Her Friend Erica Gave a Full Funeral to a Mouse in a Mousetrap 🤣 – Kerry C.

So, do you all feel like you have a pretty decent understanding of the second step proposition, the bedevilments? You know. Yeah. And kind of looking at it saying like there's multiple layers or multiple ways of looking at these steps because they're not just for newcomers or beginners. so that we talked a little bit about step three and said that it's a decision right but it's the decision that needs to be backed up by action and we talked a little big about the actor and how that's really our fourth column and so when we look at this when we're asking ourselves these questions when we are reading this and it's really asking me how is Carrie's life lived by self propulsion working out for her you know and where's that showing up you know and when we come back to this thing and there are some aspects that i skip when i do studies and i come back around in six and seven because i think well the first time we look at them we're like yeah yeah yeah and like anything else is like when you first look at these ideas and then you come back with with information and experience we see these ideas very differently but there's a statement on page 62 and it says so we travel So we think our troubles are of our own making. And by the way, I correct his grammar, so that's why. They arise out of ourselves. The alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run right, though we don't think so. And that's kind of what I've been really emphasizing this weekend is that you're going to think that you are not self-willed run right. But typically if I'm in conflict with something or somebody, I probably am on some level somewhere. You know, and think about it this way, is who here does a written nightly review? Okay, when it asks you were you kind or loving do you give percentages? Because that's a yes or no question. And so then how much of your day what percentage of the day were you a jackass? It doesn't ask us that. It says were you kind or love and yes or no. So when we come back to this thing it says though we don't think so. I mean, like, really, that's kind of what we're saying is, you know, I'm not always going to think that the decisions or the beliefs that I have are causing me the issues that are happening in my life. But typically they are. Above everything, I must be rid of selfishness. We must... Or it'll kill us. So, it talks about, says, die an alcoholic death, live on a spiritual basis, right? but more specifically it says two things that resentment and selfishness will kill us it says resentment has the power to kill and our selfishness will kill you it doesn't say your drinking will kill me why do people think that think about that for a minute if I again if I'm just focused on my drinking and it's my drinking that will kill me I miss a lot of things in my life or a lot of things that are going on with me that are much more dangerous than the bottle my selfishness and resentment leads me to the bottle it's my solution sure but we make a lot pit stops that are just as dangerous along the way even if I don't ever return the bottle, what I do is I've killed my happiness I've kill any chance for a useful life all of that and if I use returning to the bottle as my criteria, I'm missing the whole point. That's why we're talking about this in the way we are. And that's what I was saying to you is that your alcoholism will not show up to you in a bottle or show up toyou in the isn't. So how many of you guys have had somebody come up to you and say, you know, I am really having trouble with this gambling. I'm really having trouble with this porn addiction. I'm not really having struggle with this food problem. I really have a trouble with this and really haven't trouble with that and really haven't troubled with this and we haven't trouble with that but at least I'm drinking you might have murdered six grandmas and rounds of kids but you didn't drink today so you were a winner. I'm too busy worrying about my troubles and drinking. Exactly. So our book doesn't say drinking kills, it says your selfishness kills. Resentment kills. And again when we look at this and say like Bill's real careful about how he puts things so when he's saying this, this is a real question a consideration I need to ask myself is how is my selfishness killing me? How is my resentment killing me? Yeah, I was just going to say, I've read there's a solution probably 2,000 times. You know it says in here that we saw when we were approached by those who knew the problem had been solved and I realized that the problem they're talking about is life and not something else. Yes, exactly. That the problem isn't my drinking. the problem is me. Yeah, exactly. So when we're approaching, because the thing is, you know, it also tells us that across the emotional pill cells, it's vital. So I say, don't drink, we love you. You're such a good person. Don't, don'T you know? I'll love you till you love yourself. That's across the emotional pill. Now we do love each other till we love ourselves. But there's some things I need to do. And that the love of me loving you isn't just giving you a hug and a cookie. It's giving you a solution that has depth and weight, you know? And that's what we're talking about here. So yeah, so when it says to us, it says it'll kill us, and it says that God makes that possible. God makes it possible for us to be relieved of our selfishness. I can't think my way through my character defects any more than I can think my way through my drinking. By the way, you ever make a list of your character defects like the real, real, wrong list? Bill did that for us in a very simple way. Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, fear, inconsiderateness, unjustifiably arousing jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. You know, like we gotta be special because I have to have a special list of character defects because Carrie's an effective character. You know so I have to come up with this special, special list. And quite frankly, we did that. It's called your fourth step. You know, people are like, I wrote a list of my character defects. I said, so did I. It's call the inventory. You know? So when we come back to this and we say that there's no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid. Now, and this is where the chop the wood, carry the water comes in, man. It's my job to chop the wooden, carry the wood or the outcome is in God's hands. God will do this. I have to do the work. And it's this tactic, this agreement that I make with God and this is where we come in and this Is where we really talk about that third step prayer and that seventh step prayer and what that really means and why we're an orange frog after we make it. So it says that we had moral and philosophical convictions galore but we could not live up to them even though we would like to. And that's where I was talking about the disconnect between my ideals and what I know to be right and my actions. because when I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion and self-pity I can't make what I know to be right in my mind occur because I'm hijacked. I'm highjacked by my malady. I'm hijacked by my selfishness. I'm Hijacked by My Resentment. I'm Highjacked By My Delusion. And I can not fix that because a delusional mind does not fix a delisional mind. As an undergraduate I had to take a bunch of classes in like abnormal psychology and psychopathology and yada yada. That's not important. What's important is that every one of my professors said, you're going to take this class and diagnose yourself with a million things. And we do. Like who here is on WebMD all the time? Exactly. We're always, we're walking diagnosticians man. Right? So what he said, and this is the most important thing he said. He said, You're going think you have all of this stuff, don't worry. You probably do. He said, but the most important thing is that crazy people don't think they're crazy. He says, that's the thing about being crazy. And this is God's honest truth because in my life I've actually had patients who thought they were Jesus and I had to refer to them that way. That was interesting. It's really hard getting Jesus to clean up his room when he's gone. So I would say to him, I was like, you know, Jesus, you're the divine man. You're an example. I said, what are you going to do when your disciples come here and your underwear are on the floor? But my point to you on this one is that my sick mind can't see where my sick mine is. How do I know what I don't know? I don' t know it. So when I say that we need to have God's help to do this, it doesn't mean that we sit here and we wait for God's golden hand to come down and tap us on the head and say, you're not broken anymore. It's that relationship and that inner thing that happens between you and me. There's a phrase called namaste, which means divine in me salutes divine in you. so when you and I are sitting down and we're reading some inventory when you or I are having a cup of coffee or smoking a cigarette or having a conversation about God or life the divine inside of me and the divine outside of you are having this conversation that you and i are not having i'm completely almost at times unaware of this conversation yet it's occurring and when we all come together and have that conversation over and over again something happens inside of us doesn't it so when i talk about this and i say you know that god needs to be in charge of this that god is the one that removes it that i can't think my way through these things because i'm not going to see them it's me having that conversation with you us having that relationship sponsorship peership bless you that that fellowship of the spirit that allows us to become awake and aware to these things and allows these things to be removed from us. So, me trying to fix me alone with me keeps me me. And again, that's why I was saying that it's really easy to be spiritual by yourself because what you're really doing is worshiping your thoughts. It's not so easy being spiritual with somebody who's reflecting back to you the things that you don't like about you. And that's when we're not so much worshiping our thoughts, but we're in that experience of being disturbed on the question of our alcoholism. And not about our drinking, but about how alcoholism is showing up in other ways in our lives, our agnosticisms, the areas in which God is not involved because we're no longer there. We're not letting Him be. So it comes back to this, and it says that we cannot reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We have to have God's help. so the first step tells me that I'm powerless over alcohol the rest of this book tells me not only am I powerless over alcohol but I'm powerless over me I can't reduce my selfishness much on my own my self-centeredness on my home but I don't know true true we can change but I won't do it I dig the trench, I chop the water, I carry... I mean, I chop the wood, I carry the water. You know, and that's the delusion. That's where a spiritual teacher of mine used to tell me all the time, you know, not to worship a prayer pointing at the moon, meaning that the 12 steps are a vehicle to get us to have this spiritual experience in this community with God and the community with each other. You know? That the steps themselves are a means to the end. They are not the end so when we started this weekend I talked, I used the analogy of a recipe and I said the 12 steps are a recipe for spiritual experience. We can't there's no one part of this step process that we can take away because when we take it away we have something less than what we intended to have but we add and that's where 10 and 11 really talk about that that's where they talk about broadening and deepening our spiritual experience becoming open to new ideas and concepts being open to what the universe has to offer us we don't take away the fundamental aspects of this recipe but then we bring to the table what our spirit motivates us to bring is this making sense to you guys? so it goes on to talk about that triumphant arch. And of course that's the doorway to