He Knew Enough Not to Stop His Mental Health Medication – Todd M.

It dates September 29th, 2008. We do the math and three days I will have two years sober. It's only by the grace of the Creator and the God of my understanding and the people of AA that has allowed me to have that. I want to thank everybody for being in here today. I was a little nervous. You probably heard me strike up cigarettes. I was little nervous when i was asked to share um i don't usually do that a lot um i'm not much of a sharer um yes i've had a rough time and a rough life but you know we all have and we all stay sober my dad always says we can stay sober but i can get drunk and i wholeheartedly believe that today while we are my coffee maker going because I will definitely be going to get a coffee okay let's start this thing off it says in the big book and I've always been taught this that it goes to say and tell your story of what it was like what happened and what it looks like now well I'm gonna be saying some things in here that a lot of people may not agree with but it's a part of my story the only thing I ask is to have an open mind enough to understand and and to have compassion enough to realize that these any in material things I used to think he's to drink over and I want to come back to the main fact is that drinking drug because I'm a drug addict and alcoholic first of all I think my Creator for allowing me to wake up clean and sober today, to come in here and to fulfill my need to speak because I've always been taught when AA comes knocking, I go rocking. I hardly ever turn down an AA because I understand that's what's kept me sober is to help give back and that's why I'm doing it. What it was like? born in 1967 in New York, Glens Falls, New York. Moved around a lot, never knew my dad, he left when I was two from what I understand. My mother and father, excuse me, my mother and father weren't all together happy, but they were a couple. I lived in Schenectady for a while. I went in and out of boys' homes. All this other stuff used to happen to me when I was a kid. My childhood was not very good, but then again that was my childhood that's not today. From the time I was two to the time I was 14, I was molested and beat by different family members and friends and church and all these other things. So my perception of God, I was very angry at God. I didn't like him. I was wondering how he could let these things happen to me. Then I realized as I got older that it wasn't God that was doing it it was the people that were doing it god had no no reason to even believe that um or to let that happen uh like i said when i was 14 i moved to virginia um i lived in a foster care dismiss i wish i could see them again in spotsylvania county I have some amends I have to make to them but I would still like to see them because Mr. Tom Smith taught me respect and taught me like my grandma used to taught me and everything else so that's how that happened I lived there for four years and I got on my own I started drinking when I was 14 and I haven't stopped until just recently. Drugs, again, you know, just out of respect for AA. I did drugs and I did them as hard and as rough as I drank. I found that one could mix with the other and I could drink anybody under the table and they were wondering why. They didn't realize I was going off to the bathroom to snort a wine to come back and continue. Enough of that. This is AA. It's not an A. I just come to both and realize that A is the way to go for me. What happened? Well, when I was 18, I got in trouble. I got put in a county jail in Fairfax, Virginia for nine months, dry, unauthorized use of be okay and doing doing not so good stuff but all this while I thought it was it wasn't me I thought I was my drink and I thought that there was nothing wrong with me that I'd get paid in a Friday night comes out of the morning I'd be broke and I felt that was normal I never knew what normalness is and today I still don't know what normal this is to a degree I can okay when I was 19 I went through a car wreck me and my fiancee went through her car wreck together in DC Beltway 195 and we hit a concrete she died and I didn't woke up three days later that's that was my second TBI, which is traumatic brain injury. I will say this in my story, I will go back to a lot of things that happened that I shouldn't be here and it's a miracle that I'm here. It's a Miracle I do what I do today for a living. I didn't realize that she was dead And so what happened was, her mom and dad came in, and my mom came in. I asked her mom or dad where she was, and they just bothered their head, and that's when I knew she was dead. Well from that point on, I went back to hating God. I went back to having a fist fight with the God of what did I grow up with. Again, how can he let this happen now and so on and so forth. Well, when I was 22, I was in Ohio and I had a boy. Well, let me back up. I got married when I was 20. I was divorced when I was 21. I have a daughter. Her name is Elizabeth Marie Miller. No, I have not been a father. Not a father's term. I am her father but I've not been