Her Defects Are Doing Push-Ups Behind the Curtain – Rosie T.

Thank you everybody. My name is Rosie and I'm an alcoholic. Good morning. I want to thank Derek and anybody else that had anything to do with me being up here this morning. I want to thank everybody. We've been 12-step this week and the whole weekend we've been 12-step. So let's get this going. I know we're anxious to get home, so we're going to wrap this up in a few minutes. Yeah, there's not much I can add. This is a whole 12-step. I want to thank the committee person who puts the little steps up on that wall. I have an attention span of a fly. And all of a sudden I realized what was going on. I was up there yesterday, late afternoon, and I thought, how cool is that? We take a step along the way and I like the idea of paying attention. I just got back from a retreat this past weekend and a little poem was read by Mary Oliver. And it's just only a three-liner and it goes something like this, pay attention. Be astonished and tell someone about it. And it means a lot to me because I go through life without paying attention. It takes a lot for me to just stop, breathe, take it all in, pay attention, and good luck with remembering it, right? So my sobriety date is July 5th of 1992. My sponsor's name is Sharon Brooks and I'm current with that. I'm a sponsor. I'm current with that sponsor as of yesterday. My home group is the Bellflower Big Book Group. We meet on Monday nights at 730. I invite you to come in. We have a newcomers meeting at 645, 615. So if you're ever in town, give me a call and we'll get you a chair. And I am here to share with you guys the step 12. And I want to thank you. I want to thank all the speakers throughout the weekend. We have been taken through the 12 steps up to 11. We are here to share our experience on each step. And I'm going to share with you guys because you guys can get to step 12 from nothing, right? It says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. So I got to tell you that I was not an alcoholic when I came in. I became an alcoholic. I was in the rooms. And I know that some people here are, they come in and they know their story. They have it together. They know where they come from. They know what they need. They know that this is the last house on the block. That's not my story. I came in in full flight from reality and it took me a while to come to believe to my inner self that I was an alcoholic. It took action for me. I was in the middle of my ninth step when I was struck with the reality. I did not want to drink again and that I was an alcoholic. And so for me, it took action. I said that I was an alcoholic because you asked me to, you know, but it wasn't like I believed that I was an alcoholic. And you're going to, if you're an alcoholic of our type, you are going to have to, have to. I know that's suggested, but you're going to have to take the steps if you're going to be able to survive the low spots ahead. And believe me, we have a lot of low spots ahead. You know, just because we are sober, it doesn't mean that life doesn't go on. And so I couldn't believe that my life was powerless because I had a job. I had a couple of bucks in my pocket. I had a car, an old beat up car, but it still ran. So it took a while for me. And I didn't come to believe in a power greater than myself that was going to restore me to sanity right away at all. I had a God. I had a God of my own understanding. But I didn't believe in it. I didn't trust. As a matter of fact, I didn't trust until when I was about eight years sober. And I had certain situations in my life sober that marked those spots, and that's why I know. And so I didn't believe that I was insane either. I thought insanity related to somebody that was in the nut house. It had nothing to do with me. And if you would have caught me when I was in my first year, let me put my timer on. Otherwise, we're going to be here until two o'clock. All by myself. I didn't believe myself to be insane. And, you know, I just equated the insanity of people under the bridge with a paper bag. And, you know, those people are crazy, you know. And when I came here, I was full of false pride. And so I didn't need any help. I like the prayers. I like to pray. But I don't know anything about trusting. Trusting a higher power or trusting people. And so for me, I came to believe in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous way before I came to trust a higher power. And that became with my first losses. We've been talking a lot about grief this weekend. Oh, my God. Heavy duty. You talk about every single meeting we've had. It's been, you know, and this is life. We get to share our experiences. As we go through it. But I didn't really come to trust in a higher power until my first loss. My first death in sobriety. Which happened when I was about 14 years sober. You guys hear that? I didn't come to believe and trust in a higher power until way later. So it takes a while, you know, for me to come. It's easy to come and say I'm an alcoholic. And to believe. You know, pray and do. But it's going to take some actions. And it's going to take some trials. And some, you know, going down. And to see if you really trust this deal. And I came to trust in my sponsor. And in AA. And in my seat in AA. Way later. I just wanted to see if you guys were really serious about this deal. And step three for me. I turned my life over to the care of my sponsor came first. You know, newcomers. I. Is anybody in the room that was under a year yesterday that identified? Yeah, there you go. Whoo! Welcome. I'm glad you stayed. There's nothing wrong with turning your life over and caring to your sponsor. Because we don't know this higher power. We don't trust. We don't know what's going on here for a while. And it's okay. You know, I've had three sponsors in my sobriety. And none of my sponsors have ever strayed me wrong. None of them have ever given me a direction that has hurt me. If anything, my life has been enhanced by the direction I've been given. I'm a direct result of strong sponsorship. And I'm