He Thought He Could Pass the 40-Question Test With an 80 – Dick G.

I've heard about putting pressure on a speaker but to say if you don't stop early we won't get ice cream. My name is Dick Gallagher, I'm an alcoholic but for those of you unfortunately who have heard me before I have good news and I have bad news the good news is I haven't had a drink since the last time I've had been here. The bad news is that means my story's the same. They told me when it was time for me to stand up here and talk, I should tell what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. And I used to standup here and say I drank too much, too often, for too long until I crossed the line from social to problem to alcoholic drinking. But the longer I've been sober and the more I look back, the more i realized there was never a period of social drinking in my life. I remember my first drink or my first drunk, they evidently happened the same night. I was whatever age you are when you're a toddler, you know, running around. My aunt and uncle were over sharing a bottle with my parents, and I would go into the kitchen and climb on my mother's lap and get a taste, and then I'd go out to the front room and get sample from my uncle, and i would go back into the kitche. Later that night they heard this thumping sound in the hallway and when they went to investigate there was this little kid bouncing off the walls trying to get to one more drink that's my whole story we can go have ice cream you know for the next 30 some years i bounced off walls trying to get to win more drinks people change places change the drinks change the results never changed by the time i was in high school i had figured out if i drank i fit in if i drank i could do anything if i drink i could go anywhere if i didn't drink i didn's fit in and i couldn't do anything so while the rest of my classmates were making their mistakes learning from them and maturing i was solving all my problems with alcohol so by the time I got here, my maturity level was still back there. Some people think it still is. The day I got out of high school, my father took me to the front gates of the steel mills and he said you have two choices. You can spend the rest of your life inside these gates doing hard physical labor or you can find yourself a way to get a college education and a ticket out. And it took me about two hours inside those gates to realize that physical labor was not going to be my strong suit so I did find a way to get down to campus and I would like to share with you tonight some of my marvelous collegiate experiences but the truth is I don't remember I really don't you know the I didn't know what a blackout was until I got here but I've been experiencing them since high school and And when I got down to campus and all the restraints were removed, my drinking progressed. And my normal day was to get up at whatever time that happened to be, find the largest bottle of alcoholic beverage I could get a hold of, and I would start the quote-unquote party. And I would drink for 12 or 18 or 24 hours. And I Would pass out, and they'd pick me up and put me in a bed, and I Would sleep for 10 or 12 hours. And I WOULD get up and start again. There's a problem with that. you tend to flunk out a lot. But I hung in there because I knew what the alternative was. And I remember it was the beginning of my second senior year. I thought I found the answer to my problem, so I married her. Then I had to graduate, and I figured if I was going to have to go to work, I needed the type of job that would support me the manner to which I thought I should become accustomed, so I decided I would become a corporate executive. And I got myself a trainee job with a major company in downtown Chicago, a flat top, a gray flannel suit, a briefcase, and I went out to start up the corporate ladder. And one of the requirements of the job I had was that I go to graduate school two nights a week and get a master's degree. And the way they did that is they let us out a little early so we could go get some dinner and prepare for class. And the first night, I just happened to run... It's a story of my life. I just happen to meet some guys who, instead of having dinner that night, were going to go have a drink to celebrate the start of the new school year. And we went across the street to a little cocktail lounge on Michigan Avenue and I discovered the nectar of the gods called a martini. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. And I'll tell you what, for the next three years, two nights a week, instead of going to have dinner, I was over having three or four or five martinis preparing for class. And I want you to know that I always got to class. I did not always get to the right class. And surprisingly, I did very well in graduate school and I did even better on the job and I became the fair-haired boy and they began to groom me. And one of the things they did was make me an expert in corporate planning. And I took those skills and applied them to my personal life, and I had a six-month, one-year, three-year and five-year plan. And if you would have asked me what those plans were for, I would have told you that it was to get a raise, to get the next promotion, to get an newer car, to get larger house. But the truth was, I was scared to death, frightened, miserable, and I thought if I was making more money, if I had the next commission, that I would find some peace and some happiness. And I always got the promotion, I always get the raise, I