loving, caring, understanding and there for support and I deal with that every day. And I love her and I send a prayer out to the every day for her. I got divorced one year later. I moved to Ohio from Roanoke, Virginia. In Roanok I didn't do a lot of drugs but I drank just about every weekend and so on so forth. And I was working with this gentleman as a tailor-made locksmith, and yes, I know how to do that. I've been doing that for a while too. And we moved to Ohio. I got his daughter pregnant, Jennifer. I have my second kid, a boy, Daniel Todd. I'm Todd Daniels Miller. He was born December 17th. He's 13 years old and again I have not been around. I pay child support but I don't, I'm not, I guess you can say I'm a father in a way but I'm no a father like mine was. It was not a very good thing, enough of that. When I was 22, I had just turned 23. I had a car wreck. I was dead for 8 1⁄2 minutes. My blood alcohol level was 4.75 when they took it. They thought I was dead. They had a gurney there to pick me out of the windshield and where my nose was blood came out. So that's how that happened. On it, six stitches inside and outside of my face. They did a good job of putting it back together. That's probably why you can hear my voice. I don't have any sinuses and it's changing weather here in North Carolina so it's a little bad you want a little bit farther I quit drinking for about six months seven months as long as I was in the hospital that was my fifth TBI traumatic pain injury when I died I seen everybody including my dad my real dad I'm half Indian half German and I believe in the guardian angels very much what he has one. It's okay if they don't believe what I believe because that has helped me time and time again. After the car wreck, and I was in a hospital for about seven months and I didn't realize that I was in the hospital for seven months. I only thought I was at the hospital three weeks and came home. No. I was in therapy that long. I did come home, but I didn't realize where I was. Meanwhile, my mom was there and my dad, my stepdad, who I love very much today, is there. It's Big Bob. He comes online. He's very much of an inspiration to me and my mother's an inspiration. And that's what happened. I've had several things go on in my life that could have pulled me towards being in recovery, but I always rebelled. I always said nobody has done the things that I've done. Nobody has to pass the lab. Nobody's been raped, nobody's been this, nobody been that. It's all BS people. We all have a common denominator and that's we get drunk. We get messed up. What made me come into recovery this last time was I was living in New York and I always got a place and I've always worked on computers and I have always did my thing and I was trying recovery. And I went to this rehab in Rochester, New York. It was a two week rehab and it flipped me out because I had been there before. Everything seemed there. Everybody seemed, everything seemed to fall into place. And then I dealt with a lot of my stuff. Not all of it, a lot of them within two weeks I got out I had about maybe three months to three months sober and what I did was as I sabotaged where I was because I have other things wrong with me I called ism could be sex could be men women it could be anything I just call isn't because I'm an alcoholic. Well, I sabotaged where I was living and that didn't work. And I got a settlement because trying to get sober this last time around, the sponsor I had at the time, and I love him greatly and I still love him today, he flipped the truck I was in and I broke my neck and my seventh vertebrae. So I had a C7 fracture, which is basically a broken neck at the very end of the seventh vertebrate. I was a very lucky man but today I'm still having problems with it. And I forgive him. But I did not handle it right. I still have not in my heart gave him for that because he is not I'll say this much I feel that he hasn't taken responsibility even though he paid for everything and his insurance paid for his insurance that he didn't I still appeal so I just I figured when I'm ready to do that I'll be okay So when I got here, I got a check for $9,500. I blew it within less than a week. Women, drugs, drinking, I'm a man, so on and so forth. And I really got this itch in my head, this little thought in my mind that if I don't leave New York, this disease that I have is going to kill me. so with six bucks in my pocket i left everything in my room and i hitchhiked down here it took me three weeks to get down here stopped off in pennsylvania and i met a gentleman and i and i believe this today name is roger which i had gotten his number i think the creator was looking over me um because Because I met a gentleman that I rode down here in a truck and he wasn't supposed to pick up hitchhikers. But he said, you need help and I'm going to get you. And I fought the pretense that I need to go see my mom. But I really think he knew what was going on. First thing he said is, you're not running from the wall and I'm like no, I got a ticket on the way down here. So that's what happened. What happened is, the last time I was