He Thought He Had More Class Than a Common Alcoholic – Kip C.

I think we're going to hear a great story this morning. I'm looking forward to it. I give you Kip C. from Southern California. My name's Kip Collins, and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is May 12th, 1984. My home group is the Vista Men's Hole in the Wall in Vista, California, and it's the best meeting in Southern California I want to thank everybody for allowing me to participate in my recovery. I love the South. I used to spend a lot of time back here, hiding out from the law in Southern California. I always get nervous every time I get angry. I don't mind speaking, but every time i wear a suit, it brings on old feelings. I'm either going to sentencing or I'm getting married. Neither one of those were very comfortable for me. my father's half Sioux and half Irish my mother's Cherokee and Irish and when my father drank it was interesting my mother didn't drink but my mother liked to fight she amazed me she was the bravest woman or the stupidest woman I've ever known I love her with all my heart My mom is my hero But that old man Would come home drunk every night And if you'd just be quiet He'd pass out and go to sleep But she'd sit up and wait for him And she'd jump on him And he'd get going And the last words was Go ahead and hit me You son of a bitch And bam He'd oblige her And the next night She'd sit down And sit up And wait for Him And the night And the day And it was like that Until I was about 12 years old I just stand there in amazement. You know what's going to happen, Mom. I ain't letting him get away with it. God bless her. I don't tell you that I blame my alcoholism on my father because my father was a great teacher. He taught me exactly what alcohol will do to a family. He taught мне what it would do to children. He taught меня что это будет делать к родителям. Он научил меня что будет делать с мужчиной. You know, and he was a good example of what not to do. And I was never going to drink. I was ever going to be like that man, you know. It was absolute terror. I live real close to the border of Mexico. In the neighborhood I grew up in, I was the only person, me and my brother, we were 11 months apart. We had blonde hair and blue eyes and everybody else was Hispanic and they didn't speak English and we didn't fit in that neighborhood. and I went to see my cousins and my cousins are all they have dark brown eyes dark hair and dark skin and we didn't fit in with that family and we couldn't figure out what was going on you know and we went out of that house and those Mexicans wanted to beat my ass and I came in that house and that crazy father of mine wanted to be beat my a** and uh I stand in that doorway I'm scared to death to go in the house or go out of it and that caused something to happen and kept you know because I I found out at an early age that if I could act crazier than any one of you and if I can keep you in fear of me you would leave me alone and that's the way I ran my life you know I can remember the day that I really put that all together my mom she just she's the greatest mom in the world and we were pretty poor but she saved her money and I was her oldest son and I and she bought me this little suit it was my very first day of kindergarten I remember that day crystal clear I've set a whole pattern in my life. And she bought me this little suit and had a little beanie hat, you know, and a little blue blazer with a little thing on here right here, you know, and a bow tie and little short pants. And she was dressing me, and I was knowing what's going to happen, you know. But I love my mama, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. And my mama walked me down to that school, and there's all these Mexican kids, and they're standing there leaning against the wall in their t-shirts and Levi's and tennis shoes looking at Lord Pomproy walking down the hall. And then my mama left me there. And I don't have to tell you what happened, you know? But it never happened again. It never happened again. You know, in my story, I respect the singleness of purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous with all of my heart. Believe me, drugs are part of my story. I was never ever going to be an alcoholic. But when I was 12 years old, in school they decided it was time to lecture the young people about drugs. And they brought in these people and they showed this film and they started talking about this stuff called marijuana. And I watched that film and I listened to them explain to you what it did to you and how it made you feel. And I was filled with anticipation. And I just, I just said, that's, that sounds marvelous, you know? And I asked my buddy Balto, I said, Balto do you know where we can get some of this stuff? And he says, yeah, he says my dad smokes that shit, you know, and I, I said well see if you can get something. So he got, I couldn't get it, I say did you get it? He said yeah. And so he showed me this funny little rolled cigarette, you know. And he said, now we've got to drink cheap wine with this. And I said, why? And he says, I don't know. My old man does. So we went down to this little liquor store down in our neighborhood and we each of us stole a short dog of port wine. And went down this canyon and I smoked this dope and drank this wine. and I fell in love for the first time in my life. You know, something happened inside of me that only you people will understand. For the very first time в my life I felt like a whole human being. I felt just as good as I knew you people felt. And all of a sudden it was all perfectly clear and I understood the first three steps of recovery a long time before I got into recovery because I knew that I was powerless over this world and my life was unmanageable And I was scared and I was terrified of this world. I smoked this dope and I drank this wine and I came to believe that there was a power greater than myself, you know? And when I experienced that power, I immediately turned my will and life over it with no reservations. You know, and I never ever looked back. When I was 14 years old, I got kicked out of school for hitting a teacher. They said I was antisocial. and uh i got home and my mom had found my dope and uh this always amazed me my mom let my father practice his disease in our house for many many years and she found my marijuana and she said you get the hell out of my house and uh and i left i lived in a little tiny town there was about 800 people who lived in this town i'd never been anywhere never done anything but I was over at a friend of mine's place, and we were reading in the newspaper. And they got this deal going on up in San Francisco. And they said, check this out, Kip. He says, all these people do is get high and make love and listen to music. Now, I loved the first two, and I'd really been wanting to get involved in the third one, you know. So I went to a place called Haight-Ashbury in 1964. And I got an education. I lived there for the next three years. I lived on 228 Haight, right in the center of it, and right next to the Fillmore Auditorium. And I learned a manner of living that other people didn't get to learn. I learned at a very early age. You see, my father had also told me that if I wanted things in this life, I had to work hard, I had go to school, I have to do this. He didn't do any of it but he'd like to tell me what to do. And I found out he was crazy. I found that if had the bag, I could have anything I wanted and anybody I wanted, you know? And that's the way, nothing I'm proud of, but that's the way I lived. I started smuggling drugs across the Mexican border when I was 16 years old. Two years before I was old enough to cross the border and I got arrested down there with 400 pounds of marijuana and I went to prison in Mexico at the age of 16 yearsold. And I'll tell you this, in Mexico prisons are not real nice. Nice things don't happen to young white men in Mexican prisons. And that should have been enough to scare me but you see, it wasn't. And I got out of there and I came back to the United States and I continued to live the way I lived and do the things that I do. On my 18th birthday, I was arrested with a gun in my mouth at 5.30 in the morning and charged with 27 felonies. And the minute I was old enough to go to prison in the United State, I went to prison. I was there. They didn't waste no time and I got another kind of an education in there. I learned how to be a criminal and I learned how to do things right. And when I got out of there, you know, I continued to do what I was doing and you know this gal that when I first went in there I'd been running with this one gal and she comes from a real, real nice family and they hated my guts, you know. I couldn't figure out why but I figured they were prejudiced. They