He Can’t Claim the Success of Others Because He’d Have to Accept the Failure – Bobby C.

How you doing? Can you hear me? No? Up more? How's that? They said one's for the taper and one's for the loudspeaker, so I said I got to talk out of both sides out of my mouth. My name is Bobby cool I'm an alcoholic can everyone hear me now no you can't hear me at all how's that this one okay cool all right I'd like to thank the district 6 for inviting me to come up and Blair who is very kind Emily and I as a beautiful ride home beautiful ride up hopefully be a beautiful right home not as long as it was yesterday but you know it's great to be here chapter five of the big book is real clear i am supposed to tell you in a general way what my life was like and as an active alcoholic what happened to me and what my life is like today so sober member of alcoholics anonymous my sobriety date is june 2nd 1988 i uh you know i grew up in a very blue collar ethnic neighborhood in philadelphia seven brothers and sisters we had no booze at all in my house my father did not drink and my mother could not drink my mother suffered from the history of mental illness and abused prescription medications so we had no booze at all in the house my grandparents lived around the corner from us and that's where i had my very first drink they had a bar in their basement and i loved my grandparents you know what i was embarrassed about them because like in my neighborhood uh my grandparents were immigrants they talked funny and it's a it's amazing because i thought everyone in my neighbourhood talked funny but uh you know that's Where all the family functions were held the christenings the parties and graduations and things like that. And that's where I had my very first drink. See, I never felt a part of, and that's pretty tough to do, like we had 10 people living in a small three-bedroom row home, but I never feel a part off, and that would be true even leading into my early recovery. But what had happened the first time I had a drink, I didn't get drunk, but I remember what it was. My grandparents, there was a party in their basement bar, and I remember when we were drinking, it was Ballantyne beer. And I remember that because Ballantynes used to sponsor the Phillies, And I remember going up to Connie Mack Stadium with my father and the old scoreboard in right center field. And I was running around the basement bar polishing off the half empties or the half fulls. I guess it depends on your perception. But I was polishing off to have empties and my uncles were saying, look at Bobby, look at him. And that's what I craved. I crave the attention, you know, and I always did, you know, and like I said, I grew up in a very blue collar ethnic neighborhood success was measured by I guess what union book you got everyone wanted to be uh get a union card and there were certain levels the iron workers were up on top then the electricians and worked their way down or you became god forbid a cop or a fireman but you know that's the type of neighborhood it was now i went to a private jesuit high school and right that way i felt kind of different because most of the kids who went to this school were from affluent families from the suburbs it was just me and a couple other dirtballs in the neighborhood who went through this school and by the way i thought kind of different because we used to walk to school so right away we had some sort of reputation you know and these kids were getting dropped off by their parents and in their luxury automobiles beautiful cars and me and the guys from it from the neighborhood were inside robbing their lockers and i knew that was wrong but i did it anyway because the need for me to be accepted by you outweighed anything else so i was like your entertainment committee and whatever values or ethics instilled to me by the nuns or by my parents had went out the window because the need for me to be accepted by you outweighed anything else. So I really was operating without principles from a very young age. It was funny, my freshman year at the prep, it was football season. There was a football game. It wasn't a way game. We rented a bus. There was drinking. There was fighting. There's police activity. It Was a great time. And I remember we all the first day back, we all had to go see the disciplinarian. So he had his lined up outside his office and there was about 10 of us. Now they were the other eight kids were all upperclassmen. It was just me and another kid from the neighborhood. We were the only freshmen, and we were there only like two or three weeks. And the priest came up to us. He said, what's with you guys? You guys here two or 3 weeks, and you're getting this jackpot already? And I just shrugged my shoulders. I said, you know, Father, it's just one of them things. And what it was, it didn't take me long to size up situations. Like when I got there, I wasn't an athlete. I didn't hang out with them kids. And I really wasn't, you now, I didn' t hang out with the kids, the AP kids. I found out who was drinking and was about partying, and that's who I hung out with, you kno. And that would be the story of my life. I would size up situations fairly quickly and pick a team who I want to hang out with it was funny you know I didn't set the world on fire at the prep but I didn' do Bailey either I gave the bare minimum effort required to get by you know and again these were goals I would set for my life mediocrity you know I don't want to get jammed up where I got any trouble but I just gave them just enough to skate by and that's what I did at the Prep and when it came time to graduate I really had no desire to further my education and they kind of took my parents off because they made a lot of sacrifices to send me there so i knew i couldn't stay home because there'd be held to catch and i couldn'T get an apartment i had no money i had no skills i really didn't have anything any options the only option left for me was to enjoy the service and that's what i did i enlisted in the air force and that really wasn't a bright move because back then nobody else was going in fact there were guys who were still up in canada you know but i went over you know i joined and i went up and sent overseas and i spent 13 months overseas and that's where my drinking really took off now i never mess around with other substances there were a lot of guys from my neighborhood who had gone over and got whacked on certain things but i had a fear of other substances but i definitely had a drinking problem at this point i was there a couple months and several good friends of mine got killed and i didn't know how to handle that because in my family we didn't talk about nothing it was all surface stuff you know and once you moved out of the house whether you went away to school whether you got married you were no longer privy to the secrets of the family everything stayed inside you and as long you stayed in that house everything stayed within the walls of the family you know so um and that's not a shot at my folks that's just the way it was so i didn't know how to handle this when my friends getting killed but i knew that booze numbed the pain and that is what i did you know and the same thing in the air force you know i i did not distinguish myself but i didn' t get any jackpots either i gave the bare minimum effort required to get by just went to skate by without drawing any attention to myself when my tour was up i came home i wound up taking a couple civil service exams and then i enrolled in school st joe's college and uh so i met st joe for a bit and the same thing there you know not setting the world on fire and one day one of the kids from my neighborhood to call me up he said bobby the phillies are playing tomorrow afternoon it was one of those businessman specials you know like one of Those weekday like 12 15 games and they said you want to go i said sure because they weren't going to miss me in the classroom because i wasn't participating there either so i remember it was towards the end of the semester, it was in May, and it was an unusually hot day. And the Phillies have since moved. They're playing in Vette Stadium down in South Philadelphia. And I'm sitting up at the 700 level drinking that cheap watered-down beer, and I'm getting trashed. And I told one of the kids I was with, I said, you know what? I said I want to run down the field and meet one of their players. And they said, that's okay, Bob. And they shrugged me off because, you know, one of nicknames I had was Bullshit Bob. I was like, I'm going to do this, I'm want to do this i did that i didn't do nothing i just drank and made stories up so but what i did do i worked my way into the old picnic area they had and i jumped over the fence there and then the san diego padres were in town and dave winfield was the right fielder for the padres and i was running around the field like about 10 minutes but it was probably closer maybe like a minute or so and i and i ran down right field and i shook dave vinfield's hand i said hi dave how you doing and he looked at me he's a brother he said what are you doing out here And from behind him, I saw the guards coming. I said, Dave, I've got to go now. So I start running towards the infield, and I went to slide into second base. But as I was running towards infield there was security coming from the third base side, and