Higher Power and the Fellowship – 2024 Prayers & Promises Workshop – Part 6 of 7 – Marion M

oh my goodness i'm mary and i'm alcoholic thank you so much for your introduction raquel and thank you so much for everyone who's put this together. It is my honor and privilege, and I am humbled to be with these fine gentlemen this weekend, and be able to share my experience, strength, and hope, my prayers, my promises, my, you know, all that. Usually what happens when I start is it all kind of comes up in a, so bear with me. um i say this always but um i can never believe that this is my life this life that god has given me this opportunity to be able to just be alive and be a part of the sacred fellowship and um and i'm undone i'm Undone by the people i see in the room today people that have been with me on this journey that you know I was telling Chris a little earlier that there's those of you that know my husband Peter and have been with him in his journey which I believe is I is is thank you thank you for fellowshipping with him and thank you for being shoulder to shoulder with him thank you for carrying him through the highs and lows of Alcoholics Anonymous to get them to me right the selfishness of that um and so and so just as we've walked this journey heart to heart for so long my sobriety date is November 11th 1989 I'm going to get in the zone I'm gonna get in there but the excitement kind of overtakes for a minute. I used to, was a singer in a church and I sang in a band and I would get these butterflies and I'd get nervous but I also knew it was excitement at the same time. And what I want to show off today and what I want to say today is what I, my prayer and my promise would be that you see him and not me. because in and of myself i'm nothing and um and and as i've prepared for this which is you know it's like whatever i spoke at a home group or whether i spoke out of wherever that was the preparation and the prayer has been happening since then is for this moment and that's what we have is this moment that's why we have this moment in time from somewhere I read where this moment will never happen again not as it is now looking at a sponsee that's here that came up here and build a fellowship here and the fellowship she craved seeing old friends when I first got with Peter and and my bestie friends over here and being with Chris will never be in this moment exactly the same this cup of coffee, this fellowship, these people, this moment will never be the same. And as I felt tasked to do this this morning, just to share in a general way too what my journey's been like. November 11th, 1989 out of Bellingham, Washington. I came from a family of six kids, one adopted, because we didn't have anything. There was hunger. There was some abuse. There were some things happening. There was alcoholism in my family. And as a young child, as a young girl, I can still remember crying out to God like my dad would work away up in Alaska trying to provide for the family, and I'd wear his t-shirts to bed, crying out for my dad. But in that hunger, and in that thing, where our big book talks about deep down inside is every man, woman, and child is a fundamental idea of God. I would look out my window, and i'd have my dad's t-shirt on, and I'd know you're out there somewhere. And I believe that that's the way the deal is with God, you You know, God brings me to AA and AA brings me to God. And this journey of prayers and promises and through all life's journey, most of those times it's come through the dark places, the lonely places, the excruciating alone places. As my husband says a lot is you know where i'm known known that i'm known by my creator known that i'm known by god god answering a prayer for me whether it's stint and here's the deal guys what i've noticed about my relationship with god and what i notice about my relationship with him is that he'll come in the most unexpected places in the Most Unexpected Places when i don't know that it's going to happen there it happens there it comes there he gives me the food that I need for that day the food I need for that moment the message I need in that moment and it's a relationship that's grown here's the deal you know if in and of myself I'm nothing the father doeth the works you know the first time I did a third step prayer I'm still here the first Time I did a seven-step prayer. I'm still here. The first time I said a serenity prayer, I'm still here the first time. I did a Lord a Lord's Prayer. I am still here the first Time I did it freedom from bondage prayer. I'm still here, you know, we're still here and if you're new in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that prayer can be as short as help me that prayer can be assured as I'm afraid that those are those times as a little girl looking out the window and wearing my dad's t-shirt and saying, I'm afraid. The innocence of a child. God says that we come to him like a child, God, I am afraid. God, I'm alone. God I'm broken. God. I can't see the other side of that. He's deep down inside of each and every one of us. And those prayers are answered every single time. Every single time God has answered those prayers as evidence of just standing here and being free from the bondage of but drink is, you know, November 11, 1989, I got drunk twice that day. It was my 30th birthday. I am in a Denny's getting drunk in the morning and passing out in the afternoon and going back out to drink that night. Now, I didn't have any idea on November 10th that day that I was going to be have permanent sobriety the next. So what happens in that? I don't even know that I prayed that night i don't even know that i prayed but god in his infinite wisdom picked that day and picked that time and did something overnight it's our book says you know you know ideas attitudes and emotions are suddenly