never found any peace or any happiness so two or three months into each new promotion each new job I would have to start planning the next promotion because that was going to be the one that brought me some peace and some happiness then I discovered the secret to success in corporate America what you do is you drink with your boss's boss then what happens one day they call you down to the corporate headquarters up to the personnel department, and they have this big walk-in vault with magnetized blackboards, and they have magnetized name tags. And they pull back the curtain, and they say, here's the new organization chart for this division, and my boss would be working for me. A couple problems with that. I began to worry who the people who were working for me were drinking with, because I figured everybody was doing the same thing I was, and I began to wonder whether or not I was capable of handling these jobs I was getting promoted to because of the way I was getting promoted. So I had to make sure I got promoted at least once a year, because I figured it would take them that long to figure out that I didn't have a clue what I was doing. And that worked all right until I was about 30 years old, and there were only two jobs left above me, and both of them were better at playing these games than I was. So I wasn't going anywhere for about 10 years. So I did the only practical thing. I quit. And I went out and became a consultant. I want to tell you, that is a terrific job for an active alcoholic. They pay you to drink with people. We had martini lunches. We had fancy wines with dinner. We drank cognacs all evening. It was terrific, except I didn't find any peace or happiness there either. So I Did a career in geographic cure, you know, and I moved to Indianapolis and opened my own practice because that was going to be the answer. I wouldn't have all these pressures. I wouldn'T have all this union problems. I would be rewarded for my own efforts. And the only problem was I took me with me and nothing changed. You know, I opened that practice. Outwardly it was successful. I worked very hard. I was early in the morning, late at night. I worked six, seven days a week. And when I wasn't working, I was drinking. and that became my life. I worked, I drank, and I slept. My wife says I worked I drank and I passed out but that's just a matter. I began to lose my tolerance. I never knew when I sat down at a bar still whether I was going to have one drink and be falling down drunk or whether I would sit there and drink all night and have no impact on me at all. It did not stop me from picking up the first drink. I just didn't know what was going happen. So my tolerance, I began to lose more frequently. I mean, the blackouts began to happen more frequently and they lasted for longer periods of time. It was always interesting when the American Express bill came in. They kept charging me for airline tickets to towns I'd never been to, for restaurants I'd ever heard of. I was always going to sue them but never got around to it. You know, most of the yets never happened to me. I didn't lose my family. I didn' t lose my company. I didn''t run into any school buses. I didn ''t burn down any buildings. I didn?'t have a hundred DUIs. I was just so sick and tired for so long, I thought I was normal. I knew that sometimes I drank too much, but then anyone that was under the pressure that I was under would drink now and again. And anyone who drinks now and agai will occasionally drink too much. And if it ever gets that bad, I'll quit. And my definition of bad kept changing. I remember it was April 13th, 1974. It was the end of the season. I remember driving home. I remember mixing the first drink to start the party. And the next thing I remember was early in the morning on Monday, April 15th. And I was sitting in my drinking chair looking at the mess I was in. And I preferred to drink at home. The drinks were larger, the service was faster. And in the morning, I didn't have to worry where my car was or where I was. But this particular morning, it was one of those moments of clarity, and I was looking at my life and what a disaster it was, and I knew I couldn't keep going if something hadn't changed. So I decided I would make a plan. And after two or three scenarios, it became obvious that the only thing I wanted to do was to drink and it was probably going to kill me and at that point in time that was okay that was just okay but I knew I couldn't sit in that chair and drink 24 hours 7 days a week at least not peacefully so I had to make another plan and like I said I hadn't been paying attention to the business I hadn'T been paying the bills and there was some money in the bank so I thought I would go down I'd take all the cash out of the bank I would be able to I would have to go out to the airport and with that American Express card that would always charge me for tickets that I never used. I would buy a ticket under my name to New York and I would go down through check-in and I was flip out and I wouldn't go down to another airline for cash and another name by a ticket to Los Angeles. Now, who at this point in my life was going to come looking for me? I don't know but I had to have this elaborate plan and when I got to Los Angles I was going get a room over a liquor store that was open 24 hours and delivered. And I was going to sit in this room and drink, and hopefully I would die before I ran out of money because that was as far as the plan went. And I fell asleep for a couple