were Mexican and I wasn't, you know, so. And that little girl got pregnant and when I was in that prison she had a baby and when i got out of there i tried to find her and her family wouldn't let me anywhere near that house or anywhere near her give me any information and i'll tell you this i didn't tell you, you Know, but when i was young and i would lay in bed at night waiting for that old man to get home. Me and my brother used to talk about the kind of men we wanted to be when we grew up and the kindof fathers we wanted to be, and the kinds of husbands we wanted to be. And I wanted to be a father. You know, other kids used to talk about what they wanted out of it. They were going to do this. All I ever wanted to be was a father all my life. I wanted kids. I just loved kids. I wanted to have a kid worse than anything in this world. And I tried to find that little girl and I couldn't find her. Nobody gave me any information. So when I started running around this other gal, you know, she bailed me out of jail three times in one week. And I figured that was true love. It was good enough for me, you know. She was 15 years old and she woke up a judge at 3 o'clock in the morning to make bail for me. And I said, baby, I ain't ever letting you out of my life. So I married her, you know. And two years later, we had a little boy. And for you that have children, and I think you know what I'm talking about. You know, they brought that little boy out and they put him in my arms in the hospital and something magic happened to me inside here because I fell in love with a human being for the first time in my life. The first time of my life, I really experienced love and I looked at this son and I thought it was just magic, man. I was the highest I've ever been in my whole life. And I thought about and I made all these plans and dreams of what kind of father I was going to be and the things I was gonna do with him and the things we were going to do together, all the things that I had never got to do when I was a young man. And a couple of years later, I had a little girl. And it was the same thing. They brought her out, and they put her in my arms. You know, I'm an alcoholic, and I like to project, so I'm immediately thinking about, God, some guy's going to come and ask me to marry her someday. I mean, she's an hour old. I've got to get things planned. And I started planning the wedding, the kind of wedding I'm going to give her and the kind of father I'm going to be and all this stuff, you know. And I'll tell you this, you know that I was a good father. I was an amazing father. I was always a good Father for a long time. I had a lot of money. I had place in Mexico, I had Place in San Francisco and I had nice place in Southern California. I owned a legal business that made an awful lot of Money and I spent most of my time with my children and I played with them. I really identified with Reggie because I am a child at heart, man. And I'm most comfortable with little children, you know. I love to play jacks. And one day, September 6th, 1976, things in my life changed dramatically. I do not believe at this time that I was alcoholic and I do not believe that I wasn't a drug addict. I was very cautious about what I did. That was the business that I had to be real careful and you don't make mistakes. I noticed early on in my life that when I drank alcohol, I did stupid things. And when you do what I do, you don't need to do stupid things too often. And I didn't want anyone to notice me. So I kept a very low profile. But on September 6th, someone brought me over some good dope and I started smoking that stuff. And it was a hot day, like I guess in Southern California in September. And I was playing with my son in the garage. And I got on my bike and I didn' t tell anyone. You know, my son was, I didn't tell you, but he was deaf. And you had to watch him all the time because he'd wander around and you couldn't find him and you had keep your eye on him. And I got stoned and I got on my bike and I didn''t think anything about it and I took off to the store to go get something to drink. And when I came back, my house was surrounded. The police were there and the ambulances were there and I waited in there and my son had chased me out of the driveway and I did not notice it and a truck had run over him. and i waited through the crowd and i found my son and his head was split open and i could see his brains and most of the bones in his body were broken and the thing i loved more than anything in this world you know that i take responsibility to take some care of you know i got loaded and i dropped the ball and my son lived he was in a coma for nine months and i have the first time that i tried to make a deal with this god that i didn't know anything about, but I'd beg God to give me my son back. I'd do anything if he'd give me my son and I'd cry and beg and I sat at that hospital. And my son lived, but he had massive brain damage and he never got past the age of about four or five years old mentally. And he had incredible problems. We went through 27 major brain surgeries through his life and it was always one thing after another and every time we'd have to go to the hospital, I knew that I was responsible for that. And things in my life started changing. I had all these feelings of guilt and this picture in my mind that I couldn't get rid of of my son laying in the street. Same time as this, my brother was the closest friend of my life ever had. He was the best friend I've ever had in my life. I mean, we backed each other's play right or wrong under any circumstances and against any odds. And he was always there for me. My brother came down with a personality disorder called schizophrenia. That's one of the most insidious diseases known to man mentally. and my family had him committed to a hospital. My brother called me from this hospital after he had been there for a while and through some drugs and some therapy, he had kind of got a little bit of grip on things and he said, get me out of here, man. And he's my brother, man, you know, I said, okay. And I got money and I got a lawyer and I bought him a trailer and I set him up alongside me and I gave him money and he got away from his doctors and he started deteriorating one more time and I was a big deal and I had to come back here to the Midwest, Oklahoma do some business my brother was crying he said I don't know what's going on I'm coming apart and I said I'll be back in three days it's always been me and you It always will be. I said, just hang tight, man. Just hang tight for three days. I'll be right back. I said here's some money. I always figured money would fix anything. And I got back and the scam I was on went sideways on me and I ended up there for about two weeks and when I got to the end of it I got a little trailer I'd bought for him and I knew before I opened the door but I opened that door and the third day my brother had taken that money I gave him and bought a gun and he blew his head off. and when I opened that door his head and body was laying there at the foot of the door and it was just a pile of maggots you know and it Was just something big giant other piece of me died something else that I had taken responsibility and the only person that I loved and trusted the most in the world I destroyed him you know and from that day on that was the day that was a day that I discovered with all of my heart that alcohol and narcotics work real well I tell you this story for one thing And my drinking and my drugging is a little bit different than other people's. In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it talks about those among us who got here with grave emotional mental disorders. And I'm one of those people. Because something inside of me broke that day. Because I see I had all these pictures and all this trauma that I'd been through. And I couldn't get it out. And all this guilt and all these feelings of remorse. And alcohol worked. And I tell you this from my heart to yours. I thank God for alcohol at the bottom of my heart. If it would not have been for alcohol, you would have a different speaker here tonight. I would have blown my brains out. But alcohol worked for me. It worked real, real good. It took away those feelings. It took way that picture. It took all that stuff. It stopped that screaming in my brain. And I could live in this world somewhat. Things started to go, you know, my daughter came in and I was shooting some dope one morning and she came in and she saw me fixing dope and she said, Daddy, I thought needles were for sick people. And it was like a slap in the face and I decided that I needed to get some help so I checked myself into the very first treatment center of many, many more to come. And that was my first experience with A&A. And these people came