if I knew if I would do that I would get caught. So I turned and started walking towards first base where there was more security coming. And I don't know, I'm probably about 10, 15 feet away from the guard. I'm walking, I want to give myself up. At the last second I deked the guy and I ran in the outfield. I just got out in the service, I was in great shape. I'm running around like a lunatic, right? but i got nowhere to go i mean the fence is like 12 feet high i'm drunk i'm out of breath i'm about to get sick i just stopped running you know i said up on the scoreboard they put mr excitement they couldn't catch me so i'm waiting in the outfield just waiting for the guards to come and uh they were taking me off the field and i got a standing ovation from 37 000 people tug mcgraw was in the bullpen for the phillies he gave me the thumbs up he said like Like, way to go. Now, I knew I was going to get a beating from these guards. That was okay. They could have beat on me all day long. I don't care. Because these are the types of stories I used to tell, you know? But no one would believe me. But I had four guys in the neighborhood who were up in the 700 level. They were my witnesses. I knew that this story, I could drink the next week for free off this story. You know? So the guards could have beaten on me. They could beat on you all day along. And just as I was about to get my beating, a Philadelphia police lieutenant came up to me he said what's the matter with you he said are you drunk are you high I said no I'm not I'm just happy just happy to be here he said well you better get your happy ass out of the stadium and that was important because not only did he save me from getting beaten but it saved me from getting arrested because that was important because one of them civil service exams I took when I first got out of service kind of panned out four weeks later I was at the Philadelphia Police Academy you know they was hiring anybody back in you know uh i i tell you that story for a couple different reasons um one it's um it's the only funny story i got you see because i wasn't a funny guy you know i was a liar thief i was lying thieving stinking falling down violent drunk if i hung around you you had something i wanted i use and abuse every person i came in contact with second of all and probably more importantly is i was a major blackout drinker from the very first start just drinking beer and i remember the next day i would show up at the corner and the guys in the corner would tell me what i did the night before hey bobby do you remember this i said no so they would tell him the story and later in the day i would repeat that story hey bobby what'd you do last night and i would tell them and i had no recollection of the incident at all i was blackout from my very first thought so i'm in the police academy now i got hired now back then um it was pretty interesting our mayor at the time was a guy by the name of frank rizzo and he himself was a former cop and there was 8300 of us and we were like a gang with badges we could do whatever the hell we want to do and once i graduated i spent most of my time in uniform in north philadelphia where i would see the ravages of alcoholism and drug addiction day in day out and at the end of the tour i would go out with guys in the squad and i would uh you know there were things i saw on the job that bothered me but i couldn't tell my co-workers that because i didn't want to be thought less than i wanted to be one of the boys to the point where i even engaged in my in behaviors and i knew that was wrong but i did it anyway because the need for me to be accepted by my co workers outweighed anything else you know and uh you know like i said i saw alcoholism and drug addiction day in day out and uh the handwriting was on the wall for me now i'm not even old enough to drink in the state at this time the drinking age in pennsylvania was always 21 at that time the drinking age in Jersey was 18. And where I lived in Philly, I could be across the bridge in Jersey quicker than I could in other parts of Philadelphia. But once I got on the job, you know, doors opened up for me, you know? And the handwriting was on the wall quickly. There were a lot of family members who were on the jobs, you know? I remember one day I was at work and a supervisor pulled me off to the side. He said, You know what, kid? He said, you're smart. You're going to go places. That booze is going to mess you up. It went in one ear and out the other. Later, I was had a family function and my uncle was there. My uncle was the boss on the job and he pulled me off to the side. He said, you know what Bobby? I'm hearing stories about you. You're going to get yourself in a jackpot. You better slow down. In one ear and out the other. Several years later, on two separate occasions, I ran into that supervisor and my Uncle in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I realized at that point they were trying to 12-step me. But I remember talking to my Uncle. I said, Jimmy? He said how come you didn't tell me you know he just smiled like one of them old-timers smiles he just smile he said he said bobby just weren't ready yet which just goes to show you that all the drinking and all the behaviors that i got engaged in were uh were necessary for me to hit my bottom you know i was the last guy to figure it out everybody knew i had a drinking problem but it wasn't until i realized it i was able to do something about it my drinking took me to a lot of my nevers and one of those nevers was the use of other substances. What had happened, I was 24 years old and I shot and killed a 15-year-old kid in the line at work and it was a terrible situation that just couldn't be avoided and a lot of help was extended to me but I used it as an excuse to crawl in a bottle and that's what I did for the next three years. I wound up getting sober when I was 27 and a whole lot of people tried to help me but I was just full of self-pity and just wanted to milk it and that is what I Did. my drinking took me to a lot of my nevers and one of those nevers is the use of other substances i wound up getting promoted and i worked in this uh pretty nice uh i had this pretty nice job and one night i'm in a position uh i'm drinking obviously so my judgment was impaired and i was in a situation where i thought i needed to do other substances and i i got involved in other substances my drug history is very short it only lasted 17 months but it caused me and a lot of people a lot of grief and i think out of the respect of the fifth tradition that's why i need to talk about that stuff you know everything just went with the territory you know no one wanted to hang out with me no more the guys didn't want to work with me anymore you know i was engaging in unsafe behavior i was doing all types of crazy things i remember towards the end of my drinking i would call friends up and say you know you want to go out and they would all make stories up i remember one night a guy said bobby i'm broke i said that's okay i got you covered he says no I can't go out with you. And you know you're bad when you can't even buy people anymore, you know? And the drinking was ugly and my life was just a shambles, you known? So it was Memorial Day weekend, 1988. I'm sitting in this bar, guys in my squad, we're in there drinking and towards the end of the day, we were in there for several hours and one of the guys that I was with, he said for some reason he needed to leave and I said, I'll tell you what, I said I'll give you a ride home because I didn't think that I Was as drunk as he was And he thought that was a pretty good idea. So I'm in my car, you know, and I had a city car, and I was always your show-off. I was also an arrogant guy. So I wanted to show off my driving skills, and it's pretty tough to do when you have somebody else's car, you know? And it was not unusual for me to go, like, down sidewalks and things like that. So I saw a kid on a bicycle about two blocks, three blocks ahead of me, and I wasn't going to play chicken with this kid, you know? And that's what I did. And unfortunately, at the last moment, we turned in the same direction I ran this kid over. As he lied bleeding on the hood of my car, I got out of my nightstick and was going to beat this kid because I thought he was milking me for an insurance claim. So I took this kid off the hood of my cart and threw him off the side of the street like a piece of trash. I pulled his crumpled bicycle from underneath my car and threw that off the side of street like it was a piece or trash. I drove back to the bar. I made a remark. I scored 10 points and I continued on drinking. When I came to the next day, I realized I was in serious trouble but I didn't think anybody would help me because I was such a creep. I used and abused everybody I came in contact with. I didn't know what to do. So I got a case of beer, a bottle of liquor, and some other substances. And I checked in a hotel with the intentions to consume all this stuff to build up the courage in my life. And I couldn't shoot myself because at this point I was suspended from my job so I no longer had access to my weapon. So on the third day they're knocking on the hotel door to kick me out. So what I decided to do, you know, I still was going to have my life, so I walked over to the window and I opened up the window and I