He Was the Drunk in Charge of Discipline at a Catholic High School – Tim H.

that's right these guys better cheer got it hi everybody my name is Tim Hyland I'm an alcoholic I've had the beautiful wonderful gift of sobriety since April the 12th of 1990 and that's been absolutely positively the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm good to be down here in Atlanta. And, Jerry, I want to thank you for inviting us Kentucky boys to come down here. We, like I say, jumped in the car at 10 o'clock this morning and just got here about 45 minutes ago. Just love the traffic in Atlanta, by the way. How you all stay sober with that traffic, I don't know. But it's really, really good to me. It's really good for me to be here, and I appreciate it. And I think I've been on the meeting before in Zoom, And so all the Zoom people out there, I know some of you from the past and it's always good to see you. And so, all of the guys, we kind of went old school, right? I grew up in that time in AA where they said, get in the car, you know, we're going somewhere. And we went everywhere. You know, a lot of these guys that are with me tonight in their very early sobriety, you know, got in the Car and one time even on an airplane and came with me to a conference. And so we decided we hadn't been on a road trip for a while, so we jumped in the car and did it. And, you know, I've always said to these guys, and by the way, because they sacrificed to ride all the way down here for me and because they're very humble people, they asked me if I would mention each one of their names. So I've got Sponsee Scott, Sponsea Nick, Sponcea Kevin, Spongea Steve, and then uh kevin sponsee jay and nick sponsey steven so we've got a whole family here so welcome guys and of course i hope that tells you what a is all about right and uh you know i've always told all of them you know aa can be as small as you want it or it can be as big as you wanted you know it's up to you and i have you know we have people in Louisville that never get out of their home group. And boy, it's been so great getting out into all parts of the country and meeting different people. And certainly Zoom has made our AA world so much bigger, but there's nothing like getting eyeball to eyeball face-to-face, you know, with another drunk. And so we had a lot of good times coming down talking about a lot of different things, you know, and those types of meetings you just can't replace, you know they're better than anything. My home group is the Lampton Group. I got my friend David up there who's from my home group who's on the screen. My sponsor is a wonderful man from Ontario named Butch M and as I said my sobriety date is April 12th of 1990 and I'm very grateful for that and you know I just share with you the longer I've been around 33 coming home almost 34 years coming up in April, I really have come to believe that we are part of one of the greatest love stories of all times. You know, I think Alcoholics Anonymous, when you break it down to its roots, it's just love, right? It's one alcoholic helping another alcoholic. It's the less broken helping the more broken at any given time. And sometimes I'm the less broken and sometimes I'm the more broken. The thing is, we're all not broken at the same time, right? And these two stories I have to tell you because I think they so much for me at least epitomize what Alcoholics Anonymous means. My home group, as all these guys know, is kind of down in the hood in Louisville, Kentucky. It's kind of done in the inner city, right, and that's where I got sober. That's where grew up in AA, and as a direct result of that, a large percentage of the guys I sponsor are African-Americans or black men, right? And I don't think a lot about it. You know, it's just where I grew up in AA. But several years ago, I was down that way and I was getting up on the expressway and I got hit in the rear end. And the guy that hit me was an elderly black man and his wife. And we're standing in the middle of the street waiting for the police to come. Now, keep in mind, I'm only about two blocks from my home group. Well, about that time here come two guys down the side of the Street. They're both black. They ran over to me. They go, hey, Tim, you okay, buddy? You doing all right? I go, yeah, guys, I'm all right. By that time, here come two guys from the other side of the street, both black men. They ran over to me. Hey, Tim. You okay, buddies? Yeah, guys. Car comes off expressway. Five guys in there, all black. They stopped the car, jumped out, hugged me and said, Tim are you hurt? Can we take you anywhere? I said, guys no, go ahead, man. I'm okay. I didn't even think anything about it, right? And I turned around an elderly black man had hit me with standard. He went, who are you anyway. You know, and I didn't know what to say to that guy, but I realized that our book says we are people who normally would not mix, right? What grows up amongst us is a fellowship that's indescribably wonderful, and it is so wonderful. If you're new, you know, we don't care where you came from. We don't cares what color you are. We do not care what your religion is. We do not cares what your sexual preference is. If If you have a problem with alcohol and you want to get sober, then welcome. We're glad you're here. It's as simple as that. And, you know, there's not too many places in the world anymore, y'all, where you can go and find that type of love, right? That type of acceptance. And I don't ever want to forget how grateful I am to land in Alcoholics Anonymous and find it no matter where I go, right, whether it's Louisville, whether its Atlanta or wherever. you know i grew up in an irish catholic family in louisville