He Told the Member He Was an Alcoholic for the Past Two Weeks – Sandy B.

And I'm glad to be here this afternoon. I was glad to be here yesterday afternoon up to a point. I went to the ball. Oh, yes. Look at this. See this chair? That's a fine-looking chair. I don't tell you a story about that chair. My wife was up here on stage thanking the speaker this morning or something, and And your exalted leader here, Scott, saw her over here and they saw this chair being brought up here. And Scott's remark was, I don't think that chair is big enough for you, is it, Benoît? It's okay, Scott. She forgot to burn you. I don't know why, but she usually would have, I assure you. Anyway, that just shows you the kind of sense of humor we've got around here. I am really glad to be here. I'm always glad to быть hier. I went to the ballgame yesterday. You got to know that I'm from Norman, Oklahoma. And I was having a lot of fun for about three minutes. But I'll tell you one thing. You guys really put on a presentation when you send that team out on the field there. You really do that. Too bad your offense didn't make but about 13 points. Defense had to do the rest of it for you. Oh, both tell my story. I keep getting all mixed up. I want to thank the committee for asking me to come here and be part of this thing. And it is really always a pleasure to be part of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't get here by accident. I'm a real alcoholic. You're not going to get along drunk-a-log, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to take my word for it that I'm a drunk, and I'm of the type the book talks about, you know. And I drank too much booze too long, and it made me humiliate and embarrass myself and family and wives and children and a lot of people around me. So I'm a classic case of, you know, the book type alcoholic. I wound up in a place in Los Angeles. I wound up on the corner of 7th and Broadway in downtown Los Angeles after having gotten out of the Peter J. Pitches Hotel. Now, Peter J。Pitches is a county sheriff, and he runs the jail down there. And I was in his hotel. I had been put there because I was a thief, and I had stolen some money that wasn't mind. I was in a position of trust, and I set up two sets of books, one for them and one for me, and you know how that goes. They frowned on it, and they put me in jail. And I'd never been in jail for that kind of thing. I'd been overnight drunk a couple of times and all that, but, you know, that wasn't a big deal. But I sure hadn't been in there for a grand theft felony. And I was there, andI wondered, How did you get there? What the hell happened? How did you wind up in this mess? And I had been told about my drinking by a lot of people. And that never entered my mind, that that was what was wrong. And so for the next 46 days, I was sober. That's the first day I'd been sober in 20 years at least for that length of time. But I was over for 46 days. The disease was continuing, but But I was still sober. So whenever I hear anybody talk about, well, abstinence is the answer to alcoholism, forget it. My disease continued. And I got out of jail and I borrowed $50 from a guy and I wound up in this really fancy hotel down at the corner of 7th and Broadway in downtown Los Angeles. It had been fancy at one time, maybe 70 years before. But it was a flop house. And I was there, and I said, there again. I wondered, how did I get there? I got out of this jail because the public defender attorney concocted a story of some kind and got me out on bail. And he had told me that, you know, I think that guys like you have a problem with alcohol, and I think you ought to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, all he did was to get me very righteously indignant because how dare him call me and tell me that I have a problem with alcohol and that I should go to Alcoholics Anonymous of all things. And I said, I don't legally have to do that, do I? And he says, no, but I strongly suggest it. And I say, well, I think I'll pass, thank you. And he just shook his head and I got out of jail and walked on. And I walked on down the street. I had a suit and tie left, and I had read in the paper there in the water ad section that they needed a credit manager at this jewelry store. And so I had owned a jewelry store about six doors down from that guy at one time, and I knew him well. And he knew that I was no longer in business, and so I just walked in there and said, Hey, Larry, how you doing? Oh, by the way, I see you need a credit manger. He says, yeah, you want the job? I said, sure do. And so 30 minutes after I got out of the county jail, I was credit manager in a jewelry store on Broadway in downtown Los Angeles. And Alford wondered, well, of course the guy was a lush, you know, so I could have probably told him where I'd been and he wouldn't have cared. But nevertheless, I went to work for this guy and that's why I was staying at that hotel down there. And I used to get up or go to work from there. And after about a week of this, I thought, well, while I was out, I mean, while I was in jail, I said, you know, if you're out, you better try to cool it for a while with the booze. So for about a weak I did and of course I hadn't gotten paid either and I didn't have any money but that might have had something to do with it. But nevertheless, I cooled it for a while and then came payday. And I'd been over there at this same old place that I'd gone, duties, I loved duties, oh, the atmosphere was wonderful. It was really smoky in there, and it was just—God, I loved it. And I would go to duties every chance I got. So I'd go around the corner to duties, and I'd drink these cokes. And I had about three of those, and then I said, oh, to hell with this. Give me a double shot and a beer back. And I started some of the most insane drinking that I've ever done in my life. And that lasted—it just kept on going, you know. And finally I was getting to where I had to drink all the time. It wasn't a question of wanting to drink. it was having to drink and the one thing that was with me at that time is that had been for a long time and that was guilt guilt guilt guilty guilt guilt about everything guilt about those two kids i'd left back in oklahoma guilt about all the wives that i cheated on gifts about this guilt about that by the way i have another disease that goes along with my alcoholism as uh it's called uh marriage itis i used to get i used to get married a lot i used to get divorced a lot and lots of mother-in-law trouble lots of money a lot of trouble no none of you guys ever had that but i did and i uh so i i just kept going but i was there and i didn't know it got into a cycle that i knew wasn't going to quit it was just like it was like uh you know get off work and drink all day even the guy told me i I could drink on the job as long as I could do my job. He didn't care if I drank. That's heaven for an alcoholic, you know. So nevertheless, I kept on drinking and it got to the point where I just couldn't do anything but drink. And I kept working because I had to work. But at nights it got bad. That's when I would really get serious with drinking. It was maintenance in the daytime and at night it was getting serious, you Know. And I had suicided also, began to look pretty good about that time. So I kept thinking about getting to kill myself because I knew there was no end to this thing. There just was not an end to it. It wasn't because I wanted to do the things I was doing. It wasnít because I didnít want to drink the way I was drinking. There was no other answer. And finally this one night I came in and I got out on the ledge and there I was. And I was on the seventh floor of this hotel. And I said, ìYeah, thatís big. Thatís high enough. Thatíll do it.