going to share about that. My step four, I looked up. My step four, my sponsor wanted my resentment, my fear, my sex, and my secrets. I did a complete and thorough inventory of myself. And it is. It is. And it sounds easy behind the podium, you know, years later, you know. But I can tell you that I was scared to death. I wanted to go to the bank and rent that little box where you put your valuables in. Because I have some stuff that can put me in jail, you know. I drank and I ran amok from the age of 16 until I was 29. And I can tell you that I'm the kind of drunk that I love to drink. I love anything that goes above and beyond. I love drinking. I'm not a stay-at-home plus a drinker. I like people. I like partying in parking lots and getting it on, you know. I like bathrooms. When bathrooms are big enough, we can just fit three or four and have a party. I know that sounds gross. But, you know, when you're having a party, you're just having a party, no matter where. So my step four looked a little weird, a little different than most because of my secrets. I'm not a drinker. I'm not a stay-at-home plus a drinker. I like people. I like to drink. I like to spend time with people. I like to have fun. I like to have fun. I like to have fun. You know, it wasn't the money that I had embezzled that kept me in bondage itself. You know, it was the nickel and dime stuff that I was going to come to do that kept me in bondage. It was the stuff that I wasn't telling anybody. It was me being bullied when I was 14 years old in front of all the kids in school and in the middle of the street on Pico and Vermont. It was me trying to commit suicide at the age of 10. These things happened way before I ever took a drink. And it was those things that kept me in bondage. I'm not a drinker. I don't drink. I don't drink. I don't drink. You know, I took a fifth step facing the wall of Barilano Club with my sponsor in Torrance. And it was a thorough inventory, man. I gave her all my goods. It was so good that when she told me to go home and do the sixth and seventh and to take the book down from the shelf and to read and to make sure that I had been thorough, I can tell you that after I got up from my knees after taking that seven-step prayer as it was directed in order, I thought I was going to be all right. I thought I was going to be all right. to be the next Mother Teresa of Calcutta. I understood thoroughly, you know, all of the pink cloud. And you know how we are when we get sober. We just want to go save the world. You know, we just have that feeling and that enthusiasm and that, oh my God, man, just, you know, my brother, 12-step me into AA, and he promptly gave all the siblings big books. You know? Passed them out like if it was candy. I understood why he did that at that time. And my sixth and seventh was thorough because I left nothing. I had no more secrets. I had nothing in me. And man, I just glided. I remember getting up from that prayer, and I just, man, I was on top of the world, and that lasted for about a week. My sponsor told me I had to make a list of people that I thought that I needed to go make amends to, and I gave her that list of five people that I thought I needed to go make amends to. And I gave her that list of five people the following week because I had a sponsor. Betty Garcia was chop-chop, man. It wasn't like I'm going to give you a year to finish your fourth step. I'm talking, she was just on it, and she was on me. Kind of sponsored to call me every day, and every day she would ask me, is there anything I should know? You know? I mean, it was like, and the most beautiful thing in Alcoholics Anonymous is that we get what we need. You know? We get the people in our lives that it's going to show us, that it's going to motivate us, that it's going to push us into, you know, doing the next indicated thing. And I'm in awe of that. If I would have had any other sponsor, my foundation wouldn't be the same. I can tell you that right now. I'm a total byproduct of living in a sense of currency. My current sponsor, you know, I told her, I said, if I'm oversharing, if you get too tired of my phone calls and my blah, blah, blah every morning, please let me know. You know, she's been sponsoring me for the last 14 years, and she still hasn't stopped me. You know? Because I have that need, I feel that I'm very sneaky. It doesn't take much for me to like pick and choose what it is that I want to share with you. You know? And I don't want that kind of life. I don't want to live that way anymore. I don't want to keep things from anybody. Anybody can call me today. Anybody in this room can call me today, and I will tell you anything you want to know about my story. And so I did a thorough, and making that list, I omitted that guy that I had invested money from, and I didn't want to tell anybody. And you know, I get to the ninth step, and she's like, where's that employer that you embezzled $7,000? And I know the amount because I filed taxes on it. Don't judge me. And you know, and I had hard amends to make, man. I had a lot of money to pay. I'm a thief. I'm a liar. I'm a cheat. And I was a mess. And I couldn't believe that this lady wanted me to go pay that money. And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and it wasn't quick. You know, I reverted to my childhood God, and I'm like, God, if you don't make me go make this amends, I'm going to go feed the homeless for a year. And I started making hot dogs and burgers, you know, and you know, passing them out. I'm fifth and central with my nieces and nephews in the car, waiting for a sign. And Alcoholics Anonymous had given me a real job, and I take real lunches. And one day, I opened up the book, the other book that I like reading once in a while, and it opened up to the page where it says, before you come to my altar, make sure you're dead, and you are paid. And I was screwed. You know, I made arrangements with that employer of mine, and I went in with $350 down payment and a payment plan. And the guy didn't take my money. And he said he didn't take my money because