in there, these common drunks, you know I'm looking down my nose at them You see, I'm a drug addict And I have a lot more class than any alphaholic And I'm lookin' down my noses at these people And I thought, well, if I ever have a problem with that I might look you up And this lady, she just laughed at me you know, and they were good people, members of the hospital institutional committee. I came back, and Reggie talked about one of my favorite subjects is Mad Dog. My first experience with Mad Dog, I'd never even heard of it. A guy came over one night. My wife had left, ran off with this other Coke dealer who was doing better than with me, and I was sitting there with my little girl trying to figure out what I was going to do, and a friend of mine came over with this big old jug of Mad Dog wine. And I said, what's that? He goes, it's called Mad Dog. Have a little sip. I came to the next morning on a wide-bodied jet with my little girl sitting next to me. And I looked around. The plane was empty. The stewardess is saying we've landed. And I asked her, where am I? And she said, you're in Fort Lauderdale. And I answered, Fort LaUDERDALE, FLORIDA? She goes, yep. I said I hate Fort Lauderdale, Florida. She goes I don't know anything about that pal But you got one ticket, one-way ticket, and you've got to get off the plane. So I got off that plane, and I did what any good respecting alcoholic would do. I got a cab, got a room, and got a bottle of Jack Daniels and went to sit down and tried to figure out how to put this all together. And that started a series of eyes sharing in a general way. I lived in five different states. I lived here in Memphis for a little bit. I lived in Georgia I lived in Florida I lived in Oklahoma I lived in Texas and every place I went it was going to be different everywhere we went I tell that little girl of mine you know I loved her with all my heart I said baby I'm going to get a job I'm gonna get a house we're gonna go to church you're gonna go to school and I'm gonna be the kind of father that I dreamed about and that you're dreaming about and I promise you that with a solemn oath the only thing is you see I've been a criminal all my life do anything. You know, I can put 10 tons of pot from Zuatoneo to Boston, Massachusetts, but I've never filled out a job application before, you know? And I don't have a Social Security card and I've had an identification in my name before and I'd never functioned in society before. And it was very confusing. People wanted you to keep paper trails of everything you do and it fell out all this stuff. And I would just get so confused with everything. But I would always gravitate towards my kind of people, because I know how to make money and I know how to live in this world. It's going to work for $4.50 an hour for suckers, I'll tell you. And I would always get in the same kind of jams, because see, my drinking is progressing and I'm not as smart as I was. And when I drink, I have to do whatever my mind tells me to do, and it tells me to do all kinds I read you talking about whiskey talking. He always said, let's do this. Let's do some of that. Let's go. Let's just do this and I always have to leave because it would always lead to violence. Some of them would get hurt and I would have to lead and by the time my daughter was nine years old I'd walk into some little flop house a place where we were staying and she would look at me and she knew by the look of my face and the way I was walking if we were stayin' or goin'. We were in Oklahoma City and I heard a man real bad and I came in that house on a dead run and she looked at me and she grabbed the doll and we ran out the back door. We got on this bus and I said, baby, we're going back to California. I passed out and I, I came to in Gallup, New Mexico and my little girl was sitting there and she's crying and rocking back and forth and I asked her, and I says, what's the matter, baby? And she says, daddy, I'm so hungry. And I says as soon as this bus stops I'll get you something to eat, honey. And as soon As the bus stopped I walked into this little liquor store and I got her a sandwich And I got me a bottle of wine Because I'm sicker than a dog by now And I gotta pay for that And I only had enough money for one or the other And I had to put her sandwich back Because I couldn't get back on that bus without a drink There ain't no way in the world It was absolutely impossible for me To get back to my house To get on that boss without any alcohol But the screaming would start And the feelings would start I was physically addicted to alcohol Me and my daughter had already been Seeing me in DTs and getting real sick from no alcohol. And she was more afraid. At the age of nine years old, my daughter understood alcoholism to the point she knew the alcohol was more important for me than food for her. You know, because I couldn't do anything unless I had alcohol in my body and she understood that. But that look in her face when she saw when I told her, I said, baby, we ain't got enough money and she smelled that cheap wine one more time in my breath. It was a look that only another alcoholic has seen before in the eyes of someone they love. I got back to California, and I hadn't seen my mama in a long time. And I took that little girl over there, and my mama took her and looked at me, and she looked at my little girl, and she said, Get the hell out of here. And I grabbed my little Girl, andI said, Where will we go? And she grabbed my Little Girl and said, We ain't going nowhere. You are. And thank God for my mom. She took my daughter. The next three years of my drinking was on the streets. It was in and out of institutions, in and in and not of jail. I lived on the side of the road and I lived in the bushes and I panhandled for wine and I was an animal I was panhandling for wine on a Sunday morning I know it was Sunday because these people were going to church in front of this little store and this family pulled up in this square four door sedan and this guy got out of his car and he had a real short haircut you know, and he was wearing a suit and tie. Kind of looked like me now. And I had this square little wife and these square little kids sitting in the back of this car. I looked at him. My hair's down to about here. My beard's down about here I've been in the same clothes for two years and a lot of things live on me besides me. So I look at this man and I just go, my God, how can you live that way? You know, I know. You're not free I'm free See, I valued my freedom You know I had a condo on the beach Consisted of a little Pile of bamboo With a septic tank Drained down into And it smelled so bad Nobody would go down there It was real private I had to give view Of the ocean And it was close To this little store I can't handle that And I was part Of the local color You know and I had it made in my mind. But this guy looked at me and I never thought I could be humiliated anymore. And I didn't care what anyone thought about me. All I know is alcohol worked and alcohol took away those feelings and that's all I live for. The only thing I live, I live to drink and I drink to live. And he looked at him and he looked up at me and it was a guy that I'd gone to school with. It was a guys that I had known when I was real young and he was one of those kind of people I hated. He came from a real nice family he got good grades everyone liked him you know and he was in all the sports and I just couldn't stand people like that but he got out and he looked at me and he gave me two dollars and that was a jackpot for first thing in the morning because I could buy a whole quart of wine and that set me right for at least half the day and he look at me and I could see his reflection of me in his eyes and I turned around to go in that store and I saw me in the window of this store. And I saw what he saw. And I got real angry because not about who I was, but I knew he was judging me. You know? And I went and got that wine. And that man wasn't judging me at all. That man's a real good friend of mine today. Him and his wife and his children. And I'm here to talk about religion because it's got no place in Alcoholics Anonymous. But this is a good Christian family. And they got down on their knees in that parking lot and they prayed for that poor drunk. they weren't judging me about the time those people were praying for me i was sitting in my bamboo patch opening that bottle of wine or not and i had the damnedest thought i had in years it said i remember what those people told me at that first h and i a meeting i went to they said if you ever have a problem with alcohol you might want to give alcoholic synonymous a shot it was real hard to get any denial going that morning and I you know I have to this day I've thought about it thought about thought about