î And I got out there and had to work 30 minutes to get the window open so I could get out there. And I got out on the ledge, and I thought to myself, you know, this is going to be it. What are your last thoughts going to being? You know how we are when we get to thinking. So I thought about that. This is going to be it, and what are you going to think about? And I got to thinking, and first thing I thought about, wonder what's going to happen to that suit. I got down the cleaners down there. And, you know, a bunch of nonsensical stuff came to my head, you know. I wonder what they'll react to it. There's friends of mine who knew me pretty good that were the last friends I had. I wondered how they're going to react to this. And I didn't think about those kids, family, or anything, you know, mother, father, none of that. That did not concern me. It was those people that, you known, just upon nonsensible stuff. But then what happened was, the thought came to me very strongly that, uh, you you know what, you have never been a father to those kids that you abandoned back in Oklahoma. Just what in the world are you going to do now? You're going to leave them a suicidal father? And that did it. I just could not make the move. It was very intense, and I know that my higher power was working there. I have no doubt about that at all because I didn't have any fear at all of dying. God, it was relief that I was looking for. and yet when that came about about those kids i just could not do it there was just no way and so i came back in out of the window and i got uh one of the the only amenities that i had in that room was i had a telephone and now this i gotta tell you this was after i'd been out all day drinking and it's about 2 30 in the morning and uh one OF the things i did when i came back in, I said, you know, that guy, that prosecutor, I mean, that defender, that public defender that told you what to do, he said to call Alcoholics Anonymous. Why don't you do that? Now, that was a lousy idea when he told it to me. It was still a lousey idea, but there weren't a hell of a lot of choices there. And so I thought, well, maybe I ought to do that. So I tried to call alcoholics anonymous at 2.30 in the morning. Now, there was no answer, of course. At that time they had nothing but an answering machine on there and I just hung up on it. Now I'm one of these kind of guys that my brilliant thinking when I'm in my cup comes about 2.30 or 3 o'clock in the morning always. Oh yes, a few of you have done that, I can tell. And I have a very pressing need to share that with people at that time of the morning. And I like to call long distance to make the share, you know. I do that well. And so I—and I like to call very important people. The governor of California has had a call from me at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning many times. Supreme Court justices, they've had calls from me. President of the United States has had calls from me at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. And the next morning, always I would think, and I still remember what I'd done. I said, geez, that was stupid. Why would you do that? That's at two or three in the morning, you're trying to call these people. That was dumb. Why did you do it? And the only response was, oh, well, I won't do it next time. You know, well, they did over and over again. So the same thing happened when I thought about trying to Call Alcoholics Anonymous the next day. I thought, oh my God, next morning. I thought about that. And you know what? The next morning it was still a good idea, contrary to what those other ideas had been before. And so I called Alcoholics Anonymous. And I, well, I didn't do it all that, just like that. I mean, you know, I called, my name is Jim Shaw and I'd like to get some information about your program for friend of mine and the lady who who answered the call knew who the friend was and so she responded by telling me a bunch of her story you know she started in tell me about her story about how many years she drank and she lost two kids because of that oh my god you know and I got those two immediately my two kids back in Oklahoma came of mine I'm going what the hell is this woman woman talking about she looking you know I didn't know what was going on and she just kept on talking and finally she kind of got me into the conversation and she says I don't remember this day I don' t remember exactly how it came about but I was telling her something about how I felt about this and she says oh yes I understand I'm an alcoholic too and now there had been for the past two three minutes when I was talking to her, there was a big lump came into my throat, you know. And I don't know why. It was just there. I didn't cry ever. But I did this time. The lump was there and I was worried about it. And when she said, oh yes, I understand. I'm an alcoholic too. What was that? I just went... And I mean, I just bawled and bawled and balls and balls. And I just turned loose. Now, I want to tell you that this woman knew, of course she knew who she was talking to. And she just let me cry. And then she let me cry and then after a while she says, could I ask you a personal question? Could it possibly be that this person that you wanted to get the information for, could that possibly have been you. And I just went on and on for about another three or four minutes, you know, could not stop sobbing. And she just let me go. And finally, when I calmed down a little bit, she says, oh, thank God. Thank God. Because if you're an alcoholic like I am an alcoholic, We have the answers for you here on Alcoholics Anonymous. Won't you let me send someone out to talk to you? Now, this lady had looked inside me where nobody had been in a long time, and it was time to back off. No, I couldn't possibly do that. You see, I'm at work, and I couldn' t let that happen here. Well, you know, it just went on and on and On about the story of why I couldn''t. She just kept me right on the phone, and she says, Well, could I have a male member of AlcoholicsAnonymous call you? that's the way we do it here. She was afraid I was slipping away, you know. And she said, That's the Way We Do It Here, and can I do that? And I says, Well, no. Well, maybe yes. Here's my unlisted phone. He can call me here. So I thanked her profusely for all of her information and all this and thought, Wonderful, and thank you very much. And I hung up. Well, about an hour, I got a call from Tom. And Tom says, My name is Tom. I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Does anyone there have a problem with alcohol? Now this guy's voice was well enunciated. He sounded like a TV announcer or something like that. And I thought I'd better answer him in kind. So I said, Yes, I think I may have been an alcoholic for about the past two weeks. and uh he he later says uh jim i damn near busted out laughing with that anyway uh uh he he kept got me in conversation and he says uh well how do you drink what i drink all the time what do you mean all the Time I said all the Times in the daytime I drink just to maintain you know because otherwise i