kentucky and it wasn't if you were going to drink it was when and how good were you going to do it right my daddy was one of those drunks that if he didn't uh if he doesn't stop by the tavern we knew what was showing up at the door right restless irritable and discontent i always share this because what i'll tell you is alcohol did for me alcohol worked for me before i ever tasted it and what i mean is my dad would come in and i'd be 10 years old sitting at the kitchen table there and i'll watch him and he'd come in with that look on his face like he's going to kill us all but then he'd reach up and get that yellowstone whiskey and he pop them a big old hit of it then he take a can of beer and knock it all the way back and go book book book and his head would go and i was sitting there watching going oh i don't know what just happened there but i'm in i am in you know i saw it man i'm 10 years ago guy said you know what tim if you're catching a buzz at 10 years of watching people drink, you're probably going to have a problem. Because I liked what it did for me, right? No matter what I told you, it gave me that sense of ease and comfort, you know, and I needed it so badly. And I started drinking as a teenager, about 14 years old, and it worked exactly like I had hoped, right, it made everything okay. The world came alive, I could do what it seems like the other guys were doing so easily, right. I mean, they could talk to girls, they can dance, I couldn't do that stuff right but i got that hooch in me i could do all that and i thought god this god made this stuff for guys like me and i was going to run with it you know from the very beginning and i did you know i work with a lot of young guys today and you know I realized when I was their age I had hopes and dreams and aspirations I mean I didn't want to grow up be a drunk. I didn't want to grow up being AA. In fact, in the state of Kentucky, if you can shoot a basketball through a hoop up there, it's a big deal, right? We love the basketball. And that was my childhood dream is to growup and get a scholarship to division one school to play basketball. It's all I cared about. That's all spent my time doing. And God, fortunately, I grew to be six foot four. And that happened. I became an all city player and all-state player and i got that scholarship to division one college you know back in 1966 st louis university which at that time played in the same league with louisville and cincinnati and memphis state and uh it was a big deal right i was the first one to go to college in my family much less go with all that notoriety and i left louis with to go with pursue the most important thing i'd ever wanted my whole life and i had spent my whole wife to 18 years trying to get there in those days you couldn't play as a freshman like you can now but by the first game of my sophomore year I showed up so drunk to the game that the other players had to hide me way down at the end of the bench so they wouldn't throw me out of school so it's like going to watch Georgia Tech or Georgia or whoever you watch down here and on the endofthebench one of the kids is drunk and what happened that day you guys was real simple I was walking down the street a guy said hey, you want to get a drink? I said, well, yeah. I always said, yeah, because they had a mind that would say, okay, I'll go have a couple of beers with you. Come home, get a nap, get up, take a shower, go to the game. I'll probably be the hero. That's what I thought. At 18, I don't know anything about a physical allergy or a mental obsession. And I certainly didn't know anything about phenomena craving, right? And if you'd asked me or told me at that time that the first beer was my problem I'd have told you you were nuts and you know but the truth is for the next 27 years I tried to find out where the cutoff spot was where does a guy cut it off where the consequences don't come and I don't know about you all but I never found the cutoffs never anyway I was off and running and so from 18 19 years old alcohol became the main thing in my life, alcohol moved right past the most important thing in my life at that point in time. And so from there on, it was going to be really simple for alcohol to go by my education, to go buy my marriage, to goes by my kids, because it already went right by something I wanted more than anything in the world. So anyway, I ended up playing through my junior year and I got hurt and I couldn't play my senior year and you know what is so sad is I didn't even care what it was the most important thing my whole life alcohol had already relegated to that point of I don't care anymore I like the lifestyle I had I liked the ripping and the running and the drinking and the partying and all that was gone it had become the main thing in my life and everything else was going to be secondary to that so i hung around uh i didn't play my senior year but unfortunately i had to graduate the next year my grades weren't very good but they said you got enough credit you got to get out i was like well i don't really want to get up because i got nowhere to go and the other part was in 1970 there was a thing called the vietnam war going on and that was not going real well three of my buddies already been brought home in body bags right and they had a thing called the draft lottery where they drew your birthday out of a hat to see when you're going i was number six out of 365 you know i made the top 10 so i'm going and the deal was i grew up in a family i wasn't going to run to canada i wasnít going to you know do that type of thing i was going to go but it certainly wasn't high on my priority list either i'll tell you that now there were two ways you guys