He Thought He Could Drive Through a Quick-Fix Recovery Window 😂 – Jim W.

I know better than that. don't you love it hell they just give your name and then they clap for you got a call the night before last ten o'clock at night said do you have enough clothes to come up here I said what do you mean well you're from Texas you know it's pretty cold up here I said well I've got an old raincoat with a liner in it he said well do you have a hat and I said well I got a golf cap I said why are you asking me all this she says it's ten below right now and when I got here sunshine and I say see there hell she didn't know must be alcoholic. But Linda, I won't tell them it was you. Thank you for the coffee cup with the flowers in it. It's very nice. And they said welcome and I knew I didn't believe it but hell, I took it. Wally picked me up and I love to fry TWA because they're always late. I just like them they finally get there they make you think they're not coming they'd like for you to turn it over and they they just they start out right on time and they tell you we're starting out on time but has nothing to do with the rest of the trip that's only the beginning and they never fail they never feel they're consistent and they I like them they just really are good You get to visit a lot, talk to a lot of people. They sent six planes ahead of us on the way in here, which y'all are not rating very good up there in St. Louis. I'd quit them by God and go somewhere else. Well, we ought to have a hell of a weekend after we get through tonight. I've got some friends here. You didn't bring the train, did you? Damn. I was on a special train ride last time I went. Beautiful place. Where was that? Where was it? Boone. That's right, Boone Island. You ever been to Boone, Iowa? Go to BoONE Island and ride that damn train. It's great. We got a private train. I had a private trip. Well, they didn't take the train. We just went on a little car ride. They showed me the train, and then we got... It's alcoholic-y. We're going to take you for a train ride. They left the train in the bar, and we took the car. But I understood that. Well, we ought to do something. Dick's here and Peggy, Peggy. Of course, I just love Peggy and of course you have to love Dick because then you can't love Peggie if you don't. And I'm jealous because you have your story in the Bible they didn't use mine. Mary Pearl of course will heal us tomorrow afternoon they have her early before the foot washing and they've got a ringer coming in on you Sunday you want to be sure to be here but I'm going to tell you something y'all don't know she's from Dallas she used to drink some sometimes even by herself she told us tonight about going to Hawaii with a guy and the guy didn't get to go that's the way we do it says we can do it not like anybody else does it but we do we got them they ain't never going to figure us out no living way they can catch us we got em once they think they got em change it I love em I love them god I'm sorry I missed that treatment center deal I wanted to go with the co-ed of course I knew how to do that see it oughta been good in a little valium or something god we could have had our night meetings spiritual experiences every night God has given me compassion for the girls I don't know why thank God it wasn't the men everybody got their deal God I love that I am Jim Williams now call it by the way if you haven't caught it and I came in August something well I came in right before Christmas Eve but then I had to practice some to make sure well when I said some deal in the book said you had to be thorough so I ran back and did it again while I was making sure I was thorough then August I gave it up but I didn't give it up easy and I'm glad because I don't have to go do it again I hope damn God I wish I had that new deal that deal God Chuck Chamberlain, used to be one of the finest guys in Alcoholics Anonymous ever had. He used to come through Dallas saying, what controls you? Codependency. Why didn't I think of that? I could have made a fortune. I wouldn't have to be here. I could just send one of my boys up here. I'm thinking about a new deal. since I've been you know I always get in things late everybody's always got the idea and they start it you know I've had an idea about this never did anything about it and then when they start it then I've got to think of something that won't make near as much but what about say you're codependent on sex not that everyone's been proud of me but some people have and what if you had a quick fix deal like a fast food place wouldn't even have to go to meetings just when you get off work drive through little drive through lay the hands on them and do the deal right on home to get a whole time supper we're smart right we know we're smarter than others right we go to Hazleton tell them how we are they write it down and put it in a book and we buy it because we identify with it. I told my sponsor, I said, are we that sick? Yeah, we're that sick. And the other day when they got to where the only problem you had was your parents were malfunction? Dysfunctional. Can you imagine a normal functioning alcoholic calling somebody dysfunctional? God, I can't believe we did that. I don't know why I can' t believe we did it. Hell, we were the leaders. We jumped out. Alcoholics jumped into it like oh my God, that's it. For God's sake. Wasn't me. God, I couldn't believe we did that. We just did that, just jumped all over it. Al and I would like to die if we came in there. Can't believe that we did that. I don't know what my grandmother would say. She'd say, y'all be ashamed. And when she said it, you'd be ashamed, I'll guarantee you that. I'll tell you one thing, my folks functioned one night I was raised in this little old town In northwest Texas And in Texas they had counties that were dry Which means they don't sell it They don't do anything In fact, where I was raising You couldn't even dance Because you had to hold women In fact if they'd had that deal Where they could mail it They never would have They just never would've done it I was raised in a southern, southern, southern Baptist church. That's the one that prays for the Catholics. Well, they drink, you know. Presbyterians, they knew it was going to happen. Episcopalians, they just got tired of being Catholic. And the Methodists, they just didn't like water I think I'd like to be a Lutheran they believe in doing everything just a little bit and I was raised out in an old church and boy I'll tell you what we went there every time we pounded the preacher we did every living thing you're supposed to do and they'd stand up there and sing those songs and point their finger at you and last stand right back there wasn't like her hey you know hey he said saw Waterland this last night if he lives we'll get him and this much they see that gleam in your eye and they think oh my God he's going to do it if he does it and likes it we lost him they hone in on you finally got to be about 13 which will happen to you if you do what I was doing one day at a time and one day after school I got in the car with this girl we kind of drove out in the country got to mess around a little bit and I got those funny feelings and I told them about it they said we've been meaning to talk to you say I knew that you know we've been praying for you yeah I know you've been praying what you need to do is get saved I said what for I haven't done nothing meet us before the funeral and our service so I met them before the service we got down on our knees and they just prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed they said now when you get when they sing that stanza at last down you get up and you come down there and you get saved so they sang at last and pointed at me of course I come down it's kind of like an ace that didn't give out any chips and they hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are and you know you're not but I like it then they throw you in the tank and hanks your fleek you