He Learned to Work With Others by First Learning to Not Be Depressing – Jim W.

Prematurely gray, you know. Raised in a small town where we worried a lot. party get damn you know what time it is I have Tim it's 11 Sunday morning speaker you want to speak this afternoon i'd like to thank uh thank larry and gary and all the other people that know any better for inviting me i knew that they were alcoholic didn't know what they were doing so it didn't you know make you feel too good you know when sick people invite you somewhere you don't have to worry about it too much. She came back. I saw several people leave a while ago, and Amy was one of them, and I thought, God, I want to go too, for God's sake. Wherever it was they were going, I knew I'd like it better. I do thank Amy and John for picking me up at the airport. I have been at the report when they didn't pick me up, and you knew they were really disappointed they'd invited me but God the weather y'all have for God's sake I thought Arizona was sunny and hot glad I brought a sweater I don't have any heavier clothes than that for this climate I mentioned something and Larry says oh well we're just glad it didn't snow I don't know what that stuff was out there this year I guess that's firm rain I guess what that is and of course the lights went out last night we all here so i thought well my wife always says when things like that happen god is just showing off but i am jim williams now i'm an alcoholic i'm glad we all came to the midnight meeting i think what happened y'all the reason you got on this bad time was because california's one that screws it up you know that's true isn't it yes anything happens bad California started it having fun couldn't see a few people I got a few people I know here too I'm not you know you're not the only one San Diego little fun Fort Worth girls here. Of course, she's not there living there anymore, but she got as much as she could handle and then had to leave. But God, what do you think about that new deal? Well, it's not the new news. It's kind of new. That deal where, oh, when you can't do without it, you know, like sex all the time, you got to have it or what do call it? Codependency. God, I wish I'd have thought of that. Isn't that something, ma'am? God! I remember old Chuck Chamberlain out here years ago used to say, you know, what controls you? Cодependency, for God's sake. Why didn't we think of that? Damn! You and Wouldn't either one need to be here. We could send one of our boys to come. Here we are, brilliant son of a bitches, right? We're smart. We go to Hazleton's, tell them how we are. They write it down and sell it to us because we identify with it. I told my sponsor, I said, are we that sick? He said, yeah, we're that sick. And that other deal that came along. Well, everything's coming along now. That ACCA, what do you call it, malfunction parents? dysfunctional can you imagine an alcoholic calling somebody dysfunctional ain't trick us into any damn thing we'll just go right along especially if it's not good for us gosh I couldn't believe we fell we'd fall for anything we'd just fall for it I said what is it all about somebody said help me I said yeah how do you feel oh terrible but I'm sure it didn't help me I thought God yeah hell yes God we just love it especially if we can get sicker see you can get sicker sober than you did when you were drinking because you're full time I don't know how dysfunctional my family was but they functioned well one night in Texas we had 254 counties and they vote whether they're wet dry or whatever and when they're dry that means they don't do nothing you can't drink you can buy it you can do anything with it in fact I've raised in one of those counties and that little old bitty town and had a guy standing up there like me said if you think it you might as well done it hell i knew i was thinking before i even knew what it was but i knew I must be thinking it you know god they they didn't even they wouldn't even have children if they could have helped it you wouldn't let you dance them southern southern southern real bad see they're the real Baptists they're not they're just the ones that pray for the Catholics well they drink you know Episcopalians they just got tired of being Catholic Presbyterians they knew it was going to happen and the Methodists they just didn't like water I think I'd like to have been a Lutheran they believe in doing everything just a little bit. I was raised in this little Baptist church, this little dry county and dry town. I finally got to go into school like everybody else did and I got to be about 13 which will happen to you if you do what I was doing one day at a time. And I got in the car one afternoon with this girl and we got to play around a and I got those funny feelings and I told them about it they said well we've been meaning to talk to you say I knew the head you know we've been praying for you oh hell yes I knew that what you need do is get saved I said what from haven't done nothing they said you meet us before the funeral under the service and I met him and we got back in that room they just prayed prayed prayed prayed pray and then they said now when they got through praying they said Now you go up there, when they sing that last stanza, you come down that aisle and you get saved. And I came down that aisles, throat hurt and scared to death. They all hugged and kissed me just like an egg except didn't give out any chips. Then they throw you in a tank and hatch your flakes and choke a little bit, but hell, you come out all right. Next day, went to school, saw that girl, came right back. I said well we're going to have to do it again it didn't take they said no you just don't do it well they didn't know I didn't how to don't do anything I didn' t know I didn''t know how to not do anything I didn ''t know that they could just say don't do that they wouldn't do it anymore I said well how do you don't do it don't think about it I said I wonder why I didn t think about that i thought well it's only two o'clock after you know let's go ahead and think about the rest of the day when i get up tomorrow i'll never think about it again got up next day thought about it more than ever thought about before in my life i had no idea that i'm the kind of guy when i start not to do something i'm gonna do it all the time but when i started not to think about it that's all i'm going to think of that i used to try to wake up real quick before i thought about Finally got out of high school. I had to go to summer school to get out of high school, I don't think I was so dumb, I was just busy. It was like the guy said, he was sitting down in the car yesterday at school and I walked by and spoke to him, he didn't even speak to me. I thought I was having a meeting. He said there wasn't anybody in there, but Jesus. I thought, well, how many do you need? 30 miles away was a little old town that was wild and wicked, and I heard about it. They had beer joint honky-tonks, what they called them, and I wanted to go over there. So one Saturday, that's before I knew you could do it during the week, I told this buddy, I said, let's go over There and find out what that's all about. So we slipped over there, opened the door of that honky tonk. My God, there was that deacon with a warm girl in one hand and a cold beer in the other. I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us. And we didn't even get to Dutch. You know, if you get caught before you do it, you ought to forget it. He said, well, hell, he can't tell anybody. I say, well you got a better shot with Jesus than you and I do. However, he was happier than I'd ever seen him. And I like the girl he's with on Saturday night a lot better than the one he's with on Sunday morning. I'd see him every Sunday morning and I would assume he never laughed, and I thought hell Deacons are just sad. Now I know hell he is just tired. We drank two beers didn't taste good didn't feel good I was glad to get out of there. Next morning, I went to Sunday school and church. First time I wanted to go in my life, I thought, I'll bet you that I haven't noticed. I'll bet you when you get old enough, you don't have to go. I bet you that he doesn't even go anymore. There he was, sad like he always was. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. God, I couldn't wait to get back next Saturday. went back over there had his big town had two joints with the other joint did not see a deacon under you i'd have committed adultery but i didn't know much about it and you know how we are think about it all day long drink a beer and forget it or if we do then we don't remember what we did or not i didn'T even know i knew how to drink you just drink one beer right after the other and just don't stop and you get feeling it's good can't feel at all learned how to dance Southern Badgers not allowed to dance fell down the dance floor and broke my nose did it five times after I learned how to do it blacked out wakes up next morning threw up just like I knew what I was doing this guy called said how do you feel I said God feel horrible he said oh but you had a great time I said oh well then I knew how to have a good time. Just go out and get drunk, black out, wake up next morning, throw up, then you know you had a good time. Did not know you drank it any other way. I thought people didn't drink like I drink, didn't drink. Hell, they're even putting umbrellas in them now. Guess they don't need rainwater to get in there. They were already putting fruit in drinks when I quit drinking, but not mine. Too much ash is not good for you. One Saturday afternoon I was over there by myself. It was about 2 o'clock, 3 o' clock and I was walking walking as long as I could because I wanted to put off getting drunk as long as I couldn't. And I walked by this post office and this sign out there said we need you. I walked in there and they did. They said have you ever been to California? And I said no I haven't been but 30 miles away from home. He said we're going tomorrow. I said gosh let me go. Okay just sign right here and I went home and called my folks, I'm already having trouble. I'm not fitting in. People are not loving me enough. Always get the wrong girl. I don't get the girl that I was supposed to get. The other guy got the girl. And I'd go to these kids' places I didn't want to go just so I'd fit in, and they still didn't fit in. And my folks would say things like, Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did too. Already done it once. Getting ready to do it again. They'd say, Jimmy wouldn't be caught dead. That was their favorite phrase. Wouldn't be caught dead doing that. My God, wouldn't you hate to be called dead doing that? And they'd always say, Jimmy wants to do that. I never wanted to do what they thought I wanted to do and I never even thought I wouldn't be caught dead when I wanted to. I went home, I told them, I said, I'm going to California tomorrow. They said, how are you going to California? You don't have any money. I'm joining the Air Force. We're leaving in the morning. Well, they look at me funny but they're already looking at me pretty funny. So I go over there and went to San Antonio. that bunch operates one day at a time and they were a funny bunch they got up in the middle of night made their bed real quick like somebody's coming never did then they want to go eat my god it's the middle of the night for god's sake wouldn't make you sick eating that time of day even if you hadn't been drunk whoever it was and there was there's something else wrong too they had a lot of fears because they always walked in groups. Whoever it was running our outfit decided we ought to go to China. He didn't tell us that's where he was going. He said, We're going to take you all on a surprise trip. We're not going to tell you so you can't tell anybody, and nobody will know where you're going, which I thought was interesting. Well, whoever it was decided we all had to go. We ought to Go to China? I'm in the Air Force, so we go to china by boat. I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat. There's a lot of Chinese over there. They have a few mountains and trees and a little rice, but they mainly just make Chinese. like it and they're good at it and then I just didn't do anything else. They lose some but they make it to damn many that doesn't make any difference. Well after you over there about three weeks you've seen all the Chinese you'll ever need to see. So I told them I was ready to come back home and we stayed two years and we came back by boat. My folks said, where are you going to school? I said, hell, I'm not going to school. Wouldn't be caught dead going to school. Hate school. Like never got out of school to which school? They said, if you don't have that piece of paper, you won't even be able to apply for a job, let alone get one. Every person coming out of that service is going to have that piece of paper. Well, I proved my folks wrong. I gutted that thing straight through three and a half years, made sure that I didn't learn one single thing. I made sure that every course I took, I was going to pass it before I took it and it wouldn't benefit a human being whatsoever. You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length even if it destroys us just to be right. A lot of people won't do it. Some people will say, well I could be wrong about that. Not you and I. The only time you and I will ever use that statement is when we're damn sure we're right. Then we might say, Well, I could've been wrong about this. Having some minor difficulties with women if you put 10 pretty girls up there i'll get the sick one every time i don't know where i learned how to do this i'd see some guys they just go one girl one week one girl next day and then say it didn't make any difference now you can't do that you got to make sure you got a pretty girl once you take home and show your folks and be in love with for god's sake you can't just go with any girl the only thing wrong with that is when you're like me walking around in love with no girl. I thought, when I got there, I thought this is the greatest place I have ever been in my life. First time I'd ever been where they had this sick women group. And I like both kinds. I like the ones who got sick doing it and the ones who got sickness watching him do it. evidently god thought that you and i should be the one to make sure that all business operated properly that's hard work because a lot of them are not running right and it's hard it took me a long time to notice that i was the only one that was always leaving some of those businesses that fired me are still operating doing it wrong which probably means that most of us are too smart to be in business. Well, I finally couldn't get a job. And the way I'd look for jobs, I'd get up every morning, I'd throw up and I'd spray. And then I'd go fill out one of those forms which ask you, where have you worked the last 10 years? Let's know their damn business. They want to know where you've lived. I like to move around some. Some of the people where I live like for me to move around. How are you going to remember all those addresses? And then I just do that and go out and get drunk and just do that one day at a time. The rest of that form, of course, hell, the rest of those blanks you've got to figure out, which is hard work. What do they want me to say? You don't even know them. So I did that and I saved this one place that I knew that had an opening, I knew I qualified for the job, and I had a buddy there that I new had helped me get it. walked in there and the moment he saw me with that other guy he said you don't want this job i said yeah damn it i want the job i gotta have the job no you know everybody knew what i didn't want everybody knew where i wanted there's