get out of the draft back then you could get married i thought oh my god that's awful drastic or you could go to grad school right i said that's what i gotta do then i gotta get in grad school so i came up at 23 years old i don't know if any of you did this i came out with a plan for the rest of my life and god was just laughing his butt off i'm sure about my plan but my plan was this and i know it's going to sound insane to some of you, but some of you are going to understand perfectly. I thought, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take the test to get into law school. I want to pass that test. I want to get in law school and graduate from law school. Then someday I'm going to run for Congress, someday President of the United States. You know, I thought if you're going to have a plan, have a plan. You know another thing, it's a short trip for me from street drunk to President of United States, I can get there. Anyway, I took the test i got a terrible score on the lsat and the law school turned me down and now i remember thinking oh my god i better come up with a new plan or i'm gonna be over in the rice paddies shooting them up pretty quick right and it hits me tim quit drinking man quit drinking and take that law test again because you got the brains to get into law school for the next five weeks i don't drink a drop and it was awful right you know people are partying it was during the spring time, I got this real smart guy down the hall and he tutored me every day on how to take that test. Five weeks, dryer in a bone, I gave it the best I had. Came down to the day before the second test. For some reason, I thought, you know what? I'm ready. In fact, what I'm going to do is go ahead and have a couple of beers so I can relax, come back, get a good night's sleep, get up, take that test, pass that test, get into law school, Congress, President of the United States. Same plan, one little upfront change if you paid attention there. I left Friday afternoon for those two beers. I didn't get back to that campus the following Tuesday. Found out later on, I rode around St. Louis on a city bus about a day and a half. And what I know today is called a blackout. And when I got to AAU, I did not know what a black out was. I did know I used to start somewhere, end up somewhere else with a big old chunk of time gone. And I didnít take a whole lot about it. And if youíre new and thatís happening in your life, that is not right. you know, that is not the way it's supposed to be. You know, I think God really started to have fun with me about this time because about three, two or three in the morning, I'm drunk and I know I'm not going to take the test, but I went back to the dormitory and I found that real smart guy who tutored me and I paid him 20 bucks to go take the tests for me. And I'm not proud of that, but you could do that in those days very easily. Jerry's nodding his head. And so he went and took the test for me and i stayed drunk for three days i even forgot he took the test about three weeks later we got results but the test the guy took in my name guy got the highest score in the history of the law school i remember opening the envelope going you idiot god almighty look what you've done to me he doubled the score i got in the first one and i knew i was in trouble right i said i better get to them before they get to me and I made an appointment to go see the dean at a law school. So here you are, guys, 23 years old, Mr. Hero Child, Mr., All City, Mr, All State. Four short years later, I'm standing in front of the dean of a major law school lying through my teeth saying, Dean, you're probably wondering about the difference in them scores. Hey, listen, I decided I didn't want to be a lawyer. I let some other guy take it. How did he do anyway? As if I didn'T know, right? And I knew that he knew I was lying. But what I wanted to share with is i left that office that day and i don't know why this happened for one brief moment i knew the truth right and you know because it went through my mind tim you know what the problem is man it's the booze the booge took the basketball your life the booves took your chance to go to law school you know it tim you Know It and for that moment it was that clear just didn't last very long right i left out of that office there were two guys that i know and he said hey you want to go get a drink I said, you bet I need a drink. That guy really screwed me over. And that was 1970, you all. It was going to be 20 years until I showed up into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. But what I can tell you is I look back, even in those four short years, alcohol and alcoholism took from me the very things I would fight you over today. Took my dignity. Took my integrity. Took my trust in myself. Took my confidence. You know, it took those things I think we call a moral fiber. We know it takes our jobs, it takes our money, it take our relationship, but it also takes that stuff deep down inside us that I think all really want as human beings. And the reason I know that's true over the last 33 years you all have helped restore a sense of purpose in my life. You've helped restore trust in myself and confidence in myself and some security that I never ever had. And I say that because that has been one of the greatest gifts That I've gotten back in Alcoholics Anonymous You know, that sense of wellness That sense of being okay with me No matter what else is going on in my life You know and that's so important You know I came back after the law school debacle And of course I had to live with mom and dad You know that would not be the last time either So I'm back home with mom And dad And you know I had met my high