucking house and I'm gonna kill everybody. I'm gonna burn your fucking house down. He said, all right, boss. I'll be there in 30 minutes. So that's, hey, that's, that's a true story. The, well, I was so consumed with self-centered fear and ego that if he wouldn't do that for me, then I would have stole a car or done something stupid and ended up in more trouble. But my addiction was convinced that I needed to feel something other than what I was feeling. So that's what it made me do. I'm sure. I'm sure you can relate on some instances that you've done something you didn't want to do because you wanted to get high or drunk or you wanted to feel different. So that's what I did. So Freddy came back, hooked me up, and I wasn't sober. And on March 5th, had a conversation with somebody who was, had been nicer to me than anyone had my entire life. And he said, I think you're still drinking. You're still using. And I want you to go get a urinalysis. I said, yeah, fuck you. I don't care what you think. I'm not doing it. And then that second I realized, you know what? I'm completely, completely controlled by drugs and alcohol. Just consumed with it, not, you know, I would say to people when I first started doing the steps, I would ask them when I was qualifying them, have you ever scratched until you bled just because it felt good? And if they couldn't say yes, I said, you know what? Then you can't do it. You don't have the same thing that I have. Because that's what I have. That's what my addiction does to me. So I did end up getting sober on March 6th, 2002. It's the day after that conversation. And then I went and I took a urinalysis every other day for two years. And I'm not saying that because I'm a good person. I'm saying that because I'm devious. I'm a manipulator. And I'll do whatever I can to get what I think I need. And at that point in time, it was what my addiction thought I needed. Which has never been the answer. And the, started going to meetings. I worked the steps to the best of my ability. And then I had a couple, about a year sober. And then Iraq started being what Iraq is. And I started doing some private military contracting. And the whole time I was doing private military contracting, I was doing commercial real estate stuff. And going back and forth. And I still haven't been drinking. I have been acting out in other areas. And maybe you can relate. Maybe, maybe it's working out too much. Or maybe it's shopping too much. Or maybe it's driving too fast. Or driving too slow. Or maybe it's seeking attention from other people. Or people that you shouldn't be getting attention from. Or maybe it's being a jerk to people. So I was acting out like that until 2007. And then. I had made the plan to where I was going to kill myself. But I was getting there. I was completely unhappy all the time. I was mean to everybody. And I was acting out in ways where it should have been blatant to the people that I was associated with. And it wasn't. So then I started doing this work as it's outlined in this book. For the first time. And this is a sheet of things here that Bob gave me. That actually Lindsey gave to Bob. There are a bunch of great comments about these two. That's not true. No, anyway. In this book it says. It's a story of how many thousands have recovered from alcoholism. Recovered. Now that's amazing. Because I had it bad. I didn't think. The only answer for me was dead. And I was okay with that. That's as worse. Dead is as worse as it's going to be. I'm good. You know. Something will finally end this nonsense that I'm feeling. This sense of self-loathing. And I'm fortunate I'm in a relationship with somebody who's in the program. It's been a fucking absolute miracle in my life. And we pray and we meditate. And I steal a bunch of her material. But the. I have delusions of mediocrity. So if everybody would worship me. Then I would feel just good enough about myself that I could crawl in here. That was the amount of self-loathing I was carrying around with me. And that's what my addiction was doing for me. I couldn't drink enough. I couldn't smoke enough. I couldn't snort enough. I couldn't do anything enough. To feel like I was in a relationship. I couldn't do anything enough. To fill that void. That God void that I had going on. And I was just convinced that I was so much different than everyone else. You know. I couldn't. I couldn't buy enough buildings. I couldn't buy enough houses. I couldn't make enough connections. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do that. That's. It's like having a. A trash can without a bottom on it. And that's what I was doing. Using everything I could to fill that up. And I just couldn't do it. So. Fortunately this book has helped me out a great deal. And in this book. You'll see in the beginning. They used to have a circle and a triangle. And that. Was removed in 1994. And it's an ancient spiritual symbol that means mind, body and spirit. Whole. I mean that's a big deal to an alcoholic like me. And a drug addict. To be whole. To be able to feel that. Just be okay. Now I was searching for that. Trying. Trying to get the chemistry just right. You know trying to. Just enough coke. Just enough lichen. Just enough vodka. And then when. I started getting a little too sketchy on that. Maybe a little bit more vodka. I mean. Just trying. Just trying to get it right. And you know. And then. Also in this book it says there is a solution. I was like. A solution finally. You know. Because. After four days I start to hallucinate. You know. I said what's the solution to that. You know. Well. When they said. You don't have to feel this way anymore. I said. How's that possible. When they. Well don't drink. Well. Now you're just being crazy. But anyway. In that triangle. Unity. Service. And recovery. And unity. They're talking about this. The fellowship. How we support each other. How we help each other out. We agree. That we're here to help other. Alcoholics and drug addicts recover. Service. Not that. Renting these places. And having them. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. So. We're not going to be having these places. And cleaning up. And picking up your cigarette butts. And making coffee. And driving people to meetings. Isn't important. What's really important is taking people through the steps. I. Am fortunate. I'm in this situation right now. I'm trying to help this guy out. And he keeps calling me while. While he's hammered. And you know what. You need to call me when you're sober. Before you drink. Because if you're willing to do the deal. Then I'll do anything for you. But if you're just going to call me when you're drunk. I mean wait. and recovery recovery spam in this book body mind and spirit we all know what that is okay this is a textbook so means you read it and you study it you do it in order and then you're gonna forget shits you have to do it again I mean I am anyway I don't know maybe you're maybe you're different I don't know but I was I was convinced how different I was for a long time I had done all these things I was completely completely driven and consumed and absorbed with self-centered fear I lived my whole life on fear and you're thinking what are you kidding but no I absolutely did I was a drug dealer because I was afraid I went to seal training because I was afraid I was point man of war platoons because I was afraid I was afraid everybody's gonna find out how afraid I was you I'm fucking what somebody's gonna see the truth somebody's gonna see who the dude is behind the curtain that fucking way no way I'm willing willing to do anything suffer whatever the suffering is so you don't have to see what the truth is how I feel about myself and I'm willing to do it and now that means getting up and talking to people and hoping they can see that there's some God in me regardless of all that other nonsense so it's doesn't make the world better or as simple as that coming out of your body if that we learn something that seems outfit is become part of our completed set in me because we are alive qualquer form of the physical body you have employees and속 reiterate because if we maintain our ability to keep not around a concept if we keep going toward we have solutions therefore we have people to turn around we have inroads wepl trapar defensive 다시 is alcohol, drugs, or anything else that will take me out of feeling how I'm feeling. So I don't have to feel anything because I'm more afraid of having a feeling than I am of anything else. At least that's been my experience. And then the spiritual malady. Always convinced that something outside is going to fix me. And you know what? That's not the truth. I've searched. I've searched all over the place. And it's not going to. The only thing that will is this book and God. And I used to hate that. Come to AA meetings, what's another fucking God meeting? Seriously. Are they getting money from the church? How's that working? I was so brilliant. This has to be, this is a side door into the Bible or something or some other, or whatever religion you're calling it. And trust me, I'm no fan of organized religion. I've seen what it can do on a global scale. And spirituality, I'm in that organized religion. I'm a little shy of that stuff. And a mental obsession. My mental obsession is me. I'm completely obsessed with myself. It's true. Tell me you can't relate to that, right? I'm the only one who has that one. I'm convinced that my life is supposed to look like this. It's supposed to look like this at 17. It's supposed to look like this at 25. It's supposed to look like this at 32. It's supposed to look like this at 40. It sure does. Convinced that, convinced that I'm supposed to feel great every second of every day, regardless. And you know, life isn't like that. Somebody is going to step on your neck. Somebody is going to try and take your lunch money. Somebody is going to be an asshole. Somebody is going to cut you off in traffic and doing this work. You know, you don't have to pull that guy out of his car. You don't have to slam your car into his. You don't have to act like a jerk because the person in the line in front of you has 11 items instead of 10. Okay, now I'm going to go through the steps because that's what got us here. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives have become unmanageable. How are you kidding me? Powers? Seriously. I traveled here and I've done this. I've gone all over the planet and done stuff, but I can't drink alcohol and use drugs like a normal human being. No, you can't. But the reality is I'm powerless over everything. Only thing I'm not powerless over is my attitude now because I can pause, say, you know what? Because everything, my first thought is just wrong about everything. Every single thing. My first thought, you know, I just stop. They have a thing out here with 10 step buddies. We'll get into that where you're having a problem and you call someone that's new to me. So that's stopping and pausing. That's good stuff. So that's what we're doing. Two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. A power greater than me. Hmm. When I work with guys and they have trouble, with this, with the God word and think you have trouble believing there's a power greater than you. Okay, well then fly around the fucking room, you know, or breathe underwater. Yeah, seriously, have trouble believing that there's a power greater than you. I am. I'm going to reason I'm laughing because I had it bad and or, or my favorite one. Take a, take a fork and stick it into a light socket and tell me that there isn't a power greater than me. I don't recommend you do that, but I mean, that would be funny. You're so convinced that you're invincible that, but the reality is you don't have power over that first drink and hopefully you'll do the steps and you'll get over it. Decision