always the opposite also knew there's something about me he'd like to tell me but he didn't know how to do it also knew that he's going to like it better when i left so i just went out and got drunk wake up the next morning god just went in and took a shower and sprayed and i said threw up and i says you know i've been doing this about 10 days i think. I'll just take the day off. So I went out to the golf course and there ain't no leg, no piece of toast went around the beer joint where my last spiritual advisor worked. And he said, my God, you look terrible. Drink this beer. And I said, oh, I'm Baptist. We never drink before noon. That's 1030. He said, drink the beer. So, I drank half the beer and sprayed the golf court with it. I don't mind spraying if I don' t lose my concentration. You start thing about women or something, it gets your nose burned. Then you got to drink the rest of the day just to kill the pain. And I knew how to meditate before I got here. I don't meditate that deeply anymore. It's just when me, God in a commode and you say, oh God, and it's stringy. it's really an after dinner talk and you don't know whether in this and you can't breathe hell you get it all back so you don'T know whether you're staying or going I told that guy I said I think I better go home I think I'm really coming down with something i was supposed to call on hospitals i'd get in the car one morning and i'd say god i hate to go that big old hospital have a hard time finding a parking place and then you got to get that kit go through the lobby and wind down through the base but you know that person you engage it he's not going to buy anything anyway see you don't even have to park just drive right on by wait till 10 30 goes to beer joint say didn't buy anything again today well i went home and i got in the living room and I decided, I was living in Houston then, I decided that those guys, if I would commit suicide, those guys that didn't hire me would worry about it for the rest of their days. They'd see in the Houston Chronicle Jimmy Williams commit suicide and they'll never get over it. But I didn't know how to do it. I see it now on television all the time. Suicide, call that number. I bet they got pamphlets and groups join our group we're losing some but we're gaining all the time I didn't like guns because they splatter and they make a lot of noise I don't like noise in the morning razor blades were popular then but I didn' t know how to do it all it ever said in the paper Cut his wrist with a razor blade. Which one? Got two. Which way do you cut it? Cut it across, you cut it up. What kind of blade do you use? Straight edge? Double edge? There's nobody to call. I knew you couldn't do it in the living room. You'd get blood all over the carpet. And you know I'm always thinking of others. So I went to the bathroom, got my old double edged razor and sat down on the throne had sense enough to know what if you just cut your left wrist? Left side would die. Right side would be alive. What if you backed out half dead and half alive? I thought if I cut both wrists then I could bleed and die evenly. So I cut my left wrist and I'm just sitting there listening to the drip thinking about those guys are going to worry about it for the rest of their day. And the phone rang. I thought, what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was called So I put a band-aid on my wrist right quick Answered the phone It was the police You know, police have been trained by ministers They'll stop you about 3 o'clock in the morning and say, come go along with me I said, my God, man, I can't make it. I'm supposed to be home at 7 o'clock. It's 3 now. I have got to go home. Never talked to one yet. Did that personality change? Then they say, get out of the car. I say, by God, I'm not going to do it. Then they really go nuts. They have to pacify them and go along with them. This guy said, where were you last night? I said I was right here. And he said, no, you weren't. I said how do you know? And he says we was there. Then I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody no longer about where you've been than you do. I said, well, what do you want me to do? He said, Well, you can either come down here or we'll come out there and get you. I said I'll be right there. And he said if I were you, I'd pick up an attorney on the way because you're in trouble, brother. And I said that'll take me an extra 30 minutes but wait for me. I'm coming. God, I love to live with me. I could live a week and a half a day. I've had a hell of a day God, I've been off the golf course, threw up all over the golfcourse. I already had an emergency meeting, committed suicide. Now I've got to call another meeting and hell, it's only 11 o'clock. I decided, you know, maybe the Lord is telling me to leave Houston. Maybe I've done it wrong. Maybe I haven't been here long enough. Maybe I'm just not getting the message. And after all, that guy didn't tell me what he wanted. I think I'll just leave. So I mailed the keys of the folks. Didn't have any furniture. Had some old quilts and blanket stuff. Just level it all dirty clothes clean clothes just room in the car for me as level had one piece of birch No lamp and lampshade. I put it on top. I guess that's gonna carry the light if I could find the plug Drove off got me a pint of bourbon And just in case needed it throw a throat or something and Wake up the next morning about 150 miles away in a little town called Brownwood was $7. I'd had 36 when it started out, which at that time was plenty to start a new career. I thought, I wonder how my folks are getting along. It's amazing when you know it's time to call home. And when you get down to seven bucks, it's the time to call home. So I called them collect so they'd know it was me. and they said what are you doing in brownwood i said oh just out riding around well they live in fort worth won't you just come by and have a cup of coffee i thought i believe will never shortchange my folks i always gave them my very finest story because they're not going to get their money back. In fact, I got to listening to it and hell, I had no idea how bad it was. I even cried with them. I thought, God, if I'd known it was that bad, I'd left Houston three years earlier. Old John said, well, Jimmy's honest. Let him have a hundred. God, you know, now with 107, I can almost go into business. I knew I had to sweat that night out. So I sweated out, did not sleep one wink. Just sat in that bedroom and walked and swalked and made it. And if I could just get out of there. And I got up the next morning, my aunt was already up, and I said, there's one little thing, Annalee, I left out last night. While I was having all that trouble down there in Houston, I was drinking some. But I decided last night that I shall never drink again as long as I live. You'll never have to worry about my being underfinanced ever again. In fact, you just won't have to worried about me anymore. they're still looking at me the same way like so i get in the car and drive off and i when i got there i went back up there i said do you remember that time she said which one then she finally said well i think i remember i turned around to john and said what do you think and he said he's 35 he'll he's 33 he'll never live till he's 35 we thought when you'd leave it was probably the last time we'd be in a car wreck or we'd never see you again well i'm i've got i'm rich Where am I going to go? Got all my clothes with me. I had helped a guy get a job down in the Rio Grande Valley. You know where that is in Texas? It's the end. Yellow Creek, changed countries. That's right. The bottom. If you haven't reached your bottom, it's a good place to find it. Runs out of, you know, this country runs out. And so I got down there and I assumed this guy. I'd heard about palm trees. It was going to be a great place to go. And I heard, so I got right out of