have to drink mister you don't understand i have to drink well i understand but uh i said yeah i drink all the time in the daytime i drink maintenance type drinking and at night i really get with it he says oh i understand okay he says uh then we got on the conversation some more about some different things and i forget what all it was but then he says do you think you could not rest not drink for the rest of the day now this is 9 30 in the morning or thereabouts. I said, No, I really don't. Hell no, I could not drink for the rest of the day. You've got to be kidding me. He said, But we don't drink in Alcoholics Anonymous. I said I'm in the wrong place already. You got to be kidding. I get to drink all the time, mister. And I said I have to drink. You don't understand. I come apart if I don't drink. And he says, Yes, I understand. And I said how do you understand? He says, Well, I'm an alcoholic. I say well alright then you understand what I'm talking about. He said, well, do you think you could try not to drink for the rest of the day? I said, I can try, but I don't guarantee you nothing. And he said, well, why don't you try not to drink for the rest of the day and I'll meet you tonight in front of your hotel. And I said, what do you mean? Well, we'll go to a meeting. I told him where I'd live and I said, well, what does that mean? Well, I mean, that's what we do an alcoholic son. It was part of what we do, and so I, you know, I said, well, finally I agreed to it, so he said, Well, I'll see you tonight, and I'll meet you in front of your hotel about a quarter to six. He said, By the way, would you try not to drink for the rest of the day? Immediately when that phone call was over, first thing I did was go in the refrigerator, get me a can of beer, and get me shot to hit that down with because I had already made a big mistake, and I knew it. So about 2 o'clock that day, though, I thought, you know, if you're going to go with that guy tonight, you might ought to try not to drink for the rest of the day. So I thought about it, and said, yeah, you're probably right. So I said, I won't have any more for the resto of the da. Now this is about 2o'clock. As I told you, I drank all the time, and by 4o' clock, I knew that was a mistake because I was beginning to perspire rather profusely, and it was coming off in buckets full, and I could just shake it off my hands. And by 5 o'clock, it got a little worse, a whole bunch worse, and it Was time for me to leave out of there by 5.30, and by 530, time came around. This was a bad idea. And I got over there, and I only lived three blocks from the hotel. I mean, I worked only three blocks from a hotel And this hotel was right on the corner of Broadway and 7th Street And there were a whole lot of people out there standing in front of the hotel Now they were out there to catch buses And get rides and all this sort of stuff There must have been 15, 20, maybe 25 of them All standing around there I'm up there about quarter to six now But this time I've already begun to perspire through my suit and I am beginning to get just a little bit quick. I mean, you know, it was just wasn't too much fun about that time. So I looked at the, I kept looking around and I'm kind of plotsing out there in front of this place wondering who's this, what's going to go on and all this sort of stuff. And all of a sudden this car comes out around off of Broadway and stops right in frontof the hotel and this guy gets out. And he kept on getting out, and I looked at him, and I didn't pay him a lot of attention. And then he began to look at the crowd there. There was, as I said, 20, 25 people. He kind of panned, and he stuck his finger up like this, and he starts going like this. And all of a sudden, he came back, and he started walking toward me. And he walks over to me and sticks his finger right in my face. He says, Are you Jim? I got my first resentment in Alcoholics Anonymous right there Yeah, I did I said, I knew darn well I didn't look like an alcoholic And finally I said Well, yes, I am He says, good, my name is Tom and I'm a member of AlcoholicsAnonymous and I want you to know that no matter how big your list of problems was today it's just half that size right now And I thought, what the hell is he talking about? And so he explained that a little further. He says, you probably had a great big list. And he says it's very important, I'm sure, because there are a lot of problems in your life and all that. But he says the first thing has to be that you have a desire not to drink. And he said, I guess you had that or you wouldn't be standing here. So that makes your problem just half the size they were this morning. And I said, well, whoopee. You know, it was just one of those deals that I didn't know what the heck he was talking about. He knew what I did. But anyway, he says, come on, let's go have something to eat. And he's just grinning and I'm sitting there, oh, God. I hadn't been doing a lot of eating in the last few weeks, I guarantee you. The only thing, we had some of that today at noon. I used to eat a lotof chili. That's all I ate was chili because that's allI could hold down and it was all I wanted. You know,, I just wanted enough so I could go ahead and drink some more. Anyway, we insisted and we went to this place over there and I had a bowl of soup. Now, I'm just working on this soup slow. I mean, they're already through and I'm still working on their soup and we're talking all the time and they're talking about their alcoholism. I'm talking about nothing in general, just listening a lot and I've been doing it for a long time and I think I'm getting a little bit quicker. I'm really getting a Little Bit Quicker and I keep telling them I need a drink. If I don't get a drink pretty soon, I'm going to come apart. Now you guys need to help me. I need a drink. Yeah, we'll get you one. If you'll just wait about 20 or 30 minutes, we will get you one. If you really have to have it, we can get you on and let's go eat and let us come on and do the eating. Well, I finished up just about all I was going to eat there anyway and I got this last spoonful in my mouth and barely got my spoon down. Tom is sitting over here and Ed is over here. And all of a sudden I am starting to say something to tom and i go right over in his lap i mean all that soup went right in his lap and uh i looked at him i thought he probably just killed me you know he just started laughing he said well hell i insisted you have something to eat waitress bring me a towel he started wiping himself off you know and so anyway we went to this meeting now by this time on the way over there i'm really quick i mean i'm just jumping around there and it's going i'm not in good shape at all and i just hey man we got to stop i got to have a drink i really gotta have a dream and he says hang on jim hang on so we got over there into this meeting and the place was in the basement of a church over and over in hollywood the smoke was boiling out there i mean it was just boiling out of there And I said, what the heck kind of place is this? Is this a religious thing? I really had no idea what AA was. And he said, oh, no, it's not. We're spiritual, but we're not religious. You know, I said. Oh, one of those things. I don't know. What you got to understand is three brothers. Two of them are preachers. The other one's a deacon in his church. My sister was a member of the WCTU. And then there was me. You know, so I knew