the fellowship of the Spirit. When we talk about that, when we say you have entered the world of the spirit the doorway that we're building and it tells us that in the tenth step. The doorway that we are building was built by each one of the preceding steps. So when we says that this is a keystone it means this holds up this structure. That this the linchpin of this structure. Without it, we've got two columns. With it, we have an arch. So, we go on to say this prayer. And what was important to me to realize is that this prayer needs to be witnessed. Now, this is a prayer I say every day of my life. I do. As part of my morning quiet time, I say the third and seventh step prayer. but when we take this prayer in the context of going through the steps one through nine, whether it's their first time or their 97th time we hit our knees and we say this prayer together and it's something that needs to be witnessed because if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it does it make a sound? But third step prayer is uttered without somebody to witness it. Is there anybody there to reflect back to me when I'm not living up to the bargain that I've even got? We talked about being an orange frog, and I said that God will, if you make this if you makes this pact with God in your third step prayer and you do not back it up by being launched with a vigorous course of action or next, now you don't do that what happens? we get the spiritual concentration right we get stuck now, if say I sat down and I kneeled with Mike and we said this prayer and I call him up lying and crying about whatever it is that's bothering me that I have this spiritual constipation about, he's going to remind me of that prayer that I took with him and that thing that he witnessed between me and God. And he's gonna say, well, where are you with that? Where's your pen? Have you finished the inventory? Have you written the inventory?" Now, if I do it without light, no one knows. Only God knows, right? And I lie to myself, and I think I'm God half the time, right ? So when it comes down to it, is this prayer works best when it's said with someone else there to witness it. And it's not because God doesn't have power. It means that God works through us and he works through each one of us. We are each other's spiritual mirrors. So where this prayer is not showing up or this is not shown up will be reflected back to me through you. My awareness of it will be heightened because of you. so it's a contract with God we're making a deal here we're bargaining Bill was a lawyer he went to law school I don't know if he passed the bar though did he pass? no he just dropped right but he was a liar he's an alcoholic Bill Wilson S-Flyer mostly But he was a businessman, and he believed in contracts. And he wrote our prayers as contracts. Did you ever notice that? And he says to us, many of us said to our maker, Notice, he says, and I love this, and again, we miss this stuff, big book gnomes are wonderful. Those are the little guys who come and rearrange your big books so that you see stuff you never saw before. It says, we say to our Maker, as we understand Him. And then if you read the seven-step prayer, what does it say? My grief. so he starts off this process by reminding you that you didn't make you and you ain't fixing you and then we finish up this process with reminding you you didn'T MAKE YOU AND YOU AIN'T FIXING YOU I love it so he says to us God I offer myself to you to build with me and do with me as thou wilt so I'm saying at this point and I said that we create our own reality a lot of the time because our brain tells us a lot of things our mind tells us allot of things our alcoholism tells us alot of things and we got relies and priors, delusion we don't even have denial we have delusion so when I say this prayer to God I'm literally saying alright you know what I have been the demigod of my own universe for a really long time my maker do with me as you will I'm a part of your game I'm playing. I'm no longer Cartman. Screw you guys, I'm going home. I'm bringing my ball to the game and I said, okay, I want to be a part of it. I'm in. It says to us, it says that relieve me of the bondage of self so that maybe I'll do that well. So I'm asking God to relieve me of the bonds of self. What is your bondage to self? Well, it just told us. A lot of people are like, I don't know what the bondages of self is. And I said 60 to 63, man. It's right there. Very clearly, how I'm bound to self. I don't know, maybe this sentence is our troubles are of our own making. Tells me that I'm found in some sort of bondage of self. When it tells me I'm selfish and I'm self-centered. I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear and self-delusion. I'm pretty sure somewhere in there is some kind of bondageship. Bondage of cell. Thank you. So that I may better do thy will. So I'm not asking God to relieve me of these things so I can be comfortable. Nowhere does it say, God, relieve me of this so I feel good. So I can do your will. Because I haven't been. I've been my own higher power worshiping my thoughts for many, many years. It says, take away my difficulties. What are our difficulties? What was that? Bedevillments. Exactly. Oh, you're picking up when I'm laying down. That's exactly it. Because when we look at the bedevilments, really, those are just how selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear are showing up in our lives, right? It has us break it down. And it says like what are the areas in our life in which we are running the show and it's not working out well for us. And that's exactly it. Our difficulties are our bedevils, right. So then it says to us that victory over them. It says that we'll have victory over then. But with a caveat, to bear witness. so victory over my bedevilments isn't so that I'm awesome and everybody gives me a gold star and thinks I'm great I mean most people do because I am but that's not why I do it so that people can see this and I can bear witness to the power of God's love his will and his way of life his love so when we talk about it