school sweetheart when we were seniors in high school, about Christmas time. And so we dated from Christmas to when I went off to school. I went to St. Louis. She stayed in Louisville. For the next four years, we had one of those on and off type of relationships, right? But I'm out that one day at mom and dad's and I run into my old girlfriend. Man, she looked great. She looked really good. She was driving this little yellow sports car. I stopped and talked to her. She told me about this great job she had, about this Great Apartment she was living in. And I remember thinking, I think I'm falling in love here. you know that was august of 1970 we got married in november of 1970 didn't want to rush it you know and uh so hang on we got buried november 1970 we Got Divorced in 1983 got back together in 1985 got divorced again in 1987 and remarried when i got sober in 1990 but then we got divorced of 1995. You know, it's interesting. Hey, you can share that. Everybody goes, okay, we got it. You share that in my office. People go, what? Are you kidding me? What's that all about? Well, I can tell you what it's all about now. It's all About alcohol and alcoholism and everything that goes with it, right? I love him. I hate him. He's good. He is bad. If you don't know, there's a thing called alcoholism middle of any relationship pretty much an impossible deal right and that's why I have a big place in my heart for Alano because if there ever was a family disease this is it right everybody around us gets really really sick and I have big appreciation for that and I think you'll understand as I go on with my story so anyway I also want to share in that marriage though we had three beautiful children and as a daddy how about this gift how about having your oldest son born on Christmas morning in 1971, 9 a.m., God sent us our first son on Christmas morning. What a gift, huh? Except I missed the gift. The best I could do that morning, I was in the hospital, but I was at the men's room with my head in a toilet bowl spitting up whiskey and all I could think is I got to get out of here and get a drink. And I did. And you know, guys, not a Christmas goes by that I don't think of that morning. That Christmas baby of mine now it's 53 years old but not a christmas goes by that i don't remember that i couldn't be there that day to receive such a beautiful gift from god and honestly that son of mine the oldest son has been my toughest toughest i'm in all right and i guess it rightfully so he was the first one and he probably took the biggest hit of my alcoholism and i keep working on it and i keep treating him as i would treat you know anybody that i love and although i don't get it back in return you know what you all have taught me is my job is always to love comfort and understand my job does not based on what your reaction is to it but i will tell you this he has three beautiful girls a set of twins and another little baby little girl and those three girls love me to death they've never seen their pawpaws drink and even my son has a hard time admitting that you know that he said to me one time he said dad I am so grateful and glad that my little girls have never had to see you the way I had to say you know and if that's as good as it ever gets you all that'll be just fine with me you know anyway I did when I came back to Louisville I needed a job. So they hired me because I played basketball and I had a college degree to be the dean of students at an all-boys Catholic high school in Louisville. So what that school did, they hired a drunk to be in charge of discipline at their school. I'll tell you a quick story because it's a great one. So I'm sitting there one day. This is back in the 70s, right? And all the kids got that long hair, you know, we got them army jackets with it. You smell that marijuana everywhere. And I'm sitting there one morning, big old head, just trying to get to nine o'clock. And this kid's up over me and he's just swaying back and forth on my desk like this. Eyes are all glassed up. He looks at me, goes, hey, Mr. Highland, you're looking bad, dude. I said, hey. Hey, I'm in charge here by a guy. Let me share this with you. The reason I share about that kid that day, this coming July, he will celebrate 39 years in alcoholics and violence. He lives down in Destin, Florida, and he's pretty much a multimillionaire. And I went down a couple of years ago to speak and he met me at the airplane with his kids. He runs over and goes, Coach, come here. He said, look, I ain't never told my kids now how it was. He said I'll make you a deal. You don't say anything about me. I won't say a thing about you. And, you know, one of the gifts I've gotten in Alcoholics Anonymous is that a lot of those boys that I tried to teach and coach back in the 70s, guess where they're showing up? Right in the middle of AlcoholicsAnonymous. And I've gotten to sponsor some of the same guys I tried to teach and coach back in the 70s. In fact, in the south end of Louisville where that school is, invariably, if I walk into an AAV, one of them will be there and they'll jump up and go, huh, we knew you'd be here. I go, yeah, I knew you would be here too, you little shit. But it really has been a blessing. And, you know, I would say that to you that God has given me such grace that almost every area of my life that have messed up so badly. He's given me a chance to kind of redo that, you know, and working with these young guys that I knew back then has been one of those things. It's been beautiful. You know, but I did the teaching and coaching thing for eight or nine years, and it was ugly. Don't get me wrong. There wasn't nothing funny about it. You know? Showing up to PTA meetings