I have no idea how but I ended up at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that night it was a real small meeting I have no idea how I found it or anything about it I cannot remember but I do remember this that those people had told me if I came to AA people would welcome me with open arms and I walked in there and these people looked a lot like y'all all nice and clean cut you know, and y'al had cars out there and you were smiling and laughing it didn't look like any kind of drunks I'd ever seen I was wondering if they had a room for the more severe cases and right away you guys were talking about God and I saw you pass a basket and I said they're going to start singing pretty soon, I've seen this before And I'm getting ready to get my happy. You know, I noticed this one old gal. She kept looking at me from the minute I walked in. And I knew I didn't have anything she wanted. And she kept smiling at me. She kept trying to get her eyes smiling at me and I was getting real nervous. No one welcomed me to that meeting, I'll tell you this. I walked into it and people moved over. I smelled real bad. You looked at me real close and you'd see something dark from there to there. And I'm sitting there, I'm getting ready to get the hell out of there. I knew this wasn't for me, and that lady saw me getting ready to leave, and she stood up and she introduced herself. She said to him, I walked in the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous 27 years ago in Santa Monica. She goes, I walked into it and I looked at y'all, and y'alls looked so nice and clean, especially you ladies. You looked like ladies. She goes I've been a prostitute all my life on the streets of Santa Monica, and I'd done everything a woman ever had to do to live out there on the streets and I knew how ladies like you judge ladies like me. She goes, And I knew you wouldn't welcome me and I turned around to leave but someone grabbed my arm and brought me a cup of coffee and begged me to stay and told me that they needed me to please keep coming back. And she proceeded to talk about the next 27 years of her recovery and about her family and her career and about all the miracles that had happened and she kept looking right at me. And then she walked right over in front of all those good people didn't want nothing to do with me and she grabbed me up in her arms and she hugged me as tight as she could hug and she kissed me right square dead on the mouth. I was the bravest woman I ever met. I tell you, only a Steve Hooker from Santa Monica could have done that, you know. And she looked me in the eyes and she said, honey, she said please come keep coming back here we need you so bad. And I started crying and I hadn't felt those feelings since so long and nobody in this world would touch up any kind of feelings of care or love. It was really genuine in a long, long time. And I started coming to this A&A. But you see, people lied to me the first time, right off the bat. They told me if I'd stop drinking, things would get better. Now, I don't know about y'all drinking. I'll tell you about mine. My problem is I don'T have any problem with alcohol. Alcohol's caused me some problems in my life. Well, my problem is I have an acute allergic reaction to sobriety. And I would stop drinking. I'd stop drinking, and they also told me to get a sponsor. I've had parole officers most of my life. I don't want another one. I ain't going to volunteer for one. I saw all those steps and said that I have to make a list and admit it to another human being. I was in prison in Mexico, and I learned when I was a young, young kid that you don't cop to nothing even if they got pictures. You know? I deny it. Demand a jury trial. Hope for the best, you know? Don't give nobody any information on you. Never give yourself up. Never show a weakness to another man or a woman. They'll use it against you. You know, I'd listen to you people spill your guts. I'd be so sorry for you. I'd feel so embarrassed for you, you know, and I... Oh my God. And I just like to sit in the back. I like to go to speaker meetings back then, you now. I just go to speak because you don't have to do too much. You just drink coffee and listen, be quiet. Nobody will bother you too much, you know. Nobody will ever ask you to do anything. And that's where I wanted to be. I didn't want no one to ask me to do nothing. You know, I just wanted to have your sobriety rub off on me. And I'll tell you this as anyone in these rooms, you can stay sober under the people's recovery for a little while. For a little While. But recovery is a hell of a lot more than not drinking alcohol. But alcohol is not my problem. It is my solution for living in this world. And my solution wasn't working no more. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous for six years on a regular basis, and the longest I ever got was 30 days. But I was going to do it my way. I woke up at the Vista County Jail Christmas morning, 1983, 1983, in a rubber room, butt naked, handcuffed, covered with blood, didn't know if it was mine or someone else, scared to death to ask. You wake up and you're in that rubber room and you roll over on your back and you look up in that little window and you see all the cops looking at you and laughing, you know it's not going to be a good day, you know? In your heart of hearts, you just know it'S NOT GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, you know? And I found out that I'd gotten a little drunk the night before, had an argument with a police officer and lost rather badly. And they let me out. You know, I was just a common drunk. They were used to seeing me. I was there on a regular basis. They always told me to keep coming back. I was always good for a laugh. And they released me and I got out of that place and I wasn't coming back here. AA don't work for people like me. I'm that person they talk about in Chapter 5. I ain't never going to get sober and I'm tired of being y'all's token drunk, you know. I went back to my place. I had a little tiny, tiny little apartment, you know, and I had little bit of money because if you stick around AA and come to these meetings, you get a little bit functional, you know, and a few little things will happen to you. And I had a little measly little job and I was making a little bit of the money here and there and I took all this money and I spent every single bit of it on tequila and cocaine and I went and sat in this room and I started drinking this tequila and shooting this cocaine and then the next most important day of my life happened. And that was September 6th. It's 630, 1984. Excuse me, January 6th, January 6th alcohol stopped working and drugs stopped working. And I remember that crystal crystal clear. It was the scariest I've ever been in my whole life. And i've been in some real scary situations, but I've never been more terrified in my life than that moment. But I reached that point that it talks about in a vision for you. There's going to come a time where you'll not be able to imagine life with alcohol or without it. And I'll tell you, I know what that means from the bottom of my soul. It says no loneliness such as few human beings can imagine. You know, and at that time, if loneliness would have been a tangible thing, it would have absolutely eaten me alive. He said, you come to the jumping off spot and you wish for the end. And right then and there I thought about it. I knew I couldn't come back here. But AA didn't work for me. And alcohol didn't work no more. It didn't stop the screaming in my head. It didn' t take out those pictures. It did' n't take away the feeling. It started amplifying it and it got worse and worse. And I couldn' t drink enough and I couldn''t get enough dope in my body to stop this stuff. and I pulled out my gun and put it to my heart and I pull the trigger and it blew me against the wall and it flew out my left lung and two ribs and I looked down at this hole in my chest and I saw the blood pumping and I think God thank God this is over just let me out of here just let be out of there and then I come to in this damn room in a hall y'all thought I died didn't you I came to you in this hospital. I got tubes coming out of every hole in my body and a few new ones I've made. And there was this old man, a guy named Charlie Tuck. He's passed on now, and I'll break his anonymity. I hated this man. He was one of them old-timers, you know, that look at you like that, shake their head. Came up to me at a meeting one time. He got me, looked me dead in the eye on this table. And he smiled. This guy used to be Al Capone's bodyguard. He was a real gangster. He looked me right square in the eyes and he said, You think you're pretty tough, don't you kid? I gave him my best jailhouse look. I said, Yeah. I said I'm tough alright. And she