choke a little but you come out alright went to school next day saw that girl came right back I said well we've got to do it again didn't take they said no you just don't do it well they didn't know I didn't even know how to don't do anything I said how do you don't do it don't think about it. I said, I wonder why I didn't think about that. I thought, well, it's only two o'clock in the afternoon, I'll just go ahead and think about the rest of the day when I get up in the morning and never think about it again. Got up the next day and thought about it more than I ever thought about before in my life. I had no idea that I'm the kind of guy, when I start not to think about it, I'm going to think about it all the time. When I start not to do something, I'm gonna do it all time. I used to try to wake up real quick before I thought about 30 miles away was a town that was wild and wicked and I heard about it had beer joints honky tonks and I didn't know what it was and I I had to go to summer school to get out of high school I don't think I was so dumb I was just always busy you know the guy walked by one day said you're sitting in the car and I spoke to you yesterday you didn't even speak to me and I said I was having a meeting he said there wasn't anybody in there but you I thought well how many do you need so one saturday that's before i knew you could do it during the week we slipped over there 30 miles this town and opened the door of that honky-tonk and my god there's that deacon that i've seen all my life with the warm girl in one hand the cold beer and the other i said by god let's get out of here he'll tell jesus on us and we didn't even get to do it you know if you get caught before you do it she ought to forget this guy said well he can't tell anybody i said hell you got a better shot with jesus than we do however he was happier than i had ever seen him and i liked the girl he's with on saturday night a lot better than what he's worth on sunday morning i saw him every sunday morning i assumed that deacons were just sad now i know hell he is just tired we drank two beers didn't taste good didn't feel good and i was glad to get out there and ben i wanted to go to Sunday school church first time in my life i said i'll bet you that i have noticed that once you get old enough you don't have to go there he was sad like he always was then i had my first spiritual awakening maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody I told my buddy next Saturday we were going back big town, had two joints, went to the other joint didn't see a deacon or new learned how to do everything but committed adultery I'd have done that, but I didn't know much about it and you know how we are think about it all day long, drink a beer and forget it or if we do we don't know whether we did or not I knew how to drink, didn't even know I knew how to drank, you just drink one beer right after learn how to dance Southern Baptist not allowed to dance, fell down the dance floor broke my nose, did it five times after I learned how to do it blacked out waked up the next morning threw up just like I've been doing it for years this guy called said how do you feel I said God I feel horrible he said oh but you had a great time and I said oh well then I I knew how to have a good time just go out and get drunk and black out wake up next morning throw up then you know you had a good time did not know you drank it any other way I see them they were putting fruit in the drinks that I have of course you can't put fruit in there, there's too much acid it's not good for you and now they're putting umbrellas in them I just don't want any rain water to get in there I guess one afternoon I was over there by myself and I wanted to put off drinking as long as I could and I just walked in I walked by this post office and there's a sign out there that said we need you I walked in there and they did they said have you ever been to California and I said no, haven't been but 30 miles away from home we're going tomorrow i said what do i need to do just sign right here went home i'm already having trouble i go with kids places and i can't fit in anywhere and the girl that i wanted somebody else always got her and my folks were saying things like jimmy would never want to do that yeah i did they've already done it once get ready to do it again and the worst thing they'd say is jimny wouldn't be caught dead doing that i said my god wouldn't it be cost be terrible caught dead doing that? Everything they knew I wanted to do, I didn't want to do. And everything they knew I didn' t want to, I wanted. I went back and told them, I said, I'm going to California tomorrow. They said, how are you going to go to California? You don't have any money. I'm going to the Air Force. They're leaving in the morning. Well, my folks did not stop me. And so I went back over there and we went to San Antonio. That outfit operates one day at a time. And they're funny bunch. They get up in the middle of night and make their bed real quick like somebody's coming. Never do it. Then they want to go eat. My God, it's dark. You know, they think it'll make you sick eating that time of day even if you haven't been drunk the night before. Then they were scared because they always walked in groups. And some guy hollered at you all the time. Whoever it was that was running our outfit decided we should make a surprise trip. we should go somewhere where nobody would know we was going so they couldn't tell us or we couldn't tell anybody and nobody would know whoever it was thought we ought to go to China I'm in the Air Force so we go to China by boat I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat there's a lot of Chinese over there they have a few trees and hills and a lot of rice but they mainly just make Chinese they like it and they're good at it and they just didn't do anything else they just love to make Chinese well they lose some but they're making so damn money it doesn't make any difference well after you're over there about three weeks you've seen all the Chinese you'll ever need to see I told them I was ready to come back home we stayed two years and came back by boat my folks said where are you going to school I said hell I'm not going to school hate school wouldn't be caught dead going to go to school couldn't get out of school to which school if you don't have that piece of paper you won't be able to even apply for a job let alone get one every person coming out of that service is going to have that piece of paperwork well I proved my folks wrong I gutted that thing straight through three and a half years and I made sure that I didn't learn one single thing I made sure that every course that I took I was going to pass it before I took it and then it wouldn't benefit a human being whatsoever you know what I like about you and I we'll go to any length even if it destroys us just to be right a lot of people won't do that a lot of people say well I could be wrong about that not you and I the only time you and i'll ever use that statement is when we're damn sure we're right then we might say well i could be wrong about that i was having some minor difficulties with women if you put ten pretty girls up there i'll get the sick one every time i don't know where i learned how to do that I'd see some guys they'd just go with one girl one night one girl next week everything change the girl and all that you're not supposed to do this you're supposed to make sure you've got a pretty girl one that you can take home and show your wife and show you much I got ahead of my story done that too you know but you gotta have a girl that you can take home with you and show your mother and your folks and show your parents and be in love with them, for God's sakes. The only thing that's bad about that is when you're walking around in love with no girl. I loved AA when I got here. I thought this is the greatest place, this is the best place. I have never been to a place like this where they had all the sick