of hours, and I woke up, and for some reason I decided to keep this appointment in downtown Indianapolis. And I drove down there, and the client didn't show, and I was heading back to the office to get the checkbook. And the next thing I knew, my car was on the sidewalk, front bumper against the phone booth, and I was talking to the Intergroup Office of Alcoholics Anonymous. And this delightful lady was telling me how nice it was on the other side of the bottle. And she wanted to know whether or not she needed to keep me on that phone until she got someone up there to help me or whether I could make it to that night without taking a drink. You know, I got just a little upset that just because I pull my car up on the sidewalk at 8 o'clock in the morning and call Alcoholics Anonymous does not necessarily mean that I have a problem. I finally convinced her that I could go to that night without a drink, and I gave her my name, address, and phone number, and then I had a problem, I had to call my wife and tell her that I'd called AlcoholicsAnonymous and one of those people was coming to our home. and I was sure she would say no way you could be an alcoholic call him up and cancel was not her reaction that night this elderly gentleman came to the door smiling from ear to ear you know how they do when they think they've got you I don't know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn't Roy and Roy came in he told me some of his story and what happened to him with alcohol and how AA was working. And he gave me a pamphlet of 40 questions that were used in Indianapolis at that time, and he said, now don't worry about your answers. You don't have to share them with anyone. Just go over in the corner and be as honest as you can be. I thought, I've got them. There's 40 questions. I'm an expert at taking tests. I could miss 7 or 8. That's 20%. That will give me an 80. That has to be passing. so I went through and gave myself the benefit of the doubt and it's my 7, 8, 9 whatever it happened to be and I got to the end and it says if you answered yes to one of these questions you need to take a look at your drinking and if you answer yes to two you may have a problem and if we don't and if he answered yes to three there's just no doubt about it and I told Roy the test was fixed nobody could pass it and that's how Alcoholics Anonymous built its membership I have since found out there are people that can pass that test I just never associated with any of them my score was also a lot higher than 7, 8 or 9 anyway Roy asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting and I didn't want to go to any meeting but I was pretty well boxed in so I agreed to go and we went to a speaker's meeting there were 80 people there all of them smiling you know my life is going to right straight down the toilet, I end up at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and these people are delighted to see me. There was something there. I couldn't identify it. I didn't know what it was. It took me months to figure it out. It was love and peace and serenity and I hadn't had any of those for so long I didn' t recognize them. And a man got up that night and he told my story. He absolutely told my stories. I don' t want you to think I don't want you to think I have an ego problem or anything but I was so sure they wanted me to join AA it was what they did is they called my wife they got my whole story so this man would stand up there he'd tell my story I think I was an alcoholic I would join and then they could put my name on the letterhead or whatever it was they wanted to do after the meeting the man came up to me and he said if you wanted a drink tonight do you have enough money to buy a fifth of whiskey I assured him that I did he said good you have enough money to buy a big book he took me up to the literature table he took my money is what he did but and he gave me this book and he says this book tells a story about how the first 100 men and women found a way to live without the necessity of alcohol and if that's what you're looking for that I would suggest that you read this book and study it under the guidance of a sponsor and put its principles into effect in your life. And they sat me down and said, it's suggested that you go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And I told them I was far too busy to do that. And they just smiled and said they are. They gave me all the slogans, you know, keep it simple, easy does it, let go like God. And I said, you know what? That's fine for these people, you know they're out there with a wet brain but I'm an educated guy. If you give me the theory behind our Alcoholics Anonymous work, I'll take some of these pamphlets, this book, and I'll go home. I'll figure this out, and then I'll get back to you. And they just keep coming back. Roy told me he would be my temporary sponsor for 90 days. He would take me around to meetings, introduce me to people, show me the rope, and generally be available to answer questions 24 hours a day should I need him. and that during that period of time I was to find someone who had the type of sobriety that I would like to have and I was asked them to be my sponsor and at the end of 90 days it was really simple, I asked Roy to be my sponsor because from that day to this I have yet to meet a man that had the serenity that he had it was just one problem now Roy had drank for a long time he had this speech impediment couldn't speak in complete sentences All he could say is little short