out it took a toll. That's when I knew wholeheartedly that I was an alcoholic and there was something wrong with me and I could not do this living life on my own. So I come down here. When I moved down here two years ago, the first ten months of my life in Charlotte, North Carolina, I lived in a homeless shelter for men. I went through a rehab there and it was pretty neat. I immersed myself in AHA. I was looking for a sponsor, I was doing the things that they were saying to me to do and I graduated that rehab and it was at Sakai, Miss Theresa, I love her dearly. From that point on, I went into transition, I lived there for about six months and I got kicked out of the homeless shelter. I think that's the way that the Creator has allowed me to get on my own because He knew I wasn't going to move. He knew I wasn' going to take care of myself, I was going to allow somebody else to take care of me and that's not how this life thing works. We take care each other but I have to do the basic things, get up, shower, eat, go to a meeting, count my spots or whatever. How it is, how it's like now? It's wow. Beyond my wildest dreams. I've lived through a lot, I've been through a life but I wouldn't give it up for anything. I'm happy with who I am, I'm happy with what I am, and I can say that no matter what, I don't have to drink or drug just for 24 hours, just for one day. If something happens and I need to call somebody, I've got thousands of numbers I can call, literally thousands of members. I've been to one or two conventions. They're not for me. but when, like I said I said in the beginning when we were chatting that when AA comes a knock and I go rocking and that's exactly what it is when AA asks me to do something I give it to AA and that is my belief it's not a single individual I give to, I give it to AAA AA saved my life AA has given me the ability to look at life through a different perception through love, kindness, understanding because I too am codependent like a lot of other people I too like to fix people because if I fix you, you ain't got to fix me I don't have to worry about me well that ain't happening I found the God of my understanding and I call him creator he's God, but I take him as creator and I'm getting better, better, better, with that God work. I'm learning to forgive God. I'm learned like he really needs it but in my perception he does. In my perception it's my way of getting a spiritual part of the program. A spiritualness that I know that I need. There are a couple things that have helped me through my daily struggles. I've got several people that I've seen over the years and have really affected the way I look at my life, really affected how I deal with my life. of them was a gentleman named Don, back home. He's my sponsor's sponsor. He asked me what I was going to take to be at a victim. And I'm like, hmm, what do you mean? He sat me down. Now I understand what he means. I'm just an victim. I've got victory instead of I have I have the ability to sit down and process what has happened and say okay can I share this with somebody so they can understand that they're not alone can I shared this with someone that they they'll feel that I haven't empathy and compassion and loving and understanding And believe it or not, it's happened. It's happened this day. I have a gentleman here where I live that, you know, I love him. And the only thing I say to him is, when you're ready, he'll come. When you're not, that's okay. Don't bother me. You do what you got to do. So, what I'm saying is, is life has come in a full 360 for me. I was born, I lived a rough life, a horrible life, but there were times in my life just like any dysfunctional family that it was wonderful, but they were more bad times than good times. I had a teenage year, I made a lot of mistakes in my teenage years, excuse me I was drinking coffee. But, I come full circle. I will say this, I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 8 years old. I didn't know then that I was an alcoholic. I didn' t know then I had that gene. I didn''t know then, I had that thinking that stinking thinking but it's because of my mother that took me to that meeting that I'm sitting here today It's because the people in my life that have helped me over and over and and have been a part of my life I am sitting here today and sharing my story with you people it is Alcoholics Anonymous and the God of my understanding the creator that has brought me this far and it continues to bring me very far so like I said what happened what it was like what happened what is what now or what it life was miserable. What happened is I had a spiritual experience and what it's like now is I can say that there are days I'm happy, there are day that I'm sad, there are days that I am miserable, there're days when I have headaches, they're what I call life days. And I still to this day am amazed at how far I've seen people growing Alcoholics Anonymous and then they come up to me and say to me I've seen you grow even farther and it gives chills and it's getting chills down my spine there are two things I'm gonna end with there are few