women grouped. And I like both kinds. The ones that got sick doing it and the ones that got sick watching him do it. Every place that I got a job, they always wanted me to come to work on Mondays. Monday's my flu day. I don't have flu on Thursday. If I have the flu, it's on Monday. And another thing evidently God wanted us to make sure that we saw to it that all businesses operated properly. And that's hard to do your work and make sure they do it right. Some of those places that fired me are still operating and doing it wrong, which probably means that most of us are too smart to be in business. Finally got out of a job and I couldn't get one. And the way I'd look for jobs, I'd get up every morning and I'd throw up and I'll spray. And then I'd go fill out one of those forms that ask you personal questions like, where have you worked the last 10 years? Well, it's none of their damn business. They want to know where you've lived. I like to move around some. Some of the people where I live like for me to move around some. How are you going to remember all those addresses with a zip code, for God's sakes? And then the rest of blanks, you've got to figure out, wonder what they'd like for my to say. Well, hell, you don't know them very well. That's hard work. Then it takes five minutes for the interview, then you go out and get drunk and just do that one day at a time. I finally saved this one place that I knew they had an opening, I knew I had a buddy there, and I knew I'd get the job. He'd help me get the job. Walked in there and the first thing when he looked at me and the other guy sitting down there, he said, you don't want this job? I said, yeah, I want the job. I got to have a job. I saved it because I knew I needed this job and I knew you were here. You don't want this job. Same thing. Everybody knew what they didn't want. Everything was just the opposite. But I also knew there's something about me he'd like to tell me but he didn't know how to do it. Also knew that he was going to like it better when I left. So I went out and got drunk, waked up the next morning and I said, you know, I've been doing this for about 10 days. I think I'll just take the day off. So I went out to the golf course and ate an old egg and an old piece of toast and went around to the beer joint where my last spiritual advisor worked. He said, God, you look horrible. I said yeah, I think i'm coming down with something. He said my God, the way you're shaking, drink this beer. I said oh, I'm Baptist, we don't drink before noon, that's 1030. He said drink the beer. I drank half of it and sprayed the golf courts with it. I don't mind spraying if I don' t lose my concentration. you start thinking about women or something it gets your nose burns then you've got to drink the rest of the day just to kill the pain and I already knew how to meditate I don't meditate that deeply anymore just wouldn't it be me, God in a commode and you say oh God and it's stringy and you don't, this is after dinner talk and you don't know where the end is and you can't breathe you'll get it back so you don' t know where you're going or coming you know what was amazing even in the hot summertime when you meditate that deeply it's tiring and I'd always lean over there and that bowl was always just as cool I told that guy I said I think I better go home and lie down I really think I'm coming down with something I didn't get to use those vibrators in motels until two years after I was sober because I used to vibrate all by myself and I loved to live with me I was supposed to call on hospitals I'd get up in the morning I'd say God I hate to go out to that big old hospital have a hard time finding the parking place when you do you got to take that kit and go through the lobby down through the basement and you know that person agent he don't buy anything anyway see you don't even have to park you just drive right on by wait till 10.30 and go to the beer joint say didn't buy anything again today I was living in Houston then and I went home and I got my living room and I said you know I think I need to commit suicide then those guys that didn't hire me will worry about it for the rest of their days they'll see in the Houston Chronicle Jimmy Williams commits suicide and they'll never get over it but I didn't know how to do it I see it now on television all the time suicide call that number they've probably got pamphlets on softer easier ways join our group we're losing some but we're gaining all the times I didn' like guns because I don't like noise in the morning and besides that they splatter all over everything razor blades were popular then but the only thing they ever said was cut his wrist with a razor blade what kind of razor blade straight edge or single edge or double edge which wrist, you got two which way do you cut it cross or down nobody had to call well I knew you couldn't do it in the living room you'd get blood all over the carpet now I'm always thinking of others so I went to the bathroom and got my old double A's down and sat down I had cysts up even though I'd never done it before what if I cut the left wrist left side die right side be alive what if my back down half dead and half alive so I just took cut both wrists so I could bleed and die evenly now I'm not too dumb so I'm just sitting there listening to the drip thinking about those guys are going to worry about it for the rest of their days then the phone rang I thought what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was calling that'd be enough to run you crazy so I put a band-aid on the wrist right quick answered the phone it was the police I've never talked to a policeman yet you know they were trained by ministers and I've not I've ever talked to one yet didn't have a personality change you know they'll stop you about three o'clock in the morning say come go along with me I said I'm sorry I can't go I'm just sorry I was supposed to be home at seven o'clock it's three now and I have got to get home I'm almost home right now then they say get out of the car I said by God I'm not going to do it then they really go nuts and you have to pacify them and go along with them this guy said where were you last night I said I was right here and he said no you wasn't I said how do you know and he says we was there then I didn't want to talk to him anymore I'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody I know about where you've been than you do I said well what do you want me to do? And he said, well, you need to come down here. We'll come out there and get you. I said, I'll be right there. And he says, if I were you, I'd pick up an attorney on the way because you're in trouble, brother. I said that'll take me an extra 30 minutes, but wait for me. I'm coming. God, I left to live with me. I could live a week in a half a day. I've had a hell of a day big meeting about the golf course golf golf course, come back, had the meeting committed suicide. And now I've got to do something about the police. It's only 11 o'clock. and i checked up but i said well i've got 36 dollars i'll bet you the lord is trying to tell me to leave houston i've probably been here too long so i just threw all my old stuff in there had a few pills pillows and quilts and stuff and dirty clothes clean clothes had just enough room for me and everything was level had one piece of furniture an old lamp lampshade put it on top guess i was going to carry the light if i could find the plug got me a pint of bourbon just in case mailed to keep the folks that ran the joint and I end up the next morning in Brownwood with $7 and I said wonder how my folks are getting along you know it's amazing when you know the folks it's time to call home so I called them collect so they would know it was me and they said what in the world are you doing in Brownwell and I said, oh, just out riding around. Why don't you come by to have a cup of coffee? Oh, they will. I never shortchanged my folks. They're not going to get their monies back and I always