looked at me and he smiled and he says, You ain't tough. He says, You're the scaredest son of a bitch in this room. He said, that might make you dangerous, but it don't make you tough. And he walked away laughing at me. My greatest fear I've ever had in my life was that you men were going to see how terrified I was. I would do anything in this world for you guys to prove to you I wasn't afraid of you. I'll gunfight you, I'll knife fight you, I'll do anything you want me to do. I'm not afraid of anything in the world, but inside I'm dying. I am scared to death. I still got a little kid standing in the doorway. I'm scared to go in that house and I'm afraid to go out. And I built this wall of fear around me. And this guy saw right through it. And I walked there, I'd go into a meeting, every time I'd walk there I'd look in that meeting, ah, that son of a bitch is here, I ain't going in there. You know. And I come to that morning in that hospital and that son, he's right at the foot of my bed with two newcomers. I'm thinking I'm trying to lay there with my eyes so I don't let him see that I'm coming too, you know, because I don' t want to talk to him. He probably wanted some advice on something, you know. He didn't say a word to me. He had these two newcomers with him. And he put his arm around both of them and he said, You see this guy right here? And he went, Yeah. I said, This is what happens when you don't work the steps. he says come on we're going to a meeting he never said one word to me I was mortified and humiliated he obviously didn't know how sensitive I was I got out of hospital I ain't gonna do it I ain'T coming back to this damn place you know one of my old partners he had just made the scam a scam come true We made $7 million on this deal. And he came and picked me up. He says, come on, Kip. He says I got this big house on the hill. I got the best looking woman you ever met. We got everything. Come on. We went up on this hill. Big old mansion. And we started doing all that stuff. And alcohol didn't work. And you women didn't. And dope didn't worked. And nothing worked. I was dead inside. There was a desert of loneliness, of emptiness, of hopelessness. And I just wanted to die. I wanted to Die worse than anything in this world. I just Wanted it to Stop. On May 12th, 1984, I opened my eyes. And God had touched me right square on the forehead. Because usually my first thought when I open my eyes is, I want something to drink. You know, right now. That was the first... I wake up. with two thoughts. The first thought is, shit, I'm still alive. And the second one is, I need a drink. But I woke up this morning and I was reciting the ABCs. It's right after chapter five at every meeting. See, I've been to so many of these damn meetings, you guys have poisoned my mind. And I thought, this is an awful killer thing to be thinking about. And I started thinking about that. It's the first three steps is all that is. And it says that I'm powerless over alcohol. Now, I know I'm an alcoholic At this point in my life, the courts have referred me to mental health. They're in the process of making a decision whether they're going to make me a ward of the state of California at the age of 36 years old because it's become quite apparent to everybody that I was a danger to myself and others, and I could not manage my life. I knew I was an alcoholic. There was no doubt about that. But the 12-by-12 talks about it, he says, that don't matter. It talks about to my innermost self in here where I live, where no one else can see. It don't matter what I admit to you or what someone else says to me. And I thought about that, what does that mean? You know, and all of a sudden, it was like I was watching a movie and I could remember that morning, and I got a thousand stories about powerless over alcohol, but I remembered that morning of me walking back on that bus with my little girl and thinking about her, the way she looked at me and how I felt inside when I had to spend her food money on my alcohol And then it hit me right here where I live, down deep inside. And I understood that when I put alcohol in my body, from that point on, it does not matter about who I love, about what I love. It don't matter about my dreams, my plans. Sure as hell don't care about yours. But I've got to do whatever alcohol says to do and it always says the same thing. It says get me some more. and I'm willing to give up anybody or anything to get it so that no human power is ever going to fix me. I always hoped one of you gals in AA would fix me, you know? A few of you tried. I've always been grateful, but... Didn't work out too well for either one of us. Seldom does. And I got real scared, you now? I thought about the Department of Corrections, I thought about the mental health units, the churches, the good people and all the people and women and men and my children and a couple of wives and a bunch of lighthouse keepers and a whole bunch of other people all across the United States that had reached out and tried to help me and how hard I had tried for six years. It might have been much but I kept trying and I wanted to not drink. I really did. In my heart of hearts I wanted to not drinking and there was no human power in this world that could stop me from drinking when this thing said it's time to drink. I always thought someone was going to say something someday or someone was gonna give me the magic formula and it would take that away. And I suddenly realized because this God stuff, I thought that was a bunch of shit. The world I come from, there was no God, I'll tell you. And if there was a God, He certainly had a perverse sense of humor and I didn't want anything to do with it. God was for that people who live up in the suburbs. Not for people like me. I just pissed him off all my life, you know? I tried to make a deal with God in prison several times. He didn't cut me no slack. He didn'T cut me any slack. I tried making a deal with God, with my son, with my brother, with a thousand other stories. God never gave me any of that stuff, you Know? So when you guys started talking about God, I didn't know what you were talking about. You know? It said this. There's no human power, but God could and would if he were sought. And I started thinking about what that means. And I decided thinking about the people who had what I wanted. And it wasn't their money, it wasn t their women, it was n their cars. It was the way they conducted themselves in this world. The way they walked straight ahead and a certain look in their eye. And the way I watched them walk through difficulties that I could not imagine. And they did it with dignity. And they didn't drink and they didn t run. And all these people had one thing in common. They talked about this power that did for them what they could not do for themselves. I got down on my knees that morning and I said this little simple prayer and it was most sincere moment of my life. I said, you know, I don't know who you are and I don' t know what you are and I do' n't think it makes any difference but from this point on I will do whatever you put in front of me if I do not have to drink or use any narcotics and if you are not there I'm screwed. And all I can tell you is this the longer I've been sober and it hasn't been that long I feel like the real newcomer some of the speakers we've had here I've only been sober a short while. But it's been, the more I've done it, I know what a blessing was given me that morning and I believe in grace because something happened right then and there and it was the first time in my adult life that I knew I was going to be able to walk through that day without taking a drink. I didn't have any doubt about it. I knew that I could stay sober that day if I kept that simple concept. I went to that old man who busted me and told me that I was scared, old Charlie Tuck, and I knocked on his door. And I said, Charlie, he goes, what do you want, son? He said, I said I don't want to drink no more. She said, what are you willing to do? I said absolutely anything. He says, come on in. I sat down and his lovely wife eating. She made me out of shaking so bad and she brought me some orange juice and some honey. And she came over and she gave me a kiss. She was the sweetest gal in the world. He sat there and he said, Kip, he says are you done and I said Charlie I said I pray to God I'm done he said that's the right answer he goes Kip he says I've been watching you for a long time and people like you don't get sober not even on Alcoholics Anonymous very few of you you have brave grave grave damage to your very soul psyche something inside of you is broken he says you have the capacity to be honest with yourself if you have the capacity to study and learn these steps and follow me there might be some hope but I'm going to tell