was goingto jump out the window. And when I opened up the window, I was on the fifth floor of the hotel and I remembered I was scared of heights. You know? I made 23 jumps in the service. I never overcame my fear of heights, you know? So then I went in the bathroom and I filled the bathtub up with water and I had a blow dryer and I was going to pull the blow dryer into the tub to make it appear an accidental electrocution. But every time I would pull the flow dryer into the tube, it would come unplugged because I was about a foot and a half short on cord. So I got one foot in the tub and I'm leaning, trying to plug it in. And it's like a scene out of that Woody Allen movie where he couldn't even kill himself, you know? And it took me a while to get used to it. It's okay to laugh, but I never want to forget the pain I was in that day. So I took one last... The only tool that I had left was my car. So I take one last spin to my neighborhood. I started up at East River Drive. On the top of East River drive was the Falls Bridge. And East River driveway is a winding road that runs along the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia. And I come down to East River Dr. and I decide I was going to end my life in an automobile accident. Now this was like a Tuesday or Wednesday morning around 10, 10.30, and that's important because at any other time, I would have probably succeeded in my mission because this is a very heavily traveled road during rush hour, but most people are at work. It's a weekday. Most people are at worked. Now, I'm driving, and the speed limit's like 25, and I'm doing about 50, and i'm flying, and kooked, and hungover, and crying, and as I'm coming down to drive, the very first thought was I want to end my life by going oncoming traffic because I handled enough jobs and I knew where that was, you know, you could succeed that. But something hit me. I realized I didn't want to hurt anybody else. You know what? Like I hurt everyone, everyone I came in contact with, you know, I hurt. And I realized that I didn�t want to harm anybody else, you know, and obviously I would have hurt somebody innocently who had nothing to do with me at all. But I was still in pain and I decided I would end my life by wrapping my car around a tree and I also knew that that was pretty successful too. and they had these big old, old trees that I could definitely do the job. But as I'm coming down the drive still, I'm crying. And I'm surprised I didn't get into an accident, but I now know that my higher power is looking out after me. But 15 years ago, I didn' t realize that. And I finally pull over. At the end of East River Drive is Boathouse Row. And I pulled over, and I sat behind the wheel of my car, and I cried like a baby. And I need to tell you, about six weeks prior, I'm home from work one day, and Iím reading the daily news, and thereís an article in the paper. Alcohol problems, drug problems, depression, thoughts of suicide, mental health problems and the marital problems also. I'm looking at it and there's a phone number and I'm talking to my wife and I look at the ad and they talk about the moment of clarity or sanity. I'm walking at the add and I am four out of five because I am single and I was married and I would have been batting a thousand and I looked at the end and I said maybe but I said no but I cut it out and stuck it in my wallet anyway and I continued on doing my drinking. Well that day sitting behind the wheel in my car I am crying like a baby and I reached into my glove box and inside the glove box is my wallet and inside that wall was that article that I had clipped out of the Daily News about six weeks before. And I walked over to the, and it's no longer there. It's one of those old glass-enclosed phone booths outside the last boathouse. And I went up and I dialed the phone number up and the woman who answered the phone, I spoke to this woman like I spoke with no one in my life before. I told her the truth. I figured she, I didn't know her from a can of paint. I could always hang up, but you know what? Once I started, I couldn't stop. Like everything was just coming out. And God bless her, man. She listened patiently. And when I got done, she said, listen. She said, why don't you drive over to Hahnemann Hospital and somebody's waiting to talk to you. I said, okay. So I got in my car, and if Hahnemmann's like about a five-minute ride, I went over, drove over to the hospital, and somebody was waiting for me. And they admitted me to their 10th floor of the psychiatric unit. And I spent about three days there until they got me stabilized. And from there, I got transferred to the VA hospital out in West Philadelphia. And I spend about six weeks in their flight deck. And from here, I get transferred to the V.A. hospital out on Coatesville. And I've spent a number of weeks in air flight deck, and then I got put into an alcohol and drug ward. Now, I need to tell you, when I pulled over that day to make that phone call, Aquahawks Anonymous was the furthest thing from my mind. See, I've gone to Aquahawk Anonymous before. I made my very first meeting in 1979. Now, don't tell people I went out because I really never came in, but I'll tell you what happened. I showed up at work one day, and our job, we had an EAP. We had a counseling unit, and the counseling unit had an AA group attached to it. So I show up at worked one day and the supervisor's there, and he says, drive this guy up to the unit. He's detailed there for the day. I said, okay. So I come down this driveway, and it's a little house that's sat in a park. It's called 369. And I pulled up, and there's a guy sitting on the porch. His name was Eddie, Eddie M. I says, Eddie, this guy's detailed here for the day. I'll come back at 4 o'clock to pick him up. He looked me dead in the eye. I said、Kid, do you want to come in? I said،No, I don't. I was insulted that he even asked me because I knew what alcoholics were. Alcoholics were your older guys or these poor guys I was dealing with day in, day out, or you married guys or guys with three heads. I mean, I knew what alcoholics were. It wasn't me. There was no way that I could be an alcoholic because I was a beer drinker. The only time I drank hard liquor was like on St. Paddy's Day or New Year's Day or Pay Day, but I was the beer drinkers. And there was no way you could be and alcoholic drinking beer. And it was funny because after I got out of the VA hospital the very first outside AA meeting I met I went to, Eddie was there. And as soon as I came in he smiled. He said, so kid, you finally came around. And again, it just goes to show you that everything I did was necessary for me to hit my bottom even though there were people placed in my life many times i just disregard them because i was on that road to self-destruction so i'm in the va hospital i'm getting the alcohol and drug ward i'm there for about i don't know about two hours i wandered my way down to the day room and in the day room up on the wall they had the 12 steps and the 12 traditions and i go up to the steps i zip through them i got about six of them done i think until i saw the part about the amends i said they're screwed that doesn't apply to me but what happened later that night was the two men came up i would later find out that they were part of the treatment facility committee i didn't know that then the moment they came up and they carried the message the moment that the speaker said something about his background that i didn'T like couldn't relate to i didnT identify with i would immediately tune him out i was too busy listening to the messenger not the message now i'm looking around my group my peers and i realized that i'm not as bad as they are most of them had legal problems i certainly didn't have legal problems it was probably because of the tin i had in my back pocket may have helped me out a few times a lot of these guys had marital problems or kids wasn't talking to them you know i had no problems like that probably due to the fact that i've never been married and had any kids may have helped out there uh these kids had some of these guy's had hardcore drug problems that certainly wasn't mine you know I knew I could leave that stuff alone you know. I was looking for the differences and not the similarities I was getting arrogant again you know but what bothered to me the most was at the end of that meeting everyone got in a group and held hands and said the lord's prayer if this is what you people were about that i know what not to do with you because i hated god and i know they're pretty strong words but that's what i did i hated God and i'll tell you why i talk about my mom my mom was uh you know mentally ill was a fundamentalist in the church she belonged to charismatic movement she thought she could speak in tongues and all this other stuff and there were programs on the radio and television and pictures and candles and all that stuff throughout the house and i was 15 years old i came home from school one day and i'm in the house about 10-15 minutes when i finally came across my mother and see she had slit her wrist and i remember when i found her she looked up at me she said bobby help me and i looked down at her and i said good for you and i walked out of the house so i got an older guy to get me a bottle of wine i stayed outside and drank the wine and i came back and i got a little