He Had to Let Go of Old Ideas Before the Results Could Come – Randy M.

I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic. I'm very grateful to be here. Wow, what a gift. I don't know. I can't believe how good it could get. So I'm going to talk about step two, hopefully. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And I read that step like Bill read the first step in the eye, that I'm coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I'm coming to believe right now more. And, you know, these steps are a way of life. What was shown to me is it's a way of life. The first time I went through the steps, it was so ridiculous. But it was fantastic because I didn't drink. But in looking back, it was and took me through me through him, had a great program. And he spoke from the books. But the way I went through them was ridiculous. Do you admit you're powerless over alcohol? Yes, I can never drink. Every time I drink, something bad happens. And I never know when and why or how. But and then I usually don't remember what. But it was bad. Usually, even if I had fun, I didn't remember the fun. They had to tell me about it. So I can never. Drink alcohol again. I got that part. And then my life has become unmanageable. When I first went through the steps, it was unmanageable because I drank. It was unmanageable because I wrecked cars and wrecked relationships and couldn't keep jobs because I drank. And then and then we went to step two. And and he said, are you willing to believe that there's a power greater than yourself? Are you just willing to believe? Yes, I guess I am willing to believe that I I think the way the universe works is too mathematically correct for it to be random. So I believe that there's a power that did that. And then we got on our knees and we did a prayer. And in between, we read a lot of stuff out of the books and we talked about a lot of stuff. But, you know, I mean, I was new. It's so painful just to get through the day. Right. And so I did it as a like agreeing. I did these steps. Basically, if I agreed with this step, it was time to move on to the next one. I agreed that I was willing to make a decision to turn my will. In my life over to the care of God, as I did not understand him. But I was hoping that with time I was going to come to understand him and then everything was going to be wonderful. And and I treated my alcohol. I did not drink no matter what. One day at a time. And I went to a meeting every day and I worked steps and I did what they said to do in AA because I could never drink again. And what happened to me was I thought that I was treating the disease because I wasn't drinking because I thought the disease was alcohol. And I so long as I wasn't drinking alcohol, I was doing what was necessary in AA to treat the disease and I didn't drink and I would go to meetings and they would say, you know, well, first of all, it got really good. My life got really good first because I wasn't drinking and I had paychecks and I had jobs and I had kept, you know, I was getting along better with girlfriends and parents and everybody. And I didn't hate my life as much as I did the day, you know, when I came in because I was not drinking. And there was some hope. And then time passed and I had done all 12 steps and about a year and a half passed and I started finding fault again with my girlfriend, with my car, with my house, with my job. But I didn't even know what it was. I didn't see it as finding fault. I just thought I was the world's most unlucky person. Nothing good ever happened to me and it didn't happen when I was drinking and it didn't happen when I was sober. But but if I stayed sober long enough, my luck was going to change. So I was going to hang in there no matter what. And one day it was going to get better. I knew it was because it got better. It got better for you guys. And and I trudged along and at four and a half years of sobriety, I would come home and I would just want to die. I mean, I just was the world's biggest loser. I was never going to have a job that I liked making the amount of money that I needed to have the girl that I wanted to live in the house that I needed. And I was the world's biggest loser. Nothing ever worked out for me. And and, you know, they would say, just don't drink today and you're a winner. And I don't know. It wasn't working for me. I wasn't feeling like a winner. And and then I met my sponsor, Ted, one of these gentlemen. Oh, unbelievable. Like Bill said, he was always there. I spent so much time with him. I I look at new guys and like they get my phone number and they call me once a month whether they need to or not. My sponsor went to a noon meeting every day. I knew where he was. I went there every day that I could go there. And. I would eat lunch in the noon meeting, get a meeting, and then he would spend a half an hour to an hour with me every day, every single day. My first sponsor said to me in a meeting we were we were we were talking and I was helping him because he was an older guy and lonely and he needed someone to talk to. That's what my mind told me. I was being a service in a to this old lonely guy. And he looked across the table at me and he looked me dead in the eye. And he said to me, Rand. If you knew how sick you were, your head would explode. And I like to say this. Now that I have some time, I believe it's just as true today as it was the day he told me it. If I knew how sick I was, you know, because I think I'm doing so good and everything, you know, life is and my life is so good. It's unbelievably good, especially up here right now. But but I. But it's just I'm just scratching this. There's so it's an infinite power that I'm coming to believe in more in this moment right now, always right