you that it's going to have to be like this for you that your recovery and your sobriety is going to have to be more important than any human being in this world it's going to have to be more important than your children it's going to have to be more important than any woman it's going to have to be more important than any dog any job or anything in this your sobriety, that's the day you're going to take another drink and you'll never, ever get back here. Old Charlie was the director of the Hospital Institutional Committee. This man drove 1,500 miles a week carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to institutions, correctional facilities, and he got me involved in that at 30 days. And my sponsor was one of the all kind of sponsors I've heard all throughout this conference He didn't care how I felt. He wanted to know what I was doing, you know? I'd call him up with an earth-shaking problem and he'd let me get about halfway through and he would say, Hey, there's a guy named Bob at the Thursday night meeting. He's outside the front door and he's shaking real bad. He ain't got no money. He's expecting you. You go sit with him. Get him some coffee. Take him out to the meeting and feed him and let him... and sit with Him until the bar is closed. I'd say, But I've got a problem. And he'd hang up on me. And he would take the phone off the hook. You know? And I'd go meet this guy, and I'd go sit with this guy. And I call him back and I say, I've got a resentment the next day. He goes, about what? Well, I had a problem yesterday, you know, and he goes, what was the problem? And I go, uh... I don't know, but it wasn't right. You know. I come home. He'd be able to say, Kip, he says, just walk in the door, he goes the main speaker out at the brig can't make it tonight, and there's a guy on his way to pick you up, so get your coat, and you'd hang up, take the phone off the hook. I'm coming up on 90 days. He said, well, I said, Charlie, I almost got 90 days, he said, so what? I said well I don't have to go to the meetings every night. He says who told you that? I say well all these 90 meetings in 90 days and he goes yeah but remember me and you were talking and you told me you weren't like them people? He goes, you're right. You're not. He says, you keep going to those meetings until I tell you to stop. I married a woman in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, a lady that I was to experience love for a woman with all of my heart and unconditionally. And it just so happens we happened to get sober on exactly the same day. And she comes from the same place I do. And she, I fell absolutely head over heels in love with this woman and we got married and between us we had six children and that's what we had. We had six kids and six children and a desire to stop drinking. And that's all we had and Charlie tells me he says you know you're doing all these menial little jobs it's time for you to get a real job so I got a job my parents business in sport fishing and they run boats out of San Diego. And they're the only people in the world that would give me a real job and these private party boats I make people get drunk out there. That's the whole object, you know. You charter the boat for yourself, you bring all your friends, you get a keg of beer, get a pile of dope and go out there and play Buccaneer, you know, and he says, Kip, he says you know because I'm still having trouble with this God concept he says you better get a God. You can't have mine. So I'm down there I'm so confused about this stuff and I'm getting ready to get on the boat. I've seen him load the liquor up and everything and I've been out there many, many times and I know it's a real dangerous place and he's... I look up and there's this pelican flying over me. I don't know if you've got many pelicans in Memphis but down where I live we've got a lot of them. If you ever get a chance to see one check out the way they look at you when they fly over your head. It looks just like these old timers they look down at you like this. They've got a certain look in their face. I was real messed up, and I said, oh, okay, something's looking out for me. I just felt it, you know? And that might sound real strange to you, but I'll tell you this, that I worked in that boat for one year every single day, and every day that I thought about drinking, there was a pelican sitting right in the water right next to me, walking one-eyed cock like this. And that got me through my first year. And I was at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single year, and I went to work every single night, and that's what my sponsor said. He said, you go to work every single day and you go to a meeting every night, your life will change. And he made me go not just to meetings, I had to go to step studies, I hadto go to book studies, Ihad to goto men's meetings. You know? He wouldn't let me go to a speaker meeting unless I was speaking. It kept me real active, you know, and all the things happened at three years sober. The state of California gave me my driver's license back. it's another part I didn't tell you about but my last 502 I had many, many of them was .49 and I got a bad accident and it really pissed them off they said I'd never have a driver's license in the state of California as long as I live you know and they gave me my license back I'd been after I the second year they asked me if my sponsor said it's time to get off that boat and get another job it's not time for you to learn a real trade I said I don't know how to do anything he says you know howto pray and I said yep He said, all right, get on your knees and tell God that you need to learn a trade. Tell him I sent you and go get one. And I said, I ain't got a car, Charlie. He says, you got two feet? Start moving. God can't steer a parked car, you know. I got down on my knees. I said God, I've got to learn to trade. Charlie says, I got to do something. I'll take whatever you got. I walked out the door. I lived right behind this little honky tonk. Walked out to the front street. Just pick up, pulled up. rolled down his window he says hey you want a job scared the shit out of me tried to talk my way out of it I said you know I ain't got a car you know and he said that's alright my shop's around in the corner he goes I said well what is it he goes I'm a painting contractor I said I hate to paint he goes that's okay I'll teach you so I went back and I called Charlie I said Charlie I got a job ten minutes later I'm thinking he's going to be impressed he said what is it I said it's painting He goes, that's a good job for you. You don't have to think very much. And he popped me in. This was the guy who had one of the biggest painting contractor businesses in Southern California. He hired over 150 men. I don't know if you all met many painters, but I'll tell you what, we got a lot of alcoholics in that trade. And the ones that aren't alcoholics are absolute drug addicts. And they're all perverts, you know. And he thought I was the only sober person in this whole crew. and I go there on Monday morning it was like going down to San Diego Detox you know and I and I go to work with these guys my sponsor said you got to make a commitment you're going to work for this man for a minimum of one year he says you'll never ever refuse anything he tells you to do you'll be the very first one there every morning with a good attitude you greet everybody there with respect and courtesy you'll never ask him how much they're paying you whatever he pays you is more than your worth And I'm looking for an angle. And he covered every one of them. He says, you'll never quit and you'll never give him a reason to fire you. And I went to work for this man. And after a little while, you know, this guy comes up to me in this meeting and he says, you're in that A&A, aren't you? I said, why? I don't copy nothing. He said, you're always smiling. He said. I know about you. I know people who know you. I've heard some things and I said you don't drink with us at work you don' t get high you take that book at lunch time and you go sit and read that book I know what that book is and I say yeah how do you know that and he goes well I've been a day here I said yeah you still go he said no I can't go back I said how come he said well you know he says I just couldn't get sober I went in there and I had to keep raising my hand because I kept getting drunk and it's just too embarrassing to go back I said really how long did you do that for he said god I did it for almost six months I started laughing and I told him about my six years of doing that and I said I'll tell you what Steve I said why don't you come over to my house on Wednesday nights and my wife she goes to a women's meeting that night and I usually stay home but I can't get out I have a horrible