what all this business was about, you know. And anyway, we got in this church and God, it was loud in there. Oh, it Was Loud In There. I just, oh, I wanted to cover my ears because every time he had introduced me to somebody, you know, they'd show me a bunch of pearly stuff here and hi, I'm good, you know, and I didn't really want, I just was tired already. So they, we get in there and it was just horrible. And I'm, hi, meet Jim. He's new. Hi! You know, and I'm jumping, and it's, and, and I'm just, by this time, I'm a nervous, total nervous wreck. And we sat down over there and it just started the meeting, and somewhere my, my head, any brains that I had in my head at all kind of set itself over here with this other guy, and then I'm still sitting there. You know? And it just, it really was, I think may have been going very close to DTs. And And the things were making no sense. And the meeting started. And it was one of these participation first, and then it was speaker. Well, a meeting started, and this gal, she trots up to the microphone. My name is Sue, and I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I think it's the most wonderful thing in the world, and I am just so happy to be an alcoholic, And I'm so glad I couldn't stand it. This guy here that was sitting still over here, he had to respond to that. So I get up and I stuck my finger at her and I said, yeah, BS, lady, BS. Tom grabs me and says, what the hell is wrong with you? I said I need a drink. That's what's wrong with me. That's all I can say is I need to drink. He said, well, shut up and sit down. So I sat down, and the thing was I was ashamed, and I didn't know what I'd done and why I'd done it because I wouldn't have even done that drunk for crying out loud. You know, maybe. But in a minute, this guy, she sits down, and after she'd shared, and this guy comes moping up to the mic. My name is Sam. I've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for four months and I want you to know it's rough out there it's really rough out here one more time this brain went to work and this old guy over here moved out so this guy had to get up and respond and I stood up one more time you're right Sam it sure as hell is rough out there we got to do something about that Sam and I'm just going on and on and on Tom pulled me back down he said Jim If you don't shut up, we're going to have to send you out of here. Now, what's wrong with you? I need a drink! That's what's going on. What's wrong? What's going wrong with me? Don't you understand? And he didn't understand. He says, I want you to shut up and listen. Well, they had a little break, and then we came back, and the meeting kept on going. About a year and a half later, it was over. And it sure seemed like a year and a halve, I guarantee you. And so I said, come on, we're going to go get you that drink. And I said thank God. And so a whole bunch of them got in the cars and they all headed for this same place. And I looked at the place when we got there. I didn't see no cocktail sign or neon lights or anything like that. But I did see a beer sign in there. I said well hell, that'll do in a pinch, you know. So we get in there and Tom looks at all of the people in there and they've all assembled. He said we want that booth right over there please. It was the only one in the house where they could seat six people. They took me, and they put me on the inside and put a fullback next to me so I shouldn't get away. You hear that, Skip? Skip knows who he is. Anyway, they kept me on inside there, and they started talking to me. There were six of them in there, and Tom was sitting down at the end, and they starting talking to be. Jim, you're going to love Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the most wonderful deal I've ever had. And without missing a beat, the next one said, Jim, AlcoholicsAnonymous is the best deal I ever had, the next one. Jim, alcoholics anonymous is the greatest deal there is going. And right on down the line they went and I said, holy mackerel. And so I had to rest a little bit. I laid my head down on the table like this because they had already warned me out about how wonderful Alcoholics Annonymous was. and while I had my head laid down I heard some rustling going on some movement of some kind and I didn't know what was going on and didn't care and so when I took my head up they had run in a whole new crew and they began to tell me how wonderful Alcoholics Anonymous was so before the whole day was over with trust me, I knew you were a bunch of wonderful folks and I thought, oh God you know anyway I says to Tom where's my drink you know and he got serious with me and he says Jim let me ask you something see all these people here at one time or another they had to have a certain time of the day that they took their last drink now you told me that you had your last one around 2 o'clock is that right yes well why don't we let two o' clock be the time that you your last drink and I knew he was serious. And I said, man, you don't seem to understand. I can't do it. I cannot not drink. I don't know how you guys do it, but I canít do that. I just canít not drink, I have to drink. He says, I understand, we all had to do the same thing. And he says, wonít you at least try? I thought, well, you know what, heís not going to let up, so I might as well say yes, Iíll try. Aye, okay, I'll try. Well, thatís when they started telling me how wonderful it was and all that sort of stuff, and it went on and on and finally I thought in my mind, you know, I'm looking at that clock over there and I said, you know what? I've got to get out of here before 2 o'clock because the liquor store is closed at 2 and I've Got to have me a supply before the night's over. And all of a sudden they got me back in conversation again and I look up and it's 10 after 2 and they'd all been watching me watch the clock and I'm looking up and I look at Tom and he's just grinning I said you guys tricked me he said yeah we did didn't you funny as heck so anyway I said well I still always had a reserve I mean I always had some kind of reserve I had a half pint and so I get back to the I already thought about it I was going to get back and get upstairs and get me a shot real quick after I get out of this car, you know. And when I got out of the car, I was going to jump out and go, thank him and go. And what I did was I jumped out, and here's this guy already standing up there looking at me. He'd already gotten out ofthe car, and he's looking down at me, and he looked, andhe kind of looking atme funny, and he says, Jim, are you going to pour it out or am I? I said, What are you talking about? He said, I'm talking about that bottle that you have up in your room. And I started to protest real loud, but this, I knew this guy had me. I mean, I just knew he had me and I just shook my head and I said, man, if it gets poured out, you're going to have to do it because there's no way I can. So he, um, he says, come on, let's go get the job done. So we went up there onto the seventh floor and he says what happened to your window over there? I said well, I had a little problem getting it open. that's the one I tried to jump out of so anyway I got up there and he says you know what Jim one of us will stay with you tonight because it's going to get worse I said man how can it get any worse than it is I've been through this crap before I know it's gonna be rough for the next 24 hours he says