Fort Worth. I stopped at Philly Station, happened to sell beer, and I said, how far is Waco? And they said, 79 miles. I said let me have three. Well when I drove down there, rather than him inviting me to his house, which I thought he should do, he put me up in an old hotel that was a drunk brand, and I stayed there for three weeks. Never took my clothes out of the car. Get up every morning, go across the street, that old elevator, down the old elevator across the Street, get my short sock shirt, go back up there and take a shower and went down there where he worked and did that for three weeks and they hired me not because they don't hire you in the valley because they like you or they need you it's because nobody comes down there looking for jobs they go down there snow dodging during the week during the winter or they just go down they're playing you don't go to the valley looking for a job but they hired be and usually when I'd get a new job I could just get drunk and not drunk drunk and i'd work seven days a week till i'd get up in my place sometimes they had somebody in my play that had to find some of it because they don't know it till you explain it to them over and over and i did that and that worked out there took me three months to get in my place finally let that guy go he needed to go anywhere somewhere else anyway and they just didn't know him and then i thought you know you've been spending all this time being true to one woman. And you have to spend that awkward time between finding a new one when they deteriorate. What you need to do is probably have a number one and a spare. And it's hard to do that. You know, if you start courting, you say, call them about 10 o'clock in the morning and say, if they're not doing anything, I'll pick you up about 730. Might be four or five days before you get by there. It's just hard to get acquainted when you're drinking. and my weekends were like this i'd get off i worked monday through saturday noon jump in the car go to the golf course have a heavy lunch like a six packet of cheese cracker get drunk black out be home in bed by 6 30 quarter seven 10 30 quarter 11 wake up go down to my beer joint close it one o'clock then drive on over to madame morris and whoever my best friends were we'd all go together spend the rest of the evening when daylight came with eat a little waivers from charis and throw it up or sometimes we skipped it drink a little beer drink a whole beer and taper off into monday and sometimes i made it and sometimes i missed it well i was over at number one's house and i was going to trade off with a guy on saturday so i could be off and i'm up on friday night blacking out and sometimes you you know we're just too honest for folks evidently i never mentioned number two so around 11 o'clock i said i think i'm going to go by and see her and i don't watch yet i just i just had i neglected to tell her i guess and so i said but i want to go to the bathroom when she follows me in there cannot wait to discuss it and that's a bad you know they put in carpets and you know why they put in carpet and bathtubs bathrooms because we're having meetings in there you need to stay out there where you got carpets and beds and couches. Don't go in there where they got commodes and bathtubs and sinks. They're hard, hard surfaces in there. There's no place to have a meeting. And I don't remember all of what happened. I was living in a beautiful place, an old faded green trailer in an alley behind the motel. I had the rock yards a long time before they started putting them in. I'd see those old weeds coming up there between those rocks i said you'll never make it i've already learned to wake up in total fright in my own bed let alone somebody else's or some other place and i'm just laying there asleep something goes wham god i jumped up looked down still have my clothes on this oh my god i bet i was going somewhere early this morning look down an old white shirt and had blood on that blood makes me sick you know god i felt in my head had four knots that big my forehead was not i said i wrecked my car i wreckged my car that's what it is i wreck my car and that's the police and those trailers got one door and the windows are like that you cannot get out the other side and they kept beating on that door god my head's killing me to open the door and it's not the police. It's the preacher. Six-foot-four, 240-pound Baptist preacher said, come go along with me. I said, preacher, I know I look like I'm ready, but I'm not ready. I don't know where the meeting is, but i can't make it. I cannot make it out. Preacher, I can. I know what the deal is, but you got to do it without me this morning. I can not make it! I am glad that I have got to have a beer. I gotta have a bear right down. He said, there'll be no drinking before the meeting. got I said well preacher I just can't go he said get in the car God got in the car and I looked out my car was parked funny but it looked okay I thought I probably wrecked somebody else's car so he started to draw off and I said preacher preacher I've got to have a beer I'm not breathing I'm Not Breathing Preacher Preacher I am not breathing I'm NOT going to make it I'm not going to make it, preacher. You're going to have to stop this damn car and I've got to have a big head right now. Do you know Baptist preachers do not give a damn whether you can breathe or not? Grow up in front of her house so I assume the meeting's going to be there. Head is killing me. My head is... I'm in bad shape. If I hadn't had a record, it looked like it. Walked in there and she didn't look like she might have fallen in a bush or something. I said, well, I've gotta go to the bathroom and I went there and looked in that mirror and I'm going to tell you something she won I'll never know the truth what I think really happened I lost my equilibrium fell in that bathtub and she stepped on me two weeks later we got married We got married at First Baptist Church, so it worked. We got marry at 10 o'clock in the morning so there'd be no drinking before the ceremony. I told her that since she had been married before and I was pure, that we didn't have a big deal. We shouldn't have a big, just she could invite a few of her close friends. so i didn't do anything and i'm going to be off on saturday again and i left at 11 o'clock friday night blacking out so i start calling my friends they say until three o' clock it probably wasn't but they tell you stuff and when i got to the church by myself she's already there my best friend golfer beer distributor buddy came out of that church and said wait a minute i've got to tell you something you called me at a quarter of three this morning I'm gonna tell you something all of your friends are here we're not here to see you get married we're here because we don't believe it he said I'm going to tell you as your best friend you better think about what you're doing you better get back that car leave the longest bet on your marriage is three weeks but I I showed them. I hung it in there for eight years, but my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace. I was always going to quit smoking because it made me gag good morning. So I'd grab that coffin, grab those cigarettes, go in that bathroom, lock that door, and she'd tell me what I was through that door. Then I'd have to get upset go make the living get drunk come on tell her what she was we did that one day at a time finally went back to that preacher and I said preacher this thing is not working he said you know what's wrong with you you're missing the beauty of life I said yeah did you know the fruit trees are in bloom I said no she said what you need to do is get in the car and Go get your wife and drive up the valley and smell the aroma and look at the blossoms. I said, yeah. Got in the car, went over to open the door and said, get in the car! She said, what for? I said we're going