time getting to a meeting why don'T you come on over and you'll sit at the back door of this bar we'll read this big book and after 30 days you can sneak back in the meetings you won't have to raise your hand nobody will know and I say if you change your mind I'll buy you a drink. So he came over. Steve started changing. After a while, another guy came over and after a while another guy came over that's now the Vista Mintz hole in wall it's 150 minutes one of the most active groups of Alcoholics Anonymous in San Diego and you know I had nothing to do with it God put me that's the way God has always worked in my life in recovery He's put me in a place where I could be of service to my fellow man and to myself both at the same time You know at three years sober that little girl that was born when I was in prison I got a phone call she said your name Kip? I said, yeah. She goes, I'm your daughter and I want to get to know you and I went and met that little girl and I met my grandchildren and I made amends to her the best I could and I held her in my arms that I'd waited for 23 years to hold and I got to love her and I brought him in and I watched him graduate from high school at the age of 22 years old. And they said that could never happen. We were involved in Special Olympics. I mean, he made the state championship for bowling. He was in everything. We crammed as much in 10 years in his life as someone with severe handicaps could possibly have. You know? And we did all those things. We built a boat together. We went to Mexico camping. We went on those fishing trips and we did it. We did all that stuff and we went to church every single Sunday and we Went Bowling every Sunday afternoon and he grew up the last 10 years of his life in Alcoholics Anonymous and he understood unconditional love. And everybody knew him. And I got to see my son look at me the way I always dreamed he would, you know. And that little girl I drug around the country. A man came up to me one day, a little nice fellow, and he said, I'd like to ask your daughter's hand in marriage. And I looked him in the eye and I said, you drink? He says, no sir. And I said okay. He said, You can marry my daughter on one condition. I said what's that? I said, if you ever raise your hand in anger at my daughter, you keep moving and change your name. She said, do you understand? She said yes sir. I said okay. And I gave my daughter a wedding, the kind of wedding I dreamed about. Every month for the rest of my life I'll be paying on this credit card. My grandchildren will be paying on it. And I gave her the kind of wedding and I walked her down the aisle that I dreamed about and she looked at me the way I dreamed about her looking at me. I spoke in Australia in 1993 and I came back from Australia and it was I could not believe I started doing an inventory of my life and I said, how can you possibly get from where I started to where I am? I became a painting contractor. I made a lot of money. I became a member of a church and I loved it and I was respected there. I was expected in my community. I was in several community projects. I've not only gotten involved in Alcoholics Anonymous, I've gotten involved in everything. I had a lot of amends to make and a lot of them were to my community and every day I had the woman in my dreams. You know, I had everything I ever dreamed about having and I could not believe it. And I was reading in the newspaper and I'm reading about this man who broke into this woman's house and he tied her up and he raped her and he did all these horrible things and then he took a knife to her and cut her to pieces and I got down to her and it was my daughter and I'll tell you all this that I'm absolutely perfectly capable of first degree murder if you touch one of my children and I went to the hospital and a man had broke into her house and he dead things told this woman that were unspeakable she lost her right arm she lost her breast and most of her face and I walked into that hospital room and I saw my baby, the one who I was born when I was in prison who I just built this relationship and I said, I saw this thing that did not even look human and I was filled with a rage beyond rage. And the way my anger works is see, I don't go crazy. I start making plans very cold and calculating and this ice water took over and I can't sleep and I'm making plans because the cops got this guy and I know how to get at him and I think and I got no problem in this area. My sponsor says, what are you going to do? I said, I'll handle this. And I'm nuts and I'm crazy and I can't sleep. I have to read this book and as I had to read it I couldn't figure out what was going on and I got to this part about resentments. You know what? I've searched through and through that book and it doesn't say that I can be resentful if someone rapes my daughter. it tells me that resentments will kill me period it says to me if I live in anger if I leave with all that stuff it'll cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and the insanity will return and I'll drink again and then I have to get right back to what my sponsor told me when I first got here that nothing, absolutely nothing in this world can be more important than me being sober not my kids not anything in this word but if I drink I throw everything away it's all gone and I can't go live in that world one more time and do the things that I used to do and do it sober. And the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life was get down on my knees and pray for that man that did that to my daughter. And I'm not going to tell you, I'm nicht going to lie to you and I'm niet going to say I forgive him. But I'll tell you this, that anger and that rage and that insanity went away. And I was able to go be a father to my granddaughter and I was also able to be a grandfather to my grandchildren and I gave them the kind of help for the first time in her life that she needed me more than she ever needed me. I was there for her with all the resources she needed. You know, and that's what I owe to Alcoholics Anonymous. You guys gave me that. Right after that, I came home, and they told me that I had cancer, and they said they were going to cut off my lips. I'm real attached to my lips! My sponsor, I was fearful of, you know, they say the big C word, malignant, and you just go, huh? And I'm full of fear, and I have to go to my sponsor, and he says, go to the doctor, go get another opinion. I went there he said the same thing he says go to another one I went to another and he said well you know what we can do this surgery and he was a plastic surgeon and a specialist in this area and I had this surgery done and it worked out successfully it was very painful and I told him I can't use any kind of drugs or anything like that that I did this with Novocaine and aspirin and I will never do that again never ever with a Salmo. I got through that and I didn't have to drink and I came home and I noticed there had been something going on with my wife and I couldn't put my finger on it just something was different and I come in and she said those words us guys just hate to hear when we first walk in the door they look at you and go we have to talk you know it's not about something wonderful and she sat down and looked at me and started crying and I said what's the matter kind. She said, Kip, she goes, you know, I love you. She goes, you're the best man in my life. She says, you're everything I ever wanted in a man. And if I wanted a man, it'd be you. She goes but I'm in love with this woman and something's going on inside of me that I ain't got no control over and I'm leaving you. And my wife came out of the closet as a lesbian and joined the lesbian community with this woman, and I did not know how to react to this. You know, I have no tools for this. No one prepared me for this, he didn't tell me this was going to happen. In that book it says, you know, if I do everything right, I'll get everything, I thought it said. And I got angry and I said things that weren't kind. And I couldn't sleep and I couldn' eat and I'm nuts one more time and I have to go back and I've to read about resentments, I have look about anger, I had to look about that one page. One thing a lot of people forget And it's at the very bottom of page 62 where it says, here's the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. If anyone's having trouble finding God, quit playing him. He finds it very amusing, but you know, I can't find God. They're walking around trying to direct this, direct that. They're pissed off this isn't going. They can't fine God. I don't know. here's the how and the why but first of all I had to quit playing God and I had to do an inventory on that I had to do the only thing the only love I've ever known other than my children is what you