now. And so it just keeps getting bigger. So there's something wrong with me. And it was described alcoholism, ego and stuff. I got unsatisfied. I used to say I have an unsatisfied mind. And I shared that one night and I thought, wait a minute. That means that it could be satisfied. My mind is not satisfied. Satisfiable. I have an unsatisfiable mind. And I have tried repeatedly over and over and over to come up with the next right thing that will satisfy me. And I have an unsound mind. I have a mind that keeps tell. It tells me that if you just run some more scenarios, you will eventually get to the right answer and be restored to sanity. Because when I get the right. Answer, then I then I'll be sane. Then I can stop running the scenarios. The crazy man. You know, this is the universal sign for crazy. How often do people get up to the podium and they say, oh, yeah, the thoughts, they just keep going around and around. I'm going, yeah, take a look at that. There might be something to that. There's something wrong with me. And what's wrong with me is that I have the delusion. These are words from a book. And if they're not words for your life yet. Take a look at it until until you can agree or disagree with the words, because it's just words in a book. But the words in the book are that I have the delusion that I can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I only manage well. It's a delusion. It's a lie that I tell myself. And I believe it so strongly. And I keep trying with my mind. Yeah. I'm going to get this thing. Even a. I have the delusion that if I come to this retreat and I sit and I listen and I take notes, I'm going to hear something. And then I'm going to be able to take that thing that I heard that I learned in a. And I'm going to be able to do it when I need it. For the problems that are going to arise in the future. Sounds great. I'm going to. Never. Happened to me. I heard the most amazing things from this podium, from Bob Anderson, from Ted. I heard the most amazing things. About how to be with people. But people just pissed me off. When they say the thing that I don't like, I get mad. I don't remember what I heard from the podium. It just hurts me. And when I'm hurt, I go to my mind and I start figuring out how to retaliate. And how to hurt. And how to hurt them back and how to get mine and how to protect me. And I don't go to God. I go to. Oh, yeah, I'll show you. And all they said was, how are you doing? My mind said they're saying you're not doing so good, are you? At the end of the first step, it says in the 12 and 12. It says that I stand ready to do anything which will lift my merciless obsession from me. Now. There are a lot of guys here. There's probably some newer guys here in the first 90 days or whatever in your sobriety. And your merciless obsession is most doubtedly probably alcohol. You're mercilessly obsessed to not drink again today, no matter what. And that is, you know, and nothing but an act of providence can remove that from you. So you're going to have to turn to a power. Probably I did. That's what I had to do. I had to turn to a power to have that merciless obsession for alcohol. And drugs were removed. And it was eventually. But today I don't mercilessly obsess about alcohol. I mercilessly obsess about how to please myself. I mercilessly obsess about how much weight I need to lose so that I can shut up about my weight. I mercilessly obsess about how much money I need in the bank to make it through retirement comfortably. So that I can then. Then if I get that amount of money, then maybe my mind will shut up about money. And I mercilessly obsess about having the perfect wife so that my mind could shut up about women. My merciless obsession is to please self. Whatever self says is the thing that I need for today is the thing. And then I'm going to use my mind, which is warped, which was described earlier. I'm going to use my warped mind to try to restore myself to sanity. Okay. And I'm going into the warper. Whoa, it's going to be scary. And what's crazy is even a good thought. It's a good thought. It starts with a good thought. Oh, I need to make more money so my daughter can go to a good college. That's a good thought. But then it goes into the warper and it comes out as you never make good money. You hate everybody at work. You need a new job. You can need to divorce your wife because she doesn't have enough money and she's not right. And all that stuff is going to be too much trouble. So you should just kill yourself. And that thought. It goes from I need to make more money so my daughter can go to college to I need to kill myself faster than I can speak it in words. It's over. It's time to kill myself. Nothing. Nothing. No time passes the speed of light. My mind is so warped and so fast. It's like the black hole. It just eats it. Whoa. I get to come to believe. So the second step is okay. If I stand ready to do anything, anything. That'll lift my. I have to do the worst thing that ever happened to me because every natural instinct. This is words from a book. Every natural instinct in me cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. This is not like a surface wound. Every natural instinct. Everything inside of me cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness about of admitting complete defeat of not being the power for my life. See, I want to figure this stuff out. I want to come here and learn some stuff. I want to learn some tricks and I want to go practice those tricks so I can get the stuff that I need heaps. I need heaps of money. It says that in the book. I need heaps of money. I don't just need money. I don't need little piles. I need heaps of it. I'm gonna. So, so now it says that I'm going to come to believe that a power