phrases. Don't drink. Go to meetings. He reminded me of one of those little dolls with the pool string. You know, it doesn't matter what you said to him. My life's falling apart. Don't trick. You don't understand. Go to a meeting. Happy to report that he eventually did get to the point when he could carry on a regular conversation. Took a lot of work. at that point I didn't know whether or not I was alcoholic and if I was I didn' t know that I wanted to do anything about it but I was running out of options I didn''t know what else to do so I thought I would try this for a while and see what happens and I entered into what I call my first phase of recovery and looking back over my sobriety I've gone through many phases the phase for me will last anywhere from 4 or 5 weeks to 3 or 4 months some phases are recurring and occasionally I'm in more than one phase at the same time. My first phase was what I called the bewilderment phase, otherwise known as what is a nice guy like me doing at an alcoholic's anonymous meeting because I didn't figure I belonged here. My definition of an alcoholic at that time was an old guy, and I was younger then, you know, that drank cheap wine out of paper bags and slept under viaducts. And I only drank expensive wine, and when I slept under viaducts, it was always in a big car. So how, in my mind, there was a difference. But I didn't have to sit around these tables for very long before I knew there wasn't. My next phase was the walking on eggshells phase, which covered the period of time from when I came into AA and my wife started going to Al-Anon to get help for herself. You know, and everybody tiptoed around, don't do anything to make him drink. I loved his face. If I didn't want to do something, I'd say, oh, if I have to do that, it will make me so upset and so nervous, I will probably drink. And she'll say, Oh, don't drink. And I'd do it, and I'd stay okay. Then she started going to Al-Anon to get help for herself and her answer became, you'll drink if you want to drink and that's your problem. And that was the end of that phase. Then I went into a why did I drink phase and I was sure there had to be something wrong with my blood chemistry or some traumatic experience that happened to me when I was a child that caused me to drink the way that I drank. And they sat me down and they said, you know, the only reason you want To know why you drank is so you can fix it and drink again. And if you have truly crossed the line into alcoholism, you have a disease for which there is no known cure. But your illness can be arrested if you are willing to just put half as much effort into working this program. And then I went into my trophy phase. I was sure there was an annual banquet of Alcoholics Anonymous at which they gave out a trophy to Rookie of the Year. and i figured that went to the person who got through the 12 steps in the fastest period of time and i was going to win it so i made a plan i'd be through the first step at nine o'clock in the morning i'd been through the second step at four o' clock in the afternoon and i want you to know if you only work that part those parts of the steps that apply to you there really isn't lot to this you know and i was able to admit that i was powerless over alcohol but my life certainly wasn't unmanageable and that took care of the first step and iwas moving right along till about it was midnight one day and uh i was on the 12th step and it was time for my spiritual awakening I had converted my drinking chair to a meditation chair and I had a thermos of coffee a big book, twelve stack of bibles a stack of pamphlets and a bible and I sat down to have my spiritual awakening I sat there all night I tried it with the lights on and the lights off I tried standing up, sitting down and kneeling down nothing happened And in the morning I called Rory and said, this program doesn't work. So I was on the 12th step, which certainly was news to Rory. So I went on the twelfth step. It was time for my spiritual awakening. I sat up all night. Nothing happened. Rory said, don't drink. Don't remain. Then I went into one of my many pity pot phases. and I hadn't had a drink for a while. I certainly wasn't sober, but I was dry. And I went to that same speaker meeting and they were trying to recruit somebody else and the man told a different story and I said, oh, he's an alcoholic. I'm not. And I could have said anything to any one of those 80 people and they'd have stayed with me as long as necessary to help me. But I didn't and as soon as the meeting was over I'm out the door down to the bar and I ordered, I don't remember what I ordered. It was something I didnít normally drink. I drank about half of it, went home, went to bed, got up, said, ah-ha, I'm not an alcoholic, you know. I had one drink, I quit. I didn't even drink all of it. You know, and I stopped. I don't feel guilty. AA has not ruined my drinking. I must not be an alcoholic. And I began to plan my next drink. And the next drink was going to take some planning because it was goingto require a motel room, a case of bourbon, and several hundred dollars. and while I was trying to put that together Roy called on a Sunday morning and said get up we're going to a breakfast meeting now Roy didn't know you know I only told Roy what I figured Roy needed to know but he knew I was in trouble so we went to that meeting and then we spent he spent the entire day with me and for the first time I became honest with him and I started telling him where I was and