to go look at the blossoms! She said the blossoms! I said yeah, we're missing the whole damn thing. Went by, got a six-pack, started up the valley, saw a sign, 14 miles to Matamoros, turned left, went to Matomoros switched to tequila, blacked out, missed the whole damn thing. Lost that job, could not get a job, went all over the country and a guy after two or three months trying to find a job this guy if there was another drunk that drank like I did it him when he and i drank together we were identical the way we drank and he managed a drug company and he said why don't you go to work with me i'd say well okay how am i going to apply well meet me down at the cafe you don't have to come to the office had a beer for breakfast went down to padre island had another beer went on a boat trip that night with a couple of girls from kansas that i would just try to be nice to we ran into a piling and all had it we had a wreck and they went to the hospital and stayed three weeks. Now I got out and got the job. Didn't even have to fill out the damn form. Took him about two months to ship me to Fort Stockton, Texas. That's west-west Texas. Little trees out there about like that. You can see California on a clear day. there's 536 people lived there and 36 of them were making a living i joined the 500 i'm supposed to stand in the drugstore to hold this pad got lines on it you're supposed to put this this pharmacist is calling stuff off like areo myosin knowledge you're just supposed to write it in those little lines hell you can't do it moving you cannot do it he kept called it off I kept trying to put it in he said God you look like you're going to fly apart I said any minute he said well take some of these this was before Valium understand Valium both eyes crossed and you walk straight this was just Librium which is absolutely nothing little old bitty two tone green two tone green and black hell there's nothing to it they're little old bitty things I took two of them waited 15 or 20 seconds nothing burned moved or nothing so hell i took three more and my knees just go huh i said god i know how to weave now i've got to learn new stance i took a little bit of daytime and beer at night only had one decision to make every night after the third beer never before am i going to close the joint or go home early if i'm going home early i'd go get a pint of bourbon and put it on top of those three beers nut libyum and go home like you're supposed to go home blackout my ideal evening is when i blacked out right at the door sometimes i did it early and sometimes i had to have one more drink to completed but I was a blackout wrecker good blackout driver good never had a direct never had erect black that sometimes I'd drive before I blacked out and that was the danger part because I drove at different speeds on the carton why my truck stages were and you never know which one sometimes I could hit things they weren't even moving some guy recommended me for job hadn't seen me in years and I went back to Houston of March the 1st in 1965 and me and old what's-her-name set up battle however we had finally developed such a nice sweet deep hate for one another they were really relatively safe because the one that died first won so we but it was best we slept in separate bedrooms so we got us a little two-holder deal and we set up battle and my new customers never saw me drunk i'd always leave them and go to my joint and then get drunk black out and go home the day before christmas eve 1965 these administrators and their in-laws we all played golf and i got a little too hospitable and i was blacking out when we kind of finished it we had to go over and meet all the and I went over there and blacked out and drove from one side of Houston the other blacked up that's nothing new for me was nothing new and I got next morning did the same thing I've always done when I'm at somebody's house I'd always call them back and they'd say I sure am sorry about last night I'm not sorry about last night. I want them to tell me what I did and they never tell you they just said it was okay jim you just got drunk drunk was getting to be a bad bad word with me it reminded me of the town drunk the guy in crowell texas that little old town one guy old brach they said was the drunk and they talked about how sorry he was and he was the drug nobody ever called me an alcoholic i'll call it for a nice name in it yeah people say that you know they say I'm an old drunk no I'm an alcoholic and so I guess I heard it on the radio I got up that morning I watched the names gone next door that was what's the name number one by the way gone next to it getting ready to have a Christmas Eve party and I looked I guess heard it on radio I looked under Alcoholics Anonymous and called in a group after I'd called those folks and this girl acted like she's glad I called i should have known then i had the wrong number said somebody be right out well hell i waited an hour 10 15 looked in the icebox had three beers i said i'll just call them tell they don't need them hell it's christmas eve anyway and whatever they do we i didn't know what they did anyway so what difference to make about that time the phone rang the guy said be right there well hell before i could tell him i didn' t need him he hung up he came by himself because his wife had managed these apartments where we lived at the time and then moved to another place. But he used to watch me going back from the 7-Eleven saying, if he lives, we'll get him. So he came by himself because he knew who I was. And I look out that window and there's that little short guy with a pointed nose and a book under his arm. I said, oh my God, we're going to read that book and pray. I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated 10 times. I said, I'll just get rid of him. He came in. I don't remember what he said or what I said. We didn't read the book. We didn'y pray. And about that time, a watcher named came back in. He said, do you want to go with me? Well, I didn't, but it's better to stay with her. So I got in the car with him and we hit that freeway and I thought, God, I've gone off with a perfect stranger. Should have taken my car even though his was better. I said I'll buy a beer. I don'y want a beer I thought God, I've done it, I'm done it. I said I'm going to tell you something. I have got to have a beer I've got to have one right now he said let me off on top of the freeway and I'll go over there and get a beer or you take me over to that 7-Eleven right now I have got to have a beer besides that it's 11-20 he said can you wait till we get to the club oh yeah I can do that I can handle total fright if I got a little light when you have no light you can't handle the fright and we drove kind of a bad neighborhood drove up in front of this old rickety looking house and i said this it he said yeah i said well when they get i'll get some money i'll help these folks walked in there and a bunch of deacons sitting over there talking about women in the stock market and i found out later on they didn't know anything about either one went back there in the back and they had a old piece of linoleum had holes in it over the box and the bartender he didn't look a hell lot better than i did it's a program of attraction you know and that little deacon said mix him up a little milk and honey i said my god what do you put in it i never drank anything like that in my life he said well you see you're nervous i said hell that's what i've been trying to tell you and besides all that you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested i said indigestion is not my problem Well, if you're full upright, you don't have indigestion. So I drank part of it and it curdled and came right back up. He said, Don't worry about it. We have plenty. I thought, Hell, I'm going to put on a show for these guys. One guy said, Walk all you want to. Hell, didn't want to walk