greater than myself. It doesn't say in a power. See, that scared me for years. I thought I was going to have to come to believe in a power. And I was waiting for somebody to take me into the back room of AA and tell me which power it was that I was going to have to believe in. Is it going to be Jesus or Buddha or Muhammad or whatever the heck it's going to be? And that scared me because I don't. I have a lot of prejudices against the word God and religions. I am filled with prejudices. You say God and I see a man on a throne throwing thunderbolts and he's going to kill me because I'm always doing stuff. That's not right. I'm not right. And if we got what we deserved in this program, if you got what you deserved, this room would be empty. I wouldn't be here either. So we're lucky we don't get what we deserve. So I'm coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. That's it. And so there's like three parts, right? That I'm coming to believe. What is that? And how do you do that? And that there's a power greater than myself. That just means that there's me and there's a power greater than me. And you don't even have to know what it is. And to come to believe, you don't have to know what it is. You don't have to name it. You don't have to do anything. You call it power. You just have to start right now. See, this program is a way of life. It's not a thing. Thing. I can't. I can't learn this. I can't memorize what's going on here. I can't keep listening to the tapes and figure this thing out. It's right now. Power. Could you be with me? Could I come to believe more right now in this moment that that you could restore me to sanity? Because I know I can't. I will try. I will try again. I'm sure I will try again. Probably many times, maybe today. But there's a power. And there's a power. And if I start right now in this moment as a way of life, as a way of life of coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity by sharing my life with that power. How else are you going to come to believe if you want to come to believe that Cheerios? You got to put one in your mouth and chew on it and swallow it, and then you can make a decision. Was it a good Cheerio or not? Do you want more of it? It's the same thing with the other. It's the same thing with the other. It's the same thing with the power. I got to start sharing my life with it. Power. Could you help me? Could you help me to listen? Like Bill said last night, could you help me to hear what's being said right now? So you don't have to memorize what's being said right now. You can't. I can't. I just have to be in the room and having be having an experience of coming to believe right now that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity in the sanity, everything that I need to know. And I know what I need to know. And I know what I need to know is being present in at the exact moment that I need to know it in the being restored to sanity. It's there. Reason reason you can't learn this isn't because you're stupid or because you have alcoholism. It's because you already know it. The problem I have is that self is so loud and self is so trying to rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world by managing well, it crowds out that intuitive understanding that I'm not doing the right thing. And I think that's really important to come to know about yourself. That I already have. It's already inside of me. This power is deep down within me. It already knows all this. So all I have to do is show up and say. God could you get me out of the way. So that I could do your will. Which has already been programmed in me. Just like God's will has been programmed in the whales. When it's winter time. The whales don't get together in Alaska. And decide if they're going to go to Hawaii for the winter. They don't plan on. You know they don't try to figure out. If there's going to be enough krill in Alaska. That maybe they don't have to take the long swim. They just do what they're intuitively guided to do. And they don't worry about what's going to be in Maui. They just go there. They don't even have a GPS. I don't know how they get there. How do they get there? If you left Alaska. Even with a GPS. There's a good chance you're going to miss Hawaii. These guys. They just go. They do what they're intuitively guided to do. And they show up where they're supposed to be. When they're supposed to be there. And everything they need. Is delivered. When they get there. And that's the way God's world works. That's the way it was shown to me by my sponsor. Everywhere man isn't. The world works perfectly. It's only when I get in there with my will. That I screw up the flow. And I decide. No this winter I'm not swimming. I'm staying here. And I'll be the dead whale on the beach. Coming to believe is right now. You never are there. It's doesn't say that I came to believe. For a while. And then I was restored to sanity forever. I'm coming to believe I. I mean maybe it does say I came to believe. But when did you came to do that? The only moment I could be restored to sanity for my life is right now. Right here. And it's the only moment that I need to be restored to sanity. Because I don't need it for later. I don't know what's going to happen later. I need it right now. This is a right now program. My sponsor used to say. The relationship with the power is at the intersection of right here. And right now. And that's what's going on here. And if I can hook up with that power. I don't need to remember anything. Because everything I need is being supplied. In the moment that I need it. Right there like magic. It's like magic. Except for that I'm sane. And I'm treating people. God and the people around me are having a better experience. Because I'm coming to