cast aside for something new what is the cast aside what is that where does that come from and that's a thing in alcoholics anonymous i'll never be able to explain why was one day I wretched and hopeless in my matted 80s perm with champagne blonde color you know and I'm wearing a leopard print shirt which I never wore again it sat in a drawer for 10 years you know it's like how does that come from this from this place to where I was the next morning to looking at myself in the mirror in my bright pink bathroom with my matted hair and seeing something in the mirror that I'd never seen before what happens in that moment and I think that's what we're talking today about I think we're talking about we're taking about prayers and we're talking about promises but God has promised me that he'll never leave me He'll never forsake me, and he hasn't, and he won't. So in that journey, I'm gonna breathe and have a drink. You guys can understand that. So, so I pick up my first drink at 15 years old. I have this family. And I'm a lost soul. I grew up in this place where, you know, I was ashamed to be Marian Weston. I was ashamed. And my brothers and sisters, we were misfits. You know, we were and um and so when I picked up that first drink everything changed I became the party girl I ran after that drink and I ran After it with everything that I had because it was a panacea for my ills it calmed I became this different person and um I meet this man at a party at 19 years old the first drink oh I have to say this it was a bottle of MD 2020 that I ripped off from a store and it was in the stall of a high school dance you know it's really romantic that first drink and I chugged down the first part and I threw up and then the chug down again and and I was off you know and I'm gonna have this whole new identity I'm the party girl I've got the record albums and I've Got The Concert Tickets and I'VE GOT THE GREEN STUFF TO SMOKE WITH IT AND ALL THAT STUFF YOU KNOW and I meet a man who my father was an angry war veteran and I meet this man and he is that guy at a party. He's the same angry guy who's in the middle of a fight. And it was love at first sight. And I know for me knowing my life today and knowing the things from my past is I had somebody I could fix like I did with my dad. I could sing, I could dance, I can make dad happy so now I have this man and I've got a ticket to get out of the house and I'm pregnant and um we quickly had three children and um they were stair steps they're 15 16 months apart we have these kids and I get pregnant with my fourth child when my daughter's four years old so this is 1986 on October 19th 1986 I have my fourthchild his name was Brian Daniel and um three months and three days after he was born he dies of crib death at my sister's house we ran into the bedroom and brian's dead and we rush off to the hospital and you know i'm 27 years old i have three children to raise i'm in the grips of alcoholism and my life is so dark like it could you know we talk in the dark places of our life and we can feel them in that moment right so Brian dies and and my life is just so dark and that same year in August my mom passes away and you know how her book talks about how dark it is before the dawn I'm 27 years old I've got these three children to raise, and I can't live. All I think is I'm insane. I am crazy. I don't even know how to live. And I tell my husband, I've got to go see a therapist. I am nuts. And so I go to see this therapist, and you know, our book talks about these ominous warnings, you know? And this woman sat across the table from me, and i'll never forget it as long as I live. She looks at me and she says, when you lose a parent, you lose your future. And when you loose a child, you loose your past. And Marianne, you're having trouble living in today. I have this family riddled in alcoholism. I have little brother who's living under a bridge and sticking forms of alcohol in his arm. And another ominous warning from him. You know, these are prayers. These are promises. These were the things that hit our spirit. And my little brother looks at me one day because what I had is I was building this home no matter what. I had these children to raise, I had the two cars in the garage and I had a swimming pool and a trampoline and all the things that I never had as a little girl. Clean towels, clean socks, things like that. I'm taking care of these children and my little brother I just kept pointing the finger at him if I ever was like that or my little sister who's taking sedatives and drinking in the morning if I every was like that my brother my my sister who made Bob Marley look like he didn't smoke anything you know if I ever was like that because after all my life but inside guys it's that deal is that thing that restless irritable and discontent this disconnection from God this sickness that was inside of me and my little brother gives me another warning and my Little Brother says well one of these days, Mary, and you're going to take a good long hard look in the mirror. See, this is what I believe is my God journey. This is what i believe is the prayers that come to me. This is what I believe are the promises that come to me, and when I looked in the mirror that day, I was at that jumping off place our book talks about. I couldn't see my life with a drink without a drink. I spent 30 days in a treatment center. I go through the first three steps, and what happened in that that treatment center for me was life. It's like the veil was torn, you know, it's a biblical term but you know whatever and I started seeing life with new glasses. I started seen life like I can I had to leave those children and go to this treatment center and I know that that was the best thing in the world for me in those 30 days. It really was and I went through these steps and we