and say you know we need to be the best version of the big book that we can be, that's what we're talking about my motto used to be carry a big book and hit people in the head with it and make them do it right today it is walk softly and carry a big book, meaning that it's how I show up in the world and who I bring to the table that attracts people to this work That alcohol will beat them into the state of reasonableness. I don't need to do that. What I need to be able to do is be an example of what the power of God in this program is. And it says, may I do you well always. This is a deal that I'm making with God. I say, I'm broken. I can't fix me. You can. But there are no free lunches. I can do this work for me so I feel better. I do this work for you so that I can serve God. That's the deal we're making with God. Now, then it tells us to think about it, and we've already done it. So now we're orange frogs. You know, so we ask God for something. We request it from him, or her, or it, or whatever. And we said, you know what? You know? Sure ain't me. Fix me. And I'll do this stuff for you. So once we ask for that, God's going to do it because we asked for it. And then we get mad because it's not showing up the way we like it to. Right? And we say, it's no fair. And things are hard. And you don't know. And if you had my life. And, you know, I can't be the victim and a vision of God's will and God's power and God'S way of life at the same time. It doesn't work that way. So when I ask for this, God breaks it. Now we're an orange frog. And God will prod us in the ways that are appropriate for us to move towards that solution, to take that action. And again, the book tells us that this is something we do. It's something we deal with an understanding person. Right? but it says it's better to meet God alone with someone who will misunderstand guys, that's not happening anymore we're not doing mail order recovery this big book was written as mail order recovering you buy the book, do what it says have instant spiritual experience don't drink, go to a hospital grab somebody else, make them do this stuff that's the way it was written there's no excuse for that today and there's a humility of hitting your knees with another human being there really is Now, I'm a Catholic schoolgirl, sit, stand, kneel, you know, that whole nine. There is something very beautiful for me, and this is my experience. Do with it what you want. It doesn't say on your knees. In fact, actually, the first one did, though, by the way. Just saying. The first one said humbly on our knees. That was the original version of it. But for me there's something about that humility of being eyeball to eyeball with another human being and making this offer to God. do it, don't do it it's not in the book wasn't the original version I like the original version better that's just me but it's something for you guys to think about when I say this prayer what am I really asking for and then what do I do with that because if I'm not in the action aspect of this process then I didn't mean anything I just asked God to do and i'll tell you what let me ask you a question who here has kids okay so when they beg you and beg you to cook that special meal that they really love right and you're making something else you've completely defrosted something else but they ask right and they ask and they ask and you know and you cook it and then they eat two bites of it and leave it on the kitchen table and the dog eats it, how pissed off are you? Now God's a lot nicer than us but if you think about it and say if that's my response to making grilled cheese and we ask for something much huger from a higher power and then we waste it, is that really honoring the universe? Is that really honoring God? Is that Really honoring our purpose? Is that really living by spiritual principles today? No. It's lying to God and lying to myself. We lie through words, and we lie through deeds. And when my actions and my words don't meet, I'm lying somewhere, whether it's my words or my deeds. So if your feet and your mouth aren't in the same place at the same time, that's something we need to take a look at. And this is something that we ask for in this prayer. So there's something we need do with it. And what it is is a vigorous course of action. and a personal house cleaning. And I've heard many people say, well, we don't write assets. Why doesn't AA write assets? And he does. Assets. I point out that alcoholics are naturally arrogant people. And we damn well know what our assets are. And we've already made a list of them and told you all what they are before we even did this. And the truth is this, is that we don't have to because of the paragraph that preceded the third step. It says, this is the how and why of it. First of all, we have to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided here after the drama of life God was going to be our director. He is the principal. We are his agents. He is a father. We are His children. My primary asset is that I'm a child of God. Think about the worst thing that could possibly happen to you in your life. The worst thing that could be possibly imaginable. It's pretty horrendous, right? Does that thing that you possibly imagine that might possibly happen take away the fact that you're a child of God? No. I was somebody who came to Alcoholics Anonymous with a long story of why it wasn't fair and why this didn't apply to me. You know, I had been molested by the time I... By the time i was five years old I had ever been molested by three separate people, including my brother. I had been raped at 14 by several drug dealers. I have been beaten to within an inch of my life on multiple occasions. And I mean really, like chokes, head slammed onto the floor, losing consciousness sort of shit by my father. So I was hurt by the people who said that they loved me the most. And I was really gosh darn broken. And I used that for a long time to not have to trust and not have to do this, to justify where I was and what was going on with me. And I use that for a long time to feel unworthy