believe. And then ultimately I have a better experience. And I start to go from a guy who hated his life. I hated my life. I hated everybody and everything in my life. I thought I was the world's most unlucky person. Today I love my life. I can't believe how good it is. And it keeps getting better. Yeah there's bumps in the road. Yeah I get hung up. My business is imploding right now. I'm having the best time. I'm sorry. Here it goes. You know why? Because that one's going to implode now. And maybe if I can just let it go. And ask the power. What do you have me do now? Maybe I can find the right place. Doing the right thing. At the right time. With the right people. Making the right amount of money. And I can shut up about my work. So I think that's all I got. All right. Thank you. All right. Tommy's back in the house. You'll get him your question. Thank you Dan. You want me to read? Here you go. I can read it. Bob always said that all recovering alcoholics no matter how long they are sober are working step two. What did he mean by that? Well I am not Bob. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man a man. I am a man a man. I am a man correct. Okay well about that I'll sort of do them out surprise them with a veneer in theourd again and shove them in his pocket. So here we go. This is about guiding theili ketchup, and I am a man. My name is Denny Bishop. I am a man a man. I am a man. I am a man. So welcome to the여 and a woman mafioso. You see you've been a call me. You've seen a start. You've known you've known you've known too. But there's going to be a start. Okay. We're ready for our hour action. Start. talking to God and talking to God in prayer and all those things are great. But if I don't come to that power with a spirit of complete defeat, of I cannot do this on my own power, whatever this is, be a husband, be a father, be a driver, a safe driver on the freeway, be a worker among, I cannot do any of those things on my own power and be at peace. If I don't have that as a basis, as a spirit, as a way of life, as a principle in my life, if I don't have that, there's no way I can come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I am going to be that power and I'm going to keep trying to restore myself to sanity until I get to the point where I say, oh yeah, see there I am again. I'm up to my old tricks. I'm restoring me to sanity. Can I talk about an open mind arguing in the debating society? You know, there's so much stuff, great stuff in this program. I'm so glad that the guys that are here are here. Step two is about having an open mind. I used to think an open mind was, you know, me and two women is a good way to have sex. I thought that was open minded. If gay people want to get married, they can get married. I'm open minded. That is not what open minded is. That is what open minded is for me today. Today, open mind is a mind free of self. It's open. It's open to some new guidance. It's open. See, my mind, everything I know, it says in how it works. I have to let go of my old ideas. Absolutely. The results are nil until I let go of my old ideas. Absolutely. Every single thing I know up until this moment right now, is an old idea. Everything I've learned in AA is an old idea. And self will take all those old ideas and try to figure out how to manage my life again using self. Everything up to this moment is an old idea. The debating society, so it was talked about in ABC's and one, it's the self talking. The debating society. Here's how alcoholism works for me. No matter what I get, I lose. If I am in alcoholism, I lose. If I am in alcoholism, no matter what I get, I lose. I used to bid jobs for a business. And I was in a creative field so I could make up any number I wanted to. And so it was all based on how much money you had. And how much I could get from you for that job. And so it was very challenging for me to write the bid to begin with because I had to come up with a number. And I had to debate, you know, if I do this much then they'll say this. If I do that much then they'll say that. And I can add some here and take some there. And blah blah blah blah blah. And go crazy. And finally three days later it was due two days ago. Three days later I put a number on and I send it off and I hope they do it. And then no matter what they say, I lose. Because if they take the job, my mind tells me, oh you are such a loser. Anybody could do that job for that amount of money. Anyone would take that job. You're a loser. You should have asked for more money. And then if I don't get the job, it says, oh look at you. You're such a loser. Nobody's going to take a job for that much money. Why would you ask for that much money? You are the world's biggest loser. So either way I lose. And it's the same thing in every area of my life with alcoholism. I cannot stand the woman I'm with. I am so sick of her. I've found fault with her ankles, her knees, her shoulders, her brain, her money, her everything. And I've been with her. I found this six months ago. And I'm finally at that point where today I'm going to tell her she's got to get out. And I finally, after six months of incredible pain staying with the wrong woman, I tell her, you have to go. I can't be with you anymore. And the minute she's gone, my mind says, why did you do that? She's the best girl you're ever going to have. And there was nothing I could do about it. And now I'm in so much pain. And I'm calling, guys call me. So all the time I get calls from guys, oh, we broke up. And it's terrible. And I'm in so much pain. I'm, OK, let's see if you make it through dinner tonight. Because invariably I get a call, oh, yeah, we're having dinner tonight. After all that. After all that pain and how terrible it is that we broke up, they