at all. just sat there and laughed and talked. Got a new animal in here today. Walked back for us by drinking that sweet, sweet. Hadn't had a piece of chocolate pie in 10 years. That's sweet, thick, thick sweet. I'm gonna taste it now. God about four o'clock he said well I guess we better go home. I said yeah let me out a couple of blocks before I get the apartment. I knew I had to slip in there and get my car and go get some bourbon because beer would not cut that sweet taste. he said don't drink anything i'm going to pick you up in an hour and a half i said what far we're going to a meeting i said where back where we came from said my god was there all day i said well let me out so i walked and walked and here he comes and back over there we go it's kind of a funny bunch. I saw a few of them kind of hugging and kissing and laughing. The rest of them didn't act like they was too damn happy to be there either. They got up there and said a little old prayer. I'll call it, say a little ol' prayer. And then some girl got up and talked two or three hours. And they just laughed one damn thing funny. Then they got some guy calling two or two hours. It says 30 minutes but I know damn well it It wasn't hell as long as that. They were just laughing. I'm going to tell you something. This is a sick bunch of people. Then they all got up and held hands and said the Lord's Prayer for God's sakes. Then, boom! Holy Spirit moved in there and everyone of them just got talking at the same time and nobody listened. I said, I wonder how in the hell he did that. They didn't sing any songs, lay any hands, do any kneeling or nothing. I said I'm gonna keep my eyes open tomorrow night and see what he did. me and the deacon are sitting back standing back there in the back and i see the deal men and women getting together holding hands laughing jumping in those cars and take it i said oh after you hear a little while get invited over some of those apartments and have a little drink talk about this damn thing we went night after night after tonight nobody invited us anywhere it doesn't rain in Houston it just falls out one night it was boom he said I'll pick you up in 30 minutes I said it's raining did you ever go get a drink when it's rainy I'd be ready and then I was trying to figure out what the hell they were doing one weekend now we're going every night every night we're going every night and people say just let me have him for 30 days I like to get him for 90 this other Sunday and I've already said they're not either one's gonna get a hold of me oh what's her name number one had decided she ought to go back to the valley see if we had any friends left so that weekend I went home and I just locked the door pulled out all the shades turned off the lights an old phone just ring ring ring let it ring next morning he called said where were you last night i said i was right here watching television and enjoyed every damn minute of it and i may do it again tonight he said well you missed it i said what did i miss he said i don't know i said wasn't you there he said yeah but i only heard what i was supposed to hear we'll never know what it was you're supposed to here I thought, my God, you've got to go every night or you'll miss it. Went every night, three months, got drunk. Every night, two months, three years. Three months, four months, five years. Three months got drunk, every night three months got drank, and it's getting warm in here. And the next, after a third drunk, I sobered up all by myself. And I said, hell, you know what? I have already heard that even though you are, some people are just heavy drinkers. And a heavy drinker is just not alcoholic. I am probably not alcoholic The only thing that's really wrong with me is I've just always been underfinanced. And if I can get properly financed, then I can tell them all to shove it. First things first, though, I need to go back and officially resign and say thank you very much. I've enjoyed it, but I'm just not one of y'all. And I appreciate everything you've done. I'm gone. The meeting had already started. Evidently, I'd called him about two in the morning one night while drinking. I doubt that very seriously. They'll tell you any damn thing, you know, whatever fits the situation. Well, the meeting had уже started. I said, well, it won't hurt me to sit through this when I sit through it. And here he comes at the meeting and I'm going to go resign and tell him thank you very much. And he says, don't you ever call me again. i said god i'm glad you said that i never called you in the first place they called you and i'm going to tell you something that your best friends will not tell you nobody likes you here we don't get invited anywhere and they don't know me so it's got to be you and i want to tell you another thing if i had as bad a personality as you do i'd go back to drinking and you don't ever have to worry about my calling you ever ever again if you're the last son of a bitch on earth you will never hear from me and he didn't till the next morning and i called him and he said meet me at the club walked in the door he said get your coffee and sit down they talk to you like a dog here you know So I'm going to tell you something about alcoholics, Al-Anon, Al-Teen, Alcott, and Al-Dawg. There's absolutely no failure here. Never has, never will, and possible to, and cannot fail. Just cannot fail, there's no failure. You'll never fail, it never, never, never fails, provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tellyou to do it. There's only one thing that you're going to get to do the rest of your life you're the only one that's going to get to do it but it's the only thing that you're gonna get to them you're going to make a decision every morning whether you're go to go our way of life or your way of life if you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make they'll flounder on the same subject for years so we're gonna give you a decision to make this morning you either gonna go our Way of Life or right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you were going to do? I said do you mean tell me you and the group don't care whether I want to or not? He said not a bit. I say well if you'll make it perfectly clear at the group that I don' t want to it then I'll do it. He says well first of all we've got to get some things straight. If you're thinking it's wrong. I said, how much of my thinking is wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any, any good, we'll let you know. I said, you put a sign up there on the wall that says think, think, thank. And he said, that's for us. He said, now we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do. The things that we'll give you to not do is going change. The things we're going to give you to do, you'll just add two. Then it's going to happen over here. What's going to happen over there? We don't know, but it always happens. I said, I'm going to tell you something. I've been listening to you and listening to You and I want You to hear me. You never listen to me. I want you to hear Me. I do not understand. He said, and that's it, and don't you ever forget it. There's two things that you must remember every day for the rest your life. No matter what's going on in your life, you do not understand. Then you'll have understanding. And when you quit trying to understand, then you'll enjoy it. And the other thing is no matter what your situation is, it's never the situation. It's never them, never her, it's never God it's you that must become different you must become different than you have ever been before I said how do I do that he said oh you can't what the hell are you telling me for then he said that's what's going to happen to you he said now I'm going to give you the kicker this is the very one thing that got you here but it's also the very one thing that's going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children