yeah it really is and he said why don't you let one of them stay I said no I'll do it and I don't recommend that by the way to anybody out there new or who's brand new. I really don't. So anyway, he left and I didn't sleep at all. I didn' t sleep at al l. I got up the next morning. I got u p. I'd just been laying in bed and the phone rang and it was Tom. Hi, Jim. Did you have to drink last night? No, I didn''t have to drink last nigh but by God, I wish the hell I had and I feel crazy as hell and I feeI like I'm going to go blow my top right now and I don't know what's going wrong with you Why did I ever listen to you? And he just let me go, and he says, I tell you what. I would really have been disappointed if you felt any other way, Jim. But he says hang in there, and we'll go to another meeting tonight. Ah, whoopee! We'll go on another meeting today. And so he thought it was funny. I was serious as hell. He wasn't. Anyway, about an hour, I got another call from this guy, Ed, that was with me. and he says, Jim, I hope you didn't have to drink last night. He says, but try your best not to today. I said, I didn't last night, and I'm going to try today. Thank you very much, Ed. And so on the hour, I got to work, and on the hours, I was in the kitchen, and on that unlisted phone that I had given, the number that I have given to him, I got a call from those people that were there that night before down at that restaurant. Did you have to drank last night Jim? No, I did not have to drunk. thank you very much for calling Jesus not another one anyway we'll go to another meeting tonight just all that sort of stuff so I always they kept on and they did exactly what they said they'd do, they picked me up we went to another meeting and little by little it began to get not okay but a little better and you know about the fifth or sixth day i think i had just a little bit of one of the most basic ingredients that we must find if we come to alcoholics anonymous and artists day i think i found just that much of an ingredient called hope i think somehow or another i said oh god do you really suppose that i could do what they're doing do you really think it's possible? And I don't know if I got an answer or whatever, if my mind was going crazy or what it was. But I thought, let me try just for a little while. And so I started going to those meetings. And soon thereafter, he says, I got a place that I just came out of four months ago for you to go to. And Jim, you've got to get out of this hotel. You'll get drunk up here. It's a place where a bunch of alcoholics are. It's called a 12-step house. And you need to be there. And I was listening to what he had to say. So I went in and moved into this 12-step house. Now, I took all my luggage in there, my expensive luggage. I thought I fancied myself a high roller. And I looked in there and I had all this stuff in there and I looked at this old house that he was going to have me stay in. It was a big three-story clapboard house. It hadn't been painted in probably 25 years. The front step was broken down on one side. And I looked at that and I said, you really did it this time, didn't you, big shot? You really did. And I walked into this place and he took me in there. And he says, Lee, to the manager of the place, he said, Lee this is the guy I've been telling you about. His name is Jim. And he's a real alcoholic. And he needs a place to stay and be with alcoholics so he can be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. us. And he says, are you an alcoholic, Jim? And I said, well, I guess I must be. Every time I'm in trouble of any kind, it seems like I'm drinking or drunk. He says, well you probably are and we've got a place for you. So I went in there and I started going and every night Tom would come pick me up, take me to some meetings and all that sort of stuff. We had meetings there in the house. Bill Wilson had been there and given his blessing to the place before. And this was a long time ago. It was like 29 years ago that that took place. And someone said before me today that you don't have to drink, you don' t have to have another drink after you come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to reiterate that you don't' have to have anther drink because since that time, I have not had anything. the neck up no alcohol no pills no nothing and it's because of Alcoholics Anonymous and the message that was carried to me and with that message that Was carried to me I really feel that there is an obligation on my part that I have to do the same thing it is absolutely incumbent upon me to see to it that whenever anybody anywhere reaches out for help that I am responsible and that I am there not him or her or the other guy me I am responsible I don't ever ever ever in my life want to forget that because that's what the Alcoholics Anonymous is based on and we have been given as far as I'm concerned the most special gift that there is in this world we have been given the ability to help where no one else has seemed to be able to psychiatry medicine whatever it is religion they can't seem to do the job that we do at all not in any even a minute fashion do they do it well and we've been given that special ability to talk to one alcoholic one-on-one and carry the message of recovery the same way those people did that night with me and I didn't even know I was receiving the message but I was so I don't ever want to forget that I kept going to these meetings and all this sort of thing and they they came up with the idea that I should get a sponsor they came up not me I knew that any time that was mentioned I just turned that off to the side and I said well I'll do that when I think I need one I know that some of you may have only done it when you needed one but they kept on and uh i was in this place one night and and uh I'd been running around with a bunch of these guys and Byron was talking to me and he says by a gym he says you know what a guy with the hostility the arrogance and the ego that you have and you're just full full of resentment as anybody i ever saw and you need us you need a sponsor yeah yeah i'm to get one i'm going to get fun yeah you know and uh he says but when jim you're going to get drunk if you don't now i heard what he said i'm gonna get drunk if i don't get a sponsor i didn't know what you people had i really didn't even by this time i didn t know what you had but i knew what i'd had out there and i didn t want any more of that you know what a resentment is by the way don't you uh resentment it's It's like when you wet your pants. You know, everybody else can see it, but you're the one that feels it. I heard that somewhere today. I thought that was really funny. It's very true, too. I've also heard it described as the fuel that drives most active alcoholics. And I thought, yeah, that's probably true. Anyway, so I thought about that and I said, well, okay, okay. i'll get one they'll finally you know finally just insisted and i said okay i'll get one about that time so help me at the back of the room when i'm up in the front of the room the door opened and this guy walks in he's kind of got a balding head with glasses he looked somewhat like mr peepers on television and uh he byron hits me inside and he says jim that's the guy you need for a sponsor now i'd seen this guy before around and I'd heard him lashing out at some of his sponsorees and all this sort of stuff, and I said, you've got to be kidding. I can't