call me back and they're dating again. Usually the same day. Is that the same as knowing? Oh, I don't know. The debating society. When I'm debating, I'm arguing. Whenever I'm arguing, I'm arguing with me. This isn't about debating with you about if you should vote for Romney or Obama. It's about the debate that goes on in my head. About should I stay with this girl or not? That never ends and never lets up and never shuts up and never stops. And I'm debating with me. It has nothing to do with you. You're talking to me about something that's important to you. And in my head, I'm debating whether I should stay with this girl or not. I'm smiling and nodding and going, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I haven't heard a word you said. I'm so deep in the debate about the problem that I have, I can't hear what you're saying. I'm not even interested in you. I'm only interested in figuring out which way. Which way of this debate is going to win. What does it mean to rightly relate myself to God? You know, um... I don't know what it means to rightly relate myself to God. I know what I do to try to rightly relate myself to God. There's no... There's no... There's no... The minute I think I know something about God and how God works, I am in big trouble. Me, when I say rightly relate myself to the power, it's that the power is... What does it say? That one is all power. All power. May I find him now. I'm ready to rightly relate myself to that power. For me. I share my life with God. Here I am. Right here. Right now. Power, could you be with me? Could you help me to be in this room? Could you help me to love these people and not find fault with them? Could you help me to just be here right now, this moment, to feel the air? To feel my feet on the ground? What would you have me do now? Could you just be a listener, right? Could you help me listen without being an interruption to the room? And I start rightly relating myself to the power. The power is the power. I am the wrong power for my life. I'm the unsound mind. I'm being restored to the sound mind if I share my life with that power right now. Why do the administrators at the church... Oh, I'm not even going to read that. Now I know I have to read the questions for it. Okay. You said thoughts happen at the speed of light and my mind sped away. Yeah. Isn't that great? I come here to the retreat and I want to hear some stuff. And my mind is such a fantasizer. I have such a fantasizing mind that I'm here and I hear something. Oh yeah. Just share. I'm here to be with the power right now. And then I think, yeah, that'll be really good. I'll be with the power right now when I'm with my wife. And then we'll get along better. And then I start fantasizing about what it's like to be with my wife. And then we're not getting along so good. And then I'm finding fault with her. And then I need a divorce. And then I'm brought back to the moment because people are clapping again or laughing or something. And I go, wow, look at that. The guy said something good that I could agree with. And my mind agreed with it. I was like, oh, my God. This is where the disease is. And I left the room with that mind on a good idea. And I hear another word that was said at the retreat. It's happened to me where it happened for a whole day. I heard something really good. And I started to fantasize about how good it could be. And I left the room and I never came back. And then it was over. The retreat was over. Everybody was hugging me. I had such a great experience. I'm like, what? Where was I? I wasn't there. I was in fantasy land. You want to do something really fun? Haha! That's it! I don't know how to feel. I don't. As soon as I looked back at my mail, I thought, like I thought I read the diary looking a little bit sad. But then, here's my reality, here's my workspace, how did I, again, make it special? About. And my cuaby, my face, all of that, was filled with joy. I had children. The world fast forwarded this story not long after where I became a child. Up next was this son. Hm hm. Song. Robbie did that in a meeting. And, you know, where my mind went, where nobody could say no to me, was a dark, scary place for everybody that was involved except for me. I'm not a good king. My mind goes to crazy places when no one can say no. But that's what I ultimately want. I want to be the power for my life. I want to have enough money and enough power and enough prestige so that nobody can say no to me. And that's the only way my alcoholic mind is ever going to be satisfied. It's unsatisfiable. I don't even know. You know, Rick said Elvis Presley. He had it all. Everything. He had the money, the looks, the women, everything. And he died fat and drugged out and unhappy. If Elvis doesn't have enough to be happy, I don't think there's enough to please me. Okay. Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there a way to apply spiritual to slow it down? Yeah. I'm not moving at the speed of light if I'm right here right now. I'm right here right now. This is it. This is where it slows down. It all slows down right now. This moment. My sponsor told me that this moment and we were talking about it at breakfast this morning. This moment is an infinite moment. It's going on forever. This moment. This moment. Those stars that were shooting last night, they shot a long time ago. And we're just now seeing the light, the light from those lights that shining. It was that fire was burning a long, long, unfathomable amount of time ago. And we're just seeing it now. This moment is infinite. It's slow. It's forever. This is it. This is as good as it gets right here right now. Do I deserve to have a loving, caring, judgmental, non-judgmental God? It doesn't matter if you deserve it or not. You