of God, to feel unworthy of healing. You know, I internalize that so tremendously. And the one thing that this step process has taught me hasn't fixed my trauma. I had to go to therapy for that. It hasn't fix brain damage from dying. I'm still just going to be a little few cars short of a deck. But what it has done is help me to recognize that no matter what you do to me, you can't change the fundamental fact that I am a child of God. That the things that happened to me in my life happened. But those things didn't take away that fact. That it's something that is an indelible thing, that is constant, that nothing that happens to me or at me on this earth can change that fact. I don't need an asset list. I got it right there. The greatest asset of all. I am worthy of God's love. So that's why we don't have an asset list in our four-step because it already told us what it was. We just didn't read it, right? You know, I'm looking for And the asset was followed up by making amends to myself. Oh, don't even get me started on the amends. Don't even make me start it. You want to start seeing me twitch? You look like you had a question. Or are you just yawning? Okay. You look Like you were going to say something. Okay, sorry. I've heard people use some advice in 12 and 12 to say there needs to be an asset but what that advice actually is is a troubleshooting procedure for somebody that's stuck. It's not to be applied to everybody. And you're absolutely right. But like I said when you read this book and you read it with another human being, they're going to point out that statement that we are the children of God, that God is our father we are his child. That's a pretty darn good asset, isn't it? And when you start writing a four step Would that find it? Would that believe? And you know what? You're not going to believe it when you're writing the first time you're writing it. You're going to be like, you're going believe that your sponsor thinks it's possible. That's good enough right now. Your sponsor told you that you're a child of God. Okay. It's good genug right now? You're gonna find that that's true through this process. So, what do we do? Right? It's a fact-finding and a fact facing mission. What are the facts that we're trying to find? What are we trying to find out in the fourth step? Okay. We're selfish enough, yeah. What else? Thank you. Yes. damaged and unsaleable goods. Absolutely. And I love that it says and get rid of them promptly without regret. Because I had identified lots of damaged and un-saleable goods, and then I kept them. And I said, see, this is why life is not fair, because I'm so broken, I have a defective character. See, I had this damaged and un-salable good, and I petted it, and I watered it, and I bring it out to show you so there's that second part of it to get rid of it promptly without regret so bill's already starting us on six and seven before we even put pen to paper he's a smart character i told you he had you write your four step in the in 60 to 63 you just didn't know you wrote it okay so all you're doing is taking the after and applying it to your relationships mostly i mean there's other stuff going on there but i'm generally he's introducing the concept of your fourth column in in 60 63 and now he's introducing the concepts of six seven eight nine in the first paragraph of your four of the fourth step smart man sneaks it in there i call those sleeper cells put those ideas in there and then you're then and then you get to do some work, and you're like, damn! Whoa, I didn't see that before. You know? And it says that if we're going to be successful, we can't fool ourselves about the values. And that's an important thing. That's the inherent dishonesty that we have is that we value their certain belief systems and that's what we said. It's like the God ideas work. Our ideas don't. That I fool myself about the value of my ideas or beliefs or behaviors, concepts. I fool myself about this. I tell myself that this has value even though it doesn't. I tell my self that something works even though it doesn' t. So when we look at the dishonesty that we're looking at in inventory, we're not looking at the fibbies I tell you. We know that that's a literal honesty. That's cash register honesty. I mean, we're talking about that. But what we're most often talking about is the dishonesty I have with myself. The way that I fool myself about the values of certain specific things. That's what we are looking for. Is what did I tell myself that made this thing true? What story did I spin that justified this specific idea, concept, behavior? Because that's what I'm really looking for." So when we talk about damaged and unsaleable goods, I'm not just looking at saying, well, selfishness is bad. We know that. What I want you to look for, what I want to really look at is how is selfishness translating and masquerading as something else and showing up in your life? I say that selfishness, dishonesty, inconsiderateness, fear are predators posing as house pets. Meaning that I say they're predators posing as house cats. Because I'll say, I'll put it in language that says that this thing is innocuous. I always mean well my intention was only to help and the reality of the situation I was trying to control you it was so powerful I was playing God I was making decisions I was doing things that were based on ideas or concepts that were not aligned with spiritual principles but I told myself they were because I said my motives were good fuck your motives fuck your motives because they're your motives so the bottom line is headache cannot be cured with a hammer so me trying to figure out my motives is what were your motives you ever hear that go to a meeting and somebody will say what were you motives and I say that in meetings I say fuck your motives what you think about your motives is killing you shine the light of God and spiritual principles on this specific situation, and the truth of it will come to you. We judge ourselves by our motives. Other people judge themselves by their actions, and quite frankly, when I'm judging myself