stand that, much less ask him to be my sponsor. And he says, but Jim, a guy as arrogant and as hostile and with the ego that you've Got needs him. Now go ask him for a favor. Go ask him if he wants to be your sponsor, and he would not quit. So finally I said okay, okay. I'll go ask him to be my sponsor at the coffee break and so what he's at the coffee break he says go ask you well I went over to the table where he was sitting something like this you know and I I stuck my finger right in his face I said no no wait I didn't really walk over there I kind of swaggered over there and I stuck finger right into his face I said listen Clancy you're gonna be my sponsored he looked up at me and he says, I'm what? You're going to be my sponsor. Turned his head back down. Then he came back up and said, listen, puke. People don't tell me I'm going to be their sponsor. They ask me, now you get the hell out of here and come back later and maybe I will and maybe I won't. Oh. I turned around and I went back over to Byron and I I said, you see there, Byron, I humbled myself. He said, yeah, I saw exactly how you humbled yourself. He says, now go over there and ask him to ride after this thing's over with. So I said okay. So I went over there, and I went on to him, and I did not stick my finger in his face. I said Clancy, I really would appreciate it if you would be my sponsor. I guess I need one pretty bad. He says, you're right. And he says, I like that change of attitude. He says I've been watching you. One thing I can say about you, you come to a lot of meetings and I'm glad to see that. And he said, however, I will give you the meetings that I want you to attend. I will put them on the list and I will expect you to be there every single day at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'll tell you when to quit going to a meeting a day. and he says by the way before I consent to the idea of being your sponsor you need to understand something. I have a little list of rules that I have these are not for debate these are the rules that i expect you to follow and let me tell you what some of them are and he said you will be at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day you will b there at least an hour before the meeting begins and you will help to set it up. You will go see the secretary and get yourself a commitment do you know what a commitment is and he just talked to me like i was some two-year-old kid and he went on and a half hour later the list was just ended of the rules you know and i heard the strangest noise coming out of my mouth i said okay i will you know and there i was and so i started uh started going to meetings of alcoholics anonymous in the manner that my uh sponsor had suggested in fact he told me he says you know we don't have much time to talk here but he says i want you to come down to my office tomorrow and you and i'll discuss a little further what your future will hold now that sounded ominous to me but i said okay i'll be there and i went down to his office and when i got into his office he closed the door he said i don't want any calls right now thank you and he started telling me uh it was a different clancy sitting there. It wasn't this arrogant, smart ass, what kind of guy that I'd seen before. There was a guy who knew exactly what he was talking about and he said to me, he says, Jim I want you to know something. I know you better than you will ever dream that I know you. I know what's going on inside you. I know it's going to happen to you. I know how you feel. I know what motivates you. I know what keeps you surviving and he says and I know the biggest item that you have going on in your life today is fear. that's what makes you hostile that's where it is he says it's all fear and I wondered how in the hell he knew that because I hadn't told that to anybody and he says let me say something else to you if you will do what I ask you to do I promise you and he said let me say that one more time I promise you that your life will change to the better and you will never know just how much it can change until you start trying to do what I'm going to suggest for you. Will you do that? And I started crying again. And he says, and don't be afraid of crying. He says, we have all done it, many of us in the dark of night, but many of Us after we came to Alcoholics Anonymous and saw what we really were and started to try to get better. And so I said, yes, I'll try. And so he made, you know, we started going through this text. And he says, I want you to take the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want your name on it. I want for you to read it thoroughly. I want to know what's in that book because that's our recovery program. And he said, I wanted you to know what it is and you must help me by doing that. And so, I got the book out and started talking. And I mean, he started going though it and started reading it did all these things and then we started doing the steps and this man when when we got to i said well i think i'm through with the first and first and second he says okay for now he says we'll do the third together i said what the hell is he talking about that's a very simple short thing you know and he says and he said come on in here and we were we went into his den over on Lake Street and he says he shut the door and he said get down here on your knees and I said and then he says we're going to take the third step together oh my god I hadn't been on my knees in so damn long I wouldn't even know what that position was except to puke you know and so I we did that And then I felt a combination of really, I was totally uncomfortable with the idea. But I also felt that, my God, you're doing what this book calls for. I don't know what the results are going to be, but you're dealing with the book called for. And then he started, then he said, well, you can lay off for a little while now and we'll absorb what's going on so far and just go to meetings. And so I went to meetings and we kept going to meetings anyway. it wound up that uh 10 months later he had to call me and tell me that uh get your i've been putting off the fourth step for i don't know how long and he said get your four-step ready by within two weeks or get a new sponsor and he didn't mince words he just he wasn't mad or anything else you just get a news sponsor so uh by the way i happen to uh to have one of the people that i sponsor who I'm very privileged to sponsor, who lives out in the western part of Nebraska. And he is here today. And Tom, two weeks you got. The devil made me say that. Oh, what a way, where it came from. Anyway, I did the fourth and the fifth. And one of the things that kept on working these steps, You know, one of the things that I had, I had been married to this lady who was, I hated her with a passion because, you see, she's the one that stood between me and the woman that I was living with at the time when I was married to when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and she wouldn't let her come back. She said, you don't want to go back to that bum. And so I really had a resentment against this woman. Oh, my God. So he kept on, and after we got into the steps part of it, And he says, now, Jim, what about that mother-in-law of yours? I said, I've done all the others. I listed and had the list, and I went off the list. Look, I went over there and did this, and it was fine. Everything was good. What about that Mother-in‑Law? Wouldn't