drunk, showing up to parent-teachers conference drunk. Once in a while, I'd show up to a parent- teachers conference, and some of the dads that would show up were drinking with me at the bar earlier in the day you know I can't even imagine that happening with my kids and my grandkids today and you know so I left the teaching and coaching thing and I won't get into all of this but there's something that's always been part of me maybe I'll identify maybe you won't I have this tendency no matter where I'm at I might be on your team I'll be working for you I might beat a relationship but I will start to notice that I'm not getting the respect that a man of my stature should be getting. It's awful. It really is, Jerry. Even in alcoholic synonymous, I started noticing I'm not getting respect. The guy 33 years sober should be good. You know the good thing about AA? Nobody gives a damn. You guys were real clear. You said, look, Tim, if you want what we have, come on in and sit down. If not going down to the next meeting or going down to the bar, we don't care. We'll be here. But that piece And as we know, as we get into the big book and read about that, the core of our disease is my former sponsor. Don talked about a lot of selfishness and self-centeredness. And I've been working on that for the last 33 years. And even since I stopped drinking and I'll talk about that a little bit, I've had consequences in my life because of the rest of alcoholism without the booze. Because of my anger, because of my resentment, because by impatience, I have had consequences at five years sober, 10 years sober. and I'll talk about that just a little bit. But anyway, I left teaching and coaching because I wouldn't get the respect a man of my stature should be getting, and I got into business like I'm going to do it myself. And if you pay attention to most of our stories, we love starting our own businesses. Most of them never go very far, but we start our own businesses a lot. And I started my insurance business in 1980. Let me tell you about the 1980s was not a good decade. I already told you got divorced in 83, remarried in 85, divorced in 87, remaried in 90. There were two other engagements in between time there. I was in a nut house three different times. I wasn't five car accidents. I lived 12 different places at 14 different business partners. I got shot at twice and I got stabbed with a beer bottle and I lost a quarter million dollars. And I was thinking, well, this is going okay. You know, we're always kind of like the last to know man i don't know what that's all about but anyway from 1982 to 85 i went through five psychiatrists that was real simple actually as i look back on it i would keep them till they started talking about alcohol he talked about alcohol fired him got me a new guy i was drinking booze and taking every antidepressant they ever made in the 80s and uh just getting more miserable all the time right you look back upon it and you just it's interesting that everybody else knows except you, right? It's just a shame. You know, I was living with my mom and dad in 1985. I got thrown out for the first time, I guess it was, and I ended up in the asylum, right, and my brother Tommy drove me over that day because it was New Year's Eve that day, and i was living with my Mom and Dad, you know, at 42 years sober. In fact, I used to run into guys I went to high school with. They'd say, hey man, what are you doing now? I said, well, I own my own company. I'm president of my own company. They'd say, no kidding. Where are you living? I'd say mom and dad. But I want to share the story because this is my alcoholism in a bucket. That day, the thrill was gone. That day I knew that alcohol was never, ever going to do for me again what I thought it did for me all that time. My buddy had disappeared because no matter how much whiskey I drank that day, the thrill was gone and it wasn't coming back. And our book talks about when we learn, we can't live with it and we can'T live without it. We got a problem. So my brother Tommy drug me to our local asylum, which sits up on the hill. It's called Our Lady of Peace of all things. And they checked me in. And this is what happens. I go in this little room, the lady sits down next to me and I just want to die. I just didn't know how to do it. And then she says to me, honey, why don't you tell me about it? What's going on with you? And I said, okay, well, all right. I'll tell you, you know, well my first wife she threw me out for no reason that I can think of and then I got engaged to this other woman and God, she took off with the ring and I haven't even paid for it and then, oh yeah, I tell you my dad went to prison when I was 12 and the longer I talked the better I felt, you now and I looked up and this lady looks at me right in the eyes and she said, well honey you certainly have a right to feel the way you do And I was like, oh my God, you're right, lady. What was I thinking? If people messed over you like they messed over me, by God, you'd be in the nut house too. I wasn't there an hour and I was cured because I just had forgotten. It wasn't me at all. It was you guys. It had always been you guys and if I could get out of here and get around the right people, I'm going to be okay. I spent the next 16 days in the asylum trying to help everybody else. I swear they made me head of the stress class. I did. I got a blue ribbon for the best ceramic and shop. You know, I was killing it in there. I was killin' it. And I got out of there, you guys, and I did what I always did. I started over. Got me a new girlfriend, got me a business partner, got me an old wife, got me my new place to live. I was always startin' over. And if you listen