his, you know, I knew about his kids breaking into his own home, and he never sat down to be told the truth. You know, we all knew about his wife missing in action, and that guy took a big book from me and allowed me to come back and work for him for free for the next couple of years. And I know that that doesn't mean anything to you, but I can tell you that actions like that is what put me back together. You know, I flew to Florida to make amends to my niece, and I'd been very mean when she was little, and she didn't forgive me right away. She's like, you know, I don't care. You know, get out, and you know, and thank God for living amends. You know, living amends is one of the most important things that we do here, because it all has to do with step 12. You know, we all get to be an example. This here may be the only thing, the only big book, the only message that my family ever gets to see. You know, this here, this is how I behave in the market, how I behave in traffic. Traffic for me is the worst, you know. This here, minding our actions, minding our tongue, minding our attitude has all to do with step 12. You know, like Mike said, you know, this begins when we're out, you know, when we're out of this room. But I've made some really hard amends, and on step 10, all I can tell you is that I try to live in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am very lucky to be married to a man that's very active in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and we live and breathe Alcoholics Anonymous. And what that looks like is that whenever we get into a fight or an argument, because we do, I'm a human being, we're not perfect, you know, we fall short all the time, we quickly make amends, you know, and he's better than me on that field. I'm still a little new, you know, I'm very emotionally unstable, you know. My 11th step is not up to par all the time, and, you know, I need a lot of help. I need a lot of meetings. I need a lot of everything that I do, I need. It's just, it amazes me that after 29 years, that I can still pout and storm off and, you know, I'll take my table, how dare you take my chair, and, you know, and it's like I'm about to leave the room now, you know, and it doesn't take much in our home group. Oh, my God. You know how many times I've been leaving my home group in the last two months since we got back? Whoo! OMG. Hmm. Immaturity, you know, so step 10 tells me that I have to, you know, quickly, there's those words in the big book that talked about, you know, immediately, there's a sense of urgency there. You know why? Because if I sleep, if I, the rest are my laurels, then those things, they're going to stack up. And then whatever I felt bad about today, I don't remember it tomorrow. And tomorrow I behave badly and then, you know, next week I behave badly again. And, you know, and next thing you know, I'm not calling my sponsor. And next thing I know, I'm going to pick and choose what it is that I'm sharing. And next thing I know, I'm late to the meeting. And next thing I know, my phone is out at the meeting. And next thing I know, I'm not answering the girls that I sponsor's phone calls because there are too many and it's inconvenient, you know. Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. So, I've only had one sobriety date. I want to mention that, you know. That doesn't make me a perfect member or anything. I just want the newcomer to know that you too can have one sobriety date. You know, whatever sobriety date you have, write it on your big book and make a decision to do whatever it takes to keep that date. It's possible for you to stay sober from your very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm proof of it. Not everybody makes it back. You know, we say keep coming back. We want to see you, you know, but not everybody makes it back. We've lost a lot of members. The 11th Step, for me, started my journey with the 11th Step, started my 11th Step study meeting. It's a women's meeting. We meet on Tuesday nights at 6.30, and it's a closed meeting. And that meeting started when I was eight years sober. Now, mind you that I'm the kind of member that I think that God and I walk hand in hand. God and me, man, we're like this, you know. God has got my back. And I get to this 11th Step study meeting, and they read the same thing over and over and over and over again. And we read out of the big book in the 12 and 12, the 11th Step. And it's, you know, basically the same people. Once in a while we get, you know, members that come in, and they drop little jewels, you know, for that 11th Step. You know, one time this newcomer said that she had a chair, God's chair in her room. And so every morning she wouldn't even throw the towel after a shower in that chair because it was God's chair. I love that. I love having a little space in my room. You know, sometimes it's my bedspread, my pillow. You know, in times where I've had to go out to go to work, it's been in the bathroom. You know, whatever it is. You know, we are the most. We are the most gifted people in the entire world. We have a secret place where we can kneel before our Father anywhere, anytime. I don't know anybody else that had that, not only the opportunity, but the gift. The gift to pull somebody in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and say, can we have a minute? Can we talk? I don't know anywhere else where we can go and bare our souls in one minute to another person. Whether we know them or not. You know, and come out with a sense of relief because we've shared it with a prayer. You know, I'm a prayer warrior. My first sponsor, Betty Garcia, man, she was like pray over everything. So I'm a prayer. I've always prayed, prayed, prayed. I get to the 11th step, I'm thinking my false pride, right? Because my defects are alive and well. Twenty-nine years, it doesn't matter. My defects are gone. My life is gone. My defects are alive and well. And right now, they're doing push-ups behind that curtain right there. They are alive and well. It takes every single meeting that I go to, every single