by my motives and you're judging me by my actions, I'll tell you what, your evaluation of my performance and my evaluation of my performance are two very different things. And the truth is, it's the footprints I bring to this world that matter. Your feelings don't mean anything. You need to feel them because not feeling them is part of what drives us to do the crazy things we do. But they don't have to dictate your reality. We worship our thoughts and we worship our feelings like they're demigods and they're not. I have a headache that would kill a horse right now. Would you know it? Did the fact that I have a headache dictate my reality today? No. Because one, feelings and what I'm here to do are two very different things. And when I worship my feelings, when I put these things above what my job is, serving God, I run into some trouble. Am I going to take a nap? Yeah! Am I gonna treat the headache? Did I take aspirin? Yeah. But did I say, I feel bad, I have a headache, so I'm not gonna play today? No. So we do this, and I'm using a headache as a physical thing, but we have emotional headaches all the time in which we worship and it prevents us from being of service to God and others. Now, we take that to the other side because too far east is west. So I have people who tell me that they're not allowed to have any feelings because feelings are bad. And nowhere in this book does it tell us that. My feelings are not good or bad. Simply, when my feelings are dictating my reality, I have a problem. And that's where, again, we don't fool ourselves about the values. And this is what we're talking about. This is the upper level recovery stuff. The simple thing is I fooled myself about the value of my dishonesty. If I tell you what I think you want to hear, you'll like me. Okay? That's cash register honesty. Right? We all, you know, and that's just, I don't lie to you. You know, I tellyou what Ithink you wantto here because i don't want to be rejected or i want to feel loved and accepted okay that's pretty simple stuff that's like kindergarten stuff and then we look at the dishonesty we have with ourselves that where we start we start getting into the motives right and we start spinning the tales about our motives and that's another level of dishonesty and then мы go even further about it and we старт looking at this we start looking at the victim stances we start looking at the, what I call our representatives. Some people call it theater of the lie, but the people and places and attachments I have that show up and start running the show. You know, all these little demigods that I have. And then we have the emotions, which say I should have none or I should have all. And again, that's the dishonesty that's showing up. These are the damaged and unsaleable goods. These aren't the things that we fool ourselves about the value. You ever have like this girlfriend who cries? I have this friend, I love her she's wonderful. She's an NA girl, I'm an AA girl. We try to stay at we try really hard not to talk about that stuff because if not I start to twitch. And I love her. She is like this hippie, flowy beautiful woman. Like I just love her to death. My heart, I just love her. I never thought I'd be best friends with an NA Girl, really. Like, I was pretty sure I was going to club her over the head and drive her to a big book meeting. Like that was my plan. That's how I started out. My motives were not great. God had, had other plans. Um, and that's what, you know, so I love her to death. Love her. But she's like one of those ones that cries at everything. She's just, she's look at this spirit and she cries and she's always, I mean like I, I,I, I actually bought her a bedazzled, um, tissue box to go with a bedazzled phone case. I made it match, you know, because I love her. I love that much of her. Like she just cries. That's just her, right? And I'm completely different. I'm the rough and tough, like my sponsor used to call me a rough, tough pain puff. So I'm a rough and tumble, like the only two emotions, anger and nothing, you Know? So I don't know what to do. I'm either going to kill you or I nothing you. There's nothing in there. I don' t cry unless I'm strangling you and I hurt my finger. like the complete opposite right and so what i really love about having this woman in my life is that she's that spiritual mirror because she'll get choked up in a minute i remember when that newcomer was puking in the bucket and she still came to the meeting and i'm thinking you know like and she's crying and look at her she just celebrated 90 days and i'M LIKE AH WHATEVER you know and like if you put the two of us together you'd probably have like a really decent human being but we compliment each other because she makes me softer and i make her a little tougher because i'll look at her i'll be like okay erica it it's a word you stepped on the worm it's okay you do not have to mourn she like she buries everything everything that dies She put a mousetrap, she buried a mouse in a moustrap. And I was like, Erica, we do not have to have funerals for all of God's creatures that are deceased in your home. It's okay. And on the other hand, she makes me a lot nicer. Because she reminds me of those little miracles that we see every day. So when we talk about worshiping, I worship my thoughts, she worships her emotions. and I'm her spiritual mirror because I tell her to stop crying for five minutes and have a conversation and she tells me to stop being mean and I was like who's going to say that? She'd be like hey that was mean I'm like sorry Erica So this is kind of what we're talking about when we talk about worshipping our thoughts and worshipping our feelings that you know too far east is west when the two of us together in the same room were decent human beings apart not so much not kidding But, on the other hand, so when we're looking at this, this is what we want to look at in our fourth step. These are the things we really want to take a look at, you know? So it says to us that, it says that resentment is the number one offender. Why is resentment the number