gave them my very finest story. In fact, I got to listen to it and it was so horrible, hell, I cried with them. I thought, my God, if I'd known he was that bad, I'd have left Houston three years earlier. I knew I had to sweat that night out So I went in that bedroom and I walked. I didn't go to bed at all, just walked, walked all night long. And finally at daylight I got out of there and my aunt's sitting there. And I said, Annalee, there's one other thing I left out last night. While I was going through all that hell down there in Houston, I was drinking some. But I just want you to know that I shall never drink again as long as I live. You'll never have to worry about my being underfinanced ever again. My folks look at me like a blank wall. When I got an A about a year, I went back up there. I said do you remember that time? She said which one? she said I think I remember I turned around to John and said what do you think he says he's 33 he'll never live till he's 35 well I don't know where to go I'm rich got 107 might as well take a little vacation I heard that down in the Rio Grande Valley I had helped a guy get a job down there that down there they had palm trees and everything people just loved to go down there I thought I'll just take a Little Run down there went out of Fort Worth stopped at a filling station happened to sell beer I said how far is to Waco give me three and I end up and I'm assuming this guy, when I get to a beautiful place except you know where that is? It's the end. If you haven't found your bottom, it's a good place. Got a little creek. They changed they call it Mexico. They got a little place where they they changed countries. It's a bottom. If you can't get it, if you're having trouble reaching your bottom get out of there. I'll tell you how to go and what to do. Well they put me up in an old hotel that a drunk ran and they made a deal with that old guy and so they didn't let me come to their house and what I would do I stayed there three weeks and rather than ever take my clothes out of the car because I'm leaving every day I'd go up get my short socks every day go down that old elevator go across the street get my shorts go up take a shower and go down there where he worked and I did that for three solid weeks and they hired me they didn't hire me because they wanted me see people that go down they go down from the midwest to get away from the snow and the ice in the winter time or they go down there and have fun they don't go down there looking for jobs so if you're breathing fairly well they'll hire you then there was some guy that's always in my place and i'd have to talk to him to get rid of him to get up into my place now i did that there could be three months for them to hear me and i would just get drunk and not drunk drunk and i worked seven days a week so i knew everything about what i was doing and what i Was doing then i could get up and do my deal i'm still having trouble with women and when you you know when you're in love and then the thing goes to pot then there you are walking around in love with no girl what i need to do being true to one woman is not working what i needs to do is have a number one and a spare and that's hard to do when you're courting drinking you know you'll call around 10 o'clock in the morning say well if you're not doing anything now it'll pick you up about 7 30 might be four or five days before you get by there so i finally got that my weekends were like this i worked monday through saturday noon jumped in the car went to golf course had a heavy lunch like a six packet of cheese cracker was blacked out in bed by 6 30 quarter seven waked up 10 30 quarter 11 dry mouth and all went down to my beer joint it was closed at one o'clock then whoever my best friends were would just drive on over to madam rs and drink a little tequila and till daylight kind of welcome in sunday sometimes we'd have a little way with front chairs and throw it up and sometimes we skip it and drink a little beer Sunday, and sometimes I'd make Monday, and sometimes I miss it. This one particular weekend, I was off on Saturday, traded off with a guy, and I'm up about 11 o'clock on Friday night, blacking out at number one's house. And evidently, you know we're just too honest sometimes for folk. Evidently, I never mentioned number two. And I just merely told her I was going to drop by and see her on the way home, but I wanted to go to the bathroom first. She follows me in there and wants to discuss it right then, and I'm blacking up. Don't remember what happen. I'm living in an old faded green trailer in an alley behind a motel. I had the rock yards a long time before they started putting them in. I'd see the weeds come up and say, you'll never make it. And I've already learned how to wake up in total fright in my own bed, let alone somebody else's or some ditch somewhere. Something goes, wham! God! Laying there asleep, jumped up, looked down, still had my clothes on. I said, oh my God, I bet I was going somewhere early this morning. Looked down that old white shirt and had blood on it. Blood makes me sick, you know. God kept beating on that door and I felt my head had four knots that big. My whole forehead was knots that little blood there. I wrecked my car. I have wrecked my car as a police. I wreck my car can't get out of those trailers one door in the windows like that you can't get out. Open the door my God total fright there's that six foot four two hundred and forty pound Baptist preacher said come go along with me. I said preacher I know I look like I'm ready, but I'm not ready. I don't know where the meeting is, but I can't make it. I cannot make it, I know I look like I'm read, but i'm not read, I'm just read, I can make it! Get in the car! God! People talk to you terribly. I got in the Car and of course I went in total fright, total fright. I said I don' t know where my meeting is. Looked at my car, looked pretty good parked funny, but didn't wreck somebody else's car. Then he started driving, I said Preacher I'm going to have to have a beer. He said I'm sorry, you'll have to wait. I've got to go back in there I've gotta have a Beer. There will be no drinking before the meeting. I said, preacher, listen, I'm not breathing. I'm Not Breathing, Preacher. And he starts driving. He starts driving and says, preacher. Preacher, I'M NOT BREATHING. I'M Not Breathin'. You know Baptist preachers don't give a damn whether you can breathe or not? So we end up driving over to her house. So I assume the meeting's going to be there. My head's killing me. I've got knots. I mean knots. My fart is knots. Four big knots. And I walk in. She did look like she might have fallen in a bush or something. and I waited a little bit and I said I've got to go to the bathroom I went in there and looked in that mirror and I'm going to tell you something she won I'll never know what really happened but what I think happened I lost my equilibrium fell in that bathtub and she stopped two weeks later we got married We'd gotten married in the First Baptist Church, so it'd work. We got married at 10 o'clock in the morning, so there'd be no drinking before the funeral or ceremony. I told her that since she had been married before and I was pure, that it wouldn't be necessary for us to invite a lot of people, but she could invite a few of her close friends. And then at 11 o' clock at night on Friday, I'm off on Saturday, and I'm blacking out, so I start calling my friends. And they said I quit around 3. And she's already at the church and I get to the church, start to cross the yard and here comes my beer distributor golfing buddy coming out of that church and he came in and said, wait a minute, I've got to talk to you. The first place you called me at a quarter to three this morning. And we're not here to see you get married. We're here because we don't believe it. And I'm going to tell you as your best friend, you better get back in that car. The longest bet on your marriage is three weeks. but I showed them