reading, every single prayer, for me to keep those at bay. You know, and they come out and play once in a while. And, you know, we have to do some work and some 10th step and 11th step and sponsoring amends. You know? But when I get to that meeting, I'm thinking, you know, whatever. I'll just go and support these people. God and I have it. We got it. You know, we're like this. And I've got to tell you that I have found a relationship with the higher power as a direct result of attending that meeting and practicing that 11th step at home and everywhere that I am. And this little lady came in once and said, you know, my prayer in the morning, here I am, God. Here I am. That was it. She couldn't kneel. She had bad knees. So she just got up and said, you know, my prayer in the morning, here I am, God. Here I am. Then somebody else just said, you know, I get up in the morning and I say, there you are. You know? And little things like that. And I love it. You know, somebody said the other day when you get in your car and you're having a bad day or a bad morning or you're in fear or you're going to an interview or anything that you're going to go do, strap the passenger seat, you know, because God is with you. You know? And that's, it sounds a little weird. It sounds, but these are, you know, these are the things that I'm going to do. And I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it. And there you have it. That's what Christmas is. You know what I feel? I just likeoh, I feel good. I feel good. I feel like I'm ready and I just want it. And I mean important. You just spend 100,000 bucks a month in the living room and you just spend hundreds of dollars in the living room and my owner, to be honest with you, he and the rest of them don't have a picklekuunif. Now remember, the first thing that I talk about is that a skill, yes, you can have skills but I want everything, you know, whatever instrument you have in your hand, I want everything. Time concerns me. My desires and my needs, I can't take that. These guys, they can definitely, they serve me for life. You know what I'm saying? makes you comfortable. I like breath. I like walks. I like to be astonished. I like flowers. I like nature. I like all of that stuff. And I see my higher power in everything. And when I say I'm a prayer warrior, it's because, you know, I thank God for the gifts and I thank God for even the hardships at times. And it sounds weird that we thank God for the hardships. But, you know, it happens. After a while, we come to understand. After a while, we come to understand. We may not understand it as it happens, but, you know, sooner or later, we go, oh, okay, that's what's going on there, you know. I'm utilizing my experience to help other people. You know, and that brings me to my step 12. My step 12 in the 12 and 12 reads, it says, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. And the spiritual awakening is, you know, finding out that you're an alcoholic, having a higher power. Being clean in all your affairs. You know, taking those defects, you know, not working on them. Please don't work on your defects of character. You know, it's good to know what they are. It's good for your sponsor to know what they are, but don't try to work so hard on your defects of character. You know, most of my defects, they died out of neglect. You know, I work with you and this gets, you know, I don't know how that works. It's really strange. It says, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message, not my message, not the message that I read, but this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. And that means work, play, and home, right? You know, that's where we get to practice these principles. In the contents, in the 12 and 12, it says, joy of living is the theme of 12 step. Why would the joy be the theme of the 12 step? Because we're not here to be a glum lot. We didn't get sober to quit living. We live, I live a full life, you guys, and I live a full life as a result of good living. I have a lot of joy in my life. People that get to know me, they're a little bit nauseous, you know? If you know me, you're a little nauseous. And, you know, I can't apologize for that. You know, I live my life in a sense of, you know, I'm not here to be a glum lot. I'm here to be a person of currency. It's a matter of urgency for me. You know, my life depends on it. I have a responsibility to the people I sponsor. I take that responsibility. I don't want you to think that I, that every day I wake up and it's like, yay, I'm going to go to the meeting, I'm going to go to Washington, I'm going to, you know. It's not like that. It does not look like that. You know, everything is a bother if you really want to know the truth. Everything is an inconvenience. Everything is like, okay, you know, you get asked one word, okay, you know, it's free in the calendar, okay, you know, and you accept all these commitments, you know, in the meetings, in your home group, everywhere, in Alcoholics Anonymous, and then the day of, it's like, oh, you know, the day before, it's like, oh, yeah, that's where we're going again, you know, and that's exactly what it is. But as a result of that inconvenience, I get to live my life. I get to live the way that I live. And if you come from where I come from, I was born and raised in Nicaragua, smuggled into the United States, I'm a wetback for years. I'm a U.S. citizen today, though. This is being recorded. I'm a U.S. citizen today. Let me say that rather quickly. I grew up with an outhouse. I'm the youngest of seven. My mom had 11 kids. My dad died when I was eight years old. My mom walked to the United States of America. It took her three months to get here, you guys. She had five kids under 18 when my dad died. My mom never remarried because she didn't want to give us a step down, is what she said. You know, my mom worked. We've never been on your dime. You know, we've never taken any coupons or whatever, you know, welfare or nothing like that. We're hardworking people, you know. And the only thing that I regret, the only