bit home later that night and my dad was there and he told me what happened i acted surprised so that happened when i was 16 i didn't get sober till i was 27 so that's 12 years of hating god And it would be a couple more years before I would even address this. So I broke away from the group. I would not say the prayer. When it came time to get out of the VA, and I need to tell you, the VA helped me a lot, but I did not get my recovery there. I got my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. The VA helped with a lot of things that are going on. And I'm about to say this, and please, it's not to get a joke. There was a nurse there, and man, she was a godsend. And I really believe she had to be a member of Al-Anon. And you know why? Because she saw through all my BS. And that's what I did there. I put the wall up again after a period of time. I wouldn't let anybody in, and she saw right through that. And she came up to me the day that I was getting out, and she said, you know what? She said, the only way you're going to make it is that you need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I need to tell you that's the best piece of advice I got. So I went to AA every single day, sometimes two or three times a day, you now. And I don't drink coffee, so I don' t make it. I don''t smoke cigarettes, soI don' th'e have any ashtrays. i didn't take your phone numbers because most of your screwballs i don't believe you anyway you know uh i walked in with step meeting or a big book meeting that strictly by accident i would leave at the break because that's something more important to do god forbid tradition meetings rules i need to tell you my line of work we love to enforce them we don't like to file them there for the other people you know so but i made meetings every single day and man i was crazy as a bed bug i remember i was sitting in this bar one day uh i was sober about 10 months drinking uh uh seltzer out of a rock glass of course and uh because they had real good roast beef and if you told me why i was there that's the story i would have given you back in i now know that that's i was here for another reason but however um eating roast beef drinking seltz and a couple guys from the neighborhood came in and they start giving me a hard way to go see because what i did i was very successful my job i i did very well and there was a lot of publicity well towards the end of my drinking and the behavior i gauged in there was was a lot of negative uh publicity and the true thought was i was there because i was arrogant i was back and i wanted the other people in the neighborhood knew that i was black but don't believe the hype that i'm okay but these guys came in they start breaking my stones one thing led to another and i just had enough it's the hell with this so i took the glass i was drinking the rock glass and i'd just punch this guy right in the face and i cut him severely he bled like a pig and a couple guys who handled the job who came in they saw me and they cut me a break and they let me go and they said bobby get the hell out of here And that's where I learned my lessons about people placing their things. And I have since found a place that sells real roast beef without being in that type of environment. You know, it's just nuts. I remember I was celebrating my year anniversary and I told my story. And it was amazing. I got done speaking. A thunderous applause. People came up and they patted me on the back. They said, Bobby, you're doing so good. The lame walk the blind could see. It was an incredible experience. But when they petted me on my back and said, Bobby, you're doing so good. I felt like I was dying inside because I lied during the entire story. First of all, my home group at that time, you needed to identify yourself as an alcoholic and nothing else. And I didn't believe I was an alcoholic. I thought it was my short use of other substances. If I left that stuff alone, I'd be okay. Maybe I got this mental illness and I inherited this from my mother. Maybe i got this stress stuff they're now talking about. I got this from job or I got just from my experience in the service. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a mummer. Maybe its a neighborhood I live in but it can't be alcohol because I'm a beer drinker you know they're just nuts so when they pat him in the back say Bobby you're doing so good I was dying inside it you know I used I love the old-timers there right man but I hated them too you know because they would never ask me to go out with them and then when they asked me to do something else to do but I want to go out with him and I got mad when they didn't ask me but when they ask me I'd say no it was just nuts and i would go and the only time i get my hand up was to share from the floor was to take a shot at somebody i mean i was crazy you know i was just nuts i was 23 months swear to god i beat another man with a baseball bat i forget what step i was working that day but i just well people would say just don't drink you know and i said okay and i just didn't drink and i did everything wrong you could do an alcoholics noms the only thing you didn't i didn't do i didn'T pick up a drink i didn't believe you people with time you know i mean i made my first outside meeting and so i spent almost six months in various nut wards my first inside meeting there's a guy from my neighborhood he's sober like 14 15 months i knew he was nuts as a kid but all you other people i my very first outside meaning there was a husband and wife celebrating 10 years the wife had one more day than her husband and she constantly reminded him throughout her share she had one more day i didn'T believe these guys at 10 10 years how can you go 10 years like i try to stop drinking, I would try to give it up for Lent or give it up because the girlfriend I had at the time or I was giving it up because I was getting jammed up at work by abuse of sick time. But I could never stay stopped. But you guys, with 10 years, I thought, you know what? I thought maybe you drank in Jersey and keep your Pennsylvania time. Or you had all this other crazy... I couldn't fan on you guys like 10, 15, 20 years without a drink. But it was the new people that I saw. You know? But I hated everybody. I swear to God, I had no idea who John Barleycorn was. I remember, you know, it was unbelievable. And once I found out who John Barticone was, I felt so stupid. Here I was, so damn bright, it damn near killed me. You know? I remember the guys, they came up to one and they tricked me. It's pretty easy to trick newcomers. They came upto me and they asked me a question. They said, Bobby, are you working this weekend? And before I could say it, no came out. I said, no. And I wish I would have said something else like why or whatever, but I said no. They said great, we're going on retreat this weekend and we want to take you on a retreat with us. Now, again, doing things in my gut that I'm uncomfortable with but that need to be accepted outweighed anything else. So I never told anybody about my mom and they knew that I had a problem because I wouldn't say a prayer and just not only that, but my behavior was just nuts. In the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, stone cold sober and I was still nuts. So they were taking me on this retreat and it's funny because I'm in the back seat of the car with a guy on each side of me. It's like role reversal. At work, I'm usually driving, but here I'm in the front row. I'm sitting in the rear seat. And so the closer we get to the retreat house, the bigger the knot gets in my stomach. But I couldn't tell anybody. I'm at the retreat house about 15, 20 minutes when I run into the retreat master. As soon as he saw me, he smiled. His eyes lit up. He's my disciplinarian from high school. But not only that, but he was also a long-time member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He smiled. He put his arm around me. He said, how you doing? You know, good to see you. And wanted to know how long I'm sober, where I'm going to meetings. I'm telling him what the deal is. He said that's great. He said who's your sponsor? I said I don't have one. See, I'm a pretty bright guy. I didn't tell him. He knew I was a bright guy. I didn' t tell him that, but I said, I don' t have one. He said, I strongly suggest you get a sponsor. I said okay. So I asked my roommate to be my sponsor. God forbid, just in case I should ever be questioned again. Bobby, who is your sponsor? There he goes. He's right there. That's my sponsor . I tell you, I never talked to this guy. The only time I talked to him is when I accidentally bumped into him in the meetings. He would wave to me and say, Bobby, I still got that same phone number. I said yeah, I'll give you a call. You know what I used to do? I used tell my friends, you won't believe this guy . He got me doing this, He's doing this, he's doing that. I lied. I made it all up. The guy put the hand of AA, the hand to help out there and I slapped it away. And then I character assassinated the guy. Talk crap about the guy, a solid member of AA. You know? Not me. He was. He definitely was. I was sober. My second anniversary came and it came and went and I didn't celebrate it. One month after my second anniversary I went to eat my gun. The same pathetic feeling I had 25 months before but 25 months before I'm loaded with