things that I wanted to do actually three things I wanted you to do when I first got to alcoholics anonymous into North Carolina and I told my counselor and Rob Grant I said one I want to work on my past I've done that my history I've dealt with that the second thing is I want another school in the process to try to do that the third thing is is I'm going to get a tattoo that says serenity on my heart and it's on my profile page and I've done that. Anything is possible all you have to do is believe. There are ways of doing things and ways of getting places that I don't even know how I get there but I believe. I believe in a spirit, I believe spiritually, I believe in the Creator. I Believe in Alcoholics Anonymous. Someone said to me I don't want Alcoholics Anonymous to brainwash you. I've got my own brain. I've been in the meetings back home where they told me not to take my mental health medication. I knew enough not to do that. Some people don't. I do what I have to do. How are you doing, Joey and Eclair? There's two things I'm going to end with and then I'm just about done. Sorry, I don't know if I've gone over or gone under. Probably under. This is how I got two years sober. I didn't do it by myself. I do it with alcoholics anonymous and the people in these rooms. I'm making a cigarette. Sorry about that, people. And you didn't call me. They told me 90 minutes, 90 days when I first got here. I did that. They told me to find a sponsor. I did that. Sponsor said to me, 90 meetings in 90 days. And I laughed at him and said I could do it in 30. He laughed back at me and said, what the mm-mm are you laughing at? He said, a meeting a day. That's all it is. One meeting one day. Doesn't matter if you go to five meetings in that day it's still 24 hours. And he brought them to 24 hours He told me to find a God of my understanding and when he said God, I balked. I literally stomped and said no, I'm not going to do that. He stopped me dead in my tracks and said Todd, Todd, whoa, back up, come here. Grabbed my arm and slapped me down. He said if you cannot believe in a God, your understanding, believe in my God. Believe that I believed. and when i did that and i stopped to do that it opened up that door to that spiritual understanding to the god of my understanding to the creator don't want to find a home group i did die they told me to do service work in my home group and i've did that and i still do that today and they told him most of all help another alcoholic I do that there's a catch for me not for everybody this is just my opinion it could be anybody it doesn't matter if they're alcoholics I don't exclude anybody from that field I've known a lot of people that need help and I've helped them I don' know if they are alcohols or not I know I am and kind of bet that if they're talking to me they might be but that's their decision not mine there's a passage I'm gonna leave with end with and then I want to thank you for allowing me to share there's the passage two passages in the big book Used to be page 449 and 451. Now it's 417 and 420. It's about acceptance. This is one of the reasons why hopefully you understand why I got serenity on my arm. Because this passage alone has kept me out of more trouble and more harm than anything else. So as an acceptance is the answer to all my problems today, when I'm disturbed it's because I find some person, place or thing or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, places and your situation has been exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake until I could accept my alcoholism I could not stay sober unless I accept life completely in life's terms. I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world, but on what needs to change in me and my attitudes. And then page 420 this is the most part that I love it says perhaps the best thing of all me to remember that my serenity is inversibly proportionate to my expectations. The higher my expectations of Max and other people are, the lower is my serentity. I can watch my serene level rise when I discard my expectations, but then my rights try to move in and then too force my serena level down. I have to discard my rights as well as my expectations by asking myself how important is it to me? Really. How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotions, sobriety? And when I place more value on my serene and sobriete than anything else, I can maintain at a higher level at least for the time being. Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him. All that turns that's God's will for me. I must keep my magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I've never had it so good. Thank God for AA. I'm gonna end with that and I thank you for allowing me to share my story allowing me to convey my happiness and my sorrow and my understanding of Alcoholics Anonymous because I keep it that simple I keep it to the point where everything else is okay I thank you God bless you thank you todd great share i want to thank you for being our guest speaker today the microphones have been given back to all and ask anybody that would like to come up and comment