got it. God doesn't care. My God doesn't care what I've done, obviously, or I would be gone. My God cares what I do right now in this moment. Ted had a prayer. I wish I'd have brought it. But in the prayer, it said, I don't even know if I'm doing. Your will. But I believe that my desire to do your will pleases you. And I hope that that desire is the basis of everything that I do today. So I don't think that. God's living in the past. Or living in the future. It's right now. And right now in this moment. I'm free. To be the man that that power wants me to be right now. Now there's a lot of work to do. There's 12 steps. We're building a character. This doesn't happen because I said, oh, I'm going to come to believe today. And now I believe. There's 12 steps of recovery. I've got to build this new character. That lives this as a way of life. And step four. And step five. And step six. And step eight and nine. And in eight and nine, I pay the price. For the harms that I've done. I pay the price. I make the amends. I don't just say I'm sorry. I make it right. I make their lives better. And I pay the price. And now I know what the price is. Because they say you can do anything you want in this program. You can do anything you want. Sober. So long as you're willing to pay the price. Until you've done step nine. You don't know what the price is. It's just lip service. When you go back and you make amends to the people you've harmed. You will know what the price is of harming someone again in the future. And then. You can make a decision if you're willing to pay that price or not. Is that? I don't know the time. How important is it to develop your own conception of a higher power? It's a good question. Coordinate. Coordinate. It is. What's important is that I share my life with that power right now. Whatever the conception is. I mean. It's going to be better. If it's the one who has all power. And it's a loving power. That wants the best for me. My conception of God is that. What it says in Sermon on the Mount about the meek. That. It's more about what God's will is for me. Is to be happy. And vital. And interested. God's will for me is something happy. Vital. And interesting. And better than anything I could think of for myself. And. And. The desire to let that come about in whatever fashion. God sees. I think it's very important that you call it whatever you want to call it. You see. It's going to be your own conception of God. So. That's all that matters. Is that you have your own. Conception of God. My conception of God is the one. That restores me to sanity. When I go there. I am restored to sanity. I don't know how or why. It just happens. And I have experience of going there. And being restored to sanity. So I have my conception. Of God. I can put. I can call that God. Whatever I want. God is a title. God is the one who has all power. Like general is the one who has all power of that particular part of the army. God. Is the one who has all power. That's a title. You can call it Jesus. Muhammad. Muhammad. Murray. Whatever you want to call it. You can call it. It doesn't even matter. And you can't have my conception of God. And I can't have yours. I have to build my own conception of God through practicing. Right now. This moment. Practicing having a relationship with the power. And then I will have my conception. And my conception today is. When I go there. I get restored to sanity. That's all I need to know about God. The more. The more I think I know the more trouble I'm going to get into. Can I speak more on complete defeat. You know most people don't like it when I speak about complete defeat. It sounds terrible. But it's not terrible. It's it's a state of mind for me. It's a state of mind. Look I. I have. Just. Finishing a three year business. As a. Partner in a business. Where we ran a business. That was semi successful for a while. And now it's coming to an end. I have a wife. I have kids. I have cars. I have car payments. I pay my insurance. I own a house. I have a whole full life. I am. I have a full incredible life. And. I am a complete defeat. At doing any part of that. And being at peace. With my mind. Because I have alcoholism. I hope. I really. I look out at you guys. And I hope you don't have what I have. I hope you don't have to admit complete defeat. It's the worst thing that ever happens to you. Admitting complete defeat. Crushes the ego. It smushes the life out of it. Everything that I thought was important. Is now dead. In complete defeat. I hope that you don't have that. But if you do. If your mind never lets you enjoy the moment you're in. Admitting complete defeat is a way of life. Where I know for my life. That I can't do anything. On my own. And be at peace. And have a good experience for everyone involved. But with this power. In a state of complete defeat. Then I have the willingness to reach out to a power. And say hey God. I don't know how to be. A husband. What could I do right now? How could you show me how to be the best husband I could be? And an intuitive thought will come in. Wash the dishes. And my mind immediately says. No. That can't be complete. That can't be a good husband. How about if I get a maid to wash the dishes? No. Wash the dishes. And then I wash a dish. And I feel better. And my wife is happier. And my life gets better. And when I do what I'm intuitively guided to do. In a spirit of complete defeat. Because I'm not in complete defeat. I'm not going to listen. I'm not going to do it. I have to have that first. And then everything is added on to that. Without a spirit of complete defeat in my life. No other aspects of recovery are possible. You know it starts with alcohol. I cannot do this power. I cannot do it. I need help. Thank you for letting me share.