if it doesn't change. As long as you know that you know, you'll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do that and begin to know that you don't know, then you'll know. I said, hell, you're crazy. He said, I know. Now since you don' t know how to not do anything, the first thing we're going to learn how to do is not drink or take a pill. You know that card that I gave you has got my phone number, for other men no women no mine when you get squirrely definitely before you take a drink or a pill no matter what time of day or night it is you call one of those numbers if you don't make the phone call you didn't do it you got to make the phone calls that's where we're going to learn how to not do something and this is what we're gonna do every day in the morning first thing get on your knees and say these words and these words only God take me today let thy will only be done in my life help me to death become what you want me to be and help me to death not take a drink of anything alcoholic or mind changing drug amen do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do God can handle that all by himself and then call me before you go to the bathroom I said why before I go to the bathroom you may not need to go I said do you mean to tell me you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to bathroom he said we'll find out they don't give you a lot of credit here you know before I got down on my knees I said, God, you know I've prayed to you all my life and you know hell he don't know. He's a Presbyterian. But we're going to do everything just exactly like he says this time so when we get enough this time we can tell him to take it and shove it. Got out on my knees, said that little old prayer got up and made sure I needed to go to the bathroom picked up the phone and asked where I needed to go now. He said, go to The Bathroom, maybe at the club. I managed the club and he said, now go to work. I said hell, I hate my job. He says, what's that got to do with it? I said, well, I hated it so much yesterday I couldn't go to work. He said, what'd you do? Sit in that chair and think? I said well, till noon and then went to AA class. He said you don't know how to go to work. I said how? He said go get in the car. You'll write that down we'll catch it. Then he said later on we'll learn how to do it more but in the beginning besides that prayer of a morning when you get in the car invite God in today. I said how do you do that? He said you say God I invite you in today put that on the card and we got it then you got to come go to work which is bad for us and come back to the club and walk in the door out loud so everybody can hear get your coffee and sit down with us by god i know to get my coffee but they gotta tell you though damn it they gotta take it when you're almost listening you don't know what the hell they're saying then you're all most comfortable they'll say Out loud, time for you to go home and eat supper and come back to the meeting. Hell, I know to go and eat suffer and come to the damn meeting. And after the meeting he said, now go home, get in the bedroom and close the door and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God today. It's been a miserable damn day. I hate you. I hate AA. I hate God. And I'm not going to be a hypocrite. he said do you feel like when you pray to god you don't mean it i said that's right i'm not gonna do it he says that has absolutely nothing to do with it it's the action that you're taking that you don'T know you're taking that causes all things to happen that you had no idea was going to happen and when you take the action THAT YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE TAKING AND ALL THESE THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO HAPPEN ARE GOINNA HAPPen all the things that you think need to happen will never need to happen hell i understood that for god's sake i said do you mean to tell me that god doesn't care you don't care and the group doesn't care whether i mean it or not he said not at all god is not going to depend on you for your relationship with him he's going to handle that all by himself i thought huh got my car went home locked the door so what's the name number one couldn't get in there got down on my he said okay by god god thank you for a miserable damn day amen hell if he don't care and they don't carry god don't carer hell i don't care did that for about two months and one morning i was driving down that old 610 loop for above Memorial Drive in Houston and that God that I had never known as my friend moved into that car with me. And for the first time in my life, I knew something different than I'd ever known it before. And I knew I knew that I'd never need to take another drink of anything alcoholic or mind-changing drug as long as I live unless I myself insisted upon it. And i knew i knew it. God that was a wonderful day God was with me stayed with me all day about three o'clock in the afternoon I said man I'm going to get me a tent and some tambourines old Oral better look out because Jimmy's coming I might even let him go and help put up the tent couldn't wait for him to get back he walks comes through that club door fifteen minutes late and I said get your coffee and sit down the baptist is taking over and i knew that's gonna make me the leader well they don't like you telling them coming back sponsors don't like it but i got him in the other room and i set him down there where he could see me put him right there where i could talk to him where i can sit him down i'm standing right there and i told him the deal then he grins just a little and said thank god we've got that over with now we can get started i said my god that took a year he said some are sicker than others i said what are you going to do about old what's-her-name he said uh me and my wife are leaving our marriage right where it is he said i'm going to send you to a guy that's got his all worked out so he sent me to the episcopate and you know they don't know this guy said are you still married i said not really i said we haven't slept together in years and said you know when you hate somebody's you don't sleep together a lot and i said and besides that there's a girl that i know the lord has chosen just for me the chemistry is right and everything. He'd been sober almost a month and and he won't let me go with her. He said, do you remember when you got in Alcoholics Anonymous you didn't fit in Alcoholic Anonymous and you didn' t fit back out there? I said, yeah. And you thought you were the only one going through that period and it was lonesome but you weren't alone? I said yeah. He said if you're willing to go through that loathsome period in every area of your life. I'll not only guarantee a relationship with a woman, I'll guarantee a friendship with men and women that you could never have dreamed of. And I'll give you a bonus on top of that. I'll grant you a relationship with Almighty God that you can never have imagined. I said, I don't believe that. He said, isn't that wonderful? You don't need to. I said why? He said it's the accent. I've already heard that. He said since you don't know how to live with anybody or with people, we'll just practice on her. First thing you're going to do is never tell her what's wrong with her ever again. I said, who's going to tell her? He said, I don't all, but you're not. And you're never going to do anything with Al-Anon or children or friends to work her around to get her to do what you want her to do. I said, never? He said, never. And you're going to pray for it. I said, I'm not going to pray for her. He said yes, you are and you need to learn this prayer because you're going to use it for the rest of your days on many different things. God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. Take our relationship, let it become what you want it to be and show me the truth. I said I do