to our stories in AA, we're the best starter-overs in the world. Can't finish much of anything but being flat start over, baby. Got back with my most frequent wife, as I call her, when I came out of that. And we really tried. We did. We bought a new home. We bought an old car. We tried to change everything that we could to make this thing work. But then the old guys would say to me, Tim, wherever you go, there you are. Meaning the drunk was in the middle of the room no matter where you put me. It took me a long time to come to grips with that. You know, and she threw me out late again in 1989 when I spent the last six months of my drinking. I think about living in one of my friend's houses, and one of his sons happens to be here right tonight. And I lived in that house, and that's where God was going to find me. Because one night I went out, and of course I was embarrassed enough that I was living in somebody else's house being president of my own company. But I came in that night and, you know, drunk two in the morning or so and that of course the family was already asleep I was living with of course and as I remembered I sit on the edge of the bed I drank the last couple beers he had in his refrigerator and watched ESPN go off the air so that tells you how long ago it was and all of a sudden I had the craziest feeling ever ahead I got all clammy prickly I thought I was having a heart attack as I remember and I remember thinking maybe I should go to the emergency room but I passed out and my clothes on the bed, right? And I woke up about five in the morning. And again, I set up and I had that same crazy, crazy feeling, but I said to hell with it. I got up to go to the shop about halfway to the shower. I just collapsed. And I just said, God, I'm so tired. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I've lost my home again. I'd lost my wife again. I've lost my kids again, and I'm about to lose my business. I got up, got dressed after the chart. I went into my office, you all, in my office in the insurance business. It was a very busy place. I mean, people were in and out all day. People, the phone rang all day, right? April 12th, 1990, I sat down at quarter to eight in the morning. I didn't move a muscle to noon. Four hours, 15 minutes, and you know what? The phone never rang one time, and nobody came in the office that morning. And I remember thinking, you know, the book talks about a moment of clarity and what I can tell you somewhere in that four hours and 15 minutes, something happened. And all I could think about is it's over. I didn't know when it was over, but I remember thinkin' it's ove-er. And I reached in my desk drawer and there was a meeting directory of Alcoholics Anonymous that a guy had given me two and a half years before. It was right there in my drawer the whole time. And that was a Thursday and I went out to the Tolkien Club to a meeting that afternoon and And that was my first meeting. What I'll share with you tonight, 33 years later, what a ride it has been the last 33 years. And I'm going to be honest with you. I've been up and down all around just about every emotion you could possibly have over the last33 years. The reason I say that, man, when I got sober, I was really hoping this sobriety thing was going to me about the absence of problems in little Timmy's life. And you all said, oh, no, little Timby, who told you that? there's a little timmy here's what sobriety is about you're going to get to be part of life tim and you're gonna get to me there in body mind and in spirit and when they said that the bell went off because my wife used to say to me all the time tim you're not even here when you're here i'd say what i'm sitting right in this chair can't you see me but i read the big book you know what it says have a disease of body mind spirit and if you can only bring your body and you can't bring your mind and you can't bring your soul. You're just a body in the room. You are just a body in The Room. You can't be a husband, you can be a dad, you can't Be A Granddad. You'Re Just A Body In The Room And I'M Telling You That'S Where I Was. It Was The First Time I Realized That There'S A Lot More To This Thing Of Recovery To Just Stop Drinking. I'M Gonna Have To Do Something With The Other Part Of Me With This Crazy Mind And With This Broken Spirit That I have. And that's when I got more serious about the middle of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, four through nine. And even after that, getting more active in 10, 11 and 12, you know because of the direct result of that for example, I lost my marriage at five years sober. All right if you paid attention Colsey again at 1995. And I was crushed because I thought man I'm doing everything you guys asked me. Sponsoring a bunch of dudes, I got meetings all over the place? I mean, what the hell? How come I still lose my marriage? Now, again, if you'd have asked me back then when she left me, I would have told you something like, well, you know, you guys, it's unfortunate. You know, she was going to Al-Anon and then she stopped. And, you know, I've been in AA just rolling like a weed spiritually. And I think we just moved part that was so much garbage the thing was i was still the self-centered guy i'd always been and i didn't pay attention to her i didn'T pay attention TO what was going on at home you know in the book you know our 12 steps are very very they're so so specific and so good because the 12 step clearly tells us look we want you to get sober so you can help other alcoholics and practice those principles in all your affairs very clearly it says that because it's saying it doesn't say anything after that but basically what it says if you don't