number three made a decision to turn our will in our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. But you know, that's a tough one decision. You know, I made a decision. In July when Bob asked me to come up here and speak, sure, I'll do it. And August. Sure, I'll do it. September. Sure, I'll do it. October. You know what? Fucking here we are. We're doing it. That's a decision. You can make a decision. That's great, but you've got to take the action. You know, everybody can make a decision. I, the last step study we were at, they said two frogs decided to jump into the water from a log. How many are there to exactly? They decided they didn't do it. So that's the way I see it. And the people I've worked with seen it also. I could, I could fill this up with, with those filler noises like the, uh, and the like, I can't do that. I did. I did take notes and I prepared because I care about the water. I care about the message. I care about the program. Even though I've never met 98% of you people. I mean, it's the fact that you're here and not drinking or out using or not being consumed with yourself. That's a miracle in itself. And I'm glad you're here. I hope you stay. Okay. Third step. I had trouble with the third step, obviously. And the reason is because I'm selfish and self centered. I wasn't convinced. That any life run on self will could hardly be a success because I had experienced success. I had succeeded in organizations where there was a high attrition rate. I had succeeded in business. I had all the crap you're supposed to have to be successful. And I wasn't, I was completely empty. I was completely empty. I hated who I was. I hated everything that I was associated with. And, I was just a miserable, miserable person. So, I don't recommend that, but that's where I was. Now we're on to the fourth step. Searching. That's a good one. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. No, I didn't want to do that. Because the first time I did it, the individual explained it to me that I should write down all the stuff that I did. That I felt kept me separated from everyone else. And that's a long line of nonsense. You know, I stole this when I was three or whatever. Who the hell knows? But, I mean, all that crap you think that separates you from everyone else. This is about your resentments. This is about the people that you're mad at. That's my understanding. And whether that's ten people, whether it's a hundred and ten or two hundred and ten, whatever it is, write those people down. And go through the resentment inventory on them so you can be free of that. Because you can't take enough poison and kill somebody else. You can't. And that's what's going on. That person's occupying space inside your head. And you're getting angrier. That person, place, or thing, organization, whatever it is. And you're using that resentment to damage yourself. Now, go ahead. Using that resentment to damage yourself. And at some point in time you're going to use that. Is that Carl? Go ahead! Go ahead, man, we can wait. My brothers didn't have my rear. Who was that? No, but you're going to use that to act out. Because resentment, they say right here in the book, it's the number one offender. And if you think it won't kill you, you're mistaken. Because something's going to happen, you're holding onto that. It's like you're in prison. You're holding onto like a piece of steel as a weapon. At some point in time you're going to need that. And that's the reason you're fighting, because it's a weapon. You're holding on to that. to need that. So you're holding on to it and you're sharpening it up and sharpening it up and sharpening it up and then sooner or later you're going to pull it out and bam that's the reason I need to go drink or go use or act out in whatever way. And it's been my experience, not my opinion, that after that first thing happens then two is okay and then four is okay and then sixteen and then whatever sixteen increases to exponentially because I don't have my calculator up there but that's what's going to happen. And with the fourth step comes other inventories. It's your sex inventory. Go ahead and giggle. No, no giggles. Awesome. Now people normally giggle about that because they think, haha, we said sex. Yeah, we did. But what we're talking about is your relationship because some people will go through the steps in different ways and they think that you should have sex. You should have sex. You should have sex. You should have sex. You should have sex. You should have sex. Or if you want to go more than just having sex for some time you want to go after them. Probably more than that. Alright and then this is my lastagogic conversation that I want to share with you in one take is to ?read this f***g summary and then you don't have to look around until you find your own answer. I don't want to sell my phone to you for an excess of time, for too long and bear coming back and so That was a fucking huge one for me. Absolutely. They're talking about a hundred forms of fear. I had so many forms of fear, it's just insane. And I continue to go through the steps. I continue to write down resentment inventories. I continue to write down fear inventories. Not because I'm a super healthy person. I'm getting better. But that's just because I do the work. And when you stop doing the work, it's like you quit exercising. And the next day, it's okay. You know, well, your disease doesn't quit exercising. Your disease longs for you like the worst, the worst obsessive relationship you've ever had is how your disease longs for you. And it waits. And it does pull-ups. And it hangs. And it does sit-ups while it's hanging. And the second that you're not paying attention, it's anxious to bite a chunk of skin out of your face. It's waiting. It's waiting. No, you're laughing. Tell me it's not. Because when you go back out there, it doesn't get any better. It doesn't. It's maybe, what, it was a half a fifth of vodka the first time. And then you're out in minutes two. And then you're telling yourself, well, I'm not going to do this. Well, you're doing ten times that. And it doesn't get any better. And then you get dead. At least that's been my experience with people I've worked with. And I've seen people die of this disease. Step six. Step seven. Step seven. Step seven. Step seven. Step seven. Step seven. Step six. I'm jumping around. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. See, that's funny. I love that. All right, God, I'm ready. Remove these defects. Who the fuck are we to decide what our defects are? I mean, there's a bunch of stuff about myself I don't like. You know? I'm short, skinny, ugly, not real intelligent. There's a bunch of shit I would change. But the reality is, God decides what your defects are. You know, because you might have something, or you might have an experience that can help somebody else. That can help somebody else recover from this disease. Because each one of us has had a unique experience. I mean, granted, we're all humans, and we have a relatively limited menu. But we've all had unique experiences. So, that's what they're talking about. Because what I might think is a defect might help someone else. Like my constant thinking. Yeah. My constant cursing in this church might help someone. Seven. Humbly ask them to remove our shortcomings. I've done that. And that, like I said, that's up to God to decide what your shortcomings are. That's a continual piece of work. And your sponsor will show you how to do that. And you'll work through it. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Step eight. There's some humility in that. And as you go through your fifth, sixth, and seventh step with your sponsor, you'll have the list of people that you owe amends to. And just because you think you owe amends, or you want to be clear on something, that doesn't mean it's necessarily true. So, you might think I've done this. I harmed this person in this way. But that person seeing you is going to make them feel negative. Or whatever. Or you think you need to do this so you can be clear on your side of the street. Well, that's ego. So, my point is, make sure that you bounce this stuff off your sponsor. Somebody that's done the steps a few times. And somebody that has experience in that particular situation. Not their opinion. Action over insight and experience over opinion. Because everybody has an opinion. And you know what? Nobody gives a fuck. . I mean, somebody might. But hopefully not the person you're working the steps with. Nine. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible. Except when to do so, it would injure them or others. And there is a lot of humility in that. And I have had good experiences with that. And I've had bad experiences with that. I have had to make amends to an advocate. I've had to make amends to an ex-wife. I've had to make amends to in-laws. I've had to make a series of amends to my teenage daughters. And they don't remember when I drank and used. But they remember the divorce. And they remember me leaving. And they remember the conversations up to that and the conversations after that. And... . Having the conversation with somebody who's upset with you. Owning your part in it. And apologizing. And just listening to what they have to say. . The humility in that. And the spiritual experience in that. Is... It's painful. But it's worth it. And I don't know if you're anything like me. But I don't learn anything unless it's painful. It's got to hurt. And if it doesn't hurt, I don't learn it. You know, it's like a boxer. You've got to take six or seven shots to the head before you put your hands up. And then six or eight more before you decide to, you know, bob and weave. I mean, that's just the way it is for me. Ten. Continue to take personal inventory. And when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. How's that? When we were wrong, promptly admitted it. I don't know about you, but it's... I didn't like being wrong at first. And the... And the reality of that situation is, I'm wrong most of the time. And you know, that's okay. And it also says on page 84, with step 10, which is a great step. Because after you've done the work and you get to step 10, then these are action items that you get to do all the time. You get to walk around. I'm not saying that you're going to do the steps and you're going to be the Dalai Lama. That's just not going to happen. I mean, maybe it will. You know, good for you, I hope. But that's just... It's like you... I heard somebody say like a... That we're like onions. There's layers and layers and layers. And that's all fine and good. I wish they'd have picked a cooler vegetable or whatever. But there are layers. And the more times you read this book, the more times you do these steps, the more things you'll see. And I've been fortunate. I'm in a home group. And we're in the book. And we do the work. So step 10. Continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. It says our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. It should continue for our lifetime. I hope I'm lucky enough to continue to practice these steps during my lifetime. Because I know the... I know the experience I was having when I wasn't practicing these steps in my life. And I wasn't drinking and using. But I was just horrible. I was horrible to be around. And I don't ever want to go back there. And I hope you have a similar experience. The 11th step. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God. And I hope you have a similar experience. And I hope you have a similar experience as we understood him. I'm going to say that again but that's important. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God. As we understood him. I had a problem at first. Because of my religious experience. Everybody said that God was supposed to look like this. Or go 지's supposed to look like that. Or God's going to be mad at you for doing anything that's fun. I don't know about you, but that doesn't work for me very much. So, right now, if I had to put a human form on my God, it would be... Everybody's seen The Matrix, right? The Oracle from The Matrix? That lady who's smoking cigarettes and baking cookies? Because my God has seen some shit. My God doesn't look like Charlton Heston. Now he doesn't have a long white beard, he's not going to be mad at me for masturbating. I'm just saying. That's what works for me. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Okay, I skipped something. Pardon me, I'm going to go back to page 84 through 88. Because there is a simple set of instructions here that even I can understand. And if I can understand them, I know you can understand. On page 86, we're talking about the 10th and 11th step here. On page 85, it says, Step 11 suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy in this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works if we have the proper attitude and work at it. It would be easy to be vague about this matter. Yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions. And that says, When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. We were resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid. Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves that should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of others? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others? Of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection. For that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review, we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. Then right after that, it says, On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. Now, because I'm pretty dense. And it says, When we retire at night. And then it says, On awakening. Now, I retire at night. I retire at night every night. And now that I don't drink and use anymore, I wake up every day. I mean, it's not coming out of a coma somewhere. You know, why can't, why am I strapped down? This sucks. You know, it's like, well, great, another day. So, I would recommend that you read that every day. And, at first it's going to be tedious. And it's going to be an irritation. But, it'll definitely make things easier for you. And, it's been my experience. Okay, back to step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. In all our affairs. What do you think that means? Exactly. That's everything. That's everything you do every day. You're like, what? Are you kidding me? Everything I do every day. Yep. That's it. Yep. Everything you do every day. And, it's doable. I'm not saying that you're going to be perfect at it, right out of the gate. But, it's definitely worth it. And, my life has changed dramatically. What time am I done, Bob? It's 10 till. 5 till? Yeah. Good. So, I'll try and wrap this up. So. I hope you got something out of that. I hope that my character defects maybe have benefited you in some way. I don't have as many as I used to. Unless you talk to Doreen, she might disagree. But, no. All kidding aside, the reality of this situation is we have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state. And, hopeless means you're going to die. And, that's what's waiting for you out there. Because, I don't remember anybody asking why I wasn't at the Delish House, or anybody asking why I wasn't at X bar. But, if you don't go to a couple of meetings, people in your home group are going to be like, hey, what the hell is going on? Why are you not here? You need help? Talk to one of those people in your home group. They'll help you out. It's not like you're going to be able to get a job. It's like you're going to be able to do what you want, and you're going to be able to get a job. And, it's not going to be easy. It's going to be a lot of work. You're going to have to get a job. You're going to have to get a job. They're going to have to come up with something for you. And, I do have a home group. It's Spearheads. And, we do the steps, and we do the work. And, we'd love for you to come on over and join us. I have a sponsor. My sponsor has a sponsor. I'm currently working the steps with Spearheads. And, we're doing a lot of work right now. And, we're going to be able to get a job. But, I'm going to be able to get a job. And, I'm going to be able to get a job. And, I can't talk to you guys. You're going to be able to hear me talk. And, I'm going to have to go to a meeting with Spearheads. I do have a home group at Spearheads, and we do the steps and we do the work, and we'd love for you to come on over and join us. I have a sponsor. My sponsor has a sponsor. I'm currently working the steps with Carl. He introduced me. When we first showed up, we'd been here for five months. Doreen and I came across from San Diego, and we had been going to meetings, and we had been hearing a lot of the problem, and I don't think that anybody in here needs some assistance on how to drink or how to use. I think we all got that down pretty well, or how bad it can suck out there if you don't do the deal. If you don't do the work, it doesn't get any better out there. And we were fortunate. We ran into Bob and Lindsey at a meeting, and we heard them speak, and they're like, Fuck yes! My people! Where have you been? And what I mean by that is, after you've done the work, and you start to develop a conscious contact with God, everything gets better. You're not different. We're not different. We're all exactly the same. Our stories are different. We've got a couple of different experiences, maybe a couple of different skills. We've been around a little bit longer. We've had a little bit... Shh! ...shorter time on Earth. We're all exactly the same. And maybe we can help each other out. It's been a pleasure talking to you guys. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.