let loose of that Mother‑In‑Lau business. I'm not going to make amends to her. She's an old bitch, andI'm not gonna do it. He says, yeah, you're not gonna be free of it either, are you? And so finally one day, I called her up and made a... And she was so shocked to hear me. And I told her, I said, I've been sober and I think I've been sober about a year and a little over a year. I haven't had anything to drink and my actions have changed since you last knew me. And I'm trying to work a program. And one of them says that I have to make amends to the people who I've harmed. And I have harmed you. She loaned me a lot of money for business and the business went broke. And she said, I don't want to because it doesn't look like you can take care of business. And I was insistent and all this sort of thing. Anyway, she gave me the money, and it went down the drain. And she never said anything more about it. So I went to her, and I said, I harmed you in many, many ways. But one of the worst is I mistreated your daughter. And I apologize very, very sincerely. That's the best I can do for now. I know I owe you some money, and I'll pay you. and she says and she came over and put her arms around me and we both started crying and she said I only wanted you guys to be happy I just wanted you to be happy and she's that's why I was so protective of her I said I understand now but I didn't understand then and that was this one more time that the working of the steps was such a relief and it was such I couldn't believe I would have bet any kind of money that that would not be the reaction that would come from her first of all I thought she'd probably hang up on me when I called and secondly she'd slam the door shut in front of me when I went there and the fact is it was a totally different thing but anyway at the urging of a sponsor and I assure you that without the best sponsor that would never have gotten done and so for anybody who's new or out there or who's out there without a sponsor. Why don't you do it the easy way and get one and do what your sponsor says? You know, sponsorship is one of the greatest things that has happened to me in my life. That man is still my sponsor. That's 29 years later. And I sit in a meeting with him every Wednesday night at least at one meeting a week. And I sat with your speaker tonight. I sit into a meeting with him and he said, him every week and we he is our sponsor and we pay the respect to him that we that we need to and we set in meetings with I got to tell you that Alcoholics Anonymous as strange as it may seem I heard that the first night is the greatest deal I've ever had it's the best deal I'd ever had it has done things for me in my life and that they would that are impossible and And for you who are new or who have been out there for a while and here for a while, if you think that it has been everything has been wonderful since I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, that's not so. But I'll tell you one thing that is provided. It has provided the vehicle for me that I did not have to react to adverse conditions by going out and getting drunk and making the condition worse. And that's what has always happened in my life before I came to alcoholics or not i uh i had uh i was in you know trying to do all these things and i moved out to westchester and i got those kids back back out there from oklahoma and their mother's alcoholism had begun to manifest itself and they wound up in a foster home and i brought them out of the foster home and brought them out to Los Angeles. And I got to tell you that when I moved them out there to Westchester after they had been in a foster home in L.A., because my sponsor advised me that I needed just to keep going to Alcoholics Anonymous and that they would be okay there until I could take care of them. So I did, and I moved him in with me. and these kids began to blossom with their alcoholism. And if you've ever seen a guy who was three years sober, got two kids, two teenage kids, very early teenage kids. Never been a father to those kids at all. And I take that on and they come in my house and I'm saying, my God, they're little monsters. What in the world did I... Why was I so insistent on getting a hold of these kids? What in the hell have I done? I was nuts. And so, very fortunately, I got married again one more time. You know, that was something I did regularly. And this is the first time in alcohol sober. Anyway, she and I put these two kids together, and boy, it was a mess. It was worse. and so finally we got divorced and the kids went three doors down the street to live with her sister which was a great setup because I could work then and the children were taking care of and all this and I'd see the kids and all that stuff make a very long story short their alcoholism started blossoming they both went out on their own and one of them went in the Navy and I just kind of lost track of They just started doing their own thing. And about this time, I got a call from my dad who used to come out and visit. My mother had died of alcoholism at the age of 56, cirrhosis of the liver. And I got called from my brother Bill, and he said, Your dad is sick, and it looks like he's going to die. You better get back here. He's been out on another drunk, and you better get black here if you want to see him alive. So I went back there, and I looked at my father. And all the way back there I was praying, God, please tell me what to say to my father I don't know what to Say to my Father. Please tell me What to Say To my Father And I went in there, And I said, Dad, I'm not back here to criticize you I came back here because I love you, and i love you very much You know what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me in my life so I'm not going to try to compare that or give you that information or advice but I just want you to know one thing I really do love you and I turned around and I walked out and one of the happiest days of my life was that I was able to call back there a year later on April the 3rd and wish my 79 year old father happy number 1 AA birthday he was in this hospital and they had Alcoholics Anonymous there and he started going to meetings at Alcoholics Anonymous and when he got out he started going to meetings he went to seven meetings a week and he loved Alcoholics Anonymous and when I called back there I said God Dad I'm so proud of you gosh I really you can't imagine how proud I am of you and he said wait a minute son you don't seem to understand it was your example that allowed me to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and for that I want to thank you And all I could do was cry. That was the best I could come up with. But that's just, you know, I could go on and on and on. My daughter that my wife spoke of, you know, my daughter and I had always just butted heads. If I said it was black, she'd say it was white. And if I said, oh, it's beautiful outside, she'd says it's ugly outside. It didn't matter. Whatever my position was, hers was the opposite. I know none of you identify with that. But the facts were that that's the way it was with us. And we had moved back to Oklahoma. I wanted to be back there with my dad, and we'd move back there. I had moved black. We got married back there, and my wife got a call one day from Sheila, And she says, she had, by the way, had a little boy 18 months old without the benefit of wedlock, and that upset me some. Anyway, she