thing that I did, you know, because I love this United States of America, you know, is that I stole drugs. I drove drunk, you know, and I did those things, you know, and I'm hoping that I get to live a sober life, that I get to make amends to the community and to the people about me. But when you come from where I come from, you know, this is something that I cherish, that I take to heart. I never, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never want to take sobriety for granted. I never want to take meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous for granted. This is a gift. I have to treat it as a gift. I can't be up and down in my, in my home group and in the meetings that I attend or even the meetings that I get to visit, you know. I get to know all about you by the way that I see you treat your meetings. I don't have to go far to know how you live. We were on Zoom not too long ago and the people that were active in Alcoholics Anonymous were active on the Zoom meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the people that were already complacent and half measures is what, what we call them, they were half measures on Zoom. We never saw their faces. They're still blank, you know. And so I, I get to know people by the way that you do your meetings. I, I'm a big watcher. I, I watch people. I, I, I, I learn everything that I need to learn. Everything that you see here, everything that you hear here, I didn't go to school for it. Man, you gave it to me. The men and the women in Alcoholics Anonymous gave me everything that I have. My mother was so grateful that you guys had my back. My mom gave me my birthday cakes at the Downey Thursday meeting for, you know, since I was two years sober. You know, she would cook for you guys. She was so happy that I was here for, with you guys. Joy of living is the theme of 12 Step. Action is the key word. Giving that asks no rewards. You know, it says that we give and not expect anything, you know. And, and I'm a human being. I, I like to be acknowledged once in a while. You know that thank you card thing? You know, I love to get thank you cards. I, I love, I have a good friend in my home. I have a good friend in my home, in my home group. Now. I walk around always in, in that, not always, but you know, I always complain, oh, I don't have a bestie. Oh, I don't have a best friend sponsor. Everybody talks about having a bestie, I don't have a bestie. All I have is the girls that I sponsor. You know, and she's like, what's wrong with that? She says, do you make the time to have relationship with another girlfriend, you know, and, and time is the key. thing that I like the most in my life you know I'm always looking for a little a little window you know to go take a little walk with somebody a little window to go have you know tea with somebody you know it's always working because I still have my family so whenever I have a free spot you know I spend it with my sisters my siblings we have a good relationship you know and so you know I'm always lacking time so my sponsor says if you're not going to invest the time to have besties stop whining stop whining like I shut up I never said anything again. I like the rewards I like the rewards that I get it says you know we get with no sense of reward but I gotta tell you man I know what happens after I take a newcomer through the 12 steps I know exactly what happens and I like I'm one of those people that I get excited excited not going to pick you up not not when you call and you need a ride I don't get excited then but once you're in my car it's almost like simple I turn into like a different beast it's like a whole different person I don't know this happens here in Alcoholics Anonymous right and you get in my car my energy switches my shoulders you know I could sit there for like two hours and I'm aching my back aches I'm tired I'm sleeping the moment that I got you in my car boy man and then sometimes I share things and I don't know where the hell they came from oh my god sometimes I wish I had a recorder because it sounds really good and sometimes I have you know a gal that's like a tough nut you know she comes from the street a really rough you know like she's not buying all this guts business you know it's like she's like oh please don't tell me to you know pray again you know and you know she wants the action you know and then all of a sudden I say something and I see her little face just go you know and I said that you know and and I live for those moments I live for the moments where I can see where your life at home is becoming to pass and sweet relationships are mended I live for the moments man I'm a junkie I love that you know I love I'm 29 years sober and I think I've always had somebody under a year I'm always taking somebody through the steps always and when I'm not for a brief moment I'm looking you know I belong to a home group where we you know we fight for the new people you know it's like there's only one or two newcomers you know for the day and you see ten people so what I do is I go to other meetings you know I go to other meetings you know and and I go to other meetings and you know I don't volunteer to share I I always tell my girls don't volunteer to share unless the format of the meeting you know enables you to volunteer don't volunteer to be behind the podium or some flashy commitments you know you want a commitment you know take the broom go make coffee go behind the scenes you know but if I'm asked to talk if I'm asked to share don't ever turn that down you know I belong to a big home group and and sometimes I hear people at the podium say you know God I was hiding I avoided the secretary all year round and she finally caught me yeah don't do that it's a divine purpose you know if you get asked to do something in Alcoholics Anonymous it's divine it's spiritual you know and sometimes you know I have a gal that says I don't have nothing to share I don't have no story to share you know what everybody in this room has something to share if you be an alcoholic of the type that is describing