drugs and alcohol. Here I am stone cold sober in the rooms of Aquahawks Anonymous every single day, sometimes two or three times a day. I can count on one hand how many times I met more than one day without a meeting and I went to eat my gun. Safe to assume my life was unmanageable. I swear to God, I'm not proud of this, but my home group, we had a cork board, first name, last initial, date of month and how many years, anniversary for the month. Joey A got two years. Bobby C got one. Joey A went out. I used to take pleasure in that. It's good for him. He's out. I'm up. I was caught up I know it's sick but I was about seniority if you had more time and you went out it's good for you I move up no one asked me to be their sponsor no one wanted what the hell I had I didn't carry the message I carried the disease I was nuts you know so I'm 25 months I want to eat my gun I see this guy one time in a meeting and this guy his nickname was Troubles that was a hard earned nickname but no one ever called him troubles because he was nuts so i saw him at a meeting one time and he was sober and i knew he was for real because it wasn't in the rooms of aqua hawks nines it was in the neighborhood he had this glow about him i knew his for real he was doing the right thing he was treating women with respect he was walking he was actually walking the pro walking the steps walking away life outside aa and i sat down one day and i asked him i said bobby i need some help he said he looked at me he said bobby I've been watching these past couple years. I'm sticking my chest out. I said, yeah, he likes me. He said, I need to tell you. He said, you're full of shit. That's not the response I'm looking for. He says, I'll be your sponsor. He says I'll by your sponsor under certain conditions. A, you are going to call me every single day. You're going to go to a big book meeting a week. You are going go to step meeting a week, you going to a men's meeting. You going to get yourself a coffee commitment and you going leave them damn women alone. And I'm saying to myself like who is he talking to i'm sober 25 months i'm selling the grapevines like i got it going on here but but what i did do i looked them dead in the eye and said that's okay that's what i'm willing to do and that's the night that i worked the first three steps you know because i definitely knew that i was powerless over alcohol and like i said i went to eat my gun my life was certainly unmanageable you know and so uh if i was powerless then you know the problem had to be power greater than me and it certainly wasn't me you know so uh you know i hated everybody uh you know besides god i hated anybody but you know i saw these guys coming in behind me i hated them the most how dare they get better before me because i told them about this seniority bit right if you went out i took pleasure in that but these guys are like a year i'm sober 25 months i see these guys a year 18 months over and they got this glow about them i hated then the most how did they get it before me but the truth was they got involved in a program of action before i did i just showed up that's all i did i didn't do anything else but show up i used to go to a lot of go-go bars in my early recovery right i drank soda drank soda and i would get my picture taken right with the entertainer and and i würde pass these pictures around to the old timers because i figured they would like that they would look at the picture they would look at me and they would just shake their head and said kid please keep coming back and i thought there being facetious. I said, all right, I'll keep coming back. I was just nuts. I'm telling you, I was nuts. I did everything wrong in AA. I didn't pick up a drink, but I was nut. I was a liar, thief, and cheat. Stone cold sober in the rooms of Aquahawks Anonymous. I 13-step people. I was an idiot. I was like a creep. Stone cold silver. I was such a creep that this guy saw through it. He called me on it. After the meeting, he invited me back to his house. We went over the first two steps. We got on our knees together, and we said the third step prayer. He told me, Bobby, this is the program he held up the big book this is the way we get sober you don't know anything about it just follow these directions he said the way we do a third step is after we said the prayer we start doing our inventory now I don't want to do one of these because I'm going to meetings people say whoa easy does it don't want to get well too soon do you yeah and all this other crazy stuff and I said yeah right I don't like it well too long I don'T WANT TO DO ONE OF THESE INVENTORIES I'M GOING TO MEETINGS AND PEOPLE SAY WHOA YOU MAY GET DRUNK WELL YOU KNOW what i went to eat my pistol making regular attendance and meetings in alcoholics anonymous i knew that i needed to do this inventory even though i was scared of it i knew i needed to do it because i wasn't doing nothing and i was on my way out the door anyway i did my inventory and you know what it wasn't that bad everything i wrote down i did the scary part was the next step though talking to somebody about it i wasnít about that so but Iím a pretty bright guy so i called my sponsor up and said bobby i said Iím going to go on a retreat and do my fifth step with a priest he said bobmy thatís great when you get done step on my house you'll do it with me and you know how it is sometimes with sponsors like you know like what are you deaf you didn't hear what i said and he must have picked up on that he said i heard you he said did you hear me and then before i could tell him why he said he told me why he's a bobby he said i'm your sponsor he said this is a journey we're walking together if i'm supposed to help you change i think i at least need to know what we need to change together here and the truth was i want to do the fifth step even though i had wrote god in the church down on a resentment list that resentment was still there it didn't go away the truth was there were a lot of things i was embarrassed about and i figured if i did my fifth step with a priest between me him and a lamppost nobody else would know and if i would do my first step with my sponsor he would ridicule me you know pass judgment on me or even worse he would tell other people i had a lotof fears i still didn't address i never did that fifth step with the priest and i i did that first step when my sponsor and you know what those things that i had were unfounded fears because he did none of those things he didn't pass judgment on me he didn'T ridicule me and to the best of my knowledge he never told anybody else in fact what he did he shared some of his experience with me which took away the feeling that i was the only person to have do certain things or have certain thoughts and i'll be forever grateful for him for doing that you know it took away that terminal uniqueness that i thought that i hade and it was powerful and he had a quiet room set up in his house and i guess he didnT trust me he said sit here quietly for the hour and you know what uh i can only talk about my experience you know i go to a lot of step meetings i hear fifth step and i don't hear a lot people talk about this part this is where the power really got a hold of me you know when i got done sit quietly because i can never sit quietly i couldn't sit quietly for four or five minutes when i would go to meetings a real serene meeting serene people scared the hell out of me so i would get my hand up to get the crazy meeting to uh you know I would give my insanity and set the meeting off. And then once the meeting got insane, I sat back and watched the show. I love that. You know the old saying, peace of mind, you can't miss what you never had? Well, I never had a peace of mine. I never missed it. And I could never sit quietly. I was very rambunctious. But I sat quietly for that hour and I did it without looking at a clock or a watch. In fact, I think I wound up with like an hour and 15 minutes. He came up and got me. And it was incredible. And my experience is that the screaming inside stopped. Now, that may not sound like a lot, but you know what, man? and it was a hell of a relief to me. I didn't burn my fourth step because he said I needed these for the rest of the steps, six and seven. And I didn' t know what character defects were. I knew when I drank I was a character. The truth was when I did my inventory, I found I had no character whatsoever. Like I said, I was a liar, thief, and a cheat. I wasn' t a brother or a son or an uncle or none of that stuff. You know, I compromised in the principles and the values that were instilled in me by the nuns, by the men on my job, by my family. put legs on those prayers you know i can pray all day long but you know what if i'm not taking the action the prayer goes for naught you know I have a laundry list of character defects and uh one of them may be uh let's say I'm not the most patient guy you know I may not be the mostpatient person and I could pray allday long God help me be patient help me be patient but should I be put in a position during the course of the day and someone pushes my buttons or I lash out in sarcasm and sarcasm is nothing but anger you know it's also referred to his language of the irish but you know that's all it just all this is just anger if i lash out in sarcasm that prayer for patience goes out the window you know god will do