would go across the street into this park, and we'd swing on these swings. And I felt like a little kid that I was alive. You know, the leaves were orange and red and green, and they were beautiful, and I could see them for the first thing. I could See Things Through New Eyes. That first innocent beginning, right? Coming into my first home group. um having cb mclaren meet me at the front door and reach out his hand and say hi mary and welcome i thought he was a president of alcoholics anonymous in that moment he had that big old alcoholic red nose and the flat top and suspenders and flannel shirt see this is us. In those days of growing up, I was a girl. I was the hippie. I was the kumbaya. I as the Birkenstocks and Socks from Bellingham, Washington. I always wanted to feel a part of. Always wanted to belong. And when I got to that group and we were open share. We were messy. We would 12 step people by the front door. You know, we would do all that stuff. And we would get together And it was the coolest thing in the world. Like, you guys were saying the things out loud that were a secret inside of me. I'm alone. I'm broken. I'm the only one. And you guys would, you know, you'd get fired from a job and laugh about it. And everybody would go, yes! You know? And I was like, who are these people? You know, I remember one time I had this, I couldn't pay my power bill. And I was freaking out about it. And the next day I go to my regular noon meeting and the windows rolled down and somebody had put a money order on the front seat of my car with a scribble on the name. See, these are the life things. These are the things like the innocent climb we talk about, that my husband talks about, or just the little things that happened that were building my faith, that were building my relationship with this God and they could just be the little things you know I was nine months sober and and um I had these I had this old beat-up Audi I spent like 700 bucks on it I got three kids strapped in the back and I'm gonna go in the Pacific Northwest up through the North Cascades Highway and I remember pulling off to the side of the road because I'm sober i'm a sober mom i'm feeding my kids i'm taking them on a ride i'm showing up i'm putting them in bed that might not be big things to you but those were big things me i wasn't neglecting them i wasnít that i'm abusing them with my words i was feeding them i was washing their clothes those are little things to some people but they were big things to me and we're going up across the north cascades highway in washington go sometime i'm taking you guys and i'd driven it a million times with beer cans in the back of the car you know and i'm drop driving up and through the mountain pass and I literally had to pull over because I couldn't take another corner I couldn'T take another turn because it was taking my breath away I knew that word you know people say oh it's breathtaking it's breath-taking it took my breath away could have had to do with the elevation too a little bit but you know it's just like walking into this parking lot today I run into Robert John we see him when we're pulling in he was he was at the beginning of the Peter Marion love story you know Jim and Mary about Jimmy freaking interviewed me to make sure I was okay for him you know and yeah question after question what is your intention with my friend but I want to see I want be there I want to be awakened in the spirit enough to every moment of my life when he just go oh god I see you I see you anything that blocks that I mean I felt that Robert John's in the parking lot I look out the door and I go wow you see what I'm saying when our friend from they came to South Florida to see us says i heard god through you i've never been the same see this is what we get to do it's not about a lesson or a yes it's a transformation that happens in our heart that happens organically that happens so individual that yours isn't going to be mine and mine isn't gonna be yours but that's the realm of the spirit is broad and roomy and all-inclusive and never exclusive never exclusive man I'm telling you when I was a hippie chick growing up I in high school I was failing terribly but I was like why are the jocks here and why are the nerds over here and Why are those people more popular and why aren't those see I came into AA and it was none of that you know big shot little shot one shot we're all shot right that was made for me this is where I belong and in those prayers and in those thoughts and in Those I mean have the promises come true yes absolutely the ninth step promises the fifth step promises these guys are going to give you all that stuff you know I'm here to just kind of I don't know I feel Jimmy said you're marrying you're going to set the table but really seriously be me right I had that one time I was in a church okay see what I would do is that little girl so I was always compare myself to other people I'm not enough I'm not enough and I remember this gentleman telling me one time Marian just be yourself, you make a rotten somebody else. But also in that comparison, what am I? If I'm always less, I'm Always Less, I was led to a prayer. I was lead to a Prayer by a man named B.R. Bradbury and it was this beautiful prayer. If you have a daily reflection, I am going to just list the prayers so take notes because I am not going to read. No. He's like, Marianne. So B.R. got sober with me and we would go to the treatment center and he was an old timer and he'd always remind me of this prayer on Daily Reflections, November 11th. And this prayer is so beautiful, but it talks about I'm a beloved child of God and my most urgent life task is to love, care, and nurture for myself. You know, and when I'm honoring me, I'm honoring God and that's always my place to go to in this place of where the self-talk