not want God's will to be done for her as well as for me. He said remember what you want has nothing to do with it. He said in the first place you may have to do it a hundred times a day and he said don't start up anything with that girl or anybody else. So I started doing it about three months later that old loveless sex thing surfaced in me and i had it and couldn't get rid of it told my sponsor two or three times a day told god every day and god would not remove it so i told the group he said you're not supposed to tell that the group so i went over and told another group one of them snitched on me you know we don't gossip here we're just concerned I told him I said you need to take her to Al-Anon he said my wife's already been taking her to Al Anon Al-Ans I want to tell you something I love you call me day or night if I can ever do anything for you she found you depressing and the more they took her to you the more she found you depressing whatever you're doing keep doing it hello what's your name had gone back to the valley see some friends and i went he says now listen usually when you stop acting on any defect that you have into your character god will transform that and transform your mind and remove it that's not happening to you your wife's gone go there and get in that apartment lock yourself don't call us anymore we're sick and tired of hearing about that thing you've got see they can't ever make up their mind one time it's call them all time day or night now don't call them at all i went on lock that door and prayed all day long cried and cussed and about 11 12 o'clock at night i went to sleep next morning that thing was gone first time alive they were so smart i said hell i only think i'll tell him finally after the fourth meeting while we were all out eating ice cream around a round table I said, well, I guess I might as well tell y'all. They said, oh, we knew it the first night. I said what didn't you tell me? Well, you need to know that you're going to always be the last to know. I said why is that? He said we don't know. So what's-her-name and I got a divorce after she explained to the attorney who I was. then i married me the one that had to work figured it all out myself she was a southern southern sunday school teaching singing in the choir real baptist civilian and she was with a screaming marriage and so was i we were quiet and we thought we had a good one and then we grew apart and then I got one that won't work and it's absolutely wonderful I've got one that's impossible she's younger than I am I said I cannot marry her told my sponsor told my aunt even I said I can't marry her she's too young and my aunt says so is most all other women too young she's a Catholic she's out on Yankee there's no way that'll work I told all of them it wouldn't work had the best five years I've ever had in my life can't believe it but I learned one thing you can love somebody even be in love and if you're not teamed right won't work now how do you do that beats the hell out of me I don't know I did it the hard way myself I don' t know why y'all are going to hope you'd do it easier wouldn't you hate to miss it what if we'd have missed it what if we had have missed it. We are the most fortunate people in the world who don't know it. Look at Swaggart. Jimmy Swaggart. You know, it's a shame if I'd known he was having that problem we could have taken my car. Hell, you take a $100,000 Lincoln down there they're going to notice it. We could have gone in my old car I never thought a hell of nothing about it. He could even use my name at the motel and by God done it instead of just playing around with it. That guy did more for me. See, my second wife got into all that TV stuff and all that stuff. And they always let me know I was just a little lesser than the rest of them. He did more. He did better for me than he did for anybody I know of. See, he had all the anointing of the Holy Spirit. God revealed all the meanings of the Bible. He was able to, God healed people through him. He did everything he's supposed to do and everything was just right except he left out, he preached repent, but he left out the one thing. I remember when I heard him one time and he said, look at that outfit over there. They come in and say, I'm Jimmy, I'm an alcoholic. He says, you come in here and say Jimmy, an alcoholic, when you leave here you won't be an alcoholic and I started to say, well, he may not be an alcoholic but he'll have a beer at 1 o'clock, I'll guarantee that. but see he had it all except one thing you the difference between him and us what's the difference he admitted it to God in himself you and I admit it to God ourself and what another human being we got it we're there yeah those bumper stickers that they used to have at church that had it i found it i've got it the only thing about is you and i can't use the bumper stickers see god got us where we can't even boast about it god has got us in a place where everything he says is true he brought us from every walk of life and didn't leave out of one he didn't live out one walk of life every walk alive he brought together and what did he create? He says, my people, my chosen people will not fit in this world. They will have to live in the kingdom that I create. Here we are. Did you know we was going to be here when you got here? No. I didn't know you was goingto be here when I got here. Who sent me here? Somebody? No, God sent us. God took us. I may not know much, but I know a little today. And I'm anxious to know more. But I know, I know that God chose us without a shadow of a doubt. You and I tried everything to do to destroy ourselves and anybody that would go with us. And it could not be done. Because Almighty God had us in the palm of His hand all the way. No other way we could have got here. We couldn't have made it through there. No human being could have drank as much as some of us did. gone through the nights that we went through couldn't have done it god was there all the time and the only thing that's wrong with us that hole it was in there we couldn't get filled was god himself and it had to be filled with his holy spirit and we tried every way in the world to get it filled until we got here and once we got hier then that holy spirit that bonds us together became active and god could transform us into what exactly who he created us to be isn't that something else we wasn't even looking for it found it isn't it amazing that god brought us together put us together and said now i've got you in the place that i've prepared you perfectly So you will be willing to go through the surrender that's necessary for me to transform you into exactly what I created you to be. That I may send you out into the world and use you for whatever it is that I desire. And 90% of the time, you're not going to know what that is. Isn't that amazing? then you and i were sent by him to be together see i could have gone to 10 different denominations in a thousand different churches but my life was never going to be the different until god sent me to be with you and you to be avec me see you're the difference once he got me to you then his power that only his children have no one else has it except his children maybe other church is all I have it fine but I know we added without a shadow of a doubt that once we got together his power filled us and we could go through whatever it is necessary to become what he wants us to be and in the meantime we go through those tough times and get the sweet stuff and be transformed into his image just like he says thank God I stayed with you long enough to receive that power to feel God loving me that day and me loving him but the difference was you it was you that I had to be with and that power never fails us once we call one another once we meet together just like here just like it is right now when I can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much.