ones offender? What is resentment? You're feeling emotional. So, is resentment only anger? Is resentment grief? Is it shame? Guilt? irritation. I love that. Who here has written, my sponsor made me write an entire inventory on judgment because I stopped being resentful. Cause like I told you, I changed the terms, right? I, you know, I'm not afraid. I'm anxious. I'll not resentful on irritated. So I had to make a list of all the people I judged. Oh God, that was a long list. and then I had to do you know a typical resentment inventory on it and then i had to go make amends for them there was this one guy in our town he was a 13 stepper he had like a million years clean or sober and he was like a 13 stepper and i kept having to rescue women from his home group because like i put on my cape my super carry and my big book and i'm going to go in there and i am going to snatch all the girls from this home group from these dirty old men right? because i'm that important i told you fool yourself about the values and motives that's not because i haven't made those mistakes guys so i decided i was going to save the girls from this home group so like i rallied the women from my home group to go into this home room but we invaded and we would snatch the girls that our group was on thursday night their group is on wednesday night so we'd go on wednesday and we'd steal the girls and make them go to thursday nine and we were like one town apart right so but he kept like but every once in a while he would get one of them right and He would gather them up, and somehow they would end up at his house. I'm not sure if he had a dungeon, what he had going on there. I kind of pictured this crazy sex room with the swing and the chains. I'm never really sure. But somehow, if a woman entered his home to read the big book, she didn't leave. Or at least she didn' t leave on her own will. And this kept happening. So I'm building judgment and resentment, right? So first of all, I'm like, you know, I get the big book squad going in, you know stealing girls, girl snatching from this group, right. And now this isn't working anymore because he's getting done one. Like if I take a week off, then somebody gets gotten. Because I'm that important. So I got this resentment. There was this one girl, she was 16 years old. And you know what happened. Y'all know, I don't even have to go into it. So, I'm pregnant with my third child, right? And I'm home. So now I'm feeling really powerless because I can't even put on my, you know, like on my big book squad and my super cape and go in there and save these girls, right, because I'm on bed rest and I'm at home. And this girl that I was 12-step and wandered back into this meeting, this guy wandered into her, and it was just what it was. So, the mom calls me, hysterical, doesn't know where she is because she's 16. And I'm trapped in my house like a feral rat, you know, pregnant, miserable, in my bed, calling, do you know where she is? Go get her! So my brilliant plan for this was to call this man up and tell him to stop fucking newcomers. And I did. I was like, Jim, stop fucking newcomers! stop it i'll come over there and i'll break your legs um click he i call my sponsor then tell by the way when you have an idea like this it's always good to make the phone call to the sponsor first motives guys motives so i call the sponsor after very proud of what i've done because i threatened to break this man's legs while i'm seven months pregnant beat like a beached whale in my bed, but I'm going to go beat him up, right? I'm gonna send my minions to beat him up for sleeping with a newcomer. And my sponsor politely points out, I owe an amends. I'm like, what are you talking about? I was protecting Alcoholics Anonymous. Don't you know it's my job? Inventory later. And he was like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He was just like, I'm not even arguing with a crazy pregnant lady. Just deal with this later. Write your inventory. And I had to go back and I had to make amends to this guy. That was an interesting event, you know. He told me he didn't care what I thought of him and that he would do what he wanted and I hadn't listened to it and it was okay and I love him and I pray for him and you know what? The coolest thing is women don't really go to that meeting anymore. I didn't really have to do all that much. My home group folded. His home group still opened. Do you know that too? My home groups that carry this message, we folded. We fell apart. We scattered to the winds. His home groups still up and running, and they're still carrying a message. I just hope they stick to the X-Y chromosomes, you know, for now. That's just my hope, but the idea is that my home group was better. We were saving women. We're not there anymore. His home group is still carrying a message, and there are people in there who are doing good work, and I judge the entire group based on the actions of one individual. Maybe if I had gone to that bad meeting and stayed and participated instead of going in there and raiding and stealing their women might have had a different result. But I wouldn't have seen that without inventorying. I wouldn'T have seen THAT without making amends to that man. So when we're talking about this and we say that resentment is the number one offender, we're not just talking about me being angry. We're talking about the judgments I make. We're talkIng about the irritations. We're taking about those things. Those are the things we want to take a look at. You know, so we make that list. It's very simple. The first column, who? Second column, what? Be specific. You know I told this long drawn out story about the 13 stepper who screws all the women in his home group. He didn't. Three of them. The lie I told you was everyone. You see? So we need to be specific. What did that what actually occurred? we get our principles by looking at and doing the exercise I suggested by going through all the spiritual principles in the book and looking at them and sitting with them and asking ourselves what they mean to us helps us to see some