that night I went to a discussion meeting and for the first time was honest and shared with the group because by this time I had been dry long enough to know that I was alcoholic and if this program didn't work for me, I was going to die an alcoholic death and I no longer wanted to die. And they spent that hour sharing their experience, strength and hope with me and I came out of that meeting with hope that this program could indeed work for me. And then I entered into a let's work the steps with the guidance of a sponsor phase, and I would like to tell you from that point on, whatever Roy told me to do, I did. But this is an honest program. Besides, you wouldn't believe me. But I had become teachable and I had became willing. And when I went to Roy and he suggested that I do something instead of saying yes, but I tried it. And I found that I was not so unique. And what worked for my sponsor and his sponsor before him did indeed work for me. And things started to get a little better. and they told me not to make any major changes in my life for at least a year and I figured I was doing everything twice as fast so at the end of six months without guidance from my sponsor I decided I couldn't keep that business and stay sober so I sold it and then I went into one of my many what am I going to be phases now I was perfectly willing to believe that God got you all sober so that you could lead normal productive lives but that ego I don't have kept telling me that God got me sober for some great purpose that had not yet been revealed and while I was looking for that I also went into a let's save them all phase and I decided that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was far too valuable to restrict to alcoholics think how marvelous this world would be if everyone practiced these principles in all their affairs. And then it came to me, if God got me sober for some great purpose and the message of Alcoholics Anonymous needed to be carried to the world at large, God probably got me sober so that I could carry the message to the world, and he probably wanted me to do that from the pulpit, and I should become a minister. if you can follow that logic you're in the right room there was a seminary in Indianapolis that took some non-denominational students and I went to them and I told them my story and where alcohol had taken me and how AA was working in my life and that I believed God got me sober so that I could carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to the world and I watched I want you to know they're sicker than I was. They thought it was a great idea. This guy opens up the drawer, he takes out this form, and I start to enroll in the seminary, and we're going down these questions. It wasn't too bad. Then we got to this question, what denomination are you going to be ordained? He said, what? What denomination are you going to be ordained? I said, oh, do we have to answer that now? I haven't been to church for 20 years. When I went, I was a Catholic and I knew they weren't going to let me be a priest. He said, no, no. That's a third year question. Everybody takes the same classes the first two years. The third year, it's not until the third year that you have to make that decision. And I thought, you know, maybe what I ought to do is go get a job in a field which I'm trained and go to church for a while and see what it is ministers do the other six days because I didn't have a clue you know I don't know what they did so I sent out some resumes and within a week I had a job well the problem was the job was in central Illinois and Roy wouldn't move so I had to go over there without my sponsor and he told me first thing you need to do when you get over there is you need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days so I went to one of their meetings they didn't have a clue how this program was supposed to work and I used to stand up in the meeting right in the middle of the meeting and say you know it is a miracle that any of you are safe over as little as you know about the program of Alcoholics No. And they'd just smile and say, keep coming back. I would drive three hours one way back to Indianapolis to go to real AA meetings and tell them how bad things were over in Illinois and that we really needed to send some people over there to help, you know? And they sat me down I said, you know, you moved over there. You have to go to meetings over there and you've been taught how this program works for you and you go back over there and you work your program for yourself and don't you worry about what they're doing or not doing. So I went back and I started working my own program the way I'd been taught and you would be amazed how much better they got. then I went into another save them all phase only this time I restricted myself to alcoholics unfortunately not necessarily alcoholics who wanted to stop drinking so I would drive them around I'd drag them to meetings I'd call them at all hours and I'd drive around their houses at night to make sure. And they sat me down. You'll notice they sit me down a lot. They sat me and explained that I was to carry the message, not be alcoholic. And I was the conduit through which God's message was delivered. And then it was up to them and their higher power whether or not they got sober. And if they got sober, I wasn't going to get any medals. And if drank, it wasn't my fault. and then we went into then we went into I got a new sponsor over there in Illinois and I worked through the steps