probably going to have consequences and don't we always see it you know we see problems in marriages problem guys getting fired continue to lose money continue to have sex addiction i mean if we do not commit to all 12 steps you know god told me one time timbers 12 steps for reason you think took me a hard time to accept that you know i would have been happy with the first three and you know the first part of the 12 step you know let me surrender myself and go help you you know and go out and help some drunks so anyway you know that was been my journey uh i'll share this part of my story on that because you know uh when we share about relationships and Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I don't know if we're any worse than other people. Yeah, we are. We're a lot worse than most people. But anyway, it's always been an embarrassing thing for me. And when I lost those marriages, I mean, it was painful for me, I was, you know, and I go to the old timers, they'd say, guys, Tim, just keep helping drunk son, just keep helping drunks. And thank God for that. Because I'll tell you, the only thing I have done consistently for 33 years is keep a drunk in front of me, right? Here's a bunch of them right here tonight sit right in front of me and i don't know how that works because it reminds me what i am and who i am as long as i know who iam and what iam then i have a chance all right when i forget that when i get away from you and i forgetthat then i get myself in real danger but anyway so i kept helping drunks so after that marriage in 1995 so i'm helping for the next year. I'm helping drunks for the next year, I get in the third year and like God, I don't mind helping drunks, God, but boy, I'd really like to have a female partner to help drunks with if you don't why did I do that? Bam there she was right in the middle of alcoholics it was like a miracle. She was five years more sober than me. She was involved in a I was involved in AA. We dated for the mandatory three months and got married big AA wedding. My sponsor was there. Her sponsor was there I thought Bill Wilson was probably looking down going, that is a really good match there. The marriage lasted eight months. Eight months. And I'm 10 years sober and it goes down in flames in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I am embarrassed and I am crushed and I wonder what is so broken in me? What is so wrong with me? The good news is she's a good AA and we have made amends to each other and everything is as it should be in our program. But at that time, it was so hurtful and devastating for all of us. But also, it turned out to be such a huge turning point in my life because I had to start asking myself, Tim, what is it in you that's causing these problems? What is it that's pushing people away? And I started to really break that 10th step down every day. And I really started to embrace the 11th step and tried to ask God to come into my life and direct me because obviously I'm off base here. and a strange thing happened on my way to long-term celibacy and alcoholics noms all right i was back with my dad again living with my dad when i lost that marriage in 10 years sober and my ex-wife you remember my most frequent wife the mother of my children she was down south carolina she called me and she said i heard what happened uh you want to come down spend some time with the grandkids i said yeah i'd love to do that now here you go guys here are two people have known each other since we were 17 years old. We've been married and divorced three times and now we're 50. And there was no way we could ever get over the wall for some reason. And I went down there that weekend. And for some region, there was a more ease and comfort in our conversation. For some reason, you know, we agreed to be friends and we agreed to be co-parents and co-grandparents and really start to work on that. Never did that. We never worked on a friendship, ever, in all that time. You know, we just got married a lot. And I came back to Louisville and I started to date her. And I took her out like every Friday night. And we dated for about six months. And I turned around one day and said, what do you think? So we surely, with our two little twin granddaughters as the Flyer girls, we got married for the fourth time. And that was 2002. and for the next 20 years we had just a beautiful miraculous relationship we became best friends i can't even explain it to you whatever the problems were in the past i couldn't even remember what they were something had happened and we spent the next20 years and what i know has happened when i talked to my sponsor about that i said don is this crazy us getting back together and he said well timmy yeah probably but but but maybe not so you know why jim because you know if our program is about anything it's about transformation you don't think about transformation we don't know when it's going to happen we don'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE INVOLVED AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW WHY IT'S HAPPENED YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE WE DONT TRANSFORM RIGHT GOD DOES MY FRIEND BOB UP IN MINNEAPOLIS TALKS ABOUT WE PLANT THE SEED WE WATER IT WE KEEP THE WEEDS way from it but we don't grow it he grows when God wants it to grow right and somehow that happened to you all and for the next 20 years we had just a beautiful ride October 2022 I lost her she had a cancer that just overtook her so quickly she lasted 57 days right but I will share with you I'll be forever grateful because of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous because of the fact that, you know, I think our program is based on love and it's based