for me what i can't do for myself but i need to do the work the eighth step because i didn't burn my fourth step half my eight step was done and i had to throw some more names down on there you know i used to be one of those guys when when i would share in a stunt meeting i'll get my hand up and say well i never harmed anybody but myself right there was a tip off i never did my inventory because i harmed when i did my inventory i found out i harmed everybody came in contact with but unfortunately those closest to me the most i harmed the most the nine step direct amends no letters no phone calls for me because i didn't beat you with a bet over the phone or through the mail and when i tell when i would try to do those measures uh well you know he don't he no longer lives in neighborhood he lives down the shore or something like that my sponsor said i don't care he says if once you write letters or phone calls it would say indirect amends direct amens face to face you know and uh i'd like to share two experiences on that ninth step i'm at a meeting i guess about 10 years ago i have not seen this guy since 1977 he walked through the steps came down the steps i haven't seen him since then it was not through any fear this man was not on my a step list i just plain forgot you know out of sight out of mind but you know what as soon as i saw him i recognized him and i knew that he needed to be on my eighth step what i used to do i used publicly humiliate this guy i remember we were in a bar one day we had you know we there was an exchange of words and he kind of backed down so from that point on whenever i want to impress anybody how tough or nuts i was i would publicly i would pick on this guy as a bully and he was much larger than i am and i'm not a tough guy i never was but i i would verbally abuse him i one day i slapped him i mean one day even spit on him i means what worse like uh utter degradation and spitting on your fellow human being and that's what i did to him but he would never respond he didn't recognize me by the way i'm at this meeting so i get introduced uh to speak and i stand up and i look this guy dead in the eye i said my name is bobby cool i'm an alcoholic now for a moment here i need to tell you why i use my full name i know these traditions are top secret and we're not even going to touch on the concepts that comes later but uh my experience in a lot of these traditions are misunderstood and no more no more so than this 11th tradition all of a sudden we get sober you know and it's like we join the mafia we get a nickname we have frank the fox and mike the monk and you know jimmy jimny the coat and bucktooth mary and red sweater jerry you know nonsense you know all of a sudden i get sober i don't want no one to know i'm sober when i was a drunk everybody in my neighborhood knew it was those little telltale signs they came out of house and caught me i'd be urinating on their car my girlfriend threw the clothes out the window you know everyone knows i'm a drunk all ofa sudden i gets over god forbid my reputation be tarnished you know the 11th tradition is real clear it talks about personal anonymity at the level a press radio and films. That means that you will never see my picture in my full name, which happens to be Robert Ignatius Benedict Coyle III, stating that I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. You won't find that on the television or newspaper, or you won't hear my full name mentioning I'm an alcoholic on the radio. That's the 11th tradition. In fact, Dr. Bob, for those who read Dr. Bobby, the good old timers, that's why I always cite the source because I don't want people to think I'm making this up. Dr. Dr. Bob said when one drunk is anonymous from another drunk, that's a violation for the 11th tradition. He went on to say that anonymity is spiritually inspired and secrecy is spirit-inspired. I mean, what happens at 3 o'clock in the morning? You feel like drinking. You want to call information? Yeah, I'd like to have Frank the Fox's phone number. Or you want to go visit one of these old-timers and you're going to go to the hospital and say, yeah, what room is Jimmy the Code in? I mean... If they've got a psych ward, they're goingto put you in. It's not a secret society. however i have no right whatsoever to break anybody else's anonymity you know and that's where it comes in you know invite and if you choose not to identify yourself by your full name that's cool you know i respect that but i was very involved in service back home and in service we use our full names because what are you gonna say bobby the cop or bobby c it's not going to happen i give my full name because my name is listed in the phone book i dropped the benedict it just says robert ignatius coyle the third but i mean you call information you'll get my phone number you know so off that soapbox so i see this kid in the meeting i said my name is bobby cool and i'm an alcoholic and he looked at me and you know we sober up we clean up and we start nodding you know he nodded his head when i got done i told the group what i used to do to him i figured if i publicly humiliated him i should at least make amends to him publicly and i was also told this nice that these amends are much more than saying i'm sorry because for me i'm sorrier two words it didn't mean squat making the amends is about righting the wrong If I owe you money, I go in your pocket, my pocket, not your pocket. Freudian slip. I go on my pocket and I make amends. I've worked something out here. But what about that emotional damage or that psychological damage? How do I make the amends for that, you know? And I was taught that I have conversations with people and I assume that role I used to have. I become a better son, a better brother, you know, a better partner, a better uncle, whatever the case may be. So I told the group what I used to do. You know, when I got done speaking this kid he came up and he hugged me it was incredible experience so now we start talking now i like i said i hadn't seen this guy this is 10 years ago i haven't seen him since 77 i started talking to him his name was bob also no his name is also bob it wasn't bob a his name was also bob i saw by him and i said bob what's going on he said bobby he said i'm sober three years in alcohol synonymous no all of a sudden the the arrogance creeps back in me because i'm sober a few years i'm very involved in service i figured if you're sober now yeah in philadelphia you should at least know who i am and i and and i started talking to him he said bobby i'm sober three years and i need to tell you um at at this time i'm living in south philadelphia he's living in rocksborough which is like northwest philifornia and this particular meeting we're at this night is in north philadelphia and i start talking to them he said the reason i came here tonight i was flipping through the meeting directory and i just wanted to go to a different meeting and for some reason this meeting jumped out at me now our meeting directory is like 70 pages we have 1600 meetings a week i am a firm believer that god put that guy in my path that night and i had two options i could make amends or i could do what i always did before if you ever confronted me the nice thing about having seven siblings like my mother was pregnant for nine years like one after another the nice things about that is there's always a strong resemblance so when someone would come up and confront me on something i said oh you got me confused you're talking about my brother brian or somebody else not me but what i did i took the opportunity i made amends. He forgave me, and it was a great experience. The flip side of that, I'm at a business meeting. My home group at this time was the Steppenstones Group, and I made a motion. It was definitely for the betterment of AA since I made it. There's discussion goes on, and my boy Freddy's there, and Freddy doesn't agree with me. In fact, he leads the so-called opposition. My motion doesn't even get seconded. It goes down in flames, and I'm embarrassed, humiliated group level, but most of all, Freddy broke the cardinal rule we grew up in a neighborhood right wrong or different you always backed your boy it didn't matter i mean and maybe warped but you know what we got certain rules like one like you can never date your friend's ex i don't care like hey jimmy i know you dated her in the sixth grade but i know i can't talk to her it's just it's a neighborhood thing but you always back your boy and i could not believe that he didn't have my back on this so i i would never talk to him again i would come into meetings every four minutes at the table i say hi to three of them i would completely ignore freddie one day i'm at work and one of my co-workers came up to me said bobby freddy wheels is outside he went to take care of some sort of business i peeked out the window i saw him out there sitting in his car i said you know what tell him to take his fat ass down to city hall he needs to do that there he can't do that here my co-worker also was sober in the program a couple weeks later that same co- worker called me up he said bobby he said and freddie wheels died last night and he said the reason i'm calling you is because he always spoke so highly of you now here he was a very good friend of mine and as god is my judge i can't tell you what that motion was about that's