I hung it in there for 8 years but my life changed I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace I was always going to quit smoking because it made me gag in the morning so I'd grab those cigarettes and grab that coffee and go in that bathroom lock that door and she'd tell me what I was through that door and I'd have to get upset go make the living get drunk come on tell her what she was we did that one day at a time i finally went back to that preacher and i said preacher this thing is not working he said you know what's wrong with you you're missing the beauty of life i said yeah he said did you know the fruit trees are in bloom i said no he said what you need to do is go home and get in the car and get your wife go up the valley and smell the aroma and look at the blossoms i said yes Went home, opened the door Said get in the car He said what for I said we're going to go look at the blossoms He said the blossoms I said yeah We're missing the whole damn thing Go by and pick up a six pack Start up the valley See a sign Turn left Switch tequila Blacked out Missed the whole dang point lost that job could not find that job could not find a job anywhere finally if there was one other guy that drank just like I did it was this guy when he and I got together we drank and got drunk just like each other and he managed a drug company he called me offered me a job I went down to apply for it we drank beer all day had a boat wreck that night got in the hospital three weeks and I got the job took him about six weeks to ship me to Fort Stockton, Texas now that's west, west, west, western, got little trees out there you can see California on a clear day he says 536 people live there and 36 of them are making a living, I joined the 500 and I'm supposed to stand in a drugstore, hold a pad that's got lines on it and the pharmacy calls out mario myson you right now i couldn't do it i moved it i could not get it down he kept calling out i kept doing that because that's what came in can't get it he said god you look like you're going to fly apart i said any minute he said well take some of these this was just libya which is absolutely nothing understand daddy and both eyes crossed you walk straight there's this little old bitty two-tone green and black and two-toned greens that's all they are nothing to them at all I took two of them waited 15 or 20 seconds nothing happened I'm used to something moving, burning doing something didn't do nothing so I took three more then my knees just go huh I said God I know I have a good weave now I've got to learn new stance y'all really ruined the drug business I used to get them for nothing and it would always tickle me out there in West Texas he'd say Jim if I'm a little short of 10 milligrams 25 would be okay it'd be fine he didn't know we don't go by milligram we just go by size whatever the same size take 5 one 5 the other doesn't matter so I ate Librium at daytime drank beer at night had one decision to make every night after the third beer never before I'd say well I'm going to close the joint or go home early if I was going home early I'd get a pint of bourbon put it on top of that Librium with three beers and go home like you're supposed to go home blacked out my ideal evening was when I blacked out right at the door sometimes I'd be a little early or sometimes I had to have one more shot to black out when I got there good blackout driver never had a wreck blacked down dad drunk driver so I used to hit stuff it wasn't even moving some guy called and offered me a job back in Houston and he just I'd been recommended by a guy who hadn't seen me in 15 years and I got the job, shouldn't have got it me and old what's-her-name had finally developed such a nice sweet deep hate for one another that we were relatively safe because the one that died first won but it was best that we slept at a two-holder deal so we got two bedrooms and we set up battle this was March 1st of 1965 and my new customers never saw me drunk. After I was with them, if I played golf or something with them and had one drink or beer, then I'd go to my place and get drunk and then go home blacked out. And this day, the day before Christmas Eve of 1965, I played golfer with some administrators and their in-laws and we all got a little too hospitable and didn't have time to eat and stuff, being a good guy. And we went by to meet all the in-law's and all their wives and I blacked out, which is nothing new for me. Drove to one side of the Houston, the other blacked out. Did the same thing I've always done at somebody's house. I'd always call back and say, I sure am sorry about last night. Hell, I'm not sorry about that. Last night, I wanted them to tell me what I did. They never tell you. They don't have to make amends. You'll never know. But they got to where the only thing they would tell me, Jim, it's okay. You just got drunk. And a couple of my best friends would say jim we can't have you over the house anymore because you're a drunk well the only drunk that i knew was old ratch who lived where in croil texas where i live and he drank wine and they called him the drunk and i that word they'd call me an alcoholic i might just stay there but they called me a drunk and drunk was a bad word for me oh what's the name of god next door I was getting ready to have a party, and I guess I heard it on the radio. I looked up, well, an alcoholic's anonymous and called in a group, so I must have heard it already. And the gal acted like she was glad I called. I should have known then I had the wrong number. She said, somebody be right out. Well, I waited an hour. Nobody showed up. Looked nice box. Had three beers. It was 10.15. I said, well I'll just call them back and tell them I didn't need them. Forgot who in the hell it was I called About that time the phone rang. The guy said, be right there. Well, before I could tell him I didn'T need him, he hung up. Hell, it's Christmas Eve anyway. and it's 1015 he came by himself because at that time his wife was managing these apartments and he saw me going back and forth from 711 saying if he lives we'll get him so he knew who I was and I looked out the window and there comes an old short guy with a pointed nose with a book under his arm and I said oh my god we're gonna read that book and pray I've not only been baptized I've been rededicated ten times I said I'll just get rid of him Well, he came in there. We didn't pray. I don't know what he said or what I said. And about that time, a watcher named him came back and he said, Do you want to go with me? Well, I didn't, but it's better to stay with her. So I got in the car with him. I said, God, he's not my kind of guy. I'm going off with a perfect stranger. He should have taken my car even though his is better. And he hit that old 610 loop down there, and I said... I'll buy a beer. I don' t want a beer! God, I knew it, I Knew it,I Knew It, IKnew It! I waited about 20 seconds. I said listen, I got bad drunk last night and I gotta have a beer and I got to have it right now. you let me out and I'll walk over there to 7-Eleven or you take me over there I've got to have a beer, I've gotta have it right now he said can you wait till we get to the club oh yeah I can do that I can handle total fright if I got a little light if we don't have any light you can't handle the fright and we drove and drove over kind of a bad neighborhood drove up in front of this old rickety looking house I said this it? He said yeah I thought well when I get some money I'll help these folks walked in there and a bunch of deacons sitting over there talking about webbing the stock market and I found out later on they didn't know anything about either one went back there to the back had an old bar with an old piece of linoleum put on had holes in it and the bartender he didn't look a hell lot better than I did program of attraction you know and this little deacon said mix him up a little milk and honey I said my god what do you put in it I never drank anything like that