on transformation. That two people that went through that type of story ended up having the last 20 years of her life, for example, as being so special. And I'll be forever grateful for that. Let me finish up with this story because it's also important in my story. I told you I had three beautiful kids. We okay? Yep. Had three beautifulkids, right? And I had two sons, my christmas baby and then my middle son and then i had my little baby girl right and my little baby girl was her daddy's daughter from the get-go you know as a toddler her first little phrase was i'll do it myself her second little phrase is you're not the boss to me you know and i remember thinking even when she's a toddler oh boy here we go and sure enough by the time she was 12 years old i'm finding half pints in her backpack i'm getting six packs out of her closet i'm getting her out of the jail from shoplifting i'm chasing her all over the city of louisville and the crazy part about this is my daughter but by far my most talented child you know tall blonde blue-eyed gifted athlete gifted volleyball player gifted tennis player gifted artist and she ends up getting a scholarship to the chicago art institute for her art you know but she loved to drink and she loved the party and i knew she was really starting to get into it heavy down there and once in a while we would talk to her and she she left the art institute and got into the second city the performing arts with john volusci and chevy chase and those guys if you remember that well she was after them but it was the same thing they came through and then she went on a geographical to la to los angeles to be in the second City out there and we hadn't heard from her but i knew it was getting bad right i knew her drinking was getting bed and the last I had found out about her in Los Angeles she was living in her car with her dog on a liquid diet only because in addition to her alcoholism she had an eating disorder and that's an awful awful combination you all it's a deadly combination and she came home I guess it's been about 21 years ago now hadn't seen her in two years and I like to I couldn't already stand it a beautiful girl her eyes were all caved in her cheeks were caved in her teeth were falling out she was so thin you could count her ribs through a t-shirt i mean i'm not kidding and i remember looking at her at the end i said honey is there anything we can do to help you and i member her snapping around at me like with those alcoholic eyes and saying dad if i need help i'll let you know she left there and she went back to la and i thought man it's only a matter of time right she can't keep this up and sure enough about five weeks later i got a phone call the good news it was her the bad news is she was so weak by this time, she was whispering. Now, keep in mind, I'm 12 years sober. I help lots of guys, all right? I've never had a problem in all my time when somebody asked me for help with what to do. I want to tell you what, but your daughter, she's 3,000 miles away. She says, Daddy, what should I do? All of a sudden, I was thinking, all Right, big shot. What do you think about the A&A now? What do You think about that God of Your understanding now? Is it good enough for her? And I have to tell You, Daddy. I was Thinking, No, I want To get on an airplane. I'm going out there and get my kid. But for some reason, I said, honey, here's the man's phone number in Alcoholics Anonymous in Los Angeles. I pray and I hope you will call him. And I hung that phone up, you guys, and I cried and bawled for two hours because I thought, what did I do? Did I just kill my child? And I sat there and I tried and I finally started hitting me, Tim. They told you when you came in that anytime, anywhere somebody reaches out and they didn't say that except for your daughter when somebody reaches out you extend the hand of aa and when i gave her that phone number that's what i did whether or not she was going to make the call or not i had done what you asked me to do because now it's going to be between her and her god and i prayed and hoped that she would make the calling and i need to share very very happily with you she did make that call and last july you know we went out there to help her celebrate her you know 22nd you know year of sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous you know and I'll be ever for grateful to the guy that she called now just mention him real quick because I'll be forever grateful to Scott Redmond Scott was a Jewish man from New York living in Los Angeles and I love this because what a beautiful story and he's going to be the guy God's going to use to help this little Catholic girl from Kentucky right Scott was 26 years sober to be ever grateful when she called him that night he didn't say honey i'm sorry i'm busy i'll have some woman call you tomorrow he said where are you where can i get to you because i really believe you all if he didn'T do that i have a whole different story to tell she was that sick she was dying scott's died scott died about seven eight years ago with pancreatic cancer but i'll finish up by saying that's all right that's what we're asked to do for this beautiful gift. Anytime, anywhere somebody's reaching out. Because what's going to happen is it's going be somebody else's grandkid, somebody else's kid and you're going to get the call. Now I don't care how many years sober I have to remember he went. He went and he went right away you know and that's what you know this whole program is based on. That's what it was born on and hopefully that's the thing that will keep it going for my kids and my grandkids ahead. Thank you all for having me down here tonight. Thank goodness. Thank you.