how petty it was this guy was put my path many many times i had the opportunity to make amends to him i chose not to you know and when the moment my co-worker said bobby he always spoke so highly of you i thought about yay big and i've been praying for freddie ever since see the key word in that ninth step is wherever possible not whenever because whenever denotes time wherever's place and for us it's never the right time because we're too busy easy doesn't it or keeping it simple or all this other stuff that i hear you know the 10th step for me nothing but four through nine on a regular basis you know now if i want to stand up here and tell you i do a 10 step every day that not be true i used to also say that if i'm not doing the 10 step no one else knows it but me that's not true either because when i'm out practicing these principles i become a nitwit and should you cross my path when i am in nitwits mode you also are affected yeah either i'm rude to you or something else can happen i also affect you and like i said earlier you know that old saying that peace of mind you can't miss what you never had see the nice thing about going through the steps i now know what i need to do when i'm off the beam i know what I need to get back on the beam and that's what the 10 step is and I'm pretty consistent at it you know but it's funny because every time I stop I try to stay sober on yesterday sobriety right every time i do i always pay for it i even lay for myself listen like when you've ever going to figure this out because i always kick myself in the in the backside because i feel so stupid because i know i know I need To do this you know the 11th step through prayer meditation i improve my conscious contact with my higher power now i may not pray and meditate the way i was in doctor and as a kid. But you know what? I no longer blame the church. The church wasn't the problem. The Air Force wasn't the problem, the police department wasn't the problem my mother wasn't a problem she was just mentally ill. It was none of that stuff it wasn't in the neighborhood I lived in. The problem was Bobby Coyle. The problem with me long before I picked up a drink all during my drinking when I definitely was the problem and you know when I put the drink down I was still the problem because I was running on self-will. You know there's a lot of things about my past that I'm not proud of and if I could change in a heartbeat i would but i can't you know but the deal is you know what the steps it enables me to change my attitude about my past you know it helps me tremendously in a lot of areas you know the 12th step having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps i've had a spirit to awaken now i haven't seen any uh burning bushes or lightning bolts or haven't heard voices from above in fact it's been a number of years since i heard any voices at all and i'm really truly grateful for that but i've heard that spirits awakening you know i've I've had that change of attitude that's required as a result of doing these steps. We try to carry this message. Sometimes my sponsor needs to remind me about that word, try. You know, I mean, you're looking at a guy for two years, I just showed up at meetings, I didn't do nothing else. Then all of a sudden I got involved in a big book and I started doing the steps. Then I had my fireman's hat on. I went to save the world. I went through my evangelical stage of recovery, you know? It's this way. If you're not doing it this way, you'RE wrong. And I want to show you in the book. And when I wanted to get done, I would have backhanged you with the book, you know? i remember i was at a meeting one time and i and i knew i was preaching and the guy came up to me afterwards and i'm really grateful for the way he did this he said you know what kitty said you have a wonderful message he said but you know you come off arrogant he said we share our experience and hope we don't preach and you know and that's something i just evolved over the years i just had to get more comfortable and i am glad he told me in the way that he told because if he told me any other way i would have told him go you know go to hell or something you know but he cared enough about me you know and you know so i put the fireman's hat down but i still carry the message but i don't compromise the message because it says practice these principles in all of our affairs see there's a lot of nonsense i go to meetings i hear things like i look up at the slogans and make sure i'm in an aaa meeting you know uh i want to be liked if i say i don t that that wouldn't be true i want it to be like but you know what not to the point where i'm going to compromise the principles of alcoholics anonymous because i compromised the principles that were instilled to me in every other area of my life and I paid the price. You know what? The 12th step, we have a whole chapter that tells us how to 12-step people. It says don't talk down or preach or do any of that other stuff. It gives us clear-cut directions on how to12-step people, and that's what we're supposed to do because the preamble says our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. If I'm only staying sober and not helping other alcoholics, that's half measures, and half measures is nothing. The 12-Step, practicing these principles in all my affairs. I'm only in an AA meeting an hour, hour and a half a day. what about the other 22 and a half hours you know i don't need to run around tell people i'm an alcohol synonymous but you know what i can't be doing all that other street behavior and claim to be a sober member of alcohol synonyms because people watch i remember 10 years ago my neighbor called me up uh he lived right across the street from my dad his name was joe joe owned the corner bar and in my neighborhood there was a bar on every corner they're tap rooms they used to have like ladies entrance in the back but you knows a tap room on every quarter and joe's bar was the toilet of a bar in fact if you said where's the toilet i said you're standing and it's right here towards the end of my drink and Joe wouldn't let me in the bar anymore and he saw me grow up he knew what I did for a living none of that mattered he told me it's about me I don't care so you just can't come in his bar and he used some colorful language to describe what he would do to me if I should go in his bar so I said all right I just went to another bar about ten years ago Joe called my dad up and then my dad called me I said please give my number to anyone anyone calls you know so Joe called me up he said Bobby you still got an MA meetings I said yeah Joe I do see he knew because of my neighborhood like Bad news travels quickly. So-and-so violated their parole, or so-and‑so got divorced. I don't know why they were on the grapevine. No one wants to talk about the good stuff, but we always took pleasure in people not doing so well. But he knew I was still going to AA because he saw the way I was carrying myself. Because if I wasn't practicing his principles, the worry would have been out there. He busted out. Look out. So he called me up and he said, listen, my nephew Jimmy, see Joe's brother and his wife were killed in an automobile accident a few years before that. His brother had three kids. Joe had to leave his own and he took his nephews and nieces in and raised his kids as his own I mean I think that's a real man that Joe's a saint and he called me up he said Bobby and his nephew was 17 years old he said Jimmy just got a treatment can you take him to an AA meeting I mean this is the same guy that 10 years before he was threatening me with bodily harm if I went near the toilet of his bar he had now he's allowing me to he wants me to take his 17 year old not nephew uh almost a son to an AAA meeting you know that's rewarded a program you know and And I need to tell you, Jimmy is a fine member of Alcoholics Anonymous today. Just celebrated 10 years of sobriety. He's in school. He's married. He has a kid. He's incredible. But you know what? I carried the same message to him that I carried to countless other guys. And I can't claim success for that because it's not my success. It's God's success. Because if I want to claim responsibility for Jimmy getting sober, then I need to accept the responsibility for the countless men who didn't get sober. And I carry the same messages. I don't dress it up because my sponsor told me, he said, Bobby, we can't compromise the message. The book says speak freely about the higher power, the spiritual aspect of this program. If I go to 12 Steps with somebody and I don�t mention God, then I'm lying to you, you know, because it's I, I,I. Left to my own devices, I'm a liar, thief, and a cheat, you now? So I then got involved in service, and I learned about the 12 traditions, and I love the traditions, you kno? The traditions are to the groups what the steps are to individuals, you kow? You hear the steps are how it works and the traditions are why it works. And I got involved in service, and then I wound up getting another sponsor. Back in Philly we have a big thing, service sponsors. Now my sponsor Bobby helped me tremendously through the 12th. I had a sponsor who was involved in the traditions, and we learned about the concepts and some great stuff. And the 12-step takes many different forms or fashions. I am a firm believer that every person