in my life he said well you see you're nervous I said hell that's what I've been trying to tell you and besides all that you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested I said indigestion is not my problem if you throw up right you don't have indigestion so I drank half of it and it curdled came right back up he said don't worry about it we have plenty thought hell i'm gonna put on a show for these guys one of the smart ones says walk all you want to hell i didn't want to walk at all and you sit there and they just say drinking that sweet sweet stuff and they're looking at you laughing talking got a new animal in here today and they just watch you going back and forth walking finally this guy said well i think we better go home and i said yeah i said let me out a couple blocks before i get the part but i knew i had to slip in there and get in my car and go get some bourbon because beer would not cut that sweet taste he said don't drink anything I'm going to pick you up in an hour and a half I said what for we're going to a meeting I said where right back where we came from I said my God was there all day I said well let me out and I walked and walked and here he come and back over there it's kind of a funny bunch they all got up said a little old prayer can you imagine that alcoholic, saying a little prayer. And then some girl got up and talked two or three hours. It says just 30 minutes. I know by God it wasn't. And they just laughed, laughed, laughs. It wasn't a damn thing funny. Then some guy got up to talk two or four hours. They just laughed. I said, I'm going to tell you something. This is a sick bunch of people. Then they all got up and held hands and said the Lord's Prayer for God's sakes. Everyone, the Holy Spirit moved in there. Everyone of them started talking at the same time. Nobody listened. I said I wonder how in the hell he did that I'm going to keep my eyes open tomorrow night and see what he did they didn't sing any songs lay any hands do any kneeling did nothing just boom they got it 30 minutes later me and the little dick are standing back here in the back nobody's talking to us and I see the deal men and women laughing and talking and holding hands jumping in those cars and taking off I said uh oh after you're here a little while get invited over one of those apartments to have a little drink talk about this damn thing we went night after night after night tonight, nothing happened. Nobody invited us anywhere. It doesn't rain in Houston just falls out. One night it was raining he called said pick you up in 30 minutes I said it's raining. Did you ever go to drink when it was raining? I'll be ready. Then one night oh what's her name had gone back to Valley see if we had any friends there so I just went home and I we've been going to meeting every single night so I this went home pull down all the shades turn out all that, had nothing on the TV set and the old phone just ring, ring, ring, next morning he called and said where were you last night? I said I was right here watching television, enjoyed every minute of it and I may do it again tonight. He said well you missed it. I said what did I miss? He said I don't know. I said wasn't you there? He said yeah but I only heard what I was supposed to hear. We'll never know what it was you're supposed to feel. I thought, my God, you've got to go every night or you'll miss it. We went every night. Three months, I got drunk. Every night, three months, I got drank. Every night three months I got drunken and then I sobered up all by myself and I had a meeting and I decided I'm probably just one of the heavy drinkers. You can't make an alcoholic out of someone who's not an alcoholic and probably the only thing that's really ever been wrong with me I've just been underfinanced and if I can get properly financed I can tell them all to take it and shut it but I already learned first things first I need to go back and officially resign and tell them thank you very much but I'm just not one of y'all the meeting had already started so I thought I'd wait left the meetings over and evidently I had called him about 2.30 one morning while drinking I doubt it very seriously I think they'll tell you any damn thing they want to just to fit the picture and just as soon the meeting's over i'm gonna go resign and here he comes no patience or nothing walks right up to me and said don't you ever call me again i said god i'm glad you said that i never called you in the first place and i'm going to tell you something your best friends will not tell you nobody likes you here we don't get invited anywhere and they don't know me so it's got to be you and i want to tell you another thing i've been running around with you all this time if i had as bad a personality as you do i'd go back to drinking and you'll never have to worry about ever hearing from you look at me now brother because it's the last time you're going to see these eyes this will be the last Time you'll ever hear from me if you're the last son of a bitch on this earth I'll guarantee you I'll never call you ever again and I left and pfft to him and I didn't till the next morning and I called he said meet me at the club and I met him at the club and walked into the club he said get your coffee and sit down and talk to you like a dog here I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous Al-Nan, Al-Teen, Al-Top and Al-Dawg there's absolutely no failure here Never has, never will, impossible to, cannot fail. Just cannot fail, never has been, and there will be a failure here. Never, never, ever, ever. Cannot, it's impossible to fail. Provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tell You to do it. He said, now, if you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make, they'll flounder on the same subject for years. So we're going to give you a decision to make this morning. You're either going to go our way of life or your way of living. So I'm going to give you this decision right now. You're either going to tell me whether you're going to go our way of life or right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, well, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what your goal was. What were you going to do? I said. Do you mean tell me you don't care, the group doesn't care and nobody cares whether I want to or not? He said. Not at all. I said well if you'll make it perfectly clear to the group that I don' t want to it then I'll do it. He said well first of all we've got to get some things straight. If you're thinking it's wrong I said, how much am I thinking wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any good, we'll let you know. I said you put a sign up there on the wall that says think, think, think and he said that's for us. He says now we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do. The things we're gonna give you not to do is gonna change. The things gonna give me to do you'll just add to then it's gonna happen over here. I said I'm gonna tell you something. I've been listening to you and listening to you never listen to me I want you to hear me I just got through listen everything you told me I do not understand he said that that's it and don't you ever forget it there's two things that you must remember for the rest of your days no matter what's going on in your life you do not understanding then you'll have understanding and when you be quit begin to try to not understand and then then you can enjoy it. And the other thing is, no matter what your situation is, it's never the situation. It's never them. It was never her. It never God. It you that must become different. You must become different than you have ever been before. I said, how do I do that? He said, oh, you can't. I say, what the hell are you telling me for then? He says, that's what's going to happen to you. He said, now I'm going to give you the kicker. This is the very one thing that got you here, but it's also the very one thing, that should it not change, will be the very