the doctors of the health department or the health department or whatever you have in your opinion you've got a story and you've got a story that may not be similar to my story but it may be similar to Tina's or Linda or shall be you know you you don't know what's gonna get who I remember getting a baby only because I mentioned I like hummingbirds once and and she was sitting in that room and she loved hummingbirds and she related to the hummingbirds and she thought that was a sign I don't care I'll take it you know you we never know what we share you know I gave the best talk this morning at five o'clock in the morning I it was even better in the shower and you know and I have no idea because when we come up here you know we don't have a tank pitch you know we like to say we share from the heart you know I have a few notes here that I don't want to forget to to convey to you guys you know from from the twelve and twelve but but it is very important that don't ever avoid those commitments when you're being asked to share in your meetings of alcoholics anonymous 12 step what is a spiritual awakening I just shared with you guys we have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps you've got to take the steps um to have a spiritual awakening I I don't think you can have a spiritual awakening uh without taking the steps here in alcoholics Anonymous a new state of consciousness is being received as a free gift readiness to receive the gift lies in practice of the 12 steps I would describe to you guys what the practice of the 12 step looks like you know some people say you know you live on 10 11 and 12 you know I don't know if I live on 10 11 and 12 man sometimes I I'm I'm thirsty and I am dying for my third step you know because I have to turn it over I have to turn myself and my will over to the care of God and I love the prayer that says relieve me from the bondage of self I have a long to that I love hung on to that prayer as only a dying could be sometimes in my sobriety you know I I beg I get on that knees and I'm like please relieve me of the bondage itself whatever it is is going on for that day I've had the moments you know and and the seventh step and I'm all over the steps you know a lot of the times and so you know to say that I live on 10 11 and 12 you know I I don't think it would be a correct statement for me you know practicing the 12 steps whether you're in the room or not the magnificent reality rewards of helping other alcoholics kinds of 12-step work the 12 and 12 goes and talks about that that we call 12-step uh calls when we set up the meeting and make coffee and all of that and when I was new I used to tell my sponsor that's not 12-step you know until she explained to me that that we are creating the space for the 12 step to be to be delivered you know and I didn't know that I didn't know that I I thought you know God you need to sponsor people you know you know you gotta go work the room and catch yourself an incoming that's that's another thing that I have one of those uh I'm that kind of sponsor you know I'm always talking the girls into going to panels get you know getting the message out there please don't come to meetings and just sit you know we have work to do we need to work the room I call working the room just walking around paying attention who's new who's new to the meeting it doesn't have to even be a who's new to the meeting what do you need do you know where the literature is do you know where the bathroom is you know we get appointed you know hey how you doing what's your name I'm Rosie if you need anything here's my number you know that's working the room for me don't ever leave a meeting without having known who the new person is and I know we get caught up we get caught up in a little group of people you know it's like hey you know you know how long we can talk for you you know but we have to pay attention to the new newcomers and the new people the visitors to our meeting what about the practice of this principles in all over the affairs will not meet pain and calamity turn to good use by practice of steps and that has to do with our own experience right our own painful and and the calamities in our sobriety or everything that happens in our lives you know we say it happens for a reason and the only reason that I can think of is that we have to be patient and we have to be patient and we have to handle truth you know that is when we feel the deja vu so we start this And your the how we're trying to express people's NC is that we're just struggling with you know all the things that we feel like there's we're just unable to tell them what they feel like ever one of those I know our problems are therefore we keep asking ourselves it's very exciting in my achievements today and in in in my experiences such a start when I moved You know, it's called two-stepping. You know, you get sober, you get so excited, you want to just go save the world, you know, and you want to carry this message, but, you know, you don't have a message to carry. Now, I'm a true believer that if you are, you know, if you keep your sponsor a step away from, you know, where you're going, then that's great. A step ahead of you, you know, you stay a step ahead of the newcomer. You know, I think that's perfectly fine. You know, I'm not the kind of sponsor that say you've got to wait until, you know, you do the ninth step or the tenth step or you're done with your steps in order to sponsor anybody. You know, if you've taken your first step, you can bring somebody in. You can show somebody how to stay sober, you know, for a week, two weeks, three weeks, a month. You know, you can sit with somebody and read the doctor's opinion together, even if you're four months, five months. You know, the literature is meant to be read with people. You know, I try. I started reading the big book by myself my first year. You know, I didn't have a sponsor because I was not an alcoholic and I was not like you people. I read the book. You know, nothing happened. Have you read the book? Yeah, I read the book. I read it in a week. You know, but something happens when you read it with other people, you know. So I'm a true believer that you can start doing that right away. You can give rights to the newcomers, you know. Go to the recovery homes and pick people up. That's 12-step. Growing spiritually is the answer to our problems. Placing spiritual growth first. Domination and over dependence. Putting our lives on give and take basis. Dependence upon God necessary to recover of alcoholics. Practicing these principles in all of our affairs. Domestic relations in AA. I've been put in situations where I have a newcomer. I have a wife that the husband does not know anything about. Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I get to go visit their home if they let me, right? You know, some people are very protective. Right now I'm working with one guy that does not want to have anything to do with us. You know, and barely is letting her, you know, come to meetings. And Zoom was fine. But now that we're back live in all of my meetings, my Monday through Thursday, you know, I go to four meetings a week that are my committed meetings. And we're back in person. You know, she's having a hard time. She's having trouble leaving the house, you know. And so I've offered, you know, to go and meet him and to explain, you know, what we're about. Maybe drop off some pamphlets and, you know, answer any questions he may have. We have open meetings in Alcoholics Anonymous where you can bring, you know, your family, your mate, you know, to come and meet us. You know, there's nothing wrong with us, you know. I am not a counselor by any means. But I've been married, happily married for 23 years. And if you ask me anything about alcohol, I'm not going to answer that. I'm not going to tell you anything about how we do things at home. I'll tell you. You know, I'll tell you about our financial affairs. I'll tell you about our love affair. You know, there's nothing wrong with sharing my experience in that respect. And a lot of us are handicapped in that area. You know, a lot of people. We have problems with people. And this is why the sense of urgency of working out the steps. I believe that step nine will subdue the lie. When you make thorough amends. I am a true believer that your relationship with God is not a lie. Your relationship with people change. At least it was my experience. So domestic problems, we have them. And even though I'm not a counselor, I do get to hear the problems. And I do get to give suggestions. You know, I don't have any children. I have my stepdaughter, Lauren, who's now 31 years old. And we have a great relationship today. It wasn't always like that. But we have a good relationship today. And so I have sponsored girls with kids. And sometimes they say, well, you know, that's not your experience. You know, you don't have nothing to say to me. You know. But I mean, I have the experience. But because I sponsor other women with kids, I have them talk to each other. You know. And then I get to learn how you're doing your deal with the kids. And I learn, you know, from going to meetings and how to let go. And maybe this works. And I give ideas. You know. And it's all trial and error here, you know. Try and see if this works for you. You know. Or I know that I don't have all the answers. You know. My sponsor teaches me that. You know. When my sister had cancer, she had me call somebody else. And I said, why am I calling this person? You know. I don't know her. Oh, she's been through that. She can give you some idea. And it ended up being that this person worked at the hospital that my sister ended up being at. You know. And I had inside information, you know, before, you know, the doctor gave it to us. And so. And then, you know, that was the do. So I know that I don't have all the answers. You know, sponsors may not have all the answers. But you want to go ahead and give them the benefit of the doubt. And let your sponsor tell you who you can go to talk to. You know, it is very important for us to be able to share. Right? So do feelings about personal importance, instincts restored to true purpose. Understanding is key to right attitudes, right action, key to good living. So we're talking about living sober, living in the 12 steps, passing this deal on, and as a result of these steps, we get to live a full life here, right? In the 12 and 12, step 12, it says, here we begin to practice all 12 steps of the program in our daily life so that we and those about us may find emotional sobriety. What does that look like? You know, the people about us to have emotional sobriety, you know, for the way that that looks in my home is that I am not the wreck that I used to be. I am not the person that's coming with all the problems and the drunken problems. You see, my mom used to stay up all night long, you know, with her beads, you know, probably praying me sober into Alcoholics Anonymous as well. But I got to tell you that, you know, people about us worry. I know that we are in sobriety and they see us and we get to change our attitudes at home. You know, they are a little bit more sober themselves also as a direct result of our sobriety. You know, it is said that every alcoholic affects, you know, 20 other people around you when you're active, you know, when you're drinking. You know, the same thing happens when you're sober. Your sobriety affects the people about you and then we get to have emotional sobriety. I'm the youngest of seven. I grew up with them calling me La Loca. You know, that's all that they called me was La Loca. I was always out in nightclubs and wreaking havoc and not coming home. And, you know, now that I'm in sobriety being the youngest, you know, they call me. They call me for suggestions. And I can't tell you when that happened in sobriety. I can tell you that my amends were very thorough with my family members, you know, and we have a lot of problems in my family. And I can tell you that now they believe me. They believe that I have something sound and something sober to share about. You know, and that's a direct