and it doesn't mean oh yay I've got such great self-esteem because believe me before this I'm freaking out and I Mary Beth knows the truth you know but but but the reality is is being able to if I'm if I am thinking little of myself or if I am thinking great of myself what am I thinking about myself and in this constant walk that we get to do and this constant place of selfishness and self-centeredness being the root of my troubles. If I'm thinking, you know, I had this friend Alfred Taylor. He kind of looks a lot like Robert John but Alfred Taylor used to say, you know I might not be much but I'm all I ever think about, you now. So where was I? so in this journey called god in this journey of this relationship of this friendship in this relationship of kindness in this relation so that's kind to me too that's what that means by that prayer kind to me too as i pour out and give my life to others kindness hope mercy mercy being able to give to somebody other another person the exact same mercy that was given to me see I've learned in this relationship with God that I cannot out give him that whatever I pour out and give to anybody in my life God returns at tenfold have you guys ever noticed that you get out of yourself you you I'm gonna take that extra effort I'm going to put that grocery cart back i'm gonna help that you know i'm going to answer that phone to the the blow back blow your hair back sponsy you know I really don't want to answer it hello okay you guys get it right every single time I cannot cannot and never will out give God and how dare I to take a moment of that for granted anyway when people were so kind and so gentle and would answer the phone in the middle of the night would pick up that phone in The Middle of the Night would meet me at that meeting for yet another one of Marion's tragic events of how she burnt the chicken you know whatever that is so now I'm going to go to some prayers so and these are just some along my journey that have been a faithful things that have have walked with me so as we do this organically as we as we uh as we build this relationship with god and here's the deal in prayers and promises here right whether it's through like a lot of my stuff i was thinking about this this song when i saw um prayers and promises there was a song called poems prayers and promises and it was by a man named john denver who's gone to heaven and this song talks about the chorus goes i have to say it now it's been a good life all in all it's really fine to have a chance to hang around, to sit her by the fire and watch the evening tire and speak of poems and prayers and promises and things that we believe in how sweet it is to love someone how right it is to care how long it's been since yesterday and what about tomorrow and whataboutourdreamsandallthememoriesweshare so that's the song i just i've been thinking about that for weeks as we've been going into this but okay so here's some prayers and some are just okay where's that one i was gonna go to so as a morning prayer god please direct my thinking and keep my thoughts divorced from self-pity dishonest or self-seeking motives please keep my thought life clear from wrong motives and help me enjoy employ my mental faculties that my thought life might be placed on a much higher plane the plane of inspiration and I love that so much because here's the deal the deal my life is either going to be I want to be an inspiration to others when I walk up and I take care of my day. And, and as I, as I leave my house, as I'm going to be with other people, I want them to see God's light in me. And as I walk around with these prayers and things in my life, these are the things that give me the strength and able to do that, right? So if I want to know about Moses, I got to read about Moses. And if I Want to learn about God, I got to read about God. And if I want to learn about baseball, I'm going to read Mickey Mantle or, you know what I mean? Those things. And so as I build and I enjoy this relationship with God, I'm gonna come into those prayers that are sacred to me. Okay, going to another one. It's not on this one. And then I'm getting out of here. and this is one that i carry with me a lot and i mean it's just not even a prayer but it's a promise from bill so god had done for for him what he could not do for himself his human will had failed doctors have pronounced him incurable i was incurable right society was about to lock him up like myself he admitted complete defeat then he had an effect been raised from the dead suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known had this power originated in him obviously it had not there had been no more power in him than there was in me in that minute and this was none at all so deep down inside each and every one of us is the same amount of power with this god it's just about us tapping into it right it's just about that i'm going to wind up stopping in a minute because i want to hear these guys so we usually conclude this period of meditation with the prayer that we be shown all throughout the day what our next step is to be that we'd be given whatever we need to take care of such problems we ask especially for freedom from self-will and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only. We may ask ourselves, however, if others will be helped. And that's the thing about that going back even to that just that little prayer on November 11th, right? When I'm clear of wrong motives and when I'm clear of my selfishness and self-centeredness, that's when I can give back to somebody else. Andthat's where my freedom comes from. AndThat's when God can pour in and through me and out to others. So guys, I'm gonna let those guys do the break it all down I just wanted to share that stuff with you. God bless you, and I've got more prayers in here. Thank you. Bye, dear.