one thing that's going keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children. As long as you know that you know, you'll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do, and begin to know that you don't know, then you'll begin to know. I said, hell, you're crazy. He said, I know. Now the first thing we're going to learn how to do is not drink or take a pill. You know that card that I gave that has my number and four of the men, no women, on mine. When you get squirrely, definitely before you take a drink or failed, no matter what time of day or night it is, call one of those numbers. If you don't make the call, you didn't do it. Make the phone call. And that's where we're going to learn how to not do something. And now this is what we're gonna do every day. First thing in the morning, get down on your knees and say these words and these words only. God, take me today and do with me as you see fit. Let thy will only be done in my life. Help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or mind-changing drug. Amen. do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do God can handle that all by himself and then call before you go to the bathroom I said why before I go to the bathroom you may not need to go I said you mean tell me you don't think I got sense enough to know what I need to go to the bathroom he said we'll find out they don't give you a lot of credit here you know before I got down on my on my knees, I said, God, you and I know he don't know. Hell, he's a Presbyterian. I've been praying to you all my life, but I'm going to do everything this time just like he says so when I get enough this time, I can say, I'm gone. Got down on my knee, said that little prayer, made sure I needed to go to the bathroom. He didn't even ask where I needed go or not. He said, go tothe bathroom and meet me at your club. And I went into his club and he said, now go to work. And I said huh, hate my job. He said what's that got to do with it? I said well I hated it so much yesterday I didn't go to work he said what did you do sit in that chair and think I said it's noon and I went to the A.A. club he said you don't know how to go to work I said how he said go get in the car if you'll write that down we'll catch it then he said later on we'll learn how to do it more but in the beginning besides that prayer every morning when you get in a car invite God into the day I said how do you do that he said you say God I invite you into the today oh put that on the car there we got it then you've got to go to work which i think is wrong for our college we should retire and then go to work at 65 and you have to go to work come back to the club and you come in and sit down and out loud so everybody can hear get your coffee and sit with us don't say anything god i know to get my coffee and sat down then when you're almost comfortable out loud so everybody will know that you haven't got sense to do anything go home now and eat supper and come back to the meeting. Hell, I know to go home each summer and come out of bed and then after the meeting he said, now go home and get on your knees and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God for the today. It's been a miserable damn day. I hate you, I hate God, I hate AA, I ain't her and I'm not going to be a hypocrite. He said, do you feel like when you talk to God you don't mean it? And I said that's right and I am not going to do it. He said that has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's the accident that you're taking that you don' t know you're taken that's going to cause all the things to happen that you had no idea was going to happen. And once you take that action that you don't know you're taking and all these things that are going to have to happen, all the thing that you think are going have to have happen will never need to happen." Hell, I understand that. I said, Do you mean to tell me that God does not care when I pray to Him? It doesn't mean at all? Not a bit. The group doesn't care and you don' t care? Not a minute. I got in my car went home, locked the door, saw what's-her-name number one couldn't get in there. Got down on my knees and said okay by God thank you for a miserable damn day. Did that for about two months and one day I'm driving down. One morning didn't do anything any different this day than any other day. Driving down at about 9.15 right above Memorial Drive at old 610 Lou and this God that I had never known as my friend came into that car with me and stayed with me all that day. I thought, man, my life is going to be like this forever. And about 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I said, I'm going to get me a tent and some tambourines. I'm gonna go save some souls. Old Oral better look out because Jimmy's coming. Hell, I might even let him go along and put up the tent. I knew this was going to make me a leader I get back to the club he's 15 minutes late and he walks through that door I said get your coffee and sit down the badness has taken over they don't like it coming back at him and I got him around that other room where there wasn't anybody with me and I stood up and put him right down there where you could talk to him and I told him that he and he grinned just a little and said, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. He said, some are sicker than others. I said what are you going to do about old Watredame? He said ah, my wife and I we left our marriage just like it was. I want to send you to a guy who's got his all worked out. Sent me to an Episcopalian. You know they don't know. this guy said are you still married I said not really I said we're not sleeping together and haven't for a long time and I said I've been praying for somebody to sleep with and nobody will and there's a girl that I know is perfect for me everything the chemistry's there everything's there been sober almost a month and and my sponsor won't let me go with her he said you know when you got into Alcoholics Anonymous you didn't fit in here and you didn' t fit back out there even though you weren't alone it was kind of a lonesome period I said yeah if you're willing to go through that lonesOME period in every area of your life I'll not only guarantee your relationship with a woman I'll guarantee your relationships with men and women you could never have imagined and I'll give you a bonus on top of that I'll guarentee your relationship with almighty God that you could nev er dream of I said I don't believe that he said isn't that wonderful I said, what do you mean? You don't have to. I said why is that? He says action. I said I've already heard that. He said don't start up anything. We'll practice on her. Now this is what we're going to do. You're never going to tell her what's wrong with her ever again. I said who's going to tell her? He said I don't know but you're not and you're never going to do you're never going to do anything to get children or friends or Al-Anon or anything to work her around to get her to do what you want her to I said never he said never and you're going to pray for her and I said I'm not you pray for I'm no he said yes and remember this prayer because you're gonna use it for the rest of your days and we're gonna begin with her God thy will be done for her as well as for me take our relationship let it become what you wanted to be and show me the truth. I said, I do not want God's will to be done for her as well as for me. He said, remember what you want has nothing to do with it. I started that prayer, started that pray going on and finally things weren't working. I said she, you need to take her to Al-Anon. My wife has been taking her to Al Anon and Al-Alan, I want to tell you something. She found you depressing and the more she went to you, the more we got to know the more he found you depressing. I want you to know that I'm your friend. Call me anytime day or night and keep doing what you're doing. During that time I was doing all that praying, remember, what's going on is never