of the principles that maybe we're struggling with, the ideas or concepts that we resist. So we make this list of people, make a list of what's specific, how it affects us people often skip the third column or they do it to service why do you think we kind of skip we make the third volume sort of a road check the box sort of thing yeah well I mean think about it it's like you know when we check that we don't think about it's mindless right it is and and when we break that down and we really look at how the third column is showing up. And when you look at it, part of it I think is that if I really look at how this is impacting me, it shows me how much power I give other people over my well-being and how much I'm truly not relying on spiritual principles. Because really what I'm doing when I'm resentful or hurt, threatened, and interfered with is I'm giving you power over my self-esteem. I'm given you power over how I pride, how I think other people see me. I'm giving you power over my personal relationships. I'm given you power over my sex relationships. I'm givin' you power over my emotional security. I'm givein'you power over my pocketbook. I'm givin' you power over my ambitions. Because if I wasn't looking for you to fulfill those needs, I wouldn't get a resentment with you in the first place. So my resentments are built on my want or desire for you to fulfill my needs that I'm unwilling to bring to God. So I think a lot of times we do like the lip service for the third column and we don't really look at truly what's going on there. How many of you... One of the more revealing things that I've found in going through this is if you actually stop and question how does it affect ambitions, for example, relationship when the person stops and thinks about it they come to grips with the idea that it doesn't it really doesn't I've built it up in my mind you know and that's all I've made you personally responsible for my happiness in this specific area or my fulfillment in this particular area of my life yeah, that's exactly it so when we talk about where we're worshipping human power. This is where we get to see that. We also get to se how much fear is really entwined with this. Because your fear inventory is directly connected to your third column of your resentment inventory. Directly connected. So when we write out, were these seven areas of self and people get hung up on pocketbook. Why? Pocketbook. The question of how does that impact my pocketbook? I think people have a hard time seeing how, say, I'll give the example of Jim. That's not his name, by the way. I'm not that much of a jerk. How did Jim impact my pocketbook? Did it really cost me any money? You might have spent money driving to and fro. what about this what do we say in our society time is money that I spent a lot of energy trying to fix, manage and control a situation that was actually none of my business and that it was wasted energy that I've spent trying to fix manage and patrol something that was not for me to do didn't that cost me something my sponsor asked me to look at one thing in terms of my pocket book what am I not willing to pay up to be free say that again what am i not willing to pay out to be great so what is it we talked about spirituality is about subtraction rather than addition so what is it in this specific resentment am I not willing to let go to be free of this resentment my need to be right, to be important to be in control to be you know the AA super cop in terms of justice in termsof justice but those are the things that I'm not willing to pay up to be freed there are no free lunches in alcohol synonymous you know at some point we have to pay the pipe meaning that at some point there are things that we're holding on to that are preventing us from being useful and effective in our lives and having that spiritual experience and having that spiritual freedom. Now, my sense of justice was depriving me of the opportunity to truly be of service to God and my fellows and to have a sense of peace and unity in my life. When I take a look at that and I write that inventory and realize that I'm not willing to pay that, that's when I'm that willing to let go of to be free. It seems really stupid, doesn't it? seems like a really trivial thing to give so much of my time and energy and emotion to in it so when we look at pocketbook, it doesn't always have to be so literal in dollars and cents but what is this costing me what prices am I paying for this am I playing for it in the amount of energy that I'm trying to put into this situation my paying for it in the prices that I'm paying in my relationships my sense of justice and guess what here's the other truth of it I have friends who have done the maybe not a 16 year old girl but have done the exact same thing that he did and I shot them bail because they're my friends and I like them I had to come to terms with that too I'll tell them bad girl don't do that again but on the other hand I certainly didn't call up my friends and say stop effing newcomers or I'll break your legs. And I said, you poor thing, there must be something really going on with you spiritually that you're doing such a thing. Let's talk about that because I know that you would never intentionally cradle rob and cripple shoot. So I know that whatever's going on, you must have really lost your way. I didn't like him. That's the truth of it. I didn'T like him and he took away my sponsee and killed her hostage and I didn't love that and that was the truth and I don't want to see that she's your hostage she's my hostage that's true I love it that's why I keep this one around it was like the Hadfields and McCoys over this poor 16 year old girl right but if I don' t look it, if I don't write out that third column, I'm not seeing that. And so we need to do that. Now, I've seen inventories where people check that box and they just write that these things were affected. I challenge you to write out how. And I challenge you to look at the costs of it, the prices that you're paying for this. We're going I'm going to stop here because it's lunchtime.