with him and I got involved over there in the fellowship and things started getting a little better I finished the steps and things were going along and then one day the handwriting was on the wall at the company I was with, and I thought it was time for a change. I'm sorry. It's part of my story. So I need to keep telling it until it's not a problem to tell it. During this time, we went through a growing together phase. And I was going to my aid meeting working my program to the best of my ability and Carolyn was going to her Al-Anon meetings and working her program to the rest of her ability and we would come home and we shared the topics to all hours of the morning and we began to grow together until she was not only my wife but my best friend and for that I thank the program of Al-Anon every day and then after we were there about four years like i say that the uh handwriting was on the wall and this time though with guidance of my sponsor we looked at my motives and why i wanted to move and where i was in my career and we agreed that it makes sense for me to make this change only by this time i was uh 40 years old and i didn't think i could keep making these moves and starting over all the time, and God was very busy. There was a lot of stuff going on in the world then, and he might not realize how important it was, this particular move, how important It was to be done right. So I thought maybe I'd help him out, so I made a few questions I needed answers to, about 30 of them. I needed to know that my house would sell relatively quickly. I needed To know that it would sell for a certain price because I needed the money. I needed to know where I was supposed to move because it'll have a lot of good A.A. I was going to check that out in advance this time. I needed zu know that I would be successful because I certainly could not move and fail, you know. I had to be sure I was gonna be successful. So I put myself through six or seven weeks of just sheer agony going through this, trying to figure out the answers to all these things. And I was driving over to Indianapolis for a board meeting and it came to me that if in fact I turned my life and my will over to the care of my higher powers I understood and my motives were okay now my spiritual program was in balance then I didn't need to know the answer to the 30th question before I took the first act when I got into where alcohol had taken me and how AA was working in my life and that I believed God got me sober so that I could carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to the world and I watched I want you to know they're sicker than I was. They thought it was a great idea. This guy opens up the drawer, he takes out this form and I start to enroll in the seminary and we're going down these questions and it wasn't too bad. Then we got to this question what denomination are you going to be ordained? He said, what? He said, what denomination are you going to be ordained? I said, oh, do we have to answer that now? I haven't been to church for 20 years. When I went, I was a Catholic and I knew they weren't going to let me be a priest. He said no, no, that's a third year question. Everybody takes the same classes the first two years. The third year, it's not until the third year that you have to make that decision. And I thought, you know, maybe what I ought to do is go get a job in the field which I'm trained and go to church for a while and see what it is ministers do the other six days because I didn't have a clue. You know, I didn' t know what they did. So I sent out some resumes and within a week I had a job. The only problem was the job was in central Illinois and Roy wouldn't move. So I had to go over there without my sponsor there and he told me, first thing you need to do when you get over there is you need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. So I went to one of their meetings. They didn't have a clue how this program was supposed to work. And I used to stand up in the meeting, right in the middle of the meeting and say, you know, it is a miracle that any of you are staying sober. As little as you know about the program of Alcoholics and Alcoholics. And they'd just smile and say, keep coming back. I would drive three hours one way back to Indianapolis to go to real AA meetings and tell them how bad things were over in Illinois and that we really needed to send some people over there to help. And they sat me down and said, you know, you moved over there. You have to go the meetings over there and you've been taught how this program works for you and you go back over there and you work your program for yourself and don't you worry about what they're doing or not doing. So I went back and I started working my own program the way I'd been taught and you would be amazed how much better they got. Then I went into another save them all phase only this time I restricted myself to alcoholics or unfortunately not necessarily alcoholics who wanted to stop drinking. So I would drive them around, I'd drag them to meetings, I'd call them at all hours and I'd drive around their houses at night to make sure. And they sat me down. You'll notice they sit me down a lot. They sat me downstairs and explained that I was to carry the message, not the alcoholic, and I was to be the conduit through which God's message was delivered and then it was up to them and their higher power whether or not they got sober and if they got silver I wasn't going to get any medals and if drank it wasn't my fault