what's going on. That old love-love-sex thing raised up in me and I knew I had it and knew what it was and couldn't get rid of it and I told God every day, told him a spot at least four or five times if I could get a hold of him. And then I finally told the group. One of the girls in the group said, you're not supposed to tell that to the group, so I went over and told another group. and one of them snitched on me you know we don't gossip here we're just concerned and my sponsor said listen usually when you stop acting on any defective character God transforms your mind and removes it that's not happening to you evidently this thing is different whole what's-her-name's not there you go back, lock yourself in that apartment don't you call me we're sick and tired of hearing about it don't call anybody else everybody's sick and tried to hear about that thing you've got we don't want to hear don't see them they never can make up their mind one time I just called them all the time day and night now don't come at all so I went home and locked that door and I prayed all day and I'd cry and cuss about 11, 12 o'clock at night I went to sleep and the next day that thing wasn't there well they were so smart I thought hell I don't think I'll even tell them the fourth night after me we all went out to ice cream got around the table and I said well I guess I might as well tell you all and they said oh we knew it's first night I said why didn't you tell me they said well you need to know that you're going to always be the last to know I said why is that he said we don't know laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter So we got a divorce, and then I married me the real one. I married my a civilian, Sunday school teaching, singing in the choir, Baptist. You can't miss it on that. Yes you can. But I knew it was right so I didn't have to tell my sponsor about it early. She was married and I was married, so we were both pretty safe. we end up getting married and then that after we went through a little period of about 15 16 years and found out we destroyed everything took us while we were easier oh shit I first first wife I had we were better we could destroy it in a couple years took this last one took us longer and now I've got a relationship with the girl that I live with married by the way and it shouldn't work and I knew it wouldn't work and the first time I wasn't going to do it, wasn't going to marry anymore. She's Catholic, I'm Baptist, Baptists don't know it and she's Al-Anon, she's younger than I am and my aunt says, my Sunday school teacher's aunt said most all women are younger than you are. My sponsor said another year should be too old for you and i've had the best five years this last time i've never known what it is to have what god talks about one man in one moment in the freedom and the goodness that we've had god wouldn't you hate to miss it god wouldn't god we didn't miss it God we did everything we could to miss him didn't missing we found it wasn't looking for it and that wonderful those bumper sticker. Did you ever see those bumper stickers? We found it. We got it, but we can't get the bumper stickers. What are you going to do? Tell somebody, have you really found it? Oh yeah, we got it. And if you'll come in and do what they say, God will come in and take over your life and do everything for you. Really? God, that's great. And you say, Not too sure I'm going to do it yet or not. But isn't it something that we wake up and we are brought into the place by God himself, that we find ourselves in a place. Look at Swagger. You think he didn't help us? God, we could have taken my car down there. He took $100,000 Lincoln down there, you can't go down there with my old Mercury, they wouldn't have thought anything about it. in fact i didn't even let him sign my name at the motel i'm going ahead and done it don't just think about it but he proved it god my second wife was into all that and he used to say things like when you come into our place you don't say i'm jimmy an alcoholic when you leave and he left out the one thing that he preaches he preages repent but he left it out he had all the anointing of the Holy Spirit God revealed everything to him from the Bible he had the power that God used through him to heal people and lay hands on people left out the one thing that we've got, and we've got it, and he left it out didn't make any difference what relationship you personally had with God the way of life that God designed was for you and I to do what we're doing admit to God ourselves and what? Another human being. And that's it. And we're doing it. See the difference in us we're different than everybody else. I don't know about them but the difference is us we're done it. Now I'll admit the only reason we're doin' it is because we have to. But what the hell, we're doin' it. But isn't it something to know and be here long enough that you know a few things that's revealed to us by the only person that you can get wisdom from and that's God himself. There's no wisdom from any human being. It has to be from God himself, and he says that. And that's where we get it. And if anybody isn't it amazing that you and I did exactly what we were supposed to do? Every time I got drunk and had a car wrecked. That's what I needed to do. Why? So I could get prepared to do the one thing that Almighty God wanted me to do, that I could become what the Almighty God created me to be. But I had to go get prepared. And we were thorough. But we did and no one can know god without knowing himself insufficient we went out and gave it everything we could give to become sufficient and failed we went to schools we did jobs we did everything where'd we end up in the commode which was where we were supposed to go used to hear the bad guys say remember we're nothing without the lord but they never i never didn't notice them becoming nothing but you and i did we became where the place you've got to go the place you got to know god become living in the experience of helplessness and you and I did that isn't that wonderful we did the deal and isn't it amazing that the thing how come we didn't kill ourselves we did everything to kill ourselves and couldn't why or anybody go along with us because God chose us and depended on us to become who he wanted us to be and depended upon us to do what he needed done and he had us all those years in the palm of his hand probably before he was even born brought us into the place when he said, I'm going to bring you from the darkness into the light. We know what that is, don't we? And I'm gonna bring you into the place and the reason my people don't fit into the world is because they're not supposed to. They're supposed to fit into the kingdom that I create. And here it is. Were you there for me? You bet. Did I know who you were? Did I Know What You Were There For? Not at all. How did I get here? God sent me here. My life was never going to be any different, no matter what happened to me. No matter if I'd have gone, not drank, and gone to ten different denominations and a thousand different churches. My life wasn't going to mean anything until God sent me to be with you and you to be with me. And he said, I will prepare a place for you. And he did. And he's trusted you and I to come in here so that he can use us by transforming our lives into what his image is. And he's using us to do what? So he can send people to us that they can be healed spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. And that's what you and I are doing today. Now how does that happen? Because you and i can do it? Not at all. but you and I can let God do it for us and for them. So we're exactly what God created us to be, and now that power that does all of that in my life and yours, we now live in that power, and it never fails us. When we call one another, when we meet together, that one sweet spirit and one sweet power never fails. just like it is right now and I can feel you loving me and me loving you thank you very much