people gave me and what you gave me was unconditional love you didn't ask about my sexuality when I came here you didn'y ask about anything about me you asked me if you have a desire to stop drinking and then you people loved me and you loved me in spite of the things I did I mean if you could be kicked out of Alcoholics Anonymous I guarantee I wouldn't be here I have stolen your money I've passed out I've chased your women I've done everything in this world wrong that you can do in an AA meeting and you haven't kicked me out yet you know and you just love me and the only thing I know about love is from my children and from Alcoholics Anonymous and I have to do an inventory do I love this woman or do I feel like I own her am I in charge of her sexuality am I en charge of her life or do i love her and I feel I love this woman with all my heart and if that's what she needs that's her business it has nothing to do with me today that woman is one of my dearest dearest friends we're divorced she's married to a lady and they both come over to my house I cook better than both of them you know and we're dear friends we're all members of Alcoholics Anonymous and I tell you what only things like that can happen in AA you know my son we were at the state California champion, Bruce Bollings. And it was just me and my son and everything else was gone, you know. And my son got sick at the playoffs and I had to take him to the hospital. May 25th, 1993. And I took him to the hospital and they admitted him and they did a little surgery on him. And my sun got a staph infection in his blood. And I sat with him and I held him for four months around the clock in that hospital The members of Alcoholics Anonymous were there with me. And they spelled me, and on November 4th, he died in my arms. And I'll tell you this, that at that moment when my son died, I had to make the decision to turn off the life support machine. I experienced and knew serenity, and I knew peace. I understood what serenity means I don't know what it means to you but I know what it means to me serenety doesn't have anything to do with watching a beautiful sunset with her or him in a pocket full of money serenty to me was absolute total acceptance of God's will whatever happens in my life that God loves me with all of his heart I am God's favorite kid I have no doubt about it he has never hid anything from me in this world I've got to experience everything there is to experience you know in Alcoholics Anonymous and out there nothing's ever been hidden from me. And I found out that I could watch someone I love more than anything and more than my own life more than everything in this world I could wash them die and know that that was God's business and I could cry and hurt worse than I knew you could possibly hurt but still inside be at peace. And after he passed on I shaved him and I cleaned him up and I got him all ready for the mortuary and having my sponsor got down on my knees and I thank God and I thanked Alcoholics Anonymous and I think I thank all of you because you see you gave me those 10 years to be with my son to be the kind of father I dreamed about being I was there I made good decisions and good choices I was here for my daughters both of them you know and I walked out of there and I went to a meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous I had no money my home group the best of men's hole in the wall passed the basket at one time raised $12,000 between these men. And they gave my son one of the biggest funerals I've ever been to and there was 250 cars there and 55 motorcycles. You know? And it was a grand going out party. You know, and I and I didn't deserve that. You know. How do you get from there from where I come from that many people that cared about me and my family? You know I didn' t know what to do after all that was gone, everything in my life was gone. The job had gone, the work had gone the money had gone. My health had gone my wife had gone the kids were gone it was just me so I only went to the seventh grade and decided to go to school. Now I'm an alcoholic so I'm gonna go to college. So I went to this University I told them what I wanted to do and I wanted get a bachelor's degree in this length of time they said you can't do that. I said why? They said well that's just too much so So the next two years, I did 24 units a quarter with no breaks. And went to high school at the same time. And I got my high school diploma and my bachelor's degree in two and a half years. I owe that to you. You know, I said, how do I go to school? He goes, the same way you went to AA. The teacher is your sponsor. He's going to tell you to write, write. He's gonna tell you read, read. Sit down, shut up and listen. suit up and show up every day just like aaa and that's the way i did that because that's the only thing i know is what i've learned in these rooms and i went to school and i did what they told me and and i and i got a job working in a hospital and i i do real well there i have another job that i work in uh um in construction business and marketing i'm a national construction company and i'm very well paid there and i get to do a lot of traveling and uh And my life is good. I have a little tiny house and I have my dog and my life is good and I wouldn't trade places with anything, you know. I have not allowed another human being to come into my heart of hearts for a long, long time. You know, that area was real damaged and I loved y'all but I couldn't let anyone get too close, you know, there was a lot of healing that had to take place and I needed someone and I know that if I need someone that's not healthy for them or me, you know? about six months ago I was feeling a little lonely and I was feelin' real comfortable with myself and my sponsor told me that I could have another relationship as soon as I didn't need one you know so I got on my knees and I said Lord, I said you know what if it's your will They don't make no difference to me. But if it's okay with you, it's Okay With Me for you to bring love back into my life one more time. My God has a real funny sense of humor. I'm thinking of some woman, beautiful, lots of money. There was a gal that I was going out with and we were having a good old time. And I got a phone call four months ago and she said, her mother called and said my daughter's been in a very very bad car accident she went drinking one more time she was a sole member of this program and she got in a horrible car wreck and I don't know if you're aware but you and her have a daughter together and I went what? She goes yeah you have an eight month old daughter and there's no one to take care of that baby and she can't no more and two and a half months ago I became a single father one more time and God brought love back into my life you know and she's the sunshine of my life you know it's just me and her and my dog and we have a good time You know, and I'll tell you what, you're going to hear another miracle. You know where she's at right now? She's with my ex-wife and her wife. They went to a pumpkin patch, you know, party. There ain't nobody in the world I trust more than her with my daughter. You know? She's a good woman. I tell you this, you new people. I don't know a lot. I know the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as outlined in the first 164 pages will work for absolutely anybody, anywhere under any circumstances it don't matter where you've been it don'T matter what you've done or what you ain't done if you're willing to live by these principles things will happen in your life you will not believe you'll never have to run from anything again chemically or geographically it'll teach you how to live in this world one day at a time very comfortably no matter what happens I know this too I know that no matter what I've got to do to stay sober it sure as hell is easier to stay sober than to get sober you know I'll leave you with this one thing my sponsor gave me one more promise it wasn't in the book and he told me this he says if you will live by these principles there will become a time when someday at about midnight when there ain't no one to impress just you when you're going to walk by a mirror and you're gonna see the guy looking back that you always wanted to be when you were that nine-year-old kid. And I ain't going to tell you I'm any big deal, you know, but I am. But I'll tell you this as a result of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Twelve Traditions and the Twelve Concepts of Fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous an excellent sponsor in the work that I have done and a loving God. I am the best human being I've ever been in my life in every aspect of it. You know, and I owe that to you. and I want to thank you all for letting me come here and your hospitality that's it