in this room has a gift. It may be a different gift than the person sitting next to you, but it's your gift. You just need to find out what it is. I mean, there's some of us who have time on our hands and we can get involved in the area or the central office. And within the area and the central offices, there are various 12-step committees. You know, there is PI, public information. There are treatment facilities. There is CPC. That's CPC, not PCP. CPC – the cooperation with professional community, taking professionals as students. There are correction facilities. I know prisons aren't for everyone, you know, but I remember one day my sponsor called me up a few weeks in advance. He said, Bobby, we're going up to Holmesburg, which was the prison in Philadelphia at the time. In two weeks I said, I'm not going up. He said you are. I said I'm nut. He said You are. So I went. But I didn't want to go because I thought what I did for a living, I couldn't go up there. I thought I would need to use colorful language or all that other stuff. And he saw right through that. He said Bobby, they just want a message of hope. It doesn't matter what you do for a loving. So we went up there, but the day before we went, I realized it was Monday night. So it was Sunday the day beforehand. the eagles were playing the cowboys on monday night football now i really don't want to go so i called my sponsor up i got a live prepared he sees right through it he said bobby you gave me your word that's a commitment he said besides if you pick up a drink he says i don't think randall cunningham's going to come over and 12 step your ass i'll be there at seven o'clock to pick him up so he picks me up we have dinner we go up to holmesburg we get buzzed through the whole process and we go to the meeting no one shows up they're all on the block watching the game so we leave the prison i'm driving down 95 with my car now i really got an attitude you know and my sponsor says bobby you don't get it yet selfish sob he said we are we're here just in case we are responsible for the effort and not the outcome don't forget the few hours we had we had dinner tonight we came up this is a few hours that we didn't drink we're there we're messengers just in case that's why he keeps on reminding me of that word try we tried to carry a message as long as i give it my honest effort that's okay you know so i learned about the traditions you know and i start going to places where i normally wouldn't go you know i remember the first time i went to a meeting outside my neighborhood the very first thought was they're doing it wrong and i now know they're not doing it right they're doing it the message is the same the delivery may be different 12 years ago i was in mexico i thought i could speak spanish i was here i was the only english-speaking person in the room those poor people probably still figuring out what the hell i said like my spanish like consisted of like dame pistola give me your gun things like that as myself crash course so uh so i'm at this meeting i'm speaking spanish and i could see the bewildered look at their face so i'd switch over to english and they still don't know what the heck i was saying but you know what after the meeting they come up and they hugged me and i could tell who the newcomer was by their pain in their face and i can tell who the old timer was by the surrender their face you know What they didn't understand the words But you know what? Language of the heart. They understood. Incredible experience, you know. 1993, I got diagnosed with lung cancer. It was a real fluke way that I found out. I never smoked in my life. A little pot for a short period of time, but that don't count. But I never smoke. So I went to go get a second opinion and it got confirmed. And I remember like I didn't handle this so well because I'm sober for a few years. You know, I've got things going on here. And my sponsor saw right through it and said, Bobby, what are you going to do? so i wound up going through treatment lung cancer and i uh i got sick and i went in remission and i got thick again very sick where they wound up removing the lower left lobe of my lung now the the good thing about this there is a good thing it certainly i guess the irish catholic guilt that i had growing up it certainly helps get that nice step done that's one thing it did you know but uh i uh after i get out of hospital i was laying on my house and i couldn't make meetings and i always made meetings always you know and when you have 1600 meetings a week as you can't get an excuse not to make a meeting i mean i love midnight meetings midnight meetings are either the most spiritual meetings or the most bizarre meetings there's there's no middle ground it's like the witching hour or serenity no no middle ground at all but i i made a lot of meetings and couldn't make meetings anymore you know i was laid up in the house and people start coming to my house and carrying the message of alcoholics anonymous and i'm talking about people I really didn't even know that well. A lot of my friends came, but people that I met at the assembly, they would come to my house, you know, carrying a message. I mean, you're looking at a liar, thief and a cheat. I took from everyone. The only thing I gave was heartache and misery. And people came to my home to carry the message. Now I'm a firm believer that the doctors did a pretty good job, but I'm definitely a believer that it was the prayers in AA that helped me tremendously. You know? And I keep on plugging. You know, I may have had an excuse to go out and get loaded once I found out I got sick. But you know what? I didn't have a reason to go outside and get loading. I got a pretty good life today you know i talked about earlier i finished this up i um i mentioned being a mummer uh some of you who came up to me you're from the philadelphia area understood um describe this uh in philadelphia on new year's day we do the mummers parade now this has been going on for hundreds of years but in 1901 the city had organized the mayhem because it was getting two nuts so it's organized mayhem it's what it is it's uh it's men in sequins feathers and makeup and we dance in the middle of street you know i've done a fist step i'm free you know no big deal but uh we spoof everyone like you know we're not politically correct please don't be upset but everyone's fair game as they should be you know and it's just a great time but what it is it's a big drunk fest what it's like a joint venture between um the mardi gras and the full monty it's uh and i personally think we make the mardigra look like a bunch of mormons it's just nuts but it's the longest continuous parade in the country goes about 12 hours there's 30 000 of us this is incredible the mardi gras they break it up you know five six hours over a three-day period but it'S JUST NUTS so i'm a lifelong mummer right i'm in a midnight meeting 13 years ago and the midnight meeting i'm telling my story and he came up to me afterwards he said listen would you be interested in watching the parade this year i said you're out of your mind i said people placing things i got no business at all to be on broad street on new year's day He said, no, you don't understand. He said we're starting a brand-new brigade this year, the 12 Steppers, Sober Mummers. Now that's an oxymoron, Sover Mummer. So what I did, I got involved back in the Mummers Parade. And, in fact, this past year was my 12th year up the street with the 12 Steppers. There's only me and two other guys, the original guys left. This year will be our 13th parade. This year also will be my 35th parade, you know. I'm able to do something that was a big part of my family, a big point of my life. i had to give it up when i first got sober but here i am sober enjoying life and the reason i put that out because one of my favorite sayings in the big book says we absolutely insist on enjoying life you know uh if the newcomers you know if they couldn't see this they wouldn't want nothing to do with us now obviously i just paraphrase that bill is much more eloquent than i am but the deal is if you're new and you think you got to wear the hair shirt and beat yourself man you're greatly mistaken whatever you did drunk you could do stone cold sober you know You could be better at it, you have more fun And most of all, you can remember it It's a blast And I figured if I can do Broad Street on New Year's Day In Philadelphia, anything is possible So, it's a wonderful way of life I'll close with this I'm not the postal boy of Alcoholics Anonymous You know, I invite you, come live with me for a week See what type of guy that I am But you know, I know I'm Not Intentionally Harming People I make mistakes, but making mistakes Is not going to get me drunk It's justifying those mistakes, not learning from those mistakes that's the arrogance that gets me drunk you know i'm just a regular guy trying to do the right thing and i really believe today that i'm a man of dignity and honor and i got that because of the old-timers they tolerate my nonsense my bs they called me on it they helped me grow up i mean i got sober i was 27 but i was just a kid emotionally i was immature you know so i'm glad i'm sober i'm truly grateful i'm silver and i'd like to thank the committee and the rest of you for the privilege of participating in aaa meeting that's what i got thanks