result of being here with you guys. And the more that I teach, the more that I learn. And the way that I share with the newcomers, the more that I learn. The more that I read the book, the more that it comes back to me. You know, it's just the way it is. I'm not going to pretend to try to explain it. On page 110, it says, To watch the eyes of men and women open with wonder as they move from darkness into light. To see their lives quickly filled with new purpose and meaning. To see whole families reassembled. To see the alcoholic outcast received back into his community in full citizenship. And above all, to watch these people awaken to the presence of a loving God in their lives. These things are the substance of what we receive as we carry AA's message to the next alcoholic. How can you not want to do that? How can you come to meetings and not do anything? How can you not want to do that? And not do anything to carry this message? How can you leave this meeting and go back to your routine, whatever that is, that does not resemble Alcoholics Anonymous? You know, leaving here and going over there and cursing the husband and the kids and the yelling and the anger and, you know, it's... We cannot live like that. We will drink again. I've seen that happen. You know, and for some of us, some of our defects stay for a little while. You know, I don't have any defect that I love. You know, I don't love any of my defects. I want to get rid of my defects, you know, for the day. You know, whatever it is, it's going to make me useful, you know. And in step seven, God will remove those defects that will stand in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. And that defect may very well be sloth. You know? I mean, really. You know, I hear that your meetings opened up a couple of weeks ago in person. You know, congratulations. You know, what does that look like? You know, I have been a part of the opening up of our meetings in town. And that meant that I'm healthy. I don't have any issues. You know, and I know that if I protect myself, I'm going to be fine. A little fear, because I'm a fear-based person. Everything about me is fear. You know? But I was present in those meetings, helping to put up the chairs and the tables to see who showed up and what the commitments were going to look like. You know, I'm a part of the solution. You know, I don't go to meetings waiting for you guys to do it for me. I am hoping that if I leave you with anything this morning, I am hoping that I leave you with a sense of enthusiasm that we have in this weekend fanned a little bit of that fire to enable you to go out there and go back to your meetings with a little resolution to do it a little bit different. It sounds a little preachy. You know? I don't care. Um... If we don't do it, who will? I'm going to leave you with this. I'm a drunk. And I had a really tough time in my life and I didn't know that I was dying. I didn't know that I was dying. I didn't know. I thought maybe I had problems with drugs. I had no idea what alcoholism was. I didn't know that alcoholism happened when I'm not drinking. I had no idea. I had no idea. I had no clue. I showed up to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous bloated 165 pounds. No neck. Because I was bloated. I was drinking everything under the moon beer back. And when you drink beer 24-7, you're going to be a little chunky. You know what I mean? I had no toenails due to malnutrition. But I was going to go dancing. Because that's what I do. Even in sobriety. My whole house is burning down and I am out vacuuming. In full flight from reality. And I showed up to this meeting in Downey on a Tuesday night. And my brother has said, you know, pick up a directory and the directory is going to have the list of meetings. Now it's online for right now because we don't know what meetings are going to be there when we come back. But we pick up a directory and that's going to show you the meetings that you're going to be in. And that's going to show you the meetings that you're, you know, in your area. And there was a lady there after the meeting. That Tuesday night. Her name was Marguerite. She's not with us anymore. Don't know if she died sober. But she was standing next to the literature table that evening doing her commitment after the meeting. I don't know how many of you guys stay after the meeting. But she was standing there. I came to that meeting not being an alcoholic. Dying of alcoholism. And this lady gave me a directory. And I tried to give her $5 because I knew you poor people needed the money. I took a directory and I ended up on my second meeting. And an old timer gave me a commitment. I'm a total byproduct of commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm a total byproduct of commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous. If you don't have a commitment in the meetings you attend, you must leave this conference and go to the secretary and ask for a commitment. And if that secretary is a little new and doesn't know any better, you know, go to the old timer because we make up commitments here. I have never turned away anybody that have asked me for a commitment in a meeting of alcoholics Anonymous. I am a total byproduct of commitments. I stayed making coffee at that Tuesday night meeting, you know, not being an alcoholic for a long time. Until somebody shared a little chunk of my story. Newcomer, I am hoping that you have heard something this morning that will enable you to keep coming back. But if you didn't, please go to another meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because sooner or later you too will hear a little chunk of my story. The spirit of identification. Don't ever forget that we get to go to meetings and share about alcoholism. That is our purpose here. Alcoholism. Tell me how you drank and what are you doing now not to drink again. Because this is why I'm here today and this is why I'm alive. I want to thank everybody for being here this morning. I love you and there is nothing that you can do about that. Thank you for having me.