says I guess I'm just going to have to put Brad in the foster home and walk the streets because I can't take it anymore. My wife said wait a minute, wait a moment, let me have your dad call you. and I tried to call her back and no she wasn't there she'd already gone out and she was out drinking someplace and so the next day Benoit did get a hold of her and so what I told Benoit was to tell her that we'd send her a ticket back to Oklahoma and she could come back there and she would stay with us until she got her life straightened out a little bit and she came back to Oklahoma and she brought all she possessed in about three boxes about that size And she brought this little boy. And I'd already told my wife, I said, now listen, you've got to understand something. I am not going to get emotionally involved with this kid. Do you understand that? I am NOT going to Get Emotionally Involved With This Kid. She can come back here and we'll do all we can to help her and all that, but by God, I'm not going To Get Emotionally Invalid With That Kid. And she says, yes, dear. And so she went out to the airplane to pick her up. And there she came with her boxes and the little boy and I know that she came to the house and this little boy and I knew it took, after that kid got there it must have taken six, maybe eight hours before he had me wrapped right around his little finger and he still does and that is just part of the deal but she came back there and oh my God, it was all the same old stuff she was didn't have to she didn't say a whole lot because she was living in my house but it was that same old confrontational stuff and i told her i said if you stay here you're going to have to go to one of the meetings she said i'll go to al-anon i said that's fine that was okay for about 30 days until she got drunk she and her sponsor and she went into a blackout so then i said i don't think that's going to work with you and finally i then one day she had the little boy and she had moved out into an apartment and she misplaced the little boy. And I want you to know I was some upset about that and so she finally did find him and that sort of thing and I got a hold of her that night and I said Sheila Marie I want your help. I want to get you in my office tomorrow morning by 9 o'clock you and I have to talk. Now I'm a yeller and a screamer and, you know, all of that by trade. You know, that's just what I do. And I knew that that was not the approach that was going to work. I don't somehow... God gives us those little things that we need, you knows that we need them, and so he gave me the information. You've got to settle down. And so I said, God, please help me. And so before she came down there, I prayed real hard for God to not let me yell and scream. So I went in there and I looked at my daughter. She came in and she says, hi dad. I said, hi Sheila. Sit down baby. I want you to know something sweetheart. Your dad loves you more than you can just imagine. You don't have any idea how much I really do. We've always butted heads. We're always been at loggerheads with one another. And I hope that we can someday change that. But I got to tell you something. You got to change something. And i don't know what it is. Because because when that little boy was lost and you didn't know where he was and it was snowing outside and it could have been anything, I want you to know I was terrified. You know why I was horrified? Because of your mother's alcoholism and my alcoholism, you kids wound up in foster home after foster home. And that has made me sick all of my life, and it's made me guilty all of mine. But I want to tell you something. I really do love you even the way you are today especially the way you are but you've got to know something if you don't do something I'm going to have to legally take that child away from you I will not let my grandson suffer the same kind of consequences that you kid did I just won't do that and she looked at me and kind of dropped her head turned around and says I understand dad and she walked out But I had not raised my voice hardly above a whisper, and I was really grateful for that. And I was sitting in my usual place in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that I go to on my third row back on the aisle. And they asked for newcomers, and my wife hit me in the side, Jim, look back there. there was my daughter and she was holding her hand up and she was she was holding her hand up and I looked back there and I was asked to it was a participation in the beginning it wouldn't you know participation first then a speaker and they asked me to participate and I said, I just saw one of the best Christmas it was around the 15th of it was the 15TH of December is when it was I said I just got one of the best christmas presents that I could possibly have my daughter just raised her hand as a newcomer I couldn't ask for a better one than that and now it's you people's turn let's see what happens with Alcoholics Anonymous in her life and I sat down and I want to tell you something If I live to be 197, I will not forget the way I felt that day, the gratitude that I felt to members of Alcoholics Anonymous because they had rallied around her and they had just started showing her the way. And that's what we do here. We show others the way, the whole thing that if you take any of our meetings, any of these conferences or anything else, And you boil it all down. Outside of maintaining our own sobriety, our whole effort and our whole reason for being is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. And I hope to God I never forget that, and I hope that you do, that you never do. Because that's where we are. What do we do here in Alcoholics Anonymous? What we have to offer is, I'm an alcoholic, andI can carry the messageto another alcoholic. Now, I've heard all this other stuff that's trying to get, you know, attach itself to Alcoholics Anonymous, but I got to tell you something. I'm of the school that believes that we cannot dilute our effectiveness by trying to include everything else that there is out there. Everybody else has got problems, sure, but my alcoholism and your alcoholism is the thing that we have to work on. and we can't dilute the power of Alcoholics Anonymous by trying to be all things to all people I hope to God we never forget that let's keep AlcoholicsAnonymous, AlcoholicsAnalymous and then we can still carry the message of AlcoholicAnonymous I want you to know that I am really grateful to be here today it is one of the best deals I'm with family I've been coming to this part of the country for a long time And Dick and Peg and Scott and Reggie and all of them, I'll leave somebody out, surely. But the facts are that these two people right here beside us, they're very important in our lives, you know. My friend Tom out there that I sponsor, that's an honor. All the people that I support, it's an honour to sponsor them because, you Know, whenever I think about, I don't think I want to go to a meeting tonight. I go all the time. I'm always at meetings. Why do I need to go tonight? Because I've got people that I sponsor who are going to be there, and they may want to talk to me. They may need to talk with me. And we may just want to see each other and say, hey, yeah, we're doing the same deal. We're doing it together. We're going to do the deal together. Thank you for your hospitality. Thank you all that you've given us on so many occasions. Bye-bye.